Stephanie Olson Talks Addictions and Shame; Resilience in Life and Leadership Episode 047

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Everyone has resilience, but what does that mean and how to we use it in life and leadership? Join Stephanie Olson, expert in resiliency and trauma, every week as she talks to other experts living lives of resilience. Stephanie also shares her own stories of addictions, disordered eating, domestic and sexual violence, abandonment, and trauma; and shares the everyday struggles and joys of everyday life. As a wife, mom, and CEO she gives commentaries, and, sometimes a few rants, to shed light on what makes a person resilient. So, if you have experienced adversity in life in any way, and you want to learn how to better lead your family, your workplace, and, well, your life, this podcast is for you!

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Everyone has resilience, but what does that mean, and how do we use it in life and leadership? Join Stephanie Olson, an expert in resiliency and trauma, every week as she talks to other experts living lives of resilience. Stephanie also shares her own stories of addictions, disordered eating, domestic and sexual violence, abandonment, and trauma, and shares the everyday struggles and joys of everyday life. As a wife, mom, and CEO she gives commentaries and, sometimes, a few rants to shed light on what makes a person resilient. So, if you have experienced adversity in life in any way and want to learn how to better lead your family, your workplace, and, well, your life, this podcast is for you!

https://stephanieolson.com

Episode Transcript

Stephanie Olson (00:00):
Thank you for listening, please share with
anyone you think will benefitfrom this podcast. Hello, and
welcome to resilience and lifeleadership. I'm Stephanie Olson.
And I want to talk a little bitabout addiction and shame today.
Because a lot of people withaddiction and whatever that
addiction is, I have atremendous amount of shame. That

(00:23):
goes along with that addiction.
That makes sense. Because whenwe have an addiction, we
typically hide that addiction,because of that shame. The thing
is, is that when we come out ofthat addiction, first of all, we
have to be willing to go gethelp when we're in the middle of
it. And that requires us to comeout of that shame and talk to

(00:46):
somebody. But when we are in thewhen we come out of that
addiction, still having shame totell people that that's where
you were, and I want to talkabout that a little bit. I am a
recovering alcoholic, I havebeen sober for 20 years, and had
trauma early on in my lifereally kind of affected how my

(01:09):
life currently has. You know howmy life, the trajectory of my
life, the trauma in my lifeearly on. And then later on
throughout life affected thetrajectory of my life. That's
what I'm trying to say. And Iwas always looking for

(01:29):
something, something to make mefeel better, something to stop
the anger something to numb me.
And that's what I was lookingfor. Now, I will say that I
believe that I actually waspredisposed to alcoholism. I

(01:50):
think there's two kinds ofalcoholics. I think there's the
the people who are predisposedto alcoholism, so they've got
those genetics in their family.
And that's just something thatabsolutely happens.
Because you have those genetics,you're predisposed, you have
that first drink, and boom, andyou don't even realize where it

(02:11):
came from. That I think they'realso the alcoholics or addicts
who become that way throughhabit. And so maybe they are
drinking every night because ofyou know, I look at COVID, for
example, and what happened in dedrinking became so typical, and
what we were doing with alcoholand coping, or whatever those

(02:36):
those addictions were, thatbecame a way to cope. And I
think that a lot of times thatcan become habitual. So now, I
am an addict, because this iswhat I have taught myself over
the past 21 days or whatever ittakes, like 21 days to form a

(02:56):
habit. And so that can happenover time. So those are the two
kinds of addicts that I thinkthat I see typically now, I was
predisposed. Now I know somethings that I didn't know
before. But my grandparents usedto every day at four o'clock

(03:17):
sharp have a martini, I'm not amartini, forgive me, grandma and
grandpa, a Manhattan is reallyimportant because Manhattan's
were yummy to me, even at theage of four, and I would go over
to their Manhattan every day atfour o'clock. And I would take

(03:38):
the maraschino cherry out of theManhattan and eat that. Now,
here's the deal. There were MaraTino cherries in our
refrigerator, I could have hadthat maraschino cherry in my
refrigerator at any time. But Iwanted the ones soaking in the
Manhattan. Now. Even when Istarted drinking at about 16

(04:01):
which I really drank to feelprettier, funnier, better about
myself, I wanted to fit in. Butwhat it did for me was made me
forget, made me numb to thethings that I was struggling
with. Already. There were a lotof lot of things going on. I was

(04:23):
drink a little different than myfriends. I remember thinking,
you know, gosh, I can't wait forthat next drunk next weekend. I
was always looking forward tothat. And so it was just
different than my friendsdrinking seem to be. And so it
was a way of life. For me. Itwas something that just happened
all of the time or as often as Icould get that alcohol. When I

(04:50):
went to college, I startedexperimenting with drugs a
little bit and not to the extentof the alcohol that was really
my drug of choice. choice. But Iabsolutely did experiment in
certain things. Now it's sointeresting because when I look
back today, I always say, gosh,yeah, I can see the hand of God

