March 12, 2024 • 41 mins
Ever found yourself blindsided by infidelity, left grappling with the aftermath of betrayal in a relationship you believed was your 'happily ever after'?
If so, I totally feel you. That's why in this episode of The Femme Cast, we dive deep into the raw, unfiltered journey of healing from cheating and explore powerful insights on coping with the pain and rebuilding your life through radical self-love.
This episode is for you if:
- You’re currently in a situation where you’re being cheated on and you just have no clue what to do
- You’ve been cheated on in the past and you’re still holding onto a lot of pain and resentment
- You're terrified to let love in for fear of it happening to you again
Join me as I share my personal story, unpacking the signs I missed, the emotional whirlwind, and the transformative lessons that emerged.
If you're a woman who is ready to put the cheating and infidelity in her rear view, and make a massive uplevel in your relationships and life, this episode is for you. Tune in for a cathartic experience that guides you from heartbreak to empowerment, unlocking the secrets to a resilient, love-filled future.
Let's do this.
Are you ready to create a massive uplevel in your life and relationships? If so, use the link below to book your 90-minute Uplevel + Flow Intensive. This is a powerful 90-minute session where we go deep to energetically shift one relationship pattern you are ready to break free from, so you can magnetize more loving and supportive relationships without the chase...just flow!
https://thefemmecast.com/uplevel-and-flow-intensive
Are you ready to begin your heart healing journey today and manifest the love that you desire? If so, use the link below to register for my Uplevel + Flow Meditation Series . A 3 part series designed to help you heal from heartbreak and manifest love you've always wanted, but never thought you would find.
https://thefemmecast.ck.page/meditations
Are you ready to rewrite your love story + glow from the inside out as you become a magnet for the love you've always known you deserved? If so, use the link below to register for my 21 Day Radical Self-Love Challenge.
https://thefemmecast.ck.page/21daychallenge
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey you guys, what is up and welcome back to this
show.
I'm so excited and grateful tohave you here.
We are getting into it today,guys, I gotta tell you, ever
since I've been going onSubstack and sharing my diary
and my thoughts of my personalstories and whatnot, I've really
been getting into the feels andinto the vulnerability.
So hopefully you're here for itI'm assuming you are if you're
(00:20):
listening to this.
So today's episode is all abouthealing from cheating how to
cope with being cheated on in arelationship.
If you're currently in asituation where you're being
cheated on and you just have noclue what to do, or you're just
kind of doing your best that youcan under the circumstances, or
if you've been cheated on inthe past and you're still
(00:41):
holding onto a lot of pain andresentment and you feel like you
still have some residualhealing to do, then this episode
is totally for you.
You're gonna wanna stick aroundbecause I'm gonna be sharing
with you how I experiencedcheating for the first time in
my life.
After eight years, eight or nineyears of being in a
relationship with someone andguys.
(01:04):
I was blindsided, like it was,like it came so out of left
field for me, like I was sonaive, not expecting it, not
anticipating it, like it wasn'teven something that would ever
cross my mind.
It was in my head.
I was living this fairy talelife literally.
(01:24):
And I think you know, leadingup to that moment and I always
hate to say this because I don'twanna shade other women, but I
was never the type to feelthreatened by other women.
(01:46):
Like I was never the type toworry about who he was with, who
he was talking to, what he wasdoing with the guys.
Like if one of the guys wasgetting married and they were
taking the dude out to like apeel pub for his last hurrah,
like I wasn't gonna get up and atizzy over it.
You know what I mean.
Like it's like go do your thing, have a good time, whatever.
(02:07):
I literally thought like thesun rose and set or set and
whatever the saying is with thisperson.
You know.
Like it was.
Like he was my person.
I trusted him with my life.
I never in a million yearswould have questioned whether or
(02:30):
not I could trust him.
Like I trusted himwholeheartedly and literally in
my life.
I thought we were on our way tothe fairy tale, happily ever
after.
Like it just nothing other thanhappily ever after ever even
occurred to me Like there was noalternate ending to the story.
(02:52):
There was only one ending andthe ending was happily ever
after, and I fully believed thatI had hit the jackpot with this
person.
You know, and it was.
We were going through a roughpatch, yes, but I never, ever,
ever, doubted that.
You know, things would work outfor us and I never, ever
(03:15):
doubted that we were happytogether and I never doubted
that.
You know we had each other'sbacks.
You know, through thick andthin, like we were ride or die,
right.
And so you know, after monthsof, you know, probably some
distance between us.
You know we were both dealingwith a lot of stressors.
You know, outside of therelationship and you know the
(03:39):
intimacy had just gone out thewindow, which was never an issue
for us.
And you know, whatever it wasseven, eight or nine years that
we'd been together, there waslike zero anything happening,
right, but still it wasn't a redflag for me and there was all
these other signs and cluesaround that something was going
on.
And, guys, when I tell you, Iwas oblivious to what was
(04:00):
happening, like right under mynose, oblivious, and I think
that part of me held shametowards myself and anger towards
myself that I could have beenso blind, that could have been
so dumb.
Why didn't I see the signs?
How could I have trusted thisperson so deeply, who wounded me
so deeply, right, and it waslike just blindsided, right, and
(04:26):
all the signs were there andthey kept.
And I kept looking at the signs.
I would see the signs.
I remember thinking, huh,that's weird, oh that's weird,
oh that's unusual behavior.
But I didn't think anything ofit because they were such like
insignificant things, right,like it was like little things.
Like you know, all of a suddenhe needs his under underwear.
All of a sudden he's worriedabout his belly fat.
All of a sudden, you know, he'smangroovy or manscaping, when
(04:50):
he never used to do that before.
All of a sudden he's likeobsessive about his breath and
he's constantly chewing gum andit's like all these weird things
that were never.
He was never about coming homelate from work, like
ridiculously late from work,right, and you know always
having a reason to go back towork, especially on a Friday or
Saturday night at around 9o'clock.
(05:10):
Suddenly he gets called intowork Like there was all these
signs and I was clueless.
I was like, okay, bye.
Like when I tell you, deaf,dumb and blind, deaf, dumb and
blind, like I had zero, my radarwasn't even up, like I wasn't
(05:30):
even like, hmm, is somethinghappening that I need to be
concerned about?
Nothing, nothing at all.
So you know, fast forward now.
There was a few months of this.
Then the call came, the callthat actually changed everything
.
I remember it was a Sundaymorning, we were laying in bed.
(05:53):
This chick calls him up andit's all flirty on the phone
with him.
And I could hear her, I couldhear everything she's saying so
clearly and I'm like, oh my God,I can hear the tone in her
voice, I could hear theflirtiness in her voice, I can
(06:15):
hear the little like you knowteasing little, you know
comments that she's making, andI'm like, what the actual fuck?
And so you know, all my spideysenses now are going off Because
I'm hearing the conversation.
I can flat out hear her, likeyou know, putting out an
(06:36):
invitation Okay, let's justleave it at that.
And you know I can see himgetting all flustered and you
know he's trying to, like, getoff the phone quickly.
We were laying in bed at thetime, by the way, we had just
woken up, I can, and so I'm likeI guess he might have noticed
(06:57):
that I was kind of pressing myear up against the phone to hear
like more of the conversation.
So he like rushes to get offthe phone, closes it and
immediately starts to likedistract me with love and
affection and good morningkisses.
I'm like what the fuck was that?
