April 7, 2025 • 20 mins
Have you ever found yourself obsessively drawn to someone you knew wasn’t right for you—and then judged yourself for it?
This episode of The Femme Cast is about to blow the lid off what attraction really means.
The truth is: attraction isn't random. It’s coded into your spiritual DNA as a divine mechanism for healing and evolution. Those magnetic pulls? They're not mistakes—they're soul compasses pointing you toward the lessons you most need to grow.
Let’s be real.
That emotionally unavailable ex?
That situationship you knew was a dead end but couldn’t quit?
That person who waved every red flag in the book and still had you hooked?
They were never random. They were assignments.
In this vulnerable and eye-opening conversation, I'll share my raw personal journey of being irresistibly attracted to all the wrong people—until the day it all changed. From feeling butterflies for toxic partners to now experiencing the “ick” response when faced with the same dynamics, I unpack what happens when you finally learn the lesson, integrate it, and shift your energetic signature.
No more attracting what wounds you.
No more settling out of fear of being alone.
Just wholeness, boundaries, and magnetism that only calls in what’s aligned with your highest good.
Get ready for an empowering reminder that healing changes your taste—and that’s a good thing.
Here’s what you’ll learn in this episode:
- Why attraction is your soul’s GPS—and how to read it
- The real reason you're drawn to red flags (and how to stop)
- How healing shifts your desires from toxic patterns to healthy love
- What it really means when someone suddenly gives you the “ick”
- The importance of curiosity, not shame, in examining your attraction patterns
- Why boundaries aren’t walls—they’re magnets for emotionally available partners
- How to tell when you’re choosing from fear vs. choosing from wholeness
- Why the willingness to be alone is the ultimate power move in love
Let’s normalize healing, conscious attraction, and waiting for the love that chooses you back—every single time.
Let's do this.
PS: Stop begging to be chosen. Choose yourself instead.
You’re not here to beg, chase, or perform for the bare minimum.
You’re here to reclaim your power and become magnetic to real, soul-aligned love, success, and abundance.
Reclaim the version of you that never had to beg to be chosen.
Book your 90-minute Sacred Reclamation Intensive.
But fair warning—authentic connections, aligned opportunities, and breakthroughs in love, money, and purpose are inevitable.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MARIA @THEFEMMECAST (00:00):
Hey you guys, what is up?
Welcome back to the show, soexcited and grateful that you're
here.
Welcome, if you're new, let'sdive in.
Okay, I know we had a bit of adifficult conversation last week
.
Guess what.
We're going to have another onethis week.
Yay, I'm so excited.
No, I'm not.
But a difficult conversation,but one that definitely,
definitely needs to be had, andthat is this.
(00:29):
I love you guys, but just so youknow, you are always going to
be attracted to the person,place or thing that you need on
a soul level in order to heal,evolve and grow.
Okay, not, they're always goingto find you, not, they're
always going to.
I mean, there's yeah, there's alittle bit of that too, but
(00:49):
you're also always going to beattracted to and this is part of
our divine design, so that weseek out the very thing that
helps us evolve as spiritualbeings.
Now, this is going to get alittle woo-woo for some of you,
but hear me out.
If we are truly all justspiritual beings having a human
(01:10):
experience here on this planetfor our own spiritual growth and
evolution, wouldn't it makesense that we naturally
gravitate to the people, placesand things that are going to
trigger the crap inside of usthat is going to bring us to our
own spiritual healing andevolution.
Of course I mean, if I were Goddesign us that way, right, of
(01:36):
course?
Of course we're hardwired forthis.
We are hardwired to seek outand be attracted to the very
thing that is going to help ussee where it is that we need to
evolve, the lesson that it isthat we need to learn, and how
we are meant to apply it so thatwe we could experience the
evolution that we came here toexperience.
(01:58):
Case in point many of you know Irecently got back online.
Very different experience thanthe last time, around a few
years ago.
Very different experience.
Here's what's changed.
I am not attracted to the sametype of person that I was
(02:18):
attracted to before, anything.
