Ever felt the pull of toxic positivity, urging you to keep smiling even when you're drowning inside? Amy Fiedler, a certified trauma support specialist and life coach, joins us to unravel the paradox of toxic positivity, and how it's often a facade for unresolved trauma and a form of self-abandonment. We journey through Amy's evolution from the fashion industry to the healing profession, discussing her own experiences and understanding of creating a trusting environment for healing. She highlights the damaging effects of self-abandonment and its manifestations in toxic relationships, and how small survival strategies like people-pleasing can fuel this cycle.
As we continue our enlightening discourse with Amy, we delve into the realms of trauma, love, care, kindness and support. We uncover the complexities of trauma and the significance of recognizing and defining these basic emotions to cope with it. Amy emphasizes the role of a reliable support system and the necessity to trust it as part of the healing journey. She candidly shares her transition into motherhood, discussing how her energy and priorities shifted with this life-altering experience. Don't miss this enriching conversation, as we embark on a journey of healing, self-discovery, and personal growth, right here on The Femme Cast.
Let's do this.
Follow Amy on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/amythelifecoach
Check out her website: https://amyfiedler.com
Check out her podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/amy-fiedler
Are you ready to create a massive uplevel in your life and relationships? If so, use the link below to book your 90-minute Uplevel + Flow Intensive. This is a powerful 90-minute session where we go deep to energetically shift one relationship pattern you are ready to break free from, so you can magnetize more loving and supportive relationships without the chase...just flow!
https://thefemmecast.com/uplevel-and-flow-intensive
Are you ready to begin your heart healing journey today and manifest the love that you desire? If so, use the link below to register for my Uplevel + Flow Meditation Series . A 3 part series designed to help you heal from heartbreak and manifest love you've always wanted, but never thought you would find.
https://thefemmecast.ck.page/meditations
Are you ready to rewrite your love story + glow from the inside out as you become a magnet for the love you've always known you deserved? If so, use the link below to register for my 21 Day Radical Self-Love Challenge.
https://thefemmecast.ck.page/21daychallenge
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (00:00):
Hey you guys, what is up?
Welcome back to the show.
So excited and grateful to haveyou here.
And again, I find myselfexcited and grateful to share my
guest with you today.
She's none other than AmyFiedler.
I have been following Amy foryears.
She has been, first of all,she's a certified trauma support
specialist and life coach, andshe played a huge part in my
(00:21):
healing journey in terms ofunderstanding some of my toxic
relationship dynamics, wherethey were coming from and how I
could understand the trauma thatwas creating those experiences.
So I am very excited andgrateful to have her here to
share with you guys today herwisdom on trauma, toxic
positivity and learning to trustourselves.
(00:42):
Again here, she is none otherthan Amy Fiedler, right here on
the Femcast.
Amy, thank you so much for beinghere.
I am so grateful and humble tohave you on the show.
I have been a loyal fan ofyours for many years and you've
helped me through some verydifficult moments in my
relationship healing.
(01:02):
So I'm very, very honored tohave you in this podcast today
and to be able to share you withmy audience.
So tell us a little bit aboutwho you are and why you're so
amazing.
Yeah, no, no, honestly own it,own it.
This is your moment to just,you know, step into into that
glory because you've truly been,you've truly been life changing
(01:25):
to have in my space.
So thank you for that.
Oh, you're so welcome.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (01:29):
You're already going to make me cry,
but I'm also very pregnant rightnow.
Yes, she's very pregnant andlooking gorgeous.
Thank you, First of all.
I'm honored that that I haveimpacted your life that way,
that always.
That never gets old to hear,truly, and I think sometimes
(01:50):
people can become immune to thatover the years After helping,
like thousands of people.
But I always get choked up whensomeone tells me that because
you know, like I didn't when Igot started and since you've
been around quite a whilelistening to me, you probably
know this, but I didn't have alot of support.
(02:10):
So to be able to give what youdidn't get is truly a gift, and
one that I never take forgranted.
So a very brief kind of introto me to your listeners that
that are maybe not familiar myname is obviously Amy Ppler.
(02:31):
I am a certified trauma supportspecialist and a certified
holistic life coach.
I have been doing this for wellover 10 years.
Wow, At this point, yeah, andhonestly, it all began.
People always ask me the samequestions, usually like what got
you into this?
And I'm always like I didn'tplan this.
(02:53):
I struggled deeply as a teenagerwith emotions and a pretty
chaotic upbringing, and I wentto conventional therapy and I
always preface with you know, toeach their own, there are
different modalities andtherapeutic practices for
(03:13):
everybody.
For me at that time and and thetherapist that I went to, it
wasn't helpful.
I didn't feel heard, I didn'tfeel understood.
They really just kind of likelabeled me, diagnosed it, gave
me some meds and sent me on myway.
So I spent years at that pointand this was not a career
(03:36):
intention I spent years at thatpoint really trying to
understand my emotions, tryingto understand why I behave the
way I did and understand otherpeople, because my upbringing
was pretty toxic in many ways,you know, and through that
exploration I went in a milliondifferent directions, like the
(03:57):
spiritual route.
You know, the very woo, woolet's affirm good shit into our
life.
You know, like the toxicpositivity.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (04:07):
I'm so glad he went there.
But yes, yes.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (04:10):
And and really went down a rabbit hole
in those directions to twoextreme levels, to where they
were damaging, and ultimatelyand I always talk about this in
trauma healing, the pendulumswings to extremes.
So you try to do the exactopposite of everything you've
ever done and and that can takeyou in a very harmful direction
(04:36):
as well, until you kind of findthat balance.
And that balance took meprobably over 20 years, to be
honest.
But once I started to find itand make sense of things and
then really expand my owneducation, I went from a career
path in fashion to suddenly likeI want to help people for a
(04:57):
living and ended up here.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (05:00):
I laughed because I actually went to
school for fashion and that wasmy original intention Wild Wild.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (05:08):
I didn't even go to school, for I went to
school and was like aphotography major and then
favored like fashion photographyand then fashion photography.
Yeah, it's so cool, right, Istill love it, even though, yeah
, it's same, I still love it too, but I it definitely.
I experienced a lot there A lotof fun, a lot of brag, worthy
(05:29):
experiences, but I was also likethis is not fulfilling to the
degree that I need it to be.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (05:36):
Oh, it felt so empty actually, in many ways
.
Yeah, yeah, you touched onsomething that's really
important and I think and thisis this is really why I invited
you, you know, to come on theshow today and you know I'm
gonna keep this brief because Iwant this to be about you, but
just a little snippet.
