August 26, 2022 • 33 mins
Stephanie had a powerful conversation with Danielle Bernock about not only surviving trauma, but "emerging with wings!"
Danielle Bernock founded 4F Media (Faith, Family, Friends, Freedom) in 2014 to promote inner healing and personal freedom through the power of ‘The LOVE that heals’, using all forms of media, beginning with her first book.
The following quote from the book has gone viral:
“Trauma is personal. It does not disappear if it is not validated. When it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only by the one held captive. When someone enters the pain and hears the screams healing can begin.”
― Danielle Bernock, Emerging With Wings: A True Story of Lies, Pain, And The LOVE that Heals
Danielle is an international, award-winning author, speaker, podcast host, and trauma-informed self-love coach who helps men, women, and organizations EMERGE with clear vision of their value, TAKE ownership of their choices, and CHART a path to their purpose, becoming Victorious Souls who Embrace The Change from survive to thrive through the power of the love of God.
She has authored 4 books, written for numerous online publications, and her stories have been published in two book anthologies. Her mantra is “love yourself from survive to thrive”, and she's known as “that lady on the internet who loves you.” A long time follower of Christ, Danielle lives with her husband in Michigan near her adult children and grandchildren.
For more information or to connect with Danielle https://www.daniellebernock.com/
https://victorioussouls.com/
Everyone has resilience, but what does that mean and how to we use it in life and leadership? Join Stephanie Olson, expert in resiliency and trauma, every week as she talks to other experts living lives of resilience. Stephanie also shares her own stories of addictions, disordered eating, domestic and sexual violence, abandonment, and trauma; and shares the everyday struggles and joys of everyday life. As a wife, mom, and CEO she gives commentaries, and, sometimes a few rants, to shed light on what makes a person resilient. So, if you have experienced adversity in life in any way, and you want to learn how to better lead your family, your workplace, and, well, your life, this podcast is for you!
https://stephanieolson.com
INSPIRE your team to LEAD WITH SUCCESS and MOTIVATE others with Stephanie bringing 20+ years of speaking experience. If you need to EMPOWER, ENGAGE, and EDUCATE your people-Book Stephanie as your speaker today!
https://www.stephanieolson.com/ask-stephanie-to-speak
Everyone has resilience, but what does that mean, and how do we use it in life and leadership? Join Stephanie Olson, an expert in resiliency and trauma, every week as she talks to other experts living lives of resilience. Stephanie also shares her own stories of addictions, disordered eating, domestic and sexual violence, abandonment, and trauma, and shares the everyday struggles and joys of everyday life. As a wife, mom, and CEO she gives commentaries and, sometimes, a few rants to shed light on what makes a person resilient. So, if you have experienced adversity in life in any way and want to learn how to better lead your family, your workplace, and, well, your life, this podcast is for you!
https://stephanieolson.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Stephanie Olson (00:03):
Welcome to resilience in life and
leadership with your hostStephanie Olson, Speaker author
addiction, sexual violence andresiliency expert Danielle
Bernanke founded four F mediafaith family friends freedom in
2014 to promote inner healingand personal freedom through the
(00:24):
power of the love that healsusing all forms of media,
beginning with her first book,and the following quote from the
book has gone viral. Trauma ispersonal, it does not disappear
if it is not validated. When itis ignored or invalidated. The
silence screams continueinternally heard only by the one
(00:47):
held captive. When someoneenters the pain and hears the
screams healing can begin. Andthat is from a merging with
wings a true story of lies,pain, and the love that heals.
Today Danielle is aninternational award winning
author, speaker podcast host andtrauma informed self love coach
(01:07):
who helps men women andorganizations emerge with clear
vision of their value takeownership of their choices, and
chart a path for their purpose.
Welcome Daniel Burdock. Hello,and welcome to resilience in
life and leadership. Danielle,welcome to the show. I'm looking
forward to talking to you.
Danielle Bernock (01:28):
Thank you for having me. I'm very excited.
Absolutely.
Stephanie Olson (01:32):
So now you're doing a whole bunch of amazing
things that I want to hearabout. But why don't you tell me
what you start with how you gotto where you are today, your
journey, your journey here.
Danielle Bernock (01:46):
journey here.
It's a very lining journey. Butthe short story is, I suffered a
lot of childhood trauma. Andlater in life, when I had dealt
with some of it. I've sat downto write a book and put myself
in counseling for that process.
(02:08):
Learned the other half of thebook while I was writing the
book, and in the healingjourney, found that my journey
resonated with people. And thatled to me wanting to help them.
Very short, condensed version.
Stephanie Olson (02:24):
Absolutely. And I think that is really what
happens so often. So I love howyou say, learned the other half
of your book, you know, asyou're going along. So tell me a
little bit about that. As you'rewriting, I mean, because our
(02:45):
stories, we don't know the endof our stories. We don't know,
where God's gonna take us andthings like that. So tell me a
little bit about that you'rewriting the book. And then what
are you what do you see?
Danielle Bernock (02:59):
Well, it was because I was in counseling.
Yeah, I put myself in counselingbecause I was going to be
revisiting the painful thing isfrom my childhood that I was
aware of. Yeah, but it was incounseling, that other things
were discovered and uncovered.
And called out as something thatneeded to be healed from instead
(03:22):
of something that I haddismissed, I just missed the
majority of things that happenedto me as a child. They were
simply normal. They weredifficult. They weren't a plane
crash, they weren't a tsunami,they weren't the Sandy Hook
massacre, crane. So I made themsmaller in my eyes. And I needed
(03:43):
to just suck it up and just getover it. I had authoritarian
parents, which really fed intothat. I learned I had something
called childhood emotionalneglect, although my counselor
was not familiar with the term,learn that term. And here we go
again, tease that Dr. DeniseWebb, I am I'd like work for her
(04:05):
marketing team or something. Orshe should pay me for
advertising. There you go hascome up with I don't know if she
is the originator, I think so ofchildhood emotional neglect that
term but her book running onempty is, I think revolutionary,
how she unveils it in a way thatyou can really understand and
(04:28):
look at your life and see if itdoes or does not affect you. I
read that book and found myselfin three of the categories she
has 12 different parentingstyles that are neglectful. And
then the healthy one, she uses afictitious little boy and he
(04:50):
goes through the situation. Hecomes home and he has this
wonderfully nurturing mother andhow you know it ought to go.
Right? And you could read that.
And if you were emotionallyneglected, you could just
identify that well, that was notme. Yeah, that is not how
Stephanie Olson (05:10):
it was gonna die. Right, exactly. But then
Danielle Bernock (05:14):
she goes through 12 other types. And I
found myself in three of them.
