October 1, 2025 • 52 mins
What happens when kink leaves the dungeon and hits the mainstream? From TikTok tutorials on rope play to luxury fashion houses sending models down the runway in harnesses, BDSM isn’t hiding in the shadows anymore. But has kink lost its edge—or finally become safer and more accessible?
In this Kinktober special, I’m joined by Amanda Dames, kink educator, coach, and host of The Kink Consultant Podcast. Together we explore:
✨ How TikTok & social media helped normalize kink
✨ Why chastity & Locktober are exploding in popularity
✨ The rise of femdom, cuckolding, foot fetishes, and more
✨ Why some gatekeepers resist kink going mainstream
✨ How to safely dip your toes into kink this Kinktober—without shame
👉 Don’t miss this conversation if you’re curious about exploring kink or just want to understand how it’s shaping modern culture.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_02 (00:02):
I'm Annette Benedetti, host of the podcast
formerly known as Locker RoomTalk and Shots.
The show has a new name, TalkSex within It.
But at its core, this is stillyour locker room.
It's where we strip away shame,get curious, and speak the
unspoken about sex, kink,dating, pleasure, and desire.
Around here, nothing's offlimits.
(00:24):
These are the kinds ofconversations we save for our
boldest group chats, our mosttrusted friends, and of course,
the women's locker room.
Think raw, honest, and sometimesunapologetically raunchy.
If you've been here from thebeginning, thank you.
And if you're new, welcome to mypodcast where desire meets
disruption and pleasure becomespower.
(00:46):
Now, let's talk about sex.
Cheers.
Today's Talk Sex within Nettopic is mainstreaming kink from
TikTok trends to Locktoberobsessions.
Has kink gone to mainstream?
From TikTok tutorials on rope toluxury fashion houses sending
(01:10):
models down the runway andharnesses, BDSM is not hiding in
the shadows anymore.
And some say kink has lost itsedge.
Others argue it's the best thingthat could have happened for
acceptance, education, and saferplay.
And since October is officiallyKinktober, and yes, Locktober,
one of my favorite holidays, Icouldn't think of a better time
(01:32):
to dive in.
Today I am joined by AmandaDames, Kink Educator, coach, and
host of the Kink ConsultantPodcast.
And together we are going toexplore what happens when kink
hits mainstream, why sometaboos, like chastity, are
exploding in popularity, and howyou, whether you are curious or
(01:52):
cautious, can start dipping yourtoes into the kinky pool without
fear or shame.
But before I dive in, I want toremind y'all that I'm over on
OnlyFans, and there I'm sharingmy sex and intimacy, how-tos,
tutorials, audio guidedself-pleasure, meditations, and
an opportunity to test thewaters with my coaching.
(02:13):
You can go over there, and ifyou're not ready to commit to
full coaching regimen, if youwill, you can ask me singular
questions and I will get you theanswers you want.
You can find me over there withmy handle at TalkSex withinet.
You can find me on Substackdoing a lot of the same, minus
the coaching at TalkSex withAnnet.
And you can scroll down andyou're going to find all the
(02:33):
links to wherever you want tofind me.
And I'm looking forward toseeing you there.
But for now, Amanda, can youtake over the mic and tell my
listeners more about you?
SPEAKER_01 (02:43):
Yeah, sure.
Thank you so much.
I'm excited to talk about all ofthose topics.
I'm Amanda Dames, also known asthe Kink Consultant, and I'm a
sex and relationship coach whospecializes in kink.
I work with couples andindividuals to introduce and
maintain kink in their lives.
And I work with a lot of peoplewho are married, typically over
(03:03):
40, and they want to reintroducethe spark.
And more often than not, one ofthe two people has a kink or
specific desire that theyhaven't been so comfortable
sharing with their partner andthey just want a little bit of
help.
I've been called the kinkconvincer and the kink mediator
before as well, because that'show I help couples to really
reintroduce that spark and havea good intimate relationship in
(03:25):
the bedroom.
Yeah.
So I and I can be found onInstagram as the underscore kink
consultant, on TikTok as thekink consultant, or on anywhere
you get podcasts.
If you just look up the kinkconsultant, I'm there too.
SPEAKER_02 (03:37):
Well, this is where I usually tell y'all what why to
stay to the end.
But I think she gave you youranswer because I know this is a
very common problem, challenge,if you will, that people have
wanting to introduce somethingkinky, spicy into their
relationship and not knowing howto have those conversations.
So we are going to talk abouthow kink has gone a bit more
(04:02):
mainstream.
And that might benefit you inyour own bedroom, what the
effects of that are.
We're going to talk about someof the kinks that are now
becoming popular, if you will.
And then, of course, by the endof this, we are going to be
telling you how you can dip yourtoe in the bot water, including
how you can talk to your partnerand maybe convince them to go on
(04:24):
the journey with you.
I'm excited for thisconversation.
I love these kind of talks.
And I feel very uh lucky to haveyou here to do this with me
today, Amanda.
I can't think of a better guest.
SPEAKER_01 (04:36):
So I was honored you asked.
SPEAKER_02 (04:38):
So thank you.
So cheers.
Let's talk about kink.
I am ready.
Cheers.
So when did you first notice ashift in that kink had started
to become more mainstream?
A lot of the things we used toconsider kinky or taboo were now
being integrated, if you will,into vanilla life.
SPEAKER_01 (05:02):
I think that that has only happened in the last
five, six, maybe I'm gonna say2018.
So, like let's say that's sevenyears.
Yeah, that's what I'm gonna say.
I know a lot of people who willargue when Fifty Shades of Grey
came out, but I remember when 50Shades came out.
I was involved in the communitythen and it wasn't mainstream.
I actually thank TikTok andInstagram for bringing this into
(05:26):
the mainstream a little bitmore.
So that's why I'm gonna clock itat 2018.
SPEAKER_02 (05:31):
I would agree with you.
When I started this podcast, uh,one of the big inks I talked
about a lot, I had a guest whocame on all the time who went
into chastity, male chastity,and it was so taboo.
And uh just over the course ofI'm now four and a half, five
years into this podcast, there'sbeen a huge shift.
(05:52):
So, but I agree with you.
It probably the shift startedbefore then, even.
Can you talk about or name someof the platforms you think have
played a role in the shift?
SPEAKER_01 (06:04):
Ooh, okay.
I'm gonna tell you that thismight be an unpopular or
shocking opinion.
Two different platforms.
Kindle Unlimited.
People get a subscription to KimKindle Unlimited.
They can have 10$10 a month fora bunch of books for free.
Erotica is so high up there thatI actually think that women
reading erotica is normalizingit.
(06:26):
Thank God.
Okay, so I it's a little outthere.
I'm going mainstream though,because I also think TV shows
they used to joke about it, andthen it became something you
didn't joke about anymore.
It making jokes about it as muchas I hate Kink to be the butt of
a joke, normalizes it a littlebit.
So we had shows like Billionscome out in that show.
The husband and wife, I thinkit's played by Paul Giamatti and
(06:49):
Maggie Siff.
She's his dom.
And I think that that starts tonormalize it as well.
These are powerful individuals,well, um looking normal from the
outside.
Do you know what I mean?
I think those two alone, then Imean, you know better than
anyone, OnlyFans.
I think that the mainstream ofsex work with OnlyFans being so
(07:12):
accessible, that helped a lottoo.
I see, I could, I'm likeprioritizing of like, okay,
where do I actually think itcame from?
And then I think TikTok andInstagram sort of brought it,
like I'd say those five then.
It's like four or five.
Those together are what madeKink a little bit more
mainstream.
But can I also throw in one morething?
(07:33):
It's so hard to decide when itbecomes mainstream because
Madonna was saying stuff in the80s.
Jean-Paul Gautier was designingin the 80s in a way that we now
associate it with like very BDSMlooks, you know?
So it's so hard to, I wonder ifit comes and goes in waves.
But for me, we're at the pointof no return.
We're never going back to morepuritanical, non-kinky
(07:54):
representation.
SPEAKER_02 (07:56):
Right.
I agree with you.
There's been this massive shift.
There are also shows now onNetflix that highlight kinky
lifestyles and and how to getmore involved in kink.
And, you know, some of them dodamage.
They make, you know, it's thedarker side of kink and this and
(08:16):
that.
But there are some document, notonly documentaries, I would even
shows like Goop, Gwyneth Paltra,I can't remember the name of it.
I didn't watch all of it.
Um, but she highlighteddifferent kink experts in her
own little series for that.
You know, and and that that wassort of seeding the thought, I
(08:40):
think, in a lot ofheteronormative, somewhat
vanilla couples' minds that oh,well, if Gwyneth Palatro is
willing to put this on TV, itmust mean it's okay, right?
It must mean it's not a badthing to do.
SPEAKER_01 (08:56):
I know.
And no matter how you feel abouther, she really brought a lot to
the forefront.
Like her yoni, her steaming yonithing, like taking care of your
vagina and caring about yourvagina, talking about it out
loud.
We do have her to thank forthat, I think, in a major way,
because she was one of the firstfamous people to do it.
SPEAKER_02 (09:15):
Um yeah, I'm happy with any celebrity who wants to
like add in some like pussypositive stuff or kink positive
stuff or sex positive.
I'm not gonna rip it down and belike, you go, girl.
You want to talk about it, evenif it's not my thing, or I'm
like, ugh, how annoying.
It's like still a good thing.
So I guess that brings me to howdo you feel about how mainstream
(09:38):
do you think kink is now?
And in your mind, is it apositive or a negative?
SPEAKER_01 (09:44):
I would argue it's not mainstream enough.
And what I mean by that is I'mon one lately about this.
Choking in porn, we saw a hugerise in it.
We saw a huge rise in safetyconcerns because people were
getting hurt from it.
It's almost like kink is somainstream, except it's not
mainstream enough for us toeducate on it.
(10:04):
It's not mainstream enough forus to know how to do it safely.
So, as mainstream as it is, withwhere we see it in fashion on
TikTok, it's not mainstreamenough that we're comfortable
talking about how to do itsafely.
So I think we have a little bitof a ways to go in how
mainstream it is.
And I'm here for it.
I mean, I'm out here trying tomake it slightly more
(10:25):
mainstream.
I think that we've seen thebiggest jump recently.
And my favorite part of thoughabout kink being more mainstream
is our conversations aroundconsent.
I think consent conversations,you the use of safe words so
much more popular and mainstreamnow than before.
And it's helping frame whatconsent is and how to have
(10:48):
conversations so that people aregetting slightly less hurt in
normal, I hate using normal, butvanilla activities, like
straightforward sex.
And I think that like that iswhat happens as we mainstream
this.
Do you know what I mean?
It's like helping across theboard.
SPEAKER_02 (11:04):
One of the things I'm also really curious about is
there are people who don't likethe mainstreaming of kink.
Why why would that be?
SPEAKER_01 (11:15):
Why would that be?
Great question, Annette.
I have a huge issue with thosepeople who are against the
mainstreaming of kink.
And I'm gonna I call themgatekeepers.
They feel that they were specialand different and doing this way
back when.
So they feel a little hard doneby the fact that so many people
have easier access to it.
They're more openly accepted.
(11:36):
I know there are dating appsspecifically for people who are
kinky now.
I've used some of those datingapps.
I think that they are justannoyed that it's for everyone.
