(#83) A Somatic Approach to All-or-Nothing Thinking: Nervous System Healing for Perfectionists & High Achievers

If you’ve ever felt stuck in extremes, “I have to do it perfectly or not at all”, you’re not alone. This episode is for the perfectionists, overachievers, and sensitive souls who get caught in all-or-nothing thinking... and are ready for a new way.

In this conversation, Rae shares how all-or-nothing thinking is actually a nervous system response, and how you can meet it with compassion, awareness, and somatic support. You'll leave with simple, body-based tools to help you interrupt the mental loop, soften pressure, and create more space for ease, nuance, and creativity.

In this episode, we explore:
🌀 Why all-or-nothing thinking is a form of protection, not a flaw
🌀 How trauma, perfectionism, and high sensitivity play a role
🌀 What’s happening in the body during these moments (freeze, tension, anxiety)
🌀 Somatic tools to regulate the nervous system and shift your perspective
🌀 Gentle affirmations and movement practices to reconnect with flexibility
🌀 Journal prompts + nervous system check-ins to return to your center

🌿 Ready to soften the extremes and come home to yourself?

Join me this fall at the Return to Soul Retreat — a nature-based healing experience for sensitive, soulful women. There are just a few spots left. DM me “RETREAT” or check the link to learn more.

📩 Sign up for the monthly newsletter to receive somatic tools, journal prompts, and updates straight to your inbox.

WORK W. ME
Somatic Breathwork Experiences
Events
Return to Soul Retreat

CONNECT
The Monthly Newsletter
DM on IG
Website
Subscribe & Review Apple Podcasts
Follow & Rate Spotify

Disclaimer: Please remember that the information shared on this podcast is intended to inspire, educate, and support you on your personal journey. It does not substitute for professional mental health advice. I am not a psychologist or medical professional. If you are experiencing distress, mental health challenges, or medical conditions, please seek help from a qualified professional.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to the podcast.
If you are new here, I'm Rae,I'm a somatic coach and
breathwork facilitator, and ifyou aren't new here, welcome
back.
I'm so glad that you're tuningin for today's episode.
So before we dive into today'sepisode, one front desk item
there is a women's retreat thatI'm hosting in October of this

(00:24):
year.
So October 2nd to October 5thin upstate New York I will be
hosting a women's retreat andI'm super excited for it.
We are going to be doing alldifferent types of things lots
of breath work and soundshealing.
We have a guest teacher comingfor Yoga Nidra and she's going

(00:45):
to be working with, like amanifestation, yogic sleep,
which I'm excited for.
We're going to be doing somehiking.
There are two different hikesthat will go on and it's really
an opportunity to be incommunity, connect with other
women and, yeah, really the nameof the retreat retreat is
called return to soul, so it'sreally about coming home, back

(01:09):
to yourself, so really feelingconnected to who you are,
empowered, energized and, uh,bringing that into the rest of
your year.
So if that is something thatinterests you, definitely check
out the show notes.
All the information is thereand there's like a little
application for you to submitand then, once you submit that,

(01:30):
I respond within 48 hours andthen we go from there.
So, moving into today's topic,we are going to be talking all
about all or nothing thinkingfrom a nervous system
perspective, and I chose thistopic because I think it's
something that comes up everyday.
Um, all or nothing thinking isa form of nervous system

(01:52):
dysregulation and I like workingwith different uh, you know
mind ways of thinking and how itrelates to the body.
I think it's like a fun way tomelt, like, uh, to merge both
worlds, the mind and the body.
And really, all or nothingthinking is a way to protect
ourselves, so it's a form ofprotection from fear, and we can

(02:16):
create space for the gray area,for nuance, for flexibility,
for self-compassion, forcreativity, and so that's what
we're going to be diving intotoday.
So all or nothing thinking canshow up a lot in a lot of
different ways, and it's a supercommon pattern for

(02:37):
perfectionists to have highachievers and someone that is
overcoming any kind of pasttrauma.
So I can show up with this kindof if this than that, and
there's no room for flexibility.
There's words like always,never perfect failure.
I'm a terrible person because Imade this mistake, maybe when

(03:02):
you were younger, when you werea kid, maybe you had ways of
thinking around your grades.
Or if you're currently inschool, even If I don't get all
A's, then I'm a complete failure.
She's either my best friend orshe's my worst enemy.
Or I can either work all day ornot work at all.
There's no in between, and soall or nothing.

