July 12, 2024 • 30 mins
In this episode of The Sober Butterfly, Nadine reflects on her third soberversary and delves into the challenges of comparing sobriety journeys. She discusses the psychological basis of the comparison trap, shares researched insights, and offers practical tips to avoid harmful comparisons, such as focusing on personal achievements, practicing self-compassion, and curating a supportive social media feed. Nadine also emphasizes the importance of gratitude journaling, mindfulness, professional help, and personal growth in maintaining a healthy and individualized sobriety journey.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
the-sober-butterfly_5_07 (00:03):
Hello, hello.
Welcome to The Sober Butterfly.
I'm Nadine, and today I'mtalking about something that's
been on my mind all week.
if you're following me onsocial, you probably have seen
already that I celebrated threeyears of sobriety recently.
July 5th, 2021 was mysoberversary date.
So yay.
Yay, me! However, I cite thatbecause, you know, when I
(00:25):
shared, oh, this is my threeyear sobriversary online, I was
met with an outpouring of love.
Lots of comments and DMs andcongratulations all around.
Something I did notice though,that wasn't what I was intending
to do or like, it wasn't aconversation I necessarily
wanted to start.
(00:46):
I noticed that people weredropping their soberversary
dates in the comments, which iscool.
I mean, can I have my moment?
I'm joking.
I'm so joking.
Like, it's great.
I'm so glad that people feltcompelled to share their day
counts or maybe they wereexcited about their upcoming
milestones and like, I'm all forcelebrating those things.
(01:07):
But it got me thinking, Are wecomparing our sobriety our sober
time to other people and if soWhat is the inherent danger of
doing so?
the-sober-butterfly_9_07-11- (01:17):
so for the first part of this
episode, I want us to try tounderstand a little bit more
about the comparison trap, whatthat really entails and why it
has negative implications to ouroverall health, especially in
regards to our sobriety.
the-sober-butterfly_7_07-1 (01:31):
I've done some research in
preparation for today's episodethat has broken down the science
behind why our brains default tocomparison mode.
our brain uses comparison tofigure out how we're going to
measure up to other people.
There's a professor oforganizational behavior, his
name is Thomas Musweiler.
I'm sorry if I said your namewrong, sir.
(01:53):
But he describes comparison thisway.
He says, it's one of the mostbasic ways we develop an
understanding of who we are,what we're good at, and what
we're not so good at.
So when I was first gettingsober or in the early stages of
my sobriety, I was looking tounderstand what sobriety really
meant.
looking to others to see howthey were doing it, how they
(02:16):
were living their best soberlives.
And I, you know, followedaccounts that were sober that
were mainly presenting, positiveaspects of sobriety.
Immediately I started to measuremy Success and sobriety by how I
saw other people how otherpeople were sharing their
journeys on social media, right?
I like Intrinsically was gradingmyself without even really truly
(02:39):
realizing it one of theinteresting parts about like
categorizing what we're good atversus what we're not so good at
in the context of understandingwho we are or how our sobriety
is being defined is most of thetime this calculation is made in
a split second.
In the background of our mindslike we don't even realize it
But then we start dwelling onthe highlights of other people's
(03:01):
lives aka, you know Mecelebrating my soberversary in a
very public way And this is whenthings can become quickly toxic
You know, we are wired forconnection and belonging, but if
we constantly are in a state ofcomparing ourselves to others,
we're actually putting ourhappiness, our confidence,
(03:22):
mental health, sobriety, even atrisk.
All right, let's get into it.
the-sober-butterfly_11_07 (03:30):
Let's break down ways in which you can
stop comparing your sobriety toother people.
the-sober-butterfly_12_07 (03:35):
Okay, so my very first tip for you is
focus on yourself, babe.
Focus on your own journey, yourown sobriety.
And a way in which you canactually do this is by
celebrating your achievements.
No matter how small, recognizeyour progress and remind
yourself of where you started.
Always go back to that day one.
(03:56):
Oh my god, for me, that day onewas hell.
I was hungover, I was tired, Iwas tired of being tired, and I
didn't think I could do it.
Look at me now.
Ex A number of years later, onceagain, don't compare my
sobriety.
Don't compare the number ofyears I have or the sober time I
have.
Just think about your day one.
