April 17, 2024 • 23 mins
In this solo episode of the Sober Butterfly Podcast, host Nadine Mulvina shares her personal experiences and insights on navigating the dating scene as a sober girly in her thirties. Having taken a break from dating on her therapist's advice, Nadine discusses her return to dating, the importance of honesty about sobriety, and the challenges and nuances of dating without alcohol. She offers tips on disclosing sober status, choosing sober-friendly date activities, and maintaining confidence in one's sobriety. Additionally, Nadine emphasizes the significance of focusing on connection rather than alcohol-induced interactions.
00:00 Welcome to the Sober Butterfly Podcast
00:12 Navigating the Dating Scene as a Sober Individual
00:24 Reflecting on Past Relationships and Sobriety
01:45 The Journey Back to Dating Post-Breakup
05:16 Tips for Sober Dating: Honesty, Confidence, and Connection
07:38 Navigating First Dates and Disclosing Sobriety
15:10 Embracing Confidence in Sobriety During Dating
18:35 Focusing on Connection and Clarity in Sober Dating
23:18 Conclusion and Encouragement for Sober Dating
The episode also includes a sponsored segment promoting a non-alcoholic beverage brand, Moment, highlighting its health benefits and commitment to mental health causes.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:02):
Hello, hello, and welcome to theSober Butterfly Podcast, where
we embrace living our very bestlives without alcohol.
My name is Nadine Mulvina.
And in this week's solo episode,we are talking all about how to
navigate the dating scene as asober girly.
I've been wanting to do thisepisode for a while.
(00:24):
So if you've been following meor if you've been listening to
the show for a while, you mayknow that I was in a
relationship for about sixmonths in 2023.
And then prior to me being inthat relationship, I had taken
Over a year off from dating.
Like I was in a no date zone pertherapist order.
(00:47):
It's a whole thing.
Long story short, in that periodof not dating, I also was
celibate.
Makes sense.
Right?
I released an episode back inJanuary of 2023 called Sobriety,
celibacy, and staying single.
And it was actually one of themost listened to episodes of
(01:08):
this podcast.
You guys really liked it.
I got some great feedback.
and then shortly after shootingthat episode, I had clearance
from my therapist to kind of getback out there and start dating
again.
And within, I would say likethree months of me redownloading
the apps and going on a fewdates, I met my then boyfriend,
(01:28):
current ex.
So it was a short lived datingphase, between me putting myself
back out there and then enteringa full relationship again, where
basically I lived with him andeven though the relationship was
over and only lasted for sixmonths, it was pretty serious.
After we broke up late Novemberof 2023.
(01:49):
I took some time off and Iwanted to do some reflection and
really figure out, okay, whathappened in that relationship,
we parted amicably, but I alsoneeded time to sort of breathe
and ruminate and some of thechoices that I made in that
relationship so that I don'tcarry, you know, the excess
baggage into my nextrelationship or a situation
(02:12):
ship.
So I took some time off, but.
I am back, baby.
Like I'm looking to put myselfback out there.
And so as a sober girl, there'salways going to be a little bit
more nuance and add a layer ofcomplexity that needs to be
considered when you are dating.
(02:32):
It is hard enough.
I think dating in 2024,especially in Your thirties,
like I'm 33.
I just turned 33.
So I'm like, I have so manythings to consider, which we
will get into.
However, the added layer is, Iwant to be with someone who
respects my sobriety and also.
(02:54):
Has a healthy relationship withsubstances I don't know entirely
what that looks like, but asmuch as that could look like, I
want to be clear with you guysthis is not quite a how to
guide, even though the episodetitle is how to sober date.
I am just sharing some of mypersonal stories and anecdotes
and the things that I'm doingright now to navigate the dating
(03:18):
scene as a newish single soberso don't necessarily take
everything I say as Bible.
Like you don't have to followwhat I'm doing.
I'm just sharing some of myexperiences and what's working
for me currently.
Keep in mind.
Boyfriend.
(03:39):
I'm not a super dating coach.
I don't have all the answers,but I'm going to be very honest
and forthcoming with you guys asI am going through this.
Like I'm a testament to my storykind of thing.
Right.
Okay.
So now that we've covered thatwe can actually get into this
week's episode.
(04:01):
I want to open the episode bysharing the intersection of
sobriety and dating, includinghow the decision to become sober
can influence one's approach toromantic relationships.
And let me break that down.
So when I was drinking, mychoice of men pitiful, just as
toxic as the substance Not onlywas I, you know, drinking toxic
(04:24):
substances and taking toxicsubstances, I was also choosing
to date very toxic men.
