January 22, 2025 • 45 mins
Does hiding chocolate under couch cushions hint at deeper struggles? In the Revelation Within On the Go Podcast, we candidly explore the secretive eating habits many of us face but rarely discuss. Through personal stories and sincere insights, we unpack the emotional triggers behind these behaviors, challenge misconceptions about a judgmental God, and reveal how embracing His compassion fosters healing and intimacy. Offering practical strategies—like nurturing evening routines and inviting God into our relationship with food—we aim to replace shame with truth, accountability, and community. Join our warm, honest conversations and find support as you navigate your journey toward freedom and renewal.
Learn more about our Revelation Within Community: https://www.revelationwithin.org
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hi, welcome to our podcast Revelation Within On the
Go.
I'm Heidi Biles-Mapperson, oneof your hosts and the owner and
lead coach of theRevelationWithinorg ministry.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
And I'm Kristina Motley, your other host, also a
Revelation Within coach andHeidi's partner in all things
Revelation Within.
We are so happy to invite youto join us for this episode of
Revelation Within On the go.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Hang on a minute, I gotta go.
Come back, come back to us, I'mhere, I'm here, I'm here, yeah,
well, so this week we had oursecond meeting with our five
month long coaching group,ladies, and it's a coaching
group that focuses on thechallenges of secretive eating.
(00:55):
So that's on my mind right now.
Yes, I thought we might want totalk about that a little bit,
and hopefully the listeners canwell.
I don't really want to say Ihope they can identify, because
I hope nobody can identify withthis.
But, christina, what do youthink of when you think of
secret eating or eating insecret?
Speaker 2 (01:16):
Well, the first thing that I think of is I don't want
to talk about this.
It's supposed to be a secret.
Yeah, it's a secret.
I mean, secrets bring up shame,secrets are embarrassing,
secrets are things that are hardto talk about.
So my first reaction when yousaid let's talk about this is no
(01:38):
, I don't want to.
But of course, of course I will, and of course I know and we've
talked about before howimportant it is to bring things
out into the light with the Lord, and that's where the healing
is.
So of course we want to talkabout secrets, but my first
(02:00):
response was no, no, you knowit's funny.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
I have this image in my mind.
If you were to do likeassociative stuff, like okay,
heidi, what do you think of whenyou hear the word this?
Or you know, we've had a littlefun with that secret of eating
instantly brings in an image forme of it's dark and it's quiet
and probably nobody's around,but it's definitely dark.
Speaker 2 (02:27):
Okay, well, I'm going to tell you the image that came
into my mind.
The first image was me as ateenager sitting on my couch in
my parents' home watching a showafter school, after school, and
having chocolate under a pillow, and lifting up that pillow and
(02:53):
realizing that it has meltedinto the couch.
And this was.
My parents were into Danishmodern furniture.
They were into what they callmid-century modern.
Now Our whole house looked likethat, and so the couch was like
this yellow tweed.
I was going to say I rememberthe tweed.
Speaker 1 (03:18):
Yes, it was one of those tweeds.
The chocolate melted gets inbetween.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
Yes, oh I was mortified because that was my
thing.
I would hide things next to me,food under the pillows, and it
was usually chocolate and Idon't know.
You know, for whatever reason,this one day it melted into the
little tweed of the couch and Iwas just like, oh my gosh, like
(03:44):
how do I even clean this?
How do you even begin?
And will it even come out?
And I was.
I was embarrassed, I wasashamed, I was just totally
mortified.
And then I have another onethat came to mind that these are
the two biggest ones.
When you know, I hear the wordsecretive eating, secret eating.
The second one I'm younger andI am looking around to make sure
(04:10):
nobody's there and I amclimbing up on the counter in
our kitchen.
I can imagine it's like it wasyesterday.
I can imagine how it feels toget my knee up there and climb
up open the cabinet and at thetop of the cabinet is a colorful
, beautiful actually.
I have the box now.
(04:31):
It has tea in it now, a boxwith beautiful flowers, this
colorful tin box with chocolatein it, and it was like a secret
chocolate box and that's how itwas presented to me.
That's how chocolate and youknow, sweets were presented to
(04:52):
me that they should be hidden,that they should be hard to
reach, that they're special in acertain way, that you know I
should sneak those.
I mean that's, you know, that'swhat I did, I did all the time.
Yeah, that's amazing.
Yeah, those are.
Those are the biggest two thatcome to mind immediately when I
think of, you know, my childhood, my teenager, hood, um, with
(05:16):
secret eating.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
Yeah, and for me there's.
It manifests in a whole bunchof different ways, and so these
thoughts kind of come filteringthrough my mind.
Of course, nobody's aroundeither.
If they are around, then I makesure that I'm not seen, even if
it means going into thebathroom.
Yes, oh yeah.
Another way I would eat insecret, if you would, is when I
(05:40):
was out in the car drivingaround, I'd go to the
drive-thrus and I always madesure I cleaned out the wrappers
before I, in the car drivingaround, I'd go to the
drive-thrus and I always madesure I cleaned out the wrappers
before I brought the car home.
The trick is, if it smells likeFrench fries in there, it
smells like French fries.
Have you ever and I know youprobably haven't done this has
anybody who's listening everdone this where you buy that
(06:01):
freshly baked French bread fromthe bakery at the grocery store
and you can't just eat half aloaf before everybody gets home?
Or before you get home you gotto eat a whole loaf and so you
buy two loaves because you don'twant them to see how much
you've eaten of the loaf if youonly buy one.
Have you ever done that whereyou've eaten a whole bunch of
(06:22):
French bread in secret?
Speaker 2 (06:24):
Well, yes, but this is kind of funny when you
mentioned French bread, and thenI want to go back to the French
fries.
So, the French bread this iswhat I did when the kids were
little.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
Are we triggering our listeners?
Speaker 2 (06:36):
We're definitely triggering each other.
No, I'm just kidding.
When the kids were little, whenI had three little ones in the
back seat and I wanted to Idon't know get away, do my own
thing, you know, have relief insome way, have a break, I would
take them to the grocery storeand we would get bread like that
(06:58):
and cheese and you know otherthings that you could just eat
with your fingers, with yourhands, and then I would give
them and myself big chunks ofthis bread in their little car
seats, and I would just take adrive and they were eating and I
put music on and it was like mylittle lovely I know, right, um
(07:21):
, we'll do it when I come visit.
No, okay, I have to go back tothe french fries, though,
because we won't talk about foodanymore, okay.
Well, and so the french fries.
This was a big one, because Iremember this again like it was
yesterday.
When I got my driver's license,I didn't have my own car, I
(07:42):
drove my parents' car.
It was an old Chevy Citationand I knew right away where I
wanted to go.
My first drive, all by myself,was to get French fries,
mcdonald's, mcdonald's, and tobe able to have to do it all in
(08:05):
secret.
There was nobody tracking meback then.
Now our family like tracks eachother.
Mostly for my youngest daughterthere was nothing like that.
So if you were out driving,nobody really knew where you
were, and I loved that idea thatI could just go anywhere,
anytime, anywhere, and get food,get what I wanted and, yes, I
(08:27):
got rid of the wrappers before Igot home.
Same thing open all the windows.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
Open all the windows.
Let it air out.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
Well, Southern California, that's easy to do,
you know.
Open the windows.
It was warm most of the timehere.
We're going to go down to minus13 this weekend, so that
wouldn't work as well here inColorado.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
So secret eating has for me also manifest in my
eating fast.
I've developed the habit overthe years of eating fast and I
realized as we started thiscoaching group this was the
first time it really came up forme was that my eating fast is a
symptom of me not wanting to beseen eating.
(09:09):
Yeah, even if I'm hungry oreven if I'm sitting down with
people, I eat fast.
I don't want to be seen eating.
It's just the strangest thing.
After everyone has gone to bedis another time when I have
eaten, in quote, secret.
But you know, here's the thing.
One of the things is that it'srare that it's as secretive as
(09:31):
we think.
You know, oftentimes people know.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
We think, just because everybody's in bed, that
they don't notice that.
You know, half the brownie panis missing, right?
You know half the brownie panis missing, right.
And then if I was left homeunexpectedly and nobody was here
, oh my gosh, what can I eat?
You know, it's almost like itwas a trigger for me.
Why do we do it?
What is going on here?
(09:57):
We're going to look at God'sword for a little while to talk
about that.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
Well, heidi, and you say that it's strange, but
honestly I don't think it's thatunusual.
I think that a lot of us havestruggled with this over the
years, with all of the stuffgoing on you know, in our
culture, with dieting mentalityWe've all been, many of us have
been restricted for so long andthere's really there's a lot of
(10:21):
shame around eating that causesus to want to do it in secret,
which is really really sad, andyou know we want to get away
from that for sure.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Right.
So let's look at is thissomething that is outside of
God's best for us?
I think we have a feeling forthat answer already but, let's
look at God's word to see whatit says about doing things
secretly or thinking that we'redoing things secretly.
Speaker 2 (10:45):
Okay, so Luke 8, 17,.
For nothing is hidden that willnot be made manifest, nor is
anything secret that will not beknown and come to light.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
This is where I wonder if it's going to be like
a big drive-in movie theaterscreen displayed across the sky
for the whole world to say see,this is Heidi's drive-through
issue.
