Building Kids Who Can Stand on Their Own: A Recipe for Raising Today’s Youth

Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_01 (00:08):
Welcome to Real Talk with Tina and Ann.
I am Anne, and today's episodecuts straight to the heart of
what so many families aresilently struggling with.
If you're a parent askingyourself, what happened to
accountability?
And how did we get here in thisworld that we live in today,
where it is very hard to parenttoday's youth, and they are
feeling completely overwhelmedby expectations, anxiety, and a

(00:30):
lot of issues that we simply, wesimply didn't have to deal with
as a kid.
We live in a hyper-connectedworld where there are people who
have access to our kids that wehave no knowledge of.
The episode is for parents,young adults, teens, anyone who
will listen and want to join inthis conversation.
Joining us today is RandyCrawford, certified life coach,

(00:51):
TEDx speaker, and author of theupcoming Pickleball Parenting
Playbook.
She has been featured on FoxNews, MSN, and in the New York
Post, and many others.
She's not here to sugarcoat.
Randy works with teens, youngadults, and parents to bridge
the gap between intention andreality, teaching emotional
resilience, accountability, andhow to stop rescuing kids and

(01:13):
start raising them.
Today we're diving into the realreasons behind rising teen
anxiety, the pressures of socialmedia perfection, the silent
epidemic of emotionalunpreparedness, and how we can
start shifting the narrativefrom blame to action.
So let's get real.
Let's talk about how to buildemotionally strong kids in a
world that's constantly tellingthem that they're not enough,

(01:36):
and how we as parents and adultscan lead with clarity,
consistency, and compassion.
Thank you so much for what youare doing, and thank you for
being here.
I really appreciate what you aredoing because this is a very
serious issue.

SPEAKER_00 (01:50):
I'm look- I want I appreciate I love everything uh
that you just said, and I am sograteful to be on your show.
And I was just looking at myphone because it's it's really
ironic.
I did not know exactly what wewere going to talk about, but I
just did a post this morning andI wanted to read it to you.
There's a new study that cameout in She Knows, and it says a

(02:12):
recent study found that a momparenting style has a bigger
influence on their teens thantheir dads.
And then this whole study goeson to say that moms are causing
all the anxiety in their kids.
So I'm I threw up a post thismorning about it on TikTok.
And it's funny because I alreadyhave so many responses from

(02:34):
young women saying, Yep, yep,that's why I'm in therapy.
I can show you my bills.
And personally, I found thestudy fascinating and I'd love
to dive into it and see who theywere asking and who the cohort
was.
But I don't believe that momsown all the responsibility of
our kids' anxiety.
I mean, I think it's everything,certainly starting with the

(02:56):
parents and at home.
And there's also a lot of, Idon't want to say harm, but we
are, we are creating anenvironment for them by making
everything so easy so that whenthey have to go into the real
world, they cannot handle it.
And those are the kids that Ibasically work with.

SPEAKER_01 (03:13):
Gosh, that's so interesting.

SPEAKER_00 (03:15):
I remember when I had my daughter, I was the
co-founder of a public healthcare company.
I had my daughter, I was workinguntil the night before I gave
birth.
I was at work.
I literally went home that nightand started to have issues.
It was about two weeks early,went into the hospital the next
day, had my daughter, and twoweeks later, now this is my

(03:38):
choice, but two weeks later, Iwas back at work because I was
one of the co-founders, andthat's what I knew.
That's what I did, that's how Ioperate.
But it's just funny because youknow, you're you're trying to
breastfeed.
So people are bringing you yourbaby between meetings and you're
breastfeeding.
And the things that we do,right?
Like I remember looking back andI was up at four in the morning

(03:58):
working out just so I could bewith her before I left for work.
I mean, you do almost becomesuperhuman and it becomes part
of what who we are.
And so I'm I don't want to takethat away from anyone.

SPEAKER_01 (04:11):
Right.
I mean, women I think are asuperhuman.
I think that we can multitasklike no other.
Um, you know, sometimes I'vegot, and I've mentioned this
before, I've got like 37 tabsopen, you know?
I mean, that's just what we do.
Uh, and you have said that we'vecreated a generation that's
unprepared for real life.
And the world that kids aregrowing up in now is nothing

(04:36):
like when we were young.
And I'm not saying that the waythat we were raised was right,
because I was paddled in frontof the class one time.
And that wasn't okay either,really.
But there was a healthy fear.
And somewhere along the lines,we've lost that.
Kids today don't even know whatit's like to be afraid of
authority.
What are we doing wrong?
And how did we get here?

(04:57):
How do we support our kidswithout shielding them from
challenges that help them grow?

SPEAKER_00 (05:03):
Okay, well, I'm gonna, so here's where I'm gonna
bring in this is interesting.
I grew up, when I grew up, Ibasically had something called
panic disorder that nobody knewwas panic disorder.
That's how old I am.
So it didn't have a diagnosis,it did not have a name.
However, I had parents thatrefused to let me not engage in

(05:25):
activities because of my fear ofhaving these panic attacks.
So that could look as simple asgoing to an amusement park.
Now, they would not make me ridethe rides because that would
throw me into anotherstratosphere.
But I was brought along on allthese trips, whether it was
skiing or whatever we did, andI'll tell you why, because they

(05:46):
had a belief in me.
And when your parents believe inyou, that is more than half the
battle.
When we know that we have thatsupport system, it makes us
believe in ourselves.
So when you have parents todaythat constantly smooth the way
and put their kids on winningteams, they get their kids into

(06:07):
the class with the best teacher,they smooth out fights with
friends, coaches, you name it,they are robbing their kids of
the opportunity to build thatresilience.
And at the same time, they'resending this subtle message that
says, I don't believe in you.
I don't think you could get onthe team without me helping you.
I don't think you could fit inwith this friend group if I

(06:28):
wasn't buying you the highestend of everything.
So it's like we not only robthem of resilience, but we give
them the message that we don'tbelieve in them.

SPEAKER_01 (06:36):
Okay, this is really interesting because I just had a
conversation with my son.
Now he has very special needs.
So I mean, there is that.
But he just instantly thinksthat everything should just be
given to him.
Like he should just be able tobe on the best football team.
He should just be able to, and Idon't know if he thinks that I

(06:56):
should pave the way for him orwhat, but uh, he's not doing
well in school, even though thathe has a lot of com
accommodations.
And that's because he feels thatum he can just pretty much do
whatever he wants and makenoises if he doesn't want to do
the work.
And and I'm like, no, and Idon't want to bring in the card,

(07:19):
okay, your special needs, I giveyou a pass.
That's not okay.
So I'm like, if this is what youwant, then you have to work for
it.
You know, I'm not going to dothis for you.
You have to figure it out.
And I'm willing to help himfigure it out with me, but you
know, he's got to do the work.

SPEAKER_00 (07:39):
Well, that okay, so that is my entire premise right
there.
If I had one thing to tellparents, it would be just that.
I'm not saying don't help yourkids.
I'm not saying don't supportyour kids.
Right.
I'm saying stop getting in theirlife and living it for them.
Get out of their way.
So the book that I'm working onis called the Pickleball

(07:59):
Parenting Playbook.
And the reason it's calledPickleball Parenting is because
it's fascinating.
I took up pickleball a coupleyears ago, and I'm pretty
athletic.
I work out a lot, I do all thethings, and I got on the courts,
I'll never forget this.
People twice my age, they've gotthe knee braces, they're like
hunched up, they've got thewhole thing, just like you see

(08:20):
in the, you know, comedy movies.
And I get on the court and Ithink I'm just gonna smoke
everyone.
And I get out there, and peoplethat can't even move are just
crushing me.
They're literally killing me.
And I'm like, what are theydoing?
How are they doing this?
I'm in better shape.
I run, I'm faster, I can getforward, I can get back.
But here's what they were doing.

(08:41):
They realized that it'splacement over power.
And when I realized that concepton the pickleball court, right,
it's not about coming in hot andhitting everything really hard.
It's about knowing where to hitthat ball and when to hit that
ball and when to give thepartner the ball.
And all of these images kind offormed in my head over a very

(09:02):
short period because I knew Iwanted to write this book for
parents, but we've all read thebooks and they all say the same
thing.
You've got to let your kid facenatural consequences.
You've got to let your kid fail.
You've got to let your kid lose.
Because when they do, they willhave the natural consequences
and say, you know what?

(09:23):
I want to win.
I want to get better at footballor whatever, and I'm gonna work
hard to get there.
So that's why I'm writing thisbook and it's a playbook that
basically uses pickleballanalogies because everything I
learned on the courts translatesinto parenting and how we can
get out of our own way and letour kids be the one on the court
playing the game.

SPEAKER_01 (09:45):
Oh my gosh, I love that.
That's so great.
Because in order for our kids tobe strong, we have to allow them
to figure it out in order forthem to, we have to create that
space for them to do things ontheir own.
And I mean, let's give ascenario.
Say that there's a parent thatalways steps in, helps with

(10:09):
homework, excuses everything,even covers for them, maybe if
they're, you know, a littleolder and they're they mess up
at work or something.
What would you say to thatparent?
How can they break the cyclewithout damaging the
relationship that they have?

SPEAKER_00 (10:25):
Okay, so it's all about communication.
I think that communication isthe number one tool that any of
us have in this world.
It's why social media is sotoxic and has created so much
division instead of unitybecause words are so important.
And so I think as parents,here's what we do.

