February 16, 2025 • 37 mins
Making and maintaining friendships as an adult isn’t always easy. Between busy schedules, life transitions, and personal growth, it can feel challenging to nurture deep, meaningful connections. But here’s the truth: friendship is essential for emotional well-being, self-growth, and overall happiness—and it’s never too late to build strong bonds.
In this episode of Shift Happens with Shay, we’re diving into:
✨ Why adult friendships feel different from childhood and college friendships
✨ How to attract and cultivate deeper, more aligned connections
✨ Navigating friendship breakups and natural shifts
✨ Practical ways to maintain friendships despite busy lives
Whether you’re looking to strengthen your existing friendships, make new ones, or let go of relationships that no longer serve you, this conversation is for you.
🎧 Tune in now on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or your favorite streaming platform.
💬 What’s the biggest challenge you face in adult friendships? Drop a comment or share your thoughts in a review!
#AdultFriendships #MeaningfulConnections #BuildingCommunity #FriendshipMatters #ShiftHappens
Continue the conversation with Shay on her Instagram, Facebook page, website, and linkedIn! You can also email Shay at shifthappenswithshay@gmail.com if you are looking for insight about your life, send your stories, or request topics you would like to address.
Please note this podcast is not a substitution for therapy, if you require assistance with exploring trauma, deeper relationship issues, or more please reach out to establish care.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey there, and welcome to ShiftHappens with Shea.
I'm Shea, your host and licensedmarriage and family therapist.
This podcast is where we diveinto all the shift life throws
our way, whether it'srelationships, mental health,
personal growth, or justfiguring out this crazy journey
of adulting.
Here, we're all about honestconversation, real stories, and
a whole lot of laughs as wetackle life's challenges
(00:22):
together.
This is your space to grow,explore, and feel seen.
So grab a cozy spot, maybe a cupof coffee or a wine, and let's
get ready to shift through itall.
Thanks for tuning in, andremember, no matter what life
brings us, we're in thistogether.
Hey guys welcome.
I am so excited to have you backfor another session.
(00:44):
How did your week go?
Well, actually your two weeks, Ihope it was phenomenal.
And if it wasn't, I hope youwere able to seek comfort, sit
in that, you know, those suckyfeelings and then let them pass
through because those feelingsdo not dictate the rest of your
life.
The rest of your day.
(01:05):
The rest of your week.
Let the feelings pass like anocean.
Last time in session, we weretalking about letting go.
So how did we do with letting goin these past two weeks?
What are some things you foundyourself being able to let go
that was easy, maybe going on afast or no longer taking dairy
(01:29):
because you have an intoleranceor what were some things that
were difficult such as havinghard conversations?
with loved ones, maybe changingyour career path, maybe changing
your major in school and havingto pivot from your dream job.
There's a lot of things thatcome with letting go.
(01:51):
But also with letting go, like Imentioned before, we then Get to
open up and be accessible andready to receive more beautiful
things for our lives, such asbuilding and maintaining
meaningful connections.
So that's what this episode isabout.
So friendships in adulthood lookvery different from what they
(02:13):
look like in our younger yearsand meaningful connections are
essential for our wellbeing.
Today, we're going to explorehow, building, maintaining, and
nurturing friendships that trulymatter, even with our busy
schedules.
Arges.
Chef kiss like that.
I feel like looking over theyears of my friendships, they
(02:33):
have definitely changed.
You know how when we're younger,we're told we got to be friends
with everybody and it don'tmatter.
Be nice, be kind.
Even though you might think thekid in the corner is kind of
weird, but your mom told you,you have to be nice.
So you got to be friends with inclass.
And it's so interesting thatfrom like a young age, we tell
(02:56):
everybody with this internalmessage or like subliminal that
you need to be accepted byeverybody.
And in order to do that, youhave to accept everybody.
When, as we get older, thatdismantles because as we go
through school, we then end upgetting clicky.
(03:16):
You start finding your peopleanyways, and you Don't talk to
anybody really well, I'm notgonna say not anybody but not
everybody you start clickingwith people that you actually
care about I can remember kidsin my Of course elementary
school that I clicked with but Iwasn't friends with everybody in
the class, but I knew everybodyin the class Which was fine.
(03:39):
I mean we all ended up going tothe same classes together from
grade one through four fifthgrade We got a little spicy and
I went to public school So I nolonger got to be on my friends
which sucked but new beginningsbecause I ended up clicking
pretty well with It's about, I'dsay about four, four or five
people in my class and whichisn't too bad.
(04:01):
And even if I wasn't likebesties with the rest of the
class, I knew them from actuallykindergarten because we all went
to the same afterschool programand whatnot, which was wild.
And it's funny that I'm havingthis conversation because I just
talked to my boyfriend aboutthis as we went out to eat and
we were just going through ourchildhood, but like Friendships
(04:22):
there, I do feel like they werepretty deep, deep in a sense of
however deep I was at the time.
I mean, how deep can you be as a10 year old as long as you
really haven't been throughtrauma?
Or have been taught tointellectualize your feelings.
But, I was pretty close withpeople then, we laughed, we
(04:43):
talked about drawings, anime,whatever was happening in class,
getting excited about going tomiddle school.
And then my friendships startedto look a little different.
It became a little harder forme.
And to make friends just becausemiddle school year, I jumped
around from school to schoolmoving between Florida and New
(05:04):
York, which I will say my middleschool years were definitely
hard.
They're a little strange.
I feel like middle school isjust a strange period in life.
I don't really care what nobodysays, but it just always is
weird.
I feel like it's this weirdtwilight zone.
I don't know.
It's a weird time.
But not that middle school wasbad.
I did make friends.
I did get close again.
So like a good core group offour or five people and then
(05:26):
would have a bestie, like a mainbestie in that group.
But then I'd have to leave andthen start over again.
And I'm already not really thebiggest person.
I'm just letting everybody in mycircle and just.
I'm just going out there and Iknow it's wild as you guys are
listening to me.
And if you've seen me in realtime, most people think I'm an
(05:49):
extrovert and I am far fromthat.
I am not extroverted whatsoever.
I'm extroverted when I have tobe just like you could be
ambidextrous with your hands.
I just am ambidextrous withthat.
But my extrovert is kind of.
Just needed in the moment, but Ican't go long periods.
I am not energized having fullblown conversations all day and
(06:12):
being around people all day.
Now from my loved ones, yeah,all means.
I'm definitely okay and don'tfeel my energy being zapped as
quickly.
So yeah, definitely introvertthere.
But like I mentioned, it washard because every year I was
moving, I was making thesefriends and then boom, we're
gone.
(06:33):
Eighth grade year was definitelyreally hard as I was in Florida.
permanently.
And I got excited.
The high school I was going togo to, I got to do sleepovers
for the first time in eighthgrade and stuff, which was
amazing because my mama's notlike that.
And as a child, I'm like, cool,we're finally stable.
We have stability.
(06:53):
And I'm going to have friendsthat I don't know.
We're going to high school.
So we're gonna be friendsforever because forever is what
you tell your friends whenyou're that young even with
that.
Nope.
Ended up moving to another cityin Florida and that really
sucked.
I still talk to two of myfriends from then, but it's not
the same.
We were actually really close.
(07:13):
A lot of things we were incommon.
And I find that like the commontheme when you're younger is
that you connect kind of like asyou do as adults, but more of
like what your current, uh,obsession or passion hobbies are
you connect a lot on that and atthat time for me it was we were
connecting about boys animedrawing and then we had similar
(07:34):
classes such as like computerclass but yeah most of it was
anime primarily inuyasha youcouldn't tell me and my friends
anything when it came to thatbut then in high school it was
so different still having tofind something to connect with
people but realizing you didn'treally find your people And high
school, you spend so much timeagain, going back to that
(07:58):
kindergarten mindset, trying tobe liked by everybody, trying to
find your niche, your group,your people.
