In this episode, I share a personal situation between myself and my birth mother. I don't have all the answers, and I ask you, my listeners, what do you think? Have you ever experienced this, or have you noticed your trauma has caused you to misunderstand others' intentions? Let me know!
If you are interested in finding out more about a light hypnotic therapy that can allow release of buried traumas, I want you to know about something called Somatic Mindful Guided Imagery," or SMGI. It's helped me release some key chunks of my adoption trauma, and so much so that I was inspired to become a practitioner. This is my life's work and my purpose.
I am now helping clients in my local city in a dedicated healing space, but I also am very excited to offer sessions via video, online. Check out my website if this interests you, because everyone should have hope that their pain can be processed, and I'm telling you, and my clients can tell you, it truly can. To learn more, please visit Somatic Healing Journeys at somatichealingjourneys.com.
Connect With Melissa:
-Email Melissa here: mindyourownkarma@gmail.com
-Click here for the Mind Your Own Karma Website
-Click here for Somatic Mindful Guided Imagery
-Find Mind Your Own Karma on Facebook
-Find Mind Your Own Karma on Instagram
-Find Mind Your Own Karma on YouTube
-Click here for a comprehensive list of adoptee/adoptee trauma-informed practitioners.
Dial 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
________
WANT TO BE A GUEST?
(click to email mindyourownkarma@gmail.com)
Mind Your Own Karma – The Adoption Chronicles Podcast educates listeners on the realities of adoption through the stories of adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents. We delve into their journeys, exploring identity, the emotional impacts of adoption, and the complexities that are involved when a child is removed from their biology.
We also tackle tough topics like transracial adoption and adoption ethics, featuring experts and advocates. By sharing these diverse perspectives we hope to not only educate the world, but also give hope and healing to those deeply affected by adoption trauma.
*** This podcast's mission is on adoption education. If you have an expertise that you think would be beneficial to anyone touched by adoption and would like to be on the podcast, get in touch with me.
#adopt #adoption #adoptee #adopteevoices #adopteesspeak #adoptionpodcast #adopteepodcast #m
Episode Transcript
Hey there, it's Melissa Brunetti, and welcome to the
Mind Your Own Karma podcast. Hey there Karma crew, thanks for
joining me for this very personal episode of mind your
(00:20):
own karma, the adoption chronicles.
Have you ever been so numb to news that you wondered if
something was wrong with you if you were broken?
I recently found out some news that really threw me and to be
honest, I still don't know what to do or how to feel about it to
(00:43):
be honest. OK, reunions and 2nd rejections
are so fun aren't they? I recently found out that my
birth mother has cancer, which Iwouldn't have even known about
if it weren't for my biological brother contacting me.
(01:04):
You know good old family historybeing hidden, but you know, it
is what it is. I found out and that's what
matters. So since I've heard this news
I've had a lot of complicated feelings surrounding this.
(01:24):
First to say I don't have all the answers and I don't even
think I have any answers on how to navigate this.
But I wanted to share with you all that's happening because I
know this is a safe space to do so with people that totally
(01:44):
understand where I'm coming from.
So I just want to thank you all for listening and holding space
for me today while I try and sort all of this out.
So it's been about a month ago, my biological brother told me,
(02:05):
and he only found out because a neighbor reached out to say,
hey, you might wanna check in and contact your mom.
Something's going on. This is what's going on.
So he let me know. And my first reaction was
nothing. Like I felt nothing.
(02:28):
It's been a month and honestly Istill feel so numb.
I don't know, maybe I'm protecting myself.
Maybe it's a trauma response. I've learned that, you know,
trauma can sometimes numb you toprotect you from emotions that
feel too overwhelming to handle in the moment.
(02:55):
I kind of see this whole scenario as another layer of fog
for me that I have to go through.
But while I'm trying to find my way through this layer of fog,
what if I come out on the other side and it's too late?
What if I finally gain clarity and she's gone or too sick to
(03:20):
have a conversation with me? I already kind of feel bad for
possibly coming back into her life now at this point I don't
want to make her feel worse, butdo my needs in all of this come
first? I don't know.
I don't have the answer to that.Our relationship hasn't always
(03:44):
been rocky. After we reunited, things were
good, or so I thought. But in the end, after, you know,
many years of us connecting, sherejected me again.
And I still really don't know why.
She just didn't want a relationship.
But she said she was willing to share medical information.
(04:06):
But we did reconnect a few yearsago in 2018, where I sent her an
e-mail and we exchanged these long emails where I was trying
to get some medical advice, but I also was trying to feel out
where she was with me and the tone in the emails, everything
seems pretty good. And then she wanted to talk on
(04:28):
the phone and I just froze. I just didn't feel safe.