(10:45):
As parents, you're a parent offive, you told me.
When you listen to an issue, youlisten with one ear, but with
the other ear, and at the sametime, you're trying to figure
out how to fix it, right?
We listen to fix because we areinvested in the outcome of their
life.
We're their parent.
Naturally, we're invested in theoutcome.

(11:06):
If we were to just listen, likea coach, a coach does, a
therapist does, a mentor, afriend, we listen.
We are not invested in theoutcome.
Therefore, when you fully sitdown with your child and listen
to them, you don't interruptthem, you don't sit there with
your cell phone, you give themyour full attention and you let

(11:27):
them talk and you let them tellyou, you know what, mom, this is
what I really, really want.
And there's another side tothat.
This is what I really don'twant.
You've got kids that arephenomenal athletes, and their
parents see, like, this is aticket to start them, this is a
ticket to get you into college,this is a ticket to get into the
NFL or the MBA or the MLB.
And that kid might be reallyterrific, but they don't want

(11:50):
that life.
They're really good, but theyjust want to play, be with their
friends, and not do all theextra.
But if you don't give your kidthe time and the space to have
that conversation, theneverybody's just chasing this
dream that they see on socialmedia and nobody is happy.
So, what I would say for thatparent is rather than you would
never say to a parent, you know,listen, you're doing too much.

(12:12):
You have to step back becausewhat are they gonna do?
They're gonna step in evenharder.
You have a conversation withthem and you ask them open-ended
questions.
You ask them questions like, howis that working for you?
How does it look?
What's the best thing that couldhappen?
What's the worst thing thatcould happen?
But I, as a coach, I never tellanybody advice ever, right?
I ask them questions to get themwhere they want to go.

(12:32):
But with a parent specifically,we know this.
When you tell somebody, when youpush, they pull.
I mean, that's just humannature.
I do it too.
Like my husband always says, Ihate to be told what to do.
Don't tell me what to do.
Because if you tell me what todo, I'm gonna keep doing it.
Times 10.

SPEAKER_01 (12:48):
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm the exact same way.
And you know, I mean, if andthat can be a good thing, but
also um we have to meet our kidswhere they are.
We have to.
I mean, that is so important.
And we really do have to listen.
I think that's one of the thingsthat you're saying is that we're
putting what we want on them andwe're not really listening and

(13:12):
working together.

SPEAKER_00 (13:13):
That's exactly what we're doing.
And we want it because listen, II told someone this the other
day.
I woke up and I had this ahamoment.
Imagine if a parent thought ofthemselves as a teacher.
So, say you send your kid tomath class and the teacher gives
them tests, and the teacherknows the material, just like as
parents, we've lived the life.
We know the answers, we know thebest choices, right?

(13:36):
If you give them the niceteacher that gives them a test
but tells them the answers andthey all make A's, oh, they're
so happy and they all love thisteacher.
Or they have another teacherthat doesn't give them the
answers that teaches them thematerial, and then they take the
test, and none of them do verywell on the test.
And they hate the teacher.
She sucks.
You know, she didn't teach thematerial.
Then she teaches more materialand they slowly start to learn

(13:59):
it through the year.
Where the other classroom thathas the nice teacher never
really gets the concept.
So when they move on to the nextyear, the class that had the
nice, easy teacher, guess what?
No one can pass the classbecause no one understands the
material.
As parents, it's the same thing.
We've lived life, we havewisdom, we know how to get
there, probably quicker, faster,better, smarter.

(14:20):
But when we give our kids theanswers, we are not helping them
in the test of life.
So when they have to go livereal life, they're failing the
test.
They can't make simpledecisions, they can't figure out
what to order for lunch, theycan't figure out what classes to
take.
They just can't think forthemselves because they've never
had to.

SPEAKER_01 (14:39):
You know, I always respected the ones that were
harder on me.
Always.
I was a swimmer.

SPEAKER_00 (14:44):
And oh wow, that's a hard one.
Swimming is brutal.

SPEAKER_01 (14:48):
And and I had all kinds of, we did four hours a
day.
We did two a day workouts anddry land and you name it.
And uh, the ones that were thehardest on me, that expected the
best out of me, I believed thatthey believed in me.
And I I respected that.

SPEAKER_00 (15:08):
See, but that's not, and the irony is that's not who
we're raising today.
So today, because here's anotherconcept that we have to agree
to.
Nobody wants to beuncomfortable.
We are like allergic todiscomfort in our society.
So we don't want to beuncomfortable.
We definitely don't want ourkids to be uncomfortable.

(15:29):
So when they're uncomfortable,we're gonna make it so that they
are.
So if they had that swim coachand they decided, you know, five
in the morning is too early.
I mean, she gets in late, shedoes homework, blah, blah, blah.
I'm gonna talk to that coach andtell them, you know, this isn't
working for my daughter becauseshe has X, Y, and Z issues, and
I'll get a doctor's note.
Like people go to those extentsto smooth things for their kids.

(15:53):
And that's, you know, you're anoutlier that you liked a coach
that pushed you, that correctedyou.
We don't do that today becausewe are not comfortable with
discomfort.

SPEAKER_01 (16:04):
And I don't know why that's changed because our
generation, we were coached andtaught that way.
And then somewhere along theway, there's been a breakdown
where we've been afraid to betough on our kids.
But we were had people be toughon us all the time.
So I all the time say, How inthe world did we get here?

(16:27):
Because I don't get it.

SPEAKER_00 (16:29):
Listen, it is such a role reversal.
I cannot tell you how manyconversations that I have with
people.
But here's what becameeye-opening to me and completely
eye-opening.
When I started coaching, I thenimmediately started getting
asked to give talks.
And so I gave talks to first itwas groups of girls, and then it

(16:50):
was groups of moms.
And it was the moms that I spoketo that I found fascinating
because of the questions thatthey asked me at the end of
every single talk.
I mean, they would literallyraise their hand and give me a
hundred examples of things thathad to do with their daughter's
confidence.
How do I help my daughter buildher confidence?

(17:11):
And so I started talking to themabout things that they could be
doing.
I mean, they were takingpictures of my slides, and I was
so shocked by this because Ijust thought these are some
basic common sense.
I'm not talking about anythingcrazy.
It's some basic common sensethings that will help your
daughter with her self-esteem.
And so I really believe sostrongly that social media now

(17:34):
plays a very, very strong rolein why parenting has shifted the
way that it has, because wecan't parent the way that we
were parented.
Like, like when people say thistrain has left the station, this
has left the station.
And our kids today are growingup in such a different world
than we grew up in, that it'snot apples to apples.

(17:58):
And so we have to, like yousaid, meet them where they are.
While we would love to say, takeaway your phone.
Don't be on your phone, don't beon social media.
Of course, we can't say that.
And of course, we can't even bancellular devices because they
use them at schools, they useiPads, they use all the things.
So what we need to do is meetthem where they are and focus

(18:22):
not on the external validationand the external likes from
strangers, but the positivethings that your child or
children bring to this world andto themselves and to their
family.
And the more you get your childto focus on the positive in
themselves, they start to feelthis little bits of confidence
and they feel little wins.

(18:43):
And little wins become big wins.
And then all of a sudden theymight try something and they
might fall down, but they're notset back as far as they would be
if they didn't feel the littlewins and have that to hold on
to.
Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_01 (18:57):
Yeah, I and it is a different world.
And I don't think we're evergoing to be able to get back to
what it used to be,unfortunately.
And I miss those days.
But uh, you know, you I Iwatched or read one of your
interviews, but and this is areally heartbreaking situation
that happened, and this isreality, this is where we are

(19:20):
today.
And with the 14-year-old boy whowas sex torted and ended up
taking his own life.
And I mean, that is beyondheartbreaking.
And we might be able to try tokeep our kids as safe as we
possibly can in this world that,I mean, like you're talking
about with social media, butthere are so many people out

(19:43):
there that are stalking, lying,and manipulating our kids
without our knowledge, becauseno matter how much we try to
protect them from themselves onthis online space, you know,
they're sneaky.
So it's almost impossible for usto do that.
So I was wondering if you couldtalk about that.

SPEAKER_00 (20:02):
Well, yeah, uh one of the things I would tell you,
and if I could have done thisdifferently, with zero
hesitation, I would have donethis differently, is to take the
phones away at night.
Nobody needs the phone in theirbedroom at night.
And let me tell you, that'swhere a lot, so many problems
happen at night.
Let's just start with the mostbasic, which is sleep and lack

(20:25):
thereof.
Sleep is so important.
And I know we realize that as weget older and older, but our
kids lose hours and hours ofsleep because they are doom
scrolling through the night.
So that's like the first and tome, most important.
But now you take being on thatphone at night and they start
going down a rabbit hole,whether it has to do with a

(20:47):
health obsession that leadsinto, you know, body image
issues, whether it leads tomeeting, and I've had a client
whose daughter got herself intothis situation and the mom had
no idea.
I mean, it happens so much morethan we think.
So to me, the number one thingthat a parent, and I hate the
word should, but that a parentshould do is take that phone
away at night.

(21:08):
They do not need it in thebedroom because you were
essentially saying, I'm gonnalet a thousand strangers into
your bedroom at night.
Would you ever do that in reallife?
Of course not.
Well, you're doing it when youlet them have the phone in their
bedroom at night.

