November 9, 2025 • 31 mins
When life leaves you second-guessing yourself, how do you rebuild trust with the one person you need most—you? In this soul-nourishing episode of Shift Happens with Shay, we explore what it means to come home to yourself after seasons of burnout, betrayal, or emotional abandonment.
We’ll unpack the quiet power of self-trust, how it gets broken (especially for women constantly showing up for others), and what it takes to rebuild it—gently and without shame.
✨ Topics we explore:
Why self-trust is a form of inner safety
How emotional gaslighting and burnout erode our inner compass
Daily practices to rebuild trust with your body and boundaries
Soft affirmations and journal reflections to anchor your healing
You’re not too much. You’re not broken. You are worthy of trusting yourself again.
Tune in, exhale, and let’s reclaim the quiet power of coming back to you.
🦋 Connect with Shay on Instagram: @shifthappenswithshay
Continue the conversation with Shay on her Instagram, Facebook page, Youtube, website, and linkedIn! You can also email Shay at shay@shifthappenswithshay.com if you are looking for insight about your life, send your stories, or request topics you would like to address.
Please note this podcast is not a substitution for therapy, if you require assistance with exploring trauma, deeper relationship issues, or more please reach out to establish care.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey there and welcome to ShiftHappens with Shay.
I'm Shay, your host and licensedmarriage and family therapist.
This podcast is where we diveinto all the shift life throws
our way, whether it'srelationships, mental health,
personal growth, or justfiguring out this crazy journey
of adulting here.
We're all about honestconversation, real stories, and
a whole lot of laughs as wetackle life's challenges
(00:22):
together.
This is your space to grow,explore, and feel seen.
So grab a cozy spot, maybe a cupof coffee or wine, and let's get
ready to shift through it all.
Thanks for tuning in, andremember, no matter what life
brings us, we're in thistogether.
Shay (00:38):
Hi, beautiful and welcome back to another episode of Shift
Happens with Shay.
I'm so glad you're here,especially for today's
conversation, and I'm gonnapause that by saying I know it's
been a hot minute since I'vejumped on the mic and spoken
with you ladies and dived intosome good soul nourishing
(01:00):
content.
I'm sorry for being away, butthen also not sorry for taking
care of myself.
I did go away for a little bitlast month.
I was in Taiwan with myboyfriend and it was absolutely
stunning out there.
I had the best time justdisconnecting, unplugging, and
(01:21):
just being tuned into mysurroundings.
It was a beautiful trip.
I love the mountains.
I love temples.
I love learning about history.
I love understanding decor.
I love just.
Being in other cultures andseeing similarities in your own
culture with others or justunderstanding other people.
(01:42):
And this did make me feel a bitcloser to my boyfriend and his
family since he is Taiwanese.
And I also got to eat my tan.
Yes, yes.
I could have made that at home,but who's got time to just be
making sugared fruit at home?
It's not me.
So yeah, that's where I was justtaking care of me and attuning
(02:02):
to myself, and also managingsome medical health needs.
I do have some upcomingappointments and things going on
with me.
I am okay though.
Just to give you somereassurance.
I am okay.
I'm just taking the steps tomake sure there isn't any other
surprises.
As you guys already know, I ammanaging my Hashimoto's.
(02:23):
I already have an autoimmunedisease, you know, already with
that or disorder.
So we're just making sure thatnothing else is here to hinder
my ability to continue to be mein your lives, you know?
And in my.
Family lives and in my family'slife.
So without further ado, I'm gladyou're back with me for today's
(02:46):
conversation because this one isfrom my listeners who have been
holding it down for everyoneelse.
You know who you are and you arenow realizing they're not sure.
You are not sure if you cantrust yourself, and that's a
problem.
That could be whether it'sbecause of heartbreak.
(03:07):
Burnout, betrayal, or simplyyears of self abandonment.
Today, I wanna remind you, yourinner voice is still here and it
is still worth listening to.
Let's get into it, whatself-trust really means.
(03:27):
Let's start by defining that andnot the Pinterest version or the
little collages of like, this iswhat you should do.
No, but the real one.
Self-trust isn't about alwaysgetting it right.
It's not about being confidentall the time or having
everything figured out becausefrankly, confidence is learned
over time.
(03:47):
We are not confident until we'redoing something over and over
again when we're all, when we'reafraid and feeling incapable or
feeling inadequate, we findconfident later.
Self-trust, however, is aboutinner safety.
It's the quiet belief that youcan rely on yourself.
Not to avoid every mistake, butto come back to yourself when
(04:11):
life gets messy self-trustsounds like this.
I'm allowed to say no withoutexplaining.
I believe myself even when noone else does.
I can rest.
Without earning it.
(04:34):
Do you say that to yourself?
Do you have self-trust rightnow?
This is self-trust.
That is your safety.
That is you coming home toyourself.
That is your foundation of you.
Safety is an in perfectionismand being real as a woman.
(04:58):
Especially women of color, weare not taught this.
We are often taught to overrideour truth, to keep peace, meet
expectations, or stay safe.
We know that so well, right?
(05:19):
When you have to choose againstyourself, your better judgment,
your intuition, that isscreaming out freedom and
liberation.
But you want to keep the peace.
You want to meet everybody'sstandard, and you want to be
safe.
Especially in a time like todayof what we're living in, it's
(05:41):
hard to override the need towanna be safe, but.
You're not safe if you'reconstantly going against
yourself.
If you can't rely on yourself,how can you ever truly be safe?
How could you ever truly feelcomfortable?
Okay, and at peace with anythingin your life if you have no
(06:05):
peace with yourself?
So again, self-trust is aboutinner safety, not confidence.
Throw that out.
We are here to listen toourselves or at least relearn
our voices because that's whatself-trust really is.
So what breaks our self-trust?
