April 10, 2024 • 20 mins
Have you ever felt like a puzzle piece trying to fit into the wrong puzzle? This episode is for anyone who's ever searched for their tribe, a community where they feel they truly belong. I open up about the winding path to discovering my own place in the world, and how choosing to align with people who share my values and beliefs has been nothing short of transformative. We dissect the societal epidemic of loneliness and the silent battles many face due to a lack of connection, unpacking why carving out spaces for authenticity is not just important, but essential for our well-being.
Navigating the pressures to conform and shedding the masks we wear is a journey we discuss with candor, as I recount my youthful struggle between the allure of rugby and my passion for skateboarding. The conversation also takes a turn towards the liberating waters of personal growth, where, like fishermen, we learn to cast wide nets but keep only the friendships that enrich our lives. With engaging stories and a framework for self-discovery, this episode is a compass for anyone looking to cultivate deep, meaningful relationships that transcend simple acquaintance—and, as always, there's a sprinkle of insight on how to nurture these connections for mutual growth and fulfillment.
Applications are Open for the Strong Men Of Value Academy
Intake starts July 1.
If you need help setting goals & creating a vision. Start with the Self-Discovery program
My Online Course For High Performing Men:
đź’» đź’» Self Discovery Program: https://www.themanthatcanproject.com/selfdiscoverycourse
Join us in the Strong Men of Value Academy
https://www.themanthatcanproject.com
Follow Lachlan:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/lachlanstuart/
YouTube: https://youtube.com/@lachlanstuart91
Website: https://themanthatcanproject.com/
Newsletter: https://lachlan-stuart-tmtcp.ck.page/profile
Do Something Today To Be Better For Tomorrow
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 0 (00:00):
Find your tribe.
It's not too late.
Without a sense of belonging,individuals and communities
suffer.
With it, they thrive.
I'm super excited about thisweek's newsletter and episode
that I'm talking to you about,because it's something that I
struggled with for a very longtime.
I know a lot of people that Iwork with struggle with it and I
(00:20):
can almost guarantee a lot ofyou that are listening to this
or reading this are sufferingand struggling with it as well.
What I've thought about, andI've looked into a lot, is more
about building communities, andcommunities can't be established
without individuals likeyourself and myself coming
together with a common goal andvalues and belief systems in
(00:43):
order to really gel and moveforward.
As a result of you feeling likeyou have a place in that
community, or myself, we thenexperience that sense of
belonging that all of us craveand all of us desire.
What I do want to mentionbefore you continue listening
over on the newsletter, whichyou can find on my website,
(01:04):
there's a number of diagramsthat I find really helpful to
help you understand this more.
If you're very much like myself, where you love seeing imagery
on how things work, and I'vespent a fair bit of time really
breaking this down, thinkingabout the most simple way that I
would have enjoyed consuming ita number of years ago and still
the most simple way and waythat I enjoy consuming it today.
(01:27):
So I really appreciate you guysbeing here.
Think about it like this thereare events that you go to.
There are people that you speakwith that you just feel like
the time has flown and you wantit to continue.
Then there are events that youattend meetups that you go to,
people that you speak to, whereyou're like I never want to see
(01:47):
that person again, I never wantto experience that again, and
they are all completely okay.
What a lot of people don'ttruly do is reflect on the
impact of those experiences,because if you were doing that,
you would probably be muchcloser to being in the
environment where you experiencethat sense of belonging because
you've gone.
Oh, I need more of that in mylife.
(02:07):
Therefore, let's schedule timeto do that, or schedule time to
invest in that relationship.
I hope that's making sense.
The sense of belonging that alot of us are chasing is you
want to feel valued, you want tohave common interests, you want
to have purpose within thatenvironment, meaning you're not
just showing up and sitting inthe corner and you feel like you
can be your authentic self.
(02:28):
You know, there was a stat thatI read this week that three in
four Americans and Australia isa little bit less don't feel a
sense of belonging in at leastone area of their life.
And the cool thing about thatis that if you feel a sense of
belonging at least one area ofyour life, you just need to
reflect on why is that?
And develop a framework, and Ithink the one that I'll give you
throughout this episode will beextremely helpful, because you
(02:50):
can then go okay, well, if thisis the framework that works in
this area, let's say,professionally, have found your
sense of belonging, you've foundyour tribe.
Then, if you've found thatthere, you need to just break
that down and then go okay,let's duplicate that in my
personal life and I guaranteeyou you'll move much closer to
where you want to be.