Drive-through, yeah.
Oh my goodness, no, it's notgoing to be like that at all.
Psalm 44, 21 says God knows thesecrets of every heart.
(11:19):
So I mean my point is, inlooking at these verses, what
are God's thoughts about whatfeels like I'm getting away with
secret eating and I'm not?
He's there.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
He is there, he's there.
Speaker 1 (11:34):
And he's loving me in the midst of it, and I think
that's really important.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
Well, and I just I feel like this is like a huge
thing.
People are very much believingthat.
I don't know, I don't even knowif they're aware of it, I don't
even think they're aware of itbut it's like they're believing
that God is pointing the fingerat them, disappointed at them
lots of that you know.
And like he can't possibly besitting with me when I'm
overeating.
(12:00):
Are you kidding me?
This is awful.
Like he can't possibly besitting with me when I'm
overeating.
Are you kidding me?
This is awful.
Like, how can you even say that?
And I've been challenging a lotof people on that.
I'm like, let's look at thecharacter of God.
You know he knows our needs and, like you know, you've said so
many times, if Jesus was sittingnext to me on the couch and he
(12:22):
had five minutes with me and Ihad a bowl of food in my hand
and I'm not hungry what's hegoing to be focused on?
Is he going to be looking atthat food, is he?
No, he's going to look directlyinto my eyes, into my heart,
and he's going to be like oh,christina, you know I I'm sorry
that this has been so hard foryou and this has been, and I
(12:43):
know that your heart is hurtingbecause of this, and that's what
he would be talking about.
He'd have his arms around me.
The food would be likeirrelevant almost, because the
food is just a way that I getrelief sometimes, or I try to.
It's a counterfeit when we lookat who God is and we talk about
(13:05):
this all the time at Revelation.
Within he's a God of compassion, he's a God of grace and mercy
and understanding, and what doeshe want?
He wants us to be drawn intoHim.
He just wants to be close withus.
He just wants to do life withus, you know.
And so I think so many of usjust feel so condemned and like,
(13:29):
oh, I must be disappointing Godand I get that because I felt
like that for a very long timewhere it's like I must be
disappointing God and so ourrelationship, my relationship
with God, is broken because I'movereating.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
No, no, that's not the way, it is no way.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
No way.
And so, with some of the ladiesthat we're coaching and working
with, I love, love, love, loveto hear them say I'm feeling
closer with the Lord than ever.
You're still messing up, you'restill eating when you're not
hungry.
You know you're still going tocounterfeit comforts I mean,
that's part of being human butyour relationship with God is
(14:10):
growing, the intimacy is growing.
I love hearing that.
I love hearing that, with mindrenewal and some of the tools
that we have, just spending timewith him you know.
Speaker 1 (14:22):
it's true, god knows it all.
He knows it all.
He knows the secrets of everyheart.
Daniel 47, he's the God of godsand revealer of secrets, and
Deuteronomy 29, 29,.
The secret things belong to theLord, our God.
He knows, he owns them all.
He owns every minute.
He sees everything.
We're going to in a few minutes.
(14:46):
We're going to look at a longerpassage in Psalm 139, jeremiah
23,.
Who can hide in secret placesso that I cannot see them, do
not?
I feel heaven and earth?
And so in our so-called secretshe is there.
There is nothing hidden fromhis sight.
But he doesn't stand there witha club to bang our fingers or
(15:08):
bang us on the head or shakinghis finger at us.
That is the image it's like assoon as we bring up.
God knows it already.
We think, yeah, I know, andhe's wagging his finger at us.
That's not consistent with whatscripture seems to indicate
about God's character.
I mean, when I look atscripture, I see verses like
Romans 5a that says Goddemonstrates his own love for us
(15:30):
in this, that while I was stilla sinner, christ died for me,
and Romans 8.1, that there is nocondemnation for those who are
in Christ.
Right John 3.17 that says Godsent his son into the world not
to condemn the world, but thatthe world might be saved through
him.
And we could go on and on.
Like Ephesians, chapter one, itsays that he has called us to
(15:51):
be holy and blameless before himsince before the foundation of
the world, before we ever had aGodward thought, before we ever
said I'm going to lay down myeating and give it to you, god.
He loved us.
He loves us.
Now to the person who'sstruggling with bulimia and
throwing up with her head in thetoilet.
I'm sorry it's so graphic, butthat's just reality for many who
(16:13):
listen.
He is loving you right then.
He is loving you right then.
I think that your own heartacheand shame that you feel about
the secret of eating or aboutthe throwing up or the use of
laxatives or whatever it mightbe that causes his heart sadness
, not disdain, not right yesyeah, and none of those things
(16:36):
are consistent with who godreveals himself to be in his
word.
None of that is consistent and Ithink what, what has happened,
like you were saying.
It may be something that's kindof a portrait of God that's
painted for us in our churchesthese days I'm not sure.
Or if it's something that camethrough our childhood, it's
almost like a version of Santa.
(16:58):
You know, watch out, you betternot cry.
He's keeping track of if you'renaughty or nice, and that's
almost like what I think wethink God is like.
He's keeping track of if you'renaughty or nice, and that's
almost like what I think wethink God is like.
He's keeping track oh, she grewup again, or oh, she's
overeating again, or oh, she'sthinking again, or whatever, and
he's not like that.
The scriptures tell us he's theGod of all compassion and the
(17:19):
father of all comfort, and thenhe waits to show us compassion.
The scriptures are filled Oldand New Testament, by the way,
anyway.
So I'm tracking with you forsure.
So anytime we read God's wordand we see things like who can
hide in secret places, so Icannot see them.
It's not like a disapprovingparent.
(17:41):
Do you really think you canhide from me.
No, that's not what he's saying.
He's saying look kind of likein the Garden of Eden.
Where are you?
I want to see you, I want tolove on you, definitely so.
Speaker 2 (17:56):
One of the patterns that I got stuck in several
years ago, when my mother-in-lawwas living here, I had access
to satellite TV, which we'dnever had before, and I started
into this pattern.
I didn't plan it, I didn'trealize that I was getting into
it, but it lasted for about twoyears, and so I would wait until
everybody was in bed all threekids, mother-in-law.
(18:19):
I would actually go to bed withmy husband, wait until I heard
him sleeping, knowing that hewas sound asleep, and then I
would go back downstairs I'lluse the word sneak back
downstairs quietly, and we havean old, old house and so our
floors creak.
I mean, I was very intentionalabout sneaking and being quiet
(18:42):
and stepping in the right places.
I had a plan that I was goingto watch a certain show, and
then I had a plan of what I wasgoing to eat, and I had this
happening almost every night andit was.
It was a pattern and itdeveloped into something that I
thought about during the day andplanned you know, oh, what do I
(19:03):
have for tonight?
Speaker 1 (19:04):
What do I have for?
Speaker 2 (19:05):
my special time, me and the show.
And the show was a like a homeimprovement show where they
would take an old house that waskind of broken down and messed
up and didn't have a good floorplan and was old fashioned or
whatever, and they would turn itinto this beautiful, sparkling,
amazing transformed house.
(19:28):
And now, when I look back, Ithink that's why I was so drawn
to that show, because I was theone that needed transforming.
I was the one that was allbroken down and had, you know,
the walls in the wrong place.
I mean, it was me.
I hated where I was at, but Ikept it going, hoping that
somehow I could get some relieffrom stress, you know, some
(19:52):
comfort, some help.
My mother-in-law was living withus and she was declining.
She had lung disease and it wasdifficult.
It was hard to see her decline.
There was a lot of grievinggoing on.
Anyway, and I don't rememberexactly the timeline, I feel
like I was doing it when Istarted coaching with you,
(20:12):
because she was still here.
So I think, when I look back, Istarted coaching with you,
heidi.
I don't think we talked about it, but I was ashamed, it was a
secret, nobody knew nobody, ofcourse God knew, but somehow I
didn't think he was there.
I mean, he was, he was rightthere, like you just said, heidi
(20:34):
, but somehow I thought that byplanning and orchestrating this
event every night, where I waseating outside of my boundaries
I was definitely not hungry everwhen I did this that I was
somehow pushing him away andthen I would have to go back to
him when I was ready.
And that's not biblical, that'snot what the Bible says about
(20:57):
who God is.
God says in the Bible over andover and over I will never leave
you, I will always be with you,I will never forsake you.
He uses the word never andalways.
It's like 100%.
And so while I was doing this,every night he was there.
(21:18):
I thought he wasn't there, Ithought he was disappointed in
me, I thought I was pushing himaway, but he was right there
with me.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
And so.
Speaker 2 (21:28):
I went through this little process and I just want
to share this in case itencourages someone or in case
someone kind of needs some stepsto take.
Maybe you're in a similarsituation and I felt like God
was really calling me into this.
As I was coaching with Heidi, Iwas learning how to renew my
mind and I realized, whoa, Ineed to look at this with the
(21:52):
Lord.
So the first thing that I didwhich was really really hard at
first was to invite God in to bewith me during that time.
Mm-hmm was to invite God in tobe with me during that time and
it didn't feel right at first.
It felt really awkward andstrange, like I shouldn't be
doing this, I shouldn't invitehim to sit with me.
But I had needs.
(22:12):
I had things that were going onemotionally that I needed help
for.
