April 23, 2025 • 59 mins
What happens when the people meant to love you become the source of your deepest wounds? In this unforgettable episode, one woman shares her powerful journey through a childhood shaped by betrayal, abandonment, and unthinkable loss—yet somehow, she never gave up.
Her story is raw, riveting, and at times, almost too painful to believe. But it’s also one of grit, transformation, and an inner strength that refused to break. Through every heartbreak, she discovered something stronger than pain: purpose.
This is a conversation you won’t forget—and one that just might shift how you see your own story.
🎧 Tune in and listen closely. Because survival is just the beginning.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Welcome to Real Talk with Tina and Anne.
I am Anne, and before we divein, I want to say this While
today's story includesunimaginable pain, it is not
defined by tragedy.
It is a story of resilience, ofstrength born from suffering
and of a spirit that refused tobreak.
(00:29):
Today's guest is Autumn StarrCanterbury, and I am honored to
have you on today.
Thank you so much for joiningus.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
It's an honor to be here.
I'm so excited to meet you guys.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
Now, this might seem like an unusual place to begin,
but I read your story and I haveto start here because it
stopped me in my tracks.
I mean, I just want to say youwere given away by your family
with a horse and let me just saythis again, you were given away
without any warning and I can'teven imagine where that sits
(01:07):
with you.
But that moment alone says somuch about the rest of your
story, your childhood and thelevel of instability and
heartbreak that you endured.
And yet all that you reallylonged for, all that you really
wanted, is what most peoplewould want, and that's love.
(01:28):
To our listeners, thisconversation will move you,
challenge you and remind youjust how powerful the human
spirit can be.
Autumn.
Your story matters and you willbe heard.
Let's begin where it allstarted, because I think this is
one of the most importantthings.
The loss of innocence is thehardest place.
(01:53):
A lifetime of hardship is awful, but I think that there's a
place where innocence is lost,and in that very moment is where
this story begins, and youwrote me the words.
Before the storms of life raged, before the battles of survival
became my reality, there was atime of innocence.
(02:15):
My childhood held glimpses offreedom, moments of untamed joy.
Yet lurking beneath the surfacewas the inevitable struggle
that would shape me into who Iam today, that moment when the
life you knew was ripped fromyou and is forever etched in
your soul as that last time thatyou felt safe.
(02:37):
Can you tell me more aboutbefore and that moment that
divided time for you?
Speaker 2 (02:45):
Yeah, that moment in time that really divided me.
I was 10 years old.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
And it was my mother's death.
She had fallen off of a horseand she crushed her skull.
I have witnessed an accident,her school.
I have witnessed an accidentand that moment is really what
started to diverse me away fromkind of, I would say, reality of
(03:13):
fun and childhood.
You know, glamour, excitement,things that kept me, you know,
as a child that went away at 10years old.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
Okay, so I just want to tell you, you know, my dad
died when I was 11.
Not in a way that was asgraphic as that, but it was in a
moment of time where thingswere really great for me, just
like what you were talking about.
I mean, you were living on abuffalo ranch and things seemed
(03:44):
pretty wonderful at that time.
It sounded like, and then in aninstant your entire life
changes, so maybe you could talkmore about what it was kind of
like right before and right wheneverything changed for you.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
Yeah, totally so.
My parents.
When I first was born, theystarted off working at a Buffalo
ranch in Colorado and theyworked for the ambassador of
Austria and it was really awonderful home.
We had order, we hadorganization.
Home, we had order, we hadorganization.
(04:28):
That's where I first startedgoing to school.
At five years old, my mom anddad were together and everything
seemed to be really put inplace.
Well, from what I did notunderstand, my dad was what I
call a silent alcoholic.
I had no idea that he was adrinker.
And my mom and my dad, theyargued a lot, they fought a lot
(04:52):
and then my dad had ended upleaving the Buffalo Ranch, had a
really bad accident and severalof the buffalo got killed on
the highway from a snowstorm.
Several of the buffalo gotkilled on the highway from a
snowstorm and through thatprocess, my parents had to leave
(05:15):
the buffalo ranch and they weretransferred to a cattle ranch a
couple miles from there.
So they worked on the cattleranch but the fighting continued
.
It kind of magnified, and I wasaround six years old when that
all occurred.
Well, I had left the cattleranch, leaving my mom at this
place alone to take care of theplace.
I don't know where he went.
(05:36):
He just up and disappeared.
And then my mom had met thisother man and he started to come
help.
But he was a horrible alcoholic.
Drinking with my mom OnChristmas Eve he attempted to
try to kill her.
My mom left me with my aunt andmy uncle and we stayed there
(06:01):
while she went.
She ended up going to NewMexico to find my father.
My father was working at theracetracks in Albuquerque, new
Mexico.
He was a farrier working there.
My mom jumped in to help Duringthat process.
My mom was going to rehab.
I didn't know my father was analcoholic going to rehab.
(06:28):
I didn't know my father was analcoholic and it was actually
the day that we brought her homefrom rehab.
She jumped on her horse at theranch we were living and three
runs around the track and thehorse tripped and she flew and
hit the starting gates.
Oh my, there was a lot of a lotof shambling on before that.
(06:51):
I learned how to survive backand forth with you know the
adversity of where's dad.
Now, all of a sudden, we're nottogether anymore.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
Now, all of a sudden, I'm not running around the barn
chasing the cats and feedingthe buffalo with my father,
right, yeah, you had made acomment that the moment that you
took your first breath,adversity stood at your doorstep
ready to test your spirit.
It sounds like that you had alot going on from the very
beginning, like you just alwayswere having to adjust and pivot
(07:28):
and figure it out, even thoughyou were so small.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
Correct.
Yes, I did.
Speaker 1 (07:33):
When your mother went back to your dad, you said
there was some drinking, and youreally didn't even know that.
But you said that the drinkingbecame the bitter lullaby that
rocked you through the sleeplessnights of uncertainty.
What did that mean?
Speaker 2 (07:52):
So what that means is my mother became an habitual
alcoholic herself and my fatherI was unaware of it that he was,
you know, going behind the bar,the you know the barns, and
drinking and but my mother, shewas drinking constantly.
You know, we lived anywherethere was alcohol basically, and
(08:18):
that was just kind of what Iknew at a very young age was
alcoholism is the way adultsdeal with their problems.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
You did say and I found this very interesting
because I grew up in a householdthat was this very same thing,
where I believed that after mydad passed away, there was a lot
that happened.
There was a lot of abuse thathappened and my mom spent the
rest of our lives running fromsomething unseen.
And you actually made thatstatement to me.
You said that you know yourfamily was running from
(08:52):
something unseen.
How did you know that?
How did you feel that?
Speaker 2 (08:55):
Well, I kind of knew a little bit in the back of my
mind as a young child, becausein the beginning of the Buffalo
Ranch we got on the school bus,we went to school, we had
stability, we had structure, wehad order, you know.
We had meals, we prayed at thedinner table.
We did a lot of things togetherin the short time of childhood
(09:21):
and it seemed to me, you know,as a child you're, you're
wondering well, why can't I goplay sports with the other kids?
You know, why are my parentsarguing all the time?
But yet that family over therelooks so well put together.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
Okay, so you were aware, okay.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
Yeah, so the the unseen, like chasing the unseen
to me in a way.
I look at it as because myparents were very talented but
they were never satisfied, andso they were always going
somewhere, thinking somethingwas better.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
Oh, wow, okay, that is really sad.
And trying to be satisfied, tolive right where you are to be
present, where you are to behappy, right where you are to be
present, where you are to behappy, right where you are.
I think that that's the mostbeautiful place to be, and it's
really sad when people arereally searching.
(10:16):
They're constantly searchingfor something, even though
happiness is right in front ofthem.
Speaker 2 (10:22):
Right it is.
And when you're young, you knowyour mind thinks of the little
things that become big importantthings.
You know we always go back tothose little moments of being
home and just having a mealtogether as a family means a lot
.
So I was definitely aware ofthose structures but I knew I
(10:44):
just I was out of control ofhaving them.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
Yeah, you said also, a child burdened with grief is
too heavy to bear.
You know that to me is where Ilived, I would say the majority
of my life after I was 11 yearsold when my dad passed away.
You know a child that feelssuch heavy grief for years.
I think it's just too much forchildren to bear.
(11:11):
It really deeply affects whothey are.
How would you say that carryingthat grief throughout the rest
of your childhood affected youand even in school and
relationships and everything Imean?
How do you think it affectedyou?
Speaker 2 (11:27):
Well, it affected me, and impacted me as who I am
immensely, because I totally,when I witnessed my mother's
death, I didn't focus at all onmy education.
But very, very shortly afterthat death, my father completely
(11:51):
quit taking me to school.
I worked on the ranch, I workedhorses, I was a workhorse.
So what really impacted me wasfear.
I learned how to live in fearall the time like yes sir, yes
ma'am, yes sir to everything andeveryone, and I lost my own
(12:11):
confidence of who I was becauseof those patterns.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
Grief, fear.
Those things are soencompassing and when they're in
you there is hardly any roomfor anything else.
I mean, it's hard to let thelove in the joy in when
especially when you're so youngand you're always waiting for
(12:38):
something else to happen.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
Yeah, you kind of put in first gear how to survive.
All right, I've got to getthrough this.
How much longer you start todisconnect from things of feel,
love, excitement?
I lost birthdays, I lostholidays.
(13:00):
You know, christmas,thanksgiving, a lot of it was
just gone.
Speaker 1 (13:06):
Did anybody notice that you weren't in school?
Speaker 2 (13:09):
It was back and forth .
We had social services show upa time or two, but I was
threatened.
You know, if you say anything Iwill kill you, you will keep
your mouth shut.
And so you learn fear at a veryyoung age.
My father could not.
You know, I have to gobacktrack a little bit here,
because my father was a verytalented person.
(13:31):
He was a horse trainer, afarrier, an artist.
He was a cowboy through andthrough and he cherished me and
my sister when we were veryyoung.
But after my mom's death itseemed like he didn't handle
things very well and that's whenthe abuse really came into play
(13:51):
.
And then I was introduced to mystepmother, which was the
massive corporate of my abuse.
