Join us for a riveting conversation with Courtney Boyer, a relationship and sexuality expert who is passionately demystifying women’s sexual empowerment and body disconnect.
Courtney adeptly addresses the societal expectations burdening women, bringing a fresh perspective on women as sexual gatekeepers while underscoring the importance of open dialogues about sex and pleasure. She also tackles the relentless pursuit of the 'perfect mom' status and emphasizes the crucial role of self-care in every woman's life.
Courtney further enlightens us on the profound impact of intentions on well-being and relationships, demonstrating how self-love and gratitude nurture a prosperous life. This is beautifully exemplified by a transformative story from one of Courtney's clients.
We also discuss her book, 'Not Tonight, Honey: Why women actually don't want sex and what we can do about it', and her upcoming coaching programs which aim to advocate sexual empowerment.
Courtney provides intuitive insights on how men, too, can gain from understanding her book's principles and hence foster better communication with their partners.
So, buckle up and get ready for this enlightening discourse on women's empowerment!
Courtney Boyer, M.Ed., M.S. is a relationship and sexuality expert and author of Not Tonight, Honey: Why women actually don't want sex and what we can do about it. Courtney believes we can reclaim our power through our sexuality and she helps her clients to infuse passion and creativity into their lives by helping them uncover what's preventing them from connecting with their priorities and purpose.
Courtney is also a Certified Level 2 Reiki Practitioner.
To work with Courtney www.courtneyboyercoaching.com
We hope you found the episode to be enlightening and insightful. Our goal is to create content that not only entertains but also helps you grow spiritually and connect with your inner self.
If you enjoyed listening to this episode, we would greatly appreciate it if you could take a moment to like, subscribe, and write a review. Your feedback is incredibly valuable to us and helps us to improve the quality of our content and reach a wider audience.
We believe that by sharing knowledge and insights about spirituality, we can help to inspire positive change and personal growth. So, if you find our podcast to be meaningful and informative, we encourage you to share it with your friends and family.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hello everyone, welcome to the Spiritual
Spotlight series.
Today I am joined by CourtneyBoyer.
She's a relationship andsexuality expert and the author
of Not Tonight Honey why WomenDon't Want Sex and what we Can
Do About it.
She's a trained therapist,certified life coach and a
certified level two Reikipractitioner.
Courtney, thank you so much forcoming on the Spiritual
Spotlight series.
I'm so happy you're here.
(00:22):
Thanks, rachel.
I'm excited to be here.
I'm also excited that Courtneyis in Germany.
My dream to go there, yay.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Come visit.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
I'm definitely going to come visit.
Let me talk about let's justjump right into it Sexual
empowerment and pleasure.
Not Tonight, honey.
Your Bulk Delves Deep into theReasons Behind Women's Struggles
with Sexual Desire.
In your opinion, maybe, whatare some of the pivotal factors
that have caused this disconnectbetween women and their own
bodies?
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Yeah, where do I start?
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Start from the beginning of time.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Once upon a time no, yeah, I mean just, but I mean in
all honesty, though that'sreally what happens is like from
the beginning is girls areinundated with these messages of
what's a good girl and what'sexpected of them and not saying
that boys don't also get thatsame messaging, but a lot of
that messaging for girls isaround our bodies, our
(01:17):
appearance, our ability toplease and to serve other people
, and so we're not ever reallyconnecting with our body or
connecting with this idea ofpleasure at a young age.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
I would totally agree with that.
I mean, and I think as a maleand maybe I'm not sure if this
is something males I feel likeare promoted to yeah, be in
touch with your sexual prowess,and women it's more like no, you
need to be subdued and be a momand be a virgin, and it's very
(01:51):
interesting, not so much.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
Yeah, in the book I talk about that.
I coined the term sexualgatekeeper syndrome and this is
something that I see.
That, girls, I love your faceright now.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
I love that term alone sexual gatekeeping Like go
ahead please, yeah, no, likethe sexual.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
It's this idea that women are girls, teenagers are.
It's our job as the gatekeepersof sexual behavior, so it's
expected.
Of course men want sex all ofthe time, so of course they're
always going to want to say yes.
So somebody has to be thebigger person to shut sex down,
and so that has typically fallenon women, and that's where
women are seen as either crudesor sluts, depending on where
(02:32):
their you know gatekeepingstatus is.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
And prudes or sluts, even within the same
relationship that they'recurrently in.
Yeah, absolutely Like it's.
It's, it's a well, why, whydon't you do this and why don't
you act like this?
And it's like okay 100% mixedmessaging Yep.
So let me ask you this how doyou believe that families,
especially parents, can fosteran environment where
conversations about sex andpleasure are open, healthy and
(02:58):
devoid of shame?
Speaker 2 (02:58):
Yeah, I think it's just one by modeling.
So that's one of the best waysthat kids see is if you're
prioritizing your own pleasure,and a lot of people, when they
hear the word pleasure, theyjust assume we're talking about
sexual pleasure, and one of thethings that is really I think
important to remember is thatpleasure is just a concept in
(03:18):
general and it can be applied toany category.
So if you are taking pleasure inyour morning coffee or you are,
you know, taking a pleasantlystroll down the road, but we're
just not encouraged to do that,we're we're very focused, we're
very driven Like we don't havetime for these things.
You know, pleasure is reallyseen as a distraction and really
(03:40):
occasionally as a reward, butit is never seen as the path.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
Yeah, absolutely, and I kind of like that you just
brought this up.
It's like overachievement.
So you shared how your deeplypersonal journey from striving
for external validation to seeeven more authentic self-worth,
how to maybe spirituality andenergy were common to play
during this transformative placein your life.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
Yeah, I mean I did all like the right things, so I
I like that.