Firstly, why should we care, andwhy should you care, that there
(03:11):
are a lot of people sufferingin silence?
You may be one of them orsomeone that you know, but I
just gave it away and I justrealized that is, we should care
that people don't have a senseof belonging because they are
suffering in silence.
I've been there.
I know a number of my clients,as I've mentioned, and a number
of you guys are suffering insilence, and it doesn't need to
(03:32):
be that way.
So what I'm going to share withyou isn't a quick fix.
It has been an ongoing journeyfor myself and something that
took probably 18 months before Ireally grasped it, because I
had a lot of work to do onmyself before I could really fit
into the environments and themeetups that I wanted to, and
that's why self-discovery issuch an important part.
I've built a course that youguys can check out on the
website, which will help you, injust three hours, get really
(03:55):
clear on that and build aroadmap to start discovering
more about who you are and whatyou want, because when you're in
a position where you reallyhave an idea of who you are in
this moment, it will evolve andwhat you want.
You can then start seeking outexperiences and meetups that are
more aligned with that, becausethat's going to help you get
around those like-minded peopleand experiences that are going
(04:17):
to give you that huge sense ofbelonging.
So think about that, but youmust accept you are responsible
for doing this.
No one else can do it for you.
As much as it pains me to saythat, because I know some of you
are in pain, you have to stepup and you have to really ask
more of yourself in this momentto get yourself on the other
side, where life is great.
I've walked that path.
(04:38):
I understand how hard it can beto dig yourself and if you
don't have a good supportnetwork around, it's probably
going to be that little bitharder.
But if you're listening to this, you're already doing more than
most people.
You just need to put intopractice what you're listening
to right now.
So back to 2013, almost 11 yearsago now, I wasn't living
(04:58):
authentically, and to me, livingauthentically means living by
my own values, my own beliefsand my own goals.
At the time, I recognize asmuch as, on the outside looking
in, I was living a great life.
I'd been playing rugby inFrance, I had good relationships
, some cool friends.
I still never felt like I wastruly being myself.
(05:19):
I wasn't living authenticallyand, as a result of that, I
wasn't experiencing thefulfillment that I thought I
should be with the success thatI achieved, or sustained at that
.
So for a long time, I feltconfused.
I was feeling lost and I waslike I thought this was success.
I thought this was supposed tomake me feel fulfilled and I
would feel like I really belongto something or being a part of
(05:41):
something.
But because I had adopted otherpeople's beliefs, other
people's values and otherpeople's goals of what a good
life should look like, I didn'tfeel like I belong because it
wasn't congruently what I wanted.
And if you're experiencing that, that is okay.
But coming back to, you need totake responsibility for that.
You really need to start doingthis self-discovery work to get
(06:03):
back on path with this, becauseit's never too late.
It honestly isn't.
I do believe, and I'll becompletely honest, when I first
experienced, I guess, wanting tofit in and I believe everyone
wants to fit in that's thatwhole sense of belonging.
But unfortunately, we sacrificeour own values, beliefs,
standards or goals in order tofit into crowds that maybe we
(06:26):
don't or wouldn't fit into hadwe known more about where we
want to be in life.
And I did that, and this isnothing against any of the
communities that I was part of.
They were all stepping stones,but what happened as a result of
that was that I sacrificed somuch of my opportunity to
discover more about who I was.
Now I remember when I was 13,and this is probably one of the
(06:47):
earliest memories of reallytrying to fit in I went to a
rugby school on a scholarshipfor running right, but as
someone who loves skateboardingand loved running, I was quite
skinny.
And I went to this rugby schooland I stood out for my own
reasons, because I was winningstate titles, et cetera, and so
I started getting picked on, andI didn't like getting picked on
no way.
(07:07):
So what I decided to do was, Ithought, if I become a rugby
player, I'll be, I guess,accepted by the people who are
picking.
So I stopped and I guess Ichanged my goals.
I shifted what I valued inorder to fit in, and I did fit
in.
I didn't stand out and fittinginto the wrong crowd and I won't
say wrong crowd because I lovethe great mates but I guess,
(07:28):
from what I was trying toachieve standpoint, I didn't
feel like I was beingauthentically myself.
I'd sacrificed part of who Iwas, and that is not a fun place
to live.
The power of wanting to fit inreally pulled me away from where
I was truly supposed to be, andit wasn't until I was older
that I recognized I want to puta disclaimer here being so young
(07:48):
and not really having the toolsor the education to understand
how important it is to discoverwho you are.
I needed that.