One of them is the well meaning,but emotionally neglected
themselves parents. So they'redoing what they know, that was
one of the ones of mine. Andthat is one of the things I want
to help people with in myjourney a lot. Because it's
(05:35):
invisible. It's with abuse andvarious kinds of trauma, it
leaves a mark that there's anincident or there's something
that happened that you, youknow, see, you know, this
happened, you know, you feltthis, but with neglect, it's
what's missing. Yeah, it's avacuum. So you don't, you can't
(05:57):
look for
Stephanie Olson (06:00):
what it is not tangible.
Danielle Bernock (06:03):
So it's identified by the side effects
that you present in your life.
And I grew up with that. Andthat into all the other traumas,
they really snowballed quite abit. And I didn't learn that
emotional, neglectful part of mylife till I was writing the book
and in counseling, because thatwas one of the things that I
said, Well, I grew up, I feltlike my parents didn't love me.
(06:25):
And I didn't feel like Ibelonged in my family. And I'm
just going on and on,nonchalantly she went way, way,
way, way, way. Wait a minute.
I'm like what? She saidsomething went terribly wrong.
Like, what do you mean, shegoes, children go to their
parents, they they normally feelloved by them. And she goes on
(06:46):
and explains what ought to havebeen my experience sounds like,
Stephanie Olson (06:50):
really? So can you give an example of what
emotional neglect might looklike?
Danielle Bernock (07:01):
Well, first off, one of the things that
doctors Denise Webb is verycareful to do. And I will be
very careful also, which noparent is perfect. And if you
right screw up one time, youdidn't screw up your kid?
Stephanie Olson (07:13):
Yeah, yeah, no, we say that I have as I was
raising my children, a collegefund and a therapy fund at the
same time, right? Because you'regonna mess up.
Danielle Bernock (07:25):
Not everything will leave that mark. Because it
takes more than that. It's apattern, a pattern, it could be,
or it's either a pattern, orit's something that is really
deeply impactful. Yeah. And italso relates to the child
because every child has adifferent amount of nurture that
(07:48):
they need. Sure, I'm everyone,I'm more of a highly sensitive
soul. There's HSPs out therehighly sensitive people out
there. I don't, I don't like ownthe label, but I am empathic and
I am more sensitive. So I neededmore nurture, than probably
someone who is more stoic, rightnaturally in their personality,
(08:11):
right? Well, my parents were ofthe generation of children are
to be seen and not heard. Shutup and stop crying, or I won't
give you something to cry about.
Yep. Yep. My mother hadcommunicated to me later, she
didn't cry. Because my dad feltthat if she cried he, she was
trying to manipulate him. Soemotions were not really allowed
(08:36):
much in my family, except for mybrother reminded me about how my
dad used to yell at the dinnertable, but I don't remember that
I really associate it. Yeah, Ican associate him remember that.
And I guess he used to yell andI guess I had two brothers. I
guess my dad, my oldest brotherused to yell and scream at each
other at the dinner table. Idon't remember that. But that is
(08:58):
not emotionally healthy.
Stephanie Olson (09:02):
Yeah, right.
Exactly. Exactly. And it'samazing how much our brain
protects us from those things,you know, that we can lock those
things out?
Danielle Bernock (09:13):
Children? That is that is a normal self
protective thing. Yes. Andthat's one of the evidences of
an adult, if they look back ontheir childhood, and they're
like, I don't remember much ofanything. Like it's, you know,
there's a lot you won't rememberwhen you were young, because you
were young. I don't rememberbeing one very much or I mean,
to I mean, because I don't knowhow the brain works in those
(09:34):
memories. Sure, sure. No oneremembers a whole lot of that
because your main brain wasforming, right? But if you look
back and you see Swiss cheese,or you don't remember anything,
chances are you were notemotionally present. Right? For
your childhood. And there's areason for that. Yeah.
Stephanie Olson (09:54):
Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. So um,
so Really, when you're talkingabout emotional neglect and
parenting, it, it can look verydifferent for each child. So
there might be some children ina home that might feel
(10:16):
emotionally neglected, whereasothers feel it was it was okay.
Yeah,
Danielle Bernock (10:21):
to the siblings. And it's amazing when
they talk to one another, how itis a different perspective with
all of them. Right? Right, andwhat might have hurt one didn't
hurt the other and what youknow, and then vice versa.
Stephanie Olson (10:35):
So, so tell me about your book and that
journey, because I'm sure thatthat was an extremely healing
part of of your your story andwhat you were were doing. It is,
Danielle Bernock (10:53):
it was, like I said, I knew half about Chapter
Nine is called the bullseye. AndI think this is where God
protected me. Yeah. Because Iknew the incident that is
unveiled in chapter nine, right?
But I didn't know what happenedin my soul. I knew that it hurt
me. I knew it was bad. I didn'tremember a whole lot about it.
(11:13):
But diving into it. Chapternine, the bullseye deals with my
public rejection. In front ofthe church as a child. I was
left on the front seat in thefront seat front row, yeah,
front row of the church, all bymyself after they'd called my
entire class up in front one ata time reading their names
(11:36):
because I went through a wholeprocess of becoming a member, my
parents were no longer going tochurch. And that's a whole other
part of the story. More of theneglect, why was I going in at
them, especially that day, I'msupposed to be getting welcomed
into membership, why weren'tthey there?
Stephanie Olson (11:52):
Then how old?
Were you?
Danielle Bernock (11:55):
10 or 11. So right there, that's something
they weren't there for that.
Right, right. But then traumatook place, because I was
sitting there and they calledeveryone up one at a time to
announce their name and standwith the pastor and be welcomed
into membership. And I'm alreadysuffering the emotional neglect.
So becoming a member of thechurch was huge for me, right?
(12:17):
Because I feel like I belongedat home. Exactly. I was gonna
belong at church, right? I'mgonna belong somewhere. Nope,
not here. Wow. left on the frontrow, just sitting there for the
entire church to look at, leftout.
Stephanie Olson (12:35):
And no one noticed
Danielle Bernock (12:36):
that I made no idea I'd really hard to
understand or remember. Yeah,wow, wow. What the Lord showed
me as I was writing this book islike the Holy Spirit. How I
envision it's like, I can almostsee it. Like it took me like a
little kid by the hand, and justslowly, gently walked me to a
place where he was going to showme something hard. Like, I got
(12:58):
you, though, was like, I gotyou. Okay. Okay. Yeah. And he
walked me there. And he showedme what took place in my soul
was the inversion of a lie.
There's a Bible verse, it says,Everyone who comes to Jesus, He
will in no wise cast out. But Ileft there, believing that Jesus
himself had cast me out. Right.
(13:24):
And I believe from that dayforward, that everyone would
always reject me. Wow. Wow. Andthere were other traumas in my
life growing up. Also, there wasmany deaths that took place in
my growing up and I had a traumathat was associated with my
name, I legally changed my firstname and 1988 Because I have a
(13:48):
trauma associated with that. Andthey all built on one another.
