March 8, 2023 • 34 mins
Does life feel like it's happening to you? Your kids don’t listen. Your spouse remembers nothing. You keep having health concerns. The god damn weather.
Nothing how you would have planned it.
But here’s the thing...
The reason you don’t have what you want isnt’ because life is happening to you.
Your expectations have over ridden your intentions.
You just like 7 billion people in the world want something to happen, FOR THEM.
Try to change jobs, change all the external things, get all the medications and doctors, drink.
You look OUT THERE.
You neglected the root cause of your disappointment and suffering and that is your attachment to our expectations and desires.
You need to take a step back and understand what your intention is that has nothing to do with anyone and completely within your control.
The 5 Shifts process I use with my clients aligns our intuition and intention with our values and what we truly want, not just to be right, but to be HAPPY.
When we know the difference between out expectations and intention, we can solve any problem.
You’ve tried to cut back on drinking but nothing sticks, you're stuck in the cycle of confusion and convincing. One day you're motivated, the next you're telling yourself it's not that bad. What makes the difference isn’t more information—it’s having a new way to apply it. Click HERE to schedule your free consult to uncover the one thought that will change everything.
There Is A Life Beyond Moderation & Deprivation.
We Focus On What You Are Moving Towards, Not What You Are Moving Away From.
The Exhausting Trap Of Moderation Ends Now With My No Shame Approach Using The Proven Five Shifts Process. Follow the path of 100's of Women, Click HERE to join today!
DISCLAIMER: This podcast and its contents are not a substitute for rehabilitation, medical treatment or advice. It is for educational and inspirational purposes. I am not a therapist or doctor. The views here are expressed a personal opinion and based on first hand experience. Please consult a doctor if your mental or physical health is at risk.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Mary Wagstaff (00:01):
Do you ever feel like you're outgrowing alcohol,
that you are longing for adeeper connection to life? If
alcohol is keeping you playingsmall and feels like the one
area, you just can't figure outyou are in the right place. Hi,
my name is Mary Wagstaff. I'm aHolistic alcohol coach who ended
a 20 year relationship toalcohol without labels, counting
(00:23):
days or ever making excuses. NowI help powerful women just like
you eliminate their desire todrink on their own terms. In
this podcast, we will explorethe revolutionary approach of my
proven five shifts process thatgets alcohol out of your way by
breaking all of the rules, andthe profound experience that it
(00:43):
is to rediscover who you are onthe other side of alcohol. I am
so thrilled to be your guide.
Welcome to your journey ofawakening. Welcome back to the
show my beautiful listeners,thank you so much for being here
to upgrade this podcast, yourpresence, your frequency is
definitely a next leveling ofthis show. And it is my humble
(01:05):
honor to be sharing this spacewith you our attention. And this
is like a great place to startour attention is our most
valuable resource. And it isgoing to become even more
valuable, I can't emphasize thisenough. A friend of mine just
(01:26):
sent me a post that I talk aboutthis concept all the time with
Matthew, you know, we live inthis world of labels, like so
many labels. And that's why thisis a label free show. But we
just go in the direction ofwhat's useful. And you know,
(01:47):
it's not like shaming anyone forlabels. But the reason that I
don't use labels is becausethey're not useful and your
attention gets stuck in thatstory. And one of the things
that this post had said it wasfrom a woman, a coach named
Simone Sol, it was and I'm justgonna say verbatim, like, I
(02:08):
don't have ADHD, I'm justresponding to the artificial
stimuli that I live in. And somany of our mental health
diagnoses and that are veryreal, right? Like, they will
definitely like feel real. comefrom so much of what I've been
(02:29):
talking about, come because likewhat she said is we're supposed
to be frolicking in nature, andwe just everything else, our
desire for everything else. Ourways outweighs the time that we
spend as our innate, natural,raw animal, human self, and the
(02:52):
things that we respond to, and,you know, are in, in
relationship to naturally, we'reso disconnected from our
emotions and our own cycles andrhythms because we're
disconnected from the planet,because we're disconnected from
(03:12):
each other. And you have heardme talk about isolation on the
show. And that's probablysomething that a story that I've
told myself, more than is usefulover the last few years. But I'm
aware of it. And you know, likeI experienced depression, I
experienced existential despair.
I go through the gamut of it.
But I just know the fact thatit's to me it's neutral, because
(03:34):
it's just part of being human.
And there's times when I'm init, that I don't remember that
it's neutral. But to decide tolike, put that before my name,
or after my name, just seemslike such a disservice to all of
(03:56):
the hard work that I do. It'slike I'm that but I'm all these
other amazing things that I'dmuch rather focus my attention
on. And just as much as I wantto normalize, drinking, I also
want to normalized quittingdrinking. And I also want to
normalize human emotion. You weare not special snowflakes when
(04:17):
it comes to depression, anxiety,existential despair, and the
more you think you are, and youshame and judge yourself for it,
the more they compound, justlike with alcohol, it's like the
more you try to quit, the moreyou think about it, right? But
if you quit, from theperspective that I teach, things
(04:39):
become much easier becomes muchmore simple to let go. And
there's this other piece that Iwanted to point out today about
where you're taking yourattention when it comes to
drinking less. And the labelsaround it around being a normal
drinker or a pro bloomeddrinker. Because this is so
(05:03):
subjective, and it was broughtto my attention from an
Instagram post. And this is likeno shame, like everyone gets to
think about it in whatever waythey want to. I just happen to
think this is one of theproblems. And it was saying,
like, I'm the problem drinker.
And this other person is thenormal drinker, and decided to
(05:24):
say NO to alcohol, because hedidn't have a problem with
things, but quit due to thenegative impact that alcohol was
having on their lives. Likethere's people that just quit
drinking, because of thenegative impact that alcohol is
having on their lives. And thoseare the normal drinkers. But I'm
(05:44):
like, that's a problem, right?
