February 14, 2024 • 22 mins
This episode of The Sober Butterfly podcast explores the profound journey of self-love within the context of sobriety. Join Nadine as she delves into the transformative power of embracing all parts of oneself: the good, the bad, and the ugly, while cultivating compassion, and discovering authentic love in this journey of sobriety.
We also get into:
- Embracing Vulnerability: Acknowledging the challenges and vulnerabilities on the path to sobriety is the first step towards self-love.
- Cultivating Compassion: Learning to treat oneself with kindness and understanding, especially during difficult moments, is essential for nurturing self-love.
- Uncovering Authenticity: Sobriety provides an opportunity to rediscover and embrace one's true self, free from the constraints of addiction.
- Seeking Support: Surrounding oneself with a supportive community and seeking professional help can aid in the cultivation of self-love and sobriety.
To connect with Nadine:
- Follow on IG: @the.soberbutterfly @soberbutterflypodcast
- Follow on TikTok @the.soberbutterfly
- Subscribe to YouTube channel
- Subscribe to our monthly newsletter, https://thesoberbutterfly.com/
Resources from the Episode:
- The Love Atiya Experience Podcast - Sober Sex & Healthy Dating Tips with Nadine
- No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model
- Sober Toolboxes, But Make Them Sensory
FREEBIE Guide to Quitting Alcohol - 30 Day Transformation (course)
Partners:
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Nadine Mulvina (00:02):
You are worthy of love and belonging,
regardless of your past mistakesor struggles.
Sobriety is not just aboutabstaining from a substance.
It's about reclaiming your lifeand learning to love yourself
unconditionally.
(00:24):
If you don't love yourself, noone else will.
Not in the way that you deserve,at least.
Hi friends, and welcome to a newepisode of The Sober Butterfly.
To be completely honest, thisweek's episode is on a whim.
I had a totally differentepisode lined up for us, but I
felt like there were manyuniversal signs pointing me in a
(00:44):
different direction.
And this year, 2024, I'm allabout flowing, not forcing.
So I'm like, you know what, letme just hit record.
Let me just see what comes out.
And I hope it's good.
I do have A very clear focus fortoday, which is all about self
love and how sobriety has led meto feeling more confident and
(01:05):
self assured and just lovingmyself, all parts of myself, the
good, the bad, the ugly.
Before I got sober, and even inthe beginning of my sobriety,
like the first few months, Idefinitely saw self love as
bubble baths, long showers.
affirmations and all like thecutesy things that we associate
(01:27):
with loving yourself and selfcare, but it's more than that.
It's more about acceptance.
Accepting who you are, the good,the bad, the ugly.
This is not a how to guide.
It's just what I have donesuccessfully in my own life that
I would love to see more peoplecultivate in their lives because
I feel better.
And when I feel better, I ambetter.
(01:49):
I show up for people in abetter, more meaningful way.
But before I get to that, I justwant to quickly explain how this
episode was inspired.
It was inspired by true events.
So a culmination of things.
A friend of mine has a podcastcalled The Lovatia Experience,
and she is phenomenal.
You have to listen to herpodcast.
(02:09):
It's a sex positive podcast.
And her and I bonded when wefirst met.
Over the fact that we werecelibate and it was almost like
an accidental period ofcelibacy.
That was also Intentional.
I know it's a whole thingAnyway, she interviewed me for
her podcast and that episode isavailable now So I will link
that in the show notes in caseanyone wants to hear it Just
(02:32):
hearing myself talk about whatlife looked like in the throes
of my addiction Especially inregards to dating, especially in
regards to my self worth and mylack of self love.
It's just twofold to see howmuch I have grown since then and
sobriety is like the number onething that I can attribute to
that growth and then obviouslythis week If you're listening in
(02:55):
real time is Valentine's Day.
So just those separate entitieshave inspired me to think
through today's episode and kindof changing up the order of
things.
So I hope that's okay with youguys.
Please today indulge me as I gointo self love.
And sobriety.
One of the most importantrelationships you can have is
(03:16):
with yourself.
I think so many of us, so manyof us in terms of like people
who had an addiction, we feel sobad about the wrongdoings we've
done other people that we forgetthat we have done wrong to
ourselves.
Right?
So it's important to becompassionate and nurturing.
It is very much about healingthe relationship with yourself.
(03:36):
And that's something that wasreally difficult for me, because
so much of my life beforegetting sober was focused on
relationships with other peopleand not so much about my
relationship with myself.
In fact, one could argue, I wasusing alcohol and other
substances to distract myselffrom myself.