Speaker 1 (14:00):
Yeah, if you could talk more about your stepmom,
because it seemed like thingsreally got a lot worse after she
came into your life.
Speaker 2 (14:09):
Yeah, so it was something like six months after
my mom had died.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
Six months.
Speaker 2 (14:15):
Not very long and my dad had introduced us to a woman
and she hung out a little bit.
She seemed okay but my guts,you know, I'm not ready to have
another mom.
I don't want somebody, you know, bombarding our family.
But I accepted it and she movedin.
(14:36):
My father had bought 80 acresout in the middle of nowhere in
New Mexico and started puttinghorses on there, and we lived on
that property in a tent for awhile and she always seemed very
jealous of the fact that my dadwas close to me and so she
(14:57):
would argue a lot.
She would cause a lot ofconflict and moving forward in
the years, and moving forward inthe years, it became abuse to
the point where I was notallowed to eat.
She would feed me one time outof the day, if that.
She had two twin daughters.
They were both disabled andblind and she blamed me for
(15:20):
their disability.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
Were they with your father or before?
Speaker 2 (15:25):
Yeah, they were my sisters with this new woman, but
they kind of took place of meand my sister and me and my
sister kind of started todisappear from having a family.
We became the workers.
We chopped weeds, we cleanedhorse pens, we watered horses.
(15:46):
We worked day in, day out, dayin, day out.
We had to earn our food andthen after a time we were no
longer allowed to eat.
So I lived on horse feed, Ilived on grain alfalfa whatever
I could find.
I lived on grain alfalfa,whatever I could find.
And then, with the socialservices coming in and out from
(16:07):
school, he would put us inschool for a bit, but then we'd
be back home and so there was alot of questions in there.
But he seemed to do really goodat putting us in just long
enough to keep us out of troublewith the services.
But I didn't focus in school.
I didn't know how, you know Ijust I was so far behind by then
(16:31):
.
Speaker 1 (16:32):
Well, you know, if things are not in place at home,
it's really hard for a child tobe able to pay attention and
learn in school period.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
Yes, oh yeah, you can't focus.
You know when you're goingthrough any kind of heavy trauma
as a child.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
Yeah, Now this is about when, and I'm not sure
what was going on with yourfamily at the time when your dad
got to the point that it did.
Maybe that you could talk moreabout that.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
So I was about 14 and a half I believe I was
somewhere in that age and wewere working at the ranch.
My dad had somewhere along 100head of horses that he was
training for other people andferrying, and I remember it was
monsoon season cause it wasraining really hard.
(17:27):
Driveway and parks in front ofthe house and they're talking
(17:48):
and I assumed it was some cowboythat my dad had knew from a
long time ago, but I didn't knowwho he was.
And well, anyway, my fathergoes up to the horse pen where
I'm working and he says you'regoing to go with this man.
He's going to need you to helpclean his house and take care of
things.
So go, get your jacket and loadup in the truck.
(18:11):
And so they did some talkingand I jumped in the truck,
didn't know who this man was,and they loaded up this Mustang
that this guy supposedly neededfor the feedlot that he was
working at and we hauled off toTexas and my dad never said
goodbye, nothing, neverexplained anything.
(18:33):
I just stared out that windowas it's raining the whole way to
Texas and I was hungry, I wasscared, I was petrified actually
.
So I never said a word.
And he pulls over at a gasstation and buys me a soda pop
and a candy bar and I tell himthank you, and um, we end up in
(18:53):
Demet, texas, and we dropped thehorse off at the feedlot.
Well, long story short, this Ihad to adapt once again to a new
environment, a new person, anew situation and I'm just going
with the flow.
I'm 14 and a half somewhere inthere and I'm not in school.
(19:14):
I have no education, but I'mjust kind of roaming and hanging
out cleaning this house.
Well, it turned out where someother cowboy and his wife knew
this cowboy I'm living with andwe go to have dinner with them
and stuff.
And they start telling me areyou doing all right, autumn?
And I'm like, yeah, I'm doingjust fine.
(19:36):
And they said well, we'reworried about you, hon, because
he's going around work sayingthat you're his girlfriend, hun,
because he's going around worksaying that you're his
girlfriend.
And so I got a little nervous,but I, you know my instincts
kick in and I pay attention andI kind of go with the flow
because I got no other choice.
And time progresses and hestarts to flirt, and then he
(20:01):
starts to flirt, and then hestarts to touch me a lot more,
and so I immediately knew thewarning signs and I ran to the
friend's house that had informedme of this and I told him what
he was about ready to do, andthey immediately, you know, took
(20:22):
me to the sheriff's office toget me out of that situation.
But the situation was goingback to my dad and my stepmom,
and so they came to Texas thatnight, picked me up and just
beat the crud out of me, tellingme I was a liar.
Crud out of me, telling me Iwas a liar.
(20:43):
How could I accuse a man ofsuch a thing?
I had just started, you know,developing and had my first
menstrual cycle and I developedan infection and my father
kicked all of the antibioticsthat the doctors had given me
out the window and he saidyou're a liar and you will be
(21:04):
punished for what you have done.
And that's when the beatings gotworse, the meals got way less
and I was placed on a centerblock in the backyard for three
months for punishment andeverything that I owned, my
mother's belongings andeverything were burnt to the
(21:25):
ground and I slept in a floorwith nothing but a blanket.
You know, that was it on thefloor and then I was out every
morning before the sun came up,sitting on this block, and then
every night it just depended,you know, 11, 2 o'clock in the
morning in my room to sleep andthen back out and I got to the
(21:51):
point where I was so angry Iwould steal food, you know.
I just didn't care, I washungry, I had to survive.
And I sat there on the centerblock one evening and my father
had said we're going to take yousomewhere where you can get
some help.
And it was about two hoursafter he had informed me of that
(22:13):
and he drove me all the way toAlbuquerque, new Mexico, and
dropped me off at a homelessshelter and I have never seen
him since.
Speaker 1 (22:23):
Really yes.
Have you heard anything abouthim or anything Like how he's
doing?
Speaker 2 (22:33):
I've heard in and out .
You know he's somewhere workingat railroads.
He's still bouncing and stilltrying to chase whatever is
unknown or unseen.
I don't know if he's any longerwith my evil stepmom.
I don't know if he's any longerwith my evil stepmom.
I do know that one of my twinhalf-sisters had passed away at
(22:56):
age 19, and I do not know wherethe other one is or what she's
doing.
Speaker 1 (23:01):
But yeah, so you never got the chance to ask your
dad what the heck, why did yougive me away Not once, but twice
?
I mean, that would be, I think,a question I would want to know
the answer to, because, I mean,you were just a child.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
Yes, I have been curious, you know, I have wanted
to know why.
But at the same time I've hadto move forward and find that's.
You know where the silent giftof my book comes into play is.
I've had to walk by faith mywhole life and believe in that.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
The other part of that is, though, in a way you
know it, you wouldn't want tolive in a place like that.
You know, I mean, it would havebeen.
It would have been likebittersweet, you know, kind of
glad that you're not maybegetting that abuse.
But yet you know, the unknownsometimes can be the scariest
(24:09):
part, and it never, it seemslike it never felt like you
really were able to find thatlove that you needed.
Now you at some point did golooking for your biological
family, correct?
Speaker 2 (24:27):
Well, I did family correct.
Well, I did.
I was in the homeless shelterfor a while and then they had
placed me in foster care and Ilived in a couple different
family with a couple differentfamilies.
And then I was about, well, Iwas 16 years old and I got
(24:48):
myself a job working at anursing home because I found
love there.
A lot of grandparents, you know, they just put me in and I
worked super hard, I loved itand then at nighttime I would
walk to the college to get GDclasses at 16.
(25:13):
But I was so far behind in myeducation I didn't even really
know where to begin, but I stillI tried.
Well, during that time I wenton people search, you know, to
look for my mom's brother, myuncle that was living in
Colorado, and I found him unclethat was living in Colorado, and
I found him and I called himright away and, of course,
(25:38):
because he had known nowherewhere I was at my dad, you know,
totally disconnected from everyone.
Um, they came all the way toAlbuquerque to pick me up and
hauled me back to Colorado andtried to put me back into school
.
They flooded me with love, youknow.
They just oh, that's so great,they were amazing.
They tried so hard to help me.
(26:01):
You know heal but we didn'ttalk about the things that had
happened, we just tried to workon moving forward.
Well, I tried to go to schoolonce again, but I was so far
behind on credits and justdidn't understand just some of
the basic terminology of anyeducation really.
(26:24):
So I ended up dropping out.
And that's when I decided, well, maybe I'm going to sign up for
the Navy.
And I went ahead and tried tobecome a US Naval Sea Cadet for
the Corps so that I could, youknow, get, get some education
(26:45):
and have some stability and havesome stability.
But they said you need to getyour high school education,
sweetheart, in order to make itthis far.
I quit because I didn't knowwhere to find help.
And that's when I started tolook towards finding love and
(27:07):
affection through a family and Iwas like, well, maybe I need to
get married and have children.
And so I met a rancher and, ofcourse, we didn't hesitate at
all or take any time getting toknow each other.
We jumped right in at 19 yearsold, in at 19 years old, and I
(27:34):
wanted to have a family and havea perfect, you know little
house on the prairie life.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
Yeah, I mean, I would think that at that point in
your life you had not, exceptfor the little bit of time that
you did get to know love, whichI'm so glad that you got to
understand and feel that foreven a short period of time.
I mean that just that's such ablessing.
I didn't realize that youactually had experienced that.
(28:01):
Could you tell me a little bitmore about the foster care
system and how that went for you?
I mean, were you in more thanone home?
Were you in different ones?
I mean, how was that?
Speaker 2 (28:16):
So I was in two Okay, and I lived with the most
beautiful African-Americanfamily.
They took me in, they hauled meto church, we did activities
together.
My foster mom had four children, they were all boys.
(28:36):
We played basketball together.
I went from in the sheltertrying to fight and survive,
because there were likegangsters in there and they'd
beat you up to living with aBlack family, learning their
ways, and it was so wonderful.
But something happened there andI had to be moved into a
(28:59):
different foster home.
