March 16, 2025 • 27 mins
In this episode of Peaceful Life Radio, hosts David Lowry and Don engage in a profound discussion with Dr. Christy Vincent, Professor Emeritus of Communications and Executive Coach about the transformative power of asking more and better questions to foster deeper, more meaningful relationships. Dr. Vincent emphasizes the importance of approaching relationships with curiosity, openness, and a willingness to listen. By asking open and honest questions, individuals can draw out the inner wisdom and perspectives of others, enriching interactions and avoiding the pitfalls of surface-level conversations and unsolicited advice. Don and David also share personal anecdotes and strategies for incorporating these techniques into daily life, aiming to guide listeners toward more intentional and fulfilling connections.
00:00 Introduction and Opening Remarks
00:28 Meet Dr. Christy Vincent
01:34 The Importance of Asking Questions
02:22 Building Deeper Relationships
04:09 Perspective Seeking Questions
07:46 The Role of Open and Honest Questions
19:08 Navigating Difficult Conversations
22:11 Practical Tips for Asking Better Questions
24:27 Mindfulness and Self-Awareness
26:26 Conclusion and Farewell
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Dr. Christy Vincent (00:00):
As we go through our lives, relationships
(00:02):
change.
And it's really a good idea toapproach our relationships with
a continued openness andinterest and curiosity so that
we can draw the other personout, get to know them for who
they are right now, not somepreconceived notion that we have
of them or what we think orpresume we know about them.
David Lowry (00:25):
This is David Lowry.
Welcome to Peaceful Life Radio.
That was Dr.
Christy Vincent, who's going tobe our guest on our show today.
And you can tell from that clip,it's really good.
And Don, it's good to see youtoday.
Don Drew (00:36):
It's good to see you, David.
We want to remind all ourlisteners to like, download, and
share our program.
Tell all your friends about it.
Get the word out.
David Lowry (00:44):
We've got some great guests coming.
Don Drew (00:46):
Yes we do.
David Lowry (00:47):
Don, why don't you tell us about our guest today?
Don Drew (00:50):
I will.
This is Dr.
Christy Vincent.
She's Professor Emeritus ofCommunications and an Executive
Coach and the President ofRemind LLC.
Anybody wanting to get hold ofher, you're going to find her at
christyvincent.
com.
Today she's going to be talkingabout Asking More and Better
Questions, but in truth, I needto let everybody know, this is
(01:13):
actually my wife and I'm veryproud of her.
She's does a great work ineverything she does.
And I'm really excited aboutthis.
I actually learned a lot abouthow to ask more and better
questions from her.
And I think she's got somereally valuable things to share
with us today.
David Lowry (01:28):
Christy, we're so glad you're on our program.
Thank you for coming back again.
And Don, let's begin ourquestions for Christy.
Don Drew (01:34):
Let's keep it really simple and straightforward Dr.
Vincent why is it important toask more and better questions?
Dr. Christy Vincent (01:41):
Thanks so much, and it's great to be with
you all today.
So I make a living by askingquestions.
So, maybe I have a little biastoward that.
But one of the primary reasonsis that one of the ways you can
developyour relationships withpeople to become deeper and
closer is if you are willing toapproach those relationships
(02:03):
with curiosity and ask questionsas opposed to what we tend to do
instead.
And that is be in a tellingmode, rather than a questioning
mode.
And there's lots of reasons whythat is important.
But that's the first place Iwant to start with your
listeners.
When you are in the second partof your life, then you often
(02:27):
have been in relationships withpeople for a long period of
time.
Say your children, you weretheir parents when they were
young, maybe then teenagers,young adults.
I have a son who's 42 this year.
And as my relationship with himhas changed over time, I have
had to adjust my role as hisparent and how I talk with him.
David Lowry (02:51):
Christy, I have a son about the same age.
Sometimes I have to, suck mybreath in and say, remember, he
is a CFO of a real estatecompany in Los Angeles.
He doesn't need you to give himadvice on much of anything these
days.
We still have this greatrelationship, but it's different
than it was, right?
We have to remind ourselvesthat's not a kid like you
(03:12):
remember.
Dr. Christy Vincent (03:13):
Absolutely.
And the other types ofrelationships is your
relationships with your ownparents as you age,
relationships with yoursiblings.
Perhaps even former co workersor current co workers.
As we go through our lives,relationships change.
And it's really a good idea toapproach our relationships with
(03:35):
a continued openness andinterest and curiosity so that
we can draw the other personout, get to know them for who
they are right now, not somepreconceived notion that we have
of them or what we think orpresume we know about them.
Don Drew (03:52):
And so where I think we're going is the way to do
that, or one way to do that isto ask more questions.
Dr. Christy Vincent (03:58):
Yes, absolutely.
But you don't want the person tofeel like they're being deposed.
So, it's a posture of opennessand curiosity that you have
toward the people in your life.
And you ask what I callperspective seeking questions,
where you try to understand howthe person is making sense of
the world and how they arefeeling about their world, what
(04:22):
they're thinking aboutsituations.
And by asking them questions,you are showing a level of
humility toward them.
You're making yourselfvulnerable because you're
engaging in a true dialogue.
It's not a true dialogue when wecome in here, what someone has
to say for a couple of seconds,and then we start advising.
(04:45):
It's coming from a good place.
I know it is because we careabout people.
We love them.
But when we come in and beginour telling, then we often will
close down conversations andclose down relationships because
the other person doesn't feelheard, seen, understood.
David Lowry (05:03):
This is an exciting thing to hear from my viewpoint
because we've known people for along time, but sometimes we may
have never really gone beneaththe surface to ask those
questions like you're talkingabout.
So many of our friendships havebeen so surface levels.
But think about the richness asenior has in their life all of
(05:25):
us have this treasure trove ofinformation within us, but
sometimes we've not really beenallowed to share some of that.