I didn't want to work on myrelationship with myself.
(03:57):
I didn't want to work on myselfbasically.
And so I was so fixated onexternal validation and seeking
relationships with other peopleto then give meaning to my life
and give meaning to my worth,which is so dangerous.
And I feel so sad for thatversion of myself speaking from
a compassionate Space and notfrom a judgmental place because
(04:19):
even today there are times whenI look back and hearing that
episode yesterday in the loveAtiya podcast and I'm listening
to the story of me telling veryexplicitly how my first sober
sex experience was Traumatizing.
It's the worst sex I've ever hadon the record.
And so Listening to myself and Iwas newly sober And that
(04:40):
experience, and I, today, fastforward two and a half years,
would never tolerate anyonemistreating me in that regard.
And hearing that, like, I almostjudged myself again, so I have
to catch myself.
I'm still working through thispractice of being compassionate
and not listening to that innercritic.
But I almost went there, Ialmost was like, girl, you're
(05:02):
Talking about this publicly howembarrassing like that shame
almost took over me and yeah,you have to listen to the
episode It is powerful and likeme plugging that episode Is
proof of progress because Ialmost in hearing it for the
first time didn't want anyoneelse to hear it I was like
that's embarrassing that you'resharing such a real life
(05:22):
traumatic experience Especiallyin regards to sex and
relationships with men anyway Idigress.
Just know that it's a work inprogress, that you're not always
going to get it perfect.
You may not fully heal fromthese feelings of judgment, but
be kind to yourself.
That's my definition of selflove and how it intersects with
(05:45):
sobriety.
It's being accepting ofyourself.
It's forgiving yourself.
It's nurturing a compassionaterelationship with yourself.
So now that we've defined selflove, we have common language, I
want to move into a segmenttalking about the role of self
love in sobriety.
So we know that sobriety is ajourney.
(06:05):
It's not a destination.
We know that it's filled withups and downs.
It's not a linear process.
We know that there are victoriesand we know that there are
setbacks.
I would say self love is likethe foundation or the anchor.
for navigating this journey thatI just described.
Now, what I don't think peoplenecessarily talk about in self
love is it looks differentdepending on the day, depending
(06:27):
on the era that you're in,depending on what's going on in
your life.
Me getting sober was an act ofself love.
I didn't love myself then asmuch as I love myself today.
Like my love for myself hasgrown exponentially.
So I want to make that clear.
But I loved myself enough inthose moments of feeling broken.
To get myself to a place of.
(06:51):
changing or starting to embarkon this journey of sobriety.
And so I just want to reiterateyour self love, like the
percentage that you loveyourself today can change.
It can fluctuate.
And I would say like back then Igot sober in July of 2021.
I was so broken.
I was kind of like, yeah, Iprobably loved myself like 5
percent and I was kind of like,that's enough.
(07:12):
That 5 percent sometimes can beenough to get you to the next
stage.
Going back to self love beingthe foundation or the crux of
you getting sober.
When you love yourself, youprioritize yourself.
And that's what I did.
I started to prioritize my wellbeing, and then I started to
actually make choices thatreflected and honored my health
(07:35):
and my happiness and my wellbeing.
The key to doing this, right,after you decide that you are
enough and that you are worthit, is to set boundaries.
And there's a reason that peopleconstantly go back to
boundaries.
If you were in recovery spacessuch as AA, even if you're not,
you've probably heard thismantra, people, places, things,
(07:58):
right?
Like that's all aboutboundaries.
Like people, places, things.
Boundaries.
You are setting boundaries.
You are making it clear toyourself and sometimes to other
people that you need to protectyourself from anything that may
be triggering.
And then another key piece hereis you want to surround yourself
with supportive relationships.
(08:19):
It's not just about addictionreplacement in terms of like,
Oh, I'm now going to distractmyself with something.
else.
It's also people you want to tryand surround yourself with
supportive people that upliftyou on this path to recovery or
to sobriety or just support yourgoals, period.
So that looks like sometimesgoing out of your comfort zone
if you don't have those peopleimmediately at your disposal,
(08:41):
which we can get in to atanother time.
I actually want to do an episodeabout sober friends and finding
them because before I got sober,I had no sober friends and now I
have so many people that I cancall up on any given day.
At any given moment to supportme and encourage me and to just
bounce ideas off of and who justunderstand What this process and
(09:02):
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Here are the four ways I think,there's many things that fall
under these four umbrellas, butI really tried to narrow it down
to like four themes, I'll callthem.
Four themes that are connectedto cultivating self love in your
life.
So the first thing, as mentionedin the intro of this episode, is
self compassion.
