April 16, 2025 • 28 mins
What if all your struggles with food aren't actually about food at all? This eye-opening conversation launches a powerful three-part series called "The Truth About Peaceful Eating: What No One Told Us," exploring the complex relationship between faith, food, and freedom.
Hosts Heidi and Christina vulnerably share their decades-long battles with food obsession and body image, revealing how these struggles often mask deeper spiritual hungers. Through personal stories—from classroom candy binges to secret nighttime eating—they illuminate how food becomes a battlefield when we believe we're not enough, that God is disappointed in us, or that we must fix ourselves to be worthy of love. This conversation offers both compassion and hope for anyone trapped in cycles of shame and food obsession.
Ready to discover what you're really hungry for? Join us as we taste and see that the Lord is good in ways food could never satisfy.
Learn more about our Revelation Within Community: https://www.revelationwithin.org
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hi and welcome to our podcast Revelation Within On
the Go.
I'm Heidi Bilesma-Epperson, oneof your hosts and the owner and
lead coach of theRevelationWithinorg ministry.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
And I'm Christina Motley, your other host, also a
Revelation Within coach andHeidi's partner in all things
Revelation Within, and we are sohappy to invite you to join us
for this episode of RevelationWithin on the go.
Yay, yay, we're so glad you'rehere with us today.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Yes, so glad, so glad .
So today we're startingsomething a little different.
This is going to be a threepart series called the Truth
About Peaceful Eating what noOne Told Us.
I love that title and thisepisode is what if the problem
isn't the food I don't know?
(01:00):
I think that's a really good.
What if?
Frankly, what I want to sayright here at the top is this
isn't intended to be a salespitch.
We don't want to pressure youor persuade you, but we are
inviting you into a conversationand really it's a sacred,
honest one about something thatI don't know.
I'm guessing many of us, I knowI have struggled with this for
(01:25):
years and years, and we are inthe process of preparing a brand
new class that we're excitedabout, called Transforming Grace
Discovering Peaceful Eating.
That will be live in June of2025.
Live in June of 2025.
June of 2025.
(01:51):
Live in June of 2025.
We are so excited about this?
Yes, definitely so.
It just makes sense that it'stime for us to invite a
conversation about somethingthat many of us have struggled
with for years.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
Yes, for years and really maybe even decades.
I'm raising my hand for thatone.
If you are listening right now,chances are you've spent a lot
of time and energy trying tofigure out how to fix your
eating, how to fix your body,how to fix you, and chances are,
if you're anything like me, youhave had a belief for a long
(02:22):
time that if those things werefixed, everything else would
fall into place too, and wewould have a perfect existence.
It's all about that.
It's all about that.
Is it on your mind?
Speaker 1 (02:39):
all the time, yeah, and it might be something that
nobody ever knows you'rethinking about all the time.
I remember feeling that wayyears and years and years ago.
It was this thought that ifonly I could get this figured
out, everything else in lifewould either not be as important
(02:59):
or it would fall into place.
Anyway, yeah, and.
But in my case back then thiswas like in the 1990s.
If I could date myself, oh yeah, I just always tried to fix the
food.
I tried to fix the food andmove my body to excess, actually
.
But what if the problem isn'tfood?
(03:21):
And what if it was never thefood?
Yeah right, christina and Ihave both seen this over and
over and over again in our ownlives and also in the lives of
hundreds, if not thousandsmillions.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
I don't know about millions, but definitely
hundreds and several thousandfor sure.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
Of the women and some men, some brave men, that we've
had the pleasure and privilegeof walking alongside.
We keep thinking that if we canjust get the right plan, the
right food, the right injection,the right discipline, then
everything will finally fallinto place.
But, that's not usually true andthe food is rarely the real
(04:11):
issue.
And it's sad in some ways.
It feels so sad because it'slike if it was the food we could
fix that and then everythingwould be perfect.
But food is rarely the issue.
In fact, it's really what foodis standing in for in our lives.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
Oh, that's good.
Yeah, that's so true, it's thestory.
Speaker 1 (04:31):
We're telling ourselves that every time we
feel like out of control, or wefeel ashamed, or we're
disappointed or lonely, or sador happy or you name it Anything
, what are we turning to food todo?
And that, right there, let'szero in on that.
It's what food is standing infor Right.
Speaker 2 (04:54):
Oh, I really, I really like that.
I don't know that we've usedthose words before.
Yeah, I don't think.
So what is food standing in for?
Well, the truth is, foodbecomes a battlefield when we
believe that we're not enoughthat's a big one, that's huge
and when we believe that God isdisappointed in us another big,
(05:14):
huge one that so many of us canrelate to, and when we believe
that we have to fix ourselves tobe worthy of love, to be
valuable, that's another onethat is so, so big.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
I want to just zero in on those for a moment.
This idea that we're not enough.
It feels a little bit like it'sthe human condition, and we
sometimes solve it supposedly bybolstering up our own ego or
trying to surround ourselveswith others who will do that.
Or in the case of food andeating, I know for me I was
(05:52):
really good at dieting and Iwould get praised and told how
awesome I was doing if I lostweight.
And you know, that's just notwhere I want to hang my hat,
it's not where I want to get mysense of value.