Don Drew (05:32):
But also, David, I think sometimes we feel like we
are in a position where we areexpected to tell, advise,
mentor, direct, and I think whatwe're hearing here is that may
be the message we've gottenthroughout a big part of our
lives, but it's not really wherewe might find ourselves now.
David Lowry (05:51):
It's not.
I like this.
Let's keep on with this idea ofthese perspective questions.
Dr. Christy Vincent (05:57):
Absolutely.
I want to ask a question.
Have you been in a situationwhere you've been concerned
about something happening inyour life and you've told
someone else about it.
And they responded, probablyfrom a good place, but you kind
of think okay, but I can thinkof a lot of reasons why that
(06:19):
advice isn't very good for myparticular situation.
And one of the favorite quotes Ihave in my head is we give
advice by the bucket, but wetake it by the grain.
David Lowry (06:34):
Yes, I have been in that situation, and there's
something resistant in me whenthat happens.
Almost a bit off putting, it'slike, you're not really getting
this level of interaction withone another that you could be
having.
And instead you're wasting yourtime listening to I'll tell you
(06:56):
what I used to do back in theday, or something like that, as
opposed to hearing things thatcause you to reevaluate your way
of looking at the world to finda new fresh way of looking at
it.
Dr. Christy Vincent (07:07):
Oh, that's absolutely right.
And because we're not going inwith some presumption that we
know what is best for the otherperson, or even how the person
is thinking or feeling about it,then we're able to help them
think for themselves.
They have an inner teacherthemselves, they have inner
wisdom, and many times if we canbe the person who asks questions
(07:28):
of them, we can actually helpthem unlock some of those
answers for themselves.
We cannot do that if we aretelling.
David Lowry (07:36):
Let's talk about that, Don.
This inner wisdom that we havewithin us.
How do we help people tap intothat?
Dr. Christy Vincent (07:46):
I think it's how we ask the questions
and that we are trying to askwhat I refer to, what Parker
Palmer, a famous writer, refersto as open and honest questions.
Let's take the second part ofthat first.
It's an honest question in thatyou really don't know the answer
(08:06):
to it.
It's not a leading question.
It's where you say to the otherperson what are all the things
that you have thought about howyou could handle this?
What is your biggest concern asyou move forward?
As you think about your familyrelationships, how have they
(08:28):
possibly affected how you'rethinking about this?
Those are all open.
You're not suggesting there's ananswer, that you're trying to
get them to the answer.
You're really getting them toreflect and tune in to that
inner teacher they have, thatinner wisdom.
What would not be a goodquestion is, Don't you think the
way your mother treated youprobably has something to do
(08:50):
with how you're feeling aboutthat?
That looks like a question.
It's masquerading
David Lowry (08:55):
Yes, but your advice giving all of that.
Don Drew (08:58):
That's also referred to as a closed ended question,
really.
It's assuming certain things andso on, it's not very useful.
An open question, an honestquestion, has many elements to
it.
It demonstrates curiosity, itinvites a response that isn't
assumed, maybe not evenexpected.
David Lowry (09:16):
What's so exciting about this to me is that it
opens up new ways ofcommunicating with other people
you've known all of your life,maybe or people that you've
known 30, 40 years.
You sit and have a conversationwhere you're not trying to push
a darn thing on them.
You know that these are goodpeople, but you ask questions
(09:38):
reflectively and let themprocess it.
And it's magic.
Dr. Christy Vincent (09:43):
It really is.
And I'll use myself for anexample.
David Lowry (09:46):
Okay.
Dr. Christy Vincent (09:46):
I have identical twin boys who are 24
and they are in law school rightnow, their first year of law
school, first semester.
And as a mom watching them gothrough that process and seeing
that they're together, in thoseclasses and they are competing
with each other and with theother students and they're
(10:08):
learning how to adjust todifferent professors, they're
thinking about their future,they're wondering what type of
lawyers they're going to be, allthe things.
As a mom.
I have so much concern for themand so much care for them and I
want very much for them tosucceed.
And so if I mentioned myconcern, let's say to a friend,
(10:30):
and I'm talking about it, andthe friend says, Oh, don't
worry, they're going to be fine.
They're great.
Don't worry.
They're going to be fine.
Okay.
I don't really have anythingelse to say.
That doesn't really address whatis going on inside of me.
Where if someone said, if youthink about it, and you think
about your boys and yourrelationship with them, what's
(10:53):
the, what's your fear that'scoming forth as you are
concerned about this?
Or what's the hardest thingabout being a mom of a young
adult that's, going on their ownway in the world?
Or, what inside of you\ isfeeling an emotion?
(11:14):
What part of you is feeling thatemotion?
What insights are you havingabout yourself as a mom, as you
think about your boys?
Those last questions, those aregoing to get to my inner
teacher.
Don Drew (11:27):
it really speaks to the honest part of open and
honest question because thequestioner, the person asking
the question, really couldn'tknow the answer, could they?
They're not leading yousomewhere.
They're not hiding their opinionin the question somewhere.
Instead, it's an open questionand it's an honest question in
that it invites you to speakinto that space and the one
(11:49):
that's asking the question can'tpossibly know really where
you're going.
David Lowry (11:53):
I think one of the things we need to remember as
people going through the secondhalf of life is that we honor
our friends when we invite themto share their concerns with us
and to explore that with uswithout any expectation that
we're going to fix them.
If we can honor the fact that,hey, I could be useful as a
(12:15):
sounding board or ask somereflective questions, but both
of us together will learn moreabout each other.
Don is perfectly capable ofdoing all kinds of great things.
He's already done great thingsand will continue to do them.
But what he may need is a goodfriend, who will give him the
presence of attention and say,let's go through this.
(12:38):
Tell me what's up.
What are you going through withall of this?
Dr. Christy Vincent (12:41):
And if, in my examples that I was giving,
if someone says, they're goingto be fine, don't worry.
I'm going to leave thatconversation not feeling any
better, less concerned, or lessworried.