So it's almost relational, likeme getting sober significantly
improved the quality of man thatI was attracting and also
looking for.
Now, that's not to say that likeevery guy that I've dated since
getting sober has been of theutmost quality or been like a
(04:49):
high value man.
I hate to use that verbiage, butI think you know where I'm going
with this.
It's just to say that I havemade better choices and the
types of men that I have beenactively choosing to spend time
with.
I think a big part of that wasnot just removing the substance
or not just getting sober.
(05:10):
It was also getting a little bitmore clear around what I was
actually looking for, So myfirst tip for sober dating is be
honest about your sobriety.
I know some people don't like toopen with I'm sober, right?
Like they don't like to like goout the gates with, Hey, by the
(05:32):
way, my name is Nadine and Idon't drink., but I actually
think that it's best to justkind of address the elephant in
the room.
So I would say be honest aboutyour sober status from the
onset.
I've been running a socialexperiment around when to
disclose your sober status.
And I know how that sounds.
It's something that hasfascinated me.
(05:52):
So should you tell people beforethe date or during the date or
after the date that you don'tdrink.
And it's not that you're, doinga cleanse or a diet or dry
January, whatever it's, I'veadopted this lifestyle and I'm
choosing never to drink again.
Like I'm sober.
When should you let people knowthat?
(06:14):
Cause sometimes we feel veryself conscious.
I think, especially me, someonewho identifies as being an
alcoholic, like, I don't want tolead with that.
I don't want to say like, Hey,my name is Nadine and I'm an
alcoholic.
Please take me out.
That doesn't seem cute however,through tons of intricate data
and lots of research, I'vededuced that the best time to
(06:35):
let someone know that you'resober is before the actual
treatment.
Date This gives the date theopportunity to back out.
And that's important.
You want the person to know upfront if they want to proceed or
continue a relationship withyou.
albeit, it can be deflating tothe ego if someone decides after
(06:56):
that information that they nolonger want to go out with you,
but think about how much timethat you've saved yourself
potentially, like, I wouldrather know upfront that this
person is not interested indating a sober person then to,
get to know this person, meetthem in real time have an
amazing time I think that's lessof a blow to the ego than going
(07:16):
out with them and knowing thatthe reason that they're choosing
not to see you again is becauseyou don't drink.
I just think being honest andopen about your sobriety from
the onset really primes yourdate.
And it sets the tone for opencommunication in the future, if
there is a future and ensuresthat both parties are on the
(07:37):
same page.
So I also have some scenarios.
in place If you're meeting guysor whomever on a dating app, I
have a hate love relationshipwith dating apps, but currently
I have a hinge profile and thereis a feature you can toggle to
where it's visible to others, Doyou drink?
Do you smoke?
Do you do drugs?
(07:58):
Do you smoke marijuana oredibles?
Like, there are different thingsyou can toggle on and off, and
you can even specify thefrequency in which you partake
in those activities.
So, for example, going back toalcohol, it's like, Often never,
sometimes those are thedifferent options that you can
make visible on your profile.
(08:18):
And so That is layer one.
Like that's my base level.
So I make sure that all of thosefeatures are visible for
potential matches.
And then just to be clear,because we know men, like men
are very visual.
Like, I don't think they'relooking at the prompts.
All of the icons, I thinkthey're looking at your photo.
So sometimes just to cover mybases, I will also indicate, in
(08:41):
a prompt.
So you can respond, to thedifferent prompts on hinge or
almost dating apps.
And so I make sure that I find away to also add something around
me not drinking.
I think right now as my currentprofile is, cause I change it
often, but I think right nowit's like, Two troops in the
lie.
(09:01):
And one is like, I love to ski.
And the other one's like, I am adual citizen.
And the third one is like.
I don't drink alcohol and soit's a conversation starter, by
the way, the lie is I love toski., I've never been skiing,
but I, I feel like, actually, Iwould like it, but I've never
been anyway, so that gives theguy the opportunity to guess and
(09:26):
that way I can ensure that heknows what's going on.
In case he didn't read the restof my profile that I don't
drink.
This has backfired though on mebefore I recently had a date, a
hinge date with a guy.
This was a couple months ago,and I thought maybe he had read
my profile.
Because for the date suggestion,he was like, let's go to a
(09:50):
museum.
So we went to a museum.
I was like, great.
He knows what he's getting into.
And then after the museum, he'slike, oh, let's grab drinks.
So I felt a little awkwardbecause I Didn't want to be
like, whoa, whoa, whoa, like wecan't go to a bar I don't drink
because I do go to bars.
Sometimes it's not like myfavorite thing to do But I'm
(10:11):
okay with going to bars in thisstage of my sobriety.