I wasn't really getting thathelp and so I went to food and
TV counterfeits and God getsthat, he understands.
So the first thing I did wasinvite him in, and that was hard
enough.
Just that first step.
But over time it felt betterand better.
(22:34):
I was still eating, I was stillwatching the show, but I had
invited him in and he wasshowing me compassion and he was
loving me and I was readingmore and more about who he was.
Because, heidi, when you and Istarted coaching, we started
talking about who is God, what'syour view of God, and let's
(22:56):
write a God list and let'spraise him for who he is.
And so the more I did that, themore I realized that my view of
God was pretty inaccurate.
I have loved the Lord since Iwas a little girl, grew up in
the church and here I had thisview of him that he wasn't with
me when I was overeating.
I mean, that's a lot of shameto carry around a lot.
(23:19):
So then the second thing that Idid was turned off the TV.
Now, this took a while.
I would I let go of the foodlast.
I turned off the TV.
Maybe at first I only watchedpart of an episode.
I think that's how it was.
It was more of a baby step.
I watched part of an episodeand then I turned it off and
(23:40):
just spent a little bit of timetalking with God, and that was
hard.
I had the food.
I was all by myself with, youknow, with him.
It was late at night, we werehaving this kind of secret time,
but I began talking with himabout it and that was huge.
And it's not like every day Idid that same, like I would go
(24:00):
back and turn it on again.
It wasn't like the trajectorywas straight in a certain
direction.
I was going up and down and then, over time I remember this I
turned it off completely, the TVand it was just me and God and
the food.
Wow, I mean, that was huge.
You that anything was hiddenfrom him.
(24:21):
It wasn't.
Nothing was hidden from him.
He was right there, loving mewith so much compassion, even
delighting over me as I'm eating, and not hungry, but just more
and more.
I began to feel that acceptancewith him and just to know that
what he was interested in wasnot that bowl of food that I had
(24:42):
in my hands.
He was interested in my heart,my mind, what I was struggling
with.
So eventually I had less food,I brought less food, but I was
still eating, and eventuallyless.
And then one day I just pushedthe food aside and it was just
me and him.
And it's not like it changedeverything, because the next day
(25:04):
I had food again in my hand.
So it was, it was a process,but over time I realized that my
relationship with him and myfriendship with him was more
satisfying than the TV and thefood either one.
Wow, I mean, that was just hugefor me.
That really changed my wholerelationship with the Lord.
(25:27):
It changed my relationship withfood and it was just this kind
of like oh my gosh, I've beenlooking at this all wrong yeah.
Speaker 1 (25:36):
Well and you're not alone in that, I think so very
often we do.
We think that God is standingthere as a disapproving
taskmaster who's wondering whywe're doing that.
I think, if anything, it breakshis heart because he knows that
it's a product of us notturning to him and that it also
(25:56):
causes us such shame, and reallythat's the result of our secret
eating.
Speaker 2 (26:01):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (26:02):
And the shame actually.
Shame is tricky because it it'sa way that we have almost of
having a counterfeit conviction.
It's not conviction, it's notconviction at all.
The impact of shame is that itactually leads me to more shame,
and the enemy is all aboutshame.
(26:24):
And when I feel that much shame, I want to comfort myself.
Yeah, absolutely yeah,sometimes with the show and the
secret eating and all that.
And so I think you're right onthe money, and one reason why we
teach the God list and praisefest is such, as you know, is
such an important thing, and whyI began there with you was
(26:47):
because, as we adjust our viewof God to be more accurate, to
be reflective of what hediscloses about himself in
scripture, we want to be withhim, we want to surrender to him
, we see the possibilities ofhim satisfying you know, much
more than a TV show and food.
(27:09):
Let's look for a minute at God'sview of shame.
You want to?
Speaker 2 (27:12):
read Romans 10, 11?
.
Romans 10, 11, for thescripture says whoever believes
in him will not be put to shame.
It's right here.
What a relief how hopeful thisverse is.
Whoever believes in him willnot be put to shame.
Speaker 1 (27:32):
Yeah, and it's also in Isaiah the very same thing.
Isaiah 28, 16,.
Whoever believes in him willnot be put to shame.
Speaker 2 (27:42):
Shame is not from God .
I think that's something thatI've had to say to myself many
times Shame is not from God.
Shame is not from God, it isfrom the enemy.
It's not the famous conviction.
Speaker 1 (27:55):
There's a song.
It's been around since the1930s.
I looked this up last week, ohreally.
And it's Ain't no Grave.
But the part that I'm thinkingof is shame is a liar, cruel as
the grave.
Shame is a robber.
And it's come to take my name,my name in Christ.
I've got goosebumps, but loveis a redeemer and love is the
(28:18):
trumpet sound.
It's a great, great great song.
Speaker 2 (28:22):
Wow, that's powerful.
Well, and then Psalm 31,.
One in you, oh Lord, I put mytrust.
Let me never be ashamed.
Deliver me in yourrighteousness.
I mean it's beautiful.
And here here is the word never.
And so when God says I'm alwayswith you, I will never be away
(28:44):
from you, and then this versesays let me never be ashamed, I
mean that means that 24-7,.
There is no shame when I am inGod's presence.
There is no shame.
Speaker 1 (28:56):
And I'm in God's presence all the time.
Speaker 2 (28:58):
All the time.
Speaker 1 (29:00):
Yeah, yeah.
If we are experiencing shame,it is not because God has put
that on us.
Speaker 2 (29:06):
No.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
I used to say, and I still think it's true shame is
like the fingerprints of theenemy.
It says he's been prowling, andso I love Psalm 33, and this is
kind of his view, god's view.
You, o Lord, are a shield aboutme, my glory and the lifter of
(29:28):
my head.
For me, you can't feel shameand have your head lifted up,
and I can't have my head liftedup and feel shame.
They're mutually exclusive.
Right, god is the lifter of ourhead.
Y'all Isn't that awesome.
Speaker 2 (29:43):
I love that.
I love.
I think it makes me think aboutall the little kids that I used
to work with when I wasteaching.
And someone would do somethingthey weren't supposed to do and
we would sit down and talk aboutit, and their heads were down
right, their chins were down,touching their chest because
they felt so bad.
And then for me, to you know,love on them and say, well, why
(30:08):
did this happen?
Well, let's talk about it.
Well, let's work it out fornext time and be the lifter of
their head.
Oh, I love that.
That's beautiful.
Speaker 1 (30:17):
So how can we stop this secret eating thing?
It causes shame, it causes meto think I can hide from God or
certainly it will erodes my viewof God.
It kind of goes hand in handwith that and we have a couple
of ideas about that.
We've kind of mentioned somealready.
When I'm eating, I want tobring it into the light.
(30:37):
That's going to defeat theshame.
We suggest to some of thepeople that you know have been
in our classes and ourone-on-one coaching to have a
tea party with Jesus.
What is that, christina?
Speaker 2 (30:50):
What does that look like oh well, it's kind of like
what I was describing, exceptlet's really do it up.
Fun, let's do it.
Let's really, instead of hidingin the corner and turning off
the lights and trying not tostep on the floorboards that
will creak, let's bring it out,let's talk to God, let's invite
(31:13):
him to an actual little gettogether, a little party, where
we're going to talk aboutwhatever is on our heart,
whatever is on our mind, andhave food as a part of it.
I know it's like mind blowing.
Some of you are like what?
That's crazy.
I just know.
Do I have to be hungry to dothat?
No, you don't have to be hungryto do that, and that's the
(31:38):
thing.
That's where it's like wait todo that, and that's the thing
that's where it's like wait,wait, what?
But let's bring it all out.
Bring out those favorite foods,bring out the foods that you go
to for comfort and put them ona special plate and set a place
for the Lord.
I know, I know you're like Ican't do this, but this is where
we become free, he's thereanyway.
(32:01):
He's there anyway and he knowswhy I'm emotionally attached to
mashed potatoes.
He knows why because of mygrandmother.
And he knows he wants to teachme, he wants to be in there with
me, he wants to love me throughit.
He knows why on that particularday I was so sad and I couldn't
(32:21):
stop crying.
Okay, it was two days ago, Imean.
He knows he was there with meand so if the food is there too,
it's all right.
It's all right.
Bring it all into the light.
That's where healing begins.
The more we hide, the more weallow shame to increase, the
(32:42):
less that we will go towardhealing and freedom and and all
those things that we want peace.
You know there's no peace inthat.
So I love the idea of doingthat.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
I love it.
I like for me.
When I think of having a teaparty with the Lord too.
I'm talking to him about thefood.
Yes, like I would if there wasa friend present, because he is
my friend, and so this soundsreally good to me right now.
Lord, I like this crunchy thing, or I like this, whatever it
might be.
Anyway, I don't want to triggeranybody, like we did maybe at
(33:14):
the beginning.
Speaker 2 (33:16):
Everybody's in the drive-thru right now.
Speaker 1 (33:19):
So it really is helpful to bring it out into the
light.
God is there anyway, and alongwith that can come this I'm free
to have accountability maybe,maybe I need to talk about it
with a friend.
I, I mean, I bet you.
Well, you already said,christina, you didn't talk to
anybody about your date with theTV and the food.
Yeah, not even your coach.