And I'm not going to have anybetter insight as to what's kind
of nagging at me?
Why am I worried?
But if I am asked those otherquestions, it's causing me to
(13:02):
think critically about myself,not critical as in a negative
thing, but to think in a mannerof really questioning myself and
what's important.
I might actually discover what'sgoing on underneath the surface
if someone's willing to ask methose open questions and let me
talk about it.
David Lowry (13:20):
And Christy, a person who gave you that sort of
closed ended oh, don't worry.
Your kids are going to be fine.
They always find a way.
They may go away wondering whyis it that Christy and I don't
really have these deepconversations?
And they're very puzzled by whythe relationship stays surface
level.
Don Drew (13:36):
All of us at some time probably give that kind of a
response, and we mean well bythat.
But I think we can all seethat's really pretty dismissive
and it ends the conversation.
There's something else thathappens when we give advice
maybe not of that nature, butwhen we're saying if I were you,
I would do this, that, or theother, right?
(13:58):
And we'd usually do that also,meaning well.
But one of the things we do whenwe give advice and we tell
somebody how they should dosomething is basically, we're
taking ownership of that issueand saying, I don't believe
you're capable of solving this.
This is what you need to do.
And that's very problematic.
David Lowry (14:17):
And man, that leaves people feeling empty too.
Dr. Christy Vincent (14:20):
Yes, and it doesn't treat them like the
creators in their lives thatthey are.
It treats them as if we don'treally think they know what to
do about a problem.
And we don't act as if they havean inner teacher or any inner
wisdom and that they need us.
And when you think about it, ifsomeone asks you for your
advice.
(14:41):
If someone says, look, here'swhat I'm dealing with, what
would you do?
It's easy in that moment toactually give them your advice.
My suggestion is that you startwith questions.
What about my advice would behelpful to you right now?
What parts of my experience thatI've had are you thinking would
(15:02):
make me particularly good atresponding to this?
What kinds of suggestions areyou looking for suggestions
about how you're thinking aboutthe problem?
Are you looking for suggestionsfor actually what to do in the
moment when your child does thisor that?
Even doing that helps you knowwhat kind of advice to give, and
(15:22):
then you can give yourperspective and your advice.
But again, the way we do that iswith this humbleness that says,
I think have answers yourself.
I'm willing to share myexperience with you because
you've asked me for it.
But continuing to show thatperson, I am here for you and I
believe in your abilities.
David Lowry (15:43):
This is a tricky thing that all parents run into
with adult children.
From time to time, my kid willcome up and do something like,
dad, what do you think I shoulddo about, fill in whatever.
Dr. Christy Vincent (15:54):
I think one of the things I would say if my
adult child asked me a question,what do you think I should do
about this?
I would say first of all, tellme what are some of the things
that you have thought about?
What are some options you havecome up with?
As you've thought of those?
What's caused you to discardsome over another?
Again turning it back to askingthem for what they thought.
(16:16):
But then you could also say whatis the hardest part about this
decision?
David Lowry (16:21):
Oh, that's a really good one.
Don Drew (16:24):
Let's talk for a few minutes about how to make those
questions.
better.
Because asking questions isgreat, asking good questions is
even better.
So how do we do that?
What do we look for in our wayof asking questions?
Dr. Christy Vincent (16:37):
I think what you said is important and
that is the way you're askingthe question, the tone that
you're using, but it's backed upby a genuine curiosity and a
genuine interest in the otherperson, and a willingness to
curb your judgment of what theiranswer is.
You may be judging their answerand you may want to tell them
(17:01):
that, but the first thing isyour basic posture is curiosity,
openness, and your tone is onethat invites the other person to
talk as opposed to feeling likeit's not a psychologically safe
conversation.
Don Drew (17:17):
And the importance then of active listening.
We've, David, you and I havedone a program before on active
listening, right?
It's one thing to ask aquestion, then it's another to
actually listen in a meaningfulway, right?
So Christy, I've heard that whyquestions are not usually great
questions.
What's that about?
Dr. Christy Vincent (17:33):
I think it tends to put people on the
defensive when you're askingthem to justify.
Why as a reason giving aquestion and they may not have
the answer to that or the answermay be complicated.
It may be multiple reasons.
And we learned in communicationthat why questions can be
problematic.
(17:53):
There are some ways that you canhelp with that.
Sometimes, I will actually put aphrase at the front of it.
Can you help me understand yourthinking about that?
Can you walk me through yourthinking?
Can you help me understand theway you were going about your
reasons in that?
All of those are betterquestions that don't put the
(18:15):
person on the defensive and makeyou look like you really are
wanting to learn and be curiousabout the other person and what
they're doing.
Don Drew (18:25):
So, to repeat that one phrase that you used, just then,
help me understand.
You taught me that several yearsago.
I used it a number of times inmy life and it really helps,
especially when a conversationmay be a little difficult.
When the person that'sexpressing some kind of angst or
whatever and seems to inviteyour input at the same time by
(18:47):
saying, help me understand howyou got there or what is
bothering you when someone is anopen invitation for the person
to clarify.
And I found that to be extremelyuseful.
Dr. Christy Vincent (18:58):
Oh, absolutely.
I call it a face givingstatement because it assumes
there are reasons and there arethings behind their behavior and
you're trying to understandthem.
You've really brought upsomething that I did want to
mention, and that is that one ofthe most important times to ask
questions is when you are in adifficult conversation, even
something you might call aconflict with someone else.
(19:20):
Usually we're in a telling mode.
We want them to understand ourperspective.
We want them to understand whatthey have done that has been
offensive or problematic for us.
We want that to be changed, orwe want an apology.
And the last thing we are, isreally curious.
And we find out that when we goin with this telling mode, then
(19:40):
they reciprocate with theirtelling mode.
Often things, emotions come inand people stand there telling
and they're actually talkingpast one another.
