July 5, 2024 • 56 mins
In this week’s episode, Nadine reflects on why she got sober, offers tips for getting and maintaining sobriety, and why getting sober was the BEST decision of her life. After three years of being alcohol-free, Nadine shares wisdom she’s acquired along the way.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
the-sober-butterfly_2_07 (00:02):
Hello, hello, hello! Welcome to The
Sober Butterfly.
I'm your host, Nadine Molvina.
And today I'm very happy toreport that It is my
soberversary.
I have been sober for threeofficial years three years ago I
decided that I no longer wantedto drink alcohol.
Not even that I no longerwanted, even the wanting and
(00:24):
willingness are very important.
It was more so I could not, likeI knew that my life was
unmanageable.
I knew that my life was chaoticand I knew I wanted better for
myself.
So three years ago, So I gotsober and this is a little bit
about my story.
I'll be sharing some tips andbenefits as to why getting sober
(00:46):
has been the greatest lifechoice I've ever made.
Let's get into it.
People often ask me, Nadine, areyou an alcoholic?
Because when you tell people youdon't drink, immediately, they
assume that you have a problem.
Right?
You're the problem.
Not alcohol.
You're the problem.
Therefore, you can no longerdrink because you're an
(01:07):
alcoholic.
And I hate the framing of thatbecause it positions the person
who really is the victim, as theperpetrator.
I would rather tell myself thatI have a problem with alcohol,
admit that to myself, thandelude myself into believing
that I could be a normal drinkerbecause I've never been a normal
(01:30):
drinker.
So I believe that alcohol.
use disorder is a spectrum.
I believe that because sciencetells us that it is a spectrum,
meaning it's very easy to selfdiagnose where you are, which is
great because, you have to dothe deep reflection and the
introspection to know and behonest with yourself about where
you fall on that alcohol usespectrum.
(01:50):
However, it's also really easyto tell yourself maybe that you
don't have a problem when infact you do.
So at various points in my lifefrom 13 to like 30, my addiction
manifested in different ways.
My first sip of alcohol was atage 13.
I was at a college party with mycousin and my first sip of
(02:11):
alcohol turned out to be myfirst blackout, which turned out
to be my first hangover, whichturned out to be my first moment
of shame.
And then what would catapultinto years of drinking in excess
and lying to myself and othersabout my alcohol use and how
(02:33):
problematic it really was in mylife because sometimes when
you're going through it, youdon't realize how many things
are pointing to this idea thatyou have a problem with a
substance, because it's reallyeasy to delude yourself into
believing that you It's fine.
You got it.
You have it under control.
(02:53):
Society is also messaging thisidea that there's nothing wrong
with alcohol.
If there's something wrong withanything or anyone, it's you.
It's not the alcohol.
Like, we defend alcohol.
Ooh, we are the best defendants.
We will go to great lengths toprotect alcohol.
But like, by design.
Alcohol is intended for you todrink more and more and more of
(03:15):
it.
You develop a higher toleranceand next thing you know, you're
like me, a daily drinker.
Now, college is where thingsreally started to get.
Messy, binge drinking culture,very collegiate type of
activities, like tailgating andfrat parties.
(03:35):
It was a perfect concoction forsomeone like me who wanted to
very much reinvent themselves.
And reinvent myself, I did.
I very much quickly fell fastfriends with a group of girls
who were popular and pretty andalso party girls.
I was very insecure in my life.
I was overweight Drinkingcertainly didn't help but I was
(03:56):
overweight and all of my friendswere beautiful like truly
Conventionally beautiful andthat's not to say that because I
was 50 pounds heavier I wasn'tbeautiful, but I didn't feel
beautiful is the point.
I'm trying to make and so Iwanted to be the fat, funny
friend.
That was my self imposed role inthe group.
And so the way in which I didthat, fulfilled this role was by
drinking I couldn't tap intothis eccentricity without
(04:19):
alcohol and so I would be theperson that drank so much, I
honestly don't know how I wasable to drink in those great
quantities and still survive totell the tale that I'm telling
today.
And this was pretty much my maingig until my dad died.
So in sophomore year of college,my father was murdered and so of
course that came as a shock tome.
(04:41):
And there was a huge shift, ahuge life shift for me and
alcohol at this point in time.
So before I was like.
You know, the girl that was justfunny drunk, of course, putting
myself in very dangeroussituations, but for the most
part, it was all laughs.
It was always like, Oh my God,Nadine is just so crazy.
We're talking bars and fake IDsand tailgates and hooking up
(05:02):
with guys and just being silly.
And then when my dad died, Inaturally became extremely
depressed and I used alcohol asa means to cope.
I would get belligerently drunkand angry and lash out at people
that I loved or, you know,didn't even know.
I lost 50 plus pounds in a veryshort amount of time because I
(05:28):
started to starve myself.
And I just was really lost.
And I also started to drink onmy own, which I'd never really
done before.
I started to drink alone becauseI didn't want to feel.
And Thankfully, I got myself outof that situation with time, and
(05:51):
support, but really with time.
And when I graduated college, Ihad both dualities that existed
within me.
So, fun party girl, but also inthe background of my life
drinking excessively because Istill was grieving if I'm being
honest.
I think I was still grieving andso then fast forward once again
(06:12):
alcohol use disorder is aspectrum.
I moved to New York aftercollege I got a job as a teacher
I had a really, really toughfirst few years in the
classroom, and I used alcohol todeal with that.
As a young professional in NewYork, I very much fit the
archetype of the type of youngprofessional who works really
(06:33):
hard, but also plays reallyhard.
And so I thought that wastotally normal because I was
surrounded with people who alsoidentified with similar patterns
of drinking that I did.
I discovered wine, and like thesophistication of wine, like I
became a little wino, eventhough I was on a very measly
teacher salary, I would spend abig bulk of that buying wine and
(06:54):
at first it was like, Oh, I'minto it because I want to learn
how How to be sort of like asommelier connoisseur.
Um, but the reality is I justwanted to feel a buzz after work
and, you know, drinking winesounds better than drinking a
handle of Tito's tequila.
Um, so I used to drink a lot ofwine.
(07:15):
And at the time, actually, thoseearly New York years, I lived
with a girl who was sober, funnyenough, and I did not like her.
I did not like her.
actually, I loved her.
You know, when you love someone,but you don't like them?
Like, that's sort of like whatour relationship was or became.
Her and I would like partytogether sometimes, less in the
(07:36):
later years of us livingtogether.
But in early moments of us beingroommates, we certainly used to
have a good time together and goout.
And she would always hold thisposition of like, I'm not
judging you, but she was, shewas definitely judging me.
And like, probably for goodreason, come to think of it.
So I would drink.
my normal ways of drinking andshe would find that extremely
(07:58):
problematic, but I was all like,you don't drink and you never
have.
And both of her parents were inrecovery.
So I was like, you were probablyprojecting your feelings towards
your parents on me.
And that's not cool.
And I even recall at one pointin our union or living together,
she tried to have like a miniintervention with me.
(08:18):
And I was not.
Having it.
I was like not I you're notdoing this with me.
It was very, passive aggressive,but also aggressive.
So she was in the kitchen, goingthrough the recycling or
something like that.
And the way our apartment was,like, the kitchen was, like,
around a little bend.
And so I could hear what wasgoing on in the kitchen, but, I
(08:39):
couldn't see.
But I could hear her sortingthrough the recycling and, like,
angrily clanking bottlestogether.
And then she was just, like,Making sounds.
She's like, oh, oh, like, likejust so dramatic.
And then I was sitting in theliving room With a glass of wine
actually and she came around andshe's like, hey girl, and she
(09:01):
would always say hey girl I wasjust like, oh my god, like what
is going on?
She's like, hey girl Like I wasjust doing the recycling and I'm
noticing this is a lot of wineIs this all from this week?
I'm not gonna say her name, butlet's call her Sarah.
I'm like, no, Sarah, I had somebottles in my room.
(09:21):
I just took it out.
I lied.
Like, it was from that week.
And I felt very offended thatshe even would call me out on
that.
I actually kind of blacked outthe remainder of that
conversation, I'm pretty sureshe told me that she had noticed
that my drinking had escalatedand I was drinking a lot or
whatever.
And I was just kind of like,thanks for your concern, but
mind your business.
I didn't say that quiteliterally, but that was the
(09:43):
essence of the conversation.
So my mid to late twenties, Iwasn't partying so much because
I was in a relationship withsomeone, but I was definitely
drinking daily.
We were still very much immersedin not like a party crowd, but
very much a crowd that weredrinkers.
That plus I smoked so much weed.
Oh my God.
My twenties pretty much, Ididn't mention this before.
(10:05):
I was in a fog.
Like it was just a cloud ofsmoke, essentially.
I smoked every day too.
So I was drinking, I wassmoking, um, tobacco and
marijuana at this time in mylife.
And then he and I broke up and Iwent on this hot girl summer
that lasted many, many moons,many summers.
And it turned into a situationwhere I started to drink more
(10:26):
and experiment with drugs andparty party party party hard so
now I'm like mid to late 20s andand Monday through Thursday
drinking wine daily, smokingweed probably daily, and then
Friday through Sunday, drinkinghard, doing drugs, um, and Yeah,
(10:47):
just, you're a garden varietyaddict that doesn't think they
have a problem.
I thought it was so normalbecause New York culture,
everyone's, you know, in thebathroom doing coke.
This is just literally what Itell myself.
I just felt very much normalizedin the circle that I kept at the
time and then with the pandemicthings really popped off, I'll
(11:11):
say.
My drinking did not slow down,it escalated.
I went to Florida, I partiedhardy, I found myself trekking
across Americas, like Mexico andthe U S and I, um, landed mainly
in Mexico city.
I partied like I was in collegeagain, like binge drinking going
(11:34):
out three four times a weekDoing drugs just really living a
fast paced lifestyle andeverything came to a culmination
when I Was ready to leave Mexicobut basically I was in a
situation where I I had thecraziest, one of the craziest
(11:55):
nights of my life, and I didn'tlike who I was.
It was an out of body experiencewhere I was seeing myself do
these things that I didn't wantto be doing and yet, I could not
stop myself from doing them.
And that was it.
Is kind of like addiction,right?
I think so many people are like,well, why don't you just stop?
(12:17):
Why don't you just stopdrinking?
Why don't you just stop usingand it's like if I could I would
right like you think people wantto ruin their lives?
It was a moment that was veryneeded for me.
And I want to say that that wasthe last time I ever drank or
did drugs, but it wasn't.
Um, but it was definitely thefirst time that I thought to
(12:38):
myself, Hey, this is not goingto end well.
This may not end well for you ifyou continue on this path.
So going back to that question,am I an alcoholic?
Yes.
Long answer short, yes.
I'm an alcoholic because Icannot just have one drink.
I've never been able to havejust one drink and, caveat,
(13:00):
asterisk, and be satisfied.
I've never been able to justhave one and be like, yes, I'm
good.
This is great.
Everything's great.
Everything's great.
Right, right, right.
No, like I could do it because Iwanted to prove something to
myself or maybe prove somethingto others, but I've never been
happy with a drink.
So yeah.
(13:20):
I'm an alcoholic and I'm okaywith that.
People sometimes ask me this Ifyou could would you like
implying if you could have adrink and just be a normie or a
normal drinker Would you want toand the answer is no it just
doesn't make sense.
If you could come up with acompelling argument for me as to
why having a drink or twobenefit my life in any way, then
(13:43):
I would be open to having adiscussion, maybe rethinking why
I hate alcohol.
But until that day comes, untilsomeone can really present a
compelling case as to whyalcohol is actually good for
you, it just makes no sense.
Okay, so now that you've heard alittle bit about my personal
journey So, um, let me tell youa little bit about my journey to
sobriety.
Let me tell you about actuallygetting sober and what that
(14:07):
looked like for me.
I got sober July 5th, 2021 andbest decision I've ever made in
my life, which I'll get into alittle bit later, but me getting
sober July 5th, means that July4th, 2021 was my last sip of
alcohol.