SPEAKER_01 (21:22):
That is so absolutely true.
I mean, we have no idea who'sreaching our kids.
You want them to be able to haveuse that phone as a safety, you
know, because in ways they needit as a safety, like when they
want to take phones out ofschool.
I have a mixed feeling aboutthat because I want, if my kid
is in school and there is aschool shooter, I want them to

(21:44):
be able to call me, but thatthey've taken it away from them
because that they feel that, youknow, they're using their
devices in school and we needthem to learn.
So, I mean, there's so manymixed feelings about how uh, and
I do get both sides.
And yes, they should not be intheir bedrooms at night because
we don't know who they'reinviting into their rooms at
night.

(22:05):
It's scary.
It is so scary.

SPEAKER_00 (22:07):
If you've ever watched any documentary with the
people that are the founders andthe creators of all the apps at
Meta, if you've ever watchedeven one documentary, every
single person in thatdocumentary unanimously says I
would never give my kid accessto a phone and social media
until they're at least 16 andsome 18.

(22:30):
So if they're not gonna do itand they're the ones creating
this, why in the world would we?
You're absolutely right.

SPEAKER_01 (22:36):
I don't know why.
I don't know why.
I mean, kids, I mean, I know howI was as a kid.
And if somebody gave me a phoneand, you know, really, we're
putting too much pressure on thekids.
We're putting too much on themand expecting them to handle it
as an adult, and they're notadults.

(22:56):
So we're giving them a verymature device, and we're telling
them, here, do whatever you wantwith it, basically.
But, you know, be careful.

SPEAKER_00 (23:06):
And and yeah, we're giving them the keys to the
liquor cabinet and saying, don'tdrink.
Here you go.
You know, it's funny, it'sfunny, and because I work retail
on the weekends.
I love it.
I love working with women, andthis would make you absolutely
crazy.
But women come into the storeand they're pushing their babies

(23:27):
in the stroller, and the baby isholding up the big, you know,
with blue plastic thing holdingtheir iPad.
And you've heard of iPad kids,but until you've seen them up
close and personal, you have noidea.
You're literally watching themaking of a child that has no
and will have no ability to havesocial interaction with people.

(23:49):
They'll have no ability to sithere and talk face to face.
And I say this because I'm astylist there.
I talk to people, I make themlaugh, I make them happy.
It's just fun for me.
But one of my favorite things iswhen people come into our store
and bring their dogs.
Dogs are just so I love dogs,right?
So here you have a dog in thestore and a woman with her child

(24:11):
in a stroller with the iPad, thechild doesn't even look down and
notice the dog or the puppy.
And for me, I'm like, I justlook at these women like, do you
see what you're doing?
And of course I don't say it.
And I'm not trying to be rude,judgy.
I'm trying to say you arecreating an addict.
This child is one or two, andthey are glued to a screen.

(24:34):
That is scary.
Just because they grow updigital does not mean that we
have to give them an addictionstarting at that young of an
age.
I disagree with thatwholeheartedly.
I do.

SPEAKER_01 (24:45):
And and I'm also gonna say something about this
as an autistic individual, with,you know, and and it's hard for
people with autism to socialize.
And I was made uh to socialize.
I mean, you know, and it wasreally hard, but and I still and
I do that with my kids, I putthem in all kinds of scenarios,

(25:09):
and I believe in like immersiveexperiences where they
experience everything.
And if, and if they've got theirhead down, and if we allow them
to continue to not be able toenter into every environment and
try to figure it out andsocialize with other people,
then it's only gonna get worsefrom here.

SPEAKER_00 (25:28):
I just am such a believer of IRL in real life.
And again, and I understandthere are the people that cannot
stand the people that alwaystalk about pickleball.
I get it, and I see that.
But here's what I want to sayabout another reason why I use
that analogy in this playbook.
And that is because when you go,okay, as an adult and as a

(25:50):
parent, you're constantlyshuttling your kids around from
sport to sport to sport.
And you realize that as aparent, you're not playing
sports.
I mean, I had some friends thatplayed soccer through their 40s,
and I totally admired them.
I could never do that.
That's an insane amount ofrunning, right?
So, and I don't play golf.
And um, and it's funny because Ipicked up pickleball, like I

(26:12):
work out, but that's not playinga sport and being competitive.
And there's something so amazingwhen you go to the pickleball
courts and like the playingfield is leveled because you can
play with people that are muchbetter than you.
You can play with people thatare worse than you because
you're hitting a wiffle ball.
Now, yes, you can get in withthe really competitive people,

(26:34):
but that's not the point.
The point is that you'reoutside, you're with other
people in real life.
Do you know how many lonelyyoung people we have today?
More than we want to count.
They're so lonely and they don'tknow how to make friends.
I mean, I get very frustratedwhen a mom on Facebook goes to a
Facebook group and says, youknow, my daughter's a college

(26:56):
and she has no friends and herroommates out there making all
these friends.
And, you know, what should I do?
And I want to come through thescreen and I want to shake her
and say, not what should we do?
What should she do?
You cannot make friends for yourcollege daughter, but she has to
learn that she has to putherself out there.
And so frankly, one of the bestthings I think a young person

(27:17):
can do, and when I coach, thisis what I tell them, is go get a
part-time job because apart-time job will give you such
a sense of accountability.
It puts you around other people.
You learn how to interact.
And you know what?
I'm a people person.
So I'm on the floor talking toyou.
Other girls are behind the cashregister.
I would be terrible back there.

(27:38):
But it doesn't matter.
They still have to interact withthat customer.
We have to put ourselves inenvironments that are going to
make us a little uncomfortablein real life if we want to be
able to not all just be roboticand talking to Chat GPT.

SPEAKER_01 (27:52):
Yeah, you know, when you were talking about the
college student that was sittingthere feeling lonely.
And I think that there's a hugegroup of people right now that
do, because living in COVID andisolation, it was a huge it
really affected our kids.
It affected our kids so deeplywhere uh they had to be isolated

(28:13):
or you know, without or wearmasks and they couldn't go to
school.
And I think that that created awhole nother level of anxiety
and fear.

SPEAKER_00 (28:24):
Again, I it it I believe it impacted every age.
I mean, imagine you're a babyborn and you can't even see your
mom's face and her smile becauseshe's wearing a mask.
It impacted the little kids,certainly, because you're
learning social skills down inyour pre-K, you know, through
your toddler years.
It impacted those middleschoolers that are at the stage
where they're learning how tointeract with the members of the

(28:46):
opposite sex.
It impacted the high schoolkids.
Now, the boys, one thing that Ialways found fascinating is
people talk to me about takingtheir son's video games away.
And during COVID, I said, dearGod, do not do that.
That is how they're interactingwith friends.
That that is their socialinteraction, you know.
Um but it also, it also didspawn a whole new group of um

(29:09):
things that kids started to dothat were very mean to other
kids.
I learned from clients who Iwork with about, you know, they
they really got very proficienton their social media and
learning how to kind of do meanthings on Snapchat and then
spread rumors and really hurteach other so much so that when
school was back in session, afew of the girls that I worked

(29:30):
with, they didn't even want togo back to school anymore.
And so it impacted, I believe,our entire society so
negatively.
And um, we're still feeling theeffects of that.
Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 (29:42):
Yeah, I see it with kids all the time.
And there's a lot more isolationthan there used to be, and
there's a lot more kids who wantto be isolated than they used to
be.
So, I mean, that really isscary.
And one of the other things thatour kids have to deal with that
we did not have to deal with wasschool shootings.
I think that.
There's a fear out there withour kids when they're going to

(30:04):
school and they're trying tolearn that we didn't have.
And they're having to deal withthings like with the phones, but
with school shootings and thingslike that that are
chronologically a lot harderthan they can deal with.
I mean, it's just there, it'sit's way above them.

SPEAKER_00 (30:20):
Can I tell you something?
It is so terrifying to me.
And I definitely don't want totalk politics.
However, I just want to say thatwhen Charlie Kirk was
assassinated recently, I I wasin so much shock and awe when
that happened over the fact thatwe witnessed someone getting
murdered, up close and personal.

(30:42):
And if you're on any type ofsocial media, like I am on
TikTok and Instagram, and you'rescrolling, you're not looking
for it, you're not trying to seeit, you're scrolling, and all of
a sudden you're watching thisvideo.
And I said to, I mean, I wasdysfunctional for two straight
days.
I couldn't talk to anybodybecause I kept thinking to
myself, are young people, Imean, how desensitized are they

(31:04):
going to be?
They've watched a murder in reallife.
Nothing about that is okay.
And nothing will ever be okayabout that.
It is, it's it's horrific.

SPEAKER_01 (31:16):
It is just, it's how they're being raised.
They are being trained to dolockdown drills.
And it's reality to them.
And any day when they hear anoise or a pop, you know, they
they hit the ground.
And that's just how our societyis right now.

SPEAKER_00 (31:34):
Well, you know, just an aside, my mom started um
teaching, substitute teaching afew years ago in Colorado.
Young kids, young kindergartenuh through like third, and she
would tell me stories and say,Randy, I've never seen anything
like this.
When I started a school, thefirst thing they do is they take
me through the entire shooterdrill and they make sure I know

(31:54):
it.
She said, These littlekindergartners, this one I found
horrible.
Little kindergartners are allgiven a stress ball, and they
take this thing and they justkindergartners are squeezing
this little stress ball all day.
And like one of her littlestudents went to gym or PE
class, forgot a stress ball, andhad a complete meltdown.