So, if we can do thatperspective seeking questions to
where we say, everyone'sbehavior makes sense in their
own world.
Right?
Everyone's behavior makes sensein their own world.
(20:01):
How can I understand that world?
I may not agree with it.
I'm not saying we have to alwaysagree.
But I'm trying to say, how arethey viewing things?
What are they paying attentionto?
How are they interpreting orassigning meaning to things that
happen?
If I can be curious about that,often, there's maybe even not a
(20:21):
conflict or if it's anything,it's a misunderstanding or it's
even agreed to disagree.
And we can use question askingand conflict to to keep the
temperature down on the conflictand to truly come up with
solutions that are mutuallysatisfactory as opposed to one
(20:42):
person pushes their solution.
David Lowry (20:44):
It bsounds to me like you're trying to help the
other person gain clarity andgive you clarity.
Dr. Christy Vincent (20:50):
Yeah, absolutely.
David Lowry (20:51):
And clarity is is so helpful.
When we have that moment ofclarity about what it is I need
to do with a problem, or themoment of clarity of why the
problem exists, or what I needto do going forward, those are
really wonderful moments in ourlife, right?
As opposed to living in thisnetherworld where there's more
questions than direction.
Dr. Christy Vincent (21:12):
I was thinking about, when I go on my
day to day job as a coach, I amnot coming into the situation,
assuming that the person I amwith is not an professional
person who's extremelyaccomplished and who's doing
very well in their lives.
Why do they need a coach?
It's not because I have theanswers for them.
(21:33):
It's because I am willing tohave a posture of curiosity and
openness.
And I am willing to askquestions that help them think
for themselves.
Even sometimes when you hearyourself talk, you start getting
better insight, better awarenessand you start thinking about
things a little differently thanyou did before.
(21:54):
It's almost like you picked up adifferent pair of glasses and
you're looking at the problemthrough a different lens because
someone asked you a questionthat reframed the issue a bit
for you.
David Lowry (22:04):
My friend Duane used to say, I don't know what I
think about it until I talk.
There's truth to that.
Don Drew (22:10):
Yeah, absolutely.
Okay.
So, it's important to ask morequestions.
We've done that well, I think.
And we've talked more about howto ask better questions.
Here's the issue that I see.
We and our listeners are for themost part in a second half of
our lives.
We have spent our lifedirecting, telling doing,
instruction, explaining, and soforth.
(22:32):
We probably haven't been wherewe ask a whole lot of questions
in our life.
How can we train ourselves atthis point?
How do we actually do it?
Dr. Christy Vincent (22:40):
It's a mindfulness, being mindful of
it, but I think the first thingis for each of us to think about
a time when we were wantingsomeone to ask us some questions
and they didn't.
And we get into that feeling ofwhat it's like when you think I
left that conversation and thatperson never asked me one
question.
They could see that I wanted totalk about some things, but it
(23:02):
was empty.
And if we have a desire to havedeeper and better relationships,
then one, staying in thatfeeling for a minute and
realizing, Hey, we may be doingthat to the other person.
And we're not meaning to, we'renot trying to be rude.
But we are leaving them feelinglike we have felt before.
That's one thing.
Another is to, put littlereminders to ourselves.
(23:26):
On my computer at home, I have,"wait, why am I talking?" in
coaching, it should be about an80, 20, your client should be
talking about 80 percent of thetime.
And as a coach, if I'm startingto find myself talking and
telling, as opposed to askingquestions, then, I'm not doing
my job well.
David Lowry (23:46):
Christy, the other night I met a buddy for dinner
and he asked a very perspectivetaking question and I started to
answer.
Then somehow his mind becamederailed.
He interrupted and went a wholenother direction.
I felt shut down and I rememberthinking, Oh man!
Don Drew (24:05):
That wasn't me, was it?
David Lowry (24:06):
Oh no, no, no, it wasn't you.
But we do that.
Sometimes we don't realize we'veasked a person something that
has great significance to them,and they really want to talk
about it, and then we scoot offin a different direction and
leave them holding an emotionalbag.
I felt disappointed that Ididn't get to explore that and
share that with my friend.
Don Drew (24:27):
Christy, about eight years ago, you did a TEDx talk
in which he get the name wrong,but I think it was catch
yourself catching yourself orsomething to that effect.
And that really was about beingself aware.
You mentioned mindfulness just aminute ago, being self aware and
looking for those things thatyou want to change in your life.
How can that help us make thisshift?
Dr. Christy Vincent (24:47):
Yeah, catch yourself being
Don Drew (24:48):
Catch yourself being yourself.
Okay.
Dr. Christy Vincent (24:50):
And what that's about is that we have our
own blind spots and our own waysof thinking about the world
that, if they go unchallenged,then we continue to respond with
the same thing.
Sometimes we can catch ourselvesand know ourselves better if
we're in conversation with otherpeople and we're in these kinds
of deep relationships, we cankind of see and pay attention to
(25:11):
when we are doing that thing, wedo, whatever it is.
And, It's a mindfulness.
It's a reflection.
It's where you say to yourself,I want to live my life with
purpose.
I want to live my life withintention.
And so I'm going to, behaveaccording to those intentions.
So, for example, I often, beforeI go into a certain conversation
(25:35):
or a certain situation, I willremind myself in that moment.
How do you want to show up?
I asked myself if I'm going togo have coffee with one of my
sons who's in, in law school andstressful.
It's fine.
It's stressful.
How do I want to show up?
And as I'm getting out of thecar in the parking lot, walking
(25:55):
into the coffee shop, how do Iwant to show up?
And do I want to show up as amom who cares, but who's also
able to not make it about me,who's able to listen to their
situation, who's able to askquestions that are helpful to
them, who's, who's able to makethis time that we're spending
together drinking coffee, wherethey leave feeling better than
(26:20):
they did.
Don Drew (26:21):
One way we can do that is by asking more questions and
asking better questions.
Dr.