You know, I went throughsomething very similar in that,
you know, I was going through avery, very obvious pattern of
(06:00):
repeated toxic relationships andafter, you know, a lot of
therapy and trying to reworkthings that way and not finding,
like you said, that, that, thatSafe space where I kind of felt
, you know, heard or understood.
Then I went into spiritualityand initially started off really
great, right.
And then you know, toxicpositivity, all the mindset work
(06:22):
, and, oh my god, why isn't thisworking?
Why do I keep manifesting allthis crap, people telling me
that there's something wrongwith me or my vibe, then sending
me further down the self hatredspiral that I was, that I was
going down and inevitably endedup creating more damage Then I
had initially when I started onmy healing journey, because I
(06:42):
didn't realize that there wassome unresolved trauma there
beneath the surface yeah.
And that was manifested in, thatwas manifesting in chaos and
heartbreak and emotionalabandonment, like there was just
so many cycles around me, thatare patterns around me that kept
me in this toxic loop ofrepeating the same relationships
again and again and again, andevery time it got more and more
(07:04):
intense and more and morepainful.
Yeah so what?
After following you, what Irealized was happening was there
was this unresolved traumathere from toxic patterning,
from bad you know experienceswhen I was like out of it, you
know, at a very young age, thathadn't been resolved, or you
know process, in a healthy waythat was contributing to a lot
(07:26):
of the dynamics that I wasexperiencing and the mindset
work was just like Trying topaint over like a wall that was
falling down.
You know what I mean.
Yeah, wasn't actually doing thereal work, so talk to me a
little bit about that.
What your experience has beenand have you come across this
before?
Is this a thing like?
Is this a regular thing thatyou see coming across?
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (07:46):
Oh man, it's very much a regular thing
and I hate.
I hate being the person that'slike not enough people are
talking about it, but the truthis is that we don't hear about
it a lot.
Yeah, because the place thatyou're in and I'm sure you can
probably attest to this as well,when I kind of went down that
(08:06):
route it's because you're in aplace with yourself where you're
desperate and I'm so desperate,yeah, and you're grasping at
these straws and and that isgiving you the extreme.
You know, it's that wholeextreme mentality thing.
It's giving you the exactopposite of where you are and
(08:28):
and it really feeds off of likea wow, like this is going to get
me out of this yeah it's goingto save me.
It's going to save me, it'sgoing to rescue me, it's going
to make me feel better and, ofcourse, we're missing all the
nuance.
We're missing that the peopletalking about it online, like,
also have hardships in theirlife, but the picture they're
(08:50):
painting is only of the goodstuff.
Yeah, you know, or they havelike Manipulating themselves
into believing.
If I just slam theseaffirmations, I remember the
first time I started trying toexplain affirmations to someone,
like the proper way to use them.
They were like I've never heardthis before and I'm like that
(09:11):
makes me so sad.
But yeah, affirmation is notgoing to work if you haven't
actually addressed the issue.
Yeah, that caused you tobelieve or say or think or
whatever the thing that you'retrying to change.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (09:27):
Oh, that is so.
That is that right thereencapsulates the whole thing,
and I think you know affirmation, work in mindset, work becomes
very easy when you heal what's,you know, the underlying trauma
beneath that right.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (09:38):
Yeah, yeah , it's just it's, it's just the
upkeep.
Yeah, at that point it's notthe deep clean, you know.
Yeah, it's the deep clean is.
Let me dig in, yeah, and andnot dig into the to the extent
that, like, I need to revisitevery trauma I've been again and
again and again, yeah, no, it.
(09:59):
And again, people have theseideas and I don't know where
they come from sometimes, butthe truth is, is that like,
really, and I kind of work likea three step method with
everyone that I work with andand that starts with awareness.
If you're awareness, that'salways step one.
Yeah, and, as long as you areaware, I got a problem, I'm
struggling.
(10:19):
There's a pattern here.
Whatever it is, that's great.
Check.
We got through step one.
Step two is like, let meunderstand this a little bit
more.
And again, some people don'thave, like I don't have a lot of
childhood memories.
Yeah, they're, they're notreally there to this day.
It doesn't matter.
I've worked on myself for over,you know, 20 years or whatever.
(10:41):
Like, yeah, they're not there,I don't need them.
Yeah, you can tap into thewisdom yeah, I can tap into the
wisdom I can.
I can pull out the feedback,but also like, if they come up
at some point.
The takeaway here is I havetools, yeah, to process and feel
and hold space for thoseemotions if and when they emerge
(11:02):
.
And that's the problem ispeople have this concept of
healing that is warped and theythink I have to clean everything
up from the past in order tomove forward.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (11:11):
And that's not how this works it becomes
another toxic relationship thatwe get ourselves into the
relationship.
A lot of the healing yeah.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (11:19):
Yeah, well said, because that's exactly
what it is.
It just becomes something elseyou fixate on and obsess over
and dwell on, and it's notproductive.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (11:29):
Yeah, absolutely, and I think also,
like the affirmations and themindset work and all those
things, they do work beautifully, but they can't be the be all
end.
All right, we have to be, youknow, we have to do healing in a
holistic way and I think thatyou know when we are
experiencing challenge, we needto change this narrative that
it's toxic to have negativeemotions.
I think you know you mentionedtoxic positivity and I had an
(11:50):
episode of that on the podcast.
It's a real thing, like it isout there.
You know.
I think people are getting alittle bit more mindful about it
now and a little bit more aware, but for the longest time, you
know, it was considered low vibeto talk about a pain point.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (12:05):
I love the low vibe.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (12:08):
Yeah, you know what I'm like.
What is what is wrong?
What are we teaching people?
Are we teaching people thatit's not okay to look at what
they're feeling, because that isback ass, backwards?
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (12:17):
Yeah, well , and but they are like that's
the thing.
Is they really, where they'reat with themselves, have a
belief system that, if I allowin a negative thought, that it's
going to manifest?
And you know, it makes us haveto like zoom out and redefine
all these words like that's nothow manifestation works.
(12:39):
Number one yeah.
Number two your negativeemotions are healthy.
They make you human and you are.
The goal is to feel them andvalidate them and get
comfortable with them.
Not, that doesn't mean you'reperpetuating them.
It doesn't mean you're keepingthem around, it's.
You know, I always tell peopleyou have to accept where you're
(13:03):
at before we can kind of moveforward.
And they're like, but I don'twant to keep this, yeah, I don't
want to stay here and I go.
Acceptance doesn't mean thatExactly.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (13:12):
Just means you move through it.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (13:13):
Yes, yeah, it's what I do on every week.
That's true, because I'm sureI'll be a recurring guest, no
problem.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (13:24):
Okay, couple I can't remember when it
was, I think it was last weekyou posted something that I have
done a lot of work on myselfwhen it comes to spirituality,
mindset and trauma work, and youposted something that blew my
fucking mind.
