February 18, 2025 • 42 mins
Ever found yourself swearing that next time will be different, only to attract the same emotionally unavailable partner—or worse? If you’ve just broken up, are already looking for the next one, or find yourself deep in yet another hot mess, this episode is for you.
On this episode of The Femme Cast I’m pulling back the curtain on my own patterns—why I kept attracting the wrong men, how I unknowingly sabotaged my own love life, and the radical shifts that actually changed everything. We’re talking about:
The energy I was in before my ‘douchebags’—bleeding from the last heartbreak and desperately searching for the next fix.
The energy I was in before my love stories—when I finally chose me, prioritized self-love, and became magnetic to better, healthier relationships.
The truth about attraction: Why who you’re being is more important than who you’re with—and how to break the cycle for good.
If you’re tired of repeating the same painful love story and are ready to attract something better, this conversation will be a game changer.
Take a deep breath. This episode is here to meet you exactly where you are—and lead you to exactly where you’re meant to be.
Let's do this.
Stop begging to be chosen. Choose yourself instead.
You’re not here to beg, chase, or perform for the bare minimum.
You’re here to reclaim your power and become magnetic to real, soul-aligned love, success, and abundance.
Reclaim the version of you that never had to beg to be chosen.
Book your 90-minute Sacred Reclamation Intensive.
But fair warning—authentic connections, aligned opportunities, and breakthroughs in love, money, and purpose are inevitable.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (00:00):
Hey you guys, what is up?
Welcome back to the show.
I'm so excited and grateful tohave you here.
Welcome if you're new.
We're gonna try and get throughthis.
I've tried to record this threetimes now and every time I have
to stop and start again becausethere's all kinds of train and
engines and things going onbehind me.
I have no idea what's going ontoday, but it's like the
(00:22):
freaking Easter parade over here.
But anyway, I digress.
So today I wanted to talk abouthow I learned to attract a
better partner next time andevery time and you know, like
hands up, if you've been herebecause I know I've been here a
gazillion times where you knowyou go through your hot mess,
(00:44):
douchebag du jour, right, you'rekind of left on the.
You know you're left on theflip side, broken, crying.
You know, maybe you broke upwith him, maybe he broke up with
you, maybe he cheated, or maybehe ghosted, or maybe it was a
combination of all of the above,I don't know, but either way,
you're like just a mess.
(01:04):
You're like a hot mess on theother end and you're swearing to
your best friend.
I am never going to do thisagain.
No, the next one is going to bekind to me, he's going to treat
me with respect, he's going toopen doors.
He's not going to lie, he's notgoing to cheat.
He's, you know, he's going toshow up for me.
Like you, really really like,you start to set these really
high standards for who you wantand not to say that they're bad
(01:26):
to set high standards, not whatwe're talking about but you
start to set these highstandards for who you want.
The next time around you, yougo out and try and find him and
you think you find him mostoften, and then only to end up
with the same, if not worse thanthe last guy.
I was in this pattern for whatfelt like a fucking lifetime,
(01:47):
you guys.
And so I was thinking aboutthat, and I was talking about
that with a friend of mine theother day, and you know the kind
of people we used to attractback in the day, and you know, I
started reflecting on some ofthe people that I'd been
attracting into my life recently, in the last couple of years,
and I'm like, wow, what was thebig difference?
(02:08):
Because the last few peoplethat I've manifested were really
like.
I mean, they weren't the one,but they were just these amazing
love stories, and I wanted that.
I wanted when I left myloveless relationship where I
felt like I was getting no lovewhatsoever and I felt completely
neglected and cast aside andcompletely unseen the only thing
(02:30):
in the world that I wanted.
I want the passion back in mylife, I want romance, I want
these amazing, magicalrelationships that I can, like
you, know, savor and rememberfor the rest of my life.
And that's exactly what I endedup manifesting.
And some of these relationshipswere phenomenal, Like I feel
like I could write a book juston.
Like some of theserelationships, they didn't stand
(02:52):
the test of time, but they wereamazing, amazing, amazing
experiences, and so I was kindof reflecting you know, what was
the difference, right?
I mean, obviously I've done alot of healing work.
Obviously I've done a lot ofhealing work, I've done a lot of
energy work on myself, butthere were certain patterns and
certain behaviors that when theychanged, it was like a night
(03:18):
and day, from where I was beforeto where I was after.
So we're going to talk aboutsome of those behaviors today
and I'm going to be sharing themwith you.
So take what you take whatresonates, leave the rest.
This is for you if you keep, youknow leaving behind
relationships, swearing that thenext one is going to be better,
only to attract the same orworse, which was my pattern.
(03:41):
Maybe you've just broken upwith the last douchebag du jour
and now you want to do betternext time, but and you're maybe
you're already even looking forhim, but you just want to make
sure that you know you're,you're, you're going about it
the right way so you can attractwhat it is that you really want
.
Or maybe you're already in thenext hot mess of a relationship
(04:01):
and you're wondering how thefuck you got into this mess
again, even though you swore upand down you weren't going to do
this.
Let's have a chat, okay.
So if this is you, if you keepleaving behind relationships,
swearing the next one is goingto be better, only to attract
the same or worse, I want tohear from you, okay, whether
it's happening now, whether it'shappened in the past, whether
(04:23):
it's a pattern that you justcan't break.
Dm me at TheFemCast, onInstagram, or you can email me
at mariaatthefemcoachcom.
I want to hear what your take onthis is what's happening.
Why do you think it's happening?
What have you tried to changeit?
Let me know I'm going to tryand answer as many questions as
I can in my DMs.
Um, I'm going to try and answeras many questions as I can as
(04:44):
my in my DM.
So I do try and get back toeveryone, but I do acknowledge
every message that I get.
So please don't ever feel likeyou're not being heard.
Um, and I'll.
I'll, usually, you'll.
You'll know whenever I do kindof I'll heart your comment and
I'll I do try and get back toeverybody that messages me.
So, just so you know, now we'regoing to be trying a few things
new this week.
What are the things that I wantto try doing?
Number one is I want to startsetting an intention before
(05:06):
every podcast.
And number two, I've actuallystarted pulling Oracle cards on
my Instagram every Sunday in mystory, so you'll need to be
following me to actually be ableto see those.
And the reason is I just wantto start bringing the magic back
.
I'm a very intuitive person.
How I got into this work is asan energy healer.
I'm a very intuitive person.
My, you know how I got intothis work is as an energy healer
.
I'm a master energy healer andpeople oftentimes when they when
(05:29):
they work with me.
They don't realize just howintuitive and energetic my work
really is.
And I think part of me, this ispart of me, this is part of my
healing, you guys, because Ithink part of me rejected all
putting all that energetic andthat intuitive and that woo-woo
stuff out there, because I wasalways afraid of what people
(05:50):
would think of me.
I always did it only in myprivate Facebook group.
I never really did it out inpublic.
Well, to fuck with that.
We're putting it out into theworld so, and it seems to be
going really well and it's niceto actually be able to channel
again.
So I hope you'll join me onInstagram for that.
The card polls are every Sundayon my stories.
I may start doing a poll onFriday for the weekend too, but
(06:13):
we'll see.
But anyway, I just want tostart setting an intention for
every podcast.
Okay, so if you can just take adeep breath right now, focus in
, do not close your eyes ifyou're driving, but if you're
not driving or operating, havingmachinery or whatever, you can
just, you know, close your eyes,take a deep breath, get
centered.
And I set the intention for andI'm putting my hand on my heart
(06:35):
May this episode meet youexactly where you are.
May it lead you exactly whereyou need to be, where you need
to be led.
May you hear what you need tobe, where you need to be led.
May you hear what you need tohear.
May it stir something deepwithin you.
May it shift a pattern, break acycle and bring you to a higher
perspective on the love and thelife that you deserve.
(06:56):
You are worthy, you arepowerful, you are enough.
