March 20, 2024 • 44 mins
Join host Nadine Mulvina in this captivating episode of The Sober Butterfly podcast as she sits down with Steph, a NYC bottle waitress, to uncover her remarkable journey from pouring drinks to soaring in sobriety. Steph courageously shares her struggles with addiction, including her reliance on ketamine and alcohol, and the challenges she faced working in an environment where drinking with clients was the norm. Through raw honesty and vulnerability, Steph reveals how she found the strength to break free from toxic relationships and embrace a life of sobriety. Tune in to discover the inspiring story of Steph's transformation and her journey to self-love and empowerment.
Key Points:
- Steph's experience as a bottle waitress in New York City
- The normalization of drinking in the service industry
- Steph's struggles with addiction to ketamine and alcohol
- Coping mechanisms and toxic relationships fueled by substance abuse
- Finding strength and support through sobriety programs like Alcoholics Anonymous
- Embracing self-love and empowerment on the path to recovery
Connect with Steph
- Follow on IG: @meowxsteph
Connect with Nadine:
- Follow on IG: @the.soberbutterfly @soberbutterflypodcast
- Follow on TikTok @the.soberbutterfly
- Subscribe to YouTube channel
- Subscribe to our monthly newsletter, https://thesoberbutterfly.com/
Tune in to The Sober Butterfly podcast for more inspiring conversations and stories of transformation on the journey to sobriety. Don't forget to subscribe and leave a five-star review!
Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services refereed to in this episode.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:06):
Hello and welcome to the SoberButterfly podcast.
I am your host, Nadine Mulvina.
And in this week's episode, wedelve into the journey of Steph,
a bottle waitress here in NewYork City at one of the hottest
clubs.
Steph proudly embraces over 90days of sobriety.
Before we proceed, a gentletrigger warning.
Throughout this conversation,Steph's experiences with her
(00:30):
drug of choice, ketamine or K,as well as alcohol.
As a bottle waitress, Stephfound herself navigating the
societal norms where drinkingwith clients was not just
accepted, but expected.
Beneath the facade of glamour,Steph grappled with using
substances as a copingmechanism.
Feeling perpetually uneasy inher own skin and being ensnared
(00:53):
in a toxic relationship fueledby drugs.
While Steph's journey didn't hita conventional rock bottom, she
encountered frightening momentsthat served as wake up calls.
She credits her newfoundsobriety to the guidance of her
higher power And the supportivecommunity she found in
Alcoholics Anonymous.
Through this journey, Steph hasnot only found sobriety, but
(01:15):
also a profound love forherself.
Join us as we navigate throughthe complexities of addiction,
recovery, and self love withSteph, as she shares her
inspiring story oftransformation and resilience.
Let's get into it.
Hello.
Hello.
And welcome to the SoberButterfly Podcast.
Today we are joined with a veryspecial guest.
(01:38):
We have Steph here.
Steph, welcome to the show.
Thank you.
I'm so happy to be here and sohappy to run into you at the
Wellness Summit.
So for a little context forlisteners at home, Steph and I
met last month at a WellnessSummit, as you mentioned, and it
was really amazing to connectwith other women and just
professionals in that space.
So I was working the eventbecause I work at WeWork and I
(02:02):
noticed that you were looking atthe alcohol removed sparkling
wine.
And I came over to you tomention, oh, like this doesn't
have alcohol in it just in case.
And you were like, oh, I'msober.
And I was like, I'm sober too.
And you mentioned your podcastand you were like, I'd love to
have you.
Here we are today.
So I'd love to hear a little bitmore about your story and have
you share because a like, Idon't want to objectify you, but
(02:25):
you were beautiful.
And so just to learn that youwork actually in nightlife.
And I feel like nightlife issuch an interesting industry,
specifically because there's somuch that happens on the club
scene or in the club scene.
So I'd love to get your takeabout just like.
What life looks like for youworking as a bottle service.
(02:47):
Is it what's a waitress?
I'm sorry.
I know it's okay.
Is it derogatory to say bottlegirl?
Like I never want to bottlegirl, bottle waitress server,
probably not cocktail waitressbecause we don't cocktail.
Okay.
Yeah.
Bottle service is what theactivity is.
So you're not wrong.
Okay, cool.
Cool.
Cool.
So as a bottle surface waitressIs that what, I'm so sorry.
(03:07):
Bottle waitress.
My gosh, I'm like adding so manywords to it guys.
Okay, so as a bottle waitresswhat is life like for you?
I want to hear about life beforeyou got sober, but like, what is
the industry like working as abottle?
Waitress in New York city.
Yeah, of course.
So, I started bottle waitressingduring COVID actually.
(03:29):
Yeah, it was 20.
And the day club that I workedat was allowed to open and
operate as it did because it wasa rooftop and it had a
restaurant.
So, like, technically, it wasopen air.
And so we were full on operatinglike, and day club with bottles
(03:50):
and everything.
And it was just the middle ofcobit.
It was quite different.
I came from.
Still working in nightlife precovid, but from an operation
standpoint, so this was all newto me.
And the only reason I got thejob was because of the manager
there.
It was a mutual friend and Iwould say.
(04:10):
That is when my drinking was atits worst.
There were just kind of no rulesand we could drink as like, it's
encouraged to drink with clientsbecause that's how we get them
to spend more and how you kindof like build repertoire with
them and how you may end upgetting more of a tip.
So that's kind of where itstarted.
(04:31):
And there's definitely anincrease in my drinking.
There was.
Yeah, just a lot of drinkingthere.
And then I moved to a differentclub and this was more
corporate.
And I would say it's stillencouraged to drink with your
clients if they're spending, butit wasn't as out of hand, I
(04:51):
would say as the day club.
And so currently.
It's still encouraged to drinkwith your clients and mingle
with them and help other girlswith their tables.
So it's just, yeah, it'sencouraged to drink, but you're
also not required totechnically.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
So I grew up sort of like on theclub scene, not working, but
(05:12):
definitely attending in Miamihere in New York.
And so I didn't realize that abig part of the role was
actually conversing and mixingwith the clients.
I don't know why I had thispersona, like, While the
waitress is just bringing thebottle and leaving and like
having this air of just like I'mtoo pretty and good for you Like
let me walk away But you'resaying like the actual job role
(05:32):
entails like conferring and likegetting to know the clients as
well Yes, definitely.
So that is what you will see onsocial media as the memes and
the reels making fun of How we,you know, how the client's
spending like a car payment andwe've come out and we're just
like, exactly.
You're just like really deadpan.
So I really think thatdifferentiates my company from
(05:56):
other clubs because we are verybig on hospitality and what
we're known for.
So it's definitely encouraged tobe friendly and interact with
your table.
But of course there are peoplethat.
Are used to those settings andthey will just handle their
stuff.
Like a lot of the Asian clientsthat I have, they like to come
(06:18):
in, get their vodka, and thenthey play these little like
games, like drinking games.
And they just circle around thetable and like, you can't even
get to it and they don't needyou to do anything for them.
So it's really.
It just depends on the clienttoo.
Like some clients are more highdemand and they want every drink
made for them, every shot, andthey want you to like hang out
with them.
Or, you know, they might leaveearly.
(06:39):
So yeah, it just depends.
So if there's this idea or sensethat you're encouraged to
interact and entertainessentially the clients
depending on their needs, atwhat point, or is there a
defined line between how much todrink?
Like how much is too much is myquestion.
Yeah, so I would say that is upto each girl kind of and as long
(07:03):
as you Don't make any mistakeswith paperwork turn in your
paperwork clock out at the endof the day and get home safely.
That is something thatManagement is adamant about not
drinking and driving, which someof the girls do drive like I
drive to work.
So they are cognizant aboutthat, but it's really at the end
(07:24):
of the day, like, yourresponsibility for what you
decide you want to do even if.
It feels like it's a part of thejob.
That's how I see it personally.
I can't speak for all the othergirls.
So before you got sober, right?
you said that your drinking wassort of like at its worst or at
a pinnacle.
What was that like in terms ofworking and then also drink your
(07:47):
drinking?
what was that parallel like foryou?
Yeah, so there was definitelypoints I would say in 2022 where
I would just like, if I wasn'tbusy and I didn't have a table
to drink with, I would belooking for another girl to help
because I wanted to help, butalso because I wanted to drink
and I can remember it waselectric zoo weekend and we did
(08:09):
the after parties.
And I drink vodka.
Like if you know me, I do notdrink vodka, but I was just so
bored and wanted to drink that Iwas drinking vodka with my like
regulars.
So yeah, it, it definitelybecame where I tried to set a
rule for myself where it waslike, I'll only drink if it's
(08:30):
premium.
So like 1942 class a, or likethe expensive champagnes.
And that was kind of okay tostick with.
And then I actually got in a caraccident.
It's okay.
It could have been a lot worse.
And that is definitely a momentI recognize is where like my
higher power was definitelythere for me.