Because if they were really, ifthey cared so much about kink,
they would be like, hey,welcome.
We're excited you're here.
Here's how to do this safely.
So the people annoyed at themainstreaming of kink are people
(11:58):
I take personal issue with.
I think that they are justgatekeepers, they're old guard,
and they need to move out of theway because they're part of the
reason I think people aren'tlooking to educate themselves
better.
They don't want to go into acommunity where there's
hostility about the new personshowing up, even when they want
to learn.
SPEAKER_02 (12:15):
Right.
And also that's not what I wouldcall sex positive, right?
It's it's sex negative.
It's like it's um like keepingpeople, wanting to keep people
in the dark about the pleasurepotential that's out there and
the vast world that sex is andthat it's available to people.
SPEAKER_01 (12:36):
A hundred percent.
And it's something that I'vecome across a lot.
The more popularity I gained onsocial media, the more I had
those people, not I won't saythey came after me, but there
was a lot, I would get DMs beinglike, Who are you to talk about
kink?
And I mean that.
I have DMs from other podcasthosts from when I first started.
And I think the idea was like, Ididn't look like the traditional
(12:58):
person who's into kink.
I definitely didn't look likeold guard.
And I was like, you know, I'dhave to come with my
credentials.
And that's fair.
I understand people wanting tounderstand my credentials.
It was the undertone of you'renot one of us, so you shouldn't
be talking about this.
And my point was always peoplewho partake in kink, BDSM
(13:19):
practitioners, if you will, asthey're officially called, look
a whole bunch of different ways.
And there's no way that youcan't box everyone into one type
of thing.
And I think part of that lack ofsex positivity is people are
like, we're kink, this is how werepresent ourselves, this is how
it's been for the last 50 years.
So stay in line.
And that's not how it worksanymore.
unknown (13:40):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (13:41):
Kink is for everyone.
I used to have a good friend ofmine dominate Russian dominatrix
Lucy would come on and she wouldsay she was like, There are two
types of people.
There are kinky people andliars.
SPEAKER_00 (13:55):
I love that.
I have never heard that, but uhyeah, seal of approval, agree
with that.
There are kinky people andliars.
I love it.
SPEAKER_02 (14:04):
And I think that the mainstreaming allows people to
stop hiding so much and and sortof pushing down and bearing the
desires that they have andfinding the partners and
engaging in intimacy that willfulfill them, right?
SPEAKER_01 (14:21):
Yeah, oh 100%.
And what I think the number onekink that comes to mind when we
talk about the mainstreaming iscuckolding.
And there's a couple of thingsthat contributed to that.
Do you remember in 2016, leavingpolitics aside, the word cuck
and the derogatory term of likeyou're a cuck started to make
(14:42):
its way into the mainstream?
I think people began to be like,what the fuck does that even
mean?
And it means cuckolding.
And I think that that becamemore prevalent.
And with that, the conversationopened up, which allowed more
people to understand what itwas, and then that normalizes
it, even just knowing what itis.
So instead of just saying, hey,wife, I want you to go fuck some
(15:04):
other guy, and maybe I want tobe there and watch and have it
feel a little embarrassing forme.
There was a word for it then.
And so much power exists in alabel.
I know there's a lot of angeraround labels and a lot of anger
around naming, and people arelike, oh, we have too many
labels.
I always say it's a really goodsignpost for helping you see the
direction you want to go in.
And that's what cuckolding is.
(15:25):
And that word making it into themainstream just helped that kink
become a little more normalized.
SPEAKER_02 (15:31):
Yeah, so many people have it.
So this is a great place in thisconversation to start talking
about with the mainstreaming ofkink.
What are some of the kinks thatare now growing rapidly in
popularity?
Obviously, cuck holding.
And so again, can you repeatwhat that is?
(15:53):
Because it is out thereeverywhere.
SPEAKER_01 (15:56):
Yes, it is.
Cuckolding is a kink where theman, because then there's cuck
queening where that would be theopposite, but let's talk about
cuckolding.
The a married man derivespleasure out of the humiliation
of knowing his wife is havingsex with another man, and he
enjoys some of the humiliationof like, you can't satisfy her
(16:18):
the way this other man can.
Like, let's call him a bull, theman that the woman is going off
to have sex with.
And sometimes the husband who'swants to be a little bit
embarrassed by this, he'swatching, or he just knows it's
happening, and the wife mightcome back and tell him stories.
And then he gets off on the ideaof, wow, that's my wife going
off and being with someone else.
(16:39):
Can I just say a side note ofnot to be confused with hot
wifing, which is almost theexact same scenario, except it's
not the embarrassment or shame.
It's almost like a pride thing.
The wife is confidently goingoff and having sex.
The guy's like, My wife's sohot.
Look at her go off and have sex.
There's a little more conversionand excitement for the husband
in that case, and it's lessabout the embarrassment.
SPEAKER_02 (17:01):
This is funny because I actually wanted to do
a whole discussion on thedifference between them because
I'm confused myself.
I've never been in that kind ofdynamic.
But it's so it's the exact samedynamic almost.
It's the intention and thefeelings that you're getting off
on uh from it are different,correct?
SPEAKER_01 (17:21):
That's a hundred percent it.
That's exactly it.
And I know it's kind of it'shard to imagine it, but it's
it's really about the motivationbehind it.
SPEAKER_02 (17:30):
Yeah, no, I get it.
I get it.
I've definitely I've been inpartnerships where you know
we've either we've been in likethree sims or or four sims or
whatever, and I can kind of getthe feeling behind it.
I've never been in a uh like atrue hot wifing situation.
I'd be a hot wife, god damn it.
I mean, I'd be a great hot wife.
SPEAKER_01 (17:52):
And now this is all part of the normalization
process.
Now you're gonna go off and be ahot yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (18:00):
Um, all right.
So and that really has gone moremainstream with kink coming into
sort of the spotlight.
I mean, everyone talks that yougo to a hotel room and
everyone's like, yep, it's got acuck chair, you know.
SPEAKER_01 (18:15):
There's whole Instagram accounts for that now.
SPEAKER_02 (18:18):
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, I've got to check that out.
But yeah, so it's something thatis talked about.
Well, it's used derogatorily byincels, usually, who aren't
getting any sex at all.
But it's also just becoming moreum, I don't know if I would say
accepted.
Well, I think a lot of peoplewant to do it and do it, but
it's still, you know, no onewants to admit, like, yeah, I
(18:40):
really like seeing my, you know,wife get railed.
SPEAKER_01 (18:43):
So it's not talked about regularly in social
circles, but the number of womenI have spoken to who will admit
to me that their husband orboyfriend at least dirty talks
about it in the bedroom duringsex.
Because that's honestly a reallygreat way to have your needs met
just by dirty talking it.
And you can feel like you've hadthe experience without fully
(19:04):
having it.
And sometimes people think theywant to go the full way, but
really just exploring thefantasy in their mind during sex
is enough for them.
So, like it's actually quite acommon fantasy.
Maybe it's not so common thatpeople are actually acting on
it.
SPEAKER_02 (19:18):
All right, all right, and Chris.
Let's talk about another onethat I know has become more and
more popular and it's verypopular here on my channel.
And I uh have covered it everyyear because Locktober, we are
we are on the cusp of well,actually, we are at the time
that this airs, we are inKinktober.
So get get your creative ideasand juices flowing while you
(19:42):
listen to this.
It is also known as Locktober,and I will be sending all of my
listeners plenty ofe-newsletters with all of those
episodes from past years tolisten to.
But Locktober involves malechastity.
It could be it could be anychastity, couldn't it?
SPEAKER_01 (20:00):
You mean women nor men?
I mean, you could lock up a Ithink about this a lot because
I'm all about equality, but Idon't know any women taking part
in Locktober.
I think that's like please reachout to Locked up.
Yeah, one of us.
I'm a sub.
I wouldn't mind taking part inLocktober, I guess, but it's it
(20:21):
doesn't have the same appeal ascaging.
Like, I'm just gonna be honest,a chastity belt is nowhere near
as cool as a cage.
SPEAKER_02 (20:28):
Yeah, I will say I was shocked the first time I
caged my my ex's cock whatbecause I was curious, I was
learning about it.
I'm like, hey, can I slap a cageon your cock and see?
And I was actually shocked atwhat a turn on it was.
I tend to be Dom in myconnections with women when I'm
(20:50):
dating uh women or a Volvaowner, and sometimes I tend more
towards sub with male partners,but that's been shifting, that's
been shifting quite a bitlately.
And I slapped a Kate, I didn'tactually slap it on, guys.
Uh we placed it upon the cock,and I was like, oh, oh, it is
(21:10):
hot, it is appealing, it'spretty interesting.
I love the idea of a cockgetting hard and then coming up
against those bars of the cageand being like, no, no, no.
SPEAKER_01 (21:20):
You know, there's such a level of control and
power in it.
And you know, side note, I saythe same thing about pegging.
Like, until you put a strap onon, like, please don't knock it.
You know, it's exciting to havethat, and you kind of have a
similar power when you're cagingsomeone.
SPEAKER_02 (21:37):
Yeah, I like caging, and maybe this is why it's so
popular.
There is part of I think indating and that romantic
relationships and sexualrelationships where we start to
feel possessive.
I think that can be very normal.
A feeling hopefully you workthrough it and you don't become
crazy or insane about it.
(21:57):
But think about it.
Of course, you want to like cagethat cock and be like, that's
mine, or the the I I'm down toI'm down to cage a Vulva.
SPEAKER_01 (22:06):
Like it's mine, and we play with it when I want to.
You don't get to play with it byyourself, but I get to choose
when we play with it.
Like, there's so much power inthat, it's a huge turn on.
SPEAKER_02 (22:17):
Yeah, maybe I'll give it give it give it a try
this Locktober with a Vulva.
Um yeah, but so Locktober forthe month of October, people who
participate in it put a can puta cock or a pussy in uh in a
(22:38):
chastity belt for the right,right.
And and it can be some peoplehave worked up to being able to
do it all month long while alsochanging the cage and taking
care of business, you know,because you gotta, but or you
can do it for small periods oftime each day, correct?
SPEAKER_01 (22:54):
Yeah, there's so much on there's so many options
in it.
You could go the first 30 days,but if this is your dipping your
toe in the water of chastity,just plan to do it for a couple
of hours a day, maybe a fullday, maybe overnight.
You figure out what it feelslike, but start small.
Like use this as an opportunityto go for it.
Maybe you've done it for a dayhere or there and you move up to
(23:16):
like four days, you know, justinch along.
It's I recently had it describedto me as when you go to the gym,
you don't start working outgoing zero to a hundred, like
running 10 miles on thetreadmill, then going to a like
a spin class and then liftingweights.
Start by like walking on thetreadmill, maybe working your
way up to a jog, similarsituation.
SPEAKER_02 (23:36):
So, why do you think this ink in particular has, I
mean, it is not one that Ithought would go as mainstream
as it has.
What?
SPEAKER_01 (23:50):
Why?
Okay, I have a theory on this.
I have no proof.
I think our the ease of accessto porn makes it so that there's
nothing stopping anybodyanymore, right?
And I think that we are lookingfor checks and balances.
People like boundaries.
And I think that this is theultimate boundary because they
can't get hard, they can'tpleasure themselves.