Please hold that in your energy.
Let's dive in you guys.
Okay.
Hold that in your energy.
Let's dive in you guys.
Okay.
So that felt good.
Actually, I kind of like that.
Let's see how that goes.
I started to reflect on mypattern.
Okay, so what would the energywas?
(07:17):
I started to reflect on thedouchebags.
You guys, if you've beenfollowing me for a while, you've
listened to the douchebag eraseries.
If you haven't, go ahead andlisten to that, you'll
understand what I'm talkingabout.
So when I was knee deep in myDouchebag Era, I reflected back.
I'm like, okay, what was Idoing at the time that literally
kept attracting douchebag afterdouchebag after douchebag?
(07:38):
I'm like there's got to besomething that I was doing and
I'm kind of remembering whatstate I was in before I was
calling in these people into mylife and so I can.
I can guarantee 100% of thetime, 100% of the time I was
doing all of these three things.
Okay, number one I was stillbleeding from the last douchebag
(08:01):
.
Okay, I was out there trying tofind the replacement or the
substitute for the lastdouchebag.
That, like broke my heart andyou know I was crying, I was
heartbroken, I was feeling awfulabout myself, I was feeling
awful about the like where my,my love life, the trajectory of
(08:25):
my life, life as a whole, and Iwas just out there trying to
find the next fix.
With all this pain, with allthis hurt, with all this
insecurity, with all this, um,just not feeling good enough.
You know it was like it's likeall this stuff, um, just not
feeling good enough.
(08:45):
You know it was like it's likeall this stuff was going on on
the inside.
All this like discomfort, allthis, and I can feel it.
I can actually feel it comingup in my body right now.
Sorry guys, all this pain, allthis discomfort and, instead of
moving through it right, being agood energetic healer and being
(09:09):
a good, you know, healer andemotional energetics, just
ignored all the stuff that wasgoing on beneath the surface and
just was out there trying tofind the next one.
And there was such a desperationin that search Like it was.
Like it was like I don't know abear coming out of hibernation
(09:33):
looking for something to eat,like it was.
Just it was so desperatebecause it wasn't coming from a
place of feeling whole andfeeling ready to allow, in that,
you know, compatible other.
It was literally looking forthe medicine to fix what was
(09:53):
going on inside of me, right, soI was still bleeding from the
last guy.
I was desperately looking forthe next one.
And when you're desperate likethat you're, you know the rose
colored glasses become much moreopaque.
I mean, I think I'm always kind, I think I've always kind of
(10:16):
worn rose colored.
I'm a Taurus, so I'm alwayswearing rose colored glasses.
You guys and I always.
I do genuinely try to see thegood in all people.
But I think they become veryopaque in those moments Because
when you're desperately lookingfor the next person to stop the
bleeding, it's like yourstandards, you know, they get
(10:37):
compromised.
You guys like drastically andyou maybe think that you're out
there like holding these highstandards for yourself, but
you're not.
You're not because all the redflags are there and you're
ignoring every fucking one ofthem because of this one little
white flag.
Over here, he's got 30 redflags but one little white flag
and you're just focusing on thatone little.
(10:58):
But he's promised, but look,he's got this white flag and
this is everything that I'vewanted in this.
No, no, we have to look at thewhole human, okay, and you know
what?
Yes, unconditional love, andyou know whatever, and
acceptance for all.
But that doesn't mean you gotto let the red flags in.
(11:18):
You guys, like you, can stillset a boundary on red flags.
You can still set a standard.
No red flags, you know.
And I think that when we're inthat moment of desperation, we
make really bad decisions, notto mention, we attract really
bad energy.
Right, because now it's comingfrom need, it's coming from lack
(11:39):
, it's coming from.
I need your energy to soothe meemotionally, because I'm not
able to process my own.
I can't handle myself right now.
I can't handle what I'm feeling, so I need you to numb it, I
need you to distract me from it.
It's basically like looking foranother drug.
It's a drug in a different name.
(11:59):
So that's number two.
Number three, because of, youknow, this being the situation
where I was in, where I wasstill bleeding from the last guy
, I was desperately looking forthe guy to replace him.
And you know, and that you know, it was just this, this, this,
not a good place to be in, I wasalso feeling horrible about
(12:20):
myself.
Right, breakups do two things,like when, when we're not in an
empowered state, when we're theone that's kind of being hurt or
abandoned or rejected, or ifyou've been cheated on, lied to,
ghosted, whatever you know,whatever the story is, those
will do two things.
Number one they're going tobreak your heart and you're
going to, you know, miss thatthe person's not there anymore
(12:43):
and you know you have to healthat part of it.
But then there's also thisother side, where you know if
you've been a people pleaser andif you're not really solid in
your worth and belief in who youare and your value and what you
bring to a relationship, thatis going to seriously take a
fucking hit.
Like I'm talking, this is worsethan the heartbreak piece, but
this is the piece we oftenignore.
(13:04):
Is that, when we go throughthese relationship cycles right,
where we're just douchebagafter douchebag after douchebag,
like it does a number on ourself-worth Guys.
When I left, when I finally likeended that douchebag era and
said that's it, I'm not fuckingdating anybody until I'm a
magnet for healthy, like loving,relationships my self-worth how
(13:30):
do I put this?
I think in that moment it wouldprobably took a spike up
because I think I woke up right.
So I think in that moment itwas like a wake up call.
And when we have those,suddenly we see like a spike or
a surge kind of upward.
So maybe the moment just beforethat where I hit my rock bottom
when it comes to so I was inthe depth, like I'm positive, I
was in the deficit, like I couldnot have been lower in the
(13:56):
worth and the value withinmyself and what I bring to
relationships.
And so you know, when we go outinto the playing field with that
type of low self-worth and lowvalue in ourselves, we're bound
to attract people who aren'tgood for us Because we're not
looking first of all, we seeeverybody as superior to us.
(14:19):
So it's always going to have atoxic imbalance because we've
already put them on a pedestalbefore we've even met them and
sometimes we put like thesereally gross characters on a
pedestal.
Sorry, no offense, but you knowwhat I mean.
Like sometimes we find theseguys where it's like our friends
are looking at us, like whatthe fuck do you see in this guy
(14:46):
Right?
And meanwhile we've got him onthis pedestal right, and it's
because we feel so low aboutourselves and now so again
making bad choices from thisplace, but also just ready to
self-abandon ourselves again andagain in order to keep these
relationships, whether or notwe've even attempted to consider
if they're the right partnerfor us, which nine times out of
(15:08):
10, when we're in this position,we don't.
We just need a partner.
You know, when we're in thisposition, we just need the
person and our real, onlycriteria is to.
Probably I would guess if I hadany criteria, it would have been
to be attracted to him.
There, there we go.
You're cute, I'm cute, I'mattracted to you.
(15:28):
Let's get married and havechildren.
Like it's that simple.
You know there was no lookingat the whole person and who he
was and how he showed up and howhe treated me and how he moved
through life, and you know howemotionally mature he was.
Like all these were not evenpart of the fucking conversation
, like they didn't even make itto the table, you know, let
(15:50):
alone be part of theconversation.
So you know, those were thethree patterns Still bleeding
from the last guy, desperatelylooking for the one, the next
one to stop the bleeding, andneeding him to stop the bleeding
.
And also needing him todistract me from my own, not
distract me to make me feelloved and worthy, because I
(16:12):
could not feel that for myself.
Okay, that is what kept me onthat douchebag merry-go-round
that I was on for so long.
Now, fast forward, right aftermy whole relationship hiatus and
(16:32):
even actually the last couplebefore I went on the hiatus,
because I feel like that's whereI started to really work on
myself and work on my self-worthand really start to pay
attention to who I am and what Ibring to the relationship.
And so I actually started tosee things shift before my
hiatus.
(16:52):
And then I went on my hiatusbecause I felt like I wanted to
go deeper.