(08:51):
It was in 2022 and I was on myway home and drunk and I really
only came to you when the airbagdeployed and I think I was going
down the opposite way of a oneway and next thing you know, I
like came to again when I parkedin my parking spot and I looked
(09:13):
at my car and I was just like, Ihave to deal with that tomorrow
and passed out on my couch, wokeup in the morning, had to.
deal with that.
Luckily, I don't think I, youknow, no one else was involved
and no cops were involved.
So I was really lucky.
And so that's when I decided totake a little break and it ended
up being five months.
(09:34):
Okay.
Wow.
Well, thank God you're okay.
I think you're hyper that you'refine, but it's those moments
that sometimes can be a realitycheck, like a check in point.
And it kind of mirrors like theinflection of maybe you're
drinking.
So after that car accident, youtook a five month hiatus.
Did you get sober after that?
Or did you go back to drinkingafter the five months?
(09:55):
So I went back to drinking, butI want to say from like my
recollection that I did it less.
And so I don't really drink toooften, or I didn't really drink
too often outside of her.
So I wasn't somebody who keptalcohol at home or anything.
It was just really.
When working and even my old joband this job, like I always
(10:18):
drove to work and that wasdefinitely a big problem.
And when you're entertaining atable, you are taking maybe like
10 shots back to back, like it'snothing.
And we have this conversationwhere it's like, why do we get
so like drunk easily when we'rejust out?
But then when we're working andI'm assuming it's like
adrenaline, you're at work,there's music, so you don't feel
(10:40):
it as much, but it's still inyour body.
So.
Yeah, I didn't.
I didn't get sober after that.
And honestly, even during thebreak I was doing my drug of
choice, which is ketamine.
So it wasn't like I wasn't doinganything.
But I've definitely slowed downwith the alcohol at least okay
(11:03):
If you're expected to drink wereyou able to like ever throw it
over your shoulder or like doanything to like Give off the
illusion of drinking Like I'mjust imagining some nights
because it's your job, you justdon't feel like drinking, but
like, that's the expectation.
Was there ever a time that youcould implement some of those
kind of like tricks?
Yeah, so specifically for those5 months and I do it now, but I
(11:25):
was just faking the shots.
Like, I may have even, there was1 time where I literally put the
entire shot in my mouth andthen.
turned around to my busser andjust like spit it out and like
put it in his little bucket.
And I think that's also helpful.
Letting your busser know theperson that you're working with
very closely that you aren'tdrinking because he can really
(11:48):
assist in those maneuvers.
And also with champagne Icurrently just go and fill an
empty glass with soda water andlike a little bit of.
sugar free Red Bull and it looksthe same color if you're not
looking closely and it's beenfine.
Last night was actually reallynice because one of our friends
came in and he's aware that I'msober.
(12:11):
So there was no pressure, eventhough everybody was, you know,
hanging out and drinking and hewas spending, there was no
pressure to have to, you know,do those little maneuvers
because I could just.
Blatantly pour the sugar freeRed Bull into a shot glass and
just cheers with them.
So that was nice.
But yeah, just for the mostpart.
There's only been a handful oftimes where clients have been
(12:34):
like forceful, like where Ilegitimately had a shot poured
into my mouth and like forced.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And those are very rare and.
Rare cases, and there aretypically people that like have
been around for a long time andlike know people and so other
than that, people aren'tforceful.
(12:57):
The most is you'll get thequestion, of course, like, oh,
why, like, why aren't youdrinking?
Why are you sober?
Or they'll think that you'rejust taking a break because I
feel like most people don't usethe word sober.
Fully correctly.
Like, yes.
Yeah, totally.
It really feels like you'rehaving a moment, pun intended,
(13:18):
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(13:41):
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(14:02):
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(14:25):
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(14:45):
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Let's be moment bunnies.
We can both have momentstogether.
I like this timeline.
So basically in the pandemic,you were working, you entered
this industry, in a new role, asa bottle waitress, and then you
(15:06):
sort of have this like momentwhere you realize that you had
to slow down with your drinkingafter your accident.
And then, you know, Five monthslater, you kind of fell back
into similar routines.
It sounds like.
So then what was the nextturning point for you?
Was there another turning pointto where you realized, okay, I
actually don't want to do thisanymore in terms of like drink
(15:26):
or do your drug of choice.
Yeah.
So I would say that kind ofhappened end of 2022 where.
I kept thinking it at least likeI need to stop and at that point
it was mainly the K that was aproblem.
And so, uh, the summer of 2022with my friends was pretty
(15:50):
chaotic.
We were going out to shows a lotand.
Just rolling every single momentpossible, killing many brain
cells.
Like our one friend actuallyrecently told us he was planning
on doing an intervention.
Like he lived in DC at the timeand he Legitimately booked a
(16:12):
ticket, a train ticket and wasready to do it.
But then some events happenedand it all kind of actually
fizzled out on his own.
And he was like, okay, I don'tneed to go.
I don't need to come up and dothis.
But he told us and I was justlike, oh, wow.
And he made a good point.
He was like, yeah, it wasn'tjust, you know, Friday,
Saturday, you guys were goingout Thursday, Friday, Saturday,
(16:33):
Sunday.
And then you guys were doing thepool party on Monday.
And I'm like, all right, you're,you're right.
But yeah, so I think that was.
A moment where that was when myemotions were most sporadic
because when you're coming downoff of like molly and just like
rendering.
Yeah.
And so I was definitely veryemotional and irritable and I
(16:58):
knew that.
And so that's when I definitely.
Mentally thought, okay, I needto make a change, but I don't
think that changed.
Really.
It didn't happen until the endof last year.
So what brought me to the actualpoint where I was.
deciding that I wanted to besober was actually so for the
(17:20):
past probably like five, sixyears of my life, I've had this
like pain on the left side of mybody.
And it like started from my feetand then just kind of like, it's
like an irritation.
I don't know how to describe it.
I've seen pain.
Yeah.
It's definitely like nerveinvolved.
And I've seen all sorts ofdoctors, chiropractor.
like holistic and just regulardoctors and nobody has ever been
(17:45):
able to like fix it and it getsreally bad at some point
especially in the winter and whoknows if like my use worsened it
too but i finally saw apodiatrist and was able to
alleviate a lot of the pain andwhen you're in chronic pain i
guess you don't realize thatyou're in chronic pain because
you're used to it and so onceThat got sorted.
(18:09):
I pretty much thought to myself,I don't have any bad
relationships in my life anymorebecause I cut off all the really
toxic ones that I needed to.
I have a really goodrelationship and Now this pain
is gone.
Like I have no excuses and Ifeel like I just need to do
(18:30):
better for myself because Ididn't work so hard my whole
life to get to where I am tothrow it all away for like a
drug.
That's amazing.
It sounds like you tookinventory of like all of the
things that were serving you andremoved the things that no
longer were, including thecoping mechanism.
Or I guess my question is, didyou feel that you use your drug
(18:53):
of choice K as like a copingmechanism or just like a party
drug?
Because it is a party drug.
Did the lines blur or do youfeel like it was a coping
mechanism for you?
So the line is definitelyblurred.
I would say I was using itregularly pre COVID and then
COVID amplified it and then postCOVID was just the same.
Yeah.
(19:13):
And then I was in a prettyemotionally and mentally abusive
relationship from.
July 2021 to January 2022.
And the relationship was verydrug fueled.
And he, I mean, we bothcontributed to it, but at the
end he tried to, you know, turnit on me, but that's another
(19:35):
story.
But yeah, so it became a thingwhere anytime we would get into
those arguments or he would likebe like belittling me, my
instant.
Reaction was I'm going to likeorder a bag like right away.
So that definitely became acoping mechanism.
And I think post that and posthealing from that, it just
(19:57):
lingered.
And that was at Noah's faultbesides, you know, my own.
And it was definitely just anaddiction at that point.
But I would say that how Ilooked at it and why I used it
was because I had this.
idea that it helped with myanxiety.
It made me able to function inpublic settings and talk to
(20:20):
people and whatnot which endedup being the complete opposite
because towards the end of it, Iwould get very anxious while on
it and then, yeah, and thenwhile you're on it, you're
paranoid and you're, you'rewondering if people know, and
then you're also thinking abouthow you don't want to be on it.
So you're literally spendingyour highs.
(20:41):
And I've talked to a few peoplewhere they were using coke, but
it was just a similar storytowards the end where it's just,
you're spending your entire timehigh.
Googling like what's what thenegative effects are of the drug
or like as you're experiencingthe negative effects of the
drug.
Exactly.
Yeah, I know all too well.
(21:02):
So what was the process likewhen you decided to cut K out of
your life?
And was it also in conjunctionwith alcohol or did you kind of
do one and then remove theother?
So my full sobriety date isSeptember 4th and I stopped
doing K and alcohol 20 daysbefore that.