You have to treat yourself, Withthe same kindness and
(11:19):
understanding that you wouldoffer to your best friend in the
midst of a challenge.
The person that you love themost in the world, they come to
you in a crisis, they come toyou in tears, falling apart,
just with the most selfloathing, loudest in a critic
voice, basically on the brink ofa breakdown.
How are you talking to them?
(11:39):
What do you say to them?
How do you treat them in thatmoment?
That is the energy that you haveto harness and give to yourself.
And if you're not, Mirroringthat same energy with yourself
and baby, what are you doing?
What are you doing?
Because you can't show up and bethe friend, be the sister, be
the wife, the lover, the who,what, whatever, to anyone else.
(12:02):
I hear a lot of people talkabout on social especially like,
oh, I'm an empath.
I feel so greatly for otherpeople and it's like, that's
great.
Being an empath is better thanbeing like a sociopath.
But do you apply that sameenergy to yourself?
I think a lot of people overlookbeing empathetic towards
themselves.
Your relationship with otherpeople will improve when you
(12:23):
improve your relationship withyourself and to yourself.
So self compassion is number onehere.
And the best way to practiceself compassion is to
acknowledge your humanity,understand that we are humans,
especially if you made mistakes.
Before you got sober or asyou're getting sober and even
after you get sober you willcontinue to make mistakes
(12:45):
There's a book that I'm going torecommend if you're struggling
with Quieting your inner critic,a.
k.
a.
judging yourself for the momentor what you've done or what you
think you're going to do.
This book is a game changer.
It's called No Bad Parts.
It's a long title.
I had to look it up.
Healing trauma and restoringwholeness with the internal
(13:05):
family systems model, which Iwill link below in the show
notes.
This book is a game changer asmentioned because it's basically
honoring how you can communicatewith parts of yourself.
The good, the bad, the ugly.
And I love it because it justshows you that there's no one
you.
There's no singular you.
We are not one dimensionalpeople.
We are multi faceted.
(13:27):
And so we've been taught tobelieve that we have a single
identity.
That's why we think in suchblack and white thinking or
terms like, I'm a good person orI'm a bad person.
And that leads to fear or shamewhen you can't control that
inner voice that doesn't matchthe ideal of who we think we
should be.
But I recommend it because itjust basically talks about your
inner critic, which is your egoand how IBS can help you
(13:52):
discover.
other parts of yourself becauseonce again, there's no one
version of you.
So great book if you arestruggling.
Another way in which you cancultivate self love is through
self care.
This is the fun part where youreally get to luxuriate and
focus on yourself and do all thethings that bring you joy.
And sometimes those thingsinclude Actual things.
(14:13):
I love crystals.
I love candles.
I love essential oils.
I love taking long everythingshowers.
I love to sip on refreshingmocktails like Moment.
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Now, what I love about moment isthat not only does it taste
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I love the blood orange.
I love the spicy mango, but it'salso good for you, which is
exactly what I need in my liferight now as I'm in my early.
30s.
It's infused with L theanine,which is great for mental
clarity.
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It also is packed withashwagandha, which is great for
helping to fight stress.
It's made with all of thesenatural botanicals, which really
enhances your vitality.
It does not contain any addedsugar.
It's caffeine and of coursealcohol free and you can
purchase it in still orsparkling.
I love a good sparkle moment sothat's typically the route I
take.
(15:16):
In the morning it's great for aboost to start the day versus in
the afternoon if you want tobeat that afternoon slump and
enhance your mental clarity orif you just need like a simple
pick me up like for me I love tohave a moment after the gym
versus going into the gymbecause it just really helps.
re energize me.
And then in the evening, if youwant to wind down after a long
(15:38):
busy day and enjoy a deliciousmocktail without the hangover,
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Let's be moment buddies.
We can both have momentstogether.
Finding ways to nourish yourbody, but not just your body,
your mind.
I'm a podcaster, obviously, so Ihave to stay up with the most
(16:20):
current.
Trends when it comes to sobrietyand neuroscience.
I love neuroscience So I read alot of books like no bad parts
and things in connection to howour brain works and
understanding that so Findingthings that nourish your body
your mind your soul Whether it'sthrough what I just mentioned.
I'm really big into movementPilates It's like my biggest
(16:40):
addiction right now, and I knowhow that sounds.
I'm so sorry.
I'm I'm annoying but I'maddicted to Pilates I love it so
much but finding ways toBasically express yourself.
Creativity is a big part ofthis.
Um, so yeah, just taking care ofyourself and prioritizing
activities that are nourishingtaking care of yourself.