It was due to my father.
He was forging money that wewere still living with him for
the Social Security money of mymother, that we were still
living with him for the socialsecurity money of my mother, and
so he had threatened the familyand they had to place me in a
different home.
And then I lived with anotherlady and she was wonderful.
(29:21):
She was so passionate andloving and caring, so I had that
as well again.
But she had a lot of turmoil inher home, um, and her husband
(29:42):
later on ended up committingsuicide, um, so there was a lot
of family turmoil there and thatwas kind of my moment when I
did people search to find myfamily.
I was like I've got to get.
I've got to find somebody in myfamily that would take me back.
Speaker 1 (29:56):
Now you mentioned that you actually had to get to
the point to learn to physicallyfight what was going on.
Speaker 2 (30:04):
Yeah.
So, being a rancher, a girlthat grew up around horses and
animals her whole life, beingthrown into a homeless shelter
in Albuquerque with a bunch ofkids that definitely know how to
fight and street savvy, I wasdefinitely the out of place
(30:29):
person.
I stood out like a sore thumbgoing in the shelter, and so my
very first day being introducedthere, I was grabbed by a bunch
of girls.
They threw a sheet over me andbeat the crud out of me, and so
I had to learn immediately howto either sink or swim, and
(30:54):
that's when, if you're notstrong enough to beat them, you
kind of join them.
So I had to fake a lot to makeit, because I was scared.
Speaker 1 (31:07):
Was this a homeless shelter for kids?
Speaker 2 (31:11):
Yes, this was a homeless shelter for troubled
kids.
My dad had found it somewhereand in my book I explain it in
depth.
You know of how my dad and mystepmom had taken me in this
homeless shelter for troubledchildren and they lied and told
(31:35):
them the reason why I'm such abad person is because I caused
my twin sisters to be blind anddisabled.
I have to take the blame fortheir disability.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
I mean, that doesn't even make sense, that that could
be your fault.
Speaker 2 (31:52):
It doesn't, but they bought into it.
I don't know how I mean.
I'll never forget, sittingthere behind you know, my
stepmom and my dad having to nodmy head and say yes, sir, to
the guy that asked me did thatreally happen?
You know, I took the blame forsomething I never did to get out
(32:15):
of a situation I never deserved.
How long were you in thehomeless shelter?
I believe I was there for agood six, seven months, because
I remember Christmas there, six,seven months, because I
remember Christmas there.
I remember the new year cominginto play and then it was around
March or something.
(32:36):
Well, I can't remember, but I'mthinking it was about six
months.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
And still, there really wasn't much schooling
being offered.
Speaker 2 (32:45):
No, no school.
I just you know, in this kindof a shelter you have chores,
you have to have your roomcleaned, you got to help pick up
the bathroom, because all thegirls are on one wing, all the
boys are on another wing.
And then mealtimes and thenthey have, you know, activities
(33:07):
for the kids to do, and thenthat's just kind of what we do.
Speaker 1 (33:13):
You talked about a little bit in some of what you
sent me about bruises not onlystained on your skin but your
soul.
So could you talk a little bitmore about how abuse can
penetrate your soul?
Speaker 2 (33:29):
Talk a little bit more about how abuse can
penetrate your soul.
Abuse can penetrate your soulthe way I look at it.
You're in so much physical andemotional pain that you forget
anything that is enjoyable.
(33:49):
You're just on a daily basis,going to sleep, finding
something to find a reason tosleep and then finding a reason
to want to get up.
Speaker 1 (34:01):
Yeah, you said that your only crime was existing.
Speaker 2 (34:09):
Yes, and I don't take that lightly anymore.
Um, because it it was a verypainful up and down roller
coaster in my childhood, youknow, with my stepmother's abuse
.
She didn't just physically beatme, but she refused to feed me,
(34:32):
love me, nurture me, let me bea part of anything in life that
was enjoyable.
I almost felt like a parasiteto this woman and she called me
horrible names on a daily basis.
And she called me horriblenames on a daily basis and it
(34:56):
took me to such a deep place atsuch a young age that I thought
if I die, I can be with my mom,I can be with my real mom.
And deep down I knew that's sosad.
Speaker 1 (35:08):
Deep down.
Speaker 2 (35:08):
I knew that's so sad, but deep down I knew my mom
wouldn't want me to do that.
I don't want to do that.
I want to live, I want toovercome.
And that's when I was veryyoung.
I was about 12 years old oldwhen I learned I will take every
(35:36):
aspect of this and I will turnit as fuel to get through this.
I will not.
I will not fail, and I still tothis day because I'm I'm human.
You know I still have up anddowns.
I'm not ever going to be ahundred percent, but each day I
have a pitfall, I tell myself Iwill use this as fuel.
I will not give up.
I will overcome.
(35:57):
I cannot quit.
Speaker 1 (36:01):
That is absolutely amazing.
Like I said at the verybeginning of this podcast, I
mean this is a story of strengthand resilience and somebody
that is not giving up.
And I really give it to youbecause you know, as you
mentioned earlier too, aboutgetting married at 19 and
(36:25):
starting a family.
I mean things really got roughfor you again, but you never
gave up.
I mean you're still in the game, you're still giving it your
all.
Today, can you talk more aboutwhat ended up happening after
now?
You're 19,.
You're married and what happens.
Speaker 2 (36:48):
I meet the most beautiful man in my life a
cowboy, cows, horses, ranchingthe mountains in Colorado, and I
melted and I said this is myroots, this is where I'm gonna
go back, I'm gonna be arancher's wife, and I met him
through the area that I wasliving with with my family.
(37:11):
We get married and I attemptonce again to get my high school
diploma and I failed the mathand so, instead of continuing to
finish, I go ahead and I'm like, whatever, I can just be a
rancher's wife.
I can live this way.
(37:31):
Well, I end up pregnant afterwe get married and I have a one
pound, 12 ounce baby girl.
We're up moving cows and I gointo labor.
They hold on to her long enough.
She's born super early, at 28weeks and I go through another
(37:57):
survival, another oh my gosh.
Now I have to learn how to be amom, and so I live in the NICU
with the nurses and them forthree months and learn how to be
a mom.
They teach me everything I needto know and life seemed pretty
okay, even though it was a fearof having a really early child
(38:22):
and not understanding why it wasstill okay.
Well, then it became a control.
Well, you don't need to driveanywhere to go get groceries,
I'll have my dad pick you up.
I did your license or nothing.
You know I learned how to drivetractors, being married, but I
(38:46):
never got my driver's license.
Well, it became a control whereI lived on a beautiful ranch,
in a farm, but I'm fenced in.
I can only go so far, I canonly do so much, and it made me
fight back.
But I fought back in veryunhealthy ways.
You know oh how.
But I fought back in veryunhealthy ways.
(39:07):
You know oh how, fighting withmy fist, breaking things, you
know, having horrible tempertantrums and just losing control
of trying to hold on to things.
Well, I did the back and forththing in my marriage.
I would run away, come back,run away, come back, because
(39:29):
that's kind of what I learned asa young child.
But I was aware of what I wasdoing.
So I took a lot of counseling.
I went to a lot of counselingsessions to learn.
(39:51):
But my marriage, my ex-husbandwould never take the initiative
to go into marriage, counselinghimself or learn new aspects.
It was this way or that way,say sexual things, and I would
go to my husband and I would sayyou have to do something.
I mean, like we're living closeto him.
(40:14):
We even, you know, built acabin up on the family ranch and
here he is hitting on your wifeand it became a lot of
emotional, narcissistic abusethat I did not recognize.
It was a whole new pattern ofabuse that I thought was normal
(40:40):
and even though I knew thingswere wrong, I still thought my
marriage and everything wasnormal enough.
So I, without even recognizing,go into survival of faking it
to make it.
And that's when I had two morechildren and I start perfecting
everything.
I become the amazing baker, thehouse cleaner, running the
(41:06):
tractors, running the farmequipment, helping out, be a
secretary.
For 20 years I tried so hard tobe the best wife, mother,
helpmate possible.
But it kept magnifying andgetting worse and worse.
And when we would argue hewould lock me in doors, in rooms
(41:31):
, closets, bathrooms, he wouldstand in front of the vehicles
and take the keys so that Icouldn't get away and there was
just a constant control, abuse.
And then it got to the pointwhere my mother-in-law and
father-in-law would come andlecture me on how I'm the crazy
(41:54):
person.
Well, after I had enough and Ienough was enough and I stood
out the beautiful ranch housewindow for five hours and said
I've got to go.
And they had.
I was already drinking at thistime.
I put that in my book.
(42:14):
I started to drink to hide thepain and my ex-husband knew that
and he threw me in rehab and hesaid you're going to get some
help.
And I took the blame once again.
But during that moment he hiredan attorney, he filed divorce
and he ripped the kids out of mylife for about three months.
(42:37):
And then I was in the process ofliving at the farm, writing a
book and doing things for myself-help and my self-healing,
and they him and his mother hadtaken my book to the attorney
and said she's crazy.
Here's all the reasons why.
And they used it against me, um, to prove that I was an unfit
(43:00):
mother.
And so I raised a onepound-ounce daughter.
I was the mother thatinteracted at the school.
You know everything brought thecookies, everything.
I always, always was there formy children to one minute being
ripped away from them and kickedoff of the farm and homeless
(43:24):
once again.
And he took everything homelessonce again and he took
everything.
He took the farm, the home, thevehicles, everything we had,
the accounts, you know, and Ihad to start over and that's
been two years ago.
Speaker 1 (43:39):
Oh, it's been only two years since that happened.
Speaker 2 (43:42):
Yes, ma'am, have you seen your kids?
Yes, so I kicked it intoanother gear and I took
everything.
I sold my car, I tookeverything I had in my account
and I hired the best attorney Icould find.
I paid him and I got mychildren back like within three
(44:04):
months oh wow, like within threemonths.
There was no, there was nosolitude evidence of proving I
was a bad mother, unfit person.
They said she's stable, she'ssound, she is not what you guys
are accusing her of.
And they, they got my childrenback and you know it's 50-50 now
(44:25):
.
So I have them every other weekand they do tons of counseling.