And it's so hard because youmask like no tomorrow until you
might find your people.
And even in high school, I had agood amount of friends that I
actually sat with at the tableand stuff like that.
Those girls, they're, I'm notclose to them whatsoever.
(08:18):
They can't really tell youanything deep about me.
We just hung out with eachother.
I made, honestly, really threegood friends out of high school,
and one of them I don't talk to.
One of them is still my bestfriend, and the other, I connect
with him every now and then, andI just love to see his growth.
So we talk almost like pen pals.
Like, how are you doing?
It's almost like snail mail, butin real time.
(08:41):
Yeah, and then college my momalways told me you'll meet your
real friends in college and Shewas right Not that my friends in
high school are not my realfriends or anything like that.
Like I love my new muffin Iactually saw her just recently
on Monday.
So I just realized an adult, youknow You go through a lot of
(09:02):
things as an adult Whether it istraumatic, love, careers,
academic, finding out who youare as a person, it's so
wonderful to see how thosefriendships mature over time
because you get to see the womenor men in your life.
(09:23):
Change with you as life is goingon, whether it's on fire or it's
blooming, it's just sodifferent.
And I'm so blessed with thefriend group I currently have.
It's been trial and error asanything, but yeah, I wouldn't
change my girls for the world.
(09:43):
And also the guys in my life whoare amazing support systems like
my brothers.
I will say it is harder tomaintain friends as we get older
and that's just because noteverybody's meant to grow with
you.
Some people are just meant to bea season and it hurts because
people who were meant to beseasonal, we really cry because
we were trying so hard to keepthem in our lives as a forever,
(10:06):
as a root on our tree instead ofa branch.
And of course, it's hard becauselife, you go to different
schools or You have differentjobs, you move, you have a kid,
so you're in different phases ofyour life.
Somebody gets married, you're ina different phase in life.
I feel like phases in life thathappen when we're adults is what
(10:27):
makes it a little bit difficultas we get older.
So, Backtracking thoughfriendships are still important.
No, despite their difficulties.
They're still amazing to haveThey help our mental health.
I mean, we are just not meant tobe isolated.
We are meant to be around othersWe are meant to feel loved.
(10:49):
We are meant to be embraced.
We are meant to socialize We aremeant to have our own community
everybody Cultural whatnot inyour cultures, you will find
that people have a community, avillage, and just the same as
they say it takes a village toraise a child, that does not
change when it comes to youradulthood.
(11:09):
It takes a village because noking did not have a council.
Every king did.
Every person has somebody thatthey can rely on to.
Talk to about their deepfeelings, their thoughts, maybe,
career moves they're thinkingabout doing new relationships,
(11:30):
just any kind of decision makingthat's going on.
The role of your friendship andyour mental health is just
exponential.
It really helps us alleviatethat loneliness and let us know
that there are people in ourcorner that care about us and
happiness and longevity Do youknow how amazing it is with life
(11:50):
you when you look forward tosharing it with other people?
No different than a romanticpartner.
So saying what your friendshipYou want people to share your
life with, you want people toshare your wins with your
accomplishments, yourachievements.
I recently became licensed inanother state and I was so
excited.
Of course I told my family, butthen I ran and told my
(12:11):
girlfriends, we have our likenice little girl squad chat.
And I just went and told themlike, hell my God.
Hey.
And they were just like, we gota party.
We got to celebrate celebrationdinner.
Oh my gosh, you did that.
Like always hyping me up.
It just gives me happiness.
It does give me reassurance, ofcourse, a little validation, and
it just makes life worth livinganother reason.
(12:34):
And that goes into me alsosaying that quality over
quantity is key in adultfriendships.
I don't know about y'all.
I personally cannot fathomhaving.
a large friend group and likemaybe 10 plus or whatnot.
And I mean like really, really,really close friends.
That's too much.
Life is really hard to keep upwith one another due to the
(12:56):
responsibilities we got going onour busy schedules, whether
that's what Children, yourrelationship, your career,
every, everything just kind ofhappens there.
So large groups are hard, butit's also hard to the track
quality.
You will always find qualitywins over quantity because when
you realize that people are notreaching out to you you're doing
(13:18):
a lot of the reaching out,you're doing a lot, you know,
like calling, trying to makeplans, you find an event,
thinking about people and you goout of your way to let them
know.
But they don't do it bad backyou end up deleting them people
who control alt delete becauseyou feel empty You feel unloved
(13:41):
you feel unworthy of theirattention you feel possibly
resentment because it's justunfair Always go for quality
Quality friendships will last alifetime They will stand the
test of time They won't justdeteriorate because you didn't
want to go to a certain event oryou're no longer into a certain
(14:04):
lifestyle.
These friendships.
Actually grow with you all themany versions of you and it
accepts you and it holds you andIt's there to support you.
You want people that you couldtalk about all things with and I
mean that all things wait I'mnot saying that you have to
overshare with everyone I am afirm believer also that some
(14:27):
friends just all serve a certainpurpose Because maybe you're
closer to one friend and youfeel like you could go more in
depth on a certain subject thanwith another friend But that's
where again, that quality comesfrom you want to have quality
friendships that's not based onsuperficial things There are
tons of people who like anime.
I am NOT friends with everybodythat likes anime I am friends
(14:49):
with people who may be intoanime or may not.
Yeah, I am friends with peopleWho really care about more than
one aspect of me as a person?
This not just because I loveanime that we're friends.
I love anime.
That's one thing about me Youlove but you love me because of
all these other things too andwhat we do for each other and
(15:11):
our friendship and not in like aTransactional manner not like
that at all So definitely getyou quality friends, and I'm
wondering as you're listening tothis Just you know, I know
you're in the car or whereveryou're at But really think about
it who your quality friends howmany you got of them like?
On your fingers who, who arethey?
Who she, who she is?
(15:32):
Who he is?
And I know you just smiled overthem because you know why they
are quality friends.
Not like the other people, youcan already think about times
where they were down for you andthere for you.
And despite many conflicts youmay have had over the years,
they are still standing withyou.
(15:52):
So.
With quality friends, they dostand the test of times, which
are challenges, as I've alreadymentioned, busy schedules,
life's responsibilities.
We just do a lot as adults.
We really don't have time.
I don't care what nobody says.
There's just no time.
There's not enough time in theday.
My best friend from high school,we literally used to only see
(16:15):
each other two times a year.
If that.
One time a year for sure for herbirthday.
Always showed up for herbirthday.
But other than that, it was justso hard.
She does, she's very busy withher job.
She does a lot.
She's in leadership.
And then at one point, I was inleadership, or I was doing my
internship.
Our schedules just did notmatch.
Making it very difficult for usto really plan anything.
(16:39):
But it didn't kill ourfriendship.
Because you know what?
When, even if you're not able tosee each other in person, it's
okay.
Other ways me and her connectthrough memes, different little
mocktail videos, different puppyvideos, just all kinds of
things.
And then we'll just message eachother every now and then because
your friendship doesn't end justbecause you can't see each other
every day.
And that's one of thedifferences from like your
(17:00):
younger years, our friendshipsare based on proximity because
we could see you every day.
Hang out with you constantly,like not just text, like text
probably wouldn't be enough foryou.
If you were in middle school orhigh school, you just need that
constant connection.
I'll see you tomorrow.
We're in class together.
Oh my God, we need to have lunchtogether.
I need your presence.
(17:21):
Whereas as adults, we don't needeach other's presence.
We want each other's presence,but also understand that when we
can't have each other's presencedoesn't mean our love
disappears.
Bye.
Life phases may separate some ofus as I mentioned before,
careers, relationship, andparenthood because lifestyle
(17:43):
changes.
Again, the seasonal friendswill, will leave.
They won't be there because it'sjust I don't have nothing in
common with you.
I'm single, but you're married.
What are we going to be doing?
Or, Oh, you got a kid.