So I was cool with that I waslike, okay, like yeah, like we
just walked to a nearby bar andAnd actually, no, we didn't.
We went to Starbucks Reserve.
we went to Starbucks Reservebecause it was around the corner
from the museum.
There's an actual bar inside ofStarbucks reserve.
(10:31):
And so that was giving more oflike the intimacy.
I think we were both looking forthe aesthetic, dim lighting,
jazz music.
It was just like more grown andsexy vibes and downstairs while
While it's nice.
It's more like cafe style.
So when we got into theStarbucks reserve, we went
upstairs and at the bar is whenI told him that I didn't drink
(10:53):
and he reacted pretty cool aboutit.
He was just like, okay, cool.
Like, what mocktails do you havehere?
So he immediately addressed thebartender and she was actually
kind of like, we don't have anynonalcoholic options.
Here's what she said, exceptfor, like, water and sparkling
water.
I think she said, he was like,that's, that's fine.
Not good enough, basically.
(11:14):
He was like, can you make hersomething?
And she was like, well, we don'treally have anything aside from
this and that.
And so long story short, he madeher create something on the spot
for me.
I can't even remember what itwas, but I really appreciated
him taking that initiative.
I like for men to take the lead.
So when they are figuring outwhere they take me, if a bar is
(11:35):
mentioned, I'm immediatelyletting them know upfront.
I'm not interested in going tothe bar.
I used to be the girl that wascool Oh, I'll go to the bar
because I don't want to seemdifficult and I'm not difficult.
Down the line and with friends,I'm cool with going to the bar,
but that's not like the numberone destination that I want to
(11:55):
go on, especially for Earlydates or a first date.
So if a guy even suggests goingto a bar, I would shut it down.
If I were you from the jump, Iwould just say, Hey, I don't
drink.
So is there anything else we cando?
Throw it back on him.
Right?
Like you're asking me out, youshould figure it out.
And if you suggest somethinglike a bar and I shut it down, I
(12:18):
still feel like you shouldfigure it out from there.
There's so many things to dothat doesn't involve drinking in
2024.
I don't care where you live,like figure something out.
We can.
Freaking go shoot arches.
I don't know like there's somany things like the bar is just
basic and I don't want to gothere And so I'm gonna let you
know up front that's not thespot that I want to start my
(12:38):
first date on.
That's a me thing, but that'sjust an example.
I feel like people should keepin mind if they do want to
disclose up front that theydon't drink and the bar gets
thrown out there.
I would say shut that down.
Shut it down.
You don't want to go to the bar.
Try again.
So I would say it's always wiseto choose sober friendly
activities.
You want to opt for dates thatdon't revolve around alcohol,
(13:02):
And there's just so many thingsthat you can pull from,
especially in 2024, depending onwhere you live, you can go
hiking, you can go on a picnic,especially since spring is here.
You can visit museums, go to aconcert, comedy shows, fitness
class, like the list really doesgo on and on Okay.
(13:22):
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(15:06):
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Let's be moment buddies.
We can both have momentstogether.
You need to be confident inyourself and in your sobriety
own that shit.
Okay.
Don't be meek.
I don't drink.
I don't drink.
Like it's a bad thing.
Like it's shameful thing.
And this kind of goes into likewhy you should disclose up front
(15:28):
that you are sober because Ithink when you are confident in
your sobriety, it sets this tonethat it's a positive aspect of
your life.
It's not a shameful aspect ofyour life.
It is something that anyoneworth dating will respect about
you and support your decision.
It's, Easier said than done,especially, if you're in the
(15:49):
earlier stages of your sobrietyand you were just dipping your
pinky toe into the dating poolor whatever it may be, but
really try and own it, like it'snot this dirty little secret
that you have, no matter whatreason you have for not
drinking.
It is something to be proud of Iused to be so embarrassed, of
letting people know, friendseven, and especially potential
(16:11):
dates, like, I felt like itwould disqualify me.
As a candidate for a guy seeingme.
And now I don't see it that way.
I'm like, okay, if I tell youthat I'm sober and you choose to
not want to date me, that is Godprotecting me.
I'm being shielded from the typeof guy that's not interested in
dating someone who doesn'tdrink.
(16:32):
Like that to me is lame.
And the funny thing is when Iwas in the throes of my
addiction, when I was drinking aton and partying and mainly in
my twenties, right?
I would never have considereddating a guy who didn't drink
because drinking was soimportant to me.
And that's fine.
If drinking is so important toyou that you can't be with
(16:54):
someone who doesn't drink, thencool.
I'm not for you.
You're definitely not for me.
