February 15, 2023 • 35 mins
In today's podcast episode, #211, I discussed why confidence is a trigger for alcohol consumption and how it manifests in both short-term and long-term ways.
For example, a few days after a nasty hangover, you start to feel AMAZING in comparison. Your body has started to come back into balance. But rather than recognize this is because I'm NOT drinking. Your body and mind has associated natural pleasure with alcohol for so long, it thinks, I FEEL good, so it MUST be time for a drink
However, when we apply the 5 shifts process to this moment of confidence, it can lead to understanding more about your real needs are.
I also highlight the importance of being self-aware when it comes to the confidence trigger, and exploring the root cause of why one might feel confident in drinking again after an extended time away.
Through exploring this trigger, you can build new neural pathways and learn to meet their needs in a healthier and more fulfilling way.
- Understanding the confidence trigger is important in managing alcohol
- The confidence trigger can show up in short-term and long-term ways
- The moment of confidence is a moment of question and needs to be explored.
- People need to understand how they got to the place of confidence in the first place
- Understanding and exploring the origin of the confidence trigger holds the key to reprogramming the mind
- The addictive nature of alcohol needs to be acknowledged and the emotion needs to be allowed to surface in a safe and controlled environment
The present YOU, is ready for change.
It's simply the past version of you that needs to feel safe enough to let go.
Alcohol no longer fits the confident, proud version of yourself.
Using the 5 shifts process, you will align your perspectives with your values and achieve your desired outcomes.
Everything and more,
Mary
You’ve tried to cut back on drinking but nothing sticks, you're stuck in the cycle of confusion and convincing. One day you're motivated, the next you're telling yourself it's not that bad. What makes the difference isn’t more information—it’s having a new way to apply it. Click HERE to schedule your free consult to uncover the one thought that will change everything.
There Is A Life Beyond Moderation & Deprivation.
We Focus On What You Are Moving Towards, Not What You Are Moving Away From.
The Exhausting Trap Of Moderation Ends Now With My No Shame Approach Using The Proven Five Shifts Process. Follow the path of 100's of Women, Click HERE to join today!
DISCLAIMER: This podcast and its contents are not a substitute for rehabilitation, medical treatment or advice. It is for educational and inspirational purposes. I am not a therapist or doctor. The views here are expressed a personal opinion and based on first hand experience. Please consult a doctor if your mental or physical health is at risk.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
Do you ever feel like you'reoutgrowing alcohol, that you are
longing for a deeper connectionto life? If alcohol is keeping
you playing small and feels likethe one area, you just can't
figure out you are in the rightplace. Hi, my name is Mary
Wagstaff. I'm a Holistic alcoholcoach who ended a 20 year
relationship to alcohol withoutlabels, counting days or ever
(00:24):
making excuses. Now I helppowerful women just like you
eliminate their desire to drinkon their own terms. In this
podcast, we will explore therevolutionary approach of my
proven five shifts process thatgets alcohol out of your way by
breaking all of the rules andthe profound experience that it
is to rediscover who you are onthe other side of alcohol. I am
(00:48):
so thrilled to be your guide.
Welcome to your journey ofawakening. Welcome back to the
show my beautiful listeners.
It's Mary Wagstaff, I justwanted to welcome you in if this
is your first time you are inthe right place, this is where
all of the the party happens.
Last week, I talked about itbeing the beginning of year
four. And there's just somethingyou know, we live in spirals,
(01:11):
there's something that's reallyreinvigorated me about that is
these milestones of celebrationand, and just like what is my
point? What is my point here?
And really looking at what is mygoal for the show? What is my
goal for this work? And youknow, I am a human and things go
(01:35):
through their own cycles, right.
And so it's really important forall of us to just check in with
our intentions. And really, andI've talked so much about on the
podcast about devotion, justcheck in with what we're devoted
to in this in this. So temporaryEarth walk, how do we want to
spend our time. So I'm feelingreally just so pumped about
(01:58):
aligning my truth even more withthis messaging, my truth of
empowerment. And I may or maynot have talked about this, on
the show, I think I probablyhave at some point. But when I
first started coaching, Istarted as a women's empowerment
(02:19):
coach. I was teaching like mamababy yoga classes and doing
fitness classes and mindfulnessfor mostly for women. And create
I had to really start it waswhen I really started to create
space, create sacred space forpeople that they that they
(02:41):
wanted to come to, it was likekind of this a sanctuary, right.
And it was a way to connect witha part of themselves that they
they didn't have access to. Inother in other ways, or at least
they didn't, you know, maybefeel comfortable making that for
themselves. But our life is aceremony and if we can look at
(03:03):
it as such, there's so much moremagic in the mundane. But what I
will never forget declaringmyself as a women's empowerment
coach. And you know, I've alwaysreally lived a life a little bit
of a life less traveled. And alife where I didn't really ask
(03:24):
permission from anyone or worrytoo much about you know, they
the they out there. I've alwayskind of known that that was just
some hypothetical, like,suggestion from someone else,
probably some white guy, whitedude. And I was like, Yeah,
whatever. Fortunately, I had amother who is very independent.
(03:48):
And she definitely instilled mewith health, like, don't tell me
what to do kind of attitude. I'ma grown woman, I'm going to do
what I want when I want. And Idefinitely latched on to that.
And probably there's probablysomething in my, in my chart
that talks about that kind ofjust being a leader of my own
(04:09):
life. So it makes sense that Idiscovered the five shifts, like
I wasn't I wasn't about to letalcohol be the thing that kept
me back, right. And so much ofit. I just was talking about to
this about a client's like, howdid I even get here? It's like
we all just get hereunintentionally, because it's
(04:29):
the only tool that we have,right? We're the only tool we
think we have but when when weexplore it and when I help you
remember who you are and allpowerful creator that you
realize you have so much wisdomand we really amplify that part
of you that is aligned withalcohol freedom and how you see
(04:54):
the version of yourself If inthe future when like, like, how
do you want to see yourself whenalcohol is no longer a problem.