And then, on the other side ofthe hiatus, you know, just
amazing, incredible things.
But when I look at myrelationships after I changed my
energy and how I show up forthese relationships and how I
(17:12):
invite them into my space, ithas been a night and day
difference, no-transcript.
(17:43):
You know, always thinking thatit was going to amount to
something and that eventually hewould see how much he loves me.
He's just afraid.
He's afraid to let.
That was my favorite excuse.
My favorite excuse was he'sjust afraid of how much he loves
me and his feelings for mebecause he's not used to being
vulnerable.
That was my favorite one.
If you've ever said this toyourself, please run from
(18:04):
whatever relationship you'retalking about, because it's not
true.
There's no such thing.
I've actually learned that menactually do love to be in
relationship and love to bevulnerable and love to be
affectionate and love to justlike shower you with affection
and attention when they're ready, right.
These are just all lies that wetell ourselves to keep.
(18:26):
Maybe one out of 10, maybe hasa really hard time.
But you know, like I always saythis you know, are you going to
wait?
If he, if he, if he's, if hehas a problem with being
vulnerable and being inrelationship, then he's
emotionally unavailable.
Like, do you get that, even ifhe does love you, he can love
you?
I've been in relationship withmen who totally loved me but
(18:48):
they were emotionallyunavailable because they could
not be vulnerable.
They had too much stuff goingon and being in relationship
with them was the most isolatingfeeling I've ever experienced,
not to mention it took themforever to come around.
So if you want to like I mean,it's up to you, it's totally up
to you I would invite you to youknow, seek out the people who
(19:14):
are ready and not just ready.
Ready and not just readyexcited to shower you with
affection and attention and youknow all the things that you've
been longing for and trying tosqueeze out of a stone when it's
actually readily available Lovenotes in your DMs.
(19:37):
I've met people in the mostmagical places, like randomly on
beaches.
One guy practically trippedover me was I was like
sunbathing on the beach in Baliand well, I mean, he says he
tripped over.
I don't know if he tripped over, I think it was probably just
to you know, pick up, butwhatever.
But honestly, like beautiful,amazing, attentive men who
(19:58):
talked to me, who looked deeplyinto my eyes when I was
answering, who listened to whatI was saying, who were
vulnerable and affectionate andpassionate, and all the things
that I'd been missing for solong, and they are out there and
they exist, and I'm here togive you hope and know you don't
have to.
You know I don't believe thatyou have to be online in order
(20:20):
to find them.
Like I said, I found these guysin the most random places.
One of them I did actually meetonline, and you know, two I had
met on the beach.
No, sorry, two I met online andtwo I had met on the beach.
So it's a tie.
But all that to say, you know,when I met them, I was in a very
(20:42):
different place than when I metthe other D bags.
Okay, um, and maybe I'll do anepisode just on my favorite love
stories, cause I think they'repretty fucking epic Um, however,
um, the energy that I was inwhen I met all four was in stark
(21:03):
contrast to where I was when Imet the D-backs.
So, number one, you know I tooka time out between partners,
however long it needed to be, tosort through what was going on
with me emotionally, whether Iwas feeling hurt, whether I was
feeling sad.
You know whether I was stillkind of, you know, longing for
(21:25):
them, even though you know,maybe I broke up with them and I
knew it was the right decision.
Like right now I'm in aposition where, you know, I
recently broke up with somebody,I knew it was the right
decision and I feel good aboutthe decision that I made.
But I still have some lingering,you know, not regret, but I
still kind of look back.
(21:45):
I still miss him.
It still feels like a breakingof a habit.
I know it sounds horrible tosay, but you know there's still
that residual the letting gopiece sometimes takes a while,
even if it's the right decisionfor you, you know, especially if
there's love there.
You know I find oftentimes, youknow when we get angry or you
(22:07):
know someone lets us down, it'sso much easier.
But in this situation, you knowthere's still like just so much
love there and there's.
You know there's still likejust so much love there and
there's he.
You know there's love from himand I have love for him.
And you know it just makes itharder to break because it would
be so easy just to fall backinto old patterns and old
situations, even though I knowthey're not meant for me, like
(22:30):
they're not the right, they'renot what I want.
No, they're not meant for me,like they're not the right,
they're not what I want in thislife.
So you know it's constantlyagain.
It's constantly choosing meagain and again, and again, and
every time I think of wanting togo back and wanting to, you
know, maybe second guess if Imade the right decision, or yeah
, but it would be so easy.
(22:50):
He loves me, I love him.
Why not?
You know it would be so easy.
He loves me, I love him.
Why not?
You know it would be so easy togo back, and yet every time
it's like no, but I need tochoose me now.
You know.
Now you know this is thepattern, this is how we break
that cycle.
So, you know, really taking thattime out, however long, you
need to be to feel like yourenergy is clean and unattached
(23:16):
to any past story, any pastexperience, any past hurt or
heartache or loss or grief, orlonging or missing.
You want to always enter thesespaces with clear energy, with
clear, open energy.
And when I say open, you knowopen means many things.
(23:39):
You know.
For me, open means you know thewilling to be vulnerable.
Yes, of course, it's thewilling to be vulnerable, but
also, you know, having somediscernment in terms of who you
let in, like being careful, likeyou always want to be open, but
still, you know, be logicalabout.
You know who you're openingyourself up to.
You know not everybody deservesyour heart.
(24:03):
You've got a beautiful heart,my friend, if you're listening
to this podcast.
So not everyone deserves it,you know.
So you need to be a littlediscerning about who you let in.
So boundaries are important,discernment is important, but
being open-hearted and open topossibility is also important,
and also part of beingopen-hearted means letting go of
whatever heartache or pain orhurt you've experienced in the
past.
Right, and that's often whatblocks our openness without even
(24:27):
thinking, because we build allthese walls around our heart,
making it very hard to lethealthy relationships come in.
So I took the time out, I did myhealing work, I did my energy
work, I did all the things youknow to make sure that I was
free and clear and ready to bein relationship.
And this was not intentionaland this is the important thing.
(24:49):
This is number two.
I wasn't looking at all atgetting involved.
I wasn't looking for arelationship.
I was just practicing beingpresent and enjoying the moment
fully and being myself andliving my best life, and that is
what attracted these partnersevery fucking time.
And I'm telling you, I met themin the most random, freaking
(25:10):
places.
Two of them I met online.
One of them.
I, you know, practicallytripped two of them.
I met on the beach.
One of them practicallypretended to trip over me, which
I sold to this day.
You know I joke that it was, itwas all an act, he was just
trying to get my attention.
But anyway, you know which youknow, oftentimes we get into
(25:32):
this mindset that well, we haveto be on, you don't have to be
online, you just have to be outliving, right?
No, you're not going to meethim on your sofa at home, in
your pajamas.
You know watching, you knowReal Housewives, right Rewinds,
over and over again, or, um,what's it called?
Vanderpump, which I still loveto watch you guys?
(25:53):
Um, I'm so upset over thereboot.
Oh my God, I could not be moreupset about that.
But anyway, all that to say,you know you're not going to
meet him on your sofa.
Well, actually my friend did,actually her, her, her partner.
I shared her story on thepodcast.
She was on here, I think lastyear.
(26:17):
I shared her story howliterally her now husband
actually knocked on her frontdoor because he was looking to
rent a room they had for friends.
So, okay, so it actually canhappen, but it's very unlikely.
So here's what I'm going toencourage you to do, and here's
what I was doing.
I was literally just going outand living my best life.
I was doing the things that Iwanted to do for me, that were
important to me, that were thatI had desired, that I had put on
my, on my vision board for avery long time.
(26:38):
You know, whether it wastraveling through Asia, whether
it was, you know.
You know getting my placedowntown, whether it was, you
know, starting my business,whether it was.
You know, doing the things thatI love doing, like getting out
and hiking and meeting people.
You know, hanging out at thebeach.
