April 19, 2024 • 13 mins
Shatter the chains of unforgiveness and discover liberation on the other side of resentment. In this episode, I'll reveal the truth behind six myths surrounding forgiveness that often serve as barriers on the road to alcohol freedom.
We'll unpack why forgiving is not a sign of weakness, nor does it pave the way for future harm. This episode promises to peel away the layers of misunderstanding that equate forgiveness with approval of wrongdoings, reaffirming that true forgiveness is an act of strength that empowers personal healing without necessitating reconciliation or erasing memories.
Embark on a sacred journey as we harness the transformative energy of forgiveness through prayer, setting the stage for deep, personal healing.
Here's a link to Fr. Mike Schmitz's Divine Mercy Sunday Homily: "Our Greatest Wound" that I reference in this episode. https://youtu.be/Xqt4o-T4EGQ?si=jcXM4oRbyg9f3Rc4
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to the Catholic Sobriety Podcast
Minisode.
These shorter episodes providequick tips and information that
you can refer back to when youneed it most so you can achieve
and maintain your desired levelof sobriety.
I am your sobriety coach andhost of this podcast, christi
Walker.
Let's get started.
(00:23):
Christi Walker, let's getstarted.
In today's mini-sode, I'm goingto bust six myths related to
forgiveness.
Now I'm doing this shorterepisode on these myths or lies
that many of us believe aboutforgiveness in preparation for a
longer episode that will comeout following this one.
(00:46):
And what prompted me to do thisepisode is it's actually a few
things.
So the first thing is that onSunday nights, before my family
and I pray our family rosary, welike to listen.
Well, actually, we watch it onYouTube Father Mike Schmitz's
homilies.
We like to listen to him.
(01:07):
He always has some great wisdom.
Everyone in our family, from myhusband and I all the way down
to our youngest, we reallyappreciate his insight, his
humor, his wisdom and all of thethings that he teaches.
Well, on Divine Mercy Sunday,he gave just a powerful,
incredible homily that reallytouched me and it has stuck with
(01:31):
me for the weeks following, andI will go ahead and leave a
link to that in the show notesbelow, because if you are
hopefully going to listen to mynext episode, then you might
want to go ahead and watch thatahead of time Because I'll be
referencing it a little bit.
But the main point of thathomily was on justice and mercy.
(01:57):
That stuck out to me and hetalked about at great lengths is
that our greatest wound is awound of distrust, and this goes
all the way back to the Gardenof Eden and after I listened to
his talk and then I'm actually astudent at Encounter School of
(02:23):
Ministry and we are in our innerhealing course, so a lot of the
topics of forgiveness andhealing and trauma are really
coming up a lot for me.
I'm also doing in my Bible studywe do at my parish.
(02:44):
We've done Walking with Purpose, the Walking with Purpose Bible
studies for years.
I think this is our eighth yearand we are working through one
called Fearless and Free andhonestly, fearless and Free is
one that I have kind of beenpushing off for a long time
because it's very deeplyreflective and I'm actually
(03:09):
really loving it and I wish thatI hadn't have put it off for so
long.
But I do see that I probablyput it off, because now is the
perfect time.
God is just like putting thingsin front of me over and over
again that are just likeconnecting dots and just helping
me help all of you.
(03:30):
And so today's episode MinnesotaI wanted to share some of the
lies that we believe believeabout forgiveness, because
unforgiveness is a barrier.
Unforgiveness keeps us stuckand unforgiveness it just
(03:52):
perpetuates even more distrustin others, ourselves and even
with our relationship with God.
So I want to go over that today, and then in my next episode I
will talk more about the woundof distrust, how certain types
(04:14):
of trauma can cause that andwhat we can do about it, how we
can go about healing that sothat we can get unstuck and move
forward with life and wantingto be the people that God
created us to be, and it'll helpus grow closer to God.
(04:36):
And when we can trust God more,then we are far less likely to
turn to things of this world,like alcohol or scrolling or
shopping or whatever, to fill avoid within us.
Okay, so let's get to it.
So one of the myths aboutforgiveness is that often we
(05:01):
think that forgiveness meanslowering my defenses and opening
myself up to being hurt again.
But here's the truth Forgivingdoesn't require you to sacrifice
your boundaries.
You need to keep healthyboundaries in place and it's not
(05:27):
about inviting harm back inyour life.
Forgiveness is purely an act ofthe will.