Speaker 2 (33:41):
No, not at the beginning.
We talked about it later.
Speaker 1 (33:44):
But when we were just brand new.
Speaker 2 (33:46):
I was so embarrassed.
I remember just thinking.
I don't know if I can tellanybody this.
This is so scary to share.
Speaker 1 (33:54):
And I know a lot of people have said that, see, and
for me, if I feel shame, it doesreflect on my view of God and
it corrodes my view of God.
I can't see him clearly whenI'm stuck in a place of shame,
because somehow I associate himwith that shame and it's a lie
he is shame is a liar Cruel is agrave.
(34:18):
It's a robbery Come to take myname.
My name in Christ is free one,so anyway, we want to look at.
Maybe another way of breakingfree is to look at are there
lies that I am believing thatare at the heart of my turning
to secretive eating?
Speaker 2 (34:37):
What is the truth?
Speaker 1 (34:39):
And that is something that I have found.
At the heart of it is I havelies, I believe, about who God
is and what he's like, and sothe best way to deal with that
is not to grit my teeth and stopeating the food at night or in
between, whatever, when nobody'saround.
The best way of handling thatis to get with God and open his
(35:02):
word and see what are you reallylike, lord.
I wanted us Christina to sharePsalm 139, verses 1 to 12.
We often bop on over to verse14, but there's a lot of really
good stuff in those first 12verses, of course, and so, when
it comes to hiding from the Lord, or what does he want, I just
(35:23):
love this passage.
Speaker 2 (35:24):
Yes, well, you know, it's my favorite Psalm, it's my
favorite Psalm.
Speaker 1 (35:28):
Why don't you read the first 12 verses of it?
Speaker 2 (35:32):
Oh, lord, you have examined my heart and know
everything about me.
You know when I sit down orstand up.
You know my thoughts, even whenI'm far away.
You see me when I travel andwhen I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
You know what I'm going to sayeven before I say it.
(35:54):
Lord, you go before me andfollow me.
You place your hand of blessingon my head.
Such knowledge is too wonderfulfor me, too great for me to
understand.
I can never escape from yourspirit.
I can never get away from yourpresence.
If I go up to heaven, you arethere.
(36:16):
If I go down to the grave, youare there.
If I ride the wings of themorning, if I dwell by the
farthest oceans, even there yourhand will guide me and your
strength will support me.
I could ask the darkness tohide me and the light around me
to become night, but even indarkness, I cannot hide from you
(36:40):
.
To you, the night shines asbright as day.
Darkness and light are the sameto you.
Speaker 1 (36:49):
I love that.
I love it so much.
Speaker 2 (36:53):
I think I'm going to renew my mind this weekend with
this over and over, because, boy, it's what I need to hear today
.
Speaker 1 (36:59):
Yeah, what will that look like for you?
Renewing your mind with thisover and over, because, boy,
it's what I need to hear today.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (37:04):
What will that look like for you, renewing your mind
with this?
Well, I think what I'll do is,you know, kind of have it on my
phone, I might write it out, orI might type it out on my phone
and just have these verses andthen I might do different things
over the weekend.
I might pray through it.
Sometimes I'll do a help meprayer with scripture where it's
like Lord, help me to Lord,help me to Lord, help me to
(37:26):
believe this, help me toremember that kind.
Or sometimes I'll do a thankyou where it's like oh God,
thank you, thank you for this,and thank you that you know my
thoughts and thank you, andthank you that you know my
thoughts and thank you.
So I might do that.
I might just choose one verseand just memorize it and say it
to myself again and again.
(37:46):
There's a lot of differentthings that I could do with this
, a lot.
I might share it with somebodyelse.
I might even make an audio outof it on my phone.
That's what I should do andthen have that with me so that
when, maybe, when I am believinga lie and here's the truth
(38:07):
right here about God and me andsecrets and light and darkness
the truth is right here and whenI'm struggling with that, I can
just hit, play and hear myselfspeaking God's own words.
Speaker 1 (38:22):
Right, exactly, you know another way of kind of
dealing with the root ofthinking I can eat in secret and
nobody will see me or nobodywill know or whatever is to look
at when it began with the Lord,invite him in.
Look at when did I first starteating in secret, when did I
(38:44):
first start sneaking and whathas been true of my secretive
eating and maybe even creating atruth list about it?
And we talk a lot about truthlists in our classes and in our
community and we have on ourpodcast.
If I look at when it began andwhy it began, what is the
earliest I remember sneaking?
And when you were telling thestory at the beginning of our
(39:06):
episode today about climbing upto the get the chocolate and the
special colorful box, yes,reminded me of I don't know how
little I was I must've beenreally like four, maybe five and
I climb up on the stove.
There was a shelf up near theceiling that had this great big
(39:27):
copper container and it was ahuge.
It was a big like a gallon sizethat had cookies in it.
Speaker 2 (39:33):
Oh wow, Way up there yes.
And I somehow Above the stoveeven, which is so dangerous to
climb on, oh crazy.
Speaker 1 (39:43):
But yeah, and so that's the earliest I can
remember sneaking, and so I'mgoing to investigate that with
the Lord a little bit and seewhat comes of that.
Jesus said in John 8, 32, andwhile he wasn't talking about
secretive eating, he was sharinga principle that is true of our
secret of eating.
Then you'll know the truth, andthe truth will set you free.
(40:05):
Yes, I turn my back on what istrue.
I am not going to be able toreally come to the bottom of it
and figure out what is going onbehind what I think is going on.
Yes, going on is so oftendeeper than that, and so you
know, yes, I think God intendsthat we be able to face the
truth in our lives, heartaches,the challenges, and then,
(40:43):
inviting him in, he can use thattruth to bring us to a place of
freedom.
So, and of course, yeah, thesecretive eating coaching group
is another way.
We have a waiting list formingfor our next group.
If you want to get in on that,the next time we offer it, you
can visit revelationwithinorg.
Forward slash escape or click onclasses when you get to the
(41:07):
webpage revelationwithinorgforward slash escape.
Speaker 2 (41:11):
Yes, and it is a phenomenal class with full
curriculum.
It's fantastic Five months long.
Speaker 1 (41:18):
It's going to be a blast to see how God uses it in
the lives of this group.
Speaker 2 (41:25):
So, heidi, you went through a time in your life
where you did something in theevening that was so helpful and
beautiful and I thought thismight be something to share with
people who are listening.
It was.
It happened for you long afterI was doing that nighttime thing
(41:46):
with the um, the food and theTV show and all of that.
Otherwise, I know you wouldhave shared it with me then when
we were coaching, but it waswhen you were living in the
fifth wheel and you had eveningson your own and you created
this kind of a basket ofbeautiful, life-giving things to
do and engage with.
(42:07):
That brought you into the Lordand I remember, heidi, you
looked forward to that time.
You looked forward to it.
It was a sweet, sweet time withyou, between you and the Lord,
and I just was thinking aboutthat while you were talking,
because so many of us strugglewith evenings, whether we have
(42:28):
someone else in the house or not.
It's not just for people whoare living alone, it's for
everybody.
We struggle, we're tired.
In the evening, you know it'sdark.
Everything feels worse, kind of.
Our worries get bigger in theevening.
A lot of people struggle withthat time, so I wanted to ask if
you would share about that alittle bit.
Speaker 1 (42:50):
Oh sure, it kind of was my take on what we have
called the emergency kit orsurvival kit.
If there is a time of the daythat is more challenging, I can
plan for that by havingsomething that is just too good
to resist, and I don't mean food, and so for me, when I was
(43:12):
living in the fifth wheel, Iturned my bedroom into kind of a
sanctuary.
Yes, you did quiet time.
(43:36):
It was more than that, it wassweet.
You know, it was a translationof the Bible I don't usually use
.
I had cards and gifts peoplehad given me that I would pull
out.
I had a back scratcher so thatI mean I know that sounds so
silly.
No, not at all.
At one point I even had afavorite mug with.
I'm not a tea drinker, but Ifound one tea that I absolutely
(43:59):
love.
Yes, I'm drinking it right now.
I would make sure I had accessto that.
It was like almost like a spaday at night in my little camper
it was.
It really was kind of fun.
Actually I shouldn't go back tothat, but it it was.
I'm feeling backed up against awall where I know I'm going to
(44:21):
act out in some way, I'm goingto overeat or I'm going to do
something that I'm going toregret and find shame in doing.
I want to have something thatsays come here and be close to
me, heidi, come here.
It's the Lord.
He's saying that he wants thathe does yeah for me.
That did it when I turned myroom into this kind of sanctuary
with all these goodies.
Speaker 2 (44:47):
Yeah, well, and you had candles.
They weren't real candles, butthey were the kind of like the
ambience I remember, cause Icame and visited you and I
remember at night we turn on allthose candles and I was like,
oh my gosh, this is wonderful,like it was so cozy and music oh
my gosh, this is wonderful,like it was so cozy and music.
Speaker 1 (45:03):
You know that's really beautiful.
Yeah, oh, it was just so.
Yeah, that's what.
Speaker 2 (45:06):
That was good, I need to do that again it was so much
better than sitting in front ofthe TV with a bowl of something
which is what I had been doingfor so long A lot more
satisfying.
Yeah, it was wonderful.
So thanks for sharing aboutthat.