I didn't want to get picked on,I didn't want to stand out in a
world where, like this wholevideo, I wanted to belong, I
wanted to find out, and so Iwouldn't change that.
And for the younger peoplelistening, this framework will
be more powerful for you thanever.
(08:10):
And I do believe social mediais an incredible tool for people
trying to find their tribe,because you can find such niche
or unique communities that youdidn't have access to
pre-internet.
So I guess, to circle it backto that experience, I was thrown
into the unknown zone, or thediscomfort, in a whole new
environment.
And when you're in a newenvironment you will feel
(08:31):
imposter syndrome, especially ifyou're good at something.
You will feel overwhelmed andyou will doubt yourself.
That's all part of it.
And in those moments, with theright perspective, you can grow.
And the upsides of that is youget to build resilience, you get
new opportunities, you getpersonal growth.
But a lot of people want tostay in that comfort zone.
They want to stay shelteredwhere they are because it's like
I just want to fit in, I justwant that belonging.
(08:53):
But the consequences ofbelonging to the wrong group are
dire and I'm sure you'veexperienced it.
I've experienced it right nogrowth, no purpose, no true
value.
And I want to help you guyschange.
If you really want that senseof belonging, you've got to
accept you will grow because, inorder to put yourself out there
to find that sense of belonging, you're going to be meeting new
(09:13):
people.
That is growth, right.
New conversations, newperspectives, new ideas, new
opportunities, okay.
And you will be in newenvironments Once again, going
to a place which maybe youhaven't been in before.
That is daunting.
That is going to bring youthose, I guess, negative
feelings.
But if you can accept that, orif you can understand that those
negative feelings come with theunknown zone how do I best
(09:36):
prepare for that?
You will get comfortable inthat process, which is a key
part of building betterconnection and finding your
tribe, finding your network.
So let's dive in.
The framework that I'm going togo through right now will bring
you back to your most authenticself.
Remember, it's not a quick fix.
It will take time and it willevolve, because as you learn
things, as you experience newthings and you're in new
(09:58):
environments, your mindset willshift, your beliefs will shift,
and that should continue tohappen throughout life, because
who you are right now, or whatbrought you to this point, isn't
a version of yourself.
That's going to bring you towhere you want to get to, and
it's going to be that rinse andrepeat cycle.
So, even if you feel extremelylost, this will work for you.
So where do you belong?
We've got the diagram there.
(10:20):
We've got self-discovery.
I then move to point two, whichis events and meetups, and I'll
explain why that's so important.
Number three is the corridor orcoffee conversations.
Right, the conversations happenat those or in those meetups
and spaces where you get toconnect with people more on a
deeper level.
And then we've got, finally,the mateship.
Through those coffeeconversations and those corridor
(10:42):
conversations, you'll recognizesome people that you really
want to continue establishing arelationship with, and you can
see the arrow down the sidethere.
It says more at the top andgoes to less, because when
you're in the self-discoveryphase, you're probably going to
be meeting a lot more people andas you go down to mateship,
there's going to be fewer.
I'm always talking about in forthree to five great mates, and
(11:04):
I'll dive into that in a moment.
So self-discovery is the firstpoint In order to find the
authentic version of yourself.
What do you want, what do youvalue, what do you believe, what
are your desires are some keyquestions that you can start
with Now.
The journey of self-discoveryis personal, so you're going to
have different responses tothose questions to other people
in your life.
A simple starting point for youis embracing new experiences.
(11:28):
If you don't know where tostart, just say yes to different
experiences and reflect on theimpact of those and rinse and
repeat and you're going to getmore feedback around.
Oh, I love that.
I don't want to do more of that.
Let's go to point two, theevents and experiences piece.
We all need a reason to show upsomewhere.
So when there is an event or ameetup or a concert with someone
(11:48):
that you or something thatyou're interested in, you
already have reason to be there,and the cool thing about that
is other people who are going tothis have reason to be there as
well, and it's generally acommon interest.
You've already ticked thatfirst, I guess, point of rapport
, because you have commonality.
That's why you'll always findlike-minded people at events.
(12:09):
Once you meet the people, Iguarantee you quite often you're
going to want to have more timewith those people.
I know, as someone who rechargesI guess, by myself I find it
very hard to be outgoing inevents.
However, in 2014, where Iwanted to continue developing
and building on my network andmy friendship circles, I just
made the effort to meet one tothree new people at every
(12:32):
function that I went to.
So that meant the next stepfrom these events was really
important the corridorconversations, but I just want
to touch on as well.