Seriously dude, like what thehell, and totally dismisses it,
(07:17):
totally brushes it off, makesome lame ass excuse for what
the call was about, saying thatyou know she was house sitting
in the area and that you know weshould come over for coffee.
I'm like, okay, let's do itthen.
Let's go for that coffee.
I'm dying to see this housethat she's house sitting
Bullshit, all bullshit.
Totally talked his way out ofthat and I gotta tell you.
(07:41):
So what happens next isprobably not what I would do,
knowing what I know.
Now.
This was the best that I coulddo at the time, given where I
was emotionally, mentally andspiritually Okay.
(08:01):
So I really wanna make thatclear.
I am not saying this is thelast day.
If you're listening to this andyou're in the situation, this
is not what I'm recommending youdo.
Okay, let me make that clear.
I went into I don't know if youwould call it was like a
combination of fight, flight,freeze or fawn, like I was doing
(08:27):
all of the above simultaneously.
It was the craziest thing In mymind, like my mind and my
emotions were swirling, fuckingmass, like when I tell you
blindsided like blindsideddoesn't even begin to describe
how this literally threw me offmy equilibrium.
(08:48):
I was like what the fuck iseven like?
What is well?
Who am I even?
What is this life Like?
What is happening?
Is this even reality anymore?
Because it was so.
Not, it was the opposite of whatI was believing.
All this time, I was filledwith fear.
(09:09):
I was filled with anger, hate,seething, rage, like seething,
like just oh, like it was like,if you could put a mental
picture to it, it was likeboiling red acid that I was
(09:30):
filled with sadness, hurt,disbelief, numbness, even
sometimes I was going throughall the different stages of
grief at the same time,literally.
And I think you know the onething that I was, the one
mindset or belief that I was,you know, kind of stuck, not pat
(09:52):
, like a mental pattern that Iwas stuck in, is I was, I was
obsessing to figure out what washappening.
What did this really mean?
How much had happened?
Are they friends?
Are they sleeping together?
Are they in a relationship,like what is going on?
And I knew that they weren'tfriends because I heard her on
(10:14):
the call.
Like I knew friendship wasn'tthe thing, but I'm like, well,
maybe it's a very flirty out ofyou know, inappropriate
friendship, like maybe they'rejust, you know, when you're in
that flirty situation ship whereit's like you know, you're kind
of talking around in circlesand doing everything but
engaging in the act, right.
(10:35):
But I knew that it wasn't thatbecause I heard what she said on
the phone.
It was definitely not.
It was definitely clear thatthere was something going on
between the two of them.
I didn't know the extent of itand how long it had been going
on, how deeply they wereinvolved, how often were they
seeing each other.
Like I did it, I was obsessing,trying to figure out all these
details and I was alsooscillating between two
(11:00):
different states of being.
And this is where the fightflight or font kind of came in.
Either I was fighting anddemanding a confession, like a
full on confession, from himsaying, yes, I cheated, this has
been going on blah, blah, blah.
(11:21):
I needed him to own it.
I needed him to own up to it,to own up to what he'd done, to,
to, number one, to show me thatyou know he is taking
accountability for it.
And number two, to put mymental, my mind, at ease, right,
because I was constantly goinginto this self-doubt like, but
(11:44):
it can't be, but it can't be,but it can't be.
And he was making me feel crazyfor even thinking that he was
cheating on me, even though allthe signs were there and I heard
the call and everything.
And then there was othersituations that happened.
There were so many signs, youguys, I could do an episode just
on the signs, but I don't wannado that because, when taken out
of context, it could, you know,a lot of these things were very
(12:05):
insignificant.
There was two or three keyevents that really, like,
solidified it for me that thiswas going down, it was happening
, whether I liked it or not, andI needed to accept it.
But I was refusing to accept itbecause I didn't have a smoking
gun right?
Because, unless, even though Iheard her on the phone, even
though I heard her say what shesaid, even though I heard the
tone in which she said it andeven though I saw how fucking
(12:27):
nervous he got when she calledand how quickly he tried to
dismiss it and then pretend thathe didn't remember that she
called or what she said.
It was 10 minutes after.
Even though there was all ofthat, him telling me that it was
all in my head was enough tomake me doubt myself, and so I
(12:51):
was going through this thing oflike self doubt.
So I just needed him tovalidate what I already knew
internally.
I needed him to validate andtake accountability for and
confirm that he had beencheating on me so I can put
myself doubt at ease, because Ididn't have the wherewithal to
trust myself, because I had putall my trust, love and affection
(13:13):
into this person, which is avery scary thing for me to not
scary, but uncomfortable thingfor me to admit right, and I
think that was probably one ofthe hardest parts.
And then so that was the onestate of being, and the other
state of being was justpretending it wasn't happening
and living in this happy denialand like my look, we're still
(13:35):
here, my happily ever after isstill happening, nothing
happened, we're good, it's allokay.
So, and I would oscillatebetween these two states, of
being for a very, very, verylong time.
You guys, it was anotherprobably seven years before
things ended between us.
And you know what, like to mydefense, there was a lot of
(14:01):
other things that went down inthat seven years that made it
very difficult for us to walkaway from the relationship.
We dealt with a lot, we werehanded a lot more after that
situation, right, reallythinking that, you know, maybe
this would bring us closertogether and whatnot.
But you know what?
The patterns were always there.
It was just a matter of whatseason we were in, you know, and
(14:22):
they would always kind of comeback to nip us in the butt every
now and then.
You know, and I think the lasttime was the one that broke the
camels.
It's rather broke the camelsback, as they say, and it wasn't
even that there was cheating,it was just I was just so tired
of the disrespect that I just Ihad to just call it.
I called it.
I was like I can't do thisanymore, like we're done.
(14:46):
So you know, going back to thatperiod of seven years where I
was either fighting for aconfession and, believe me, I
tried everything to get thisconfession, like couples
counseling, fighting, mindsettech like my own personal
mindset tech, like everythingyou could think of to try and
(15:08):
get this confession or happydenial.
And what ended up happening is,you know, we would get into
these huge blowouts, right, huge, I mean huge blowouts and then
you know I would get afraid thatI would lose them, right.
And then I would be like no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, this
is not what I want.
And then I would go into happydenial and I would live there
(15:29):
for as long as I can, right,until things exploded again.
Because when you hold on to thatkind of doubt, fear, pain, hate
, resentment, rage, it doesn'tgo anywhere.
You can mask it all you want,it's still there beneath the
surface.
You can positive white lightyourself all the fuck you want,
(15:52):
but that shit's still in there.
You know, that's why I'm notinto this whole high-vibre
mentality lifestyle that a lotof people push online, because I
just think it's so fuckingtoxic.
Like you need to deal with yourshit.
You need to deal with yourshadow, right?
So you know, I was holding onto all this hurt, all this anger
, all this pain and I was justpretending to be happy.
And, ironically what washappening as a result?
(16:16):
Even when I was looking happyand everybody was like, oh look,
she gets her happily ever afterafter all, I would go through
my days all positive and in love, telling myself that, you know,
my happy ending was stillhappening.
I would go to bed, I would go tosleep and at about two or three
(16:38):
in the morning I would wake upin rage, scream like horror,
screams like not even like theseweren't like fears of sorry,
these weren't screams of fear,like they weren't screams like.
You know, when you're runningfrom something in your dreams,
something that's really scary,and you start screaming out of
(16:58):
fear.