And I'd rather know thatupfront.
I keep going back to this idea.
This is why it's so important tojust tell people, say it with
confidence, say it with yourchest.
I don't drink period.
It's not an ellipsis.
It's not.
I don't drink dot dot dot.
Here's why it's I don't drinkLet them ask questions and you
(17:18):
can decide if you want to answerthose questions It's like
control the conversation babeLike I'm okay with telling
people I don't drink becausedrinking is problematic for me
or I could say something cute, alittle bit more coy, like, Oh,
trust me, you wouldn't like meif I were drinking.
I could say it like that.
but for the most part I justsay, Oh yeah, I don't drink.
(17:38):
And I leave it at that becauseit really does not require an
explanation.
And you can also deduce from theperson that you're with and the
questions, if they ask follow upquestions, the type of questions
they are, if it's even a matchfor you.
So I feel like making sure thatyou are very, confident with
(17:58):
your, Decision to not drink andeven if you aren't confident
like you're still working onthat confidence fake it, honey
Fake it until you make it.
Sometimes you really just haveto work on Delivering and even
practicing that delivery in themirror or with friends until it
sounds like you actually mean itI am a firm believer in faking
(18:19):
it until you make it.
And that's not to say that youare fake and you're not being
real.
It's just like, you're, workinga muscle.
Like you have to do the workbehind the scenes and continue
practicing.
And then you'll get there,you'll get to a place where you
actually believe it and youactually feel it.
Okay.
My third tip for sober dating,focus on the connection.
(18:40):
Okay.
You don't have anything that isaltering your state of
consciousness.
That's getting in the way of youfiguring out if you actually
like this person.
I can tell you how many peopleI've been out with and it's
like, I thought I liked them, Iguess after the second, third,
(19:01):
fourth plus drink.
Yeah, I didn't really like them.
And I often reflect back to dayswhen I used to drink, um, and go
on dates.
And it would be like, I wantedalcohol to be present on every
date because obviously it helpedlower my inhibitions.
And I felt like we were vibing alot more and the conversation
would flow better.
(19:21):
And I was obviously nervousbecause Dating can be nerve
wracking.
And I thought that I needed thesocial lubricant to loosen up
and then sometimes quite, quiteliterally loosen up.
In general, it just made me moreinto the person or so I thought.
And now I recognize that if thedate is awkward, I would want to
(19:43):
know right then and there in themoment.
I mentioned clarity before, andit's because when you're sober,
obviously, like, I know what'sgoing on.
Like, I have my wherewithal, I'mvery clear about picking up on
some social cues, and soberdating in general, is an
opportunity to connect on adeeper level with your date, so
(20:04):
you can really engage inmeaningful conversation.
I ask questions, and I actuallylisten attentively to their
response.
I am Paying attention, whether Ilike it or not, if they're
drinking on the date, because Ihappen on dates where guys
drink, and I'm like, okay, well,how many drinks is he having?
All right.
No, we did.
(20:24):
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(21:52):
As I enter this new era of soberdating, I am looking forward to
making those deep connectionsand I'm still figuring out what
I'm actually looking for.
I constantly oscillate between,okay, do I want to be in a
relationship I do, but like,when do I actually want to be in
a relationship right now?
(22:13):
and does it matter if the persondrinks or not?
I'm more so leaning on.
It doesn't matter.
So long as they have healthiercoping mechanisms and can
responsibly drink, even though Ihave very, Mixed feelings around
like what that really looks likeand if that is even attainable.
I am opening myself up topartnering and I want to date.
(22:37):
And dating is difficult, butsober dating makes everything
better because I just have alower tolerance for bullshit, a
better detector when it comes tononsense and like what I'm
willing to deal with.
And I just believe in.
My higher power guiding me andkeeping certain men at bay who
(22:59):
don't deserve to be in my life,removing the toxic substance.
Once again, removed a lot oftoxic men.
It wasn't just, drinking thatwas bad for my body and for my
peace of mind, it was alsochoosing a date guys who I
otherwise would not have beenwith.
Okay, thank you guys so much fortuning in to this week's
(23:21):
episode.
New episodes drop every singleWednesday.
Please do me a favor.
If you are not subscribed to thepodcast or to my YouTube
channel, if you have not left areview for this podcast, please
do so it takes like less than aminute and it really helps the
show grow.
Thank you guys for tuning in andI'll see you next week.
(23:42):
Bye.
Hello, hello, and welcome to theSober Butterfly Podcast, where
we embrace living our very bestlives without alcohol.
My name is Nadine Mulvina.
And in this week's solo episode,we are talking all about how to
navigate the dating scene as asober girly.