When I see them now, it actuallybecomes a massive turnoff for
me.
And the reason is been there,done that, learned that lesson,
ain't doing that, not even that.
I'm not doing that again.
Like it's not that, I'm, it'snot that.
I'm telling myself, no, no, no,I'm not, I'm not going down
that road again.
(02:39):
We've been down that road andI'm denying part of myself.
No, I'm actually like turned offby what I used to be turned on
by, if that makes sense, likenow when I see it, it's like ugh
, like it's like an ick, likeit's not even that I've got I
(02:59):
put you know how sometimes theysay you know you can put
yourself in denial and say mm-mm, nope, been out with that guy
before.
I know exactly who he is andwhat he's all about.
I ain't going down that roadagain, no, but you still feel
the activity downtown.
You know what I'm talking about.
But you're like, try and denyyourself, but you're not really,
because downtown you're like,but it's on, no, not like that,
(03:21):
it's like an ick, it is the ick.
You know the ick that you get,that you can't like unick after
you ick it.
It's like no, not happening.
And I really do believe it'sbecause I got all I needed to
get from my homework back in theday and I really don't need to
(03:43):
repeat that grade again.
I don't, and so I'm notattracted to it anymore.
And not only am I not attractedto it, but I can smell it a
mile away and I'm actuallypretty repulsive to them.
They don't like, they don'tparticularly appreciate my
(04:05):
boundaries or my standards orthe fact that I'm pretty clear
on what it is that I want.
They're not a fan, right, andso it's kind of like huh, this
is interesting.
I feel like my life has becomethis like experiment and I'm
literally seeing, like the aftereffects of, like whatever
(04:27):
potion I've created.
I'm seeing the after effects ofit now and I'm like this is
interesting because it wasn'tlike that before.
Okay, and it's funny because,you know, as long as the lesson
was there, the attraction wasinsane, even though they weren't
(04:48):
for me.
I mean, they were essentially,but they weren't like not long
term, they weren't my long term,they weren't my long term
person, but so they weren't forme.
And yet I could not and this,and yet I convinced myself that
they were.
They weren't good people, but Ilied to myself and made myself
believe that they were.
(05:08):
I sure as hell made it seemlike they were to everyone else,
you know, because God forbidanybody else know the truth.
So I was like covering up how Ireally what I really felt, not
only what I really felt andbelieved, but also how they were
behaving right.
So it was like I was makingmyself believe it was something
better than it was, and I wasalso making everything everybody
else believe it was somethingbetter than it was, and I even
(05:31):
believe, on some level, I wasmaking them feel like they were
better than they were, you know,and that's probably why they
kept coming back, because I keptboosting their ego and I made
them feel really good aboutthemselves in the process, right
?
So now it's like that's.
Those days are done, finally,oh, finally.
No more, no more, nope.
(05:53):
But for as long as I needed tolearn those lessons, I needed to
.
I needed to keep attractingthose types of individuals, and
not only just attracting them,but I also needed to be
attracted to them in order toallow them in so I can
experience whatever it was I wasmeant to experience with them.
Take the lesson, extract it,apply it and move on.
(06:14):
This took several attempts.
It does not have to takeseveral attempts.
You can shrink the time down.
Okay, take several attempts,you can shrink the time down.
Okay.
Now hear me out.
I am not saying this is not agreen light, like, listen, okay.
This is not a green light towhoever you know flutters your
(06:39):
butterfly to like, go out thereand just be like okay, let's go.
You know, be careful, usecaution.
Okay, tread lightly, becausethis is not a green light for
you to go out there and just dowhatever your libido tells you
to do, because your libido lies.
I'm telling you that right nowit lies.
But there is something to besaid.
(07:00):
When you are attracted tosomebody and the more attracted
you are attracted to somebody,and the more attracted you are,
the more you need to questionwhy you're so, especially in the
beginning.
Like I think it's normal tohave like a built up attraction
with a partner.
I think that's healthy.
But when you have that insaneattraction in the beginning and
you know, you know they're notfor you, like you know they're
not good for you, you can telljust by looking at them that
(07:21):
they are not your person.