They work, you know, with atherapist when I have them that
she has horse therapy.
So I take them because nowthey're dealing with a storm.
Speaker 1 (44:43):
Yeah, so they obviously see your ex and it's a
back and forth between you two.
Speaker 2 (44:49):
Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1 (44:51):
Okay, and the father-in-law.
Speaker 2 (45:07):
Well, he's out of the picture.
Speaker 1 (45:08):
On my side.
I pray that my children are notaround, that you know.
I pray every day.
I try my hardest.
They seem to be doing wonderful.
Okay, how old are they now?
Speaker 2 (45:12):
So an 18-year-old and a 14-year-old and a
nine-year-old.
Speaker 1 (45:17):
Okay, all right.
Wow, I am so sorry that allthis has happened to you.
You know some of the things.
The worst things, the physicalbruises and all those things are
hard to deal with.
That's one thing.
But when you continually getthe things on you that cause
(45:45):
bruises to your soul you knowthe inside things and you had
quite a bit of that and your exthe worst thing that somebody
can do is the gaslighting, thecrazy, making that kind of
feeling where you feel likeyou're the one that's doing
(46:07):
something wrong, like you cansee what's happening but they're
presenting it in a way likeyou're crazy because this isn't
really happening, and that canreally just make you feel crazy.
It really can.
Speaker 2 (46:21):
Oh yeah, it can.
I got to a point where I said Ihave to save myself because all
the material and the greatthings that I'm living with will
come back.
But I'm not going to come backif I keep accepting this pattern
of abuse of, you know, anxiety,adversity.
(46:44):
if I keep following thisdirection, I'm never going to
heal.
What's going to happen to me?
And what kind of a leader, amentor of a mother for my
children am I going to show themif I continue to follow this
path?
And so you know my process ofhealing and becoming a better
(47:06):
self-worth of who I am.
I implemented that five yearsago, but it was crazy how, when
I started to sign up for being aspeaker, writing a book and
doing these things, the peoplethat I thought were beside me
all of the sudden became myenemies and tried all they could
(47:28):
to make sure I didn't succeed.
They had something to say abouteverything, and so again, I'm
using that as fuel to say no,I'm better than this, I can do
this, and so that's when I kindof started.
Writing.
My book was to help myself.
You know it was a self-healingdeal.
(47:50):
I saw the self-authoring dealand I said you know, I'm going
to just try this on my own.
I'm going to startself-authoring, just kind of see
how I can fix myself and getbetter.
And that's when a lot of thepeople that did have problems
were angry at me because I wasgetting better.
Speaker 1 (48:09):
Sure.
Well, you know they say thateverybody in those situations is
sick and so when one person'sgetting better, the rest need to
get better too and everybodyneeds to work together and you
know when people are trying todefine you and keep you at this
(48:32):
point in your life.
But you have really worked onyourself.
You're a different person.
You've.
You know there's a lot ofrecovery that's gone on in your
life and counseling and things,and people sometimes like to
keep people sick and I notreally sure, except that it
benefits them and it has really.
I've come a long way in my life, in my journey, because I've
(48:55):
not allowed other people todefine me, period.
You're just not going to dothat.
You know one of the things thatyou felt that love could be
earned if you were good enough.
Speaker 2 (49:11):
Yeah, I did.
During that marriage of 20years, I had thought after so
long of never just beingaccepted for who I am Like.
You're just an amazing woman,you know.
I just want to get to know youmore.
I never had that.
It was always.
Well, you need to learn how todo this.
(49:32):
I started to go back to when Iwas a child, with my father
working horses and all that If Iearn, if I work hard enough, he
might be proud of me.
Well, I started to see thatwhen we'd go out and work cows
or build fence or something, hewould be so happy and excited
(49:57):
and proud of me.
And so I said, okay, love hasto be earned, it's not, it's not
unconditional, it's conditional.
And so it's not unconditional,it's conditional.
And so that's how I kept going,was I was like, okay, he's
proud of me because I'm helpinghim today.
Oh, now he's taking things awayfrom me.
I must have not worked hardenough.
(50:17):
And so it was this constantback and forth mental game with
me.
To the point my instincts knewno, this ain't right.
This is not love, this is.
No matter how hard I try, thisis not reality.
Autumn, You've got to wake up,shake up and get out, and I did.
Speaker 1 (50:40):
Yeah, at one point in your life I mean this was when
they were younger, I think, butyou worked really hard for them,
your life to be come and appearas if everything was perfect
and you had like this littlehouse on the prairie type of
life.
And I think I mean you couldtell me, did it mean a lot for
(51:01):
you to present in that way?
Speaker 2 (51:05):
It did, because I was seeking validation so much.
I just wanted love, acceptance,validation um, I watch all the
you know beautiful ranchers,wives drive nice vehicles in our
little community community, andtheir children were on top of
(51:27):
it, and I just wanted normal.
What is normal, though?
And to me?
I thought that's what I had tohave in order to be satisfied,
so that was, you know, what Iwent through, but I don't.
I don't regret a lot of mytries, because I taught my
(51:49):
children a lot of values in life.
Speaker 1 (51:52):
I love that.
I absolutely love that.
Speaker 2 (51:57):
And my children are overcomers themselves.
You know, like my 18-year-oldjust signed up for the Marines,
she leaves for basic trainingthis summer.
Year old just signed up for theMarines, she leaves for basic
training this summer.
My middle daughter, she is ahorse woman to the core.
(52:19):
I mean, she wants to be aveterinarian and she's never
changed, she's driven.
And my son, he's a lover and heloves validation.
And my son is a lover and heloves validation.
And so I really, you know, haveopened up my mind with my
healing to pay attention and I'mmore attached to children now
(52:39):
because of it, because I try togo back and I'm like okay, I
remember that feeling, Iremember that fear, I remember
that judgment that adult did tome and so I can really
communicate with childrenbecause of what I've gone
through.
Speaker 1 (52:56):
I'm sure they really respect who you are.
How far?
Speaker 2 (53:00):
how much?
Okay, yeah, I never opened upand told my children very much.
You know, I kind of hid that,you know, to let them know.
But at the same time they knewa little bit.
Speaker 1 (53:17):
Can I ask with everything that you went through
, were you able to love them theway that you had never been?
Speaker 2 (53:25):
Oh yes.
Speaker 1 (53:27):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (53:28):
I tried with every fiber in my body to be the
opposite of what I had to feel.
Now, mind you, I'm only humanand I didn't deal with certain
outbursts.
At times I would scream, I'dyell, they'd witness my temper.
They were like mom, what iswrong with you?
(53:49):
You know they seen thosereactions that I did, but I was
never prideful enough to not sayI'm really sorry that I did
that.
I'm really sorry that I saidthat let's work on this a little
better and please forgive yourmama, because I'm trying with
(54:19):
every fiber in my body to be thebest mom I can and I would.
You know, one step forward,three steps back kind of
situation Learning how to be amom without having a mom.
I would read books like crazy.
You know, okay, this new parentguide.
I always tried to seek out aneducation as hard as I could,
(54:39):
even though I didn't have one,and I was never afraid to ask
for help you know, okay, that'skey, that's really important.
It is yeah.
Speaker 1 (54:50):
But the more that you asked for help or worked on
yourself, you said that you werelooked at as being selfish.
Speaker 2 (54:59):
Yes, I was my sister.
All my relatives on myex-husband's side judged me so
hard.
It was almost to the pointwhere they're here and I want to
be here, but they'll bring youdown.
So they're always right hereand they don't see above and
(55:22):
beyond.
I'm not a logic, scientificthinker.
I'm a dreamer.
I'm a person that's full ofemotions and because of that I
believe that's where I'm attoday.
And they didn't like that.
Being married to a rancher,cattle people, farmers they're
(55:44):
very logic, they're veryscientific minded.
Well, farmers, they're verylogic, they're very scientific
minded.
And they don't see what I'mseeing.
They think, oh, that don't makeno sense.
I mean, like you got to do itthis way.
Or they would tell me a lotWell, you're either born with it
or you'll never have it, or youknow, I was told no offense,
(56:08):
but because of your past you'renever going to be where we're at
in life.
And so I was told a lot ofcriticism just because of my
upbringing.
I was judged heavily because ofthat.
Speaker 1 (56:23):
It was almost like people were just expecting you
to fail.
Speaker 2 (56:26):
Right and I got used and comfortable to failing
because I didn't know what I wascapable of doing.
I only knew what I was capableof being accepted to do and I
would never cross that boundaryof trying to become even more
because I was afraid of judgment, of trying to become even more
because I was afraid of judgment.
Speaker 1 (56:47):
Well, you had a lot of invisible things going on
inside of you, but one of thebiggest things, I think, was
that gift that you talked about.
I mean, what saved you?
Speaker 2 (56:58):
A lot of things saved me, but the key note is faith.
I had so much faith that I'mgoing to overcome this.
My Heavenly Father, my God inheaven, is my reason.
Speaker 1 (57:15):
This is the end of part one with Autumn Star
Canterbury.
This is more than just a story.
It's a testimony, a journey ofpain, yes, but more than that,
it's profound endurance.
Autumn Star Canterbury hasshown us that you can be traded
like you're worth nothing andstill grow.
To realize your worth isimmeasurable.
That you can be tossed asideand still rise strong and
(57:38):
unshaken.
Her words they cut deep.
Her strength it radiates.
And her message it's a call toevery soul who's ever been told
they aren't enough, that they'renot worth anything.
You are not what happened toyou.
You are who you choose tobecome.
In the aftermath, autumn didn'tjust survive.
She galloped forward like thevery horse she was once traded
(58:02):
for, with a will that refused todie, she redefined herself,
reclaimed her story andcontinues to fight, not just for
herself, but for others whoneed hope.
So if you've been walkingthrough your own fire, if you've
been silenced, overlooked orstripped of your own worth, this
is your reminder.
You are still here and thatmeans your story isn't over yet.
(58:23):
To Autumn, thank you.
Thank you for showing us whatreal resilience looks like.
You are a light in the darknessand we are so grateful For our
listeners.
Please share this episode withsomeone who needs to hear it.