And I stopped contacting her because I didn't know what to
do. And so I did nothing.
And I waited about a month and amonth later it was a
Thanksgiving time, and I sent her another short e-mail and I
heard nothing back. And then there were happy
(04:52):
birthday emails and I sent her those the last few years, at
least the last three years, and still nothing.
She probably hasn't wished me a happy birthday that I remember
in over 20 years. And I'm not going to lie that
(05:12):
that really stings. And I know she hasn't forgotten,
I just know that my birthday isn't a day she feels like
celebrating. And to me to be honest,
sometimes I don't want to celebrate it either.
It wasn't a happy day for us like most births.
It was a day of goodbyes and separation trauma.
(05:37):
The rejection really feels like it started the day I was born
and I have no idea where to go from here.
None. I have not heard from her since
2018 and looking back at that time when we were emailing each
(05:59):
other IN2018I realized I probably overreacted about her
wanting to talk on the phone with me.
At the time I felt like she was trying to control me in a way
and I just I didn't feel safe hearing her voice to be honest.
I felt too vulnerable. But now I think it was more
(06:22):
about her maybe trying to connect but my trauma wouldn't
let me see it that way. It's funny how trauma can
distort things and the way we perceive our truth, but are we
wrong to react certain ways because of our lived
(06:44):
experiences? I don't know, I don't think so.
As adoptees, we didn't get any choices in our trauma, so how
much responsibility should we take in these type of
situations? Personally, I give myself a ton
of grace because I'm really doing the best I can with what I
(07:09):
have to work with here. I'm not doing anything out of
malice or hatred or revenge. I'm just operating from my level
of trauma that still lives inside of me that I'm working on
everyday continuously. So right or wrong, I learned
(07:30):
from my experiences and I try todo better and learn from them,
but I don't beat myself up over it.
I don't. I have a right to how I feel and
there are valid reasons for those feelings.
I have to honor those feelings before I can move forward in any
(07:51):
positive way. And that is almost always an
inside job for adoptees. Unfortunately, we don't get our
validation out in the world. We have to give it to ourselves
or reach out. We can reach out to our
communities where there's so many others that understand on a
(08:12):
deeper level, and that's where we can start to heal either from
within or in the community. Trauma has a way of really
twisting reality, of rewriting your experiences in ways that we
don't even realize a lot of times, and it's happened to me
(08:35):
plenty of times, it can make yousee control where someone's
trying to care for you, rejection where there's fear and
manipulation where there's vulnerability.
It's like looking at life through a cracked lens or a
(08:56):
kaleidoscope, where the landscape keeps changing.
Just when you think you have allthe answers, you see the world.
But the image can get distorted.And the thing about adoption is
that this lens gets shaped so early, often before we're even
(09:18):
old enough to understand it. And when I think about my birth
mother, I know her life hasn't been easy.
She lost her mother when she wassix months old with pregnant
with me, and my birth father left her just before he left to
Vietnam. Can you imagine the pain of
(09:43):
carrying a baby while grieving the loss of your own mother and
feeling utterly abandoned? It's really heartbreaking and
that scenario has really helped me give my birth mother some
compassion. And Can you imagine what all
that stress did to me while I was growing and forming in her
(10:07):
belly? Why the general population
doesn't acknowledge any of this is beyond me.
It really is mind blowing. So here I am being vulnerable
and telling you and the world mystory.
I just hope the world listens. But I can understand that trauma
(10:32):
played a huge role in shaping her decisions.
I get that she, you know, probably made the best choices
she could with the resources shehad.
But here's the huge hard part here.
Understanding why someone hurt you doesn't erase the pain of
(10:53):
being hurt. It doesn't make the rejection
any less real or the scars any less permanent, does it?
And then there's my own trauma. When we reconnected and she
wanted to move from e-mail to phone conversations, I just
(11:17):
froze. It felt like she was trying to
control me. In hindsight, I can see that
maybe that wasn't necessarily true.
Maybe she was just struggling tokeep up with the long emails.
Maybe she genuinely wanted to connect in a more personal way.
(11:44):
But at the time, my trauma made me see something totally
different, something frightening.
I reacted to that perception, which may not have been the
reality. I'm willing to admit that.
That's the thing about trauma. It distorts your view.
(12:07):
And it's not just about how you see other people, it's also
about how you see yourself. For a long time, I have carried
this underlying question that many of you do as well.
Am I unworthy of love? Because if the woman who gave me
(12:32):
life couldn't love me, who can? We hear this all the time and
adopt these circles. And it is so true.
Your mother is supposed to protect you no matter what.
You could have every excuse in the book.
And to a child, all they see is you gave me away.
(12:59):
You were my mother and you gave me away.
