238 - Manifesting Joy

In this episode, Savannah comes to the mic solo as Julie is away in southern California at an event. She shares her concern for losing joy for embodying Savannah at a time where she is also feeling great joy creating a character design for Halloween, and reconciling the feelings and emotions in between. Savannah also touches on a personal battle with body dysphoria and a surprising shift to body positivity. And last, but not least, Savannah shares two amazing interactions at Starbucks with a coworker recognizing Savannah for the first and experiencing the innocence of a young girl just wanting to wave and say, "Hi."

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SAVANNAH HAUK is the author of “Living with Crossdressing: Defining a New Normal” and “Living with Crossdressing: Discovering your True Identity“. While both focus on the male-to-female (mtf) crossdresser, “Defining a New Normal” delves into crossdressing and relationships and “Discovering Your True Identity” looks at the individual crossdressing journey. Her latest achievements are two TEDx Talks, one entitled "Demystifying the Crossdressing Experience" and the other "13 Milliseconds: First Impressions of Gender Expression". Savannah is a male-to-female dual-gender crossdresser who is visible in the Upstate of South Carolina, active in local groups and advocating as a public speaker at LGBTQ+ conferences and workshops across the United States. At the moment, Savannah is working on more books, blogs, and projects focused on letting every crossdresser–young and mature–find their own confidence, expression, identity and voice.

IG @savannahhauk | FB @savannahhauk | FB @livingwithcrossdressing | web @livingwithcrossdressing.com

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JULIE RUBENSTEIN is a dedicated ally to transgender community and the certified image consultant and co-owner of Fox and Hanger. F&H is a unique service for transgender women and male-to-female crossdressers that creates customized virtual fashion and style “lookbooks”. Julie intuitively connects with each client to find them appropriate clothes, makeup, hair, and shape wear all in alignment with their budget, body type, authentic style and unique personality. Julie also provides enfemme coaching and wardrobe support. Julie has made it her life’s work to help MTF individuals feel safe and confident when it comes to their female persona, expression and identity.

IG @Juliemtfstyle | FB @foxandhanger | web @FoxandHanger.com

Episode Transcript

(00:06):
You're listening to the Fox in aPhoenix podcast, understanding
the feminine cross dressing experience.
I'm Savannah Hawk, dual gender male to female cross dresser,
LGBTQ plus advocate, TEDx speaker, and author of the
Living with Cross Dressing book series.
And I'm Julie Rubenstein, proud ally and Co founder of Fox and

(00:30):
hanger.com, a feminine styling and life coaching service for
crossdressers and transgender women.
Hey everybody, it is Savannah. Julie is gallivanting and being
amazing in Los Angeles this weekend.
Just check out her social media for some cool ass pics.
Just freaking gorgeous. So I'm missing her.

(00:52):
Part 1 Where did the joy go? I couldn't wait to talk to you
today. Unfortunately, fortunately or
unfortunately, because I had such a great adventure today and
I just want to share it because I'm all in my feels.
It just, I don't know, it just seemed like everything
manifested perfectly for me today and I just want to share.

(01:12):
So going back to last weekend, Iwas in Atlanta with my amazing
friends for a sports event late in the day Saturday night.
We're just talking about how much joy I've been experiencing
with my costume for this year. I'm doing Belle from Being the
Beast and I'm taking it in a whole different direction.

(01:34):
I watch the movie, I have a whole different back story.
This is the multiversal alternate universe version of
Belle if things are going a whole different way.
And so I've been crazy excited with the dress, with the
accessories I just finished, andI was struggling with the fact
that I'm finding so much joy with the costume and with its

(01:56):
creation and with me embodying the character.
Unfortunately, it set me down a darker path, and that darker
path was, hey, what's going on? Why don't I feel this way about
Savannah lately? I'm getting so much energy and
positivity and joy doing this costume.
You know, I still feel that way about Savannah.
What's going on? And at the end of it all, Long

(02:20):
story short, we spoke about it when I was in Atlanta, kind of
sussed it out Saturday night, and then we came back to the
table at the diner Sunday morning, and we're just talking
about the embodiment of being who you are.
You know, sometimes the joy, it might not be there.
Sometimes you Don your armor, your feminine, gorgeous armor

(02:42):
for other people. You do it for your advocacy.
You do it for the podcast. You do it to be visible.
Sometimes you lose yourself in that.
So for me, it's been a little ofthat, of losing myself in favor
of the efforts, the advocacy, the doing the work, being there
for others, letting them know that everything is going to be

(03:06):
perfectly all right. So doing the costume was the
opposite. It was doing it purely for me
and the excitement of building astory, building the character,
building the genesis of why she does what she does.
And I'm will be very, very excited about that.
So trying to disconnect the joy of the costume and its creation

(03:29):
and that character and rekindling my joy of the
Savannah for myself was a littlebit of a, a bump in a row that I
had to navigate. For instance, in October, I
dressed kind of in this little witchy costume.
It had a hood, black and Reds and corset ribboning on it.
Very, very gothy. And I was wearing my silver hair

(03:52):
and that really I did purely forme, that was indicative of
taking my own self back, taking part of me that sometimes gets
put aside for others. It gets kind of put in the back
seat and you kind of lose that little bit.
So always remember to find yourself in everything.