(04:17):
And if today happens to be yourday one, congratulations, you've
just started an incrediblejourney and you should be so
proud that you're willing toeven take this first step.
So just keep that in mind.
You really want to focus onpersonalizing any milestones for
yourself.
One of my favorite episodes thisseason, I shouldn't have
favorites, but I do, was withPrakruthi.
(04:40):
And she talked about in herepisode, which was all about
reframing your mindset.
It was just incredible how shewas talking about celebrating
every month of sobriety.
So she had like over five or haslike over five years of
sobriety.
And by the way, another thingthat I love, which I love.
I have kind of alluded to, whichis this idea of like, you
(05:01):
personalize how you define yourown sobriety.
So Prakruti, for example, she'ssober from alcohol, from her
drug of choice, which wascocaine, from caffeine, from
marijuana.
I I am not sober from caffeine,like, I don't know if I'll ever
be sober from caffeine, but it'sjust the way that she's able to
acknowledge every aspect of herjourney, every milestone along
(05:26):
that pathway has been beautiful,and so, like, she has different
sober roastery dates is thepoint I'm trying to make, from
Her drug of choice from alcoholfrom marijuana from caffeine
it's beautiful that she apersonalizes what sobriety means
to her and then also She hasways in which she does all of
these cool things every singlemonth connected to her sobriety.
(05:47):
She involves her twin girls Andshe's done everything from
walking on coals of fire togoing out to dinner with her
girls, it's just really a niceway for you to commemorate your
progress and set personal goalsfor yourself, when you create
and work towards your goals.
Independent of other people'sachievements, they will just be
(06:09):
all the more fulfilling for youbecause it's how you've set your
own parameter of success.
That's my very first tip foryou.
Focus on your own journey.
the-sober-butterfly_13_07-11 (06:19):
my second tip is all around
practicing self compassion.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know what you're thinking.
I mean it.
You have to be kind to yourself.
You have to treat yourself withthe same kindness and
understanding that you wouldoffer your very best friend when
it comes to your sobriety.
And a good way that you can dothis is through positive
(06:39):
affirmations.
I'm all about journaling andpositive affirmations and
mantras really help get me tothat DeLulu stage that sometimes
you just need to be in.
You know that you're not alwaysgoing to feel your best or maybe
even show up as your bestversion of self, but that
doesn't mean that you can'tpractice positive self talk and
(07:00):
tell yourself that you are thatgirl.
I have post its litteredthroughout my apartment That I
take down if people come overbecause I don't want them to
think I'm crazy Which I actuallygot this idea from that show
Being Mary Jane with, um,Gabrielle Union?
And I think it was on BET, butshe was that girl.
She was crazy, but she was also,like, very successful.
(07:23):
Anyway, she was really into selfdevelopment, and she would
basically write all of thesenice things about herself.
Or the version of self sheaspired to be, and would post
them throughout her house.
That's what first put me ontothis idea of how powerful
visualization is.
If anyone wants some examples ofhow you can personalize your
(07:45):
affirmations to reflect yoursobriety, I do have a blog post
on my website, The SoberButterfly.
I will link that in the shownotes.
They're actually affirmationsfor spring, but I feel like
spring, summer, whatever I feellike spring or summer, it really
doesn't matter.
They're applicable even in thisseason.
So I will link those below foryou guys in the show notes in
(08:06):
case you want to see someexamples.
the-sober-butterfly_14_07-11- (08:11):
I need you to limit your social
media exposure I need you tounfollow or mute accounts that
make you feel inadequate.
I was actually texting with asober friend about this and she
was asking me if I had noticedan uptick of sober influencers
or former sober influencers whoactually went back to drinking.
(08:32):
I'm not going to name any names,but she shared some accounts
with me and I was like, damn,wow, I didn't realize this
person is drinking.
And like they deleted all oftheir sober, content that they
had before on their page.
And it might sound like I'mjudging them.
I'm not like, I don't care.
but she was saying that sheunfollowed those accounts.
And I'm like, good for youbecause yeah, like if you follow
(08:54):
someone.
under the pretense of sobriety.
And I shouldn't say pretense.
People are allowed to changetheir mind.
But if, you know, you changeyour mind or your sober
lifestyle status, then peopleare allowed to unfollow slash
unsubscribe to that.
And so I was proud of her fordoing so because she found it
triggering.