And then lastly, and justquickly in connection to self
(17:04):
care practices, this is where asober toolbox really comes in
handy.
I'll link another episode thatI've done about creating
essential sobriety.
Toolbox or toolkit that might behelpful for you to like have
specific resources to pull fromespecially in those moments when
you are feeling triggered andwhen you're when you are feeling
like You're not that girlbecause you know that you're
that girl or that guy But ifyou're not feeling like that,
(17:28):
like sometimes it's okay to haveto pull from something to
enhance your feeling of selflove Like I believe that some
people may disagree, but I thinkit's okay to supplement and
pretend when you're at a 5percent instead of at a 50
percent in terms of how you feelabout yourself and how much you
love yourself in that moment.
Okay.
Um, and then lastly, andprobably the most important, I
(17:50):
wouldn't say the most important,they're all important, but
something that's really also agame changer is gratitude.
So really reframing how you seelife and focusing on the
positive aspects of life andcultivating gratitude for the
progress that you've made onthis journey, whether this is
day one for you deciding to getsober or day 10, 000 is And not
(18:13):
just, you know, Oh, I'm sograteful.
I'm so grateful.
Like, what does that mean?
Like it's being grateful forthings when they don't go your
way to reframing every aspect ofyour life.
There was an amazing episode Idid with Prakruti.
She's a sober coach on thereframe app.
And she was talking about howshe reframes everything, her
relationship to everything,especially in those moments
(18:35):
when.
They don't go the way sheexpected or anticipated or hoped
for like that's where thegratitude really needs to shine
through Because it's protectingyou babe I promise you it's
leading you on a differentcourse for a very specific
reason that you may not in thismoment understand why but having
faith and believing thateverything the outcome that Is
meant to happen will happenbecause you believe in what
(18:58):
you're doing and you'repracticing and harnessing joy.
Joy is a choice She also talksabout that.
Choosing happiness in everymoment is a part of being
grateful And when you feel good,I believe the universe returns
that energy to tenfold I hopethat it didn't lose you but
gratitude in every moment isvery very effective Okay, as we
(19:18):
wind down here I just want toquickly touch on barriers to
self love because they are boundto arise You It is impossible to
think that everything is justgoing to go the way you expect
it and you're always going tolove yourself.
No, that's unrealistic and Iwant to set you up for success.
Everything I share here isthings I've actually done and
(19:40):
practiced myself.
And I also want to betransparent and say that it's an
ongoing process and some daysI'm, I'm not with it.
I'm not feeling it and that'sokay too.
So let's just talk about.
Overcoming some of thosebarriers because that's where
their true growth is reached.
Self love is transformative, butit's not always easy, and if you
(20:02):
are grappling with feelings orsentiments connected to shame or
guilt, low self esteem, thiswill hinder your ability to love
yourself fully.
Here's the caveat.
By acknowledging those barriersand seeking support from people
that love you or can affirmtruths for you, right?
(20:23):
Or disrupt beliefs that you'reholding, false beliefs that
you're holding.
That can be the key.
Therapy for me was integral.
Yes, I have to pay this personto show up for me every week or
non bi weekly, but bi monthly?
What is bi weekly?
Every other week.
Anyway, um, that support for mytherapist has been A sounding
board for me to unpack some ofthe limiting belief systems that
(20:46):
I'm still carrying and unpackingsome of the trauma and like
working through healing, becauseit's an ongoing process.
So yeah, so having people.
to support you on the self lovejourney is amazing.
That doesn't just have to besomeone that you pay.
It can be friends, absolutelyloved ones, support groups.
(21:08):
And eventually the hope is thatyou will kind of break free from
the self destructive pattern andbegin to embrace a more loving
relationship with yourself.
It's not always easy, asmentioned, but it is very
worthwhile.
And the more you practice andcommit, we talked about this,
the easier.
it will become.
So I just want to acknowledgethat this is a very individual
(21:32):
process.
If you're wondering like how Iused to think and love myself
because I, baby, I did not.
I did not love myself.
And when I say baby, I'm liketalking to myself.
Like I did not love myselfanywhere near how I feel about
myself today.
As we wrap up today's episode, Iwant to leave you with this
(21:53):
reminder.
You are worthy of love andbelonging regardless of your
past mistakes or struggles.
I'm going to say it again.
You are worthy of love andbelonging regardless of your
past mistakes or struggles.
(22:13):
Embrace this beautiful journeyof self discovery and healing.
Thank you guys so much for beinga part of this journey with me
today.
If you enjoyed today's episode,don't forget to subscribe and
leave us a review.
