May 2, 2024 • 27 mins
Are you aware of your shadows? Ever heard about a mother wound, or encountered codependency in your life? Let’s explore these profound concepts with Alyssa Zander, our esteemed guest for this episode.
Alyssa, an expert in the field of emotional healing, guides us through an illuminating journey where we unravel the meanings and manifestations of codependency. We also tread the path to understanding the 'mother wound,' a subject that shapes our self-perception in more ways than we realize.
This episode is not just an exploration, it's an open invitation to self-transformation. Alyssa takes us deep into the realm of shadow work and inner child healing, where introspective questions lead us to our hidden fears. She encourages us to view traits like people-pleasing and self-sacrifice as wisdom rather than obstacles, a perspective that can change how we handle these patterns in our life.
Alyssa's openness about her personal experiences adds authenticity to the discourse and makes the journey less daunting. As we wrap up this enlightening conversation, Alyssa shares her platform, Codependency Alchemy, where such conversations continue to empower individuals. She also invites us to join her YouTube channel and mastermind group for in-depth experiences.
We catch a glimpse of Alyssa's upcoming projects and hear her hopes for the future. This episode is a powerful conversation, a promise to rewrite narratives, and a beacon of hope to heal emotional wounds.
To learn more about Alyssa: https://stan.store/alyssaaazander
We hope you found the episode to be enlightening and insightful. Our goal is to create content that not only entertains but also helps you grow spiritually and connect with your inner self.
If you enjoyed listening to this episode, we would greatly appreciate it if you could take a moment to like, subscribe, and write a review. Your feedback is incredibly valuable to us and helps us to improve the quality of our content and reach a wider audience.
We believe that by sharing knowledge and insights about spirituality, we can help to inspire positive change and personal growth. So, if you find our podcast to be meaningful and informative, we encourage you to share it with your friends and family.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hello everyone, welcome to our spiritual
spotlight series.
Today I am joined by AlyssaZander.
She works with women to healcodependency in the mother room
through shadow work at innerchild healing.
Using somatics and energyhealing, she will transmute and
alchemize codependent patterns,such as people pleasing
perfectionism, overgiving andself-sacrificing to see the
(00:22):
wisdom within them.
She has a mentorship programand a podcast.
We're going to get into all ofthat.
Alyssa, thank you so much forcoming on the spiritual
spotlight series.
I'm so happy you're here.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Yeah, thank you, rachel, so much for having me
Such an honor, so sweet.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
So let's dive right in.
So your work centers aroundhealing codependency in the
mother wounds.
Can you maybe give ourlisteners a brief rundown of
what these terms mean?
Speaker 2 (00:46):
Yeah, absolutely the way that I define codependency
has really helped me and, Ithink, helped shape the women
who I work with start to see ita little bit differently,
because I think there's a stigmaaround codependency.
Right, we think, oh it's youknow, when you enable someone
with an addiction and then weimmediately just say, well,
that's not me.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
So don't worry about that, yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
When, really, codependency is so much deeper
than that.
The way I define it is when youput your worth or your good
feelings about yourself onsomething or someone outside of
you.
So how it can relate to that.
Enabling addiction can be likeoh well, in order for this
person to love me, I need toenable them.
(01:28):
So, yes, that can absolutely bea way that codependency shows
up.
However, it can also show up inthe way that we relate to our
parents or to our partners, oreven to our work, Like our
success.
Our worthiness or deservingnesscan be dependent on how you
know quote unquote successfulyou are in your work or in your
(01:51):
business, and we can have acodependent relationship like
I'm only good or worthy orsuccessful if I have this thing
that's outside of me and tell usa little bit about what a
mother wound is.
Yeah, and so the mother wound iswhen we it's like when we
didn't get the love or theprotection or the safety that we
(02:14):
needed or deserved when we werechildren.
And I want to like add thiscaveat too, because I think
people hear the mother wound andthey think, well, my mother was
loving and kind and like.
I have a great relationshipwith my mother, and to that I
would say, same I do.
I love my mom.
My mom is an amazing human.
She did her absolute best,phrasing us.
(02:36):
However, the mother wound stillexists within me.
It can show up as the ways thatwe isolate, judge, compare
ourselves to others Because ifyou think about, you know,
generations of mothers that camefor us and even those who are
mothers now, you might relate tothis where you just feel like
(02:56):
you have to hold it all, whereyou have to be the caretaker to
everyone, where you have to beeverything to everyone, and that
can be really isolating.
That is the mother woundthinking we need to, to give of
ourselves in order to receivelove.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
That is so powerful.
I mean, even as a mom myselfwho is a professional it's this
expectation that we have to doit all.
And what you're saying is Irelate that to the mother wound
and it's an unrealisticexpectation.
It absolutely is.
It absolutely is.
I'm like crying, I'm like Ineed to have a mother wound
(03:34):
session, but it's interesting,like you know, with the mother
wound, like you're 100% correct,like there's so many women and
it may even like come from a dadwho was, you know, acting as
both roles you know that justwasn't able to provide that kind
of, you know, healing and loveand protection and safety, and
(03:56):
there's millions and millionsupon people that have suffered
through having parents that justmaybe weren't capable to be
parents.
Like that's so tough.
So let me ask you this youspecialize in working with women
.
Is there a particular reasonwhy you've chosen this focus and
what unique challenges do youfind that women face in
overcoming codependency?
Speaker 2 (04:19):
I think you know it wasn't my intention to only work
with women Initially.
Actually, I was a parentingcoach, so I was doing.
I used to be an early childhoodeducator, so I'm masters as an
early childhood education, so Iused to do parent like parenting
classes.
I love that, yeah.
So I did work with a lot offathers and dads and men.