(32:14):
I mean, what world is that thata kindergarten?
I don't even think I knew theword stress until I graduated
college.
Like stress should not be aneveryday word.
It just shouldn't.

SPEAKER_01 (32:25):
We have a bin in our house that is huge of stress
balls and stress things forgadgets for our kids to be able
to play with.
And um, the schools providethem.
I mean, that is just where theyare.
And if and and kids can't learnif they're afraid and they're

(32:45):
going into these buildings andthey're already afraid.

SPEAKER_00 (32:48):
I I mean, I couldn't agree with you more, but so if
we were to get back to theparenting, right?
And what parents can do, I thinkon a positive note, I think
there's so much more that wecould be doing for our kids
right now.
And I'm this is not placingblame because anything I'm gonna
talk about, I am absolutelyguilty of doing myself when my
kids were in high school.

(33:10):
So, you know how everything isrelative, right?
Like we have our perception ofthings.
So if you were to ask me in highschool, I would have told you
absolutely, I am not that mom.
I don't do everything for mykids.
I would never run my kids'homework or lunch.
I wouldn't go pick up jerseymics and run it to them.
And I'm watching all these othermothers do that, right?

(33:30):
So in my mind, like I'm raisingsome resilient kids, you know.
But then you could turn aroundand be like, but Randy, you're
setting up all the appointmentsfor the driver's test or you're
doing X, Y, and Z, which if theywant it, they should be doing
it.
Do you see what I'm saying?
So, like, perception is reality.
So here I was like, no, I'mraising the most resilient kids

(33:51):
ever, but no, we do so much morethan we need to be doing for our
kids.
And it's not like you need to becalled out on it, but just when
you realize you're doing it, youtake a step back.
And you're like, you know what?
You you can be you can be doingthis, and I am here to help you.
If you run into any snafuos,I'll help you find paperwork or

(34:12):
I'll help you with your, I'llhelp you.
But you can do this, you gotthis.
That's what we can be doing forour kids, giving them
independence.

SPEAKER_01 (34:20):
Yeah.
And you know, we're not there tobe their friend.
And I think that we just want tohelp bridge that gap for them
and and try to help them, but itcan we can cross a line and end
up trying to be more of afriend, I think, at times.
How do we find that balance?
And when is the right age for usto start really stepping back?

SPEAKER_00 (34:39):
Oh gosh, I feel like at every stage of life, we could
be taking little steps back.
So, what I mean by that is whenour kids are little, right, we
should give them choices.
Like, you know, they get upevery day and we have the little
outfit laid out and they put iton and let give them a couple
choices and let them choose theoutfit.
Give them two choices for, youknow, little things, because I'm

(35:03):
telling you, we have ageneration of kids right now
that have a terrible time, verysmart, capable kids.
So let me make that clear.
They're at incredible colleges,they're smart, but they're
lacking that common sense piece,that piece that their parents
never let them do on their own.
So from a very young age, I saywe start letting our kids make

(35:24):
choices.
And as they get older, you know,for instance, different values
in different homes.
So I would never tell anyonetheir value set.
However, in our home, if youstarted a sport, you signed up,
you had to stick with it throughthe season because my value
system is you're not gonna letyour teammates down.
You're not gonna quit becauseyou don't like the coach.
That's not how I roll.

(35:45):
You're gonna figure it out.
I don't care how much you don'tlike the coach or the other kids
on the team.
However, I'm not making you signup next year.
You didn't like it, we move on.
We try a new team.
But as they get older, the wholetime we are fostering this sense
of independence.
And I think we know when we'vecrossed that line and when we

(36:05):
want it more than they want it.

SPEAKER_01 (36:07):
Well, let's say that they've reached 19 years old and
they're still on your couch.
I mean, that's a problem too,you know?
And they won't leave the houseand they're not really trying to
look for a job.
So, and the parents are, youknow, kind of allowing it.
I mean, what's going on withthis dynamic and what needs to
happen?

SPEAKER_00 (36:27):
Okay, well, and again, I'm not, I'm not going to
tell anyone how to do it.
However, if you have a19-year-old and they don't
choose to go to school,absolutely more than legitimate,
do what you want.
However, if you're gonna live inthis house, you're gonna have to
start contributing.
And here's one thing I canguarantee you every parent is
paying for their kids' cellphone, is paying, you know, is

(36:50):
not necessarily paying for theircar insurance and gas, but
they're paying for some type oftransportation.

SPEAKER_01 (36:55):
Yes.

SPEAKER_00 (36:55):
So there are things that you can actively take away
if they refuse to get apart-time job.
We can't tell them what to dobecause they're not gonna
listen.
But what we can do is build therelationship, build the trust,
not push, but have the toughconversations that say, listen,

(37:16):
in this house, if you're gonnalive here, I'm not gonna expect
you to, you know, go to collegeor maybe you want to go to
community college, but you'regonna then have to get a
part-time job or a job, you'regonna have to start contributing
to the family.
These are my expectations.
And if they flat out refuse,guess what?
They don't get the the videogames, they don't get the cell
phone.

(37:37):
You know, you have you have tostart, and you can't say it and
not do it.
If you say something, so youcan't you have to say it and do
it.
So you can't say something likeI'm kicking you out because we
all you you're not gonna kickthem out.
You gotta say what you mean andstick to it.

SPEAKER_01 (37:52):
Yeah, I mean, that's a huge one.
Yeah, I've been ab I've beenguilty of that.
So I'm not gonna lie.
We all are.
I've said, and you're nevergonna be, you know, and it's
like now you can't use wordslike that, you know, like never.
But you know, and and you and Ihave talked, and I have three
kids with autism, and one ofthem especially struggles with

(38:14):
just about everything, and he'shomeschooled, and his fears are
very real, and he shuts down andis genuinely afraid.
I mean, this is not a fakething, and I often remind myself
to back off, let him workthrough whatever he needs to,
because I know that those areimportant skills, and I had to

(38:35):
do as an autistic child myselfwith my dad who had passed away,
and my mom worked, and I was 11,and you know, I was home alone
all the time, and I just had tofigure it out.
And I really do believe thatthose situations prepare us for
life.
So, how do parents, and this islike a tricky thing because
these are two words that what isthe difference between enabling

(38:57):
and being empathetic?

SPEAKER_00 (38:59):
Enabling is when you're let's take sports because
I work with so many athletes andI know this area so well.
Let's take sports and let's takea child who is is good at their
sport and you want them to be ona certain team because you want
them to get this D1 offer,right?

(39:21):
Enabling is when theymispractice and they they're
constantly ill, so they have areason why they can't do things,
and you're always makingexcuses.
And if you think about this,Anne, we start this behavior
when our kids are young.
If you think about it, when wehave little kids, and let's just
say they go on a plate date andthey act like a little jerk.

(39:44):
And you know what we do?
We're like, oh my God, I'm sosorry.
I forgot to feed him or herbefore they came over.
They're so hungry.
But really, they're not hungry,they're just misbehaved.
You know what I mean?
Or, oh, they're so tired.
I should have given them a napbefore they came over.
We start the excuses as parentsso young that we don't even
realize we're doing it as theyget older.

(40:04):
So we have to stop with the sowhen they're older, and I'm
going back to this, to thesports example, and we have made
excuse after excuse afterexcuse, but the coach, they
don't care about the excuses.
You didn't come to practice.
Guess what?
You don't get to play in Fridaynight's game.
And all of a sudden that kidmelts down.
But yet you enable the situationby calling that coach.

(40:26):
You are furious with that.
How dare you?
My kid is the best, is the bestmidi on the team and you didn't
play him.
No, Randy, I didn't play himbecause X, Y, and Z.
By the way, this is allhypothetical.
This is not me, but I'm justsaying, so when we enable, we
are victimizing our kid.
It's the coach's fault.
They should have played you.
They know you're better thanthat kid.

(40:47):
No, no, no, that's not how itworks.
There are what is called naturalconsequences.
And if our kid wants to miss apractice, miss the practice,
deal with the consequence.

SPEAKER_01 (40:57):
Yeah, I I was a coach of over a hundred kids on
a team.
And I was the head coach, and itwas pretty difficult because you
can't make every parent happy.
You just can't, no matter whatyou do.
And so, um, and it was a apretty competitive team.
And but we had some kids who andthey felt that they, their

(41:20):
parents felt that they should bein every race or be the top
swimmer, and I didn't swim themin something that they really
felt that they should have been,and or they complained because I
worked them too much, or iftheir kid didn't do what they
needed to, and I told them to dopush-ups.
Oh, I can't believe you made mykids do push-ups, you know, that
kind of thing.

(41:40):
And then I even had some parentssay, Well, um, I I we're gonna
leave.
And I'm like, Okay, all right.
I mean, if you if this is whatyou want, you can go find
another team that fits what youwant.
But this is what this is how Irun my team.
And you know, I believe thatfailure sometimes is a key

(42:05):
ingredient in resilience andallowing our kids to feel some
of these things.
And how do we get back tonormalizing some of these
things, normalizing failure forkids, if that's even a word that
I'm allowed to use right now.