And I really, really like totake people to that place.
Because from there you havewisdom to tell yourself when
you're in a down when you're ina downward swing, right, because
(05:16):
we live in cycles and rhythms.
And so when you can be aware ofthat, and you're in a downswing,
and we really amplify that voiceof, you know, what does that
aligned version of yourself,tell this other version of
yourself when you're in adownswing? It's amazing what
(05:37):
comes through. There's like thisreally beautiful, wise, motherly
wisdom that lives inside all ofus. And this is the process, the
journey of awakening beyondalcohol is that process for you
of uncovering that. And so Ireally see this show as a as a
women's empowerment show, right?
And so I posted like a littlestory on Instagram, just saying
(06:00):
like, like, the beginning ofyear, four of the best women's
empowerment show on the planet.
I mean, that's how I see it, Isee this as a conversation that
not many people are havingthrough this lens. And I think
it's a really, I don't think itis one of the most important
(06:22):
conversations we can have.
Because our mental and emotionalhealth is literally how we
create everything that we seeeverything that we see on the
planet. And the way that werespond to our relationships, is
through the thoughts that we'rethinking and our ability to feel
emotions. And so when we drinkalcohol, and I just had this
(06:44):
conversation, too, there is a aninvalidation of your emotions,
and be a validation of thethoughts that have created, say,
the stress or the overwhelm, orthe worry, or the resentment or
the frustration, right. So thethoughts that you're thinking
(07:05):
that are like, Oh, my gosh,like, how could they do that to
me? Or what an asshole or oh mygosh, right, all of these
thoughts about the external thatare creating stress, resentment,
worry, fear, missing out, theyalso get reinforced as true. And
(07:25):
so you know, we're not bypassinganyone's bad behavior. That's
not what I'm saying. But a lotof times, we exaggerate things
in our mind, when there's anemotion in the body, that we're
not willing to feel when theemotion in the body kind of just
triggers us into this habitualnetwork of the brain, which most
(07:47):
of the time, we think that ifwe, if we change the external,
we think that our results arecoming, because life is
happening to us, right? Not thatlife is happening as us, right.
Like, this is like the fourthdimension of consciousness. And
so we're not just stopping atlike, how do I overcome an urge,
(08:09):
right? Like, will you overcomean urge by feeling the emotions
in your body, right and allowingyour body to relax and being
able to get your nervous systemback on line? A, B, you talk
compassionately to yourself andthen see, after you make some
space, and you have access tohigher states of consciousness
and wisdom, now you go in andsee like, well, what got me to
(08:31):
that place anyway, besides justthe chemical of alcohol. And so
usually, it's a thought thatwasn't true, it's an
interpretation or anexpectation, that wasn't a fact.
And it wasn't, even if it evenif the interpretation has some
validity to it, is there a wayof reinterpreting it or shifting
(08:55):
your expectation or shiftingyour perspective in a way that's
actually going to serve you? Sothe way we're relating to our
children's, our spouse, or ouremployers, our friends, right?
The way we're relating to theweather or to the traffic or to
any number of things that ruffleour feathers?
(09:15):
Your thoughts about them are foryou. And for you only being
pissed off at someone doesn't,like, hurt them, it hurts you
more than it hurts them, right?
Or it hurts everyone, and thenyou say nasty things. And then
so when you drink, you compound,the emotion that you're feeling,
and you validate that thought astrue. And then that whole cycle
just continues to getreinforced. But through the five
(09:38):
shifts process, we take a stepback and we take a U turn
inward, to take personalresponsibility literally for
everything in our lives. Right.
And we become our capacity tomove through scary things that
are full in service of our truthbecome so much greater right
(10:00):
like taking a risk taking a leapof faith, investing our time
investing our money leavingrelationships. Not being in, you
know, saying the hard thing,learning how to have
conversations. And that is whatthat is why this is about
(10:21):
women's empowerment. This is allof the tools that we need to
live full, vibrant, beautifullives, even with the fluctuation
of emotion, right. And so, whatI'm teaching you and what I'm
teaching my clients is learning.
And what I'm still teachingmyself, it's a never ending
process. Like as I go, and Ichallenge myself and go through
(10:42):
new phases of my life, like I'mconstantly evolving. And so
there's new ways, there's newthoughts that I have to remind
myself of, are just thoughts.
And I have to meet that thatversion of myself that's scared
or insecure with that version ofme that's wise and knows, right
but and that can take a few fewshots at it. But when we're
(11:05):
reinforcing that over and overand over again, the empowerment
and the confidence that alcoholis like, getting in the way of
meeting your own needs, it justbecomes so obvious. And it's
actually, instead of likethinking we're missing out, if
we don't drink, we realize thatwe're missing out when we do
(11:27):
drink, right. And so teachingyou how to meet your own needs,
that alcohol is not the one stopshop, one size fits all for your
needs. Because in the end, it'sactually meeting any of your
needs. It's actuallyinvalidating your needs. And
dissociating you fromremembering again, you know who
(11:49):
you are. So today. Oh, my gosh,you guys seriously, I want to
tell you this on Apple podcast,I just have to say this. So I
asked for a favor for I get alot of downloads on these
episodes, it would be like ifevery single person put a
(12:10):
review, not just five stars, butan actual review and the five
stars. This would blow upplease, I'm really asking you,
it'll mean so much to me. Youcan change your name and Apple
podcasts if you don't want thatto be your name. So you can
change your name when you go toleave and write a review. The
(12:31):
reason that that is so powerfuland important is because this is
women's empowerment work and whorun the world. Girls, right? We
are the change makers, we arethe powerful ones. We are the
ones that can see the bigpicture, right? We are not the
ones starting the wars, we arenot the ones assaulting people.
(12:57):
So the more women that areempowered, knowing how to stand
up for what they believe inknowing that they don't need
alcohol anymore, and thatthey're ready to let it go. And
that they're ready to buildtheir inner resilience and that
we can create a community oftrust, right and have these
conversations openly. That iswhat this podcast is all about
(13:21):
is demystify, unapologeticallyhaving a conversation about
like, yeah, of course, I'maddicted to alcohol. I've been
drinking a drug every day for 20years. Like duh, right? Like,
it's like a no brainer. That whywe can't have that conversation.