That's why the name of thatchapter is called Bullseye
because the Bullseye is ahighest point of effectiveness
right in the center. You can'tget any more precise than the
bracelet. Right? So it's like helike opened up. This is why you
(14:09):
have been struggling with this,this, this, this this this? Oh,
I mean, literally, my mouthdropped open. And I guess he
shows.
Stephanie Olson (14:17):
So I want to go back to something that I think
is incredibly important, becauseyou said that when the church
rejected you, it looked to youyour perception was that Jesus
himself rejected you. And Ithink that is so common, because
(14:39):
the church I mean, let's faceit, we're human, and we mess up.
Right. And there is and Ipersonally believe that there is
so much hurt and trauma in thechurch because so many in the
church are not willing to say,Hey, I am not perfect. Yeah, And
(15:00):
so it adds to that. Can you talka little bit about that and
trauma in the church and thedifference between being
rejected by the people in thechurch and being rejected by
Christ? That was loaded? Thatwas a loaded question right
(15:22):
there.
Danielle Bernock (15:23):
Well, I was rejected by the people. But I
was too young to understandthat, yeah. As a child, a child
will process situationsdifferently than an adult. Yeah,
they are more susceptible totrauma. And I will stop here for
your listeners to define trauma.
Trauma is not the incident.
(15:45):
Trauma is the wound that takesplace in the brain. And in my
case, in this particular place,the soul because the Lord showed
me that happened in my soul.
Yeah, I had that expectationbecause a spiritual wound took
place, not just a physical brainwound because trauma wounds the
brain physically, chemically,biologically. Right, right. Why
(16:06):
trauma is not intentional. Noone can intentionally traumatize
themselves. Yeah, but there is asuch a stigma attached to that
word trauma. People don't wantto own that that happened to
them, because it makes them feelinferior and chef. But that's a
lie. That's a lie. That's right,such a lie. And trauma in the
(16:27):
church. every bad thing thathappens to people in the church
is not necessarily trauma,because of that reason, because
it may have upset them or madethem mad, or they would be like
hurt their feelings, how deepthe wound goes. Will be
evidenced by how it plays out,does it affect you later? Do you
(16:49):
find it over here? Do you findit over there? And it will
create a trauma response thatwill be separate from the
incident.
Stephanie Olson (17:02):
Right? So how did that event when you were
sitting in that church?
Rejected? How did that eventaffect you and your relationship
with the church with the peoplein the church going forward? And
then I would love to know alittle bit more about your
(17:22):
relationship with your familyand how that emotional neglect,
you know, affected you and yourfamily going forward.
Danielle Bernock (17:31):
Well, how it affected me with the church that
day, is I didn't remember goinghome. But I still craved to
belong. Right? And apparently,they gave me the opportunity to
earn my way. Because I found outlater I didn't know any of this.
My mother explained this to melater. Apparently, my dad had
(17:53):
called the church to find outwhat happened. And they had
refused me membership because myparents weren't going to church.
And so if they made me a member,I wouldn't go to church either.
Oh, my
Stephanie Olson (18:02):
gosh. So there's a whole story right
there. Okay.
Danielle Bernock (18:08):
It's really kind of comical. But they said
that I could, I could do theseextra things. I could earn my
way. Oh, and how that affectedme and my soul was what my
child's brain said to myselfwas, I have to earn God's love.
Yeah, absolutely. is thecomplete opposite of the gospel.
Right, right. So I had to takespecial classes. And then they
(18:32):
made me a member on a Sundaynight when no one was at church.
And so far as I know, that wasthe last time I went to the
picture that so
Stephanie Olson (18:43):
sad. So it's like
Danielle Bernock (18:45):
they became a self fulfilling prophecy. After
that, right, years later, afterthe Lord apprehended me and I
became I came back to him I sayapprehended because that's the
word I use in my book as hechased me I chased him because
he loves me. Yes, he loves youwho are listening.
(19:08):
He lost my train of thoughttrain will come around again on
the track. It always does. HowI, when my husband and I got
engaged, we went back to thatchurch. I did it on purpose one
(19:28):
time, because I wanted toforgive and I didn't want any
bitterness in my heart. So thatwas my, my, I never did a 12
Steps recovery, but I think youhave to do stuff like that in
there. So I went to that churchon Sunday to as an act of
forgiveness, I forgive thischurch, these people, whatever,
(19:52):
I forgive them for that wound inmy life. So I did go back one
time and that was one time thatI went back. So how did that
because because
Stephanie Olson (20:03):
forgiveness is a choice forgiveness is not
necessarily a feeling you know,we don't feel all this Oh, I'm,
I'm I feel so forgiving veryoften does not happen. And so it
is a choice A Tell me about thatday and how how that felt in
that, you know, going back intothat church sitting in those
(20:26):
pews. And while they actuallymaking a decision to forgive
them,
Danielle Bernock (20:31):
well, they actually had built a different
sanctuary. So I didn't have togo in the same room. I don't
know if I would have rememberedI went, it felt very weird and
odd because I hadn't it had beenyears and years and years. Yeah,
I was to one tee. I was 21 whenI did that. So it had been a
good 10 years since I had beenthere. And my now husband went
(20:56):
with me. So I went to thisplace. It was weird board and I
hadn't been there in a longtime. So I went really just with
my heart kind of like insidemyself going okay, God, you're
coming with me. Right? Yeah,right kind of thing. Went in
there sat there. I, the peoplesaid hi, or whatever. I don't
even remember a whole lot of whotalked to me, if anyone
(21:18):
remembered me if I rememberedthem. And it was uneventful,
actually, but it was it was aline in the sand for me was a
line that I drawn. And so I knewthat I had done what I could do
to Okay, I did what I know todo, you got to do the inner work
God.
Stephanie Olson (21:34):
Right. Right.
Exactly. Which, which is usuallynot overnight.
Danielle Bernock (21:40):
No, it took me many, many, many years. Well, I
didn't really understand thespiritual implication of what
had happened till I was writingthat book. I was 55 years old
that Yeah, yeah. I was I startedwhen I was 54. Published 55. But
so many years later. Yeah.
Stephanie Olson (21:59):
That's yeah, absolutely. So how is the
relationship with your familytoday?
Danielle Bernock (22:12):
I, it's, I'm laughing for a reason. Because
my family was very small fromthe beginning. I had one
grandmother, and one stepgrandfather. Neither are alive.
I had a mom and a dad. And mygrandmother died. When I was 13.
(22:35):
Two months later, my dad died.
Oh, wow. And I wish there forthat, watching that awful thing
take place. Wow. A few yearslater, I lost a friend, a
childhood friend. And then fouryears after my father died, I
lost my eldest brother. Oh, I'mso sorry. That's so my brother.
I mean, my dad had used to havetwo siblings. And he lost his
(23:00):
mom, his dad and his sister allbefore he was married. Oh, my
goodness. He had one brother. SoI had an uncle who is married.