SPEAKER_00 (42:20):
No, yeah, you know, okay, I'll tell you a funny
story.
I was playing pickleball lastweek with eight women, and we
were playing on what's called aladder, meaning there's the top
court and the bottom court.
And quite frankly, Ann, thebottom court means you're on the
loser court, right?
But it was my birthday.
So it was a really funny storybecause I played in my first
match and I lost.
I was playing with really goodwomen, much better than me.

(42:41):
So I lost.
And after I lost, we all cometogether and they're like,
Randy, which court are you on?
And I said, I'm over there onthe loser court.
And they go, Randy, it's yourbirthday.
You're not a loser.
And I said, guys, do not gothere with me.
That's the court for the peoplethat just lost, and I am on the
loser court.
Now, it's like not the nicestway to say it, but the point is
we have to start praising theeffort our kids give and not

(43:03):
just the outcome.
I was proud of the game Iplayed.
I still lost the game, but I wasreally proud of what I put into
it.
So you can say the word failurebecause you can fail a test, you
can lose a game, you can lose anational championship.
But we as parents have to stoppraising the outcome.
Like, yes, you won, you crushedthem.

(43:23):
You know, it's about how didyour kid do in the game that
maybe they lost?
We must start praising theeffort and not the outcome.
It's such a big part of it.
Now, if you just watched the USOpen and you watched Arena
Sablanka win the women's finals,her speech just said it the
best.
She was talking to the girl whocame in second and she said,

(43:45):
Listen, I know how upset you areright now because I just was in
two semifinals and I lost bothof them.
This win means like more to methan anything.
And when you experience thatloss, it makes that win worth it
a million times more.
If you just went out and woneverything all the time and you

(44:07):
had no comp, I mean, that's justnot that much fun.
You must experience a loss toexperience the absolute joy of
that win.

SPEAKER_01 (44:16):
You said so much there.
I mean, that is absolutely sotrue.
Plus the fact that you thenearned it.
And so then when you earnsomething, it means so much more
to you than something just beinggiven to you.

SPEAKER_00 (44:30):
It means everything.
Because you bet your butt.
We played a bunch of games.
I won two games that day.
Both times I made it up to thatwinner court.
You know how good I felt?
And you know what?
Even on the court when I lost, Iam never gonna be somebody that
gets so down on myself if I losea game.
I'm gonna get down on myself ifI play really poorly and I'm
making mistakes that I reallyshouldn't be making.

(44:52):
And like that's me saying, okay,do better.
But if I play a great game and Ilose against great players, I
still feel like I won.
Like that's what we have to do.
Because then when I do win thenext game, my God, you think I
just won the lottery?
I'm so excited.
That's the feeling we want ourkids to have, and we cannot give
that to them.
They have to earn it, they haveto want it.

SPEAKER_01 (45:16):
This is so good because I think that we, you are
giving the recipe and what isneeded in order for us to turn
this back around to get our kidsto where we need to be.
You know, I mean, it we aregoing in the wrong direction.
There's no doubt about it.
And every single generation isgetting worse.
And I think that the only waythat we can make this better is

(45:37):
for us to have accountability,for us to be able to push our
kids in having them do things ontheir own and allowing failure
to be okay.
And I wanted to also know thedifference between
accountability, parenting withaccountability and parenting
with shame.

SPEAKER_00 (45:53):
Well, parenting with accountability is so amazing
because you're teaching yourkids not to be victims, right?
Right.
These kids are such victims.
Like it's always somebody else'sfault.
It's the teacher's fault, it'sthe coach's fault, it's your
friend's mother's fault.
It is never their fault.
And I have a brother who is thisway.

(46:15):
So I can say this with so muchconviction when you have never
been made to takeaccountability.
See, here's the other thing thathappens.
There's so much negative thatcomes out of parents solving
their kids' problems for themand fixing their kids' problems.
And on top of raising victimsand taking away grit and
accountability, you're teachingthem that because you made the

(46:39):
choice, the kid can blame it onyou.
Does that make sense?
Like they, of course, they don'ttake accountability because you
know what, mom, you're the onethat told me to take physics
with this teacher and I failed.
And and look at what happened.
So it gives them an out.
And that is so when you teachwith when you parent with
accountability, you're parentingby saying, listen, I'm gonna let

(47:01):
you decide which physics teacheryou want to take.
And then when they take saidteacher and they don't do well,
I mean, certainly I'm not gonnashame them for not doing well if
I watch them working really hardand still not doing well.
That's the whole point.
We want never to shame our kids,especially when they don't do
well at something.

(47:21):
Shame should never be part ofit.
We always want to focus on whatthey do well, and that's what we
want to talk about.
That's what we want toemphasize, because that is what
their little brains pick up on.
Like mom sees, you know, thatI'm doing X, Y, and Z, and they
feel that energy, and then theyrun with it.
However, if we shame them, likeyou're so bad at physics.

(47:45):
I mean, I don't even know whyyou thought you could take
physics.
They're now that's theirnarrative.
That's the narrative in theirhead.
They believe they can't dophysics.
Never should we do anything likethat.

SPEAKER_01 (47:56):
Yeah.
Oh, I felt that even when yousaid it, and you weren't even
saying that about me.
That's how bad shame is.
I mean, and it's something thatwe carry, and it's really hard
to shake.
Once you have it, it's in thereand it you can't get rid of it.
So we really have to be carefulwith our words.
And like you said earlier,communication is everything.

(48:16):
We have to allow it to be anopen communication, a dialogue
with our kids.
Because, and I knew somebodythat had um had a chair, and
their dad would say, you know,this is this is a chair.
And when you sit in this chair,you can tell me anything, and
there's not going to be anyconsequences, and I'm going to

(48:37):
listen and I'm not going tojudge.
So, what do you think about thatapproach?
I I think it's pretty cool.

SPEAKER_00 (48:44):
I love it.
Are you kidding me?
I I, because, okay, so back tomy pickleball analogy.
If you play pickleball, you knowthat you can't quote unquote be
in the kitchen.
It's an area of the court whereyou're too close to the net.
And so you can only be in thekitchen if the ball bounces.
So I use a play on words, and asa parent, I feel like the

(49:04):
kitchen should be like yourchair.
The kitchen should be the placein your home where your kids
know they can come and tell youanything and they are not going
to be judged.
They are not going to be shamed,certainly not shamed.
And if we were to go back to theexample of the boy that got sex
dorted, which happens all thetime, by the way, that is not a

(49:25):
one-off at all.
Right.
If that boy knew that he couldsit in the kitchen across from
his mom or his dad, either or orboth, and say, listen, this is
this is what I've done.
And because you have a lot ofparents out there, Anne, that
will say, My kid would neversend nudes.
Oh, yes, they will.
Yes, they will.

(49:46):
You cannot be a parent thatsays, My kid would never do
that.
They would never send nudes,they would never try drugs, they
would never drink and drive.
They would, kids are kids andthey push back and they're
learning boundaries and they'relearning who they are.
Of course, they will do that.
So if you're gonna have thatattitude as the parent, of
course your kid is not gonna goto them or go to you and say,

(50:08):
I've made a really bad error injudgment and I need your help.
So for me, the chair is thekitchen.
I write about it in the book.
Make your kitchen your place ofthe no-judgment zone.
They can tell you anything andyou must be quiet and you must
listen and you must processbefore you speak, before you
freak, before you say anything.

SPEAKER_01 (50:30):
I love that because I think so many times in my own
life in my past, if I would havehad the feeling that I could
talk to an adult and them notjudge me, shame me, or um make
fun of me, or, you know, remindme of it later at another time
or something like that, youknow, it's really important that
we keep that dialogue open.

(50:51):
I think another thing that'sreally going on with our kids
too is that they're soperformative.
I mean, think everything is aperformance to them.
And I really would like our kidsto be able to get out of that
and going back to authenticitywhen we have teenagers where
selfies don't matter.
You know, everything is a, oh, Igotta take this picture.
And they obsess over everysingle like and they define

(51:14):
themselves on how other peoplesee them by, oh, I got a like.

SPEAKER_00 (51:18):
First of all, now there I think you might have a
problem.
I don't, I don't, that train hasleft the station.
I don't think we're ever gonnaget to a place where, like, if
it's not on the gram, did ithappen?
You know, that's just who theyare.
That is their life.

SPEAKER_01 (51:32):
It is who they are.
It is.

SPEAKER_00 (51:34):
They're totally performative.
But what's really scary about itis this like we all wear masks.
We all do.
Whether we're like in our momrole, our volunteer role, our
coaching role, our podcast guestrole, we're all wearing a mask,
right?
And at some point we'reexhausted and we just want to
take the mask off.
But guess what?
Like, we could do that when youand I grew up.

(51:54):
We could go home from school,take the mask off, sit in our
bed, have our chocolate milk andour cookies, and like do
whatever the heck we did, right?
You can't do that today.
You cannot do that because theyget home, they get in the room,
and they don't have the freedomto just feel like, whoo, that
was like, that was a day.
Now I'm gonna chill.
They get on their phone and theystart scrolling.
And what do they see?