And yet there's this part ofyou that's like but can we,
would it be really bad?
How many red flags are theyholding up Really?
Are they really red or are theyjust kind of pink?
No, they're red.
You see them.
There's many of them and you'repretending that they're not
there.
Why I want you to start.
(07:42):
I want you to get curious, okay?
So, rather than running offinto the sunset with Mr Red
Flags, which is probably,instead of a sunset, probably
gonna only turn out to be, Idon't know what would be the
just five minutes, but anyway Ididn't wanna to go there.
(08:03):
Anyway, point is you ain'tgoing to run off the sunset with
Mr Red Flags.
What you are going to do is belike, hmm, I'm strangely turned
on by Mr Red Flags.
I wonder why.
What is it that turns me onabout him?
How this is a very importantquestion how does he remind me
of my last partner or my lastfew partners?
(08:24):
What is it about him thatreminds me of them?
What is it about how, the wayhe behaves, that is reminiscent
of them?
Or how does he make me feelabout myself that maybe they
made me feel in the beginning,when I first met them, and I got
kind of hooked to that feeling?
You want to start to explore allof these things and start to
ask yourself what was the lessonthe last time for me that maybe
(08:48):
I ignored and I haven't fullyintegrated into my life today?
Where have I been kind ofneglecting?
Where the lessons were?
And this lesson's now comingback, knocking on my doorstep.
Hello to like, be let back intomy world, when I've actually
said but universe, what I'mlooking for is the partner.
(09:09):
Like my life partner, I wantthe man of my dreams to show up
at my front door and you keepsending me these douchebags
because you need to be ready forthe man of your dreams and
therefore the universe is likebut I need to send you these
douchebags so you're ready, soyou don't fuck it up when I send
them to you, do you get that?
So, instead of running flamesfirst into this red flag
(09:33):
relationship again, like you didthe last time and the time
before and the time before thatpause, why might this be coming
back?
Why might this person bepresenting themselves to me
right now, and why am I soattracted?
What is it really that I'mattracted to?
What is it about them that I'veseen in my partners before that
(09:54):
I've not learned a lesson andnot integrated and done things
in my life differently.
So, like an integration wouldbe so many different things.
Right, it could be.
You know, if I think back to alot of my past relationships, I
ignored the red flags.
I ignored the red flags.
I listened to my libido.
It got me into trouble everysingle time and every time I got
(10:17):
into a relationship, I keptignoring the red flags and
thinking if the attraction wasthere, it was on, it was perfect
, everything else we could workthrough Bullshit, right.
For me, it was about letting goof this notion that, you know,
attraction was all we needed inorder to make a relationship
work.
I needed to realize thatthere's a lot more that goes
(10:40):
into a relationship than justattraction.
So much more, so much more.
There's also, for me, wasboundaries.
I never upheld my boundaries inrelationship, right, and you
know, people came and went and Ifelt disempowered and taken
advantage of every single time Iovergave.
They didn't give anything inreturn.
I felt depleted, exhausted and,you know, taken advantage of in
(11:02):
the end.
And that was because, veryspecifically because I needed to
learn boundaries and I kept youknow every time it would happen
.
It was almost like the oppositewould be true the more people
would leave and the more peoplewould break my heart, and the
more people would abandon me,the less boundaries I would have
, because I would think I needto be more flexible, more
(11:25):
accommodating, more convenient,otherwise people are just going
to keep leaving me.
Right?
But what an actual fact Ineeded to do was the exact
opposite.
I needed to learn not to letpeople walk all over me.
I needed to learn to havehigher standards for myself.
I needed to learn not to letpeople walk all over me.
I needed to learn to havehigher standards for myself.
I needed to learn to speak mytruth, even when it was
uncomfortable, and say theuncomfortable things and really
(11:47):
have those boundaries that Ineeded emotionally, physically
and mentally so that I could bemy best self, and only then
would I be a match for a healthyrelationship, because only a
healthy relationship wouldexpect and appreciate those
things, and a toxic one won't.