That moment I do remember.
I remember once again beingtired.
(14:29):
before that 4th of July weekend,I had about a month of sobriety
under my belt, which I feltreally proud of because prior to
that, I had tried through theaid of my therapist, I had tried
to moderate alcohol and like themental gymnastics of what video.
Encompassed was not worth it.
Like me trying to moderatealcohol was exhausting It was
(14:51):
like more tiring than me justbeing like, you know what?
let me just take a breakaltogether I would go out set a
limit for myself.
So like say two drinks per nightand some nights I could do it
but I was never happy I wasnever satisfied and then some
nights I couldn't do it and thenI would just walk away feeling
so ashamed and like damn Imessed up.
I can't do this Like there'ssomething wrong with me and I
(15:13):
didn't like feeling like therewas something wrong with me
moderating wasn't working forme, so I decided to take a break
from alcohol.
And it is important to note herethat I was not looking to become
sober.
Like, I wasn't trying to becomea sober person.
I was just looking to reset.
I wanted to see how I felt fromtaking a break, and I didn't
(15:33):
even have a Timeline in my mind.
I think I was just sort of like,let me see how I feel.
I'll keep checking in with mytherapist so July 4th now 2021.
I felt like crap because I hadRelapsed I'll say even though it
didn't feel like a relapsebecause once again like I was
treating sobriety as a socialexperiment So I wasn't like, oh
(15:55):
my god, I relapsed I was sort oflike damn I drink and I said I
wouldn't drink and so why is itthat I can't?
Do what I say I'm going to do.
That's when I realized that IMay need some more support that
I may need to take this a littlebit more seriously But prior to
(16:15):
that moment, I was just whiteknuckling the entire experience
I wasn't really looking at theroot causes of what may have
been driving me to drink.
I wasn't looking at outsidesupport, aside from my
therapist, I personally didn'tknow anyone in my life who was
sober.
The roommate I had years ago,her and I weren't friends
(16:36):
anymore.
I didn't have anyone in my lifethat could lead or show me, by
example, sobriety could looklike.
And certainly, Look like interms of fun, I decided when I
came back to New York, I wouldreally try this time.
Like, I would really, reallytry.
And for me, really, reallytrying looked like telling
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people.
And so this is my first tip orrecommendation for anyone who's
maybe seeking to get sober ortake a break from alcohol.
I think that you have to tellpeople.
You have to tell people becausetelling people helps hold.
You're self accountable, and italso helps hold them
accountable.
Because if I'm telling you, I'mworking on this area of my life,
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like imagine let's take alcoholout of the equation.
Imagine you're telling your bestfriend or your partner that you
are on a diet.
You were looking to lose 10pounds and Therefore You're on a
strict keto diet whatever thatmeans.
I don't know I don't do keto butthe point I'm trying to make is
you tell people that you're on adiet Please don't offer me junk
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food.
Please don't offer me cookiesand cakes and whatever sugar
because I'm trying to stay thisstraight and narrow.
And if people do offer me, ortry and tempt you with like,
Hey, I baked this, whatever foryou.
you're going to look at themsideways.
You're going to be like, um, whyare you offering this to me?
(18:06):
And I told you quite clearlythat I was not interested
basically helps you.
Set them up for success.
I try to set other people up forsuccess not failure so if you're
holding on to the secret thatyou're on a diet and no one
knows and they're offering youjunk food and you're Just like
secretly internalizing that andtaking it so personally.
(18:26):
You're like, why does no oneunderstand me?
I'm like, how could they do thisto me?
It's like well, baby.
You didn't tell them you're on adiet So like what do you expect?
They're gonna ask you if youwant to go to McDonald's because
you didn't communicate so youhave to communicate to other
people That you are seriouslyTaking a break from alcohol.
You don't have to go into thereasons now.
You don't have to like explainyourself You don't have to say I
(18:46):
think I have a problem withalcohol.
You don't have to say I'mdetoxing You just have to tell
people like hey, I'm notdrinking So, please don't like
invite me to drink or bring mealcohol because like people
literally have bought me alcoholbefore So it's like you can't
expect people to help you Or bethere for you if you don't tell
(19:10):
them what you need from them.
And in terms of holding yourselfaccountable, it's like, if I
tell you I'm on a diet, if Itell you I'm not drinking, and
then I'm like, hey, do you wantto go to the bar?
Do you want to go to CheesecakeFactory?
You're clearly not aligned, likeyou're saying one thing, but
your actions are leading you ina different path, And so you
(19:32):
have to make sure that the twomatch.
And it's just nice when you havethat accountability from both
sides.
Like I'm going to hold myselfaccountable.
And I'm also telling people thatI trust and love to hold me
accountable as well.
So my first tip is just tellpeople, like, don't worry so
much about what they're going tothink about you and just let
them know what it is that youneed from them.
(19:52):
All right.
My second tip, and This issomething that I really came to
understand in early sobriety,make sure that you have a set
routine.
This is important.
You guys, seriously, you have tohave a routine.
You have to find ways toReinvent yourself.
I already kind of talked aboutthis, like saying one thing but
doing another thing is fornaught.
(20:15):
You need to make sure that yourlifestyle aligns with your
sobriety.
what that looks like.
In AA, there's lots of greatterminology.
AA meaning Alcoholics Anonymous.
And I'm not telling you that youneed AA or that you should go to
AA.
I'm just saying, like, there'slots of gems of wisdom that I
constantly refer to becausethey're just true for many
(20:37):
aspects of life, not justrecovery or sobriety.
So there's this term or thissaying, which is people places
things.
Okay, people, places, thingsliterally is just that., I'm
going to add routines as well.
You have to be aware of whoyou're spending your time with,
people, where you're spendingyour time with them, places, or
(20:58):
like where you associate certainmemories of drinking not just
like in terms of people you weredrinking with, but like
literally places as they stand.
And then also things, thingsthat may be triggering to you
that will make you want todrink.
You have to be super mindful inthe early days of your sobriety.
And it, it looks different forhow long this will last for you.
(21:18):
Like personally today, as itstands three years into my
sobriety, I can go to a bar andbe more of an okay.
I can have a good time at a barwhere everyone else is drinking.
Maybe people are even drunk likeit does not phase me.
There are no external factors atthis stage of my sobriety that
can deter me or make me feeltriggered to drink like because
I just feel so good.
(21:39):
It's almost like truly I wastalking to my girlfriend about
this last night.
It's almost like entertainmentfor me.
Value factor for me.
I'm like I Sometimes low key.
It's problematic.
I'm a problem I like tosometimes go to these spaces
like clubs and bars and whateverbeach clubs because i'm like,
it's funny.
It's it's content I'm, notjudging but i'm low key like
(21:59):
damn like this is how I would betenfold Like you guys aren't
even doing it, right?
Like you're not even partyinghard enough Back to the
regularly scheduled programhere.
So people places things is veryvery real You And so if you find
certain people, places, orthings triggering to you, you
have to pivot.
You cannot expect to do the samething and get different results.
(22:22):
That is insanity.
And you're talking to an insaneperson who's tried this many
times before in their life.
I can give you guys a truestory.
Trader Joe's, when I got soberin 2021, there used to be a
Trader Joe's that I prefer to goto near Union Square in New York
and There was like the TraderJoe's like supermarket grocery
store and next door directly toit was the Trader Joe's wine
(22:46):
shop and I Truly had to stopgoing to that location even
though it was the mostconvenient one for me In
proximity to like where I livedlike it made the most sense for
me to go to that Trader Joe's Icouldn't go there because I
would have to walk by The TraderJoe's wine shop to get to the
Trader Joe's grocery store.
(23:07):
I just could not fathom walkingpast this grocery store Wine
shop that I used to frequent ona weekly basis.
I went from basically being likea wine Snob like I only want the
best of the best so like I'mgonna start buying box wine like
the cheapest wine I can get itwas quantity over quality for
me.
I was like, I want boxed wine.
(23:27):
I want to stick it in my fridgeand just pull the lever and fill
up.
Like, I could care less whatbrand it is.
And so Trader Joe's was like,Wineshop had the cheapest wine
that was just, now that I thinkabout it, probably all sugar so
I had to stop going to thatTrader Joe's specifically,
because it would trigger me.
It would make me feel like,damn, my routine was too Go to
(23:50):
this wine shop.
And so I had to stop doing that.
It just was not a good idea forme.
I did communicate as mentionedin tip one, I communicated to
certain people that I wasn'tdrinking, right?
Um, unfortunately, some of thosepeople were not very helpful.
In fact, I would argue some ofthose people actually tried to
(24:12):
deter me from my path ofsobriety.
And some of those people I'mstill friends with to this day
and I've learned to forgive thembecause It's like, not to quote
the Bible, it's like, forgivethem, they know not better,
whatever the quote is, like thatsounds like a psalm or
something, right?
Forgive them for they know notbetter, I don't know, something
(24:34):
like that I had to recognizethat, maybe they didn't
understand what I was trying todo.
maybe they themselves had theirown convoluted situation history
with alcohol that they couldn'tfathom the idea that I would
want to get sober, especiallybecause most of those people
were right alongside medrinking.
And if you hold a mirror up tosomeone, they're like, oh, if
(24:56):
Nadine stopped drinking, it'slike, Yeah, she did a lot, but
like also I was right next toher doing pretty much the same
thing.
So maybe that means that I havea problem and like they don't
want to have a problem.
In the beginning I had to sortof distance myself from certain
relationships that were notserving my goal of, you
Sustained sobriety and like Isaid before like I didn't have a
(25:19):
timeline like I didn't thinkthat I'd be talking to you guys
Three years later about stillbeing sober I just knew that I
needed to take a break whichobviously meant I had to
restrain from going to certainplaces You know when I got sober
that summer of 21, I had justmoved back to New York So people
were hitting me up aboutdifferent like parties going on
(25:40):
and like events and I very muchwanted to be on the scene But I
couldn't like I quite literallywould go And I wouldn't have a
good time because I could nothandle the idea of being around
people who were drinking AndYeah, whether they were asking
me to drink or not, whether theywere being supportive of my
sobriety or not, I just did notwant to be in an environment
(26:02):
that catered to drinking.
At the time I was sort ofreferencing this, this, uh,
Mantra, I'll call it, isolationfor preparation, I need to like
distance myself from all ofthese things and all these
people, all these places, um,change up my routine so that I
can prepare for somethingbetter.
And I feel like that was a goodthing.
(26:26):
Um, at the time, and it did helpme stay sober in those early
days, but actually this isbringing me to my third tip for
you guys.
You need to be connected.
You need to have community.
And that is probably the thingthat will keep you sober
forever.
I isolated myself because Ididn't know any sober people.
I isolated myself because I waskind of angry with the world, to
(26:48):
be honest with you guys.
Like, those early days ofsobriety, I was unhappy.
I was not feeling it.
I ended up going, actually, on afive week vacation, which is
beautiful.
But, obviously, I recognize theprivilege in that, like, most
people can't go.
Go do that.
So like I got away from myenvironment, which was helpful
But when I came back to New Yorkafter that five week vacation I
(27:11):
Very much was like, okay.
How am I gonna keep doing this?
Like I started working again inperson And I was miserable.
I was not happy in those earlydays of sobriety I was picking
fights with people.
I was not communicating what Ineeded.
I didn't know what I needed tobe honest I was still in therapy
But Now that it wasn't helping,I just felt like she had helped
(27:33):
me up to a point.
Like, she had helped me getsober, but she wasn't sober.
My therapist had mentioned tome, maybe you should go to AA.
And I was just like, I'm notgoing to AA.
No, I'm not an alcoholic.
Why would I go to AA?
Like I'm doing it.
Like people can't just quitalcohol, right?
Like if I were an alcoholic, Iwouldn't be able to quit by
myself.
This is what I was tellingmyself at least.
(27:53):
And so I stayed away from that.
But at the time I did startlooking for connection,
connection to the sobercommunity because I didn't know
anyone sober IRL.
And what I found.