(27:00):
You know all the things that Ilove to do and that make me me.
Those are the things that I wasgetting out and making sure
that I was doing, and every time, that's how I attracted these
people into my life.
So, rather than looking, ifyou're looking here's my theory
(27:24):
you can be open to thepossibility of meeting someone,
but without looking right,you're open to the possibility
of meeting someone you'reopening up the channels, right.
So maybe that channel for youis online dating.
Maybe that channel for you is,you know, going out and doing
the things that you enjoy doingor joining a club or whatever.
So you open the channels butthen you leave it at that.
(27:45):
Right, when you show up tothese events, you know whether
it's a mixer or whether it's.
You know you're going to thebeach with your friends or
you're going on a hike andyou're looking around to see
who's there and who like, okay,I'm here, I'm doing me, I'm
doing my things.
(28:05):
Where is he?
No, you got to just actuallyjust really enjoy the moment,
really be present, really justbe out there living your best
life and trust that he'll comearound when the time is right
and you just kind of let that.
You have to let that go andjust live your best life and
enjoy each and every moment asbest you can.
And that's, I think, was thekey for me, you know.
And then the third thing thatevery time was the case is I met
(28:34):
them at a time when I wastaking excellent care of myself,
choosing myself, prioritizingmy needs, just like rocking the
self-care and the self-lovevibes, you know.
And this is not about beingperfect.
This is not about losingwhatever amount of weight you
have to lose, or you know howmuch you make or what you look
(28:57):
like, or what your hair like.
Yes, all these things you knowwe take.
It's nice to take care in ourappearance.
I think it always, you know, Idon't, I don't care if you're a
man or a woman I think when wetake care and take pride in our
appearance, it elevates how weshow up.
And so for me, like, if youknow me, like you'll know, like
(29:18):
when I get up in the morning, Iget dressed as if I'm going out.
I'll put on a little bit ofmakeup, I'll get dressed.
I mean, I'll wear comfy clothes, but they're nice, comfy.
And people are like, why do youget dressed up in the house?
And it's like, because I don'tdress for other people, I dress
(29:39):
for me.
Like I dress because I love tofeel good.
I love to feel good in what I'mwearing.
You know, I don't like to feellike I'm in my pajamas all day.
It's not a good feeling for me.
Um, so I and I honor that, youknow, um, and so you know,
taking excellent care ofyourself.
What are those things that youknow have been gnawing at you,
that you've been, you know, kindof picking at your brain,
saying, hey, you got to do this,hey, you got to do that.
Hey, come on now.
(30:00):
You know you need to do this.
You're like, okay, okay, yeah,I'll get to that, I'll get to
that.
And you keep putting it off andyou keep putting all your focus
on this relationship, orattracting a relationship, or
finding a relationship, whatever.
Meanwhile, all these otherthings, these priorities, these
things that are important to you, that are important to how you
feel about yourself as a personand how you show up in the world
(30:21):
, you're abandoning every singletime because you're too busy
waiting for wondering if, blah,blah, blah, this guy's going to
be the one, where you're goingto find the one.
Where's the next guy going tocome from?
You know you have to startputting you first, taking care
of you.
What do you need?
What promises have you beenmaking to yourself that you've
(30:43):
not been keeping?
Where have you been?
You know, feeling the pull tostart to take better care of
yourself that you haven't been.
You know, really, look at thesethings because I'm telling you,
every time I met these guys, Iwas in a period of just like,
just pouring all the love ontomyself.
You know, just making myselfthe center of my universe.
(31:06):
And oftentimes I will say thiswhen the energy in these
relationships started to shift,it was because I started to
self-abandon and I started tomake them the focus and I
quickly and this is listen, thisis not a game, this is not
about playing mind games withpeople.
That's different.
We're talking energy.
Whenever you give more energyto someone else than you give to
(31:26):
yourself, when there's animbalance in energetic, whenever
you start to make how do I putthis?
Whenever you start to put yourfocus and your intention more so
on somebody else other thanyourself, you create an
energetic imbalance and thatenergetic imbalance will
translate into the relationship.
(31:46):
So what's important for you isto yes, we love to give in our
relationships.
We love to give, we love tonurture, we love to take care of
our people Great, what are youalso going to do for yourself?
Because you have to do both.
You can't always be giving,giving, giving, giving, giving,
because then you'll never beable to receive, and that often
creates the biggest blocks inour relationship.
(32:07):
So when I met these amazingpeople, I took the time out, I
healed, I cleared up my side ofthe fence and made sure it was
nice and clean, not to beconfused with keeping the garden
clean, although that's reallygood to do too, leaves you
feeling nice and good.
But no, I, you know I, took thetime out.
(32:30):
I did my healing work, madesure my energy was clear and
open and ready.
I, you know, wasn took the timeout, I did my healing work,
made sure my energy was clearand open and ready.
I, you know, wasn't looking forany relationship.
I had set the intention that Iwas, you know, available for a
relationship.
But, you know, in the process,I was out there just living my
best life and doing my own thingand I was prioritizing me, I
was prioritizing my self-care,and those three things made all
(32:58):
the difference in the quality ofpeople that I was attracting.
And so, for me, this time around, now that I've actually
articulated this and I can seeit clearly, I can see the
pattern so clearly, now I'mbeing really mindful about it.
I am taking my time and I feellike, you know, I've kind of set
the intention.
Okay, you know what?
Yeah, I am out there and I'm,I'm, I'm open, I'm energetically
(33:18):
opening myself up to the nextpartner.
I've already started, you know,kind of writing a new story,
what I would want it to looklike, and I'm going to invite
you guys on that journey.
But there's a um.
There's a pinned post on myInstagram on how to use um
ChatGP Teacher right out and newlove story.
It's so magical, you guys, youhave to try it.
(33:39):
Um, so I've been doing thatpractice and it feels amazing
and absolutely I'm calling it anew partner, but also I'm taking
the time to heal.
I'm not actively out therebecause I know there's a part of
me that's still kind of missingthe last guy and I feel like,
no, you know what?
There's still some detachingthat needs to happen there.
So I'm going to give it thetime that it needs in order to
do that and in the meantime, Iam trying to live my best life,
(34:00):
although right now I'm kind ofsnowed in because we got
pummeled with snow, but yeah,but I actually love the snow, so
I'm really happy about that.
One of the things that I did formyself was go out for a walk in
the snow yesterday, like it wasjust so magical, you know, and
I'm trying to take better careof myself, because I've not been
taking care of myself, you guys, ever since my mom got sick.
(34:21):
It has been something that has,you know, really been on the
back burner.
My health has taken a hit, myfitness has taken a hit.
I probably never put on so muchweight in my entire life and my
body just does not feel good.
So that, right now, is my mainfocus and priority, is trying to
get my health back in shape,and this is not about a number
(34:42):
on a scale or a size of clothing.
It is literally about how Ifeel, because right now, things
just don't feel good, likethere's aches and pains and
discomforts and things happeningthat should not be happening,
so, um and that, and that is alla by-product of me letting go
of my self-care habits.
(35:04):
So, and that's what I'm doingand that's how I'm moving
through it, and this is how I've.
This is, this is the processthat I've used again and again
and again to shift the qualityof partners, that I've been
again and again and again, toshift the quality of partners
that I've been attracting.
You treat people how to treatyou, you guys.
So if you keep treatingyourself like you need somebody
(35:25):
there, you feel desperate orafraid not to have anyone.
You need someone to stop thebleed from the last guy, or to
make you feel good aboutyourself, or to make you feel
whole again or to make you feellovable or good enough.
You're going to keep attractingpeople who do the exact
opposite.
So do yourself a favor stopgoing out there, stop looking,
(35:46):
stop trying and look at yourselfand all the things inside of
yourself that you've beenavoiding.
That is the work that actuallybrings you closer to the other
person.
We keep thinking that the workis somewhere outside of us.
It's not, it's inside.