(04:43):
It just sort of started takingshift, because there was this
very consistent pattern wherethe women were holding it all
and they were just pointingfingers, blaming but he doesn't
do this, he doesn't do that, hedoesn't do this.
And so I saw an opportunity tobegin to support women and not
(05:04):
be not being that victim.
Right, like this.
Woe is me, everything falls onmy shoulders and putting the
blame on solely their otherpartner.
But saying like, okay, where doI have a responsibility in this
too, where am I actually notasking for what I need?
And I have, you know, greatmodels of this both my parents.
They're in a very codependentrelationship and I've watched
(05:27):
how they've navigated and so Ican see these patterns and these
themes in my relationship.
Even, right, I started sayinglike, oh, this is where I do
this, so I just started teachingwomen because they.
I think there's that burden, Ithink that women carry and that
(05:48):
mothers carry and this deepseated fear of being a bad mom,
this fear that they'll doanything to not be a bad mom,
and really giving them theopportunity to rewrite that for
themselves.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
As you're saying, that that is so true, like I
have two sons and that is a fairof mine.
I don't want my kids to thinkI'm a bad mom and I'm also human
and we have limitations.
And to go back to yourcodependency and how you talk
about having a profession, Iremember many years ago I had
(06:25):
someone say to me I find myselfworth in my job and I was like,
oh yeah, so do I.
And then, but as you're sayingthem like, no, I don't.
I find it within, like it's so.
But I mean, but honestly, Iknow that that was my viewpoint
for many years of, well, I'msuccessful, so I myself worth, I
love myself, I'm amazing, Ilove that you work, I love this
(06:46):
work that you're doing.
This is so powerful.
I'm having a moment in my brain.
I love this, thank you.
I'm like, please, we need you.
So let's talk about shadow work.
It's a term that gets thrownaround quite a bit in the
spiritual community and your ownpractice.
What does shadow work entail?
Speaker 2 (07:06):
Okay, so shadow work is like I'm trying to even come
up with like a name for it,cause my business it's like it's
almost like a triangle.
It's shadow work, inner childhealing and somatics.
I think if you do those threethings like, you can radically
change all of your relationships.
So to answer your questionspecifically, with shadow work,
(07:27):
it's really starting to.
It's about curiosity.
I'll just start with that.
When I invite the women who Iwork with and myself into shadow
work, it's usually withquestions, so a great, just tool
that for your listeners you cantake this and run with it.
You can write something like ifsomething were to happen, like
(07:51):
if I were to do X or if I wereto do or weren't.
Let me give a specific example.
Let's talk about perfectionism,because so many people
experience perfectionism.
So shadow work is understandinghow we are relating to
perfectionism and what we thinkwe're gonna get from it.
(08:13):
It's really beginning to accessthe part of our psyche that we
were press and push away andwe're bringing it in a little
bit closer.
So the analogy I give to peopleis like you're inviting your
shadows in for tea, that you'regonna have them come in, sit
across from you because theyhave wisdom in them.
Perfectionism is this patternthat we're like oh, I do it and
(08:34):
I hate it and I don't wanna doit anymore.
But what if we instead saidlike okay, perfection, the part
of me that is struggling withperfectionism, can you come in
closer and can I begin to have aconversation of why you exist?
Right, beautiful.
So the question that you canlay out is if I wasn't perfect,
(08:58):
then what would that mean aboutme?
Speaker 1 (09:01):
Oh, I like that spin.
I mean it's powerful.
You're right, and you can applythat for any aspect of the
shadow that you're working on asyou're inviting them in for tea
.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
Exactly exactly.
Because then they start sayingwell, if I'm not perfect, then,
well, then, people won't like me.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
Yeah Well, the relationship will fall apart, or
I won't be successful, or Iwon't be worthy of love, or that
can really lay out a lot ofdifferent things.
Wow, I'm like we'll see.
You're good.
So let me ask you this, becauseI know you just brought this up
(09:40):
your triangle, so your approachalso blends in somatics and
energy healing.
Can you maybe share an exampleor two of how these methods help
in transmuting the codependentpatterns?
Speaker 2 (09:51):
Yeah, so we'll stick with the example of
perfectionism, right?
So say we would go through thatshadow work piece, Okay, well,
if I'm not perfect, well then noone will like me.
And then I'll end up.
Let's say we do that a couplerounds, well, it ends up with
I'll be alone.
So the deep-seated fear is I'llbe alone.
Right, that's the core of theshadow.
(10:11):
So then we would take it intoinner child work, where I would
say how old is this part of youthat fears being alone?
And then you kind of start totend to where does the fear of
being alone live in your body?
And then so then, like if Iwere to tap into where that
lives in my body, where does thefear of being alone live in my
(10:33):
body?
And for me, immediately what Ifelt was this like contraction,
sort of like in my womb space,like in my root almost, which is
correlated to safety.
So I guess that kind of makessense, right, Like if I'm alone,
then maybe I'm not safe, right?
And so the reason why I bringit into asking where does it
(10:55):
live in your body I even askmore prompts, usually where it's
like what does it feel like?
What does it look like?
Does it have a color, a shape,a texture, Because we're really
good at having this like logical, mental idea of like what
perfectionism is, for example.
But our bodies also have astory that they're trying to
(11:18):
tell us and it's oh, I contractand I don't feel safe when I'm
afraid of being alone.
And so then we start tuning intolike where we're actually
carrying this and holding thisfear in our body and how our
bodies are responding to thatfear.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
Yeah, and then ultimately, you're giving them
practices to help release it.
Exactly and to be able toempower themselves to move
forward.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
It's very powerful.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
I love that.
So the term people pleasing andself-sacrificing resonates with
so many of us.