The key was for me thatdiscovering more about yourself
happens by meeting new people,having new experiences and being
introduced to new ideas.
Right, that is how you discovermore about yourself and you may
be in a position where you areconfident you know more about
(12:54):
what you want, so you can createevents.
You can host meetups, and thatmight be I'll go through this in
a minute a really powerful wayto utilize it getting the right
people together quickly.
But if you're not, you don'treally understand what you're
interested in or where youbelong.
You can just start attendingother people's meetups, events
or barbecues, whatever it may be.
I'm not going to dive too muchinto this episode, but if you do
(13:19):
have questions, comment thembelow.
But I did a tweet and it wentquite well, bringing people
together and creating a sense ofbelonging.
You can be the person to makeit happen.
Here is how Number one, knowyour community.
So, as I said, the values,beliefs, standards and goals.
Number two, create a meetup.
And three, allow time toconnect to those meetups because
we know people want it.
(13:39):
It's a belonging and we knowpeople want to find that the
cool thing.
As I mentioned at the beginningas well, this isn't just limited
to your personal life.
I did it in my professionallife.
When I came back from France, Ihad worked in, I guess before I
became a coach as well.
I worked in construction, insales, in marketing.
I was Brisbane's best Uberdriver at Proclam by myself.
(14:00):
I did avocado picking, farming.
They were all things thattaught me and directed me to
where I am now because I wasable to go.
I love this about this industry, I don't like this about this
industry, and I also knew moreof around the direction.
So, as a result, I got to putmyself in more environments
where there were people who hadsimilar ideas of what they
(14:21):
wanted for their life.
Point three so connection.
Don't be too busy to connectwith people.
If you want a sense ofbelonging, you need to be part
of a bigger community, and thatmeans you must invest time.
People who don't have friendsdon't invest time in their
social life, and if that's notimportant to you, that's okay.
But a lot of people want thesense of belonging, which means
(14:42):
you must learn to say no inother areas of your life so that
you can prioritize investing inrelationships and investing in
being part of a community.
Once again, the reason whyself-discovery is at the very
top of this is, if you're timepoor, which most people are, the
greater understanding you haveabout who you are, what you want
and the community that you'relooking for, you can go straight
(15:03):
there.
You can beeline it there.
But if not, you're going tohave to sort of play around and
find out where you really fit inand what you enjoy and what
values you share.
So, once again, thatself-discovery course can save
you a lot of time.
So most people do get stuck atthat first point because they
don't know what they want, whothey are.
They just hold themselves backbecause they don't want to
(15:25):
embarrass themselves, they don'twant to be in an uncomfortable
situation.
Just think the more you canembrace those situations, the
quicker you are going to getfeedback, I guarantee you.
Right, this is a littlechallenge, but if you committed
30 days to doing something newevery day, or meeting one new
person every day, you wouldprobably know more about
yourself, who you are and whatyou want than the average person
(15:46):
.
So that could be a good placefor you to start Now, if you're
following along, it's not thathard to stand out in the
friendship world if you justfollow these steps right,
because a lot of people aresitting at home, sitting behind
screens, hoping to buildrelationships, hoping to find
their tribe.
It's not going to work like that.
Now let's move to the fourthand final your tribe, your
mateship.
So once we've had those coffeeconversations, those corridor
(16:09):
conversations, as I mentioned,there will be people that stand
out to you that you go.
I want to invest more in thoserelationships.
Grab their contact details,whether it's their Instagram
account, their mobile, theiremail, and find a way to
continue building and addingvalue to that relationship.
You might be grabbing a coffee,you might go for a run, you may
do a workout, whatever you'reinterested in, whatever the vibe
(16:30):
of that community is, do moreof that and build on that and,
through time and through energyand obviously if it's reciprocal
, you're going to build somereally quality friends.
An example for me is two of mybest friends are actually part
of our Strongman of ValueAcademy and they first came to
one of my workshops around 2019,2020.
So they were seeking my help tohave a breakthrough Off the
(16:52):
back of that.
Because we had similar values,similar beliefs, we became great
mates, similar interests andit's just built that
relationship and they're in mytop five Facebook, myspace
friends, but they are in the topfive people that I consider
dear friends.
So I think it's important tothink about it like that.
Come through any opportunity,be okay with the fact that as
(17:13):
you go through these steps, thepeople around you or people
associated there will decline.
You don't need a quantity offriends, you just need the
quality.
That's what we want for thatsense of belonging, because it's
depth over width.