These were like roars of ragethat I was holding on the inside
that were being released on theoutside when I was sleeping,
and I would wake up in theserages and I'd be pounding my
fists.
I remember one night I was justpounding my fists on the
mattress and I was just roaringat the top of my lungs and he
(17:20):
was so startled.
And this wouldn't go on often,and I remember my last period of
denial was quite long.
It was a few years where I wasin denial, thinking that
anything had happened, and Itotally there was a point.
I think there was a point whereI had almost completely
forgotten it.
Actually, now that I thinkabout it, cause we'd been
(17:41):
through so much together, I'dalmost completely forgotten it.
But all that rage, all thatanger, all that hatred was still
in there inside of me and notbeing addressed.
And then it was the smallest,insignificant not small, it
wasn't a small and insignificantthing.
But there were signs on we hadtaken this last trip together
and I was just like, oh my God,this is not right, this is not,
(18:04):
this is there's something wrong.
I was still seeing, I wasseeing flirting, I was seeing it
was just so offensive thebehavior on this trip.
And then, coming back, we hadthe worst blowout we had ever
had and I was just done.
I was done.
I was done with the lying, Iwas done with the gaslighting, I
(18:26):
was done with the disrespect.
And that's when I kind of knew,I knew that I was done.
I was like I cannot.
I've gone as low as I can go.
I cannot go any lower.
Like I can't settle for anyless, any less.
Like this is it?
I've reached my threshold.
This stops now.
(18:46):
And within a millisecond, everyemotion I had turned off there
was.
There was literally no.
This is where the numbness camein.
I had nothing left.
I had no love, I had no hate, Ihad no anger, I had no rage, I
had nothing.
I was just, I was nope done.
And it happened in a second.
Now it would be a few monthsbefore things finally, like you
(19:09):
know, ended between us.
But there was a moment, therewas a moment where I was just no
, this is done Like I can't, Ican't, I can't imagine even one
step forward with this personanymore.
It's just, it's not right, it'snot healthy.
I was tired of it and that was,I think, my first real big wake
(19:31):
up call, right, and I think youknow, looking back, you know
the more intense the fightinggot, you know, and the more
failed attempts at thispretending happy denial.
None of that really, I mean itmattered, but it was, you know,
(19:52):
it was the, it was theunderlying issue to all of this
happening, right, so it was theunderlying issue of not being
able to face it, wanting to livein happy denial, needing him to
confirm.
All came down to one thing andone thing only, and that is that
(20:14):
I truly did not trust myself atall and I absolutely you know
this, this, this, thisinfidelity sorry, I'm getting,
I'm getting all rambling now.
The infidelity happening was areflection of the not
(20:39):
enough-ness that I felt withinmyself, and I think the big
mistake for me, looking back onthis relationship, was in the
fact that when we got together,I had what I, what I thought was
confidence was actually falseconfidence.
I thought I was the mostarrogant person.
(20:59):
People would look at me andprobably think I was the most
arrogant person on the planet.
It wasn't.
It was actually falseconfidence.
I was actually wildly insecureand lacked in self-worth, but
being in this relationship kindof validated my worth to me.
Being in this relationship mademe feel lovable.
Being in this relationship mademe feel safe.
So I put all these eggs intosomebody else's basket.
(21:22):
They were no longer in mybasket, they were in his the
trust in myself, the belief inmyself, the worth in myself, the
value in myself.
And so when this happened, whenthe cheating happened, facing it
meant that I needed to facethis underlying belief that I
had within myself, which is Iwas not good enough.
(21:43):
I had to actually like look atthat.
And I didn't want to.
I wanted to pretend no, but Iam good enough, see, because he
loves me, he's with me, we'rehaving our happily ever after.
What's your fucking problem,like why can't you get it?
But that wasn't the case.
That wasn't the case.
I needed to shit.
I don't feel like I'm goodenough, I don't feel like I'm
(22:05):
worthy and I don't fucking trustmyself, and I need to take a
really good hard look at that,because this relationship is not
can't, can't, can't put abandaid over that for me anymore
.
It put a bandaid over that foras long as it could, could not
put a bandaid over it anymore.
I needed to look at my ownself-worth issues.
I needed to look at my owndistrust that I had within
(22:29):
myself, and that relationshipwas the wake up call that my
life needed in order to fullylove myself and do the work that
I do.
And so I'm actually very fuckinggrateful to that relationship,
because I gotta tell you, theway that my life has unfolded
since has been nothing short ofmiraculous.
(22:51):
Don't get me wrong.
There's been tons of challengesand there's been tons more
heartbreak, and there's been somuch more like pain and loss and
grief and healing, which is notalways comfortable.
But, man, when I think of thepermission slip to step into my
power and my worth that thatrelationship gave me.
(23:13):
I would do it all over again ina heartbeat apps a fucking
Lutli.
So here are some things Ilearned going through that
situation and being where I amnow and having done the work
that I have done.
What I would do now, knowingwhat I know today, and to avoid
going into that fight, flight orfreeze or fun or denial
(23:37):
approach that I was doing backin the day, here's what I would
do differently If I were toteleport myself back into that
situation.
Number one I would be honestwith myself and with others
about how I was feeling, and Iwant you to pay very close
attention to this, because thisis one of the things that I
think I did as a very negativeand toxic coping mechanism in
(23:59):
dealing with the situation.
I didn't tell anybody what Iwas experiencing.
I not only was I not beinghonest with my partner about
what I was feeling and howfrustrated I was and the pain
and the hurt.
I mean I tried to, but again wewere either like exploding in
an argument or I was living inhappy denial.
I didn't really tell anyone ofmy friends what I was going
(24:22):
through.
I kept it all a secret.
I did tell my family, like I'vetold a couple of my family
members, but even with them Itried not to talk Like I would
have my breakdown moment.
I would cry, I would have ameltdown, I would have a patty I
remember having a patty on thekitchen floor one day and then I
would pretend that everythingwas okay.
(24:43):
And I think that you knowthere's a level of feeling shame
, that you are being cheated onthat we take on.
You know it's like it's areflection of, again, that
belief that you hold withinyourself.
Oh, this is proof that I'mreally not good enough, I'm
really not worthy of arelationship.
I really can't trust myself tochoose the right people to be in
(25:03):
a relationship with right, andit's just a confirmation of all
those internal belief systemsand so for us to be able to go
out there and be able to shareit with people.
It's like.
It's like we're basicallysaying hi, so I'm not good
enough.
In case you didn't know, let mejust fill you in on the details.
You know we kind of make itmean something about who we are
(25:24):
and what we're worth, and that'snot what this is about.
You need to be honest, you needto be open and you need to
really be able to be comfortableexpressing what you're feeling,
what you're going through, andnot making it feel like it means
something about you in any way.
You know that's really, really,really important.
That's number one.
(25:46):
Number two I would find healthyways to deal with the emotions
that were coming up for me.
You know, fight, flight orfreeze or a happy denial clearly
wasn't working or I would notbe waking up screaming in the
middle of the fucking night.
You know, like I mean, that ispretty clear.
So, finding healthy ways todeal with your emotions.
(26:06):
You know, at the time, god, Iwish I would have known to
journal.
You know, I wish I would haveknown to keep like a rage
journal by my bedside where Icould just let all of that out
and acknowledge what I wasfeeling on the inside that was
screaming for me to come out onthe outside when my sleep.