Through Instagram was soberInstagram, which was a lifeline
for me.
It felt very much like I'm on abuoy out at sea by myself,
(28:15):
there's no one around, and thenall of a sudden this like
lifeline is being thrown at meand it's like pulling me into a
greater, I don't know, like a, ayacht.
It's like, come on the air,we're partying, we're having a
good time, and it's pulling meinto this community of people
who I finally for the first timesaw, firsthand, at least it
looked like on Instagram, peoplethat were having it.
(28:36):
A life.
A fulfilling life.
A happy life.
Sans alcohol.
They don't need booze to be fun.
They don't need booze to bethemselves.
They don't need alcohol to, youknow, express themselves or even
have sex.
And do all the things that I wasreally struggling with at that
time in my life, personally.
So, I I got connected to SoberInstagram.
(28:58):
I started this platform, theSober Butterfly, because I was
seeing great sober accounts.
I was looking for, I was lookingfor myself, to be honest with
you.
I was looking for someone that Ifelt like I could connect with,
or at least I saw myself in.
And remember, we are all unique.
We all, there's anotherexpression in AA, we are all
(29:19):
terminally unique, which justmeans that like, we all think
that we're different, but we'rekind of all connected and have
similar stories.
Even if it's not the same exactstory.
Anyway, I digress.
I was looking for myself like, aBlack girl, to be honest with
you.
I was like, I want a cute Blackgirl who's sober, who has a good
time and still parties.
And like, that's what I waslooking for.
And because I couldn't findthat, I started this platform.
(29:42):
And it's kind of like, fake ituntil you make it.
Like, there's nothing fake aboutme.
Like, what you see in thoseearly days of my Instagram are
Very much is true, but it'sstill instagram.
Like i'm still portraying oneside of my sobriety and so it
was almost like I was trying toFind happiness and like the way
in which I was finding happinesswas was unfortunately for the
gram Like I was like, let me dothings so that I can have things
(30:05):
to share About sobriety becauseI can't just stay in the house
all day.
I'm a social person there'snothing wrong with like the self
care sober girly You And that isand can be me sometimes but also
I'm like I want to be out in theworld and I don't want to stay
inside on a Friday night everyFriday night because everything
is so tempting and triggeringand It's gonna cause me to
(30:26):
relapse So I started to look forways in which I could showcase
having fun and sobriety from myperspective as a black woman
living in New York and And justthat is really the inception of
how the Sober Butterfly started.
Now, of course, it's evolvedinto something greater than
that.
I love to embrace sobriety as awhole, and I'm more so now
(30:49):
concerned about people'sstories.
And, showing the fun side ofsobriety is always going to be
important to me, but it's, it'smore than just fun.
This is hard work.
And so.
Anyway, that's the birth of theSober Butterfly, and through
having connection to SoberInstagram and then starting my
own platform, the SoberButterfly on Instagram, I was
(31:11):
introduced to AA., I wasn'tlooking for it, it found me.
And I'm not even a good AArepresentative.
There is no good AArepresentative.
So let me be clear about that.
I have not worked all of mysteps.
I currently do not have asponsor.
These are things that are reallyrecommended if you are in the
program but I was on SoberInstagram and my first sponsor,
(31:35):
she wasn't my sponsor at thetime.
I didn't know her, but she wassort of like another influencer.
And she had tons of sober time,like 10 plus years.
And I would follow her storiesand DM with her back and forth.
And one day she was just like, Ilove what you're doing with your
Sober Butterfly platform.
I would love to invite you to ameeting.
It's a women's meeting.
(31:55):
we meet virtually twice a week.
I think you'd be great.
And so she sent me the meetinglink invite and I didn't know
what to expect.
I literally thought it was goingto be like a, um, like a book
club, a book club for soberwomen, which is something that
I'm, I've been looking toactually start.
Anyway, I thought it was goingto be like a book club with
sober girls, cute, sober,influencer girls.
(32:17):
And I was like, yeah, of course.
I'm so honored that you wouldthink of me, like send me the
link.
And so I went to my firstmeeting.
And it turned out to be an AAmeeting, so just so you guys
know, AA is not called AA, likethey have other names, so it
could be like, beautifulbutterfly, that's a terrible
example of a name, but like,that could be a name of a
(32:39):
meeting, so it was an AAmeeting, and when I showed up to
the meeting, like, not knowingthat, I was like, Why am I here?
I remember viscerally, like mystomach dropped and I was so
nervous.
I started to sweat and I wasjust like, I don't belong here.
Like, how did I get here?
But I had so much respect forthe host.
(33:00):
So the same girl that invitedme, let's give her a name.
Let's call her MK.
Like MK invited me to thisMeeting and I had so much
respect and love for her andquite literally it felt like a
big sister vibe Even though Ilike I think we're the same age
Um, but it's like she justexuded such confidence and
beauty and just everything thatI was looking for And at that
(33:23):
time in my life, I was like, youknow what?
I am, um, I'm going to stick itout.
It's like, I'm going to ride outthis meeting because immediately
when I heard AA, I wanted to hopoff the call.
Like, I was just like, I don'twant to be here.
Like, this is ridiculous.
But I stayed and I listened.
I don't think I shared, butthere is a point in the meeting
when they ask you to introduceyourself if you're new.
(33:45):
any newcomers, please, introduceyourself at this time and your
day count.
And at the time I was justprobably shy of three months of
sobriety.
And I.
Did that.
I said my name, but you know, Ihad to say, hi, I'm Nadine and
I'm an alcoholic in New YorkCity.
And I remember feeling like I'mlying.
Like I'm not an alcoholic.
Like this is uncomfortable, butthat's how I heard everyone else
(34:07):
introduce themselves as.
That was off putting to me.
and then at the end of thatmeeting, I can't remember like
what I took away from the sharesbecause people shared, I know I
didn't share that first meeting,but I do recall at the end of
the meeting, they said.
Keep coming back.
Keep coming back.
And I don't know why that likestood out to me, but it made me
(34:30):
go back.
It was like, okay, I'm going tokeep coming back.
It was remote.
Like I have nothing to lose.
I'm going to keep coming back tothis remote meeting twice a
week.
I think I can handle that.
And my perspective shifteddrastically from going to these
meetings and connecting withthese women that.
were around the country,sometimes the world even, and
(34:54):
hearing like their individualperspectives about certain
readings because we read from abook and then we share about
like, you know, what we'repersonally working through.
And it was a sense of communitythat I had never had.
It was this idea that like,People were just so honest.
I wasn't used to that.
Like people were just so Honestabout the stuff that they'd been
(35:18):
through and done and not evenjust honest But it wasn't from
this place of like despairalways of course like people
were raw and emotional at timesBut it was sometimes just like
yeah, this is what I did andlike this is where i'm at Like
they've forgiven themselves.
There was no shame.
That's the word i'm looking for.
There was no shame around YouTheir shares like they could
(35:39):
have said the most like jawdropping statement and it was
just like and that's it movingon There's no cross talks You
can't like comment on whatsomeone else said you just
accept that as like their truthand it was freeing it was
liberating and powerful.
A tenant of the program is beingof service to others and like
(35:59):
for me That is like thecornerstone of how I approach my
sobriety today.
That's like the big takeawayI've gotten from AA be honest
and be of service I think thebeauty of me.
In my era was not just likebeing connected to other sober
people.
But also being connected to ahigher power.
(36:22):
So my higher power.
Is God you don't have to believein your higher power under this
entity of God You don't have toI guess believe in anything.
I personally think a big part ofmy Drinking am I using?
Was because I didn't feelconnected to anything beyond
myself and I have felt so muchrelief I Have felt so much peace
(36:50):
inner peace and knowing that Ican lay it on someone else I
think I was so angry with myhigher power AKA God for me,
when my dad died under veryterrible conditions, right?
Like, who wants to hear thatyour dad was shot to death?
Like, that's not something thatI will ever get over fully.
(37:13):
And it's certainly something Iwas holding and carrying with me
for all of these years.
The trauma that we experience,sometimes we can internalize
that as a means to being angrytowards something.
Like, how can I believe in ahigher power that would allow
This to happen I had to restoreMy faith and my conviction that
(37:37):
God gives us what we can handle.
And all of this is in connectionto something greater.
It's led me on a path to whereI'm at now.
And this is not even the enddestination.
This is only the beginning.
you have to define yourrelationship to something.
You have to define yourrelationship to something.
Those are my four tips forgetting and maintaining
sobriety.
(37:58):
Let me know in the comments ifyou agree with some of the tips
that I shared.
So at the opening of the video Ishared, I would be telling you
guys a little bit more about mypersonal, my why story to
sobriety.
how I've been able to maintainmy sobriety.
Those tips are justtransformative and I constantly
go back to those tips, eventoday.
I'm still, doing the work thosetips are, Evergreen.
(38:21):
You should constantly check inwith your status or your state
of sobriety.
Like, this milestone of threeyears, it's a drop in the
bucket.
It's amazing because I want thisto be a lifelong endeavor, so
I'm not going to take it forgranted, and I'm going to I'm
definitely going to celebrate,my soberversary today of three
years I'm never going to assumethat I'm not capable of drinking
(38:44):
again.
Okay.
Finally, I want to talk a littlebit about why getting sober is
the best decision I've evermade.
So all of the benefits that I'veexperienced in my life thus far
in the three years of gettingsober.
I want to start with theemotional growth and self
awareness that I've experiencedin my sobriety.
the journey of understanding andprocessing emotions without
(39:09):
relying on a substance has beenprobably the hardest part of my
sober journey.
There's a Harvard scientist, hername is Dr.
Jill Bolt Taylor.
She argues that feelings aremeant to share their message and
then leave the body.
Usually this happens in 90seconds.
90 seconds.
That's a minute and a half.
(39:30):
Feelings, and emotions are whatmostly I think cause people to
drink or relapse, right?
This emotion, this big feelingwashes over you and you feel
like you have to drink or youhave to do something in order to
not process or feel that.
Early sobriety, it was reallydifficult for me to emotionally
(39:51):
regulate how I opened up.
So felt, but more importantly,how I responded to said feeling
or emotion.
So once I learned that it reallyis only about 90 seconds that we
experience a feeling.
It's essential to be able topinpoint different strategies
that you can employ to distractyourself, distract your brain or
(40:13):
divert that feeling for a fewminutes.
It's not even like.
It needs to be for an hour, justsomething that's going to derail
this big emotion, withoutrelying on a substance.
And so this is where sobertoolkits come in handy.
I have a whole episode aboutsober toolkits that I'll link in
the show notes.
And it's just basically beingable to pull from certain
(40:36):
resources or be able to refer tocertain resources.
tools quite literally that couldbe journaling, that could be
going for a walk, that could bescreaming sometimes just to like
get that emotion out becausefeelings are once again supposed
to be released, another part interms of my emotional growth and
self awareness is just me reallylearning to give myself grace
(40:59):
and be patient And kind tomyself, especially during those
moments of vulnerability, thatnegative self talk has no place.
in your recovery or in yoursobriety.
It's only going to hinder anyprogress if you tell yourself
you're such a piece of crap.
You don't deserve this.
(41:19):
You're the worst, right?
I would have these, flashbacks,I'll say.
Flashbacks to things I didn'tI'd done in my past things that
were bad when I was drinking oreven like cringe and I would
relive in my brain those momentsand then guilt trip myself Like
how could you do that?
I'm talking things that happenedyears ago And i'm like, oh my
(41:40):
god You're such a like you'resuch a terrible person like who
would do that and then you startto spiral that is so unhelpful
That is so Unhelpful if you arenot in the place where you can
truly forgive yourself for yourpast indiscretions then fine But
there is no purpose in yousitting in that self pity or
sitting in that shame Especiallywhen you're getting sober or
(42:01):
you're trying your best anotherexample of this is if you have a
trigger In your sobriety, andthen you guilt yourself, or you
make yourself feel bad for evenhaving experienced that trigger.
It's like, no baby, you'reliterally doing the work.
So don't do that.