It's like casting that fishingnet.
Remember that you'll cast.
You may pull in some bottles,some plastic or whatever, but
you're just looking for thatnice bit of snapper as you pull
(17:34):
that in, you grab that out.
Look to really build on that.
So, just to wrap this one up,if you got value from this, make
sure one you've subscribed tothe newsletter and if you do
want to have help withdiscovering more about yourself,
jump on the three-hourself-discovery course.
It is game-changing.
I've put everything into itworksheets, interactive stuff so
(17:55):
you can walk away from itknowing more about yourself in
the next three hours than youdid previously.
And, once again, it'sself-paced.
You can work through it inpockets of time, but I would
highly recommend doing that.
Share this with someone thatyou know will get value from
this.
My name is Lachlan Stewart,thank you.
Find your tribe.
It's not too late.
Without a sense of belonging,individuals and communities
suffer.
With it, they thrive.
I'm super excited about thisweek's newsletter and episode
that I'm talking to you about,because it's something that I
struggled with for a very longtime.
I know a lot of people that Iwork with struggle with it and I
(00:20):
can almost guarantee a lot ofyou that are listening to this
or reading this are sufferingand struggling with it as well.
What I've thought about, andI've looked into a lot, is more
about building communities, andcommunities can't be established
without individuals likeyourself and myself coming
together with a common goal andvalues and belief systems in
(00:43):
order to really gel and moveforward.
As a result of you feeling likeyou have a place in that
community, or myself, we thenexperience that sense of
belonging that all of us craveand all of us desire.
What I do want to mentionbefore you continue listening
over on the newsletter, whichyou can find on my website,
(01:04):
there's a number of diagramsthat I find really helpful to
help you understand this more.
If you're very much like myself, where you love seeing imagery
on how things work, and I'vespent a fair bit of time really
breaking this down, thinkingabout the most simple way that I
would have enjoyed consuming ita number of years ago and still
the most simple way and waythat I enjoy consuming it today.
(01:27):
So I really appreciate you guysbeing here.
Think about it like this thereare events that you go to.
There are people that you speakwith that you just feel like
the time has flown and you wantit to continue.
Then there are events that youattend meetups that you go to,
people that you speak to, whereyou're like I never want to see
(01:47):
that person again, I never wantto experience that again, and
they are all completely okay.
What a lot of people don'ttruly do is reflect on the
impact of those experiences,because if you were doing that,
you would probably be muchcloser to being in the
environment where you experiencethat sense of belonging because
you've gone.
Oh, I need more of that in mylife.
(02:07):
Therefore, let's schedule timeto do that, or schedule time to
invest in that relationship.
I hope that's making sense.
The sense of belonging that alot of us are chasing is you
want to feel valued, you want tohave common interests, you want
to have purpose within thatenvironment, meaning you're not
just showing up and sitting inthe corner and you feel like you
can be your authentic self.
(02:28):
You know, there was a stat thatI read this week that three in
four Americans and Australia isa little bit less don't feel a
sense of belonging in at leastone area of their life.
And the cool thing about thatis that if you feel a sense of
belonging at least one area ofyour life, you just need to
reflect on why is that?
And develop a framework, and Ithink the one that I'll give you
throughout this episode will beextremely helpful, because you
(02:50):
can then go okay, well, if thisis the framework that works in
this area, let's say,professionally, have found your
sense of belonging, you've foundyour tribe.
Then, if you've found thatthere, you need to just break
that down and then go okay,let's duplicate that in my
personal life and I guaranteeyou you'll move much closer to
where you want to be.
Firstly, why should we care, andwhy should you care, that there
(03:11):
are a lot of people sufferingin silence?
You may be one of them orsomeone that you know, but I
just gave it away and I justrealized that is, we should care
that people don't have a senseof belonging because they are
suffering in silence.
I've been there.
I know a number of my clients,as I've mentioned, and a number
of you guys are suffering insilence, and it doesn't need to
(03:32):
be that way.
So what I'm going to share withyou isn't a quick fix.
It has been an ongoing journeyfor myself and something that
took probably 18 months before Ireally grasped it, because I
had a lot of work to do onmyself before I could really fit
into the environments and themeetups that I wanted to, and
that's why self-discovery issuch an important part.
I've built a course that youguys can check out on the
website, which will help you, injust three hours, get really
(03:55):
clear on that and build aroadmap to start discovering
more about who you are and whatyou want, because when you're in
a position where you reallyhave an idea of who you are in
this moment, it will evolve andwhat you want.