I mean, if you can laugh aboutbeing hungover, you should be
(13:42):
able to laugh about like, Yeah,I've been drinking this drug for
20 years. Like if you'rehungover, it's because you've
been poisoned, right? Like thatis essentially what's happened.
So like, but it's not a bigdeal, right? Like you're alive,
we survived. We do drugs, peopledo drugs, it's just part of like
humanity since the beginning oftime people do drugs, we're
curious, but with alcohol beingsocially acceptable, and it's
(14:06):
like you can still function onit right? It's not like some
other drugs that you really loseyour grip on reality. It sticks
around. So please, please,please pause this episode right
now. And all you have to do isscroll down to where it says
write a review. You can changeyour name you can put in any
name you want. It would mean somuch to me and subscribe and
(14:30):
share this right share this withsomeone and like be unapologetic
about it. I did an interviewwith this woman. I can't
remember the name of her podcastright now. But she was talking
like I did an interview withher. She was openly talking
about drinking. She was like Iloved Mary's podcast. It really
gave me food for thought my hergoal for the new year was a no
(14:53):
hangover New Year. Right butwhen I was talking to her about
when we started to talk moreabout Like, the importance of
alcohol and like, how does thateven limit you? And when you
know, and she was like fullyunapologetically Yeah, I drink
to relieve stress, like, yeah, Idrink to meet my emotional
needs. And I think we, we do soit's like, let's just, that's
(15:15):
the first step like is drop theshame and the making it so
taboo, right? Like it's not, oh,I'm just enjoying a glass of
wine. No, like you're having aglass of wine because your body
is anticipating a glass of wine.
And it's gonna have an immediatereduction of like, let let down,
right? Like, because it'santicipating the why. Right? So
(15:37):
whether you drink one or 10, itdoesn't matter. So let's just
have more of this conversation,right? It's going to be so
beneficial for everyone. Anddoing some props for me, because
I just bring this to ad free allthe time. It's great. I mean, I
love it. And I love that you'rehere. Okay. We are here to talk
(16:00):
about the competence trigger.
And it's actually quite a short.
You know, understanding,basically, confidence is a
trigger. And there's two,there's two ways that this shows
up. It's like a short term and along term. So when you've had
(16:22):
alcohol out of your way for along time, and things are like
you're feeling really good aboutmanaging it. So I've seen it in
two ways, when you're just fullyfeeling good about managing it.
It's like, Oh, I know how to dothis. So I can, of course, I can
(16:42):
have a drink, because I'll knowhow to I've known how to get
here, right? I've known how toget alcohol out of my way, for a
long time not having urges everyday, I'm having cravings every
day, I'm doing all of thisstuff. And there is this moment
in time. Usually, that is maybeout of the ordinary. Maybe
(17:05):
you're seeing someone youhaven't seen in a while maybe
it's a vacation, maybe it's it'ssomething that you haven't yet
experienced alcohol free, or youhave some unmet need that isn't
amplified often. Maybe it's youknow, I talked about this in the
sacred rebellion episode. It'sthis need to kind of like, let
(17:27):
loose and the weather changes,and it's summer, right? And it's
like, ooh, like, Could I shootlike, yeah, like, Of course I
can. It's just one drink, right?
But that moment of confidence isthe moment of question. And
(17:47):
really, they're there. They'reboth similar. But the reason
that you got to that place isbecause you haven't been
drinking, right? And so this issomething that you really need
to be on to yourself about. Now,I'm not saying because in my
(18:10):
program, it happens where peoplehave a confidence trigger, or
it's or a curiosity triggersometimes. But a lot of times,
it's just that it's like, I'm, Idid great all week, the same
kind of thing. Or it's been acouple of months. And it's not
like you're falling off thewagon, right, which that term is
(18:32):
kind of silly, because whenwe're working one on one
together, you're you have grownyour level of awareness enough
that you're using the fiveshifts, so you're being curious,
and then we're talking about itbecause it's like, obviously a
no judgment zone over here. Sowhen you come back, and it's
like, oh, no, nothing changed.
It was exactly the same. I'venever had anyone that hasn't
(18:56):
been drinking for an extendedperiod of time, had a drink, and
was like, Oh, that was great.
That was exactly what I washoping for. Never not one time,
right? Or like, Nope, it wasexactly the same. It didn't even
do what it used to do.
(19:16):
Very quickly, they they realizethat, right? And because most
people don't just go from likenot drinking for extended
periods of time to like, allout, especially if they're in
the program. It's like oneglass. So they don't necessarily
feel like the effects of it. Andthen they think that like maybe
(19:37):
they can do it one more time.
And then one more time untilthey start to think about it
again, because of its addictivenature. Right. And my whole
perspective is how did you getto that place of confidence to
begin with As. And that is whereyou need to explore. That is a
(20:02):
place that holds all of themagic, all of the medicine, all
of the you growing your capacityto be able to meet your needs in
a new way. And that might justbe feeling the sensations of
resistance, that might just be aneural pathway that's been
(20:25):
triggered because of thechemical of alcohol, or if
you've experienced it with othersubstances. And in order to
reprogram your mind, you need tobe willing to allow the emotion
to surface and to feel it andknow that nothing's happening
(20:47):
and not reinforce it. And theneventually, you take that pivot
point of, of building a newpathway, and it goes away. This,
this has has had happened to mea couple of times being alcohol
free for an extended period oftime. And like, because I'm a
party girl, like I love to goout and dance, especially when I
(21:11):
was I being isolated duringCOVID. And then, you know, being
up in the mountains, and reallyfeeling like, I need to get the
f out of here, right like thatcabin fever. And the only way I
had known how to do that in myadult body was through alcohol,
(21:32):
right? The only way that'swhatever that's very specific
scenario was that very specificthought pattern, that very
specific vibration in my body.