Christy Vincent, thank you verymuch for being with us today.
So appreciate this.
And thank you for being ourfirst guest, we've had that's
been on twice.
So congratulations.
David Lowry (26:36):
Christy, I am so proud to call you a friend.
Don, you married above yourself,
Don Drew (26:43):
I absolutely did.
Dr. Christy Vincent (26:44):
I appreciate the opportunity.
I love you both very dearly andthank you for letting me be on.
David Lowry (26:49):
Thank you.
We'll see you again soon.
And Don, I look forward to ournext conversation next week.
Don Drew (26:55):
Absolutely.
As we go through our lives, relationships
(00:02):
change.
And it's really a good idea toapproach our relationships with
a continued openness andinterest and curiosity so that
we can draw the other personout, get to know them for who
they are right now, not somepreconceived notion that we have
of them or what we think orpresume we know about them.
David Lowry (00:25):
This is David Lowry.
Welcome to Peaceful Life Radio.
That was Dr.
Christy Vincent, who's going tobe our guest on our show today.
And you can tell from that clip,it's really good.
And Don, it's good to see youtoday.
Don Drew (00:36):
It's good to see you, David.
We want to remind all ourlisteners to like, download, and
share our program.
Tell all your friends about it.
Get the word out.
David Lowry (00:44):
We've got some great guests coming.
Don Drew (00:46):
Yes we do.
David Lowry (00:47):
Don, why don't you tell us about our guest today?
Don Drew (00:50):
I will.
This is Dr.
Christy Vincent.
She's Professor Emeritus ofCommunications and an Executive
Coach and the President ofRemind LLC.
Anybody wanting to get hold ofher, you're going to find her at
christyvincent.
com.
Today she's going to be talkingabout Asking More and Better
Questions, but in truth, I needto let everybody know, this is
(01:13):
actually my wife and I'm veryproud of her.
She's does a great work ineverything she does.
And I'm really excited aboutthis.
I actually learned a lot abouthow to ask more and better
questions from her.
And I think she's got somereally valuable things to share
with us today.
David Lowry (01:28):
Christy, we're so glad you're on our program.
Thank you for coming back again.
And Don, let's begin ourquestions for Christy.
Don Drew (01:34):
Let's keep it really simple and straightforward Dr.
Vincent why is it important toask more and better questions?
Dr. Christy Vincent (01:41):
Thanks so much, and it's great to be with
you all today.
So I make a living by askingquestions.
So, maybe I have a little biastoward that.
But one of the primary reasonsis that one of the ways you can
developyour relationships withpeople to become deeper and
closer is if you are willing toapproach those relationships
(02:03):
with curiosity and ask questionsas opposed to what we tend to do
instead.
And that is be in a tellingmode, rather than a questioning
mode.
And there's lots of reasons whythat is important.
But that's the first place Iwant to start with your
listeners.
When you are in the second partof your life, then you often
(02:27):
have been in relationships withpeople for a long period of
time.
Say your children, you weretheir parents when they were
young, maybe then teenagers,young adults.
I have a son who's 42 this year.
And as my relationship with himhas changed over time, I have
had to adjust my role as hisparent and how I talk with him.
David Lowry (02:51):
Christy, I have a son about the same age.
Sometimes I have to, suck mybreath in and say, remember, he
is a CFO of a real estatecompany in Los Angeles.
He doesn't need you to give himadvice on much of anything these
days.
We still have this greatrelationship, but it's different
than it was, right?
We have to remind ourselvesthat's not a kid like you
(03:12):
remember.
Dr. Christy Vincent (03:13):
Absolutely.
And the other types ofrelationships is your
relationships with your ownparents as you age,
relationships with yoursiblings.
Perhaps even former co workersor current co workers.
As we go through our lives,relationships change.
And it's really a good idea toapproach our relationships with
(03:35):
a continued openness andinterest and curiosity so that
we can draw the other personout, get to know them for who
they are right now, not somepreconceived notion that we have
of them or what we think orpresume we know about them.
Don Drew (03:52):
And so where I think we're going is the way to do
that, or one way to do that isto ask more questions.
Dr. Christy Vincent (03:58):
Yes, absolutely.
But you don't want the person tofeel like they're being deposed.
So, it's a posture of opennessand curiosity that you have
toward the people in your life.
And you ask what I callperspective seeking questions,
where you try to understand howthe person is making sense of
the world and how they arefeeling about their world, what
(04:22):
they're thinking aboutsituations.
And by asking them questions,you are showing a level of
humility toward them.
You're making yourselfvulnerable because you're
engaging in a true dialogue.
It's not a true dialogue when wecome in here, what someone has
to say for a couple of seconds,and then we start advising.
(04:45):
It's coming from a good place.
I know it is because we careabout people.
We love them.
But when we come in and beginour telling, then we often will
close down conversations andclose down relationships because
the other person doesn't feelheard, seen, understood.
David Lowry (05:03):
This is an exciting thing to hear from my viewpoint
because we've known people for along time, but sometimes we may
have never really gone beneaththe surface to ask those
questions like you're talkingabout.
So many of our friendships havebeen so surface levels.
But think about the richness asenior has in their life all of
(05:25):
us have this treasure trove ofinformation within us, but
sometimes we've not really beenallowed to share some of that.
Don Drew (05:32):
But also, David, I think sometimes we feel like we
are in a position where we areexpected to tell, advise,
mentor, direct, and I think whatwe're hearing here is that may
be the message we've gottenthroughout a big part of our
lives, but it's not really wherewe might find ourselves now.
David Lowry (05:51):
It's not.
I like this.
Let's keep on with this idea ofthese perspective questions.
Dr. Christy Vincent (05:57):
Absolutely.
I want to ask a question.
Have you been in a situationwhere you've been concerned
about something happening inyour life and you've told
someone else about it.
And they responded, probablyfrom a good place, but you kind
of think okay, but I can thinkof a lot of reasons why that
(06:19):
advice isn't very good for myparticular situation.