(04:12):
So I'm learning to recenter myself and find that center and
find the joy for both myself primarily and everything else
that comes from that is a beautiful byproduct of being
most true to myself. With that said, today, you know,
now the second time where I've been able to come out and be

(04:33):
out, I decided that I'm purely again going to do everything for
me. I spent yesterday, I spent
Saturday working on my costume, I worked on all the accessories
and everything turned out exactly the way I hoped that it
was in my head. I am not super crafty, I'm not a

(04:53):
cosplay designer, but I was ableto pull together a bunch of
pieces that really worked well together.
And the dream in my head became manifested as what's going to be
in a costume. I ended up going to the craft
store. In the midst of all that, I met
this woman also in the fabric section, and she just happened
to ask me, oh what, you know, what are you doing?

(05:14):
And I told her about the cosplayjust to find out that she is an
alteration specialist. So I was able to take my dress
in to have the straps tightened up and shortened so that it will
fit better, which was really theonly thing it needed.
So that was fortuitous. That was manifested.
Part 2. Body positivity.

(05:35):
And then today today, which is been an amazing day, I woke up
decided that I was going to wearthis gauzy red long sleeve
bodysuit with kind of a velvety filigree pattern to it in black.
You know, I'm putting on all theunderpinnings and my long line

(05:58):
bra and the hose that's a littlebit shiny and a compressive
thong that I was wearing with the long one bra and everything
was started feeling very positive.
When I put the underwear on, it felt very positive.
When I put on a bodysuit, I feltcomfortable in it.
I was feeling a lot of body positivity, which I have not

(06:24):
felt in a while. And I put a a leather pencil
skirt on it, something I've wornmany times, and that really
popped the outfit as well. And then I did my makeup and
went very Reds and blacks and I just felt just really good.
I had a very body positive aura around me.

(06:45):
So I went off to Starbucks with that positivity in mind.
I was sharing with in a group chat of a lot of us who
descended on South Carolina and Atlanta, the Atlanta Comfort
conference in Keystone. And we have a group chat.
And I was just kind of sharing how I was feeling and how I was
feeling positive rolled up into Starbucks.

(07:06):
And as soon as I got there, one of the girls, well, actually
even before that today I decidedfor the first time ever to
change my name on my Starbucks profile just for the minute so
that when it prints out the ticket, it would say Savannah on
it. So that's the first time I've
done that and then changed it back for later in the week.
Then when I did show up, I ran right into one of the baristas

(07:29):
who's a very lovely supporting person and we chatted and I gave
her a hug, then sat myself down,got myself ready to do some work
on the book 2 edits. Just was going so wonderfully.
And then one of the other baristas who was at the drive
through, she's waving at me and she says I manifested you being
here. I was still talking about you
this morning and now here you are.

(07:51):
And that was super sweet. It just was an amazing
experience thus far. Part 3.
Need joy. Found it.
But what really kept it off weretwo other unforeseeable events
could have manifested it if I had tried.
I'm sitting there doing my work and I tend to look up a lot when
people walk past or come in. Now I think that might be more

(08:14):
for protective measure where I just kind of clock who's coming
in and out. Just threat assessment, which is
terrible to have to do. I was just curious about who's
coming and going. So in this case, this woman
walks past me and I look at her and she locks on eyes with me.
And lo and behold, she recognizes me because she is my

(08:37):
coworker who does not know aboutSavannah.
And as a result, she's looking at me.
I'm looking at her, she's recognizing me.
Her eyes get wide. I smile at her.
And I beckoned her over to me. You gestured her over to me.
And she just got smacked at whatis this?
Not in a bad way. She was like, Oh my God.

(08:57):
And she's like, you look so beautiful.
And I said, well, you know, thisis me, I guess, you know now.
And she just welled up in happy tears and we hugged.
And then we released and just, we were taking each other in and
she was complimenting me. And you could see the witness in
her eyes, which was just so beautiful because it was this

(09:20):
connective moment that she utterly accepted me.
She saw me. She saw who I was, how I'm
dressed, and instantly landed toacceptance, which was so
amazing. All we could do is really just
keep hugging each other. And she's like, all right, well,
I don't want to keep you. I'm going to go and you know,
maybe we'll have a conversation tomorrow about it.

(09:41):
I don't know. But that moment of utter
unconditional acceptance from somebody faced with never
knowing anything about Savannah as her male Co worker and then
just rolling and leaning into accepting me as Savannah and
giving us that space for that moment together.

(10:02):
And seeing that she's like, I'm going to cry and just like just
so emotional and so amazing. And it's so touched my heart and
I really couldn't stand it. It was so beautiful a moment.
So as one of the baristas, she comes off shift and she comes
over, she gives me a hug. We're very good friends from
self barista patron relationship.