How do you guide women to seethe wisdom within these
behavioral patterns rather thanviewing them as mere obstacles?
Speaker 2 (12:01):
Yeah, so the way that we see the wisdom in them,
which I kind of like startedalluding to when I said we bring
them in for tea, right, I'llnever forget when we did
perfectionism because we startedlearning, like how the part of
us that does that pattern isactually the part of us that is
trying to keep us in integrity,right.
(12:23):
So like there is a benefit,there is a wisdom to it.
So you mentioned peoplepleasing and self-sacrificing.
The part of us thatself-sacrifices thinks that well
, if I self-sacrifice, I willreceive love.
If I self-sacrifice, I will beseen as caring, I will be seen
as loving, I will be seen asnice, and a lot of what I've
(12:46):
watched the women that I workwith through is actually saying
well, how do you feel when youself-sacrifice?
I'm tired tired, resentful,angry, frustrated, alone.
It's just like to begin to seethe shadow piece of that.
You start reality checkingyourself a little bit like, oh,
(13:07):
I'm doing this thing because Ithink it's gonna provide me with
something, but actually it's,it's providing you with quite
literally the opposite.
That's the wisdom, right?
The wisdom is seeing how thepatterns that we're
participating in are actuallyCreating the thing that we don't
want as opposed to the thingthat we do want, which is a felt
(13:30):
sense.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
Do you find that a lot of your clients or when they
come to you, do they know whatthey're like, the issue that
they need to work on, or is thatsomething you kind of have to
dig in with them, like you said?
It's like you have to kind ofdo reality checkpoints.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
Mm-hmm.
I think Mostly people know thatthey don't want to feel how
they feel anymore.
I think it's it's it's muchmore vague and broad.
They a lot of like the contentthat I make on like Instagram
and TikTok and my YouTubechannel.
A lot of it is creatingawareness, because most people
(14:07):
aren't aware, they aren't awarethat they have these patterns or
these tendencies.
So I'm trying to name themwithout just saying people
pleasing, or just sayingProfessionist or you know, I'm
trying to be let, give more,more language around it for them
to begin to tap in.
But usually when people come tome, it's more broad.
It's I, I'm resentful in myrelationship, I want to leave my
(14:29):
marriage, like I'm my, mychild's driving me crazy or like
it's.
It's something like that, yeah,and then we start unraveling it
together.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
I love that.
It's almost like, okay, we'regonna have a starting point, but
then we're gonna dig in.
And then can you share maybesome of your transformational
stories that you've had withsome of your clients?
Speaker 2 (14:49):
Yeah, absolutely Absolutely.
So I created codependency,alchemy, the membership and the
mastermind, which are my groupprograms, because, honestly, I
needed a space to continue to bechecked, because I I think it's
easy to be like, oh well, I didthis shadow work journey and
now I'm healed.
Or oh, I did this energysession on my, on my inner child
(15:10):
, and now I'm healed, and it'slike, oh Actually, inaccurate.
And that thought patternactually perpetuates the one of
the biggest core wounds, whichis I didn't do it right, I'm not
good enough, yes, right,because it's like when it comes
up again, you're like, oh, I didthis already, it already
exactly like you, gotta dig inmore girlfriend, hmm exactly.
(15:36):
First things I tell my clientsI'm like this is not you end up
at healed by the end of our timetogether.
Our time together is I'm gonnagive you tools so that you can
hold yourself when thesepatterns come up again.
Because, well, after, after youfeel complete in our time
together, these patterns willcome up again until they don't.
(15:57):
And I always say, like spirit,I am open to this never
happening again or this not evercoming up again.
But until then, I need to knowthat I have the tools and that's
what I want to give.
Others is the tools.
And so Some transformationalstories.
You know there's a few that comeoff the top of my head.
One in particular was thismother who really just doubted
(16:20):
herself and who Didn't have verymuch confidence is how she
would describe it, you know,just low confidence, overgiving,
self-sacrifice and extremelyresentful.
And after our time together,like when she left that
membership space, it was justlike I actually feel like I've
(16:41):
got this.
I'm actually feel like I know.
I know how to hold space formyself.
I know how to set boundariesfor myself, because boundaries
is a huge one.
Everyone talks about it, but noone talks about how to enforce
them.
Yeah, and so it's just likeshe's, like I actually feel
confident enough to lead myselfand like that is the greatest
(17:02):
gift is is being able to Feelconfident enough to leave a
space, knowing that you've gotyou, that you felt enough
resilience and trust withinyourself, that you're not
seeking outside of yourself forall the answers anymore, because
you know the answers actuallylive within you.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
I love that any other stories you want to share about
transformations from yourclients.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
Okay, there's one more where.
So this one in particularreally, really high energy when
it comes to conflict with herpartner power struggle.
I would call it a powerstruggle, an intense struggle.
And the other day she actuallycame to one of the membership
calls and was like Alyssa, I hada conflict with my husband and
(17:51):
I told him in the moment like Ineeded to take some space, which
, like before, this person wouldnever do that they would like
go until to the nail, right,yeah, and even went back and
apologized for the things thatshe had said in the fight, in
the conflict, where beforeapologies were very few and far
(18:11):
in between.
It's a lot of the work that Ido is where can we take radical
personal responsibility for ourpart in some of these dynamics?
And that can be really hard forpeople with codependency,
because we don't wanna be seenas like bad or wrong or unhealed
.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
I do like the fact, though, this radical
accountability.
Like I do think, though, we dohave a tendency to displace
blame onto other people when wereally need to be accountable
for our own actions, and you'reright about it being
uncomfortable to look at, andit's what an amazing story.