(52:14):
They see, well, I invited thisfriend to come over and play
with me today, but apparently,like they say on Snapchat that
this group of friends all gottogether and they didn't invite
me.
Now my feelings are so hurt, I'mlike dysfunctional, you know,
because they said no to me, butyes to this group, or a party
they didn't get invited to, or apicture that everyone's in, but
they're not tagged in.
I mean, the list goes on and onof things that could really hurt

(52:36):
them.
So they don't ever really get totake off the mask.
So when they do take off themask, sometimes it looks ugly
and they kind of take it out onus, the parents.
And I I urge parents to have somuch more grace with their kids
when their kids come home andact like little jerks because
they need somewhere to vent.

(52:57):
And if it's me, so be it.
Let it be me for a few minutes.
I'm not saying I like it tocross over into epic disrespect.
That's not okay.
But it's their way of taking offtheir mask for five minutes
because they have nowhere elseto turn.

SPEAKER_01 (53:10):
I really like this.
Now I've got this whole thing inmy head where I want to talk to
my kids and say, okay, now we'regonna take off our masks and
we're gonna have a conversationand allow us just to be who we
are.
Just be.

SPEAKER_00 (53:23):
It's and it's exhausting.
I mean, I'll do a lot of TikTok,and a while ago there was all
these things about these younggirls at Sephora.
And I remember saying to myself,okay, I thought about it right
before judging.
And if I was a young girl andthere was a Sephora, I guarantee
you I would have loved it.
I would have been in there and,you know, like checking it all
out and whatever.

(53:44):
But like you now have these10-year-old girls, literally,
I've seen this with my own eyesat Sephora.
You have 10-year-old girlswalking in there, they'll be
with their grandma, because Ialways have conversations with
people.
And the grandma will look at meand she'll kind of roll her eyes
and be like, please help me.
And the little girls will havebaskets full of all these

(54:04):
different face products, right?
Things that should never be on alittle 10-year-old face.
But the grandma, how is shesupposed to say no when all the
other little girls are doing thesame thing and then they're all
making the little videos?
It is so like we are in thissociety of performing and
comparing.
And so that is why, to me, likethe phones in the bedroom,

(54:25):
listen, we can't stop the socialmedia.
The phones have been given out,but you know what?
We're the parent and we pay forthe phone.
So at some point, we have tohave the value system to say,
you know what, honey, we'regonna go to Target because they
have age-appropriate cleansingwashes for your face.
That's what we're gonna do.
So you don't like it, you find away to earn money and get
yourself to support it and buyyourself the peptides that you

(54:45):
don't need until you're in your20s.
Like we have to set boundariesor it's gonna completely run
away from everyone.

SPEAKER_01 (54:52):
Yeah, I mean, the dynamics have switched where the
kids are the ones that aresetting the boundaries.
They're the ones telling uswhat's gonna happen.
And and we are too afraid to setup a boundary and say no.

SPEAKER_00 (55:04):
We do.
We we're parenting from fearbecause God, what if we say no?
And listen, I have people that Iwork with and they're petrified.
What if I say no?
And my kid is the only one thatdoesn't have the Lululemon
leggings, and then they startgetting bullied.
And you know, I mean, like theyspiral, they go down, they
ruminate over what could happen.
And I'm like, lady, you have tosit, we have to stop right

(55:25):
there.
Oh my god, stop, right?

SPEAKER_01 (55:28):
Yeah, right.
Oh, I know.
I mean, you are talking mylanguage because I actually
think or have theseconversations all the time
because I am raising threeyoungers and I raised or two
olders, and the differencebetween then and now is even um
a ton.
Another thing is if I and I Iconsidered my kit myself kind of

(55:49):
troubled as a kid, and I wasbullied, and I think that life
would have been a million timesworse for me if I had social
media.
So uh you had your problems withuh the panic disorder and things
like that.
You did talk about it brieflyearlier, but could you talk more
about that and how it affectedyou to where you are, what
you're doing right now?

SPEAKER_00 (56:11):
Yeah, absolutely.
I grew up and when I was little,I used to get these dizzy
spells.
And that's what I called themdizzy spells.
And nobody knew what they were.
Doctors completely dismissed it,but it would paralyze me.
Like I would be a little kid,let's just say I was at the
beach in a competition, like arunning competition with

(56:31):
friends, and um, I would all ofa sudden have a dizzy spell and
I would stop.
I would literally stop, I wouldfreeze, and I would be so scared
and I would cover my eyes, and Icompletely freaked out, and no
parent knew what to do.
My parents were as freaked outas I was, and nobody had a name
for it.
It wasn't called panic disorder.
Obviously, mental health was nottalked about at that time, but

(56:54):
we are talking about the timewhen I was like, you know, five
years old enough.
This went on forever.
So finally I remember going tothe Mayo Clinic and all these
doctors were trying to diagnoseme, and they said, you know,
Randy, there's other, there'sother little, there's other
people like you.
They're all adults, but theydescribe these same symptoms.
Would you want to meet them?
And I was a little girl, and Isaid, no, like I don't want to

(57:15):
meet adults that have dizzyspells.
It had no bearing on my life.
And this went on for years.
And I'll never forget when I wasum, when the internet came out,
actually.
I was on the internet one dayand I was working, I was in New
York, and I remember reading anarticle about panic disorder.
And I read it and I call my dadand I say, Oh my God, dad, I

(57:37):
have panic disorder.
This is what I have.
No one's ever been able to, youknow, there's medicine for it,
there's all this stuff.
There's, I'm having panicattacks, and um, you know, and
it's funny, I did try all thethings.
I don't, um, but it made me, butit it's the reason that I have a
double major in college, butpsychology was one of them.
And I have also been throughsome kind of traumatic

(58:00):
experiences in my life, which wedon't have to get into, but I
learned that cognitivebehavioral therapy and that
talking and writing are the twovery best ways to quote unquote
process what goes on in yourbrain, and that we have these
neural pathways and they're likeon the same freeway, right?

(58:20):
And for years, mine were on thisfreeway and petrified.
I would get petrified.
I'd get up and I'd give talks,you know, and I'd be like, I'd
have a panic attack before I'dget on stage.
Like, what do I do?
Right.
But I've learned that when youtalk, it's fascinating to me,
but when you talk aboutsomething with someone, you
relive what happened, it's likeit, the easiest way for me to

(58:42):
describe it is it unlocks thesethings in your brain.
And when it unlocks it, itcreates like a new route, a new
route on that freeverse.
And all of a sudden, you don'tgo to the panic, but you go down
a different road.
And um, I mean, it changed mylife, completely changed my
life.
And so now every single morningI do a meditation, every single

(59:02):
evening I do a meditation.
And when I start to feel a panicattack come on, I will the first
thing I'll do is put my handover my heart and just say, I'm
okay, this is just a panicattack.
It's not a panic attack, it'sexcitement.
So, like I will talk to myself,it takes two seconds and I'm out
of it.
And I I work with a lot of girlsbecause a lot of people have
panic attacks, but this was notit, I didn't know what it was

(59:24):
for 20-something years of mylife.

SPEAKER_01 (59:27):
Yeah, we um live in a different age where, you know,
things are labeled, and we didnot grow up with that.
And, you know, and and so, andyou know, mental health, like
you said, just wasn't even athing.
It wasn't really thought of asimportant.
Everybody just went to in thesame classes, everybody just
seemed to be figuring it out.

(59:48):
There were a small group of kidsthat were um had differences and
they were in another room.
Um but for the most part, uh,and and everybody you didn't
really see a lot of.
Yeah, we would have parties andthings like that, and you would
see some drugs and you would seepeople drinking and things like
that.
But for the most part, duringthe school day, everybody was

(01:00:10):
good, and it nobody really stoodout.
And now it's it's completelyswitched, and um, it's really
scary that this is where we are,but at least things are labeled
and things we know more now, andthat's a good thing.

SPEAKER_00 (01:00:26):
I feel like as much as I don't like labeling things,
it makes it clarifies and itexplains, and it really is very,
very helpful.
Like when I found out that therewas a name for what I had, it
literally changed my like thisis it.
Now I can deal with it.
When you have something and youdon't know what's going on and
nobody can identify it, you feelvery lost.

(01:00:48):
You're lost.
And when it's a brain thing, Imean, it's funny because my
husband, who has absolutely zeromental health issues, when he
first met me, I'm like, listen,there's limits that I have here.
Like, I cannot go on rides atamusement parks.
I will not go, like even atDisney World, I can't get on the
it's a small world because I'mon something that I can't
control and it's going round andit's I cannot do anything like

(01:01:10):
that.
So I try explaining this to him,and it took years for him, but
he's God, he's so amazing, andhe absolutely stands by me and
supports me.
But when someone has no mentalhealth issues and they don't
understand what is panicdisorder?
Like, why won't Randy just geton the simplest of rides?
When our kids grew up, I'm herein California, I hated going to

(01:01:32):
Disneyland.
Everyone here goes toDisneyland, it's what you do.
I'm like, I hate it literallymore than anywhere on earth
because there's so many people.
It freaks me out.
The rides freak me out.
So do I think it's a bad place?
No, but for me, yes.
It is, it's a terrifying placeto be.

SPEAKER_01 (01:01:48):
Yeah.
And it it is a good thing thatwe've reached the point where,
you know, we don't treat, wewouldn't want to treat a heart
problem with cancer medicine.
So I mean, it is good for thatrespect that we know exactly
what we're dealing with.
So people can look it up andGoogle and say, look, this is
what I've been dealing with, andthere are other people, and I'm

(01:02:08):
not alone, because you know,that's what the internet also
has done, and it's freed us upfrom being able to feel like
we're the only ones that havegone through this.
So it it is a good thing.
Right.
What you also mentioned, which Iand then we'll wrap it up here
soon, but was you startedtalking about something which
has saved me, is I called itthought stopping.