You can then start seeking outexperiences and meetups that are
more aligned with that, becausethat's going to help you get
around those like-minded peopleand experiences that are going
(04:17):
to give you that huge sense ofbelonging.
So think about that, but youmust accept you are responsible
for doing this.
No one else can do it for you.
As much as it pains me to saythat, because I know some of you
are in pain, you have to stepup and you have to really ask
more of yourself in this momentto get yourself on the other
side, where life is great.
I've walked that path.
(04:38):
I understand how hard it can beto dig yourself and if you
don't have a good supportnetwork around, it's probably
going to be that little bitharder.
But if you're listening to this, you're already doing more than
most people.
You just need to put intopractice what you're listening
to right now.
So back to 2013, almost 11 yearsago now, I wasn't living
(04:58):
authentically, and to me, livingauthentically means living by
my own values, my own beliefsand my own goals.
At the time, I recognize asmuch as, on the outside looking
in, I was living a great life.
I'd been playing rugby inFrance, I had good relationships
, some cool friends.
I still never felt like I wastruly being myself.
(05:19):
I wasn't living authenticallyand, as a result of that, I
wasn't experiencing thefulfillment that I thought I
should be with the success thatI achieved, or sustained at that
.
So for a long time, I feltconfused.
I was feeling lost and I waslike I thought this was success.
I thought this was supposed tomake me feel fulfilled and I
would feel like I really belongto something or being a part of
(05:41):
something.
But because I had adopted otherpeople's beliefs, other
people's values and otherpeople's goals of what a good
life should look like, I didn'tfeel like I belong because it
wasn't congruently what I wanted.
And if you're experiencing that, that is okay.
But coming back to, you need totake responsibility for that.
You really need to start doingthis self-discovery work to get
(06:03):
back on path with this, becauseit's never too late.
It honestly isn't.
I do believe, and I'll becompletely honest, when I first
experienced, I guess, wanting tofit in and I believe everyone
wants to fit in that's thatwhole sense of belonging.
But unfortunately, we sacrificeour own values, beliefs,
standards or goals in order tofit into crowds that maybe we
(06:26):
don't or wouldn't fit into hadwe known more about where we
want to be in life.
And I did that, and this isnothing against any of the
communities that I was part of.
They were all stepping stones,but what happened as a result of
that was that I sacrificed somuch of my opportunity to
discover more about who I was.
Now I remember when I was 13,and this is probably one of the
(06:47):
earliest memories of reallytrying to fit in I went to a
rugby school on a scholarshipfor running right, but as
someone who loves skateboardingand loved running, I was quite
skinny.
And I went to this rugby schooland I stood out for my own
reasons, because I was winningstate titles, et cetera, and so
I started getting picked on, andI didn't like getting picked on
no way.
(07:07):
So what I decided to do was, Ithought, if I become a rugby
player, I'll be, I guess,accepted by the people who are
picking.
So I stopped and I guess Ichanged my goals.
I shifted what I valued inorder to fit in, and I did fit
in.
I didn't stand out and fittinginto the wrong crowd and I won't
say wrong crowd because I lovethe great mates but I guess,
(07:28):
from what I was trying toachieve standpoint, I didn't
feel like I was beingauthentically myself.
I'd sacrificed part of who Iwas, and that is not a fun place
to live.
The power of wanting to fit inreally pulled me away from where
I was truly supposed to be, andit wasn't until I was older
that I recognized I want to puta disclaimer here being so young
(07:48):
and not really having the toolsor the education to understand
how important it is to discoverwho you are.
I needed that.
I didn't want to get picked on,I didn't want to stand out in a
world where, like this wholevideo, I wanted to belong, I
wanted to find out, and so Iwouldn't change that.
And for the younger peoplelistening, this framework will
be more powerful for you thanever.
(08:10):
And I do believe social mediais an incredible tool for people
trying to find their tribe,because you can find such niche
or unique communities that youdidn't have access to
pre-internet.
So I guess, to circle it backto that experience, I was thrown
into the unknown zone, or thediscomfort, in a whole new
environment.
And when you're in a newenvironment you will feel
(08:31):
imposter syndrome, especially ifyou're good at something.
You will feel overwhelmed andyou will doubt yourself.
That's all part of it.
And in those moments, with theright perspective, you can grow.
And the upsides of that is youget to build resilience, you get
new opportunities, you getpersonal growth.
But a lot of people want tostay in that comfort zone.