I've been wanting to do thisepisode for a while.
(00:24):
So if you've been following meor if you've been listening to
the show for a while, you mayknow that I was in a
relationship for about sixmonths in 2023.
And then prior to me being inthat relationship, I had taken
Over a year off from dating.
Like I was in a no date zone pertherapist order.
(00:47):
It's a whole thing.
Long story short, in that periodof not dating, I also was
celibate.
Makes sense.
Right?
I released an episode back inJanuary of 2023 called Sobriety,
celibacy, and staying single.
And it was actually one of themost listened to episodes of
(01:08):
this podcast.
You guys really liked it.
I got some great feedback.
and then shortly after shootingthat episode, I had clearance
from my therapist to kind of getback out there and start dating
again.
And within, I would say likethree months of me redownloading
the apps and going on a fewdates, I met my then boyfriend,
(01:28):
current ex.
So it was a short lived datingphase, between me putting myself
back out there and then enteringa full relationship again, where
basically I lived with him andeven though the relationship was
over and only lasted for sixmonths, it was pretty serious.
After we broke up late Novemberof 2023.
(01:49):
I took some time off and Iwanted to do some reflection and
really figure out, okay, whathappened in that relationship,
we parted amicably, but I alsoneeded time to sort of breathe
and ruminate and some of thechoices that I made in that
relationship so that I don'tcarry, you know, the excess
baggage into my nextrelationship or a situation
(02:12):
ship.
So I took some time off, but.
I am back, baby.
Like I'm looking to put myselfback out there.
And so as a sober girl, there'salways going to be a little bit
more nuance and add a layer ofcomplexity that needs to be
considered when you are dating.
(02:32):
It is hard enough.
I think dating in 2024,especially in Your thirties,
like I'm 33.
I just turned 33.
So I'm like, I have so manythings to consider, which we
will get into.
However, the added layer is, Iwant to be with someone who
respects my sobriety and also.
(02:54):
Has a healthy relationship withsubstances I don't know entirely
what that looks like, but asmuch as that could look like, I
want to be clear with you guysthis is not quite a how to
guide, even though the episodetitle is how to sober date.
I am just sharing some of mypersonal stories and anecdotes
and the things that I'm doingright now to navigate the dating
(03:18):
scene as a newish single soberso don't necessarily take
everything I say as Bible.
Like you don't have to followwhat I'm doing.
I'm just sharing some of myexperiences and what's working
for me currently.
Keep in mind.
Boyfriend.
(03:39):
I'm not a super dating coach.
I don't have all the answers,but I'm going to be very honest
and forthcoming with you guys asI am going through this.
Like I'm a testament to my storykind of thing.
Right.
Okay.
So now that we've covered thatwe can actually get into this
week's episode.
(04:01):
I want to open the episode bysharing the intersection of
sobriety and dating, includinghow the decision to become sober
can influence one's approach toromantic relationships.
And let me break that down.
So when I was drinking, mychoice of men pitiful, just as
toxic as the substance Not onlywas I, you know, drinking toxic
(04:24):
substances and taking toxicsubstances, I was also choosing
to date very toxic men.
So it's almost relational, likeme getting sober significantly
improved the quality of man thatI was attracting and also
looking for.
Now, that's not to say that likeevery guy that I've dated since
getting sober has been of theutmost quality or been like a
(04:49):
high value man.
I hate to use that verbiage, butI think you know where I'm going
with this.
It's just to say that I havemade better choices and the
types of men that I have beenactively choosing to spend time
with.
I think a big part of that wasnot just removing the substance
or not just getting sober.
(05:10):
It was also getting a little bitmore clear around what I was
actually looking for, So myfirst tip for sober dating is be
honest about your sobriety.
I know some people don't like toopen with I'm sober, right?
Like they don't like to like goout the gates with, Hey, by the
(05:32):
way, my name is Nadine and Idon't drink., but I actually
think that it's best to justkind of address the elephant in
the room.
So I would say be honest aboutyour sober status from the
onset.
I've been running a socialexperiment around when to
disclose your sober status.
And I know how that sounds.
It's something that hasfascinated me.
(05:52):
So should you tell people beforethe date or during the date or
after the date that you don'tdrink.
And it's not that you're, doinga cleanse or a diet or dry
January, whatever it's, I'veadopted this lifestyle and I'm
choosing never to drink again.
Like I'm sober.
When should you let people knowthat?
(06:14):
Cause sometimes we feel veryself conscious.
I think, especially me, someonewho identifies as being an
alcoholic, like, I don't want tolead with that.
I don't want to say like, Hey,my name is Nadine and I'm an
alcoholic.