I can't remember the exact words.
I wish I would have looked itup before today, but it was
something along the lines of youknow if you're experiencing,
(13:46):
you know if, if, if you're selfabandonment manifests as fear of
abandonment or something, orvice versa.
I can remember how you wordedit, but basically along the
lines of if you're somebody whostruggles with and is prone to
abandoning yourself, that willmanifest itself as fear of
abandonment.
I was mind blown.
Can we like talk about that fora sec?
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (14:04):
Absolutely yeah.
Patterns of I haven't writtenin front of me, patterns of self
abandonment often spark fearsof abandonment.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (14:13):
Yeah.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (14:13):
And essentially, you know like we
will fear abandonment number oneif we have experienced
abandonment from someone else inour life, and that's typically,
I mean that could happen inchildhood or adulthood.
That could be emotional neglect, you know, physical, whatever,
or adulthood, but also if wehave patterns of, let's say,
(14:36):
people pleasing is a verypopular one, right?
If you are prone toprioritizing the needs and the
wants of other people and, mindyou, people pleasing is a
survival strategy that wasadapted at a young age, so that
relational template that you nowjust walk around with this
label of I'm a people pleaser,you are prone to probably
(14:58):
fearing abandonment.
Most people are if they're apleaser because you constantly
abandon yourself and they don'trealize the impact of like, what
this projection kind of doesand how it takes a toll on you.
In situations it's very easy toblame it on someone else and be
like they're going to leave meif I do X, y and Z, but the
(15:21):
truth of the matter is like youalready left yourself by doing X
, y and Z.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (15:27):
And it's hate like when I because so this
was my story, right, like I'vebeen a people pleaser my entire
life and my biggest fear was thefear of being abandoned and
rejected.
So the hardest thing in theworld for me was learning to
just stop in a moment and say,no, I'm not going to do what I,
what I, my mind is telling me,is going to please this person.
I'm going to give myself what Ineed first, and then I'll deal
(15:50):
with what's going on over there.
Yeah, that was hard.
It is hard, it is hard.
It's still hard to this daySometimes.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (15:58):
Let me tell you I mean I thought I had
it going pretty well and then,and then I got pregnant and I it
took it to a whole differentlevel, you know, because now I'm
like I'm catching patterns inme that, like again before being
pregnant I was maybe had alayer that I was like tolerant
(16:20):
of.
Yeah, now I'm like, well, mybandwidth has switched and my
energy has changed and mypriorities are different and you
know, I'm thinking into thefuture and so it.
That's why I'm constantlysaying to people healing is
layered.
Yeah, you, every time you hit anew point in your life, have a
(16:43):
new experience.
It's going to naturally peelback a new layer.
You're going to start to assessyourself and your environments
and your relationships again andyou're going to think you had
it down.
Yep, I mean, there's beenplenty of times where I'm like I
got this.
I got this boundary queen overhere, I figured out, and then
you know, and then you getknocked up and you're suddenly
(17:05):
like, well, no, I have not beenadvocating for myself to this
degree.
You know, now it's verydifferent.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (17:13):
Yep, oh my God, that is so true and it's
true.
I have actually said that.
If I said it to a friend ofmine on a call, I'm like, yeah,
boundary queen over here.
I got it all figured outliterally two days later.
I was like damn it.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (17:25):
That's what I mean.
Life keeps us humble, rightLike at the end of the day, it's
like it's best and healthiestand the most balanced to go into
any type of therapy, healingwork, personal development, with
the mindset that there is notan end goal here.
(17:46):
No, let me expand my capacity.
Let me become more aware, let mebe open to the feedback that
life and people in my life bringto me, let me be willing to
grow and evolve.
And if I close off to one ofthose things, or all of those
things, that's definitely wherelife gets hardest, because
(18:07):
you're not willing to look atyourself or you're not open to
the accountability or youthought you mastered the
boundary setting thing, and it'slike it always makes me giggle
a little, and not always outloud, but when someone's like OK
.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (18:24):
I got it all figured out and I go OK,
Call me in a week, See you soon.
It's so true, and you know whatI think.
I always say this, and I thinkthat what you just said says it
so powerfully is that it is anevolution.
It does happen in layers and Ithink that the mistake, a lot of
the times that we all make evenI've made it so many times I'm
(18:45):
just going to go and fix thisthing about me that doesn't seem
to be working, and theneverything will be fine.
It's an evolution over time andI don't think that ever.
I mean we don't.
It's not something that has toend.
There's no start and end dateon it.
It just happens and we evolveand things change and I think
that when we look at our healingfrom that perspective doesn't
have that same heaviness to it.
It feels a little bit moreexpansive, and that's just how
(19:06):
I've been trying to wrap my headaround it.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (19:09):
No, but you're spot on, you know what it
is.
I think people need to put anend date on it because they need
a sense of control over it.
Yeah, and without that end date, without the finish line, it
can feel emotionally, it canfeel very overwhelming, but it
can, you know.
I think that then comes back toyou having to manage your
(19:32):
emotions.
It's just like they're allintertwined.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (19:36):
So yeah, that's a fun process.
How would you say?
You know, it's been veryentertaining, to say the least.
I could write a sitcom on it.
Yeah, for real.
What would you say is thebalance between you know, the
spirituality, the mindset work,the trauma healing, like how do
you know, like, how does someonenavigate all this?
(19:57):
Like I mean, it was a lot ofguessing work obviously in the
beginning and I know I have myways of thinking through.
Ok, now it's time to do traumawork, now it's time to do
mindset work.
How do you balance those twoelements out?
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (20:11):
I mean for myself, it's probably a little
different than like how I wouldtalk to somebody else, just
mainly because, like for me, itcomes down to my own self-trust,
right.
So when I'm sitting with myselfI'm really clued in to what's
coming up for me and what I need, and I can't always articulate
(20:32):
it, but I'll know what I needand I'll go in that direction.
And it's not, first of all,it's not a coach or therapist's
job to tell other people what todo.
You know what.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (20:43):
I mean Amen .
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (20:44):
Like it's our job to?
Yeah, it's so, but it's soimportant because that's even
that's harmful to do to someone.
You create a dependency betweenthe coach and the client or the
therapist and the client, andthe truth is it's their job to
listen.
And I can't speak fortherapists because I'm not one,
but in my coaching and in mytrauma support, it's my job to
(21:07):
point you in the right directionand to show you your you know
your flawed thinking and topoint out those gaps in your
awareness and to provide you thetools and provide you the
strategies.