If you or someone you know hasexperienced trauma, we'll
include resources in the shownotes.
You are not alone.
Until next time, be gentle withyour healing and remember that
(58:46):
there's purpose in the pain andthere's hope in the journey.
Next week will be part two.
This is Real Talk with Tina andAnne, and we'll see you real
soon.
Welcome to Real Talk with Tina and Anne.
I am Anne, and before we divein, I want to say this While
today's story includesunimaginable pain, it is not
defined by tragedy.
It is a story of resilience, ofstrength born from suffering
and of a spirit that refused tobreak.
(00:29):
Today's guest is Autumn StarrCanterbury, and I am honored to
have you on today.
Thank you so much for joiningus.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
It's an honor to be here.
I'm so excited to meet you guys.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
Now, this might seem like an unusual place to begin,
but I read your story and I haveto start here because it
stopped me in my tracks.
I mean, I just want to say youwere given away by your family
with a horse and let me just saythis again, you were given away
without any warning and I can'teven imagine where that sits
(01:07):
with you.
But that moment alone says somuch about the rest of your
story, your childhood and thelevel of instability and
heartbreak that you endured.
And yet all that you reallylonged for, all that you really
wanted, is what most peoplewould want, and that's love.
(01:28):
To our listeners, thisconversation will move you,
challenge you and remind youjust how powerful the human
spirit can be.
Autumn.
Your story matters and you willbe heard.
Let's begin where it allstarted, because I think this is
one of the most importantthings.
The loss of innocence is thehardest place.
(01:53):
A lifetime of hardship is awful, but I think that there's a
place where innocence is lost,and in that very moment is where
this story begins, and youwrote me the words.
Before the storms of life raged, before the battles of survival
became my reality, there was atime of innocence.
(02:15):
My childhood held glimpses offreedom, moments of untamed joy.
Yet lurking beneath the surfacewas the inevitable struggle
that would shape me into who Iam today, that moment when the
life you knew was ripped fromyou and is forever etched in
your soul as that last time thatyou felt safe.
(02:37):
Can you tell me more aboutbefore and that moment that
divided time for you?
Speaker 2 (02:45):
Yeah, that moment in time that really divided me.
I was 10 years old.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
And it was my mother's death.
She had fallen off of a horseand she crushed her skull.
I have witnessed an accident,her school.
I have witnessed an accidentand that moment is really what
started to diverse me away fromkind of, I would say, reality of
(03:13):
fun and childhood.
You know, glamour, excitement,things that kept me, you know,
as a child that went away at 10years old.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
Okay, so I just want to tell you, you know, my dad
died when I was 11.
Not in a way that was asgraphic as that, but it was in a
moment of time where thingswere really great for me, just
like what you were talking about.
I mean, you were living on abuffalo ranch and things seemed
(03:44):
pretty wonderful at that time.
It sounded like, and then in aninstant your entire life
changes, so maybe you could talkmore about what it was kind of
like right before and right wheneverything changed for you.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
Yeah, totally so.
My parents.
When I first was born, theystarted off working at a Buffalo
ranch in Colorado and theyworked for the ambassador of
Austria and it was really awonderful home.
We had order, we hadorganization.
Home, we had order, we hadorganization.
(04:28):
That's where I first startedgoing to school.
At five years old, my mom anddad were together and everything
seemed to be really put inplace.
Well, from what I did notunderstand, my dad was what I
call a silent alcoholic.
I had no idea that he was adrinker.
And my mom and my dad, theyargued a lot, they fought a lot
(04:52):
and then my dad had ended upleaving the Buffalo Ranch, had a
really bad accident and severalof the buffalo got killed on
the highway from a snowstorm.
Several of the buffalo gotkilled on the highway from a
snowstorm and through thatprocess, my parents had to leave
(05:15):
the buffalo ranch and they weretransferred to a cattle ranch a
couple miles from there.
So they worked on the cattleranch but the fighting continued
.
It kind of magnified, and I wasaround six years old when that
all occurred.
Well, I had left the cattleranch, leaving my mom at this
place alone to take care of theplace.
I don't know where he went.
(05:36):
He just up and disappeared.
And then my mom had met thisother man and he started to come
help.
But he was a horrible alcoholic.
Drinking with my mom OnChristmas Eve he attempted to
try to kill her.
My mom left me with my aunt andmy uncle and we stayed there
(06:01):
while she went.
She ended up going to NewMexico to find my father.
My father was working at theracetracks in Albuquerque, new
Mexico.
He was a farrier working there.
My mom jumped in to help Duringthat process.
My mom was going to rehab.
I didn't know my father was analcoholic going to rehab.
(06:28):
I didn't know my father was analcoholic and it was actually
the day that we brought her homefrom rehab.
She jumped on her horse at theranch we were living and three
runs around the track and thehorse tripped and she flew and
hit the starting gates.
Oh my, there was a lot of a lotof shambling on before that.
(06:51):
I learned how to survive backand forth with you know the
adversity of where's dad.
Now, all of a sudden, we're nottogether anymore.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
Now, all of a sudden, I'm not running around the barn
chasing the cats and feedingthe buffalo with my father,
right, yeah, you had made acomment that the moment that you
took your first breath,adversity stood at your doorstep
ready to test your spirit.
It sounds like that you had alot going on from the very
beginning, like you just alwayswere having to adjust and pivot
(07:28):
and figure it out, even thoughyou were so small.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
Correct.
Yes, I did.
Speaker 1 (07:33):
When your mother went back to your dad, you said
there was some drinking, and youreally didn't even know that.
But you said that the drinkingbecame the bitter lullaby that
rocked you through the sleeplessnights of uncertainty.
What did that mean?
Speaker 2 (07:52):
So what that means is my mother became an habitual
alcoholic herself and my fatherI was unaware of it that he was,
you know, going behind the bar,the you know the barns, and
drinking and but my mother, shewas drinking constantly.
You know, we lived anywherethere was alcohol basically, and
(08:18):
that was just kind of what Iknew at a very young age was
alcoholism is the way adultsdeal with their problems.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
You did say and I found this very interesting
because I grew up in a householdthat was this very same thing,
where I believed that after mydad passed away, there was a lot
that happened.
There was a lot of abuse thathappened and my mom spent the
rest of our lives running fromsomething unseen.
And you actually made thatstatement to me.
You said that you know yourfamily was running from
(08:52):
something unseen.
How did you know that?
How did you feel that?
Speaker 2 (08:55):
Well, I kind of knew a little bit in the back of my
mind as a young child, becausein the beginning of the Buffalo
Ranch we got on the school bus,we went to school, we had
stability, we had structure, wehad order, you know.
We had meals, we prayed at thedinner table.
We did a lot of things togetherin the short time of childhood
(09:21):
and it seemed to me, you know,as a child you're, you're
wondering well, why can't I goplay sports with the other kids?
You know, why are my parentsarguing all the time?
But yet that family over therelooks so well put together.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
Okay, so you were aware, okay.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
Yeah, so the the unseen, like chasing the unseen
to me in a way.
I look at it as because myparents were very talented but
they were never satisfied, andso they were always going
somewhere, thinking somethingwas better.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
Oh, wow, okay, that is really sad.
And trying to be satisfied, tolive right where you are to be
present, where you are to behappy, right where you are to be
present, where you are to behappy, right where you are.
I think that that's the mostbeautiful place to be, and it's
really sad when people arereally searching.
(10:16):
They're constantly searchingfor something, even though
happiness is right in front ofthem.
Speaker 2 (10:22):
Right it is.
And when you're young, you knowyour mind thinks of the little
things that become big importantthings.
You know we always go back tothose little moments of being
home and just having a mealtogether as a family means a lot
.
So I was definitely aware ofthose structures but I knew I
(10:44):
just I was out of control ofhaving them.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
Yeah, you said also, a child burdened with grief is
too heavy to bear.
You know that to me is where Ilived, I would say the majority
of my life after I was 11 yearsold when my dad passed away.
You know a child that feelssuch heavy grief for years.
I think it's just too much forchildren to bear.
(11:11):
It really deeply affects whothey are.
How would you say that carryingthat grief throughout the rest
of your childhood affected youand even in school and
relationships and everything Imean?
How do you think it affectedyou?
Speaker 2 (11:27):
Well, it affected me, and impacted me as who I am
immensely, because I totally,when I witnessed my mother's
death, I didn't focus at all onmy education.
But very, very shortly afterthat death, my father completely
(11:51):
quit taking me to school.
I worked on the ranch, I workedhorses, I was a workhorse.
So what really impacted me wasfear.
I learned how to live in fearall the time like yes sir, yes
ma'am, yes sir to everything andeveryone, and I lost my own
(12:11):
confidence of who I was becauseof those patterns.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
Grief, fear.
Those things are soencompassing and when they're in
you there is hardly any roomfor anything else.
I mean, it's hard to let thelove in the joy in when
especially when you're so youngand you're always waiting for
(12:38):
something else to happen.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
Yeah, you kind of put in first gear how to survive.
All right, I've got to getthrough this.
How much longer you start todisconnect from things of feel,
love, excitement?
I lost birthdays, I lostholidays.
(13:00):
You know, christmas,thanksgiving, a lot of it was
just gone.
Speaker 1 (13:06):
Did anybody notice that you weren't in school?
Speaker 2 (13:09):
It was back and forth .
We had social services show upa time or two, but I was
threatened.
You know, if you say anything Iwill kill you, you will keep
your mouth shut.
And so you learn fear at a veryyoung age.
My father could not.
You know, I have to gobacktrack a little bit here,
because my father was a verytalented person.
(13:31):
He was a horse trainer, afarrier, an artist.
He was a cowboy through andthrough and he cherished me and
my sister when we were veryyoung.
But after my mom's death itseemed like he didn't handle
things very well and that's whenthe abuse really came into play
(13:51):
.
And then I was introduced to mystepmother, which was the
massive corporate of my abuse.
Speaker 1 (14:00):
Yeah, if you could talk more about your stepmom,
because it seemed like thingsreally got a lot worse after she
came into your life.
Speaker 2 (14:09):
Yeah, so it was something like six months after
my mom had died.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
Six months.