Please don't do that.
In general, my emotional growthand self awareness has really
improved and a big part of thatis just through self reflection
(42:25):
And then seeking professionalhelp when needed.
It is okay to need help.
I Have mentioned therapy hasbeen a consistent source of
strength for me.
I'm still in therapy I probablywill be in therapy forever I
never want to stop growingespecially along emotional You
Lines like, I need someone tocheck me.
(42:46):
I need someone to push mythinking.
And I think it's reallyimportant that you seek help
when needed.
I still think there's stigmarelated to mental health and
don't know why.
In 2024 we still feel ashamed toadmit that maybe we're in
therapy or that we need,medication to help regulate.
Some of our emotions or justmental health in general, but
(43:10):
there should not be any shameconnected to that.
So make sure that you're gettinghelp if you think that you could
benefit from that help.
And now a quick word from ourpartners.
It really feels like you'rehaving a moment, pun intended,
when you're sipping on thelovely and refreshing moment.
Now what I love about moment isthat not only does it taste
(43:31):
delicious, I have my favoriteflavors.
I love the blood orange.
I love the spicy mango, but it'salso good for you, which is
exactly what I need in my liferight now as I'm in my early
20s.
30s.
It's infused with L theanine,which is great for mental
clarity.
It also is packed withashwagandha, which is great for
(43:51):
helping to fight stress.
It's made with all of thesenatural botanicals, which really
enhances your vitality.
It does not contain any addedsugar.
It's caffeine and of coursealcohol free and you can
purchase it in still orsparkling.
I love a good sparkle moment sothat's typically the route I
take.
In the morning it's great for aboost to start the day versus in
(44:13):
the afternoon if you want tobeat that afternoon slump and
enhance your mental clarity.
Or if you just need like asimple pick me up, like for me,
I love to have a moment afterthe gym versus going into the
gym because it just really helpsre energize me.
And then in the evening, if youwant to wind down after a long,
busy day and enjoy a deliciousmocktail without the hangover,
(44:34):
then Moment is great for thattoo.
One of the best parts for mewith Moment is I feel like it's
a really conscientious brand.
They donate 1 percent of alltheir sales to mental health non
profits.
So you can feel good aboutsupporting greater causes as
well.
Head over to drinkmoment.
com and use my code TSB23 toreceive 12 percent off your very
(44:57):
first order.
Let's be moment buddies.
We can both have momentstogether.
the-sober-butterfly_3_0 (45:05):
Another reason why getting sober has
been the greatest decision in mylife is not just the emotional
growth in terms of myself, buteven my connection with other
people.
I've just learned to assertmyself more.
I think because I don't carryaround as much shame or guilt, I
feel less guilty.
Convicted in my decisions like Iknow what I'm doing I think so
(45:27):
much of my time spent in mydrinking days was me getting
drunk blacking out doing shittythings to other people, or
feeling like I was doing badthings to other people.
Really and truly, I was harmingmyself, probably above anyone
else, I was harming myself, butI didn't see it that way.
I think I just naturally havealways been very much of an
(45:47):
empath, slash people pleaser.
And I've just cared so muchabout like what other people
think of me.
I don't care so much about whatother people think of me anymore
because I know who I am.
I just have that self awarenesswhere it's like, I feel good
about who I am.
And if you don't like me, thenthat's okay.
Whereas When I was drinking andpartying and using, I wanted to
(46:08):
be liked so much and I waswilling to go to great lengths
to be liked.
And that, goes back to medrinking.
I felt like I was unlocking thisuninhibited side of myself that
could be the crazy, outgoingwild thing.
Person that would always have afun story to share the next day.
But the problem in that liesthat I used to forget what I
would do.
and therefore I would put myselfin compromising situations or
(46:31):
people who were hanging out withme felt like they had to take
care of me or always keep eyesor tabs on me because where's
Nadine?
Oh my God, she's missing.
So like, you know, that'sannoying.
I actually hate the phrase, Oh,drunken words or sober thoughts,
like I don't think that's true.
When people used to tell methings that I would say or do to
them when I was drinking, I feltterrible because I would be
(46:53):
like, I don't feel that wayabout you.
Actually, I don't.
I am not repressing theseemotions and then like, I hate
you.
I think I was just an angrydrunk.
At certain points.
If I passed a certain threshold,I would just attack, attack
anyone in sight.
I could have just met you andgone crazy because I was not
okay.
(47:13):
it wasn't necessarily areflection of how I felt about
my personal relationships.
And that's really hard toexplain to people.
That's really hard to, Explainand apologize for, especially
because you didn't mean what yousaid or what you did, but now
the other person thinks that youdid mean it or you do actually
feel that way about them.
So that was really difficult forme.
(47:34):
and I don't have to work throughthose uncomfortable apologies or
difficult conversations anymore,because simply when I say
something or when I dosomething, I mostly mean it.
99 percent of the time it'slike, I meant that.
And obviously I am mindful aboutdelivery tactics and you can
deliver truth with kindness andyou know, I probably need to
(47:55):
work on that better becausesometimes I think I can be too
direct.
However, for the most part Imean what I say and like that is
just so beautiful and powerful.
That's been a major benefit,which has strengthened my
relationships with peoplebecause I don't have those
anxiety moments where it's likeyou wake up literally sweating,
shaking, scared to look at yourphone.
(48:16):
Do you even have your phone?
Afraid of, doing the rundown oflike, Oh my God, did I offend
anyone?
Or did I do anything cringy andblah, blah, blah, this and that.
Like, I don't have to worryabout that.
And that has just given me suchpeace of mind that literally
cannot be quantified.
Like you cannot put a price onpeace of mind.
I've come to learn that.
And sobriety is showing me thattime and time again.
(48:37):
I don't know how I wasoperating.
the amount of apologies I'vegiven for things I don't
remember doing or saying is justlimitless at this point in my
history of drinking.
So happy that I don't have to dothat anymore.
Another benefit or anotherreason why I'm just like, this
is the best decision I've evermade in life is because I, Look
(48:59):
and feel better.
I would say I look betterbecause I do think I look better
I think it's tricky because megetting sober at 30.
I'm just you know getting olderSo things are changing within my
body and I have to be okay withthat change.
But also I'm trying to Optimizemy age.
(49:19):
I'm trying to age gracefully asmuch as I can And drinking just
we know does not aid well withPreserving yourself long term,
so I'm glad that I got soberwhen I did because I think I'm
just naturally preserving myselfbetter and by the way physical
Transformations my skin looksbetter truly looks better
(49:40):
something happened at 30 for mewhere I was experience for the
first time in my life, acne,adult acne, and I don't know why
that happened because I neverreally had issues with my skin
prior to turning 30 or aroundthat age.
and so when I gave up drinking,I did notice that my skin
gradually, it was not anovernight thing, let me be
(50:02):
clear, but gradually itimproved.
And now I'll come in closer.
I have like a little pimplehere, So like you guys can see,
I don't really have any.
blemishes or pimples on my skin90 percent of the time gradually
my body changed for the better.
But when I first got sober, likeso many other people, found
myself in this somewhat toxicrelationship with sugar.
(50:25):
And that's because when the bodyprocesses alcohol, it basically
converts it into sugar.
So it's quite normal toexperience sugar cravings when
you give up drinking, especiallywhen you drink often, like I
did.
I started to eat candy, like I'mnot even like a candy person,
but I would eat candy, andcookies, and ice cream, and
cake, and I gained some weightin the early days of my
(50:47):
sobriety, which was in factquite triggering for me as
someone who has struggled withbody dysmorphia and disordered
eating, so I almost was like,it's not worth it, like I need
to just go back to my Diet inthe 20s, which is drinking wine
for dinner some nights andsmoking cigarettes and like it
will balance itself out But Idid not do that.
(51:09):
I'm very happy that I did notdefault to old negative Drinking
and smoking and things like thatways but I did have to relearn
how to prioritize my health andthe things that I was doing in
my 20s obviously are not goingto necessarily serve me in my
30s.
And so it taught me, or it sentme on a journey to relearn how
(51:33):
to nourish my body.
And I'm very happy to reportthat I've lost all the weight
that I gained when I firstgained the weight in early
sobriety.
I would say it was about 10 tomaybe 12 pounds, and it's
completely gone.
I feel like I'm the mostsnatched I've been, since my
(51:54):
20s.
And, Yeah, that's just becauseI'm clearly not drinking.
I never have hangovers.
I don't have to skip a workoutbecause, you know, I drink too
much and then my hangover has ahangover.
So that's really like three daysof not working out from one
night of drinking.
Obviously, we know that alcoholslows your metabolism.
It doesn't get metabolizedproperly in your body.
(52:15):
So it's just not ever going tohelp you with any health goals
that you have, which is why Ithink alcohol is trash.
Just another reason why I thinkit's trash.
Trash but um, yeah, so I feelbetter.
I look better and my quality ofsleep has improved
Significantly, I know peopletalk about this but like let's
(52:36):
get into it a little bit more ISleep like a baby I used to
drink a lot mostly wine or passout from drinking hard liquor.
I would sleep, but the qualityof sleep was not good.
And then sometimes I'd have towake up in the middle of the
night to, you know, use thebathroom because I drank too
much.
And I just don't experiencethat.
(52:56):
Now, if I wake up in the middleof the night to use the
bathroom, it's because I drinktoo much water.
And then I fall peacefully backto sleep.
A lot of people think thatalcohol helps them sleep and I
don't want to get into thescience behind that, but yeah,
you might pass out, but passingout is not going to sleep.
It's not helping you have thebest REM sleep that you can
(53:17):
have.
It's basically knocking you outand then you wake up feeling
worse, at least I did, the dayafter.
The very last thing I'm going toshare, just in terms of why this
has been the best decision of mylife.
going back to this idea ofcommunity I have just met some
of the greatest people I've evermet in my life Through this
sober journey.
I mean that from the depths ofmy heart like people that are
(53:40):
just remarkable who Have suchresilience and intelligence, you
know, they say that addictionaffects everyone or can affect
anyone from The park bench toPark Avenue, right?
it walks all paths of life.
And there's something reallyhumanizing about that, that I
(54:00):
appreciate so much because, youcan look at someone, but never
judge that person by its cover.
you never truly know what'sgoing on.
That's what I find to be sobeautiful about this addiction
is that it does connect so manypeople.
And even if you yourself are notpersonally an alcoholic or you
(54:21):
don't think that you're aproblem drinker good for you I
can guarantee that, you know oneperson that struggles from
addiction and that is the Humanthread that connects all of us.
This disease is so much biggerthan you.
It's so much bigger than me Itis, for me, so awe inspiring
(54:42):
when I do connect with peoplewho have done the work.
They fucking did it.
They did the work, and they arehere to tell their story, and
that's why I will constantlytell my story.
I hope and pray that next yearI'll be talking to you guys
about four years of sobriety andjust all of the joys that I have
(55:03):
experienced because of mysobriety and some of the
hardship that I've had to workthrough and still consistently
work through because of myaddiction.
but I'm very happy to reportthat life has only gotten
better.
Don't know where I would be if Iwere still drinking, but I can
only imagine it would not beHere talking to you guys right
(55:25):
now sharing my truth and Livingmy dream my dream is to reach as
many people as I can to touchlives to leave impact and I get
to do that every day with thesober butterfly and today on my
soberversary three years, babywith you guys.
So thank you guys for listeningto my story.
Thank you for being here.
(55:46):
Thank you for helping mecelebrate three years of
sobriety.
I'm just.
Astonished by like how quicklyit went but also like how much
has happened in the in betweentime
the-sober-butterfly_2_07-05 (55:56):
I'm releasing this episode
intentionally on my sobriversarydate, which is July 5th, a
Friday, but in general, movingforward, I'm going to be
releasing episodes every singleFriday, faithfully, your girl
has been A little finicky, alittle bit all over the place,
but I'm going to just holdmyself accountable and publish
(56:19):
new episodes every Friday.
the-sober-butterfly_3_07-05- (56:20):
if you guys like today's episode,
Please do me a favor if youhaven't done so already and
leave a like five stars.