And that's usually why peoplecome to me is they've gone to
the therapy and they've got thesounding board, but they're like
(21:29):
I don't know what to do now.
Yeah, and so when I'm talking tosomebody else and I'm like, and
they're like overwhelmed, wheredo I begin?
It's really you got to start,especially with trauma, you got
to start at the most present,pressing matter, yeah, and then
work from there.
So we, you know, sometimespeople show up and and they sign
(21:50):
up to work with me and they'relike I just have so much.
Really, I got 30 years and Iand, and they, then they, they
look at me and they go are youoverwhelmed?
And I go.
No, what's the thing that'shappening right now, like tell
me what happened today or tellme what happened yesterday, and
they think I'm just like wastingtheir time at first.
(22:11):
And then they catch on and theyrealize oh, she knows what the
hell she's doing.
Yeah, because I, like we we're,we'll clean up everything, but
the thing that's most active andpresent is the thing that needs
to be looked at.
And if that thing happens to bea surfaced thing that we need
to, like, work on some mindsetstuff and yeah, you know
(22:32):
reframes of then, we work on it,but most times it leads to
something else.
Something deeper exactly.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (22:40):
Yeah, it's like follow the thread back.
Yeah, before you know whatyou're talking to, their
two-year-old version ofthemselves.
And Okay, so really quickly.
Self-trust, right, becauseobviously that's a big thing and
if you've been through well,two things that you mentioned
that are important self-trustand, and you know how do we get
(23:00):
that back after we'veexperienced trauma and how do we
know we've been traumatized?
Because, I'll be honest, forthe first 40 years of my life, I
had no clue that trauma washappening beneath the surface.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (23:10):
Honestly, I don't think I mean, neither
did I.
Like I don't think many peopledo.
Yeah, and and and a lot ofpeople, again, they want the
sense of control.
So they want, like, could youjust give me a list of like
symptoms?
And the truth is that they allagain, like they're all
interchangeable.
Yeah, it's like, have you everand I'm sure the majority people
(23:31):
have have you ever googled?
Like I have a cramp on my leftside of my body?
Right, like if you could needan organ removed?
Or yeah, it could be gas.
Like nobody really knows untilyou're assessed, it's true.
Yeah, so so, when it comes tolike, how do you know you have
trauma?
Like I can give like the answerin terms of if you've ever
(23:55):
experienced like abuse in anyform.
Right, like name-calling,bullying, gas lighting,
manipulation, neglect on anylevel, things like that.
Right, like Everybody wants togo to these, these big, bold
labels of like my parents were anarcissist or my X was a
(24:18):
narcissist and it's.
The truth is we all havenarcissistic qualities.
Yeah, and there's very few ofus who have been actually
diagnosed with NPD, so, like, wecan't use those things to
really determine you've beenthrough trauma or not.
The truth is?
Is that like Do you actuallyknow what healthy feels?
(24:40):
Like, do you?
know what it feels like forsomeone to be honest and
supportive, and then people,literally, when you break it
down that way and deconstruct it, they go.
What does that look like?
Because that was me.
I was like, well, love isscreaming and yelling in my face
and Support is making me doeverything for you and you do
nothing for me.
That was, yeah, that was myupbringing, right.
(25:01):
So I think we got to take itdown to the very basics, the
simple level of Define love forme, define care, define kindness
, define support.
What does that look like for you?
Right, tell me about yourrelationships and what people
like to talk about themselves.
And if you just ask them totalk about themselves and talk
(25:24):
about their relationships andyou actually listen, you will
find out very quickly Wow,you've experienced a major
trauma, but I can put the labelon it from the outside and I
think the really big takeawayhere at the end of the day is
really, it's not the eventitself that caused the trauma,
because there's people that havebeen traumatized by breakups
(25:46):
and there's people that have notbeen traumatized by.
Yeah, it comes down to how didyou cope with it?
Yeah, and that's why I woulddeconstruct it down to like well
, how are you defining thisright like?
What are you leaning into?
What is familiar to you?
What do you like?
What do you like to receive?
Because that will tell me howyou coped with it.
Wow.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (26:08):
That is so beautiful.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (26:09):
Yeah.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (26:10):
I love that because it totally like you
said, it moves away from puttingthe blame or whatever on the
experience because, like yousaid, people can go through many
different things in manydifferent ways and come out with
very different results and verydifferent ways of feeling and
believing about what happened tothem.
So I think what you said is soimportant we need to deconstruct
(26:33):
what we perceive in that momentthat it's happening and what.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (26:37):
Yeah, I think that's important for
people to hear.
Also, when they're leaning intogetting support from someone
you know, hiring someone, that'sanother question.
Especially after a traumaticincident or an abuse, they're
like how do I know if thisperson can even help me?
How can I trust them?
Because they don't trustthemselves and they don't trust
(26:58):
their gauge.
And really the best teachers,the best coaches, the best
therapists will simplify it.
They're not going to be usingthe big ass fancy language where
you know they're like oh, youwent in, you're in ventral
vehicle.
We don't talk like that, wedon't.
You know what I mean.
(27:18):
We're going to explain it toyou in a very basic way so you
can actually grasp it.
That's the best teacher and I'msure if you thought back to any
teacher you've ever had, fromelementary school all the way up
to how high you went, thosewere the best teachers, the ones
that could relate, the onesthat made it make sense for you,
(27:39):
and so if they speak to youthat way, listen and connect to
it, because they'll help you.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (27:47):
Oh my God.
It's like the differencebetween the teacher of like, the
one that speaks down to youfrom a pedestal and just wants
to be like present as a leader,but the one who actually is a
leader, who is like how do Ihelp people understand and how
do I get people to tap intotheir wisdom?
(28:08):
It's almost like that wholeguru thing.
People wanted to kind of be ontop of this pedestal and
speaking to people and being thebe all, end, all solution.
But people got smart andthey're like no, at least some
of it, and I think people arecatching on right.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (28:25):
Yeah, because anyone could read a book
, but not everybody has actuallyimplemented, integrated, made
it make sense for them, lived it, breathed it, embodied it and
then can teach it.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (28:37):
Yeah, and I think that's the key.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (28:40):
Yeah.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (28:41):
Oh my gosh, amy, thank you so much.
You're so welcome.
It has been such a pleasure tohave you and I'm so excited to
see you know people want toconnect with you if they want to
follow you.
I know you've got some goodiescoming up too.
I do.
Can you share a little bitabout how people can get in
touch with you or follow you andwhat you've got coming up for
us?
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (29:01):
Absolutely so.
I have a course coming outRebuilding Self-Trust.
It's brand new.
I'm very, very, very excitedabout it.
It's a three module course.
It's comprehensive, but it'sgoing to give you some precise
strategies to rebuilding thatself-trust.
