Moses gets a glow-up, Pharaoh gets the ick, and we get pedantic about timelines. In this one, we blitz from the patriarchs (Abraham → Isaac → Jacob → Joseph) to the start of Exodus—with a detour through Job (aka “God took a dare and your kids paid for it”) and two juicy side texts: Testaments of the Twelve Patriarchs and the Book of Jubilees. We drag the “430 vs. 400 years in Egypt” math fight, list out the Ten Plagues (gnats that probably weren’t fruit flies, boils, darkness, dead firstborn—fun!), and side-eye how Passover gets reframed in modern practice.
Then we crack open the Apocrypha-adjacent goodies: Testaments of the Twelve Patriarchs (the “deathbed confessions + prophecies” expansion pack slotted after Genesis 49) and Jubilees, which claims angels explained world history to Moses in tidy 49-year “jubilee” chunks during his 40 days on Sinai—because what the Torah really needed was… a showrunner’s timeline board and stricter Sabbath law before the law. Chef’s kiss.
Also: the hosts spiral (hilariously) about poverty shaming, “get a job” brain, and how Christianity’s many add-on myths make it impossible to say what “the Bible really teaches.” Bring your side-eye and a measuring tape; God’s weirdly precise about tabernacle cubits and weirdly vague about how not to get smote. Listen now, argue later.
👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com. Join the snark pile and help keep the lights on: Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse • Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC.
📌 Topics Covered:
- Exodus timeline: 400 vs. 430 years in Egypt—why the Bible can’t math.
- Ten Plagues, no chill: frogs, gnats/ticks, “beastly flies,” boils, darkness, and the firstborn massacre (Passover).
- Job = cosmic dare: loyalty tests, replacement kids, and why “believe women” still matters post-Potiphar’s wife.
- Testaments of the Twelve Patriarchs: post-Genesis 49 deathbed speeches & messianic vibes.
- Book of Jubilees: angels brief Moses; history retold in 49-year blocks; laws before the Law.
- Tabernacle micromanagement vs. moral vagueness: God loves measurements, hates clarity.
- Why Judaism/Christianity aren’t monoliths: traditions diverge, fan-lore accumulates, doctrine spaghetti ensues.
💬 Best Quote from the Episode:
“We are doing Bible shit.”
👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com
👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC
👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse
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