They want to stay shelteredwhere they are because it's like
I just want to fit in, I justwant that belonging.
(08:53):
But the consequences ofbelonging to the wrong group are
dire and I'm sure you'veexperienced it.
I've experienced it right nogrowth, no purpose, no true
value.
And I want to help you guyschange.
If you really want that senseof belonging, you've got to
accept you will grow because, inorder to put yourself out there
to find that sense of belonging, you're going to be meeting new
(09:13):
people.
That is growth, right.
New conversations, newperspectives, new ideas, new
opportunities, okay.
And you will be in newenvironments Once again, going
to a place which maybe youhaven't been in before.
That is daunting.
That is going to bring youthose, I guess, negative
feelings.
But if you can accept that, orif you can understand that those
negative feelings come with theunknown zone how do I best
(09:36):
prepare for that?
You will get comfortable inthat process, which is a key
part of building betterconnection and finding your
tribe, finding your network.
So let's dive in.
The framework that I'm going togo through right now will bring
you back to your most authenticself.
Remember, it's not a quick fix.
It will take time and it willevolve, because as you learn
things, as you experience newthings and you're in new
(09:58):
environments, your mindset willshift, your beliefs will shift,
and that should continue tohappen throughout life, because
who you are right now, or whatbrought you to this point, isn't
a version of yourself.
That's going to bring you towhere you want to get to, and
it's going to be that rinse andrepeat cycle.
So, even if you feel extremelylost, this will work for you.
So where do you belong?
We've got the diagram there.
(10:20):
We've got self-discovery.
I then move to point two, whichis events and meetups, and I'll
explain why that's so important.
Number three is the corridor orcoffee conversations.
Right, the conversations happenat those or in those meetups
and spaces where you get toconnect with people more on a
deeper level.
And then we've got, finally,the mateship.
Through those coffeeconversations and those corridor
(10:42):
conversations, you'll recognizesome people that you really
want to continue establishing arelationship with, and you can
see the arrow down the sidethere.
It says more at the top andgoes to less, because when
you're in the self-discoveryphase, you're probably going to
be meeting a lot more people andas you go down to mateship,
there's going to be fewer.
I'm always talking about in forthree to five great mates, and
(11:04):
I'll dive into that in a moment.
So self-discovery is the firstpoint In order to find the
authentic version of yourself.
What do you want, what do youvalue, what do you believe, what
are your desires are some keyquestions that you can start
with Now.
The journey of self-discoveryis personal, so you're going to
have different responses tothose questions to other people
in your life.
A simple starting point for youis embracing new experiences.
(11:28):
If you don't know where tostart, just say yes to different
experiences and reflect on theimpact of those and rinse and
repeat and you're going to getmore feedback around.
Oh, I love that.
I don't want to do more of that.
Let's go to point two, theevents and experiences piece.
We all need a reason to show upsomewhere.
So when there is an event or ameetup or a concert with someone
(11:48):
that you or something thatyou're interested in, you
already have reason to be there,and the cool thing about that
is other people who are going tothis have reason to be there as
well, and it's generally acommon interest.
You've already ticked thatfirst, I guess, point of rapport
, because you have commonality.
That's why you'll always findlike-minded people at events.
(12:09):
Once you meet the people, Iguarantee you quite often you're
going to want to have more timewith those people.
I know, as someone who rechargesI guess, by myself I find it
very hard to be outgoing inevents.
However, in 2014, where Iwanted to continue developing
and building on my network andmy friendship circles, I just
made the effort to meet one tothree new people at every
(12:32):
function that I went to.
So that meant the next stepfrom these events was really
important the corridorconversations, but I just want
to touch on as well.
The key was for me thatdiscovering more about yourself
happens by meeting new people,having new experiences and being
introduced to new ideas.
Right, that is how you discovermore about yourself and you may
be in a position where you areconfident you know more about
(12:54):
what you want, so you can createevents.
You can host meetups, and thatmight be I'll go through this in
a minute a really powerful wayto utilize it getting the right
people together quickly.
But if you're not, you don'treally understand what you're
interested in or where youbelong.
You can just start attendingother people's meetups, events
or barbecues, whatever it may be.
I'm not going to dive too muchinto this episode, but if you do
(13:19):
have questions, comment thembelow.
But I did a tweet and it wentquite well, bringing people
together and creating a sense ofbelonging.
You can be the person to makeit happen.
Here is how Number one, knowyour community.
So, as I said, the values,beliefs, standards and goals.
Number two, create a meetup.