(05:10):
on my life. I'd become aChristian at a very young age.
And so I although I completelyturn my back on on him, I really
do believe that he was with meall of the time, because there
were times when I would go to aparty, and I would see lines of
coke on the table. And I justknew that if I would have had

(05:33):
that line, I would have beendone. There was just something
about it that I knew I would bedone. So had some experiment
with some drugs, but reallystayed away from the hard stuff.
But alcohol was my drug ofchoice. And I drank a lot. Now,

(05:57):
when I could when I was an adultand actually could buy my own
alcohol. Then it turned intosomething that was almost more
of an everyday thing, because Icould go home after work and
have a glass of wine. I could dothose things. And I was a very
refined drinker. I will tellyou, I got those big jugs of

(06:22):
Carlo Rossi so that, you know, Imean, refined. That's what I'm
saying. SoI went through a bad abuse of
marriage, just like my mom gotdivorced. And by the grace of
God met and married my husbandtoday, Eric, who is an amazing

(06:45):
man. But I was still drinkingevery day. Now I would do little
things that would you know,because I never thought it was a
problem. I really never thoughtI was an alcoholic. And even by
the time I was daily drinking, Ialways thought I'm not an
alcoholic because I don't drinkin the morning. I'm not an

(07:08):
alcoholic, because I don't drinkout of a bag. I'm not an
alcoholic, whatever. Whateverexcuses I could come up with
that, that justified. I'm not analcoholic. Now, my husband and I
you know, we got married. And wehad a try, you know, we started

(07:28):
our family. That's a whole otherstory that I will talk about
some some other day. But I woulddrink and hide it. Shame. I
knew, I guess that drinkingconsistently during the day at

(07:49):
this point, I was a stay at homemom, my little girl was you know
a baby too. By the time Istopped drinking, she was about
18 months old. And I drank everyday. Now, I finally got smart
and was able to drink otherthings in the house. Other than

(08:12):
my wine so I could pour my firstbottle of bottle of wine. I
could pour my first glass ofwine when my husband came home
and tell him honestly, this ismy first glass of wine. Because
he started to notice that thejug of Carlo Rossi was getting a
little lower quickly. Now Iwould tell them things like well

(08:35):
I spilled it which wasinevitably true at some point I
would have spilled it or I wouldsay these this is the the change
in that dynamic that shame. Iwasn't telling him I'm drinking
it all during the day. Now Iwould start to modify a little

(08:57):
bit because I thought gosh,maybe I do have a problem. I
would never have called myselfan alcoholic at that time but
maybe I have a problem. And so Iwould do little things like well
maybe I'll only drink when we'reout won't drink at home only
drink when we're out Well I madesure we went out every day that

(09:18):
week. Well okay that's notworking maybe I'll only drink
during special occasions andthen there would be a good Oprah
on and by gosh that specialoccasion enough. And I realized
eventually that I was trying todo things so that I would
moderate my drinking but itnever worked. It never worked.

(09:39):
Now before this I will also tellyou that I was a two pack a day
smoker so moderation was nevermy thing. I'm a pretty addictive
I have a pretty addictivepersonality. So I'm gonna say so
two pack a day smoker, quitsmoking when we got married.
Don't advise that Bad idea. ButI did quit smoking. But the

(10:02):
drinking continued and only gotworse now alcoholism, addiction,
all of those things areprogressive diseases. So they
continue to go on, even if sotoday, I have been sober 20
years. If I were to pick up abottle right now and start
drinking, it would be like I hadnever stopped. That's important

(10:24):
to recognize with addictions. Sofinally, one day, I put my
daughter to bed. She was a baby.
And at this point, I wasblacking out every single night.
I don't remember putting mydaughter to bed. I don't
remember putting her jammies onI don't remember those things.

(10:46):
And in fact, if I had to wake upthe next morning, I would have
to set my alarm early, early inthe evening, because I knew that
by the end of the night, Iwouldn't remember. Still didn't
consider myself an alcoholic. Bythe way, blacking out is a huge
sign of alcoholism. And Iblacked out for the first time.

(11:07):
When I started drinking. My veryfirst drinking experience, I
blacked out, maybe anindication. So I woke up one
morning,and I walked into my daughter's
room, and her changing table,and her crib was covered in red
wine. She had been sleeping init all night long. I was

(11:30):
horrified, not horrified enoughto quit drinking. But I was
horrified. And I started tothink maybe there might be an
issue. Finally, after a baddrunk, and I don't even know
what it was. I decided I neededto cut back. And so I called a
12 step program. They don't helpyou cut back, it's quit or

(11:55):
nothing. And I went to my firstmeeting and heard a lot of
differences. But I really keyedin on the similarities. That was
really important. And then Ithought, well, this isn't for
me. And my husband suggested Igo one more time go to a place
close to home. So I didn't Iwalked in. And it was his

(12:20):
church, and it was on Wednesday.
Now Wednesday is traditionallyChurch Night. And I thought this
is choir night. What am I doinghere? And I started to walk in
and I saw three women that werejust dressed to the nines look

(12:40):
amazing. I was thinking they'regoing to choir practice. And one
of them I recognized I hadworked with her for years,
adored this woman. And I wasashamed. And I walked in. And
they could tell that I wasinsecure that I felt bad that I
was ashamed. And there was asign at the front of the church.