I wish I would have reallygiven a voice to the pain, the
(26:29):
hurt, the anger that I wasfeeling, the thoughts that I was
having, the fears that it wasbringing up.
You know, there were so manythings that I was burying
beneath the surface because Ididn't feel either equipped to
handle it.
Or you know, when we did tryand talk about it again, it
would end up in a big blow and Iwas afraid of losing him and so
I would go right back to happydenial.
You know, it just wasn't theway to do it.
(26:52):
And we did go to couplescounseling and things of that
nature and that did help a lot.
I'm not gonna say that itdidn't and absolutely did, but I
think even there I was holdingback a huge piece of myself and
not actually expressing the realdepth of how vulnerable and how
painful that experienceactually was for me.
Number three I will say againand this goes back to what we
(27:15):
just said find the support thatyou need right.
So this is creating thosesafety circles, those safe
circles for you to talk aboutwhat you're going through.
Have a safe place, whether it'sa family member, whether it's a
friend, whether it's atherapist, whether it's a
counselor, whether it's asupport group, whether it's a
(27:35):
coach or a healer, it doesn'tmatter, it's entirely up to you.
The point is set up your systemfor support because you're
gonna need it.
You know there's so many thingsthat get triggered in these
situations.
You know when we talk about, youknow, relationship trauma is a
real thing and cheating andinfidelity is one of the leading
causes of relationship trauma.
You know, because when you putyour love and your trust blindly
(27:57):
into this person and theyblindside you and hurt you in
this way, it can be extremelytraumatizing, and it could be.
You know you not only do younot trust other people, but you
stop trusting yourself, andwe're gonna talk about that in
another episode coming up.
But so for now, I need you tosurround yourself with people
(28:18):
and resources that you can trust, that you can lean into, that
you can be yourself with.
And I will say this you know,at the time when I was going
through this, yeah, facebook wasa thing, but it was more like
to connect with your friends andwhatnot.
Oh my God, if I was goingthrough what I was going through
then.
Now there are so many circlesyou can find on Facebook for
(28:41):
like everything.
Just make sure that they'rebeing managed by somebody who's
credible, please.
You know either a therapist orwhatnot, or a counselor or a
coach, but make sure you'reworking and make sure, if you
are working with a coach, thatthey are trauma informed,
because, oh my God, the damageyou can do.
Working with somebody who isnot trauma informed when they're
coaching you, whoa, that canactually do more damage than
(29:03):
good.
So, you know, make sure to findyour peeps, find your circles,
find those places where it feelssafe, where there's come.
You know you can connect withpeople that have kind of been
through the same thing and cankind of, you know, hold space
for you to be in this phase ofyour life and be able to extract
(29:23):
from it all that you need toextract and the lessons that you
need to take away with you sothat you can come out of this
more empowered, whole and healedon the other side of it.
You know that is so, so, soimportant because unfortunately,
here's the thing, a lot of us,maybe we struggle to find
friendships.
Maybe, you know, we have astrange relationship with our
(29:44):
family, you know, and we kind offeel a little bit alone.
Or, or sometimes our familydoesn't know how to deal with
these things.
They don't know the best adviceto give, even though they're
well-meaning, right, or ourfriends can be well-meaning but
really can't connect with whatwe're going through.
We need to find the support ofpeople who have been there, who
get it, who understand whatwe're feeling.
We don't need to explainourselves, we don't need to
(30:06):
justify ourselves.
They just fucking get it.
Go out, find your people.
Okay, they're out there,they're online.
There's lots of freecommunities.
Again, just be careful, bemindful, make sure you're
talking to the right people,right and qualified people.
And the last thing is really,you know, don't rush the process
(30:27):
.
You know, this is all aboutthis whole.
I believe that the whole reasonthat this whole thing happened
to me this situation, thisrelationship, the cheating, the
infidelity, whatever it'sbecause I wasn't loving myself
and the only way to turn thisaround was to start loving
myself, right, and that's reallywhat we're talking about here
today.
That's what all these steps areabout.
It's about learning to loveyourself.
(30:48):
The most important thing inloving yourself, especially
through the healing process, isto not rush it.
You can't put a time stamp onit.
Well, I've been sad long enough, so I need to put.
I've been sad for a week, so Ineed to be happy, now switch.
You know, or you know, maybeI've.
(31:08):
You know, I've spent the lastthree days in bed eating
chocolate.
I gotta get up.
I gotta go to the gym, I gottago back on my keto.
Just listen, give yourself time,give yourself grace.
It's gonna take as long as ittakes, you'll have your good
days, you'll have your bad days.
Some days will feel worse thanothers.
(31:29):
But what I can tell you is thisthe more you go through this
like, the more time goes on andyou've heard this before and I
know it sounds like a cliche,but honestly, the more time goes
on, the better you'll feel, thelonger good days you'll have
between the bad days and viceversa.
So not vice versa the longerthe good days between the bad
(31:51):
days and the longer the spacebetween the bad days.
Is what I was trying to say,and just trust it.
You know, even if it comes uplike like God, like I think mine
came up like a few months agoand this was years ago you know
where something triggered me andI remembered something that you
know happened and it was likefuck, like how are we, how am I
(32:11):
still upset about this?
But it happens and it's okayand the self-loving thing to do
is to acknowledge those feelingswhen they come up, I really
believe that if we were just tolove ourselves and be present
with our pain, with our emotionsas it comes up, instead of
trying to like gaslightourselves out of it.
We wouldn't need coaches andhealers and therapists, wouldn't
(32:34):
, because really it all comesdown to all our healing, all our
therapy.
For the most part, I knowthere's obviously you know
there's a lot of complex.
You know mental conditions andemotional and chemical
imbalances that people can have.
But on a general scale, you knowif you have unhealed shit right
(32:57):
, it's usually because when theshit happened you didn't know
how to deal with it and so youprocessed it in a way that was
almost that was unhealthy andmaybe even a little destructive
to you at the time.
Maybe you buried it, maybe youput yourself in denial, maybe
you made it mean something aboutyou, maybe you made a story
around it, whatever, there's somany things.
If we just learn healthy waysof coping with our emotions and
(33:21):
moving through pain and traumaand hurt and loss because let me
tell you something, these areall a natural fucking part of
life and we would do ourchildren a hell of a lot better,
I think, teaching them how toprocess difficult, complex
emotions at a very young age, asopposed to teaching them
(33:44):
geometry or trigonometry.
Hello, anybody ever have to usea square root of pi in their
life?
Ever no.
But when was the last time youhad to process heavy emotions?
Last week, for the 10th timethis month, and it's only March
(34:04):
11th, which would have made thatMarch what fourth.
Come on, people.
We need to start lovingourselves.
We need to start moving throughour emotions in healthy,
self-loving ways, and that isthe only way to undo the damage
that we've done.
And when you're in a situationlike this, that is exactly what
(34:26):
you need.
If you're in a situation whereyou're being cheated on, you're
being lied to and you're beinggaslighted, it's time to be your
greatest support.
It's time to be that bestfriend Whatever you would say to
a best friend that was goingthrough what you're going
through right now.
You need to now say that toyourself and you need to move
yourself through this situation.
(34:46):
And if you need support,absolutely you can book a
one-on-one with me.
We can work through thistogether.