(18:47):
Like she maybe didn't wannalook at that before, and then
she was able to self-reflect,pause and then go back, and I
would imagine her relationshipis so much better now.
Speaker 2 (18:57):
Yeah, I mean, she really got to see.
She worked through the shadow,work prompts, things that we do
every single month together andgot to the root of it.
Oh, I wanna fight because I'mafraid of losing power, and if I
lose power then this person canharm me.
You know, and that's the root,even though her husband isn't
causing harm, he's not a harmfulperson.
At one point that was true forher, and she was able to get to
(19:20):
that all on her own, and that islike I couldn't hope for
anything better than that.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
That is amazing, amazing story.
So let me ask you this so,given that you work so closely
with emotional and energeticdynamics, what self-care
practices do you employ to keepyourself balanced and aligned?
Speaker 2 (19:41):
Yeah, I have learned, I would say, even in the last
few months, to like an extremeis that safety is so important
Safety, safety, safety.
How can I cultivate it formyself even more today?
And so I would say a self-carepractice that I've been really
leaning into right now is likeevery morning waking up and
reminding my body that it's safe, by whether that's a mantra and
(20:06):
affirmation.
Sometimes I just visualizemyself like in this orb or in
this bubble that's like reallybright and has space.
I make sure there's no one elsein my bubble and really like
claim it.
That's been really supportivefor me.
Honestly, I think it's justhaving conversations with myself
(20:29):
.
Like it sounds so silly and Iknow that I probably look like a
crazy person on the outside andI'm kind of just over it at
this point Like this is how Icreate a really powerful
relationship with myself.
If I'm in a moment, or if I'm, Icall it being in it if I'm in
it and like triggered oractivated, I'll just start
talking to myself.
What is this here to show me?
(20:49):
What is this here to show meabout me?
What does this part of me need?
And I like immediately put ahand on my heart, because as
soon as I ask the question so Iguess a tool, I would say
something that I do is asking aquestion what is this here to
show me?
Where does this live in my body?
How old is this part of me?
What is this part of me need itlike?
(21:11):
Creates just enough separationfor those activating moments for
me to see that this is not meand my like higher self, or it
puts me in that seat of self.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
I love that idea.
Honestly, like I know, eventoday I was having a meeting
with some doctors today and itwas it was stressful and I think
I should have if I would haveknown this practice now I do.
I mean, what is this here toshow me Like cause I was getting
so emotionally charged?
I?
Speaker 2 (21:41):
love that.
Speaker 1 (21:41):
That's a really good idea.
I mean, it disconnects you fromthat triggering moment and,
like you said, it brings it back, and then I'm able to identify
it and then move on and thenhave a more successful day.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (21:54):
So tell us about your podcast.
It's called codependencyalchemy the podcast.
Tell us all about it.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
Yeah, yeah.
So codependency alchemy thepodcast came out this year in
April and every month it justgrows and grows and grows.
It's amazing.
It was really built and createdfrom a place where I just like
I want people to be able to havethese conversations and a lot
(22:21):
of people don't have access tothese kinds of conversations and
I loved that.
I got to get into it a littlebit on, like, my social media
platforms.
I show a lot of all of thisstuff on those on those
platforms but I wanted to likehave a place where people could
like really tune in and I caneven walk them through a process
of.
Some of the episodes aremeditation, where I allow you to
(22:44):
kind of like tap in and we'llmove through it together.
I just kind of wanted to bringa little bit of what we do in
the membership to the collectivewho, like maybe can't invest in
the membership right now butstill want to be a part of the
conversations or tap into it oreven see like is this something
that I want to explore more?
It's like a great kind ofjumping off point, for I call it
(23:08):
like the student.
There's like three tiers ofpeople in my world there's the
student, the alchemist and thecreator.
Perfect for the students Likeyou, kind of you're learning at
your own pace, you're dippingyour toes in, you're still kind
of figuring out where you fitinto these types of patterns and
just learning more information.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
I love that.
And then is that available onall, like podcast channels, like
Spotify.
That's awesome.
So in also, you said you have aYouTube channel.
What's the name of your YouTubechannel?
Speaker 2 (23:37):
Yeah, so all my socials is Alyssa a, a Xander,
it's like my name, with a coupleof A's at the end of my first
name, and I post video, my videopodcast on YouTube.
I also post, like my, some ofmy TikToks on YouTube, shorts
and things like that.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
That's perfect.
And then you said you have amembership and a mastermind, so
I know you told us a little bitabout that.
If anyone is interested insigning up for those, where is
the best place for them to go to?
Speaker 2 (24:07):
Yeah, first, I would say definitely follow me on
Instagram or TikTok, whereveryou're at, because I post on
there every day and you'll get areally fun version of me.
I'm very raw and real overthere.
But if you go toAlyssaXandercom, that will take
you to my stand store where youcan get access to all the things
(24:28):
that I offer.
So if I'm doing like a one-offworkshop, everything will kind
of be there.
You can access the membershipand the mastermind is a much
more intimate community.
I only open doors for thatoffering a couple of times a
year.
I don't know when this will beaired, but we are open.
The doors are open right now,in October.
(24:49):
They close in November and it'sa six month commitment.
Speaker 1 (24:53):
And when did they reopen?
In 2024?
Speaker 2 (24:56):
April.
Speaker 1 (24:57):
April.
Okay, I'm going to make sure topost that before then.
Speaker 2 (25:03):
Well, and if not, it's okay.
But it's a six month commitmentbecause it's like we're a small
cohort, we're going deep.
Speaker 1 (25:10):
We're doing a deep dive.
Speaker 2 (25:12):
It's very intimate and super transformational.
Speaker 1 (25:16):
I love that.