I don't like you're goingthrough motherhood and I don't
know how to be there.
I don't want to be around kidsall the time.
Some people just fall off, butyour quality friends are going
(18:05):
to be there anyways.
Think about that when you make anew friend.
Think about that when you aretalking to new people.
And that leads me to even makingnew friends as an adult, which
is kind of awkward.
It's awkward because it's notlike we're in a classroom and
you got all these selections ofpeople in this one building.
(18:25):
We have to Actually beintentional about who we're
talking to and if we even wantto talk to people It's just
awkward cuz you're just like sowhat do I tell you?
What do I say?
Almost like a first date Evendating is awkward as an adult as
you get older.
So it's the same thing as likewe're friends.
You're just This, this is weird.
(18:46):
What do I say?
But I find that with like adultfriendships, you end up clicking
with people due to likesituations that tend to happen
sometimes.
Whether that's somebody you metat work or you're at an event
and something is happening andyou both make a similar reaction
or have similar thoughts tosomething and you just laugh or
you end up engaging more withthat.
(19:08):
Thought that's usually how myfriendships and adult has
happened.
I don't go out of my way to lookfor friends I Have an intention
such as like I want to dosomething I don't know whether
that's I want to learn to makebath bombs or whatever.
So I end up joining groups.
I'm watching YouTubes orwhatever.
(19:29):
And as I'm in those groups, I'mstarting to talk with people and
we're just commenting back andforth.
And sometimes you just hit therewhere you then end up having a
mentor or you get somebodythat's doing the journey with
you.
Boom.
You're starting to make a friendthere.
Same thing with just anything.
I don't know, even if you are aperson that meets people outside
and about like the, I'm not thebar, but a lounge or whatnot,
it's usually something thatclicks.
(19:50):
That's like, Oh, that's sofunny.
What?
Okay.
Why do you think about that?
And then you guys just keeptalking and talking, but I
understand it's awkward and it'shard.
It's just, it just is.
It's not as easy as when we werekids, everybody just doesn't
like you off rip and noteverybody will give you a fair
chance.
So we're wise with it.
(20:11):
It's okay.
And then on top of that otherchallenges in adult friendships,
conflicts and setting boundarieswas go back to, our last
session.
Two sessions ago.
So a month ago when we talkedabout boundaries, navigating
conflict, because not everybodydeals with conflict well, and
not everybody is comfortablesetting boundaries, reinforcing
(20:32):
boundaries, or even somerespecting it.
So those.
will definitely be challengeseven when you're making new
relationships and when you'retrying to Enhance your current
ones you may find this verydaunting to talk about the
boundaries with your currentfriends Because some friends
(20:52):
might feel like you acting up,or you know you brand new Which
is not really the case againYour quality friends are not
gonna come at you like that yourquality friends are gonna come
from a place of love andcuriosity And be like Shay,
what's going on like you're goodAre you all right?
What's happened lately?
Tell me about what's going on inlife right now.
I'm okay to respect that.
I just want to understand thechanges that are going on with
(21:13):
you and perfectly fine.
Then we can have opencommunication.
Not everybody's that way.
Let me tell you, your boundarieswill be the quick way to weed
out your quantity friends fromyour quality ones.
You'll really realize who'saround you when you start
putting those boundaries down.
So Shay, how do we buildmeaningful friendships?
(21:33):
Like help me out.
I told you one of them beintentional.
You got to make space andefforts for friendship.
And it goes both ways, viceversa.
I'm not telling you to be theonly one making space and the
only one making effort.
This goes both ways.
We got to reach out to people.
If we're thinking aboutsomebody, go send the text.
If you wanting to, set somethingup.
(21:55):
Go for it in a space, putyourself out there, and I know
that's hard, and I know it'sscary, and I know it's awkward,
but it's gonna be really goodfor you.
This is how we meet people.
You gotta put yourself outthere.
No different than when you'redating.
Be intentional about yourfriendships too.
They deserve the effort.
(22:15):
They're worth the time.
Finding your people.
Where and how to connect.
I mentioned bath bombs andwhatnot.
Whatever.
I do hand creations from time totime.
I do dancing, yoga I go toevents, wellness retreats, It's
just some places, but those areplaces where I can communicate
(22:37):
and connect with other people.
I get to find other people whoare interested in lifestyle
choices that I'm into.
And that's a place to start witha friendship because it brings
y'all together.
You have a common thing and nowwe can explore other avenues of
one another.
Think about your hobbies, thinkabout events you love to go to,
(22:59):
think about different communityfestivals or whatnot that you
want to be a part of.
This is the place where we goahead and connect.
And I know, again, connecting ishard, but you can do it, go.
Go do it.
Go talk to that person.
Go tell them you love theirdress.
Tell them you love their makeup.
Tell them you love theirjewelry.
(23:20):
Where do they get that from?
Oh my God, we've got them intothat.
Go ahead.
I make it a point for myself,not that I'm trying to be
friends with everybody, but if Ilike something on somebody, I do
go up to them and I tell them, Ilove your dress.
You have beautiful eyes.
I love your hair.
Oh my God, your shoes areamazing.
And I do that.
(23:40):
Just because one, it gets me outmy shell.
Two, it does make people feelgood.
And it does spark upconversations from time to time.
And you meet new people.
It works.
I'm telling you.
Go ahead.
Now, don't be creepy about it.
Actually mean your compliment.
Don't just compliment tocompliment and not be sincere.
That's weird.
Now, that's really awkward.
(24:02):
And when you finally meet thatperson, you guys are connecting
on the hobbies or events you goto, or maybe the communities you
guys are both a part of, you candeepen the connection.
And this is important becauseyou're going to need
vulnerability and reciprocity.
Reciprocity.
It has to be reciprocal.
And that's what I meant withbeing intentional.
This is a space where we chooseUse your discernment, of course,
(24:26):
to be vulnerable.
This is when we get to know eachother.
This is where we get to knowthings that have hurt us or
things that bother us.
Things we just so love notsaying it, it doesn't have to be
trauma based, but vulnerabilityis just being real.
No mask being you, raw andauthentic.
(24:46):
You don't need to play a role.
You just need to be you.
And I know that's scary becausewhat if they don't accept you?
What if they think you're weird?
What if they think, I don'tknow, they just have a bias
about something.
And they're allowed to havethose feelings.
They can have those thoughts,but those thoughts and those
feelings don't define who youare.
(25:06):
You deserve to be loved and seenby people who want to get you,
who want to understand you.
We don't have to like all thesame things and we don't have to
be a carbon copy of each other.
That's not what a meaningfulfriendship looks like.
We're going to be different.
We're going to be into differentthings and some of us are going
to have very differentbackgrounds but the fact that
(25:28):
we're vulnerable and able tospeak about those different
backgrounds and how they shapedus and why we're into what we
are and we're just curious aboutone another and we are You know
also giving back that curiosityto other people deepens our
connection because we get tolearn more about each other
outside of just the one or twothings that connected us in the
(25:48):
Beginning.
And once you got theserelationships.
Keep going.
Maintain consistency.
You got to stay connecteddespite busy schedules.
Like I said, my best friend fromhigh school, we do memes, dog
videos.
Anytime that I'm thinking abouther, I'm telling, I'm sending
her that meme or whatever.
My other friend, I have twobesties that are also out of
(26:10):
state.
Probably actually technicallythree.
Hi, Tashi.
Probably three.
But, again, they get memes.
I got a weekly date with theother one.
The other one, we share mocktailrecipes.
I mean, we share a lot ofcooking recipes.
I don't really cook, but I loveto see when she cooks.
I'm an observer.
I love it.
But it's consistent.
We have to stay connected witheach other despite these
(26:33):
schedules because without thatconnection, what are we doing?
It's just like how you're goingto be intentional in your
relationship with your, romanticpartner.
Be intentional with yourfriends.
That's how we stay strong.