Speaker 2 (14:15):
Not very long and my dad had introduced us to a woman
and she hung out a little bit.
She seemed okay but my guts,you know, I'm not ready to have
another mom.
I don't want somebody, you know, bombarding our family.
But I accepted it and she movedin.
(14:36):
My father had bought 80 acresout in the middle of nowhere in
New Mexico and started puttinghorses on there, and we lived on
that property in a tent for awhile and she always seemed very
jealous of the fact that my dadwas close to me and so she
(14:57):
would argue a lot.
She would cause a lot ofconflict and moving forward in
the years, and moving forward inthe years, it became abuse to
the point where I was notallowed to eat.
She would feed me one time outof the day, if that.
She had two twin daughters.
They were both disabled andblind and she blamed me for
(15:20):
their disability.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
Were they with your father or before?
Speaker 2 (15:25):
Yeah, they were my sisters with this new woman, but
they kind of took place of meand my sister and me and my
sister kind of started todisappear from having a family.
We became the workers.
We chopped weeds, we cleanedhorse pens, we watered horses.
(15:46):
We worked day in, day out, dayin, day out.
We had to earn our food andthen after a time we were no
longer allowed to eat.
So I lived on horse feed, Ilived on grain alfalfa whatever
I could find.
I lived on grain alfalfa,whatever I could find.
And then, with the socialservices coming in and out from
(16:07):
school, he would put us inschool for a bit, but then we'd
be back home and so there was alot of questions in there.
But he seemed to do really goodat putting us in just long
enough to keep us out of troublewith the services.
But I didn't focus in school.
I didn't know how, you know Ijust I was so far behind by then
(16:31):
.
Speaker 1 (16:32):
Well, you know, if things are not in place at home,
it's really hard for a child tobe able to pay attention and
learn in school period.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
Yes, oh yeah, you can't focus.
You know when you're goingthrough any kind of heavy trauma
as a child.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
Yeah, Now this is about when, and I'm not sure
what was going on with yourfamily at the time when your dad
got to the point that it did.
Maybe that you could talk moreabout that.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
So I was about 14 and a half I believe I was
somewhere in that age and wewere working at the ranch.
My dad had somewhere along 100head of horses that he was
training for other people andferrying, and I remember it was
monsoon season cause it wasraining really hard.
(17:27):
Driveway and parks in front ofthe house and they're talking
(17:48):
and I assumed it was some cowboythat my dad had knew from a
long time ago, but I didn't knowwho he was.
And well, anyway, my fathergoes up to the horse pen where
I'm working and he says you'regoing to go with this man.
He's going to need you to helpclean his house and take care of
things.
So go, get your jacket and loadup in the truck.
(18:11):
And so they did some talkingand I jumped in the truck,
didn't know who this man was,and they loaded up this Mustang
that this guy supposedly neededfor the feedlot that he was
working at and we hauled off toTexas and my dad never said
goodbye, nothing, neverexplained anything.
(18:33):
I just stared out that windowas it's raining the whole way to
Texas and I was hungry, I wasscared, I was petrified actually
.
So I never said a word.
And he pulls over at a gasstation and buys me a soda pop
and a candy bar and I tell himthank you, and um, we end up in
(18:53):
Demet, texas, and we dropped thehorse off at the feedlot.
Well, long story short, this Ihad to adapt once again to a new
environment, a new person, anew situation and I'm just going
with the flow.
I'm 14 and a half somewhere inthere and I'm not in school.
(19:14):
I have no education, but I'mjust kind of roaming and hanging
out cleaning this house.
Well, it turned out where someother cowboy and his wife knew
this cowboy I'm living with andwe go to have dinner with them
and stuff.
And they start telling me areyou doing all right, autumn?
And I'm like, yeah, I'm doingjust fine.
(19:36):
And they said well, we'reworried about you, hon, because
he's going around work sayingthat you're his girlfriend, hun,
because he's going around worksaying that you're his
girlfriend.
And so I got a little nervous,but I, you know my instincts
kick in and I pay attention andI kind of go with the flow
because I got no other choice.
And time progresses and hestarts to flirt, and then he
(20:01):
starts to flirt, and then hestarts to touch me a lot more,
and so I immediately knew thewarning signs and I ran to the
friend's house that had informedme of this and I told him what
he was about ready to do, andthey immediately, you know, took
(20:22):
me to the sheriff's office toget me out of that situation.
But the situation was goingback to my dad and my stepmom,
and so they came to Texas thatnight, picked me up and just
beat the crud out of me, tellingme I was a liar.
Crud out of me, telling me Iwas a liar.
(20:43):
How could I accuse a man ofsuch a thing?
I had just started, you know,developing and had my first
menstrual cycle and I developedan infection and my father
kicked all of the antibioticsthat the doctors had given me
out the window and he saidyou're a liar and you will be
(21:04):
punished for what you have done.
And that's when the beatings gotworse, the meals got way less
and I was placed on a centerblock in the backyard for three
months for punishment andeverything that I owned, my
mother's belongings andeverything were burnt to the
(21:25):
ground and I slept in a floorwith nothing but a blanket.
You know, that was it on thefloor and then I was out every
morning before the sun came up,sitting on this block, and then
every night it just depended,you know, 11, 2 o'clock in the
morning in my room to sleep andthen back out and I got to the
(21:51):
point where I was so angry Iwould steal food, you know.
I just didn't care, I washungry, I had to survive.
And I sat there on the centerblock one evening and my father
had said we're going to take yousomewhere where you can get
some help.
And it was about two hoursafter he had informed me of that
(22:13):
and he drove me all the way toAlbuquerque, new Mexico, and
dropped me off at a homelessshelter and I have never seen
him since.
Speaker 1 (22:23):
Really yes.
Have you heard anything abouthim or anything Like how he's
doing?
Speaker 2 (22:33):
I've heard in and out .
You know he's somewhere workingat railroads.
He's still bouncing and stilltrying to chase whatever is
unknown or unseen.
I don't know if he's any longerwith my evil stepmom.
I don't know if he's any longerwith my evil stepmom.
I do know that one of my twinhalf-sisters had passed away at
(22:56):
age 19, and I do not know wherethe other one is or what she's
doing.
Speaker 1 (23:01):
But yeah, so you never got the chance to ask your
dad what the heck, why did yougive me away Not once, but twice
?
I mean, that would be, I think,a question I would want to know
the answer to, because, I mean,you were just a child.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
Yes, I have been curious, you know, I have wanted
to know why.
But at the same time I've hadto move forward and find that's.
You know where the silent giftof my book comes into play is.
I've had to walk by faith mywhole life and believe in that.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
The other part of that is, though, in a way you
know it, you wouldn't want tolive in a place like that.
You know, I mean, it would havebeen.
It would have been likebittersweet, you know, kind of
glad that you're not maybegetting that abuse.
But yet you know, the unknownsometimes can be the scariest
(24:09):
part, and it never, it seemslike it never felt like you
really were able to find thatlove that you needed.
Now you at some point did golooking for your biological
family, correct?
Speaker 2 (24:27):
Well, I did family correct.
Well, I did.
I was in the homeless shelterfor a while and then they had
placed me in foster care and Ilived in a couple different
family with a couple differentfamilies.
And then I was about, well, Iwas 16 years old and I got
(24:48):
myself a job working at anursing home because I found
love there.
A lot of grandparents, you know, they just put me in and I
worked super hard, I loved itand then at nighttime I would
walk to the college to get GDclasses at 16.
(25:13):
But I was so far behind in myeducation I didn't even really
know where to begin, but I stillI tried.
Well, during that time I wenton people search, you know, to
look for my mom's brother, myuncle that was living in
Colorado, and I found him unclethat was living in Colorado, and
I found him and I called himright away and, of course,
(25:38):
because he had known nowherewhere I was at my dad, you know,
totally disconnected from everyone.
Um, they came all the way toAlbuquerque to pick me up and
hauled me back to Colorado andtried to put me back into school
.
They flooded me with love, youknow.
They just oh, that's so great,they were amazing.
They tried so hard to help me.
(26:01):
You know heal but we didn'ttalk about the things that had
happened, we just tried to workon moving forward.
Well, I tried to go to schoolonce again, but I was so far
behind on credits and justdidn't understand just some of
the basic terminology of anyeducation really.
(26:24):
So I ended up dropping out.
And that's when I decided, well, maybe I'm going to sign up for
the Navy.
And I went ahead and tried tobecome a US Naval Sea Cadet for
the Corps so that I could, youknow, get, get some education
(26:45):
and have some stability and havesome stability.
But they said you need to getyour high school education,
sweetheart, in order to make itthis far.
I quit because I didn't knowwhere to find help.
And that's when I started tolook towards finding love and
(27:07):
affection through a family and Iwas like, well, maybe I need to
get married and have children.
And so I met a rancher and, ofcourse, we didn't hesitate at
all or take any time getting toknow each other.
We jumped right in at 19 yearsold, in at 19 years old, and I
(27:34):
wanted to have a family and havea perfect, you know little
house on the prairie life.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
Yeah, I mean, I would think that at that point in
your life you had not, exceptfor the little bit of time that
you did get to know love, whichI'm so glad that you got to
understand and feel that foreven a short period of time.
I mean that just that's such ablessing.
I didn't realize that youactually had experienced that.
(28:01):
Could you tell me a little bitmore about the foster care
system and how that went for you?
I mean, were you in more thanone home?
Were you in different ones?
I mean, how was that?
Speaker 2 (28:16):
So I was in two Okay, and I lived with the most
beautiful African-Americanfamily.
They took me in, they hauled meto church, we did activities
together.
My foster mom had four children, they were all boys.
(28:36):
We played basketball together.
I went from in the sheltertrying to fight and survive,
because there were likegangsters in there and they'd
beat you up to living with aBlack family, learning their
ways, and it was so wonderful.
But something happened there andI had to be moved into a
(28:59):
different foster home.
It was due to my father.
He was forging money that wewere still living with him for
the Social Security money of mymother, that we were still
living with him for the socialsecurity money of my mother, and
so he had threatened the familyand they had to place me in a
different home.
And then I lived with anotherlady and she was wonderful.