Happy Valentine's Day for anyonecelebrating, if you're listening
this week.
Today is Valentine's Day,actually, as I drop this, as I
(22:34):
will drop this future me.
So remember, you are deservingof love.
Doesn't have to be from Anyoneelse but from yourself and your
journey and sobriety is worthcelebrating every step of the
way.
Until next time, my friends takecare and keep loving yourself.
You are worthy of love and belonging,
regardless of your past mistakesor struggles.
Sobriety is not just aboutabstaining from a substance.
It's about reclaiming your lifeand learning to love yourself
unconditionally.
(00:24):
If you don't love yourself, noone else will.
Not in the way that you deserve,at least.
Hi friends, and welcome to a newepisode of The Sober Butterfly.
To be completely honest, thisweek's episode is on a whim.
I had a totally differentepisode lined up for us, but I
felt like there were manyuniversal signs pointing me in a
(00:44):
different direction.
And this year, 2024, I'm allabout flowing, not forcing.
So I'm like, you know what, letme just hit record.
Let me just see what comes out.
And I hope it's good.
I do have A very clear focus fortoday, which is all about self
love and how sobriety has led meto feeling more confident and
(01:05):
self assured and just lovingmyself, all parts of myself, the
good, the bad, the ugly.
Before I got sober, and even inthe beginning of my sobriety,
like the first few months, Idefinitely saw self love as
bubble baths, long showers.
affirmations and all like thecutesy things that we associate
(01:27):
with loving yourself and selfcare, but it's more than that.
It's more about acceptance.
Accepting who you are, the good,the bad, the ugly.
This is not a how to guide.
It's just what I have donesuccessfully in my own life that
I would love to see more peoplecultivate in their lives because
I feel better.
And when I feel better, I ambetter.
(01:49):
I show up for people in abetter, more meaningful way.
But before I get to that, I justwant to quickly explain how this
episode was inspired.
It was inspired by true events.
So a culmination of things.
A friend of mine has a podcastcalled The Lovatia Experience,
and she is phenomenal.
You have to listen to herpodcast.
(02:09):
It's a sex positive podcast.
And her and I bonded when wefirst met.
Over the fact that we werecelibate and it was almost like
an accidental period ofcelibacy.
That was also Intentional.
I know it's a whole thingAnyway, she interviewed me for
her podcast and that episode isavailable now So I will link
that in the show notes in caseanyone wants to hear it Just
(02:32):
hearing myself talk about whatlife looked like in the throes
of my addiction Especially inregards to dating, especially in
regards to my self worth and mylack of self love.
It's just twofold to see howmuch I have grown since then and
sobriety is like the number onething that I can attribute to
that growth and then obviouslythis week If you're listening in
(02:55):
real time is Valentine's Day.
So just those separate entitieshave inspired me to think
through today's episode and kindof changing up the order of
things.
So I hope that's okay with youguys.
Please today indulge me as I gointo self love.
And sobriety.
One of the most importantrelationships you can have is
(03:16):
with yourself.
I think so many of us, so manyof us in terms of like people
who had an addiction, we feel sobad about the wrongdoings we've
done other people that we forgetthat we have done wrong to
ourselves.
Right?
So it's important to becompassionate and nurturing.
It is very much about healingthe relationship with yourself.
(03:36):
And that's something that wasreally difficult for me, because
so much of my life beforegetting sober was focused on
relationships with other peopleand not so much about my
relationship with myself.
In fact, one could argue, I wasusing alcohol and other
substances to distract myselffrom myself.
I didn't want to work on myrelationship with myself.
(03:57):
I didn't want to work on myselfbasically.
And so I was so fixated onexternal validation and seeking
relationships with other peopleto then give meaning to my life
and give meaning to my worth,which is so dangerous.
And I feel so sad for thatversion of myself speaking from
a compassionate Space and notfrom a judgmental place because
(04:19):
even today there are times whenI look back and hearing that
episode yesterday in the loveAtiya podcast and I'm listening
to the story of me telling veryexplicitly how my first sober
sex experience was Traumatizing.
It's the worst sex I've ever hadon the record.
And so Listening to myself and Iwas newly sober And that
(04:40):
experience, and I, today, fastforward two and a half years,
would never tolerate anyonemistreating me in that regard.
And hearing that, like, I almostjudged myself again, so I have
to catch myself.
I'm still working through thispractice of being compassionate
and not listening to that innercritic.