That's how we stand the test oftimes.
But also, yeah, we're going torespect life seasons.
(26:53):
I'm not expecting my friends tobe overly active in
communication if say, for one,one just had a baby.
Girl, I'm not expecting you tobe texting me.
You got brain fog.
You got new motherhood.
What does it even mean to be amother?
I don't even know.
Your body's going through somany changes.
I don't know what yourrelationship is looking like
right now.
(27:14):
Everything's looking chaotic andyou don't need me going down
your throat talking about, Oh myGod, like really?
You haven't texted me in threeweeks.
I mean, it's.
Oh, it's already been threeweeks.
You already pushed her out.
What's the what's the big deal?
Absolutely not.
We gotta respect the lifeseasons we have.
We gotta allow our friendshipsto evolve naturally.
Be there for one another.
(27:34):
Your roles as a friend looksdifferent in each season for
each person and that's okay.
Let them evolve.
Let yourself grow in thisfriendship.
And again, continue to alwaysset boundaries.
Our friendships should befulfilling.
Not draining.
(27:55):
We should not feel drained whenwe see that girl's name or that
boy's name show up on our phone.
It shouldn't be dread and eyeroller.
Oh dang, it's her again.
Dang, it's him again.
Oh man, I've been dipping anddodging.
Why?
Why is this friendship sodraining?
What about this person makes youavoidant?
(28:17):
What about this friendship maybecauses harm?
We gotta really think aboutthat.
Set your boundaries.
And if they don't respect it,That means we got to let go and
then we got to navigatedisagreements without losing
friendships.
We're not going to likeeverything.
We're not going to agree oneverything.
(28:39):
There's nothing wrong with that.
Our differences make usbeautiful.
Again, differences make usbeautiful.
We grow from difference when wehear each other.
We don't have to agree witheverything.
Nothing should be big enough tolose your friendship over unless
it is attached to your valuesand beliefs.
(29:02):
Like your core being as aperson.
And look, that's up to you.
That could be political.
That could be just, your verythoughts of being of what makes
you who you are.
End.
If something about that person,they disrespect some kind of
part of you, you're part ofLGBTQ, you know, cute.
(29:23):
Yeah.
L G B Q T I A plus, let me getit correct.
Cause I am an ally.
Like just, they disrespect somesort of aspect of your life,
downplay it, dismiss it,whatnot.
We're always open to havingconversations, again, curiosity,
but if that disagreement meansthat you disagree with who I am
(29:48):
as a person, how are we evenfriends?
How can you show it for meauthentically without that bias?
And those are just conversationsto have.
We don't need to yell about it.
We can just talk about it.
Just how.
And if we don't have a how or wedon't feel like we can, then we
need to let it go.
But every conflict does not meanwe got to fight about something.
(30:10):
If somebody is hurt aboutsomething that you did, we can
give each other a cooling off.
We can step back for a second,take a breather.
Come back the next day, send atext, but don't just go without
talking.
If you feel hurt, communicatethat that's how we move forward.
But again, recognize when afriendship is no longer serving
(30:30):
you.
We talked about letting go inthe last session.
We have to let go.
If it hurts us, if it belittlesus.
It dismisses us.
It doesn't hear us.
It doesn't see us.
It doesn't think about us.
If that friendship makes youfeel so lowly, makes you feel
invisible, let them go.
(30:51):
Let them go.
And understand sometimes it'snot even something ugly.
Sometimes we outgrowfriendships, and that's normal.
Remember what I mentioned.
Some people are meant to beseasonal.
Let that person be seasonal.
Let them be your winter and thenwhen they leave and it's time
for spring, let them go.
(31:12):
Let them melt away.
It's alright.
Not every friendship will standthe test of time and that's
painful and it hurts.
But we got to learn to releasefriendship or gratitude instead
of guilt.
Don't hold on to people becauseman, I just feel so guilty.
I may potentially be the onlyfriend they got, or, we've been
friends since we were inkindergarten and oh man, but I
(31:35):
owe them so much for all they'vedone for me and hold up, hold
up, hold up.
Gratitude instead.
You can still be grateful foreverything you've done for that
person or they've done for you.
You can be appreciative of theirrole in your life.
You can still love that personand release them because the
(31:58):
friendship no longer serves you.
You guys aren't on the same pageat all.
The way you think about life andsee life or where you're going
in your life, the next level,you find it really hard to see
how they're gonna fit in there.
And that's okay.
We have these meaningfulconnections for a reason.
If it's not going to bring youpeace, happiness, joy,
(32:21):
fulfillment, and it's just goingto bring dread or just
obligation, learn to releasethat person, appreciate all that
the friendship gave and then letit go.
Let that bad boy go.
You're not a bad person for it.
And maybe as I talked aboutthis, you already have somebody
in mind and you just wonder,Shay, I don't know.
(32:44):
It's still hard.
I'm not telling you, you have tolet that person go today, but
there's also no purpose for you.
It's not good for you to keepsomebody in your life that
doesn't bring joy and that youprobably don't even bring joy to
anymore because they probablydon't even reach out as much
(33:05):
either.
So why are we wasting time?
Just think about it.
You don't have to do anythingelse.
Just reflect.
So remember our friendships, wegot to be intentional about it.
Find your people and bevulnerable.
Be ready to be vulnerable and doyour part.
(33:26):
Continue to reach out to yourfriends.
Respect whatever they're goingthrough in their life and accept
your role in there and keepgoing with them boundaries.
Those are important We got this.
Being an adult is weird.
This hood is crazy, but we'regonna make it Okay, so as you're
(33:46):
thinking about your friendshipsin the next two weeks till our
next What's one step you cantake to nurture a friendship
this week?
What's one step?
I'm going to say one week.
What's one step you can take tonurture your friendships in the
(34:08):
next two weeks?
Think about it.
I'm going to post that questionon IG.
It'll probably be postedhonestly on Monday until
tomorrow.
So I want to hear from you.
What's the one step you're goingto take to nurture a friendship
this week?
My step is that I made time formy bestie.
(34:29):
So I saw her Monday my otherbestie.
I'm gonna Talk with her aboutthe anime.
We just watched which I have somuch to talk about on that
because the heck And then let'ssee what other ones I'm gonna do
I'll share with you on there tooBut those are a couple of ones
(34:49):
that I'm doing already this weekYou just need to pick one step
that you can take you don't haveto go too crazy about it.
So Thank you again for sharingthis space with me.
Thank you for being vulnerablewith me.
If you cried thinking about thefriendships you needed to
release while listening to thisepisode, that's a okay.
(35:09):
You're okay boo.
Let those tears fall.
Be in it.
It's all right.
This episode is not meant tomake you feel bad about the
friends you have.
You have whatever friends youhave for whatever season they
serve their purpose for.
I get it.
And it's hard.
I don't want anybody to feelisolated or alone.
(35:31):
If they, gotta leave people.
If you gotta go find your peoplewhile still managing with that
person in your life.
Do that.
Do that.
You don't gotta cold turkeypeople unless they're really
disrespectful and abusive.
Yeah, cold turkey and do whatyou gotta do.
But again, thank you so much forbeing here with me.
(35:52):
I appreciate you guys so much.
I want us to start diving into aseries about embracing change
and empowering ourselves.
What?
Shea?
Yeah.
So we're going to go ahead andwe're going to dive into that.
And, some of those beliefs wegot to change that.
So we're going to talk aboutletting go our limiting beliefs.
(36:13):
We're going to talk aboutrewriting our narrative because
we're allowed to, you're allowedto pivot and change who you are
without having to worry aboutwhat other people got to say
about it.
And I'm going to be here withyou while we do that.
So.
If you're ready for that.
Yay.
So again, thank you forlistening.
Please share this podcast withall your loved ones, wherever
(36:36):
they listen to podcasts,Spotify, Apple, wherever else
you're listening to me at.