And three, allow time toconnect to those meetups because
we know people want it.
(13:39):
It's a belonging and we knowpeople want to find that the
cool thing.
As I mentioned at the beginningas well, this isn't just limited
to your personal life.
I did it in my professionallife.
When I came back from France, Ihad worked in, I guess before I
became a coach as well.
I worked in construction, insales, in marketing.
I was Brisbane's best Uberdriver at Proclam by myself.
(14:00):
I did avocado picking, farming.
They were all things thattaught me and directed me to
where I am now because I wasable to go.
I love this about this industry, I don't like this about this
industry, and I also knew moreof around the direction.
So, as a result, I got to putmyself in more environments
where there were people who hadsimilar ideas of what they
(14:21):
wanted for their life.
Point three so connection.
Don't be too busy to connectwith people.
If you want a sense ofbelonging, you need to be part
of a bigger community, and thatmeans you must invest time.
People who don't have friendsdon't invest time in their
social life, and if that's notimportant to you, that's okay.
But a lot of people want thesense of belonging, which means
(14:42):
you must learn to say no inother areas of your life so that
you can prioritize investing inrelationships and investing in
being part of a community.
Once again, the reason whyself-discovery is at the very
top of this is, if you're timepoor, which most people are, the
greater understanding you haveabout who you are, what you want
and the community that you'relooking for, you can go straight
(15:03):
there.
You can beeline it there.
But if not, you're going tohave to sort of play around and
find out where you really fit inand what you enjoy and what
values you share.
So, once again, thatself-discovery course can save
you a lot of time.
So most people do get stuck atthat first point because they
don't know what they want, whothey are.
They just hold themselves backbecause they don't want to
(15:25):
embarrass themselves, they don'twant to be in an uncomfortable
situation.
Just think the more you canembrace those situations, the
quicker you are going to getfeedback, I guarantee you.
Right, this is a littlechallenge, but if you committed
30 days to doing something newevery day, or meeting one new
person every day, you wouldprobably know more about
yourself, who you are and whatyou want than the average person
(15:46):
.
So that could be a good placefor you to start Now, if you're
following along, it's not thathard to stand out in the
friendship world if you justfollow these steps right,
because a lot of people aresitting at home, sitting behind
screens, hoping to buildrelationships, hoping to find
their tribe.
It's not going to work like that.
Now let's move to the fourthand final your tribe, your
mateship.
So once we've had those coffeeconversations, those corridor
(16:09):
conversations, as I mentioned,there will be people that stand
out to you that you go.
I want to invest more in thoserelationships.
Grab their contact details,whether it's their Instagram
account, their mobile, theiremail, and find a way to
continue building and addingvalue to that relationship.
You might be grabbing a coffee,you might go for a run, you may
do a workout, whatever you'reinterested in, whatever the vibe
(16:30):
of that community is, do moreof that and build on that and,
through time and through energyand obviously if it's reciprocal
, you're going to build somereally quality friends.
An example for me is two of mybest friends are actually part
of our Strongman of ValueAcademy and they first came to
one of my workshops around 2019,2020.
So they were seeking my help tohave a breakthrough Off the
(16:52):
back of that.
Because we had similar values,similar beliefs, we became great
mates, similar interests andit's just built that
relationship and they're in mytop five Facebook, myspace
friends, but they are in the topfive people that I consider
dear friends.
So I think it's important tothink about it like that.
Come through any opportunity,be okay with the fact that as
(17:13):
you go through these steps, thepeople around you or people
associated there will decline.
You don't need a quantity offriends, you just need the
quality.
That's what we want for thatsense of belonging, because it's
depth over width.
It's like casting that fishingnet.
Remember that you'll cast.
You may pull in some bottles,some plastic or whatever, but
you're just looking for thatnice bit of snapper as you pull
(17:34):
that in, you grab that out.
Look to really build on that.
So, just to wrap this one up,if you got value from this, make
sure one you've subscribed tothe newsletter and if you do
want to have help withdiscovering more about yourself,
jump on the three-hourself-discovery course.
It is game-changing.
I've put everything into itworksheets, interactive stuff so
(17:55):
you can walk away from itknowing more about yourself in
the next three hours than youdid previously.
And, once again, it'sself-paced.
You can work through it inpockets of time, but I would
highly recommend doing that.
Share this with someone thatyou know will get value from
this.
My name is Lachlan Stewart,thank you.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Nikki Glaser Podcast
Every week comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced, and brutally honest look into current pop-culture and her own personal life.