But I almost went there, Ialmost was like, girl, you're
(05:02):
Talking about this publicly howembarrassing like that shame
almost took over me and yeah,you have to listen to the
episode It is powerful and likeme plugging that episode Is
proof of progress because Ialmost in hearing it for the
first time didn't want anyoneelse to hear it I was like
that's embarrassing that you'resharing such a real life
(05:22):
traumatic experience Especiallyin regards to sex and
relationships with men anyway Idigress.
Just know that it's a work inprogress, that you're not always
going to get it perfect.
You may not fully heal fromthese feelings of judgment, but
be kind to yourself.
That's my definition of selflove and how it intersects with
(05:45):
sobriety.
It's being accepting ofyourself.
It's forgiving yourself.
It's nurturing a compassionaterelationship with yourself.
So now that we've defined selflove, we have common language, I
want to move into a segmenttalking about the role of self
love in sobriety.
So we know that sobriety is ajourney.
(06:05):
It's not a destination.
We know that it's filled withups and downs.
It's not a linear process.
We know that there are victoriesand we know that there are
setbacks.
I would say self love is likethe foundation or the anchor.
for navigating this journey thatI just described.
Now, what I don't think peoplenecessarily talk about in self
love is it looks differentdepending on the day, depending
(06:27):
on the era that you're in,depending on what's going on in
your life.
Me getting sober was an act ofself love.
I didn't love myself then asmuch as I love myself today.
Like my love for myself hasgrown exponentially.
So I want to make that clear.
But I loved myself enough inthose moments of feeling broken.
To get myself to a place of.
(06:51):
changing or starting to embarkon this journey of sobriety.
And so I just want to reiterateyour self love, like the
percentage that you loveyourself today can change.
It can fluctuate.
And I would say like back then Igot sober in July of 2021.
I was so broken.
I was kind of like, yeah, Iprobably loved myself like 5
percent and I was kind of like,that's enough.
(07:12):
That 5 percent sometimes can beenough to get you to the next
stage.
Going back to self love beingthe foundation or the crux of
you getting sober.
When you love yourself, youprioritize yourself.
And that's what I did.
I started to prioritize my wellbeing, and then I started to
actually make choices thatreflected and honored my health
(07:35):
and my happiness and my wellbeing.
The key to doing this, right,after you decide that you are
enough and that you are worthit, is to set boundaries.
And there's a reason that peopleconstantly go back to
boundaries.
If you were in recovery spacessuch as AA, even if you're not,
you've probably heard thismantra, people, places, things,
(07:58):
right?
Like that's all aboutboundaries.
Like people, places, things.
Boundaries.
You are setting boundaries.
You are making it clear toyourself and sometimes to other
people that you need to protectyourself from anything that may
be triggering.
And then another key piece hereis you want to surround yourself
with supportive relationships.
(08:19):
It's not just about addictionreplacement in terms of like,
Oh, I'm now going to distractmyself with something.
else.
It's also people you want to tryand surround yourself with
supportive people that upliftyou on this path to recovery or
to sobriety or just support yourgoals, period.
So that looks like sometimesgoing out of your comfort zone
if you don't have those peopleimmediately at your disposal,
(08:41):
which we can get in to atanother time.
I actually want to do an episodeabout sober friends and finding
them because before I got sober,I had no sober friends and now I
have so many people that I cancall up on any given day.
At any given moment to supportme and encourage me and to just
bounce ideas off of and who justunderstand What this process and
(09:02):
what this journey can look likeand now a quick word from our
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(10:56):
Here are the four ways I think,there's many things that fall
under these four umbrellas, butI really tried to narrow it down
to like four themes, I'll callthem.
Four themes that are connectedto cultivating self love in your
life.
So the first thing, as mentionedin the intro of this episode, is
self compassion.
You have to treat yourself, Withthe same kindness and
(11:19):
understanding that you wouldoffer to your best friend in the
midst of a challenge.
The person that you love themost in the world, they come to
you in a crisis, they come toyou in tears, falling apart,
just with the most selfloathing, loudest in a critic
voice, basically on the brink ofa breakdown.
How are you talking to them?
(11:39):
What do you say to them?
How do you treat them in thatmoment?
That is the energy that you haveto harness and give to yourself.
And if you're not, Mirroringthat same energy with yourself
and baby, what are you doing?
What are you doing?
Because you can't show up and bethe friend, be the sister, be
the wife, the lover, the who,what, whatever, to anyone else.
(12:02):
I hear a lot of people talkabout on social especially like,
oh, I'm an empath.
I feel so greatly for otherpeople and it's like, that's
great.
Being an empath is better thanbeing like a sociopath.
But do you apply that sameenergy to yourself?