(24:11):
In a world where we can havewhatever we want, we're looking
for a way to like to stop.
That becomes the what is theword I'm looking for?
That becomes the moment for themof like, okay, this is the
excitement now.
Something's being withheld fromme, even if they're doing it to
themselves.
And I think there's excitementin that that we're not used to
anymore.
(24:32):
You want a package, order it onAmazon Prime, you get it by like
4 a.m.
the next morning.
Everything's on demand.
Any TV show, any piece of music,everything is on demand.
So now we're looking at ways tomake our lives harder.
SPEAKER_02 (24:43):
And I think that anticipation, anticipation, and
anticipation drives arousal.
SPEAKER_01 (24:49):
Yeah.
And we're there's a way to workthis in.
You can do it on your own.
You can self-cage, or you can doit with a partner.
So there are a lot of optionsthere too.
And so that's like myoverarching thing of like, this
is why I think it's blowing upso much.
But I know on an individuallevel, men say that being caged
helps them focus more.
(25:10):
They know they're not thinkingabout sex as much.
So it opens up time for them togo to the gym, get more work
done because they're like, okay,this is off the table at least
for 12 hours.
It I can't even potentially useit as a distraction.
So there are actual real worldbenefits that I think encourage
more men to try it.
There are blogs of people sayingthey're self-caging and they're
(25:30):
talking about their experiencesof all men just comparing
stories, saying, like, this iswhat I do.
There's almost a there's acommunity around it, just like
any other community.
SPEAKER_02 (25:39):
Well, so there you are, guys.
If you have not tried it yet, Ihave a guide.
I will send you on how to choosea cage, because getting the
cage, the right cage is a wholething.
It's a it's a whole thing.
I will I will send you how tomeasure and pick your right
cage.
Although you can start withright uh uh like a silicone cage
or something a little biteasier.
SPEAKER_01 (25:59):
I guess you can, but I always recommend people that
want to try it.
Like you're going to have abetter experience if it is fit
for your size, because if it'snot for your size, it could be
more painful, it might not workthe same way.
So I recommend if you areinterested in this try in trying
it, it's worth the smallinvestment to measure and get
the right one.
SPEAKER_02 (26:19):
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because I know that when I wastrying to find the right one
with my ex, it was like it tooka lot of different tries getting
the sizing right and then alsosomething that was comfortable.
But so there's a lot ofinformation out there to help
you figure that out, but youmight want to give it a try.
I'm gonna look into femalechastity belts.
(26:42):
I'm curious, anyways.
So we've talked about cuck,cucking, hot wifing, and
chastity.
Can you name another?
What are some other kinks thatare going mainstream right now?
Other than look, we knowchoking, which would, you know,
problematic.
You got to learn how to joke.
But but I'm talking about some,you know, unique kinks we didn't
(27:06):
think were gonna go mainstreamthat are.
SPEAKER_01 (27:09):
Okay, so I have to say the foot fetish, because
that is now so mainstream.
I don't even like there arearguments in my comment section
being like, no, it's mainstream.
And there are people being like,I have a foot fetish, it's not
mainstream.
Like, I think everyone who has akink or a fetish that they
really need is going toexperience that feeling from
time to time.
Here's one that's not supermainstream, but everyone's more
(27:32):
aware of it than I expected themto be.
Wearing diapers.
So, I mean, I'm not shocking youby telling you that, right?
That that is a kink people have.
SPEAKER_02 (27:43):
Yes, I know it's a kink.
I didn't expect you to say,yeah, I didn't know this was
gonna come up.
I like it.
Let's talk.
SPEAKER_01 (27:49):
So here's why I'm mentioning it.
A year and a half ago or twoyears ago, some woman in New
Hampshire opened up an adultdaycare, but like not like an
old person's home.
Like a come here and we will putyou in diapers and infantilize
you and have you let you havethis adult baby diaper lover,
shortened it ABDL experience.
(28:12):
And she got shut down almostimmediately.
But it was both shocking andmainstream enough that that
story took off.
You know, it wasn't sometimesweird kings happen and no one
pays attention to it.
That one took hold becausepeople were fascinated by it and
there were conversations aroundit.
So that one, okay, maybe I'mfascinated by it because I think
(28:35):
it is the most shamed by theking community, but it is
growing in popularity becausemore and more people know it
exists.
SPEAKER_02 (28:40):
And they want to wear diapers.
More and more people areadmitting to wanting to wear
diapers.
SPEAKER_01 (28:44):
Yes, exactly.
I mean, and the places this popsup, there is there are comedians
who I've heard talk about it.
They do audience work and likeit comes up.
Yes, they want to wear diapers.
Some people want to use thediapers and have them changed,
others just want to be in it formultiple different reasons.
Okay.
So maybe that's maybe that'slike uh what I'm doing there is
(29:06):
I'm saying, watch this space.
I think it's on its way tomainstream.
SPEAKER_02 (29:11):
Yeah.
I mean, I could see when drivinglong distance where I would find
it to be an asset.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (29:19):
Who else?
I I mean, people wear diapersNew Year's Eve, Times Square
because they have well, thatwould make sense.
SPEAKER_02 (29:25):
I don't know if I could if I could pee in front of
everybody or an I think uhgolden showers are are more
mainstream now.
Well, our president like gotgolden showers.
We know he did.
SPEAKER_01 (29:38):
I mean it's quite common that it was something I
did regularly as a pro dom, andthat was over 10 years ago.
SPEAKER_02 (29:46):
Like being being asked to this was a request,
common request to be oh yes, Iwould pee on someone or in their
mouth, which is kind of like agolden shower, but more direct.
Correct.
Was that a common request?
Peeing in the mouth.
SPEAKER_01 (30:04):
Yes.
It was something.
It's a degradation thing forpeople and they enjoy it.
I'd also recommend it a lotbecause I thought it was really
fun to do.
I bet.
I bet.
There's a little T.
So good questions.
What else is super common?
Okay.
I don't even know if I'dconsider this a kink.
(30:25):
Men wearing women's panties.
So common.
Men wearing women's laundry.
I made a video about it becauseI get a lot of, as a coach, I
get a lot of women contacting mesaying, my husband I caught my
husband or boyfriend wearing mypanties.
And I talk them down from theledge of like, okay, look, I
know that's shocking.
It can be jarring.
I'm sorry that you didn'tconsent to having him wear your
(30:46):
panties.
Like that wasn't okay.
But I want you to know this isvery common.
It doesn't mean because there'sso many misconceptions.
Oh, he's gay.
He's a freak.
I hate even seeing these things,saying these things because it's
so sad to me.
But once I normalize it for theperson, they start to realize,
okay, it is common.
I had a video go viral on it.
I got dozens of DMs from peoplesaying, thank you for putting
(31:07):
this out there.
I like to wear women's panties.
And there are so many reasons.
So I think that's much, it'sinteresting.
I just think more people aredoing it than are talking about
it.
So it's not mainstream yet, butthere are now companies making
men's lacy lingerie because somefor some people they like the
feel.
And like women get really softmaterial that men don't have the
(31:28):
same access to.
They like the lace.
Some men have told me that theylike it because it makes them
feel closer to their partnerwearing it.
That's an interesting one for mebecause I can't relate to it,
but I like the perspective thatI'd never considered before.
SPEAKER_02 (31:42):
Women love to put their their boyfriend's
button-up shirts on or theirlike t-shirts on.
It's like, or I I mean, I don'tknow.
I've seen lots of girls put ontheir guys' boxers and wear them
around his shorts.
SPEAKER_01 (31:56):
That's a hundred percent true.
And that's like the otherargument of like, why do we need
undergarments to be gendered atall?
Like, if women can wear boxers,like men can't wear, I don't
know, a lacy thong.
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (32:10):
Well, that's just society deeming.
That's how these things becomekinks.
Like I was thinking about it theother day.
Again, my last in my lastpartnership was the first time I
encountered someone who waslike, Oh, I've got a foot
fetish.
And it was almost he was kind ofopen about it from the
beginning.
And it was almost for me like amaybe this isn't my thing
(32:30):
person.
Like, I don't know if I can datesomeone who has this.
And this was, of course, I'vecome a long way since those
days.
And I was thinking about it theother day, and I was thinking,
well, if someone tells you theyhave a foot foot fetish, maybe
like your first approach shouldbe, okay, well, I want you to
pay for me to go get a nicepedicure, like once a month.
(32:52):
Like, make the most out of it,even if you're like, I don't
know if it's my thing.
And and then you get theopportunity to explore someone's
body with something other thanyour hands.
You know what I mean?
What an interesting experiencewhen you really think about it.
Because I don't know, eroticismis fun when we stop just like
(33:14):
doing the obvious, using ourhands, like put pressing our
bodies against each other,pressing our bodies against
different areas of each other.
For two vulva owners, when womenare having sex with women, like
you always see scissoring, whichis you know vulva against vulva.
But in actuality, a lot of uhvulva on vulva sex can or well,
(33:34):
sex with two vulva owners can begrinding against a hip or a
thigh or a breast.
Like you can grind againstanything.
Why wouldn't you use your feetto explore someone's body or
penis or vulvas well?
As long as they're clean,welcome, go get your petty, get
a good pedicure or regularpedicures out of it.
SPEAKER_01 (33:55):
That's it's so funny you say that.
That is the exact type of likemediating advice or convincing
advice I use because it allowsboth people to take pleasure in
this new venture, right?
Instead of it just beingone-sided.
That is amazing advice.
Yeah, go get your pedicure outof it, give it a try.
SPEAKER_02 (34:11):
Yeah, when you're just putting feet on a dick,
like how big of a deal is it?
SPEAKER_01 (34:17):
Come on.
It's actually like yoga positionuh or butterfly position.
Well, I know.
unknown (34:23):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (34:24):
Oh, I know.
It's you will also end up withreally toned thighs, strong
lower back, contract your abswhile you're doing it, folks.
Super important.
SPEAKER_01 (34:36):
I mean, that could be an episode in itself of like,
here's the fitness, like go workon these things, or you don't
even need to.
This is like the exercise youcan do.
Exactly.
Yeah.
So, oh, all good questions.
I'm like, what else am I has sonormal to me that I cannot think
of right now?
I don't know.
I I think women just being in amore dominant position, I'm
(34:57):
really enjoying seeing the riseof that.
SPEAKER_02 (34:59):
The femme dom, what are we talking about?
That is one of the absolutebiggest kinks, fetishes,
whatever you want to call it,that is on the rise, and more
men admitting uh that they wanta woman to take charge in the
bedroom.
SPEAKER_01 (35:18):
Yes.
The unfortunate thing is there'sa gap right now.
The men are admitting it, thewomen are still catching up,
right?
But I'm working with a lot ofwomen who want to learn how to
be more dominant in the bedroom.
And it's a confidence issue,which I understand.
When you're put in charge, it'shard to know what to say, how to
act, how to touch, how to move,and to really own your own voice
(35:38):
when you haven't typically feltthat confidence before.
I was just talking to someoneearlier this week about how I
make a way better dom in mymid-30s than I did in my mid-20s
because I have so muchconfidence and life experience.
And sometimes people need to beguided through that.
But I'm very optimistic thatwe're gonna have like more of a
(35:59):
match with fem doms on the rise.