Obviously, I've been down thatroad, but for now, again, be
honest with yourself, findhealthy ways to deal with your
emotions, find the support thatyou need and please, please,
please, do not rush this process, and I promise you you will
(35:09):
come out stronger and better onthe other side of this.
I promise okay, remember tolove yourself the way that you
want to be loved, and I promiseyou.
I promise you you will be.
And if you're ready to create amassive up-level in your
relationships and your life,click the link below this
podcast and book your one90-minute intensive with me.
These are powerful 90-minutesessions where we will get laser
(35:32):
focused to create massivechange and transformation in
your life and your relationships.
If you've got a question, ifthere's anything you're curious
about struggling with or justdying to know about me, hit me
up at mariethefemcoachcom andlet me know all about it.
Who knows, you just mightinspire the next episode of the
Femcast and if you loved thisepisode, it would mean the world
(35:54):
to me if you would leave apositive rating and review on
Apple Podcast or Spotify orwherever you're listening to
this episode.
That is all for now, you guys.
Until next time, massive love.
Hey you guys, what is up and welcome back to this
show.
I'm so excited and grateful tohave you here.
We are getting into it today,guys, I gotta tell you, ever
since I've been going onSubstack and sharing my diary
and my thoughts of my personalstories and whatnot, I've really
been getting into the feels andinto the vulnerability.
So hopefully you're here for itI'm assuming you are if you're
(00:20):
listening to this.
So today's episode is all abouthealing from cheating how to
cope with being cheated on in arelationship.
If you're currently in asituation where you're being
cheated on and you just have noclue what to do, or you're just
kind of doing your best that youcan under the circumstances, or
if you've been cheated on inthe past and you're still
(00:41):
holding onto a lot of pain andresentment and you feel like you
still have some residualhealing to do, then this episode
is totally for you.
You're gonna wanna stick aroundbecause I'm gonna be sharing
with you how I experiencedcheating for the first time in
my life.
After eight years, eight or nineyears of being in a
relationship with someone andguys.
(01:04):
I was blindsided, like it was,like it came so out of left
field for me, like I was sonaive, not expecting it, not
anticipating it, like it wasn'teven something that would ever
cross my mind.
It was in my head.
I was living this fairy talelife literally.
(01:24):
And I think you know, leadingup to that moment and I always
hate to say this because I don'twanna shade other women, but I
was never the type to feelthreatened by other women.
(01:46):
Like I was never the type toworry about who he was with, who
he was talking to, what he wasdoing with the guys.
Like if one of the guys wasgetting married and they were
taking the dude out to like apeel pub for his last hurrah,
like I wasn't gonna get up and atizzy over it.
You know what I mean.
Like it's like go do your thing, have a good time, whatever.
(02:07):
I literally thought like thesun rose and set or set and
whatever the saying is with thisperson.
You know.
Like it was.
Like he was my person.
I trusted him with my life.
I never in a million yearswould have questioned whether or
(02:30):
not I could trust him.
Like I trusted himwholeheartedly and literally in
my life.
I thought we were on our way tothe fairy tale, happily ever
after.
Like it just nothing other thanhappily ever after ever even
occurred to me Like there was noalternate ending to the story.
(02:52):
There was only one ending andthe ending was happily ever
after, and I fully believed thatI had hit the jackpot with this
person.
You know, and it was.
We were going through a roughpatch, yes, but I never, ever,
ever, doubted that.
You know, things would work outfor us and I never, ever
(03:15):
doubted that we were happytogether and I never doubted
that.
You know we had each other'sbacks.
You know, through thick andthin, like we were ride or die,
right.
And so you know, after monthsof, you know, probably some
distance between us.
You know we were both dealingwith a lot of stressors.
You know, outside of therelationship and you know the
(03:39):
intimacy had just gone out thewindow, which was never an issue
for us.
And you know, whatever it wasseven, eight or nine years that
we'd been together, there waslike zero anything happening,
right, but still it wasn't a redflag for me and there was all
these other signs and cluesaround that something was going
on.
And, guys, when I tell you, Iwas oblivious to what was
(04:00):
happening, like right under mynose, oblivious, and I think
that part of me held shametowards myself and anger towards
myself that I could have beenso blind, that could have been
so dumb.
Why didn't I see the signs?
How could I have trusted thisperson so deeply, who wounded me
so deeply, right, and it waslike just blindsided, right, and
(04:26):
all the signs were there andthey kept.
And I kept looking at the signs.
I would see the signs.
I remember thinking, huh,that's weird, oh that's weird,
oh that's unusual behavior.
But I didn't think anything ofit because they were such like
insignificant things, right,like it was like little things.
Like you know, all of a suddenhe needs his under underwear.
All of a sudden he's worriedabout his belly fat.
All of a sudden, you know, he'smangroovy or manscaping, when
(04:50):
he never used to do that before.
All of a sudden he's likeobsessive about his breath and
he's constantly chewing gum andit's like all these weird things
that were never.
He was never about coming homelate from work, like
ridiculously late from work,right, and you know always
having a reason to go back towork, especially on a Friday or
Saturday night at around 9o'clock.
(05:10):
Suddenly he gets called intowork Like there was all these
signs and I was clueless.
I was like, okay, bye.
Like when I tell you, deaf,dumb and blind, deaf, dumb and
blind, like I had zero, my radarwasn't even up, like I wasn't
(05:30):
even like, hmm, is somethinghappening that I need to be
concerned about?
Nothing, nothing at all.
So you know, fast forward now.
There was a few months of this.
Then the call came, the callthat actually changed everything
.
I remember it was a Sundaymorning, we were laying in bed.
(05:53):
This chick calls him up andit's all flirty on the phone
with him.
And I could hear her, I couldhear everything she's saying so
clearly and I'm like, oh my God,I can hear the tone in her
voice, I could hear theflirtiness in her voice, I can
(06:15):
hear the little like you knowteasing little, you know
comments that she's making, andI'm like, what the actual fuck?
And so you know, all my spideysenses now are going off Because
I'm hearing the conversation.
I can flat out hear her, likeyou know, putting out an
(06:36):
invitation Okay, let's justleave it at that.
And you know I can see himgetting all flustered and you
know he's trying to, like, getoff the phone quickly.
We were laying in bed at thetime, by the way, we had just
woken up, I can, and so I'm likeI guess he might have noticed
(06:57):
that I was kind of pressing myear up against the phone to hear
like more of the conversation.
So he like rushes to get offthe phone, closes it and
immediately starts to likedistract me with love and
affection and good morningkisses.
I'm like what the fuck was that?
Seriously dude, like what thehell, and totally dismisses it,
(07:17):
totally brushes it off, makesome lame ass excuse for what
the call was about, saying thatyou know she was house sitting
in the area and that you know weshould come over for coffee.
I'm like, okay, let's do itthen.
Let's go for that coffee.
I'm dying to see this housethat she's house sitting
Bullshit, all bullshit.
Totally talked his way out ofthat and I gotta tell you.
(07:41):
So what happens next isprobably not what I would do,
knowing what I know.
Now.
This was the best that I coulddo at the time, given where I
was emotionally, mentally andspiritually Okay.
(08:01):
So I really wanna make thatclear.
I am not saying this is thelast day.
If you're listening to this andyou're in the situation, this
is not what I'm recommending youdo.
Okay, let me make that clear.
I went into I don't know if youwould call it was like a
combination of fight, flight,freeze or fawn, like I was doing
(08:27):
all of the above simultaneously.