Share the love, share the gems,drop the reflections.
If you have questions for me,please DM me.
You can email me asshifthappenswithshea at gmail.
com.
You can reach out to me onInstagram at
shifthappenswithshea.
You can even find me on LinkedInif you want to go that route and
(36:59):
that Shantanique Moore King, youwill find me on there.
If you want to work with me,reach out to me.
I'm happy to do so.
Okay.
So please share the podcast.
Do the reviews.
I appreciate you guys when youdo.
I really do.
That's all for now.
You guys are phenomenal.
You're amazing.
(37:19):
Keep pushing.
Life's hard, but you're moreimpressive, honestly, than life.
All right, guys.
Love you all.
Hey there, and welcome to ShiftHappens with Shea.
I'm Shea, your host and licensedmarriage and family therapist.
This podcast is where we diveinto all the shift life throws
our way, whether it'srelationships, mental health,
personal growth, or justfiguring out this crazy journey
of adulting.
Here, we're all about honestconversation, real stories, and
a whole lot of laughs as wetackle life's challenges
(00:22):
together.
This is your space to grow,explore, and feel seen.
So grab a cozy spot, maybe a cupof coffee or a wine, and let's
get ready to shift through itall.
Thanks for tuning in, andremember, no matter what life
brings us, we're in thistogether.
Hey guys welcome.
I am so excited to have you backfor another session.
(00:44):
How did your week go?
Well, actually your two weeks, Ihope it was phenomenal.
And if it wasn't, I hope youwere able to seek comfort, sit
in that, you know, those suckyfeelings and then let them pass
through because those feelingsdo not dictate the rest of your
life.
The rest of your day.
(01:05):
The rest of your week.
Let the feelings pass like anocean.
Last time in session, we weretalking about letting go.
So how did we do with letting goin these past two weeks?
What are some things you foundyourself being able to let go
that was easy, maybe going on afast or no longer taking dairy
(01:29):
because you have an intoleranceor what were some things that
were difficult such as havinghard conversations?
with loved ones, maybe changingyour career path, maybe changing
your major in school and havingto pivot from your dream job.
There's a lot of things thatcome with letting go.
(01:51):
But also with letting go, like Imentioned before, we then Get to
open up and be accessible andready to receive more beautiful
things for our lives, such asbuilding and maintaining
meaningful connections.
So that's what this episode isabout.
So friendships in adulthood lookvery different from what they
(02:13):
look like in our younger yearsand meaningful connections are
essential for our wellbeing.
Today, we're going to explorehow, building, maintaining, and
nurturing friendships that trulymatter, even with our busy
schedules.
Arges.
Chef kiss like that.
I feel like looking over theyears of my friendships, they
(02:33):
have definitely changed.
You know how when we're younger,we're told we got to be friends
with everybody and it don'tmatter.
Be nice, be kind.
Even though you might think thekid in the corner is kind of
weird, but your mom told you,you have to be nice.
So you got to be friends with inclass.
And it's so interesting thatfrom like a young age, we tell
(02:56):
everybody with this internalmessage or like subliminal that
you need to be accepted byeverybody.
And in order to do that, youhave to accept everybody.
When, as we get older, thatdismantles because as we go
through school, we then end upgetting clicky.
(03:16):
You start finding your peopleanyways, and you Don't talk to
anybody really well, I'm notgonna say not anybody but not
everybody you start clickingwith people that you actually
care about I can remember kidsin my Of course elementary
school that I clicked with but Iwasn't friends with everybody in
the class, but I knew everybodyin the class Which was fine.
(03:39):
I mean we all ended up going tothe same classes together from
grade one through four fifthgrade We got a little spicy and
I went to public school So I nolonger got to be on my friends
which sucked but new beginningsbecause I ended up clicking
pretty well with It's about, I'dsay about four, four or five
people in my class and whichisn't too bad.
(04:01):
And even if I wasn't likebesties with the rest of the
class, I knew them from actuallykindergarten because we all went
to the same afterschool programand whatnot, which was wild.
And it's funny that I'm havingthis conversation because I just
talked to my boyfriend aboutthis as we went out to eat and
we were just going through ourchildhood, but like Friendships
(04:22):
there, I do feel like they werepretty deep, deep in a sense of
however deep I was at the time.
I mean, how deep can you be as a10 year old as long as you
really haven't been throughtrauma?
Or have been taught tointellectualize your feelings.
But, I was pretty close withpeople then, we laughed, we
(04:43):
talked about drawings, anime,whatever was happening in class,
getting excited about going tomiddle school.
And then my friendships startedto look a little different.
It became a little harder forme.
And to make friends just becausemiddle school year, I jumped
around from school to schoolmoving between Florida and New
(05:04):
York, which I will say my middleschool years were definitely
hard.
They're a little strange.
I feel like middle school isjust a strange period in life.
I don't really care what nobodysays, but it just always is
weird.
I feel like it's this weirdtwilight zone.
I don't know.
It's a weird time.
But not that middle school wasbad.
I did make friends.
I did get close again.
So like a good core group offour or five people and then
(05:26):
would have a bestie, like a mainbestie in that group.
But then I'd have to leave andthen start over again.
And I'm already not really thebiggest person.
I'm just letting everybody in mycircle and just.
I'm just going out there and Iknow it's wild as you guys are
listening to me.
And if you've seen me in realtime, most people think I'm an
(05:49):
extrovert and I am far fromthat.
I am not extroverted whatsoever.
I'm extroverted when I have tobe just like you could be
ambidextrous with your hands.
I just am ambidextrous withthat.
But my extrovert is kind of.
Just needed in the moment, but Ican't go long periods.
I am not energized having fullblown conversations all day and
(06:12):
being around people all day.
Now from my loved ones, yeah,all means.
I'm definitely okay and don'tfeel my energy being zapped as
quickly.
So yeah, definitely introvertthere.
But like I mentioned, it washard because every year I was
moving, I was making thesefriends and then boom, we're
gone.
(06:33):
Eighth grade year was definitelyreally hard as I was in Florida.
permanently.
And I got excited.
The high school I was going togo to, I got to do sleepovers
for the first time in eighthgrade and stuff, which was
amazing because my mama's notlike that.
And as a child, I'm like, cool,we're finally stable.
We have stability.
(06:53):
And I'm going to have friendsthat I don't know.
We're going to high school.
So we're gonna be friendsforever because forever is what
you tell your friends whenyou're that young even with
that.
Nope.
Ended up moving to another cityin Florida and that really
sucked.
I still talk to two of myfriends from then, but it's not
the same.
We were actually really close.
(07:13):
A lot of things we were incommon.
And I find that like the commontheme when you're younger is
that you connect kind of like asyou do as adults, but more of
like what your current, uh,obsession or passion hobbies are
you connect a lot on that and atthat time for me it was we were
connecting about boys animedrawing and then we had similar
(07:34):
classes such as like computerclass but yeah most of it was
anime primarily inuyasha youcouldn't tell me and my friends
anything when it came to thatbut then in high school it was
so different still having tofind something to connect with
people but realizing you didn'treally find your people And high
school, you spend so much timeagain, going back to that
(07:58):
kindergarten mindset, trying tobe liked by everybody, trying to
find your niche, your group,your people.
And it's so hard because youmask like no tomorrow until you
might find your people.
And even in high school, I had agood amount of friends that I
actually sat with at the tableand stuff like that.
Those girls, they're, I'm notclose to them whatsoever.
(08:18):
They can't really tell youanything deep about me.
We just hung out with eachother.
I made, honestly, really threegood friends out of high school,
and one of them I don't talk to.
One of them is still my bestfriend, and the other, I connect
with him every now and then, andI just love to see his growth.
So we talk almost like pen pals.
Like, how are you doing?
It's almost like snail mail, butin real time.
(08:41):
Yeah, and then college my momalways told me you'll meet your
real friends in college and Shewas right Not that my friends in
high school are not my realfriends or anything like that.