Please take me out.
That doesn't seem cute however,through tons of intricate data
and lots of research, I'vededuced that the best time to
(06:35):
let someone know that you'resober is before the actual
treatment.
Date This gives the date theopportunity to back out.
And that's important.
You want the person to know upfront if they want to proceed or
continue a relationship withyou.
albeit, it can be deflating tothe ego if someone decides after
(06:56):
that information that they nolonger want to go out with you,
but think about how much timethat you've saved yourself
potentially, like, I wouldrather know upfront that this
person is not interested indating a sober person then to,
get to know this person, meetthem in real time have an
amazing time I think that's lessof a blow to the ego than going
(07:16):
out with them and knowing thatthe reason that they're choosing
not to see you again is becauseyou don't drink.
I just think being honest andopen about your sobriety from
the onset really primes yourdate.
And it sets the tone for opencommunication in the future, if
there is a future and ensuresthat both parties are on the
(07:37):
same page.
So I also have some scenarios.
in place If you're meeting guysor whomever on a dating app, I
have a hate love relationshipwith dating apps, but currently
I have a hinge profile and thereis a feature you can toggle to
where it's visible to others, Doyou drink?
Do you smoke?
Do you do drugs?
(07:58):
Do you smoke marijuana oredibles?
Like, there are different thingsyou can toggle on and off, and
you can even specify thefrequency in which you partake
in those activities.
So, for example, going back toalcohol, it's like, Often never,
sometimes those are thedifferent options that you can
make visible on your profile.
(08:18):
And so That is layer one.
Like that's my base level.
So I make sure that all of thosefeatures are visible for
potential matches.
And then just to be clear,because we know men, like men
are very visual.
Like, I don't think they'relooking at the prompts.
All of the icons, I thinkthey're looking at your photo.
So sometimes just to cover mybases, I will also indicate, in
(08:41):
a prompt.
So you can respond, to thedifferent prompts on hinge or
almost dating apps.
And so I make sure that I find away to also add something around
me not drinking.
I think right now as my currentprofile is, cause I change it
often, but I think right nowit's like, Two troops in the
lie.
(09:01):
And one is like, I love to ski.
And the other one's like, I am adual citizen.
And the third one is like.
I don't drink alcohol and soit's a conversation starter, by
the way, the lie is I love toski., I've never been skiing,
but I, I feel like, actually, Iwould like it, but I've never
been anyway, so that gives theguy the opportunity to guess and
(09:26):
that way I can ensure that heknows what's going on.
In case he didn't read the restof my profile that I don't
drink.
This has backfired though on mebefore I recently had a date, a
hinge date with a guy.
This was a couple months ago,and I thought maybe he had read
my profile.
Because for the date suggestion,he was like, let's go to a
(09:50):
museum.
So we went to a museum.
I was like, great.
He knows what he's getting into.
And then after the museum, he'slike, oh, let's grab drinks.
So I felt a little awkwardbecause I Didn't want to be
like, whoa, whoa, whoa, like wecan't go to a bar I don't drink
because I do go to bars.
Sometimes it's not like myfavorite thing to do But I'm
(10:11):
okay with going to bars in thisstage of my sobriety.
So I was cool with that I waslike, okay, like yeah, like we
just walked to a nearby bar andAnd actually, no, we didn't.
We went to Starbucks Reserve.
we went to Starbucks Reservebecause it was around the corner
from the museum.
There's an actual bar inside ofStarbucks reserve.
(10:31):
And so that was giving more oflike the intimacy.
I think we were both looking forthe aesthetic, dim lighting,
jazz music.
It was just like more grown andsexy vibes and downstairs while
While it's nice.
It's more like cafe style.
So when we got into theStarbucks reserve, we went
upstairs and at the bar is whenI told him that I didn't drink
(10:53):
and he reacted pretty cool aboutit.
He was just like, okay, cool.
Like, what mocktails do you havehere?
So he immediately addressed thebartender and she was actually
kind of like, we don't have anynonalcoholic options.
Here's what she said, exceptfor, like, water and sparkling
water.
I think she said, he was like,that's, that's fine.
Not good enough, basically.
(11:14):
He was like, can you make hersomething?
And she was like, well, we don'treally have anything aside from
this and that.
And so long story short, he madeher create something on the spot
for me.
I can't even remember what itwas, but I really appreciated
him taking that initiative.
I like for men to take the lead.
So when they are figuring outwhere they take me, if a bar is
(11:35):
mentioned, I'm immediatelyletting them know upfront.
I'm not interested in going tothe bar.
I used to be the girl that wascool Oh, I'll go to the bar
because I don't want to seemdifficult and I'm not difficult.