It's not an emotion.
It is a choice.
You're taking an action toforgive, but you are in no way
(05:49):
asked to lower defenses in sucha way that it could cause harm
to you in the future.
So if you have set healthyboundaries for someone who has
harmed you in the past, you canstill maintain those and should
maintain those, but you canstill forgive.
(06:10):
Another myth is that we thinkthat if we forgive, it means
that we are condoning whathappened to us.
We are saying it's okay.
But forgiveness is not aboutthat.
It is in no way excusing thewrongdoing of the person who
(06:32):
wronged you.
Instead, forgiveness is aboutletting go of that resentment.
It's a path to inner healingand it's not about approving or
disapproving what happened.
Forgiveness doesn't meanforgetting.
Forgiveness just means that weare saying we are not going to
(06:54):
keep bringing up that offenseand playing around with it in
our minds.
We're not going to keeprehashing it over and over again
, but it's not saying in any waythat it's okay, because it's
not.
Another myth is that forgivenessmeans that you have to
(07:17):
reconcile with the person thatharmed you.
Forgiveness and reconciliationare two very, very different
things.
Now, reconciliation is when arelationship is restored, and
sometimes that just isn'tpossible, because sometimes the
(07:40):
person that you need to forgiveisn't even alive, or you may not
have contact with them, or youshouldn't have contact with them
, and sometimes it's just nothealthy.
I think it's also important tonote here that to forgive isn't
about having the other personadmit or accept that they were
(08:03):
wrong.
So when you are forgivingsomeone, you may not even go to
them and tell them this issomething that you are doing for
your healing, your healing.
It may not be possible or evengood for you to go to that
person and say like I forgiveyou, because what you don't need
(08:31):
is to say you forgive them, layyour heart on the line and then
have them say I don't need yourforgiveness, or forgive me for
what or whatever.
I don't need your forgivenessor forgive me for what or
whatever.
Remember what I said at thebeginning Forgiveness is for the
forgiver.
You are doing this for you.
You are releasing it so thatyou will not continue to think
(08:53):
about it and think about all thethings you could have done or
should have done, or should havesaid or would have said, and
you don't just keep replayingthat offense over and over again
in your mind.
The next lie or myth aboutforgiveness is forgiveness that
you need to feel like forgivingin order to forgive.
So I stated this earlier, thatforgiveness is not a feeling,
(09:20):
it's not an emotion, so youdon't have to feel like
forgiving in order to forgive.
Forgiveness is an act of thewill, it is a action, it's a
choice.
And then the next one is thatyou must have hard feelings
toward the person who hurt youin order to forgive them.
(09:43):
And this isn't necessary either, because you may have, on some
level, forgiven them, maybe,maybe your relationship is
restored, but there is someforgiveness that needs to happen
because you've been pushing itaside or you haven't really
dealt with it and all of asudden it's surfacing, and in
(10:06):
that surfacing it's keeping youstuck.
So you can forgive, evenwithout harboring anger, because
it's about your healing, it'snot about the intensity of your
emotions.
Now what if you have forgivenbut it still keeps coming up?
(10:27):
And the answer here is that youjust have to keep forgiving.
So if it comes up and it'sbothering you, then you need to
forgive again and put it to rest.
And then if it comes up andit's causing chaos, it's causing
you to feel stuck or have hurtemotions, then you need to
(10:49):
forgive again.
Then you need to forgive again.
Sometimes forgiveness is alifelong process and sometimes
we'll forgive something and thenwe'll realize that something
else came up, and so then weneed to forgive again.
So, before I close, I just wantto leave you with one little
thing, because I'm sure you'relike okay, well, how can I
forgive what would be the bestway?
(11:11):
Something I've learned is thatif we forgive in the name of
Jesus, because he is so mercifuland he pours out his infinite
mercy upon us, so if we can callhim into this forgiveness with
us, if he just picture himstanding with you, you're not
(11:34):
alone.
He is standing with you, rightnext to you, helping you as you
do this very hard thing.
And so when someone comes tomind or a situation comes to
mind that you need to forgive,you might want to say something
like this you can say it howeveryou want, in whatever way you
(11:56):
want, but I find this method tobe simple, easy to remember and
very effective.
So you say, in the name ofJesus, I forgive and the
person's name for, and thenwhatever they did to you and I
(12:19):
release the person from allanger and bitterness in Jesus's
name.