And I can assure you that thetoxic guys online are not
(12:10):
digging my standards andboundaries right now, and I'm
fully okay with that.
There's one thing that reallystarts to happen when you start
to do this work and move througha lot of these lessons, and
that is that, like you know,like we talked about last week,
that fear that you're not goingto, that you're going to have,
(12:32):
that you're going to be alone,starts to fade.
That fear that you're not goingto find the perfect person
starts to go away.
That fear that that FOMO oflike oh my God, but what if this
is my person and I'm too hastyor I'm not convenient enough, or
I push them away, and all thesethings that you used to tell
(12:52):
yourself.
They're no longer relevantBecause, you know, even though,
like to this day and this isjust me being fully honest do I
want a partner?
Of course I want a partner.
That's why I'm online, becausedeep down, I really do want to
be with a partner and I'm readyto be with a partner and I'm
ready to share my life with apartner.
But here's what we're not doingthat we used to do.
(13:13):
We're not settling in order tohave that partner.
I am not settling on my values,my boundaries and the things
that I'm looking for in arelationship Like I would
literally rather be on my ownthan settle again.
Do you know what I mean?
And it's not to say that I willbe on my own, but you almost
(13:34):
need to be willing to make thatchoice, to say listen, I know
what I want in this life, I knowwhat I want in a relationship.
I'm not settling in this life.
I know what I want in arelationship.
I'm not settling for lessanymore.
I'm just not available.
And that's not to say that theperson that you're with needs to
be perfect.
Of course not.
Nobody's perfect.
I'm not perfect.
How can I expect perfection?
Right, they're human, I'm human, but there needs to be.
(13:54):
You know, there's certainthings that you know are my non
negotiables in terms of how I'mtreated in a relationship and
how a partner shows up in arelationship, and you know I'm
not willing to bend on those.
And so you know, going outthere now, you know and this is
the beauty of not being afraid,to be alone for a little while
(14:15):
is you don't make these shittyass decisions because you just
want to have someone there.
You are willing to say pass, I'mgoing to wait for the right one
and I would rather be on my own, living my best life, doing the
things that I need to do for meand my world, so that you know
(14:35):
and be available and open whenthe right person does come along
, because I do know that theywill.
I don't know how long it'sgoing to take.
Maybe it'll be tomorrow, maybeit'll be a year from now, who
knows?
But the point is and it mayeven get uncomfortable sometimes
, like you know, I've been on myown.
(14:56):
Now for what seven years I wasin a relationship last year.
That was amazing.
Do I want to wait another yearsfor another seven years for a
relationship?
Probably not.
Would I feel good about that?
Probably not, but here's what Ido know.
Okay, what I know is that Iwould rather do that than settle
for the wrong one, because Iknow what I'm, what I deserve.
(15:18):
Do that than settle for thewrong one because I know what I
deserve.
Does that make sense?
So, even though it might stillbe a little bit, yeah, I'd be
sad if it took seven years tofind them.
Sure, I would be, of course Iwould be, but that doesn't mean
I'm going to settle on somethingthat I don't want in order to
have just someone there.
(15:43):
You know, because I mean, whatwas the point of the last seven
years if that's the choice thatI make now, you know, and I can
make that choice and not do it,you know, not begrudgingly.
Or you know, it's because, butno, because, as much as I would
love to have somebody here today, I'm not willing to lower my
(16:05):
standards or or, or, or, youknow, neglect my boundaries in
order to have somebody in myworld.
That's just not how we do shit.
No more, you know, and I'm okaywith that.
That's just not how we do shit.
No more, you know, and I'm okaywith that.
And that's the point you needto get to, because only then are
you going to make the rightdecision on who it is that you
(16:26):
want to be with.
You can't make a right decisionwhen you're still caught up in
the fear of oh, but, oh, my God,what if I'm alone?
And you have to just be okay?
You have to be okay with beingalone in your mentally, even
though you may not have to be,but you have to be willing to
accept that outcome for a littlewhile in order to say to the
(16:53):
universe no, no, no, no.