(06:27):
Betrayal, as I mentioned,emotional gaslighting, people
pleasing, and burnout.
Starting with betrayal.
This could be from a partner,this can be from a parent.
This can even be from yourself.
When you are constantly tellingyourself that you're gonna go do
something, you're gonna followthrough with that idea.
You're gonna give yourself rest.
(06:48):
You're gonna start pouring intoyourself.
You started another New Year'sresolution, whatever it may be,
betrayal.
When you do not follow throughon your word for yourself, that
will break any type of trustwith yourself because your mind
will start to rewire itselfsubconsciously without you even
(07:10):
realizing it becomes a norm tonot trust you, to start
doubting, to start giving thoseinner critic thoughts, they
start getting louder.
You start feeling incompetent orincapable.
You start really doubtingyourself in all aspects.
Suspect that you have all thequalifications.
Same thing happens from family,our partners, our friends.
(07:34):
This breaks self-trust becausewe've invested in these people
and we might pretty much tellthem something that's on our
mind and on our hearts.
We've been vulnerable with thesepeople and they use that
vulnerability against us, andinstead of us being upset with
them for violating our trust, weare upset at ourselves because
(07:55):
we start feeling smallersometimes.
This is not deliberate.
From our family and friends orour significant others.
Sometimes it's not.
Sometimes it's not malicious,but it still hurts sometimes.
Unfortunately, it is maliciousand these are the people you
need to break away from becausethey're here to break your sense
(08:18):
of self.
You need space from them people,and if you're able to get'em
out.
Next one.
Emotional gaslighting.
Being told your feelings are toomuch.
Too dramatic.
And we've talked about sittingwith our emotions and honoring
our emotions because that isstrength.
To be able to be vulnerable is astrength.
(08:41):
But people will try and tell youthat because you feel too much
or because you have emotionalattunement, that you're too
dramatic.
And this starts making youquestion the way you express
yourself, pretty much how youpresent to the world.
We start believing those voicesor these people long enough, we
start to truly minimize ourfeelings and our thoughts
(09:03):
because we start thinkingthey're too much, when truly
they're not.
The way you express yourself isbeautiful as long as it's not
aggressive.
There are healthy ways of ourexpressing ourselves, but
remember, emotions are neithergood nor bad.
There are traffic lights.
They are our signs to let usknow where we currently at.
(09:23):
They are not too much and theyare not too dramatic.
People pleasing when your workdepends on how useful you are.
We've talked a little bit aboutthis in our re-parenting
episode.
That is that inner child wound,people pleasing, the caregiver
archetype.
That's the one who wasn't seen,and you start people pleasing
(09:46):
because you want to belong.
You no longer wanna beinvisible, and you start to feel
like, if I can't give myself orI don't have any value, if I'm
not able to do something forthat person, then they're not
gonna love me.
They're not gonna want me.
But when you people, please,you're not pleasing yourself.
(10:07):
You go home drained, you gohome, defeated it.
You go home with a self-esteemunderneath the ground.
You don't feel confident inanything about yourself because
you need the validation ofothers and validating yourself.
Anytime you try to tell yourselfsomething nice, you feel it's a
lie or you shy away from it,that kills self-trust.
(10:34):
Burnout when your body saysenough, but you keep pushing
through.
We're not listening to ourphysical signs.
We're not literally listening toour body tell us, I need a rest.
I need a break.
I just need comfort.
I need rejuvenation.
(10:54):
I want a restart.
And we keep saying, no, wehaven't done enough to earn
that.
We have to keep going because ifI don't keep going, then what?
What does that mean about me?
What else is there to me?
No.
I have to keep working hard.
I have to get to the nextgoalpost.
(11:15):
Burnout leads to self-trustbeing broken because you aren't
listening to your own physical,emotional, mental, or even
spiritual needs.
Who are you burning out for?
Hmm.
Let's take a moment.
(11:35):
Just take a breath with me.
Because those are some heavythings there, and I'm sure as I
explained some of them, you havethought about a time where
you've engaged in some of thesebehaviors or felt these
experiences.
You probably are thinking aboutan interaction, maybe it was
(11:56):
even recently.
This isn't meant as always foryou to shame yourself or for you
to think that you're a badperson.
We're learning to break freefrom these chains.
We're learning to trustourselves again.
So it starts with awareness, andlet's start here.
(12:17):
Where did you first learn thatyour intuition wasn't
trustworthy?
That's not an easy question, butit is where healing begins.
Because if we could startuncovering.
The moment, the people, thephrases, the words that kept
(12:39):
replaying to us in our lives,that told us our intuition, our
thought, our experience wasn'ttrustworthy, that we were not
worthy of trusting ourselves.
We can truly begin to unravelthose thoughts, those actions,
those memories, those feelings.
(13:01):
Start to find ourselves again.
Start to find our voice again.
Our heart, our mind, our spirit,our soul.
Start to find that goddesswithin you again, healing begins
here.
So take that moment.
If you're not in a car, goahead, break out the journal,
write it out, go ahead and getto work.
(13:24):
You know, I love me, someself-discovery work, girl, but
yeah.
Where did you first learn thatyour intuition wasn't
trustworthy?
What does rebuilding actuallylook like?
Right?
Everybody always says, just goout and do it.
Go ahead and just.
(13:45):
Be you, be strong, be soft, butno one is actually telling us
how to start being soft.
Where is that a spa, is that amassage?
I don't know.
Is that a movie?
Is that me Sleeping more?
Don't worry.
I got a few things here to helpyou start that off and then
(14:06):
eventually you will razzle,dazzle it with a little bit of
you and make it personal foryou.
Okay.
So when we wanna rebuild, wewanna start small, and that can
look like keeping a promise toyourself every day, such as, I
promise I'm going to drink waterinstead of ordering soda when I
(14:30):
go out.
I'm going to go to bed on timebecause I deserve rest.