I did all the right things.
Society said yes, exactly.
I grew up very religious, so Iwas married at 22.
I had all three kids by thetime I was 30.
I had two master's degrees bythe time I was 30.
I just was your quintessentialoverachiever.
(04:23):
Honestly, that left me burnedout, anxious, depressed and just
really lonely.
And then I started realizingthat we're kind of told a lie.
When I say kind of, I meanreally told a lie in terms of
what success and fulfillment is.
And so then I started lookingfor fulfillment in other places,
outside of achievement.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
Yeah.
So I mean you just brought thisup that you were a mom of times
three before 30.
So the middle of being a supermom.
As someone who has chased thesuper mom status, what can you
tell maybe a young woman or anew mother about the pressures
of trying to have it all in theimportance of, like you said,
self-care?
Speaker 2 (05:02):
Yeah, it's a myth.
Like you can't have it, all youcan.
I'm just like mm-hmm, yeah,yeah, I mean we can pretend,
right?
No, let's not pretend.
I don't like pretending, I meanit's just.
It's really this idea thatcontinues women to cash in on
the commercialization and thecommodification and all of these
(05:23):
birds that have us try to showup and be somebody that we're
really not.
And you can have elements of it.
Quote all, but not all at thesame time.
And that doesn't mean thatyou're a failure.
That just means that it's aboutseasons and accepting things
that are supposed to be in yourlife at certain times.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
I love that seasons.
I mean, I'm somebody who I'mregistered nurse, I run a
doctor's office, I'm a mom, I'mvery spiritual, but it is a
struggle to find balance and Ifeel like a lot of it comes to
society's pressures and I shouldbe doing this.
I should be doing this.
Speaker 2 (06:02):
Yeah, of course.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
You know, and I love the idea of I like, like what
you just said, taking a pleasurewalk, like pleasurably walk,
like I know, after this I'mgoing for a walk and I'm like,
I'm going to equate it topleasure.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
Yes, yes, find the things that like like.
One of my small pleasures iswatching leaves fall.
I know like this is my favoritetime of year.
I just there's something likemagical for me about watching
leaves fall and so when I seethat, like I smile, I pay
attention to, like my breathing,I notice that like I just feel
happier, and that's an exampleof creating what I call a
(06:37):
pleasure.
Practice in the book is findingthose little things that bring
you pleasure and incorporatingthat consistently into your life
, and then you have a practice.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
That is amazing.
I'm going to be doing that Good.
Yes, let me ask you this I knowthat you had two masters degree
before the age of 30.
What made you desire to want tobe a relationship and sexuality
expert?
Speaker 2 (07:05):
Yeah Well, I didn't start out that way.
I wanted to be a lawyer becauseI wanted to help people.
Speaker 1 (07:12):
I love the transition .
That's amazing.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
Then I read the women's room in college and that
totally changed my life.
I started really looking intogender and sexuality and
realizing this is really messedup.
Women are really given theshort end of the stick here.
I wanted to be a part of thesolution.
Then I told my parents I'm notgoing to study law, I'm going to
(07:36):
study sex, which makes everyparent super proud.
That's what propelled me.
I didn't know exactly what Iwanted to do.
I didn't want to be a therapistat first because I didn't think
I was qualified for that.
Then I worked as a sexualityeducator for a little bit.
Then people were drawn to cometo me and ask me these really
(07:58):
personal questions.
I just didn't have the tools.
That's what led me into sextherapy and traditional therapy.
Speaker 1 (08:05):
Wow, that's amazing.
I love the fact that youstarted as wanting to be a
lawyer.
I think I also started as Iwanted to be a lawyer and then I
became a nurse.
I was like, yeah, it's how ourpaths diverge Exactly, With the
blend of science andspirituality, your credentials
and everyone.
I recommend you check out herwebsite and she has a lot of
(08:26):
credentials which are allamazing.
They reveal an intricate blendof Western medicine and
alternative methods like Reiki.
How?
do you find these differentpractices converge in your
approach to women's sexualempowerment.
Speaker 2 (08:42):
One of the things that I really was looking back
now is when I was in graduateschool.
The gold standard was cognitivebehavioral therapy.
That was like everything couldbe fixed in your mind.
As long as you thoughtdifferently, then you would feel
differently and then you wouldbehave differently.
That was a very logical.
What I would find with so manyof my clients is that they would
(09:03):
get to a point that they justcouldn't get past.
I was like I don't get it.
At the same time, my dadstarted getting sick.
When you see somebody that youlove deteriorating and you're
like man, I can't help them, butI know that he has this lot of
unresolved trauma and startedrealizing that the body keeps
(09:28):
the score.
We have these energies thatstuck in us and we can pretend
like they don't exist, but theydo.
What I realized is until youget the body on the board, you
will not achieve the resultsthat you're really desiring.
My focus is how do I integratethe mind and the body in a way
(09:50):
that feels authentic to me?
Speaker 1 (09:52):
That is so true.
The body does keep the score.
I don't know if you've everread the Emotion Code and I'm
sure you've read a lot of thebooks about how your thoughts
create your reality and how thatgets embedded into your
cellular tissue.
I feel like it manifests in,like you said, stored drama.
(10:13):
It comes up in addiction.
It comes up in overachieving.
It comes up in so manydifferent ways.
Imagine with your background.
Now you probably identify withyour client.
You need some energy work.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
I'm always a fan of energy work.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
yes, Absolutely so, am I.
It's fascinating how evenrashes can pop up on someone's
body.
They have anxiety and it'scoming up.
Absolutely stress, yep, how wemanage stress, that's a whole
other topic.
Right, it is.
Yes, I brought up that youabout your father.