And really, I mean I'm on everysocial media platform, but the
best place to find me andconnect is on Instagram, at
(29:23):
AmyTheLifeCoach, or going rightto my website, amyfiedlercom.
You can also check out mypodcast Connect the Dots Bitch
on Apple, Spotify or whereveryou stream your podcasts Amazing
.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (29:40):
Okay, Amy, thank you so much for being here
.
It has been an absolutepleasure.
Good luck in this last leg ofyour pregnancy.
You look gorgeous.
When's the date?
When's the due date?
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (29:51):
The due date is January 19th.
So we are, we're almost there.
We're moving into the thirdtrimester now, oh my God, so
exciting, is baby room ready.
No, no, it's chaos over here.
I love it.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (30:06):
I love it Okay, Amy, we will have you back
with baby in hands, maybe forthe next one.
Yes, I would love to.
Yeah, no, that would be amazing.
I will talk again very soon.
That is it for this week.
Everyone, until next time,massive love.
Hey you guys, what is up?
Welcome back to the show.
So excited and grateful to haveyou here.
And again, I find myselfexcited and grateful to share my
guest with you today.
She's none other than AmyFiedler.
I have been following Amy foryears.
She has been, first of all,she's a certified trauma support
specialist and life coach, andshe played a huge part in my
(00:21):
healing journey in terms ofunderstanding some of my toxic
relationship dynamics, wherethey were coming from and how I
could understand the trauma thatwas creating those experiences.
So I am very excited andgrateful to have her here to
share with you guys today herwisdom on trauma, toxic
positivity and learning to trustourselves.
(00:42):
Again here, she is none otherthan Amy Fiedler, right here on
the Femcast.
Amy, thank you so much for beinghere.
I am so grateful and humble tohave you on the show.
I have been a loyal fan ofyours for many years and you've
helped me through some verydifficult moments in my
relationship healing.
(01:02):
So I'm very, very honored tohave you in this podcast today
and to be able to share you withmy audience.
So tell us a little bit aboutwho you are and why you're so
amazing.
Yeah, no, no, honestly own it,own it.
This is your moment to just,you know, step into into that
glory because you've truly been,you've truly been life changing
(01:25):
to have in my space.
So thank you for that.
Oh, you're so welcome.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (01:29):
You're already going to make me cry,
but I'm also very pregnant rightnow.
Yes, she's very pregnant andlooking gorgeous.
Thank you, First of all.
I'm honored that that I haveimpacted your life that way,
that always.
That never gets old to hear,truly, and I think sometimes
(01:50):
people can become immune to thatover the years After helping,
like thousands of people.
But I always get choked up whensomeone tells me that because
you know, like I didn't when Igot started and since you've
been around quite a whilelistening to me, you probably
know this, but I didn't have alot of support.
(02:10):
So to be able to give what youdidn't get is truly a gift, and
one that I never take forgranted.
So a very brief kind of introto me to your listeners that
that are maybe not familiar myname is obviously Amy Ppler.
(02:31):
I am a certified trauma supportspecialist and a certified
holistic life coach.
I have been doing this for wellover 10 years.
Wow, At this point, yeah, andhonestly, it all began.
People always ask me the samequestions, usually like what got
you into this?
And I'm always like I didn'tplan this.
(02:53):
I struggled deeply as a teenagerwith emotions and a pretty
chaotic upbringing, and I wentto conventional therapy and I
always preface with you know, toeach their own, there are
different modalities andtherapeutic practices for
(03:13):
everybody.
For me at that time and and thetherapist that I went to, it
wasn't helpful.
I didn't feel heard, I didn'tfeel understood.
They really just kind of likelabeled me, diagnosed it, gave
me some meds and sent me on myway.
So I spent years at that pointand this was not a career
(03:36):
intention I spent years at thatpoint really trying to
understand my emotions, tryingto understand why I behave the
way I did and understand otherpeople, because my upbringing
was pretty toxic in many ways,you know, and through that
exploration I went in a milliondifferent directions, like the
(03:57):
spiritual route.
You know, the very woo, woolet's affirm good shit into our
life.
You know, like the toxicpositivity.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (04:07):
I'm so glad he went there.
But yes, yes.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (04:10):
And and really went down a rabbit hole
in those directions to twoextreme levels, to where they
were damaging, and ultimatelyand I always talk about this in
trauma healing, the pendulumswings to extremes.
So you try to do the exactopposite of everything you've
ever done and and that can takeyou in a very harmful direction
(04:36):
as well, until you kind of findthat balance.
And that balance took meprobably over 20 years, to be
honest.
But once I started to find itand make sense of things and
then really expand my owneducation, I went from a career
path in fashion to suddenly likeI want to help people for a
(04:57):
living and ended up here.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (05:00):
I laughed because I actually went to
school for fashion and that wasmy original intention Wild Wild.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (05:08):
I didn't even go to school, for I went to
school and was like aphotography major and then
favored like fashion photographyand then fashion photography.
Yeah, it's so cool, right, Istill love it, even though, yeah
, it's same, I still love it too, but I it definitely.
I experienced a lot there A lotof fun, a lot of brag, worthy
(05:29):
experiences, but I was also likethis is not fulfilling to the
degree that I need it to be.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (05:36):
Oh, it felt so empty actually, in many ways
.
Yeah, yeah, you touched onsomething that's really
important and I think and thisis this is really why I invited
you, you know, to come on theshow today and you know I'm
gonna keep this brief because Iwant this to be about you, but
just a little snippet.
You know, I went throughsomething very similar in that,
you know, I was going through avery, very obvious pattern of
(06:00):
repeated toxic relationships andafter, you know, a lot of
therapy and trying to reworkthings that way and not finding,
like you said, that, that, thatSafe space where I kind of felt
, you know, heard or understood.
Then I went into spiritualityand initially started off really
great, right.
And then you know, toxicpositivity, all the mindset work
(06:22):
, and, oh my god, why isn't thisworking?
Why do I keep manifesting allthis crap, people telling me
that there's something wrongwith me or my vibe, then sending
me further down the self hatredspiral that I was, that I was
going down and inevitably endedup creating more damage Then I
had initially when I started onmy healing journey, because I
(06:42):
didn't realize that there wassome unresolved trauma there
beneath the surface yeah.
And that was manifested in, thatwas manifesting in chaos and
heartbreak and emotionalabandonment, like there was just
so many cycles around me, thatare patterns around me that kept
me in this toxic loop ofrepeating the same relationships
again and again and again, andevery time it got more and more
(07:04):
intense and more and morepainful.
Yeah so what?