But the truth was, is I wasn'tborn with that, right. And I
knew that. So it was my job tobuild the new neural pathway. So
(21:56):
that when that specific scenarioand circumstance came up again,
I had, I didn't, it didn't leadto a thought about alcohol, or
even like a bit of a desire inmy body. Right, it was now
reprogrammed, because I was socurious and so conscious about
(22:17):
it's like, this is this is kindof from nowhere, right? And so I
when I'm finished working withmy clients, this is something
after seeing it, that I youknow, it's not like you want to
wait and be terrified of thishappening. But it is something
to know that if you take a breakfrom alcohol, be on you know, be
(22:38):
aware of the competence trigger,okay, and examine it and
understand what you are seeking,what is the need that you have,
that you want to fulfill,because you want to associate it
with something new? Right? Forme, oftentimes, that's been a
(22:59):
trip on my own. Now I dance, itoften just means I need
community and to be aroundpeople for me, right? So I have
different ways of engaging withthat. So knowing and seeing
yourself in that place of fullalignment, when you're when
(23:27):
you're not triggered, right?
When you're just feeling likeamazing, and you're not
drinking, you're like I'm soglad that I'm doing this. And
kind of future focusing on thatversion of yourself that is will
inevitably be like, I can justenjoy one drink. Right? And
yeah, like, you could just haveone drink. But why? Why are you
feeling like so good in yourbody. Now, this also happens in
(23:52):
the short term. When you havebeen down and out for sometimes
a couple of days for people, andshame and guilt and regret and
hangover and just the the lightis dim. And you are not in
alignment with yourself. You'reembarrassed and like you feel
(24:16):
like you're in the dumps, right?
There's a few reasons for that,obviously, the chemical
imbalance but the whole processof over drinking and drinking
too much and even drinking a fewjust a couple of drinks, even if
you remember everything. But ifyou've really like blacked out
(24:39):
not had you know, and there wasmaybe some situations that that
didn't turn out the way youwanted them to. It's really
taking you further away frombeing in alignment with who you
are innately, your values,what's important to you how you
(25:00):
Your integrity, right how yourepresented yourself. And all of
that is, is showing yousomething, right, it's showing
you that this thing puts me in aplace that is not in alignment
any which way with who with howI want to be right. But the
body, the human body and thehuman brain are amazing things.
(25:23):
And then slowly, you start tofeel better. And you start to
feel so good, because you weredown so low that you feel even
higher than you did before. Andthat feel good feeling in your
body has been associated so manytimes with alcohol, that it
(25:45):
tells you that now the coast isclear, and things are safe. So
this is kind of a short termconfidence trigger. Because the
you were so low that you feel somuch better. The contrast is so
stark, right? And the happy,like the and this could actually
(26:07):
happen also like, even if you'reeven if you weren't that low,
but you say you are really proudof yourself, because you just
got through a really busy week,it's a Friday, you got a lot of
stuff done. You're just alsolike really proud and just
confident about how living yourlife, right like living your
(26:27):
best life. My inquiry to you is,what is that feel like in your
body? What is the embodiment ofcompetence in that moment. And
to me, it's like radiance,there's, there's energy flowing
(26:50):
through you, there's no blocks,there's no blocks at all. But
that energy has been correlatedand associated with alcohol. So
it triggers an anticipatoryfeeling. But what I want you to
do is go underneath that feelingof anticipation. And just
connect with a part of youthat's radiate, connect with a
(27:12):
part of you that feels goodconnect with a part of you that
feels confident and just askfrom a place of curiosity, why
would I want to alter this?
Right? Now part of you that'sassociated with alcohol is going
to think it's going to enhanceit, right. But then I want you
to kind of fast forward to whatis enhancement really mean,
(27:40):
right? You're not enhancing theradiance, you're not enhancing
the confidence, you'retriggering a synthetic pleasure
response. And what that does isit actually dissociates you from
that feeling of radiance andconfidence in your body, it
doesn't embody you you're notmore in your body, it actually
(28:00):
takes you further away from yourbody. So it only enhances that
anticipatory feeling that'sactually on top of the radiant
confident feeling. So this isreally, really, really important
for you to understand is thatthere's always an emotion
underneath the desire to drink,right? And now at in your life,
(28:24):
you've associated mostly everysingle emotion with your desire
to drink. And that's why you areoverwhelmed and consumed with a
mind.
You're overwhelmed by a mindconsumed by alcohol, right?
Because as a human being, youare experiencing emotions all
(28:47):
day, every day. And when most ofthose have been associated with
alcohol, now, every single thingyou do you associate with
alcohol, okay? So your job thisweek, especially if you're
feeling that confidence triggeris to go a layer deeper, see if
you can recognize that desire asits own thing, and then what's
(29:13):
underneath that, because that iswhat that that is you that is
the layer of who you really are.
But we need to sever those ties,we need to sever the ties of
that vibration in your body,being associating being
associated with alcohol and thentriggering another vibration in
your body, which is the desireand the yearning to drink. And
(29:36):
that is what creates you thinkis going to amplify the way that
you feel. But it's somethingthat's on top of it and it's not
required, right. So what youknow, and I'll just say this
final piece is that themoderation myth is well if I
could just really work on On,like disciplining myself to just
(30:00):
have to because I know I can doit in other like, and other
times, but whenever I go out, Ialways kind of go off the deep
end or whatever it is for you,it's different for everyone. You
just have to ask yourself, do Iwant my emotions to always be
associated with alcohol? Becauselike, you can totally do that.
(30:23):
But you're always still going tohave to manage it. Right? And
that's up to you. And then mydeeper question for like, the
piece of empowerment isremembering who you are, when
alcohol is not important, likewho is that person? Don't you
want to know who that person is?
(30:43):
Don't you want to know what whatthe how the importance of
alcohol and the role that it'splayed in your life, how it has
impacted every area of yourlife, and we're going to talk
about that next week. Actually,the subtle impact, the subtle
impact of the web of alcohol.