And then the problem drinkersare the ones that are like rock
bottom, I guess. But the truthis, is that those are both
subjective, that is up to theindividual to decide and to be,
I think in a leadership role.
And I don't think that thisperson like is a coach or a
(06:07):
therapist or anything, that'sjust their own experience. But
from my perspective, as a coach,it's really important that, you
know, my clients get to decidewhat it means for them. And
like, there has to be awillingness to want to see
things differently in every areaof their life, like, if they're
(06:27):
gonna fight, tooth and nail thatlike that, like moderation is
the only way, then I'm probablynot the right fit for them.
Because until you take it downto the studs, and you experience
every area of your life, whereyou have resistance to not
drinking, without alcohol, andyou can get to a neutral place
(06:52):
with that alcohol still runningthe show. You know, you could
take it all away completely, andeliminate your desire and your
attachment to alcohol. And thenlike try to introduce it but at
that point, if you didn't have adesire and attachment, you just
wouldn't want it right. So thisis really important for you is
(07:12):
asking yourself, like how am Ilabeling myself when it comes to
my drinking and then comparingmyself to other people? Because
I would never I mean, accordingto this person, I would probably
have been a problem drinker,right. But I don't put myself in
that box for the rest of mylife, I have no interest in
drinking. And if I picked up adrink tomorrow, I would not go
(07:33):
back to that problem drinkinglike I've experienced it
firsthand, you know, I was I wasvery much in the throes of
mental exhaustion from alcohol,worried about it, thinking about
it all the time, partying formany years doing other drugs on
top of that like that it ispossible but the reason that
it's not possible for people isbecause of their belief about
(07:56):
it. And that's the mostimportant thing that I'm trying
to express here. And then therewas another post that I saw
bringing all this up it's justbecause this is the information
that you're taking it taking inand you know, they're taking it
in from other sober programswhere they're sober communities
and then this is landing withyou as truth. I just don't think
(08:18):
it's useful and again, I'm notshaming anyone like I don't you
know I don't fall in line withthe philosophies of like AAA and
12 step recovery, but God blessthem right like they have say it
has saved so many people's livesand families and there are
people that will are likediehard right? And like whatever
works for you but I just want toopen your mind to possibility
(08:42):
and toyou know being really curious
and really on to the way you'rejudging change because what I'll
say and I just made a post aboutthis is that the number one
thing that keeps most womenstuck is that they view their
they view quitting drinking as adowngrade instead of an up
(09:06):
leveling, and when you look atit as an up leveling and a next
leveling of your badass self,like unapologetically go right
when I was unapologetic about Imean that's why I'm here like
I'm here saying all the thingstelling you guys how awesome I
am and how awesome I like soberlife is even though I don't
really use that term, butbecause like it's possible and I
(09:30):
see it with every single one ofmy clients they they're just
they just move on. I mean youheard it last week in the the
email that or the LEA the letterthat I read from Laura, about
her not having any judgment notfeeling labeled, she just
doesn't drink right now ofcourse if you drank for 44
years, there it is. You're justkind of like holy shit. How did
(09:51):
I ever drink that much like it'sjust mind blowing like it is
still it's surprising that youever wanted it that much such?
Because for me, it seems like alifetime ago like it seems like
a different life all together, Ican't even believe it. I cannot
believe. I'm like, How did Ifunction? How did I find the
time? How did I find theclarity? It's just insane. I
(10:13):
mean, what am I doing this rightnow. So this post says, I don't
have to drink booze to have fun,I will not throw away my 30
years of oh, sorry, I'll throwaway my sobriety for 30 minutes
of euphoria and endless regret.
Now, that's definitely true atthe beginning, like that's what
(10:34):
people see that 30 minutes ofeuphoria. And what happens there
is that you are just removingthe anticipation of a drink,
right? You're just appeasing theurge. At the beginning, the urge
(10:54):
is still there, because aphysically your body is
expecting it. And B, your mindis still all wrapped like your
mind is pretty wrapped up in ituntil you start to grow your
awareness that these are theseare simply thoughts. They're not
truth. What is the truth, right?
You just become aware of themand you become aware of the
sensations in your body. And thethe more you think about not
(11:14):
having a drink, the moredeprivation you feel. So that's
when you have to be, you know,you cultivate the witness
consciousness. So that 30minutes of euphoria isn't really
euphoria from the alcoholitself. It's the relief of the
urge. And I think this is very,very, very much of a
(11:37):
distinction, especially at thephase that you've you're
listening to the show at thephase right now, maybe when
you're like 21, it feelseuphoric, or something, or white
for 14. But what I know is thatthat euphoria goes away. Also,
when you really awaken beyondalcohol, and you eliminate your
(11:58):
desire and your attachment.
Because you're in a new phase ofyour life, you've got to
understand too, that your body,your hormones, your life, what's
important to you. It's alleverything is so much different.
For me, my values are a 180,from what they were when I first
started drinking, like I'm notthat person anymore. And so
(12:22):
there is no euphoria, that 30minutes, it's feels gross and
anxiety producing and detachedand dissociated, and you don't
like the taste, and all of myclients that have ever had a
drink, don't keep drinking, theyhave one, they can pull it
immediately, like regret havingit from a place of compassion
(12:44):
was like, why am I doing this, Idon't want this. And then we
evaluate the like, what the theemotional need was, and then we
fix that part of it. But there'sno euphoria, once the once the
desire is eliminated, ordramatically removed, and the
(13:04):
attachment to it, that euphoriagoes away. Now, you may think
that you've quit for longperiods of time, and that wasn't
true for you. And that isbecause you didn't change your
mindset. It's because you didn'tchange your mindset, you had the
same beliefs about it, youweren't looking for the right
things, and you didn't have anymindfulness based tools that
(13:24):
you're applying to the process.