(10:51):
You lost your father in 2017,and you mentioned realizing that
you've been sold alive thedefinition of success.
Can you maybe elaborate on howthis experience shifted your
perspective on what trulymatters in life?
Speaker 2 (11:04):
Yeah, so my dad was like the quintessential example
of success.
So he grew up in a veryphysically and emotionally
abusive household, was kickedout when he was a kid and, just
like, worked his way up throughthe ranks but had a lot of
severe PTSD and thought he couldoutrun, like literally like he
was a marathon runner, like that.
(11:25):
He could outrun his demons andhe tried everything.
He tried sports, he triedsuccess, he tried food, he tried
, ultimately, painkillers and itjust like it was just a perfect
example of you can't outrunthose, you have to face them.
And so I think, what if I knewwhat I knew now?
(11:48):
Back then I feel much moreequipped to be able to, like,
help him.
Obviously, you know peoplechoose what they want to their
own path.
But yeah, I mean seeing that ofwhat that epitome of success
look like on the outside, butyet feeling knowing that he was
still broken on the inside.
That to me was like there'ssomething missing here, like
that's not OK.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
And have you found that in your own personal life
that you've been able to shiftthat perspective, to really feel
like?
I know you said like when youwere chasing this married, 22
kids, master's degree and feltlonely.
Do you feel now that, with allof these tools that you have,
that you feel more fulfilledinside?
Speaker 2 (12:28):
Yeah, I mean I'd be lying if I said that I didn't
struggle with, like, thatoutward expectation of like, oh,
I'm not as successful you knowquote unquote to be.
And then that's when I, youknow, engage in those times I
have to really ground myself ingratitude and remember, like,
what's important and reflect onOK, what are the things that are
(12:51):
a priority in my life and whyam I getting sucked into this?
You know you're not makingenough money, or you're not, you
don't have enough sales, or youdon't have enough credentials,
or whatever it is.
So, yes, I know, you know I,but is it insane?
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Like, yes, I know I have a lot of credentials, but
like, I still am, like I'm thesame way I'm not 100% resonate
with what you're saying, becauseit's like I mean, you and I are
both like you're your coach andyou're you know you're in the
online space and you're inperson space and it is
interesting how people can judgeyou based upon oh well, you're
(13:27):
actually missing.
You know what I mean.
But then other people presentthemselves as no credentials and
you act like experts becausethey've got a good marketing
team.
100% Yep, and it's a hardbalance.
And I'm going to ask you thisbecause I suffer.
I suffer from the same thing andI call it like shiny thing
syndrome, where I'm like, oh, ifI get this one more tool, oh,
(13:49):
if I get this one more tool.
It's a hard thing to be likewe've done enough Enough.
Yeah, exactly yeah, we've doneenough.
So let me ask you this in themind body connection, from NLP
to any MDR, your trainingencompasses a range of
techniques aimed at mental wellbeing.
How have these practiceinfluenced your understanding,
(14:11):
approach towards sexual intimacyand relationships?
Speaker 2 (14:15):
Yeah, I mean, I think it's like the word.
The thing that comes up to meis the word intention, and so
being really cognizant of howpowerful intention is,
regardless of what modalityyou're using on your healing
path, or even more applicable tojust everyday life, like how,
my intention to show up as themost authentic version of myself
(14:38):
, like that, that's justparamount.
Speaker 1 (14:41):
Absolutely.
I am a firm believer.
I say it all the time Energyfollows intention.
So where you're going to placethat intention is where energy
is going to follow.
Yeah, absolutely.
Do you find that?
Because I know that, like youdo a relationship in sexuality
expert.
But imagine you have a lot ofpeople that are coming to you
that maybe they're not in arelationship, maybe they want to
(15:02):
learn how to love themselves.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, and it's like what, how doyou have, like maybe, a
transformational story that youcan share about one of your
clients that maybe wasstruggling and now they're
thriving?
Speaker 2 (15:17):
Yeah, one of the women that comes to mind
actually talk about her in mybook and it's like the mirror.
If you know mirror work in thebook, if you've read my book,
you're going to read my book.
I'm going to read her book.
Yeah, it's a real person andshe was single when she met me
and she was really trying tohave a better relationship with
herself, which I do.
(15:38):
A lot of people think that arelationship expert only focuses
on like two peoplerelationships, but it's really
about your relationship withyourself, and she was so
disconnected from who she wasand didn't even realize how much
she really hated herself.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
Oh, that's so sad.
I'm so sorry.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
I know it is really sad, but a lot of people do and
they don't even realize it.
It's like that's the standardand it doesn't come from a bad
place, but it comes from a placeof protection.
Like that part of you that likethinks you're so awful and
you're so unworthy is becauseit's really trying to keep you
safe, because you've been hurtby so many people in the past.
And so, being aware of that, ofwhy people despise themselves,
(16:22):
it's not because they have doneterrible things or they think
that they really are crappypeople.
They just don't want.
They want to stop being in painand stop being hurt by others.
Speaker 1 (16:35):
So how?
How is she now?
She's amazing.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
Like I do.
I talk to her probably like twoor three times a year, like
doing what I call likemaintenance checkups or sessions
, but she'll send me messages onInstagram, and which I love.
I love when clients or, youknow, readers will reach out to
me and and she's like she justwill send me like a random
gratitude, like I'm so thankful,like this came up in my life
and I had the ability to workthrough it because of our work
(17:01):
together and I know right, it'sthe best, it's the best feeling.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
So that just I mean it fills you with so much joy to
know that you've been able toreally help somebody that, like
you, hate themselves.
That's so sad.
And now, they're thriving,they're empowered, they're in
gratitude and you've got that upa couple of times.