I think a lot of people overlookbeing empathetic towards
themselves.
Your relationship with otherpeople will improve when you
(12:23):
improve your relationship withyourself and to yourself.
So self compassion is number onehere.
And the best way to practiceself compassion is to
acknowledge your humanity,understand that we are humans,
especially if you made mistakes.
Before you got sober or asyou're getting sober and even
after you get sober you willcontinue to make mistakes
(12:45):
There's a book that I'm going torecommend if you're struggling
with Quieting your inner critic,a.
k.
a.
judging yourself for the momentor what you've done or what you
think you're going to do.
This book is a game changer.
It's called No Bad Parts.
It's a long title.
I had to look it up.
Healing trauma and restoringwholeness with the internal
(13:05):
family systems model, which Iwill link below in the show
notes.
This book is a game changer asmentioned because it's basically
honoring how you can communicatewith parts of yourself.
The good, the bad, the ugly.
And I love it because it justshows you that there's no one
you.
There's no singular you.
We are not one dimensionalpeople.
We are multi faceted.
(13:27):
And so we've been taught tobelieve that we have a single
identity.
That's why we think in suchblack and white thinking or
terms like, I'm a good person orI'm a bad person.
And that leads to fear or shamewhen you can't control that
inner voice that doesn't matchthe ideal of who we think we
should be.
But I recommend it because itjust basically talks about your
inner critic, which is your egoand how IBS can help you
(13:52):
discover.
other parts of yourself becauseonce again, there's no one
version of you.
So great book if you arestruggling.
Another way in which you cancultivate self love is through
self care.
This is the fun part where youreally get to luxuriate and
focus on yourself and do all thethings that bring you joy.
And sometimes those thingsinclude Actual things.
(14:13):
I love crystals.
I love candles.
I love essential oils.
I love taking long everythingshowers.
I love to sip on refreshingmocktails like Moment.
And now a quick word from ourpartners.
It really feels like you'rehaving a moment, pun intended.
When you're sipping on thelovely and refreshing moment.
(14:35):
Now, what I love about moment isthat not only does it taste
delicious, I have my favoriteflavors.
I love the blood orange.
I love the spicy mango, but it'salso good for you, which is
exactly what I need in my liferight now as I'm in my early.
30s.
It's infused with L theanine,which is great for mental
clarity.
(14:55):
It also is packed withashwagandha, which is great for
helping to fight stress.
It's made with all of thesenatural botanicals, which really
enhances your vitality.
It does not contain any addedsugar.
It's caffeine and of coursealcohol free and you can
purchase it in still orsparkling.
I love a good sparkle moment sothat's typically the route I
take.
(15:16):
In the morning it's great for aboost to start the day versus in
the afternoon if you want tobeat that afternoon slump and
enhance your mental clarity orif you just need like a simple
pick me up like for me I love tohave a moment after the gym
versus going into the gymbecause it just really helps.
re energize me.
And then in the evening, if youwant to wind down after a long
(15:38):
busy day and enjoy a deliciousmocktail without the hangover,
then Moment is great for thattoo.
One of the best parts for mewith Moment is I feel like it's
a really conscientious brand.
They donate 1 percent of alltheir sales to mental health non
profits, so you can feel goodabout supporting greater causes
as well.
Head over to DrinkMoment.
(15:58):
com and use my code.
TSB 23 to receive 12 percent offyour very first order.
Let's be moment buddies.
We can both have momentstogether.
Finding ways to nourish yourbody, but not just your body,
your mind.
I'm a podcaster, obviously, so Ihave to stay up with the most
(16:20):
current.
Trends when it comes to sobrietyand neuroscience.
I love neuroscience So I read alot of books like no bad parts
and things in connection to howour brain works and
understanding that so Findingthings that nourish your body
your mind your soul Whether it'sthrough what I just mentioned.
I'm really big into movementPilates It's like my biggest
(16:40):
addiction right now, and I knowhow that sounds.
I'm so sorry.
I'm I'm annoying but I'maddicted to Pilates I love it so
much but finding ways toBasically express yourself.
Creativity is a big part ofthis.
Um, so yeah, just taking care ofyourself and prioritizing
activities that are nourishingtaking care of yourself.
And then lastly, and justquickly in connection to self
(17:04):
care practices, this is where asober toolbox really comes in
handy.
I'll link another episode thatI've done about creating
essential sobriety.