And if you can speak this outloud, that is going to really be
the most impactful for you.
So just prayerfully forgive,bring Jesus into the situation
(12:45):
with you, and it will be abeautiful healing experience.
Well, that wraps up today'sepisode of the Catholic Sobriety
Minisode.
Thank you so much for joiningme and please be sure to
subscribe to this podcast so youdon't miss a thing.
And remember I am here for you,I am praying for you.
You are not alone.
Welcome to the Catholic Sobriety Podcast
Minisode.
These shorter episodes providequick tips and information that
you can refer back to when youneed it most so you can achieve
and maintain your desired levelof sobriety.
I am your sobriety coach andhost of this podcast, christi
Walker.
Let's get started.
(00:23):
Christi Walker, let's getstarted.
In today's mini-sode, I'm goingto bust six myths related to
forgiveness.
Now I'm doing this shorterepisode on these myths or lies
that many of us believe aboutforgiveness in preparation for a
longer episode that will comeout following this one.
(00:46):
And what prompted me to do thisepisode is it's actually a few
things.
So the first thing is that onSunday nights, before my family
and I pray our family rosary, welike to listen.
Well, actually, we watch it onYouTube Father Mike Schmitz's
homilies.
We like to listen to him.
(01:07):
He always has some great wisdom.
Everyone in our family, from myhusband and I all the way down
to our youngest, we reallyappreciate his insight, his
humor, his wisdom and all of thethings that he teaches.
Well, on Divine Mercy Sunday,he gave just a powerful,
incredible homily that reallytouched me and it has stuck with
(01:31):
me for the weeks following, andI will go ahead and leave a
link to that in the show notesbelow, because if you are
hopefully going to listen to mynext episode, then you might
want to go ahead and watch thatahead of time Because I'll be
referencing it a little bit.
But the main point of thathomily was on justice and mercy.
(01:57):
That stuck out to me and hetalked about at great lengths is
that our greatest wound is awound of distrust, and this goes
all the way back to the Gardenof Eden and after I listened to
his talk and then I'm actually astudent at Encounter School of
(02:23):
Ministry and we are in our innerhealing course, so a lot of the
topics of forgiveness andhealing and trauma are really
coming up a lot for me.
I'm also doing in my Bible studywe do at my parish.
(02:44):
We've done Walking with Purpose, the Walking with Purpose Bible
studies for years.
I think this is our eighth yearand we are working through one
called Fearless and Free andhonestly, fearless and Free is
one that I have kind of beenpushing off for a long time
because it's very deeplyreflective and I'm actually
(03:09):
really loving it and I wish thatI hadn't have put it off for so
long.
But I do see that I probablyput it off, because now is the
perfect time.
God is just like putting thingsin front of me over and over
again that are just likeconnecting dots and just helping
me help all of you.
(03:30):
And so today's episode MinnesotaI wanted to share some of the
lies that we believe believeabout forgiveness, because
unforgiveness is a barrier.
Unforgiveness keeps us stuckand unforgiveness it just
(03:52):
perpetuates even more distrustin others, ourselves and even
with our relationship with God.
So I want to go over that today, and then in my next episode I
will talk more about the woundof distrust, how certain types
(04:14):
of trauma can cause that andwhat we can do about it, how we
can go about healing that sothat we can get unstuck and move
forward with life and wantingto be the people that God
created us to be, and it'll helpus grow closer to God.
(04:36):
And when we can trust God more,then we are far less likely to
turn to things of this world,like alcohol or scrolling or
shopping or whatever, to fill avoid within us.
Okay, so let's get to it.
So one of the myths aboutforgiveness is that often we
(05:01):
think that forgiveness meanslowering my defenses and opening
myself up to being hurt again.
But here's the truth Forgivingdoesn't require you to sacrifice
your boundaries.
You need to keep healthyboundaries in place and it's not
(05:27):
about inviting harm back inyour life.
Forgiveness is purely an act ofthe will.
It's not an emotion.
It is a choice.
You're taking an action toforgive, but you are in no way
(05:49):
asked to lower defenses in sucha way that it could cause harm
to you in the future.
So if you have set healthyboundaries for someone who has
harmed you in the past, you canstill maintain those and should
maintain those, but you canstill forgive.
(06:10):
Another myth is that we thinkthat if we forgive, it means
that we are condoning whathappened to us.
We are saying it's okay.