And you might have just beenyounger at a different phase in
your life too. Right? I mean, itcould have just been in January,
I don't know. But I do hear alot of people say that to me,
you know, I quit drinking for 30days, and nothing changed. And
sometimes it takes that long foryour, your spark to come back
online. Right. Now, lots ofthings change. And if I asked
(13:48):
someone why that's how that'scompletely not true, they could
probably find 20 reasons whythat's not true that nothing
changed. Like they didn't feelany different, like life wasn't
any better. I mean, just likethe waking up in the middle of
the night alone, right is a gamechanger for the rest of your
life. That's pretty priceless.
(14:09):
So some of the things that youmay read with, of course, great
intentions, amazing intentions.
Some of the things you may readon like sober, curious accounts,
or sober accounts, like onInstagram or even in any Quizlet
I just want you to question itfor yourself and be curious
(14:30):
about like, is that true for me?
Like, do I even feel a state ofeuphoria? Or is it just relief
from the building up of theurge? So you can even pay
attention to that the next timeyou drink, right? And like what
is euphoria? And also, you know,when you're in a place like if
(14:53):
you're a party, say you're goingout dancing, you're going to a
concert and it's like oh I liketo be have that feeling of
euphoria and dance. It's likewell What about the thing that
you're doing? Is that thing evenfun to you? Do you even know?
How you as a human experiencethat event all to itself?
Because Ron unfiltered, like doyou like that? Do you like that
(15:15):
music? Do you like these people?
Like you don't know? Right? Andso that's what you get to
explore. All you know you likeis the feeling of the chemical
and the flood of dopamine, orthe increase of dopamine that
just gives you back to baselinebecause it's so habitually
dysregulated regulating it's sohabitually imbalancing Okay, so
(15:38):
that was my little soapbox, and,you know, me, this is all from a
place of love. And I see thesethings. And I'm just like,
that's not true, you know, so Ijust, I want to call it out,
because there's some of the bigmyths, not only in the alcohol
world, and I don't even talkabout that. I mean, you know,
(16:01):
the myths of the alcohol world,you watch any commercial about
alcohol from a neutralperspective, or from like, a
perspective of your values? It'slike, really seriously, that is
not what that looks like, right?
Like the best are the coronacommercials, running down the
beach, picking like the hotbabes, the hot dudes. It's like,
(16:27):
no, the chick feels shame. Thenext morning, there's a walk of
shame. Everyone's hung over.
Someone lost their wallet. Itdoesn't look like that. All
people don't have the confidenceto speak up. They're doing
things they don't want to bedoing. They're driving
intoxicated, they're swimming inthe ocean, when it's dangerous,
(16:49):
right? Like, all of the thingsis just not true. Not to
mention, you know, like, That'sromantic. But that's not your
life anymore. I mean, at leastdefinitely not my life. I know,
I'm going on a Baja cruise, likebeach cruise, maybe with my
seven year old and my beardeddude. But up pick it up guys
(17:11):
anymore on the beach. I mean,that could be a possibility in
the future, I'm not shutting itdown. It's just not at this
moment. However, I'm gonna tellyou a secret. I just booked a
solo vacation by myself. It's awriting retreat to my favorite
beach, and I'm so excited for mybirthday. And I'll tell you all
(17:35):
about it, it's going to beamazing.
So if you want to stop feelingdisappointed in your life, in
general, and even with alcohol,this is where you need to take
your mind, right things feellike they're happening to you
(17:57):
life is happening to you, yourkids don't listen, your spouse
remembers nothing. You keephaving health concerns. You
know, the damn weather, it'salways about the weather,
nothing, how you would haveplanned it. But here's the
thing, we always have the choiceof what we think what to think
(18:20):
about something. Nowimmediately, your mind your
brain is gonna go towards thenegative interpretation. But you
can recognize that ask, is thisthought useful? Is this
interpretation useful and bringit back? Right? And I'm not
saying like, you know, yourhealth concerns and your
spouse's behavior aren't thingsto be concerned about. And that
(18:44):
they're your fault. But it'syour interpretation of it that's
going to change your life.
Right? Rather than become,rather than be even more
negatively impacted by thesethings that are already not the
way you want them to be. Right.
(19:05):
And so the reason that you don'thave what you want isn't because
life is happening to you. It'sset your expectations have
overridden your intentions. Andso you've tried to yell you've
tried to argue your point,you've tried to move you tried
to change jobs, you changed allthe external things, right? Like
(19:26):
even when it comes to health,it's like all the medications,
all the different doctors likeyou look out there. And this is
not 100% case. I'm not sayingthat. I'm just saying, we have
to look inside we have to lookat where we're viewing things.
And we have to look at wherewe're taking personal
(19:47):
responsibility. And we neverlook at the root cause of the
suffering or our attachment toexpectations and desire. The
desires that we have right likewe have Have our intuition which
connects us innately, ourintuition and our intention. And
then we have expectations anddesires, all the things you
(20:09):
want, right like, and then whenI just sit and meditate, and I
look at all the things I want,I'm like that's creating the
deficit, these thoughts aboutthe wanting, and the expectation
that I should have them orpeople should be acting a
certain way. But says who? Mybrain, right, like, there's no
(20:31):
one size fits all. Everything issubjective. Everything is
subjective, mostly everything issubjective in this world. And so
what you need to do instead isto take a step back, and step
into your intuition, and yourintention, that are actually in
(20:56):
alignment with your real values.
Right, so we can hear both ofthose things. And then you can
solve the problem, right? So ifyou know what your intention is,
and you know what your intuitionis telling you, like, we always
know, I mean, I know when I'mbeing manipulative, I can I hear
(21:18):
myself saying it, right. Andthis is the awareness that you
have to come to, you have to beable to be honest with yourself,
and you have to be able todiscern between your intention
and your expectation. Forexample, I had a client who they
often entertained at theirhouse. And they had a lot of a
(21:44):
big social circle from being inthe service industry for a long
time, and running businesses andchildren and all other things.