Like I love my new muffin Iactually saw her just recently
on Monday.
So I just realized an adult, youknow You go through a lot of
(09:02):
things as an adult Whether it istraumatic, love, careers,
academic, finding out who youare as a person, it's so
wonderful to see how thosefriendships mature over time
because you get to see the womenor men in your life.
(09:23):
Change with you as life is goingon, whether it's on fire or it's
blooming, it's just sodifferent.
And I'm so blessed with thefriend group I currently have.
It's been trial and error asanything, but yeah, I wouldn't
change my girls for the world.
(09:43):
And also the guys in my life whoare amazing support systems like
my brothers.
I will say it is harder tomaintain friends as we get older
and that's just because noteverybody's meant to grow with
you.
Some people are just meant to bea season and it hurts because
people who were meant to beseasonal, we really cry because
we were trying so hard to keepthem in our lives as a forever,
(10:06):
as a root on our tree instead ofa branch.
And of course, it's hard becauselife, you go to different
schools or You have differentjobs, you move, you have a kid,
so you're in different phases ofyour life.
Somebody gets married, you're ina different phase in life.
I feel like phases in life thathappen when we're adults is what
(10:27):
makes it a little bit difficultas we get older.
So, Backtracking thoughfriendships are still important.
No, despite their difficulties.
They're still amazing to haveThey help our mental health.
I mean, we are just not meant tobe isolated.
We are meant to be around othersWe are meant to feel loved.
(10:49):
We are meant to be embraced.
We are meant to socialize We aremeant to have our own community
everybody Cultural whatnot inyour cultures, you will find
that people have a community, avillage, and just the same as
they say it takes a village toraise a child, that does not
change when it comes to youradulthood.
(11:09):
It takes a village because noking did not have a council.
Every king did.
Every person has somebody thatthey can rely on to.
Talk to about their deepfeelings, their thoughts, maybe,
career moves they're thinkingabout doing new relationships,
(11:30):
just any kind of decision makingthat's going on.
The role of your friendship andyour mental health is just
exponential.
It really helps us alleviatethat loneliness and let us know
that there are people in ourcorner that care about us and
happiness and longevity Do youknow how amazing it is with life
(11:50):
you when you look forward tosharing it with other people?
No different than a romanticpartner.
So saying what your friendshipYou want people to share your
life with, you want people toshare your wins with your
accomplishments, yourachievements.
I recently became licensed inanother state and I was so
excited.
Of course I told my family, butthen I ran and told my
(12:11):
girlfriends, we have our likenice little girl squad chat.
And I just went and told themlike, hell my God.
Hey.
And they were just like, we gota party.
We got to celebrate celebrationdinner.
Oh my gosh, you did that.
Like always hyping me up.
It just gives me happiness.
It does give me reassurance, ofcourse, a little validation, and
it just makes life worth livinganother reason.
(12:34):
And that goes into me alsosaying that quality over
quantity is key in adultfriendships.
I don't know about y'all.
I personally cannot fathomhaving.
a large friend group and likemaybe 10 plus or whatnot.
And I mean like really, really,really close friends.
That's too much.
Life is really hard to keep upwith one another due to the
(12:56):
responsibilities we got going onour busy schedules, whether
that's what Children, yourrelationship, your career,
every, everything just kind ofhappens there.
So large groups are hard, butit's also hard to the track
quality.
You will always find qualitywins over quantity because when
you realize that people are notreaching out to you you're doing
(13:18):
a lot of the reaching out,you're doing a lot, you know,
like calling, trying to makeplans, you find an event,
thinking about people and you goout of your way to let them
know.
But they don't do it bad backyou end up deleting them people
who control alt delete becauseyou feel empty You feel unloved
(13:41):
you feel unworthy of theirattention you feel possibly
resentment because it's justunfair Always go for quality
Quality friendships will last alifetime They will stand the
test of time They won't justdeteriorate because you didn't
want to go to a certain event oryou're no longer into a certain
(14:04):
lifestyle.
These friendships.
Actually grow with you all themany versions of you and it
accepts you and it holds you andIt's there to support you.
You want people that you couldtalk about all things with and I
mean that all things wait I'mnot saying that you have to
overshare with everyone I am afirm believer also that some
(14:27):
friends just all serve a certainpurpose Because maybe you're
closer to one friend and youfeel like you could go more in
depth on a certain subject thanwith another friend But that's
where again, that quality comesfrom you want to have quality
friendships that's not based onsuperficial things There are
tons of people who like anime.
I am NOT friends with everybodythat likes anime I am friends
(14:49):
with people who may be intoanime or may not.
Yeah, I am friends with peopleWho really care about more than
one aspect of me as a person?
This not just because I loveanime that we're friends.
I love anime.
That's one thing about me Youlove but you love me because of
all these other things too andwhat we do for each other and
(15:11):
our friendship and not in like aTransactional manner not like
that at all So definitely getyou quality friends, and I'm
wondering as you're listening tothis Just you know, I know
you're in the car or whereveryou're at But really think about
it who your quality friends howmany you got of them like?
On your fingers who, who arethey?
Who she, who she is?
(15:32):
Who he is?
And I know you just smiled overthem because you know why they
are quality friends.
Not like the other people, youcan already think about times
where they were down for you andthere for you.
And despite many conflicts youmay have had over the years,
they are still standing withyou.
(15:52):
So.
With quality friends, they dostand the test of times, which
are challenges, as I've alreadymentioned, busy schedules,
life's responsibilities.
We just do a lot as adults.
We really don't have time.
I don't care what nobody says.
There's just no time.
There's not enough time in theday.
My best friend from high school,we literally used to only see
(16:15):
each other two times a year.
If that.
One time a year for sure for herbirthday.
Always showed up for herbirthday.
But other than that, it was justso hard.
She does, she's very busy withher job.
She does a lot.
She's in leadership.
And then at one point, I was inleadership, or I was doing my
internship.
Our schedules just did notmatch.
Making it very difficult for usto really plan anything.
(16:39):
But it didn't kill ourfriendship.
Because you know what?
When, even if you're not able tosee each other in person, it's
okay.
Other ways me and her connectthrough memes, different little
mocktail videos, different puppyvideos, just all kinds of
things.
And then we'll just message eachother every now and then because
your friendship doesn't end justbecause you can't see each other
every day.
And that's one of thedifferences from like your
(17:00):
younger years, our friendshipsare based on proximity because
we could see you every day.
Hang out with you constantly,like not just text, like text
probably wouldn't be enough foryou.
If you were in middle school orhigh school, you just need that
constant connection.
I'll see you tomorrow.
We're in class together.
Oh my God, we need to have lunchtogether.
I need your presence.
(17:21):
Whereas as adults, we don't needeach other's presence.
We want each other's presence,but also understand that when we
can't have each other's presencedoesn't mean our love
disappears.
Bye.
Life phases may separate some ofus as I mentioned before,
careers, relationship, andparenthood because lifestyle
(17:43):
changes.
Again, the seasonal friendswill, will leave.
They won't be there because it'sjust I don't have nothing in
common with you.
I'm single, but you're married.
What are we going to be doing?
Or, Oh, you got a kid.
I don't like you're goingthrough motherhood and I don't
know how to be there.
I don't want to be around kidsall the time.
Some people just fall off, butyour quality friends are going
(18:05):
to be there anyways.
Think about that when you make anew friend.
Think about that when you aretalking to new people.
And that leads me to even makingnew friends as an adult, which
is kind of awkward.
It's awkward because it's notlike we're in a classroom and
you got all these selections ofpeople in this one building.
(18:25):
We have to Actually beintentional about who we're
talking to and if we even wantto talk to people It's just
awkward cuz you're just like sowhat do I tell you?
What do I say?
Almost like a first date Evendating is awkward as an adult as
you get older.