And they had one child who I hadone cousin, which we got
together when I was kind ofyoung. But then suddenly, they
left the picture. And I have noidea why. Okay, interesting. So
(23:23):
what I have left of my family isI have a brother. So I mean, I'm
going down. I have two children.
I have six grandchildren. Butyeah, you know, what I have of
my family as I have a brotherand we have become very close.
That's we've gone through a longjourney together. Because he has
(23:46):
his own story, which is nottrying to tell. Yep. But he
helped me process my childhood alittle bit. Also, I talked with
him while I was writing thebooks. And that goes back to
what we were saying earlierabout one would be traumatized
one would not be right. Becausehe's like, don't you remember
this, Mike? No, Mike, don'tremember this. No. Did you know
this happened? We've sharedstories and it was quite
(24:09):
enlightening. It's amazing.
Well, I my mother and I, we hada very rocky relationship. But I
want to honor her by sharing.
After I'd gotten married, therewas this one day she invited me
to lunch. And she asked me if Iwanted to be friends. And I
craved you know, relationship. Ihad all this lag. So I said,
(24:31):
Yes. And we started a longjourney of building a bridge
between the two of us. That'swhich led to we were very close
when she passed, and I had my,my deepest prayer answered was
to be with her. I wanted to bewith her. And I got to be
sitting there holding her handsinging to her. Wow. And she
passed so we came through it. Somy message here for who's
(24:55):
listening is no matter what kindof trauma you have, or what kind
of emotional nickel Back to mayhave suffered, you can heal,
your relationships can behealed, if both parties will he
participate participants, right,so operating participants, but
if one party is not cooperative,I'm sad, then that can't be
(25:16):
healed because you can't have arelationship all by yourself.
That's
Stephanie Olson (25:19):
right. And really some, some can be. I
think that's where thatforgiveness piece comes in.
Because there are somerelationships that you shouldn't
continue. There are somerelationships that probably
really, you know, when you'retalking about severe abuse or
things like that, that you needto separate from that person.
(25:41):
But that forgiveness can stillhappen, which really brings
healing to you as individuals.
So Oh, I love that. I love thatstory about your mom and your
brother, that is reallybeautiful, because it really
just shows how God can just takesomething that is so not of Him
and just turn it into somethingthat's beautiful, and a
(26:02):
blessing.
Danielle Bernock (26:05):
I love the the definition of forgiveness from
the book, The Shack, I when Iwhen I read this I just it
etched on my heart. Forgivenessis letting go of another
person's throat. Yeah, yep. That
Stephanie Olson (26:24):
is true. That is true. Yeah.
Danielle Bernock (26:27):
Well, that picture because that's that's
such an emotionally charged wayof looking at it. Right. And
forgiveness is an emotionalthing. It is a choice, but it
involves your emotion. Oh,
Stephanie Olson (26:38):
absolutely.
Unknown (26:39):
Absolutely. And it's really painful.
Stephanie Olson (26:43):
Exactly. So you then founded for F media, so
tell us about that.
Danielle Bernock (26:51):
Fourth media stands for EFS, our faith,
friends, family, and freedom. Ifound it that to publish my
first book, because I was goingto publish my book myself
instead of traditionallypublished because they were
going to buy it, and then itwould no longer be mine. Right.
(27:13):
Right. Now they don't do thingsso much like that. But back then
it was like, No, you're notgoing to own my story. It's my
story, because then I couldnever publish it or change it or
update it or do anything withit. Right. So I wanted to own my
story. So I created a company sothat I could publish that. And I
was looking into media. I mean,it was a book. And so I was
(27:34):
thinking, well, maybe I'll dosomething else later. I don't
know. But I had no plans pastthat. But now it's reached into
I was blogging, I have a blog, Ihave other books, I have a
podcast, I have a YouTubechannel. So I am looking to
share my message on alldifferent kinds of media. And
(27:55):
those are the four things thatare really important to me are
faith, family, friends andfreedom.
Stephanie Olson (27:59):
Yeah. Isn't that great? How God set
something up? And you're like, Idon't know, this is he just, he
just puts it together? So I lovethat that is fantastic. So
Daniel, how can people find you?
What's the best way for peopleto find you?
Danielle Bernock (28:19):
On my website, everything can be accessed from
my website. I'm on all the majorsocials and I have my own
YouTube channel and my podcastVictoria souls podcast. But you
can all find them at Danielleburn uk.com It's B E R, N O CK
many people would jump to thething of a BU R, but it's B E?
Stephanie Olson (28:40):
Yes. I'll make sure to have that in all of the
notes of the podcast. I just Ilove your story I love your
resilience is what it is. Sothis is my final question for
you. What does resilience meanto you?
Danielle Bernock (29:04):
Ah, I've written about this resilience is
is a big thing. And the mostvisual way someone who can
visualize me explaining it, itwas take a spring in your hand
and you push it together andpull it apart. That is
resilience, its ability to beable to bounce back from
(29:24):
something terrible or hard ordifficult, and be able to live
life and thrive again. Afterthat. There's different ways you
can build resilience. I mean,it's something you can actually
work on so that you can make itstronger inside of yourself. So
it's not just something you haveor you don't have though some
people do tend to be born withmore of it than others depending
(29:49):
on their personality. Yeah, butI've written about it before
because it is an importantaspect and the more resilience
you have, the less likely You'llfall into trauma, but it doesn't
make you impervious to itbecause salutely trauma happens
to even the strongest people. Imean, people who go to war in
(30:10):
that they are trained. And Ihave a friend who I interviewed
for my book because you matterhe, he's a trauma coach. He was
in the military, he was trainedin resilience. I mean, his story
was amazing what he put himselfthrough to build resilience
before he was done growing up.
Yet still, he ended up withPTSD. So it's not a guarantee,
but it is something that you canadd to your life.
Stephanie Olson (30:34):
Okay, so not my final question. So now, here. So
talk about what that means tobuild resilience. How do you do
that?
Danielle Bernock (30:45):
Well, one of the articles that I've written,
I talked about five ways you canbuild resilience. One is
building up your sense of humor.
One way you can see if maybe youdon't have such great resilience
is can you laugh at yourself. Icouldn't laugh at myself. For
the longest time, I was sofilled with shame. That when
any, anytime I did anythingwrong, or made a mistake, self
(31:08):
condemnation was just all overthat, right? There's no
resilience in that. So helpingyour sense of humor to grow is
one thing that you can do tobuild resilience. building
healthy relationships is anotherway. Studies have shown that
healthy relationships, mitigatetrauma. And children, if they
(31:32):
are going through what couldn'tbe called a trauma exposure,
it's a situation that couldcause trauma. But if they are
surrounded with love, andnurture, they can actually they
have the possibility of goingthrough that. And emerging
without any trauma, right?