And her husband would often planthese events at their house,
like during the week on theweekend. And this was a huge
(22:06):
trigger for her because she feltobligated to be there to engage
and then to drink like thatthere was an expectation to hang
out. When this person came tome, like I was just talking
about earlier, our lives havechanged, this person's a
(22:27):
business owner, a mother wantsto go to the gym in the morning,
right and like this lifestyle,just wasn't cutting it for her
anymore. And so her herexpectation for herself, right
was that she should be hosting,she should be providing food she
(22:49):
should be providing alcoholshould be she should be hanging
out, she should be engaging, hadthe expectation for her husband,
that, you know, he should beasking her if it's okay for
people to come over and moreconsiderate of their schedule.
And all of these things, right.
So this, these, all of theseexpectations, were creating a
(23:10):
multitude of emotions inside ofher body, which also Prime's the
body even more. So for to wantto need to relieve that emotion,
right. Because when the emotionof stress and overwhelm and
frustration and anger had beenassociated with alcohol for so
(23:30):
long, you're going to have thattrigger there when you're
already feeling like you'regoing to be expected to drink.
So like you have the thought youhave the belief that there's
this expectation here. And thenyou have the the natural
habitual trigger also havethese, you know, even five
o'clock of these other it's, youknow, it's like a triple whammy
(23:53):
of these emotions causing thatit's causing that stress. So
when we took a step back to lookat her intention, the intention
was all about I want to I wantdowntime, like I want this time
to be peaceful for me. And thenwe got to examine all of these
expectations that weren't spokenthat weren't agreed upon, that
(24:17):
no one else had shared with herright. They were all of these
expectations that were in herbrain based on the past based on
things that had happened in thepast not Beavin stuffs anyone
said. And so when we looked atwhat her intention was, and
started taking action from thatplace, started thinking new
(24:41):
thoughts from that place. Myhusband's allowed to have over
whoever he wants. I am I'm WillI can express my needs. If I
need to. No one needs anythingfor me. They're all grown.
Right? And the way we do that atthe beginning, because it's hard
for people sometimes as we flipthe script like If we flip the
script to put yourself insomeone else's shoes. So what
(25:06):
you need to be able to do is todiscern your intention from your
expectation. And you need to beable to take that step back to
really examine what they are.
And the profound impact thathappens when you do this, and
you practice it, right. Like youcan read a book all day long,
(25:26):
you can listen to the podcastyou want all day long, but until
you actually practice it, andreiterate it again and again,
and again, it has someone likeme, who knows your story,
because I know this story. So ifI see it come up again, I'm
going to be like, hey, there'sthat thing? You know, why is it
different in this situation,right? So maybe you solve the
(25:49):
problem at home, but then you goto a gathering, you go to a
birthday party, and you put thesame expectations back into this
scenario. And then when youstart to generate evidence, in
one circumstance, you realizethat it's actually no different
in all the other circumstancesyour brain has just been, has
(26:09):
just gone, unexamined. So theskill set that you really,
really need here is to be ableto examine your objections,
right? Like, why this won't workfor you, there's bad people out
there, things are unfair, Ican't catch a break. And, you
know, it's true, like oursociety and our culture, there
(26:31):
are people that have been dealta better hand, and we know that
there's institutionalized racismand oppression and,
and things that are very real,and you know what they are, but,
but my, and even in even justfamily dynamics, right, we have
(26:51):
these institutionalizedexpectations of family dynamics,
my invitation is, is, is itgoing to be the most useful for
you and for all of us to makechanges on a bigger scale from a
smaller scale in your family toa wider scale to the social
constructs, right? If all we'redoing is focusing on what's not
working, or if we want to focuson our truth, and our
(27:17):
sovereignty, the sovereigntythat we do have, which is our
ability to think freely. Rightnow, there's been a lot of
conditioning that has happenedbecause of some of these
structures. But it doesn't meanthat you can't dismantle your
beliefs, right about who youare, and what you're capable of
your ability to direct your mindand where you place your
(27:40):
attention is the skill set, youneed. The very first skill set,
you need to start to, first ofall understand why this change
is the most important change andwill have the exponential impact
on your growth for the rest ofyour life. And why nothing else
(28:00):
is more important than this,where else you're placing your
attention and just bufferingyour attention away. And really
getting down to the nitty grittyof examining your expectations,
these unspoken expectations thatare just based on your beliefs,
(28:21):
your cultural conditioning,societal conditioning, right,
and like, and then your realintentions, your values, your
intuition, and start to takeyour attention to what you have
control over which is which ismanaging your mind. And the best
best thing that you can do is toget started right now, applying
(28:43):
these tools in your life, allyou need to do is to go to
follow the link in the shownotes. Pick the best time and
date that works for you to meetfor a one on one absolutely free
alignment session for you, whereI will help you implement for
(29:06):
you the three step proven methodthat all of my clients use that
is going to be geared towardsdirectly what you need. And I
can help you pull out where yourwhere your expectations are
overriding your intention.
Right? The intention for myclient was that everyone has
(29:29):
sovereignty, everyone gets to behappy and enjoy that space after
work. So if she allowed him tohave that, then there was no
reason she couldn't take it forherself. And then of course,
there's like having aconversation. Have you had a
conversation? Can you ask ifpeople could come over right? So
like there's we go in layers,but we start with where you have
(29:50):
100% control, which is in yourthoughts, your emotions and your
actions. Have an amazing day.
Keep up Good work, share thisepisode for someone you know
will love it and can greatlybenefit from it. And I'll talk
to you next week. Oh, one morething. I make sure you turn Tune
(30:10):
in next week and for the nextfive episodes after that, I am
going to be doing a reboot ofthe five shifts process. These
are the five simple butessential shifts that are going
to shift your perspective thathas you worrying about alcohol
The time has you regrettingalcohol, the time has you having
no confidence to walk down thewine aisle in the liquor store
(30:34):
without running all the time.