(03:22):
Thinking can show up in a lot ofdifferent ways, and it is a
survival response.
So when the nervous system isdysregulated, it's perceiving
that there is a threat and itstarts searching for certainty,
it starts searching for clarity,and that is where absolute
thinking can come from.
So oftentimes it's trying toprotect us from fear, from shame

(03:47):
, from overwhelm, from feeling afeeling that is uncomfortable
and dysregulating, and in thebody this can show up in a
variety of different ways.
So if you're finding yourselfin this thought loop or this
thought spiral, noticing howyour body is feeling in those

(04:07):
moments, it could also be thatyou're even disassociating in
those times.
So, bringing in that awarenessand that mindfulness to notice,
okay, am I feeling any sensationin the body, even if it's
numbness?
Start with the numbness, startwith the numb, start with the
freeze, uh, start with thestuckness.
And if it's not notice, is yourjaw really tight?

(04:31):
Is there tension in yourshoulders?
Is your breathing shallow, like, how is your body responding to
this thought loop, to thisthought spiral?
Is it going into the freezeresponse, so that feeling, that
stuckness, if things aren'texactly perfect?
Is it going into the flightresponse, so really pushing and
really pushing past your limit,past your capacity this is

(04:56):
something that we talked aboutin last week's podcast episode
past your capacity?
This is something that we talkedabout in last week's podcast
episode.
Is it going into shutdown?
So just complete overwhelm,shutdown, really feeling anxious
, like how are these thoughtloops showing up in your body?
So I just want to invite areframe.

(05:16):
That all or nothing thinkingisn't bad, it isn't wrong.
It's a way that our nervoussystem communicates to us.
So it's providing you with somewisdom of an area that there
might be a deeper need and it'ssaying that you know we need
more options, that things don'tneed to be perfect.
So there's a lot of flexibilitythat we can invite into the

(05:40):
space when we notice that we'reexperiencing all or nothing
thinking, anxious thought loops,and I'm going to share some
tools that might be helpful ifyou're finding yourself in this
pattern.
So one tool that I absolutelylove working with is the breath.
So really, you could do thisthrough some mindful breathing.
You could do this through somemindful breathing.
You could do this through likean integrative breathwork

(06:01):
practice.
But what the breath will allowyou to do is shift your way of
thinking.
It will allow you to shift yourmind.
It will welcome in moreflexibility.
It's going to make some spacefor your thoughts to form
organically and fully andinstead of with force.
So it's going to.
If there's any like resistance,friction, it's going to allow

(06:26):
that to dissipate and melt awayin a really gentle and nervous
system regulating way.
If you're using your breath,it's a form of self-regulating.
So that's going to feel reallygood in shifting this thought
pattern.
Another tool that I think isgreat is orienting.
So orienting is when you lookat the space around you and you

(06:49):
use that to bring you yourselfinto the present moment and feel
really connected to what'shappening right now.
So, with a thought loop, withall or nothing thinking, with
anxious thoughts, sometimes wecan find ourselves in other
places.
Our thinking isn't actuallyfocused on the present moment.
So, working with this tool oforienting and beginning to

(07:12):
gently look at all of the spacearound you, engaging your five
senses into the current spacethat you're in.
So this could look like.
If you're inside, this couldlook like looking at each wall
around you, so the wall in frontof you, the walls on the sides
of you, the wall behind you, thewall above you, the wall below
you, and allowing that to bringyou a sense of safety.

(07:35):
If you are outside, it couldlook like that as well.
It could look like engaging allof your senses.
So like what do you see, whatdo you hear, what do you smell?
You can do that inside as well.
So that's orienting.
I love incorporating gentlemovement, so inviting gentle
movement into your currentexperience.