After following you, what Irealized was happening was there
was this unresolved traumathere from toxic patterning,
from bad you know experienceswhen I was like out of it, you
know, at a very young age, thathadn't been resolved, or you
know process, in a healthy waythat was contributing to a lot
(07:26):
of the dynamics that I wasexperiencing and the mindset
work was just like Trying topaint over like a wall that was
falling down.
You know what I mean.
Yeah, wasn't actually doing thereal work, so talk to me a
little bit about that.
What your experience has beenand have you come across this
before?
Is this a thing like?
Is this a regular thing thatyou see coming across?
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (07:46):
Oh man, it's very much a regular thing
and I hate.
I hate being the person that'slike not enough people are
talking about it, but the truthis is that we don't hear about
it a lot.
Yeah, because the place thatyou're in and I'm sure you can
probably attest to this as well,when I kind of went down that
(08:06):
route it's because you're in aplace with yourself where you're
desperate and I'm so desperate,yeah, and you're grasping at
these straws and and that isgiving you the extreme.
You know, it's that wholeextreme mentality thing.
It's giving you the exactopposite of where you are and
(08:28):
and it really feeds off of likea wow, like this is going to get
me out of this yeah it's goingto save me.
It's going to save me, it'sgoing to rescue me, it's going
to make me feel better and, ofcourse, we're missing all the
nuance.
We're missing that the peopletalking about it online, like,
also have hardships in theirlife, but the picture they're
(08:50):
painting is only of the goodstuff.
Yeah, you know, or they havelike Manipulating themselves
into believing.
If I just slam theseaffirmations, I remember the
first time I started trying toexplain affirmations to someone,
like the proper way to use them.
They were like I've never heardthis before and I'm like that
(09:11):
makes me so sad.
But yeah, affirmation is notgoing to work if you haven't
actually addressed the issue.
Yeah, that caused you tobelieve or say or think or
whatever the thing that you'retrying to change.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (09:27):
Oh, that is so.
That is that right thereencapsulates the whole thing,
and I think you know affirmation, work in mindset, work becomes
very easy when you heal what's,you know, the underlying trauma
beneath that right.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (09:38):
Yeah, yeah , it's just it's, it's just the
upkeep.
Yeah, at that point it's notthe deep clean, you know.
Yeah, it's the deep clean is.
Let me dig in, yeah, and andnot dig into the to the extent
that, like, I need to revisitevery trauma I've been again and
again and again, yeah, no, it.
(09:59):
And again, people have theseideas and I don't know where
they come from sometimes, butthe truth is, is that like,
really, and I kind of work likea three step method with
everyone that I work with andand that starts with awareness.
If you're awareness, that'salways step one.
Yeah, and, as long as you areaware, I got a problem, I'm
struggling.
(10:19):
There's a pattern here.
Whatever it is, that's great.
Check.
We got through step one.
Step two is like, let meunderstand this a little bit
more.
And again, some people don'thave, like I don't have a lot of
childhood memories.
Yeah, they're, they're notreally there to this day.
It doesn't matter.
I've worked on myself for over,you know, 20 years or whatever.
(10:41):
Like, yeah, they're not there,I don't need them.
Yeah, you can tap into thewisdom yeah, I can tap into the
wisdom I can.
I can pull out the feedback,but also like, if they come up
at some point.
The takeaway here is I havetools, yeah, to process and feel
and hold space for thoseemotions if and when they emerge
(11:02):
.
And that's the problem ispeople have this concept of
healing that is warped and theythink I have to clean everything
up from the past in order tomove forward.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (11:11):
And that's not how this works it becomes
another toxic relationship thatwe get ourselves into the
relationship.
A lot of the healing yeah.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (11:19):
Yeah, well said, because that's exactly
what it is.
It just becomes something elseyou fixate on and obsess over
and dwell on, and it's notproductive.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (11:29):
Yeah, absolutely, and I think also,
like the affirmations and themindset work and all those
things, they do work beautifully, but they can't be the be all
end.
All right, we have to be, youknow, we have to do healing in a
holistic way and I think thatyou know when we are
experiencing challenge, we needto change this narrative that
it's toxic to have negativeemotions.
I think you know you mentionedtoxic positivity and I had an
(11:50):
episode of that on the podcast.
It's a real thing, like it isout there.
You know.
I think people are getting alittle bit more mindful about it
now and a little bit more aware, but for the longest time, you
know, it was considered low vibeto talk about a pain point.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (12:05):
I love the low vibe.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (12:08):
Yeah, you know what I'm like.
What is what is wrong?
What are we teaching people?
Are we teaching people thatit's not okay to look at what
they're feeling, because that isback ass, backwards?
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (12:17):
Yeah, well , and but they are like that's
the thing.
Is they really, where they'reat with themselves, have a
belief system that, if I allowin a negative thought, that it's
going to manifest?
And you know, it makes us haveto like zoom out and redefine
all these words like that's nothow manifestation works.
(12:39):
Number one yeah.
Number two your negativeemotions are healthy.
They make you human and you are.
The goal is to feel them andvalidate them and get
comfortable with them.
Not, that doesn't mean you'reperpetuating them.
It doesn't mean you're keepingthem around, it's.
You know, I always tell peopleyou have to accept where you're
(13:03):
at before we can kind of moveforward.
And they're like, but I don'twant to keep this, yeah, I don't
want to stay here and I go.
Acceptance doesn't mean thatExactly.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (13:12):
Just means you move through it.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (13:13):
Yes, yeah, it's what I do on every week.
That's true, because I'm sureI'll be a recurring guest, no
problem.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (13:24):
Okay, couple I can't remember when it
was, I think it was last weekyou posted something that I have
done a lot of work on myselfwhen it comes to spirituality,
mindset and trauma work, and youposted something that blew my
fucking mind.
I can't remember the exact words.
I wish I would have looked itup before today, but it was
something along the lines of youknow if you're experiencing,
(13:46):
you know if, if, if you're selfabandonment manifests as fear of
abandonment or something, orvice versa.
I can remember how you wordedit, but basically along the
lines of if you're somebody whostruggles with and is prone to
abandoning yourself, that willmanifest itself as fear of
abandonment.
I was mind blown.
Can we like talk about that fora sec?
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (14:04):
Absolutely yeah.
Patterns of I haven't writtenin front of me, patterns of self
abandonment often spark fearsof abandonment.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (14:13):
Yeah.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (14:13):
And essentially, you know like we
will fear abandonment number oneif we have experienced
abandonment from someone else inour life, and that's typically,
I mean that could happen inchildhood or adulthood.
That could be emotional neglect, you know, physical, whatever,
or adulthood, but also if wehave patterns of, let's say,
(14:36):
people pleasing is a verypopular one, right?