This is the process that changesall of that for you to give you
confidence to shift yourperspective to help you and the
shame and judgment and to get onwith living the life you deserve
to live. And exploring thosedreams that you've been putting
on the backburner that youthought were never going to
happen. Like it's time girl, I'mhere for you. I'll talk to you
(30:55):
soon. Okay, ladies, so the fundoes not have to end here. This
is actually where it begins, itis time for you to take the next
best step to start applyingthese tools and these principles
into your life. And I have madeit extremely seamless and super
easy for you to get the supportthat you need in a one on one
personalized setting so that Ican really see specifically
(31:16):
where you're at and thattogether we can create a
personalized three step strategyprocess that's in alignment with
your intentions, your values,your lifestyles, and it gives
you that one on one, FaceTimeand space that you need to
transform to be seen to be heardand to be validated. So all you
have to do is follow the link inthe show notes or go to my
(31:39):
website Mary Wagstaff coach.comto pick your best time and date
for your free one on onealignment session with me. I
cannot wait to meet you and I'llsee you soon.
Do you ever feel like you're outgrowing alcohol,
that you are longing for adeeper connection to life? If
alcohol is keeping you playingsmall and feels like the one
area, you just can't figure outyou are in the right place. Hi,
my name is Mary Wagstaff. I'm aHolistic alcohol coach who ended
a 20 year relationship toalcohol without labels, counting
(00:23):
days or ever making excuses. NowI help powerful women just like
you eliminate their desire todrink on their own terms. In
this podcast, we will explorethe revolutionary approach of my
proven five shifts process thatgets alcohol out of your way by
breaking all of the rules, andthe profound experience that it
(00:43):
is to rediscover who you are onthe other side of alcohol. I am
so thrilled to be your guide.
Welcome to your journey ofawakening. Welcome back to the
show my beautiful listeners,thank you so much for being here
to upgrade this podcast, yourpresence, your frequency is
definitely a next leveling ofthis show. And it is my humble
(01:05):
honor to be sharing this spacewith you our attention. And this
is like a great place to startour attention is our most
valuable resource. And it isgoing to become even more
valuable, I can't emphasize thisenough. A friend of mine just
(01:26):
sent me a post that I talk aboutthis concept all the time with
Matthew, you know, we live inthis world of labels, like so
many labels. And that's why thisis a label free show. But we
just go in the direction ofwhat's useful. And you know,
(01:47):
it's not like shaming anyone forlabels. But the reason that I
don't use labels is becausethey're not useful and your
attention gets stuck in thatstory. And one of the things
that this post had said it wasfrom a woman, a coach named
Simone Sol, it was and I'm justgonna say verbatim, like, I
(02:08):
don't have ADHD, I'm justresponding to the artificial
stimuli that I live in. And somany of our mental health
diagnoses and that are veryreal, right? Like, they will
definitely like feel real. comefrom so much of what I've been
(02:29):
talking about, come because likewhat she said is we're supposed
to be frolicking in nature, andwe just everything else, our
desire for everything else. Ourways outweighs the time that we
spend as our innate, natural,raw animal, human self, and the
(02:52):
things that we respond to, and,you know, are in, in
relationship to naturally, we'reso disconnected from our
emotions and our own cycles andrhythms because we're
disconnected from the planet,because we're disconnected from
(03:12):
each other. And you have heardme talk about isolation on the
show. And that's probablysomething that a story that I've
told myself, more than is usefulover the last few years. But I'm
aware of it. And you know, likeI experienced depression, I
experienced existential despair.
I go through the gamut of it.
But I just know the fact thatit's to me it's neutral, because
(03:34):
it's just part of being human.
And there's times when I'm init, that I don't remember that
it's neutral. But to decide tolike, put that before my name,
or after my name, just seemslike such a disservice to all of
(03:56):
the hard work that I do. It'slike I'm that but I'm all these
other amazing things that I'dmuch rather focus my attention
on. And just as much as I wantto normalize, drinking, I also
want to normalized quittingdrinking. And I also want to
normalize human emotion. You weare not special snowflakes when
(04:17):
it comes to depression, anxiety,existential despair, and the
more you think you are, and youshame and judge yourself for it,
the more they compound, justlike with alcohol, it's like the
more you try to quit, the moreyou think about it, right? But
if you quit, from theperspective that I teach, things
(04:39):
become much easier becomes muchmore simple to let go. And
there's this other piece that Iwanted to point out today about
where you're taking yourattention when it comes to
drinking less. And the labelsaround it around being a normal
drinker or a pro bloomeddrinker. Because this is so
(05:03):
subjective, and it was broughtto my attention from an
Instagram post. And this is likeno shame, like everyone gets to
think about it in whatever waythey want to. I just happen to
think this is one of theproblems. And it was saying,
like, I'm the problem drinker.
And this other person is thenormal drinker, and decided to
(05:24):
say NO to alcohol, because hedidn't have a problem with
things, but quit due to thenegative impact that alcohol was
having on their lives. Likethere's people that just quit
drinking, because of thenegative impact that alcohol is
having on their lives. And thoseare the normal drinkers. But I'm
(05:44):
like, that's a problem, right?
And then the problem drinkersare the ones that are like rock
bottom, I guess. But the truthis, is that those are both
subjective, that is up to theindividual to decide and to be,
I think in a leadership role.
And I don't think that thisperson like is a coach or a
(06:07):
therapist or anything, that'sjust their own experience. But
from my perspective, as a coach,it's really important that, you
know, my clients get to decidewhat it means for them. And
like, there has to be awillingness to want to see
things differently in every areaof their life, like, if they're
(06:27):
gonna fight, tooth and nail thatlike that, like moderation is
the only way, then I'm probablynot the right fit for them.
