May 16, 2024 • 21 mins
Shoot me a text! I’d love to hear what you think 😀
More Mojo: https://linktr.ee/moststephinately
Daily Mojo: https://www.instagram.com/most_stephinately/
M'Website: https://moststephinately.godaddysites.com/
Welcome to an empowering episode where you'll uncover the secret to keeping your sparkle even when the world seems to demand every ounce of your shine. I'm Steph, your mojo maven, and today we chant the mantra "My relationships bring out the best in me" as a beacon guiding us through the intricate dance of human connections. Ready to navigate the journey of staying true to your vibrant self while fostering fulfilling relationships? We'll unpack the people-pleaser's conundrum, showing you how to contribute to harmonious dynamics without compromising your genuine spirit.
This episode also wraps you in the wisdom of crafting a 'bubble' of personal space—one that shields you from negativity and bathes you in positivity. As your hostess, I'll walk you through the liberating power of 'no,' revealing how this simple syllable can balance the scales of give-and-take in your relationships. We're not just talking boundaries; we're talking about the art of self-care that allows you to recharge and glow even brighter. Join me in redefining what it means to care for yourself guilt-free and learn how to emerge with relationships that celebrate and elevate the true you.
Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!):
https://uppbeat.io/t/fass/move-it
License code: V3CYYEMZDDBVEZAF
More Mojo: https://linktr.ee/moststephinately
Daily Mojo: https://www.instagram.com/most_stephinately/
Mojo Website: https://moststephinately.godaddysites.com/
Music from #Uppbeat
https://uppbeat.io/t/mountaineer/run-away
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Welcome to your new favorite podcast, pocket Full of
Mojo, where you're, you and I'm, steph, and we tune in here to
tap into some mojo.
You see, I think I've crackedthe code to being happy.
I'm happy every single day, nojokes.
Now look, I wasn't always thisway.
(00:32):
Trust and believe.
I've had breakdowns on multiplecontinents.
Not to brag or anything, but bypaying attention and living
with more intention, I'vecreated a wellness first aid kit
full of amazing tools that helpme out of and avoid getting
into life's more sticky andstressful situations.
(00:52):
And I'm not here to gatekeep,so settle in.
We're here for some positivechange.
So let's explore where yourmojo meets the road, mojo meets
the road.
In today's episode, I'm goingto review our mantra for the
week and then we're going to diginto today's main topic, and
that is harmony in yourrelationships.
(01:15):
I know you've got a levandybajillion podcasts to choose
from, so I am super stoked withgratitude that you're here.
So stick around around and I'mgoing to make sure that you're
glad you did.
Let's get started with today'smantra and get tuned in, tapped
in and turned on.
Hello, gorgeous.
(01:39):
Welcome to the 17th episode ofPocketful of Mojo.
Once again, I'm Steph.
Thanks for being here.
I'm going to be your hostessand your mojo, maven, I'm just
super jazzed that you're here.
This is going to be a veryhelpful episode, so let's get
right to it.
Let's start by digging intotoday's mantra, and that is my
(02:00):
relationships, bring out thebest in me.
Ooh, this one's magic, let'sunpack my relationships, bring
out the best in me.
This mantra is fire.
It's your flag in the groundthat establishes what
relationships you want in yourlife and leaves no room for
(02:21):
relationships that no longerserve you.
My relationships bring out thebest in me, do they, though?
See, this one can sting if wehave people in our camp that
maybe do more taking than giving, that make us feel insecure, or
less than that pull on youinstead of lifting you up.
(02:42):
This mantra allows us to reallyobserve our relationships and
call out the ones that may takemore than they give.
My relationships, bring out thebest in me.
Allow yourself to shine, myfriend.
You are more than what you dofor other people.
You are inherently worthy anddeserving of having people in
(03:06):
your life that highlight yourtalents, appreciate who you are
and let you be you.
Setting this bar for yourselfand holding this mantra close
ensures that not only are youactively choosing what company
you keep, but you're creating anenvironment where you can
continually be at your best, notjust the three times a year
that you meet your favoriteperson for lunch.
(03:27):
This allows you to prioritizethe healthy relationships and
squeeze out the relationshipsthat drain you or leave you
feeling less than stellar.
Ain't nobody got time for that?
My relationships bring out thebest in me.
When your relationships arehealthy and based on respect and
acceptance, you're elevatingyour own status in your head and
(03:50):
creating a boundary that allowsyou to observe the people you
have in your life, not withjudgment, but with terms for
yourself that allow you toprotect all that is good about
you.