It was the craziest thing In mymind, like my mind and my
emotions were swirling, fuckingmass, like when I tell you
blindsided like blindsideddoesn't even begin to describe
how this literally threw me offmy equilibrium.
(08:48):
I was like what the fuck iseven like?
What is well?
Who am I even?
What is this life Like?
What is happening?
Is this even reality anymore?
Because it was so.
Not, it was the opposite of whatI was believing.
All this time, I was filledwith fear.
(09:09):
I was filled with anger, hate,seething, rage, like seething,
like just oh, like it was like,if you could put a mental
picture to it, it was likeboiling red acid that I was
(09:30):
filled with sadness, hurt,disbelief, numbness, even
sometimes I was going throughall the different stages of
grief at the same time,literally.
And I think you know the onething that I was, the one
mindset or belief that I was,you know, kind of stuck, not pat
(09:52):
, like a mental pattern that Iwas stuck in, is I was, I was
obsessing to figure out what washappening.
What did this really mean?
How much had happened?
Are they friends?
Are they sleeping together?
Are they in a relationship,like what is going on?
And I knew that they weren'tfriends because I heard her on
(10:14):
the call.
Like I knew friendship wasn'tthe thing, but I'm like, well,
maybe it's a very flirty out ofyou know, inappropriate
friendship, like maybe they'rejust, you know, when you're in
that flirty situation ship whereit's like you know, you're kind
of talking around in circlesand doing everything but
engaging in the act, right.
(10:35):
But I knew that it wasn't thatbecause I heard what she said on
the phone.
It was definitely not.
It was definitely clear thatthere was something going on
between the two of them.
I didn't know the extent of itand how long it had been going
on, how deeply they wereinvolved, how often were they
seeing each other.
Like I did it, I was obsessing,trying to figure out all these
details and I was alsooscillating between two
(11:00):
different states of being.
And this is where the fightflight or font kind of came in.
Either I was fighting anddemanding a confession, like a
full on confession, from himsaying, yes, I cheated, this has
been going on blah, blah, blah.
(11:21):
I needed him to own it.
I needed him to own up to it,to own up to what he'd done, to,
to, number one, to show me thatyou know he is taking
accountability for it.
And number two, to put mymental, my mind, at ease, right,
because I was constantly goinginto this self-doubt like, but
(11:44):
it can't be, but it can't be,but it can't be.
And he was making me feel crazyfor even thinking that he was
cheating on me, even though allthe signs were there and I heard
the call and everything.
And then there was othersituations that happened.
There were so many signs, youguys, I could do an episode just
on the signs, but I don't wannado that because, when taken out
of context, it could, you know,a lot of these things were very
(12:05):
insignificant.
There was two or three keyevents that really, like,
solidified it for me that thiswas going down, it was happening
, whether I liked it or not, andI needed to accept it.
But I was refusing to accept itbecause I didn't have a smoking
gun right?
Because, unless, even though Iheard her on the phone, even
though I heard her say what shesaid, even though I heard the
tone in which she said it andeven though I saw how fucking
(12:27):
nervous he got when she calledand how quickly he tried to
dismiss it and then pretend thathe didn't remember that she
called or what she said.
It was 10 minutes after.
Even though there was all ofthat, him telling me that it was
all in my head was enough tomake me doubt myself, and so I
(12:51):
was going through this thing oflike self doubt.
So I just needed him tovalidate what I already knew
internally.
I needed him to validate andtake accountability for and
confirm that he had beencheating on me so I can put
myself doubt at ease, because Ididn't have the wherewithal to
trust myself, because I had putall my trust, love and affection
(13:13):
into this person, which is avery scary thing for me to not
scary, but uncomfortable thingfor me to admit right, and I
think that was probably one ofthe hardest parts.
And then so that was the onestate of being, and the other
state of being was justpretending it wasn't happening
and living in this happy denialand like my look, we're still
(13:35):
here, my happily ever after isstill happening, nothing
happened, we're good, it's allokay.
So, and I would oscillatebetween these two states, of
being for a very, very, verylong time.
You guys, it was anotherprobably seven years before
things ended between us.
And you know what, like to mydefense, there was a lot of
(14:01):
other things that went down inthat seven years that made it
very difficult for us to walkaway from the relationship.
We dealt with a lot, we werehanded a lot more after that
situation, right, reallythinking that, you know, maybe
this would bring us closertogether and whatnot.
But you know what?
The patterns were always there.
It was just a matter of whatseason we were in, you know, and
(14:22):
they would always kind of comeback to nip us in the butt every
now and then.
You know, and I think the lasttime was the one that broke the
camels.
It's rather broke the camelsback, as they say, and it wasn't
even that there was cheating,it was just I was just so tired
of the disrespect that I just Ihad to just call it.
I called it.
I was like I can't do thisanymore, like we're done.
(14:46):
So you know, going back to thatperiod of seven years where I
was either fighting for aconfession and, believe me, I
tried everything to get thisconfession, like couples
counseling, fighting, mindsettech like my own personal
mindset tech, like everythingyou could think of to try and
(15:08):
get this confession or happydenial.
And what ended up happening is,you know, we would get into
these huge blowouts, right, huge, I mean huge blowouts and then
you know I would get afraid thatI would lose them, right.
And then I would be like no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, this
is not what I want.
And then I would go into happydenial and I would live there
(15:29):
for as long as I can, right,until things exploded again.
Because when you hold on to thatkind of doubt, fear, pain, hate
, resentment, rage, it doesn'tgo anywhere.
You can mask it all you want,it's still there beneath the
surface.
You can positive white lightyourself all the fuck you want,
(15:52):
but that shit's still in there.
You know, that's why I'm notinto this whole high-vibre
mentality lifestyle that a lotof people push online, because I
just think it's so fuckingtoxic.
Like you need to deal with yourshit.
You need to deal with yourshadow, right?
So you know, I was holding onto all this hurt, all this anger
, all this pain and I was justpretending to be happy.
And, ironically what washappening as a result?
(16:16):
Even when I was looking happyand everybody was like, oh look,
she gets her happily ever afterafter all, I would go through
my days all positive and in love, telling myself that, you know,
my happy ending was stillhappening.
I would go to bed, I would go tosleep and at about two or three
(16:38):
in the morning I would wake upin rage, scream like horror,
screams like not even like theseweren't like fears of sorry,
these weren't screams of fear,like they weren't screams like.
You know, when you're runningfrom something in your dreams,
something that's really scary,and you start screaming out of
(16:58):
fear.
These were like roars of ragethat I was holding on the inside
that were being released on theoutside when I was sleeping,
and I would wake up in theserages and I'd be pounding my
fists.
I remember one night I was justpounding my fists on the
mattress and I was just roaringat the top of my lungs and he
(17:20):
was so startled.
And this wouldn't go on often,and I remember my last period of
denial was quite long.
It was a few years where I wasin denial, thinking that
anything had happened, and Itotally there was a point.
I think there was a point whereI had almost completely
forgotten it.
Actually, now that I thinkabout it, cause we'd been
(17:41):
through so much together, I'dalmost completely forgotten it.
But all that rage, all thatanger, all that hatred was still
in there inside of me and notbeing addressed.
And then it was the smallest,insignificant not small, it
wasn't a small and insignificantthing.
But there were signs on we hadtaken this last trip together
and I was just like, oh my God,this is not right, this is not,
(18:04):
this is there's something wrong.