(13:05):
And it said, AA. And one of thewomen put her hand on the sign
and moved it over and said, Iguess that's where the meeting
is. And I looked at them stunnedbecause I couldn't believe they
were going to a meeting. Andthey looked at me and said, Is

(13:26):
this your first meeting? I said,Well, my second. So went into
the meeting with them with thecomfort and strength of having
three women supporting you,which is incredible. I walked
out with them. And they took meout for coffee. And those women

(13:46):
supported my journey for a longtime. One of them became my
sponsor. And it was amazing.
What was so cool about that wasthat those women had never been
to that meeting never went sincethat was a God thing. got sober
and stayed sober. It wasn'teasy. It has not been easy. You

(14:06):
know, people who lose theircraving, that's amazing. And
that wasn't me. And it's a hardthing. You know, most people
relapse. It's very common. Bythe grace of God, I have not
relapsed. And I have been soberfor 20 years. But I will tell
you, it has been hard. Therehave been times and even last

(14:31):
year, I experienced a time whereI drove past a bar and thought I
want to go in and that's whereyour support system comes in.
But in order to have a supportsystem, you have to remove that
shame that knowing that whatyou're experiencing regardless

(14:52):
of the addiction, whether it'salcohol, whether it's drugs,
whether it's porn, whether it'sfood, whatever it is You can get
help. I believe that it's adisease or if people are
uncomfortable with the disease,it's like an allergy. Because
once that addiction hits you,that addiction is the one

(15:17):
working in you. It's no longeryou, there's a saying that, you
know, while I'm sitting here inthe meeting, my my addiction is
out in the parking lot doingpush ups. That's what it's like.
And so we have to be alert atall times. But there is no shame

(15:37):
in that. There is no shame intelling people that you're an
addict. Now, I don't go aroundtelling everybody I mean, I got
a public platform. So you know,people, no, but people I just
meet. I mean, the Hi, I'mStephanie, I'm an alcoholic. I

(15:57):
don't do that. Save that formeetings. But I'm not ashamed of
it.
And I will talk to people aboutit, you know, people, no longer
do people ask me if I'mpregnant, if I'm not drinking,
that's kind of sad. But I havehad people try and pressure me

(16:21):
to start drinking. And I've hadto say, I'm an alcoholic, I
don't drink. And that usuallyshuts people up right away. But
I'm not ashamed of it. In fact,I am proud of my journey. I am,
I am proud of the fact thatknowing that alcohol took over

(16:46):
my life. And I was able toovercome that. That's huge. I'm
proud of that. I'm not ashamed.
I'm not ashamed to tell peopleI'm an alcoholic. I'm not
ashamed to talk about it. I'mnot ashamed to answer questions,
not ashamed. And that's what Iwant for you. You know,

(17:09):
addiction, addiction switchingis very common. And so
sometimes, you know, we leave,that's why I drank even more
after I quit smoking. Then Istarted drinking even more, I
was still drinking, but itincreased heavily when I quit
smoking. But when I quitdrinking, I knew that I needed a

(17:33):
different coping mechanism thatI knew that I needed a new
addiction. Because we do cravewhatever that is. And so I
poured that into my faith, Ipoured that into working out, I
poured that into, to things thatwere much healthier than

(17:55):
alcohol. Now, so I had a lot ofsugar because sugar had alcohol
has a lot of sugar in it. So yougot to, you know, you got to
cover yourself. But I wasn'tashamed. And I don't want you to
be ashamed. Don't be ashamed ofthe fact that you had an

(18:17):
addiction that tried to take youout. Be proud of the fact that
you didn't let it don't beashamed that you spent time
hiding. Whether you're hidingwith food, whether you're hiding
with drinks, whether you'rehiding with drugs, don't be

(18:39):
ashamed of the fact that youspend time hiding. Be proud of
the fact that you came out ofhiding. You deserve to be
fulfilled in a way that doesn'trequire numbing and you deserve

(19:00):
the freedom that breaking freefrom your addiction allows.
There is nothing more freeingthan not having to go smoke not
having to have a drink, nothaving to eat something not

(19:22):
having to do drugs, not havingto watch porn, whatever it is.
There's nothing more freeingthan knowing that you don't have
to do that. Because you haveovercome and there's nothing
more amazing and and somethingworse shouting from the rooftops

(19:48):
than that. So be proud ofyourself. No shame. And thank
you for listening. That's whatresilience is all Thank you for
listening please share withanyone you think will benefit
from this podcast