It shows people how to show upin your life and that they are
either up for it or have somemore of their own work to do,
and that's okay.
But it's important to know thatthat's not your work to do.
(04:13):
You've got your own self-lovejourney that you're on, and
maybe you're just being a greatexample to others, but that's up
to them to step up, because myrelationships bring out the best
in me.
So, my fellow lovely humans,let's crack open today's topic,
(04:34):
which is Navigating Harmony, thePeople Pleaser's Guide to
Healthy Relationships.
So today let's talk aboutsomething near and dear to our
hearts harmony in relationships.
In my friend circle back inFrance, I found out that my
tribe referred to me as theequalizer, someone who's always
(04:55):
able to show up and calibratethe room's energy and add a
touch of harmony.
And this sounds great on thesurface, right right, like ooh,
what a compliment.
But on closer inspection andafter some deep personal
reflection, I figured out that Iwasn't really giving myself the
chance to be myself.
I was meeting people where theywere at, which is a kindness to
(05:19):
others, but at the cost of myown authenticity.
And as folks who thrive onkeeping the peace and ensuring
everyone around us is happy,creating and maintaining harmony
seems like second nature, right?
So how can we strike thatbalance?
Let's have a closer look anddive a little deeper.
You see, while our intentionsare noble, there are some tricky
(05:42):
traps that we can fall intowhen we prioritize harmony above
all else.
So grab a cup of tea, cozy upand let's explore how we can
honor ourselves while stillfostering beautiful and balanced
relationships.
Because, oh the pitfalls.
Where do we even begin?
As people pleasers, we oftenfind ourselves in a bit of a
(06:05):
bind.
We say yes when we really meanno.
We bend over backwards toaccommodate other people, and
then we put our own needs on theback burner, Any of this
sounding familiar.
One of the things that weforget to pay attention to is
what our own needs actually are,because up until now, our needs
have been defined by what we'reable to offer other people, and
(06:28):
that's just based on what theyneed.
So we'll just be over here,waiting quietly until you tell
us how to show up.
Okay, no, ma'am, no more.
There is a better way, andthat's just what we're here to
find out.
Because here's the thing Whileit's admirable to want to keep
the peace and make everyonehappy, constantly prioritizing
(06:50):
other people over ourselvesthat's just going to breed some
resentment, create some burnoutand, ultimately, a breakdown in
the relationship the actualopposite of what we're trying to
do in the moment.
Right, think about it like thisIf you're constantly giving and
never receiving, the scalesquickly become imbalanced, and
(07:10):
that's not good for anyoneinvolved.
So let's talk about you.
That's right, the maincharacter in the story, the hero
of your life.
You are the main attraction.
Now let's put a spin on how wedo life.
Let's talk about the importanceof honoring that main character
as people pleasers.
This might feel like a foreignconcept at first, but trust me,
(07:34):
it is crucial for maintaininghealthy relationships.
Honoring yourself meansrecognizing your own needs, your
own desires and your ownboundaries and giving them the
same weight and importance thatyou do for other people.
Now, for me, I had to go rightback to the beginning on this
one.
I had to start at the topbecause, after my life flipped
(07:56):
upside down, after losing my momand my marriage all in one fell
swoop, I was verydiscombobulated.
Now, looking back, I don'tthink that being in another
country really allowed me tofind the peace and the strength
that I needed, because part ofliving in another country means
there's going to be someacclimatizing, and I just think
(08:17):
I let the pendulum swing too farthe other way.
Well, and being theoverachiever that I am, I'm
really good at taking.
You see, up until a few yearsback, I'd been dodging landmines
in my relationships for so longthat I couldn't even list you
what my needs and desires evenwere.
(08:37):
I still struggle sometimes, butit was the realization of how
small I had made myself thatkicked everything into focus,
and I knew that I had to startsomewhere.
Let me give you an example.
I was in my kitchen in myapartment in Nantes and I was
taking apart my then-husband'siced tea steeper just a regular
(08:59):
old task, right and I foundmyself standing there staring at
it, wondering and thinking waytoo long about how I should
clean it.
I wanted to do it one way, butthen I knew that he wanted me to
do it some other way, and Icouldn't quite remember what
that was.
But I knew that asking wouldstart a fight and doing it my
(09:20):
way would cause an issue.
And maybe if I leave it no, no,I can't do that, because I'm
here to clean it.
And what kind of mentalgymnastics is that?
Do you see how paralyzing itcan be?
If we constantly prioritizeother people, it's a trap.