If you are prone toprioritizing the needs and the
wants of other people and, mindyou, people pleasing is a
survival strategy that wasadapted at a young age, so that
relational template that you nowjust walk around with this
label of I'm a people pleaser,you are prone to probably
(14:58):
fearing abandonment.
Most people are if they're apleaser because you constantly
abandon yourself and they don'trealize the impact of like, what
this projection kind of doesand how it takes a toll on you.
In situations it's very easy toblame it on someone else and be
like they're going to leave meif I do X, y and Z, but the
(15:21):
truth of the matter is like youalready left yourself by doing X
, y and Z.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (15:27):
And it's hate like when I because so this
was my story, right, like I'vebeen a people pleaser my entire
life and my biggest fear was thefear of being abandoned and
rejected.
So the hardest thing in theworld for me was learning to
just stop in a moment and say,no, I'm not going to do what I,
what I, my mind is telling me,is going to please this person.
I'm going to give myself what Ineed first, and then I'll deal
(15:50):
with what's going on over there.
Yeah, that was hard.
It is hard, it is hard.
It's still hard to this daySometimes.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (15:58):
Let me tell you I mean I thought I had
it going pretty well and then,and then I got pregnant and I it
took it to a whole differentlevel, you know, because now I'm
like I'm catching patterns inme that, like again before being
pregnant I was maybe had alayer that I was like tolerant
(16:20):
of.
Yeah, now I'm like, well, mybandwidth has switched and my
energy has changed and mypriorities are different and you
know, I'm thinking into thefuture and so it.
That's why I'm constantlysaying to people healing is
layered.
Yeah, you, every time you hit anew point in your life, have a
(16:43):
new experience.
It's going to naturally peelback a new layer.
You're going to start to assessyourself and your environments
and your relationships again andyou're going to think you had
it down.
Yep, I mean, there's beenplenty of times where I'm like I
got this.
I got this boundary queen overhere, I figured out, and then
you know, and then you getknocked up and you're suddenly
(17:05):
like, well, no, I have not beenadvocating for myself to this
degree.
You know, now it's verydifferent.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (17:13):
Yep, oh my God, that is so true and it's
true.
I have actually said that.
If I said it to a friend ofmine on a call, I'm like, yeah,
boundary queen over here.
I got it all figured outliterally two days later.
I was like damn it.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (17:25):
That's what I mean.
Life keeps us humble, rightLike at the end of the day, it's
like it's best and healthiestand the most balanced to go into
any type of therapy, healingwork, personal development, with
the mindset that there is notan end goal here.
(17:46):
No, let me expand my capacity.
Let me become more aware, let mebe open to the feedback that
life and people in my life bringto me, let me be willing to
grow and evolve.
And if I close off to one ofthose things, or all of those
things, that's definitely wherelife gets hardest, because
(18:07):
you're not willing to look atyourself or you're not open to
the accountability or youthought you mastered the
boundary setting thing, and it'slike it always makes me giggle
a little, and not always outloud, but when someone's like OK
.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (18:24):
I got it all figured out and I go OK,
Call me in a week, See you soon.
It's so true, and you know whatI think.
I always say this, and I thinkthat what you just said says it
so powerfully is that it is anevolution.
It does happen in layers and Ithink that the mistake, a lot of
the times that we all make evenI've made it so many times I'm
(18:45):
just going to go and fix thisthing about me that doesn't seem
to be working, and theneverything will be fine.
It's an evolution over time andI don't think that ever.
I mean we don't.
It's not something that has toend.
There's no start and end dateon it.
It just happens and we evolveand things change and I think
that when we look at our healingfrom that perspective doesn't
have that same heaviness to it.
It feels a little bit moreexpansive, and that's just how
(19:06):
I've been trying to wrap my headaround it.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (19:09):
No, but you're spot on, you know what it
is.
I think people need to put anend date on it because they need
a sense of control over it.
Yeah, and without that end date, without the finish line, it
can feel emotionally, it canfeel very overwhelming, but it
can, you know.
I think that then comes back toyou having to manage your
(19:32):
emotions.
It's just like they're allintertwined.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (19:36):
So yeah, that's a fun process.
How would you say?
You know, it's been veryentertaining, to say the least.
I could write a sitcom on it.
Yeah, for real.
What would you say is thebalance between you know, the
spirituality, the mindset work,the trauma healing, like how do
you know, like, how does someonenavigate all this?
(19:57):
Like I mean, it was a lot ofguessing work obviously in the
beginning and I know I have myways of thinking through.
Ok, now it's time to do traumawork, now it's time to do
mindset work.
How do you balance those twoelements out?
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (20:11):
I mean for myself, it's probably a little
different than like how I wouldtalk to somebody else, just
mainly because, like for me, itcomes down to my own self-trust,
right.
So when I'm sitting with myselfI'm really clued in to what's
coming up for me and what I need, and I can't always articulate
(20:32):
it, but I'll know what I needand I'll go in that direction.
And it's not, first of all,it's not a coach or therapist's
job to tell other people what todo.
You know what.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (20:43):
I mean Amen .
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (20:44):
Like it's our job to?
Yeah, it's so, but it's soimportant because that's even
that's harmful to do to someone.
You create a dependency betweenthe coach and the client or the
therapist and the client, andthe truth is it's their job to
listen.
And I can't speak fortherapists because I'm not one,
but in my coaching and in mytrauma support, it's my job to
(21:07):
point you in the right directionand to show you your you know
your flawed thinking and topoint out those gaps in your
awareness and to provide you thetools and provide you the
strategies.
And that's usually why peoplecome to me is they've gone to
the therapy and they've got thesounding board, but they're like
(21:29):
I don't know what to do now.
Yeah, and so when I'm talking tosomebody else and I'm like, and
they're like overwhelmed, wheredo I begin?
It's really you got to start,especially with trauma, you got
to start at the most present,pressing matter, yeah, and then
work from there.
So we, you know, sometimespeople show up and and they sign
(21:50):
up to work with me and they'relike I just have so much.
Really, I got 30 years and Iand, and they, then they, they
look at me and they go are youoverwhelmed?
And I go.
No, what's the thing that'shappening right now, like tell
me what happened today or tellme what happened yesterday, and
they think I'm just like wastingtheir time at first.
(22:11):
And then they catch on and theyrealize oh, she knows what the
hell she's doing.
Yeah, because I, like we we're,we'll clean up everything, but
the thing that's most active andpresent is the thing that needs
to be looked at.
And if that thing happens to bea surfaced thing that we need
to, like, work on some mindsetstuff and yeah, you know
(22:32):
reframes of then, we work on it,but most times it leads to
something else.