The second one you mentioned,christina, was when we believe
God is disappointed in us.
You know what that is a lie.
(06:14):
That is a lie.
He's not disappointed in us,and I keep coming back to again
and again Romans 5, 8, that Goddemonstrates his love for us in
this While we were still well,pretty disappointing.
If anybody could have beendisappointed, then it would have
been God.
Then, with our behavior, whilewe were still sinners, christ
(06:37):
died for us, but he wasn'tdisappointed.
He had a plan.
He went to work, he got busy,he gave his son for us.
So do I really believe that Ihave power enough to disappoint
him when he has already provideda way so that the righteousness
(06:57):
of God can be attributed to me.
I mean, that's what scripturesays he who knew no sin became
sin on my behalf so that in himI might become, become the
righteousness of God.
Do I really believe my choicescan thwart the greater plan of
God?
No, and then fix ourselves tobe worthy of love.
(07:19):
There are a lot of people Ihave heard over the course of
the ministry years I've investedin this.
I've heard people say and Iprobably said it too that I
don't feel lovable when I amthis broken over something that
so many people I feel like in mymind are normal about.
(07:40):
Normal, what is normal?
It's a setting on your dryerabout.
But normal what is normal?
Speaker 2 (07:45):
It's a setting on your dryer it is, it's a setting
on your dryer.
I love that.
I think that for me, when Ithink about what I'm thinking
about, which is what we talkabout a lot, what am I thinking
about all day long?
And it's like when I thinkabout that intentionally, I can
see what's going on with me,what's going on with my heart,
(08:08):
that I'm having these thoughtsall the time and the thoughts
that I used to have all the time, every spare minute.
You know I'd go to work and I'dbe busy and I'd work with the
kids.
You know I was teaching, or I'dbe at home with my own kids, or
or at the grocery store.
You know I'm busy and doingthings every spare minute.
(08:28):
Where does your mind go?
Where would my mind go?
Every spare minute my mindwould go to?
I don't think I look good inthis outfit.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
Why did I wear this?
Speaker 2 (08:39):
I feel like I should go home and change.
Like I'm not comfortable in myown skin.
Why did I eat that?
Why did I eat so much?
Oh, I wish I hadn't now, butactually I kind of want some
more.
Like we're so tortured and thatwas me from about the age of 14,
15 until my mid forties.
It's like I just struggled somuch with this very constant
(09:04):
thought life about what I wasdoing wrong food, eating, body
image and nobody really knewthat was.
That was my little secretthought life and it was so
discouraging, it was so sadreally when you think about it.
You know, here I am playingwith my kids at the park.
(09:25):
I remember this so well Everytime I went to the park with the
kids and we loved going to thepark and they're playing and
it's such a good thing.
And what am I doing?
I'm comparing myself to theother moms.
You know, am I the biggest onehere?
What about what I'm wearing?
What about what they're wearing?
You know, it's just oh, it wasawful and I'm honestly, I'm
(09:47):
embarrassed to say it.
I mean, how many years were mythoughts full really of myself,
my own shortcomings, my ownshame?
That's when we go to food andthen, because we feel so much
shame from going to food, we goto food again, and it's again,
(10:08):
and again.
It's that cycle.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
Right, Right.
Well, there's a verse that Ilove in 1 Samuel 16, verse 7.
It says people look at theoutward appearance, but the Lord
looks at the heart.
Yes, you know.
We've spent so much of ourlives, like you were just saying
, Christina focused on outwardappearance, on how we look on
(10:34):
how much food is on our plate,how much we weigh the number we
see on the scale or the size inour pants, when all along, God's
gaze, God's gaze, has beenresting gently on our hearts.
Yes, he looks at our heart.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
Yeah, it's true, he sees what's going on.
You know, behind the franticbehavior, what is food standing
in for?
God sees it, he knows it, heknows what we need.
And let's just say it again Godhas never once been
disappointed, not one time.
That's not who he is.
(11:12):
He has not been disappointedand he won't be I mean many
seasons actually.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
I was like again and again and again, when I was so
frustrated with myself in oneparticular case, and actually
repeatedly, I struggled so muchwith nighttime eating.
I could do well all day, andthen evening would hit and I
would crumble and I kept sayingwhat is my problem?
Speaker 2 (11:46):
Now, that's not a very loving way of approaching
it, but isn't that what we sayto ourselves all the time?
That is, that is yes.
Speaker 1 (11:53):
What I never stopped to ask until much later is what
am I actually hungry for?
I wasn't hungry for food when Iwould turn to food.
Yes, I was hungry for peace, Iwas hungry for the Lord.
I was hungry for peace, I washungry for the Lord, I was
hungry for rest, for grace, forall the things that he is, his
(12:16):
presence would give me.
And since we have been made byGod with a God-shaped hole in
our hearts, in our mindswhatever you want to call it we
will search for something tofill it.
God wants us to search for him,and each time we sense that
emptiness, he wants us to cometo him.
And initially we come to himfor salvation and recognize his
(12:36):
Lordship, his provision on thecross, but then, once we're in
Christ, we want to keepre-upping, so to speak, turning
to him again and again, becausehe alone is the source of peace,
the source of true rest for oursouls and for grace.