SPEAKER_02 (36:02):
So I want to comment on that because in my queer life
and my queer relationships, I amconsidered pretty, pretty high
femme, if you will, as a queerwoman.
And I have been seeing someonewho is more masked.
And we were having thisconversation how so many uh mask
(36:25):
queer fems, lesbians, it'sassumed that because they
present masks, that they aregonna be dominant.
And that isn't necessarily whatthey want at all.
That and that it's like theunicorn to look for the queer
femme who wants to be dominantin the bedroom.
(36:45):
Because I do think that a lot ofwomen equate, and you hear it
out there in the fucking farright world a lot, where in
order to be feminine, you needto be soft.
Yes, let me tell you guys.
I'm feminine as fuck.
I'm not always soft in thebedroom, and I have yet to have
(37:07):
a complaint, you know.
SPEAKER_01 (37:10):
Exactly.
And that rhetoric, it even getsinto my head of like, I don't I
don't feel soft in a lot of mylife.
So I feel less feminine becauseof it.
Even though if you ask anyonearound me, they'd be like, Yeah,
you're feminine.
I that even fucks with my mindtoo.
I'm so glad you're calling thatout.
So, yeah, what you justdescribed is something I guess I
(37:32):
hadn't even really thoughtabout.
The challenges that you mightface, or someone who like is
pretty mask faces in findingthat specific mix.
Sometimes that's what makes kinkhard.
Just all of society expects whatyou're expected to be, and then
finding your niche, like yourauthentic self, getting to be
(37:52):
your authentic self with such amix of different sides of you.
SPEAKER_02 (37:57):
I mean, I spent years trying to figure out like
how do I mix like the truthabout my authentic self is I do
have this really strongpersonality and dom side.
And yet I present super feminineand I love being feminine, but
it is interesting when you letgo of the conditioning.
And here is where I think thekinky high comes from is you are
(38:17):
combining the high of beingconfident and powerful with the
high of being super feminine andbeing able to control people
with your femininity, and thenyou bring it into the bedroom
and you get to tell someone whatto do and have them like worship
you and pleasure you, and that'shot as fuck.
I'm just saying.
Or you get to do whatever youwant to them, you get to do
(38:38):
whatever you want.
SPEAKER_01 (38:40):
I like it.
Yeah, don't knock it before youtry it, you know.
And I know there's like thatlittle that moment of like
confidence, but what when youwere describing it, I was like,
it's kind of like when you go toa bar and someone buys you a
drink or sort of falls overthemselves to come talk to you.
SPEAKER_02 (38:55):
It's like that, but times 10 because you are Yeah,
and imagine if they buy thedrink for you and then you tell
them to get down on their kneesand like lick your pussy while
you drink it, hot.
And they do while looking up atyou, starry-eyed while you're
drinking your drink.
SPEAKER_01 (39:14):
It's beautiful, and it's not just a fantasy, you can
make this happen and enjoy theyourself.
SPEAKER_02 (39:21):
So, yeah, I think that the the fem dom is totally
on the rise, and more peoplewant it, are looking for it.
Yeah, that is definitely amainstream thing.
Men uh exploring their prostate.
I think that has beenunfortunately more in the kink
realm and the um pegging andstuff like that is starting.
(39:42):
I've been watching Hunter Wives.
I don't know if you're watchingit, but I cannot wait to watch
tonight.
There's a great pegging scenethat I couldn't even help but
get excited about.
SPEAKER_01 (39:51):
Oh and the way that caught me off guard completely.
And I was like, you go, girl.
I don't like you at all, but Ihave a win this scene now.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (40:02):
Oh my God.
And because that man is he's abig, strong, burly, manly man
and hot and just taking it likea man.
It was it was amazing.
And and that in itself, that's Iguess the there you go.
There is the mainstreaming ofsomething kinky that is
happening through our media.
Baby Girl is, I think the nameis that was that the name of the
(40:24):
show, Nicole Kidman was it.
Also, guys, go watch that.
That is a great kink, a kinkyshow that came out.
SPEAKER_01 (40:32):
Yeah, I loved Baby Girl because so many.
Here's wow, I feel like I'vejust come on your podcast to
rant, but like, let's go likegetting on my soapbox again.
So many people expect kink tojust work out, right?
And the Dom is gonna be incharge and he's gonna know
everything to do.
And this sub can just be thislittle doe-eyed idiot who
doesn't stand up for themselvesand it takes no ownership of
(40:54):
what's about to happen, right?
So once again, this movie comesin, and even though the guy is
young, there's this expectation,well, he's a Dom, he should know
everything.
And I literally want to shakepeople when this comes up
because I'm like, are youfucking kidding me right now?
Let's just work with the factthat, all right, Dom man, we're
acting like women should not beempowered, they should not be
advocating for themselves,advocating for their own safety.
(41:16):
And yes, in an ideal world, hewould have known everything and
it would have been perfect.
But baby girl was a realisticrepresentation of what kink and
exploring it can be like.
People are embarrassed to bringthis up in their marriages, so
they explore it outside.
So the cheating, that alone isunderstandable, relatable.
I will say that, right?
The whirlwind of an exciting,passionate affair, like it moves
(41:40):
fast just like it did in themovie.
And the idea, I heard my mosthated criticism of that movie is
are you telling me AntonioBanderas wouldn't do whatever
Nicole Kidman wanted, like interms of her being submissive?
And I'm like, yes, that isexactly how it happens in real
life.
Those are my clients, and itdoes like people don't just
(42:01):
acquiesce to what their partnerwants.
There needs to be discussion.
So like I have a lot of rants onthat because so many people came
out with that preconceivednotion that the Dom needs to
know everything, and that's justnot real life.
SPEAKER_02 (42:13):
No, a lot of DOMs learn by being submissive first.
I would say a lot of the thingsI learned came from having
submissive experiences first andthen being like, not only can I
do that, I think I can do itbetter.
unknown (42:27):
I don't know.
SPEAKER_01 (42:29):
That was my thought.
Yeah, I live.
It's like, thank you for beingmy training ground now.
Let me go be the master of this.
Yeah, I think that, but alsojust asking the sub what they
want.
Like that's so overlooked, butreally important.
Because you learn one too.
SPEAKER_02 (42:45):
Because being a sub and being a dom can look very
different.
unknown (42:50):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (42:50):
It's every situation.
It's not like there's a cutcookie cutter.
Here's what you do.
It I mean, there are differentdynamics.
There are pleasure DOMs,pleasure subs.
There's people who really wantimpact, people who who want
humiliation, people who, youknow, there's all sorts of ways
that it can go and be.
SPEAKER_01 (43:09):
Yeah.
And you can be one, you can beboth.
Like I'm a switch, you're aswitch, right?
The type of Dom I am is not thetype of Dom I'd look for as a
sub.
And yeah.
So like there's just it's sointerchangeable, customizable.
That's another circling back tothe gatekeepers.
That is what really annoys metoo.
This idea that kink can onlylook one way.
(43:30):
Because that's just simply nottrue.
SPEAKER_02 (43:33):
So to sum this up, kink is for everyone who wants
to be involved.
It's for everybody who, but it'sup to you whether or not that is
an area you want to move into.
There is no look.
You have to have.
I am telling you right now, someof some of the most kinkiest
encounters I have been have beenwith conservative people.
(43:55):
This is not something thatliberal, you know, only liberal
people do.
This is everybody is into it,wants it.
Some people may have a hardertime saying that out loud or
being open about it.
Can you give, at this point inthe conversation, my listeners
who are listening to this, andthey're like, okay, but I have
(44:20):
these wants and these needs.
I just don't know how to jumpinto it.
Give them a starter kit forkinktober.
What is their starter kit totake the opportunity that this
month allows and to startdipping their toes into the
kinky world?
SPEAKER_01 (44:38):
Okay, so I actually do have a free starter kit
called Speaking Your Desireswith Confidence on
Amandadames.com, my website.
They can go there and it'sbasically a worksheet for you
and your partner to work throughwhere you think about your own
fantasies and desires.
You think about yourcommunication style, you think
about your boundaries, and yougo through all of that for
yourself first.
(44:59):
And then you come together withyour partner and then you work
on a journey that you're goingto go on together.
It's like, okay, where do ourdesires overlap?
How can I help you experiencethe feelings you want to feel?
How can you do that for me?
But at a very high level, here'swhat I say lead with curiosity
and with gratitude.
Ask your partner, hey, are thereany fantasies you've ever been
(45:20):
curious about exploring?
Whether or not they shareanything.
I think you should say, well,thanks for considering it and
taking my question seriously.
I'd like to share one of mine.
And then that's your segue tointroduce it.
And the thing that I recommendpeople do, man or woman, it
doesn't matter.
Lead with your feelings.
I like to feel taken.
(45:42):
I like to feel secure.
I want to feel a little scared.
So lead with the feeling youwant and then introduce the kink
that you think might make youfeel that way, right?
Because I think that if you youjust say, I want you to go sleep
with somebody else, you know,like for a cuck holding example,
that might be a little jarringfor someone because it might
(46:04):
introduce the idea, like, oh, doyou not want to have sex with
me?
You think that you want tooutsource it to somebody else?
But if you are into cuck holdingand you say, I enjoy playing
with the idea of feelingembarrassed or humiliated during
sex, and the way that would Iwould feel that way is if you
went and slept with somebodyelse, I'd like to talk about
that fantasy.
That's that's your segue, that'syour introduction conversation,
(46:25):
and you go from there.
Yeah.
So that's that's my starterpack.
SPEAKER_02 (46:30):
That's great.
And and I will share that linkbecause it's super important to
start having conversations withyour partner.
There's no getting around that,by the way.
Guys, there's just like beingable to communicate with your
partner.
There's no getting around it.
I think deep down, so manypeople are like, I don't want to
have to talk about it.
I just want it to happen.
(46:51):
It's not gonna happen if youdon't figure out how to
communicate, right?
SPEAKER_01 (46:55):
Yeah, they so many people want to hint at it.
I mean, like, we just wantpeople to know.
That's the fantasy, that's theultimate fantasy.
Oh, this person's just gonnaknow exactly what I want, and we
never have to have aconversation.
But of all the fantasies, that'sthe least realistic one.
Like, that's never gonna happen.
People need to communicate.
SPEAKER_02 (47:14):
Thank you so much for joining me today.
Can you give my listenerseverywhere they can find you,
um, including your podcast?
Because a great way also to diveinto this month and learn more
is by listening to people likethe two of us and checking out
our podcasts.
SPEAKER_01 (47:32):
Yeah, I'm happy to find me on Instagram, well,
social media as the underscorekink consultant on Instagram,
and then all one word the kinkconsultant on TikTok.
The podcast is the KinkConsultant Podcast.
You can find that anywhere youget podcasts.
And then finally,Amandadames.com for my freebies.
(47:53):
If you want to book a session,if you want, I offer some
courses, some intro courses.
So if you're looking for anintro to kink, you can find it
at amandadames.com as well.
unknown (48:02):
Perfect.
SPEAKER_02 (48:02):
All right, guys, you are set up for Kingtober.
This episode is a perfect way tolead into it.
Take advantage of just the funopportunity to get playful and
explore with your partner.
And and I will be sending youlots of stuff via my Substack
newsletter and my e newsletter.