I'm still following a couple ofthe accounts because I'm kind of
(09:15):
curious.
I'm messy like that.
I'm like, I just want to see howthis, how this goes for this
person.
Like, I really wish them thebest, but like, personally, I
can't imagine ever going back todrinking, so I'm always like,
interesting.
Interesting that you made yourwhole, like, everything, like
your handle, all of your contentabout this, and now all of a
sudden you're having wine on thebeach, but cool.
(09:37):
Anyway, Limit your social mediaexposure, curate your feed to
match the energy that you arelooking to receive and take
breaks when needed.
the-sober-butterfly_8_07-1 (09:47):
more recently, I've been taking a
step back from being online.
you know, those weekly reportswhere they give you a rundown of
how much time you've beenspending.
on your phone and thenspecifically will give you a
breakdown of how much timeyou're spending on various apps.
For me, Instagram was throughthe roof.
(10:10):
I'm embarrassed to share howmany hours a day I was spending
on Instagram all in the name ofconnection Connection and
creation.
I thought as a content creator.
I needed to be on Instagram.
This is like my platform This ishow I'm sharing all of the
wonderful joys of sobriety Thisis how I'm connecting with other
people who are sober becausewhile I do actually have sober
(10:33):
friends in real life now I stillthink I default to a time in my
life three years ago when Ididn't know anyone sober in real
life.
So all of my connections werebasically based online.
So, you know, I was using thatas an excuse.
And then, I need inspirationand, you know, I need to know
what other people are creating.
I need to like connect andcomment.
And basically I was justdeluding myself into believing
(10:56):
that I needed to spend X numberof hours per day on Instagram.
And when I did the math, it justblew my mind.
How many hours a week that wasLet's try a month.
Let's try a quarter.
Let's try a year How many hoursper year was I spending on
(11:16):
Instagram?
So I share that to say I took astep back.
the-sober-butterfly_14_07- (11:20):
i've set clearer parameters around
when i'm getting online and whati'm sharing online And you know,
who knows maybe i'll take anextended break at some point in
my life.
Take breaks, reconnect withyourself and your journey.
It doesn't always have to be forthe gram.
Okay.
So my fourth tip for you guys isconnected to mindfulness and
(11:42):
meditation two things I Strugglewith i'm gonna keep it so honest
here I really really have a hardtime just being present.
I've taken meditation classesactually and The whole time this
is how bad I can be with this ori'm going to reframe This is how
(12:06):
much of an opportunity I have togrow in this area of my life As
i'm taking the meditationclasses i'm sitting there
thinking about what other peopleare thinking and if they're
actually Meditating because Ican't meditate and like I'm
listening to the instructor andI'm trying to be the perfect
student but I'm Critiquingmyself because I'm like, this is
not working so i'm not good atthis But i'm gonna try to use
(12:28):
meditation to quiet my mindbecause my mind is od Never
ending.
It's just like Blah, blah, blah,blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,blah, blah, blah.
Like I just sometimes wish Icould turn me off.
I've been told by people that Irespect and I think are very
(12:49):
successful and very smart that.
Meditation is the key.
So i'm gonna keep trying.
I just downloaded the calm appnot sponsored And I have not
started it.
Like when I say I justdownloaded it.
I literally mean today as I waspreparing for This episode i'm
(13:12):
like, yeah, I need to likeactually Do what I say I'm gonna
do so I downloaded the app.
I will get back to you as to howthat goes from what I can see It
has different goals you can setfor yourself So i'm just gonna
keep it simple and say fiveminutes a day five minute a day
girly here just get me in get meout and then of course with time
(13:34):
I can increase my meditationgoals, but for now Five minutes
even seems a bit ambitious ifi'm keeping it real with you
guys i'm like five minutes ofmeditating But I've been told
it's a good one because they'veguided practices.
So yeah, if you use the Calm appor if you have a better app that
you would recommend formeditating, let me know because
(13:54):
I need support at this point intime.
I have tried to meditate so manytimes on my own and assisted
with classes and they just donot work for me.
So I'm like, maybe I need to bein a quiet space that I feel
comfortable and maybe feel likeI have a little bit more control
over the environment to where Ican really lean in to this idea
of letting go.
(14:14):
Lean into letting go.
Hmm.
That's really hard for me.
Anyway, so yes, practicemindfulness and I'm right with
you.