(01:02:32):
And every single time I wouldstart going into a panic or into
a direction that or thoughts ina way that weren't healthy for
me.
I would instantly start, I wouldstop my thought and make it
going into a differentdirection.
I would How?

SPEAKER_00 (01:02:48):
How do you stop a thought?

SPEAKER_01 (01:02:50):
I would just stop it because when you your neuro
pathways or whatever, you know,you've gone, it it'll just go,
there's wiring in our brain,basically, you know, when you
have a thought and it just goesa different direction.
The thought starts and it'lljust automatically go to the
direction in the path that it'salways gone.
But if you and this is what I'vedone for me, is as soon as it

(01:03:12):
starts and I and I know whichdirection it's going to go, I
will stop it.
And it, I would force it to go adifferent direction and force
myself to start thinkingpositive ways, and eventually it
would start going a norm, itwould become the normal for me.
It would take time, it wouldtake a lot of time, but I would

(01:03:33):
call it thought stopping.

SPEAKER_00 (01:03:35):
Okay, yeah.
Smart.

SPEAKER_01 (01:03:38):
Yeah.
So I want to touch on your book.
Um, you have mentioned some ofthe lessons that you have in
your book.
Are there any other lessons thatyou want parents to take away
from your book that you'reworking on?

SPEAKER_00 (01:03:50):
I mean, I think that we've covered a lot of it.
That to me, the most importantthings that we can do are have
the open line of communicationwith our kids, listen to our
kids, stop poaching their shots,meaning stop taking their shots,
let them lose, be move yourfeet, move your body.
I have a whole chapter on that.

(01:04:11):
In other words, be adaptable,like be flexible.
You know, we're not given aplaybook when we become parents.
And I think everybody forgetsthat, that like we're going
through parenting in real timewhile we're raising our kids in
real time.
So they don't understand thateither.
This is all new for us, too.
So I think it's very easy tohave a visceral response when we

(01:04:33):
hear something that we were notexpecting.
So I think it's very, veryimportant that we anticipate
that we never be that parentthat says, not my kid, and we're
able to move with them and likeyou said, meet them where they
are.
Because we are not parenting inour generation, and we have to,
we have to be able to step backand understand that they are

(01:04:56):
living in a whole new world.
So parenting is really, reallyhard today, but it doesn't have
to be.
And we don't have to parent fromfear.
We can make parenting fun.
And the way to do that is tobuild trust and communication
with your children.

SPEAKER_01 (01:05:12):
Yeah, that's really important.
Because then who else are theygonna talk to?
They're gonna go to the wrongpeople.

SPEAKER_00 (01:05:18):
They are going to the wrong people.
They're going right now onlineand they're listening to
influencers, influencers who areprobably full of baloney on what
to eat, how to build muscle, howto look, what to do with their
face, their thighs, theireyebrows.
So they're getting see, we whenwe grew up, we got our values
from our family, from ourchurch, from our community, from

(01:05:38):
our teachers, whatever.
Our kids, they're getting theirvalue system from social media.
That's who's teaching our kidswhat's important.
It's important to have the LouisVuitton and the makeup and the
club.
No, it's not.
No, it's not.
So we need to get back to afamily value system.
So what I say in the book is ifI had one huge regret for real,

(01:06:00):
it would be that I did notinsist, absolutely insist, on
one family dinner a week, atleast.
Because when you have differentkids and they're in multiple
sports and their schedules arecrazy.
Some are getting home at sevenat night, some are getting home
at 11 at night, some are goingto cheer at five in the morning.
It's really, really hard.
So when your kids do get freetime, you just give it to them

(01:06:23):
blindly.
You say, you know what, spend ithow you want because that is
your currency.
Right, the rest of your time isso booked and so busy.
You know what?
We all need at least minimum onefamily dinner a week where it's
everyone in the family is at thetable, extended family, you name
it, whoever can be there.
And you can just talk.
And that's where you instill thevalues.

(01:06:44):
That's where you lay thegroundwork for who you are, what
you believe in.
Because when or when, and and bythe way, no phones at that
dinner.
Because otherwise, literally thephone and the apps are raising
our kids.

SPEAKER_01 (01:06:56):
Right.
So you have to shut out alloutside, everything from the
outside.
100% be with each other.

SPEAKER_00 (01:07:05):
30-minute dinner.
That's all I'm asking.
I would, if I could do thatdifferently today and take the
phones out of the bedroom atnight.
Um, no, again, luckily, my kidsare a little bit older, so
they're not, they never were bigon the whole posting on
Instagram or anything.
Like they just missed that.
But they still did, they stillhave their phones at night and
were texting and Snapchat andall of it.
And that's just not healthy.

(01:07:25):
It's just toxic.

SPEAKER_01 (01:07:26):
When do you think parents should stand up and pay
attention and say, hey, it'stime for my kid to get outside
help?

SPEAKER_00 (01:07:32):
That is a great question.
And we all know our own kids.
So every family is different.
But I would, I have always said,and I believe this, that a mom's
gut instinct is better thananyone else's, a mom's, not a
doctor, not an outsider, but amom.
So when you know, when you knowin your gut that something is

(01:07:55):
off, it's more than just theycome home, they go right to the
room, they don't come out, theystart dressing a little bit
differently, they are notinterested in going out with the
friends that they've alwayswanted to go out to with their
grades have dropped.
Like it, but but you know, theygo through periods, and we all
know that.
They go through periods ofpulling away, which they have

(01:08:15):
to, but it's different.
And I believe wholeheartedlythat a mom's gut knows that.
And when you know that, youabsolutely do not be afraid to
speak up and to have a talk withthem and to say, hey, I've
noticed some of these thingsgoing on.
Not, hey, I've noticed thesethings going on.
I'm taking you into a doctor.
That's not the conversation.
The conversation is, and again,meet them where they are.

(01:08:37):
Do they love to go to Starbucks?
Take them to Starbucks.
Do they love getting frozenyogurt?
Take them to get frozen yogurt.
But take them out and tell themyou've noticed a change in their
behavior.
You love them, you care aboutthem.
Whatever is going on, you arethere to support them.
You will not judge, you will notshame, you want to help them.
And but the minute you sense it,you do it.
You jump in with both feet, youdon't hesitate.

SPEAKER_01 (01:08:59):
You just touched on something.
My one of my older kids, wewent, we made it a point to go
to Starbucks or a bookstoreevery single week.
And we would just, you know, sitin the books and drink coffee
and talk.
And yeah, I think that in withhaving five kids or however
anybody, however, um anybodymight have, but what we need to

(01:09:22):
do, I think, is make sure thatwe make that one-on-one time.
And and you keep that connectionand you keep that dialogue open
with them when you go intoplaces like that.
Just get a cup of coffee and sitdown, and it frees them from
being able to maybe talk.
They might be able to talk withus then.

SPEAKER_00 (01:09:42):
I think that there you really catch your kids off
guard when you actually listento them.
I mean, I absolutely caught mineoff guard because listen, again,
as a parent, you've got a highschool son, you're fighting with
him, he's yelling at you, stopinterrupting me.
You're yelling, shut up, I knowwhat you're gonna say.
I mean, that happens.
That happens, right?
Yeah.
But you really catch them offguard when you have a fight with

(01:10:06):
them or they start bringingsomething up and you could have
a fight with them, but you'relike, you know what?
I'm gonna let them say what theywant to say.
I'm gonna listen to this wholething all the way through.
Even though I know what they'regonna tell me, you let them
finish the thought.
And guess what?
They might surprise you too.
They might surprise you withwhat they say because you've

(01:10:26):
never let them finish thethought.

SPEAKER_01 (01:10:28):
And then they might listen to us.
They might until we listen tothem, then they'll listen to us.

SPEAKER_00 (01:10:33):
You have to build the trust.
And when you build the trust,they will open up.
And then you can't take thattrust and betray it.
You cannot betray the trust oncethey've opened up.
You then have to sit onknowledge that you know and be
in their court and be there forthem, but not go in and fix what
you learned.
I like we have a crisis, quitefrankly, not to be a fear

(01:10:53):
monger, but we're in crisis withour kids.

SPEAKER_01 (01:10:56):
It's because we know what it used to be like.
I mean, it was a joy to justlive and be free and go outside
and play and not have the fearsand the interruptions with our
families and things like that.
That we I mean, it's it's reallyrare for families to come
together, like you said, at atable.

SPEAKER_00 (01:11:16):
And it's incredibly rare.
It's impossible.

SPEAKER_01 (01:11:19):
It we just know we had the leave it to beaver, you
know.
I I wasn't, I came a little bitafter leave it to beaver, but
you know what I mean.
I mean, those days are gone.
The Leave It to Beaver families.
Like you said, it's a crisis andit's needed, and not very many
people, not enough people aretalking about it.