Now look, there was a long roadto getting there, to that place
(09:43):
where harmony came at the costof my own empowerment.
I didn't wake up feeling smallthat day.
It took years of concessions, oftolerance, of compromise, but
with all those costs adding up,keeping the peace not only
wasn't working for me, but hadrevealed this huge gap between
(10:05):
what I was giving others andwhat I was or wasn't, in this
case, giving myself.
So how do we do this inpractice?
Starts where everything startsAwareness.
You have to be able to sit withyourself and really see the gap
between where you are and whereyou want to be, with no
(10:25):
judgment.
It's not good or bad, it justis, and hopefully that's how you
got here.
You don't have to know howyou're getting there.
You just have to start with theawareness that you are worthy
of and want more for yourself.
Sometimes that's the hardestpart.
Then, once you start takingsmall actions to close that gap,
(10:47):
the ball starts rolling downthe hill and you start getting
some inspiring momentum.
The ball starts rolling downthe hill and you start getting
some inspiring momentum, andthat's where the juicy bits live
.
Now, the hardest part for me inreconciling these changes and
standing up for myself was whenit came to setting boundaries.
But it doesn't have to be thathard for you.
So I'm glad you're here.
For those of you who are maybenew to the boundary game or
(11:09):
think of boundaries as more ofan idea rather than an active
practice, let's dig a littledeeper.
Boundaries are like theprotective fences around your
emotional and physical space.
They are essential for keepingbalance in all of your
relationships.
It's about communicating yourneeds clearly and assertively
(11:30):
and not feeling guilty about itbecause it's your bubble.
Oh, I like that better.
Yeah, I still kind of get avisceral reaction when I hear
the word boundary.
For me it just sounds hard andheavy and rude and it really
isn't my brand.
So we're going to rebrand itright here, right now.
I'm calling it the bubble there.
That's better, but like astrong and sturdy bubble, not
(11:52):
like a regular bubble.
You with me.
It's a bubble where only goodstuff gets through.
The takers, the double talkers,the stress, the anxiety
inducing stuff is not invitedinside my bubble.
If you want a goodvisualization of a boundary,
take this great gif, the one ofShaquille O'Neal, who's just
like swatting away things likedepression, negativity, stress
(12:16):
and so on, and he does it withlike this wild and happy smile
on his face.
Nothing gets to that guy, andthat's what I think about when I
think about keeping things outof my bubble.
So this is a call to action foryou to take your awareness and
pivot into some reflection.
What's not being invited intoyour bubble, what doesn't belong
?
And there's no wrong answershere, as long as they come from
(12:38):
you.
For some it may bestrengthening the connection
between what you feel and whatcomes out of your mouth, like
when someone asks you to dosomething that you don't want to
do and yet the words absolutelyhow soon do you need that done?
Come flying out of your mouthbefore you can even think twice.
Then comes the resentment, witha smattering of guilt for not
(12:58):
standing up for yourself.
Gross, we're gonna do better.
How about the next time someoneasks you to do something you
don't want to do, you try sayingno, or even no thank you, if
you want to be polite about it.
See, setting boundaries doesn'tmake you mean or selfish.
This is a great reminder thatquestions often have more than
(13:20):
one answer.
So why do we feel the need toalways say yes?
Hmm, I'll leave that for you tochew on.
Now let's talk about keepingrelationships equitable and fair
.
Now, this doesn't mean that Ithink that relationships are
transactional.
This is not that.
This means that making surethat there's a give and take
(13:42):
dynamic where both peoplecontribute and both people feel
valued.
We all bring somethingdifferent to the party, so it's
just as important to be as goodat receiving as we are giving,
so generously as we do as peoplepleasers.
We might struggle with thisconcept because we're so used to
putting other people's needsabove our own and believing that
(14:04):
that makes us good people.
But remember, relationships area two-way street.
I've come to learn that weoften love the way that we want
to be loved, and when we don'treceive that in return, that's
where we start to feel a littleresentment coming in or, worse,
a lowered opinion of ourselves,thinking that we're not worthy
(14:26):
of more.
So how do we ensure equity inour relationships?
Well, it's about finding thatbalance between giving and
receiving.
For example, a friend asks for afavor Now, before today, you
would have said yes blindlybefore they even finished the
sentence and would already bethinking about how we could do
it in an extra special way, am Iright?
(14:47):
So for something new, try,instead of immediately saying
yes without considering your ownneeds, try the pause and
reflect method.
Run the request through a fewkey questions, such as can you
do the thing?