That's amazing, right? Sohealthy relationships, and
(31:55):
unhealthy relationships,oftentimes, are a side effect of
trauma, right? dependence. And,you know, the refusal of asking
for help, because that's calledcounter dependence, all kinds of
different trauma responses, butthere are, there are many things
you can do to build resentment.
So those are two
Stephanie Olson (32:13):
examples. And we can learn more about that
from, from your writings andyour work. And so one more time,
what is your website,
Danielle Bernock (32:23):
Danielle bernanke.com. I also do coaching
to help people if you wantsomeone to walk alongside you
with that you don't want to justread stuff, because sometimes,
you know, you want someone withyou. Sometimes you want the
privacy of it. Sometimes youwant someone with you, but
healing really happens withinthe confines of relationships.
So you should find someone tohelp you whether it's a friend,
(32:44):
a pastor, a counselor, I'm not acounselor, or a coach, but you
should get someone to walk thatroad with you because we weren't
created to walk through lifealone.
Stephanie Olson (32:55):
No, we were not definitely. Well, I really
appreciate you sharing yourstory and just the amazing work
that you're doing today. And youdefinitely are the picture of
resilience. So thank you so muchfor for just sharing who you are
and helping others through thethings that you've learned. It's
(33:18):
just incredible. Thank you.
Danielle Bernock (33:20):
It's my pleasure.
Stephanie Olson (33:21):
Thank you. And thank you for listening to
resilience in life andleadership. We'll see you next
time. Thank you for listening.
Please share with anyone youthink will benefit from this
podcast.
Welcome to resilience in life and
leadership with your hostStephanie Olson, Speaker author
addiction, sexual violence andresiliency expert Danielle
Bernanke founded four F mediafaith family friends freedom in
2014 to promote inner healingand personal freedom through the
(00:24):
power of the love that healsusing all forms of media,
beginning with her first book,and the following quote from the
book has gone viral. Trauma ispersonal, it does not disappear
if it is not validated. When itis ignored or invalidated. The
silence screams continueinternally heard only by the one
(00:47):
held captive. When someoneenters the pain and hears the
screams healing can begin. Andthat is from a merging with
wings a true story of lies,pain, and the love that heals.
Today Danielle is aninternational award winning
author, speaker podcast host andtrauma informed self love coach
(01:07):
who helps men women andorganizations emerge with clear
vision of their value takeownership of their choices, and
chart a path for their purpose.
Welcome Daniel Burdock. Hello,and welcome to resilience in
life and leadership. Danielle,welcome to the show. I'm looking
forward to talking to you.
Danielle Bernock (01:28):
Thank you for having me. I'm very excited.
Absolutely.
Stephanie Olson (01:32):
So now you're doing a whole bunch of amazing
things that I want to hearabout. But why don't you tell me
what you start with how you gotto where you are today, your
journey, your journey here.
Danielle Bernock (01:46):
journey here.
It's a very lining journey. Butthe short story is, I suffered a
lot of childhood trauma. Andlater in life, when I had dealt
with some of it. I've sat downto write a book and put myself
in counseling for that process.
(02:08):
Learned the other half of thebook while I was writing the
book, and in the healingjourney, found that my journey
resonated with people. And thatled to me wanting to help them.
Very short, condensed version.
Stephanie Olson (02:24):
Absolutely. And I think that is really what
happens so often. So I love howyou say, learned the other half
of your book, you know, asyou're going along. So tell me a
little bit about that. As you'rewriting, I mean, because our
(02:45):
stories, we don't know the endof our stories. We don't know,
where God's gonna take us andthings like that. So tell me a
little bit about that you'rewriting the book. And then what
are you what do you see?
Danielle Bernock (02:59):
Well, it was because I was in counseling.
Yeah, I put myself in counselingbecause I was going to be
revisiting the painful thing isfrom my childhood that I was
aware of. Yeah, but it was incounseling, that other things
were discovered and uncovered.
And called out as something thatneeded to be healed from instead
(03:22):
of something that I haddismissed, I just missed the
majority of things that happenedto me as a child. They were
simply normal. They weredifficult. They weren't a plane
crash, they weren't a tsunami,they weren't the Sandy Hook
massacre, crane. So I made themsmaller in my eyes. And I needed
(03:43):
to just suck it up and just getover it. I had authoritarian
parents, which really fed intothat. I learned I had something
called childhood emotionalneglect, although my counselor
was not familiar with the term,learn that term. And here we go
again, tease that Dr. DeniseWebb, I am I'd like work for her
(04:05):
marketing team or something. Orshe should pay me for
advertising. There you go hascome up with I don't know if she
is the originator, I think so ofchildhood emotional neglect that
term but her book running onempty is, I think revolutionary,
how she unveils it in a way thatyou can really understand and
(04:28):
look at your life and see if itdoes or does not affect you. I
read that book and found myselfin three of the categories she
has 12 different parentingstyles that are neglectful. And
then the healthy one, she uses afictitious little boy and he
(04:50):
goes through the situation. Hecomes home and he has this
wonderfully nurturing mother andhow you know it ought to go.
Right? And you could read that.
And if you were emotionallyneglected, you could just
identify that well, that was notme. Yeah, that is not how
Stephanie Olson (05:10):
it was gonna die. Right, exactly. But then
Danielle Bernock (05:14):
she goes through 12 other types. And I
found myself in three of them.
One of them is the well meaning,but emotionally neglected
themselves parents. So they'redoing what they know, that was
one of the ones of mine. Andthat is one of the things I want
to help people with in myjourney a lot. Because it's
(05:35):
invisible. It's with abuse andvarious kinds of trauma, it
leaves a mark that there's anincident or there's something
that happened that you, youknow, see, you know, this
happened, you know, you feltthis, but with neglect, it's
what's missing. Yeah, it's avacuum. So you don't, you can't
(05:57):
look for
Stephanie Olson (06:00):
what it is not tangible.
Danielle Bernock (06:03):
So it's identified by the side effects
that you present in your life.
And I grew up with that. Andthat into all the other traumas,
they really snowballed quite abit. And I didn't learn that
emotional, neglectful part of mylife till I was writing the book
and in counseling, because thatwas one of the things that I
said, Well, I grew up, I feltlike my parents didn't love me.
(06:25):
And I didn't feel like Ibelonged in my family. And I'm
just going on and on,nonchalantly she went way, way,
way, way, way. Wait a minute.
I'm like what? She saidsomething went terribly wrong.
Like, what do you mean, shegoes, children go to their
parents, they they normally feelloved by them. And she goes on
(06:46):
and explains what ought to havebeen my experience sounds like,
Stephanie Olson (06:50):
really? So can you give an example of what
emotional neglect might looklike?
Danielle Bernock (07:01):
Well, first off, one of the things that
doctors Denise Webb is verycareful to do. And I will be
very careful also, which noparent is perfect. And if you
right screw up one time, youdidn't screw up your kid?