You are gorgeous, you areamazing. Don't forget to go to
(31:06):
Apple podcasts and leave areview if you want to take this
work deeper. Also, there's thefree training on my website. And
it's also in the show notes.
It's going to give you a wildshift in perspective. I think
you're amazing. And I want youto remember again, everything
that you want is also wantingyou you are just one shift in
(31:31):
perspective, away from livingthe life of your dreams and from
really stepping in to thatpowerful, powerful place of
deciding to put yourself firstto get every single result that
you want in your life. Have anamazing day. Hi, it's Mary
(31:53):
Wagstaff. I want to personallyinvite you to spend one hour
with me one on one. Because youdeserve to know what's holding
you back is your time. Alcoholhas had its fair share. We're
gonna talk about possibilitiesabout how to align your thoughts
and actions with your dreams andwhat matters most to you about
(32:14):
why alcohol is no longer suitedfor the life you want to live.
How you can get on the fasttrack to freedom from alcohol
and stay there withoutdeprivation. Follow the link in
the show notes or on my websiteMary Wagstaff coach.com To
schedule your complimentary calland get a new perspective on an
old habit.
Do you ever feel like you'reoutgrowing alcohol, that you are
longing for a deeper connectionto life? If alcohol is keeping
you playing small and feels likethe one area, you just can't
figure out you are in the rightplace. Hi, my name is Mary
Wagstaff. I'm a Holistic alcoholcoach who ended a 20 year
relationship to alcohol withoutlabels, counting days or ever
(00:24):
making excuses. Now I helppowerful women just like you
eliminate their desire to drinkon their own terms. In this
podcast, we will explore therevolutionary approach of my
proven five shifts process thatgets alcohol out of your way by
breaking all of the rules andthe profound experience that it
is to rediscover who you are onthe other side of alcohol. I am
(00:48):
so thrilled to be your guide.
Welcome to your journey ofawakening. Welcome back to the
show my beautiful listeners.
It's Mary Wagstaff, I justwanted to welcome you in if this
is your first time you are inthe right place, this is where
all of the the party happens.
Last week, I talked about itbeing the beginning of year
four. And there's just somethingyou know, we live in spirals,
(01:11):
there's something that's reallyreinvigorated me about that is
these milestones of celebrationand, and just like what is my
point? What is my point here?
And really looking at what is mygoal for the show? What is my
goal for this work? And youknow, I am a human and things go
(01:35):
through their own cycles, right.
And so it's really important forall of us to just check in with
our intentions. And really, andI've talked so much about on the
podcast about devotion, justcheck in with what we're devoted
to in this in this. So temporaryEarth walk, how do we want to
spend our time. So I'm feelingreally just so pumped about
(01:58):
aligning my truth even more withthis messaging, my truth of
empowerment. And I may or maynot have talked about this, on
the show, I think I probablyhave at some point. But when I
first started coaching, Istarted as a women's empowerment
(02:19):
coach. I was teaching like mamababy yoga classes and doing
fitness classes and mindfulnessfor mostly for women. And create
I had to really start it waswhen I really started to create
space, create sacred space forpeople that they that they
(02:41):
wanted to come to, it was likekind of this a sanctuary, right.
And it was a way to connect witha part of themselves that they
they didn't have access to. Inother in other ways, or at least
they didn't, you know, maybefeel comfortable making that for
themselves. But our life is aceremony and if we can look at
(03:03):
it as such, there's so much moremagic in the mundane. But what I
will never forget declaringmyself as a women's empowerment
coach. And you know, I've alwaysreally lived a life a little bit
of a life less traveled. And alife where I didn't really ask
(03:24):
permission from anyone or worrytoo much about you know, they
the they out there. I've alwayskind of known that that was just
some hypothetical, like,suggestion from someone else,
probably some white guy, whitedude. And I was like, Yeah,
whatever. Fortunately, I had amother who is very independent.
(03:48):
And she definitely instilled mewith health, like, don't tell me
what to do kind of attitude. I'ma grown woman, I'm going to do
what I want when I want. And Idefinitely latched on to that.
And probably there's probablysomething in my, in my chart
that talks about that kind ofjust being a leader of my own
(04:09):
life. So it makes sense that Idiscovered the five shifts, like
I wasn't I wasn't about to letalcohol be the thing that kept
me back, right. And so much ofit. I just was talking about to
this about a client's like, howdid I even get here? It's like
we all just get hereunintentionally, because it's
(04:29):
the only tool that we have,right? We're the only tool we
think we have but when when weexplore it and when I help you
remember who you are and allpowerful creator that you
realize you have so much wisdomand we really amplify that part
of you that is aligned withalcohol freedom and how you see
(04:54):
the version of yourself If inthe future when like, like, how
do you want to see yourself whenalcohol is no longer a problem.
And I really, really like totake people to that place.
Because from there you havewisdom to tell yourself when
you're in a down when you're ina downward swing, right, because
(05:16):
we live in cycles and rhythms.
And so when you can be aware ofthat, and you're in a downswing,
and we really amplify that voiceof, you know, what does that
aligned version of yourself,tell this other version of
yourself when you're in adownswing? It's amazing what
(05:37):
comes through. There's like thisreally beautiful, wise, motherly
wisdom that lives inside all ofus. And this is the process, the
journey of awakening beyondalcohol is that process for you
of uncovering that. And so Ireally see this show as a as a
women's empowerment show, right?
And so I posted like a littlestory on Instagram, just saying
(06:00):
like, like, the beginning ofyear, four of the best women's
empowerment show on the planet.
I mean, that's how I see it, Isee this as a conversation that
not many people are havingthrough this lens. And I think
it's a really, I don't think itis one of the most important
(06:22):
conversations we can have.