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Hello, hello, hello! Welcome to The
Sober Butterfly.
I'm your host, Nadine Molvina.
And today I'm very happy toreport that It is my
soberversary.
I have been sober for threeofficial years three years ago I
decided that I no longer wantedto drink alcohol.
Not even that I no longerwanted, even the wanting and
(00:24):
willingness are very important.
It was more so I could not, likeI knew that my life was
unmanageable.
I knew that my life was chaoticand I knew I wanted better for
myself.
So three years ago, So I gotsober and this is a little bit
about my story.
I'll be sharing some tips andbenefits as to why getting sober
(00:46):
has been the greatest lifechoice I've ever made.
Let's get into it.
People often ask me, Nadine, areyou an alcoholic?
Because when you tell people youdon't drink, immediately, they
assume that you have a problem.
Right?
You're the problem.
Not alcohol.
You're the problem.
Therefore, you can no longerdrink because you're an
(01:07):
alcoholic.
And I hate the framing of thatbecause it positions the person
who really is the victim, as theperpetrator.
I would rather tell myself thatI have a problem with alcohol,
admit that to myself, thandelude myself into believing
that I could be a normal drinkerbecause I've never been a normal
(01:30):
drinker.
So I believe that alcohol.
use disorder is a spectrum.
I believe that because sciencetells us that it is a spectrum,
meaning it's very easy to selfdiagnose where you are, which is
great because, you have to dothe deep reflection and the
introspection to know and behonest with yourself about where
you fall on that alcohol usespectrum.
(01:50):
However, it's also really easyto tell yourself maybe that you
don't have a problem when infact you do.
So at various points in my lifefrom 13 to like 30, my addiction
manifested in different ways.
My first sip of alcohol was atage 13.
I was at a college party with mycousin and my first sip of
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alcohol turned out to be myfirst blackout, which turned out
to be my first hangover, whichturned out to be my first moment
of shame.
And then what would catapultinto years of drinking in excess
and lying to myself and othersabout my alcohol use and how
(02:33):
problematic it really was in mylife because sometimes when
you're going through it, youdon't realize how many things
are pointing to this idea thatyou have a problem with a
substance, because it's reallyeasy to delude yourself into
believing that you It's fine.
You got it.
You have it under control.
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Society is also messaging thisidea that there's nothing wrong
with alcohol.
If there's something wrong withanything or anyone, it's you.
It's not the alcohol.
Like, we defend alcohol.
Ooh, we are the best defendants.
We will go to great lengths toprotect alcohol.
But like, by design.
Alcohol is intended for you todrink more and more and more of
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it.
You develop a higher toleranceand next thing you know, you're
like me, a daily drinker.
Now, college is where thingsreally started to get.
Messy, binge drinking culture,very collegiate type of
activities, like tailgating andfrat parties.
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It was a perfect concoction forsomeone like me who wanted to
very much reinvent themselves.
And reinvent myself, I did.
I very much quickly fell fastfriends with a group of girls
who were popular and pretty andalso party girls.
I was very insecure in my life.
I was overweight Drinkingcertainly didn't help but I was
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overweight and all of my friendswere beautiful like truly
Conventionally beautiful andthat's not to say that because I
was 50 pounds heavier I wasn'tbeautiful, but I didn't feel
beautiful is the point.
I'm trying to make and so Iwanted to be the fat, funny
friend.
That was my self imposed role inthe group.
And so the way in which I didthat, fulfilled this role was by
drinking I couldn't tap intothis eccentricity without
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alcohol and so I would be theperson that drank so much, I
honestly don't know how I wasable to drink in those great
quantities and still survive totell the tale that I'm telling
today.
And this was pretty much my maingig until my dad died.
So in sophomore year of college,my father was murdered and so of
course that came as a shock tome.
(04:41):
And there was a huge shift, ahuge life shift for me and
alcohol at this point in time.
So before I was like.
You know, the girl that was justfunny drunk, of course, putting
myself in very dangeroussituations, but for the most
part, it was all laughs.
It was always like, Oh my God,Nadine is just so crazy.
We're talking bars and fake IDsand tailgates and hooking up
(05:02):
with guys and just being silly.
And then when my dad died, Inaturally became extremely
depressed and I used alcohol asa means to cope.
I would get belligerently drunkand angry and lash out at people
that I loved or, you know,didn't even know.
I lost 50 plus pounds in a veryshort amount of time because I
(05:28):
started to starve myself.
And I just was really lost.
And I also started to drink onmy own, which I'd never really
done before.
I started to drink alone becauseI didn't want to feel.
And Thankfully, I got myself outof that situation with time, and
(05:51):
support, but really with time.
And when I graduated college, Ihad both dualities that existed
within me.
So, fun party girl, but also inthe background of my life
drinking excessively because Istill was grieving if I'm being
honest.
I think I was still grieving andso then fast forward once again
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alcohol use disorder is aspectrum.
I moved to New York aftercollege I got a job as a teacher
I had a really, really toughfirst few years in the
classroom, and I used alcohol todeal with that.
As a young professional in NewYork, I very much fit the
archetype of the type of youngprofessional who works really
(06:33):
hard, but also plays reallyhard.
And so I thought that wastotally normal because I was
surrounded with people who alsoidentified with similar patterns
of drinking that I did.
I discovered wine, and like thesophistication of wine, like I
became a little wino, eventhough I was on a very measly
teacher salary, I would spend abig bulk of that buying wine and
(06:54):
at first it was like, Oh, I'minto it because I want to learn
how How to be sort of like asommelier connoisseur.
Um, but the reality is I justwanted to feel a buzz after work
and, you know, drinking winesounds better than drinking a
handle of Tito's tequila.
Um, so I used to drink a lot ofwine.
(07:15):
And at the time, actually, thoseearly New York years, I lived
with a girl who was sober, funnyenough, and I did not like her.
I did not like her.
actually, I loved her.
You know, when you love someone,but you don't like them?
Like, that's sort of like whatour relationship was or became.
Her and I would like partytogether sometimes, less in the
(07:36):
later years of us livingtogether.
But in early moments of us beingroommates, we certainly used to
have a good time together and goout.
And she would always hold thisposition of like, I'm not
judging you, but she was, shewas definitely judging me.
And like, probably for goodreason, come to think of it.
So I would drink.
my normal ways of drinking andshe would find that extremely
(07:58):
problematic, but I was all like,you don't drink and you never
have.
And both of her parents were inrecovery.
So I was like, you were probablyprojecting your feelings towards
your parents on me.
And that's not cool.
And I even recall at one pointin our union or living together,
she tried to have like a miniintervention with me.
(08:18):
And I was not.
Having it.
I was like not I you're notdoing this with me.
It was very, passive aggressive,but also aggressive.
So she was in the kitchen, goingthrough the recycling or
something like that.
And the way our apartment was,like, the kitchen was, like,
around a little bend.
And so I could hear what wasgoing on in the kitchen, but, I
(08:39):
couldn't see.
But I could hear her sortingthrough the recycling and, like,
angrily clanking bottlestogether.
And then she was just, like,Making sounds.
She's like, oh, oh, like, likejust so dramatic.
And then I was sitting in theliving room With a glass of wine
actually and she came around andshe's like, hey girl, and she
(09:01):
would always say hey girl I wasjust like, oh my god, like what
is going on?
She's like, hey girl Like I wasjust doing the recycling and I'm
noticing this is a lot of wineIs this all from this week?
I'm not gonna say her name, butlet's call her Sarah.
I'm like, no, Sarah, I had somebottles in my room.
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I just took it out.
I lied.
Like, it was from that week.
And I felt very offended thatshe even would call me out on
that.
I actually kind of blacked outthe remainder of that
conversation, I'm pretty sureshe told me that she had noticed
that my drinking had escalatedand I was drinking a lot or
whatever.
And I was just kind of like,thanks for your concern, but
mind your business.
I didn't say that quiteliterally, but that was the
(09:43):
essence of the conversation.
So my mid to late twenties, Iwasn't partying so much because
I was in a relationship withsomeone, but I was definitely
drinking daily.
We were still very much immersedin not like a party crowd, but
very much a crowd that weredrinkers.
That plus I smoked so much weed.
Oh my God.
My twenties pretty much, Ididn't mention this before.
(10:05):
I was in a fog.
Like it was just a cloud ofsmoke, essentially.
I smoked every day too.
So I was drinking, I wassmoking, um, tobacco and
marijuana at this time in mylife.
And then he and I broke up and Iwent on this hot girl summer
that lasted many, many moons,many summers.
And it turned into a situationwhere I started to drink more
(10:26):
and experiment with drugs andparty party party party hard so
now I'm like mid to late 20s andand Monday through Thursday
drinking wine daily, smokingweed probably daily, and then
Friday through Sunday, drinkinghard, doing drugs, um, and Yeah,
(10:47):
just, you're a garden varietyaddict that doesn't think they
have a problem.
I thought it was so normalbecause New York culture,
everyone's, you know, in thebathroom doing coke.
This is just literally what Itell myself.
I just felt very much normalizedin the circle that I kept at the
time and then with the pandemicthings really popped off, I'll
(11:11):
say.
My drinking did not slow down,it escalated.
I went to Florida, I partiedhardy, I found myself trekking
across Americas, like Mexico andthe U S and I, um, landed mainly
in Mexico city.
I partied like I was in collegeagain, like binge drinking going
(11:34):
out three four times a weekDoing drugs just really living a
fast paced lifestyle andeverything came to a culmination
when I Was ready to leave Mexicobut basically I was in a
situation where I I had thecraziest, one of the craziest
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nights of my life, and I didn'tlike who I was.
It was an out of body experiencewhere I was seeing myself do
these things that I didn't wantto be doing and yet, I could not
stop myself from doing them.
And that was it.
Is kind of like addiction,right?
I think so many people are like,well, why don't you just stop?
(12:17):
Why don't you just stopdrinking?
Why don't you just stop usingand it's like if I could I would
right like you think people wantto ruin their lives?
It was a moment that was veryneeded for me.
And I want to say that that wasthe last time I ever drank or
did drugs, but it wasn't.
Um, but it was definitely thefirst time that I thought to
(12:38):
myself, Hey, this is not goingto end well.
This may not end well for you ifyou continue on this path.
So going back to that question,am I an alcoholic?
Yes.
Long answer short, yes.
I'm an alcoholic because Icannot just have one drink.
I've never been able to havejust one drink and, caveat,
(13:00):
asterisk, and be satisfied.
I've never been able to justhave one and be like, yes, I'm
good.
This is great.
Everything's great.
Everything's great.
Right, right, right.
No, like I could do it because Iwanted to prove something to
myself or maybe prove somethingto others, but I've never been
happy with a drink.
So yeah.
(13:20):
I'm an alcoholic and I'm okaywith that.
People sometimes ask me this Ifyou could would you like
implying if you could have adrink and just be a normie or a
normal drinker Would you want toand the answer is no it just
doesn't make sense.
If you could come up with acompelling argument for me as to
why having a drink or twobenefit my life in any way, then
(13:43):
I would be open to having adiscussion, maybe rethinking why
I hate alcohol.
But until that day comes, untilsomeone can really present a
compelling case as to whyalcohol is actually good for
you, it just makes no sense.
Okay, so now that you've heard alittle bit about my personal
journey So, um, let me tell youa little bit about my journey to
sobriety.
Let me tell you about actuallygetting sober and what that
(14:07):
looked like for me.
I got sober July 5th, 2021 andbest decision I've ever made in
my life, which I'll get into alittle bit later, but me getting
sober July 5th, means that July4th, 2021 was my last sip of
alcohol.
That moment I do remember.
I remember once again beingtired.
(14:29):
before that 4th of July weekend,I had about a month of sobriety
under my belt, which I feltreally proud of because prior to
that, I had tried through theaid of my therapist, I had tried
to moderate alcohol and like themental gymnastics of what video.
Encompassed was not worth it.