Period. They don't care about the
struggles. It just doesn't compute in their
little minds how a mother could do that to us, and if they
could, how can the world feel like a safe place to us?
(13:24):
And who can we trust? The feeling of abandonment runs
deep, doesn't it? Right now I am standing at a
crossroads trying to figure out what to do and it's been about a
month since I found out about her diagnosis and I still don't
(13:44):
know how I feel. I don't know.
I'm numb, I'm still numb. My immediate reaction when I
heard was nothing, just numbness.
It felt like I should have some big emotional response, sadness,
anger, fear, something, but there was nothing.
(14:09):
I wonder, am I shut down in somesort of survival mode scenario?
Maybe, maybe. And I've been sitting with that
ever since. Just wondering, is something
wrong with me? What's going on here?
It's been very surreal to be honest.
(14:30):
Part of me feels like I should reach out to her.
I don't know the details of her prognosis, but what if she
doesn't have much time? What if I do nothing and she
passes away, leaving this gapinghole in our story?
(14:51):
But another part of me resents that whole idea.
Why is it always on me to extendthe olive branch?
Why does it feel like I'm the one responsible for fixing this
broken relationship every time it breaks?
And then there's the fear. What if I do reach out and she
(15:16):
rejects me once again? Or what if we reconnect and it
opens up a whole new wave of pain somehow?
I have so many questions for her, Questions that I don't know
if I'll ever get the answers to.Like why did you reject me again
(15:41):
after our reunion? Why didn't you respond to my
emails? Are you OK with possibly dying
and leaving our relationship like this?
Do you hate me? Are you angry at me, at
(16:03):
yourself? At the World, I think about
these questions quite a bit, especially now, but I don't know
if I'll ever have the courage toask them.
And if I did, would she be willing or able to answer them?
(16:26):
If you've been through somethinglike this, I'd love to hear from
you. How did you navigate a
complicated biological relationship like this?
Did you find peace or closure? Because right now I feel stuck.
I don't know what the right thing to do is.
(16:48):
And even if I know what that is,am I willing and able to do it?
Right now I feel like I'm waiting in a huge pause and I'm
afraid that when I come out of it, it might be too late.
And that's just another adoptionfog layer of this whole
scenario. Feeling like there's a right way
(17:11):
to handle it, Like I'm supposed to have all the answers,
especially since I share my experiences to help others.
But this time I don't have the answers.
I'm just as lost and confused asanyone else.
(17:32):
I guess that would be in this situation.
Trauma and adoption are so isolating, and unless you've
lived it, you can't truly understand how deeply it shapes
every part of your life. But if you're listening, and you
do understand, if you have felt these same feelings, I want you
(17:56):
to know that I see you, I feel you, and I hope that by sharing
my story, you feel a little lessalone.
And I want to leave you with onefinal thought.
Someone recently told me that I should be grateful that my birth
(18:19):
mother didn't abort me. And honestly, I can't think of a
more invalidating thing to say to an adoptee.
It's like telling a drowning person to be thankful for the
water. It doesn't erase the trauma.
It doesn't make it OK. So if you're ever in a position
(18:43):
where anyone is sharing their pain with you, please don't
invalidate their story. Don't try to reframe their
trauma as a blessing. It's annoying and irritating and
not helpful at all. Just listen, hold space, honor
(19:08):
their feelings because we all deserve to have our stories
heard. And that is what I'm trying to
do on this podcast. If anything I've shared today
resonates with you and you're ready to begin your healing
journey, I would love to help. I'm a Somatic Mindful Guided
Imagery Practitioner and smgi isa gentle and transformative
(19:32):
practice that helps you uncover the root of your struggles and
creates real, lasting change. Whether you're dealing with
trauma, adoption related challenges, or just feeling
stuck, this approach could be the key to finding peace and
(19:52):
clarity. Visit
my.website@somatichealingjourneys.comto learn more or to schedule a
free consultation. It's a no pressure opportunity
to explore how somatic work can help you reconnect with
yourself, heal your wounds, and move you forward with purpose.
(20:13):
Remember, you don't have to navigate this alone.
Healing is possible and it starts.
With taking the first step, thank you Karma Crew for being
my sounding board today. Truly thank you.
(20:34):
Lastly, I am coming up on Season4 of Mind Your Own Karma and I
would love to know what you would like to see more of from
this podcast. You can DM me on socials or
e-mail me your ideas to Mind Your Own karma@gmail.com.
(20:56):
I would love to hear your thoughts.
As always, take what you need and leave what you don't.
And always remember to mind YourOwn karma.
I'll see you next time. This podcast is created for
educational purposes by the telling of adoption experiences.
The views expressed in this podcast may not be those of the
(21:19):
host or Mind Your Own Karma.
Popular Podcasts
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.