As with In, so Without.
When you come into yourself andyou come to fully embrace and
accept yourself and come intounion with who you are and how
(36:10):
you're meant to express yourselfin the world, that's when the
partner comes in.
Ain't no amount of chasing orrunning around out there trying
to find the person to fill thatvoid, you know, going to make
that amazing love story thatyou've been craving your entire
life, you know.
So that is my thought on that.
(36:32):
So again, um, dm me at thefemcast on instagram, or you can
email me at maria at thefemcoachcom.
Let me know how this resonatesand if you love this episode.
It would mean the world to meif you would leave a positive
rating and review on applepodcast or spotify or wherever
you're seeing this episode.
You guys, until next time.
(36:53):
Massive love.
Hey you guys, what is up?
Welcome back to the show.
I'm so excited and grateful tohave you here.
Welcome if you're new.
We're gonna try and get throughthis.
I've tried to record this threetimes now and every time I have
to stop and start again becausethere's all kinds of train and
engines and things going onbehind me.
I have no idea what's going ontoday, but it's like the
(00:22):
freaking Easter parade over here.
But anyway, I digress.
So today I wanted to talk abouthow I learned to attract a
better partner next time andevery time and you know, like
hands up, if you've been herebecause I know I've been here a
gazillion times where you knowyou go through your hot mess,
(00:44):
douchebag du jour, right, you'rekind of left on the.
You know you're left on theflip side, broken, crying.
You know, maybe you broke upwith him, maybe he broke up with
you, maybe he cheated, or maybehe ghosted, or maybe it was a
combination of all of the above,I don't know, but either way,
you're like just a mess.
(01:04):
You're like a hot mess on theother end and you're swearing to
your best friend.
I am never going to do thisagain.
No, the next one is going to bekind to me, he's going to treat
me with respect, he's going toopen doors.
He's not going to lie, he's notgoing to cheat.
He's, you know, he's going toshow up for me.
Like you, really really like,you start to set these really
high standards for who you wantand not to say that they're bad
(01:26):
to set high standards, not whatwe're talking about but you
start to set these highstandards for who you want.
The next time around you, yougo out and try and find him and
you think you find him mostoften, and then only to end up
with the same, if not worse thanthe last guy.
I was in this pattern for whatfelt like a fucking lifetime,
(01:47):
you guys.
And so I was thinking aboutthat, and I was talking about
that with a friend of mine theother day, and you know the kind
of people we used to attractback in the day, and you know, I
started reflecting on some ofthe people that I'd been
attracting into my life recently, in the last couple of years,
and I'm like, wow, what was thebig difference?
(02:08):
Because the last few peoplethat I've manifested were really
like.
I mean, they weren't the one,but they were just these amazing
love stories, and I wanted that.
I wanted when I left myloveless relationship where I
felt like I was getting no lovewhatsoever and I felt completely
neglected and cast aside andcompletely unseen the only thing
(02:30):
in the world that I wanted.
I want the passion back in mylife, I want romance, I want
these amazing, magicalrelationships that I can, like
you, know, savor and rememberfor the rest of my life.
And that's exactly what I endedup manifesting.
And some of these relationshipswere phenomenal, Like I feel
like I could write a book juston.
Like some of theserelationships, they didn't stand
(02:52):
the test of time, but they wereamazing, amazing, amazing
experiences, and so I was kindof reflecting you know, what was
the difference, right?
I mean, obviously I've done alot of healing work.
Obviously I've done a lot ofhealing work, I've done a lot of
energy work on myself, butthere were certain patterns and
certain behaviors that when theychanged, it was like a night
(03:18):
and day, from where I was beforeto where I was after.
So we're going to talk aboutsome of those behaviors today
and I'm going to be sharing themwith you.
So take what you take whatresonates, leave the rest.
This is for you if you keep, youknow leaving behind
relationships, swearing that thenext one is going to be better,
only to attract the same orworse, which was my pattern.
(03:41):
Maybe you've just broken upwith the last douchebag du jour
and now you want to do betternext time, but and you're maybe
you're already even looking forhim, but you just want to make
sure that you know you're,you're, you're going about it
the right way so you can attractwhat it is that you really want
.
Or maybe you're already in thenext hot mess of a relationship
(04:01):
and you're wondering how thefuck you got into this mess
again, even though you swore upand down you weren't going to do
this.
Let's have a chat, okay.
So if this is you, if you keepleaving behind relationships,
swearing the next one is goingto be better, only to attract
the same or worse, I want tohear from you, okay, whether
it's happening now, whether it'shappened in the past, whether
(04:23):
it's a pattern that you justcan't break.
Dm me at TheFemCast, onInstagram, or you can email me
at mariaatthefemcoachcom.
I want to hear what your take onthis is what's happening.
Why do you think it's happening?
What have you tried to changeit?
Let me know I'm going to tryand answer as many questions as
I can in my DMs.
Um, I'm going to try and answeras many questions as I can as
(04:44):
my in my DM.
So I do try and get back toeveryone, but I do acknowledge
every message that I get.
So please don't ever feel likeyou're not being heard.
Um, and I'll.
I'll, usually, you'll.
You'll know whenever I do kindof I'll heart your comment and
I'll I do try and get back toeverybody that messages me.
So, just so you know, now we'regoing to be trying a few things
new this week.
What are the things that I wantto try doing?
Number one is I want to startsetting an intention before
(05:06):
every podcast.
And number two, I've actuallystarted pulling Oracle cards on
my Instagram every Sunday in mystory, so you'll need to be
following me to actually be ableto see those.
And the reason is I just wantto start bringing the magic back
.
I'm a very intuitive person.
How I got into this work is asan energy healer.
I'm a very intuitive person.
My, you know how I got intothis work is as an energy healer
.
I'm a master energy healer andpeople oftentimes when they when
(05:29):
they work with me.
They don't realize just howintuitive and energetic my work
really is.
And I think part of me, this ispart of me, this is part of my
healing, you guys, because Ithink part of me rejected all
putting all that energetic andthat intuitive and that woo-woo
stuff out there, because I wasalways afraid of what people
(05:50):
would think of me.
I always did it only in myprivate Facebook group.
I never really did it out inpublic.
Well, to fuck with that.
We're putting it out into theworld so, and it seems to be
going really well and it's niceto actually be able to channel
again.
So I hope you'll join me onInstagram for that.
The card polls are every Sundayon my stories.
I may start doing a poll onFriday for the weekend too, but
(06:13):
we'll see.
But anyway, I just want tostart setting an intention for
every podcast.
Okay, so if you can just take adeep breath right now, focus in
, do not close your eyes ifyou're driving, but if you're
not driving or operating, havingmachinery or whatever, you can
just, you know, close your eyes,take a deep breath, get
centered.
And I set the intention for andI'm putting my hand on my heart
(06:35):
May this episode meet youexactly where you are.
May it lead you exactly whereyou need to be, where you need
to be led.
May you hear what you need tobe, where you need to be led.
May you hear what you need tohear.
May it stir something deepwithin you.
May it shift a pattern, break acycle and bring you to a higher
perspective on the love and thelife that you deserve.
(06:56):
You are worthy, you arepowerful, you are enough.
Please hold that in your energy.
Let's dive in you guys.
Okay.
Hold that in your energy.
Let's dive in you guys.
Okay.
So that felt good.
Actually, I kind of like that.
Let's see how that goes.
I started to reflect on mypattern.
Okay, so what would the energywas?
(07:17):
I started to reflect on thedouchebags.
You guys, if you've beenfollowing me for a while, you've
listened to the douchebag eraseries.
If you haven't, go ahead andlisten to that, you'll
understand what I'm talkingabout.
So when I was knee deep in myDouchebag Era, I reflected back.
I'm like, okay, what was Idoing at the time that literally
kept attracting douchebag afterdouchebag after douchebag?