Like me trying to moderatealcohol was exhausting It was
(14:51):
like more tiring than me justbeing like, you know what?
let me just take a breakaltogether I would go out set a
limit for myself.
So like say two drinks per nightand some nights I could do it
but I was never happy I wasnever satisfied and then some
nights I couldn't do it and thenI would just walk away feeling
so ashamed and like damn Imessed up.
I can't do this Like there'ssomething wrong with me and I
(15:13):
didn't like feeling like therewas something wrong with me
moderating wasn't working forme, so I decided to take a break
from alcohol.
And it is important to note herethat I was not looking to become
sober.
Like, I wasn't trying to becomea sober person.
I was just looking to reset.
I wanted to see how I felt fromtaking a break, and I didn't
(15:33):
even have a Timeline in my mind.
I think I was just sort of like,let me see how I feel.
I'll keep checking in with mytherapist so July 4th now 2021.
I felt like crap because I hadRelapsed I'll say even though it
didn't feel like a relapsebecause once again like I was
treating sobriety as a socialexperiment So I wasn't like, oh
(15:55):
my god, I relapsed I was sort oflike damn I drink and I said I
wouldn't drink and so why is itthat I can't?
Do what I say I'm going to do.
That's when I realized that IMay need some more support that
I may need to take this a littlebit more seriously But prior to
(16:15):
that moment, I was just whiteknuckling the entire experience
I wasn't really looking at theroot causes of what may have
been driving me to drink.
I wasn't looking at outsidesupport, aside from my
therapist, I personally didn'tknow anyone in my life who was
sober.
The roommate I had years ago,her and I weren't friends
(16:36):
anymore.
I didn't have anyone in my lifethat could lead or show me, by
example, sobriety could looklike.
And certainly, Look like interms of fun, I decided when I
came back to New York, I wouldreally try this time.
Like, I would really, reallytry.
And for me, really, reallytrying looked like telling
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people.
And so this is my first tip orrecommendation for anyone who's
maybe seeking to get sober ortake a break from alcohol.
I think that you have to tellpeople.
You have to tell people becausetelling people helps hold.
You're self accountable, and italso helps hold them
accountable.
Because if I'm telling you, I'mworking on this area of my life,
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like imagine let's take alcoholout of the equation.
Imagine you're telling your bestfriend or your partner that you
are on a diet.
You were looking to lose 10pounds and Therefore You're on a
strict keto diet whatever thatmeans.
I don't know I don't do keto butthe point I'm trying to make is
you tell people that you're on adiet Please don't offer me junk
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food.
Please don't offer me cookiesand cakes and whatever sugar
because I'm trying to stay thisstraight and narrow.
And if people do offer me, ortry and tempt you with like,
Hey, I baked this, whatever foryou.
you're going to look at themsideways.
You're going to be like, um, whyare you offering this to me?
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And I told you quite clearlythat I was not interested
basically helps you.
Set them up for success.
I try to set other people up forsuccess not failure so if you're
holding on to the secret thatyou're on a diet and no one
knows and they're offering youjunk food and you're Just like
secretly internalizing that andtaking it so personally.
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You're like, why does no oneunderstand me?
I'm like, how could they do thisto me?
It's like well, baby.
You didn't tell them you're on adiet So like what do you expect?
They're gonna ask you if youwant to go to McDonald's because
you didn't communicate so youhave to communicate to other
people That you are seriouslyTaking a break from alcohol.
You don't have to go into thereasons now.
You don't have to like explainyourself You don't have to say I
(18:46):
think I have a problem withalcohol.
You don't have to say I'mdetoxing You just have to tell
people like hey, I'm notdrinking So, please don't like
invite me to drink or bring mealcohol because like people
literally have bought me alcoholbefore So it's like you can't
expect people to help you Or bethere for you if you don't tell
(19:10):
them what you need from them.
And in terms of holding yourselfaccountable, it's like, if I
tell you I'm on a diet, if Itell you I'm not drinking, and
then I'm like, hey, do you wantto go to the bar?
Do you want to go to CheesecakeFactory?
You're clearly not aligned, likeyou're saying one thing, but
your actions are leading you ina different path, And so you
(19:32):
have to make sure that the twomatch.
And it's just nice when you havethat accountability from both
sides.
Like I'm going to hold myselfaccountable.
And I'm also telling people thatI trust and love to hold me
accountable as well.
So my first tip is just tellpeople, like, don't worry so
much about what they're going tothink about you and just let
them know what it is that youneed from them.
(19:52):
All right.
My second tip, and This issomething that I really came to
understand in early sobriety,make sure that you have a set
routine.
This is important.
You guys, seriously, you have tohave a routine.
You have to find ways toReinvent yourself.
I already kind of talked aboutthis, like saying one thing but
doing another thing is fornaught.
(20:15):
You need to make sure that yourlifestyle aligns with your
sobriety.
what that looks like.
In AA, there's lots of greatterminology.
AA meaning Alcoholics Anonymous.
And I'm not telling you that youneed AA or that you should go to
AA.
I'm just saying, like, there'slots of gems of wisdom that I
constantly refer to becausethey're just true for many
(20:37):
aspects of life, not justrecovery or sobriety.
So there's this term or thissaying, which is people places
things.
Okay, people, places, thingsliterally is just that., I'm
going to add routines as well.
You have to be aware of whoyou're spending your time with,
people, where you're spendingyour time with them, places, or
(20:58):
like where you associate certainmemories of drinking not just
like in terms of people you weredrinking with, but like
literally places as they stand.
And then also things, thingsthat may be triggering to you
that will make you want todrink.
You have to be super mindful inthe early days of your sobriety.
And it, it looks different forhow long this will last for you.
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Like personally today, as itstands three years into my
sobriety, I can go to a bar andbe more of an okay.
I can have a good time at a barwhere everyone else is drinking.
Maybe people are even drunk likeit does not phase me.
There are no external factors atthis stage of my sobriety that
can deter me or make me feeltriggered to drink like because
I just feel so good.
(21:39):
It's almost like truly I wastalking to my girlfriend about
this last night.
It's almost like entertainmentfor me.
Value factor for me.
I'm like I Sometimes low key.
It's problematic.
I'm a problem I like tosometimes go to these spaces
like clubs and bars and whateverbeach clubs because i'm like,
it's funny.
It's it's content I'm, notjudging but i'm low key like
(21:59):
damn like this is how I would betenfold Like you guys aren't
even doing it, right?
Like you're not even partyinghard enough Back to the
regularly scheduled programhere.
So people places things is veryvery real You And so if you find
certain people, places, orthings triggering to you, you
have to pivot.
You cannot expect to do the samething and get different results.
(22:22):
That is insanity.
And you're talking to an insaneperson who's tried this many
times before in their life.
I can give you guys a truestory.
Trader Joe's, when I got soberin 2021, there used to be a
Trader Joe's that I prefer to goto near Union Square in New York
and There was like the TraderJoe's like supermarket grocery
store and next door directly toit was the Trader Joe's wine
(22:46):
shop and I Truly had to stopgoing to that location even
though it was the mostconvenient one for me In
proximity to like where I livedlike it made the most sense for
me to go to that Trader Joe's Icouldn't go there because I
would have to walk by The TraderJoe's wine shop to get to the
Trader Joe's grocery store.
(23:07):
I just could not fathom walkingpast this grocery store Wine
shop that I used to frequent ona weekly basis.
I went from basically being likea wine Snob like I only want the
best of the best so like I'mgonna start buying box wine like
the cheapest wine I can get itwas quantity over quality for
me.
I was like, I want boxed wine.
(23:27):
I want to stick it in my fridgeand just pull the lever and fill
up.
Like, I could care less whatbrand it is.
And so Trader Joe's was like,Wineshop had the cheapest wine
that was just, now that I thinkabout it, probably all sugar so
I had to stop going to thatTrader Joe's specifically,
because it would trigger me.
It would make me feel like,damn, my routine was too Go to
(23:50):
this wine shop.
And so I had to stop doing that.
It just was not a good idea forme.
I did communicate as mentionedin tip one, I communicated to
certain people that I wasn'tdrinking, right?
Um, unfortunately, some of thosepeople were not very helpful.
In fact, I would argue some ofthose people actually tried to
(24:12):
deter me from my path ofsobriety.
And some of those people I'mstill friends with to this day
and I've learned to forgive thembecause It's like, not to quote
the Bible, it's like, forgivethem, they know not better,
whatever the quote is, like thatsounds like a psalm or
something, right?
Forgive them for they know notbetter, I don't know, something
(24:34):
like that I had to recognizethat, maybe they didn't
understand what I was trying todo.
maybe they themselves had theirown convoluted situation history
with alcohol that they couldn'tfathom the idea that I would
want to get sober, especiallybecause most of those people
were right alongside medrinking.
And if you hold a mirror up tosomeone, they're like, oh, if
(24:56):
Nadine stopped drinking, it'slike, Yeah, she did a lot, but
like also I was right next toher doing pretty much the same
thing.
So maybe that means that I havea problem and like they don't
want to have a problem.
In the beginning I had to sortof distance myself from certain
relationships that were notserving my goal of, you
Sustained sobriety and like Isaid before like I didn't have a
(25:19):
timeline like I didn't thinkthat I'd be talking to you guys
Three years later about stillbeing sober I just knew that I
needed to take a break whichobviously meant I had to
restrain from going to certainplaces You know when I got sober
that summer of 21, I had justmoved back to New York So people
were hitting me up aboutdifferent like parties going on
(25:40):
and like events and I very muchwanted to be on the scene But I
couldn't like I quite literallywould go And I wouldn't have a
good time because I could nothandle the idea of being around
people who were drinking AndYeah, whether they were asking
me to drink or not, whether theywere being supportive of my
sobriety or not, I just did notwant to be in an environment
(26:02):
that catered to drinking.
At the time I was sort ofreferencing this, this, uh,
Mantra, I'll call it, isolationfor preparation, I need to like
distance myself from all ofthese things and all these
people, all these places, um,change up my routine so that I
can prepare for somethingbetter.
And I feel like that was a goodthing.
(26:26):
Um, at the time, and it did helpme stay sober in those early
days, but actually this isbringing me to my third tip for
you guys.
You need to be connected.
You need to have community.
And that is probably the thingthat will keep you sober
forever.
I isolated myself because Ididn't know any sober people.
I isolated myself because I waskind of angry with the world, to
(26:48):
be honest with you guys.
Like, those early days ofsobriety, I was unhappy.
I was not feeling it.
I ended up going, actually, on afive week vacation, which is
beautiful.
But, obviously, I recognize theprivilege in that, like, most
people can't go.
Go do that.
So like I got away from myenvironment, which was helpful
But when I came back to New Yorkafter that five week vacation I
(27:11):
Very much was like, okay.
How am I gonna keep doing this?
Like I started working again inperson And I was miserable.
I was not happy in those earlydays of sobriety I was picking
fights with people.
I was not communicating what Ineeded.
I didn't know what I needed tobe honest I was still in therapy
But Now that it wasn't helping,I just felt like she had helped
(27:33):
me up to a point.
Like, she had helped me getsober, but she wasn't sober.
My therapist had mentioned tome, maybe you should go to AA.
And I was just like, I'm notgoing to AA.
No, I'm not an alcoholic.
Why would I go to AA?
Like I'm doing it.
Like people can't just quitalcohol, right?
Like if I were an alcoholic, Iwouldn't be able to quit by
myself.
This is what I was tellingmyself at least.
(27:53):
And so I stayed away from that.
But at the time I did startlooking for connection,
connection to the sobercommunity because I didn't know
anyone sober IRL.
And what I found.
Through Instagram was soberInstagram, which was a lifeline
for me.
It felt very much like I'm on abuoy out at sea by myself,
(28:15):
there's no one around, and thenall of a sudden this like
lifeline is being thrown at meand it's like pulling me into a
greater, I don't know, like a, ayacht.