Speaker 2 (12:54):
Yeah, oh, that's so, so true.
And one of my favorite thingsthat you say sometimes, heidi,
is we long to be perfect becausewe're longing for heaven.
That has been so kind offreeing and healing to me
because I've struggled with thatidea of I'll never get this,
I'm not doing it right, you know, I'm not doing it well enough,
(13:15):
that idea of perfectionism andbeing able to just let that go
and say you know what?
I'm longing for heaven.
That's okay, that is fine, thatmakes sense.
So I love, I love that, okay.
So I'm going to remember aseason as well and, yes, I've
had many, many, many, many.
So this is one where my husbandand I we got married in
(13:40):
California.
I lived in California that'swhere I'm from and then we moved
to Colorado to start a wholenew life together when we had
been married for a year.
And I got this amazing jobamazing in many ways challenging
, different, new, exciting.
It was a team teaching positionfor a double first grade
(14:01):
classroom, 45 students.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
And so this other teacher.
Basically she and I were likemarried.
I mean, you know I'm joking,but of course we spent so much
time together and we were in theclassroom all day and she was
the Spanish part and I was theEnglish part.
It was also bilingual and thewhole thing was about language.
(14:26):
It was a fantastic, it was anexperiment.
It was an experiment and wewere given a full-time aid.
Okay, so every day at the end ofthe day, I mean, we were so
high energy.
We're singing all day, we'rejust loving on these kids
writing reading.
We had, you know, so manythings going on in the same room
.
You can just imagine.
(14:46):
We had this huge classroom.
I picture a three ring circus.
It was so much fun but it wasexhausting.
Of course we had the best time.
I mean, I look back with somuch fun this over those years.
But this is what we did everyday.
We kind of had this thing, thisroutine.
The kids would walk out thedoor, we'd hug them all, wave
(15:08):
goodbye, see you tomorrow, andthen that my team teacher and I
would lay down on the floor.
No, but seriously, we would laydown on the floor and kind of
just, you know, decompress thatway and kind of laugh about how
tired we were.
And then we would go to ourdesks, which were together like
(15:31):
in an L shape, and we wouldstart planning and talking about
the next day with eating and wewould pull out food.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
Now, I never heard this story before.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
Yeah, well, that's why I thought I better come up
with some new, a new story here.
Yeah, and so, um, we pulled outcandy, we pulled out chips and
homemade salsa, we, we pulledout all kinds of it.
She was an amazing cook, so shealways had something baked
(16:06):
goods.
I usually just brought thestuff that you can buy at the
store, but it was our normalroutine that we pulled out all
this food and sat there for oneto two hours planning, lesson
planning and eating.
I'm not kidding, and again,keeping it real here, it's kind
of embarrassing to admit thisand, to be honest, in the world
(16:30):
of teaching that is not unusual.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
Yeah, yeah, I was a teacher too, I know.
Speaker 2 (16:36):
Yeah, and the lounge is full of so much food at all
times and people are eating alot.
There's a lot of a lot ofstress, super high energy with
being a teacher and there's alot of a lot of people who
struggled with overeating inthat profession.
It just is.
And so, yeah, I mean we didthat and no wonder I was gaining
(17:01):
weight all the time, all thetime.
It's no wonder when I look backand my teen teacher, who I
absolutely adored she was one ofmy best friends at the time.
Of course you know shestruggled with the same thing,
and so that is one where I canlook back.
We taught together for fouryears in this double classroom
(17:22):
before I got pregnant with myfirst and then I ended up
becoming a part-timeinterventionist.
But that was a long time to havea pattern like that.
We were deeply entrenched in it.
It didn't give you true soulrest either.
No, not at all.
It didn't give us at all whatwe wanted.
What it gave us was fullbellies.
(17:44):
That didn't feel good.
What it gave, what probablymade us feel physically worse?
Actually, we probably felt morelethargic as we ate that food
and by the time we got home wewere just ready to lay on the
couch for the rest of theevening.
So let's go to Matthew 11, 28,which so many of us know.
(18:05):
Come to me.
Who's talking here?
Speaker 1 (18:09):
It's.
Speaker 2 (18:09):
Jesus, it's Jesus.
And he's looking right at me.
He's looking right at me.
He's looking right at you withlove in his eyes, like a best
friend.
He's looking at you layingthere on the floor with your
girlfriend.
He's looking at me laying onthe floor.
He's looking at me knowing thatI have all this food in my
(18:32):
drawers, ready to pull out inthe desk.
And he's saying Christina, cometo me, you who are weary and
burdened, and I will give yourest.
Yay, he didn't say.
And he wouldn't say come to mewhen you finally got your eating
under control, or when thenumber on the scale says X, y, z
(18:57):
, or when your pants size isthis, then come to me and I'll
give you rest.
No, he says come right now.
And when I think back to thattime, you know we were working
in a school of poverty it waslike 90% poverty and it was
migrant workers, kids working inthe fields and their parents
(19:20):
were working in the fields andthose families had lots of needs
and the kids had lots of needs,lots of needs, academic and
emotional needs, physical needs.
We were exhausted, we wereburdened for our students and
families.
We love them, but where thissays all who are weary and
(19:41):
burdened.