(10:24):
But taking it to that one next level, she comes off shift, she
sits next to me and I'm counter about my Co worker and how they
went down. Just talked about what's going
on in her life and just buildingon this amazing moment in
manifesting all this positivity and connection and acceptance

(10:47):
and I don't know it just seemed like it could not get any
better. That being said, I'm still doing
my thing. Can't imagine anything else
going to happen. Before I finish up.
Two women come in with a little girl, maybe about 5 years old.
She's dressed kind of ballerina vibe outfit.
I mean, just give her ballet slippers in a tiara and she

(11:09):
would look the part. So as young girls do, she's
skipping forward and running across the lobby.
And she looks at me and I look at her and she gives me this big
grin. And I give her grin back and she
gives me that little 5 year old haya wave, that little quick
wave, you know, just the straight hand, just super quick.

(11:31):
And I wave back at her and off she goes.
And then her, probably her mom and grandmother, they go pass as
well. And they go to the counter and
they order their food. When they're finished ordering,
this little girl comes back and she gets up on the bench and
sits next to me and she says hi.And I say hi back.

(11:51):
And she gives me that same cute little 5 year old fast moving
wave. And I give her a little way
back. Her grandmother says oh, let's
go sit over that big table. And I did not take that as a
slight because obviously there was three of them.
Had they sat next to me, there'dbe only a room for two of them
to them with the little girl on their lap.
So they went over to a bigger table.

(12:13):
And she just, I don't know, she brought me so much joy because
she was so pure in her spirit and in her love of people.
And whether I maybe I was dressed, you know, a little more
fantastically than she's used to, or maybe this is her normal
way of being with everyone. It was such a beautiful moment

(12:36):
to share that with this little girl.
Have our hearts touched in that way.
And even when she was at the other table, she would look over
and she's smiling and wave. And then she had run past again.
And then she ran back to the table and she's sticking her
tongue out at me. And I stuck my tongue out at her
and she just just kept waving, kept smiling, kept saying hi.

(12:58):
And it's just a glorious way to be with innocence and love and
care and hearts. It just was an amazing
manifested day. Whether I somehow manifested it
on my own or it was manifested on my behalf.
Regardless, it was one of those days that proves that people are

(13:23):
amazing. And yeah, I mean, I don't, I
don't know what else to say. I just want to get on because
again, I'm all up in my fields and I'm I'm also getting teary
just telling you about it. But I wanted to, you know, with
the state of the way the world is now and how much darkness and
terrible things that are afoot in plaguing us in all manners.

(13:45):
I do look at these individual moments when you speak to an
individual, when you talk to a person, when you interact with a
person at a heart level and an individual level.
This is where all that, all the nuances, that's where all the
love is. That's where all the care is.
That's where it's not the mob. It's not the I am affiliated

(14:08):
with this person or this party or this church or this, whatever
it is, fill in the blanks. It's the fact that when you get
down to and you get down to talking to a person, that's when
that's when you have the real connection.
That's when you see what people can be like and are like, you

(14:30):
know, whether it's in the eyes of a 5 year old little girl who
just thinks you look like a cutePrincess or a Co worker who
never knew before the seven years I've worked in the same
office as her. To just look at me, recognize
me, say my name, say Chuck, and be able to lean into that moment

(14:51):
with her and she with me and be overwhelmed with emotions and
just walk away knowing that you just had an amazing experience
is for me everything. And so, I mean, I wish Julie was
here, but I had to. I had to share before it got too
far away. I want to do a while still in

(15:13):
all the feels about it. With that said, thank you so
much for listening to my little Side Story that just came up.
Just know that these are real events.
These are real people. This is how the world is and how
more of it should be. That gives me hope that here I
am in South Carolina and there'sstill hope.

(15:35):
There's still hope for us. We just have to keep showing up
in this case, keep being visible, keep being true to
myself in this case, show up forthe right reasons.
Sometimes we show up for not thewrong reason, but we show up
because we feel we have to or we're going to disappoint
somebody. But these last few outings I've

(15:55):
been showing up purely for myself and in this case
apparently had manifested these connections and I will take
those with me. I'll keep those in my heart for
now. In the future, if any of you
have stories like this that havebeen heart touched and renew

(16:16):
your faith in humanity, I would love to hear it.
I'd love to read your stories onair.
Julie and I would love to take turns reading those positive
stories because in times like these, sometimes those are the
stories we need to hear most often and repetitively.
So with that, love to all of you, thank you for listening to
my little aside. And until next time, you can

(16:41):
find me on Facebook at Savannah Hawk or at Living with Cross
Dressing and on Instagram at Savannah Hawk.
Remember that's HAUK. And to learn more, go to my
website livingwithcrossdressing.com.
And you can find me on Instagramand Facebook at Fox and Hangar
or at Julie MTF Style, as well as on our website at

(17:02):
foxandhangar.com. Julie, it's your moment.
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