It's like, come on the air,we're partying, we're having a
good time, and it's pulling meinto this community of people
who I finally for the first timesaw, firsthand, at least it
looked like on Instagram, peoplethat were having it.
(28:36):
A life.
A fulfilling life.
A happy life.
Sans alcohol.
They don't need booze to be fun.
They don't need booze to bethemselves.
They don't need alcohol to, youknow, express themselves or even
have sex.
And do all the things that I wasreally struggling with at that
time in my life, personally.
So, I I got connected to SoberInstagram.
(28:58):
I started this platform, theSober Butterfly, because I was
seeing great sober accounts.
I was looking for, I was lookingfor myself, to be honest with
you.
I was looking for someone that Ifelt like I could connect with,
or at least I saw myself in.
And remember, we are all unique.
We all, there's anotherexpression in AA, we are all
(29:19):
terminally unique, which justmeans that like, we all think
that we're different, but we'rekind of all connected and have
similar stories.
Even if it's not the same exactstory.
Anyway, I digress.
I was looking for myself like, aBlack girl, to be honest with
you.
I was like, I want a cute Blackgirl who's sober, who has a good
time and still parties.
And like, that's what I waslooking for.
And because I couldn't findthat, I started this platform.
(29:42):
And it's kind of like, fake ituntil you make it.
Like, there's nothing fake aboutme.
Like, what you see in thoseearly days of my Instagram are
Very much is true, but it'sstill instagram.
Like i'm still portraying oneside of my sobriety and so it
was almost like I was trying toFind happiness and like the way
in which I was finding happinesswas was unfortunately for the
gram Like I was like, let me dothings so that I can have things
(30:05):
to share About sobriety becauseI can't just stay in the house
all day.
I'm a social person there'snothing wrong with like the self
care sober girly You And that isand can be me sometimes but also
I'm like I want to be out in theworld and I don't want to stay
inside on a Friday night everyFriday night because everything
is so tempting and triggeringand It's gonna cause me to
(30:26):
relapse So I started to look forways in which I could showcase
having fun and sobriety from myperspective as a black woman
living in New York and And justthat is really the inception of
how the Sober Butterfly started.
Now, of course, it's evolvedinto something greater than
that.
I love to embrace sobriety as awhole, and I'm more so now
(30:49):
concerned about people'sstories.
And, showing the fun side ofsobriety is always going to be
important to me, but it's, it'smore than just fun.
This is hard work.
And so.
Anyway, that's the birth of theSober Butterfly, and through
having connection to SoberInstagram and then starting my
own platform, the SoberButterfly on Instagram, I was
(31:11):
introduced to AA., I wasn'tlooking for it, it found me.
And I'm not even a good AArepresentative.
There is no good AArepresentative.
So let me be clear about that.
I have not worked all of mysteps.
I currently do not have asponsor.
These are things that are reallyrecommended if you are in the
program but I was on SoberInstagram and my first sponsor,
(31:35):
she wasn't my sponsor at thetime.
I didn't know her, but she wassort of like another influencer.
And she had tons of sober time,like 10 plus years.
And I would follow her storiesand DM with her back and forth.
And one day she was just like, Ilove what you're doing with your
Sober Butterfly platform.
I would love to invite you to ameeting.
It's a women's meeting.
(31:55):
we meet virtually twice a week.
I think you'd be great.
And so she sent me the meetinglink invite and I didn't know
what to expect.
I literally thought it was goingto be like a, um, like a book
club, a book club for soberwomen, which is something that
I'm, I've been looking toactually start.
Anyway, I thought it was goingto be like a book club with
sober girls, cute, sober,influencer girls.
(32:17):
And I was like, yeah, of course.
I'm so honored that you wouldthink of me, like send me the
link.
And so I went to my firstmeeting.
And it turned out to be an AAmeeting, so just so you guys
know, AA is not called AA, likethey have other names, so it
could be like, beautifulbutterfly, that's a terrible
example of a name, but like,that could be a name of a
(32:39):
meeting, so it was an AAmeeting, and when I showed up to
the meeting, like, not knowingthat, I was like, Why am I here?
I remember viscerally, like mystomach dropped and I was so
nervous.
I started to sweat and I wasjust like, I don't belong here.
Like, how did I get here?
But I had so much respect forthe host.
(33:00):
So the same girl that invitedme, let's give her a name.
Let's call her MK.
Like MK invited me to thisMeeting and I had so much
respect and love for her andquite literally it felt like a
big sister vibe Even though Ilike I think we're the same age
Um, but it's like she justexuded such confidence and
beauty and just everything thatI was looking for And at that
(33:23):
time in my life, I was like, youknow what?
I am, um, I'm going to stick itout.
It's like, I'm going to ride outthis meeting because immediately
when I heard AA, I wanted to hopoff the call.
Like, I was just like, I don'twant to be here.
Like, this is ridiculous.
But I stayed and I listened.
I don't think I shared, butthere is a point in the meeting
when they ask you to introduceyourself if you're new.
(33:45):
any newcomers, please, introduceyourself at this time and your
day count.
And at the time I was justprobably shy of three months of
sobriety.
And I.
Did that.
I said my name, but you know, Ihad to say, hi, I'm Nadine and
I'm an alcoholic in New YorkCity.
And I remember feeling like I'mlying.
Like I'm not an alcoholic.
Like this is uncomfortable, butthat's how I heard everyone else
(34:07):
introduce themselves as.
That was off putting to me.
and then at the end of thatmeeting, I can't remember like
what I took away from the sharesbecause people shared, I know I
didn't share that first meeting,but I do recall at the end of
the meeting, they said.
Keep coming back.
Keep coming back.
And I don't know why that likestood out to me, but it made me
(34:30):
go back.
It was like, okay, I'm going tokeep coming back.
It was remote.
Like I have nothing to lose.
I'm going to keep coming back tothis remote meeting twice a
week.
I think I can handle that.
And my perspective shifteddrastically from going to these
meetings and connecting withthese women that.
were around the country,sometimes the world even, and
(34:54):
hearing like their individualperspectives about certain
readings because we read from abook and then we share about
like, you know, what we'repersonally working through.
And it was a sense of communitythat I had never had.
It was this idea that like,People were just so honest.
I wasn't used to that.
Like people were just so Honestabout the stuff that they'd been
(35:18):
through and done and not evenjust honest But it wasn't from
this place of like despairalways of course like people
were raw and emotional at timesBut it was sometimes just like
yeah, this is what I did andlike this is where i'm at Like
they've forgiven themselves.
There was no shame.
That's the word i'm looking for.
There was no shame around YouTheir shares like they could
(35:39):
have said the most like jawdropping statement and it was
just like and that's it movingon There's no cross talks You
can't like comment on whatsomeone else said you just
accept that as like their truthand it was freeing it was
liberating and powerful.
A tenant of the program is beingof service to others and like
(35:59):
for me That is like thecornerstone of how I approach my
sobriety today.
That's like the big takeawayI've gotten from AA be honest
and be of service I think thebeauty of me.
In my era was not just likebeing connected to other sober
people.
But also being connected to ahigher power.
(36:22):
So my higher power.
Is God you don't have to believein your higher power under this
entity of God You don't have toI guess believe in anything.
I personally think a big part ofmy Drinking am I using?
Was because I didn't feelconnected to anything beyond
myself and I have felt so muchrelief I Have felt so much peace
(36:50):
inner peace and knowing that Ican lay it on someone else I
think I was so angry with myhigher power AKA God for me,
when my dad died under veryterrible conditions, right?
Like, who wants to hear thatyour dad was shot to death?
Like, that's not something thatI will ever get over fully.
(37:13):
And it's certainly something Iwas holding and carrying with me
for all of these years.
The trauma that we experience,sometimes we can internalize
that as a means to being angrytowards something.
Like, how can I believe in ahigher power that would allow
This to happen I had to restoreMy faith and my conviction that
(37:37):
God gives us what we can handle.
And all of this is in connectionto something greater.
It's led me on a path to whereI'm at now.
And this is not even the enddestination.
This is only the beginning.
you have to define yourrelationship to something.
You have to define yourrelationship to something.
Those are my four tips forgetting and maintaining
sobriety.
(37:58):
Let me know in the comments ifyou agree with some of the tips
that I shared.
So at the opening of the video Ishared, I would be telling you
guys a little bit more about mypersonal, my why story to
sobriety.
how I've been able to maintainmy sobriety.
Those tips are justtransformative and I constantly
go back to those tips, eventoday.
I'm still, doing the work thosetips are, Evergreen.
(38:21):
You should constantly check inwith your status or your state
of sobriety.
Like, this milestone of threeyears, it's a drop in the
bucket.
It's amazing because I want thisto be a lifelong endeavor, so
I'm not going to take it forgranted, and I'm going to I'm
definitely going to celebrate,my soberversary today of three
years I'm never going to assumethat I'm not capable of drinking
(38:44):
again.
Okay.
Finally, I want to talk a littlebit about why getting sober is
the best decision I've evermade.
So all of the benefits that I'veexperienced in my life thus far
in the three years of gettingsober.
I want to start with theemotional growth and self
awareness that I've experiencedin my sobriety.
the journey of understanding andprocessing emotions without
(39:09):
relying on a substance has beenprobably the hardest part of my
sober journey.
There's a Harvard scientist, hername is Dr.
Jill Bolt Taylor.
She argues that feelings aremeant to share their message and
then leave the body.
Usually this happens in 90seconds.
90 seconds.
That's a minute and a half.
(39:30):
Feelings, and emotions are whatmostly I think cause people to
drink or relapse, right?
This emotion, this big feelingwashes over you and you feel
like you have to drink or youhave to do something in order to
not process or feel that.
Early sobriety, it was reallydifficult for me to emotionally
(39:51):
regulate how I opened up.
So felt, but more importantly,how I responded to said feeling
or emotion.
So once I learned that it reallyis only about 90 seconds that we
experience a feeling.
It's essential to be able topinpoint different strategies
that you can employ to distractyourself, distract your brain or
(40:13):
divert that feeling for a fewminutes.
It's not even like.
It needs to be for an hour, justsomething that's going to derail
this big emotion, withoutrelying on a substance.
And so this is where sobertoolkits come in handy.
I have a whole episode aboutsober toolkits that I'll link in
the show notes.
And it's just basically beingable to pull from certain
(40:36):
resources or be able to refer tocertain resources.
tools quite literally that couldbe journaling, that could be
going for a walk, that could bescreaming sometimes just to like
get that emotion out becausefeelings are once again supposed
to be released, another part interms of my emotional growth and
self awareness is just me reallylearning to give myself grace
(40:59):
and be patient And kind tomyself, especially during those
moments of vulnerability, thatnegative self talk has no place.
in your recovery or in yoursobriety.
It's only going to hinder anyprogress if you tell yourself
you're such a piece of crap.
You don't deserve this.
(41:19):
You're the worst, right?
I would have these, flashbacks,I'll say.
Flashbacks to things I didn'tI'd done in my past things that
were bad when I was drinking oreven like cringe and I would
relive in my brain those momentsand then guilt trip myself Like
how could you do that?
I'm talking things that happenedyears ago And i'm like, oh my
(41:40):
god You're such a like you'resuch a terrible person like who
would do that and then you startto spiral that is so unhelpful
That is so Unhelpful if you arenot in the place where you can
truly forgive yourself for yourpast indiscretions then fine But
there is no purpose in yousitting in that self pity or
sitting in that shame Especiallywhen you're getting sober or
(42:01):
you're trying your best anotherexample of this is if you have a
trigger In your sobriety, andthen you guilt yourself, or you
make yourself feel bad for evenhaving experienced that trigger.
It's like, no baby, you'reliterally doing the work.
So don't do that.
Please don't do that.
In general, my emotional growthand self awareness has really
improved and a big part of thatis just through self reflection
(42:25):
And then seeking professionalhelp when needed.
It is okay to need help.
I Have mentioned therapy hasbeen a consistent source of
strength for me.
I'm still in therapy I probablywill be in therapy forever I
never want to stop growingespecially along emotional You
Lines like, I need someone tocheck me.