I just had that whole picturein my mind of your trailer and
that cute little bedroom withall the candles.
(45:26):
We're so glad that you'vejoined us today.
We're so glad and we hope thatyou will come back and join us
for our next episode atRevelation Within On.
The Go within on the go.
(45:47):
We'll see you next time.
See you next time.
Bye for now.
Hi, welcome to our podcast Revelation Within On the
Go.
I'm Heidi Biles-Mapperson, oneof your hosts and the owner and
lead coach of theRevelationWithinorg ministry.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
And I'm Kristina Motley, your other host, also a
Revelation Within coach andHeidi's partner in all things
Revelation Within.
We are so happy to invite youto join us for this episode of
Revelation Within On the go.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Hang on a minute, I gotta go.
Come back, come back to us, I'mhere, I'm here, I'm here, yeah,
well, so this week we had oursecond meeting with our five
month long coaching group,ladies, and it's a coaching
group that focuses on thechallenges of secretive eating.
(00:55):
So that's on my mind right now.
Yes, I thought we might want totalk about that a little bit,
and hopefully the listeners canwell.
I don't really want to say Ihope they can identify, because
I hope nobody can identify withthis.
But, christina, what do youthink of when you think of
secret eating or eating insecret?
Speaker 2 (01:16):
Well, the first thing that I think of is I don't want
to talk about this.
It's supposed to be a secret.
Yeah, it's a secret.
I mean, secrets bring up shame,secrets are embarrassing,
secrets are things that are hardto talk about.
So my first reaction when yousaid let's talk about this is no
(01:38):
, I don't want to.
But of course, of course I will, and of course I know and we've
talked about before howimportant it is to bring things
out into the light with the Lord, and that's where the healing
is.
So of course we want to talkabout secrets, but my first
(02:00):
response was no, no, you knowit's funny.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
I have this image in my mind.
If you were to do likeassociative stuff, like okay,
heidi, what do you think of whenyou hear the word this?
Or you know, we've had a littlefun with that secret of eating
instantly brings in an image forme of it's dark and it's quiet
and probably nobody's around,but it's definitely dark.
Speaker 2 (02:27):
Okay, well, I'm going to tell you the image that came
into my mind.
The first image was me as ateenager sitting on my couch in
my parents' home watching a showafter school, after school, and
having chocolate under a pillow, and lifting up that pillow and
(02:53):
realizing that it has meltedinto the couch.
And this was.
My parents were into Danishmodern furniture.
They were into what they callmid-century modern.
Now Our whole house looked likethat, and so the couch was like
this yellow tweed.
I was going to say I rememberthe tweed.
Speaker 1 (03:18):
Yes, it was one of those tweeds.
The chocolate melted gets inbetween.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
Yes, oh I was mortified because that was my
thing.
I would hide things next to me,food under the pillows, and it
was usually chocolate and Idon't know.
You know, for whatever reason,this one day it melted into the
little tweed of the couch and Iwas just like, oh my gosh, like
(03:44):
how do I even clean this?
How do you even begin?
And will it even come out?
And I was.
I was embarrassed, I wasashamed, I was just totally
mortified.
And then I have another onethat came to mind that these are
the two biggest ones.
When you know, I hear the wordsecretive eating, secret eating.
The second one I'm younger andI am looking around to make sure
(04:10):
nobody's there and I amclimbing up on the counter in
our kitchen.
I can imagine it's like it wasyesterday.
I can imagine how it feels toget my knee up there and climb
up open the cabinet and at thetop of the cabinet is a colorful
, beautiful actually.
I have the box now.
(04:31):
It has tea in it now, a boxwith beautiful flowers, this
colorful tin box with chocolatein it, and it was like a secret
chocolate box and that's how itwas presented to me.
That's how chocolate and youknow, sweets were presented to
(04:52):
me that they should be hidden,that they should be hard to
reach, that they're special in acertain way, that you know I
should sneak those.
I mean that's, you know, that'swhat I did, I did all the time.
Yeah, that's amazing.
Yeah, those are.
Those are the biggest two thatcome to mind immediately when I
think of, you know, my childhood, my teenager, hood, um, with
(05:16):
secret eating.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
Yeah, and for me there's.
It manifests in a whole bunchof different ways, and so these
thoughts kind of come filteringthrough my mind.
Of course, nobody's aroundeither.
If they are around, then I makesure that I'm not seen, even if
it means going into thebathroom.
Yes, oh yeah.
Another way I would eat insecret, if you would, is when I
(05:40):
was out in the car drivingaround, I'd go to the
drive-thrus and I always madesure I cleaned out the wrappers
before I, in the car drivingaround, I'd go to the
drive-thrus and I always madesure I cleaned out the wrappers
before I brought the car home.
The trick is, if it smells likeFrench fries in there, it
smells like French fries.
Have you ever and I know youprobably haven't done this has
anybody who's listening everdone this where you buy that
(06:01):
freshly baked French bread fromthe bakery at the grocery store
and you can't just eat half aloaf before everybody gets home?
Or before you get home you gotto eat a whole loaf and so you
buy two loaves because you don'twant them to see how much
you've eaten of the loaf if youonly buy one.
Have you ever done that whereyou've eaten a whole bunch of
(06:22):
French bread in secret?
Speaker 2 (06:24):
Well, yes, but this is kind of funny when you
mentioned French bread, and thenI want to go back to the French
fries.
So, the French bread this iswhat I did when the kids were
little.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
Are we triggering our listeners?
Speaker 2 (06:36):
We're definitely triggering each other.
No, I'm just kidding.
When the kids were little, whenI had three little ones in the
back seat and I wanted to Idon't know get away, do my own
thing, you know, have relief insome way, have a break, I would
take them to the grocery storeand we would get bread like that
(06:58):
and cheese and you know otherthings that you could just eat
with your fingers, with yourhands, and then I would give
them and myself big chunks ofthis bread in their little car
seats, and I would just take adrive and they were eating and I
put music on and it was like mylittle lovely I know, right, um
(07:21):
, we'll do it when I come visit.
No, okay, I have to go back tothe french fries, though,
because we won't talk about foodanymore, okay.
Well, and so the french fries.
This was a big one, because Iremember this again like it was
yesterday.
When I got my driver's license,I didn't have my own car, I
(07:42):
drove my parents' car.
It was an old Chevy Citationand I knew right away where I
wanted to go.
My first drive, all by myself,was to get French fries,
mcdonald's, mcdonald's, and tobe able to have to do it all in
(08:05):
secret.
There was nobody tracking meback then.
Now our family like tracks eachother.
Mostly for my youngest daughterthere was nothing like that.
So if you were out driving,nobody really knew where you
were, and I loved that idea thatI could just go anywhere,
anytime, anywhere, and get food,get what I wanted and, yes, I
(08:27):
got rid of the wrappers before Igot home.
Same thing open all the windows.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
Open all the windows.
Let it air out.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
Well, Southern California, that's easy to do,
you know.
Open the windows.
It was warm most of the timehere.
We're going to go down to minus13 this weekend, so that
wouldn't work as well here inColorado.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
So secret eating has for me also manifest in my
eating fast.
I've developed the habit overthe years of eating fast and I
realized as we started thiscoaching group this was the
first time it really came up forme was that my eating fast is a
symptom of me not wanting to beseen eating.
(09:09):
Yeah, even if I'm hungry oreven if I'm sitting down with
people, I eat fast.
I don't want to be seen eating.
It's just the strangest thing.
After everyone has gone to bedis another time when I have
eaten, in quote, secret.
But you know, here's the thing.
One of the things is that it'srare that it's as secretive as
(09:31):
we think.
You know, oftentimes people know.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
We think, just because everybody's in bed, that
they don't notice that.
You know, half the brownie panis missing, right?
You know half the brownie panis missing, right.
And then if I was left homeunexpectedly and nobody was here
, oh my gosh, what can I eat?
You know, it's almost like itwas a trigger for me.
Why do we do it?
What is going on here?
(09:57):
We're going to look at God'sword for a little while to talk
about that.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
Well, heidi, and you say that it's strange, but
honestly I don't think it's thatunusual.
I think that a lot of us havestruggled with this over the
years, with all of the stuffgoing on you know, in our
culture, with dieting mentalityWe've all been, many of us have
been restricted for so long andthere's really there's a lot of
(10:21):
shame around eating that causesus to want to do it in secret,
which is really really sad, andyou know we want to get away
from that for sure.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Right.
So let's look at is thissomething that is outside of
God's best for us?
I think we have a feeling forthat answer already but, let's
look at God's word to see whatit says about doing things
secretly or thinking that we'redoing things secretly.
Speaker 2 (10:45):
Okay, so Luke 8, 17,.
For nothing is hidden that willnot be made manifest, nor is
anything secret that will not beknown and come to light.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
This is where I wonder if it's going to be like
a big drive-in movie theaterscreen displayed across the sky
for the whole world to say see,this is Heidi's drive-through
issue.
Drive-through, yeah.
Oh my goodness, no, it's notgoing to be like that at all.
Psalm 44, 21 says God knows thesecrets of every heart.
(11:19):
So I mean my point is, inlooking at these verses, what
are God's thoughts about whatfeels like I'm getting away with
secret eating and I'm not?