(21:24):
I have a friend who I'm notsuper or wasn't super close to,
but I had heard that he.
Was in AA and had started thisjourney probably maybe three
months before me And so I hadtexted him while I was high
being like I need to talk to youabout I have questions And then
of course I got home that dayWas like, oh I have to make
(21:46):
dinner and like I'll call youafter and then like slowly as
the highs wearing off I waslike, maybe I'll just call him
tomorrow.
Yeah, but Luckily and shout outto him Putting his name out
there.
I'm very thankful for himbecause he followed up with me
that night with a text justbeing like, Hey, I'm still up.
Like I'm going to go to sleepsoon.
But, and so I immediately calledhim.
(22:07):
He went with me to my firstmeeting shout out mustard seed.
And that was a Tuesday.
It happened to be a step meetingand it was step five.
And they have a little plaque intheir room that says, we will
love you until you learn to loveyourself.
And I.
Was very emotional.
But that was it.
(22:28):
And then I, I, I guess, well, Istuck to it, but then that was
when I knew, okay, K andalcohol.
K because that's the problem.
Alcohol because if I'm drunk,I'm more likely to just get it.
And I was like, okay, well, I'mgoing to see my favorite artists
in New Orleans.
I'm going to roll for it.
That's okay.
And I ended up yeah.
(22:50):
not being able to go Fridaynight because I had work.
So I flew straight there fromlittle sleep and work, had no
sleep.
Went to the show and took Molly,was smoking my friend's dab pen.
I don't smoke and just likedoing everything else.
And I was just like, well, it'sfine.
Cause I'm not doing the K oralcohol.
And that's.
When I realized, okay, it has tobe everything because there's
(23:12):
still this chasing of a feelingand the high.
So that's when I got back and itwas, yeah, uh, December 4th that
I decided I need to just doeverything and see where that
takes me.
There's this, like.
Understanding and recoveryspaces like a, which is like the
(23:33):
addicts brain, right?
And I resonate with having anaddicts brain and something you
had touched on earlier aboutwhen you were working.
And I was like, I'm only goingto drink, you know, the premium
alcohol.
For example, I'm not going tojust accept anything that's
given to me.
Like, we make these concessionsas we go through the process.
So we have these rules forourselves that become
(23:54):
conditional.
And then it's like, it's reallyeasy to make excuses for other
things when you don't have agood grapple on, like, why
you're using or taking thething.
So, for example, like, I did asimilar thing where I was like,
I'm only going to try andmoderate my drinking.
You know, twice a week.
And it's like, even if I coulddo it, I was still chasing a
(24:16):
feeling and it didn't matterwhat the actual substance was
because ultimately I was justlooking to feel something
instead of coming to terms withlike what I was struggling to
process for me personally.
So I kind of connect to someparts of your story there, just
in this idea that like.
It may not be even the drug ofchoice, but like you're still
chasing something and thenyou're that annoying girl
(24:39):
because you didn't bring yourown drugs.
Oh yeah.
Yep.
Yep.
Yep.
Oh, I felt so bad.
I was just like.
It's already one, like we'regoing back, aren't you going to
want to sleep?
And I'm like, yeah, I guess, Iguess.
And the thing is, it didn't evenwork because I was so tired and
(24:59):
that's why I kept trying.
Yeah.
I wasn't, I didn't feelanything.
Yeah.
The amount.
Like, I don't smoke weed, so ifI took a hit right now, I would
get high.
Yeah.
I was hitting my friend's dabpen from Colorado consistently,
and just nothing, and, but Ijust continued.
Yeah.
Chasing, yeah.
That's how my drinking wastowards the end.
That was my drug of choicemainly, as well as other things,
(25:22):
but drinking specifically, itwas like, I couldn't get drunk
the way I wanted to anymore,because I had done it so much,
that like, maybe my tolerancewas just sky high, or whatever
the case may be, like,Physically, it was, I would feel
the physical aftermath, like theeffects of it the next day,
which sucked, but like, Iwouldn't feel like the emotional
or like whatever I was trying toobtain from the actual
(25:44):
substance, it really sucked,which is another clue for me
that I needed to stop because itwas just like, yeah, that's how
people I feel like switch toother things are more hardcore
because they're looking to feelsomething.
Yeah, that's a good point.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, because when what you'redoing isn't enough.
Yeah.
And when you're inhibitions arelower to like you making the
having the realization thatokay, K was the real drug of
(26:07):
choice, but an alcohol aidedwith you looking for K, like,
that's how it was for me tolike, my inhibitions would be so
lower that I would beexperimenting with other things.
because of alcohol, like itwould just lead me to being
like, well, I'm just going to dowhatever now.
Like that's, that's where we'reat because I want to feel
something because I couldn'tfeel something from the alcohol.
So yeah, just a really likeconvoluted difficult, like, I
(26:31):
don't know, cycle cycle ofchasing.
And it's just interesting how.
It is a disease.
And so many of us have this sameexperience.
And I think that's what I reallyvalue from being in the meetings
is being able to hear otherpeople's experiences and being
like, okay, we're not alone inthis.
We are all very similar.
(26:52):
One of my favorite sayings is weare a terminally Unique.
Have you heard that one yet?
No, I haven't.
It's just this idea that youthink that you're the only
person that's gone through likethis issue and then you hear
someone's story or share in aroom and you're like, Oh my God,
that was me.
Like, or like another version ofthat story where it's like, You
feel like I'm not unique or weare all terminally unique.
(27:14):
We all have this disease.
And the thing about the diseaseis that it is progressive.
So like behind the scenes, youand I were just chatting about
like, not necessarily either ofus having a rock bottom moment.
So many people do others saythey don't, but like, it's this
idea that because it's a diseaseand it's progressive by nature.
(27:34):
If you didn't have the rockbottom, then it was bound to
come.
It's inevitable.
Yeah, exactly.
And I heard somebody say this inthe room once, uh, how as I get
better, my disease gets worse.
And how That's true because whenpeople relapse, it can result in
death because they end up usingas much as they did before and
(27:58):
they're not there anymore.
Yeah.
Or it just ends up being areally bad vendor.
And so that really stuck withme.
That was at North Brooklynrecovery.
And yeah, I think about that.
Yeah, I would never want to getsober.
No, that's really beautiful.
And it does get and not to likescare anyone because I think a
lot of people have day ones andthat's okay.
Like I would even say formyself, like I definitely didn't
(28:22):
get sober the first time I triedto get sober.
But it does get harder becauseit gets harder, but also you
have more experience.
Like you have more tools thatyou can lean on more people that
you can connect with or turn to.
But it is this idea, I thinkthat sometimes.
The more this is why thisplatform is so important for me.
This is why talking to you andhearing other people's stories
(28:45):
of recovery is so essentialbecause I do think that we can
sobriety.
The more time you have, the moreyou can delude yourself into
thinking that you're totallybuying and then you stop doing
the work and when you stop doingthe work, it's almost like the
addict brain turns on again.
And it's like, well, I'm, I'mcured.
Like, I'm fine.
Like, I can just do 1 or I cando this other thing that may
(29:08):
lead to another thing.
And I think I've seen thathappen a few times, which is
like, why I will never stopdoing the work and talking about
my sobriety because I don't wantto take it for granted and I
don't want to assume.
That everything is fine becauseI know myself.
Like that's the thing.
Like I just know who I am.
Yeah.
But so far everything thatyou've shared has just been so
(29:29):
powerful and I feel like peoplewill connect with that.
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(31:00):
So how has life been sincegetting sober?
So have you been forthcoming?
I know you mentioned last nightyour friend came and he knows
that you're sober as a client.
He was there.
So you were able to like, Notpretend that you're drinking per
se.
So what has that like been foryou still working in the club
and being sober and having tomaybe maneuver, play another
(31:25):
role?
does it feel like you're acting?
Not necessarily.
I feel like it hasn't been toodifficult.
So I shared my journey with twoof the girls that I work with
early on.
And they were very supportive.
And then I had my 90 daysactually, uh, last Sunday.
Oh my gosh.
(31:46):
Yeah, this past Sunday.
That's amazing.
Oh my gosh.
Wow.
Yeah.
It's crazy to think that itreally is just one day at a
time.
It really is.
Aw, congrats.
Thank you.
That's amazing.
But, yeah, we were at dinner forone of the girls because she's
moving back to where she camefrom and leaving us, so I
(32:10):
actually mentioned at dinnerbecause one of the girls
suggested shots and she knew Iwas drinking a mocktail, but she
was like, you want a shot?
And I just said, okay, well.
You know, I should just shareand it wasn't everyone, but it
was the majority and it wasreally nice being able to get
that off my chest.
And I also wanted to wait alittle bit because 1, I wanted
(32:31):
to be certain about what I wasdoing and 2, I wanted to be able
to.
Kind of show in case anybody hadany thoughts, which I don't
think they did about like, Oh,will she be able to do her job
and then kind of come back at itand be like, I've been doing
this for 90 days and you didn'teven notice, you know, like I've
been able to get clients to buymore.
(32:53):
I've been able to entertain andhang out and nobody knew, you
know?
So it's.
It's nice being able to havethat data point to but yeah,
other than that, it was reallynice and supportive of the
girls.
I feel like they offered a lotof kind words and just like, you
know, let me know if you need totalk cause I've been in
nightlife for a long time sortof situations, or they've had
(33:15):
friends that had had similarjourneys, which, you know, you
never know that unless you shareabout your sobriety.
And I feel like that's beenreally.
Helpful for some of the girls.
They've told me that it's beeninspiring to them and also
they'll come to me and be like,Oh, I took like a little break.
I did like 2 weeks and I'm like,you know what?
(33:35):
That's good.
That's better than no break.
So it's kind of nice being ableto open that conversation and
idea to people because I feellike it is easy to, you know,
for anybody that works aroundalcohol to just think that they
need to do it.
They need to partake likebartenders, bottle waitresses,
just anyone.
(33:56):
So it's nice being able toprovide that.
That's amazing.
How has your perspectiveshifted?
Like, do you see thingsdifferently now through sober
eyes at work?
Are you noticing differentthings?
Like I, I treat it as a socialexperiment.
Like I went out last night, Iwas telling you and I was just
like, wow, like no judgment.
It's just like, Oh my God, likeI'm playing the tape forward.
(34:17):
As they say, I'm like, if thiswere me right now, I'd be like
over there slumped in the corneror whatever it is.
But do you see thingsdifferently now at work?
Yeah.
So for one, it's really niceleaving every night.
Remembering what you did andthat I did turn in my paperwork
and won't get written up orasked to be in the office for
that.
which I've done, I've taken homemy paperwork twice because I
(34:40):
just, I don't know, autopilotgone wrong, but yeah, so it's
nice not having that anxiety theentire next day.
It's nice going home and beingable to just sleep right away
and waking up refreshed andbeing able to.
Get along with my day.
But yeah, I do notice that.
I try, I've been trying to beless judgmental because what
(35:02):
other people do is in mybusiness, but it is difficult
for me to sometimes be in thosespaces.
If the people are veryintoxicated and just obnoxious,
because I just feel like youjust see it differently now,
because you're on the other, uh,side.
So, but yeah, overall, I don'tfeel like there's been too much
(35:22):
of a change.
It's been just nice rememberingthings.
Absolutely.
And so do clients ever noticethat you're not drinking?
So I've had good conversations,honestly, with some people that
I've had at my table.
So specifically New Year's, Ihad this girl and this guy that
she was with, and she offered mesome 42 and some champagne.
(35:44):
And I just said, I was sober.
And she said, Oh, that'samazing.
Like I've been trying to do thatmore too.
She's a like.
spiritual like speaker.
She has an Instagram where shejust does like tarot and
everything.
Yeah.
And so, yeah, we reallyconnected.
She told me that I had a voicefor television.
You do have a voice fortelevision.
(36:04):
She's right.
She's definitely good at pickingup on flora and vibes.
Yeah.
And she said a lot of stuff thatresonated with me because of
what I was going through too.
And You know, it was a wonderfulconversation and she ended up
over tipping 500.
So, and I didn't drink with her,didn't have to flirt with her,
(36:25):
you know?
So sometimes all it takes isreally just connecting with
people on like a human level.
And not over alcohol doesn'talways have to be.
And honesty, I feel like that'sthe biggest thing I've taken
away from getting sober is likebeing honest with myself and
therefore other people and likepeople connect with that too.
You didn't have to make a bigstory.
I'm sober.
I don't drink.
(36:45):
And she was like, I dig it.
Probably inspired her.
And that's been a change too,where I've moved away from, Oh,
I'm taking a break to just fullon now.
And like, I am sober and I'lleven mention like AA and my
sponsor.
And usually people are morecurious than not.
I think I was worried that itwas more judgmental or people
(37:06):
assuming you were, I don't know,just like.
You would hit like a rock bottomor you were, I don't know, the
most negative connotations ofit.
It's a cult.
Yeah.
That's what I hear.
No, people are curious.
It's group therapy.
Yes.
It's just like greater innumbers.
I love that.
And I feel like you're being ofservice just by like sharing
(37:28):
your story and connecting withpeople and inspiring love.
Do you feel like in yourindustry, you see other girls
who may be following a similartrajectory or pop and do you
ever feel like It's notnecessarily your business or
your place, but do you feel likeyou could be of aid or help
those people?
Yeah, I would love to be able tobe, I don't know, a guide or
(37:51):
just an ear or anything.
If anybody was ever curiousabout it or wanted to start that
journey.
I know it's.
difficult and scary.
And I feel like there is this itseems like an obligation to do,
like to partake.
But I like being able to tellpeople that it's not, and that
(38:11):
it's okay if you don't want toand you don't have to be like
worried about it.
You're not getting in trouble.
Like it's literally not, it is,but it isn't our job, you know?
Right.
Exactly.
Exactly.
I love that so much.
And so in the future.
Do you see yourself still doingbubble service or do you feel
like you want to move into a newfield, not to say there's
(38:34):
anything wrong with that, butlike nightlife and sobriety
don't necessarily go hand inhand.
Do you feel that way?
Or do you feel like this issomething that you can continue
doing?
Yeah.
So, for now, I think it'smanageable.
I am looking to.
Eventually exit as I feel likemost are, but I am still waiting
for that day job that will allowme to make that exit.
(38:58):
Right.
I don't want to be nosy numbers,but I'm assuming you get paid
well.
Yes.
Okay.
That's why.
So that's essentially why like.
being able to find a day jobwhere it makes me comfortable
not having that.
And also, honestly, I have beenworking in nightlife since I
moved to New York in 2018.
So I haven't had my weekendsessentially.
(39:19):
Oh my gosh.
Well, yeah.
Yeah.
And that I think is more why Iwant to leave than anything else
because I, Can see all of themissed moments, like birthdays
and just uh, opportunities tolike connect and build
relationships because of nothaving the weekends before we
(39:39):
wrap.
I did want to ask you this.
So I'm assuming that youprobably have stories just about
like.
people that hit on you withinyour role.
Do you feel like you have alittle bit more control or
autonomy over how you respond tothose situations being sober as
opposed to when you weredrinking?
I think because of howaggressive the guys are at the
(40:01):
club that I still have.
An aggressive tone with it, butI think for sure when I was
drinking I have always been onewhere I'm like, I'll fight you.
So, you know, it doesn't reallywork well when you're staff
either.
(40:21):
But yeah, definitely moved awayfrom that and more so just walk
away or ignore them.
Yeah.
Not even worth.
Not even worth the interactionengaging.
Yeah.
Okay.
I love that.
Well, I really appreciateeverything you've shared.
Know that we give tips here, butif you had 1 piece of maybe
advice that you would give to agirl who is.
(40:43):
Steph, in 2021 22, struggling inthe pandemic or struggling with
their drinking or drug ofchoice, what would be the first
piece of advice or first thingyou would tell them to like,
kind of help them get to thatnext step?
Yeah, I feel that a lot of myusing was because of being
(41:05):
uncomfortable in my own skin andwanting to have people like me
and be able to engage in thosesocial aspects without the
social anxiety.
But I would say that you shouldjust be yourself and not
everyone's going to like yousober, not sober.
So who cares?
(41:27):
Pretty much.
Who cares?
And the people who are meant tobe for you will connect with you
and you don't need to try toearn somebody's friendship by.
Not being yourself and by likeusing a drug or alcohol to try
to force that.
Yeah.
I love that so much.
(41:47):
And I connect with that too,because I feel like so much of
it was also maybe feelinguncomfortable with who I am.
And then it's like, do theyreally like you?
If you have to like compromiseyour state of being to be the
person or version, that's more.
That person at the risk oflosing yourself.
And it's so funny too, becausebefore I was like, Oh, I love
(42:08):
myself.
I know myself.
And then post I'm like, Oh, Iwas wrong.
I love that so much.
Well, Steph, I really appreciateyou coming onto the podcast.
Your story has been soinspiring.
And I especially think for justlike young women or women in
general who are reallystruggling with.
Identity, as you mentioned,maybe struggling with trying to
(42:31):
figure out, like, how they canbreak free from the sense of
uncomfortability in their ownskin.
And anyone that works innightlife will really resonate
with this as well.
So, thank you for coming on.
Yeah, do you mind if I shareyour.
Socials plug them.
Yeah, of course.
My Instagram is meow.
X stuff.
M E O W X S T E P H.
(42:52):
And that's really all I'm on inthe future.
Should be on TV.
I really appreciate a voiceactor.
Yes.
I love it.
You have an amazing voice.
She's absolutely right.
so much for coming on.
for having me.
Thank you for tuning into thisepisode of the Sober Butterfly
podcast.
(43:12):
We hope Steph's journey hasinspired and touched you as much
as it has us.
If you enjoyed this episode andfound value in Steph's story, we
encourage you to hit that followbutton to stay updated on future
episodes.
Your support means the world tous.
And Hey, if you loved what youheard today, please consider
leaving us a five star review onyour favorite podcast platform.
(43:35):
Your feedback not only helps usgrow, but also ensures that more
people like you can discover theempowering stories we share.
Remember you are never alone onyour journey to sobriety and
self discovery together.
We can spread our wings and soartoward a brighter, sober future
until next time.
Stay strong, stay sober, andkeep shining your bright light
(43:57):
like the sober butterfly youare.
Bye!
Hello and welcome to the SoberButterfly podcast.
I am your host, Nadine Mulvina.
And in this week's episode, wedelve into the journey of Steph,
a bottle waitress here in NewYork City at one of the hottest
clubs.
Steph proudly embraces over 90days of sobriety.
Before we proceed, a gentletrigger warning.
Throughout this conversation,Steph's experiences with her
(00:30):
drug of choice, ketamine or K,as well as alcohol.
As a bottle waitress, Stephfound herself navigating the
societal norms where drinkingwith clients was not just
accepted, but expected.
Beneath the facade of glamour,Steph grappled with using
substances as a copingmechanism.
Feeling perpetually uneasy inher own skin and being ensnared
(00:53):
in a toxic relationship fueledby drugs.
While Steph's journey didn't hita conventional rock bottom, she
encountered frightening momentsthat served as wake up calls.
She credits her newfoundsobriety to the guidance of her
higher power And the supportivecommunity she found in
Alcoholics Anonymous.
Through this journey, Steph hasnot only found sobriety, but
(01:15):
also a profound love forherself.
Join us as we navigate throughthe complexities of addiction,
recovery, and self love withSteph, as she shares her
inspiring story oftransformation and resilience.
Let's get into it.
Hello.
Hello.
And welcome to the SoberButterfly Podcast.
Today we are joined with a veryspecial guest.
(01:38):
We have Steph here.
Steph, welcome to the show.
Thank you.
I'm so happy to be here and sohappy to run into you at the
Wellness Summit.
So for a little context forlisteners at home, Steph and I
met last month at a WellnessSummit, as you mentioned, and it
was really amazing to connectwith other women and just
professionals in that space.
So I was working the eventbecause I work at WeWork and I
(02:02):
noticed that you were looking atthe alcohol removed sparkling
wine.
And I came over to you tomention, oh, like this doesn't
have alcohol in it just in case.
And you were like, oh, I'msober.
And I was like, I'm sober too.
And you mentioned your podcastand you were like, I'd love to
have you.
Here we are today.
So I'd love to hear a little bitmore about your story and have
you share because a like, Idon't want to objectify you, but
(02:25):
you were beautiful.
And so just to learn that youwork actually in nightlife.
And I feel like nightlife issuch an interesting industry,
specifically because there's somuch that happens on the club
scene or in the club scene.
So I'd love to get your takeabout just like.
What life looks like for youworking as a bottle service.
(02:47):
Is it what's a waitress?
I'm sorry.
I know it's okay.
Is it derogatory to say bottlegirl?
Like I never want to bottlegirl, bottle waitress server,
probably not cocktail waitressbecause we don't cocktail.
Okay.
Yeah.
Bottle service is what theactivity is.
So you're not wrong.
Okay, cool.
Cool.
Cool.
So as a bottle surface waitressIs that what, I'm so sorry.
(03:07):
Bottle waitress.
My gosh, I'm like adding so manywords to it guys.
Okay, so as a bottle waitresswhat is life like for you?
I want to hear about life beforeyou got sober, but like, what is
the industry like working as abottle?
Waitress in New York city.
Yeah, of course.
So, I started bottle waitressingduring COVID actually.
(03:29):
Yeah, it was 20.
And the day club that I workedat was allowed to open and
operate as it did because it wasa rooftop and it had a
restaurant.
So, like, technically, it wasopen air.
And so we were full on operatinglike, and day club with bottles
(03:50):
and everything.
And it was just the middle ofcobit.
It was quite different.
I came from.
Still working in nightlife precovid, but from an operation
standpoint, so this was all newto me.
And the only reason I got thejob was because of the manager
there.
It was a mutual friend and Iwould say.
(04:10):
That is when my drinking was atits worst.
There were just kind of no rulesand we could drink as like, it's
encouraged to drink with clientsbecause that's how we get them
to spend more and how you kindof like build repertoire with
them and how you may end upgetting more of a tip.
So that's kind of where itstarted.
(04:31):
And there's definitely anincrease in my drinking.
There was.
Yeah, just a lot of drinkingthere.
And then I moved to a differentclub and this was more
corporate.
And I would say it's stillencouraged to drink with your
clients if they're spending, butit wasn't as out of hand, I
(04:51):
would say as the day club.
And so currently.
It's still encouraged to drinkwith your clients and mingle
with them and help other girlswith their tables.
So it's just, yeah, it'sencouraged to drink, but you're
also not required totechnically.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
So I grew up sort of like on theclub scene, not working, but
(05:12):
definitely attending in Miamihere in New York.
And so I didn't realize that abig part of the role was
actually conversing and mixingwith the clients.
I don't know why I had thispersona, like, While the
waitress is just bringing thebottle and leaving and like
having this air of just like I'mtoo pretty and good for you Like
let me walk away But you'resaying like the actual job role
(05:32):
entails like conferring and likegetting to know the clients as
well Yes, definitely.
So that is what you will see onsocial media as the memes and
the reels making fun of How we,you know, how the client's
spending like a car payment andwe've come out and we're just
like, exactly.
You're just like really deadpan.
So I really think thatdifferentiates my company from
(05:56):
other clubs because we are verybig on hospitality and what
we're known for.
So it's definitely encouraged tobe friendly and interact with
your table.
But of course there are peoplethat.
Are used to those settings andthey will just handle their
stuff.
Like a lot of the Asian clientsthat I have, they like to come
(06:18):
in, get their vodka, and thenthey play these little like
games, like drinking games.
And they just circle around thetable and like, you can't even
get to it and they don't needyou to do anything for them.
So it's really.
It just depends on the clienttoo.
Like some clients are more highdemand and they want every drink
made for them, every shot, andthey want you to like hang out
with them.
Or, you know, they might leaveearly.
(06:39):
So yeah, it just depends.
So if there's this idea or sensethat you're encouraged to
interact and entertainessentially the clients
depending on their needs, atwhat point, or is there a
defined line between how much todrink?
Like how much is too much is myquestion.
Yeah, so I would say that is upto each girl kind of and as long
(07:03):
as you Don't make any mistakeswith paperwork turn in your
paperwork clock out at the endof the day and get home safely.
That is something thatManagement is adamant about not
drinking and driving, which someof the girls do drive like I
drive to work.
So they are cognizant aboutthat, but it's really at the end
(07:24):
of the day, like, yourresponsibility for what you
decide you want to do even if.
It feels like it's a part of thejob.
That's how I see it personally.
I can't speak for all the othergirls.
So before you got sober, right?
you said that your drinking wassort of like at its worst or at
a pinnacle.
What was that like in terms ofworking and then also drink your
(07:47):
drinking?
what was that parallel like foryou?
Yeah, so there was definitelypoints I would say in 2022 where
I would just like, if I wasn'tbusy and I didn't have a table
to drink with, I would belooking for another girl to help
because I wanted to help, butalso because I wanted to drink
and I can remember it waselectric zoo weekend and we did
(08:09):
the after parties.
And I drink vodka.
Like if you know me, I do notdrink vodka, but I was just so
bored and wanted to drink that Iwas drinking vodka with my like
regulars.
So yeah, it, it definitelybecame where I tried to set a
rule for myself where it waslike, I'll only drink if it's
(08:30):
premium.
So like 1942 class a, or likethe expensive champagnes.
And that was kind of okay tostick with.
And then I actually got in a caraccident.
It's okay.
It could have been a lot worse.
And that is definitely a momentI recognize is where like my
higher power was definitelythere for me.
(08:51):
It was in 2022 and I was on myway home and drunk and I really
only came to you when the airbagdeployed and I think I was going
down the opposite way of a oneway and next thing you know, I
like came to again when I parkedin my parking spot and I looked
(09:13):
at my car and I was just like, Ihave to deal with that tomorrow
and passed out on my couch, wokeup in the morning, had to.
deal with that.
Luckily, I don't think I, youknow, no one else was involved
and no cops were involved.
So I was really lucky.
And so that's when I decided totake a little break and it ended
up being five months.
(09:34):
Okay.
Wow.
Well, thank God you're okay.
I think you're hyper that you'refine, but it's those moments
that sometimes can be a realitycheck, like a check in point.
And it kind of mirrors like theinflection of maybe you're
drinking.
So after that car accident, youtook a five month hiatus.
Did you get sober after that?
Or did you go back to drinkingafter the five months?
(09:55):
So I went back to drinking, butI want to say from like my
recollection that I did it less.
And so I don't really drink toooften, or I didn't really drink
too often outside of her.
So I wasn't somebody who keptalcohol at home or anything.
It was just really.
When working and even my old joband this job, like I always
(10:18):
drove to work and that wasdefinitely a big problem.
And when you're entertaining atable, you are taking maybe like
10 shots back to back, like it'snothing.
And we have this conversationwhere it's like, why do we get
so like drunk easily when we'rejust out?
But then when we're working andI'm assuming it's like
adrenaline, you're at work,there's music, so you don't feel
(10:40):
it as much, but it's still inyour body.
So.
Yeah, I didn't.
I didn't get sober after that.
And honestly, even during thebreak I was doing my drug of
choice, which is ketamine.
So it wasn't like I wasn't doinganything.
But I've definitely slowed downwith the alcohol at least okay
(11:03):
If you're expected to drink wereyou able to like ever throw it
over your shoulder or like doanything to like Give off the
illusion of drinking Like I'mjust imagining some nights
because it's your job, you justdon't feel like drinking, but
like, that's the expectation.
Was there ever a time that youcould implement some of those
kind of like tricks?
Yeah, so specifically for those5 months and I do it now, but I
(11:25):
was just faking the shots.
Like, I may have even, there was1 time where I literally put the
entire shot in my mouth andthen.
turned around to my busser andjust like spit it out and like
put it in his little bucket.
And I think that's also helpful.
Letting your busser know theperson that you're working with
very closely that you aren'tdrinking because he can really
(11:48):
assist in those maneuvers.
And also with champagne Icurrently just go and fill an
empty glass with soda water andlike a little bit of.
sugar free Red Bull and it looksthe same color if you're not
looking closely and it's beenfine.
Last night was actually reallynice because one of our friends
came in and he's aware that I'msober.
(12:11):
So there was no pressure, eventhough everybody was, you know,
hanging out and drinking and hewas spending, there was no
pressure to have to, you know,do those little maneuvers
because I could just.
Blatantly pour the sugar freeRed Bull into a shot glass and
just cheers with them.
So that was nice.
But yeah, just for the mostpart.
There's only been a handful oftimes where clients have been
(12:34):
like forceful, like where Ilegitimately had a shot poured
into my mouth and like forced.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And those are very rare and.
Rare cases, and there aretypically people that like have
been around for a long time andlike know people and so other
than that, people aren'tforceful.
(12:57):
The most is you'll get thequestion, of course, like, oh,
why, like, why aren't youdrinking?
Why are you sober?
Or they'll think that you'rejust taking a break because I
feel like most people don't usethe word sober.
Fully correctly.
Like, yes.
Yeah, totally.
It really feels like you'rehaving a moment, pun intended,
(13:18):
when you're sipping on thelovely and refreshing moment.
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(14:02):
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(14:25):
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Let's be moment bunnies.
We can both have momentstogether.
I like this timeline.
So basically in the pandemic,you were working, you entered
this industry, in a new role, asa bottle waitress, and then you
(15:06):
sort of have this like momentwhere you realize that you had
to slow down with your drinkingafter your accident.
And then, you know, Five monthslater, you kind of fell back
into similar routines.
It sounds like.
So then what was the nextturning point for you?
Was there another turning pointto where you realized, okay, I
actually don't want to do thisanymore in terms of like drink
(15:26):
or do your drug of choice.
Yeah.
So I would say that kind ofhappened end of 2022 where.
I kept thinking it at least likeI need to stop and at that point
it was mainly the K that was aproblem.
And so, uh, the summer of 2022with my friends was pretty
(15:50):
chaotic.
We were going out to shows a lotand.
Just rolling every single momentpossible, killing many brain
cells.
Like our one friend actuallyrecently told us he was planning
on doing an intervention.
Like he lived in DC at the timeand he Legitimately booked a
(16:12):
ticket, a train ticket and wasready to do it.
But then some events happenedand it all kind of actually
fizzled out on his own.
And he was like, okay, I don'tneed to go.
I don't need to come up and dothis.
But he told us and I was justlike, oh, wow.
And he made a good point.
He was like, yeah, it wasn'tjust, you know, Friday,
Saturday, you guys were goingout Thursday, Friday, Saturday,
(16:33):
Sunday.
And then you guys were doing thepool party on Monday.
And I'm like, all right, you're,you're right.
But yeah, so I think that was.
A moment where that was when myemotions were most sporadic
because when you're coming downoff of like molly and just like
rendering.
Yeah.
And so I was definitely veryemotional and irritable and I
(16:58):
knew that.
And so that's when I definitely.
Mentally thought, okay, I needto make a change, but I don't
think that changed.
Really.
It didn't happen until the endof last year.
So what brought me to the actualpoint where I was.
deciding that I wanted to besober was actually so for the
(17:20):
past probably like five, sixyears of my life, I've had this
like pain on the left side of mybody.
And it like started from my feetand then just kind of like, it's
like an irritation.
I don't know how to describe it.
I've seen pain.
Yeah.
It's definitely like nerveinvolved.
And I've seen all sorts ofdoctors, chiropractor.
like holistic and just regulardoctors and nobody has ever been
(17:45):
able to like fix it and it getsreally bad at some point
especially in the winter and whoknows if like my use worsened it
too but i finally saw apodiatrist and was able to
alleviate a lot of the pain andwhen you're in chronic pain i
guess you don't realize thatyou're in chronic pain because
you're used to it and so onceThat got sorted.
(18:09):
I pretty much thought to myself,I don't have any bad
relationships in my life anymorebecause I cut off all the really
toxic ones that I needed to.
I have a really goodrelationship and Now this pain
is gone.
Like I have no excuses and Ifeel like I just need to do
(18:30):
better for myself because Ididn't work so hard my whole
life to get to where I am tothrow it all away for like a
drug.
That's amazing.
It sounds like you tookinventory of like all of the
things that were serving you andremoved the things that no
longer were, including thecoping mechanism.
Or I guess my question is, didyou feel that you use your drug
(18:53):
of choice K as like a copingmechanism or just like a party
drug?
Because it is a party drug.
Did the lines blur or do youfeel like it was a coping
mechanism for you?
So the line is definitelyblurred.
I would say I was using itregularly pre COVID and then
COVID amplified it and then postCOVID was just the same.
Yeah.
(19:13):
And then I was in a prettyemotionally and mentally abusive
relationship from.
July 2021 to January 2022.
And the relationship was verydrug fueled.
And he, I mean, we bothcontributed to it, but at the
end he tried to, you know, turnit on me, but that's another
(19:35):
story.
But yeah, so it became a thingwhere anytime we would get into
those arguments or he would likebe like belittling me, my
instant.
Reaction was I'm going to likeorder a bag like right away.
So that definitely became acoping mechanism.
And I think post that and posthealing from that, it just
(19:57):
lingered.
And that was at Noah's faultbesides, you know, my own.
And it was definitely just anaddiction at that point.
But I would say that how Ilooked at it and why I used it
was because I had this.
idea that it helped with myanxiety.
It made me able to function inpublic settings and talk to
(20:20):
people and whatnot which endedup being the complete opposite
because towards the end of it, Iwould get very anxious while on
it and then, yeah, and thenwhile you're on it, you're
paranoid and you're, you'rewondering if people know, and
then you're also thinking abouthow you don't want to be on it.
So you're literally spendingyour highs.
(20:41):
And I've talked to a few peoplewhere they were using coke, but
it was just a similar storytowards the end where it's just,
you're spending your entire timehigh.
Googling like what's what thenegative effects are of the drug
or like as you're experiencingthe negative effects of the
drug.
Exactly.
Yeah, I know all too well.
(21:02):
So what was the process likewhen you decided to cut K out of
your life?
And was it also in conjunctionwith alcohol or did you kind of
do one and then remove theother?
So my full sobriety date isSeptember 4th and I stopped
doing K and alcohol 20 daysbefore that.
(21:24):
I have a friend who I'm notsuper or wasn't super close to,
but I had heard that he.
Was in AA and had started thisjourney probably maybe three
months before me And so I hadtexted him while I was high
being like I need to talk to youabout I have questions And then
of course I got home that dayWas like, oh I have to make
(21:46):
dinner and like I'll call youafter and then like slowly as
the highs wearing off I waslike, maybe I'll just call him
tomorrow.
Yeah, but Luckily and shout outto him Putting his name out
there.
I'm very thankful for himbecause he followed up with me
that night with a text justbeing like, Hey, I'm still up.
Like I'm going to go to sleepsoon.
But, and so I immediately calledhim.
(22:07):
He went with me to my firstmeeting shout out mustard seed.
And that was a Tuesday.
It happened to be a step meetingand it was step five.
And they have a little plaque intheir room that says, we will
love you until you learn to loveyourself.
And I.
Was very emotional.
But that was it.
(22:28):
And then I, I, I guess, well, Istuck to it, but then that was
when I knew, okay, K andalcohol.
K because that's the problem.
Alcohol because if I'm drunk,I'm more likely to just get it.
And I was like, okay, well, I'mgoing to see my favorite artists
in New Orleans.
I'm going to roll for it.
That's okay.
And I ended up yeah.
(22:50):
not being able to go Fridaynight because I had work.
So I flew straight there fromlittle sleep and work, had no
sleep.
Went to the show and took Molly,was smoking my friend's dab pen.
I don't smoke and just likedoing everything else.
And I was just like, well, it'sfine.
Cause I'm not doing the K oralcohol.
And that's.
When I realized, okay, it has tobe everything because there's
(23:12):
still this chasing of a feelingand the high.
So that's when I got back and itwas, yeah, uh, December 4th that
I decided I need to just doeverything and see where that
takes me.
There's this, like.
Understanding and recoveryspaces like a, which is like the
(23:33):
addicts brain, right?
And I resonate with having anaddicts brain and something you
had touched on earlier aboutwhen you were working.
And I was like, I'm only goingto drink, you know, the premium
alcohol.
For example, I'm not going tojust accept anything that's
given to me.
Like, we make these concessionsas we go through the process.
So we have these rules forourselves that become
(23:54):
conditional.
And then it's like, it's reallyeasy to make excuses for other
things when you don't have agood grapple on, like, why
you're using or taking thething.
So, for example, like, I did asimilar thing where I was like,
I'm only going to try andmoderate my drinking.
You know, twice a week.
And it's like, even if I coulddo it, I was still chasing a
(24:16):
feeling and it didn't matterwhat the actual substance was
because ultimately I was justlooking to feel something
instead of coming to terms withlike what I was struggling to
process for me personally.
So I kind of connect to someparts of your story there, just
in this idea that like.
It may not be even the drug ofchoice, but like you're still
chasing something and thenyou're that annoying girl
(24:39):
because you didn't bring yourown drugs.
Oh yeah.
Yep.
Yep.
Yep.
Oh, I felt so bad.
I was just like.
It's already one, like we'regoing back, aren't you going to
want to sleep?
And I'm like, yeah, I guess, Iguess.
And the thing is, it didn't evenwork because I was so tired and
(24:59):
that's why I kept trying.
Yeah.
I wasn't, I didn't feelanything.
Yeah.
The amount.
Like, I don't smoke weed, so ifI took a hit right now, I would
get high.
Yeah.
I was hitting my friend's dabpen from Colorado consistently,
and just nothing, and, but Ijust continued.
Yeah.
Chasing, yeah.
That's how my drinking wastowards the end.
That was my drug of choicemainly, as well as other things,
(25:22):
but drinking specifically, itwas like, I couldn't get drunk
the way I wanted to anymore,because I had done it so much,
that like, maybe my tolerancewas just sky high, or whatever
the case may be, like,Physically, it was, I would feel
the physical aftermath, like theeffects of it the next day,
which sucked, but like, Iwouldn't feel like the emotional
or like whatever I was trying toobtain from the actual
(25:44):
substance, it really sucked,which is another clue for me
that I needed to stop because itwas just like, yeah, that's how
people I feel like switch toother things are more hardcore
because they're looking to feelsomething.
Yeah, that's a good point.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, because when what you'redoing isn't enough.
Yeah.
And when you're inhibitions arelower to like you making the
having the realization thatokay, K was the real drug of
(26:07):
choice, but an alcohol aidedwith you looking for K, like,
that's how it was for me tolike, my inhibitions would be so
lower that I would beexperimenting with other things.
because of alcohol, like itwould just lead me to being
like, well, I'm just going to dowhatever now.
Like that's, that's where we'reat because I want to feel
something because I couldn'tfeel something from the alcohol.
So yeah, just a really likeconvoluted difficult, like, I
(26:31):
don't know, cycle cycle ofchasing.
And it's just interesting how.
It is a disease.
And so many of us have this sameexperience.
And I think that's what I reallyvalue from being in the meetings
is being able to hear otherpeople's experiences and being
like, okay, we're not alone inthis.
We are all very similar.
(26:52):
One of my favorite sayings is weare a terminally Unique.
Have you heard that one yet?
No, I haven't.
It's just this idea that youthink that you're the only
person that's gone through likethis issue and then you hear
someone's story or share in aroom and you're like, Oh my God,
that was me.
Like, or like another version ofthat story where it's like, You
feel like I'm not unique or weare all terminally unique.
(27:14):
We all have this disease.
And the thing about the diseaseis that it is progressive.
So like behind the scenes, youand I were just chatting about
like, not necessarily either ofus having a rock bottom moment.
So many people do others saythey don't, but like, it's this
idea that because it's a diseaseand it's progressive by nature.
(27:34):
If you didn't have the rockbottom, then it was bound to
come.
It's inevitable.
Yeah, exactly.
And I heard somebody say this inthe room once, uh, how as I get
better, my disease gets worse.
And how That's true because whenpeople relapse, it can result in
death because they end up usingas much as they did before and
(27:58):
they're not there anymore.
Yeah.
Or it just ends up being areally bad vendor.
And so that really stuck withme.
That was at North Brooklynrecovery.
And yeah, I think about that.
Yeah, I would never want to getsober.
No, that's really beautiful.
And it does get and not to likescare anyone because I think a
lot of people have day ones andthat's okay.
Like I would even say formyself, like I definitely didn't
(28:22):
get sober the first time I triedto get sober.
But it does get harder becauseit gets harder, but also you
have more experience.
Like you have more tools thatyou can lean on more people that
you can connect with or turn to.
But it is this idea, I thinkthat sometimes.
The more this is why thisplatform is so important for me.
This is why talking to you andhearing other people's stories
(28:45):
of recovery is so essentialbecause I do think that we can
sobriety.
The more time you have, the moreyou can delude yourself into
thinking that you're totallybuying and then you stop doing
the work and when you stop doingthe work, it's almost like the
addict brain turns on again.
And it's like, well, I'm, I'mcured.
Like, I'm fine.
Like, I can just do 1 or I cando this other thing that may
(29:08):
lead to another thing.
And I think I've seen thathappen a few times, which is
like, why I will never stopdoing the work and talking about
my sobriety because I don't wantto take it for granted and I
don't want to assume.
That everything is fine becauseI know myself.
Like that's the thing.
Like I just know who I am.
Yeah.
But so far everything thatyou've shared has just been so
(29:29):
powerful and I feel like peoplewill connect with that.
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(31:00):
So how has life been sincegetting sober?
So have you been forthcoming?
I know you mentioned last nightyour friend came and he knows
that you're sober as a client.
He was there.
So you were able to like, Notpretend that you're drinking per
se.
So what has that like been foryou still working in the club
and being sober and having tomaybe maneuver, play another
(31:25):
role?
does it feel like you're acting?
Not necessarily.
I feel like it hasn't been toodifficult.
So I shared my journey with twoof the girls that I work with
early on.
And they were very supportive.
And then I had my 90 daysactually, uh, last Sunday.
Oh my gosh.
(31:46):
Yeah, this past Sunday.
That's amazing.
Oh my gosh.
Wow.
Yeah.
It's crazy to think that itreally is just one day at a
time.
It really is.
Aw, congrats.
Thank you.
That's amazing.
But, yeah, we were at dinner forone of the girls because she's
moving back to where she camefrom and leaving us, so I
(32:10):
actually mentioned at dinnerbecause one of the girls
suggested shots and she knew Iwas drinking a mocktail, but she
was like, you want a shot?
And I just said, okay, well.
You know, I should just shareand it wasn't everyone, but it
was the majority and it wasreally nice being able to get
that off my chest.
And I also wanted to wait alittle bit because 1, I wanted
(32:31):
to be certain about what I wasdoing and 2, I wanted to be able
to.
Kind of show in case anybody hadany thoughts, which I don't
think they did about like, Oh,will she be able to do her job
and then kind of come back at itand be like, I've been doing
this for 90 days and you didn'teven notice, you know, like I've
been able to get clients to buymore.
(32:53):
I've been able to entertain andhang out and nobody knew, you
know?
So it's.
It's nice being able to havethat data point to but yeah,
other than that, it was reallynice and supportive of the
girls.
I feel like they offered a lotof kind words and just like, you
know, let me know if you need totalk cause I've been in
nightlife for a long time sortof situations, or they've had
(33:15):
friends that had had similarjourneys, which, you know, you
never know that unless you shareabout your sobriety.
And I feel like that's beenreally.
Helpful for some of the girls.
They've told me that it's beeninspiring to them and also
they'll come to me and be like,Oh, I took like a little break.