(42:46):
I need someone to push mythinking.
And I think it's reallyimportant that you seek help
when needed.
I still think there's stigmarelated to mental health and
don't know why.
In 2024 we still feel ashamed toadmit that maybe we're in
therapy or that we need,medication to help regulate.
Some of our emotions or justmental health in general, but
(43:10):
there should not be any shameconnected to that.
So make sure that you're gettinghelp if you think that you could
benefit from that help.
And now a quick word from ourpartners.
It really feels like you'rehaving a moment, pun intended,
when you're sipping on thelovely and refreshing moment.
Now what I love about moment isthat not only does it taste
(43:31):
delicious, I have my favoriteflavors.
I love the blood orange.
I love the spicy mango, but it'salso good for you, which is
exactly what I need in my liferight now as I'm in my early
20s.
30s.
It's infused with L theanine,which is great for mental
clarity.
It also is packed withashwagandha, which is great for
(43:51):
helping to fight stress.
It's made with all of thesenatural botanicals, which really
enhances your vitality.
It does not contain any addedsugar.
It's caffeine and of coursealcohol free and you can
purchase it in still orsparkling.
I love a good sparkle moment sothat's typically the route I
take.
In the morning it's great for aboost to start the day versus in
(44:13):
the afternoon if you want tobeat that afternoon slump and
enhance your mental clarity.
Or if you just need like asimple pick me up, like for me,
I love to have a moment afterthe gym versus going into the
gym because it just really helpsre energize me.
And then in the evening, if youwant to wind down after a long,
busy day and enjoy a deliciousmocktail without the hangover,
(44:34):
then Moment is great for thattoo.
One of the best parts for mewith Moment is I feel like it's
a really conscientious brand.
They donate 1 percent of alltheir sales to mental health non
profits.
So you can feel good aboutsupporting greater causes as
well.
Head over to drinkmoment.
com and use my code TSB23 toreceive 12 percent off your very
(44:57):
first order.
Let's be moment buddies.
We can both have momentstogether.
the-sober-butterfly_3_0 (45:05):
Another reason why getting sober has
been the greatest decision in mylife is not just the emotional
growth in terms of myself, buteven my connection with other
people.
I've just learned to assertmyself more.
I think because I don't carryaround as much shame or guilt, I
feel less guilty.
Convicted in my decisions like Iknow what I'm doing I think so
(45:27):
much of my time spent in mydrinking days was me getting
drunk blacking out doing shittythings to other people, or
feeling like I was doing badthings to other people.
Really and truly, I was harmingmyself, probably above anyone
else, I was harming myself, butI didn't see it that way.
I think I just naturally havealways been very much of an
(45:47):
empath, slash people pleaser.
And I've just cared so muchabout like what other people
think of me.
I don't care so much about whatother people think of me anymore
because I know who I am.
I just have that self awarenesswhere it's like, I feel good
about who I am.
And if you don't like me, thenthat's okay.
Whereas When I was drinking andpartying and using, I wanted to
(46:08):
be liked so much and I waswilling to go to great lengths
to be liked.
And that, goes back to medrinking.
I felt like I was unlocking thisuninhibited side of myself that
could be the crazy, outgoingwild thing.
Person that would always have afun story to share the next day.
But the problem in that liesthat I used to forget what I
would do.
and therefore I would put myselfin compromising situations or
(46:31):
people who were hanging out withme felt like they had to take
care of me or always keep eyesor tabs on me because where's
Nadine?
Oh my God, she's missing.
So like, you know, that'sannoying.
I actually hate the phrase, Oh,drunken words or sober thoughts,
like I don't think that's true.
When people used to tell methings that I would say or do to
them when I was drinking, I feltterrible because I would be
(46:53):
like, I don't feel that wayabout you.
Actually, I don't.
I am not repressing theseemotions and then like, I hate
you.
I think I was just an angrydrunk.
At certain points.
If I passed a certain threshold,I would just attack, attack
anyone in sight.
I could have just met you andgone crazy because I was not
okay.
(47:13):
it wasn't necessarily areflection of how I felt about
my personal relationships.
And that's really hard toexplain to people.
That's really hard to, Explainand apologize for, especially
because you didn't mean what yousaid or what you did, but now
the other person thinks that youdid mean it or you do actually
feel that way about them.
So that was really difficult forme.
(47:34):
and I don't have to work throughthose uncomfortable apologies or
difficult conversations anymore,because simply when I say
something or when I dosomething, I mostly mean it.
99 percent of the time it'slike, I meant that.
And obviously I am mindful aboutdelivery tactics and you can
deliver truth with kindness andyou know, I probably need to
(47:55):
work on that better becausesometimes I think I can be too
direct.
However, for the most part Imean what I say and like that is
just so beautiful and powerful.
That's been a major benefit,which has strengthened my
relationships with peoplebecause I don't have those
anxiety moments where it's likeyou wake up literally sweating,
shaking, scared to look at yourphone.
(48:16):
Do you even have your phone?
Afraid of, doing the rundown oflike, Oh my God, did I offend
anyone?
Or did I do anything cringy andblah, blah, blah, this and that.
Like, I don't have to worryabout that.
And that has just given me suchpeace of mind that literally
cannot be quantified.
Like you cannot put a price onpeace of mind.
I've come to learn that.
And sobriety is showing me thattime and time again.
(48:37):
I don't know how I wasoperating.
the amount of apologies I'vegiven for things I don't
remember doing or saying is justlimitless at this point in my
history of drinking.
So happy that I don't have to dothat anymore.
Another benefit or anotherreason why I'm just like, this
is the best decision I've evermade in life is because I, Look
(48:59):
and feel better.
I would say I look betterbecause I do think I look better
I think it's tricky because megetting sober at 30.
I'm just you know getting olderSo things are changing within my
body and I have to be okay withthat change.
But also I'm trying to Optimizemy age.
(49:19):
I'm trying to age gracefully asmuch as I can And drinking just
we know does not aid well withPreserving yourself long term,
so I'm glad that I got soberwhen I did because I think I'm
just naturally preserving myselfbetter and by the way physical
Transformations my skin looksbetter truly looks better
(49:40):
something happened at 30 for mewhere I was experience for the
first time in my life, acne,adult acne, and I don't know why
that happened because I neverreally had issues with my skin
prior to turning 30 or aroundthat age.
and so when I gave up drinking,I did notice that my skin
gradually, it was not anovernight thing, let me be
(50:02):
clear, but gradually itimproved.
And now I'll come in closer.
I have like a little pimplehere, So like you guys can see,
I don't really have any.
blemishes or pimples on my skin90 percent of the time gradually
my body changed for the better.
But when I first got sober, likeso many other people, found
myself in this somewhat toxicrelationship with sugar.
(50:25):
And that's because when the bodyprocesses alcohol, it basically
converts it into sugar.
So it's quite normal toexperience sugar cravings when
you give up drinking, especiallywhen you drink often, like I
did.
I started to eat candy, like I'mnot even like a candy person,
but I would eat candy, andcookies, and ice cream, and
cake, and I gained some weightin the early days of my
(50:47):
sobriety, which was in factquite triggering for me as
someone who has struggled withbody dysmorphia and disordered
eating, so I almost was like,it's not worth it, like I need
to just go back to my Diet inthe 20s, which is drinking wine
for dinner some nights andsmoking cigarettes and like it
will balance itself out But Idid not do that.
(51:09):
I'm very happy that I did notdefault to old negative Drinking
and smoking and things like thatways but I did have to relearn
how to prioritize my health andthe things that I was doing in
my 20s obviously are not goingto necessarily serve me in my
30s.
And so it taught me, or it sentme on a journey to relearn how
(51:33):
to nourish my body.
And I'm very happy to reportthat I've lost all the weight
that I gained when I firstgained the weight in early
sobriety.
I would say it was about 10 tomaybe 12 pounds, and it's
completely gone.
I feel like I'm the mostsnatched I've been, since my
(51:54):
20s.
And, Yeah, that's just becauseI'm clearly not drinking.
I never have hangovers.
I don't have to skip a workoutbecause, you know, I drink too
much and then my hangover has ahangover.
So that's really like three daysof not working out from one
night of drinking.
Obviously, we know that alcoholslows your metabolism.
It doesn't get metabolizedproperly in your body.
(52:15):
So it's just not ever going tohelp you with any health goals
that you have, which is why Ithink alcohol is trash.
Just another reason why I thinkit's trash.
Trash but um, yeah, so I feelbetter.
I look better and my quality ofsleep has improved
Significantly, I know peopletalk about this but like let's
(52:36):
get into it a little bit more ISleep like a baby I used to
drink a lot mostly wine or passout from drinking hard liquor.
I would sleep, but the qualityof sleep was not good.
And then sometimes I'd have towake up in the middle of the
night to, you know, use thebathroom because I drank too
much.
And I just don't experiencethat.
(52:56):
Now, if I wake up in the middleof the night to use the
bathroom, it's because I drinktoo much water.
And then I fall peacefully backto sleep.
A lot of people think thatalcohol helps them sleep and I
don't want to get into thescience behind that, but yeah,
you might pass out, but passingout is not going to sleep.
It's not helping you have thebest REM sleep that you can
(53:17):
have.
It's basically knocking you outand then you wake up feeling
worse, at least I did, the dayafter.
The very last thing I'm going toshare, just in terms of why this
has been the best decision of mylife.
going back to this idea ofcommunity I have just met some
of the greatest people I've evermet in my life Through this
sober journey.
I mean that from the depths ofmy heart like people that are
(53:40):
just remarkable who Have suchresilience and intelligence, you
know, they say that addictionaffects everyone or can affect
anyone from The park bench toPark Avenue, right?
it walks all paths of life.
And there's something reallyhumanizing about that, that I
(54:00):
appreciate so much because, youcan look at someone, but never
judge that person by its cover.
you never truly know what'sgoing on.
That's what I find to be sobeautiful about this addiction
is that it does connect so manypeople.
And even if you yourself are notpersonally an alcoholic or you
(54:21):
don't think that you're aproblem drinker good for you I
can guarantee that, you know oneperson that struggles from
addiction and that is the Humanthread that connects all of us.
This disease is so much biggerthan you.
It's so much bigger than me Itis, for me, so awe inspiring
(54:42):
when I do connect with peoplewho have done the work.
They fucking did it.
They did the work, and they arehere to tell their story, and
that's why I will constantlytell my story.
I hope and pray that next yearI'll be talking to you guys
about four years of sobriety andjust all of the joys that I have
(55:03):
experienced because of mysobriety and some of the
hardship that I've had to workthrough and still consistently
work through because of myaddiction.
but I'm very happy to reportthat life has only gotten
better.
Don't know where I would be if Iwere still drinking, but I can
only imagine it would not beHere talking to you guys right
(55:25):
now sharing my truth and Livingmy dream my dream is to reach as
many people as I can to touchlives to leave impact and I get
to do that every day with thesober butterfly and today on my
soberversary three years, babywith you guys.
So thank you guys for listeningto my story.
Thank you for being here.
(55:46):
Thank you for helping mecelebrate three years of
sobriety.
I'm just.
Astonished by like how quicklyit went but also like how much
has happened in the in betweentime
the-sober-butterfly_2_07-05 (55:56):
I'm releasing this episode
intentionally on my sobriversarydate, which is July 5th, a
Friday, but in general, movingforward, I'm going to be
releasing episodes every singleFriday, faithfully, your girl
has been A little finicky, alittle bit all over the place,
but I'm going to just holdmyself accountable and publish
(56:19):
new episodes every Friday.
the-sober-butterfly_3_07-05- (56:20):
if you guys like today's episode,
Please do me a favor if youhaven't done so already and
leave a like five stars.
I'm a five star girly.
So leave me that five starrating and make sure you tune in
to new episodes of the soberbutterfly podcast every single
Friday.
Bye.
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Join Holly and Tracy as they bring you the greatest and strangest Stuff You Missed In History Class in this podcast by iHeartRadio.
3. Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations.