November 4, 2025 • 52 mins
You want to bring toys into the bedroom… but every time you try, it feels awkward, forced, or like it kills the vibe. So the toys go back in the drawer and you go back to “just us” — even if “just us” has started to feel a little routine.
In this episode of Talk Sex with Annette, I’m joined by Kate Cova (In Bed With Kate) — sex educator, product developer, and one of the most trusted voices in the pleasure product world. Together, we break down exactly how to use sex toys without making it weird, and how to turn them into foreplay that actually brings you closer.
Whether your partner is hesitant, you’re scared of making it awkward, or you’re just tired of guessing what goes where, this episode gives you the language, the mindset, and the toy ideas to start tonight.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_01 (00:01):
Do the sex.
SPEAKER_00 (00:02):
I'm Annette Benedetti, host of the podcast
formerly known as Locker RoomTalk and Shots.
The show has a new name, TalkSex with Annette.
But at its core, this is stillyour locker room.
It's where we strip away shame,get curious, and speak the
unspoken about sex, kink,dating, pleasure, and desire.
Around here, nothing's offlimits.
(00:24):
These are the kinds ofconversations we save for our
boldest group chats, our mosttrusted friends, and of course,
the women's locker room.
Think raw, honest, and sometimesunapologetically raunchy.
If you've been here from thebeginning, thank you.
And if you're new, welcome to mypodcast where desire meets
disruption and pleasure becomespower.
(00:46):
Now, let's talk about sex.
Cheers.
Right, Low.
Today's Talk Sex with Annettetopic is how to use sex toys and
foreplay without killing themood.
You want to bring toys into thebedroom, but every time you try,
it either kills the mood or endsup gathering dust in the drawer.
(01:10):
Today we're fixing that becausethe truth is adding toys to
foreplay can take your sex lifefrom routine to mind-blowing,
but only if you know how to doit right.
And I've got the perfect guestto help.
I'm joined by Kate Kozlova, thepowerhouse behind In Bed with
(01:30):
Kate.
She is a sex educator, a productdeveloper, YouTuber, and one of
the most respected names in thesex toy industry.
With over a decade of experienceacross retail, product
innovation, and adult wellnesseducation, she knows exactly
what it takes to make toys notjust sexy, but deeply connective
(01:54):
for couples.
In this episode, we are walkingyou through how to start the
conversation without making itweird, which toys are best for
beginners, and how to turn toyplay into foreplay that brings
you closer, not farther apart.
So whether your partner's alittle hesitant or you're just
tired of guessing what goeswhere, this episode is for you.
(02:17):
But before we dive in, I want toremind you that I'm over on
OnlyFans, and there I am sharingmy sex and intimacy, how-to's,
demonstrations, and audio guidedself-pleasure meditations, and
so much more.
I'm also on ZubStack doing thesame.
You can find me in both placeswith my handle at TalkSex with
Anne, or you can scroll down tothe notes section in this
(02:38):
episode, and you're going tofind links to everywhere you
might want to find me.
I'm looking forward to seeingyou there.
But for now, Kate, will you tellmy listeners just a little bit
more about you?
SPEAKER_01 (02:50):
Hi, everyone, and thank you so much, Annette, for
having me here today.
I'm very excited about thisconversation.
A little bit about myself andwhy I decided that educating
people about sex is my love lifecalling or my life purpose,
even, is because when I was ateenager, I observed how
(03:15):
difficult it was to have aconversation about sex, not even
toys, but just in general, aboutsafe sex, about being sexually
open and positive.
And when my peers were, youknow, getting pregnant, getting
us to this, and I was thinking,like, what the hell?
Why nobody explain us what to dowith our genitals?
(03:38):
Because sex is basically, I'dsay, the only thing that really
makes us alive.
It's a part of nature, and it isa human nature.
We should definitely not call itobscene.
So that's why when I wasstudying at my first university,
I started working at the adultstore, and it was one of the
biggest adult retail chains inEurope by that time.
(04:01):
And then I gradually built mycareer, and I became a brand
manager.
So I started our own line of sextoys, and then we opened the
first sex education center inEastern Europe where we would
give lectures about anal sex orhow to do prostate massage or
(04:24):
how to give skillful blowjobs orhand jobs your partner will
never forget.
And from there my sex educationcareer took off.
And then when I moved to theUnited States eight years ago, I
continued pursuing my path onthe homeland of sex toy
industry, city of Los Angeles,where I am right now.
(04:48):
And I started working on themanufacturing side of the
business.
So basically, I worked on allsides of the industry, pleasure
product industry that isexpected to reach$30 billion by
2003.
And this is not a coincidence,and I'll explain you why these
toys are so popular and why someof them you definitely want to
(05:09):
have in your bedside drawer ifyou want to actually create sex
like a form of art.
Yeah.
So I would say in a partner sex,it's all about adding more
ingredients to your play.
Because as time goes by, ofcourse, things become boring,
monotonous.
(05:30):
And that's why this industryexists to save a lot of
marriages, to save a lot ofcouples from breaking up.
As you can see, I have a lot ofdevices on the background.
And this is not even all of it.
I'm so excited to get startedand dive right into that.
SPEAKER_00 (05:48):
Yeah.
So, and that's exactly whatwe're gonna do for you, for
couples, for people juststarting relationships, for
people who have friends who theyfuck.
We are going to help you figureout how to start integrating sex
toys into your foreplay, intosex, and take your intimate life
(06:09):
from, you know, routine,standard, to an art form,
something that you want to comeback for more and more and more
of.
If you have a partner that youreally are hoping to get more
engaged, if you are one of themany listeners that reach
reaches out to me and says, Ican't get my wife to want sex
more, she'll do it, but she shedoes it kind of begrudgingly.
(06:32):
She's not passionate about it.
This is going to be a way to gether interested in coming back
for more and more.
So I am ready to dive in.
Let's talk about using toys tonext level your foreplay and
your sex life.
Kate, I want to start with thefact that you have worked with
(06:52):
hundreds of couples over theyears.
Why do you think so many peoplefeel nervous about introducing
sex toys into their sex life,even though the industry is
booming?
SPEAKER_01 (07:04):
I would say there is a lot of assumptions.
There are a lot of differentangles how people look at that,
depending on their upbringing,depending on their parents, and
whether they did create thisfeeling of sexual shame for them
moving forward.
Then there are also a lot ofpeople who just don't feel
(07:25):
confident enough, and they thinkthat the toy is something that
is gonna replace them duringsex.
But this is just simply lack ofknowledge because they don't
know about all the toys that youcan actually use during sex.
And plus, you also have a lot ofpeople who had religious
upbringing, right?
(07:46):
And everybody really uhinterprets it differently.
For some people, being religiousand being faithful goes well
together with the fact that youwant to improve your sex life,
you want to live with yourpartner for longer.
And for some people, it createsthis feeling of shame,
(08:07):
frustration, and sometimespeople just can't even say the
word sex.
So for for some couples, itwould take watching porn
together and see what they bothlike.
For some couples, it will takegoing to therapists and then
writing things on a piece ofpaper and giving to each other
(08:27):
to really dive into whatfantasies they have because they
just can't even communicatethat.
So, and again, the lack ofgeneral knowledge and
understanding of how our bodieswork, because not every
erogenous zone can be stimulatedwith fingers or the penis, just
(08:50):
these simple things that a lotof men, for example, think that
around process for women is verysimilar to a rouse process for
penis owners.
All of those things combinedtogether, of course, lead to
hesitation in some cases, andplus it really varies from
(09:12):
country to country, from fromyour family and upbringing, like
what is your what is yourrelationship with sex, let me
put it this way.
SPEAKER_00 (09:23):
Right.
So, I mean what it just kind ofsum up what you're saying, there
are a lot of myths.
The myths that a toy is going toreplace this in particular penis
owners and their the the worthof their penis, there's purity
culture that makes people feelashamed of even having sex for
pleasure.
(09:43):
So introducing a toy then makesit really more about pleasure
and orgasm and play thanprocreation.
And so, and then the just notunderstanding how especially
women's arousal takes place asopposed to a penis owner, and
(10:04):
that of course, toys can helpfacilitate that happening faster
and in more ways than one.
SPEAKER_01 (10:12):
But I would say, apart from that, it's just like
it's general insecurity, it'sfear of being judged, because
sometimes people who do havesome kinks or fantasies that are
that seem to them to be notnormal.
However, I don't believe thatthere is a term normal when it
(10:33):
comes to sex, because it it willrise from person to person.
So, yeah, it's a lot ofdifferent factors, it's a fear
of rejection if you if you areplanning to bring it up for the
first time and you really don'tknow what's your partner's take
on that.
And of course, just lack ofcommunication because a lot of
couples, after 10 yearstogether, they get to the point
(10:56):
that they just watch TVtogether.
They don't even talk.
It's not even about sex, youknow, it's just it's so sex and
relationship and quality of yourrelationship, quality of your
communication are interconnectedbetween each other, and there is
nothing we can do about it.
It's just all these blocks thatwe have, and we have to free
from them, you know.
(11:16):
So it has to some personalgrowth and development have to
have to happen sometimes toempower sexually and to actually
say it out loud what it is thatyou want.
SPEAKER_00 (11:28):
Right.
So, how do we help men inparticular?
Because I I think we see thisprimarily in the straight cis
heterosexual male cohort, wherethat they're more opposed to
toys than I would say they'rebisexual and gay male peers, or
(11:52):
even women.
So, how do we help those men uhsee toys as a tool as opposed to
a threat?
SPEAKER_01 (12:04):
I would say, first of all, about the difference,
right?
Why it's more accepted amongLGBTQ members is because, first
of all, they already had to freethemselves sexually, right, to
admit that they are differentthan heterosexual people.
They are different from whattheir parents expected them to
(12:26):
be.
So it's easier for them to trynew things and to explore.
When it comes to a heterosexualman, especially these days when
we have a trend for masculinity,right, for showing your power,
showing your strengths, and nowlike women have to fight for
their place in society again.
(12:48):
Unfortunately, this is happeningbecause the history has its
cycles.
So if we are talking about menlike this, it really depends on
where they are on the spectrum,right?
So, and what is their goal here?
If they are so insecure thatthey get inspired by masculinity
(13:08):
and ideas behind that, then itwill take more work, right?
If it's just a man that just hasnever simply tried or just
doesn't know enough, then it'sgonna be an easier journey to
get there.
So, first of all, I think it'sall about how we approach this
topic, right?
(13:29):
It should never feel like anobligation or like forcing
somebody to do something theydon't like.
And sex should never feel likeobligation in general, with toys
or without toys.
Because if that's happening,then something is off between
you two, and maybe that's thenmaybe you should revisit whether
that's your person in general.
(13:51):
So I would say it's all aboutfirst of all, how we communicate
this, and we explain that thisis not something to replace,
this is something to enjoytogether, right?
So then we also have to educatepeople because people who are
hesitant again they lackknowledge, and there are so many
(14:12):
resources.
For example, your podcast or mysex education, or all of the sex
education work that is beingdone every single day, and that
explains exactly why it's worthincorporating, for example,
clitoral stimulation, or why itmakes sense to use a cochlean if
you are the one who cannot lastlonger in bed and you have a
(14:36):
problem with prematureejaculation.
So, first of all, they need tounderstand why these toys are
built the way they built, andwhat problems or what issues
with intimacy they address andhow it can benefit them.
From there, we start exploringtogether, right?
So you have couples going tovacation, going somewhere, I
(15:01):
don't know, out of towntogether.
Why?
To create this mutualexperience, right?
To create this experience thatyou can then watch the pictures
and remember how good it felt,you can do the same with sex.
And again, it's all about addingmore ingredients.
And then also it's aboutcommunication about your needs
(15:27):
as a partner.
So if, for example, we have asituation where he takes on
average five minutes to climaxfrom penetrative sex, and for
you it's 15 minutes.
This is average for for men andwomen around the globe.
And then you have this orgasmgap, right?
So he does finish, but youdon't.
(15:50):
And until you really open upabout it, until you stop faking
orgasms, he cannot guess.
The men are very straightforwardin terms of like you should not
expect them to figure it out ontheir own.
You have to be open and trustthem enough.
Trust that they will not judge,trust that they will understand,
(16:14):
and again, I think it's about,you know, like in any other
communication or argument, it'sabout like how many valid
reasons you have to do that,right?
So then we introduce them, theexperience was tool.
If it's like something that ismore fun for both of you, we can
ease into that.
For example, you can start withwatching porn together and see
(16:37):
what really turns him on.
Because a lot of women, they areso surprised when they find what
their partner watches onlinebecause they have never
discussed that, even thoughthey've been together for many
years.
So, yeah, all of these thingsare very common, and this has to
be a shared experience that theyenjoy.
Once they get on this ride, theymight get even more excited than
(17:01):
you.
You don't know, right?
But for example, how do we easeinto that?
Of course, we don't want tostart, you know, with toys for
feasting or anything like that,or chastity belts if you are not
into kink and BDSM.
But if you start with somethingthat just makes sense to use
during sex, it can be a bullet,or it can be a wearable vibrator
(17:27):
like this one, or it can besomething that actually closes
orgasm gap.
I will dive into this topiclater, but basically, yeah, what
happens is you just graduallybuild your way up, right?
You can start with something assimple as just adding a
(17:47):
lubricant.
If you know that you get drydown there and this is not an
issue with you or with yourvagina, it's just simply your
body needs more time to get onthe same page as mine, right?
First you add the lubricant,then you add lubricant, for
example, with some flavor, sothat you can actually also enjoy
(18:09):
giving oral and it tastes like adessert, like I don't know,
cappuccino or chocolate orwhatever it can be.
And from there you maybe add alittle tiny vibrator.
Maybe it will be a cook ringwith a clitoral stimulation, or
it will be something moreadvanced, but again, it's all
about communication anddialogue.
If you cannot communicate aboutthis, then there are issues in
(18:32):
other areas of your life andrelationship as well.
But the most importantly, theyshould not be threatened.
My very first job at the AdultStore when I was 18 years old,
because as I said, I knew thatit was my calling from the
beginning of times.
There were so many men that wereso hesitant to buy anything
(18:53):
because they simply would say,then you will not need me
anymore, you know?
So this is this is a stigma thatwe need to break because the toy
will not replace, the toy willenhance, the toy will improve
your experience, the toy willopen up new horizons of
(19:14):
pleasure, but it will neverreplace your penis.
And this is the message thatevery woman out there who has
difficulty communicating thiswith their partner should
deliver.
SPEAKER_00 (19:25):
Right.
And and I think it's interestingyou say that because, first of
all, I think it's very true.
Toys are wonderful and peopleuse them.
And even in lesbianrelationships with woman on
woman sex, what toys neverreplace is that human contact,
that skin-to-skin element,right?
(19:46):
It can enhance and arouse you tothe point that you're more
sensitive and you can reallyenjoy, whether it's a finger or
a tongue or a penis inside ofyou, it can enhance that
experience.
But what toys just don't everreally replace is that human
contact that throws you over theedge, right?
(20:08):
And that gives you a differenttype of intimacy, like that sort
of like it's like the luxuryintimacy experiences with
another human, but it can primeyou to really be able to enjoy
that penetrative sex with a bodypart, another person's body
(20:29):
part, whether that's a penis orfingers, so on and so forth.
So, what I would like you totell my listeners right now is
can you give them an example,maybe a line or two?
What could they say to theirpartner if they were wanting to
bring up introducing toys intoforeplay?
(20:52):
Can you give them just a coupleof lines or a couple of options
of things to sit down and say totheir partner to open up the
subject?
SPEAKER_01 (21:02):
Yes, but before we get into that, also the
difference between the usingtoys and having sex with a real
person is energy exchange.
You don't have this energyexchange with a toy.
I mean, you have just mechanicalgetting you off, yes, it is very
likely to happen with a toy, buton an energetic level, nothing
(21:23):
is really happening, so that'swhy it's not comparable.
So about how to actuallyintroduce it, I would say make
it sound like a playful fantasy.
Don't just come back from workand say, okay, let's try this
tonight, right?
First of all, you can just getsomething yourself and just show
(21:46):
them during the process how itmakes you feel.
Or you can tell them, oh, youknow, like I read this, I don't
know, in Cosmopolitan, or Iwatched this online, I saw it in
Sex in the City, and it got meso turned on.
Maybe maybe we should try it oneday.
Maybe we can shop for thistogether when you are off,
(22:08):
right?
Or so basically, it should beplayful, it should not be
criticism, right?
You cannot tell them, you knowwhat, I'm not even or I'm not
even climbing soon with myclitoris because you don't know
where it is.
No, you tell them, hey, Iimagine me wearing this and
(22:32):
while you are controlling itfrom your phone in public.
You know, like some that createsa fantasy, creates a visionary
in their brain.
Because for men, it's very easyto get turned on when the
fantasy aspect is involved.
They have to imagine this.
(22:53):
So you have to explain it tothem in a language that will get
them turned on.
It can be a sexy text.
Let's say, hey, I was justsitting at work.
I was thinking, well, how goodit would feel if you penetrate
me virginally while I havesomething inside of my butt.
(23:16):
What do you think about that?
You know, like things like that.
Simple, small, I'd say smallthings like lubricant you can
just buy and just use on him.
He will not even ask because ifyou show him a difference, given
a blowjob with a lubricant orwithout, they will never want to
go back to having a blowjobwithout a lubricant.
(23:39):
Yeah, like it's it's just amatter of trying.
You never know that you likesomething until you try it.
And it applies to everything, toyour professional life, to your
hobbies.
You have to try it.
At least once.
SPEAKER_00 (23:54):
Right, right.
So can we talk about now you'vebrought it up to them and
they're on board?
Let's kind of go through somebeginner-friendly toys that can
be used in foreplay.
Maybe starting at basic, andyou've already named a couple,
obviously, Lube.
You brought up the bullet.
But let's kind of work our rampour way up a little bit.
(24:17):
What are the possibilities?
Starting points and then dream.
What are we gonna ramp up to?
SPEAKER_01 (24:25):
Okay, so first let me explain about the importance
of foreplay for having a youknow successful mutual
experience, a simultaneousorgasm, maybe even.
So the arousal process for menand women is very different,
right?
So we have the arousal, we haveplateau, and then we have orgasm
(24:47):
and resolution.
So the stages are the same inpenis owners and vulgo owners.
However, for women, this arousalprocess is very different.
Because for women, it's aresponsive design, basically,
because of our anatomy.
So we respond to stimulation.
(25:08):
Men can get heard at any pointof time if they just have a
little thought, or they justwake up with the morning wood.
This does not happen for women.
So the reason for that is thatour anatomy is different, and
for men, engaging in a quickie,in quick sex, is more common and
(25:32):
more realistic than, forexample, for women without
proper tools or without spendingenough time on foreplay.
Why?
Because for women, it takes timeto get body on the same page as
mine.
So, what do I mean by that?
For women, this around stage canlast anywhere from 10 to 20
(25:54):
minutes.
Men can get into sex like rightaway, right?
So they can lose erection fast,or then it can come back.
But for women, just to get tothe around stage, it does take
longer.
Now, without natural vaginallubrication, there is nothing
really you can enjoy whilehaving partner sex.
(26:16):
So that's why, first of all,about lubrication, this is not
your fault, and this is not alack of the desire from the on
the women's side.
It's just simply other factorsthat can affect your ability to
produce vaginal liquid.
Let's say if you are on birthcontrol, if you are dehydrated,
(26:38):
if you simply had alcoholearlier today, as a result, you
you become dehydrated.
So, or maybe you are just notrelaxed enough, maybe you are
just emotionally somewhere else,because for women the emotional
component is very important,it's not just about physical
stimulation, so which means thatwe have to spend at least 15 to
(27:03):
20 minutes to start this arousalprocess, right?
If we need to, we also can addsome lubricant to it.
Then, how do we start thisarousal process and what it
really depends on?
First of all, clitoralstimulation.
(27:24):
This is so crucial because somany men still believe that
clitoris is just this tinybutton, just the hood of it, but
it's actually four inches long,and there are internal parts
that you don't see, but theystill have to be stimulated.
And your ability to experienceG-spot orgasm is also
interconnected with clitoralstimulation.
(27:47):
So, to get this process going,first you want to spend enough
time stimulating clitoris.
Unfortunately, not all men aremasters and quinilingus, and
some of them refuse refusegiving it in general, and that's
where the toys come in.
(28:08):
Because this is so simple, andit will make this experience so
much more pleasurable for bothof you if you don't have to you
know sit there and wait until itgets on the same page and you
can just add a toy to it.
So I would say any vibratingproduct that can be applied to
(28:31):
the clitoris will stimulate theblood flow to genital area to
your pelvic floor, which willmake you more sensitive to
stimulation, which will, by theend of the day, make your blood
vessels expand and the arousalwill begin.
So if we are talking about thetoys that are multifunctional,
(28:52):
let's say like any vibrator likethis, if you apply it to the
clitoris, your arousal processcan take a way less time and
effort, right?
And you can do other things atthe same time.
You can enjoy oral sex or givenmassages, whatever it is.
SPEAKER_00 (29:11):
Then you can also make a a note, a note to my
listeners who are only on myaudio podcast.
If you want to head over to myYouTube channel at
TalkSexWithanet, you can seedifferent toys that she is
holding up.
Of course, we'll try to describethem as she's holding them up,
but you can actually see them ifyou head over there to at
(29:31):
TalkSexwithanet.
SPEAKER_01 (29:34):
The ones that I'm showing right now are actually
interactive, so you can alsocontrol them from your phone.
So this is Kira, the pioneer ininteractive toys.
So, but the shapes like this,like any mini vibrator, can be
applied to the clitoris duringforeplay, and it will it makes
total sense to try it.
So the egg like this, forexample, you can use it
(29:57):
externally on the clitoris, oryou can use it.
That's a wearable vibrator.
Go somewhere out in the publicand let your partner control
your pleasure from their phone.
It is a very exciting way toplay.
Or it can be even like somethingsimple as a bullet, but I would
prefer something that is made ofsilicone and where you can play
(30:18):
with the different settings andfrequences.
Also, I would highly suggest toconsider some more advanced
couple devices.
For example, something likethis.
So this is the part of Luxus,and it's called LuxHeart.
So this is the brand newtechnology for couples that aims
(30:41):
to close this orgasm gap that weall are talking about.
So what it does, this smartpleasure system, makes partners
climax simultaneously, becausewe all know we all know by now
that for man it takes longer,right?
So he wears the ring on a peniswhen it's already erect, right?
(31:01):
So he wears before penetrativesex.
And she has this clitoral vibeon a clitoris before sex and
during also.
It will totally work.
And what happens here is when hetrusts faster, this activates
(31:22):
glital part so that vulva ownercan catch up and achieve orgasm
at the same time.
Because obviously, right.
SPEAKER_00 (31:31):
For my listeners, this is a toy that aware of so
some really fun toys tointroduce into your foreplay are
couples toys, as she hasmentioned.
Now there are all differenttypes, as she mentioned, the
wearable like eggs that can beactivated by the by the foam.
But if you go to my YouTubechannel now, she'll see there's
(31:51):
also a new product out wherethere's a wearable clitoral
piece that actually you can justput on your clit and wear around
and activate.
And it pairs with a cock ringand that your partner wears and
they talk to each other.
So this helps close the orgasmgap in that during sex, and even
(32:13):
when you're not having sex, onethat the cock ring turns on the
clitoral piece, the clitoralpiece starts vibrating,
obviously getting her excitedbased on his movements.
So it also helps kind of bringyou together.
So you're getting that pleasuretogether.
So this isn't just foreplay.
This is actually a toy that'salso can be used during sex,
(32:35):
right?
And the I think the kind of coolthing about this type of system,
which is newer, folks.
So this is kind of a newersystem, is that it doesn't
replace the penis at all.
In fact, it doesn't work withoutthe penis if that is your
partner's concern, right?
You gotta have the cock in orderto get half of this toy to light
(32:56):
up your half.
So that's that's a fun new pieceas well, correct?
And you can go to my YouTubechannel and actually see the two
separate parts.
There's a like a little teardropclitoral piece that goes right
over your clit, and there's alittle cock green, a little,
it's expandable.
It's also for big boys.
It's also for big boys.
(33:18):
All the sizes.
And it's that big, it'll tellyou.
Gotta be careful, gotta becareful when you're talking
about about cock toys, callingthem little.
So there are a variety of typesof of these toys that, you know,
I think obviously this would bea little bit more of a more
advanced system for someone touse.
(33:39):
But starting with like thatbullet, like you said, and like
earlier, she had just held upkind of a typical, I say
typical, but I know for peoplewho haven't been using toys,
none of this is typical, but avibrator that can reach the clit
that you can either use onyourself while you're playing
with your partner or they canuse on you.
But I think I like the idea ofthese couples' toys where either
(34:05):
you're wearing something thatyour partner is controlling.
I like those in particular forforepore foreplay because you
can take foreplay out of thehouse.
You can like even if you're justin your car and you're
stimulating your partner.
This is truly a part of speakingto a woman's arousal system,
(34:25):
which is that foreplay startingbefore you even get in bed.
And these toys allow you tostart playing.
The idea of playing with eachother before your clothes are
off, before you're just gettingnaked and pushing, you know, the
penis in, that's that really cankill sex drive and interest.
But this is like arousal, thisis anticipation, bringing
(34:49):
anticipation into sex by usingtoys like that.
And then, of course, you got thecoup de gras, which is a toy
that actually helps you duringsex close that orgasm gap and
provides pleasure to bothpeople's, you know, most
important parts, the clitorisand of course the cock, right?
SPEAKER_01 (35:08):
Yes, absolutely.
And this piece you can use itduring foreplay, just like
wearing this, like a harness orvibrating butterfly.
You don't have to combine itwith a ring, but it makes total
sense to do so.
Because again, there is a 30%orgasm gap, and this ring tells
clitoral apart when he's aboutto climax.
(35:28):
So when I first found out aboutthis technology, I was so amazed
by the fact that finallysomebody decided to close the
orgasm gap with the help oftechnology, because technology
is in every part of our lives,you know, sex is the exemption
for sure.
And yeah, so if you are notready to use something during
(35:50):
sex, things like, for example,wounds.
There are many different woundson the market, and some of them
you can only use externally,some of them you can insert,
like this one, for example.
But the wounds usually do havean immerse power, and whether
you need to stimulate your neckto relieve pain, or your back,
(36:12):
or perineum, or clitoris, ornipples, all of that can be
accomplished with just one typeof product that is wound
vibrator.
And yeah, I mean, there are somany different things that you
can implement when it comes notjust to toys, but also some
intimate cosmetics, for example.
(36:33):
I really get turned on from theidea of using the massage
candles during foreplay, right?
SPEAKER_00 (36:39):
I love massage candles.
If you, folks, actually, I thinkit's fair to say that that's a
great entry-level product.
The idea of using a massagecandle, and there are so many
good ones out there that notonly smell good, but feel so
good on the skin.
And I think many of them workbetter than massage oils.
(37:00):
I would argue that.
And that's a great entry-levelproduct.
And again, this brings in likebuilding the anticipation, it's
that skin-on-skin contact andsomething to enhance it.
It's a great example ofenhancing what you already have,
right?
And and anybody of any gender isgonna be like in for a massage,
(37:24):
especially one that leads to thegenitals, right?
I love that.
SPEAKER_01 (37:28):
And massage candles are good not only because not
only from the perspective ofmassage, but also wax play is
one of the very common fantasiesthat a lot of people just afraid
to try because it does burn theskin when you use the wax
candle.
Massage candles that arespecifically designed for this
(37:52):
purpose, they only contain oiland pheromones, and when they
burn, the oil is not that hotbecause it melts under a
different temperature.
So it's super safe and it's sosexy when you pour it on
yourself like this.
And yes, it's totally combinedwith other toys too.
Or yeah, so depending on what'sthe goal is, like if you want to
(38:12):
be more in the kind of fantasyaspect of things, lingerie, roll
costumes, massage candles,massage oils, then there is also
I just did a review of thisproduct, and there is the
product for your bus that youcan enjoy together in a romantic
setting, and it turns your businto a lubricant.
(38:34):
So you basically you are coveredin lubricant and you are taking
this bus with your partner.
It's an amazing sensoryexperience.
And you know, even the smallthings, for example, blindfold,
right?
You blindfold your partner, andthen let's say you are using, I
don't know, something like thisor other masturbator on them.
SPEAKER_00 (38:57):
Pull out just for my listeners, she's kind of pulling
out masturbators.
So here's a good point as wellthat we have not mentioned yet,
which is kind of funny.
That they're also toys for men.
And I can tell you from mypersonal experience, using toys,
I've gotten different types ofmasturbators, also I would call
blowjob enhancers, but take thework off me and add sensation to
(39:22):
the cock.
Toys are also for men.
Toys also enhance a man'sexperience.
And I, as a woman, never feellike I'm being replaced by a toy
I'm using to help me give abetter blowjob.
Do I feel like I'm I'm lessvaluable in the process?
(39:42):
No, I just feel like I get torest a little bit more and give
you more pleasure with an, youknow, adding in a masturbator or
a vibrator on the cock.
So, and I think it's somethingthat's becoming more well known,
at least, is that there are alot of toys to enhance his
pleasure.
So, a suggestion I would give isif you are going to bring up
(40:04):
toys with your partner, ifyou're especially a Volva owner
or a woman doing this, bring upthe idea of toys to use on him
as well.
So it doesn't just sound likeyou're not good enough.
I want to use toys.
It could be like, oh, I want totry using this on your cock, or
I want to try using, you know,this on whatever body part,
(40:28):
maybe if you're trying to like,you know, get a little anal play
in there too.
Make it about his pleasure aswell.
SPEAKER_01 (40:36):
Yes, that is a very good idea.
If he is open to that, or evenif he is not, you know, because
for some men, I don't know,buying realistic pussy might
feel a little bit offensive oreven more insecure.
But if it's something that youcan use during blowjob, let's
(40:57):
say it's a popping candy thatyou put in your mouth and pops
in your mouth together with thepenis, or if he if he has this
blindfold on his eyes and youare giving him a hand job with
the egg like this, or with ahandheld, a handheld
masturbator, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (41:15):
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (41:16):
So this for sure will I say open up his sensors
more and will make him more opento the idea of trying more
things, you know, adding moreingredients.
And also there are some toysthat you can use in sync with
each other, right?
SPEAKER_00 (41:36):
So let's say if you have this and he has this, you
can even explain what you'reholding up for my listeners?
SPEAKER_01 (41:46):
So this one is the automated interactive male
stroker that provides 240strokes per minute.
But the point is that apart fromusing solar, you can also sync
it to a vibrator on a longdistance.
So let's say if you are engagingin foreplay and you are watching
(42:08):
a porn video together, wheneveryou do trust in and out of
vagina, it transfers the signalto the stroker and makes it go
on the same exact pace, and viceversa.
So yeah, I mean there are somany different things that you
can implement, but it reallydepends on what is more
appealing.
Uh, because for some people itwill be just handcuffs, for some
(42:30):
people it will be just using acrop with this blindfold, and
for some people it will be likeyou know, empowered devices or
interactive or ep-controlled.
But as long as you are ready tostart and see where this journey
takes you.
SPEAKER_00 (42:47):
Right.
So start simple, folks.
You you may not jump to thesynced vibrating stroker and
dildo, although I'm definitelyready for that.
Especially if you have a partnerwho's timid about it, it's start
small, right?
Start with the vibrators, startwith the massage candles.
And then once you integrate theminto your sex life and you get
(43:10):
used to, and remember, practicemakes perfect.
The first time you use a sex toywith someone, it may not go
seamlessly.
It may be funny, awkward, slipout, sound weird, but that's
part of the playfulness of sex,right?
Getting to navigate thattogether.
And the more you do it, thebetter it gets.
(43:31):
Practice makes perfect.
And when you find a toy that youreally get good at, then you can
look at the next level.
Okay, what do we want to trynow?
But I think the trick really is,and I think you'd agree, is
opening the door, getting thatfirst toy in there.
Start getting the products inthere and making sex an
experience, enhancing it, right?
(43:51):
Like enhancing it as you said,adding more to it so that it
doesn't feel like work.
It feels like play, it feelslike an adventure, it feels like
a vacation, a mini vacationyou're taking together.
SPEAKER_01 (44:04):
Yeah, absolutely.
Just think about that.
Like when you are cooking, forexample, right?
And you have a chicken breastand it's dry.
It's dry, it's just like justthe chicken breast, and you
don't use anything else.
It's dry, it does not have anyflavor.
Why wouldn't you add some sauceto it?
Why wouldn't you add some spicesto it, right?
(44:25):
So that's the same for partnersex.
When it's your first sex, ofcourse, you might be very
excited and happy and it willfeel perfect.
But after a year, two, three,four, five, sex also becomes
some.
No, I I don't want to call itwork, but it requires some
effort from both sides to keepit interesting, to keep it
(44:48):
sexual.
Creativity.
Yeah, creativity because sexualenergy is actually it's a
creative energy.
So if you if you are afraid tobe creative and bad, uh there is
a victims you are afraid ofbeing creative in other areas of
your life too.
SPEAKER_00 (45:05):
So yeah.
No one wants that.
Right.
Thank you so much, listeners.
I think you have a lot of ideashere.
She's giving you some scripts toopen the idea of bringing sex
toys into the bedroom.
You have a lot ofbeginner-friendly ideas.
We definitely gave you someadvanced ideas.
And hey, you know, there aresome people who like to just
(45:29):
like go in go.
If you're gonna go in, go inhard, you can go straight to
advance and figure it out.
But I feel like you've got sortof a good go package for tonight
if you want to bring this upwith your partner.
If you are one of my manylisteners who has reached out
and said, my partner justdoesn't desire me.
(45:50):
My partner, you know, I'm tryingto do the things for her, but
she just doesn't want to havesex.
Maybe go to her tonight and say,Hey, how would you like to play
with a toy or buy a toy with metonight?
How would you like to just try,you know, maybe bring it up to
her, have her listen to thispodcast with you.
(46:10):
She might get excited aboutthat.
So it's just, it's just an idea.
Start getting creative, addingredients to that dried
chicken.
Maybe she's sick of driedchicken.
Maybe she wants some chickenwith sauce and spices.
Exactly.
And and Key will love it morewith spices and a sauce too, you
know?
Right.
Yes, absolutely.
(46:31):
Thank you so much.
Will you do me a favor and takea moment to tell my listeners
where they can find you if theywant to find out more about you
and what you offer?
SPEAKER_01 (46:40):
Thank you so much for for your time.
And thank you so much for thisstimulating conversation.
And for listeners who would liketo continue their sexual
exploration and sex education,please check out my YouTube
channel, Inbed with Skate.
Also, you can find Inbed withSkate on Patreon, Vimeo, Rumble,
(47:03):
and everywhere else, becauseYouTube recently deleted my
channel, but I did prove themthat sex education is not
obscene, and this is just a partof our human nature.
So, yes, now you can find it onYouTube as well.
And I'm so happy to share thiswith you.
And of course, there are so manyother things that I would like
(47:25):
to share, but we have limitedtime.
So it's all about making thisfirst step towards satisfying
and sexually fulfillingexperience.
And again, if there is an themeassociated with this, please try
to dive into where it's comingfrom and don't judge until you
(47:46):
try.
And I wish you a wonderful andexciting sex life.
And if it's not like that rightnow, it's all in your hands to
make it a different experiencefor yourself and your partner.
Don't get settled with whatever.
SPEAKER_00 (48:03):
And you do deserve better sex.
Thank you so much.
So, listeners, this has been agreat intro into how to use sex
toys.
Well, mostly for for for play,but also for better sex.
So I'm hoping that all of you goout and give it a try.
If you have any questions orcomments, especially on this
(48:25):
video or this topic, make sureto make your way over to my
YouTube channel at TalkSexwithinet.
You can drop a comment below thevideo or a question.
And so I know exactly whatyou're referring to.
You can also reach out to medirectly at Annette at TalkSex
withinet and email me or scrolldown to the comment section in
this video.
And there is a speak pipe.
(48:45):
You can send me a voicemail.
I would love to talk to you andanswer all of your questions.
Thank you so much for joiningme, Kate.
I really appreciate it.
Thank you.
And so cheers to sex andforeplay and toys.
Lots of toys.
And until next time, listeners,I'll see you in the locker room.
(49:06):
Cheers.
Cheers.
Do the sex.
SPEAKER_00 (00:02):
I'm Annette Benedetti, host of the podcast
formerly known as Locker RoomTalk and Shots.
The show has a new name, TalkSex with Annette.
But at its core, this is stillyour locker room.
It's where we strip away shame,get curious, and speak the
unspoken about sex, kink,dating, pleasure, and desire.
Around here, nothing's offlimits.
(00:24):
These are the kinds ofconversations we save for our
boldest group chats, our mosttrusted friends, and of course,
the women's locker room.
Think raw, honest, and sometimesunapologetically raunchy.
If you've been here from thebeginning, thank you.
And if you're new, welcome to mypodcast where desire meets
disruption and pleasure becomespower.
(00:46):
Now, let's talk about sex.
Cheers.
Right, Low.
Today's Talk Sex with Annettetopic is how to use sex toys and
foreplay without killing themood.
You want to bring toys into thebedroom, but every time you try,
it either kills the mood or endsup gathering dust in the drawer.
(01:10):
Today we're fixing that becausethe truth is adding toys to
foreplay can take your sex lifefrom routine to mind-blowing,
but only if you know how to doit right.
And I've got the perfect guestto help.
I'm joined by Kate Kozlova, thepowerhouse behind In Bed with
(01:30):
Kate.
She is a sex educator, a productdeveloper, YouTuber, and one of
the most respected names in thesex toy industry.
With over a decade of experienceacross retail, product
innovation, and adult wellnesseducation, she knows exactly
what it takes to make toys notjust sexy, but deeply connective
(01:54):
for couples.
In this episode, we are walkingyou through how to start the
conversation without making itweird, which toys are best for
beginners, and how to turn toyplay into foreplay that brings
you closer, not farther apart.
So whether your partner's alittle hesitant or you're just
tired of guessing what goeswhere, this episode is for you.
(02:17):
But before we dive in, I want toremind you that I'm over on
OnlyFans, and there I am sharingmy sex and intimacy, how-to's,
demonstrations, and audio guidedself-pleasure meditations, and
so much more.
I'm also on ZubStack doing thesame.
You can find me in both placeswith my handle at TalkSex with
Anne, or you can scroll down tothe notes section in this
(02:38):
episode, and you're going tofind links to everywhere you
might want to find me.
I'm looking forward to seeingyou there.
But for now, Kate, will you tellmy listeners just a little bit
more about you?
SPEAKER_01 (02:50):
Hi, everyone, and thank you so much, Annette, for
having me here today.
I'm very excited about thisconversation.
A little bit about myself andwhy I decided that educating
people about sex is my love lifecalling or my life purpose,
even, is because when I was ateenager, I observed how
(03:15):
difficult it was to have aconversation about sex, not even
toys, but just in general, aboutsafe sex, about being sexually
open and positive.
And when my peers were, youknow, getting pregnant, getting
us to this, and I was thinking,like, what the hell?
Why nobody explain us what to dowith our genitals?
(03:38):
Because sex is basically, I'dsay, the only thing that really
makes us alive.
It's a part of nature, and it isa human nature.
We should definitely not call itobscene.
So that's why when I wasstudying at my first university,
I started working at the adultstore, and it was one of the
biggest adult retail chains inEurope by that time.
(04:01):
And then I gradually built mycareer, and I became a brand
manager.
So I started our own line of sextoys, and then we opened the
first sex education center inEastern Europe where we would
give lectures about anal sex orhow to do prostate massage or
(04:24):
how to give skillful blowjobs orhand jobs your partner will
never forget.
And from there my sex educationcareer took off.
And then when I moved to theUnited States eight years ago, I
continued pursuing my path onthe homeland of sex toy
industry, city of Los Angeles,where I am right now.
(04:48):
And I started working on themanufacturing side of the
business.
So basically, I worked on allsides of the industry, pleasure
product industry that isexpected to reach$30 billion by
2003.
And this is not a coincidence,and I'll explain you why these
toys are so popular and why someof them you definitely want to
(05:09):
have in your bedside drawer ifyou want to actually create sex
like a form of art.
Yeah.
So I would say in a partner sex,it's all about adding more
ingredients to your play.
Because as time goes by, ofcourse, things become boring,
monotonous.
(05:30):
And that's why this industryexists to save a lot of
marriages, to save a lot ofcouples from breaking up.
As you can see, I have a lot ofdevices on the background.
And this is not even all of it.
I'm so excited to get startedand dive right into that.
SPEAKER_00 (05:48):
Yeah.
So, and that's exactly whatwe're gonna do for you, for
couples, for people juststarting relationships, for
people who have friends who theyfuck.
We are going to help you figureout how to start integrating sex
toys into your foreplay, intosex, and take your intimate life
(06:09):
from, you know, routine,standard, to an art form,
something that you want to comeback for more and more and more
of.
If you have a partner that youreally are hoping to get more
engaged, if you are one of themany listeners that reach
reaches out to me and says, Ican't get my wife to want sex
more, she'll do it, but she shedoes it kind of begrudgingly.
(06:32):
She's not passionate about it.
This is going to be a way to gether interested in coming back
for more and more.
So I am ready to dive in.
Let's talk about using toys tonext level your foreplay and
your sex life.
Kate, I want to start with thefact that you have worked with
(06:52):
hundreds of couples over theyears.
Why do you think so many peoplefeel nervous about introducing
sex toys into their sex life,even though the industry is
booming?
SPEAKER_01 (07:04):
I would say there is a lot of assumptions.
There are a lot of differentangles how people look at that,
depending on their upbringing,depending on their parents, and
whether they did create thisfeeling of sexual shame for them
moving forward.
Then there are also a lot ofpeople who just don't feel
(07:25):
confident enough, and they thinkthat the toy is something that
is gonna replace them duringsex.
But this is just simply lack ofknowledge because they don't
know about all the toys that youcan actually use during sex.
And plus, you also have a lot ofpeople who had religious
upbringing, right?
(07:46):
And everybody really uhinterprets it differently.
For some people, being religiousand being faithful goes well
together with the fact that youwant to improve your sex life,
you want to live with yourpartner for longer.
And for some people, it createsthis feeling of shame,
(08:07):
frustration, and sometimespeople just can't even say the
word sex.
So for for some couples, itwould take watching porn
together and see what they bothlike.
For some couples, it will takegoing to therapists and then
writing things on a piece ofpaper and giving to each other
(08:27):
to really dive into whatfantasies they have because they
just can't even communicatethat.
So, and again, the lack ofgeneral knowledge and
understanding of how our bodieswork, because not every
erogenous zone can be stimulatedwith fingers or the penis, just
(08:50):
these simple things that a lotof men, for example, think that
around process for women is verysimilar to a rouse process for
penis owners.
All of those things combinedtogether, of course, lead to
hesitation in some cases, andplus it really varies from
(09:12):
country to country, from fromyour family and upbringing, like
what is your what is yourrelationship with sex, let me
put it this way.
SPEAKER_00 (09:23):
Right.
So, I mean what it just kind ofsum up what you're saying, there
are a lot of myths.
The myths that a toy is going toreplace this in particular penis
owners and their the the worthof their penis, there's purity
culture that makes people feelashamed of even having sex for
pleasure.
(09:43):
So introducing a toy then makesit really more about pleasure
and orgasm and play thanprocreation.
And so, and then the just notunderstanding how especially
women's arousal takes place asopposed to a penis owner, and
(10:04):
that of course, toys can helpfacilitate that happening faster
and in more ways than one.
SPEAKER_01 (10:12):
But I would say, apart from that, it's just like
it's general insecurity, it'sfear of being judged, because
sometimes people who do havesome kinks or fantasies that are
that seem to them to be notnormal.
However, I don't believe thatthere is a term normal when it
(10:33):
comes to sex, because it it willrise from person to person.
So, yeah, it's a lot ofdifferent factors, it's a fear
of rejection if you if you areplanning to bring it up for the
first time and you really don'tknow what's your partner's take
on that.
And of course, just lack ofcommunication because a lot of
couples, after 10 yearstogether, they get to the point
(10:56):
that they just watch TVtogether.
They don't even talk.
It's not even about sex, youknow, it's just it's so sex and
relationship and quality of yourrelationship, quality of your
communication are interconnectedbetween each other, and there is
nothing we can do about it.
It's just all these blocks thatwe have, and we have to free
from them, you know.
(11:16):
So it has to some personalgrowth and development have to
have to happen sometimes toempower sexually and to actually
say it out loud what it is thatyou want.
SPEAKER_00 (11:28):
Right.
So, how do we help men inparticular?
Because I I think we see thisprimarily in the straight cis
heterosexual male cohort, wherethat they're more opposed to
toys than I would say they'rebisexual and gay male peers, or
(11:52):
even women.
So, how do we help those men uhsee toys as a tool as opposed to
a threat?
SPEAKER_01 (12:04):
I would say, first of all, about the difference,
right?
Why it's more accepted amongLGBTQ members is because, first
of all, they already had to freethemselves sexually, right, to
admit that they are differentthan heterosexual people.
They are different from whattheir parents expected them to
(12:26):
be.
So it's easier for them to trynew things and to explore.
When it comes to a heterosexualman, especially these days when
we have a trend for masculinity,right, for showing your power,
showing your strengths, and nowlike women have to fight for
their place in society again.
(12:48):
Unfortunately, this is happeningbecause the history has its
cycles.
So if we are talking about menlike this, it really depends on
where they are on the spectrum,right?
So, and what is their goal here?
If they are so insecure thatthey get inspired by masculinity
(13:08):
and ideas behind that, then itwill take more work, right?
If it's just a man that just hasnever simply tried or just
doesn't know enough, then it'sgonna be an easier journey to
get there.
So, first of all, I think it'sall about how we approach this
topic, right?
(13:29):
It should never feel like anobligation or like forcing
somebody to do something theydon't like.
And sex should never feel likeobligation in general, with toys
or without toys.
Because if that's happening,then something is off between
you two, and maybe that's thenmaybe you should revisit whether
that's your person in general.
(13:51):
So I would say it's all aboutfirst of all, how we communicate
this, and we explain that thisis not something to replace,
this is something to enjoytogether, right?
So then we also have to educatepeople because people who are
hesitant again they lackknowledge, and there are so many
(14:12):
resources.
For example, your podcast or mysex education, or all of the sex
education work that is beingdone every single day, and that
explains exactly why it's worthincorporating, for example,
clitoral stimulation, or why itmakes sense to use a cochlean if
you are the one who cannot lastlonger in bed and you have a
(14:36):
problem with prematureejaculation.
So, first of all, they need tounderstand why these toys are
built the way they built, andwhat problems or what issues
with intimacy they address andhow it can benefit them.
From there, we start exploringtogether, right?
So you have couples going tovacation, going somewhere, I
(15:01):
don't know, out of towntogether.
Why?
To create this mutualexperience, right?
To create this experience thatyou can then watch the pictures
and remember how good it felt,you can do the same with sex.
And again, it's all about addingmore ingredients.
And then also it's aboutcommunication about your needs
(15:27):
as a partner.
So if, for example, we have asituation where he takes on
average five minutes to climaxfrom penetrative sex, and for
you it's 15 minutes.
This is average for for men andwomen around the globe.
And then you have this orgasmgap, right?
So he does finish, but youdon't.
(15:50):
And until you really open upabout it, until you stop faking
orgasms, he cannot guess.
The men are very straightforwardin terms of like you should not
expect them to figure it out ontheir own.
You have to be open and trustthem enough.
Trust that they will not judge,trust that they will understand,
(16:14):
and again, I think it's about,you know, like in any other
communication or argument, it'sabout like how many valid
reasons you have to do that,right?
So then we introduce them, theexperience was tool.
If it's like something that ismore fun for both of you, we can
ease into that.
For example, you can start withwatching porn together and see
(16:37):
what really turns him on.
Because a lot of women, they areso surprised when they find what
their partner watches onlinebecause they have never
discussed that, even thoughthey've been together for many
years.
So, yeah, all of these thingsare very common, and this has to
be a shared experience that theyenjoy.
Once they get on this ride, theymight get even more excited than
(17:01):
you.
You don't know, right?
But for example, how do we easeinto that?
Of course, we don't want tostart, you know, with toys for
feasting or anything like that,or chastity belts if you are not
into kink and BDSM.
But if you start with somethingthat just makes sense to use
during sex, it can be a bullet,or it can be a wearable vibrator
(17:27):
like this one, or it can besomething that actually closes
orgasm gap.
I will dive into this topiclater, but basically, yeah, what
happens is you just graduallybuild your way up, right?
You can start with something assimple as just adding a
(17:47):
lubricant.
If you know that you get drydown there and this is not an
issue with you or with yourvagina, it's just simply your
body needs more time to get onthe same page as mine, right?
First you add the lubricant,then you add lubricant, for
example, with some flavor, sothat you can actually also enjoy
(18:09):
giving oral and it tastes like adessert, like I don't know,
cappuccino or chocolate orwhatever it can be.
And from there you maybe add alittle tiny vibrator.
Maybe it will be a cook ringwith a clitoral stimulation, or
it will be something moreadvanced, but again, it's all
about communication anddialogue.
If you cannot communicate aboutthis, then there are issues in
(18:32):
other areas of your life andrelationship as well.
But the most importantly, theyshould not be threatened.
My very first job at the AdultStore when I was 18 years old,
because as I said, I knew thatit was my calling from the
beginning of times.
There were so many men that wereso hesitant to buy anything
(18:53):
because they simply would say,then you will not need me
anymore, you know?
So this is this is a stigma thatwe need to break because the toy
will not replace, the toy willenhance, the toy will improve
your experience, the toy willopen up new horizons of
(19:14):
pleasure, but it will neverreplace your penis.
And this is the message thatevery woman out there who has
difficulty communicating thiswith their partner should
deliver.
SPEAKER_00 (19:25):
Right.
And and I think it's interestingyou say that because, first of
all, I think it's very true.
Toys are wonderful and peopleuse them.
And even in lesbianrelationships with woman on
woman sex, what toys neverreplace is that human contact,
that skin-to-skin element,right?
(19:46):
It can enhance and arouse you tothe point that you're more
sensitive and you can reallyenjoy, whether it's a finger or
a tongue or a penis inside ofyou, it can enhance that
experience.
But what toys just don't everreally replace is that human
contact that throws you over theedge, right?
(20:08):
And that gives you a differenttype of intimacy, like that sort
of like it's like the luxuryintimacy experiences with
another human, but it can primeyou to really be able to enjoy
that penetrative sex with a bodypart, another person's body
(20:29):
part, whether that's a penis orfingers, so on and so forth.
So, what I would like you totell my listeners right now is
can you give them an example,maybe a line or two?
What could they say to theirpartner if they were wanting to
bring up introducing toys intoforeplay?
(20:52):
Can you give them just a coupleof lines or a couple of options
of things to sit down and say totheir partner to open up the
subject?
SPEAKER_01 (21:02):
Yes, but before we get into that, also the
difference between the usingtoys and having sex with a real
person is energy exchange.
You don't have this energyexchange with a toy.
I mean, you have just mechanicalgetting you off, yes, it is very
likely to happen with a toy, buton an energetic level, nothing
(21:23):
is really happening, so that'swhy it's not comparable.
So about how to actuallyintroduce it, I would say make
it sound like a playful fantasy.
Don't just come back from workand say, okay, let's try this
tonight, right?
First of all, you can just getsomething yourself and just show
(21:46):
them during the process how itmakes you feel.
Or you can tell them, oh, youknow, like I read this, I don't
know, in Cosmopolitan, or Iwatched this online, I saw it in
Sex in the City, and it got meso turned on.
Maybe maybe we should try it oneday.
Maybe we can shop for thistogether when you are off,
(22:08):
right?
Or so basically, it should beplayful, it should not be
criticism, right?
You cannot tell them, you knowwhat, I'm not even or I'm not
even climbing soon with myclitoris because you don't know
where it is.
No, you tell them, hey, Iimagine me wearing this and
(22:32):
while you are controlling itfrom your phone in public.
You know, like some that createsa fantasy, creates a visionary
in their brain.
Because for men, it's very easyto get turned on when the
fantasy aspect is involved.
They have to imagine this.
(22:53):
So you have to explain it tothem in a language that will get
them turned on.
It can be a sexy text.
Let's say, hey, I was justsitting at work.
I was thinking, well, how goodit would feel if you penetrate
me virginally while I havesomething inside of my butt.
(23:16):
What do you think about that?
You know, like things like that.
Simple, small, I'd say smallthings like lubricant you can
just buy and just use on him.
He will not even ask because ifyou show him a difference, given
a blowjob with a lubricant orwithout, they will never want to
go back to having a blowjobwithout a lubricant.
(23:39):
Yeah, like it's it's just amatter of trying.
You never know that you likesomething until you try it.
And it applies to everything, toyour professional life, to your
hobbies.
You have to try it.
At least once.
SPEAKER_00 (23:54):
Right, right.
So can we talk about now you'vebrought it up to them and
they're on board?
Let's kind of go through somebeginner-friendly toys that can
be used in foreplay.
Maybe starting at basic, andyou've already named a couple,
obviously, Lube.
You brought up the bullet.
But let's kind of work our rampour way up a little bit.
(24:17):
What are the possibilities?
Starting points and then dream.
What are we gonna ramp up to?
SPEAKER_01 (24:25):
Okay, so first let me explain about the importance
of foreplay for having a youknow successful mutual
experience, a simultaneousorgasm, maybe even.
So the arousal process for menand women is very different,
right?
So we have the arousal, we haveplateau, and then we have orgasm
(24:47):
and resolution.
So the stages are the same inpenis owners and vulgo owners.
However, for women, this arousalprocess is very different.
Because for women, it's aresponsive design, basically,
because of our anatomy.
So we respond to stimulation.