Do you want to do the thing?
Will it mean taking somethingoff of your list, or delaying or
(15:09):
postponing your needs to helpsomeone else?
My point is it's okay to take abeat and assess whether you
have the capacity to help and ifyou don't, drum roll, please.
It's okay to say no or evennegotiate a compromise that
works out for both of you andthat counts as a boundary bubble
(15:30):
too.
When in doubt, just say I don'tknow, let me get back to you
and then play the Rocky themefor yourself while you practice
saying no in a way that feelsgood to you.
It will take some practice ifyou're new to this, so give
yourself some grace.
Now.
Sometimes, when we initiatechange, the pendulum swings all
the way the other way.
(15:51):
We think we have to getaggressive when we say no
instead of our usual ways ofsweetly saying yes.
We now know that that's not howit has to be.
Now, as for boundaries and metime two things that can feel
like luxuries to a peoplepleaser.
Well, why is that?
Well, it's because we oftenfind ourselves at the bottom of
(16:11):
our own to-do list and give toourselves after we're done
giving to everyone else of ourown to-do list and give to
ourselves after we're donegiving to everyone else, and
it's nice, but it's far too rare, and we can't even give
ourselves our own best stuff.
We're getting what's left overafter we've given it all away.
But trust me, these two thingsthe boundaries and the me time
are 100% non-negotiables when itcomes to maintaining healthy
(16:36):
relationships.
Boundaries help protect youremotional and physical space,
while me time allows you torecharge and reconnect with
yourself.
It's a pretty simple recipethat's easy to say, harder to do
, but I've got you.
So how do we set boundaries andcarve out time for ourselves
without feeling guilty?
It starts with prioritizingyour self-care.
(16:58):
I'm not here to tell you thatthe solution to all your
problems is a bubble bath orgoing for a walk in nature,
because that's what works for me, I mean.
I highly recommend it.
But only you know whatrecharges you.
Maybe it's curling up with agood book, finally making that
recipe you've been dreaming of,or just recharging your body
with some good book, finallymaking that recipe you've been
dreaming of.
Or just recharging your bodywith some good old-fashioned
(17:18):
sleep.
Ain't no shame in the self-lovegame, babes.
Whatever grounds you, whateverfeeds your soul, whatever
recharges your batteries, dothat more often and
unapologetically.
So, when it comes to settingboundaries, remember that it's
okay to say no, or I need somespace, or I'd love to, but
(17:39):
that's when I've scheduled my metime, when you're feeling
overwhelmed or stretched toothin, and with some practice,
you won't be waiting untilyou're down and out before
setting aside some time forself-love.
But start where you are.
Start now.
Your well-being matters andyour true friends.
They're going to respect andunderstand your need for
(17:59):
self-care.
They might even be a littlejelly, and when you share your
boundaries with grace andself-love, people will not only
be impressed and admire you forit.
They'll take notes andhopefully you've inspired them
to do the same, and that's theperfect time to transition into
talking about how to responddifferently when we feel
(18:20):
ourselves slipping into the oldpeople-pleasing tendencies,
because it's all about beingmindful and intentional in our
actions.
Instead of automatically sayingyes to every request, we're
gonna take a moment and pauseand check in with ourself and
you can ask yourself does thisline up with my values and the
things that I said?
I was going to take a momentand pause and check in with
ourself and you can ask yourselfdoes this line up with my
values and the things that Isaid I was going to do?
Am I saying yes out of guilt orobligation?
(18:42):
And if the answer is no, it'sokay to politely say no or
suggest an alternative solutionthat honors both of your needs.
Remember, as much as it feelslike it as much, as this is the
story that we tell ourselves.
Here's the tea.
You're not responsible foreveryone else's happiness.
Your primary responsibility isto yourself, and making sure
(19:06):
you're number one is your numberone job.
When you see yourself that way,the shift starts to happen.
So to wrap this up, making surethere's harmony in your
relationships is a beautifulthing, but as people pleasers,
we need to be mindful of thepitfalls and the traps that can
come with prioritizing othersneeds above our own.
(19:27):
So it's the key takeaway todaythat by honoring ourselves,
maintaining boundaries andbubbles and maintaining
equitable relationships, we canhave a healthy balance that
feeds both ourselves and thepeople we love around us.
So here's to finding that sweetspot between pleasing others
(19:47):
and honoring ourselves.
It may take some practice Infact, it definitely will but
trust me, it's all worth itAfter all.