So, before we wrap up, alyssa,can you share what's next on
your horizon, any upcomingprojects or offerings you'd like
to share to our spiritualspotlight audience?
Speaker 2 (25:26):
Yeah, I think I mean just I'm pouring into the
podcast right now, honestly,because we just hit top 100 in
like multiple differentcountries for relationships, and
so I think just you know, gocheck that out.
If you hear something or if thepodcast speaks to you, send me
a DM, send me an email.
I love connecting with you guys.
(25:47):
That would be like my.
My huge ask is like go check itout, see if you like it, see if
it's the port.
Speaker 1 (25:54):
Subscribe, like and leave a review.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:56):
Yeah, seriously, I'm getting better at asking for
those things, well.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
Alyssa, thank you so so much for coming on the
spiritual spotlight series.
It was a pleasure to meet withyou and I definitely look
forward to talking to you againsoon, yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:10):
Awesome.
Thank you for watching Buhобрат.
Hello everyone, welcome to our spiritual
spotlight series.
Today I am joined by AlyssaZander.
She works with women to healcodependency in the mother room
through shadow work at innerchild healing.
Using somatics and energyhealing, she will transmute and
alchemize codependent patterns,such as people pleasing
perfectionism, overgiving andself-sacrificing to see the
(00:22):
wisdom within them.
She has a mentorship programand a podcast.
We're going to get into all ofthat.
Alyssa, thank you so much forcoming on the spiritual
spotlight series.
I'm so happy you're here.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Yeah, thank you, rachel, so much for having me
Such an honor, so sweet.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
So let's dive right in.
So your work centers aroundhealing codependency in the
mother wounds.
Can you maybe give ourlisteners a brief rundown of
what these terms mean?
Speaker 2 (00:46):
Yeah, absolutely the way that I define codependency
has really helped me and, Ithink, helped shape the women
who I work with start to see ita little bit differently,
because I think there's a stigmaaround codependency.
Right, we think, oh it's youknow, when you enable someone
with an addiction and then weimmediately just say, well,
that's not me.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
So don't worry about that, yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
When, really, codependency is so much deeper
than that.
The way I define it is when youput your worth or your good
feelings about yourself onsomething or someone outside of
you.
So how it can relate to that.
Enabling addiction can be likeoh well, in order for this
person to love me, I need toenable them.
(01:28):
So, yes, that can absolutely bea way that codependency shows
up.
However, it can also show up inthe way that we relate to our
parents or to our partners, oreven to our work, Like our
success.
Our worthiness or deservingnesscan be dependent on how you
know quote unquote successfulyou are in your work or in your
(01:51):
business, and we can have acodependent relationship like
I'm only good or worthy orsuccessful if I have this thing
that's outside of me and tell usa little bit about what a
mother wound is.
Yeah, and so the mother wound iswhen we it's like when we
didn't get the love or theprotection or the safety that we
(02:14):
needed or deserved when we werechildren.
And I want to like add thiscaveat too, because I think
people hear the mother wound andthey think, well, my mother was
loving and kind and like.
I have a great relationshipwith my mother, and to that I
would say, same I do.
I love my mom.
My mom is an amazing human.
She did her absolute best,phrasing us.
(02:36):
However, the mother wound stillexists within me.
It can show up as the ways thatwe isolate, judge, compare
ourselves to others Because ifyou think about, you know,
generations of mothers that camefor us and even those who are
mothers now, you might relate tothis where you just feel like
(02:56):
you have to hold it all, whereyou have to be the caretaker to
everyone, where you have to beeverything to everyone, and that
can be really isolating.
That is the mother woundthinking we need to, to give of
ourselves in order to receivelove.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
That is so powerful.
I mean, even as a mom myselfwho is a professional it's this
expectation that we have to doit all.
And what you're saying is Irelate that to the mother wound
and it's an unrealisticexpectation.
It absolutely is.
It absolutely is.
I'm like crying, I'm like Ineed to have a mother wound
(03:34):
session, but it's interesting,like you know, with the mother
wound, like you're 100% correct,like there's so many women and
it may even like come from a dadwho was, you know, acting as
both roles you know that justwasn't able to provide that kind
of, you know, healing and loveand protection and safety, and
(03:56):
there's millions and millionsupon people that have suffered
through having parents that justmaybe weren't capable to be
parents.
Like that's so tough.
So let me ask you this youspecialize in working with women
.
Is there a particular reasonwhy you've chosen this focus and
what unique challenges do youfind that women face in
overcoming codependency?
Speaker 2 (04:19):
I think you know it wasn't my intention to only work
with women Initially.
Actually, I was a parentingcoach, so I was doing.
I used to be an early childhoodeducator, so I'm masters as an
early childhood education, so Iused to do parent like parenting
classes.
I love that, yeah.
So I did work with a lot offathers and dads and men.
(04:43):
It just sort of started takingshift, because there was this
very consistent pattern wherethe women were holding it all
and they were just pointingfingers, blaming but he doesn't
do this, he doesn't do that, hedoesn't do this.
And so I saw an opportunity tobegin to support women and not
(05:04):
be not being that victim.
Right, like this.
Woe is me, everything falls onmy shoulders and putting the
blame on solely their otherpartner.
But saying like, okay, where doI have a responsibility in this
too, where am I actually notasking for what I need?
And I have, you know, greatmodels of this both my parents.
They're in a very codependentrelationship and I've watched
(05:27):
how they've navigated and so Ican see these patterns and these
themes in my relationship.
Even, right, I started sayinglike, oh, this is where I do
this, so I just started teachingwomen because they.