(07:38):
I'm like there's got to besomething that I was doing and
I'm kind of remembering whatstate I was in before I was
calling in these people into mylife and so I can.
I can guarantee 100% of thetime, 100% of the time I was
doing all of these three things.
Okay, number one I was stillbleeding from the last douchebag
(08:01):
.
Okay, I was out there trying tofind the replacement or the
substitute for the lastdouchebag.
That, like broke my heart andyou know I was crying, I was
heartbroken, I was feeling awfulabout myself, I was feeling
awful about the like where my,my love life, the trajectory of
(08:25):
my life, life as a whole, and Iwas just out there trying to
find the next fix.
With all this pain, with allthis hurt, with all this
insecurity, with all this, um,just not feeling good enough.
You know it was like it's likeall this stuff, um, just not
feeling good enough.
(08:45):
You know it was like it's likeall this stuff was going on on
the inside.
All this like discomfort, allthis, and I can feel it.
I can actually feel it comingup in my body right now.
Sorry guys, all this pain, allthis discomfort and, instead of
moving through it right, being agood energetic healer and being
(09:09):
a good, you know, healer andemotional energetics, just
ignored all the stuff that wasgoing on beneath the surface and
just was out there trying tofind the next one.
And there was such a desperationin that search Like it was.
Like it was like I don't know abear coming out of hibernation
(09:33):
looking for something to eat,like it was.
Just it was so desperatebecause it wasn't coming from a
place of feeling whole andfeeling ready to allow, in that,
you know, compatible other.
It was literally looking forthe medicine to fix what was
(09:53):
going on inside of me, right, soI was still bleeding from the
last guy.
I was desperately looking forthe next one.
And when you're desperate likethat you're, you know the rose
colored glasses become much moreopaque.
I mean, I think I'm always kind, I think I've always kind of
(10:16):
worn rose colored.
I'm a Taurus, so I'm alwayswearing rose colored glasses.
You guys and I always.
I do genuinely try to see thegood in all people.
But I think they become veryopaque in those moments Because
when you're desperately lookingfor the next person to stop the
bleeding, it's like yourstandards, you know, they get
(10:37):
compromised.
You guys like drastically andyou maybe think that you're out
there like holding these highstandards for yourself, but
you're not.
You're not because all the redflags are there and you're
ignoring every fucking one ofthem because of this one little
white flag.
Over here, he's got 30 redflags but one little white flag
and you're just focusing on thatone little.
(10:58):
But he's promised, but look,he's got this white flag and
this is everything that I'vewanted in this.
No, no, we have to look at thewhole human, okay, and you know
what?
Yes, unconditional love, andyou know whatever, and
acceptance for all.
But that doesn't mean you gotto let the red flags in.
(11:18):
You guys, like you, can stillset a boundary on red flags.
You can still set a standard.
No red flags, you know.
And I think that when we're inthat moment of desperation, we
make really bad decisions, notto mention, we attract really
bad energy.
Right, because now it's comingfrom need, it's coming from lack
(11:39):
, it's coming from.
I need your energy to soothe meemotionally, because I'm not
able to process my own.
I can't handle myself right now.
I can't handle what I'm feeling, so I need you to numb it, I
need you to distract me from it.
It's basically like looking foranother drug.
It's a drug in a different name.
(11:59):
So that's number two.
Number three, because of, youknow, this being the situation
where I was in, where I wasstill bleeding from the last guy
, I was desperately looking forthe guy to replace him.
And you know, and that you know, it was just this, this, this,
not a good place to be in, I wasalso feeling horrible about
(12:20):
myself.
Right, breakups do two things,like when, when we're not in an
empowered state, when we're theone that's kind of being hurt or
abandoned or rejected, or ifyou've been cheated on, lied to,
ghosted, whatever you know,whatever the story is, those
will do two things.
Number one they're going tobreak your heart and you're
going to, you know, miss thatthe person's not there anymore
(12:43):
and you know you have to healthat part of it.
But then there's also thisother side, where you know if
you've been a people pleaser andif you're not really solid in
your worth and belief in who youare and your value and what you
bring to a relationship, thatis going to seriously take a
fucking hit.
Like I'm talking, this is worsethan the heartbreak piece, but
this is the piece we oftenignore.
(13:04):
Is that, when we go throughthese relationship cycles right,
where we're just douchebagafter douchebag after douchebag,
like it does a number on ourself-worth Guys.
When I left, when I finally likeended that douchebag era and
said that's it, I'm not fuckingdating anybody until I'm a
magnet for healthy, like loving,relationships my self-worth how
(13:30):
do I put this?
I think in that moment it wouldprobably took a spike up
because I think I woke up right.
So I think in that moment itwas like a wake up call.
And when we have those,suddenly we see like a spike or
a surge kind of upward.
So maybe the moment just beforethat where I hit my rock bottom
when it comes to so I was inthe depth, like I'm positive, I
was in the deficit, like I couldnot have been lower in the
(13:56):
worth and the value withinmyself and what I bring to
relationships.
And so you know, when we go outinto the playing field with that
type of low self-worth and lowvalue in ourselves, we're bound
to attract people who aren'tgood for us Because we're not
looking first of all, we seeeverybody as superior to us.
(14:19):
So it's always going to have atoxic imbalance because we've
already put them on a pedestalbefore we've even met them and
sometimes we put like thesereally gross characters on a
pedestal.
Sorry, no offense, but you knowwhat I mean.
Like sometimes we find theseguys where it's like our friends
are looking at us, like whatthe fuck do you see in this guy
(14:46):
Right?
And meanwhile we've got him onthis pedestal right, and it's
because we feel so low aboutourselves and now so again
making bad choices from thisplace, but also just ready to
self-abandon ourselves again andagain in order to keep these
relationships, whether or notwe've even attempted to consider
if they're the right partnerfor us, which nine times out of
(15:08):
10, when we're in this position,we don't.
We just need a partner.
You know, when we're in thisposition, we just need the
person and our real, onlycriteria is to.
Probably I would guess if I hadany criteria, it would have been
to be attracted to him.
There, there we go.
You're cute, I'm cute, I'mattracted to you.
(15:28):
Let's get married and havechildren.
Like it's that simple.
You know there was no lookingat the whole person and who he
was and how he showed up and howhe treated me and how he moved
through life, and you know howemotionally mature he was.
Like all these were not evenpart of the fucking conversation
, like they didn't even make itto the table, you know, let
(15:50):
alone be part of theconversation.
So you know, those were thethree patterns Still bleeding
from the last guy, desperatelylooking for the one, the next
one to stop the bleeding, andneeding him to stop the bleeding
.
And also needing him todistract me from my own, not
distract me to make me feelloved and worthy, because I
(16:12):
could not feel that for myself.
Okay, that is what kept me onthat douchebag merry-go-round
that I was on for so long.
Now, fast forward, right aftermy whole relationship hiatus and
(16:32):
even actually the last couplebefore I went on the hiatus,
because I feel like that's whereI started to really work on
myself and work on my self-worthand really start to pay
attention to who I am and what Ibring to the relationship.
And so I actually started tosee things shift before my
hiatus.
(16:52):
And then I went on my hiatusbecause I felt like I wanted to
go deeper.
And then, on the other side ofthe hiatus, you know, just
amazing, incredible things.
But when I look at myrelationships after I changed my
energy and how I show up forthese relationships and how I
(17:12):
invite them into my space, ithas been a night and day
difference, no-transcript.
(17:43):
You know, always thinking thatit was going to amount to
something and that eventually hewould see how much he loves me.
He's just afraid.
He's afraid to let.
That was my favorite excuse.
My favorite excuse was he'sjust afraid of how much he loves
me and his feelings for mebecause he's not used to being
vulnerable.
That was my favorite one.
If you've ever said this toyourself, please run from
(18:04):
whatever relationship you'retalking about, because it's not
true.
There's no such thing.