He's there.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
He is there, he's there.
Speaker 1 (11:34):
And he's loving me in the midst of it, and I think
that's really important.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
Well, and I just I feel like this is like a huge
thing.
People are very much believingthat.
I don't know, I don't even knowif they're aware of it, I don't
even think they're aware of itbut it's like they're believing
that God is pointing the fingerat them, disappointed at them
lots of that you know.
And like he can't possibly besitting with me when I'm
overeating.
(12:00):
Are you kidding me?
This is awful.
Like he can't possibly besitting with me when I'm
overeating.
Are you kidding me?
This is awful.
Like, how can you even say that?
And I've been challenging a lotof people on that.
I'm like, let's look at thecharacter of God.
You know he knows our needs and, like you know, you've said so
many times, if Jesus was sittingnext to me on the couch and he
(12:22):
had five minutes with me and Ihad a bowl of food in my hand
and I'm not hungry what's hegoing to be focused on?
Is he going to be looking atthat food, is he?
No, he's going to look directlyinto my eyes, into my heart,
and he's going to be like oh,christina, you know I I'm sorry
that this has been so hard foryou and this has been, and I
(12:43):
know that your heart is hurtingbecause of this, and that's what
he would be talking about.
He'd have his arms around me.
The food would be likeirrelevant almost, because the
food is just a way that I getrelief sometimes, or I try to.
It's a counterfeit when we lookat who God is and we talk about
(13:05):
this all the time at Revelation.
Within he's a God of compassion, he's a God of grace and mercy
and understanding, and what doeshe want?
He wants us to be drawn intoHim.
He just wants to be close withus.
He just wants to do life withus, you know.
And so I think so many of usjust feel so condemned and like,
(13:29):
oh, I must be disappointing Godand I get that because I felt
like that for a very long timewhere it's like I must be
disappointing God and so ourrelationship, my relationship
with God, is broken because I'movereating.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
No, no, that's not the way, it is no way.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
No way.
And so, with some of the ladiesthat we're coaching and working
with, I love, love, love, loveto hear them say I'm feeling
closer with the Lord than ever.
You're still messing up, you'restill eating when you're not
hungry.
You know you're still going tocounterfeit comforts I mean,
that's part of being human butyour relationship with God is
(14:10):
growing, the intimacy is growing.
I love hearing that.
I love hearing that, with mindrenewal and some of the tools
that we have, just spending timewith him you know.
Speaker 1 (14:22):
it's true, god knows it all.
He knows it all.
He knows the secrets of everyheart.
Daniel 47, he's the God of godsand revealer of secrets, and
Deuteronomy 29, 29,.
The secret things belong to theLord, our God.
He knows, he owns them all.
He owns every minute.
He sees everything.
We're going to in a few minutes.
(14:46):
We're going to look at a longerpassage in Psalm 139, jeremiah
23,.
Who can hide in secret placesso that I cannot see them, do
not?
I feel heaven and earth?
And so in our so-called secretshe is there.
There is nothing hidden fromhis sight.
But he doesn't stand there witha club to bang our fingers or
(15:08):
bang us on the head or shakinghis finger at us.
That is the image it's like assoon as we bring up.
God knows it already.
We think, yeah, I know, andhe's wagging his finger at us.
That's not consistent with whatscripture seems to indicate
about God's character.
I mean, when I look atscripture, I see verses like
Romans 5a that says Goddemonstrates his own love for us
(15:30):
in this, that while I was stilla sinner, christ died for me,
and Romans 8.1, that there is nocondemnation for those who are
in Christ.
Right John 3.17 that says Godsent his son into the world not
to condemn the world, but thatthe world might be saved through
him.
And we could go on and on.
Like Ephesians, chapter one, itsays that he has called us to
(15:51):
be holy and blameless before himsince before the foundation of
the world, before we ever had aGodward thought, before we ever
said I'm going to lay down myeating and give it to you, god.
He loved us.
He loves us.
Now to the person who'sstruggling with bulimia and
throwing up with her head in thetoilet.
I'm sorry it's so graphic, butthat's just reality for many who
(16:13):
listen.
He is loving you right then.
He is loving you right then.
I think that your own heartacheand shame that you feel about
the secret of eating or aboutthe throwing up or the use of
laxatives or whatever it mightbe that causes his heart sadness
, not disdain, not right yesyeah, and none of those things
(16:36):
are consistent with who godreveals himself to be in his
word.
None of that is consistent and Ithink what, what has happened,
like you were saying.
It may be something that's kindof a portrait of God that's
painted for us in our churchesthese days I'm not sure.
Or if it's something that camethrough our childhood, it's
almost like a version of Santa.
(16:58):
You know, watch out, you betternot cry.
He's keeping track of if you'renaughty or nice, and that's
almost like what I think wethink God is like.
He's keeping track of if you'renaughty or nice, and that's
almost like what I think wethink God is like.
He's keeping track oh, she grewup again, or oh, she's
overeating again, or oh, she'sthinking again, or whatever, and
he's not like that.
The scriptures tell us he's theGod of all compassion and the
(17:19):
father of all comfort, and thenhe waits to show us compassion.
The scriptures are filled Oldand New Testament, by the way,
anyway.
So I'm tracking with you forsure.
So anytime we read God's wordand we see things like who can
hide in secret places, so Icannot see them.
It's not like a disapprovingparent.
(17:41):
Do you really think you canhide from me.
No, that's not what he's saying.
He's saying look kind of likein the Garden of Eden.
Where are you?
I want to see you, I want tolove on you, definitely so.
Speaker 2 (17:56):
One of the patterns that I got stuck in several
years ago, when my mother-in-lawwas living here, I had access
to satellite TV, which we'dnever had before, and I started
into this pattern.
I didn't plan it, I didn'trealize that I was getting into
it, but it lasted for about twoyears, and so I would wait until
everybody was in bed all threekids, mother-in-law.
(18:19):
I would actually go to bed withmy husband, wait until I heard
him sleeping, knowing that hewas sound asleep, and then I
would go back downstairs I'lluse the word sneak back
downstairs quietly, and we havean old, old house and so our
floors creak.
I mean, I was very intentionalabout sneaking and being quiet
(18:42):
and stepping in the right places.
I had a plan that I was goingto watch a certain show, and
then I had a plan of what I wasgoing to eat, and I had this
happening almost every night andit was.
It was a pattern and itdeveloped into something that I
thought about during the day andplanned you know, oh, what do I
(19:03):
have for tonight?
Speaker 1 (19:04):
What do I have for?
Speaker 2 (19:05):
my special time, me and the show.
And the show was a like a homeimprovement show where they
would take an old house that waskind of broken down and messed
up and didn't have a good floorplan and was old fashioned or
whatever, and they would turn itinto this beautiful, sparkling,
amazing transformed house.
(19:28):
And now, when I look back, Ithink that's why I was so drawn
to that show, because I was theone that needed transforming.
I was the one that was allbroken down and had, you know,
the walls in the wrong place.
I mean, it was me.
I hated where I was at, but Ikept it going, hoping that
somehow I could get some relieffrom stress, you know, some
(19:52):
comfort, some help.
My mother-in-law was living withus and she was declining.
She had lung disease and it wasdifficult.
It was hard to see her decline.
There was a lot of grievinggoing on.
Anyway, and I don't rememberexactly the timeline, I feel
like I was doing it when Istarted coaching with you,
(20:12):
because she was still here.
So I think, when I look back, Istarted coaching with you,
heidi.
I don't think we talked about it, but I was ashamed, it was a
secret, nobody knew nobody, ofcourse God knew, but somehow I
didn't think he was there.
I mean, he was, he was rightthere, like you just said, heidi
(20:34):
, but somehow I thought that byplanning and orchestrating this
event every night, where I waseating outside of my boundaries
I was definitely not hungry everwhen I did this that I was
somehow pushing him away andthen I would have to go back to
him when I was ready.
And that's not biblical, that'snot what the Bible says about
(20:57):
who God is.
God says in the Bible over andover and over I will never leave
you, I will always be with you,I will never forsake you.
He uses the word never andalways.
It's like 100%.
And so while I was doing this,every night he was there.
(21:18):
I thought he wasn't there, Ithought he was disappointed in
me, I thought I was pushing himaway, but he was right there
with me.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
And so.
Speaker 2 (21:28):
I went through this little process and I just want
to share this in case itencourages someone or in case
someone kind of needs some stepsto take.
Maybe you're in a similarsituation and I felt like God
was really calling me into this.
As I was coaching with Heidi, Iwas learning how to renew my
mind and I realized, whoa, Ineed to look at this with the
(21:52):
Lord.
So the first thing that I didwhich was really really hard at
first was to invite God in to bewith me during that time.
Mm-hmm was to invite God in tobe with me during that time and
it didn't feel right at first.
It felt really awkward andstrange, like I shouldn't be
doing this, I shouldn't invitehim to sit with me.
But I had needs.
(22:12):
I had things that were going onemotionally that I needed help
for.
I wasn't really getting thathelp and so I went to food and
TV counterfeits and God getsthat, he understands.
So the first thing I did wasinvite him in, and that was hard
enough.
Just that first step.
But over time it felt betterand better.
(22:34):
I was still eating, I was stillwatching the show, but I had
invited him in and he wasshowing me compassion and he was
loving me and I was readingmore and more about who he was.