I think there's that burden, Ithink that women carry and that
(05:48):
mothers carry and this deepseated fear of being a bad mom,
this fear that they'll doanything to not be a bad mom,
and really giving them theopportunity to rewrite that for
themselves.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
As you're saying, that that is so true, like I
have two sons and that is a fairof mine.
I don't want my kids to thinkI'm a bad mom and I'm also human
and we have limitations.
And to go back to yourcodependency and how you talk
about having a profession, Iremember many years ago I had
(06:25):
someone say to me I find myselfworth in my job and I was like,
oh yeah, so do I.
And then, but as you're sayingthem like, no, I don't.
I find it within, like it's so.
But I mean, but honestly, Iknow that that was my viewpoint
for many years of, well, I'msuccessful, so I myself worth, I
love myself, I'm amazing, Ilove that you work, I love this
(06:46):
work that you're doing.
This is so powerful.
I'm having a moment in my brain.
I love this, thank you.
I'm like, please, we need you.
So let's talk about shadow work.
It's a term that gets thrownaround quite a bit in the
spiritual community and your ownpractice.
What does shadow work entail?
Speaker 2 (07:06):
Okay, so shadow work is like I'm trying to even come
up with like a name for it,cause my business it's like it's
almost like a triangle.
It's shadow work, inner childhealing and somatics.
I think if you do those threethings like, you can radically
change all of your relationships.
So to answer your questionspecifically, with shadow work,
(07:27):
it's really starting to.
It's about curiosity.
I'll just start with that.
When I invite the women who Iwork with and myself into shadow
work, it's usually withquestions, so a great, just tool
that for your listeners you cantake this and run with it.
You can write something like ifsomething were to happen, like
(07:51):
if I were to do X or if I wereto do or weren't.
Let me give a specific example.
Let's talk about perfectionism,because so many people
experience perfectionism.
So shadow work is understandinghow we are relating to
perfectionism and what we thinkwe're gonna get from it.
(08:13):
It's really beginning to accessthe part of our psyche that we
were press and push away andwe're bringing it in a little
bit closer.
So the analogy I give to peopleis like you're inviting your
shadows in for tea, that you'regonna have them come in, sit
across from you because theyhave wisdom in them.
Perfectionism is this patternthat we're like oh, I do it and
(08:34):
I hate it and I don't wanna doit anymore.
But what if we instead saidlike okay, perfection, the part
of me that is struggling withperfectionism, can you come in
closer and can I begin to have aconversation of why you exist?
Right, beautiful.
So the question that you canlay out is if I wasn't perfect,
(08:58):
then what would that mean aboutme?
Speaker 1 (09:01):
Oh, I like that spin.
I mean it's powerful.
You're right, and you can applythat for any aspect of the
shadow that you're working on asyou're inviting them in for tea
.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
Exactly exactly.
Because then they start sayingwell, if I'm not perfect, then,
well, then, people won't like me.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
Yeah Well, the relationship will fall apart, or
I won't be successful, or Iwon't be worthy of love, or that
can really lay out a lot ofdifferent things.
Wow, I'm like we'll see.
You're good.
So let me ask you this, becauseI know you just brought this up
(09:40):
your triangle, so your approachalso blends in somatics and
energy healing.
Can you maybe share an exampleor two of how these methods help
in transmuting the codependentpatterns?
Speaker 2 (09:51):
Yeah, so we'll stick with the example of
perfectionism, right?
So say we would go through thatshadow work piece, Okay, well,
if I'm not perfect, well then noone will like me.
And then I'll end up.
Let's say we do that a couplerounds, well, it ends up with
I'll be alone.
So the deep-seated fear is I'llbe alone.
Right, that's the core of theshadow.
(10:11):
So then we would take it intoinner child work, where I would
say how old is this part of youthat fears being alone?
And then you kind of start totend to where does the fear of
being alone live in your body?
And then so then, like if Iwere to tap into where that
lives in my body, where does thefear of being alone live in my
(10:33):
body?
And for me, immediately what Ifelt was this like contraction,
sort of like in my womb space,like in my root almost, which is
correlated to safety.
So I guess that kind of makessense, right, Like if I'm alone,
then maybe I'm not safe, right?
And so the reason why I bringit into asking where does it
(10:55):
live in your body I even askmore prompts, usually where it's
like what does it feel like?
What does it look like?
Does it have a color, a shape,a texture, Because we're really
good at having this like logical, mental idea of like what
perfectionism is, for example.
But our bodies also have astory that they're trying to
(11:18):
tell us and it's oh, I contractand I don't feel safe when I'm
afraid of being alone.
And so then we start tuning intolike where we're actually
carrying this and holding thisfear in our body and how our
bodies are responding to thatfear.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
Yeah, and then ultimately, you're giving them
practices to help release it.
Exactly and to be able toempower themselves to move
forward.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
It's very powerful.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
I love that.
So the term people pleasing andself-sacrificing resonates with
so many of us.
How do you guide women to seethe wisdom within these
behavioral patterns rather thanviewing them as mere obstacles?
Speaker 2 (12:01):
Yeah, so the way that we see the wisdom in them,
which I kind of like startedalluding to when I said we bring
them in for tea, right, I'llnever forget when we did
perfectionism because we startedlearning, like how the part of
us that does that pattern isactually the part of us that is
trying to keep us in integrity,right.
(12:23):
So like there is a benefit,there is a wisdom to it.
So you mentioned peoplepleasing and self-sacrificing.
The part of us thatself-sacrifices thinks that well
, if I self-sacrifice, I willreceive love.
If I self-sacrifice, I will beseen as caring, I will be seen
as loving, I will be seen asnice, and a lot of what I've
(12:46):
watched the women that I workwith through is actually saying
well, how do you feel when youself-sacrifice?
I'm tired tired, resentful,angry, frustrated, alone.