So it's the same thing as likewe're friends.
You're just This, this is weird.
(18:46):
What do I say?
But I find that with like adultfriendships, you end up clicking
with people due to likesituations that tend to happen
sometimes.
Whether that's somebody you metat work or you're at an event
and something is happening andyou both make a similar reaction
or have similar thoughts tosomething and you just laugh or
you end up engaging more withthat.
(19:08):
Thought that's usually how myfriendships and adult has
happened.
I don't go out of my way to lookfor friends I Have an intention
such as like I want to dosomething I don't know whether
that's I want to learn to makebath bombs or whatever.
So I end up joining groups.
I'm watching YouTubes orwhatever.
(19:29):
And as I'm in those groups, I'mstarting to talk with people and
we're just commenting back andforth.
And sometimes you just hit therewhere you then end up having a
mentor or you get somebodythat's doing the journey with
you.
Boom.
You're starting to make a friendthere.
Same thing with just anything.
I don't know, even if you are aperson that meets people outside
and about like the, I'm not thebar, but a lounge or whatnot,
it's usually something thatclicks.
(19:50):
That's like, Oh, that's sofunny.
What?
Okay.
Why do you think about that?
And then you guys just keeptalking and talking, but I
understand it's awkward and it'shard.
It's just, it just is.
It's not as easy as when we werekids, everybody just doesn't
like you off rip and noteverybody will give you a fair
chance.
So we're wise with it.
(20:11):
It's okay.
And then on top of that otherchallenges in adult friendships,
conflicts and setting boundarieswas go back to, our last
session.
Two sessions ago.
So a month ago when we talkedabout boundaries, navigating
conflict, because not everybodydeals with conflict well, and
not everybody is comfortablesetting boundaries, reinforcing
(20:32):
boundaries, or even somerespecting it.
So those.
will definitely be challengeseven when you're making new
relationships and when you'retrying to Enhance your current
ones you may find this verydaunting to talk about the
boundaries with your currentfriends Because some friends
(20:52):
might feel like you acting up,or you know you brand new Which
is not really the case againYour quality friends are not
gonna come at you like that yourquality friends are gonna come
from a place of love andcuriosity And be like Shay,
what's going on like you're goodAre you all right?
What's happened lately?
Tell me about what's going on inlife right now.
I'm okay to respect that.
I just want to understand thechanges that are going on with
(21:13):
you and perfectly fine.
Then we can have opencommunication.
Not everybody's that way.
Let me tell you, your boundarieswill be the quick way to weed
out your quantity friends fromyour quality ones.
You'll really realize who'saround you when you start
putting those boundaries down.
So Shay, how do we buildmeaningful friendships?
(21:33):
Like help me out.
I told you one of them beintentional.
You got to make space andefforts for friendship.
And it goes both ways, viceversa.
I'm not telling you to be theonly one making space and the
only one making effort.
This goes both ways.
We got to reach out to people.
If we're thinking aboutsomebody, go send the text.
If you wanting to, set somethingup.
(21:55):
Go for it in a space, putyourself out there, and I know
that's hard, and I know it'sscary, and I know it's awkward,
but it's gonna be really goodfor you.
This is how we meet people.
You gotta put yourself outthere.
No different than when you'redating.
Be intentional about yourfriendships too.
They deserve the effort.
(22:15):
They're worth the time.
Finding your people.
Where and how to connect.
I mentioned bath bombs andwhatnot.
Whatever.
I do hand creations from time totime.
I do dancing, yoga I go toevents, wellness retreats, It's
just some places, but those areplaces where I can communicate
(22:37):
and connect with other people.
I get to find other people whoare interested in lifestyle
choices that I'm into.
And that's a place to start witha friendship because it brings
y'all together.
You have a common thing and nowwe can explore other avenues of
one another.
Think about your hobbies, thinkabout events you love to go to,
(22:59):
think about different communityfestivals or whatnot that you
want to be a part of.
This is the place where we goahead and connect.
And I know, again, connecting ishard, but you can do it, go.
Go do it.
Go talk to that person.
Go tell them you love theirdress.
Tell them you love their makeup.
Tell them you love theirjewelry.
(23:20):
Where do they get that from?
Oh my God, we've got them intothat.
Go ahead.
I make it a point for myself,not that I'm trying to be
friends with everybody, but if Ilike something on somebody, I do
go up to them and I tell them, Ilove your dress.
You have beautiful eyes.
I love your hair.
Oh my God, your shoes areamazing.
And I do that.
(23:40):
Just because one, it gets me outmy shell.
Two, it does make people feelgood.
And it does spark upconversations from time to time.
And you meet new people.
It works.
I'm telling you.
Go ahead.
Now, don't be creepy about it.
Actually mean your compliment.
Don't just compliment tocompliment and not be sincere.
That's weird.
Now, that's really awkward.
(24:02):
And when you finally meet thatperson, you guys are connecting
on the hobbies or events you goto, or maybe the communities you
guys are both a part of, you candeepen the connection.
And this is important becauseyou're going to need
vulnerability and reciprocity.
Reciprocity.
It has to be reciprocal.
And that's what I meant withbeing intentional.
This is a space where we chooseUse your discernment, of course,
(24:26):
to be vulnerable.
This is when we get to know eachother.
This is where we get to knowthings that have hurt us or
things that bother us.
Things we just so love notsaying it, it doesn't have to be
trauma based, but vulnerabilityis just being real.
No mask being you, raw andauthentic.
(24:46):
You don't need to play a role.
You just need to be you.
And I know that's scary becausewhat if they don't accept you?
What if they think you're weird?
What if they think, I don'tknow, they just have a bias
about something.
And they're allowed to havethose feelings.
They can have those thoughts,but those thoughts and those
feelings don't define who youare.
(25:06):
You deserve to be loved and seenby people who want to get you,
who want to understand you.
We don't have to like all thesame things and we don't have to
be a carbon copy of each other.
That's not what a meaningfulfriendship looks like.
We're going to be different.
We're going to be into differentthings and some of us are going
to have very differentbackgrounds but the fact that
(25:28):
we're vulnerable and able tospeak about those different
backgrounds and how they shapedus and why we're into what we
are and we're just curious aboutone another and we are You know
also giving back that curiosityto other people deepens our
connection because we get tolearn more about each other
outside of just the one or twothings that connected us in the
(25:48):
Beginning.
And once you got theserelationships.
Keep going.
Maintain consistency.
You got to stay connecteddespite busy schedules.
Like I said, my best friend fromhigh school, we do memes, dog
videos.
Anytime that I'm thinking abouther, I'm telling, I'm sending
her that meme or whatever.
My other friend, I have twobesties that are also out of
(26:10):
state.
Probably actually technicallythree.
Hi, Tashi.
Probably three.
But, again, they get memes.
I got a weekly date with theother one.
The other one, we share mocktailrecipes.
I mean, we share a lot ofcooking recipes.
I don't really cook, but I loveto see when she cooks.
I'm an observer.
I love it.
But it's consistent.
We have to stay connected witheach other despite these
(26:33):
schedules because without thatconnection, what are we doing?
It's just like how you're goingto be intentional in your
relationship with your, romanticpartner.
Be intentional with yourfriends.
That's how we stay strong.
That's how we stand the test oftimes.
But also, yeah, we're going torespect life seasons.
(26:53):
I'm not expecting my friends tobe overly active in
communication if say, for one,one just had a baby.
Girl, I'm not expecting you tobe texting me.
You got brain fog.
You got new motherhood.
What does it even mean to be amother?
I don't even know.
Your body's going through somany changes.
I don't know what yourrelationship is looking like
right now.
(27:14):
Everything's looking chaotic andyou don't need me going down
your throat talking about, Oh myGod, like really?
You haven't texted me in threeweeks.
I mean, it's.
Oh, it's already been threeweeks.
You already pushed her out.
What's the what's the big deal?