Stephanie Olson (07:13):
Yeah, yeah, no, we say that I have as I was
raising my children, a collegefund and a therapy fund at the
same time, right? Because you'regonna mess up.
Danielle Bernock (07:25):
Not everything will leave that mark. Because it
takes more than that. It's apattern, a pattern, it could be,
or it's either a pattern, orit's something that is really
deeply impactful. Yeah. And italso relates to the child
because every child has adifferent amount of nurture that
(07:48):
they need. Sure, I'm everyone,I'm more of a highly sensitive
soul. There's HSPs out therehighly sensitive people out
there. I don't, I don't like ownthe label, but I am empathic and
I am more sensitive. So I neededmore nurture, than probably
someone who is more stoic, rightnaturally in their personality,
(08:11):
right? Well, my parents were ofthe generation of children are
to be seen and not heard. Shutup and stop crying, or I won't
give you something to cry about.
Yep. Yep. My mother hadcommunicated to me later, she
didn't cry. Because my dad feltthat if she cried he, she was
trying to manipulate him. Soemotions were not really allowed
(08:36):
much in my family, except for mybrother reminded me about how my
dad used to yell at the dinnertable, but I don't remember that
I really associate it. Yeah, Ican associate him remember that.
And I guess he used to yell andI guess I had two brothers. I
guess my dad, my oldest brotherused to yell and scream at each
other at the dinner table. Idon't remember that. But that is
(08:58):
not emotionally healthy.
Stephanie Olson (09:02):
Yeah, right.
Exactly. Exactly. And it'samazing how much our brain
protects us from those things,you know, that we can lock those
things out?
Danielle Bernock (09:13):
Children? That is that is a normal self
protective thing. Yes. Andthat's one of the evidences of
an adult, if they look back ontheir childhood, and they're
like, I don't remember much ofanything. Like it's, you know,
there's a lot you won't rememberwhen you were young, because you
were young. I don't rememberbeing one very much or I mean,
to I mean, because I don't knowhow the brain works in those
(09:34):
memories. Sure, sure. No oneremembers a whole lot of that
because your main brain wasforming, right? But if you look
back and you see Swiss cheese,or you don't remember anything,
chances are you were notemotionally present. Right? For
your childhood. And there's areason for that. Yeah.
Stephanie Olson (09:54):
Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. So um,
so Really, when you're talkingabout emotional neglect and
parenting, it, it can look verydifferent for each child. So
there might be some children ina home that might feel
(10:16):
emotionally neglected, whereasothers feel it was it was okay.
Yeah,
Danielle Bernock (10:21):
to the siblings. And it's amazing when
they talk to one another, how itis a different perspective with
all of them. Right? Right, andwhat might have hurt one didn't
hurt the other and what youknow, and then vice versa.
Stephanie Olson (10:35):
So, so tell me about your book and that
journey, because I'm sure thatthat was an extremely healing
part of of your your story andwhat you were were doing. It is,
Danielle Bernock (10:53):
it was, like I said, I knew half about Chapter
Nine is called the bullseye. AndI think this is where God
protected me. Yeah. Because Iknew the incident that is
unveiled in chapter nine, right?
But I didn't know what happenedin my soul. I knew that it hurt
me. I knew it was bad. I didn'tremember a whole lot about it.
(11:13):
But diving into it. Chapternine, the bullseye deals with my
public rejection. In front ofthe church as a child. I was
left on the front seat in thefront seat front row, yeah,
front row of the church, all bymyself after they'd called my
entire class up in front one ata time reading their names
(11:36):
because I went through a wholeprocess of becoming a member, my
parents were no longer going tochurch. And that's a whole other
part of the story. More of theneglect, why was I going in at
them, especially that day, I'msupposed to be getting welcomed
into membership, why weren'tthey there?
Stephanie Olson (11:52):
Then how old?
Were you?
Danielle Bernock (11:55):
10 or 11. So right there, that's something
they weren't there for that.
Right, right. But then traumatook place, because I was
sitting there and they calledeveryone up one at a time to
announce their name and standwith the pastor and be welcomed
into membership. And I'm alreadysuffering the emotional neglect.
So becoming a member of thechurch was huge for me, right?
(12:17):
Because I feel like I belongedat home. Exactly. I was gonna
belong at church, right? I'mgonna belong somewhere. Nope,
not here. Wow. left on the frontrow, just sitting there for the
entire church to look at, leftout.
Stephanie Olson (12:35):
And no one noticed
Danielle Bernock (12:36):
that I made no idea I'd really hard to
understand or remember. Yeah,wow, wow. What the Lord showed
me as I was writing this book islike the Holy Spirit. How I
envision it's like, I can almostsee it. Like it took me like a
little kid by the hand, and justslowly, gently walked me to a
place where he was going to showme something hard. Like, I got
(12:58):
you, though, was like, I gotyou. Okay. Okay. Yeah. And he
walked me there. And he showedme what took place in my soul
was the inversion of a lie.
There's a Bible verse, it says,Everyone who comes to Jesus, He
will in no wise cast out. But Ileft there, believing that Jesus
himself had cast me out. Right.
(13:24):
And I believe from that dayforward, that everyone would
always reject me. Wow. Wow. Andthere were other traumas in my
life growing up. Also, there wasmany deaths that took place in
my growing up and I had a traumathat was associated with my
name, I legally changed my firstname and 1988 Because I have a
(13:48):
trauma associated with that. Andthey all built on one another.
That's why the name of thatchapter is called Bullseye
because the Bullseye is ahighest point of effectiveness
right in the center. You can'tget any more precise than the
bracelet. Right? So it's like helike opened up. This is why you
(14:09):
have been struggling with this,this, this, this this this? Oh,
I mean, literally, my mouthdropped open. And I guess he
shows.
Stephanie Olson (14:17):
So I want to go back to something that I think
is incredibly important, becauseyou said that when the church
rejected you, it looked to youyour perception was that Jesus
himself rejected you. And Ithink that is so common, because
(14:39):
the church I mean, let's faceit, we're human, and we mess up.
Right. And there is and Ipersonally believe that there is
so much hurt and trauma in thechurch because so many in the
church are not willing to say,Hey, I am not perfect. Yeah, And
(15:00):
so it adds to that. Can you talka little bit about that and
trauma in the church and thedifference between being
rejected by the people in thechurch and being rejected by
Christ? That was loaded? Thatwas a loaded question right
(15:22):
there.
Danielle Bernock (15:23):
Well, I was rejected by the people. But I
was too young to understandthat, yeah. As a child, a child
will process situationsdifferently than an adult. Yeah,
they are more susceptible totrauma. And I will stop here for
your listeners to define trauma.
Trauma is not the incident.
(15:45):
Trauma is the wound that takesplace in the brain. And in my
case, in this particular place,the soul because the Lord showed
me that happened in my soul.