I've actually learned that menactually do love to be in
relationship and love to bevulnerable and love to be
affectionate and love to justlike shower you with affection
and attention when they're ready, right.
These are just all lies that wetell ourselves to keep.
(18:26):
Maybe one out of 10, maybe hasa really hard time.
But you know, like I always saythis you know, are you going to
wait?
If he, if he, if he's, if hehas a problem with being
vulnerable and being inrelationship, then he's
emotionally unavailable.
Like, do you get that, even ifhe does love you, he can love
you?
I've been in relationship withmen who totally loved me but
(18:48):
they were emotionallyunavailable because they could
not be vulnerable.
They had too much stuff goingon and being in relationship
with them was the most isolatingfeeling I've ever experienced,
not to mention it took themforever to come around.
So if you want to like I mean,it's up to you, it's totally up
to you I would invite you to youknow, seek out the people who
(19:14):
are ready and not just ready.
Ready and not just readyexcited to shower you with
affection and attention and youknow all the things that you've
been longing for and trying tosqueeze out of a stone when it's
actually readily available Lovenotes in your DMs.
(19:37):
I've met people in the mostmagical places, like randomly on
beaches.
One guy practically trippedover me was I was like
sunbathing on the beach in Baliand well, I mean, he says he
tripped over.
I don't know if he tripped over, I think it was probably just
to you know, pick up, butwhatever.
But honestly, like beautiful,amazing, attentive men who
(19:58):
talked to me, who looked deeplyinto my eyes when I was
answering, who listened to whatI was saying, who were
vulnerable and affectionate andpassionate, and all the things
that I'd been missing for solong, and they are out there and
they exist, and I'm here togive you hope and know you don't
have to.
You know I don't believe thatyou have to be online in order
(20:20):
to find them.
Like I said, I found these guysin the most random places.
One of them I did actually meetonline, and you know, two I had
met on the beach.
No, sorry, two I met online andtwo I had met on the beach.
So it's a tie.
But all that to say, you know,when I met them, I was in a very
(20:42):
different place than when I metthe other D bags.
Okay, um, and maybe I'll do anepisode just on my favorite love
stories, cause I think they'repretty fucking epic Um, however,
um, the energy that I was inwhen I met all four was in stark
(21:03):
contrast to where I was when Imet the D-backs.
So, number one, you know I tooka time out between partners,
however long it needed to be, tosort through what was going on
with me emotionally, whether Iwas feeling hurt, whether I was
feeling sad.
You know whether I was stillkind of, you know, longing for
(21:25):
them, even though you know,maybe I broke up with them and I
knew it was the right decision.
Like right now I'm in aposition where, you know, I
recently broke up with somebody,I knew it was the right
decision and I feel good aboutthe decision that I made.
But I still have some lingering,you know, not regret, but I
still kind of look back.
(21:45):
I still miss him.
It still feels like a breakingof a habit.
I know it sounds horrible tosay, but you know there's still
that residual the letting gopiece sometimes takes a while,
even if it's the right decisionfor you, you know, especially if
there's love there.
You know I find oftentimes, youknow when we get angry or you
(22:07):
know someone lets us down, it'sso much easier.
But in this situation, you knowthere's still like just so much
love there and there's.
You know there's still likejust so much love there and
there's he.
You know there's love from himand I have love for him.
And you know it just makes itharder to break because it would
be so easy just to fall backinto old patterns and old
situations, even though I knowthey're not meant for me, like
(22:30):
they're not the right, they'renot what I want.
No, they're not meant for me,like they're not the right,
they're not what I want in thislife.
So you know it's constantlyagain.
It's constantly choosing meagain and again, and again, and
every time I think of wanting togo back and wanting to, you
know, maybe second guess if Imade the right decision, or yeah
, but it would be so easy.
(22:50):
He loves me, I love him.
Why not?
You know it would be so easy.
He loves me, I love him.
Why not?
You know it would be so easy togo back, and yet every time
it's like no, but I need tochoose me now.
You know.
Now you know this is thepattern, this is how we break
that cycle.
So, you know, really taking thattime out, however long, you
need to be to feel like yourenergy is clean and unattached
(23:16):
to any past story, any pastexperience, any past hurt or
heartache or loss or grief, orlonging or missing.
You want to always enter thesespaces with clear energy, with
clear, open energy.
And when I say open, you knowopen means many things.
(23:39):
You know.
For me, open means you know thewilling to be vulnerable.
Yes, of course, it's thewilling to be vulnerable, but
also, you know, having somediscernment in terms of who you
let in, like being careful, likeyou always want to be open, but
still, you know, be logicalabout.
You know who you're openingyourself up to.
You know not everybody deservesyour heart.
(24:03):
You've got a beautiful heart,my friend, if you're listening
to this podcast.
So not everyone deserves it,you know.
So you need to be a littlediscerning about who you let in.
So boundaries are important,discernment is important, but
being open-hearted and open topossibility is also important,
and also part of beingopen-hearted means letting go of
whatever heartache or pain orhurt you've experienced in the
past.
Right, and that's often whatblocks our openness without even
(24:27):
thinking, because we build allthese walls around our heart,
making it very hard to lethealthy relationships come in.
So I took the time out, I did myhealing work, I did my energy
work, I did all the things youknow to make sure that I was
free and clear and ready to bein relationship.
And this was not intentionaland this is the important thing.
(24:49):
This is number two.
I wasn't looking at all atgetting involved.
I wasn't looking for arelationship.
I was just practicing beingpresent and enjoying the moment
fully and being myself andliving my best life, and that is
what attracted these partnersevery fucking time.
And I'm telling you, I met themin the most random, freaking
(25:10):
places.
Two of them I met online.
One of them.
I, you know, practicallytripped two of them.
I met on the beach.
One of them practicallypretended to trip over me, which
I sold to this day.
You know I joke that it was, itwas all an act, he was just
trying to get my attention.
But anyway, you know which youknow, oftentimes we get into
(25:32):
this mindset that well, we haveto be on, you don't have to be
online, you just have to be outliving, right?
No, you're not going to meethim on your sofa at home, in
your pajamas.
You know watching, you knowReal Housewives, right Rewinds,
over and over again, or, um,what's it called?
Vanderpump, which I still loveto watch you guys?
(25:53):
Um, I'm so upset over thereboot.
Oh my God, I could not be moreupset about that.
But anyway, all that to say,you know you're not going to
meet him on your sofa.
Well, actually my friend did,actually her, her, her partner.
I shared her story on thepodcast.
She was on here, I think lastyear.
(26:17):
I shared her story howliterally her now husband
actually knocked on her frontdoor because he was looking to
rent a room they had for friends.
So, okay, so it actually canhappen, but it's very unlikely.
So here's what I'm going toencourage you to do, and here's
what I was doing.
I was literally just going outand living my best life.
I was doing the things that Iwanted to do for me, that were
important to me, that were thatI had desired, that I had put on
my, on my vision board for avery long time.
(26:38):
You know, whether it wastraveling through Asia, whether
it was, you know.
You know getting my placedowntown, whether it was, you
know, starting my business,whether it was.
You know, doing the things thatI love doing, like getting out
and hiking and meeting people.
You know, hanging out at thebeach.
(27:00):
You know all the things that Ilove to do and that make me me.
Those are the things that I wasgetting out and making sure
that I was doing, and every time, that's how I attracted these
people into my life.
So, rather than looking, ifyou're looking here's my theory
(27:24):
you can be open to thepossibility of meeting someone,
but without looking right,you're open to the possibility
of meeting someone you'reopening up the channels, right.
So maybe that channel for youis online dating.
Maybe that channel for you is,you know, going out and doing
the things that you enjoy doingor joining a club or whatever.
So you open the channels butthen you leave it at that.
(27:45):
Right, when you show up tothese events, you know whether
it's a mixer or whether it's.
You know you're going to thebeach with your friends or
you're going on a hike andyou're looking around to see
who's there and who like, okay,I'm here, I'm doing me, I'm
doing my things.