Down the line and with friends,I'm cool with going to the bar,
but that's not like the numberone destination that I want to
(11:55):
go on, especially for Earlydates or a first date.
So if a guy even suggests goingto a bar, I would shut it down.
If I were you from the jump, Iwould just say, Hey, I don't
drink.
So is there anything else we cando?
Throw it back on him.
Right?
Like you're asking me out, youshould figure it out.
And if you suggest somethinglike a bar and I shut it down, I
(12:18):
still feel like you shouldfigure it out from there.
There's so many things to dothat doesn't involve drinking in
2024.
I don't care where you live,like figure something out.
We can.
Freaking go shoot arches.
I don't know like there's somany things like the bar is just
basic and I don't want to gothere And so I'm gonna let you
know up front that's not thespot that I want to start my
(12:38):
first date on.
That's a me thing, but that'sjust an example.
I feel like people should keepin mind if they do want to
disclose up front that theydon't drink and the bar gets
thrown out there.
I would say shut that down.
Shut it down.
You don't want to go to the bar.
Try again.
So I would say it's always wiseto choose sober friendly
activities.
You want to opt for dates thatdon't revolve around alcohol,
(13:02):
And there's just so many thingsthat you can pull from,
especially in 2024, depending onwhere you live, you can go
hiking, you can go on a picnic,especially since spring is here.
You can visit museums, go to aconcert, comedy shows, fitness
class, like the list really doesgo on and on Okay.
(13:22):
My second tip, and this is animportant one.
Okay.
And now a quick word from ourpartners.
It really feels like you'rehaving a moment, pun intended,
when you're sipping on thelovely and refreshing moment.
Now what I love about moment isthat not only does it taste
delicious, I have my favoriteflavors.
I love the blood orange.
(13:44):
I love the spicy mango, but it'salso good for you, which is
exactly what I need in my liferight now as I'm in my early
20s.
It's infused with L theaninewhich is great for mental
clarity.
It also is packed withashwagandha which is great for
helping to fight stress.
It's made with all these naturalbotanicals which really enhances
(14:04):
your vitality.
It does not contain any addedsugar.
It's caffeine and of coursealcohol free and you can
purchase it in still orsparkling.
I love a good sparkle moment sothat's typically the route I
take.
In the morning it's great for aboost to start the day versus in
the afternoon if you want tobeat that afternoon slump and
(14:25):
enhance your mental clarity.
Or if you just need like asimple pick me up, like for me,
I love to have a moment afterthe gym versus going into the
gym because it just really helpsre energize me.
And then in the evening, if youwant to wind down after a long,
busy day and enjoy a deliciousmocktail without the hangover,
then Moment is great for thattoo.
(14:45):
One of the best parts for mewith Moment is I feel like it's
a really conscientious brand.
They donate 1 percent of alltheir sales to mental health non
profits.
So you can feel good aboutsupporting greater causes as
well.
Head over to drinkmoment.
com and use my code TSB23 toreceive 12 percent off your very
(15:06):
first order.
Let's be moment buddies.
We can both have momentstogether.
You need to be confident inyourself and in your sobriety
own that shit.
Okay.
Don't be meek.
I don't drink.
I don't drink.
Like it's a bad thing.
Like it's shameful thing.
And this kind of goes into likewhy you should disclose up front
(15:28):
that you are sober because Ithink when you are confident in
your sobriety, it sets this tonethat it's a positive aspect of
your life.
It's not a shameful aspect ofyour life.
It is something that anyoneworth dating will respect about
you and support your decision.
It's, Easier said than done,especially, if you're in the
(15:49):
earlier stages of your sobrietyand you were just dipping your
pinky toe into the dating poolor whatever it may be, but
really try and own it, like it'snot this dirty little secret
that you have, no matter whatreason you have for not
drinking.
It is something to be proud of Iused to be so embarrassed, of
letting people know, friendseven, and especially potential
(16:11):
dates, like, I felt like itwould disqualify me.
As a candidate for a guy seeingme.
And now I don't see it that way.
I'm like, okay, if I tell youthat I'm sober and you choose to
not want to date me, that is Godprotecting me.
I'm being shielded from the typeof guy that's not interested in
dating someone who doesn'tdrink.
(16:32):
Like that to me is lame.
And the funny thing is when Iwas in the throes of my
addiction, when I was drinking aton and partying and mainly in
my twenties, right?
I would never have considereddating a guy who didn't drink
because drinking was soimportant to me.
And that's fine.
If drinking is so important toyou that you can't be with
(16:54):
someone who doesn't drink, thencool.
I'm not for you.