It definitely will, but trustme, it's all worth it After all,
when we prioritize our ownwell-being, we show up as our
best selves in all of ourrelationships, and that's where
the harmony lives.
(20:09):
Thank you so much for tuninginto today's episode.
Remember, self-love andself-acceptance are the
foundation for a mojo master,and I know that you have
everything that you need to livea life free of drama-rama and
have rich and amazingrelationships.
Be sure to find me on Insta andlet me know how you're coming
(20:29):
along with your harmonizing, andyou can find my handle and a
few fun links in the show notes,so make sure you check that out
.
Come back next time, wherewe're going to explore what
happens when you do and don'tget props for your hard work.
So until then, I want you tostay fabulous and just keep on
spreading those positive vibes.
Be kind out there.
(20:50):
Toodaloo kangaroo.
Welcome to your new favorite podcast, pocket Full of
Mojo, where you're, you and I'm, steph, and we tune in here to
tap into some mojo.
You see, I think I've crackedthe code to being happy.
I'm happy every single day, nojokes.
Now look, I wasn't always thisway.
(00:32):
Trust and believe.
I've had breakdowns on multiplecontinents.
Not to brag or anything, but bypaying attention and living
with more intention, I'vecreated a wellness first aid kit
full of amazing tools that helpme out of and avoid getting
into life's more sticky andstressful situations.
(00:52):
And I'm not here to gatekeep,so settle in.
We're here for some positivechange.
So let's explore where yourmojo meets the road, mojo meets
the road.
In today's episode, I'm goingto review our mantra for the
week and then we're going to diginto today's main topic, and
that is harmony in yourrelationships.
(01:15):
I know you've got a levandybajillion podcasts to choose
from, so I am super stoked withgratitude that you're here.
So stick around around and I'mgoing to make sure that you're
glad you did.
Let's get started with today'smantra and get tuned in, tapped
in and turned on.
Hello, gorgeous.
(01:39):
Welcome to the 17th episode ofPocketful of Mojo.
Once again, I'm Steph.
Thanks for being here.
I'm going to be your hostessand your mojo, maven, I'm just
super jazzed that you're here.
This is going to be a veryhelpful episode, so let's get
right to it.
Let's start by digging intotoday's mantra, and that is my
(02:00):
relationships, bring out thebest in me.
Ooh, this one's magic, let'sunpack my relationships, bring
out the best in me.
This mantra is fire.
It's your flag in the groundthat establishes what
relationships you want in yourlife and leaves no room for
(02:21):
relationships that no longerserve you.
My relationships bring out thebest in me, do they, though?
See, this one can sting if wehave people in our camp that
maybe do more taking than giving, that make us feel insecure, or
less than that pull on youinstead of lifting you up.
(02:42):
This mantra allows us to reallyobserve our relationships and
call out the ones that may takemore than they give.
My relationships, bring out thebest in me.
Allow yourself to shine, myfriend.
You are more than what you dofor other people.
You are inherently worthy anddeserving of having people in
(03:06):
your life that highlight yourtalents, appreciate who you are
and let you be you.
Setting this bar for yourselfand holding this mantra close
ensures that not only are youactively choosing what company
you keep, but you're creating anenvironment where you can
continually be at your best, notjust the three times a year
that you meet your favoriteperson for lunch.
(03:27):
This allows you to prioritizethe healthy relationships and
squeeze out the relationshipsthat drain you or leave you
feeling less than stellar.
Ain't nobody got time for that?
My relationships bring out thebest in me.
When your relationships arehealthy and based on respect and
acceptance, you're elevatingyour own status in your head and
(03:50):
creating a boundary that allowsyou to observe the people you
have in your life, not withjudgment, but with terms for
yourself that allow you toprotect all that is good about
you.
It shows people how to show upin your life and that they are
either up for it or have somemore of their own work to do,
and that's okay.
But it's important to know thatthat's not your work to do.
(04:13):
You've got your own self-lovejourney that you're on, and
maybe you're just being a greatexample to others, but that's up
to them to step up, because myrelationships bring out the best
in me.
So, my fellow lovely humans,let's crack open today's topic,
(04:34):
which is Navigating Harmony, thePeople Pleaser's Guide to
Healthy Relationships.
So today let's talk aboutsomething near and dear to our
hearts harmony in relationships.
In my friend circle back inFrance, I found out that my
tribe referred to me as theequalizer, someone who's always
(04:55):
able to show up and calibratethe room's energy and add a
touch of harmony.
And this sounds great on thesurface, right right, like ooh,
what a compliment.