Having an attitude of gratitude, I feel like that's a real base
for a lot of any type ofpractice?
(17:25):
How?
How would you recommendsomebody going into a gratitude
practice?
Speaker 2 (17:31):
So you can make it as easy or as complicated as you
want.
But like, what are the?
Like?
What my husband does is he setsa timer on his phone, like
twice a day, and it's just like,oh, that's my alarm.
I need to like really groundmyself in gratitude and that's
it.
I just need to think ofsomething that I'm grateful for
and it's become, it is likecompletely changed his attitude
and his outlook and which I'mreally grateful for.
(17:53):
And so you can do that.
You can do journaling, like somepeople will do that first thing
in the morning.
Some people will do the last,like right before they go to bed
.
They'll think of like fivethings that they were grateful
for that day.
I'm a big fan of sprinklingthings, so I like, throughout
your day or, like you know, oncea day or whatever, not usually
for me at the end of the day,I'm just like done so.
(18:14):
It's not authentic for me to begrateful at the end of the day.
But if you start your morningoff with maybe one thing that
you're looking forward to, evenif it's a quote, a tough day,
you know like I'm just gratefulthat there's coffee downstairs
or I'm just grateful that, likeI know that I will.
It's gonna be sunny today, youknow, whatever.
Yeah, I know.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
It could.
Like you said, if you're havinga tough day, one simple thing
can really just yeah, it'llshift you.
It'll shift the entire day.
So I know that you brought thisup before about having like a
pleasure practice.
So in the book you talk aboutestablishing a pleasure practice
.
Could you maybe shed a light onwhat that entails and why it's
essential for women toprioritize and men pleasure in
(18:56):
their lives?
Speaker 2 (18:58):
Yeah, I think that the more connected anybody is to
their pleasure, that the moreconnected they are to their
power and the more powerful thatyou feel and you are in who you
are, not in external things,the more authentic and more
connected to your purpose thatyou are.
So I like to say a powerfulwoman, or a pleasure woman, is a
powerful woman and powerfulwomen can change the world and
(19:21):
it's something I super totallybelieve in.
So what's a pleasure practice?
It's essentially what wediscussed earlier.
It's finding things that bringyou pleasure.
And if you can't find something, start with a nap, start with
smelling the lotion that you puton your hands, start with
savoring the food that you eatwhen you sit down.
(19:42):
Just really tune into yoursenses and into sensuality and
that will lead you to the thingsthat bring you pleasure.
And you do that once a day,once a week, and you build that
just like you would withexercise or gratitude or
anything else, and you have apleasure practice.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
That is amazing, so I want to.
This is what her book lookslike.
So not tonight, honey.
Why women actually don't wantsex, and what we can do about it
is on Amazon.
Are there any other places thatyou can pick up this book at?
Speaker 2 (20:17):
Yeah, the I think Barnes and Noble Apple Books
there's so just Probablyeverywhere.
Yeah, I'm trying to think ofnon-European ones.
Yeah, pretty most like majorplayers.
I don't think it's a target.
Yeah, but most people willdefer to Amazon.
If there is anyone who has alocal bookstore, I would love
for it to be in like small, youknow, local bookstores.
(20:39):
It's just hasn't been.
I haven't been in Europe makesit a little bit difficult to
make that happen.
Speaker 1 (20:44):
I'm trying to think like, do I actually?
Oh, I am in Saratoga Springsand there is a bookstore right
on our main street, so I'm goingto go there and see if it's
there, I'm going to be soexcited I'll have to post it,
I'll be so excited.
So let me ask you this Do youdo any, do you have any coaching
programs?
Or, if anybody's interested towork with you, what is?
Are people able to do that, andcan you tell us a little bit
(21:06):
about that?
Speaker 2 (21:07):
Yeah, so I work with individuals and with couples,
and right now what I'm doing iscreating what are called sexual
empowerment weekends.
First they'll start out withwomen and then I'll move over to
couples as well, but this isessentially just a weekend where
we take a lot of the thingsthat are talked about in the
book but we really go deep andso people who are struggling
(21:28):
with desire, who are strugglingwith connecting to their
pleasure this will be like aboot camp weekend for them to be
like okay, like yeah, I need toreally take back this idea of
being a sexual being andcreating a sex life that works
for me.
So that is what is forthcoming.
But if somebody's interested inthat, they can message me to
get on a wait list.
Or if they're interested indoing a like a one-on-one
(21:50):
weekend, that's like anintensive, they can message me
or email me and we cancoordinate that.
Speaker 1 (21:55):
Do they have to in person or can they be over Zoom?
Speaker 2 (21:59):
Ooh, that's a good question.
So the weekends, like the smallgroup ones, are in person.
Have not considered doing themonline for a one-on-one, I would
say that if somebody, I wouldprefer to do in person, but if
somebody is really well, that'llbe a case by case.
I'm very open-minded so we canbe open for discussion.
Speaker 1 (22:21):
I love that.
So the next chapter.
So your work in your book hasalready made a significant
impact on many women.
What's next for you?
Are there any new projects orareas of research that you're
currently exploring?
Speaker 2 (22:34):
You know, one thing that I have been really excited
about is the response from menwho have read the book and just
their insight and takeaways, andso I think that's kind of like.
A next step for me is doing someresearch on like how women's
(22:54):
low desire and then withinrelationships and creating tools
for men so that they feelempowered, like they can like
learn how to communicate.
There was one reader whoreached out to me and said that
her husband read, was readingthe book in bed next to her and
he turned to her because he wasat a point in the book about
talking about body image and heasked her and said do you love
(23:16):
your body?
And she said no, I don't.
And he they had been marriedfor like 13 years.
He had the idea of her notloving her body was so foreign
to him.