We're not doing this game, nomore.
We're not going back therewhere we went before.
We're not attracted to thatanymore.
I'm okay with waiting until theright thing comes along and
until then I'll focus on myself.
I'll do, I'll live my best life.
I'll do the things that I wantto do.
I'll take the vacations I wantto take.
I'll take the cooking classesor whatever yoga classes or
(17:15):
Pilates.
Whatever you want to do, dowhatever floats your boat until
that person shows up.
But the important thing is thatyou don't self-abandon yourself.
And what you want in arelationship and how you want to
be treated, and what you expectin a partner in order to just
(17:35):
have somebody there next toyou's probably gonna make you
more unhappy than you thinkyou're gonna be when you're on
your own Because, honestly, ifyou're doing it like I said, the
goal I'm not gonna say ifyou're doing it right, but the
goal is to get to the pointwhere you can enjoy the time
that you spend with you andwhatever way feels good to you.
(17:59):
I will leave you with that.
If you love this episode,please leave a positive rating
and review on iTunes or Spotifyor wherever you're listening to
this podcast.
Until next time, you guys,massive love.
Hey you guys, what is up?
Welcome back to the show, soexcited and grateful that you're
here.
Welcome, if you're new, let'sdive in.
Okay, I know we had a bit of adifficult conversation last week
.
Guess what.
We're going to have another onethis week.
Yay, I'm so excited.
No, I'm not.
But a difficult conversation,but one that definitely,
definitely needs to be had, andthat is this.
(00:29):
I love you guys, but just so youknow, you are always going to
be attracted to the person,place or thing that you need on
a soul level in order to heal,evolve and grow.
Okay, not, they're always goingto find you, not, they're
always going to.
I mean, there's yeah, there's alittle bit of that too, but
(00:49):
you're also always going to beattracted to and this is part of
our divine design, so that weseek out the very thing that
helps us evolve as spiritualbeings.
Now, this is going to get alittle woo-woo for some of you,
but hear me out.
If we are truly all justspiritual beings having a human
(01:10):
experience here on this planetfor our own spiritual growth and
evolution, wouldn't it makesense that we naturally
gravitate to the people, placesand things that are going to
trigger the crap inside of usthat is going to bring us to our
own spiritual healing andevolution.
Of course I mean, if I were Goddesign us that way, right, of
(01:36):
course?
Of course we're hardwired forthis.
We are hardwired to seek outand be attracted to the very
thing that is going to help ussee where it is that we need to
evolve, the lesson that it isthat we need to learn, and how
we are meant to apply it so thatwe we could experience the
evolution that we came here toexperience.
(01:58):
Case in point many of you know Irecently got back online.
Very different experience thanthe last time, around a few
years ago.
Very different experience.
Here's what's changed.
I am not attracted to the sametype of person that I was
(02:18):
attracted to before, anything.
When I see them now, it actuallybecomes a massive turnoff for
me.
And the reason is been there,done that, learned that lesson,
ain't doing that, not even that.
I'm not doing that again.
Like it's not that, I'm, it'snot that.
I'm telling myself, no, no, no,I'm not, I'm not going down
that road again.
(02:39):
We've been down that road andI'm denying part of myself.
No, I'm actually like turned offby what I used to be turned on
by, if that makes sense, likenow when I see it, it's like ugh
, like it's like an ick, likeit's not even that I've got I
(02:59):
put you know how sometimes theysay you know you can put
yourself in denial and say mm-mm, nope, been out with that guy
before.
I know exactly who he is andwhat he's all about.
I ain't going down that roadagain, no, but you still feel
the activity downtown.
You know what I'm talking about.
But you're like, try and denyyourself, but you're not really,
because downtown you're like,but it's on, no, not like that,
(03:21):
it's like an ick, it is the ick.
You know the ick that you get,that you can't like unick after
you ick it.
It's like no, not happening.
And I really do believe it'sbecause I got all I needed to
get from my homework back in theday and I really don't need to
(03:43):
repeat that grade again.