But on closer inspection andafter some deep personal
reflection, I figured out that Iwasn't really giving myself the
chance to be myself.
I was meeting people where theywere at, which is a kindness to
(05:19):
others, but at the cost of myown authenticity.
And as folks who thrive onkeeping the peace and ensuring
everyone around us is happy,creating and maintaining harmony
seems like second nature, right?
So how can we strike thatbalance?
Let's have a closer look anddive a little deeper.
You see, while our intentionsare noble, there are some tricky
(05:42):
traps that we can fall intowhen we prioritize harmony above
all else.
So grab a cup of tea, cozy upand let's explore how we can
honor ourselves while stillfostering beautiful and balanced
relationships.
Because, oh the pitfalls.
Where do we even begin?
As people pleasers, we oftenfind ourselves in a bit of a
(06:05):
bind.
We say yes when we really meanno.
We bend over backwards toaccommodate other people, and
then we put our own needs on theback burner, Any of this
sounding familiar.
One of the things that weforget to pay attention to is
what our own needs actually are,because up until now, our needs
have been defined by what we'reable to offer other people, and
(06:28):
that's just based on what theyneed.
So we'll just be over here,waiting quietly until you tell
us how to show up.
Okay, no, ma'am, no more.
There is a better way, andthat's just what we're here to
find out.
Because here's the thing Whileit's admirable to want to keep
the peace and make everyonehappy, constantly prioritizing
(06:50):
other people over ourselvesthat's just going to breed some
resentment, create some burnoutand, ultimately, a breakdown in
the relationship the actualopposite of what we're trying to
do in the moment.
Right, think about it like thisIf you're constantly giving and
never receiving, the scalesquickly become imbalanced, and
(07:10):
that's not good for anyoneinvolved.
So let's talk about you.
That's right, the maincharacter in the story, the hero
of your life.
You are the main attraction.
Now let's put a spin on how wedo life.
Let's talk about the importanceof honoring that main character
as people pleasers.
This might feel like a foreignconcept at first, but trust me,
(07:34):
it is crucial for maintaininghealthy relationships.
Honoring yourself meansrecognizing your own needs, your
own desires and your ownboundaries and giving them the
same weight and importance thatyou do for other people.
Now, for me, I had to go rightback to the beginning on this
one.
I had to start at the topbecause, after my life flipped
(07:56):
upside down, after losing my momand my marriage all in one fell
swoop, I was verydiscombobulated.
Now, looking back, I don'tthink that being in another
country really allowed me tofind the peace and the strength
that I needed, because part ofliving in another country means
there's going to be someacclimatizing, and I just think
(08:17):
I let the pendulum swing too farthe other way.
Well, and being theoverachiever that I am, I'm
really good at taking.
You see, up until a few yearsback, I'd been dodging landmines
in my relationships for so longthat I couldn't even list you
what my needs and desires evenwere.
(08:37):
I still struggle sometimes, butit was the realization of how
small I had made myself thatkicked everything into focus,
and I knew that I had to startsomewhere.
Let me give you an example.
I was in my kitchen in myapartment in Nantes and I was
taking apart my then-husband'siced tea steeper just a regular
(08:59):
old task, right and I foundmyself standing there staring at
it, wondering and thinking waytoo long about how I should
clean it.
I wanted to do it one way, butthen I knew that he wanted me to
do it some other way, and Icouldn't quite remember what
that was.
But I knew that asking wouldstart a fight and doing it my
(09:20):
way would cause an issue.
And maybe if I leave it no, no,I can't do that, because I'm
here to clean it.
And what kind of mentalgymnastics is that?
Do you see how paralyzing itcan be?
If we constantly prioritizeother people, it's a trap.
Now look, there was a long roadto getting there, to that place
(09:43):
where harmony came at the costof my own empowerment.
I didn't wake up feeling smallthat day.
It took years of concessions, oftolerance, of compromise, but
with all those costs adding up,keeping the peace not only
wasn't working for me, but hadrevealed this huge gap between
(10:05):
what I was giving others andwhat I was or wasn't, in this
case, giving myself.
So how do we do this inpractice?
Starts where everything startsAwareness.
You have to be able to sit withyourself and really see the gap
between where you are and whereyou want to be, with no
(10:25):
judgment.
It's not good or bad, it justis, and hopefully that's how you
got here.
You don't have to know howyou're getting there.
You just have to start with theawareness that you are worthy
of and want more for yourself.
Sometimes that's the hardestpart.