I'm thinking, yes, we were, wewere and obviously we are now,
for many reasons.
God understands, he knows thatwhen our hearts are heavy, we go
for relief, we go for somethingthat will help, and when we're
tired, for something that willhelp.
(20:05):
And when we're tired, not justtired, but weary.
Weary is like tired of tired,it's like a deeper version of
tired, I think.
And God says, jesus says, comeright now I have all you need.
Speaker 1 (20:17):
I love that and really know, really, when we
have quote failed in our efforts, you know whether it is to
offer God this aspect of ourlives the food, eating and body
image aspect of our lives, orsome other failure of some kind.
He's still saying come to me.
He is still saying, and come tome, come to me.
(20:41):
So we want to offer aninvitation to the listeners
today.
Just a general question to kindof carry with you but consider
this what if your eatingstruggles aren't evidence of
failure of any kind, but aninvitation, like Jesus whispers
(21:01):
in Matthew 11, 28,?
an invitation into deeper grace.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
Oh, I love that.
Oh, I love that.
That feels so much better whenyou said that first part, heidi,
and I thought, failure, oh, oh,failure, failure.
And then you said, but aninvitation into deeper grace, oh
, I'll take that one.
(21:27):
Okay, I'm going to throwanother.
What if out there?
What if, instead of tryingharder, we start listening more
closely to what our hearts arereally hungry for?
That feels good, doesn't it?
That's another one that it'slike okay, I'll take that one.
That sounds hopeful to me.
Speaker 1 (21:49):
You know, and it made me think of all of those times,
both in the past and not sodistant past, like last night,
when I might think, okay, whatam I hungry for?
And I am already planning whatfood I'm going to eat, whether
I'm hungry or not.
It's not true physical hunger,it's what sounds good, what
sounds tasty, what sounds likefun.
Speaker 2 (22:12):
What's going to be an upgrade, because I'm needing an
upgrade right now?
Speaker 1 (22:16):
Yeah, because I'm tired of whatever's going on and
I want to feel happy, and soeither I numb out with food or I
upgrade with food or whatever.
But really you know what, if Iwere to turn that into?
What am I really hungry for?
What is my soul hungry for?
What is the emptiness that's inthere that I want to throw food
(22:39):
at?
Because really physical foodwill only satisfy physical
hunger.
Anything else I throw physicalfood at is still going to be
there.
Speaker 2 (22:50):
Well, and it's going to make it feel worse, is the
thing?
You feel worse after you'reeating for the wrong reasons?
Speaker 1 (22:57):
You just feel worse.
Romans 8.1 is one of my favoriteverses, of course, and I quote
it often.
It says there is now nocondemnation for those who are
in Christ.
What would it look like?
I mean, what if here's another?
What if?
Yes, I love those.
What ifs?
What if it's true?
(23:18):
Not just when I have my Sundaybest on or when I'm behaving
myself, but when I'm sneakinginto the kitchen and hoping
nobody's going to notice thatI'm going back for the second
dish of ice cream, or whateverit might be?
What would it look like tobelieve that there is no
condemnation for me because I'min Christ?
(23:40):
Yes, yes, not just in church,but also at the kitchen table?
Speaker 2 (23:45):
Well, I was thinking about the kitchen at church,
because that's what I used to do.
I used to go in the kitchen atchurch and find the leftovers in
there usually like ice cream orsomething.
Speaker 1 (23:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:59):
So that's what I connected when you said that the
kitchen at the church.
What's in the cupboards atchurch?
Oh, my.
God.
No I love that question.
It's like what would it feellike?
What would my day look like,what would my thoughts look like
in my mind if I really believethat there's no condemnation in
(24:21):
Christ at all?
It's just no, it's not there.
Oh, I love that, so hopeful,Okay.
So this is exciting.
Next time we're going to talkabout something that has
completely changed our lives,Heidi and I, and our journey
with food, eating, body image,the whole shebang.
(24:44):
And that is the practice ofmind renewal.
Are you surprised Of the mind.
I know I'm saying it like it'sbrand new.
Well, that's the cool thingabout mind renewals it can be
brand new every time.
It's brand new every time, Iknow.
But if you've been with us evenfor 10 minutes, you'll know
that this is our thing.
(25:04):
Oh my gosh, it's just, it'slife changing, it's
transformative.
So we want to get into.
How do we actually changewhat's driving our eating
patterns, those destructivepatterns that you cannot seem to
get out of?
You know, you're just feelingso stuck in that, and Heidi and
(25:26):
I both know how that feels.
And then, how do we shift thebeliefs underneath the behavior?
Because that's why we'rebehaving a certain way.
We're believing something there.
And again, what's in mythoughts, what's going on in my
thought life all day long?
Let's get into some of that.
Speaker 1 (25:47):
Yeah, we will.
It's really not about willpoweror self-discipline or all of
those things that we've beentold it's about or told
ourselves I don't have anyself-discipline, or I don't this
, or I am that, or what is wrongwith me.
What it is about is truth, andwe can't wait to share more of
(26:08):
that with you, of course, inpart two.
We'll get there next timearound.
Speaker 2 (26:12):
Yes, okay.
So let's end today with Psalm34, 8.