Because our mental and emotionalhealth is literally how we
create everything that we seeeverything that we see on the
planet. And the way that werespond to our relationships, is
through the thoughts that we'rethinking and our ability to feel
emotions. And so when we drinkalcohol, and I just had this
(06:44):
conversation, too, there is a aninvalidation of your emotions,
and be a validation of thethoughts that have created, say,
the stress or the overwhelm, orthe worry, or the resentment or
the frustration, right. So thethoughts that you're thinking
(07:05):
that are like, Oh, my gosh,like, how could they do that to
me? Or what an asshole or oh mygosh, right, all of these
thoughts about the external thatare creating stress, resentment,
worry, fear, missing out, theyalso get reinforced as true. And
(07:25):
so you know, we're not bypassinganyone's bad behavior. That's
not what I'm saying. But a lotof times, we exaggerate things
in our mind, when there's anemotion in the body, that we're
not willing to feel when theemotion in the body kind of just
triggers us into this habitualnetwork of the brain, which most
(07:47):
of the time, we think that ifwe, if we change the external,
we think that our results arecoming, because life is
happening to us, right? Not thatlife is happening as us, right.
Like, this is like the fourthdimension of consciousness. And
so we're not just stopping atlike, how do I overcome an urge,
(08:09):
right? Like, will you overcomean urge by feeling the emotions
in your body, right and allowingyour body to relax and being
able to get your nervous systemback on line? A, B, you talk
compassionately to yourself andthen see, after you make some
space, and you have access tohigher states of consciousness
and wisdom, now you go in andsee like, well, what got me to
(08:31):
that place anyway, besides justthe chemical of alcohol. And so
usually, it's a thought thatwasn't true, it's an
interpretation or anexpectation, that wasn't a fact.
And it wasn't, even if it evenif the interpretation has some
validity to it, is there a wayof reinterpreting it or shifting
(08:55):
your expectation or shiftingyour perspective in a way that's
actually going to serve you? Sothe way we're relating to our
children's, our spouse, or ouremployers, our friends, right?
The way we're relating to theweather or to the traffic or to
any number of things that ruffleour feathers?
(09:15):
Your thoughts about them are foryou. And for you only being
pissed off at someone doesn't,like, hurt them, it hurts you
more than it hurts them, right?
Or it hurts everyone, and thenyou say nasty things. And then
so when you drink, you compound,the emotion that you're feeling,
and you validate that thought astrue. And then that whole cycle
just continues to getreinforced. But through the five
(09:38):
shifts process, we take a stepback and we take a U turn
inward, to take personalresponsibility literally for
everything in our lives. Right.
And we become our capacity tomove through scary things that
are full in service of our truthbecome so much greater right
(10:00):
like taking a risk taking a leapof faith, investing our time
investing our money leavingrelationships. Not being in, you
know, saying the hard thing,learning how to have
conversations. And that is whatthat is why this is about
(10:21):
women's empowerment. This is allof the tools that we need to
live full, vibrant, beautifullives, even with the fluctuation
of emotion, right. And so, whatI'm teaching you and what I'm
teaching my clients is learning.
And what I'm still teachingmyself, it's a never ending
process. Like as I go, and Ichallenge myself and go through
(10:42):
new phases of my life, like I'mconstantly evolving. And so
there's new ways, there's newthoughts that I have to remind
myself of, are just thoughts.
And I have to meet that thatversion of myself that's scared
or insecure with that version ofme that's wise and knows, right
but and that can take a few fewshots at it. But when we're
(11:05):
reinforcing that over and overand over again, the empowerment
and the confidence that alcoholis like, getting in the way of
meeting your own needs, it justbecomes so obvious. And it's
actually, instead of likethinking we're missing out, if
we don't drink, we realize thatwe're missing out when we do
(11:27):
drink, right. And so teachingyou how to meet your own needs,
that alcohol is not the one stopshop, one size fits all for your
needs. Because in the end, it'sactually meeting any of your
needs. It's actuallyinvalidating your needs. And
dissociating you fromremembering again, you know who
(11:49):
you are. So today. Oh, my gosh,you guys seriously, I want to
tell you this on Apple podcast,I just have to say this. So I
asked for a favor for I get alot of downloads on these
episodes, it would be like ifevery single person put a
(12:10):
review, not just five stars, butan actual review and the five
stars. This would blow upplease, I'm really asking you,
it'll mean so much to me. Youcan change your name and Apple
podcasts if you don't want thatto be your name. So you can
change your name when you go toleave and write a review. The
(12:31):
reason that that is so powerfuland important is because this is
women's empowerment work and whorun the world. Girls, right? We
are the change makers, we arethe powerful ones. We are the
ones that can see the bigpicture, right? We are not the
ones starting the wars, we arenot the ones assaulting people.
(12:57):
So the more women that areempowered, knowing how to stand
up for what they believe inknowing that they don't need
alcohol anymore, and thatthey're ready to let it go. And
that they're ready to buildtheir inner resilience and that
we can create a community oftrust, right and have these
conversations openly. That iswhat this podcast is all about
(13:21):
is demystify, unapologeticallyhaving a conversation about
like, yeah, of course, I'maddicted to alcohol. I've been
drinking a drug every day for 20years. Like duh, right? Like,
it's like a no brainer. That whywe can't have that conversation.
I mean, if you can laugh aboutbeing hungover, you should be
(13:42):
able to laugh about like, Yeah,I've been drinking this drug for
20 years. Like if you'rehungover, it's because you've
been poisoned, right? Like thatis essentially what's happened.