Then, once you start takingsmall actions to close that gap,
(10:47):
the ball starts rolling downthe hill and you start getting
some inspiring momentum.
The ball starts rolling downthe hill and you start getting
some inspiring momentum, andthat's where the juicy bits live
.
Now, the hardest part for me inreconciling these changes and
standing up for myself was whenit came to setting boundaries.
But it doesn't have to be thathard for you.
So I'm glad you're here.
For those of you who are maybenew to the boundary game or
(11:09):
think of boundaries as more ofan idea rather than an active
practice, let's dig a littledeeper.
Boundaries are like theprotective fences around your
emotional and physical space.
They are essential for keepingbalance in all of your
relationships.
It's about communicating yourneeds clearly and assertively
(11:30):
and not feeling guilty about itbecause it's your bubble.
Oh, I like that better.
Yeah, I still kind of get avisceral reaction when I hear
the word boundary.
For me it just sounds hard andheavy and rude and it really
isn't my brand.
So we're going to rebrand itright here, right now.
I'm calling it the bubble there.
That's better, but like astrong and sturdy bubble, not
(11:52):
like a regular bubble.
You with me.
It's a bubble where only goodstuff gets through.
The takers, the double talkers,the stress, the anxiety
inducing stuff is not invitedinside my bubble.
If you want a goodvisualization of a boundary,
take this great gif, the one ofShaquille O'Neal, who's just
like swatting away things likedepression, negativity, stress
(12:16):
and so on, and he does it withlike this wild and happy smile
on his face.
Nothing gets to that guy, andthat's what I think about when I
think about keeping things outof my bubble.
So this is a call to action foryou to take your awareness and
pivot into some reflection.
What's not being invited intoyour bubble, what doesn't belong
?
And there's no wrong answershere, as long as they come from
(12:38):
you.
For some it may bestrengthening the connection
between what you feel and whatcomes out of your mouth, like
when someone asks you to dosomething that you don't want to
do and yet the words absolutelyhow soon do you need that done?
Come flying out of your mouthbefore you can even think twice.
Then comes the resentment, witha smattering of guilt for not
(12:58):
standing up for yourself.
Gross, we're gonna do better.
How about the next time someoneasks you to do something you
don't want to do, you try sayingno, or even no thank you, if
you want to be polite about it.
See, setting boundaries doesn'tmake you mean or selfish.
This is a great reminder thatquestions often have more than
(13:20):
one answer.
So why do we feel the need toalways say yes?
Hmm, I'll leave that for you tochew on.
Now let's talk about keepingrelationships equitable and fair
.
Now, this doesn't mean that Ithink that relationships are
transactional.
This is not that.
This means that making surethat there's a give and take
(13:42):
dynamic where both peoplecontribute and both people feel
valued.
We all bring somethingdifferent to the party, so it's
just as important to be as goodat receiving as we are giving,
so generously as we do as peoplepleasers.
We might struggle with thisconcept because we're so used to
putting other people's needsabove our own and believing that
(14:04):
that makes us good people.
But remember, relationships area two-way street.
I've come to learn that weoften love the way that we want
to be loved, and when we don'treceive that in return, that's
where we start to feel a littleresentment coming in or, worse,
a lowered opinion of ourselves,thinking that we're not worthy
(14:26):
of more.
So how do we ensure equity inour relationships?
Well, it's about finding thatbalance between giving and
receiving.
For example, a friend asks for afavor Now, before today, you
would have said yes blindlybefore they even finished the
sentence and would already bethinking about how we could do
it in an extra special way, am Iright?
(14:47):
So for something new, try,instead of immediately saying
yes without considering your ownneeds, try the pause and
reflect method.
Run the request through a fewkey questions, such as can you
do the thing?
Do you want to do the thing?
Will it mean taking somethingoff of your list, or delaying or
(15:09):
postponing your needs to helpsomeone else?
My point is it's okay to take abeat and assess whether you
have the capacity to help and ifyou don't, drum roll, please.
It's okay to say no or evennegotiate a compromise that
works out for both of you andthat counts as a boundary bubble
(15:30):
too.
When in doubt, just say I don'tknow, let me get back to you
and then play the Rocky themefor yourself while you practice
saying no in a way that feelsgood to you.
It will take some practice ifyou're new to this, so give
yourself some grace.
Now.
Sometimes, when we initiatechange, the pendulum swings all
the way the other way.
(15:51):
We think we have to getaggressive when we say no
instead of our usual ways ofsweetly saying yes.
We now know that that's not howit has to be.