(25:08):
Men can get heard at any pointof time if they just have a
little thought, or they justwake up with the morning wood.
This does not happen for women.
So the reason for that is thatour anatomy is different, and
for men, engaging in a quickie,in quick sex, is more common and
(25:32):
more realistic than, forexample, for women without
proper tools or without spendingenough time on foreplay.
Why?
Because for women, it takes timeto get body on the same page as
mine.
So, what do I mean by that?
For women, this around stage canlast anywhere from 10 to 20
(25:54):
minutes.
Men can get into sex like rightaway, right?
So they can lose erection fast,or then it can come back.
But for women, just to get tothe around stage, it does take
longer.
Now, without natural vaginallubrication, there is nothing
really you can enjoy whilehaving partner sex.
(26:16):
So that's why, first of all,about lubrication, this is not
your fault, and this is not alack of the desire from the on
the women's side.
It's just simply other factorsthat can affect your ability to
produce vaginal liquid.
Let's say if you are on birthcontrol, if you are dehydrated,
(26:38):
if you simply had alcoholearlier today, as a result, you
you become dehydrated.
So, or maybe you are just notrelaxed enough, maybe you are
just emotionally somewhere else,because for women the emotional
component is very important,it's not just about physical
stimulation, so which means thatwe have to spend at least 15 to
(27:03):
20 minutes to start this arousalprocess, right?
If we need to, we also can addsome lubricant to it.
Then, how do we start thisarousal process and what it
really depends on?
First of all, clitoralstimulation.
(27:24):
This is so crucial because somany men still believe that
clitoris is just this tinybutton, just the hood of it, but
it's actually four inches long,and there are internal parts
that you don't see, but theystill have to be stimulated.
And your ability to experienceG-spot orgasm is also
interconnected with clitoralstimulation.
(27:47):
So, to get this process going,first you want to spend enough
time stimulating clitoris.
Unfortunately, not all men aremasters and quinilingus, and
some of them refuse refusegiving it in general, and that's
where the toys come in.
(28:08):
Because this is so simple, andit will make this experience so
much more pleasurable for bothof you if you don't have to you
know sit there and wait until itgets on the same page and you
can just add a toy to it.
So I would say any vibratingproduct that can be applied to
(28:31):
the clitoris will stimulate theblood flow to genital area to
your pelvic floor, which willmake you more sensitive to
stimulation, which will, by theend of the day, make your blood
vessels expand and the arousalwill begin.
So if we are talking about thetoys that are multifunctional,
(28:52):
let's say like any vibrator likethis, if you apply it to the
clitoris, your arousal processcan take a way less time and
effort, right?
And you can do other things atthe same time.
You can enjoy oral sex or givenmassages, whatever it is.
SPEAKER_00 (29:11):
Then you can also make a a note, a note to my
listeners who are only on myaudio podcast.
If you want to head over to myYouTube channel at
TalkSexWithanet, you can seedifferent toys that she is
holding up.
Of course, we'll try to describethem as she's holding them up,
but you can actually see them ifyou head over there to at
(29:31):
TalkSexwithanet.
SPEAKER_01 (29:34):
The ones that I'm showing right now are actually
interactive, so you can alsocontrol them from your phone.
So this is Kira, the pioneer ininteractive toys.
So, but the shapes like this,like any mini vibrator, can be
applied to the clitoris duringforeplay, and it will it makes
total sense to try it.
So the egg like this, forexample, you can use it
(29:57):
externally on the clitoris, oryou can use it.
That's a wearable vibrator.
Go somewhere out in the publicand let your partner control
your pleasure from their phone.
It is a very exciting way toplay.
Or it can be even like somethingsimple as a bullet, but I would
prefer something that is made ofsilicone and where you can play
(30:18):
with the different settings andfrequences.
Also, I would highly suggest toconsider some more advanced
couple devices.
For example, something likethis.
So this is the part of Luxus,and it's called LuxHeart.
So this is the brand newtechnology for couples that aims
(30:41):
to close this orgasm gap that weall are talking about.
So what it does, this smartpleasure system, makes partners
climax simultaneously, becausewe all know we all know by now
that for man it takes longer,right?
So he wears the ring on a peniswhen it's already erect, right?
(31:01):
So he wears before penetrativesex.
And she has this clitoral vibeon a clitoris before sex and
during also.
It will totally work.
And what happens here is when hetrusts faster, this activates
(31:22):
glital part so that vulva ownercan catch up and achieve orgasm
at the same time.
Because obviously, right.
SPEAKER_00 (31:31):
For my listeners, this is a toy that aware of so
some really fun toys tointroduce into your foreplay are
couples toys, as she hasmentioned.
Now there are all differenttypes, as she mentioned, the
wearable like eggs that can beactivated by the by the foam.
But if you go to my YouTubechannel now, she'll see there's
(31:51):
also a new product out wherethere's a wearable clitoral
piece that actually you can justput on your clit and wear around
and activate.
And it pairs with a cock ringand that your partner wears and
they talk to each other.
So this helps close the orgasmgap in that during sex, and even
(32:13):
when you're not having sex, onethat the cock ring turns on the
clitoral piece, the clitoralpiece starts vibrating,
obviously getting her excitedbased on his movements.
So it also helps kind of bringyou together.
So you're getting that pleasuretogether.
So this isn't just foreplay.
This is actually a toy that'salso can be used during sex,
(32:35):
right?
And the I think the kind of coolthing about this type of system,
which is newer, folks.
So this is kind of a newersystem, is that it doesn't
replace the penis at all.
In fact, it doesn't work withoutthe penis if that is your
partner's concern, right?
You gotta have the cock in orderto get half of this toy to light
(32:56):
up your half.
So that's that's a fun new pieceas well, correct?
And you can go to my YouTubechannel and actually see the two
separate parts.
There's a like a little teardropclitoral piece that goes right
over your clit, and there's alittle cock green, a little,
it's expandable.
It's also for big boys.
It's also for big boys.
(33:18):
All the sizes.
And it's that big, it'll tellyou.
Gotta be careful, gotta becareful when you're talking
about about cock toys, callingthem little.
So there are a variety of typesof of these toys that, you know,
I think obviously this would bea little bit more of a more
advanced system for someone touse.
(33:39):
But starting with like thatbullet, like you said, and like
earlier, she had just held upkind of a typical, I say
typical, but I know for peoplewho haven't been using toys,
none of this is typical, but avibrator that can reach the clit
that you can either use onyourself while you're playing
with your partner or they canuse on you.
But I think I like the idea ofthese couples' toys where either
(34:05):
you're wearing something thatyour partner is controlling.
I like those in particular forforepore foreplay because you
can take foreplay out of thehouse.
You can like even if you're justin your car and you're
stimulating your partner.
This is truly a part of speakingto a woman's arousal system,
(34:25):
which is that foreplay startingbefore you even get in bed.
And these toys allow you tostart playing.
The idea of playing with eachother before your clothes are
off, before you're just gettingnaked and pushing, you know, the
penis in, that's that really cankill sex drive and interest.
But this is like arousal, thisis anticipation, bringing
(34:49):
anticipation into sex by usingtoys like that.
And then, of course, you got thecoup de gras, which is a toy
that actually helps you duringsex close that orgasm gap and
provides pleasure to bothpeople's, you know, most
important parts, the clitorisand of course the cock, right?
SPEAKER_01 (35:08):
Yes, absolutely.
And this piece you can use itduring foreplay, just like
wearing this, like a harness orvibrating butterfly.
You don't have to combine itwith a ring, but it makes total
sense to do so.
Because again, there is a 30%orgasm gap, and this ring tells
clitoral apart when he's aboutto climax.
(35:28):
So when I first found out aboutthis technology, I was so amazed
by the fact that finallysomebody decided to close the
orgasm gap with the help oftechnology, because technology
is in every part of our lives,you know, sex is the exemption
for sure.
And yeah, so if you are notready to use something during
(35:50):
sex, things like, for example,wounds.
There are many different woundson the market, and some of them
you can only use externally,some of them you can insert,
like this one, for example.
But the wounds usually do havean immerse power, and whether
you need to stimulate your neckto relieve pain, or your back,
(36:12):
or perineum, or clitoris, ornipples, all of that can be
accomplished with just one typeof product that is wound
vibrator.
And yeah, I mean, there are somany different things that you
can implement when it comes notjust to toys, but also some
intimate cosmetics, for example.
(36:33):
I really get turned on from theidea of using the massage
candles during foreplay, right?
SPEAKER_00 (36:39):
I love massage candles.
If you, folks, actually, I thinkit's fair to say that that's a
great entry-level product.
The idea of using a massagecandle, and there are so many
good ones out there that notonly smell good, but feel so
good on the skin.
And I think many of them workbetter than massage oils.
(37:00):
I would argue that.
And that's a great entry-levelproduct.
And again, this brings in likebuilding the anticipation, it's
that skin-on-skin contact andsomething to enhance it.
It's a great example ofenhancing what you already have,
right?
And and anybody of any gender isgonna be like in for a massage,
(37:24):
especially one that leads to thegenitals, right?
I love that.
SPEAKER_01 (37:28):
And massage candles are good not only because not
only from the perspective ofmassage, but also wax play is
one of the very common fantasiesthat a lot of people just afraid
to try because it does burn theskin when you use the wax
candle.