Because, heidi, when you and Istarted coaching, we started
talking about who is God, what'syour view of God, and let's
(22:56):
write a God list and let'spraise him for who he is.
And so the more I did that, themore I realized that my view of
God was pretty inaccurate.
I have loved the Lord since Iwas a little girl, grew up in
the church and here I had thisview of him that he wasn't with
me when I was overeating.
I mean, that's a lot of shameto carry around a lot.
(23:19):
So then the second thing that Idid was turned off the TV.
Now, this took a while.
I would I let go of the foodlast.
I turned off the TV.
Maybe at first I only watchedpart of an episode.
I think that's how it was.
It was more of a baby step.
I watched part of an episodeand then I turned it off and
(23:40):
just spent a little bit of timetalking with God, and that was
hard.
I had the food.
I was all by myself with, youknow, with him.
It was late at night, we werehaving this kind of secret time,
but I began talking with himabout it and that was huge.
And it's not like every day Idid that same, like I would go
(24:00):
back and turn it on again.
It wasn't like the trajectorywas straight in a certain
direction.
I was going up and down and then, over time I remember this I
turned it off completely, the TVand it was just me and God and
the food.
Wow, I mean, that was huge.
You that anything was hiddenfrom him.
(24:21):
It wasn't.
Nothing was hidden from him.
He was right there, loving mewith so much compassion, even
delighting over me as I'm eating, and not hungry, but just more
and more.
I began to feel that acceptancewith him and just to know that
what he was interested in wasnot that bowl of food that I had
(24:42):
in my hands.
He was interested in my heart,my mind, what I was struggling
with.
So eventually I had less food,I brought less food, but I was
still eating, and eventuallyless.
And then one day I just pushedthe food aside and it was just
me and him.
And it's not like it changedeverything, because the next day
(25:04):
I had food again in my hand.
So it was, it was a process,but over time I realized that my
relationship with him and myfriendship with him was more
satisfying than the TV and thefood either one.
Wow, I mean, that was just hugefor me.
That really changed my wholerelationship with the Lord.
(25:27):
It changed my relationship withfood and it was just this kind
of like oh my gosh, I've beenlooking at this all wrong yeah.
Speaker 1 (25:36):
Well and you're not alone in that, I think so very
often we do.
We think that God is standingthere as a disapproving
taskmaster who's wondering whywe're doing that.
I think, if anything, it breakshis heart because he knows that
it's a product of us notturning to him and that it also
(25:56):
causes us such shame, and reallythat's the result of our secret
eating.
Speaker 2 (26:01):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (26:02):
And the shame actually.
Shame is tricky because it it'sa way that we have almost of
having a counterfeit conviction.
It's not conviction, it's notconviction at all.
The impact of shame is that itactually leads me to more shame,
and the enemy is all aboutshame.
(26:24):
And when I feel that much shame, I want to comfort myself.
Yeah, absolutely yeah,sometimes with the show and the
secret eating and all that.
And so I think you're right onthe money, and one reason why we
teach the God list and praisefest is such, as you know, is
such an important thing, and whyI began there with you was
(26:47):
because, as we adjust our viewof God to be more accurate, to
be reflective of what hediscloses about himself in
scripture, we want to be withhim, we want to surrender to him
, we see the possibilities ofhim satisfying you know, much
more than a TV show and food.
(27:09):
Let's look for a minute at God'sview of shame.
You want to?
Speaker 2 (27:12):
read Romans 10, 11?
.
Romans 10, 11, for thescripture says whoever believes
in him will not be put to shame.
It's right here.
What a relief how hopeful thisverse is.
Whoever believes in him willnot be put to shame.
Speaker 1 (27:32):
Yeah, and it's also in Isaiah the very same thing.
Isaiah 28, 16,.
Whoever believes in him willnot be put to shame.
Speaker 2 (27:42):
Shame is not from God .
I think that's something thatI've had to say to myself many
times Shame is not from God.
Shame is not from God, it isfrom the enemy.
It's not the famous conviction.
Speaker 1 (27:55):
There's a song.
It's been around since the1930s.
I looked this up last week, ohreally.
And it's Ain't no Grave.
But the part that I'm thinkingof is shame is a liar, cruel as
the grave.
Shame is a robber.
And it's come to take my name,my name in Christ.
I've got goosebumps, but loveis a redeemer and love is the
(28:18):
trumpet sound.
It's a great, great great song.
Speaker 2 (28:22):
Wow, that's powerful.
Well, and then Psalm 31,.
One in you, oh Lord, I put mytrust.
Let me never be ashamed.
Deliver me in yourrighteousness.
I mean it's beautiful.
And here here is the word never.
And so when God says I'm alwayswith you, I will never be away
(28:44):
from you, and then this versesays let me never be ashamed, I
mean that means that 24-7,.
There is no shame when I am inGod's presence.
There is no shame.
Speaker 1 (28:56):
And I'm in God's presence all the time.
Speaker 2 (28:58):
All the time.
Speaker 1 (29:00):
Yeah, yeah.
If we are experiencing shame,it is not because God has put
that on us.
Speaker 2 (29:06):
No.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
I used to say, and I still think it's true shame is
like the fingerprints of theenemy.
It says he's been prowling, andso I love Psalm 33, and this is
kind of his view, god's view.
You, o Lord, are a shield aboutme, my glory and the lifter of
(29:28):
my head.
For me, you can't feel shameand have your head lifted up,
and I can't have my head liftedup and feel shame.
They're mutually exclusive.
Right, god is the lifter of ourhead.
Y'all Isn't that awesome.
Speaker 2 (29:43):
I love that.
I love.
I think it makes me think aboutall the little kids that I used
to work with when I wasteaching.
And someone would do somethingthey weren't supposed to do and
we would sit down and talk aboutit, and their heads were down
right, their chins were down,touching their chest because
they felt so bad.
And then for me, to you know,love on them and say, well, why
(30:08):
did this happen?
Well, let's talk about it.
Well, let's work it out fornext time and be the lifter of
their head.
Oh, I love that.
That's beautiful.
Speaker 1 (30:17):
So how can we stop this secret eating thing?
It causes shame, it causes meto think I can hide from God or
certainly it will erodes my viewof God.
It kind of goes hand in handwith that and we have a couple
of ideas about that.
We've kind of mentioned somealready.
When I'm eating, I want tobring it into the light.
(30:37):
That's going to defeat theshame.
We suggest to some of thepeople that you know have been
in our classes and ourone-on-one coaching to have a
tea party with Jesus.
What is that, christina?
Speaker 2 (30:50):
What does that look like oh well, it's kind of like
what I was describing, exceptlet's really do it up.
Fun, let's do it.
Let's really, instead of hidingin the corner and turning off
the lights and trying not tostep on the floorboards that
will creak, let's bring it out,let's talk to God, let's invite
(31:13):
him to an actual little gettogether, a little party, where
we're going to talk aboutwhatever is on our heart,
whatever is on our mind, andhave food as a part of it.
I know it's like mind blowing.
Some of you are like what?
That's crazy.
I just know.
Do I have to be hungry to dothat?
No, you don't have to be hungryto do that, and that's the
(31:38):
thing.
That's where it's like wait todo that, and that's the thing
that's where it's like wait,wait, what?
But let's bring it all out.
Bring out those favorite foods,bring out the foods that you go
to for comfort and put them ona special plate and set a place
for the Lord.
I know, I know you're like Ican't do this, but this is where
we become free, he's thereanyway.
(32:01):
He's there anyway and he knowswhy I'm emotionally attached to
mashed potatoes.
He knows why because of mygrandmother.
And he knows he wants to teachme, he wants to be in there with
me, he wants to love me throughit.
He knows why on that particularday I was so sad and I couldn't
(32:21):
stop crying.
Okay, it was two days ago, Imean.
He knows he was there with meand so if the food is there too,
it's all right.
It's all right.
Bring it all into the light.
That's where healing begins.
The more we hide, the more weallow shame to increase, the
(32:42):
less that we will go towardhealing and freedom and and all
those things that we want peace.
You know there's no peace inthat.
So I love the idea of doingthat.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
I love it.
I like for me.
When I think of having a teaparty with the Lord too.
I'm talking to him about thefood.
Yes, like I would if there wasa friend present, because he is
my friend, and so this soundsreally good to me right now.
Lord, I like this crunchy thing, or I like this, whatever it
might be.
Anyway, I don't want to triggeranybody, like we did maybe at
(33:14):
the beginning.
Speaker 2 (33:16):
Everybody's in the drive-thru right now.
Speaker 1 (33:19):
So it really is helpful to bring it out into the
light.
God is there anyway, and alongwith that can come this I'm free
to have accountability maybe,maybe I need to talk about it
with a friend.
I, I mean, I bet you.
Well, you already said,christina, you didn't talk to
anybody about your date with theTV and the food.
Yeah, not even your coach.
Speaker 2 (33:41):
No, not at the beginning.
We talked about it later.
Speaker 1 (33:44):
But when we were just brand new.
Speaker 2 (33:46):
I was so embarrassed.
I remember just thinking.
I don't know if I can tellanybody this.
This is so scary to share.