So you want to sign up for it ifyou haven't already, scroll down
(48:25):
to the links below.
You're gonna find them, sign upbecause I will be sending lots
of different kink guides, lotsof different ideas for toys,
equipment, and props.
They're always fun outfits.
Uh, you don't want to miss out.
So listen, welcome to Kinktober.
And until next time, I will seeyou all in the locker room.
(48:46):
Cheers.
SPEAKER_00 (48:47):
Cheers right now.
I'm Annette Benedetti, host of the podcast
formerly known as Locker RoomTalk and Shots.
The show has a new name, TalkSex within It.
But at its core, this is stillyour locker room.
It's where we strip away shame,get curious, and speak the
unspoken about sex, kink,dating, pleasure, and desire.
Around here, nothing's offlimits.
(00:24):
These are the kinds ofconversations we save for our
boldest group chats, our mosttrusted friends, and of course,
the women's locker room.
Think raw, honest, and sometimesunapologetically raunchy.
If you've been here from thebeginning, thank you.
And if you're new, welcome to mypodcast where desire meets
disruption and pleasure becomespower.
(00:46):
Now, let's talk about sex.
Cheers.
Today's Talk Sex within Nettopic is mainstreaming kink from
TikTok trends to Locktoberobsessions.
Has kink gone to mainstream?
From TikTok tutorials on rope toluxury fashion houses sending
(01:10):
models down the runway andharnesses, BDSM is not hiding in
the shadows anymore.
And some say kink has lost itsedge.
Others argue it's the best thingthat could have happened for
acceptance, education, and saferplay.
And since October is officiallyKinktober, and yes, Locktober,
one of my favorite holidays, Icouldn't think of a better time
(01:32):
to dive in.
Today I am joined by AmandaDames, Kink Educator, coach, and
host of the Kink ConsultantPodcast.
And together we are going toexplore what happens when kink
hits mainstream, why sometaboos, like chastity, are
exploding in popularity, and howyou, whether you are curious or
(01:52):
cautious, can start dipping yourtoes into the kinky pool without
fear or shame.
But before I dive in, I want toremind y'all that I'm over on
OnlyFans, and there I'm sharingmy sex and intimacy, how-tos,
tutorials, audio guidedself-pleasure, meditations, and
an opportunity to test thewaters with my coaching.
(02:13):
You can go over there, and ifyou're not ready to commit to
full coaching regimen, if youwill, you can ask me singular
questions and I will get you theanswers you want.
You can find me over there withmy handle at TalkSex withinet.
You can find me on Substackdoing a lot of the same, minus
the coaching at TalkSex withAnnet.
And you can scroll down andyou're going to find all the
(02:33):
links to wherever you want tofind me.
And I'm looking forward toseeing you there.
But for now, Amanda, can youtake over the mic and tell my
listeners more about you?
SPEAKER_01 (02:43):
Yeah, sure.
Thank you so much.
I'm excited to talk about all ofthose topics.
I'm Amanda Dames, also known asthe Kink Consultant, and I'm a
sex and relationship coach whospecializes in kink.
I work with couples andindividuals to introduce and
maintain kink in their lives.
And I work with a lot of peoplewho are married, typically over
(03:03):
40, and they want to reintroducethe spark.
And more often than not, one ofthe two people has a kink or
specific desire that theyhaven't been so comfortable
sharing with their partner andthey just want a little bit of
help.
I've been called the kinkconvincer and the kink mediator
before as well, because that'show I help couples to really
reintroduce that spark and havea good intimate relationship in
(03:25):
the bedroom.
Yeah.
So I and I can be found onInstagram as the underscore kink
consultant, on TikTok as thekink consultant, or on anywhere
you get podcasts.
If you just look up the kinkconsultant, I'm there too.
SPEAKER_02 (03:37):
Well, this is where I usually tell y'all what why to
stay to the end.
But I think she gave you youranswer because I know this is a
very common problem, challenge,if you will, that people have
wanting to introduce somethingkinky, spicy into their
relationship and not knowing howto have those conversations.
So we are going to talk abouthow kink has gone a bit more
(04:02):
mainstream.
And that might benefit you inyour own bedroom, what the
effects of that are.
We're going to talk about someof the kinks that are now
becoming popular, if you will.
And then, of course, by the endof this, we are going to be
telling you how you can dip yourtoe in the bot water, including
how you can talk to your partnerand maybe convince them to go on
(04:24):
the journey with you.
I'm excited for thisconversation.
I love these kind of talks.
And I feel very uh lucky to haveyou here to do this with me
today, Amanda.
I can't think of a better guest.
SPEAKER_01 (04:36):
So I was honored you asked.
SPEAKER_02 (04:38):
So thank you.
So cheers.
Let's talk about kink.
I am ready.
Cheers.
So when did you first notice ashift in that kink had started
to become more mainstream?
A lot of the things we used toconsider kinky or taboo were now
being integrated, if you will,into vanilla life.
SPEAKER_01 (05:02):
I think that that has only happened in the last
five, six, maybe I'm gonna say2018.
So, like let's say that's sevenyears.
Yeah, that's what I'm gonna say.
I know a lot of people who willargue when Fifty Shades of Grey
came out, but I remember when 50Shades came out.
I was involved in the communitythen and it wasn't mainstream.
I actually thank TikTok andInstagram for bringing this into
(05:26):
the mainstream a little bitmore.
So that's why I'm gonna clock itat 2018.
SPEAKER_02 (05:31):
I would agree with you.
When I started this podcast, uh,one of the big inks I talked
about a lot, I had a guest whocame on all the time who went
into chastity, male chastity,and it was so taboo.
And uh just over the course ofI'm now four and a half, five
years into this podcast, there'sbeen a huge shift.
(05:52):
So, but I agree with you.
It probably the shift startedbefore then, even.
Can you talk about or name someof the platforms you think have
played a role in the shift?
SPEAKER_01 (06:04):
Ooh, okay.
I'm gonna tell you that thismight be an unpopular or
shocking opinion.
Two different platforms.
Kindle Unlimited.
People get a subscription to KimKindle Unlimited.
They can have 10$10 a month fora bunch of books for free.
Erotica is so high up there thatI actually think that women
reading erotica is normalizingit.
(06:26):
Thank God.
Okay, so I it's a little outthere.
I'm going mainstream though,because I also think TV shows
they used to joke about it, andthen it became something you
didn't joke about anymore.
It making jokes about it as muchas I hate Kink to be the butt of
a joke, normalizes it a littlebit.
So we had shows like Billionscome out in that show.
The husband and wife, I thinkit's played by Paul Giamatti and
(06:49):
Maggie Siff.
She's his dom.
And I think that that starts tonormalize it as well.
These are powerful individuals,well, um looking normal from the
outside.
Do you know what I mean?
I think those two alone, then Imean, you know better than
anyone, OnlyFans.
I think that the mainstream ofsex work with OnlyFans being so
(07:12):
accessible, that helped a lottoo.
I see, I could, I'm likeprioritizing of like, okay,
where do I actually think itcame from?
And then I think TikTok andInstagram sort of brought it,
like I'd say those five then.
It's like four or five.
Those together are what madeKink a little bit more
mainstream.
But can I also throw in one morething?
(07:33):
It's so hard to decide when itbecomes mainstream because
Madonna was saying stuff in the80s.
Jean-Paul Gautier was designingin the 80s in a way that we now
associate it with like very BDSMlooks, you know?
So it's so hard to, I wonder ifit comes and goes in waves.
But for me, we're at the pointof no return.
We're never going back to morepuritanical, non-kinky
(07:54):
representation.
SPEAKER_02 (07:56):
Right.
I agree with you.
There's been this massive shift.
There are also shows now onNetflix that highlight kinky
lifestyles and and how to getmore involved in kink.
And, you know, some of them dodamage.
They make, you know, it's thedarker side of kink and this and
(08:16):
that.
But there are some document, notonly documentaries, I would even
shows like Goop, Gwyneth Paltra,I can't remember the name of it.
I didn't watch all of it.
Um, but she highlighteddifferent kink experts in her
own little series for that.
You know, and and that that wassort of seeding the thought, I
(08:40):
think, in a lot ofheteronormative, somewhat
vanilla couples' minds that oh,well, if Gwyneth Palatro is
willing to put this on TV, itmust mean it's okay, right?
It must mean it's not a badthing to do.
SPEAKER_01 (08:56):
I know.
And no matter how you feel abouther, she really brought a lot to
the forefront.
Like her yoni, her steaming yonithing, like taking care of your
vagina and caring about yourvagina, talking about it out
loud.
We do have her to thank forthat, I think, in a major way,
because she was one of the firstfamous people to do it.
SPEAKER_02 (09:15):
Um yeah, I'm happy with any celebrity who wants to
like add in some like pussypositive stuff or kink positive
stuff or sex positive.
I'm not gonna rip it down and belike, you go, girl.
You want to talk about it, evenif it's not my thing, or I'm
like, ugh, how annoying.
It's like still a good thing.
So I guess that brings me to howdo you feel about how mainstream
(09:38):
do you think kink is now?
And in your mind, is it apositive or a negative?
SPEAKER_01 (09:44):
I would argue it's not mainstream enough.
And what I mean by that is I'mon one lately about this.
Choking in porn, we saw a hugerise in it.
We saw a huge rise in safetyconcerns because people were
getting hurt from it.
It's almost like kink is somainstream, except it's not
mainstream enough for us toeducate on it.
(10:04):
It's not mainstream enough forus to know how to do it safely.
So, as mainstream as it is, withwhere we see it in fashion on
TikTok, it's not mainstreamenough that we're comfortable
talking about how to do itsafely.
So I think we have a little bitof a ways to go in how
mainstream it is.
And I'm here for it.
I mean, I'm out here trying tomake it slightly more
(10:25):
mainstream.
I think that we've seen thebiggest jump recently.
And my favorite part of thoughabout kink being more mainstream
is our conversations aroundconsent.
I think consent conversations,you the use of safe words so
much more popular and mainstreamnow than before.
And it's helping frame whatconsent is and how to have
(10:48):
conversations so that people aregetting slightly less hurt in
normal, I hate using normal, butvanilla activities, like
straightforward sex.
And I think that like that iswhat happens as we mainstream
this.
Do you know what I mean?
It's like helping across theboard.
SPEAKER_02 (11:04):
One of the things I'm also really curious about is
there are people who don't likethe mainstreaming of kink.
Why why would that be?
SPEAKER_01 (11:15):
Why would that be?
Great question, Annette.
I have a huge issue with thosepeople who are against the
mainstreaming of kink.
And I'm gonna I call themgatekeepers.
They feel that they were specialand different and doing this way
back when.
So they feel a little hard doneby the fact that so many people
have easier access to it.
They're more openly accepted.
(11:36):
I know there are dating appsspecifically for people who are
kinky now.
I've used some of those datingapps.
I think that they are justannoyed that it's for everyone.
Because if they were really, ifthey cared so much about kink,
they would be like, hey,welcome.
We're excited you're here.
Here's how to do this safely.
So the people annoyed at themainstreaming of kink are people
(11:58):
I take personal issue with.
I think that they are justgatekeepers, they're old guard,
and they need to move out of theway because they're part of the
reason I think people aren'tlooking to educate themselves
better.