I love this verse.
Taste and see that the Lord isgood.
Blessed is the one who takesrefuge in him.
So we'll leave you with thisyour freedom isn't in a plan,
it's in a person.
Oh, it's Christ, it's Christ.
Speaker 1 (26:35):
Yay, more coming to you soon.
Yay, more coming soon.
Speaker 2 (26:39):
Thanks for being here .
We hope that you'll join us forpart two, our next episode of
revelation within
Hi and welcome to our podcast Revelation Within On
the Go.
I'm Heidi Bilesma-Epperson, oneof your hosts and the owner and
lead coach of theRevelationWithinorg ministry.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
And I'm Christina Motley, your other host, also a
Revelation Within coach andHeidi's partner in all things
Revelation Within, and we are sohappy to invite you to join us
for this episode of RevelationWithin on the go.
Yay, yay, we're so glad you'rehere with us today.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Yes, so glad, so glad .
So today we're startingsomething a little different.
This is going to be a threepart series called the Truth
About Peaceful Eating what noOne Told Us.
I love that title and thisepisode is what if the problem
isn't the food I don't know?
(01:00):
I think that's a really good.
What if?
Frankly, what I want to sayright here at the top is this
isn't intended to be a salespitch.
We don't want to pressure youor persuade you, but we are
inviting you into a conversationand really it's a sacred,
honest one about something thatI don't know.
I'm guessing many of us, I knowI have struggled with this for
(01:25):
years and years, and we are inthe process of preparing a brand
new class that we're excitedabout, called Transforming Grace
Discovering Peaceful Eating.
That will be live in June of2025.
Live in June of 2025.
June of 2025.
(01:51):
Live in June of 2025.
We are so excited about this?
Yes, definitely so.
It just makes sense that it'stime for us to invite a
conversation about somethingthat many of us have struggled
with for years.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
Yes, for years and really maybe even decades.
I'm raising my hand for thatone.
If you are listening right now,chances are you've spent a lot
of time and energy trying tofigure out how to fix your
eating, how to fix your body,how to fix you, and chances are,
if you're anything like me, youhave had a belief for a long
(02:22):
time that if those things werefixed, everything else would
fall into place too, and wewould have a perfect existence.
It's all about that.
It's all about that.
Is it on your mind?
Speaker 1 (02:39):
all the time, yeah, and it might be something that
nobody ever knows you'rethinking about all the time.
I remember feeling that wayyears and years and years ago.
It was this thought that ifonly I could get this figured
out, everything else in lifewould either not be as important
(02:59):
or it would fall into place.
Anyway, yeah, and.
But in my case back then thiswas like in the 1990s.
If I could date myself, oh yeah, I just always tried to fix the
food.
I tried to fix the food andmove my body to excess, actually
.
But what if the problem isn'tfood?
(03:21):
And what if it was never thefood?
Yeah right, christina and Ihave both seen this over and
over and over again in our ownlives and also in the lives of
hundreds, if not thousandsmillions.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
I don't know about millions, but definitely
hundreds and several thousandfor sure.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
Of the women and some men, some brave men, that we've
had the pleasure and privilegeof walking alongside.
We keep thinking that if we canjust get the right plan, the
right food, the right injection,the right discipline, then
everything will finally fallinto place.
But, that's not usually true andthe food is rarely the real
(04:11):
issue.
And it's sad in some ways.
It feels so sad because it'slike if it was the food we could
fix that and then everythingwould be perfect.
But food is rarely the issue.
In fact, it's really what foodis standing in for in our lives.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
Oh, that's good.
Yeah, that's so true, it's thestory.
Speaker 1 (04:31):
We're telling ourselves that every time we
feel like out of control, or wefeel ashamed, or we're
disappointed or lonely, or sador happy or you name it Anything
, what are we turning to food todo?
And that, right there, let'szero in on that.
It's what food is standing infor Right.
Speaker 2 (04:54):
Oh, I really, I really like that.
I don't know that we've usedthose words before.
Yeah, I don't think.
So what is food standing in for?
Well, the truth is, foodbecomes a battlefield when we
believe that we're not enoughthat's a big one, that's huge
and when we believe that God isdisappointed in us another big,
(05:14):
huge one that so many of us canrelate to, and when we believe
that we have to fix ourselves tobe worthy of love, to be
valuable, that's another onethat is so, so big.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
I want to just zero in on those for a moment.
This idea that we're not enough.
It feels a little bit like it'sthe human condition, and we
sometimes solve it supposedly bybolstering up our own ego or
trying to surround ourselveswith others who will do that.
Or in the case of food andeating, I know for me I was
(05:52):
really good at dieting and Iwould get praised and told how
awesome I was doing if I lostweight.
And you know, that's just notwhere I want to hang my hat,
it's not where I want to get mysense of value.
The second one you mentioned,christina, was when we believe
God is disappointed in us.
You know what that is a lie.
(06:14):
That is a lie.
He's not disappointed in us,and I keep coming back to again
and again Romans 5, 8, that Goddemonstrates his love for us in
this While we were still well,pretty disappointing.
If anybody could have beendisappointed, then it would have
been God.
Then, with our behavior, whilewe were still sinners, christ
(06:37):
died for us, but he wasn'tdisappointed.