I deserve to feel rejuvenatedwhen I wake up to start my day.
I'm going to keep that boundarythat I've had difficulties
doing.
And you know what?
I'm not the type to say startwith the hardest boundary.
(14:50):
Start with a boundary that youare okay with implementing.
And I say, okay, more of likeyour yellow ones because we have
the ones that we're very adverseto work up to that boundary, the
one you've been violating for solong.
Work up to that one.
Start small.
(15:10):
Keep the small boundaries.
Be consistent so you can move onto the boundaries that are a
little bit harder for you orthat you felt you've had
difficulties keeping up with.
Okay?
Small agreements create safety.
When we see ourselves beingconsistent to the promises we
make for ourselves every day, weare building that voice back up,
(15:34):
listening to our intuition,allowing her to be loud again,
allowing her to be in existence,presence heard.
She is a part of us.
We are reintegrating.
So start small.
It does not have to be grand.
We're trying not to overwhelmourselves.
And also, we don't wanna starttoo big because then if you
(15:57):
don't do it or you mess up,shame and guilt comes in.
See, I knew I wasn't worth it.
I knew I didn't really careabout myself.
Oh, this is so stupid.
Why did I think I was worthy ofthis?
Any old other kind of things youcould tell yourself, if we fail,
we get back up.
We learn success from ourfailures'cause that's how we're
allowed and able to changethings.
(16:20):
Start small, my dear.
Okay, second one.
Honor your no.
Honor your no.
Even when it's inconvenient.
And let me tell you, when you'refirst honoring your, no,
everything feels inconvenient.
It feels inconvenient to say noto every single thing because
(16:41):
you are going to faceresistance.
You will see people's, like thecorner of their mouth starts to
twitch a little bit.
The brow move.
They start to feel a littlelike, who does she think she is?
Telling me, no, you're allowedto inconvenience them.
They've been inconvenient.
Inconvenient.
You.
This whole time, your time, yourspace, your mind, your heart,
(17:04):
they've been taking from you,you can take back for yourself.
So honor your know when it'sinconvenient, especially when it
feels unfamiliar.
We are learning andreacquainting ourselves with
something we've left behind ordidn't get a chance to nourish
or build because others didn'ttell us that it was okay to use
(17:27):
our nose.
Every time you honor your no,your nervous system learns that
you've got your own back.
Your nervous system starts totrust you.
It doesn't go against you.
That anxiety starts to lessen.
We start to feel more safe.
That no becomes more resound.
(17:49):
It becomes more confident andfirm when it comes out.
And let me tell you, once you'regood at saying no, it'll be so
easy.
You'll be quick at saying no tothings you don't like.
Be so quick that you'll be like,dang, you didn't even gimme a
chance to finish the request.
Nothing wrong with that.
You might get a little bit tooNo happy as you get comfortable
(18:09):
with your no.
But remember, our no is notmeant to form a barrier around
us.
We're not doing that.
We're our nos are here to trulyprotect our energy so that we
can invest time and energy intothings and people we truly wanna
spend our time with.
(18:30):
Because remember having acommunity is the price for a
community is inconvenience.
Okay?
But at this moment, practiceyour nose because if you're
uncomfortable with nose, I ain'teven worried about that at this
point.
Those who matter, don't mind,and those who mind don't matter,
right?
That what Dr.
Seuss said, right?
(18:51):
So again, even when it'sinconvenient, do it.
Do it when it feels unfamiliar.
Do it with your anxiety high.
We need to build our distresstolerance anyways.
We have to work through itbecause you're worth it.
Third, track your inner knowing.
(19:14):
Create an I knew it journal,something like that.
You can name anything else ifyou want, but in this journal,
every time your intuition wasright.
Write it down because this willbuild evidence for ourselves.
This shows us, we get to lookback and see data that shows our
trust building.
(19:34):
It shows that we do know whatwe're doing.
We know what we're thinking.
We know what we're feeling.
You knew it.
You always knew it, and youdidn't need someone else to
figure it out.
You knew it deep down.
You trust yourself.
Something didn't feel right,something fell off, or, oh man,
this project feels like this isthe right way to go.
This is the path for me, or Idon't even know, but it just
(19:57):
feels right.
Everything's falling into place.
I'm gonna go for it.
Trust.
Your trust will build throughthe evidence, because now there
we go.
We're telling the nervous systemand is continuing to learn.
Woo, I do know what I'm doing.
I'm starting to instead feel.
Scared.
I'm feeling excited.
(20:18):
I'm feeling elated.
These feelings may feel similar.
The body's reaction to anxiety,doubt, fear sometimes.
But that is you getting excited.
Your nervous system's oh yeah,fuck yeah, I knew it.
This is us knowing who we areand it feels so good to come
back home.
Trek your inner knowing, becausewhen you start doubting
(20:39):
yourself, or those times orthose days that are hard.
You'll be able to open your Iknew it journal and be like,
okay, so I was wrong about thisone thing, but I've been right
about so many other things.
I may have not known somethingabout this, but that doesn't
mean I'm incapable and thatdoesn't mean I don't know what
I'm talking about.
(21:00):
Okay, and last, I'll alwaysadvocate for this rest without
guilt for me.
Rest is super important.
My energy doesn't work where Ican be like a machine or a
generator where it just goes,goes, goes.
My energy is already a certainamount in the day, and I have to
(21:24):
use it accordingly.
I have to do things that arealigned with me because when I'm
not in alignment with my ownenergy, things go wrong.
I feel more stressed, I feelirritable, and that burnout
comes.
Rest, learn that rest is not areward.
(21:44):
It is a requirement.
Your softness is sacred.
Honor it.
You are allowed rest.
You don't have to perform tofeel loved.
To be loved and to exists.
(22:04):
You do not have to always bedoing for others, do for
yourself.