He just was like how is thatpossible?
You gave birth to two beautifulbabies and like you look
amazing and she's like I don'thate it anymore but like I'm
(23:38):
more like neutral towards it andjust like the conversation that
they had because of what he hadread, like I don't know if it
would change their marriage, butit definitely was a good, you
know chat that they had.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
So I mean it sounds like, if anything, it opened up
his perspective to what herstruggle has been, you know,
which would give him deeperunderstanding to, maybe, how he
approaches conversations withher.
Absolutely that's, that's verypowerful.
Speaker 2 (24:06):
Yeah, yeah, it was.
It's one of my favorite stories, yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
I love that story.
I'm like I'm going to give itto my partner.
Yes, ma'am, just move it onover, yep, like sir Yep Courtney
, thank you so much for comingto the spiritual spotlight
series.
I am so excited to read yourbook.
I've already purchased itduring this interview.
Oh, thanks, thank you again.
(24:28):
So so much, thank you.
Hello everyone, welcome to the Spiritual
Spotlight series.
Today I am joined by CourtneyBoyer.
She's a relationship andsexuality expert and the author
of Not Tonight Honey why WomenDon't Want Sex and what we Can
Do About it.
She's a trained therapist,certified life coach and a
certified level two Reikipractitioner.
Courtney, thank you so much forcoming on the Spiritual
Spotlight series.
I'm so happy you're here.
(00:22):
Thanks, rachel.
I'm excited to be here.
I'm also excited that Courtneyis in Germany.
My dream to go there, yay.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Come visit.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
I'm definitely going to come visit.
Let me talk about let's justjump right into it Sexual
empowerment and pleasure.
Not Tonight, honey.
Your Bulk Delves Deep into theReasons Behind Women's Struggles
with Sexual Desire.
In your opinion, maybe, whatare some of the pivotal factors
that have caused this disconnectbetween women and their own
bodies?
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Yeah, where do I start?
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Start from the beginning of time.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Once upon a time no, yeah, I mean just, but I mean in
all honesty, though that'sreally what happens is like from
the beginning is girls areinundated with these messages of
what's a good girl and what'sexpected of them and not saying
that boys don't also get thatsame messaging, but a lot of
that messaging for girls isaround our bodies, our
(01:17):
appearance, our ability toplease and to serve other people
, and so we're not ever reallyconnecting with our body or
connecting with this idea ofpleasure at a young age.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
I would totally agree with that.
I mean, and I think as a maleand maybe I'm not sure if this
is something males I feel likeare promoted to yeah, be in
touch with your sexual prowess,and women it's more like no, you
need to be subdued and be a momand be a virgin, and it's very
(01:51):
interesting, not so much.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
Yeah, in the book I talk about that.
I coined the term sexualgatekeeper syndrome and this is
something that I see.
That, girls, I love your faceright now.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
I love that term alone sexual gatekeeping Like go
ahead please, yeah, no, likethe sexual.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
It's this idea that women are girls, teenagers are.
It's our job as the gatekeepersof sexual behavior, so it's
expected.
Of course men want sex all ofthe time, so of course they're
always going to want to say yes.
So somebody has to be thebigger person to shut sex down,
and so that has typically fallenon women, and that's where
women are seen as either crudesor sluts, depending on where
(02:32):
their you know gatekeepingstatus is.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
And prudes or sluts, even within the same
relationship that they'recurrently in.
Yeah, absolutely Like it's.
It's, it's a well, why, whydon't you do this and why don't
you act like this?
And it's like okay 100% mixedmessaging Yep.
So let me ask you this how doyou believe that families,
especially parents, can fosteran environment where
conversations about sex andpleasure are open, healthy and
(02:58):
devoid of shame?
Speaker 2 (02:58):
Yeah, I think it's just one by modeling.
So that's one of the best waysthat kids see is if you're
prioritizing your own pleasure,and a lot of people, when they
hear the word pleasure, theyjust assume we're talking about
sexual pleasure, and one of thethings that is really I think
important to remember is thatpleasure is just a concept in
(03:18):
general and it can be applied toany category.
So if you are taking pleasure inyour morning coffee or you are,
you know, taking a pleasantlystroll down the road, but we're
just not encouraged to do that,we're we're very focused, we're
very driven Like we don't havetime for these things.
You know, pleasure is reallyseen as a distraction and really
(03:40):
occasionally as a reward, butit is never seen as the path.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
Yeah, absolutely, and I kind of like that you just
brought this up.
It's like overachievement.
So you shared how your deeplypersonal journey from striving
for external validation to seeeven more authentic self-worth,
how to maybe spirituality andenergy were common to play
during this transformative placein your life.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
Yeah, I mean I did all like the right things, so I
I like that.
I did all the right things.
Society said yes, exactly.
I grew up very religious, so Iwas married at 22.
I had all three kids by thetime I was 30.
I had two master's degrees bythe time I was 30.
I just was your quintessentialoverachiever.
(04:23):
Honestly, that left me burnedout, anxious, depressed and just
really lonely.
And then I started realizingthat we're kind of told a lie.
When I say kind of, I meanreally told a lie in terms of
what success and fulfillment is.
And so then I started lookingfor fulfillment in other places,
outside of achievement.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
Yeah.
So I mean you just brought thisup that you were a mom of times
three before 30.
So the middle of being a supermom.
As someone who has chased thesuper mom status, what can you
tell maybe a young woman or anew mother about the pressures
of trying to have it all in theimportance of, like you said,
self-care?
Speaker 2 (05:02):
Yeah, it's a myth.
Like you can't have it, all youcan.
I'm just like mm-hmm, yeah,yeah, I mean we can pretend,
right?