Something deeper exactly.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (22:40):
Yeah, it's like follow the thread back.
Yeah, before you know whatyou're talking to, their
two-year-old version ofthemselves.
And Okay, so really quickly.
Self-trust, right, becauseobviously that's a big thing and
if you've been through well,two things that you mentioned
that are important self-trustand, and you know how do we get
(23:00):
that back after we'veexperienced trauma and how do we
know we've been traumatized?
Because, I'll be honest, forthe first 40 years of my life, I
had no clue that trauma washappening beneath the surface.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (23:10):
Honestly, I don't think I mean, neither
did I.
Like I don't think many peopledo.
Yeah, and and and a lot ofpeople, again, they want the
sense of control.
So they want, like, could youjust give me a list of like
symptoms?
And the truth is that they allagain, like they're all
interchangeable.
Yeah, it's like, have you everand I'm sure the majority people
(23:31):
have have you ever googled?
Like I have a cramp on my leftside of my body?
Right, like if you could needan organ removed?
Or yeah, it could be gas.
Like nobody really knows untilyou're assessed, it's true.
Yeah, so so, when it comes tolike, how do you know you have
trauma?
Like I can give like the answerin terms of if you've ever
(23:55):
experienced like abuse in anyform.
Right, like name-calling,bullying, gas lighting,
manipulation, neglect on anylevel, things like that.
Right, like Everybody wants togo to these, these big, bold
labels of like my parents were anarcissist or my X was a
(24:18):
narcissist and it's.
The truth is we all havenarcissistic qualities.
Yeah, and there's very few ofus who have been actually
diagnosed with NPD, so, like, wecan't use those things to
really determine you've beenthrough trauma or not.
The truth is?
Is that like Do you actuallyknow what healthy feels?
(24:40):
Like, do you?
know what it feels like forsomeone to be honest and
supportive, and then people,literally, when you break it
down that way and deconstruct it, they go.
What does that look like?
Because that was me.
I was like, well, love isscreaming and yelling in my face
and Support is making me doeverything for you and you do
nothing for me.
That was, yeah, that was myupbringing, right.
(25:01):
So I think we got to take itdown to the very basics, the
simple level of Define love forme, define care, define kindness
, define support.
What does that look like for you?
Right, tell me about yourrelationships and what people
like to talk about themselves.
And if you just ask them totalk about themselves and talk
(25:24):
about their relationships andyou actually listen, you will
find out very quickly Wow,you've experienced a major
trauma, but I can put the labelon it from the outside and I
think the really big takeawayhere at the end of the day is
really, it's not the eventitself that caused the trauma,
because there's people that havebeen traumatized by breakups
(25:46):
and there's people that have notbeen traumatized by.
Yeah, it comes down to how didyou cope with it?
Yeah, and that's why I woulddeconstruct it down to like well
, how are you defining thisright like?
What are you leaning into?
What is familiar to you?
What do you like?
What do you like to receive?
Because that will tell me howyou coped with it.
Wow.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (26:08):
That is so beautiful.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (26:09):
Yeah.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (26:10):
I love that because it totally like you
said, it moves away from puttingthe blame or whatever on the
experience because, like yousaid, people can go through many
different things in manydifferent ways and come out with
very different results and verydifferent ways of feeling and
believing about what happened tothem.
So I think what you said is soimportant we need to deconstruct
(26:33):
what we perceive in that momentthat it's happening and what.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (26:37):
Yeah, I think that's important for
people to hear.
Also, when they're leaning intogetting support from someone
you know, hiring someone, that'sanother question.
Especially after a traumaticincident or an abuse, they're
like how do I know if thisperson can even help me?
How can I trust them?
Because they don't trustthemselves and they don't trust
(26:58):
their gauge.
And really the best teachers,the best coaches, the best
therapists will simplify it.
They're not going to be usingthe big ass fancy language where
you know they're like oh, youwent in, you're in ventral
vehicle.
We don't talk like that, wedon't.
You know what I mean.
(27:18):
We're going to explain it toyou in a very basic way so you
can actually grasp it.
That's the best teacher and I'msure if you thought back to any
teacher you've ever had, fromelementary school all the way up
to how high you went, thosewere the best teachers, the ones
that could relate, the onesthat made it make sense for you,
(27:39):
and so if they speak to youthat way, listen and connect to
it, because they'll help you.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (27:47):
Oh my God.
It's like the differencebetween the teacher of like, the
one that speaks down to youfrom a pedestal and just wants
to be like present as a leader,but the one who actually is a
leader, who is like how do Ihelp people understand and how
do I get people to tap intotheir wisdom?
(28:08):
It's almost like that wholeguru thing.
People wanted to kind of be ontop of this pedestal and
speaking to people and being thebe all, end, all solution.
But people got smart andthey're like no, at least some
of it, and I think people arecatching on right.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (28:25):
Yeah, because anyone could read a book
, but not everybody has actuallyimplemented, integrated, made
it make sense for them, lived it, breathed it, embodied it and
then can teach it.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (28:37):
Yeah, and I think that's the key.
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (28:40):
Yeah.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (28:41):
Oh my gosh, amy, thank you so much.
You're so welcome.
It has been such a pleasure tohave you and I'm so excited to
see you know people want toconnect with you if they want to
follow you.
I know you've got some goodiescoming up too.
I do.
Can you share a little bitabout how people can get in
touch with you or follow you andwhat you've got coming up for
us?
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (29:01):
Absolutely so.
I have a course coming outRebuilding Self-Trust.
It's brand new.
I'm very, very, very excitedabout it.
It's a three module course.
It's comprehensive, but it'sgoing to give you some precise
strategies to rebuilding thatself-trust.
And really, I mean I'm on everysocial media platform, but the
best place to find me andconnect is on Instagram, at
(29:23):
AmyTheLifeCoach, or going rightto my website, amyfiedlercom.
You can also check out mypodcast Connect the Dots Bitch
on Apple, Spotify or whereveryou stream your podcasts Amazing
.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (29:40):
Okay, Amy, thank you so much for being here
.
It has been an absolutepleasure.
Good luck in this last leg ofyour pregnancy.
You look gorgeous.
When's the date?
When's the due date?
AMY @AMYTHELIFECOACH (29:51):
The due date is January 19th.
So we are, we're almost there.
We're moving into the thirdtrimester now, oh my God, so
exciting, is baby room ready.
No, no, it's chaos over here.
I love it.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (30:06):
I love it Okay, Amy, we will have you back
with baby in hands, maybe forthe next one.
Yes, I would love to.
Yeah, no, that would be amazing.
I will talk again very soon.
That is it for this week.
Everyone, until next time,massive love.
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