I was still seeing, I wasseeing flirting, I was seeing it
was just so offensive thebehavior on this trip.
And then, coming back, we hadthe worst blowout we had ever
had and I was just done.
I was done.
I was done with the lying, Iwas done with the gaslighting, I
(18:26):
was done with the disrespect.
And that's when I kind of knew,I knew that I was done.
I was like I cannot.
I've gone as low as I can go.
I cannot go any lower.
Like I can't settle for anyless, any less.
Like this is it?
I've reached my threshold.
This stops now.
(18:46):
And within a millisecond, everyemotion I had turned off there
was.
There was literally no.
This is where the numbness camein.
I had nothing left.
I had no love, I had no hate, Ihad no anger, I had no rage, I
had nothing.
I was just, I was nope done.
And it happened in a second.
Now it would be a few monthsbefore things finally, like you
(19:09):
know, ended between us.
But there was a moment, therewas a moment where I was just no
, this is done Like I can't, Ican't, I can't imagine even one
step forward with this personanymore.
It's just, it's not right, it'snot healthy.
I was tired of it and that was,I think, my first real big wake
(19:31):
up call, right, and I think youknow, looking back, you know
the more intense the fightinggot, you know, and the more
failed attempts at thispretending happy denial.
None of that really, I mean itmattered, but it was, you know,
(19:52):
it was the, it was theunderlying issue to all of this
happening, right, so it was theunderlying issue of not being
able to face it, wanting to livein happy denial, needing him to
confirm.
All came down to one thing andone thing only, and that is that
(20:14):
I truly did not trust myself atall and I absolutely you know
this, this, this, thisinfidelity sorry, I'm getting,
I'm getting all rambling now.
The infidelity happening was areflection of the not
(20:39):
enough-ness that I felt withinmyself, and I think the big
mistake for me, looking back onthis relationship, was in the
fact that when we got together,I had what I, what I thought was
confidence was actually falseconfidence.
I thought I was the mostarrogant person.
(20:59):
People would look at me andprobably think I was the most
arrogant person on the planet.
It wasn't.
It was actually falseconfidence.
I was actually wildly insecureand lacked in self-worth, but
being in this relationship kindof validated my worth to me.
Being in this relationship mademe feel lovable.
Being in this relationship mademe feel safe.
So I put all these eggs intosomebody else's basket.
(21:22):
They were no longer in mybasket, they were in his the
trust in myself, the belief inmyself, the worth in myself, the
value in myself.
And so when this happened, whenthe cheating happened, facing it
meant that I needed to facethis underlying belief that I
had within myself, which is Iwas not good enough.
(21:43):
I had to actually like look atthat.
And I didn't want to.
I wanted to pretend no, but Iam good enough, see, because he
loves me, he's with me, we'rehaving our happily ever after.
What's your fucking problem,like why can't you get it?
But that wasn't the case.
That wasn't the case.
I needed to shit.
I don't feel like I'm goodenough, I don't feel like I'm
(22:05):
worthy and I don't fucking trustmyself, and I need to take a
really good hard look at that,because this relationship is not
can't, can't, can't put abandaid over that for me anymore
.
It put a bandaid over that foras long as it could, could not
put a bandaid over it anymore.
I needed to look at my ownself-worth issues.
I needed to look at my owndistrust that I had within
(22:29):
myself, and that relationshipwas the wake up call that my
life needed in order to fullylove myself and do the work that
I do.
And so I'm actually very fuckinggrateful to that relationship,
because I gotta tell you, theway that my life has unfolded
since has been nothing short ofmiraculous.
(22:51):
Don't get me wrong.
There's been tons of challengesand there's been tons more
heartbreak, and there's been somuch more like pain and loss and
grief and healing, which is notalways comfortable.
But, man, when I think of thepermission slip to step into my
power and my worth that thatrelationship gave me.
(23:13):
I would do it all over again ina heartbeat apps a fucking
Lutli.
So here are some things Ilearned going through that
situation and being where I amnow and having done the work
that I have done.
What I would do now, knowingwhat I know today, and to avoid
going into that fight, flight orfreeze or fun or denial
(23:37):
approach that I was doing backin the day, here's what I would
do differently If I were toteleport myself back into that
situation.
Number one I would be honestwith myself and with others
about how I was feeling, and Iwant you to pay very close
attention to this, because thisis one of the things that I
think I did as a very negativeand toxic coping mechanism in
(23:59):
dealing with the situation.
I didn't tell anybody what Iwas experiencing.
I not only was I not beinghonest with my partner about
what I was feeling and howfrustrated I was and the pain
and the hurt.
I mean I tried to, but again wewere either like exploding in
an argument or I was living inhappy denial.
I didn't really tell anyone ofmy friends what I was going
(24:22):
through.
I kept it all a secret.
I did tell my family, like I'vetold a couple of my family
members, but even with them Itried not to talk Like I would
have my breakdown moment.
I would cry, I would have ameltdown, I would have a patty I
remember having a patty on thekitchen floor one day and then I
would pretend that everythingwas okay.
(24:43):
And I think that you knowthere's a level of feeling shame
, that you are being cheated onthat we take on.
You know it's like it's areflection of, again, that
belief that you hold withinyourself.
Oh, this is proof that I'mreally not good enough, I'm
really not worthy of arelationship.
I really can't trust myself tochoose the right people to be in
(25:03):
a relationship with right, andit's just a confirmation of all
those internal belief systemsand so for us to be able to go
out there and be able to shareit with people.
It's like.
It's like we're basicallysaying hi, so I'm not good
enough.
In case you didn't know, let mejust fill you in on the details.
You know we kind of make itmean something about who we are
(25:24):
and what we're worth, and that'snot what this is about.
You need to be honest, you needto be open and you need to
really be able to be comfortableexpressing what you're feeling,
what you're going through, andnot making it feel like it means
something about you in any way.
You know that's really, really,really important.
That's number one.
(25:46):
Number two I would find healthyways to deal with the emotions
that were coming up for me.
You know, fight, flight orfreeze or a happy denial clearly
wasn't working or I would notbe waking up screaming in the
middle of the fucking night.
You know, like I mean, that ispretty clear.
So, finding healthy ways todeal with your emotions.
(26:06):
You know, at the time, god, Iwish I would have known to
journal.
You know, I wish I would haveknown to keep like a rage
journal by my bedside where Icould just let all of that out
and acknowledge what I wasfeeling on the inside that was
screaming for me to come out onthe outside when my sleep.
I wish I would have reallygiven a voice to the pain, the
(26:29):
hurt, the anger that I wasfeeling, the thoughts that I was
having, the fears that it wasbringing up.
You know, there were so manythings that I was burying
beneath the surface because Ididn't feel either equipped to
handle it.
Or you know, when we did tryand talk about it again, it
would end up in a big blow and Iwas afraid of losing him and so
I would go right back to happydenial.
You know, it just wasn't theway to do it.
(26:52):
And we did go to couplescounseling and things of that
nature and that did help a lot.
I'm not gonna say that itdidn't and absolutely did, but I
think even there I was holdingback a huge piece of myself and
not actually expressing the realdepth of how vulnerable and how
painful that experienceactually was for me.
Number three I will say againand this goes back to what we
(27:15):
just said find the support thatyou need right.
So this is creating thosesafety circles, those safe
circles for you to talk aboutwhat you're going through.