I don't, and so I'm notattracted to it anymore.
And not only am I not attractedto it, but I can smell it a
mile away and I'm actuallypretty repulsive to them.
They don't like, they don'tparticularly appreciate my
(04:05):
boundaries or my standards orthe fact that I'm pretty clear
on what it is that I want.
They're not a fan, right, andso it's kind of like huh, this
is interesting.
I feel like my life has becomethis like experiment and I'm
literally seeing, like the aftereffects of, like whatever
(04:27):
potion I've created.
I'm seeing the after effects ofit now and I'm like this is
interesting because it wasn'tlike that before.
Okay, and it's funny because,you know, as long as the lesson
was there, the attraction wasinsane, even though they weren't
(04:48):
for me.
I mean, they were essentially,but they weren't like not long
term, they weren't my long term,they weren't my long term
person, but so they weren't forme.
And yet I could not and this,and yet I convinced myself that
they were.
They weren't good people, but Ilied to myself and made myself
believe that they were.
(05:08):
I sure as hell made it seemlike they were to everyone else,
you know, because God forbidanybody else know the truth.
So I was like covering up how Ireally what I really felt, not
only what I really felt andbelieved, but also how they were
behaving right.
So it was like I was makingmyself believe it was something
better than it was, and I wasalso making everything everybody
else believe it was somethingbetter than it was, and I even
(05:31):
believe, on some level, I wasmaking them feel like they were
better than they were, you know,and that's probably why they
kept coming back, because I keptboosting their ego and I made
them feel really good aboutthemselves in the process, right
?
So now it's like that's.
Those days are done, finally,oh, finally.
No more, no more, nope.
(05:53):
But for as long as I needed tolearn those lessons, I needed to
.
I needed to keep attractingthose types of individuals, and
not only just attracting them,but I also needed to be
attracted to them in order toallow them in so I can
experience whatever it was I wasmeant to experience with them.
Take the lesson, extract it,apply it and move on.
(06:14):
This took several attempts.
It does not have to takeseveral attempts.
You can shrink the time down.
Okay, take several attempts,you can shrink the time down.
Okay.
Now hear me out.
I am not saying this is not agreen light, like, listen, okay.
This is not a green light towhoever you know flutters your
(06:39):
butterfly to like, go out thereand just be like okay, let's go.
You know, be careful, usecaution.
Okay, tread lightly, becausethis is not a green light for
you to go out there and just dowhatever your libido tells you
to do, because your libido lies.
I'm telling you that right nowit lies.
But there is something to besaid.
(07:00):
When you are attracted tosomebody and the more attracted
you are attracted to somebody,and the more attracted you are,
the more you need to questionwhy you're so, especially in the
beginning.
Like I think it's normal tohave like a built up attraction
with a partner.
I think that's healthy.
But when you have that insaneattraction in the beginning and
you know, you know they're notfor you, like you know they're
not good for you, you can telljust by looking at them that
(07:21):
they are not your person.
And yet there's this part ofyou that's like but can we,
would it be really bad?
How many red flags are theyholding up Really?
Are they really red or are theyjust kind of pink?
No, they're red.
You see them.
There's many of them and you'repretending that they're not
there.
Why I want you to start.
(07:42):
I want you to get curious, okay?
So, rather than running offinto the sunset with Mr Red
Flags, which is probably,instead of a sunset, probably
gonna only turn out to be, Idon't know what would be the
just five minutes, but anyway Ididn't wanna to go there.
(08:03):
Anyway, point is you ain'tgoing to run off the sunset with
Mr Red Flags.
What you are going to do is belike, hmm, I'm strangely turned
on by Mr Red Flags.
I wonder why.
What is it that turns me onabout him?
How this is a very importantquestion how does he remind me
of my last partner or my lastfew partners?
(08:24):
What is it about him thatreminds me of them?
What is it about how, the wayhe behaves, that is reminiscent
of them?
Or how does he make me feelabout myself that maybe they
made me feel in the beginning,when I first met them, and I got
kind of hooked to that feeling?