And one of the favorite quotes Ihave in my head is we give
advice by the bucket, but wetake it by the grain.
David Lowry (06:34):
Yes, I have been in that situation, and there's
something resistant in me whenthat happens.
Almost a bit off putting, it'slike, you're not really getting
this level of interaction withone another that you could be
having.
And instead you're wasting yourtime listening to I'll tell you
(06:56):
what I used to do back in theday, or something like that, as
opposed to hearing things thatcause you to reevaluate your way
of looking at the world to finda new fresh way of looking at
it.
Dr. Christy Vincent (07:07):
Oh, that's absolutely right.
And because we're not going inwith some presumption that we
know what is best for the otherperson, or even how the person
is thinking or feeling about it,then we're able to help them
think for themselves.
They have an inner teacherthemselves, they have inner
wisdom, and many times if we canbe the person who asks questions
(07:28):
of them, we can actually helpthem unlock some of those
answers for themselves.
We cannot do that if we aretelling.
David Lowry (07:36):
Let's talk about that, Don.
This inner wisdom that we havewithin us.
How do we help people tap intothat?
Dr. Christy Vincent (07:46):
I think it's how we ask the questions
and that we are trying to askwhat I refer to, what Parker
Palmer, a famous writer, refersto as open and honest questions.
Let's take the second part ofthat first.
It's an honest question in thatyou really don't know the answer
(08:06):
to it.
It's not a leading question.
It's where you say to the otherperson what are all the things
that you have thought about howyou could handle this?
What is your biggest concern asyou move forward?
As you think about your familyrelationships, how have they
(08:28):
possibly affected how you'rethinking about this?
Those are all open.
You're not suggesting there's ananswer, that you're trying to
get them to the answer.
You're really getting them toreflect and tune in to that
inner teacher they have, thatinner wisdom.
What would not be a goodquestion is, Don't you think the
way your mother treated youprobably has something to do
(08:50):
with how you're feeling aboutthat?
That looks like a question.
It's masquerading
David Lowry (08:55):
Yes, but your advice giving all of that.
Don Drew (08:58):
That's also referred to as a closed ended question,
really.
It's assuming certain things andso on, it's not very useful.
An open question, an honestquestion, has many elements to
it.
It demonstrates curiosity, itinvites a response that isn't
assumed, maybe not evenexpected.
David Lowry (09:16):
What's so exciting about this to me is that it
opens up new ways ofcommunicating with other people
you've known all of your life,maybe or people that you've
known 30, 40 years.
You sit and have a conversationwhere you're not trying to push
a darn thing on them.
You know that these are goodpeople, but you ask questions
(09:38):
reflectively and let themprocess it.
And it's magic.
Dr. Christy Vincent (09:43):
It really is.
And I'll use myself for anexample.
David Lowry (09:46):
Okay.
Dr. Christy Vincent (09:46):
I have identical twin boys who are 24
and they are in law school rightnow, their first year of law
school, first semester.
And as a mom watching them gothrough that process and seeing
that they're together, in thoseclasses and they are competing
with each other and with theother students and they're
(10:08):
learning how to adjust todifferent professors, they're
thinking about their future,they're wondering what type of
lawyers they're going to be, allthe things.
As a mom.
I have so much concern for themand so much care for them and I
want very much for them tosucceed.
And so if I mentioned myconcern, let's say to a friend,
(10:30):
and I'm talking about it, andthe friend says, Oh, don't
worry, they're going to be fine.
They're great.
Don't worry.
They're going to be fine.
Okay.
I don't really have anythingelse to say.
That doesn't really address whatis going on inside of me.
Where if someone said, if youthink about it, and you think
about your boys and yourrelationship with them, what's
(10:53):
the, what's your fear that'scoming forth as you are
concerned about this?
Or what's the hardest thingabout being a mom of a young
adult that's, going on their ownway in the world?
Or, what inside of you\ isfeeling an emotion?
(11:14):
What part of you is feeling thatemotion?
What insights are you havingabout yourself as a mom, as you
think about your boys?
Those last questions, those aregoing to get to my inner
teacher.
Don Drew (11:27):
it really speaks to the honest part of open and
honest question because thequestioner, the person asking
the question, really couldn'tknow the answer, could they?
They're not leading yousomewhere.
They're not hiding their opinionin the question somewhere.
Instead, it's an open questionand it's an honest question in
that it invites you to speakinto that space and the one
(11:49):
that's asking the question can'tpossibly know really where
you're going.
David Lowry (11:53):
I think one of the things we need to remember as
people going through the secondhalf of life is that we honor
our friends when we invite themto share their concerns with us
and to explore that with uswithout any expectation that
we're going to fix them.
If we can honor the fact that,hey, I could be useful as a
(12:15):
sounding board or ask somereflective questions, but both
of us together will learn moreabout each other.
Don is perfectly capable ofdoing all kinds of great things.
He's already done great thingsand will continue to do them.
But what he may need is a goodfriend, who will give him the
presence of attention and say,let's go through this.
(12:38):
Tell me what's up.
What are you going through withall of this?
Dr. Christy Vincent (12:41):
And if, in my examples that I was giving,
if someone says, they're goingto be fine, don't worry.
I'm going to leave thatconversation not feeling any
better, less concerned, or lessworried.
And I'm not going to have anybetter insight as to what's kind
of nagging at me?
Why am I worried?
But if I am asked those otherquestions, it's causing me to
(13:02):
think critically about myself,not critical as in a negative
thing, but to think in a mannerof really questioning myself and
what's important.
I might actually discover what'sgoing on underneath the surface
if someone's willing to ask methose open questions and let me
talk about it.
David Lowry (13:20):
And Christy, a person who gave you that sort of
closed ended oh, don't worry.
Your kids are going to be fine.
They always find a way.
They may go away wondering whyis it that Christy and I don't
really have these deepconversations?