He had a plan.
He went to work, he got busy,he gave his son for us.
So do I really believe that Ihave power enough to disappoint
him when he has already provideda way so that the righteousness
(06:57):
of God can be attributed to me.
I mean, that's what scripturesays he who knew no sin became
sin on my behalf so that in himI might become, become the
righteousness of God.
Do I really believe my choicescan thwart the greater plan of
God?
No, and then fix ourselves tobe worthy of love.
(07:19):
There are a lot of people Ihave heard over the course of
the ministry years I've investedin this.
I've heard people say and Iprobably said it too that I
don't feel lovable when I amthis broken over something that
so many people I feel like in mymind are normal about.
(07:40):
Normal, what is normal?
It's a setting on your dryerabout.
But normal what is normal?
Speaker 2 (07:45):
It's a setting on your dryer it is, it's a setting
on your dryer.
I love that.
I think that for me, when Ithink about what I'm thinking
about, which is what we talkabout a lot, what am I thinking
about all day long?
And it's like when I thinkabout that intentionally, I can
see what's going on with me,what's going on with my heart,
(08:08):
that I'm having these thoughtsall the time and the thoughts
that I used to have all the time, every spare minute.
You know I'd go to work and I'dbe busy and I'd work with the
kids.
You know I was teaching, or I'dbe at home with my own kids, or
or at the grocery store.
You know I'm busy and doingthings every spare minute.
(08:28):
Where does your mind go?
Where would my mind go?
Every spare minute my mindwould go to?
I don't think I look good inthis outfit.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
Why did I wear this?
Speaker 2 (08:39):
I feel like I should go home and change.
Like I'm not comfortable in myown skin.
Why did I eat that?
Why did I eat so much?
Oh, I wish I hadn't now, butactually I kind of want some
more.
Like we're so tortured and thatwas me from about the age of 14,
15 until my mid forties.
It's like I just struggled somuch with this very constant
(09:04):
thought life about what I wasdoing wrong food, eating, body
image and nobody really knewthat was.
That was my little secretthought life and it was so
discouraging, it was so sadreally when you think about it.
You know, here I am playingwith my kids at the park.
(09:25):
I remember this so well Everytime I went to the park with the
kids and we loved going to thepark and they're playing and
it's such a good thing.
And what am I doing?
I'm comparing myself to theother moms.
You know, am I the biggest onehere?
What about what I'm wearing?
What about what they're wearing?
You know, it's just oh, it wasawful and I'm honestly, I'm
(09:47):
embarrassed to say it.
I mean, how many years were mythoughts full really of myself,
my own shortcomings, my ownshame?
That's when we go to food andthen, because we feel so much
shame from going to food, we goto food again, and it's again,
(10:08):
and again.
It's that cycle.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
Right, Right.
Well, there's a verse that Ilove in 1 Samuel 16, verse 7.
It says people look at theoutward appearance, but the Lord
looks at the heart.
Yes, you know.
We've spent so much of ourlives, like you were just saying
, Christina focused on outwardappearance, on how we look on
(10:34):
how much food is on our plate,how much we weigh the number we
see on the scale or the size inour pants, when all along, God's
gaze, God's gaze, has beenresting gently on our hearts.
Yes, he looks at our heart.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
Yeah, it's true, he sees what's going on.
You know, behind the franticbehavior, what is food standing
in for?
God sees it, he knows it, heknows what we need.
And let's just say it again Godhas never once been
disappointed, not one time.
That's not who he is.
(11:12):
He has not been disappointedand he won't be I mean many
seasons actually.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
I was like again and again and again, when I was so
frustrated with myself in oneparticular case, and actually
repeatedly, I struggled so muchwith nighttime eating.
I could do well all day, andthen evening would hit and I
would crumble and I kept sayingwhat is my problem?
Speaker 2 (11:46):
Now, that's not a very loving way of approaching
it, but isn't that what we sayto ourselves all the time?
That is, that is yes.
Speaker 1 (11:53):
What I never stopped to ask until much later is what
am I actually hungry for?
I wasn't hungry for food when Iwould turn to food.
Yes, I was hungry for peace, Iwas hungry for the Lord.
I was hungry for peace, I washungry for the Lord, I was
hungry for rest, for grace, forall the things that he is, his
(12:16):
presence would give me.
And since we have been made byGod with a God-shaped hole in
our hearts, in our mindswhatever you want to call it we
will search for something tofill it.
God wants us to search for him,and each time we sense that
emptiness, he wants us to cometo him.
And initially we come to himfor salvation and recognize his
(12:36):
Lordship, his provision on thecross, but then, once we're in
Christ, we want to keepre-upping, so to speak, turning
to him again and again, becausehe alone is the source of peace,
the source of true rest for oursouls and for grace.
Speaker 2 (12:54):
Yeah, oh, that's so, so true.
And one of my favorite thingsthat you say sometimes, heidi,
is we long to be perfect becausewe're longing for heaven.
That has been so kind offreeing and healing to me
because I've struggled with thatidea of I'll never get this,
I'm not doing it right, you know, I'm not doing it well enough,
(13:15):
that idea of perfectionism andbeing able to just let that go
and say you know what?