I did like 2 weeks and I'm like,you know what?
(33:35):
That's good.
That's better than no break.
So it's kind of nice being ableto open that conversation and
idea to people because I feellike it is easy to, you know,
for anybody that works aroundalcohol to just think that they
need to do it.
They need to partake likebartenders, bottle waitresses,
just anyone.
(33:56):
So it's nice being able toprovide that.
That's amazing.
How has your perspectiveshifted?
Like, do you see thingsdifferently now through sober
eyes at work?
Are you noticing differentthings?
Like I, I treat it as a socialexperiment.
Like I went out last night, Iwas telling you and I was just
like, wow, like no judgment.
It's just like, Oh my God, likeI'm playing the tape forward.
(34:17):
As they say, I'm like, if thiswere me right now, I'd be like
over there slumped in the corneror whatever it is.
But do you see thingsdifferently now at work?
Yeah.
So for one, it's really niceleaving every night.
Remembering what you did andthat I did turn in my paperwork
and won't get written up orasked to be in the office for
that.
which I've done, I've taken homemy paperwork twice because I
(34:40):
just, I don't know, autopilotgone wrong, but yeah, so it's
nice not having that anxiety theentire next day.
It's nice going home and beingable to just sleep right away
and waking up refreshed andbeing able to.
Get along with my day.
But yeah, I do notice that.
I try, I've been trying to beless judgmental because what
(35:02):
other people do is in mybusiness, but it is difficult
for me to sometimes be in thosespaces.
If the people are veryintoxicated and just obnoxious,
because I just feel like youjust see it differently now,
because you're on the other, uh,side.
So, but yeah, overall, I don'tfeel like there's been too much
(35:22):
of a change.
It's been just nice rememberingthings.
Absolutely.
And so do clients ever noticethat you're not drinking?
So I've had good conversations,honestly, with some people that
I've had at my table.
So specifically New Year's, Ihad this girl and this guy that
she was with, and she offered mesome 42 and some champagne.
(35:44):
And I just said, I was sober.
And she said, Oh, that'samazing.
Like I've been trying to do thatmore too.
She's a like.
spiritual like speaker.
She has an Instagram where shejust does like tarot and
everything.
Yeah.
And so, yeah, we reallyconnected.
She told me that I had a voicefor television.
You do have a voice fortelevision.
(36:04):
She's right.
She's definitely good at pickingup on flora and vibes.
Yeah.
And she said a lot of stuff thatresonated with me because of
what I was going through too.
And You know, it was a wonderfulconversation and she ended up
over tipping 500.
So, and I didn't drink with her,didn't have to flirt with her,
(36:25):
you know?
So sometimes all it takes isreally just connecting with
people on like a human level.
And not over alcohol doesn'talways have to be.
And honesty, I feel like that'sthe biggest thing I've taken
away from getting sober is likebeing honest with myself and
therefore other people and likepeople connect with that too.
You didn't have to make a bigstory.
I'm sober.
I don't drink.
(36:45):
And she was like, I dig it.
Probably inspired her.
And that's been a change too,where I've moved away from, Oh,
I'm taking a break to just fullon now.
And like, I am sober and I'lleven mention like AA and my
sponsor.
And usually people are morecurious than not.
I think I was worried that itwas more judgmental or people
(37:06):
assuming you were, I don't know,just like.
You would hit like a rock bottomor you were, I don't know, the
most negative connotations ofit.
It's a cult.
Yeah.
That's what I hear.
No, people are curious.
It's group therapy.
Yes.
It's just like greater innumbers.
I love that.
And I feel like you're being ofservice just by like sharing
(37:28):
your story and connecting withpeople and inspiring love.
Do you feel like in yourindustry, you see other girls
who may be following a similartrajectory or pop and do you
ever feel like It's notnecessarily your business or
your place, but do you feel likeyou could be of aid or help
those people?
Yeah, I would love to be able tobe, I don't know, a guide or
(37:51):
just an ear or anything.
If anybody was ever curiousabout it or wanted to start that
journey.
I know it's.
difficult and scary.
And I feel like there is this itseems like an obligation to do,
like to partake.
But I like being able to tellpeople that it's not, and that
(38:11):
it's okay if you don't want toand you don't have to be like
worried about it.
You're not getting in trouble.
Like it's literally not, it is,but it isn't our job, you know?
Right.
Exactly.
Exactly.
I love that so much.
And so in the future.
Do you see yourself still doingbubble service or do you feel
like you want to move into a newfield, not to say there's
(38:34):
anything wrong with that, butlike nightlife and sobriety
don't necessarily go hand inhand.
Do you feel that way?
Or do you feel like this issomething that you can continue
doing?
Yeah.
So, for now, I think it'smanageable.
I am looking to.
Eventually exit as I feel likemost are, but I am still waiting
for that day job that will allowme to make that exit.
(38:58):
Right.
I don't want to be nosy numbers,but I'm assuming you get paid
well.
Yes.
Okay.
That's why.
So that's essentially why like.
being able to find a day jobwhere it makes me comfortable
not having that.
And also, honestly, I have beenworking in nightlife since I
moved to New York in 2018.
So I haven't had my weekendsessentially.
(39:19):
Oh my gosh.
Well, yeah.
Yeah.
And that I think is more why Iwant to leave than anything else
because I, Can see all of themissed moments, like birthdays
and just uh, opportunities tolike connect and build
relationships because of nothaving the weekends before we
(39:39):
wrap.
I did want to ask you this.
So I'm assuming that youprobably have stories just about
like.
people that hit on you withinyour role.
Do you feel like you have alittle bit more control or
autonomy over how you respond tothose situations being sober as
opposed to when you weredrinking?
I think because of howaggressive the guys are at the
(40:01):
club that I still have.
An aggressive tone with it, butI think for sure when I was
drinking I have always been onewhere I'm like, I'll fight you.
So, you know, it doesn't reallywork well when you're staff
either.
(40:21):
But yeah, definitely moved awayfrom that and more so just walk
away or ignore them.
Yeah.
Not even worth.
Not even worth the interactionengaging.
Yeah.
Okay.
I love that.
Well, I really appreciateeverything you've shared.
Know that we give tips here, butif you had 1 piece of maybe
advice that you would give to agirl who is.
(40:43):
Steph, in 2021 22, struggling inthe pandemic or struggling with
their drinking or drug ofchoice, what would be the first
piece of advice or first thingyou would tell them to like,
kind of help them get to thatnext step?
Yeah, I feel that a lot of myusing was because of being
(41:05):
uncomfortable in my own skin andwanting to have people like me
and be able to engage in thosesocial aspects without the
social anxiety.
But I would say that you shouldjust be yourself and not
everyone's going to like yousober, not sober.
So who cares?
(41:27):
Pretty much.
Who cares?
And the people who are meant tobe for you will connect with you
and you don't need to try toearn somebody's friendship by.
Not being yourself and by likeusing a drug or alcohol to try
to force that.
Yeah.
I love that so much.
(41:47):
And I connect with that too,because I feel like so much of
it was also maybe feelinguncomfortable with who I am.
And then it's like, do theyreally like you?
If you have to like compromiseyour state of being to be the
person or version, that's more.
That person at the risk oflosing yourself.
And it's so funny too, becausebefore I was like, Oh, I love
(42:08):
myself.
I know myself.
And then post I'm like, Oh, Iwas wrong.
I love that so much.
Well, Steph, I really appreciateyou coming onto the podcast.
Your story has been soinspiring.
And I especially think for justlike young women or women in
general who are reallystruggling with.
Identity, as you mentioned,maybe struggling with trying to
(42:31):
figure out, like, how they canbreak free from the sense of
uncomfortability in their ownskin.
And anyone that works innightlife will really resonate
with this as well.
So, thank you for coming on.
Yeah, do you mind if I shareyour.
Socials plug them.
Yeah, of course.
My Instagram is meow.
X stuff.
M E O W X S T E P H.
(42:52):
And that's really all I'm on inthe future.
Should be on TV.
I really appreciate a voiceactor.
Yes.
I love it.
You have an amazing voice.
She's absolutely right.
so much for coming on.
for having me.
Thank you for tuning into thisepisode of the Sober Butterfly
podcast.
(43:12):
We hope Steph's journey hasinspired and touched you as much
as it has us.
If you enjoyed this episode andfound value in Steph's story, we
encourage you to hit that followbutton to stay updated on future
episodes.
Your support means the world tous.
And Hey, if you loved what youheard today, please consider
leaving us a five star review onyour favorite podcast platform.
(43:35):
Your feedback not only helps usgrow, but also ensures that more
people like you can discover theempowering stories we share.
Remember you are never alone onyour journey to sobriety and
self discovery together.
We can spread our wings and soartoward a brighter, sober future
until next time.
Stay strong, stay sober, andkeep shining your bright light
(43:57):
like the sober butterfly youare.
Bye!
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