They don't want to go into acommunity where there's
hostility about the new personshowing up, even when they want
to learn.
SPEAKER_02 (12:15):
Right.
And also that's not what I wouldcall sex positive, right?
It's it's sex negative.
It's like it's um like keepingpeople, wanting to keep people
in the dark about the pleasurepotential that's out there and
the vast world that sex is andthat it's available to people.
SPEAKER_01 (12:36):
A hundred percent.
And it's something that I'vecome across a lot.
The more popularity I gained onsocial media, the more I had
those people, not I won't saythey came after me, but there
was a lot, I would get DMs beinglike, Who are you to talk about
kink?
And I mean that.
I have DMs from other podcasthosts from when I first started.
And I think the idea was like, Ididn't look like the traditional
(12:58):
person who's into kink.
I definitely didn't look likeold guard.
And I was like, you know, I'dhave to come with my
credentials.
And that's fair.
I understand people wanting tounderstand my credentials.
It was the undertone of you'renot one of us, so you shouldn't
be talking about this.
And my point was always peoplewho partake in kink, BDSM
(13:19):
practitioners, if you will, asthey're officially called, look
a whole bunch of different ways.
And there's no way that youcan't box everyone into one type
of thing.
And I think part of that lack ofsex positivity is people are
like, we're kink, this is how werepresent ourselves, this is how
it's been for the last 50 years.
So stay in line.
And that's not how it worksanymore.
unknown (13:40):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (13:41):
Kink is for everyone.
I used to have a good friend ofmine dominate Russian dominatrix
Lucy would come on and she wouldsay she was like, There are two
types of people.
There are kinky people andliars.
SPEAKER_00 (13:55):
I love that.
I have never heard that, but uhyeah, seal of approval, agree
with that.
There are kinky people andliars.
I love it.
SPEAKER_02 (14:04):
And I think that the mainstreaming allows people to
stop hiding so much and and sortof pushing down and bearing the
desires that they have andfinding the partners and
engaging in intimacy that willfulfill them, right?
SPEAKER_01 (14:21):
Yeah, oh 100%.
And what I think the number onekink that comes to mind when we
talk about the mainstreaming iscuckolding.
And there's a couple of thingsthat contributed to that.
Do you remember in 2016, leavingpolitics aside, the word cuck
and the derogatory term of likeyou're a cuck started to make
(14:42):
its way into the mainstream?
I think people began to be like,what the fuck does that even
mean?
And it means cuckolding.
And I think that that becamemore prevalent.
And with that, the conversationopened up, which allowed more
people to understand what itwas, and then that normalizes
it, even just knowing what itis.
So instead of just saying, hey,wife, I want you to go fuck some
(15:04):
other guy, and maybe I want tobe there and watch and have it
feel a little embarrassing forme.
There was a word for it then.
And so much power exists in alabel.
I know there's a lot of angeraround labels and a lot of anger
around naming, and people arelike, oh, we have too many
labels.
I always say it's a really goodsignpost for helping you see the
direction you want to go in.
And that's what cuckolding is.
(15:25):
And that word making it into themainstream just helped that kink
become a little more normalized.
SPEAKER_02 (15:31):
Yeah, so many people have it.
So this is a great place in thisconversation to start talking
about with the mainstreaming ofkink.
What are some of the kinks thatare now growing rapidly in
popularity?
Obviously, cuck holding.
And so again, can you repeatwhat that is?
(15:53):
Because it is out thereeverywhere.
SPEAKER_01 (15:56):
Yes, it is.
Cuckolding is a kink where theman, because then there's cuck
queening where that would be theopposite, but let's talk about
cuckolding.
The a married man derivespleasure out of the humiliation
of knowing his wife is havingsex with another man, and he
enjoys some of the humiliationof like, you can't satisfy her
(16:18):
the way this other man can.
Like, let's call him a bull, theman that the woman is going off
to have sex with.
And sometimes the husband who'swants to be a little bit
embarrassed by this, he'swatching, or he just knows it's
happening, and the wife mightcome back and tell him stories.
And then he gets off on the ideaof, wow, that's my wife going
off and being with someone else.
(16:39):
Can I just say a side note ofnot to be confused with hot
wifing, which is almost theexact same scenario, except it's
not the embarrassment or shame.
It's almost like a pride thing.
The wife is confidently goingoff and having sex.
The guy's like, My wife's sohot.
Look at her go off and have sex.
There's a little more conversionand excitement for the husband
in that case, and it's lessabout the embarrassment.
SPEAKER_02 (17:01):
This is funny because I actually wanted to do
a whole discussion on thedifference between them because
I'm confused myself.
I've never been in that kind ofdynamic.
But it's so it's the exact samedynamic almost.
It's the intention and thefeelings that you're getting off
on uh from it are different,correct?
SPEAKER_01 (17:21):
That's a hundred percent it.
That's exactly it.
And I know it's kind of it'shard to imagine it, but it's
it's really about the motivationbehind it.
SPEAKER_02 (17:30):
Yeah, no, I get it.
I get it.
I've definitely I've been inpartnerships where you know
we've either we've been in likethree sims or or four sims or
whatever, and I can kind of getthe feeling behind it.
I've never been in a uh like atrue hot wifing situation.
I'd be a hot wife, god damn it.
I mean, I'd be a great hot wife.
SPEAKER_01 (17:52):
And now this is all part of the normalization
process.
Now you're gonna go off and be ahot yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (18:00):
Um, all right.
So and that really has gone moremainstream with kink coming into
sort of the spotlight.
I mean, everyone talks that yougo to a hotel room and
everyone's like, yep, it's got acuck chair, you know.
SPEAKER_01 (18:15):
There's whole Instagram accounts for that now.
SPEAKER_02 (18:18):
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, I've got to check that out.
But yeah, so it's something thatis talked about.
Well, it's used derogatorily byincels, usually, who aren't
getting any sex at all.
But it's also just becoming moreum, I don't know if I would say
accepted.
Well, I think a lot of peoplewant to do it and do it, but
it's still, you know, no onewants to admit, like, yeah, I
(18:40):
really like seeing my, you know,wife get railed.
SPEAKER_01 (18:43):
So it's not talked about regularly in social
circles, but the number of womenI have spoken to who will admit
to me that their husband orboyfriend at least dirty talks
about it in the bedroom duringsex.
Because that's honestly a reallygreat way to have your needs met
just by dirty talking it.
And you can feel like you've hadthe experience without fully
(19:04):
having it.
And sometimes people think theywant to go the full way, but
really just exploring thefantasy in their mind during sex
is enough for them.
So, like it's actually quite acommon fantasy.
Maybe it's not so common thatpeople are actually acting on
it.
SPEAKER_02 (19:18):
All right, all right, and Chris.
Let's talk about another onethat I know has become more and
more popular and it's verypopular here on my channel.
And I uh have covered it everyyear because Locktober, we are
we are on the cusp of well,actually, we are at the time
that this airs, we are inKinktober.
So get get your creative ideasand juices flowing while you
(19:42):
listen to this.
It is also known as Locktober,and I will be sending all of my
listeners plenty ofe-newsletters with all of those
episodes from past years tolisten to.
But Locktober involves malechastity.
It could be it could be anychastity, couldn't it?
SPEAKER_01 (20:00):
You mean women nor men?
I mean, you could lock up a Ithink about this a lot because
I'm all about equality, but Idon't know any women taking part
in Locktober.
I think that's like please reachout to Locked up.
Yeah, one of us.
I'm a sub.
I wouldn't mind taking part inLocktober, I guess, but it's it
(20:21):
doesn't have the same appeal ascaging.
Like, I'm just gonna be honest,a chastity belt is nowhere near
as cool as a cage.
SPEAKER_02 (20:28):
Yeah, I will say I was shocked the first time I
caged my my ex's cock whatbecause I was curious, I was
learning about it.
I'm like, hey, can I slap a cageon your cock and see?
And I was actually shocked atwhat a turn on it was.
I tend to be Dom in myconnections with women when I'm
(20:50):
dating uh women or a Volvaowner, and sometimes I tend more
towards sub with male partners,but that's been shifting, that's
been shifting quite a bitlately.
And I slapped a Kate, I didn'tactually slap it on, guys.
Uh we placed it upon the cock,and I was like, oh, oh, it is
(21:10):
hot, it is appealing, it'spretty interesting.
I love the idea of a cockgetting hard and then coming up
against those bars of the cageand being like, no, no, no.
SPEAKER_01 (21:20):
You know, there's such a level of control and
power in it.
And you know, side note, I saythe same thing about pegging.
Like, until you put a strap onon, like, please don't knock it.
You know, it's exciting to havethat, and you kind of have a
similar power when you're cagingsomeone.
SPEAKER_02 (21:37):
Yeah, I like caging, and maybe this is why it's so
popular.
There is part of I think indating and that romantic
relationships and sexualrelationships where we start to
feel possessive.
I think that can be very normal.
A feeling hopefully you workthrough it and you don't become
crazy or insane about it.
(21:57):
But think about it.
Of course, you want to like cagethat cock and be like, that's
mine, or the the I I'm down toI'm down to cage a Vulva.
SPEAKER_01 (22:06):
Like it's mine, and we play with it when I want to.
You don't get to play with it byyourself, but I get to choose
when we play with it.
Like, there's so much power inthat, it's a huge turn on.
SPEAKER_02 (22:17):
Yeah, maybe I'll give it give it give it a try
this Locktober with a Vulva.
Um yeah, but so Locktober forthe month of October, people who
participate in it put a can puta cock or a pussy in uh in a
(22:38):
chastity belt for the right,right.
And and it can be some peoplehave worked up to being able to
do it all month long while alsochanging the cage and taking
care of business, you know,because you gotta, but or you
can do it for small periods oftime each day, correct?
SPEAKER_01 (22:54):
Yeah, there's so much on there's so many options
in it.
You could go the first 30 days,but if this is your dipping your
toe in the water of chastity,just plan to do it for a couple
of hours a day, maybe a fullday, maybe overnight.
You figure out what it feelslike, but start small.
Like use this as an opportunityto go for it.
Maybe you've done it for a dayhere or there and you move up to
(23:16):
like four days, you know, justinch along.
It's I recently had it describedto me as when you go to the gym,
you don't start working outgoing zero to a hundred, like
running 10 miles on thetreadmill, then going to a like
a spin class and then liftingweights.
Start by like walking on thetreadmill, maybe working your
way up to a jog, similarsituation.
SPEAKER_02 (23:36):
So, why do you think this ink in particular has, I
mean, it is not one that Ithought would go as mainstream
as it has.
What?
SPEAKER_01 (23:50):
Why?
Okay, I have a theory on this.
I have no proof.
I think our the ease of accessto porn makes it so that there's
nothing stopping anybodyanymore, right?
And I think that we are lookingfor checks and balances.
People like boundaries.
And I think that this is theultimate boundary because they
can't get hard, they can'tpleasure themselves.
(24:11):
In a world where we can havewhatever we want, we're looking
for a way to like to stop.
That becomes the what is theword I'm looking for?
That becomes the moment for themof like, okay, this is the
excitement now.
Something's being withheld fromme, even if they're doing it to
themselves.
And I think there's excitementin that that we're not used to
anymore.
(24:32):
You want a package, order it onAmazon Prime, you get it by like
4 a.m.
the next morning.