Now, as for boundaries and metime two things that can feel
like luxuries to a peoplepleaser.
Well, why is that?
Well, it's because we oftenfind ourselves at the bottom of
(16:11):
our own to-do list and give toourselves after we're done
giving to everyone else of ourown to-do list and give to
ourselves after we're donegiving to everyone else, and
it's nice, but it's far too rare, and we can't even give
ourselves our own best stuff.
We're getting what's left overafter we've given it all away.
But trust me, these two thingsthe boundaries and the me time
are 100% non-negotiables when itcomes to maintaining healthy
(16:36):
relationships.
Boundaries help protect youremotional and physical space,
while me time allows you torecharge and reconnect with
yourself.
It's a pretty simple recipethat's easy to say, harder to do
, but I've got you.
So how do we set boundaries andcarve out time for ourselves
without feeling guilty?
It starts with prioritizingyour self-care.
(16:58):
I'm not here to tell you thatthe solution to all your
problems is a bubble bath orgoing for a walk in nature,
because that's what works for me, I mean.
I highly recommend it.
But only you know whatrecharges you.
Maybe it's curling up with agood book, finally making that
recipe you've been dreaming of,or just recharging your body
with some good book, finallymaking that recipe you've been
dreaming of.
Or just recharging your bodywith some good old-fashioned
(17:18):
sleep.
Ain't no shame in the self-lovegame, babes.
Whatever grounds you, whateverfeeds your soul, whatever
recharges your batteries, dothat more often and
unapologetically.
So, when it comes to settingboundaries, remember that it's
okay to say no, or I need somespace, or I'd love to, but
(17:39):
that's when I've scheduled my metime, when you're feeling
overwhelmed or stretched toothin, and with some practice,
you won't be waiting untilyou're down and out before
setting aside some time forself-love.
But start where you are.
Start now.
Your well-being matters andyour true friends.
They're going to respect andunderstand your need for
(17:59):
self-care.
They might even be a littlejelly, and when you share your
boundaries with grace andself-love, people will not only
be impressed and admire you forit.
They'll take notes andhopefully you've inspired them
to do the same, and that's theperfect time to transition into
talking about how to responddifferently when we feel
(18:20):
ourselves slipping into the oldpeople-pleasing tendencies,
because it's all about beingmindful and intentional in our
actions.
Instead of automatically sayingyes to every request, we're
gonna take a moment and pauseand check in with ourself and
you can ask yourself does thisline up with my values and the
things that I said?
I was going to take a momentand pause and check in with
ourself and you can ask yourselfdoes this line up with my
values and the things that Isaid I was going to do?
Am I saying yes out of guilt orobligation?
(18:42):
And if the answer is no, it'sokay to politely say no or
suggest an alternative solutionthat honors both of your needs.
Remember, as much as it feelslike it as much, as this is the
story that we tell ourselves.
Here's the tea.
You're not responsible foreveryone else's happiness.
Your primary responsibility isto yourself, and making sure
(19:06):
you're number one is your numberone job.
When you see yourself that way,the shift starts to happen.
So to wrap this up, making surethere's harmony in your
relationships is a beautifulthing, but as people pleasers,
we need to be mindful of thepitfalls and the traps that can
come with prioritizing othersneeds above our own.
(19:27):
So it's the key takeaway todaythat by honoring ourselves,
maintaining boundaries andbubbles and maintaining
equitable relationships, we canhave a healthy balance that
feeds both ourselves and thepeople we love around us.
So here's to finding that sweetspot between pleasing others
(19:47):
and honoring ourselves.
It may take some practice Infact, it definitely will but
trust me, it's all worth itAfter all.
It definitely will, but trustme, it's all worth it After all,
when we prioritize our ownwell-being, we show up as our
best selves in all of ourrelationships, and that's where
the harmony lives.
(20:09):
Thank you so much for tuninginto today's episode.
Remember, self-love andself-acceptance are the
foundation for a mojo master,and I know that you have
everything that you need to livea life free of drama-rama and
have rich and amazingrelationships.
Be sure to find me on Insta andlet me know how you're coming
(20:29):
along with your harmonizing, andyou can find my handle and a
few fun links in the show notes,so make sure you check that out
.
Come back next time, wherewe're going to explore what
happens when you do and don'tget props for your hard work.
So until then, I want you tostay fabulous and just keep on
spreading those positive vibes.
Be kind out there.
(20:50):
Toodaloo kangaroo.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Nikki Glaser Podcast
Every week comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced, and brutally honest look into current pop-culture and her own personal life.