You want to start to explore allof these things and start to
ask yourself what was the lessonthe last time for me that maybe
(08:48):
I ignored and I haven't fullyintegrated into my life today?
Where have I been kind ofneglecting?
Where the lessons were?
And this lesson's now comingback, knocking on my doorstep.
Hello to like, be let back intomy world, when I've actually
said but universe, what I'mlooking for is the partner.
(09:09):
Like my life partner, I wantthe man of my dreams to show up
at my front door and you keepsending me these douchebags
because you need to be ready forthe man of your dreams and
therefore the universe is likebut I need to send you these
douchebags so you're ready, soyou don't fuck it up when I send
them to you, do you get that?
So, instead of running flamesfirst into this red flag
(09:33):
relationship again, like you didthe last time and the time
before and the time before thatpause, why might this be coming
back?
Why might this person bepresenting themselves to me
right now, and why am I soattracted?
What is it really that I'mattracted to?
What is it about them that I'veseen in my partners before that
(09:54):
I've not learned a lesson andnot integrated and done things
in my life differently.
So, like an integration wouldbe so many different things.
Right, it could be.
You know, if I think back to alot of my past relationships, I
ignored the red flags.
I ignored the red flags.
I listened to my libido.
It got me into trouble everysingle time and every time I got
(10:17):
into a relationship, I keptignoring the red flags and
thinking if the attraction wasthere, it was on, it was perfect
, everything else we could workthrough Bullshit, right.
For me, it was about letting goof this notion that, you know,
attraction was all we needed inorder to make a relationship
work.
I needed to realize thatthere's a lot more that goes
(10:40):
into a relationship than justattraction.
So much more, so much more.
There's also, for me, wasboundaries.
I never upheld my boundaries inrelationship, right, and you
know, people came and went and Ifelt disempowered and taken
advantage of every single time Iovergave.
They didn't give anything inreturn.
I felt depleted, exhausted and,you know, taken advantage of in
(11:02):
the end.
And that was because, veryspecifically because I needed to
learn boundaries and I kept youknow every time it would happen
.
It was almost like the oppositewould be true the more people
would leave and the more peoplewould break my heart, and the
more people would abandon me,the less boundaries I would have
, because I would think I needto be more flexible, more
(11:25):
accommodating, more convenient,otherwise people are just going
to keep leaving me.
Right?
But what an actual fact Ineeded to do was the exact
opposite.
I needed to learn not to letpeople walk all over me.
I needed to learn to havehigher standards for myself.
I needed to learn not to letpeople walk all over me.
I needed to learn to havehigher standards for myself.
I needed to learn to speak mytruth, even when it was
uncomfortable, and say theuncomfortable things and really
(11:47):
have those boundaries that Ineeded emotionally, physically
and mentally so that I could bemy best self, and only then
would I be a match for a healthyrelationship, because only a
healthy relationship wouldexpect and appreciate those
things, and a toxic one won't.
And I can assure you that thetoxic guys online are not
(12:10):
digging my standards andboundaries right now, and I'm
fully okay with that.
There's one thing that reallystarts to happen when you start
to do this work and move througha lot of these lessons, and
that is that, like you know,like we talked about last week,
that fear that you're not goingto, that you're going to have,
(12:32):
that you're going to be alone,starts to fade.
That fear that you're not goingto find the perfect person
starts to go away.
That fear that that FOMO oflike oh my God, but what if this
is my person and I'm too hastyor I'm not convenient enough, or
I push them away, and all thesethings that you used to tell
(12:52):
yourself.
They're no longer relevantBecause, you know, even though,
like to this day and this isjust me being fully honest do I
want a partner?
Of course I want a partner.
That's why I'm online, becausedeep down, I really do want to
be with a partner and I'm readyto be with a partner and I'm
ready to share my life with apartner.
But here's what we're not doingthat we used to do.
(13:13):
We're not settling in order tohave that partner.
I am not settling on my values,my boundaries and the things
that I'm looking for in arelationship Like I would
literally rather be on my ownthan settle again.