But forgiveness is not aboutthat.
It is in no way excusing thewrongdoing of the person who
(06:32):
wronged you.
Instead, forgiveness is aboutletting go of that resentment.
It's a path to inner healingand it's not about approving or
disapproving what happened.
Forgiveness doesn't meanforgetting.
Forgiveness just means that weare saying we are not going to
(06:54):
keep bringing up that offenseand playing around with it in
our minds.
We're not going to keeprehashing it over and over again
, but it's not saying in any waythat it's okay, because it's
not.
Another myth is that forgivenessmeans that you have to
(07:17):
reconcile with the person thatharmed you.
Forgiveness and reconciliationare two very, very different
things.
Now, reconciliation is when arelationship is restored, and
sometimes that just isn'tpossible, because sometimes the
(07:40):
person that you need to forgiveisn't even alive, or you may not
have contact with them, or youshouldn't have contact with them
, and sometimes it's just nothealthy.
I think it's also important tonote here that to forgive isn't
about having the other personadmit or accept that they were
(08:03):
wrong.
So when you are forgivingsomeone, you may not even go to
them and tell them this issomething that you are doing for
your healing, your healing.
It may not be possible or evengood for you to go to that
person and say like I forgiveyou, because what you don't need
(08:31):
is to say you forgive them, layyour heart on the line and then
have them say I don't need yourforgiveness, or forgive me for
what or whatever.
I don't need your forgivenessor forgive me for what or
whatever.
Remember what I said at thebeginning Forgiveness is for the
forgiver.
You are doing this for you.
You are releasing it so thatyou will not continue to think
(08:53):
about it and think about all thethings you could have done or
should have done, or should havesaid or would have said, and
you don't just keep replayingthat offense over and over again
in your mind.
The next lie or myth aboutforgiveness is forgiveness that
you need to feel like forgivingin order to forgive.
So I stated this earlier, thatforgiveness is not a feeling,
(09:20):
it's not an emotion, so youdon't have to feel like
forgiving in order to forgive.
Forgiveness is an act of thewill, it is a action, it's a
choice.
And then the next one is thatyou must have hard feelings
toward the person who hurt youin order to forgive them.
(09:43):
And this isn't necessary either, because you may have, on some
level, forgiven them, maybe,maybe your relationship is
restored, but there is someforgiveness that needs to happen
because you've been pushing itaside or you haven't really
dealt with it and all of asudden it's surfacing, and in
(10:06):
that surfacing it's keeping youstuck.
So you can forgive, evenwithout harboring anger, because
it's about your healing, it'snot about the intensity of your
emotions.
Now what if you have forgivenbut it still keeps coming up?
(10:27):
And the answer here is that youjust have to keep forgiving.
So if it comes up and it'sbothering you, then you need to
forgive again and put it to rest.
And then if it comes up andit's causing chaos, it's causing
you to feel stuck or have hurtemotions, then you need to
(10:49):
forgive again.
Then you need to forgive again.
Sometimes forgiveness is alifelong process and sometimes
we'll forgive something and thenwe'll realize that something
else came up, and so then weneed to forgive again.
So, before I close, I just wantto leave you with one little
thing, because I'm sure you'relike okay, well, how can I
forgive what would be the bestway?
(11:11):
Something I've learned is thatif we forgive in the name of
Jesus, because he is so mercifuland he pours out his infinite
mercy upon us, so if we can callhim into this forgiveness with
us, if he just picture himstanding with you, you're not
(11:34):
alone.
He is standing with you, rightnext to you, helping you as you
do this very hard thing.
And so when someone comes tomind or a situation comes to
mind that you need to forgive,you might want to say something
like this you can say it howeveryou want, in whatever way you
(11:56):
want, but I find this method tobe simple, easy to remember and
very effective.
So you say, in the name ofJesus, I forgive and the
person's name for, and thenwhatever they did to you and I
(12:19):
release the person from allanger and bitterness in Jesus's
name.
And if you can speak this outloud, that is going to really be
the most impactful for you.
So just prayerfully forgive,bring Jesus into the situation
(12:45):
with you, and it will be abeautiful healing experience.
Well, that wraps up today'sepisode of the Catholic Sobriety
Minisode.
Thank you so much for joiningme and please be sure to
subscribe to this podcast so youdon't miss a thing.
And remember I am here for you,I am praying for you.
You are not alone.
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