Absolutely not.
We gotta respect the lifeseasons we have.
We gotta allow our friendshipsto evolve naturally.
Be there for one another.
(27:34):
Your roles as a friend looksdifferent in each season for
each person and that's okay.
Let them evolve.
Let yourself grow in thisfriendship.
And again, continue to alwaysset boundaries.
Our friendships should befulfilling.
Not draining.
(27:55):
We should not feel drained whenwe see that girl's name or that
boy's name show up on our phone.
It shouldn't be dread and eyeroller.
Oh dang, it's her again.
Dang, it's him again.
Oh man, I've been dipping anddodging.
Why?
Why is this friendship sodraining?
What about this person makes youavoidant?
(28:17):
What about this friendship maybecauses harm?
We gotta really think aboutthat.
Set your boundaries.
And if they don't respect it,That means we got to let go and
then we got to navigatedisagreements without losing
friendships.
We're not going to likeeverything.
We're not going to agree oneverything.
(28:39):
There's nothing wrong with that.
Our differences make usbeautiful.
Again, differences make usbeautiful.
We grow from difference when wehear each other.
We don't have to agree witheverything.
Nothing should be big enough tolose your friendship over unless
it is attached to your valuesand beliefs.
(29:02):
Like your core being as aperson.
And look, that's up to you.
That could be political.
That could be just, your verythoughts of being of what makes
you who you are.
End.
If something about that person,they disrespect some kind of
part of you, you're part ofLGBTQ, you know, cute.
(29:23):
Yeah.
L G B Q T I A plus, let me getit correct.
Cause I am an ally.
Like just, they disrespect somesort of aspect of your life,
downplay it, dismiss it,whatnot.
We're always open to havingconversations, again, curiosity,
but if that disagreement meansthat you disagree with who I am
(29:48):
as a person, how are we evenfriends?
How can you show it for meauthentically without that bias?
And those are just conversationsto have.
We don't need to yell about it.
We can just talk about it.
Just how.
And if we don't have a how or wedon't feel like we can, then we
need to let it go.
But every conflict does not meanwe got to fight about something.
(30:10):
If somebody is hurt aboutsomething that you did, we can
give each other a cooling off.
We can step back for a second,take a breather.
Come back the next day, send atext, but don't just go without
talking.
If you feel hurt, communicatethat that's how we move forward.
But again, recognize when afriendship is no longer serving
(30:30):
you.
We talked about letting go inthe last session.
We have to let go.
If it hurts us, if it belittlesus.
It dismisses us.
It doesn't hear us.
It doesn't see us.
It doesn't think about us.
If that friendship makes youfeel so lowly, makes you feel
invisible, let them go.
(30:51):
Let them go.
And understand sometimes it'snot even something ugly.
Sometimes we outgrowfriendships, and that's normal.
Remember what I mentioned.
Some people are meant to beseasonal.
Let that person be seasonal.
Let them be your winter and thenwhen they leave and it's time
for spring, let them go.
(31:12):
Let them melt away.
It's alright.
Not every friendship will standthe test of time and that's
painful and it hurts.
But we got to learn to releasefriendship or gratitude instead
of guilt.
Don't hold on to people becauseman, I just feel so guilty.
I may potentially be the onlyfriend they got, or, we've been
friends since we were inkindergarten and oh man, but I
(31:35):
owe them so much for all they'vedone for me and hold up, hold
up, hold up.
Gratitude instead.
You can still be grateful foreverything you've done for that
person or they've done for you.
You can be appreciative of theirrole in your life.
You can still love that personand release them because the
(31:58):
friendship no longer serves you.
You guys aren't on the same pageat all.
The way you think about life andsee life or where you're going
in your life, the next level,you find it really hard to see
how they're gonna fit in there.
And that's okay.
We have these meaningfulconnections for a reason.
If it's not going to bring youpeace, happiness, joy,
(32:21):
fulfillment, and it's just goingto bring dread or just
obligation, learn to releasethat person, appreciate all that
the friendship gave and then letit go.
Let that bad boy go.
You're not a bad person for it.
And maybe as I talked aboutthis, you already have somebody
in mind and you just wonder,Shay, I don't know.
(32:44):
It's still hard.
I'm not telling you, you have tolet that person go today, but
there's also no purpose for you.
It's not good for you to keepsomebody in your life that
doesn't bring joy and that youprobably don't even bring joy to
anymore because they probablydon't even reach out as much
(33:05):
either.
So why are we wasting time?
Just think about it.
You don't have to do anythingelse.
Just reflect.
So remember our friendships, wegot to be intentional about it.
Find your people and bevulnerable.
Be ready to be vulnerable and doyour part.
(33:26):
Continue to reach out to yourfriends.
Respect whatever they're goingthrough in their life and accept
your role in there and keepgoing with them boundaries.
Those are important We got this.
Being an adult is weird.
This hood is crazy, but we'regonna make it Okay, so as you're
(33:46):
thinking about your friendshipsin the next two weeks till our
next What's one step you cantake to nurture a friendship
this week?
What's one step?
I'm going to say one week.
What's one step you can take tonurture your friendships in the
(34:08):
next two weeks?
Think about it.
I'm going to post that questionon IG.
It'll probably be postedhonestly on Monday until
tomorrow.
So I want to hear from you.
What's the one step you're goingto take to nurture a friendship
this week?
My step is that I made time formy bestie.
(34:29):
So I saw her Monday my otherbestie.
I'm gonna Talk with her aboutthe anime.
We just watched which I have somuch to talk about on that
because the heck And then let'ssee what other ones I'm gonna do
I'll share with you on there tooBut those are a couple of ones
(34:49):
that I'm doing already this weekYou just need to pick one step
that you can take you don't haveto go too crazy about it.
So Thank you again for sharingthis space with me.
Thank you for being vulnerablewith me.
If you cried thinking about thefriendships you needed to
release while listening to thisepisode, that's a okay.
(35:09):
You're okay boo.
Let those tears fall.
Be in it.
It's all right.
This episode is not meant tomake you feel bad about the
friends you have.
You have whatever friends youhave for whatever season they
serve their purpose for.
I get it.
And it's hard.
I don't want anybody to feelisolated or alone.
(35:31):
If they, gotta leave people.
If you gotta go find your peoplewhile still managing with that
person in your life.
Do that.
Do that.
You don't gotta cold turkeypeople unless they're really
disrespectful and abusive.
Yeah, cold turkey and do whatyou gotta do.
But again, thank you so much forbeing here with me.
(35:52):
I appreciate you guys so much.
I want us to start diving into aseries about embracing change
and empowering ourselves.
What?
Shea?
Yeah.
So we're going to go ahead andwe're going to dive into that.
And, some of those beliefs wegot to change that.
So we're going to talk aboutletting go our limiting beliefs.
(36:13):
We're going to talk aboutrewriting our narrative because
we're allowed to, you're allowedto pivot and change who you are
without having to worry aboutwhat other people got to say
about it.
And I'm going to be here withyou while we do that.
So.
If you're ready for that.
Yay.
So again, thank you forlistening.
Please share this podcast withall your loved ones, wherever
(36:36):
they listen to podcasts,Spotify, Apple, wherever else
you're listening to me at.
Share the love, share the gems,drop the reflections.
If you have questions for me,please DM me.
You can email me asshifthappenswithshea at gmail.
com.
You can reach out to me onInstagram at
shifthappenswithshea.
You can even find me on LinkedInif you want to go that route and
(36:59):
that Shantanique Moore King, youwill find me on there.
If you want to work with me,reach out to me.
I'm happy to do so.
Okay.
So please share the podcast.
Do the reviews.
I appreciate you guys when youdo.
I really do.
That's all for now.
You guys are phenomenal.
You're amazing.
(37:19):
Keep pushing.
Life's hard, but you're moreimpressive, honestly, than life.
All right, guys.
Love you all.
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