Do you know what I mean?
And it's not to say that I willbe on my own, but you almost
(13:34):
need to be willing to make thatchoice, to say listen, I know
what I want in this life, I knowwhat I want in a relationship.
I'm not settling in this life.
I know what I want in arelationship.
I'm not settling for lessanymore.
I'm just not available.
And that's not to say that theperson that you're with needs to
be perfect.
Of course not.
Nobody's perfect.
I'm not perfect.
How can I expect perfection?
Right, they're human, I'm human, but there needs to be.
(13:54):
You know, there's certainthings that you know are my non
negotiables in terms of how I'mtreated in a relationship and
how a partner shows up in arelationship, and you know I'm
not willing to bend on those.
And so you know, going outthere now, you know and this is
the beauty of not being afraid,to be alone for a little while
(14:15):
is you don't make these shittyass decisions because you just
want to have someone there.
You are willing to say pass, I'mgoing to wait for the right one
and I would rather be on my own, living my best life, doing the
things that I need to do for meand my world, so that you know
(14:35):
and be available and open whenthe right person does come along
, because I do know that theywill.
I don't know how long it'sgoing to take.
Maybe it'll be tomorrow, maybeit'll be a year from now, who
knows?
But the point is and it mayeven get uncomfortable sometimes
, like you know, I've been on myown.
(14:56):
Now for what seven years I wasin a relationship last year.
That was amazing.
Do I want to wait another yearsfor another seven years for a
relationship?
Probably not.
Would I feel good about that?
Probably not, but here's what Ido know.
Okay, what I know is that Iwould rather do that than settle
for the wrong one, because Iknow what I'm, what I deserve.
(15:18):
Do that than settle for thewrong one because I know what I
deserve.
Does that make sense?
So, even though it might stillbe a little bit, yeah, I'd be
sad if it took seven years tofind them.
Sure, I would be, of course Iwould be, but that doesn't mean
I'm going to settle on somethingthat I don't want in order to
have just someone there.
(15:43):
You know, because I mean, whatwas the point of the last seven
years if that's the choice thatI make now, you know, and I can
make that choice and not do it,you know, not begrudgingly.
Or you know, it's because, butno, because, as much as I would
love to have somebody here today, I'm not willing to lower my
(16:05):
standards or or, or, or, youknow, neglect my boundaries in
order to have somebody in myworld.
That's just not how we do shit.
No more, you know, and I'm okaywith that.
That's just not how we do shit.
No more, you know, and I'm okaywith that.
And that's the point you needto get to, because only then are
you going to make the rightdecision on who it is that you
(16:26):
want to be with.
You can't make a right decisionwhen you're still caught up in
the fear of oh, but, oh, my God,what if I'm alone?
And you have to just be okay?
You have to be okay with beingalone in your mentally, even
though you may not have to be,but you have to be willing to
accept that outcome for a littlewhile in order to say to the
(16:53):
universe no, no, no, no.
We're not doing this game, nomore.
We're not going back therewhere we went before.
We're not attracted to thatanymore.
I'm okay with waiting until theright thing comes along and
until then I'll focus on myself.
I'll do, I'll live my best life.
I'll do the things that I wantto do.
I'll take the vacations I wantto take.
I'll take the cooking classesor whatever yoga classes or
(17:15):
Pilates.
Whatever you want to do, dowhatever floats your boat until
that person shows up.
But the important thing is thatyou don't self-abandon yourself.
And what you want in arelationship and how you want to
be treated, and what you expectin a partner in order to just
(17:35):
have somebody there next toyou's probably gonna make you
more unhappy than you thinkyou're gonna be when you're on
your own Because, honestly, ifyou're doing it like I said, the
goal I'm not gonna say ifyou're doing it right, but the
goal is to get to the pointwhere you can enjoy the time
that you spend with you andwhatever way feels good to you.
(17:59):
I will leave you with that.
If you love this episode,please leave a positive rating
and review on iTunes or Spotifyor wherever you're listening to
this podcast.
Until next time, you guys,massive love.
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