Speaker 1 (33:54):
And I know a lot of people have said that, see, and
for me, if I feel shame, it doesreflect on my view of God and
it corrodes my view of God.
I can't see him clearly whenI'm stuck in a place of shame,
because somehow I associate himwith that shame and it's a lie
he is shame is a liar Cruel is agrave.
(34:18):
It's a robbery Come to take myname.
My name in Christ is free one,so anyway, we want to look at.
Maybe another way of breakingfree is to look at are there
lies that I am believing thatare at the heart of my turning
to secretive eating?
Speaker 2 (34:37):
What is the truth?
Speaker 1 (34:39):
And that is something that I have found.
At the heart of it is I havelies, I believe, about who God
is and what he's like, and sothe best way to deal with that
is not to grit my teeth and stopeating the food at night or in
between, whatever, when nobody'saround.
The best way of handling thatis to get with God and open his
(35:02):
word and see what are you reallylike, lord.
I wanted us Christina to sharePsalm 139, verses 1 to 12.
We often bop on over to verse14, but there's a lot of really
good stuff in those first 12verses, of course, and so, when
it comes to hiding from the Lord, or what does he want, I just
(35:23):
love this passage.
Speaker 2 (35:24):
Yes, well, you know, it's my favorite Psalm, it's my
favorite Psalm.
Speaker 1 (35:28):
Why don't you read the first 12 verses of it?
Speaker 2 (35:32):
Oh, lord, you have examined my heart and know
everything about me.
You know when I sit down orstand up.
You know my thoughts, even whenI'm far away.
You see me when I travel andwhen I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
You know what I'm going to sayeven before I say it.
(35:54):
Lord, you go before me andfollow me.
You place your hand of blessingon my head.
Such knowledge is too wonderfulfor me, too great for me to
understand.
I can never escape from yourspirit.
I can never get away from yourpresence.
If I go up to heaven, you arethere.
(36:16):
If I go down to the grave, youare there.
If I ride the wings of themorning, if I dwell by the
farthest oceans, even there yourhand will guide me and your
strength will support me.
I could ask the darkness tohide me and the light around me
to become night, but even indarkness, I cannot hide from you
(36:40):
.
To you, the night shines asbright as day.
Darkness and light are the sameto you.
Speaker 1 (36:49):
I love that.
I love it so much.
Speaker 2 (36:53):
I think I'm going to renew my mind this weekend with
this over and over, because, boy, it's what I need to hear today
.
Speaker 1 (36:59):
Yeah, what will that look like for you?
Renewing your mind with thisover and over, because, boy,
it's what I need to hear today.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (37:04):
What will that look like for you, renewing your mind
with this?
Well, I think what I'll do is,you know, kind of have it on my
phone, I might write it out, orI might type it out on my phone
and just have these verses andthen I might do different things
over the weekend.
I might pray through it.
Sometimes I'll do a help meprayer with scripture where it's
like Lord, help me to Lord,help me to Lord, help me to
(37:26):
believe this, help me toremember that kind.
Or sometimes I'll do a thankyou where it's like oh God,
thank you, thank you for this,and thank you that you know my
thoughts and thank you, andthank you that you know my
thoughts and thank you.
So I might do that.
I might just choose one verseand just memorize it and say it
to myself again and again.
(37:46):
There's a lot of differentthings that I could do with this
, a lot.
I might share it with somebodyelse.
I might even make an audio outof it on my phone.
That's what I should do andthen have that with me so that
when, maybe, when I am believinga lie and here's the truth
(38:07):
right here about God and me andsecrets and light and darkness
the truth is right here and whenI'm struggling with that, I can
just hit, play and hear myselfspeaking God's own words.
Speaker 1 (38:22):
Right, exactly, you know another way of kind of
dealing with the root ofthinking I can eat in secret and
nobody will see me or nobodywill know or whatever is to look
at when it began with the Lord,invite him in.
Look at when did I first starteating in secret, when did I
(38:44):
first start sneaking and whathas been true of my secretive
eating and maybe even creating atruth list about it?
And we talk a lot about truthlists in our classes and in our
community and we have on ourpodcast.
If I look at when it began andwhy it began, what is the
earliest I remember sneaking?
And when you were telling thestory at the beginning of our
(39:06):
episode today about climbing upto the get the chocolate and the
special colorful box, yes,reminded me of I don't know how
little I was I must've beenreally like four, maybe five and
I climb up on the stove.
There was a shelf up near theceiling that had this great big
(39:27):
copper container and it was ahuge.
It was a big like a gallon sizethat had cookies in it.
Speaker 2 (39:33):
Oh wow, Way up there yes.
And I somehow Above the stoveeven, which is so dangerous to
climb on, oh crazy.
Speaker 1 (39:43):
But yeah, and so that's the earliest I can
remember sneaking, and so I'mgoing to investigate that with
the Lord a little bit and seewhat comes of that.
Jesus said in John 8, 32, andwhile he wasn't talking about
secretive eating, he was sharinga principle that is true of our
secret of eating.
Then you'll know the truth, andthe truth will set you free.
(40:05):
Yes, I turn my back on what istrue.
I am not going to be able toreally come to the bottom of it
and figure out what is going onbehind what I think is going on.
Yes, going on is so oftendeeper than that, and so you
know, yes, I think God intendsthat we be able to face the
truth in our lives, heartaches,the challenges, and then,
(40:43):
inviting him in, he can use thattruth to bring us to a place of
freedom.
So, and of course, yeah, thesecretive eating coaching group
is another way.
We have a waiting list formingfor our next group.
If you want to get in on that,the next time we offer it, you
can visit revelationwithinorg.
Forward slash escape or click onclasses when you get to the
(41:07):
webpage revelationwithinorgforward slash escape.
Speaker 2 (41:11):
Yes, and it is a phenomenal class with full
curriculum.
It's fantastic Five months long.
Speaker 1 (41:18):
It's going to be a blast to see how God uses it in
the lives of this group.
Speaker 2 (41:25):
So, heidi, you went through a time in your life
where you did something in theevening that was so helpful and
beautiful and I thought thismight be something to share with
people who are listening.
It was.
It happened for you long afterI was doing that nighttime thing
(41:46):
with the um, the food and theTV show and all of that.
Otherwise, I know you wouldhave shared it with me then when
we were coaching, but it waswhen you were living in the
fifth wheel and you had eveningson your own and you created
this kind of a basket ofbeautiful, life-giving things to
do and engage with.
(42:07):
That brought you into the Lordand I remember, heidi, you
looked forward to that time.
You looked forward to it.
It was a sweet, sweet time withyou, between you and the Lord,
and I just was thinking aboutthat while you were talking,
because so many of us strugglewith evenings, whether we have
(42:28):
someone else in the house or not.
It's not just for people whoare living alone, it's for
everybody.
We struggle, we're tired.
In the evening, you know it'sdark.
Everything feels worse, kind of.
Our worries get bigger in theevening.
A lot of people struggle withthat time, so I wanted to ask if
you would share about that alittle bit.
Speaker 1 (42:50):
Oh sure, it kind of was my take on what we have
called the emergency kit orsurvival kit.
If there is a time of the daythat is more challenging, I can
plan for that by havingsomething that is just too good
to resist, and I don't mean food, and so for me, when I was
(43:12):
living in the fifth wheel, Iturned my bedroom into kind of a
sanctuary.
Yes, you did quiet time.
(43:36):
It was more than that, it wassweet.
You know, it was a translationof the Bible I don't usually use
.
I had cards and gifts peoplehad given me that I would pull
out.
I had a back scratcher so thatI mean I know that sounds so
silly.
No, not at all.
At one point I even had afavorite mug with.
I'm not a tea drinker, but Ifound one tea that I absolutely
(43:59):
love.
Yes, I'm drinking it right now.
I would make sure I had accessto that.
It was like almost like a spaday at night in my little camper
it was.
It really was kind of fun.
Actually I shouldn't go back tothat, but it it was.
I'm feeling backed up against awall where I know I'm going to
(44:21):
act out in some way, I'm goingto overeat or I'm going to do
something that I'm going toregret and find shame in doing.
I want to have something thatsays come here and be close to
me, heidi, come here.
It's the Lord.
He's saying that he wants thathe does yeah for me.
That did it when I turned myroom into this kind of sanctuary
with all these goodies.
Speaker 2 (44:47):
Yeah, well, and you had candles.
They weren't real candles, butthey were the kind of like the
ambience I remember, cause Icame and visited you and I
remember at night we turn on allthose candles and I was like,
oh my gosh, this is wonderful,like it was so cozy and music oh
my gosh, this is wonderful,like it was so cozy and music.
Speaker 1 (45:03):
You know that's really beautiful.
Yeah, oh, it was just so.
Yeah, that's what.
Speaker 2 (45:06):
That was good, I need to do that again it was so much
better than sitting in front ofthe TV with a bowl of something
which is what I had been doingfor so long A lot more
satisfying.
Yeah, it was wonderful.
So thanks for sharing aboutthat.
I just had that whole picturein my mind of your trailer and
that cute little bedroom withall the candles.
(45:26):
We're so glad that you'vejoined us today.
We're so glad and we hope thatyou will come back and join us
for our next episode atRevelation Within On.
The Go within on the go.
(45:47):
We'll see you next time.
See you next time.
Bye for now.
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