Give yourself that time torejuvenate.
Give that time to yourself torecalibrate.
Give that time to your softness.
This is the time where we honorourselves, and here is a lovely
(22:27):
affirmation for you.
I am allowed to move at the paceof safety.
My inner voice is worthy of mytrust.
I am allowed to move at the paceof safety.
My inner voice is worthy of mytrust.
(22:53):
Yeah, it is worthy of my trust.
So we're doing all these fourthings, these four steps of ways
to rebuild our self trust andhealing is in the return.
That's what I mentioned.
You don't need to be fullyhealed to trust yourself.
(23:14):
Again, that is not the purposebecause healing is ongoing.
It is a journey.
It did not take a month or a dayor a week.
To get you to the mindset thatyou were at at the beginning of
this episode.
It took numerous experiences,numerous voices, people in your
(23:39):
life to get your mindset to theway that it is now, these lived
experiences that you had.
So, it's okay.
It's okay.
You are still gonna find you andfind your voice and get trust
back and be that version of youwho is a badass without being
(23:59):
quote unquote, fully healed.
I don't know a fully healedperson.
I don't even know what thatmeans.
All I know is that you're makingprogress if you are a better
healed version of yourself thanwhen you started your healing
journey.
Progress.
Progress is healing.
You don't have to feel brave totake a baby step.
(24:21):
Do it afraid.
Do it anxious, do it sad.
Do it unknowingly.
Do it despite all of the otherfeelings, because that's where
bravery comes from.
You taking the step that'sbravery.
You did it despite your fears.
You did it despite your doubts.
You did it despite thenaysayers.
(24:43):
You did it despite nervousness.
Bravery comes after you take thestep, not before.
Every time you check in withyour body, every time you
choose.
Peace over proving yourself.
Every time you listen to thatinner whisper, even if you can't
(25:10):
explain it, you are rebuilding.
Self-trust.
That's not selfish.
That's sacred.
You're doing it, and I'm soproud of you for doing it, for
taking the steps, and I hopeyou're proud of yourself.
(25:33):
I hope that as you are returningto yourself.
Rediscovering yourself becauselet me tell you, she was always
within you.
I always keep telling you guysthat we are not creating anybody
new.
We are bringing out the person,the goddess, the queen within
you who's been ready to comeout.
She was always within you.
You always had the capability ofbeing her, of being that girl
(25:58):
you were always her and you willcontinue to be her.
Now it's time to let her be outhere.
Okay?
So before we close, I want us toreflect on this.
What would it look like toparent yourself through this
(26:18):
season, not punish yourself?
What would it look like toparent yourself instead of
punishing yourself through thisseason?
Let's take the last two monthsof 2026 to parent ourselves.
To be gentle with ourselves, toallow ourselves to make mistakes
(26:40):
and not shun ourselves for thosemistakes.
Let's take the last remainingtime of this year so that we can
go into 2026 our cup more fullthan when we, entered 2025.
Let's, it's already taken a lotfrom us.
(27:00):
This year has been so crazy, andI'm sure each of you have been
going through your own battles.
So let your healing be gentle,let your progress be soft, and
if you need a reminder, I gotyour boo.
Come back to this space anytime.
I'm always here to support you.
(27:24):
And you know where you can reachme.
You can reach me on ig.
You can email me at, Shay atshift happens with shay.com.
You can reach out to me onLinkedIn.
If you find me on there.
I'm happy to be here whereveryou need.
I'm here for you.
Okay.
(27:45):
So with that being said, I dowanna continue this growth for
us so that you can continue tolive out that returning to you.
It's not selfish, it's sacred.
I.
We'll be hosting an eventDecember 6th at 11:00 AM Eastern
Standard Time.
It is a Saturday.
(28:05):
I will be hosting my coming toYour Soft Era event and I hope
to see you ladies there.
Yes, I really enjoy, like, Ireally enjoy.
These moments.
I enjoy making space for youladies, and I really wanna see
(28:29):
you there.
I want to help you succeed inyour healing, whether I'm your
therapist, whether I'm doing itthrough a workshop facilitating
area, as a facilitator, I wannabe here to help you through your
journey.
Definitely join me on December6th, because we're gonna get
(28:50):
into it more about softness andwhat softness means to us, what
our soft era looks like.
We're gonna talk about some ofthe things such as like
emotional labor.
I have an episode on that wherewe talked about that, but we're
gonna dive into that morebecause coming home to your soft
era, we are reflecting on ouryear and we are bringing our
vision of ourselves.
(29:12):
Self that we know who's withinus to life.
This workshop, it's gonna be anhour and a half, so it's 11 to
1230.
It will be through Zoom soanybody can join.
But I am limiting the space to15 women to preserve intimacy
and that I want this to be avery soulful, experience for
(29:34):
you.
It is to nourish you.
It is to soften you, and it isto reclaim yourself before the
new year.
You don't have to start newyear, new me.
You can reclaim yourself in 2025before the year ends, and we
could do it together.
Okay?
We're gonna release what?
2025 demanded of you.
(29:55):
We're gonna step into 2026 withsoftness, intention, and rest.
No, this is not a productivitymasterclass.
Nothing like that.
Or like I said, a New Year'sResolution bootcamp.
I don't believe in the alwayshaving to come up with a
resolution.
You just need to reclaimyourself.
So if you are feeling burnt out,emotionally overextended, or
(30:18):
just simply tired of holding itall, this workshop is your
invitation to slow down, soften,and start again.
Okay.
So hope to see you guys there.
If you are interested in joiningthat, you can find the event at
RSVP at shift happens withShay.com under my event tab.
(30:40):
You could get started there ifyou haven't already, you can
subscribe to my newsletter.
All of it will be there for youto see.
You can sign up that way.
I mean, you'll see it on myLinkedIn page, you'll see it on
my Instagram.