I'm longing for heaven.
That's okay, that is fine, thatmakes sense.
So I love, I love that, okay.
So I'm going to remember aseason as well and, yes, I've
had many, many, many, many.
So this is one where my husbandand I we got married in
(13:40):
California.
I lived in California that'swhere I'm from and then we moved
to Colorado to start a wholenew life together when we had
been married for a year.
And I got this amazing jobamazing in many ways challenging
, different, new, exciting.
It was a team teaching positionfor a double first grade
(14:01):
classroom, 45 students.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
And so this other teacher.
Basically she and I were likemarried.
I mean, you know I'm joking,but of course we spent so much
time together and we were in theclassroom all day and she was
the Spanish part and I was theEnglish part.
It was also bilingual and thewhole thing was about language.
(14:26):
It was a fantastic, it was anexperiment.
It was an experiment and wewere given a full-time aid.
Okay, so every day at the end ofthe day, I mean, we were so
high energy.
We're singing all day, we'rejust loving on these kids
writing reading.
We had, you know, so manythings going on in the same room
.
You can just imagine.
(14:46):
We had this huge classroom.
I picture a three ring circus.
It was so much fun but it wasexhausting.
Of course we had the best time.
I mean, I look back with somuch fun this over those years.
But this is what we did everyday.
We kind of had this thing, thisroutine.
The kids would walk out thedoor, we'd hug them all, wave
(15:08):
goodbye, see you tomorrow, andthen that my team teacher and I
would lay down on the floor.
No, but seriously, we would laydown on the floor and kind of
just, you know, decompress thatway and kind of laugh about how
tired we were.
And then we would go to ourdesks, which were together like
(15:31):
in an L shape, and we wouldstart planning and talking about
the next day with eating and wewould pull out food.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
Now, I never heard this story before.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
Yeah, well, that's why I thought I better come up
with some new, a new story here.
Yeah, and so, um, we pulled outcandy, we pulled out chips and
homemade salsa, we, we pulledout all kinds of it.
She was an amazing cook, so shealways had something baked
(16:06):
goods.
I usually just brought thestuff that you can buy at the
store, but it was our normalroutine that we pulled out all
this food and sat there for oneto two hours planning, lesson
planning and eating.
I'm not kidding, and again,keeping it real here, it's kind
of embarrassing to admit thisand, to be honest, in the world
(16:30):
of teaching that is not unusual.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
Yeah, yeah, I was a teacher too, I know.
Speaker 2 (16:36):
Yeah, and the lounge is full of so much food at all
times and people are eating alot.
There's a lot of a lot ofstress, super high energy with
being a teacher and there's alot of a lot of people who
struggled with overeating inthat profession.
It just is.
And so, yeah, I mean we didthat and no wonder I was gaining
(17:01):
weight all the time, all thetime.
It's no wonder when I look backand my teen teacher, who I
absolutely adored she was one ofmy best friends at the time.
Of course you know shestruggled with the same thing,
and so that is one where I canlook back.
We taught together for fouryears in this double classroom
(17:22):
before I got pregnant with myfirst and then I ended up
becoming a part-timeinterventionist.
But that was a long time to havea pattern like that.
We were deeply entrenched in it.
It didn't give you true soulrest either.
No, not at all.
It didn't give us at all whatwe wanted.
What it gave us was fullbellies.
(17:44):
That didn't feel good.
What it gave, what probablymade us feel physically worse?
Actually, we probably felt morelethargic as we ate that food
and by the time we got home wewere just ready to lay on the
couch for the rest of theevening.
So let's go to Matthew 11, 28,which so many of us know.
(18:05):
Come to me.
Who's talking here?
Speaker 1 (18:09):
It's.
Speaker 2 (18:09):
Jesus, it's Jesus.
And he's looking right at me.
He's looking right at me.
He's looking right at you withlove in his eyes, like a best
friend.
He's looking at you layingthere on the floor with your
girlfriend.
He's looking at me laying onthe floor.
He's looking at me knowing thatI have all this food in my
(18:32):
drawers, ready to pull out inthe desk.
And he's saying Christina, cometo me, you who are weary and
burdened, and I will give yourest.
Yay, he didn't say.
And he wouldn't say come to mewhen you finally got your eating
under control, or when thenumber on the scale says X, y, z
(18:57):
, or when your pants size isthis, then come to me and I'll
give you rest.
No, he says come right now.
And when I think back to thattime, you know we were working
in a school of poverty it waslike 90% poverty and it was
migrant workers, kids working inthe fields and their parents
(19:20):
were working in the fields andthose families had lots of needs
and the kids had lots of needs,lots of needs, academic and
emotional needs, physical needs.
We were exhausted, we wereburdened for our students and
families.
We love them, but where thissays all who are weary and
(19:41):
burdened.
I'm thinking, yes, we were, wewere and obviously we are now,
for many reasons.
God understands, he knows thatwhen our hearts are heavy, we go
for relief, we go for somethingthat will help, and when we're
tired, for something that willhelp.
(20:05):
And when we're tired, not justtired, but weary.
Weary is like tired of tired,it's like a deeper version of
tired, I think.
And God says, jesus says, comeright now I have all you need.