You're definitely not for me.
And I'd rather know thatupfront.
I keep going back to this idea.
This is why it's so important tojust tell people, say it with
confidence, say it with yourchest.
I don't drink period.
It's not an ellipsis.
It's not.
I don't drink dot dot dot.
Here's why it's I don't drinkLet them ask questions and you
(17:18):
can decide if you want to answerthose questions It's like
control the conversation babeLike I'm okay with telling
people I don't drink becausedrinking is problematic for me
or I could say something cute, alittle bit more coy, like, Oh,
trust me, you wouldn't like meif I were drinking.
I could say it like that.
but for the most part I justsay, Oh yeah, I don't drink.
(17:38):
And I leave it at that becauseit really does not require an
explanation.
And you can also deduce from theperson that you're with and the
questions, if they ask follow upquestions, the type of questions
they are, if it's even a matchfor you.
So I feel like making sure thatyou are very, confident with
(17:58):
your, Decision to not drink andeven if you aren't confident
like you're still working onthat confidence fake it, honey
Fake it until you make it.
Sometimes you really just haveto work on Delivering and even
practicing that delivery in themirror or with friends until it
sounds like you actually mean itI am a firm believer in faking
(18:19):
it until you make it.
And that's not to say that youare fake and you're not being
real.
It's just like, you're, workinga muscle.
Like you have to do the workbehind the scenes and continue
practicing.
And then you'll get there,you'll get to a place where you
actually believe it and youactually feel it.
Okay.
My third tip for sober dating,focus on the connection.
(18:40):
Okay.
You don't have anything that isaltering your state of
consciousness.
That's getting in the way of youfiguring out if you actually
like this person.
I can tell you how many peopleI've been out with and it's
like, I thought I liked them, Iguess after the second, third,
(19:01):
fourth plus drink.
Yeah, I didn't really like them.
And I often reflect back to dayswhen I used to drink, um, and go
on dates.
And it would be like, I wantedalcohol to be present on every
date because obviously it helpedlower my inhibitions.
And I felt like we were vibing alot more and the conversation
would flow better.
(19:21):
And I was obviously nervousbecause Dating can be nerve
wracking.
And I thought that I needed thesocial lubricant to loosen up
and then sometimes quite, quiteliterally loosen up.
In general, it just made me moreinto the person or so I thought.
And now I recognize that if thedate is awkward, I would want to
(19:43):
know right then and there in themoment.
I mentioned clarity before, andit's because when you're sober,
obviously, like, I know what'sgoing on.
Like, I have my wherewithal, I'mvery clear about picking up on
some social cues, and soberdating in general, is an
opportunity to connect on adeeper level with your date, so
(20:04):
you can really engage inmeaningful conversation.
I ask questions, and I actuallylisten attentively to their
response.
I am Paying attention, whether Ilike it or not, if they're
drinking on the date, because Ihappen on dates where guys
drink, and I'm like, okay, well,how many drinks is he having?
All right.
No, we did.
(20:24):
And now a quick word from ourpartners.
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Maybe that's during your dailycommute or even while working
out.
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(20:47):
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mystery to romance to self helpand business Audible has
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Check the show notes below andvisit audible.
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(21:52):
As I enter this new era of soberdating, I am looking forward to
making those deep connectionsand I'm still figuring out what
I'm actually looking for.
I constantly oscillate between,okay, do I want to be in a
relationship I do, but like,when do I actually want to be in
a relationship right now?
(22:13):
and does it matter if the persondrinks or not?
I'm more so leaning on.
It doesn't matter.
So long as they have healthiercoping mechanisms and can
responsibly drink, even though Ihave very, Mixed feelings around
like what that really looks likeand if that is even attainable.
I am opening myself up topartnering and I want to date.
(22:37):
And dating is difficult, butsober dating makes everything
better because I just have alower tolerance for bullshit, a
better detector when it comes tononsense and like what I'm
willing to deal with.
And I just believe in.
My higher power guiding me andkeeping certain men at bay who
(22:59):
don't deserve to be in my life,removing the toxic substance.
Once again, removed a lot oftoxic men.
It wasn't just, drinking thatwas bad for my body and for my
peace of mind, it was alsochoosing a date guys who I
otherwise would not have beenwith.
Okay, thank you guys so much fortuning in to this week's
(23:21):
episode.
New episodes drop every singleWednesday.
Please do me a favor.
If you are not subscribed to thepodcast or to my YouTube
channel, if you have not left areview for this podcast, please
do so it takes like less than aminute and it really helps the
show grow.
Thank you guys for tuning in andI'll see you next week.
(23:42):
Bye.
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