You'll see the link on Facebook,wherever you see me, YouTube,
(31:01):
whatnot.
I will have the link there, butthe event is on my website.
All right, ladies, don't forgetto subscribe.
Leave a review, share thisepisode with a friend who's
rebuilding trust in herself.
I hope to see you guys December6th, and I'm so excited to be
back.
I can't wait.
I can't wait to be with you guysagain.
(31:24):
Remember, you're not alone.
I adore you, love you all.
You are becoming continue to begreat.
Oh, that Goddess is justdeserves so much love and I'm
happy for her.
All right, boo.
Bye.
Hey there and welcome to ShiftHappens with Shay.
I'm Shay, your host and licensedmarriage and family therapist.
This podcast is where we diveinto all the shift life throws
our way, whether it'srelationships, mental health,
personal growth, or justfiguring out this crazy journey
of adulting here.
We're all about honestconversation, real stories, and
a whole lot of laughs as wetackle life's challenges
(00:22):
together.
This is your space to grow,explore, and feel seen.
So grab a cozy spot, maybe a cupof coffee or wine, and let's get
ready to shift through it all.
Thanks for tuning in, andremember, no matter what life
brings us, we're in thistogether.
Shay (00:38):
Hi, beautiful and welcome back to another episode of Shift
Happens with Shay.
I'm so glad you're here,especially for today's
conversation, and I'm gonnapause that by saying I know it's
been a hot minute since I'vejumped on the mic and spoken
with you ladies and dived intosome good soul nourishing
(01:00):
content.
I'm sorry for being away, butthen also not sorry for taking
care of myself.
I did go away for a little bitlast month.
I was in Taiwan with myboyfriend and it was absolutely
stunning out there.
I had the best time justdisconnecting, unplugging, and
(01:21):
just being tuned into mysurroundings.
It was a beautiful trip.
I love the mountains.
I love temples.
I love learning about history.
I love understanding decor.
I love just.
Being in other cultures andseeing similarities in your own
culture with others or justunderstanding other people.
(01:42):
And this did make me feel a bitcloser to my boyfriend and his
family since he is Taiwanese.
And I also got to eat my tan.
Yes, yes.
I could have made that at home,but who's got time to just be
making sugared fruit at home?
It's not me.
So yeah, that's where I was justtaking care of me and attuning
(02:02):
to myself, and also managingsome medical health needs.
I do have some upcomingappointments and things going on
with me.
I am okay though.
Just to give you somereassurance.
I am okay.
I'm just taking the steps tomake sure there isn't any other
surprises.
As you guys already know, I ammanaging my Hashimoto's.
(02:23):
I already have an autoimmunedisease, you know, already with
that or disorder.
So we're just making sure thatnothing else is here to hinder
my ability to continue to be mein your lives, you know?
And in my.
Family lives and in my family'slife.
So without further ado, I'm gladyou're back with me for today's
(02:46):
conversation because this one isfrom my listeners who have been
holding it down for everyoneelse.
You know who you are and you arenow realizing they're not sure.
You are not sure if you cantrust yourself, and that's a
problem.
That could be whether it'sbecause of heartbreak.
(03:07):
Burnout, betrayal, or simplyyears of self abandonment.
Today, I wanna remind you, yourinner voice is still here and it
is still worth listening to.
Let's get into it, whatself-trust really means.
(03:27):
Let's start by defining that andnot the Pinterest version or the
little collages of like, this iswhat you should do.
No, but the real one.
Self-trust isn't about alwaysgetting it right.
It's not about being confidentall the time or having
everything figured out becausefrankly, confidence is learned
over time.
(03:47):
We are not confident until we'redoing something over and over
again when we're all, when we'reafraid and feeling incapable or
feeling inadequate, we findconfident later.
Self-trust, however, is aboutinner safety.
It's the quiet belief that youcan rely on yourself.
Not to avoid every mistake, butto come back to yourself when
(04:11):
life gets messy self-trustsounds like this.
I'm allowed to say no withoutexplaining.
I believe myself even when noone else does.
I can rest.
Without earning it.
(04:34):
Do you say that to yourself?
Do you have self-trust rightnow?
This is self-trust.
That is your safety.
That is you coming home toyourself.
That is your foundation of you.
Safety is an in perfectionismand being real as a woman.
(04:58):
Especially women of color, weare not taught this.
We are often taught to overrideour truth, to keep peace, meet
expectations, or stay safe.
We know that so well, right?
(05:19):
When you have to choose againstyourself, your better judgment,
your intuition, that isscreaming out freedom and
liberation.
But you want to keep the peace.
You want to meet everybody'sstandard, and you want to be
safe.
Especially in a time like todayof what we're living in, it's
(05:41):
hard to override the need towanna be safe, but.
You're not safe if you'reconstantly going against
yourself.
If you can't rely on yourself,how can you ever truly be safe?
How could you ever truly feelcomfortable?
Okay, and at peace with anythingin your life if you have no
(06:05):
peace with yourself?
So again, self-trust is aboutinner safety, not confidence.
Throw that out.
We are here to listen toourselves or at least relearn
our voices because that's whatself-trust really is.
So what breaks our self-trust?
(06:27):
Betrayal, as I mentioned,emotional gaslighting, people
pleasing, and burnout.
Starting with betrayal.
This could be from a partner,this can be from a parent.
This can even be from yourself.
When you are constantly tellingyourself that you're gonna go do
something, you're gonna followthrough with that idea.
You're gonna give yourself rest.
(06:48):
You're gonna start pouring intoyourself.
You started another New Year'sresolution, whatever it may be,
betrayal.
When you do not follow throughon your word for yourself, that
will break any type of trustwith yourself because your mind
will start to rewire itselfsubconsciously without you even
(07:10):
realizing it becomes a norm tonot trust you, to start
doubting, to start giving thoseinner critic thoughts, they
start getting louder.