Yeah, I had that expectationbecause a spiritual wound took
place, not just a physical brainwound because trauma wounds the
brain physically, chemically,biologically. Right, right. Why
(16:06):
trauma is not intentional. Noone can intentionally traumatize
themselves. Yeah, but there is asuch a stigma attached to that
word trauma. People don't wantto own that that happened to
them, because it makes them feelinferior and chef. But that's a
lie. That's a lie. That's right,such a lie. And trauma in the
(16:27):
church. every bad thing thathappens to people in the church
is not necessarily trauma,because of that reason, because
it may have upset them or madethem mad, or they would be like
hurt their feelings, how deepthe wound goes. Will be
evidenced by how it plays out,does it affect you later? Do you
(16:49):
find it over here? Do you findit over there? And it will
create a trauma response thatwill be separate from the
incident.
Stephanie Olson (17:02):
Right? So how did that event when you were
sitting in that church?
Rejected? How did that eventaffect you and your relationship
with the church with the peoplein the church going forward? And
then I would love to know alittle bit more about your
(17:22):
relationship with your familyand how that emotional neglect,
you know, affected you and yourfamily going forward.
Danielle Bernock (17:31):
Well, how it affected me with the church that
day, is I didn't remember goinghome. But I still craved to
belong. Right? And apparently,they gave me the opportunity to
earn my way. Because I found outlater I didn't know any of this.
My mother explained this to melater. Apparently, my dad had
(17:53):
called the church to find outwhat happened. And they had
refused me membership because myparents weren't going to church.
And so if they made me a member,I wouldn't go to church either.
Oh, my
Stephanie Olson (18:02):
gosh. So there's a whole story right
there. Okay.
Danielle Bernock (18:08):
It's really kind of comical. But they said
that I could, I could do theseextra things. I could earn my
way. Oh, and how that affectedme and my soul was what my
child's brain said to myselfwas, I have to earn God's love.
Yeah, absolutely. is thecomplete opposite of the gospel.
Right, right. So I had to takespecial classes. And then they
(18:32):
made me a member on a Sundaynight when no one was at church.
And so far as I know, that wasthe last time I went to the
picture that so
Stephanie Olson (18:43):
sad. So it's like
Danielle Bernock (18:45):
they became a self fulfilling prophecy. After
that, right, years later, afterthe Lord apprehended me and I
became I came back to him I sayapprehended because that's the
word I use in my book as hechased me I chased him because
he loves me. Yes, he loves youwho are listening.
(19:08):
He lost my train of thoughttrain will come around again on
the track. It always does. HowI, when my husband and I got
engaged, we went back to thatchurch. I did it on purpose one
(19:28):
time, because I wanted toforgive and I didn't want any
bitterness in my heart. So thatwas my, my, I never did a 12
Steps recovery, but I think youhave to do stuff like that in
there. So I went to that churchon Sunday to as an act of
forgiveness, I forgive thischurch, these people, whatever,
(19:52):
I forgive them for that wound inmy life. So I did go back one
time and that was one time thatI went back. So how did that
because because
Stephanie Olson (20:03):
forgiveness is a choice forgiveness is not
necessarily a feeling you know,we don't feel all this Oh, I'm,
I'm I feel so forgiving veryoften does not happen. And so it
is a choice A Tell me about thatday and how how that felt in
that, you know, going back intothat church sitting in those
(20:26):
pews. And while they actuallymaking a decision to forgive
them,
Danielle Bernock (20:31):
well, they actually had built a different
sanctuary. So I didn't have togo in the same room. I don't
know if I would have rememberedI went, it felt very weird and
odd because I hadn't it had beenyears and years and years. Yeah,
I was to one tee. I was 21 whenI did that. So it had been a
good 10 years since I had beenthere. And my now husband went
(20:56):
with me. So I went to thisplace. It was weird board and I
hadn't been there in a longtime. So I went really just with
my heart kind of like insidemyself going okay, God, you're
coming with me. Right? Yeah,right kind of thing. Went in
there sat there. I, the peoplesaid hi, or whatever. I don't
even remember a whole lot of whotalked to me, if anyone
(21:18):
remembered me if I rememberedthem. And it was uneventful,
actually, but it was it was aline in the sand for me was a
line that I drawn. And so I knewthat I had done what I could do
to Okay, I did what I know todo, you got to do the inner work
God.
Stephanie Olson (21:34):
Right. Right.
Exactly. Which, which is usuallynot overnight.
Danielle Bernock (21:40):
No, it took me many, many, many years. Well, I
didn't really understand thespiritual implication of what
had happened till I was writingthat book. I was 55 years old
that Yeah, yeah. I was I startedwhen I was 54. Published 55. But
so many years later. Yeah.
Stephanie Olson (21:59):
That's yeah, absolutely. So how is the
relationship with your familytoday?
Danielle Bernock (22:12):
I, it's, I'm laughing for a reason. Because
my family was very small fromthe beginning. I had one
grandmother, and one stepgrandfather. Neither are alive.
I had a mom and a dad. And mygrandmother died. When I was 13.
(22:35):
Two months later, my dad died.
Oh, wow. And I wish there forthat, watching that awful thing
take place. Wow. A few yearslater, I lost a friend, a
childhood friend. And then fouryears after my father died, I
lost my eldest brother. Oh, I'mso sorry. That's so my brother.
I mean, my dad had used to havetwo siblings. And he lost his
(23:00):
mom, his dad and his sister allbefore he was married. Oh, my
goodness. He had one brother. SoI had an uncle who is married.
And they had one child who I hadone cousin, which we got
together when I was kind ofyoung. But then suddenly, they
left the picture. And I have noidea why. Okay, interesting. So
(23:23):
what I have left of my family isI have a brother. So I mean, I'm
going down. I have two children.
I have six grandchildren. Butyeah, you know, what I have of
my family as I have a brotherand we have become very close.
That's we've gone through a longjourney together. Because he has
(23:46):
his own story, which is nottrying to tell. Yep. But he
helped me process my childhood alittle bit. Also, I talked with
him while I was writing thebooks. And that goes back to
what we were saying earlierabout one would be traumatized
one would not be right. Becausehe's like, don't you remember
this, Mike? No, Mike, don'tremember this. No. Did you know
this happened? We've sharedstories and it was quite
(24:09):
enlightening. It's amazing.
Well, I my mother and I, we hada very rocky relationship. But I
want to honor her by sharing.
After I'd gotten married, therewas this one day she invited me
to lunch. And she asked me if Iwanted to be friends. And I
craved you know, relationship. Ihad all this lag. So I said,
(24:31):
Yes. And we started a longjourney of building a bridge
between the two of us. That'swhich led to we were very close
when she passed, and I had my,my deepest prayer answered was
to be with her. I wanted to bewith her. And I got to be
sitting there holding her handsinging to her. Wow. And she
passed so we came through it. Somy message here for who's
(24:55):
listening is no matter what kindof trauma you have, or what kind
of emotional nickel Back to mayhave suffered, you can heal,
your relationships can behealed, if both parties will he
participate participants, right,so operating participants, but
if one party is not cooperative,I'm sad, then that can't be
(25:16):
healed because you can't have arelationship all by yourself.