Massage candles that arespecifically designed for this
(37:52):
purpose, they only contain oiland pheromones, and when they
burn, the oil is not that hotbecause it melts under a
different temperature.
So it's super safe and it's sosexy when you pour it on
yourself like this.
And yes, it's totally combinedwith other toys too.
Or yeah, so depending on what'sthe goal is, like if you want to
(38:12):
be more in the kind of fantasyaspect of things, lingerie, roll
costumes, massage candles,massage oils, then there is also
I just did a review of thisproduct, and there is the
product for your bus that youcan enjoy together in a romantic
setting, and it turns your businto a lubricant.
(38:34):
So you basically you are coveredin lubricant and you are taking
this bus with your partner.
It's an amazing sensoryexperience.
And you know, even the smallthings, for example, blindfold,
right?
You blindfold your partner, andthen let's say you are using, I
don't know, something like thisor other masturbator on them.
SPEAKER_00 (38:57):
Pull out just for my listeners, she's kind of pulling
out masturbators.
So here's a good point as wellthat we have not mentioned yet,
which is kind of funny.
That they're also toys for men.
And I can tell you from mypersonal experience, using toys,
I've gotten different types ofmasturbators, also I would call
blowjob enhancers, but take thework off me and add sensation to
(39:22):
the cock.
Toys are also for men.
Toys also enhance a man'sexperience.
And I, as a woman, never feellike I'm being replaced by a toy
I'm using to help me give abetter blowjob.
Do I feel like I'm I'm lessvaluable in the process?
(39:42):
No, I just feel like I get torest a little bit more and give
you more pleasure with an, youknow, adding in a masturbator or
a vibrator on the cock.
So, and I think it's somethingthat's becoming more well known,
at least, is that there are alot of toys to enhance his
pleasure.
So, a suggestion I would give isif you are going to bring up
(40:04):
toys with your partner, ifyou're especially a Volva owner
or a woman doing this, bring upthe idea of toys to use on him
as well.
So it doesn't just sound likeyou're not good enough.
I want to use toys.
It could be like, oh, I want totry using this on your cock, or
I want to try using, you know,this on whatever body part,
(40:28):
maybe if you're trying to like,you know, get a little anal play
in there too.
Make it about his pleasure aswell.
SPEAKER_01 (40:36):
Yes, that is a very good idea.
If he is open to that, or evenif he is not, you know, because
for some men, I don't know,buying realistic pussy might
feel a little bit offensive oreven more insecure.
But if it's something that youcan use during blowjob, let's
(40:57):
say it's a popping candy thatyou put in your mouth and pops
in your mouth together with thepenis, or if he if he has this
blindfold on his eyes and youare giving him a hand job with
the egg like this, or with ahandheld, a handheld
masturbator, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (41:15):
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (41:16):
So this for sure will I say open up his sensors
more and will make him more opento the idea of trying more
things, you know, adding moreingredients.
And also there are some toysthat you can use in sync with
each other, right?
SPEAKER_00 (41:36):
So let's say if you have this and he has this, you
can even explain what you'reholding up for my listeners?
SPEAKER_01 (41:46):
So this one is the automated interactive male
stroker that provides 240strokes per minute.
But the point is that apart fromusing solar, you can also sync
it to a vibrator on a longdistance.
So let's say if you are engagingin foreplay and you are watching
(42:08):
a porn video together, wheneveryou do trust in and out of
vagina, it transfers the signalto the stroker and makes it go
on the same exact pace, and viceversa.
So yeah, I mean there are somany different things that you
can implement, but it reallydepends on what is more
appealing.
Uh, because for some people itwill be just handcuffs, for some
(42:30):
people it will be just using acrop with this blindfold, and
for some people it will be likeyou know, empowered devices or
interactive or ep-controlled.
But as long as you are ready tostart and see where this journey
takes you.
SPEAKER_00 (42:47):
Right.
So start simple, folks.
You you may not jump to thesynced vibrating stroker and
dildo, although I'm definitelyready for that.
Especially if you have a partnerwho's timid about it, it's start
small, right?
Start with the vibrators, startwith the massage candles.
And then once you integrate theminto your sex life and you get
(43:10):
used to, and remember, practicemakes perfect.
The first time you use a sex toywith someone, it may not go
seamlessly.
It may be funny, awkward, slipout, sound weird, but that's
part of the playfulness of sex,right?
Getting to navigate thattogether.
And the more you do it, thebetter it gets.
(43:31):
Practice makes perfect.
And when you find a toy that youreally get good at, then you can
look at the next level.
Okay, what do we want to trynow?
But I think the trick really is,and I think you'd agree, is
opening the door, getting thatfirst toy in there.
Start getting the products inthere and making sex an
experience, enhancing it, right?
(43:51):
Like enhancing it as you said,adding more to it so that it
doesn't feel like work.
It feels like play, it feelslike an adventure, it feels like
a vacation, a mini vacationyou're taking together.
SPEAKER_01 (44:04):
Yeah, absolutely.
Just think about that.
Like when you are cooking, forexample, right?
And you have a chicken breastand it's dry.
It's dry, it's just like justthe chicken breast, and you
don't use anything else.
It's dry, it does not have anyflavor.
Why wouldn't you add some sauceto it?
Why wouldn't you add some spicesto it, right?
(44:25):
So that's the same for partnersex.
When it's your first sex, ofcourse, you might be very
excited and happy and it willfeel perfect.
But after a year, two, three,four, five, sex also becomes
some.
No, I I don't want to call itwork, but it requires some
effort from both sides to keepit interesting, to keep it
(44:48):
sexual.
Creativity.
Yeah, creativity because sexualenergy is actually it's a
creative energy.
So if you if you are afraid tobe creative and bad, uh there is
a victims you are afraid ofbeing creative in other areas of
your life too.
SPEAKER_00 (45:05):
So yeah.
No one wants that.
Right.
Thank you so much, listeners.
I think you have a lot of ideashere.
She's giving you some scripts toopen the idea of bringing sex
toys into the bedroom.
You have a lot ofbeginner-friendly ideas.
We definitely gave you someadvanced ideas.
And hey, you know, there aresome people who like to just
(45:29):
like go in go.
If you're gonna go in, go inhard, you can go straight to
advance and figure it out.
But I feel like you've got sortof a good go package for tonight
if you want to bring this upwith your partner.
If you are one of my manylisteners who has reached out
and said, my partner justdoesn't desire me.
(45:50):
My partner, you know, I'm tryingto do the things for her, but
she just doesn't want to havesex.
Maybe go to her tonight and say,Hey, how would you like to play
with a toy or buy a toy with metonight?
How would you like to just try,you know, maybe bring it up to
her, have her listen to thispodcast with you.
(46:10):
She might get excited aboutthat.
So it's just, it's just an idea.
Start getting creative, addingredients to that dried
chicken.
Maybe she's sick of driedchicken.
Maybe she wants some chickenwith sauce and spices.
Exactly.
And and Key will love it morewith spices and a sauce too, you
know?
Right.
Yes, absolutely.
(46:31):
Thank you so much.
Will you do me a favor and takea moment to tell my listeners
where they can find you if theywant to find out more about you
and what you offer?
SPEAKER_01 (46:40):
Thank you so much for for your time.
And thank you so much for thisstimulating conversation.
And for listeners who would liketo continue their sexual
exploration and sex education,please check out my YouTube
channel, Inbed with Skate.
Also, you can find Inbed withSkate on Patreon, Vimeo, Rumble,
(47:03):
and everywhere else, becauseYouTube recently deleted my
channel, but I did prove themthat sex education is not
obscene, and this is just a partof our human nature.
So, yes, now you can find it onYouTube as well.
And I'm so happy to share thiswith you.
And of course, there are so manyother things that I would like
(47:25):
to share, but we have limitedtime.
So it's all about making thisfirst step towards satisfying
and sexually fulfillingexperience.
And again, if there is an themeassociated with this, please try
to dive into where it's comingfrom and don't judge until you
(47:46):
try.
And I wish you a wonderful andexciting sex life.
And if it's not like that rightnow, it's all in your hands to
make it a different experiencefor yourself and your partner.
Don't get settled with whatever.
SPEAKER_00 (48:03):
And you do deserve better sex.
Thank you so much.
So, listeners, this has been agreat intro into how to use sex
toys.
Well, mostly for for for play,but also for better sex.
So I'm hoping that all of you goout and give it a try.
If you have any questions orcomments, especially on this
(48:25):
video or this topic, make sureto make your way over to my
YouTube channel at TalkSexwithinet.
You can drop a comment below thevideo or a question.
And so I know exactly whatyou're referring to.
You can also reach out to medirectly at Annette at TalkSex
withinet and email me or scrolldown to the comment section in
this video.
And there is a speak pipe.
(48:45):
You can send me a voicemail.
I would love to talk to you andanswer all of your questions.
Thank you so much for joiningme, Kate.
I really appreciate it.
Thank you.
And so cheers to sex andforeplay and toys.
Lots of toys.
And until next time, listeners,I'll see you in the locker room.
(49:06):
Cheers.
Cheers.
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