(28:05):
Where is he?
No, you got to just actuallyjust really enjoy the moment,
really be present, really justbe out there living your best
life and trust that he'll comearound when the time is right
and you just kind of let that.
You have to let that go andjust live your best life and
enjoy each and every moment asbest you can.
And that's, I think, was thekey for me, you know.
And then the third thing thatevery time was the case is I met
(28:34):
them at a time when I wastaking excellent care of myself,
choosing myself, prioritizingmy needs, just like rocking the
self-care and the self-lovevibes, you know.
And this is not about beingperfect.
This is not about losingwhatever amount of weight you
have to lose, or you know howmuch you make or what you look
(28:57):
like, or what your hair like.
Yes, all these things you knowwe take.
It's nice to take care in ourappearance.
I think it always, you know, Idon't, I don't care if you're a
man or a woman I think when wetake care and take pride in our
appearance, it elevates how weshow up.
And so for me, like, if youknow me, like you'll know, like
(29:18):
when I get up in the morning, Iget dressed as if I'm going out.
I'll put on a little bit ofmakeup, I'll get dressed.
I mean, I'll wear comfy clothes, but they're nice, comfy.
And people are like, why do youget dressed up in the house?
And it's like, because I don'tdress for other people, I dress
(29:39):
for me.
Like I dress because I love tofeel good.
I love to feel good in what I'mwearing.
You know, I don't like to feellike I'm in my pajamas all day.
It's not a good feeling for me.
Um, so I and I honor that, youknow, um, and so you know,
taking excellent care ofyourself.
What are those things that youknow have been gnawing at you,
that you've been, you know, kindof picking at your brain,
saying, hey, you got to do this,hey, you got to do that.
Hey, come on now.
(30:00):
You know you need to do this.
You're like, okay, okay, yeah,I'll get to that, I'll get to
that.
And you keep putting it off andyou keep putting all your focus
on this relationship, orattracting a relationship, or
finding a relationship, whatever.
Meanwhile, all these otherthings, these priorities, these
things that are important to you, that are important to how you
feel about yourself as a personand how you show up in the world
(30:21):
, you're abandoning every singletime because you're too busy
waiting for wondering if, blah,blah, blah, this guy's going to
be the one, where you're goingto find the one.
Where's the next guy going tocome from?
You know you have to startputting you first, taking care
of you.
What do you need?
What promises have you beenmaking to yourself that you've
(30:43):
not been keeping?
Where have you been?
You know, feeling the pull tostart to take better care of
yourself that you haven't been.
You know, really, look at thesethings because I'm telling you,
every time I met these guys, Iwas in a period of just like,
just pouring all the love ontomyself.
You know, just making myselfthe center of my universe.
(31:06):
And oftentimes I will say thiswhen the energy in these
relationships started to shift,it was because I started to
self-abandon and I started tomake them the focus and I
quickly and this is listen, thisis not a game, this is not
about playing mind games withpeople.
That's different.
We're talking energy.
Whenever you give more energyto someone else than you give to
(31:26):
yourself, when there's animbalance in energetic, whenever
you start to make how do I putthis?
Whenever you start to put yourfocus and your intention more so
on somebody else other thanyourself, you create an
energetic imbalance and thatenergetic imbalance will
translate into the relationship.
(31:46):
So what's important for you isto yes, we love to give in our
relationships.
We love to give, we love tonurture, we love to take care of
our people Great, what are youalso going to do for yourself?
Because you have to do both.
You can't always be giving,giving, giving, giving, giving,
because then you'll never beable to receive, and that often
creates the biggest blocks inour relationship.
(32:07):
So when I met these amazingpeople, I took the time out, I
healed, I cleared up my side ofthe fence and made sure it was
nice and clean, not to beconfused with keeping the garden
clean, although that's reallygood to do too, leaves you
feeling nice and good.
But no, I, you know I, took thetime out.
(32:30):
I did my healing work, madesure my energy was clear and
open and ready.
I, you know, wasn took the timeout, I did my healing work,
made sure my energy was clearand open and ready.
I, you know, wasn't looking forany relationship.
I had set the intention that Iwas, you know, available for a
relationship.
But, you know, in the process,I was out there just living my
best life and doing my own thingand I was prioritizing me, I
was prioritizing my self-care,and those three things made all
(32:58):
the difference in the quality ofpeople that I was attracting.
And so, for me, this time around, now that I've actually
articulated this and I can seeit clearly, I can see the
pattern so clearly, now I'mbeing really mindful about it.
I am taking my time and I feellike, you know, I've kind of set
the intention.
Okay, you know what?
Yeah, I am out there and I'm,I'm, I'm open, I'm energetically
(33:18):
opening myself up to the nextpartner.
I've already started, you know,kind of writing a new story,
what I would want it to looklike, and I'm going to invite
you guys on that journey.
But there's a um.
There's a pinned post on myInstagram on how to use um
ChatGP Teacher right out and newlove story.
It's so magical, you guys, youhave to try it.
(33:39):
Um, so I've been doing thatpractice and it feels amazing
and absolutely I'm calling it anew partner, but also I'm taking
the time to heal.
I'm not actively out therebecause I know there's a part of
me that's still kind of missingthe last guy and I feel like,
no, you know what?
There's still some detachingthat needs to happen there.
So I'm going to give it thetime that it needs in order to
do that and in the meantime, Iam trying to live my best life,
(34:00):
although right now I'm kind ofsnowed in because we got
pummeled with snow, but yeah,but I actually love the snow, so
I'm really happy about that.
One of the things that I did formyself was go out for a walk in
the snow yesterday, like it wasjust so magical, you know, and
I'm trying to take better careof myself, because I've not been
taking care of myself, you guys, ever since my mom got sick.
(34:21):
It has been something that has,you know, really been on the
back burner.
My health has taken a hit, myfitness has taken a hit.
I probably never put on so muchweight in my entire life and my
body just does not feel good.
So that, right now, is my mainfocus and priority, is trying to
get my health back in shape,and this is not about a number
(34:42):
on a scale or a size of clothing.
It is literally about how Ifeel, because right now, things
just don't feel good, likethere's aches and pains and
discomforts and things happeningthat should not be happening,
so, um and that, and that is alla by-product of me letting go
of my self-care habits.
(35:04):
So, and that's what I'm doingand that's how I'm moving
through it, and this is how I've.
This is, this is the processthat I've used again and again
and again to shift the qualityof partners, that I've been
again and again and again, toshift the quality of partners
that I've been attracting.
You treat people how to treatyou, you guys.
So if you keep treatingyourself like you need somebody
(35:25):
there, you feel desperate orafraid not to have anyone.
You need someone to stop thebleed from the last guy, or to
make you feel good aboutyourself, or to make you feel
whole again or to make you feellovable or good enough.
You're going to keep attractingpeople who do the exact
opposite.
So do yourself a favor stopgoing out there, stop looking,
(35:46):
stop trying and look at yourselfand all the things inside of
yourself that you've beenavoiding.
That is the work that actuallybrings you closer to the other
person.
We keep thinking that the workis somewhere outside of us.
It's not, it's inside.
As with In, so Without.
When you come into yourself andyou come to fully embrace and
accept yourself and come intounion with who you are and how
(36:10):
you're meant to express yourselfin the world, that's when the
partner comes in.
Ain't no amount of chasing orrunning around out there trying
to find the person to fill thatvoid, you know, going to make
that amazing love story thatyou've been craving your entire
life, you know.
So that is my thought on that.
(36:32):
So again, um, dm me at thefemcast on instagram, or you can
email me at maria at thefemcoachcom.
Let me know how this resonatesand if you love this episode.
It would mean the world to meif you would leave a positive
rating and review on applepodcast or spotify or wherever
you're seeing this episode.
You guys, until next time.
(36:53):
Massive love.
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