No, let's not pretend.
I don't like pretending, I meanit's just.
It's really this idea thatcontinues women to cash in on
the commercialization and thecommodification and all of these
(05:23):
birds that have us try to showup and be somebody that we're
really not.
And you can have elements of it.
Quote all, but not all at thesame time.
And that doesn't mean thatyou're a failure.
That just means that it's aboutseasons and accepting things
that are supposed to be in yourlife at certain times.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
I love that seasons.
I mean, I'm somebody who I'mregistered nurse, I run a
doctor's office, I'm a mom, I'mvery spiritual, but it is a
struggle to find balance and Ifeel like a lot of it comes to
society's pressures and I shouldbe doing this.
I should be doing this.
Speaker 2 (06:02):
Yeah, of course.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
You know, and I love the idea of I like, like what
you just said, taking a pleasurewalk, like pleasurably walk,
like I know, after this I'mgoing for a walk and I'm like,
I'm going to equate it topleasure.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
Yes, yes, find the things that like like.
One of my small pleasures iswatching leaves fall.
I know like this is my favoritetime of year.
I just there's something likemagical for me about watching
leaves fall and so when I seethat, like I smile, I pay
attention to, like my breathing,I notice that like I just feel
happier, and that's an exampleof creating what I call a
(06:37):
pleasure.
Practice in the book is findingthose little things that bring
you pleasure and incorporatingthat consistently into your life
, and then you have a practice.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
That is amazing.
I'm going to be doing that Good.
Yes, let me ask you this I knowthat you had two masters degree
before the age of 30.
What made you desire to want tobe a relationship and sexuality
expert?
Speaker 2 (07:05):
Yeah Well, I didn't start out that way.
I wanted to be a lawyer becauseI wanted to help people.
Speaker 1 (07:12):
I love the transition .
That's amazing.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
Then I read the women's room in college and that
totally changed my life.
I started really looking intogender and sexuality and
realizing this is really messedup.
Women are really given theshort end of the stick here.
I wanted to be a part of thesolution.
Then I told my parents I'm notgoing to study law, I'm going to
(07:36):
study sex, which makes everyparent super proud.
That's what propelled me.
I didn't know exactly what Iwanted to do.
I didn't want to be a therapistat first because I didn't think
I was qualified for that.
Then I worked as a sexualityeducator for a little bit.
Then people were drawn to cometo me and ask me these really
(07:58):
personal questions.
I just didn't have the tools.
That's what led me into sextherapy and traditional therapy.
Speaker 1 (08:05):
Wow, that's amazing.
I love the fact that youstarted as wanting to be a
lawyer.
I think I also started as Iwanted to be a lawyer and then I
became a nurse.
I was like, yeah, it's how ourpaths diverge Exactly, With the
blend of science andspirituality, your credentials
and everyone.
I recommend you check out herwebsite and she has a lot of
(08:26):
credentials which are allamazing.
They reveal an intricate blendof Western medicine and
alternative methods like Reiki.
How?
do you find these differentpractices converge in your
approach to women's sexualempowerment.
Speaker 2 (08:42):
One of the things that I really was looking back
now is when I was in graduateschool.
The gold standard was cognitivebehavioral therapy.
That was like everything couldbe fixed in your mind.
As long as you thoughtdifferently, then you would feel
differently and then you wouldbehave differently.
That was a very logical.
What I would find with so manyof my clients is that they would
(09:03):
get to a point that they justcouldn't get past.
I was like I don't get it.
At the same time, my dadstarted getting sick.
When you see somebody that youlove deteriorating and you're
like man, I can't help them, butI know that he has this lot of
unresolved trauma and startedrealizing that the body keeps
(09:28):
the score.
We have these energies thatstuck in us and we can pretend
like they don't exist, but theydo.
What I realized is until youget the body on the board, you
will not achieve the resultsthat you're really desiring.
My focus is how do I integratethe mind and the body in a way
(09:50):
that feels authentic to me?
Speaker 1 (09:52):
That is so true.
The body does keep the score.
I don't know if you've everread the Emotion Code and I'm
sure you've read a lot of thebooks about how your thoughts
create your reality and how thatgets embedded into your
cellular tissue.
I feel like it manifests in,like you said, stored drama.
(10:13):
It comes up in addiction.
It comes up in overachieving.
It comes up in so manydifferent ways.
Imagine with your background.
Now you probably identify withyour client.
You need some energy work.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
I'm always a fan of energy work.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
yes, Absolutely so, am I.
It's fascinating how evenrashes can pop up on someone's
body.
They have anxiety and it'scoming up.
Absolutely stress, yep, how wemanage stress, that's a whole
other topic.
Right, it is.
Yes, I brought up that youabout your father.
(10:51):
You lost your father in 2017,and you mentioned realizing that
you've been sold alive thedefinition of success.
Can you maybe elaborate on howthis experience shifted your
perspective on what trulymatters in life?
Speaker 2 (11:04):
Yeah, so my dad was like the quintessential example
of success.
So he grew up in a veryphysically and emotionally
abusive household, was kickedout when he was a kid and, just
like, worked his way up throughthe ranks but had a lot of
severe PTSD and thought he couldoutrun, like literally like he
was a marathon runner, like that.
(11:25):
He could outrun his demons andhe tried everything.
He tried sports, he triedsuccess, he tried food, he tried
, ultimately, painkillers and itjust like it was just a perfect
example of you can't outrunthose, you have to face them.
And so I think, what if I knewwhat I knew now?
(11:48):
Back then I feel much moreequipped to be able to, like,
help him.
Obviously, you know peoplechoose what they want to their
own path.