Have a safe place, whether it'sa family member, whether it's a
friend, whether it's atherapist, whether it's a
counselor, whether it's asupport group, whether it's a
(27:35):
coach or a healer, it doesn'tmatter, it's entirely up to you.
The point is set up your systemfor support because you're
gonna need it.
You know there's so many thingsthat get triggered in these
situations.
You know when we talk about, youknow, relationship trauma is a
real thing and cheating andinfidelity is one of the leading
causes of relationship trauma.
You know, because when you putyour love and your trust blindly
(27:57):
into this person and theyblindside you and hurt you in
this way, it can be extremelytraumatizing, and it could be.
You know you not only do younot trust other people, but you
stop trusting yourself, andwe're gonna talk about that in
another episode coming up.
But so for now, I need you tosurround yourself with people
(28:18):
and resources that you can trust, that you can lean into, that
you can be yourself with.
And I will say this you know,at the time when I was going
through this, yeah, facebook wasa thing, but it was more like
to connect with your friends andwhatnot.
Oh my God, if I was goingthrough what I was going through
then.
Now there are so many circlesyou can find on Facebook for
(28:41):
like everything.
Just make sure that they'rebeing managed by somebody who's
credible, please.
You know either a therapist orwhatnot, or a counselor or a
coach, but make sure you'reworking and make sure, if you
are working with a coach, thatthey are trauma informed,
because, oh my God, the damageyou can do.
Working with somebody who isnot trauma informed when they're
coaching you, whoa, that canactually do more damage than
(29:03):
good.
So, you know, make sure to findyour peeps, find your circles,
find those places where it feelssafe, where there's come.
You know you can connect withpeople that have kind of been
through the same thing and cankind of, you know, hold space
for you to be in this phase ofyour life and be able to extract
(29:23):
from it all that you need toextract and the lessons that you
need to take away with you sothat you can come out of this
more empowered, whole and healedon the other side of it.
You know that is so, so, soimportant because unfortunately,
here's the thing, a lot of us,maybe we struggle to find
friendships.
Maybe, you know, we have astrange relationship with our
(29:44):
family, you know, and we kind offeel a little bit alone.
Or, or sometimes our familydoesn't know how to deal with
these things.
They don't know the best adviceto give, even though they're
well-meaning, right, or ourfriends can be well-meaning but
really can't connect with whatwe're going through.
We need to find the support ofpeople who have been there, who
get it, who understand whatwe're feeling.
We don't need to explainourselves, we don't need to
(30:06):
justify ourselves.
They just fucking get it.
Go out, find your people.
Okay, they're out there,they're online.
There's lots of freecommunities.
Again, just be careful, bemindful, make sure you're
talking to the right people,right and qualified people.
And the last thing is really,you know, don't rush the process
(30:27):
.
You know, this is all aboutthis whole.
I believe that the whole reasonthat this whole thing happened
to me this situation, thisrelationship, the cheating, the
infidelity, whatever it'sbecause I wasn't loving myself
and the only way to turn thisaround was to start loving
myself, right, and that's reallywhat we're talking about here
today.
That's what all these steps areabout.
It's about learning to loveyourself.
(30:48):
The most important thing inloving yourself, especially
through the healing process, isto not rush it.
You can't put a time stamp onit.
Well, I've been sad long enough, so I need to put.
I've been sad for a week, so Ineed to be happy, now switch.
You know, or you know, maybeI've.
(31:08):
You know, I've spent the lastthree days in bed eating
chocolate.
I gotta get up.
I gotta go to the gym, I gottago back on my keto.
Just listen, give yourself time,give yourself grace.
It's gonna take as long as ittakes, you'll have your good
days, you'll have your bad days.
Some days will feel worse thanothers.
(31:29):
But what I can tell you is thisthe more you go through this
like, the more time goes on andyou've heard this before and I
know it sounds like a cliche,but honestly, the more time goes
on, the better you'll feel, thelonger good days you'll have
between the bad days and viceversa.
So not vice versa the longerthe good days between the bad
(31:51):
days and the longer the spacebetween the bad days.
Is what I was trying to say,and just trust it.
You know, even if it comes uplike like God, like I think mine
came up like a few months agoand this was years ago you know
where something triggered me andI remembered something that you
know happened and it was likefuck, like how are we, how am I
(32:11):
still upset about this?
But it happens and it's okayand the self-loving thing to do
is to acknowledge those feelingswhen they come up, I really
believe that if we were just tolove ourselves and be present
with our pain, with our emotionsas it comes up, instead of
trying to like gaslightourselves out of it.
We wouldn't need coaches andhealers and therapists, wouldn't
(32:34):
, because really it all comesdown to all our healing, all our
therapy.
For the most part, I knowthere's obviously you know
there's a lot of complex.
You know mental conditions andemotional and chemical
imbalances that people can have.
But on a general scale, you knowif you have unhealed shit right
(32:57):
, it's usually because when theshit happened you didn't know
how to deal with it and so youprocessed it in a way that was
almost that was unhealthy andmaybe even a little destructive
to you at the time.
Maybe you buried it, maybe youput yourself in denial, maybe
you made it mean something aboutyou, maybe you made a story
around it, whatever, there's somany things.
If we just learn healthy waysof coping with our emotions and
(33:21):
moving through pain and traumaand hurt and loss because let me
tell you something, these areall a natural fucking part of
life and we would do ourchildren a hell of a lot better,
I think, teaching them how toprocess difficult, complex
emotions at a very young age, asopposed to teaching them
(33:44):
geometry or trigonometry.
Hello, anybody ever have to usea square root of pi in their
life?
Ever no.
But when was the last time youhad to process heavy emotions?
Last week, for the 10th timethis month, and it's only March
(34:04):
11th, which would have made thatMarch what fourth.
Come on, people.
We need to start lovingourselves.
We need to start moving throughour emotions in healthy,
self-loving ways, and that isthe only way to undo the damage
that we've done.
And when you're in a situationlike this, that is exactly what
(34:26):
you need.
If you're in a situation whereyou're being cheated on, you're
being lied to and you're beinggaslighted, it's time to be your
greatest support.
It's time to be that bestfriend Whatever you would say to
a best friend that was goingthrough what you're going
through right now.
You need to now say that toyourself and you need to move
yourself through this situation.
(34:46):
And if you need support,absolutely you can book a
one-on-one with me.
We can work through thistogether.
Obviously, I've been down thatroad, but for now, again, be
honest with yourself, findhealthy ways to deal with your
emotions, find the support thatyou need and please, please,
please, do not rush this process, and I promise you you will
(35:09):
come out stronger and better onthe other side of this.
I promise okay, remember tolove yourself the way that you
want to be loved, and I promiseyou.
I promise you you will be.
And if you're ready to create amassive up-level in your
relationships and your life,click the link below this
podcast and book your one90-minute intensive with me.
These are powerful 90-minutesessions where we will get laser
(35:32):
focused to create massivechange and transformation in
your life and your relationships.
If you've got a question, ifthere's anything you're curious
about struggling with or justdying to know about me, hit me
up at mariethefemcoachcom andlet me know all about it.
Who knows, you just mightinspire the next episode of the
Femcast and if you loved thisepisode, it would mean the world
(35:54):
to me if you would leave apositive rating and review on
Apple Podcast or Spotify orwherever you're listening to
this episode.
That is all for now, you guys.
Until next time, massive love.
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