You Should Want to Be with Your Partner, Not Need to Be with Them

S5 Episode 11: You Should Want to Be with Your Partner, Not Need to Be with Them

 

Episode Summary

There is a big difference between want and need.  Wanting something or someone makes you put in effort and work for it.  Needing something or someone creates feelings of powerlessness and instability.  For a relationship to withstand the expected ups and downs, both partners should want to be with the other.

When you place yourself in a situation where you rely so heavily on another person for support - financial, emotional or physical - you give them power over your life and the decisions you make.  Sometimes that control is direct and in other instances it is indirect.  Either way, it is unhealthy for both members of the couple and will create resentment.

Two people who want to be together practice empathy, respect and acceptance.  They build trust, respect boundaries and nurture intimacy.  Feeling wanted is empowering and gives you a sense of security.  You recognize your partner is with you for the right reasons and that creates long-term stability.

At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss how detrimental it is for a person to take on their new partner’s hobbies or interests in an attempt to keep the relationship.

 

Show Notes

Being truly Romancipated means being in a relationship with someone because you want to be, not because you feel you need to be. Healthy, productive relationships take work, and you need to have a desire to do that work. Going about it any other way is a disservice to you.

 

By needing your partner instead of wanting them, you’re placing yourself in a situation primed for abuse, neglect, and unhappiness, especially if your partner is the one emphasizing your need for them. Believing them compromises your agency and can lead you down a very dark rabbit hole.

 

It’s important for any person to have the ability to stand on their own two feet. Plus, independence is so sexy. The same goes for your partner. When you know they are with you because they want you versus need you, it’s a great feeling. It makes you feel chosen. Co-dependence, on the other hand, is a trap. 

 

If you are with your partner because you think you need them, you’re handing over control. If you stay with a person because you think you won’t find someone better, that’s a bad choice to make. How would you feel if that’s why someone chose you? It’s an icky thought. But when someone wants you and puts their effort behind it, it’s a beautiful experience. That want helps you get through the rough patches.

 

In this episode, the vent session topic is: When people change their hobbies or interests to please a new partner. Whether it’s sports, food, or politics, mismatched interests can only be concealed for so long until they take their toll. Why lie about who you are and what you want? Not everything in your relationship needs to be shared or mutually enjoyed.

 

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