(29:21):
She was so passionate andloving and caring, so I had that
as well again.
But she had a lot of turmoil inher home, um, and her husband
(29:42):
later on ended up committingsuicide, um, so there was a lot
of family turmoil there and thatwas kind of my moment when I
did people search to find myfamily.
I was like I've got to get.
I've got to find somebody in myfamily that would take me back.
Speaker 1 (29:56):
Now you mentioned that you actually had to get to
the point to learn to physicallyfight what was going on.
Speaker 2 (30:04):
Yeah.
So, being a rancher, a girlthat grew up around horses and
animals her whole life, beingthrown into a homeless shelter
in Albuquerque with a bunch ofkids that definitely know how to
fight and street savvy, I wasdefinitely the out of place
(30:29):
person.
I stood out like a sore thumbgoing in the shelter, and so my
very first day being introducedthere, I was grabbed by a bunch
of girls.
They threw a sheet over me andbeat the crud out of me, and so
I had to learn immediately howto either sink or swim, and
(30:54):
that's when, if you're notstrong enough to beat them, you
kind of join them.
So I had to fake a lot to makeit, because I was scared.
Speaker 1 (31:07):
Was this a homeless shelter for kids?
Speaker 2 (31:11):
Yes, this was a homeless shelter for troubled
kids.
My dad had found it somewhereand in my book I explain it in
depth.
You know of how my dad and mystepmom had taken me in this
homeless shelter for troubledchildren and they lied and told
(31:35):
them the reason why I'm such abad person is because I caused
my twin sisters to be blind anddisabled.
I have to take the blame fortheir disability.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
I mean, that doesn't even make sense, that that could
be your fault.
Speaker 2 (31:52):
It doesn't, but they bought into it.
I don't know how I mean.
I'll never forget, sittingthere behind you know, my
stepmom and my dad having to nodmy head and say yes, sir, to
the guy that asked me did thatreally happen?
You know, I took the blame forsomething I never did to get out
(32:15):
of a situation I never deserved.
How long were you in thehomeless shelter?
I believe I was there for agood six, seven months, because
I remember Christmas there, six,seven months, because I
remember Christmas there.
I remember the new year cominginto play and then it was around
March or something.
(32:36):
Well, I can't remember, but I'mthinking it was about six
months.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
And still, there really wasn't much schooling
being offered.
Speaker 2 (32:45):
No, no school.
I just you know, in this kindof a shelter you have chores,
you have to have your roomcleaned, you got to help pick up
the bathroom, because all thegirls are on one wing, all the
boys are on another wing.
And then mealtimes and thenthey have, you know, activities
(33:07):
for the kids to do, and thenthat's just kind of what we do.
Speaker 1 (33:13):
You talked about a little bit in some of what you
sent me about bruises not onlystained on your skin but your
soul.
So could you talk a little bitmore about how abuse can
penetrate your soul?
Speaker 2 (33:29):
Talk a little bit more about how abuse can
penetrate your soul.
Abuse can penetrate your soulthe way I look at it.
You're in so much physical andemotional pain that you forget
anything that is enjoyable.
(33:49):
You're just on a daily basis,going to sleep, finding
something to find a reason tosleep and then finding a reason
to want to get up.
Speaker 1 (34:01):
Yeah, you said that your only crime was existing.
Speaker 2 (34:09):
Yes, and I don't take that lightly anymore.
Um, because it it was a verypainful up and down roller
coaster in my childhood, youknow, with my stepmother's abuse
.
She didn't just physically beatme, but she refused to feed me,
(34:32):
love me, nurture me, let me bea part of anything in life that
was enjoyable.
I almost felt like a parasiteto this woman and she called me
horrible names on a daily basis.
And she called me horriblenames on a daily basis and it
(34:56):
took me to such a deep place atsuch a young age that I thought
if I die, I can be with my mom,I can be with my real mom.
And deep down I knew that's sosad.
Speaker 1 (35:08):
Deep down.
Speaker 2 (35:08):
I knew that's so sad, but deep down I knew my mom
wouldn't want me to do that.
I don't want to do that.
I want to live, I want toovercome.
And that's when I was veryyoung.
I was about 12 years old oldwhen I learned I will take every
(35:36):
aspect of this and I will turnit as fuel to get through this.
I will not.
I will not fail, and I still tothis day because I'm I'm human.
You know I still have up anddowns.
I'm not ever going to be ahundred percent, but each day I
have a pitfall, I tell myself Iwill use this as fuel.
I will not give up.
I will overcome.
(35:57):
I cannot quit.
Speaker 1 (36:01):
That is absolutely amazing.
Like I said at the verybeginning of this podcast, I
mean this is a story of strengthand resilience and somebody
that is not giving up.
And I really give it to youbecause you know, as you
mentioned earlier too, aboutgetting married at 19 and
(36:25):
starting a family.
I mean things really got roughfor you again, but you never
gave up.
I mean you're still in the game, you're still giving it your
all.
Today, can you talk more aboutwhat ended up happening after
now?
You're 19,.
You're married and what happens.
Speaker 2 (36:48):
I meet the most beautiful man in my life a
cowboy, cows, horses, ranchingthe mountains in Colorado, and I
melted and I said this is myroots, this is where I'm gonna
go back, I'm gonna be arancher's wife, and I met him
through the area that I wasliving with with my family.
(37:11):
We get married and I attemptonce again to get my high school
diploma and I failed the mathand so, instead of continuing to
finish, I go ahead and I'm like, whatever, I can just be a
rancher's wife.
I can live this way.
(37:31):
Well, I end up pregnant afterwe get married and I have a one
pound, 12 ounce baby girl.
We're up moving cows and I gointo labor.
They hold on to her long enough.
She's born super early, at 28weeks and I go through another
(37:57):
survival, another oh my gosh.
Now I have to learn how to be amom, and so I live in the NICU
with the nurses and them forthree months and learn how to be
a mom.
They teach me everything I needto know and life seemed pretty
okay, even though it was a fearof having a really early child
(38:22):
and not understanding why it wasstill okay.
Well, then it became a control.
Well, you don't need to driveanywhere to go get groceries,
I'll have my dad pick you up.
I did your license or nothing.
You know I learned how to drivetractors, being married, but I
(38:46):
never got my driver's license.
Well, it became a control whereI lived on a beautiful ranch,
in a farm, but I'm fenced in.
I can only go so far, I canonly do so much, and it made me
fight back.
But I fought back in veryunhealthy ways.
You know oh how.
But I fought back in veryunhealthy ways.
(39:07):
You know oh how, fighting withmy fist, breaking things, you
know, having horrible tempertantrums and just losing control
of trying to hold on to things.
Well, I did the back and forththing in my marriage.
I would run away, come back,run away, come back, because
(39:29):
that's kind of what I learned asa young child.
But I was aware of what I wasdoing.
So I took a lot of counseling.
I went to a lot of counselingsessions to learn.
(39:51):
But my marriage, my ex-husbandwould never take the initiative
to go into marriage, counselinghimself or learn new aspects.
It was this way or that way,say sexual things, and I would
go to my husband and I would sayyou have to do something.
I mean, like we're living closeto him.
(40:14):
We even, you know, built acabin up on the family ranch and
here he is hitting on your wifeand it became a lot of
emotional, narcissistic abusethat I did not recognize.
It was a whole new pattern ofabuse that I thought was normal
(40:40):
and even though I knew thingswere wrong, I still thought my
marriage and everything wasnormal enough.
So I, without even recognizing,go into survival of faking it
to make it.
And that's when I had two morechildren and I start perfecting
everything.
I become the amazing baker, thehouse cleaner, running the
(41:06):
tractors, running the farmequipment, helping out, be a
secretary.
For 20 years I tried so hard tobe the best wife, mother,
helpmate possible.
But it kept magnifying andgetting worse and worse.
And when we would argue hewould lock me in doors, in rooms
(41:31):
, closets, bathrooms, he wouldstand in front of the vehicles
and take the keys so that Icouldn't get away and there was
just a constant control, abuse.
And then it got to the pointwhere my mother-in-law and
father-in-law would come andlecture me on how I'm the crazy
(41:54):
person.
Well, after I had enough and Ienough was enough and I stood
out the beautiful ranch housewindow for five hours and said
I've got to go.
And they had.
I was already drinking at thistime.
I put that in my book.
(42:14):
I started to drink to hide thepain and my ex-husband knew that
and he threw me in rehab and hesaid you're going to get some
help.
And I took the blame once again.
But during that moment he hiredan attorney, he filed divorce
and he ripped the kids out of mylife for about three months.
(42:37):
And then I was in the process ofliving at the farm, writing a
book and doing things for myself-help and my self-healing,
and they him and his mother hadtaken my book to the attorney
and said she's crazy.
Here's all the reasons why.
And they used it against me, um, to prove that I was an unfit
(43:00):
mother.
And so I raised a onepound-ounce daughter.
I was the mother thatinteracted at the school.
You know everything brought thecookies, everything.
I always, always was there formy children to one minute being
ripped away from them and kickedoff of the farm and homeless
(43:24):
once again.
And he took everything homelessonce again and he took
everything.
He took the farm, the home, thevehicles, everything we had,
the accounts, you know, and Ihad to start over and that's
been two years ago.
Speaker 1 (43:39):
Oh, it's been only two years since that happened.
Speaker 2 (43:42):
Yes, ma'am, have you seen your kids?
Yes, so I kicked it intoanother gear and I took
everything.
I sold my car, I tookeverything I had in my account
and I hired the best attorney Icould find.
I paid him and I got mychildren back like within three
(44:04):
months oh wow, like within threemonths.
There was no, there was nosolitude evidence of proving I
was a bad mother, unfit person.
They said she's stable, she'ssound, she is not what you guys
are accusing her of.
And they, they got my childrenback and you know it's 50-50 now
(44:25):
.
So I have them every other weekand they do tons of counseling.
They work, you know, with atherapist when I have them that
she has horse therapy.
So I take them because nowthey're dealing with a storm.
Speaker 1 (44:43):
Yeah, so they obviously see your ex and it's a
back and forth between you two.
Speaker 2 (44:49):
Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1 (44:51):
Okay, and the father-in-law.