So like, but it's not a bigdeal, right? Like you're alive,
we survived. We do drugs, peopledo drugs, it's just part of like
humanity since the beginning oftime people do drugs, we're
curious, but with alcohol beingsocially acceptable, and it's
(14:06):
like you can still function onit right? It's not like some
other drugs that you really loseyour grip on reality. It sticks
around. So please, please,please pause this episode right
now. And all you have to do isscroll down to where it says
write a review. You can changeyour name you can put in any
name you want. It would mean somuch to me and subscribe and
(14:30):
share this right share this withsomeone and like be unapologetic
about it. I did an interviewwith this woman. I can't
remember the name of her podcastright now. But she was talking
like I did an interview withher. She was openly talking
about drinking. She was like Iloved Mary's podcast. It really
gave me food for thought my hergoal for the new year was a no
(14:53):
hangover New Year. Right butwhen I was talking to her about
when we started to talk moreabout Like, the importance of
alcohol and like, how does thateven limit you? And when you
know, and she was like fullyunapologetically Yeah, I drink
to relieve stress, like, yeah, Idrink to meet my emotional
needs. And I think we, we do soit's like, let's just, that's
(15:15):
the first step like is drop theshame and the making it so
taboo, right? Like it's not, oh,I'm just enjoying a glass of
wine. No, like you're having aglass of wine because your body
is anticipating a glass of wine.
And it's gonna have an immediatereduction of like, let let down,
right? Like, because it'santicipating the why. Right? So
(15:37):
whether you drink one or 10, itdoesn't matter. So let's just
have more of this conversation,right? It's going to be so
beneficial for everyone. Anddoing some props for me, because
I just bring this to ad free allthe time. It's great. I mean, I
love it. And I love that you'rehere. Okay. We are here to talk
(16:00):
about the competence trigger.
And it's actually quite a short.
You know, understanding,basically, confidence is a
trigger. And there's two,there's two ways that this shows
up. It's like a short term and along term. So when you've had
(16:22):
alcohol out of your way for along time, and things are like
you're feeling really good aboutmanaging it. So I've seen it in
two ways, when you're just fullyfeeling good about managing it.
It's like, Oh, I know how to dothis. So I can, of course, I can
(16:42):
have a drink, because I'll knowhow to I've known how to get
here, right? I've known how toget alcohol out of my way, for a
long time not having urges everyday, I'm having cravings every
day, I'm doing all of thisstuff. And there is this moment
in time. Usually, that is maybeout of the ordinary. Maybe
(17:05):
you're seeing someone youhaven't seen in a while maybe
it's a vacation, maybe it's it'ssomething that you haven't yet
experienced alcohol free, or youhave some unmet need that isn't
amplified often. Maybe it's youknow, I talked about this in the
sacred rebellion episode. It'sthis need to kind of like, let
(17:27):
loose and the weather changes,and it's summer, right? And it's
like, ooh, like, Could I shootlike, yeah, like, Of course I
can. It's just one drink, right?
But that moment of confidence isthe moment of question. And
(17:47):
really, they're there. They'reboth similar. But the reason
that you got to that place isbecause you haven't been
drinking, right? And so this issomething that you really need
to be on to yourself about. Now,I'm not saying because in my
(18:10):
program, it happens where peoplehave a confidence trigger, or
it's or a curiosity triggersometimes. But a lot of times,
it's just that it's like, I'm, Idid great all week, the same
kind of thing. Or it's been acouple of months. And it's not
like you're falling off thewagon, right, which that term is
(18:32):
kind of silly, because whenwe're working one on one
together, you're you have grownyour level of awareness enough
that you're using the fiveshifts, so you're being curious,
and then we're talking about itbecause it's like, obviously a
no judgment zone over here. Sowhen you come back, and it's
like, oh, no, nothing changed.
It was exactly the same. I'venever had anyone that hasn't
(18:56):
been drinking for an extendedperiod of time, had a drink, and
was like, Oh, that was great.
That was exactly what I washoping for. Never not one time,
right? Or like, Nope, it wasexactly the same. It didn't even
do what it used to do.
(19:16):
Very quickly, they they realizethat, right? And because most
people don't just go from likenot drinking for extended
periods of time to like, allout, especially if they're in
the program. It's like oneglass. So they don't necessarily
feel like the effects of it. Andthen they think that like maybe
(19:37):
they can do it one more time.
And then one more time untilthey start to think about it
again, because of its addictivenature. Right. And my whole
perspective is how did you getto that place of confidence to
begin with As. And that is whereyou need to explore. That is a
(20:02):
place that holds all of themagic, all of the medicine, all
of the you growing your capacityto be able to meet your needs in
a new way. And that might justbe feeling the sensations of
resistance, that might just be aneural pathway that's been
(20:25):
triggered because of thechemical of alcohol, or if
you've experienced it with othersubstances. And in order to
reprogram your mind, you need tobe willing to allow the emotion
to surface and to feel it andknow that nothing's happening
(20:47):
and not reinforce it. And theneventually, you take that pivot
point of, of building a newpathway, and it goes away. This,
this has has had happened to mea couple of times being alcohol
free for an extended period oftime. And like, because I'm a
party girl, like I love to goout and dance, especially when I
(21:11):
was I being isolated duringCOVID. And then, you know, being
up in the mountains, and reallyfeeling like, I need to get the
f out of here, right like thatcabin fever. And the only way I
had known how to do that in myadult body was through alcohol,
(21:32):
right? The only way that'swhatever that's very specific
scenario was that very specificthought pattern, that very
specific vibration in my body.
But the truth was, is I wasn'tborn with that, right. And I
knew that. So it was my job tobuild the new neural pathway. So
(21:56):
that when that specific scenarioand circumstance came up again,
I had, I didn't, it didn't leadto a thought about alcohol, or
even like a bit of a desire inmy body. Right, it was now
reprogrammed, because I was socurious and so conscious about
(22:17):
it's like, this is this is kindof from nowhere, right? And so I
when I'm finished working withmy clients, this is something
after seeing it, that I youknow, it's not like you want to
wait and be terrified of thishappening. But it is something
to know that if you take a breakfrom alcohol, be on you know, be
(22:38):
aware of the competence trigger,okay, and examine it and
understand what you are seeking,what is the need that you have,
that you want to fulfill,because you want to associate it
with something new? Right? Forme, oftentimes, that's been a
(22:59):
trip on my own. Now I dance, itoften just means I need
community and to be aroundpeople for me, right? So I have
different ways of engaging withthat. So knowing and seeing
yourself in that place of fullalignment, when you're when
(23:27):
you're not triggered, right?