Because until you take it downto the studs, and you experience
every area of your life, whereyou have resistance to not
drinking, without alcohol, andyou can get to a neutral place
(06:52):
with that alcohol still runningthe show. You know, you could
take it all away completely, andeliminate your desire and your
attachment to alcohol. And thenlike try to introduce it but at
that point, if you didn't have adesire and attachment, you just
wouldn't want it right. So thisis really important for you is
(07:12):
asking yourself, like how am Ilabeling myself when it comes to
my drinking and then comparingmyself to other people? Because
I would never I mean, accordingto this person, I would probably
have been a problem drinker,right. But I don't put myself in
that box for the rest of mylife, I have no interest in
drinking. And if I picked up adrink tomorrow, I would not go
(07:33):
back to that problem drinkinglike I've experienced it
firsthand, you know, I was I wasvery much in the throes of
mental exhaustion from alcohol,worried about it, thinking about
it all the time, partying formany years doing other drugs on
top of that like that it ispossible but the reason that
it's not possible for people isbecause of their belief about
(07:56):
it. And that's the mostimportant thing that I'm trying
to express here. And then therewas another post that I saw
bringing all this up it's justbecause this is the information
that you're taking it taking inand you know, they're taking it
in from other sober programswhere they're sober communities
and then this is landing withyou as truth. I just don't think
(08:18):
it's useful and again, I'm notshaming anyone like I don't you
know I don't fall in line withthe philosophies of like AAA and
12 step recovery, but God blessthem right like they have say it
has saved so many people's livesand families and there are
people that will are likediehard right? And like whatever
works for you but I just want toopen your mind to possibility
(08:42):
and toyou know being really curious
and really on to the way you'rejudging change because what I'll
say and I just made a post aboutthis is that the number one
thing that keeps most womenstuck is that they view their
they view quitting drinking as adowngrade instead of an up
(09:06):
leveling, and when you look atit as an up leveling and a next
leveling of your badass self,like unapologetically go right
when I was unapologetic about Imean that's why I'm here like
I'm here saying all the thingstelling you guys how awesome I
am and how awesome I like soberlife is even though I don't
really use that term, butbecause like it's possible and I
(09:30):
see it with every single one ofmy clients they they're just
they just move on. I mean youheard it last week in the the
email that or the LEA the letterthat I read from Laura, about
her not having any judgment notfeeling labeled, she just
doesn't drink right now ofcourse if you drank for 44
years, there it is. You're justkind of like holy shit. How did
(09:51):
I ever drink that much like it'sjust mind blowing like it is
still it's surprising that youever wanted it that much such?
Because for me, it seems like alifetime ago like it seems like
a different life all together, Ican't even believe it. I cannot
believe. I'm like, How did Ifunction? How did I find the
time? How did I find theclarity? It's just insane. I
(10:13):
mean, what am I doing this rightnow. So this post says, I don't
have to drink booze to have fun,I will not throw away my 30
years of oh, sorry, I'll throwaway my sobriety for 30 minutes
of euphoria and endless regret.
Now, that's definitely true atthe beginning, like that's what
(10:34):
people see that 30 minutes ofeuphoria. And what happens there
is that you are just removingthe anticipation of a drink,
right? You're just appeasing theurge. At the beginning, the urge
(10:54):
is still there, because aphysically your body is
expecting it. And B, your mindis still all wrapped like your
mind is pretty wrapped up in ituntil you start to grow your
awareness that these are theseare simply thoughts. They're not
truth. What is the truth, right?
You just become aware of themand you become aware of the
sensations in your body. And thethe more you think about not
(11:14):
having a drink, the moredeprivation you feel. So that's
when you have to be, you know,you cultivate the witness
consciousness. So that 30minutes of euphoria isn't really
euphoria from the alcoholitself. It's the relief of the
urge. And I think this is very,very, very much of a
(11:37):
distinction, especially at thephase that you've you're
listening to the show at thephase right now, maybe when
you're like 21, it feelseuphoric, or something, or white
for 14. But what I know is thatthat euphoria goes away. Also,
when you really awaken beyondalcohol, and you eliminate your
(11:58):
desire and your attachment.
Because you're in a new phase ofyour life, you've got to
understand too, that your body,your hormones, your life, what's
important to you. It's alleverything is so much different.
For me, my values are a 180,from what they were when I first
started drinking, like I'm notthat person anymore. And so
(12:22):
there is no euphoria, that 30minutes, it's feels gross and
anxiety producing and detachedand dissociated, and you don't
like the taste, and all of myclients that have ever had a
drink, don't keep drinking, theyhave one, they can pull it
immediately, like regret havingit from a place of compassion
(12:44):
was like, why am I doing this, Idon't want this. And then we
evaluate the like, what the theemotional need was, and then we
fix that part of it. But there'sno euphoria, once the once the
desire is eliminated, ordramatically removed, and the
(13:04):
attachment to it, that euphoriagoes away. Now, you may think
that you've quit for longperiods of time, and that wasn't
true for you. And that isbecause you didn't change your
mindset. It's because you didn'tchange your mindset, you had the
same beliefs about it, youweren't looking for the right
things, and you didn't have anymindfulness based tools that
(13:24):
you're applying to the process.
And you might have just beenyounger at a different phase in
your life too. Right? I mean, itcould have just been in January,
I don't know. But I do hear alot of people say that to me,
you know, I quit drinking for 30days, and nothing changed. And
sometimes it takes that long foryour, your spark to come back
online. Right. Now, lots ofthings change. And if I asked
(13:48):
someone why that's how that'scompletely not true, they could
probably find 20 reasons whythat's not true that nothing
changed. Like they didn't feelany different, like life wasn't
any better. I mean, just likethe waking up in the middle of
the night alone, right is a gamechanger for the rest of your
life. That's pretty priceless.
(14:09):
So some of the things that youmay read with, of course, great
intentions, amazing intentions.
Some of the things you may readon like sober, curious accounts,
or sober accounts, like onInstagram or even in any Quizlet
I just want you to question itfor yourself and be curious
(14:30):
about like, is that true for me?
