Episode 14: Nice Guy Syndrome

In this episode, we delved into the phenomenon of people adopting a persona of being overly nice. Drawing inspiration from the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover, we explored the impact of societal changes, particularly after the feminist movement, on men adopting a nice persona. We discussed how this behavior can be a survival mechanism, hindering authentic self-expression and creating disingenuous connections.

Key Points:

1. No More Mr. Nice Guy

   • Marty and Bill discuss the common phenomenon of people adopting a persona of being nice.

   • Reference to the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover, which addresses the challenges of this persona.

   • Acknowledgment that this phenomenon is prevalent and often driven by societal changes and generational factors.

2. Roots in Generational Shifts:

   • Discussion on how the feminist movement influenced a shift in expectations of masculinity, leading to some men adopting a 'nice guy' persona.

   • Marty highlights that being raised by women during that period influenced certain behaviors in men.

3. Authenticity vs. Survival Mechanism:

   • Emphasis on the disingenuous nature of adopting a 'nice guy' persona as a survival mechanism.

   • Recognition that some individuals may not even be aware they are presenting a contrived version of niceness.

4. Client Examples:

   • Bill shares a client's journey of recognizing and addressing his 'nice guy' tendencies, leading to positive changes in his marriage.

   • Marty shares a story of a female client breaking free from excessive niceness, resulting in a liberating experience.

5. Communication Challenges in Leadership:

   • Exploration of how 'nice guy' tendencies can affect leadership effectiveness, particularly in dealing with teams and achieving results.

   • Marty discusses a client struggling to balance being 'nice' with achieving the desired outcomes from his team.

6. Three Personas Model:

   • Bill introduces the concept of having public, private, and secret personas.

   • Mention of Meredith Banka's idea that connection happens when individuals reveal their private and secret personas.

7. Bucket Metaphor:

   • Bill introduces the metaphor of a bucket that needs to be emptied to maintain emotional capacity.

   • Discussion on the consequences of putting unresolved issues in the 'backseat,' leading to overflow and emotional mess.

8. Traits of Nice Guys:

   • Bill reads excerpts from "No More Mr. Nice Guy," highlighting that nice guys often believe being good will lead to love, needs met, and a problem-free life.

   • Emphasis on the tendency of nice guys to be dishonest, mainly in presenting a persona that is not completely authentic.

9. Moving Beyond Extreme Behaviors:

   • Discussion on the tendency to view communication as either extreme niceness or aggressiveness.

   • Encouragement to find a middle ground and recognize that being authentic doesn't mean becoming mean or confrontational.

10. Invoking Shared Values in Communication:

    • Marty suggests invoking shared values when delivering challenging messages.

    • Example given of addressing an arrogant colleague by expressing a shared value of work-life balance.

11. Looking Ahead:

    • The hosts express interest in exploring the concept of secret identities and other aspects in future discussions.

    • Bill suggests further exploration of the traits common to 'nice guys' outlined by Dr. Robert Glover.

Resources:

• Learn more about IFS Coaching with Bill Tierney at www.billtierneycoaching.com.

• Learn more about coaching with Martin Kettelhut at www.listeningisthekey.com.

• "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover: www.drglover.com/no-more-mr-nice-guy/the-book.html

• "Getting Real" by Susan