When you're just feeling likeamazing, and you're not
drinking, you're like I'm soglad that I'm doing this. And
kind of future focusing on thatversion of yourself that is will
inevitably be like, I can justenjoy one drink. Right? And
yeah, like, you could just haveone drink. But why? Why are you
feeling like so good in yourbody. Now, this also happens in
(23:52):
the short term. When you havebeen down and out for sometimes
a couple of days for people, andshame and guilt and regret and
hangover and just the the lightis dim. And you are not in
alignment with yourself. You'reembarrassed and like you feel
(24:16):
like you're in the dumps, right?
There's a few reasons for that,obviously, the chemical
imbalance but the whole processof over drinking and drinking
too much and even drinking a fewjust a couple of drinks, even if
you remember everything. But ifyou've really like blacked out
(24:39):
not had you know, and there wasmaybe some situations that that
didn't turn out the way youwanted them to. It's really
taking you further away frombeing in alignment with who you
are innately, your values,what's important to you how you
(25:00):
Your integrity, right how yourepresented yourself. And all of
that is, is showing yousomething, right, it's showing
you that this thing puts me in aplace that is not in alignment
any which way with who with howI want to be right. But the
body, the human body and thehuman brain are amazing things.
(25:23):
And then slowly, you start tofeel better. And you start to
feel so good, because you weredown so low that you feel even
higher than you did before. Andthat feel good feeling in your
body has been associated so manytimes with alcohol, that it
(25:45):
tells you that now the coast isclear, and things are safe. So
this is kind of a short termconfidence trigger. Because the
you were so low that you feel somuch better. The contrast is so
stark, right? And the happy,like the and this could actually
(26:07):
happen also like, even if you'reeven if you weren't that low,
but you say you are really proudof yourself, because you just
got through a really busy week,it's a Friday, you got a lot of
stuff done. You're just alsolike really proud and just
confident about how living yourlife, right like living your
(26:27):
best life. My inquiry to you is,what is that feel like in your
body? What is the embodiment ofcompetence in that moment. And
to me, it's like radiance,there's, there's energy flowing
(26:50):
through you, there's no blocks,there's no blocks at all. But
that energy has been correlatedand associated with alcohol. So
it triggers an anticipatoryfeeling. But what I want you to
do is go underneath that feelingof anticipation. And just
connect with a part of youthat's radiate, connect with a
(27:12):
part of you that feels goodconnect with a part of you that
feels confident and just askfrom a place of curiosity, why
would I want to alter this?
Right? Now part of you that'sassociated with alcohol is going
to think it's going to enhanceit, right. But then I want you
to kind of fast forward to whatis enhancement really mean,
(27:40):
right? You're not enhancing theradiance, you're not enhancing
the confidence, you'retriggering a synthetic pleasure
response. And what that does isit actually dissociates you from
that feeling of radiance andconfidence in your body, it
doesn't embody you you're notmore in your body, it actually
(28:00):
takes you further away from yourbody. So it only enhances that
anticipatory feeling that'sactually on top of the radiant
confident feeling. So this isreally, really, really important
for you to understand is thatthere's always an emotion
underneath the desire to drink,right? And now at in your life,
(28:24):
you've associated mostly everysingle emotion with your desire
to drink. And that's why you areoverwhelmed and consumed with a
mind.
You're overwhelmed by a mindconsumed by alcohol, right?
Because as a human being, youare experiencing emotions all
(28:47):
day, every day. And when most ofthose have been associated with
alcohol, now, every single thingyou do you associate with
alcohol, okay? So your job thisweek, especially if you're
feeling that confidence triggeris to go a layer deeper, see if
you can recognize that desire asits own thing, and then what's
(29:13):
underneath that, because that iswhat that that is you that is
the layer of who you really are.
But we need to sever those ties,we need to sever the ties of
that vibration in your body,being associating being
associated with alcohol and thentriggering another vibration in
your body, which is the desireand the yearning to drink. And
(29:36):
that is what creates you thinkis going to amplify the way that
you feel. But it's somethingthat's on top of it and it's not
required, right. So what youknow, and I'll just say this
final piece is that themoderation myth is well if I
could just really work on On,like disciplining myself to just
(30:00):
have to because I know I can doit in other like, and other
times, but whenever I go out, Ialways kind of go off the deep
end or whatever it is for you,it's different for everyone. You
just have to ask yourself, do Iwant my emotions to always be
associated with alcohol? Becauselike, you can totally do that.
(30:23):
But you're always still going tohave to manage it. Right? And
that's up to you. And then mydeeper question for like, the
piece of empowerment isremembering who you are, when
alcohol is not important, likewho is that person? Don't you
want to know who that person is?
(30:43):
Don't you want to know what whatthe how the importance of
alcohol and the role that it'splayed in your life, how it has
impacted every area of yourlife, and we're going to talk
about that next week. Actually,the subtle impact, the subtle
impact of the web of alcohol.
You are gorgeous, you areamazing. Don't forget to go to
(31:06):
Apple podcasts and leave areview if you want to take this
work deeper. Also, there's thefree training on my website. And
it's also in the show notes.
It's going to give you a wildshift in perspective. I think
you're amazing. And I want youto remember again, everything
that you want is also wantingyou you are just one shift in
(31:31):
perspective, away from livingthe life of your dreams and from
really stepping in to thatpowerful, powerful place of
deciding to put yourself firstto get every single result that
you want in your life. Have anamazing day. Hi, it's Mary
(31:53):
Wagstaff. I want to personallyinvite you to spend one hour
with me one on one. Because youdeserve to know what's holding
you back is your time. Alcoholhas had its fair share. We're
gonna talk about possibilitiesabout how to align your thoughts
and actions with your dreams andwhat matters most to you about
(32:14):
why alcohol is no longer suitedfor the life you want to live.
How you can get on the fasttrack to freedom from alcohol
and stay there withoutdeprivation. Follow the link in
the show notes or on my websiteMary Wagstaff coach.com To
schedule your complimentary calland get a new perspective on an
old habit.
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