SPEAKER_00 (01:11:36):
We're never gonna get back to leave it to beaver,
we're not.
We're never gonna get back tokids not wanting to like
document their life online,we're not.
But what we can get back to isteaching our kids confidence at
home and building resilience andbuilding grit and stop robbing
our kids of those opportunities.
Because when we do that, theywill then have the confidence
when they do post and it goessouth to not let it ruin their

(01:11:59):
entire day, week, month, year.
Do you know what I mean?
We're giving them tools at home.
Right now, we're not.
Do you have specific tools?
What I talk about when I givekids tools is very simply a
concept called your mental bankaccount.
So when I grew up, my fatheralways talked about you have to
have a mental bank account.

(01:12:20):
It's like a fake bank account.
And every time you do something,little or big, you stop, you
there's a pretend teller withyour name over it, and you make
a deposit, right?
So it could be anything fromlike, I just won a pickleball
game against the hardest ladiesout there.
That goes in the mental bankaccount.
It could be I just landed, youknow, my first TEDx talk, that

(01:12:41):
goes in the mental bank account.
So that you draw from that,because I am such a believer in
doing, in taking action.
And so any little win adds up,and the little wins become big
wins.
And so when I talk about havingtools, it's drawing upon your
experience.
But you will only have thatexperience when you go out and

(01:13:02):
when you take action.
Obviously, I talk aboutbreathing and meditation.

I that's what I do every day: meditation, setting intentions (01:13:05):
undefined
for the day, starting your dayevery single day, getting out of
bed.
I mean, my girls, all of themknow.
You put your feet on the floor,today is going to be
outstanding.
Will it be outstanding?
I can't promise you that.
But what I can promise you isthat if you get out of bed and
say today's gonna beoutstanding, instead of today's

(01:13:29):
gonna suck.
I hate going to this class or Ihate going to practice after
school, I guarantee your day isgonna be better if you start
your day with a good intention.
So I have a lot of little thingslike that.

SPEAKER_01 (01:13:39):
Yeah, well, it's all about perspective.

SPEAKER_00 (01:13:41):
Oh.

SPEAKER_01 (01:13:42):
Yeah.
And if we, hey, it we can gointo every single day if we want
to.
And it, whatever you go into itwith, if you think it's gonna
stink, it's gonna stink.
If you think it's gonna be agreat day, you're gonna make
sure that it's gonna be a greatday.
And I've had it where it's likedominoes, it's just like
everything is falling,everything is gonna go in every

(01:14:04):
direction other than the way Iwanted it to be.
And then I just say, Oh, well,that's the way it was supposed
to go.
And then I move on.
And, you know, and and try notto wallow in it either.
I mean, that doesn't do anygood.

SPEAKER_00 (01:14:17):
You're actually so right.
It's so funny.
It's it's just like all theMurphy's law, right?
Like when one thing goes wrong,everything goes wrong.
But the other thing I do talk alot about with my clients is
their energy because we are allenergy.
So if you come into a room witha negative energy, everybody
feels it before you even openyour mouth.
If you come in with a positiveenergy, you're a light in the

(01:14:39):
room.
Everybody feels it.
They want to be with you, theywant to be around you, they want
part of that energy.
So it's like we talk aboutintentions and how we start the
day and our energy and whatwe're bringing to it.
It's all about all those littlethings.

SPEAKER_01 (01:14:53):
Yeah, that's really important.
And I think if you feel down andout, it's hard to find that
energy to be able to, you know,put that out in the room to
bring people towards you.
I think, you know, it it will dothe exact opposite.
Well, then again, but so thenthat will make you shrink up
even more.
So it's hard to reverse thatonce you're in it.

SPEAKER_00 (01:15:13):
Which is why you need, okay, which is why you
need to experience a little win.
So, what that little win couldbe is you're not feeling it, you
don't want to go to thatnetworking thing, but like yeah,
for call like to get intocollege, you know, because
there's gonna be so many peoplethere and you're just in a get
yourself dressed, looking good,feeling better than you did when

(01:15:34):
you weren't, and then get to theevent.
I don't care if you spend fiveminutes there and then you
leave.
But you know what?
You'll tell yourself that youwere able to get yourself there.
And as far as I'm concerned,like check, you did it.
That's the hardest part.
Now you might get there and belike, oh, this isn't that bad.
Someone started talking to you,and it the whole thing could
turn around.
If you feel it going southreally quickly, you leave.

(01:15:56):
But you know what?
You put the fact that you wentin your mental bank account
because everything changes whenyou take a shower, you brush
your teeth, you put on a littlemakeup, you get dressed, and you
go.
You're already better off thanwhen you were sitting in bed or
on the couch not doing anything.
Action is always gonna be betterthan inaction.
And you have to be proud ofyourself for any little action.

SPEAKER_01 (01:16:17):
Yeah, I always say that manifestation is action.
And if we want something tohappen, we have to move.

SPEAKER_00 (01:16:23):
You have to move.

SPEAKER_01 (01:16:24):
Yeah, this is good.
And um, I I did want to ask youthat if somebody is being
bullied and they're beingsexorted or they're having all
of these issues, what would youtell them?

SPEAKER_00 (01:16:36):
As their mom or as their what?

SPEAKER_01 (01:16:38):
As um as an adult, just as an adult.

SPEAKER_00 (01:16:42):
Okay.
As an adult to a kid that hasconfided in me that this is
happening to them, I would talkto first of all, I would open
the line of communication withthem, let them know that I am
here for them and that wetogether as a team are gonna
fight back because bullying isnot okay.
So let's figure out what thatlooks like.

(01:17:04):
And then you don't come up withthe plan.
You don't say, I'm gonna, I'mgonna take care of this, I'm
gonna go to the school and I'mgonna get every person fired.
You don't do that.
You talk to them, you're a team,and you're gonna figure out what
you're gonna do.
Is it if it's sex tortion, we'regonna go to the police.
If it's, you know, we're gonnatake whatever action necessary,
but your kid has to buy in andhas to be comfortable with it.

(01:17:26):
So the first thing you have todo is build their trust, which
is not always easy.
And once you build their trust,because again, like I said,
that's where I'm talking aboutdon't violate it.
Don't have somebody come to youand then violate it and go
behind their back and getinvolved because now they don't
trust you and they feel theyfeel violated by you as much as
by the bully.
So you can't ever do that.

(01:17:46):
You have to work as a team anddecide if this goes to the
police, if this goes to theschool.
When you ask me why I do what Ido, I am telling you right now,
there is nothing on this planet,nothing, that I literally hate
and I don't even like the wordhate more than a bully.
I I don't I've never understoodit.
And by the way, there areschools that don't get involved
and schools that are just as badas the bullies.

(01:18:08):
And if that's the situationyou're in, maybe you think about
homeschooling, maybe think aboutswitching schools, but I will be
there for that kid or my kid orwhatever kid that is the entire
way.

SPEAKER_01 (01:18:19):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And trust is everything.
Yeah.
I mean, since you are acertified life coach, how can
people reach you if they needhelp?

SPEAKER_00 (01:18:28):
So I have a website, Randy with an I, randycrawford
coaching.com.
And on there is a button, a linkto my calendarly, and um, they
can set up an initial um30-minute conversation.
And usually I talk and I am avery accessible coach.
I mean, when I work with people,they have my cell phone, they'll
text me in between.

(01:18:48):
Um, and I'm also on Instagramand TikTok at Randy Crawford
Coaching.
And I just make little videosabout, like I said, today's was
about, you know, the study aboutmoms creating the anxiety.
And it's a dialogue.
I don't go on there and preachand say, in fact, a friend said
to me yesterday, Randy, youalways ask these questions, but
you don't give the answer.
And I said, that's because Idon't give the answers.

(01:19:10):
This parenting is debatable.
I mean, there is no right orwrong for any child or any
family.
It's how do you want to look atthis situation?
What are your values and what doyou think about it?
That's what I like to put outthere.

SPEAKER_01 (01:19:23):
Yeah, when I think of the helping profession,
because I I have a degree incounseling and that kind of
stuff.
And I always say to my or say ingeneral, you know, the helping
profession is helping peoplehelp themselves.
And that's what it's supposed tobe.
It's not for us to be able tosit across from somebody and
tell them what to do, it'shelping them help themselves.

SPEAKER_00 (01:19:45):
First of all, if I ever told anybody what to do,
they'd be in big trouble.
That's the comedy.
I would never even attempt totell somebody what to do.
But when they lay out a problem,I absolutely can ask the
questions to get them to figureout, you know what I mean, this
is what I should be doing, orthis is what I should try.
I give them the confidence to belike, why wouldn't you try that?

(01:20:05):
What's the worst thing that canhappen?
And that's what we kind of talkthrough.

SPEAKER_01 (01:20:09):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, thank you for thisconversation.
This has been great.
I've really enjoyed it.

SPEAKER_00 (01:20:15):
Me too.
This has been amazing.
And I'm just so thankful thatyou had me on.
I really appreciate it.

SPEAKER_01 (01:20:19):
We covered it all, I think.
We it it was a really greatconversation.
You just served us a wholepickleball court of truth.
From screens to self-worth,you've helped us see what we can
do better as parents, asmentors, and as humans trying to
raise real, resilient kids.
To our listeners, stop rescuing,start, start preparing, and have

(01:20:43):
those hard conversations.
Be accessible, be available.
Follow Randy at Randy CrawfordCoaching.
And if you love this episode,please subscribe to Real Talk
with Tina and Ann.
Follow everything that RandyCrawford is doing.
Remember, there is purpose inthe pain and there is hope in
the journey.
And we will see you next time.

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