Toolbox or toolkit that might behelpful for you to like have
specific resources to pull fromespecially in those moments when
you are feeling triggered andwhen you're when you are feeling
like You're not that girlbecause you know that you're
that girl or that guy But ifyou're not feeling like that,
(17:28):
like sometimes it's okay to haveto pull from something to
enhance your feeling of selflove Like I believe that some
people may disagree, but I thinkit's okay to supplement and
pretend when you're at a 5percent instead of at a 50
percent in terms of how you feelabout yourself and how much you
love yourself in that moment.
Okay.
Um, and then lastly, andprobably the most important, I
(17:50):
wouldn't say the most important,they're all important, but
something that's really also agame changer is gratitude.
So really reframing how you seelife and focusing on the
positive aspects of life andcultivating gratitude for the
progress that you've made onthis journey, whether this is
day one for you deciding to getsober or day 10, 000 is And not
(18:13):
just, you know, Oh, I'm sograteful.
I'm so grateful.
Like, what does that mean?
Like it's being grateful forthings when they don't go your
way to reframing every aspect ofyour life.
There was an amazing episode Idid with Prakruti.
She's a sober coach on thereframe app.
And she was talking about howshe reframes everything, her
relationship to everything,especially in those moments
(18:35):
when.
They don't go the way sheexpected or anticipated or hoped
for like that's where thegratitude really needs to shine
through Because it's protectingyou babe I promise you it's
leading you on a differentcourse for a very specific
reason that you may not in thismoment understand why but having
faith and believing thateverything the outcome that Is
meant to happen will happenbecause you believe in what
(18:58):
you're doing and you'repracticing and harnessing joy.
Joy is a choice She also talksabout that.
Choosing happiness in everymoment is a part of being
grateful And when you feel good,I believe the universe returns
that energy to tenfold I hopethat it didn't lose you but
gratitude in every moment isvery very effective Okay, as we
(19:18):
wind down here I just want toquickly touch on barriers to
self love because they are boundto arise You It is impossible to
think that everything is justgoing to go the way you expect
it and you're always going tolove yourself.
No, that's unrealistic and Iwant to set you up for success.
Everything I share here isthings I've actually done and
(19:40):
practiced myself.
And I also want to betransparent and say that it's an
ongoing process and some daysI'm, I'm not with it.
I'm not feeling it and that'sokay too.
So let's just talk about.
Overcoming some of thosebarriers because that's where
their true growth is reached.
Self love is transformative, butit's not always easy, and if you
(20:02):
are grappling with feelings orsentiments connected to shame or
guilt, low self esteem, thiswill hinder your ability to love
yourself fully.
Here's the caveat.
By acknowledging those barriersand seeking support from people
that love you or can affirmtruths for you, right?
(20:23):
Or disrupt beliefs that you'reholding, false beliefs that
you're holding.
That can be the key.
Therapy for me was integral.
Yes, I have to pay this personto show up for me every week or
non bi weekly, but bi monthly?
What is bi weekly?
Every other week.
Anyway, um, that support for mytherapist has been A sounding
board for me to unpack some ofthe limiting belief systems that
(20:46):
I'm still carrying and unpackingsome of the trauma and like
working through healing, becauseit's an ongoing process.
So yeah, so having people.
to support you on the self lovejourney is amazing.
That doesn't just have to besomeone that you pay.
It can be friends, absolutelyloved ones, support groups.
(21:08):
And eventually the hope is thatyou will kind of break free from
the self destructive pattern andbegin to embrace a more loving
relationship with yourself.
It's not always easy, asmentioned, but it is very
worthwhile.
And the more you practice andcommit, we talked about this,
the easier.
it will become.
So I just want to acknowledgethat this is a very individual
(21:32):
process.
If you're wondering like how Iused to think and love myself
because I, baby, I did not.
I did not love myself.
And when I say baby, I'm liketalking to myself.
Like I did not love myselfanywhere near how I feel about
myself today.
As we wrap up today's episode, Iwant to leave you with this
(21:53):
reminder.
You are worthy of love andbelonging regardless of your
past mistakes or struggles.
I'm going to say it again.
You are worthy of love andbelonging regardless of your
past mistakes or struggles.
(22:13):
Embrace this beautiful journeyof self discovery and healing.
Thank you guys so much for beinga part of this journey with me
today.
If you enjoyed today's episode,don't forget to subscribe and
leave us a review.
Happy Valentine's Day for anyonecelebrating, if you're listening
this week.
Today is Valentine's Day,actually, as I drop this, as I
(22:34):
will drop this future me.
So remember, you are deservingof love.
Doesn't have to be from Anyoneelse but from yourself and your
journey and sobriety is worthcelebrating every step of the
way.
Until next time, my friends takecare and keep loving yourself.
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