Everything's on demand.
Any TV show, any piece of music,everything is on demand.
So now we're looking at ways tomake our lives harder.
SPEAKER_02 (24:43):
And I think that anticipation, anticipation, and
anticipation drives arousal.
SPEAKER_01 (24:49):
Yeah.
And we're there's a way to workthis in.
You can do it on your own.
You can self-cage, or you can doit with a partner.
So there are a lot of optionsthere too.
And so that's like myoverarching thing of like, this
is why I think it's blowing upso much.
But I know on an individuallevel, men say that being caged
helps them focus more.
(25:10):
They know they're not thinkingabout sex as much.
So it opens up time for them togo to the gym, get more work
done because they're like, okay,this is off the table at least
for 12 hours.
It I can't even potentially useit as a distraction.
So there are actual real worldbenefits that I think encourage
more men to try it.
There are blogs of people sayingthey're self-caging and they're
(25:30):
talking about their experiencesof all men just comparing
stories, saying, like, this iswhat I do.
There's almost a there's acommunity around it, just like
any other community.
SPEAKER_02 (25:39):
Well, so there you are, guys.
If you have not tried it yet, Ihave a guide.
I will send you on how to choosea cage, because getting the
cage, the right cage is a wholething.
It's a it's a whole thing.
I will I will send you how tomeasure and pick your right
cage.
Although you can start withright uh uh like a silicone cage
or something a little biteasier.
SPEAKER_01 (25:59):
I guess you can, but I always recommend people that
want to try it.
Like you're going to have abetter experience if it is fit
for your size, because if it'snot for your size, it could be
more painful, it might not workthe same way.
So I recommend if you areinterested in this try in trying
it, it's worth the smallinvestment to measure and get
the right one.
SPEAKER_02 (26:19):
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because I know that when I wastrying to find the right one
with my ex, it was like it tooka lot of different tries getting
the sizing right and then alsosomething that was comfortable.
But so there's a lot ofinformation out there to help
you figure that out, but youmight want to give it a try.
I'm gonna look into femalechastity belts.
(26:42):
I'm curious, anyways.
So we've talked about cuck,cucking, hot wifing, and
chastity.
Can you name another?
What are some other kinks thatare going mainstream right now?
Other than look, we knowchoking, which would, you know,
problematic.
You got to learn how to joke.
But but I'm talking about some,you know, unique kinks we didn't
(27:06):
think were gonna go mainstreamthat are.
SPEAKER_01 (27:09):
Okay, so I have to say the foot fetish, because
that is now so mainstream.
I don't even like there arearguments in my comment section
being like, no, it's mainstream.
And there are people being like,I have a foot fetish, it's not
mainstream.
Like, I think everyone who has akink or a fetish that they
really need is going toexperience that feeling from
time to time.
Here's one that's not supermainstream, but everyone's more
(27:32):
aware of it than I expected themto be.
Wearing diapers.
So, I mean, I'm not shocking youby telling you that, right?
That that is a kink people have.
SPEAKER_02 (27:43):
Yes, I know it's a kink.
I didn't expect you to say,yeah, I didn't know this was
gonna come up.
I like it.
Let's talk.
SPEAKER_01 (27:49):
So here's why I'm mentioning it.
A year and a half ago or twoyears ago, some woman in New
Hampshire opened up an adultdaycare, but like not like an
old person's home.
Like a come here and we will putyou in diapers and infantilize
you and have you let you havethis adult baby diaper lover,
shortened it ABDL experience.
(28:12):
And she got shut down almostimmediately.
But it was both shocking andmainstream enough that that
story took off.
You know, it wasn't sometimesweird kings happen and no one
pays attention to it.
That one took hold becausepeople were fascinated by it and
there were conversations aroundit.
So that one, okay, maybe I'mfascinated by it because I think
(28:35):
it is the most shamed by theking community, but it is
growing in popularity becausemore and more people know it
exists.
SPEAKER_02 (28:40):
And they want to wear diapers.
More and more people areadmitting to wanting to wear
diapers.
SPEAKER_01 (28:44):
Yes, exactly.
I mean, and the places this popsup, there is there are comedians
who I've heard talk about it.
They do audience work and likeit comes up.
Yes, they want to wear diapers.
Some people want to use thediapers and have them changed,
others just want to be in it formultiple different reasons.
Okay.
So maybe that's maybe that'slike uh what I'm doing there is
(29:06):
I'm saying, watch this space.
I think it's on its way tomainstream.
SPEAKER_02 (29:11):
Yeah.
I mean, I could see when drivinglong distance where I would find
it to be an asset.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (29:19):
Who else?
I I mean, people wear diapersNew Year's Eve, Times Square
because they have well, thatwould make sense.
SPEAKER_02 (29:25):
I don't know if I could if I could pee in front of
everybody or an I think uhgolden showers are are more
mainstream now.
Well, our president like gotgolden showers.
We know he did.
SPEAKER_01 (29:38):
I mean it's quite common that it was something I
did regularly as a pro dom, andthat was over 10 years ago.
SPEAKER_02 (29:46):
Like being being asked to this was a request,
common request to be oh yes, Iwould pee on someone or in their
mouth, which is kind of like agolden shower, but more direct.
Correct.
Was that a common request?
Peeing in the mouth.
SPEAKER_01 (30:04):
Yes.
It was something.
It's a degradation thing forpeople and they enjoy it.
I'd also recommend it a lotbecause I thought it was really
fun to do.
I bet.
I bet.
There's a little T.
So good questions.
What else is super common?
Okay.
I don't even know if I'dconsider this a kink.
(30:25):
Men wearing women's panties.
So common.
Men wearing women's laundry.
I made a video about it becauseI get a lot of, as a coach, I
get a lot of women contacting mesaying, my husband I caught my
husband or boyfriend wearing mypanties.
And I talk them down from theledge of like, okay, look, I
know that's shocking.
It can be jarring.
I'm sorry that you didn'tconsent to having him wear your
(30:46):
panties.
Like that wasn't okay.
But I want you to know this isvery common.
It doesn't mean because there'sso many misconceptions.
Oh, he's gay.
He's a freak.
I hate even seeing these things,saying these things because it's
so sad to me.
But once I normalize it for theperson, they start to realize,
okay, it is common.
I had a video go viral on it.
I got dozens of DMs from peoplesaying, thank you for putting
(31:07):
this out there.
I like to wear women's panties.
And there are so many reasons.
So I think that's much, it'sinteresting.
I just think more people aredoing it than are talking about
it.
So it's not mainstream yet, butthere are now companies making
men's lacy lingerie because somefor some people they like the
feel.
And like women get really softmaterial that men don't have the
(31:28):
same access to.
They like the lace.
Some men have told me that theylike it because it makes them
feel closer to their partnerwearing it.
That's an interesting one for mebecause I can't relate to it,
but I like the perspective thatI'd never considered before.
SPEAKER_02 (31:42):
Women love to put their their boyfriend's
button-up shirts on or theirlike t-shirts on.
It's like, or I I mean, I don'tknow.
I've seen lots of girls put ontheir guys' boxers and wear them
around his shorts.
SPEAKER_01 (31:56):
That's a hundred percent true.
And that's like the otherargument of like, why do we need
undergarments to be gendered atall?
Like, if women can wear boxers,like men can't wear, I don't
know, a lacy thong.
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (32:10):
Well, that's just society deeming.
That's how these things becomekinks.
Like I was thinking about it theother day.
Again, my last in my lastpartnership was the first time I
encountered someone who waslike, Oh, I've got a foot
fetish.
And it was almost he was kind ofopen about it from the
beginning.
And it was almost for me like amaybe this isn't my thing
(32:30):
person.
Like, I don't know if I can datesomeone who has this.
And this was, of course, I'vecome a long way since those
days.
And I was thinking about it theother day, and I was thinking,
well, if someone tells you theyhave a foot foot fetish, maybe
like your first approach shouldbe, okay, well, I want you to
pay for me to go get a nicepedicure, like once a month.
(32:52):
Like, make the most out of it,even if you're like, I don't
know if it's my thing.
And and then you get theopportunity to explore someone's
body with something other thanyour hands.
You know what I mean?
What an interesting experiencewhen you really think about it.
Because I don't know, eroticismis fun when we stop just like
(33:14):
doing the obvious, using ourhands, like put pressing our
bodies against each other,pressing our bodies against
different areas of each other.
For two vulva owners, when womenare having sex with women, like
you always see scissoring, whichis you know vulva against vulva.
But in actuality, a lot of uhvulva on vulva sex can or well,
(33:34):
sex with two vulva owners can begrinding against a hip or a
thigh or a breast.
Like you can grind againstanything.
Why wouldn't you use your feetto explore someone's body or
penis or vulvas well?
As long as they're clean,welcome, go get your petty, get
a good pedicure or regularpedicures out of it.
SPEAKER_01 (33:55):
That's it's so funny you say that.
That is the exact type of likemediating advice or convincing
advice I use because it allowsboth people to take pleasure in
this new venture, right?
Instead of it just beingone-sided.
That is amazing advice.
Yeah, go get your pedicure outof it, give it a try.
SPEAKER_02 (34:11):
Yeah, when you're just putting feet on a dick,
like how big of a deal is it?
SPEAKER_01 (34:17):
Come on.
It's actually like yoga positionuh or butterfly position.
Well, I know.
unknown (34:23):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (34:24):
Oh, I know.
It's you will also end up withreally toned thighs, strong
lower back, contract your abswhile you're doing it, folks.
Super important.
SPEAKER_01 (34:36):
I mean, that could be an episode in itself of like,
here's the fitness, like go workon these things, or you don't
even need to.
This is like the exercise youcan do.
Exactly.
Yeah.
So, oh, all good questions.
I'm like, what else am I has sonormal to me that I cannot think
of right now?
I don't know.
I I think women just being in amore dominant position, I'm
(34:57):
really enjoying seeing the riseof that.
SPEAKER_02 (34:59):
The femme dom, what are we talking about?
That is one of the absolutebiggest kinks, fetishes,
whatever you want to call it,that is on the rise, and more
men admitting uh that they wanta woman to take charge in the
bedroom.
SPEAKER_01 (35:18):
Yes.
The unfortunate thing is there'sa gap right now.
The men are admitting it, thewomen are still catching up,
right?
But I'm working with a lot ofwomen who want to learn how to
be more dominant in the bedroom.
And it's a confidence issue,which I understand.
When you're put in charge, it'shard to know what to say, how to
act, how to touch, how to move,and to really own your own voice
(35:38):
when you haven't typically feltthat confidence before.
I was just talking to someoneearlier this week about how I
make a way better dom in mymid-30s than I did in my mid-20s
because I have so muchconfidence and life experience.
And sometimes people need to beguided through that.
But I'm very optimistic thatwe're gonna have like more of a
(35:59):
match with fem doms on the rise.
SPEAKER_02 (36:02):
So I want to comment on that because in my queer life
and my queer relationships, I amconsidered pretty, pretty high
femme, if you will, as a queerwoman.
And I have been seeing someonewho is more masked.
And we were having thisconversation how so many uh mask
(36:25):
queer fems, lesbians, it'sassumed that because they
present masks, that they aregonna be dominant.
And that isn't necessarily whatthey want at all.