(07:57):
This could look like swayingback and forth.
This could look like circlingyour body, rolling out the
shoulders, shaking out the hands, shaking out the body, taking
some gentle stretches, allowingyourself the pause.
And this is like a micro moment, right, like if you catch
yourself in the all or nothingthinking or in the thought loop,

(08:18):
bring in the awareness of okay,I'm dysregulated in my body
somehow.
Uh, something, you know,something's coming up for me.
How can I get back into thebody?
And this is one way to do thatthrough micro movements.
So really giving yourself thatgentle, gentle, nudge, gentle
time to check in with the body,check in with the nervous system

(08:41):
.
And then the last way that Iwould suggest shifting this
thought pattern, really meetingyourself where you're at, is
with gentle touch.
So this can look like puttingyour hands on your heart, or
putting one hand on the heartand one hand on the belly heart,
or putting one hand on theheart and one hand on the belly,

(09:01):
and seeing what kind of phraseyou might need to self-regulate.
Maybe it's like it's safe to bein the unknown, it's uh, it's
safe to begin again, or I'mallowed to begin again, or um,
it's it's safe for me to chooseanother thought.
You know, depending on what thethought loop is and what the
anxious loop is, there might bea different like group of words

(09:25):
that you need to use for yournervous system.
But allowing yourself to gentlyfeel touch from you to you hand
on the heart, hand on the bellyor maybe somewhere else on your
body that would be reallyregulating for you and you can
even play with the pressure aswell.
So maybe you want gentle touch,maybe you want firm.

(09:46):
Sometimes when you're feelinganxious, it might feel really
good to kind of like squeeze thesides of your arms and kind of
give you almost like a self hug,like the butterfly hug.
It might be feel really good todo that.
So play around with how yourbody would feel, receiving touch
and notice how all of thesetools so connecting with the

(10:09):
breath, orienting to the spacethat you're currently in, taking
some micro movements whateverthat might look like, moving the
body in some way, andincorporating a touch that would
feel good for you in terms offirmness or gentleness, and
including an affirmation aroundsomething that you might need to
hear or receive would all bereally powerful for working with

(10:33):
all or nothing thinking or athought loop that's not serving
you or anxious thinking.
So really meet yourself whereyou're at with compassion and
see what comes up for you.
And if you're not sure where tostart, you can also start with
where might I be holding on toan all or nothing thought or

(10:55):
standard right now in my life?
Where am I giving myselfultimatums in life right now and
where might I feel the pressureof that thinking in my body and
how can I soften into theexperience and bring in more
flexibility, more compassion,more understanding, more
curiosity and see where thattakes you, and that is what I

(11:19):
have for you for today's episode.
So I really enjoyed recordingthis episode for you.
I feel like I even learned somethings along the way and this
was really, really nice.
So I hope that you enjoyedtoday's episode.
If it's something that you arelike, this is super interesting.
I love learning about nervoussystem regulation and the body

(11:40):
and nervous system healing.
I am hosting a retreat inOctober, so check out all the
details in the show notes and,yeah, I'm so glad that you tuned
in for today's episode.
I really enjoyed recording thisone for you and I hope you have
an incredible rest of your weekand incredible rest of your day
and I will talk to you soon.

(12:07):
Thank you for being here andtuning in to Somatic Healing for
Wellness Focused Women podcast.
If you were moved or inspiredby today's episode, please take
a moment to leave a rating andreview on Apple podcasts.
It truly helps the podcast growand helps more people find me
on their healing journey.
Make sure to check out the shownotes to sign up for the
monthly newsletter.

(12:27):
Links to more resources,opportunities to work with me
and ways that we can stayconnected.
If we aren't already connectedon social media, head over to
Instagram to follow me atraythesomaticcoach.
Send me a DM.
I'd love to connect with youand I answer each note that
comes in.
I am so happy you're here and Icannot wait to talk with you on
our next episode of the podcast.