Speaker 1 (20:17):
I love that and really know, really, when we
have quote failed in our efforts, you know whether it is to
offer God this aspect of ourlives the food, eating and body
image aspect of our lives, orsome other failure of some kind.
He's still saying come to me.
He is still saying, and come tome, come to me.
(20:41):
So we want to offer aninvitation to the listeners
today.
Just a general question to kindof carry with you but consider
this what if your eatingstruggles aren't evidence of
failure of any kind, but aninvitation, like Jesus whispers
(21:01):
in Matthew 11, 28,?
an invitation into deeper grace.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
Oh, I love that.
Oh, I love that.
That feels so much better whenyou said that first part, heidi,
and I thought, failure, oh, oh,failure, failure.
And then you said, but aninvitation into deeper grace, oh
, I'll take that one.
(21:27):
Okay, I'm going to throwanother.
What if out there?
What if, instead of tryingharder, we start listening more
closely to what our hearts arereally hungry for?
That feels good, doesn't it?
That's another one that it'slike okay, I'll take that one.
That sounds hopeful to me.
Speaker 1 (21:49):
You know, and it made me think of all of those times,
both in the past and not sodistant past, like last night,
when I might think, okay, whatam I hungry for?
And I am already planning whatfood I'm going to eat, whether
I'm hungry or not.
It's not true physical hunger,it's what sounds good, what
sounds tasty, what sounds likefun.
Speaker 2 (22:12):
What's going to be an upgrade, because I'm needing an
upgrade right now?
Speaker 1 (22:16):
Yeah, because I'm tired of whatever's going on and
I want to feel happy, and soeither I numb out with food or I
upgrade with food or whatever.
But really you know what, if Iwere to turn that into?
What am I really hungry for?
What is my soul hungry for?
What is the emptiness that's inthere that I want to throw food
(22:39):
at?
Because really physical foodwill only satisfy physical
hunger.
Anything else I throw physicalfood at is still going to be
there.
Speaker 2 (22:50):
Well, and it's going to make it feel worse, is the
thing?
You feel worse after you'reeating for the wrong reasons?
Speaker 1 (22:57):
You just feel worse.
Romans 8.1 is one of my favoriteverses, of course, and I quote
it often.
It says there is now nocondemnation for those who are
in Christ.
What would it look like?
I mean, what if here's another?
What if?
Yes, I love those.
What ifs?
What if it's true?
(23:18):
Not just when I have my Sundaybest on or when I'm behaving
myself, but when I'm sneakinginto the kitchen and hoping
nobody's going to notice thatI'm going back for the second
dish of ice cream, or whateverit might be?
What would it look like tobelieve that there is no
condemnation for me because I'min Christ?
(23:40):
Yes, yes, not just in church,but also at the kitchen table?
Speaker 2 (23:45):
Well, I was thinking about the kitchen at church,
because that's what I used to do.
I used to go in the kitchen atchurch and find the leftovers in
there usually like ice cream orsomething.
Speaker 1 (23:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:59):
So that's what I connected when you said that the
kitchen at the church.
What's in the cupboards atchurch?
Oh, my.
God.
No I love that question.
It's like what would it feellike?
What would my day look like,what would my thoughts look like
in my mind if I really believethat there's no condemnation in
(24:21):
Christ at all?
It's just no, it's not there.
Oh, I love that, so hopeful,Okay.
So this is exciting.
Next time we're going to talkabout something that has
completely changed our lives,Heidi and I, and our journey
with food, eating, body image,the whole shebang.
(24:44):
And that is the practice ofmind renewal.
Are you surprised Of the mind.
I know I'm saying it like it'sbrand new.
Well, that's the cool thingabout mind renewals it can be
brand new every time.
It's brand new every time, Iknow.
But if you've been with us evenfor 10 minutes, you'll know
that this is our thing.
(25:04):
Oh my gosh, it's just, it'slife changing, it's
transformative.
So we want to get into.
How do we actually changewhat's driving our eating
patterns, those destructivepatterns that you cannot seem to
get out of?
You know, you're just feelingso stuck in that, and Heidi and
(25:26):
I both know how that feels.
And then, how do we shift thebeliefs underneath the behavior?
Because that's why we'rebehaving a certain way.
We're believing something there.
And again, what's in mythoughts, what's going on in my
thought life all day long?
Let's get into some of that.
Speaker 1 (25:47):
Yeah, we will.
It's really not about willpoweror self-discipline or all of
those things that we've beentold it's about or told
ourselves I don't have anyself-discipline, or I don't this
, or I am that, or what is wrongwith me.
What it is about is truth, andwe can't wait to share more of
(26:08):
that with you, of course, inpart two.
We'll get there next timearound.
Speaker 2 (26:12):
Yes, okay.
So let's end today with Psalm34, 8.
I love this verse.
Taste and see that the Lord isgood.
Blessed is the one who takesrefuge in him.
So we'll leave you with thisyour freedom isn't in a plan,
it's in a person.
Oh, it's Christ, it's Christ.
Speaker 1 (26:35):
Yay, more coming to you soon.
Yay, more coming soon.
Speaker 2 (26:39):
Thanks for being here .
We hope that you'll join us forpart two, our next episode of
revelation within
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