And they're very puzzled by whythe relationship stays surface
level.
Don Drew (13:36):
All of us at some time probably give that kind of a
response, and we mean well bythat.
But I think we can all seethat's really pretty dismissive
and it ends the conversation.
There's something else thathappens when we give advice
maybe not of that nature, butwhen we're saying if I were you,
I would do this, that, or theother, right?
(13:58):
And we'd usually do that also,meaning well.
But one of the things we do whenwe give advice and we tell
somebody how they should dosomething is basically, we're
taking ownership of that issueand saying, I don't believe
you're capable of solving this.
This is what you need to do.
And that's very problematic.
David Lowry (14:17):
And man, that leaves people feeling empty too.
Dr. Christy Vincent (14:20):
Yes, and it doesn't treat them like the
creators in their lives thatthey are.
It treats them as if we don'treally think they know what to
do about a problem.
And we don't act as if they havean inner teacher or any inner
wisdom and that they need us.
And when you think about it, ifsomeone asks you for your
advice.
(14:41):
If someone says, look, here'swhat I'm dealing with, what
would you do?
It's easy in that moment toactually give them your advice.
My suggestion is that you startwith questions.
What about my advice would behelpful to you right now?
What parts of my experience thatI've had are you thinking would
(15:02):
make me particularly good atresponding to this?
What kinds of suggestions areyou looking for suggestions
about how you're thinking aboutthe problem?
Are you looking for suggestionsfor actually what to do in the
moment when your child does thisor that?
Even doing that helps you knowwhat kind of advice to give, and
(15:22):
then you can give yourperspective and your advice.
But again, the way we do that iswith this humbleness that says,
I think have answers yourself.
I'm willing to share myexperience with you because
you've asked me for it.
But continuing to show thatperson, I am here for you and I
believe in your abilities.
David Lowry (15:43):
This is a tricky thing that all parents run into
with adult children.
From time to time, my kid willcome up and do something like,
dad, what do you think I shoulddo about, fill in whatever.
Dr. Christy Vincent (15:54):
I think one of the things I would say if my
adult child asked me a question,what do you think I should do
about this?
I would say first of all, tellme what are some of the things
that you have thought about?
What are some options you havecome up with?
As you've thought of those?
What's caused you to discardsome over another?
Again turning it back to askingthem for what they thought.
(16:16):
But then you could also say whatis the hardest part about this
decision?
David Lowry (16:21):
Oh, that's a really good one.
Don Drew (16:24):
Let's talk for a few minutes about how to make those
questions.
better.
Because asking questions isgreat, asking good questions is
even better.
So how do we do that?
What do we look for in our wayof asking questions?
Dr. Christy Vincent (16:37):
I think what you said is important and
that is the way you're askingthe question, the tone that
you're using, but it's backed upby a genuine curiosity and a
genuine interest in the otherperson, and a willingness to
curb your judgment of what theiranswer is.
You may be judging their answerand you may want to tell them
(17:01):
that, but the first thing isyour basic posture is curiosity,
openness, and your tone is onethat invites the other person to
talk as opposed to feeling likeit's not a psychologically safe
conversation.
Don Drew (17:17):
And the importance then of active listening.
We've, David, you and I havedone a program before on active
listening, right?
It's one thing to ask aquestion, then it's another to
actually listen in a meaningfulway, right?
So Christy, I've heard that whyquestions are not usually great
questions.
What's that about?
Dr. Christy Vincent (17:33):
I think it tends to put people on the
defensive when you're askingthem to justify.
Why as a reason giving aquestion and they may not have
the answer to that or the answermay be complicated.
It may be multiple reasons.
And we learned in communicationthat why questions can be
problematic.
(17:53):
There are some ways that you canhelp with that.
Sometimes, I will actually put aphrase at the front of it.
Can you help me understand yourthinking about that?
Can you walk me through yourthinking?
Can you help me understand theway you were going about your
reasons in that?
All of those are betterquestions that don't put the
(18:15):
person on the defensive and makeyou look like you really are
wanting to learn and be curiousabout the other person and what
they're doing.
Don Drew (18:25):
So, to repeat that one phrase that you used, just then,
help me understand.
You taught me that several yearsago.
I used it a number of times inmy life and it really helps,
especially when a conversationmay be a little difficult.
When the person that'sexpressing some kind of angst or
whatever and seems to inviteyour input at the same time by
(18:47):
saying, help me understand howyou got there or what is
bothering you when someone is anopen invitation for the person
to clarify.
And I found that to be extremelyuseful.
Dr. Christy Vincent (18:58):
Oh, absolutely.
I call it a face givingstatement because it assumes
there are reasons and there arethings behind their behavior and
you're trying to understandthem.
You've really brought upsomething that I did want to
mention, and that is that one ofthe most important times to ask
questions is when you are in adifficult conversation, even
something you might call aconflict with someone else.
(19:20):
Usually we're in a telling mode.
We want them to understand ourperspective.
We want them to understand whatthey have done that has been
offensive or problematic for us.
We want that to be changed, orwe want an apology.
And the last thing we are, isreally curious.
And we find out that when we goin with this telling mode, then
(19:40):
they reciprocate with theirtelling mode.
Often things, emotions come inand people stand there telling
and they're actually talkingpast one another.
So, if we can do thatperspective seeking questions to
where we say, everyone'sbehavior makes sense in their
own world.
Right?
Everyone's behavior makes sensein their own world.
(20:01):
How can I understand that world?
I may not agree with it.
I'm not saying we have to alwaysagree.
But I'm trying to say, how arethey viewing things?
What are they paying attentionto?
How are they interpreting orassigning meaning to things that
happen?
If I can be curious about that,often, there's maybe even not a
(20:21):
conflict or if it's anything,it's a misunderstanding or it's
even agreed to disagree.