But yeah, I mean seeing that ofwhat that epitome of success
look like on the outside, butyet feeling knowing that he was
still broken on the inside.
That to me was like there'ssomething missing here, like
that's not OK.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
And have you found that in your own personal life
that you've been able to shiftthat perspective, to really feel
like?
I know you said like when youwere chasing this married, 22
kids, master's degree and feltlonely.
Do you feel now that, with allof these tools that you have,
that you feel more fulfilledinside?
Speaker 2 (12:28):
Yeah, I mean I'd be lying if I said that I didn't
struggle with, like, thatoutward expectation of like, oh,
I'm not as successful you knowquote unquote to be.
And then that's when I, youknow, engage in those times I
have to really ground myself ingratitude and remember, like,
what's important and reflect onOK, what are the things that are
(12:51):
a priority in my life and whyam I getting sucked into this?
You know you're not makingenough money, or you're not, you
don't have enough sales, or youdon't have enough credentials,
or whatever it is.
So, yes, I know, you know I,but is it insane?
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Like, yes, I know I have a lot of credentials, but
like, I still am, like I'm thesame way I'm not 100% resonate
with what you're saying, becauseit's like I mean, you and I are
both like you're your coach andyou're you know you're in the
online space and you're inperson space and it is
interesting how people can judgeyou based upon oh well, you're
(13:27):
actually missing.
You know what I mean.
But then other people presentthemselves as no credentials and
you act like experts becausethey've got a good marketing
team.
100% Yep, and it's a hardbalance.
And I'm going to ask you thisbecause I suffer.
I suffer from the same thing andI call it like shiny thing
syndrome, where I'm like, oh, ifI get this one more tool, oh,
(13:49):
if I get this one more tool.
It's a hard thing to be likewe've done enough Enough.
Yeah, exactly yeah, we've doneenough.
So let me ask you this in themind body connection, from NLP
to any MDR, your trainingencompasses a range of
techniques aimed at mental wellbeing.
How have these practiceinfluenced your understanding,
(14:11):
approach towards sexual intimacyand relationships?
Speaker 2 (14:15):
Yeah, I mean, I think it's like the word.
The thing that comes up to meis the word intention, and so
being really cognizant of howpowerful intention is,
regardless of what modalityyou're using on your healing
path, or even more applicable tojust everyday life, like how,
my intention to show up as themost authentic version of myself
(14:38):
, like that, that's justparamount.
Speaker 1 (14:41):
Absolutely.
I am a firm believer.
I say it all the time Energyfollows intention.
So where you're going to placethat intention is where energy
is going to follow.
Yeah, absolutely.
Do you find that?
Because I know that, like youdo a relationship in sexuality
expert.
But imagine you have a lot ofpeople that are coming to you
that maybe they're not in arelationship, maybe they want to
(15:02):
learn how to love themselves.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, and it's like what, how doyou have, like maybe, a
transformational story that youcan share about one of your
clients that maybe wasstruggling and now they're
thriving?
Speaker 2 (15:17):
Yeah, one of the women that comes to mind
actually talk about her in mybook and it's like the mirror.
If you know mirror work in thebook, if you've read my book,
you're going to read my book.
I'm going to read her book.
Yeah, it's a real person andshe was single when she met me
and she was really trying tohave a better relationship with
herself, which I do.
(15:38):
A lot of people think that arelationship expert only focuses
on like two peoplerelationships, but it's really
about your relationship withyourself, and she was so
disconnected from who she wasand didn't even realize how much
she really hated herself.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
Oh, that's so sad.
I'm so sorry.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
I know it is really sad, but a lot of people do and
they don't even realize it.
It's like that's the standardand it doesn't come from a bad
place, but it comes from a placeof protection.
Like that part of you that likethinks you're so awful and
you're so unworthy is becauseit's really trying to keep you
safe, because you've been hurtby so many people in the past.
And so, being aware of that, ofwhy people despise themselves,
(16:22):
it's not because they have doneterrible things or they think
that they really are crappypeople.
They just don't want.
They want to stop being in painand stop being hurt by others.
Speaker 1 (16:35):
So how?
How is she now?
She's amazing.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
Like I do.
I talk to her probably like twoor three times a year, like
doing what I call likemaintenance checkups or sessions
, but she'll send me messages onInstagram, and which I love.
I love when clients or, youknow, readers will reach out to
me and and she's like she justwill send me like a random
gratitude, like I'm so thankful,like this came up in my life
and I had the ability to workthrough it because of our work
(17:01):
together and I know right, it'sthe best, it's the best feeling.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
So that just I mean it fills you with so much joy to
know that you've been able toreally help somebody that, like
you, hate themselves.
That's so sad.
And now, they're thriving,they're empowered, they're in
gratitude and you've got that upa couple of times.
Having an attitude of gratitude, I feel like that's a real base
for a lot of any type ofpractice?
(17:25):
How?
How would you recommendsomebody going into a gratitude
practice?
Speaker 2 (17:31):
So you can make it as easy or as complicated as you
want.
But like, what are the?
Like?
What my husband does is he setsa timer on his phone, like
twice a day, and it's just like,oh, that's my alarm.
I need to like really groundmyself in gratitude and that's
it.
I just need to think ofsomething that I'm grateful for
and it's become, it is likecompletely changed his attitude
and his outlook and which I'mreally grateful for.
(17:53):
And so you can do that.
You can do journaling, like somepeople will do that first thing
in the morning.
Some people will do the last,like right before they go to bed
.
They'll think of like fivethings that they were grateful
for that day.
I'm a big fan of sprinklingthings, so I like, throughout
your day or, like you know, oncea day or whatever, not usually
for me at the end of the day,I'm just like done so.
(18:14):
It's not authentic for me to begrateful at the end of the day.