That and that it's like theunicorn to look for the queer
femme who wants to be dominantin the bedroom.
(36:45):
Because I do think that a lot ofwomen equate, and you hear it
out there in the fucking farright world a lot, where in
order to be feminine, you needto be soft.
Yes, let me tell you guys.
I'm feminine as fuck.
I'm not always soft in thebedroom, and I have yet to have
(37:07):
a complaint, you know.
SPEAKER_01 (37:10):
Exactly.
And that rhetoric, it even getsinto my head of like, I don't I
don't feel soft in a lot of mylife.
So I feel less feminine becauseof it.
Even though if you ask anyonearound me, they'd be like, Yeah,
you're feminine.
I that even fucks with my mindtoo.
I'm so glad you're calling thatout.
So, yeah, what you justdescribed is something I guess I
(37:32):
hadn't even really thoughtabout.
The challenges that you mightface, or someone who like is
pretty mask faces in findingthat specific mix.
Sometimes that's what makes kinkhard.
Just all of society expects whatyou're expected to be, and then
finding your niche, like yourauthentic self, getting to be
(37:52):
your authentic self with such amix of different sides of you.
SPEAKER_02 (37:57):
I mean, I spent years trying to figure out like
how do I mix like the truthabout my authentic self is I do
have this really strongpersonality and dom side.
And yet I present super feminineand I love being feminine, but
it is interesting when you letgo of the conditioning.
And here is where I think thekinky high comes from is you are
(38:17):
combining the high of beingconfident and powerful with the
high of being super feminine andbeing able to control people
with your femininity, and thenyou bring it into the bedroom
and you get to tell someone whatto do and have them like worship
you and pleasure you, and that'shot as fuck.
I'm just saying.
Or you get to do whatever youwant to them, you get to do
(38:38):
whatever you want.
SPEAKER_01 (38:40):
I like it.
Yeah, don't knock it before youtry it, you know.
And I know there's like thatlittle that moment of like
confidence, but what when youwere describing it, I was like,
it's kind of like when you go toa bar and someone buys you a
drink or sort of falls overthemselves to come talk to you.
SPEAKER_02 (38:55):
It's like that, but times 10 because you are Yeah,
and imagine if they buy thedrink for you and then you tell
them to get down on their kneesand like lick your pussy while
you drink it, hot.
And they do while looking up atyou, starry-eyed while you're
drinking your drink.
SPEAKER_01 (39:14):
It's beautiful, and it's not just a fantasy, you can
make this happen and enjoy theyourself.
SPEAKER_02 (39:21):
So, yeah, I think that the the fem dom is totally
on the rise, and more peoplewant it, are looking for it.
Yeah, that is definitely amainstream thing.
Men uh exploring their prostate.
I think that has beenunfortunately more in the kink
realm and the um pegging andstuff like that is starting.
(39:42):
I've been watching Hunter Wives.
I don't know if you're watchingit, but I cannot wait to watch
tonight.
There's a great pegging scenethat I couldn't even help but
get excited about.
SPEAKER_01 (39:51):
Oh and the way that caught me off guard completely.
And I was like, you go, girl.
I don't like you at all, but Ihave a win this scene now.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (40:02):
Oh my God.
And because that man is he's abig, strong, burly, manly man
and hot and just taking it likea man.
It was it was amazing.
And and that in itself, that's Iguess the there you go.
There is the mainstreaming ofsomething kinky that is
happening through our media.
Baby Girl is, I think the nameis that was that the name of the
(40:24):
show, Nicole Kidman was it.
Also, guys, go watch that.
That is a great kink, a kinkyshow that came out.
SPEAKER_01 (40:32):
Yeah, I loved Baby Girl because so many.
Here's wow, I feel like I'vejust come on your podcast to
rant, but like, let's go likegetting on my soapbox again.
So many people expect kink tojust work out, right?
And the Dom is gonna be incharge and he's gonna know
everything to do.
And this sub can just be thislittle doe-eyed idiot who
doesn't stand up for themselvesand it takes no ownership of
(40:54):
what's about to happen, right?
So once again, this movie comesin, and even though the guy is
young, there's this expectation,well, he's a Dom, he should know
everything.
And I literally want to shakepeople when this comes up
because I'm like, are youfucking kidding me right now?
Let's just work with the factthat, all right, Dom man, we're
acting like women should not beempowered, they should not be
advocating for themselves,advocating for their own safety.
(41:16):
And yes, in an ideal world, hewould have known everything and
it would have been perfect.
But baby girl was a realisticrepresentation of what kink and
exploring it can be like.
People are embarrassed to bringthis up in their marriages, so
they explore it outside.
So the cheating, that alone isunderstandable, relatable.
I will say that, right?
The whirlwind of an exciting,passionate affair, like it moves
(41:40):
fast just like it did in themovie.
And the idea, I heard my mosthated criticism of that movie is
are you telling me AntonioBanderas wouldn't do whatever
Nicole Kidman wanted, like interms of her being submissive?
And I'm like, yes, that isexactly how it happens in real
life.
Those are my clients, and itdoes like people don't just
(42:01):
acquiesce to what their partnerwants.
There needs to be discussion.
So like I have a lot of rants onthat because so many people came
out with that preconceivednotion that the Dom needs to
know everything, and that's justnot real life.
SPEAKER_02 (42:13):
No, a lot of DOMs learn by being submissive first.
I would say a lot of the thingsI learned came from having
submissive experiences first andthen being like, not only can I
do that, I think I can do itbetter.
unknown (42:27):
I don't know.
SPEAKER_01 (42:29):
That was my thought.
Yeah, I live.
It's like, thank you for beingmy training ground now.
Let me go be the master of this.
Yeah, I think that, but alsojust asking the sub what they
want.
Like that's so overlooked, butreally important.
Because you learn one too.
SPEAKER_02 (42:45):
Because being a sub and being a dom can look very
different.
unknown (42:50):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (42:50):
It's every situation.
It's not like there's a cutcookie cutter.
Here's what you do.
It I mean, there are differentdynamics.
There are pleasure DOMs,pleasure subs.
There's people who really wantimpact, people who who want
humiliation, people who, youknow, there's all sorts of ways
that it can go and be.
SPEAKER_01 (43:09):
Yeah.
And you can be one, you can beboth.
Like I'm a switch, you're aswitch, right?
The type of Dom I am is not thetype of Dom I'd look for as a
sub.
And yeah.
So like there's just it's sointerchangeable, customizable.
That's another circling back tothe gatekeepers.
That is what really annoys metoo.
This idea that kink can onlylook one way.
(43:30):
Because that's just simply nottrue.
SPEAKER_02 (43:33):
So to sum this up, kink is for everyone who wants
to be involved.
It's for everybody who, but it'sup to you whether or not that is
an area you want to move into.
There is no look.
You have to have.
I am telling you right now, someof some of the most kinkiest
encounters I have been have beenwith conservative people.
(43:55):
This is not something thatliberal, you know, only liberal
people do.
This is everybody is into it,wants it.
Some people may have a hardertime saying that out loud or
being open about it.
Can you give, at this point inthe conversation, my listeners
who are listening to this, andthey're like, okay, but I have
(44:20):
these wants and these needs.
I just don't know how to jumpinto it.
Give them a starter kit forkinktober.
What is their starter kit totake the opportunity that this
month allows and to startdipping their toes into the
kinky world?
SPEAKER_01 (44:38):
Okay, so I actually do have a free starter kit
called Speaking Your Desireswith Confidence on
Amandadames.com, my website.
They can go there and it'sbasically a worksheet for you
and your partner to work throughwhere you think about your own
fantasies and desires.
You think about yourcommunication style, you think
about your boundaries, and yougo through all of that for
yourself first.
(44:59):
And then you come together withyour partner and then you work
on a journey that you're goingto go on together.
It's like, okay, where do ourdesires overlap?
How can I help you experiencethe feelings you want to feel?
How can you do that for me?
But at a very high level, here'swhat I say lead with curiosity
and with gratitude.
Ask your partner, hey, are thereany fantasies you've ever been
(45:20):
curious about exploring?
Whether or not they shareanything.
I think you should say, well,thanks for considering it and
taking my question seriously.
I'd like to share one of mine.
And then that's your segue tointroduce it.
And the thing that I recommendpeople do, man or woman, it
doesn't matter.
Lead with your feelings.
I like to feel taken.
(45:42):
I like to feel secure.
I want to feel a little scared.
So lead with the feeling youwant and then introduce the kink
that you think might make youfeel that way, right?
Because I think that if you youjust say, I want you to go sleep
with somebody else, you know,like for a cuck holding example,
that might be a little jarringfor someone because it might
(46:04):
introduce the idea, like, oh, doyou not want to have sex with
me?
You think that you want tooutsource it to somebody else?
But if you are into cuck holdingand you say, I enjoy playing
with the idea of feelingembarrassed or humiliated during
sex, and the way that would Iwould feel that way is if you
went and slept with somebodyelse, I'd like to talk about
that fantasy.
That's that's your segue, that'syour introduction conversation,
(46:25):
and you go from there.
Yeah.
So that's that's my starterpack.
SPEAKER_02 (46:30):
That's great.
And and I will share that linkbecause it's super important to
start having conversations withyour partner.
There's no getting around that,by the way.
Guys, there's just like beingable to communicate with your
partner.
There's no getting around it.
I think deep down, so manypeople are like, I don't want to
have to talk about it.
I just want it to happen.
(46:51):
It's not gonna happen if youdon't figure out how to
communicate, right?
SPEAKER_01 (46:55):
Yeah, they so many people want to hint at it.
I mean, like, we just wantpeople to know.
That's the fantasy, that's theultimate fantasy.
Oh, this person's just gonnaknow exactly what I want, and we
never have to have aconversation.
But of all the fantasies, that'sthe least realistic one.
Like, that's never gonna happen.
People need to communicate.
SPEAKER_02 (47:14):
Thank you so much for joining me today.
Can you give my listenerseverywhere they can find you,
um, including your podcast?
Because a great way also to diveinto this month and learn more
is by listening to people likethe two of us and checking out
our podcasts.
SPEAKER_01 (47:32):
Yeah, I'm happy to find me on Instagram, well,
social media as the underscorekink consultant on Instagram,
and then all one word the kinkconsultant on TikTok.
The podcast is the KinkConsultant Podcast.
You can find that anywhere youget podcasts.
And then finally,Amandadames.com for my freebies.
(47:53):
If you want to book a session,if you want, I offer some
courses, some intro courses.
So if you're looking for anintro to kink, you can find it
at amandadames.com as well.
unknown (48:02):
Perfect.
SPEAKER_02 (48:02):
All right, guys, you are set up for Kingtober.
This episode is a perfect way tolead into it.
Take advantage of just the funopportunity to get playful and
explore with your partner.
And and I will be sending youlots of stuff via my Substack
newsletter and my e newsletter.
So you want to sign up for it ifyou haven't already, scroll down
(48:25):
to the links below.
You're gonna find them, sign upbecause I will be sending lots
of different kink guides, lotsof different ideas for toys,
equipment, and props.
They're always fun outfits.
Uh, you don't want to miss out.
So listen, welcome to Kinktober.
And until next time, I will seeyou all in the locker room.
(48:46):
Cheers.
SPEAKER_00 (48:47):
Cheers right now.
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