Like, do I even feel a state ofeuphoria? Or is it just relief
from the building up of theurge? So you can even pay
attention to that the next timeyou drink, right? And like what
is euphoria? And also, you know,when you're in a place like if
(14:53):
you're a party, say you're goingout dancing, you're going to a
concert and it's like oh I liketo be have that feeling of
euphoria and dance. It's likewell What about the thing that
you're doing? Is that thing evenfun to you? Do you even know?
How you as a human experiencethat event all to itself?
Because Ron unfiltered, like doyou like that? Do you like that
(15:15):
music? Do you like these people?
Like you don't know? Right? Andso that's what you get to
explore. All you know you likeis the feeling of the chemical
and the flood of dopamine, orthe increase of dopamine that
just gives you back to baselinebecause it's so habitually
dysregulated regulating it's sohabitually imbalancing Okay, so
(15:38):
that was my little soapbox, and,you know, me, this is all from a
place of love. And I see thesethings. And I'm just like,
that's not true, you know, so Ijust, I want to call it out,
because there's some of the bigmyths, not only in the alcohol
world, and I don't even talkabout that. I mean, you know,
(16:01):
the myths of the alcohol world,you watch any commercial about
alcohol from a neutralperspective, or from like, a
perspective of your values? It'slike, really seriously, that is
not what that looks like, right?
Like the best are the coronacommercials, running down the
beach, picking like the hotbabes, the hot dudes. It's like,
(16:27):
no, the chick feels shame. Thenext morning, there's a walk of
shame. Everyone's hung over.
Someone lost their wallet. Itdoesn't look like that. All
people don't have the confidenceto speak up. They're doing
things they don't want to bedoing. They're driving
intoxicated, they're swimming inthe ocean, when it's dangerous,
(16:49):
right? Like, all of the thingsis just not true. Not to
mention, you know, like, That'sromantic. But that's not your
life anymore. I mean, at leastdefinitely not my life. I know,
I'm going on a Baja cruise, likebeach cruise, maybe with my
seven year old and my beardeddude. But up pick it up guys
(17:11):
anymore on the beach. I mean,that could be a possibility in
the future, I'm not shutting itdown. It's just not at this
moment. However, I'm gonna tellyou a secret. I just booked a
solo vacation by myself. It's awriting retreat to my favorite
beach, and I'm so excited for mybirthday. And I'll tell you all
(17:35):
about it, it's going to beamazing.
So if you want to stop feelingdisappointed in your life, in
general, and even with alcohol,this is where you need to take
your mind, right things feellike they're happening to you
(17:57):
life is happening to you, yourkids don't listen, your spouse
remembers nothing. You keephaving health concerns. You
know, the damn weather, it'salways about the weather,
nothing, how you would haveplanned it. But here's the
thing, we always have the choiceof what we think what to think
(18:20):
about something. Nowimmediately, your mind your
brain is gonna go towards thenegative interpretation. But you
can recognize that ask, is thisthought useful? Is this
interpretation useful and bringit back? Right? And I'm not
saying like, you know, yourhealth concerns and your
spouse's behavior aren't thingsto be concerned about. And that
(18:44):
they're your fault. But it'syour interpretation of it that's
going to change your life.
Right? Rather than become,rather than be even more
negatively impacted by thesethings that are already not the
way you want them to be. Right.
(19:05):
And so the reason that you don'thave what you want isn't because
life is happening to you. It'sset your expectations have
overridden your intentions. Andso you've tried to yell you've
tried to argue your point,you've tried to move you tried
to change jobs, you changed allthe external things, right? Like
(19:26):
even when it comes to health,it's like all the medications,
all the different doctors likeyou look out there. And this is
not 100% case. I'm not sayingthat. I'm just saying, we have
to look inside we have to lookat where we're viewing things.
And we have to look at wherewe're taking personal
(19:47):
responsibility. And we neverlook at the root cause of the
suffering or our attachment toexpectations and desire. The
desires that we have right likewe have Have our intuition which
connects us innately, ourintuition and our intention. And
then we have expectations anddesires, all the things you
(20:09):
want, right like, and then whenI just sit and meditate, and I
look at all the things I want,I'm like that's creating the
deficit, these thoughts aboutthe wanting, and the expectation
that I should have them orpeople should be acting a
certain way. But says who? Mybrain, right, like, there's no
(20:31):
one size fits all. Everything issubjective. Everything is
subjective, mostly everything issubjective in this world. And so
what you need to do instead isto take a step back, and step
into your intuition, and yourintention, that are actually in
(20:56):
alignment with your real values.
Right, so we can hear both ofthose things. And then you can
solve the problem, right? So ifyou know what your intention is,
and you know what your intuitionis telling you, like, we always
know, I mean, I know when I'mbeing manipulative, I can I hear
(21:18):
myself saying it, right. Andthis is the awareness that you
have to come to, you have to beable to be honest with yourself,
and you have to be able todiscern between your intention
and your expectation. Forexample, I had a client who they
often entertained at theirhouse. And they had a lot of a
(21:44):
big social circle from being inthe service industry for a long
time, and running businesses andchildren and all other things.
And her husband would often planthese events at their house,
like during the week on theweekend. And this was a huge
(22:06):
trigger for her because she feltobligated to be there to engage
and then to drink like thatthere was an expectation to hang
out. When this person came tome, like I was just talking
about earlier, our lives havechanged, this person's a
(22:27):
business owner, a mother wantsto go to the gym in the morning,
right and like this lifestyle,just wasn't cutting it for her
anymore. And so her herexpectation for herself, right
was that she should be hosting,she should be providing food she
(22:49):
should be providing alcoholshould be she should be hanging
out, she should be engaging, hadthe expectation for her husband,
that, you know, he should beasking her if it's okay for
people to come over and moreconsiderate of their schedule.
And all of these things, right.
So this, these, all of theseexpectations, were creating a
(23:10):
multitude of emotions inside ofher body, which also Prime's the
body even more. So for to wantto need to relieve that emotion,
right. Because when the emotionof stress and overwhelm and
frustration and anger had beenassociated with alcohol for so
(23:30):
long, you're going to have thattrigger there when you're
already feeling like you'regoing to be expected to drink.