You start feeling incompetent orincapable.
You start really doubtingyourself in all aspects.
Suspect that you have all thequalifications.
Same thing happens from family,our partners, our friends.
(07:34):
This breaks self-trust becausewe've invested in these people
and we might pretty much tellthem something that's on our
mind and on our hearts.
We've been vulnerable with thesepeople and they use that
vulnerability against us, andinstead of us being upset with
them for violating our trust, weare upset at ourselves because
(07:55):
we start feeling smallersometimes.
This is not deliberate.
From our family and friends orour significant others.
Sometimes it's not.
Sometimes it's not malicious,but it still hurts sometimes.
Unfortunately, it is maliciousand these are the people you
need to break away from becausethey're here to break your sense
(08:18):
of self.
You need space from them people,and if you're able to get'em
out.
Next one.
Emotional gaslighting.
Being told your feelings are toomuch.
Too dramatic.
And we've talked about sittingwith our emotions and honoring
our emotions because that isstrength.
To be able to be vulnerable is astrength.
(08:41):
But people will try and tell youthat because you feel too much
or because you have emotionalattunement, that you're too
dramatic.
And this starts making youquestion the way you express
yourself, pretty much how youpresent to the world.
We start believing those voicesor these people long enough, we
start to truly minimize ourfeelings and our thoughts
(09:03):
because we start thinkingthey're too much, when truly
they're not.
The way you express yourself isbeautiful as long as it's not
aggressive.
There are healthy ways of ourexpressing ourselves, but
remember, emotions are neithergood nor bad.
There are traffic lights.
They are our signs to let usknow where we currently at.
(09:23):
They are not too much and theyare not too dramatic.
People pleasing when your workdepends on how useful you are.
We've talked a little bit aboutthis in our re-parenting
episode.
That is that inner child wound,people pleasing, the caregiver
archetype.
That's the one who wasn't seen,and you start people pleasing
(09:46):
because you want to belong.
You no longer wanna beinvisible, and you start to feel
like, if I can't give myself orI don't have any value, if I'm
not able to do something forthat person, then they're not
gonna love me.
They're not gonna want me.
But when you people, please,you're not pleasing yourself.
(10:07):
You go home drained, you gohome, defeated it.
You go home with a self-esteemunderneath the ground.
You don't feel confident inanything about yourself because
you need the validation ofothers and validating yourself.
Anytime you try to tell yourselfsomething nice, you feel it's a
lie or you shy away from it,that kills self-trust.
(10:34):
Burnout when your body saysenough, but you keep pushing
through.
We're not listening to ourphysical signs.
We're not literally listening toour body tell us, I need a rest.
I need a break.
I just need comfort.
I need rejuvenation.
(10:54):
I want a restart.
And we keep saying, no, wehaven't done enough to earn
that.
We have to keep going because ifI don't keep going, then what?
What does that mean about me?
What else is there to me?
No.
I have to keep working hard.
I have to get to the nextgoalpost.
(11:15):
Burnout leads to self-trustbeing broken because you aren't
listening to your own physical,emotional, mental, or even
spiritual needs.
Who are you burning out for?
Hmm.
Let's take a moment.
(11:35):
Just take a breath with me.
Because those are some heavythings there, and I'm sure as I
explained some of them, you havethought about a time where
you've engaged in some of thesebehaviors or felt these
experiences.
You probably are thinking aboutan interaction, maybe it was
(11:56):
even recently.
This isn't meant as always foryou to shame yourself or for you
to think that you're a badperson.
We're learning to break freefrom these chains.
We're learning to trustourselves again.
So it starts with awareness, andlet's start here.
(12:17):
Where did you first learn thatyour intuition wasn't
trustworthy?
That's not an easy question, butit is where healing begins.
Because if we could startuncovering.
The moment, the people, thephrases, the words that kept
(12:39):
replaying to us in our lives,that told us our intuition, our
thought, our experience wasn'ttrustworthy, that we were not
worthy of trusting ourselves.
We can truly begin to unravelthose thoughts, those actions,
those memories, those feelings.
(13:01):
Start to find ourselves again.
Start to find our voice again.
Our heart, our mind, our spirit,our soul.
Start to find that goddesswithin you again, healing begins
here.
So take that moment.
If you're not in a car, goahead, break out the journal,
write it out, go ahead and getto work.
(13:24):
You know, I love me, someself-discovery work, girl, but
yeah.
Where did you first learn thatyour intuition wasn't
trustworthy?
What does rebuilding actuallylook like?
Right?
Everybody always says, just goout and do it.
Go ahead and just.
(13:45):
Be you, be strong, be soft, butno one is actually telling us
how to start being soft.
Where is that a spa, is that amassage?
I don't know.
Is that a movie?
Is that me Sleeping more?
Don't worry.
I got a few things here to helpyou start that off and then
(14:06):
eventually you will razzle,dazzle it with a little bit of
you and make it personal foryou.
Okay.
So when we wanna rebuild, wewanna start small, and that can
look like keeping a promise toyourself every day, such as, I
promise I'm going to drink waterinstead of ordering soda when I
(14:30):
go out.
I'm going to go to bed on timebecause I deserve rest.
I deserve to feel rejuvenatedwhen I wake up to start my day.
I'm going to keep that boundarythat I've had difficulties
doing.
And you know what?
I'm not the type to say startwith the hardest boundary.
(14:50):
Start with a boundary that youare okay with implementing.
And I say, okay, more of likeyour yellow ones because we have
the ones that we're very adverseto work up to that boundary, the
one you've been violating for solong.
Work up to that one.
Start small.
(15:10):
Keep the small boundaries.
Be consistent so you can move onto the boundaries that are a
little bit harder for you orthat you felt you've had
difficulties keeping up with.