It's just like to begin to seethe shadow piece of that.
You start reality checkingyourself a little bit like, oh,
(13:07):
I'm doing this thing because Ithink it's gonna provide me with
something, but actually it's,it's providing you with quite
literally the opposite.
That's the wisdom, right?
The wisdom is seeing how thepatterns that we're
participating in are actuallyCreating the thing that we don't
want as opposed to the thingthat we do want, which is a felt
(13:30):
sense.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
Do you find that a lot of your clients or when they
come to you, do they know whatthey're like, the issue that
they need to work on, or is thatsomething you kind of have to
dig in with them, like you said?
It's like you have to kind ofdo reality checkpoints.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
Mm-hmm.
I think Mostly people know thatthey don't want to feel how
they feel anymore.
I think it's it's it's muchmore vague and broad.
They a lot of like the contentthat I make on like Instagram
and TikTok and my YouTubechannel.
A lot of it is creatingawareness, because most people
(14:07):
aren't aware, they aren't awarethat they have these patterns or
these tendencies.
So I'm trying to name themwithout just saying people
pleasing, or just sayingProfessionist or you know, I'm
trying to be let, give more,more language around it for them
to begin to tap in.
But usually when people come tome, it's more broad.
It's I, I'm resentful in myrelationship, I want to leave my
(14:29):
marriage, like I'm my, mychild's driving me crazy or like
it's.
It's something like that, yeah,and then we start unraveling it
together.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
I love that.
It's almost like, okay, we'regonna have a starting point, but
then we're gonna dig in.
And then can you share maybesome of your transformational
stories that you've had withsome of your clients?
Speaker 2 (14:49):
Yeah, absolutely Absolutely.
So I created codependency,alchemy, the membership and the
mastermind, which are my groupprograms, because, honestly, I
needed a space to continue to bechecked, because I I think it's
easy to be like, oh well, I didthis shadow work journey and
now I'm healed.
Or oh, I did this energysession on my, on my inner child
(15:10):
, and now I'm healed, and it'slike, oh Actually, inaccurate.
And that thought patternactually perpetuates the one of
the biggest core wounds, whichis I didn't do it right, I'm not
good enough, yes, right,because it's like when it comes
up again, you're like, oh, I didthis already, it already
exactly like you, gotta dig inmore girlfriend, hmm exactly.
(15:36):
First things I tell my clientsI'm like this is not you end up
at healed by the end of our timetogether.
Our time together is I'm gonnagive you tools so that you can
hold yourself when thesepatterns come up again.
Because, well, after, after youfeel complete in our time
together, these patterns willcome up again until they don't.
(15:57):
And I always say, like spirit,I am open to this never
happening again or this not evercoming up again.
But until then, I need to knowthat I have the tools and that's
what I want to give.
Others is the tools.
And so Some transformationalstories.
You know there's a few that comeoff the top of my head.
One in particular was thismother who really just doubted
(16:20):
herself and who Didn't have verymuch confidence is how she
would describe it, you know,just low confidence, overgiving,
self-sacrifice and extremelyresentful.
And after our time together,like when she left that
membership space, it was justlike I actually feel like I've
(16:41):
got this.
I'm actually feel like I know.
I know how to hold space formyself.
I know how to set boundariesfor myself, because boundaries
is a huge one.
Everyone talks about it, but noone talks about how to enforce
them.
Yeah, and so it's just likeshe's, like I actually feel
confident enough to lead myselfand like that is the greatest
(17:02):
gift is is being able to Feelconfident enough to leave a
space, knowing that you've gotyou, that you felt enough
resilience and trust withinyourself, that you're not
seeking outside of yourself forall the answers anymore, because
you know the answers actuallylive within you.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
I love that any other stories you want to share about
transformations from yourclients.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
Okay, there's one more where.
So this one in particularreally, really high energy when
it comes to conflict with herpartner power struggle.
I would call it a powerstruggle, an intense struggle.
And the other day she actuallycame to one of the membership
calls and was like Alyssa, I hada conflict with my husband and
(17:51):
I told him in the moment like Ineeded to take some space, which
, like before, this person wouldnever do that they would like
go until to the nail, right,yeah, and even went back and
apologized for the things thatshe had said in the fight, in
the conflict, where beforeapologies were very few and far
(18:11):
in between.
It's a lot of the work that Ido is where can we take radical
personal responsibility for ourpart in some of these dynamics?
And that can be really hard forpeople with codependency,
because we don't wanna be seenas like bad or wrong or unhealed
.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
I do like the fact, though, this radical
accountability.
Like I do think, though, we dohave a tendency to displace
blame onto other people when wereally need to be accountable
for our own actions, and you'reright about it being
uncomfortable to look at, andit's what an amazing story.
(18:47):
Like she maybe didn't wannalook at that before, and then
she was able to self-reflect,pause and then go back, and I
would imagine her relationshipis so much better now.
Speaker 2 (18:57):
Yeah, I mean, she really got to see.
She worked through the shadow,work prompts, things that we do
every single month together andgot to the root of it.
Oh, I wanna fight because I'mafraid of losing power, and if I
lose power then this person canharm me.
You know, and that's the root,even though her husband isn't
causing harm, he's not a harmfulperson.
At one point that was true forher, and she was able to get to
(19:20):
that all on her own, and that islike I couldn't hope for
anything better than that.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
That is amazing, amazing story.
So let me ask you this so,given that you work so closely
with emotional and energeticdynamics, what self-care
practices do you employ to keepyourself balanced and aligned?
Speaker 2 (19:41):
Yeah, I have learned, I would say, even in the last
few months, to like an extremeis that safety is so important
Safety, safety, safety.