Speaker 2 (45:07):
Well, he's out of the picture.
Speaker 1 (45:08):
On my side.
I pray that my children are notaround, that you know.
I pray every day.
I try my hardest.
They seem to be doing wonderful.
Okay, how old are they now?
Speaker 2 (45:12):
So an 18-year-old and a 14-year-old and a
nine-year-old.
Speaker 1 (45:17):
Okay, all right.
Wow, I am so sorry that allthis has happened to you.
You know some of the things.
The worst things, the physicalbruises and all those things are
hard to deal with.
That's one thing.
But when you continually getthe things on you that cause
(45:45):
bruises to your soul you knowthe inside things and you had
quite a bit of that and your exthe worst thing that somebody
can do is the gaslighting, thecrazy, making that kind of
feeling where you feel likeyou're the one that's doing
(46:07):
something wrong, like you cansee what's happening but they're
presenting it in a way likeyou're crazy because this isn't
really happening, and that canreally just make you feel crazy.
It really can.
Speaker 2 (46:21):
Oh yeah, it can.
I got to a point where I said Ihave to save myself because all
the material and the greatthings that I'm living with will
come back.
But I'm not going to come backif I keep accepting this pattern
of abuse of, you know, anxiety,adversity.
(46:44):
if I keep following thisdirection, I'm never going to
heal.
What's going to happen to me?
And what kind of a leader, amentor of a mother for my
children am I going to show themif I continue to follow this
path?
And so you know my process ofhealing and becoming a better
(47:06):
self-worth of who I am.
I implemented that five yearsago, but it was crazy how, when
I started to sign up for being aspeaker, writing a book and
doing these things, the peoplethat I thought were beside me
all of the sudden became myenemies and tried all they could
(47:28):
to make sure I didn't succeed.
They had something to say abouteverything, and so again, I'm
using that as fuel to say no,I'm better than this, I can do
this, and so that's when I kindof started.
Writing.
My book was to help myself.
You know it was a self-healingdeal.
(47:50):
I saw the self-authoring dealand I said you know, I'm going
to just try this on my own.
I'm going to startself-authoring, just kind of see
how I can fix myself and getbetter.
And that's when a lot of thepeople that did have problems
were angry at me because I wasgetting better.
Speaker 1 (48:09):
Sure.
Well, you know they say thateverybody in those situations is
sick and so when one person'sgetting better, the rest need to
get better too and everybodyneeds to work together and you
know when people are trying todefine you and keep you at this
(48:32):
point in your life.
But you have really worked onyourself.
You're a different person.
You've.
You know there's a lot ofrecovery that's gone on in your
life and counseling and things,and people sometimes like to
keep people sick and I notreally sure, except that it
benefits them and it has really.
I've come a long way in my life, in my journey, because I've
(48:55):
not allowed other people todefine me, period.
You're just not going to dothat.
You know one of the things thatyou felt that love could be
earned if you were good enough.
Speaker 2 (49:11):
Yeah, I did.
During that marriage of 20years, I had thought after so
long of never just beingaccepted for who I am Like.
You're just an amazing woman,you know.
I just want to get to know youmore.
I never had that.
It was always.
Well, you need to learn how todo this.
(49:32):
I started to go back to when Iwas a child, with my father
working horses and all that If Iearn, if I work hard enough, he
might be proud of me.
Well, I started to see thatwhen we'd go out and work cows
or build fence or something, hewould be so happy and excited
(49:57):
and proud of me.
And so I said, okay, love hasto be earned, it's not, it's not
unconditional, it's conditional.
And so it's not unconditional,it's conditional.
And so that's how I kept going,was I was like, okay, he's
proud of me because I'm helpinghim today.
Oh, now he's taking things awayfrom me.
I must have not worked hardenough.
(50:17):
And so it was this constantback and forth mental game with
me.
To the point my instincts knewno, this ain't right.
This is not love, this is.
No matter how hard I try, thisis not reality.
Autumn, You've got to wake up,shake up and get out, and I did.
Speaker 1 (50:40):
Yeah, at one point in your life I mean this was when
they were younger, I think, butyou worked really hard for them,
your life to be come and appearas if everything was perfect
and you had like this littlehouse on the prairie type of
life.
And I think I mean you couldtell me, did it mean a lot for
(51:01):
you to present in that way?
Speaker 2 (51:05):
It did, because I was seeking validation so much.
I just wanted love, acceptance,validation um, I watch all the
you know beautiful ranchers,wives drive nice vehicles in our
little community community, andtheir children were on top of
(51:27):
it, and I just wanted normal.
What is normal, though?
And to me?
I thought that's what I had tohave in order to be satisfied,
so that was, you know, what Iwent through, but I don't.
I don't regret a lot of mytries, because I taught my
(51:49):
children a lot of values in life.
Speaker 1 (51:52):
I love that.
I absolutely love that.
Speaker 2 (51:57):
And my children are overcomers themselves.
You know, like my 18-year-oldjust signed up for the Marines,
she leaves for basic trainingthis summer.
Year old just signed up for theMarines, she leaves for basic
training this summer.
My middle daughter, she is ahorse woman to the core.
(52:19):
I mean, she wants to be aveterinarian and she's never
changed, she's driven.
And my son, he's a lover and heloves validation.
And my son is a lover and heloves validation.
And so I really, you know, haveopened up my mind with my
healing to pay attention and I'mmore attached to children now
(52:39):
because of it, because I try togo back and I'm like okay, I
remember that feeling, Iremember that fear, I remember
that judgment that adult did tome and so I can really
communicate with childrenbecause of what I've gone
through.
Speaker 1 (52:56):
I'm sure they really respect who you are.
How far?
Speaker 2 (53:00):
how much?
Okay, yeah, I never opened upand told my children very much.
You know, I kind of hid that,you know, to let them know.
But at the same time they knewa little bit.
Speaker 1 (53:17):
Can I ask with everything that you went through
, were you able to love them theway that you had never been?
Speaker 2 (53:25):
Oh yes.
Speaker 1 (53:27):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (53:28):
I tried with every fiber in my body to be the
opposite of what I had to feel.
Now, mind you, I'm only humanand I didn't deal with certain
outbursts.
At times I would scream, I'dyell, they'd witness my temper.
They were like mom, what iswrong with you?
(53:49):
You know they seen thosereactions that I did, but I was
never prideful enough to not sayI'm really sorry that I did
that.
I'm really sorry that I saidthat let's work on this a little
better and please forgive yourmama, because I'm trying with
(54:19):
every fiber in my body to be thebest mom I can and I would.
You know, one step forward,three steps back kind of
situation Learning how to be amom without having a mom.
I would read books like crazy.
You know, okay, this new parentguide.
I always tried to seek out aneducation as hard as I could,
(54:39):
even though I didn't have one,and I was never afraid to ask
for help you know, okay, that'skey, that's really important.
It is yeah.
Speaker 1 (54:50):
But the more that you asked for help or worked on
yourself, you said that you werelooked at as being selfish.
Speaker 2 (54:59):
Yes, I was my sister.
All my relatives on myex-husband's side judged me so
hard.
It was almost to the pointwhere they're here and I want to
be here, but they'll bring youdown.
So they're always right hereand they don't see above and
(55:22):
beyond.
I'm not a logic, scientificthinker.
I'm a dreamer.
I'm a person that's full ofemotions and because of that I
believe that's where I'm attoday.
And they didn't like that.
Being married to a rancher,cattle people, farmers they're
(55:44):
very logic, they're veryscientific minded.
Well, farmers, they're verylogic, they're very scientific
minded.
And they don't see what I'mseeing.
They think, oh, that don't makeno sense.
I mean, like you got to do itthis way.
Or they would tell me a lotWell, you're either born with it
or you'll never have it, or youknow, I was told no offense,
(56:08):
but because of your past you'renever going to be where we're at
in life.
And so I was told a lot ofcriticism just because of my
upbringing.
I was judged heavily because ofthat.
Speaker 1 (56:23):
It was almost like people were just expecting you
to fail.
Speaker 2 (56:26):
Right and I got used and comfortable to failing
because I didn't know what I wascapable of doing.
I only knew what I was capableof being accepted to do and I
would never cross that boundaryof trying to become even more
because I was afraid of judgment, of trying to become even more
because I was afraid of judgment.
Speaker 1 (56:47):
Well, you had a lot of invisible things going on
inside of you, but one of thebiggest things, I think, was
that gift that you talked about.
I mean, what saved you?
Speaker 2 (56:58):
A lot of things saved me, but the key note is faith.
I had so much faith that I'mgoing to overcome this.
My Heavenly Father, my God inheaven, is my reason.
Speaker 1 (57:15):
This is the end of part one with Autumn Star
Canterbury.
This is more than just a story.
It's a testimony, a journey ofpain, yes, but more than that,
it's profound endurance.
Autumn Star Canterbury hasshown us that you can be traded
like you're worth nothing andstill grow.
To realize your worth isimmeasurable.
That you can be tossed asideand still rise strong and
(57:38):
unshaken.
Her words they cut deep.
Her strength it radiates.
And her message it's a call toevery soul who's ever been told
they aren't enough, that they'renot worth anything.
You are not what happened toyou.
You are who you choose tobecome.
In the aftermath, autumn didn'tjust survive.
She galloped forward like thevery horse she was once traded
(58:02):
for, with a will that refused todie, she redefined herself,
reclaimed her story andcontinues to fight, not just for
herself, but for others whoneed hope.
So if you've been walkingthrough your own fire, if you've
been silenced, overlooked orstripped of your own worth, this
is your reminder.
You are still here and thatmeans your story isn't over yet.
(58:23):
To Autumn, thank you.
Thank you for showing us whatreal resilience looks like.
You are a light in the darknessand we are so grateful For our
listeners.
Please share this episode withsomeone who needs to hear it.
If you or someone you know hasexperienced trauma, we'll
include resources in the shownotes.
You are not alone.
Until next time, be gentle withyour healing and remember that
(58:46):
there's purpose in the pain andthere's hope in the journey.
Next week will be part two.
This is Real Talk with Tina andAnne, and we'll see you real
soon.
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