That's
Stephanie Olson (25:19):
right. And really some, some can be. I
think that's where thatforgiveness piece comes in.
Because there are somerelationships that you shouldn't
continue. There are somerelationships that probably
really, you know, when you'retalking about severe abuse or
things like that, that you needto separate from that person.
(25:41):
But that forgiveness can stillhappen, which really brings
healing to you as individuals.
So Oh, I love that. I love thatstory about your mom and your
brother, that is reallybeautiful, because it really
just shows how God can just takesomething that is so not of Him
and just turn it into somethingthat's beautiful, and a
(26:02):
blessing.
Danielle Bernock (26:05):
I love the the definition of forgiveness from
the book, The Shack, I when Iwhen I read this I just it
etched on my heart. Forgivenessis letting go of another
person's throat. Yeah, yep. That
Stephanie Olson (26:24):
is true. That is true. Yeah.
Danielle Bernock (26:27):
Well, that picture because that's that's
such an emotionally charged wayof looking at it. Right. And
forgiveness is an emotionalthing. It is a choice, but it
involves your emotion. Oh,
Stephanie Olson (26:38):
absolutely.
Unknown (26:39):
Absolutely. And it's really painful.
Stephanie Olson (26:43):
Exactly. So you then founded for F media, so
tell us about that.
Danielle Bernock (26:51):
Fourth media stands for EFS, our faith,
friends, family, and freedom. Ifound it that to publish my
first book, because I was goingto publish my book myself
instead of traditionallypublished because they were
going to buy it, and then itwould no longer be mine. Right.
(27:13):
Right. Now they don't do thingsso much like that. But back then
it was like, No, you're notgoing to own my story. It's my
story, because then I couldnever publish it or change it or
update it or do anything withit. Right. So I wanted to own my
story. So I created a company sothat I could publish that. And I
was looking into media. I mean,it was a book. And so I was
(27:34):
thinking, well, maybe I'll dosomething else later. I don't
know. But I had no plans pastthat. But now it's reached into
I was blogging, I have a blog, Ihave other books, I have a
podcast, I have a YouTubechannel. So I am looking to
share my message on alldifferent kinds of media. And
(27:55):
those are the four things thatare really important to me are
faith, family, friends andfreedom.
Stephanie Olson (27:59):
Yeah. Isn't that great? How God set
something up? And you're like, Idon't know, this is he just, he
just puts it together? So I lovethat that is fantastic. So
Daniel, how can people find you?
What's the best way for peopleto find you?
Danielle Bernock (28:19):
On my website, everything can be accessed from
my website. I'm on all the majorsocials and I have my own
YouTube channel and my podcastVictoria souls podcast. But you
can all find them at Danielleburn uk.com It's B E R, N O CK
many people would jump to thething of a BU R, but it's B E?
Stephanie Olson (28:40):
Yes. I'll make sure to have that in all of the
notes of the podcast. I just Ilove your story I love your
resilience is what it is. Sothis is my final question for
you. What does resilience meanto you?
Danielle Bernock (29:04):
Ah, I've written about this resilience is
is a big thing. And the mostvisual way someone who can
visualize me explaining it, itwas take a spring in your hand
and you push it together andpull it apart. That is
resilience, its ability to beable to bounce back from
(29:24):
something terrible or hard ordifficult, and be able to live
life and thrive again. Afterthat. There's different ways you
can build resilience. I mean,it's something you can actually
work on so that you can make itstronger inside of yourself. So
it's not just something you haveor you don't have though some
people do tend to be born withmore of it than others depending
(29:49):
on their personality. Yeah, butI've written about it before
because it is an importantaspect and the more resilience
you have, the less likely You'llfall into trauma, but it doesn't
make you impervious to itbecause salutely trauma happens
to even the strongest people. Imean, people who go to war in
(30:10):
that they are trained. And Ihave a friend who I interviewed
for my book because you matterhe, he's a trauma coach. He was
in the military, he was trainedin resilience. I mean, his story
was amazing what he put himselfthrough to build resilience
before he was done growing up.
Yet still, he ended up withPTSD. So it's not a guarantee,
but it is something that you canadd to your life.
Stephanie Olson (30:34):
Okay, so not my final question. So now, here. So
talk about what that means tobuild resilience. How do you do
that?
Danielle Bernock (30:45):
Well, one of the articles that I've written,
I talked about five ways you canbuild resilience. One is
building up your sense of humor.
One way you can see if maybe youdon't have such great resilience
is can you laugh at yourself. Icouldn't laugh at myself. For
the longest time, I was sofilled with shame. That when
any, anytime I did anythingwrong, or made a mistake, self
(31:08):
condemnation was just all overthat, right? There's no
resilience in that. So helpingyour sense of humor to grow is
one thing that you can do tobuild resilience. building
healthy relationships is anotherway. Studies have shown that
healthy relationships, mitigatetrauma. And children, if they
(31:32):
are going through what couldn'tbe called a trauma exposure,
it's a situation that couldcause trauma. But if they are
surrounded with love, andnurture, they can actually they
have the possibility of goingthrough that. And emerging
without any trauma, right?
That's amazing, right? Sohealthy relationships, and
(31:55):
unhealthy relationships,oftentimes, are a side effect of
trauma, right? dependence. And,you know, the refusal of asking
for help, because that's calledcounter dependence, all kinds of
different trauma responses, butthere are, there are many things
you can do to build resentment.
So those are two
Stephanie Olson (32:13):
examples. And we can learn more about that
from, from your writings andyour work. And so one more time,
what is your website,
Danielle Bernock (32:23):
Danielle bernanke.com. I also do coaching
to help people if you wantsomeone to walk alongside you
with that you don't want to justread stuff, because sometimes,
you know, you want someone withyou. Sometimes you want the
privacy of it. Sometimes youwant someone with you, but
healing really happens withinthe confines of relationships.
So you should find someone tohelp you whether it's a friend,
(32:44):
a pastor, a counselor, I'm not acounselor, or a coach, but you
should get someone to walk thatroad with you because we weren't
created to walk through lifealone.
Stephanie Olson (32:55):
No, we were not definitely. Well, I really
appreciate you sharing yourstory and just the amazing work
that you're doing today. And youdefinitely are the picture of
resilience. So thank you so muchfor for just sharing who you are
and helping others through thethings that you've learned. It's
(33:18):
just incredible. Thank you.
Danielle Bernock (33:20):
It's my pleasure.
Stephanie Olson (33:21):
Thank you. And thank you for listening to
resilience in life andleadership. We'll see you next
time. Thank you for listening.
Please share with anyone youthink will benefit from this
podcast.
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