So like you have the thought youhave the belief that there's
this expectation here. And thenyou have the the natural
habitual trigger also havethese, you know, even five
o'clock of these other it's, youknow, it's like a triple whammy
(23:53):
of these emotions causing thatit's causing that stress. So
when we took a step back to lookat her intention, the intention
was all about I want to I wantdowntime, like I want this time
to be peaceful for me. And thenwe got to examine all of these
expectations that weren't spokenthat weren't agreed upon, that
(24:17):
no one else had shared with herright. They were all of these
expectations that were in herbrain based on the past based on
things that had happened in thepast not Beavin stuffs anyone
said. And so when we looked atwhat her intention was, and
started taking action from thatplace, started thinking new
(24:41):
thoughts from that place. Myhusband's allowed to have over
whoever he wants. I am I'm WillI can express my needs. If I
need to. No one needs anythingfor me. They're all grown.
Right? And the way we do that atthe beginning, because it's hard
for people sometimes as we flipthe script like If we flip the
script to put yourself insomeone else's shoes. So what
(25:06):
you need to be able to do is todiscern your intention from your
expectation. And you need to beable to take that step back to
really examine what they are.
And the profound impact thathappens when you do this, and
you practice it, right. Like youcan read a book all day long,
(25:26):
you can listen to the podcastyou want all day long, but until
you actually practice it, andreiterate it again and again,
and again, it has someone likeme, who knows your story,
because I know this story. So ifI see it come up again, I'm
going to be like, hey, there'sthat thing? You know, why is it
different in this situation,right? So maybe you solve the
(25:49):
problem at home, but then you goto a gathering, you go to a
birthday party, and you put thesame expectations back into this
scenario. And then when youstart to generate evidence, in
one circumstance, you realizethat it's actually no different
in all the other circumstancesyour brain has just been, has
(26:09):
just gone, unexamined. So theskill set that you really,
really need here is to be ableto examine your objections,
right? Like, why this won't workfor you, there's bad people out
there, things are unfair, Ican't catch a break. And, you
know, it's true, like oursociety and our culture, there
(26:31):
are people that have been dealta better hand, and we know that
there's institutionalized racismand oppression and,
and things that are very real,and you know what they are, but,
but my, and even in even justfamily dynamics, right, we have
(26:51):
these institutionalizedexpectations of family dynamics,
my invitation is, is, is itgoing to be the most useful for
you and for all of us to makechanges on a bigger scale from a
smaller scale in your family toa wider scale to the social
constructs, right? If all we'redoing is focusing on what's not
working, or if we want to focuson our truth, and our
(27:17):
sovereignty, the sovereigntythat we do have, which is our
ability to think freely. Rightnow, there's been a lot of
conditioning that has happenedbecause of some of these
structures. But it doesn't meanthat you can't dismantle your
beliefs, right about who youare, and what you're capable of
your ability to direct your mindand where you place your
(27:40):
attention is the skill set, youneed. The very first skill set,
you need to start to, first ofall understand why this change
is the most important change andwill have the exponential impact
on your growth for the rest ofyour life. And why nothing else
(28:00):
is more important than this,where else you're placing your
attention and just bufferingyour attention away. And really
getting down to the nitty grittyof examining your expectations,
these unspoken expectations thatare just based on your beliefs,
(28:21):
your cultural conditioning,societal conditioning, right,
and like, and then your realintentions, your values, your
intuition, and start to takeyour attention to what you have
control over which is which ismanaging your mind. And the best
best thing that you can do is toget started right now, applying
(28:43):
these tools in your life, allyou need to do is to go to
follow the link in the shownotes. Pick the best time and
date that works for you to meetfor a one on one absolutely free
alignment session for you, whereI will help you implement for
(29:06):
you the three step proven methodthat all of my clients use that
is going to be geared towardsdirectly what you need. And I
can help you pull out where yourwhere your expectations are
overriding your intention.
Right? The intention for myclient was that everyone has
(29:29):
sovereignty, everyone gets to behappy and enjoy that space after
work. So if she allowed him tohave that, then there was no
reason she couldn't take it forherself. And then of course,
there's like having aconversation. Have you had a
conversation? Can you ask ifpeople could come over right? So
like there's we go in layers,but we start with where you have
(29:50):
100% control, which is in yourthoughts, your emotions and your
actions. Have an amazing day.
Keep up Good work, share thisepisode for someone you know
will love it and can greatlybenefit from it. And I'll talk
to you next week. Oh, one morething. I make sure you turn Tune
(30:10):
in next week and for the nextfive episodes after that, I am
going to be doing a reboot ofthe five shifts process. These
are the five simple butessential shifts that are going
to shift your perspective thathas you worrying about alcohol
The time has you regrettingalcohol, the time has you having
no confidence to walk down thewine aisle in the liquor store
(30:34):
without running all the time.
This is the process that changesall of that for you to give you
confidence to shift yourperspective to help you and the
shame and judgment and to get onwith living the life you deserve
to live. And exploring thosedreams that you've been putting
on the backburner that youthought were never going to
happen. Like it's time girl, I'mhere for you. I'll talk to you
(30:55):
soon. Okay, ladies, so the fundoes not have to end here. This
is actually where it begins, itis time for you to take the next
best step to start applyingthese tools and these principles
into your life. And I have madeit extremely seamless and super
easy for you to get the supportthat you need in a one on one
personalized setting so that Ican really see specifically
(31:16):
where you're at and thattogether we can create a
personalized three step strategyprocess that's in alignment with
your intentions, your values,your lifestyles, and it gives
you that one on one, FaceTimeand space that you need to
transform to be seen to be heardand to be validated. So all you
have to do is follow the link inthe show notes or go to my
(31:39):
website Mary Wagstaff coach.comto pick your best time and date
for your free one on onealignment session with me. I
cannot wait to meet you and I'llsee you soon.
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