Okay?
Small agreements create safety.
When we see ourselves beingconsistent to the promises we
make for ourselves every day, weare building that voice back up,
(15:34):
listening to our intuition,allowing her to be loud again,
allowing her to be in existence,presence heard.
She is a part of us.
We are reintegrating.
So start small.
It does not have to be grand.
We're trying not to overwhelmourselves.
And also, we don't wanna starttoo big because then if you
(15:57):
don't do it or you mess up,shame and guilt comes in.
See, I knew I wasn't worth it.
I knew I didn't really careabout myself.
Oh, this is so stupid.
Why did I think I was worthy ofthis?
Any old other kind of things youcould tell yourself, if we fail,
we get back up.
We learn success from ourfailures'cause that's how we're
allowed and able to changethings.
(16:20):
Start small, my dear.
Okay, second one.
Honor your no.
Honor your no.
Even when it's inconvenient.
And let me tell you, when you'refirst honoring your, no,
everything feels inconvenient.
It feels inconvenient to say noto every single thing because
(16:41):
you are going to faceresistance.
You will see people's, like thecorner of their mouth starts to
twitch a little bit.
The brow move.
They start to feel a littlelike, who does she think she is?
Telling me, no, you're allowedto inconvenience them.
They've been inconvenient.
Inconvenient.
You.
This whole time, your time, yourspace, your mind, your heart,
(17:04):
they've been taking from you,you can take back for yourself.
So honor your know when it'sinconvenient, especially when it
feels unfamiliar.
We are learning andreacquainting ourselves with
something we've left behind ordidn't get a chance to nourish
or build because others didn'ttell us that it was okay to use
(17:27):
our nose.
Every time you honor your no,your nervous system learns that
you've got your own back.
Your nervous system starts totrust you.
It doesn't go against you.
That anxiety starts to lessen.
We start to feel more safe.
That no becomes more resound.
(17:49):
It becomes more confident andfirm when it comes out.
And let me tell you, once you'regood at saying no, it'll be so
easy.
You'll be quick at saying no tothings you don't like.
Be so quick that you'll be like,dang, you didn't even gimme a
chance to finish the request.
Nothing wrong with that.
You might get a little bit tooNo happy as you get comfortable
(18:09):
with your no.
But remember, our no is notmeant to form a barrier around
us.
We're not doing that.
We're our nos are here to trulyprotect our energy so that we
can invest time and energy intothings and people we truly wanna
spend our time with.
(18:30):
Because remember having acommunity is the price for a
community is inconvenience.
Okay?
But at this moment, practiceyour nose because if you're
uncomfortable with nose, I ain'teven worried about that at this
point.
Those who matter, don't mind,and those who mind don't matter,
right?
That what Dr.
Seuss said, right?
(18:51):
So again, even when it'sinconvenient, do it.
Do it when it feels unfamiliar.
Do it with your anxiety high.
We need to build our distresstolerance anyways.
We have to work through itbecause you're worth it.
Third, track your inner knowing.
(19:14):
Create an I knew it journal,something like that.
You can name anything else ifyou want, but in this journal,
every time your intuition wasright.
Write it down because this willbuild evidence for ourselves.
This shows us, we get to lookback and see data that shows our
trust building.
(19:34):
It shows that we do know whatwe're doing.
We know what we're thinking.
We know what we're feeling.
You knew it.
You always knew it, and youdidn't need someone else to
figure it out.
You knew it deep down.
You trust yourself.
Something didn't feel right,something fell off, or, oh man,
this project feels like this isthe right way to go.
This is the path for me, or Idon't even know, but it just
(19:57):
feels right.
Everything's falling into place.
I'm gonna go for it.
Trust.
Your trust will build throughthe evidence, because now there
we go.
We're telling the nervous systemand is continuing to learn.
Woo, I do know what I'm doing.
I'm starting to instead feel.
Scared.
I'm feeling excited.
(20:18):
I'm feeling elated.
These feelings may feel similar.
The body's reaction to anxiety,doubt, fear sometimes.
But that is you getting excited.
Your nervous system's oh yeah,fuck yeah, I knew it.
This is us knowing who we areand it feels so good to come
back home.
Trek your inner knowing, becausewhen you start doubting
(20:39):
yourself, or those times orthose days that are hard.
You'll be able to open your Iknew it journal and be like,
okay, so I was wrong about thisone thing, but I've been right
about so many other things.
I may have not known somethingabout this, but that doesn't
mean I'm incapable and thatdoesn't mean I don't know what
I'm talking about.
(21:00):
Okay, and last, I'll alwaysadvocate for this rest without
guilt for me.
Rest is super important.
My energy doesn't work where Ican be like a machine or a
generator where it just goes,goes, goes.
My energy is already a certainamount in the day, and I have to
(21:24):
use it accordingly.
I have to do things that arealigned with me because when I'm
not in alignment with my ownenergy, things go wrong.
I feel more stressed, I feelirritable, and that burnout
comes.
Rest, learn that rest is not areward.
(21:44):
It is a requirement.
Your softness is sacred.
Honor it.
You are allowed rest.
You don't have to perform tofeel loved.
To be loved and to exists.
(22:04):
You do not have to always bedoing for others, do for
yourself.
Give yourself that time torejuvenate.
Give that time to yourself torecalibrate.
Give that time to your softness.
This is the time where we honorourselves, and here is a lovely
(22:27):
affirmation for you.
I am allowed to move at the paceof safety.
My inner voice is worthy of mytrust.
I am allowed to move at the paceof safety.
My inner voice is worthy of mytrust.
(22:53):
Yeah, it is worthy of my trust.
So we're doing all these fourthings, these four steps of ways
to rebuild our self trust andhealing is in the return.
That's what I mentioned.
You don't need to be fullyhealed to trust yourself.