And we can use question askingand conflict to to keep the
temperature down on the conflictand to truly come up with
solutions that are mutuallysatisfactory as opposed to one
(20:42):
person pushes their solution.
David Lowry (20:44):
It bsounds to me like you're trying to help the
other person gain clarity andgive you clarity.
Dr. Christy Vincent (20:50):
Yeah, absolutely.
David Lowry (20:51):
And clarity is is so helpful.
When we have that moment ofclarity about what it is I need
to do with a problem, or themoment of clarity of why the
problem exists, or what I needto do going forward, those are
really wonderful moments in ourlife, right?
As opposed to living in thisnetherworld where there's more
questions than direction.
Dr. Christy Vincent (21:12):
I was thinking about, when I go on my
day to day job as a coach, I amnot coming into the situation,
assuming that the person I amwith is not an professional
person who's extremelyaccomplished and who's doing
very well in their lives.
Why do they need a coach?
It's not because I have theanswers for them.
(21:33):
It's because I am willing tohave a posture of curiosity and
openness.
And I am willing to askquestions that help them think
for themselves.
Even sometimes when you hearyourself talk, you start getting
better insight, better awarenessand you start thinking about
things a little differently thanyou did before.
(21:54):
It's almost like you picked up adifferent pair of glasses and
you're looking at the problemthrough a different lens because
someone asked you a questionthat reframed the issue a bit
for you.
David Lowry (22:04):
My friend Duane used to say, I don't know what I
think about it until I talk.
There's truth to that.
Don Drew (22:10):
Yeah, absolutely.
Okay.
So, it's important to ask morequestions.
We've done that well, I think.
And we've talked more about howto ask better questions.
Here's the issue that I see.
We and our listeners are for themost part in a second half of
our lives.
We have spent our lifedirecting, telling doing,
instruction, explaining, and soforth.
(22:32):
We probably haven't been wherewe ask a whole lot of questions
in our life.
How can we train ourselves atthis point?
How do we actually do it?
Dr. Christy Vincent (22:40):
It's a mindfulness, being mindful of
it, but I think the first thingis for each of us to think about
a time when we were wantingsomeone to ask us some questions
and they didn't.
And we get into that feeling ofwhat it's like when you think I
left that conversation and thatperson never asked me one
question.
They could see that I wanted totalk about some things, but it
(23:02):
was empty.
And if we have a desire to havedeeper and better relationships,
then one, staying in thatfeeling for a minute and
realizing, Hey, we may be doingthat to the other person.
And we're not meaning to, we'renot trying to be rude.
But we are leaving them feelinglike we have felt before.
That's one thing.
Another is to, put littlereminders to ourselves.
(23:26):
On my computer at home, I have,"wait, why am I talking?" in
coaching, it should be about an80, 20, your client should be
talking about 80 percent of thetime.
And as a coach, if I'm startingto find myself talking and
telling, as opposed to askingquestions, then, I'm not doing
my job well.
David Lowry (23:46):
Christy, the other night I met a buddy for dinner
and he asked a very perspectivetaking question and I started to
answer.
Then somehow his mind becamederailed.
He interrupted and went a wholenother direction.
I felt shut down and I rememberthinking, Oh man!
Don Drew (24:05):
That wasn't me, was it?
David Lowry (24:06):
Oh no, no, no, it wasn't you.
But we do that.
Sometimes we don't realize we'veasked a person something that
has great significance to them,and they really want to talk
about it, and then we scoot offin a different direction and
leave them holding an emotionalbag.
I felt disappointed that Ididn't get to explore that and
share that with my friend.
Don Drew (24:27):
Christy, about eight years ago, you did a TEDx talk
in which he get the name wrong,but I think it was catch
yourself catching yourself orsomething to that effect.
And that really was about beingself aware.
You mentioned mindfulness just aminute ago, being self aware and
looking for those things thatyou want to change in your life.
How can that help us make thisshift?
Dr. Christy Vincent (24:47):
Yeah, catch yourself being
Don Drew (24:48):
Catch yourself being yourself.
Okay.
Dr. Christy Vincent (24:50):
And what that's about is that we have our
own blind spots and our own waysof thinking about the world
that, if they go unchallenged,then we continue to respond with
the same thing.
Sometimes we can catch ourselvesand know ourselves better if
we're in conversation with otherpeople and we're in these kinds
of deep relationships, we cankind of see and pay attention to
(25:11):
when we are doing that thing, wedo, whatever it is.
And, It's a mindfulness.
It's a reflection.
It's where you say to yourself,I want to live my life with
purpose.
I want to live my life withintention.
And so I'm going to, behaveaccording to those intentions.
So, for example, I often, beforeI go into a certain conversation
(25:35):
or a certain situation, I willremind myself in that moment.
How do you want to show up?
I asked myself if I'm going togo have coffee with one of my
sons who's in, in law school andstressful.
It's fine.
It's stressful.
How do I want to show up?
And as I'm getting out of thecar in the parking lot, walking
(25:55):
into the coffee shop, how do Iwant to show up?
And do I want to show up as amom who cares, but who's also
able to not make it about me,who's able to listen to their
situation, who's able to askquestions that are helpful to
them, who's, who's able to makethis time that we're spending
together drinking coffee, wherethey leave feeling better than
(26:20):
they did.
Don Drew (26:21):
One way we can do that is by asking more questions and
asking better questions.
Dr.
Christy Vincent, thank you verymuch for being with us today.
So appreciate this.
And thank you for being ourfirst guest, we've had that's
been on twice.
So congratulations.
David Lowry (26:36):
Christy, I am so proud to call you a friend.
Don, you married above yourself,
Don Drew (26:43):
I absolutely did.
Dr. Christy Vincent (26:44):
I appreciate the opportunity.
I love you both very dearly andthank you for letting me be on.
David Lowry (26:49):
Thank you.
We'll see you again soon.
And Don, I look forward to ournext conversation next week.
Don Drew (26:55):
Absolutely.
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