But if you start your morningoff with maybe one thing that
you're looking forward to, evenif it's a quote, a tough day,
you know like I'm just gratefulthat there's coffee downstairs
or I'm just grateful that, likeI know that I will.
It's gonna be sunny today, youknow, whatever.
Yeah, I know.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
It could.
Like you said, if you're havinga tough day, one simple thing
can really just yeah, it'llshift you.
It'll shift the entire day.
So I know that you brought thisup before about having like a
pleasure practice.
So in the book you talk aboutestablishing a pleasure practice
.
Could you maybe shed a light onwhat that entails and why it's
essential for women toprioritize and men pleasure in
(18:56):
their lives?
Speaker 2 (18:58):
Yeah, I think that the more connected anybody is to
their pleasure, that the moreconnected they are to their
power and the more powerful thatyou feel and you are in who you
are, not in external things,the more authentic and more
connected to your purpose thatyou are.
So I like to say a powerfulwoman, or a pleasure woman, is a
powerful woman and powerfulwomen can change the world and
(19:21):
it's something I super totallybelieve in.
So what's a pleasure practice?
It's essentially what wediscussed earlier.
It's finding things that bringyou pleasure.
And if you can't find something, start with a nap, start with
smelling the lotion that you puton your hands, start with
savoring the food that you eatwhen you sit down.
(19:42):
Just really tune into yoursenses and into sensuality and
that will lead you to the thingsthat bring you pleasure.
And you do that once a day,once a week, and you build that
just like you would withexercise or gratitude or
anything else, and you have apleasure practice.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
That is amazing, so I want to.
This is what her book lookslike.
So not tonight, honey.
Why women actually don't wantsex, and what we can do about it
is on Amazon.
Are there any other places thatyou can pick up this book at?
Speaker 2 (20:17):
Yeah, the I think Barnes and Noble Apple Books
there's so just Probablyeverywhere.
Yeah, I'm trying to think ofnon-European ones.
Yeah, pretty most like majorplayers.
I don't think it's a target.
Yeah, but most people willdefer to Amazon.
If there is anyone who has alocal bookstore, I would love
for it to be in like small, youknow, local bookstores.
(20:39):
It's just hasn't been.
I haven't been in Europe makesit a little bit difficult to
make that happen.
Speaker 1 (20:44):
I'm trying to think like, do I actually?
Oh, I am in Saratoga Springsand there is a bookstore right
on our main street, so I'm goingto go there and see if it's
there, I'm going to be soexcited I'll have to post it,
I'll be so excited.
So let me ask you this Do youdo any, do you have any coaching
programs?
Or, if anybody's interested towork with you, what is?
Are people able to do that, andcan you tell us a little bit
(21:06):
about that?
Speaker 2 (21:07):
Yeah, so I work with individuals and with couples,
and right now what I'm doing iscreating what are called sexual
empowerment weekends.
First they'll start out withwomen and then I'll move over to
couples as well, but this isessentially just a weekend where
we take a lot of the thingsthat are talked about in the
book but we really go deep andso people who are struggling
(21:28):
with desire, who are strugglingwith connecting to their
pleasure this will be like aboot camp weekend for them to be
like okay, like yeah, I need toreally take back this idea of
being a sexual being andcreating a sex life that works
for me.
So that is what is forthcoming.
But if somebody's interested inthat, they can message me to
get on a wait list.
Or if they're interested indoing a like a one-on-one
(21:50):
weekend, that's like anintensive, they can message me
or email me and we cancoordinate that.
Speaker 1 (21:55):
Do they have to in person or can they be over Zoom?
Speaker 2 (21:59):
Ooh, that's a good question.
So the weekends, like the smallgroup ones, are in person.
Have not considered doing themonline for a one-on-one, I would
say that if somebody, I wouldprefer to do in person, but if
somebody is really well, that'llbe a case by case.
I'm very open-minded so we canbe open for discussion.
Speaker 1 (22:21):
I love that.
So the next chapter.
So your work in your book hasalready made a significant
impact on many women.
What's next for you?
Are there any new projects orareas of research that you're
currently exploring?
Speaker 2 (22:34):
You know, one thing that I have been really excited
about is the response from menwho have read the book and just
their insight and takeaways, andso I think that's kind of like.
A next step for me is doing someresearch on like how women's
(22:54):
low desire and then withinrelationships and creating tools
for men so that they feelempowered, like they can like
learn how to communicate.
There was one reader whoreached out to me and said that
her husband read, was readingthe book in bed next to her and
he turned to her because he wasat a point in the book about
talking about body image and heasked her and said do you love
(23:16):
your body?
And she said no, I don't.
And he they had been marriedfor like 13 years.
He had the idea of her notloving her body was so foreign
to him.
He just was like how is thatpossible?
You gave birth to two beautifulbabies and like you look
amazing and she's like I don'thate it anymore but like I'm
(23:38):
more like neutral towards it andjust like the conversation that
they had because of what he hadread, like I don't know if it
would change their marriage, butit definitely was a good, you
know chat that they had.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
So I mean it sounds like, if anything, it opened up
his perspective to what herstruggle has been, you know,
which would give him deeperunderstanding to, maybe, how he
approaches conversations withher.
Absolutely that's, that's verypowerful.
Speaker 2 (24:06):
Yeah, yeah, it was.
It's one of my favorite stories, yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
I love that story.
I'm like I'm going to give itto my partner.
Yes, ma'am, just move it onover, yep, like sir Yep Courtney
, thank you so much for comingto the spiritual spotlight
series.
I am so excited to read yourbook.
I've already purchased itduring this interview.
Oh, thanks, thank you again.
(24:28):
So so much, thank you.
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