(23:14):
Again, that is not the purposebecause healing is ongoing.
It is a journey.
It did not take a month or a dayor a week.
To get you to the mindset thatyou were at at the beginning of
this episode.
It took numerous experiences,numerous voices, people in your
(23:39):
life to get your mindset to theway that it is now, these lived
experiences that you had.
So, it's okay.
It's okay.
You are still gonna find you andfind your voice and get trust
back and be that version of youwho is a badass without being
(23:59):
quote unquote, fully healed.
I don't know a fully healedperson.
I don't even know what thatmeans.
All I know is that you're makingprogress if you are a better
healed version of yourself thanwhen you started your healing
journey.
Progress.
Progress is healing.
You don't have to feel brave totake a baby step.
(24:21):
Do it afraid.
Do it anxious, do it sad.
Do it unknowingly.
Do it despite all of the otherfeelings, because that's where
bravery comes from.
You taking the step that'sbravery.
You did it despite your fears.
You did it despite your doubts.
You did it despite thenaysayers.
(24:43):
You did it despite nervousness.
Bravery comes after you take thestep, not before.
Every time you check in withyour body, every time you
choose.
Peace over proving yourself.
Every time you listen to thatinner whisper, even if you can't
(25:10):
explain it, you are rebuilding.
Self-trust.
That's not selfish.
That's sacred.
You're doing it, and I'm soproud of you for doing it, for
taking the steps, and I hopeyou're proud of yourself.
(25:33):
I hope that as you are returningto yourself.
Rediscovering yourself becauselet me tell you, she was always
within you.
I always keep telling you guysthat we are not creating anybody
new.
We are bringing out the person,the goddess, the queen within
you who's been ready to comeout.
She was always within you.
You always had the capability ofbeing her, of being that girl
(25:58):
you were always her and you willcontinue to be her.
Now it's time to let her be outhere.
Okay?
So before we close, I want us toreflect on this.
What would it look like toparent yourself through this
(26:18):
season, not punish yourself?
What would it look like toparent yourself instead of
punishing yourself through thisseason?
Let's take the last two monthsof 2026 to parent ourselves.
To be gentle with ourselves, toallow ourselves to make mistakes
(26:40):
and not shun ourselves for thosemistakes.
Let's take the last remainingtime of this year so that we can
go into 2026 our cup more fullthan when we, entered 2025.
Let's, it's already taken a lotfrom us.
(27:00):
This year has been so crazy, andI'm sure each of you have been
going through your own battles.
So let your healing be gentle,let your progress be soft, and
if you need a reminder, I gotyour boo.
Come back to this space anytime.
I'm always here to support you.
(27:24):
And you know where you can reachme.
You can reach me on ig.
You can email me at, Shay atshift happens with shay.com.
You can reach out to me onLinkedIn.
If you find me on there.
I'm happy to be here whereveryou need.
I'm here for you.
Okay.
(27:45):
So with that being said, I dowanna continue this growth for
us so that you can continue tolive out that returning to you.
It's not selfish, it's sacred.
I.
We'll be hosting an eventDecember 6th at 11:00 AM Eastern
Standard Time.
It is a Saturday.
(28:05):
I will be hosting my coming toYour Soft Era event and I hope
to see you ladies there.
Yes, I really enjoy, like, Ireally enjoy.
These moments.
I enjoy making space for youladies, and I really wanna see
(28:29):
you there.
I want to help you succeed inyour healing, whether I'm your
therapist, whether I'm doing itthrough a workshop facilitating
area, as a facilitator, I wannabe here to help you through your
journey.
Definitely join me on December6th, because we're gonna get
(28:50):
into it more about softness andwhat softness means to us, what
our soft era looks like.
We're gonna talk about some ofthe things such as like
emotional labor.
I have an episode on that wherewe talked about that, but we're
gonna dive into that morebecause coming home to your soft
era, we are reflecting on ouryear and we are bringing our
vision of ourselves.
(29:12):
Self that we know who's withinus to life.
This workshop, it's gonna be anhour and a half, so it's 11 to
1230.
It will be through Zoom soanybody can join.
But I am limiting the space to15 women to preserve intimacy
and that I want this to be avery soulful, experience for
(29:34):
you.
It is to nourish you.
It is to soften you, and it isto reclaim yourself before the
new year.
You don't have to start newyear, new me.
You can reclaim yourself in 2025before the year ends, and we
could do it together.
Okay?
We're gonna release what?
2025 demanded of you.
(29:55):
We're gonna step into 2026 withsoftness, intention, and rest.
No, this is not a productivitymasterclass.
Nothing like that.
Or like I said, a New Year'sResolution bootcamp.
I don't believe in the alwayshaving to come up with a
resolution.
You just need to reclaimyourself.
So if you are feeling burnt out,emotionally overextended, or
(30:18):
just simply tired of holding itall, this workshop is your
invitation to slow down, soften,and start again.
Okay.
So hope to see you guys there.
If you are interested in joiningthat, you can find the event at
RSVP at shift happens withShay.com under my event tab.
(30:40):
You could get started there ifyou haven't already, you can
subscribe to my newsletter.
All of it will be there for youto see.
You can sign up that way.
I mean, you'll see it on myLinkedIn page, you'll see it on
my Instagram.
You'll see the link on Facebook,wherever you see me, YouTube,
(31:01):
whatnot.
I will have the link there, butthe event is on my website.
All right, ladies, don't forgetto subscribe.
Leave a review, share thisepisode with a friend who's
rebuilding trust in herself.
I hope to see you guys December6th, and I'm so excited to be
back.
I can't wait.
I can't wait to be with you guysagain.
(31:24):
Remember, you're not alone.
I adore you, love you all.
You are becoming continue to begreat.
Oh, that Goddess is justdeserves so much love and I'm
happy for her.
All right, boo.
Bye.
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