How can I cultivate it formyself even more today?
And so I would say a self-carepractice that I've been really
leaning into right now is likeevery morning waking up and
reminding my body that it's safe, by whether that's a mantra and
(20:06):
affirmation.
Sometimes I just visualizemyself like in this orb or in
this bubble that's like reallybright and has space.
I make sure there's no one elsein my bubble and really like
claim it.
That's been really supportivefor me.
Honestly, I think it's justhaving conversations with myself
(20:29):
.
Like it sounds so silly and Iknow that I probably look like a
crazy person on the outside andI'm kind of just over it at
this point Like this is how Icreate a really powerful
relationship with myself.
If I'm in a moment, or if I'm, Icall it being in it if I'm in
it and like triggered oractivated, I'll just start
talking to myself.
What is this here to show me?
(20:49):
What is this here to show meabout me?
What does this part of me need?
And I like immediately put ahand on my heart, because as
soon as I ask the question so Iguess a tool, I would say
something that I do is asking aquestion what is this here to
show me?
Where does this live in my body?
How old is this part of me?
What is this part of me need itlike?
(21:11):
Creates just enough separationfor those activating moments for
me to see that this is not meand my like higher self, or it
puts me in that seat of self.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
I love that idea.
Honestly, like I know, eventoday I was having a meeting
with some doctors today and itwas it was stressful and I think
I should have if I would haveknown this practice now I do.
I mean, what is this here toshow me Like cause I was getting
so emotionally charged?
I?
Speaker 2 (21:41):
love that.
Speaker 1 (21:41):
That's a really good idea.
I mean, it disconnects you fromthat triggering moment and,
like you said, it brings it back, and then I'm able to identify
it and then move on and thenhave a more successful day.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (21:54):
So tell us about your podcast.
It's called codependencyalchemy the podcast.
Tell us all about it.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
Yeah, yeah.
So codependency alchemy thepodcast came out this year in
April and every month it justgrows and grows and grows.
It's amazing.
It was really built and createdfrom a place where I just like
I want people to be able to havethese conversations and a lot
(22:21):
of people don't have access tothese kinds of conversations and
I loved that.
I got to get into it a littlebit on, like, my social media
platforms.
I show a lot of all of thisstuff on those on those
platforms but I wanted to likehave a place where people could
like really tune in and I caneven walk them through a process
of.
Some of the episodes aremeditation, where I allow you to
(22:44):
kind of like tap in and we'llmove through it together.
I just kind of wanted to bringa little bit of what we do in
the membership to the collectivewho, like maybe can't invest in
the membership right now butstill want to be a part of the
conversations or tap into it oreven see like is this something
that I want to explore more?
It's like a great kind ofjumping off point, for I call it
(23:08):
like the student.
There's like three tiers ofpeople in my world there's the
student, the alchemist and thecreator.
Perfect for the students Likeyou, kind of you're learning at
your own pace, you're dippingyour toes in, you're still kind
of figuring out where you fitinto these types of patterns and
just learning more information.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
I love that.
And then is that available onall, like podcast channels, like
Spotify.
That's awesome.
So in also, you said you have aYouTube channel.
What's the name of your YouTubechannel?
Speaker 2 (23:37):
Yeah, so all my socials is Alyssa a, a Xander,
it's like my name, with a coupleof A's at the end of my first
name, and I post video, my videopodcast on YouTube.
I also post, like my, some ofmy TikToks on YouTube, shorts
and things like that.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
That's perfect.
And then you said you have amembership and a mastermind, so
I know you told us a little bitabout that.
If anyone is interested insigning up for those, where is
the best place for them to go to?
Speaker 2 (24:07):
Yeah, first, I would say definitely follow me on
Instagram or TikTok, whereveryou're at, because I post on
there every day and you'll get areally fun version of me.
I'm very raw and real overthere.
But if you go toAlyssaXandercom, that will take
you to my stand store where youcan get access to all the things
(24:28):
that I offer.
So if I'm doing like a one-offworkshop, everything will kind
of be there.
You can access the membershipand the mastermind is a much
more intimate community.
I only open doors for thatoffering a couple of times a
year.
I don't know when this will beaired, but we are open.
The doors are open right now,in October.
(24:49):
They close in November and it'sa six month commitment.
Speaker 1 (24:53):
And when did they reopen?
In 2024?
Speaker 2 (24:56):
April.
Speaker 1 (24:57):
April.
Okay, I'm going to make sure topost that before then.
Speaker 2 (25:03):
Well, and if not, it's okay.
But it's a six month commitmentbecause it's like we're a small
cohort, we're going deep.
Speaker 1 (25:10):
We're doing a deep dive.
Speaker 2 (25:12):
It's very intimate and super transformational.
Speaker 1 (25:16):
I love that.
So, before we wrap up, alyssa,can you share what's next on
your horizon, any upcomingprojects or offerings you'd like
to share to our spiritualspotlight audience?
Speaker 2 (25:26):
Yeah, I think I mean just I'm pouring into the
podcast right now, honestly,because we just hit top 100 in
like multiple differentcountries for relationships, and
so I think just you know, gocheck that out.
If you hear something or if thepodcast speaks to you, send me
a DM, send me an email.
I love connecting with you guys.
(25:47):
That would be like my.
My huge ask is like go check itout, see if you like it, see if
it's the port.
Speaker 1 (25:54):
Subscribe, like and leave a review.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:56):
Yeah, seriously, I'm getting better at asking for
those things, well.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
Alyssa, thank you so so much for coming on the
spiritual spotlight series.
It was a pleasure to meet withyou and I definitely look
forward to talking to you againsoon, yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:10):
Awesome.
Thank you for watching Buhобрат.
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