We're going to practicemindfulness together.
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the-sober-butterfly_15_07-11 (16:07):
So an area of success that I am
experiencing in my life is allaround gratitude journaling or
journaling in general.
I have a five minute journalroutine that I do which I've
shared before but I'll shareagain The first thing I do when
I wake up is write three thingsthat I am grateful for it's
always, I'm grateful to wake upbecause I really don't take it
(16:27):
for granted.
I usually say I'm very gratefulfor my sobriety, but I think by
writing down what you'regrateful for each day, it's
forcing you to focus on thegratitude so that you can shift
your perspective from what youdon't have.
or what you think you're lackingto what you actually do have.
And once again going off of thisidea of comparing yourself to
(16:50):
others, a lot of that can bematerial.
A lot of that can be assumingthat other people have more than
us and therefore we are arelacking in some kind of way, and
if you believe you're lacking insome kind of way, then that will
be the reality for you.
You will always feel inadequate.
You will always feel lesser men.
(17:11):
You will always feel like yoursobriety isn't good enough
compared to maybe someoneelse's.
Have you guys ever looked backat an old journal?
It is one of the most,cathartic, cringe things you
could do for yourself, my god.
The earliest journal I have todate, that I'm in possession of,
is from 7th grade, and to thisday, I'm 33 years old, by the
(17:33):
way, I was 13 when I wrote thejournal, 12 13, I still read it
sometimes.
When I tell you, you want tohave a laugh?
You want to have a laugh?
The things that I cared about,it's just like crazy.
But I also do that in my notesapp one day, I want to like,
publish a book.
Just with some of the crazythings I've written in my notes
app.
But anyway, I kept a notes app.
(17:55):
I wasn't journaling so much inmy early sobriety as I currently
do now, but I would keep notesin my phone like a running
stream of conscious style, andit's crazy the things I used to
put down in writing.
It was really good in the momentbecause I was releasing a lot of
negative emotions that I wasprocessing or trying to process.
(18:16):
It's also like so dramatic.
I am dramatic.
I'm a dramatic person in caseyou can't tell but There's
levels.
There's levels to the drama, andI was on one.
I was just on a hundred backthen.
So, yeah.
Even, a few years later, I canreally appreciate the progress
(18:38):
from reviewing those pastjournals.
So keep a journal, if not, butjust to go back and look and
laugh one day at where you wereand be proud of how far you've
come.
the-sober-butterfly_10_07-1 (18:48):
One of the beautiful parts about
being a podcast host and havingthis platform is I've had the
opportunity to connect with somany different sober souls, and
just hearing people's uniquenessand their stories has been
really transformative in the waythat I perceive my own
uniqueness and my own journey.
Story around sobriety.
(19:10):
So I think the common threadthat connects so much of us in
this community is the fact thatyes, we don't drink or we don't
do drugs and we celebrate thator we try to embrace and
celebrate those things.
But I think it's also integralto understand that how I define
sobriety may not be how someoneelse defines sobriety and that's
(19:32):
okay.
That is totally fine.
the-sober-butterfly_16 (19:35):
Speaking of everyone's path being
different, my next tip for youis embracing your uniqueness.
Acknowledge your individuality.
Recognizing that there is no onesize fits all approach or
prescription to sobriety isimportant as well as identifying
your own personal strengths andreally honing in and focusing on
(19:56):
your strengths and your uniquequalities that have helped you
in sobriety.
By being true to yourself andworking on yourself, you can
help other people in variousways.
Okay.
My next tip for you is seekprofessional help.
Um, because you're crazy.
We're all crazy.
Seek professional help.
(20:17):
I have a therapist.
I actually haven't met with her.
All month and it's starting toreally take a toll my mental
health.
Listen.
My therapist is booked and busyI feel like she thinks i've made
so much progress and I have butsometimes i'm like I feel like
she's not Prioritizing me as aclient like we went from meeting
weekly to Bi weekly tell me whybi weekly can mean every other
(20:43):
week or twice a week.
It just makes no sense to me Imean it in the context of we
meet every other Week, so shewas she basically downgraded me
as a as a client.
She was like you're doing sowell We're gonna have you go
every other week, but I low keythink she just like found other
clients Because she's a hotcommodity.
(21:03):
Let me tell you, it was hard forme to even get in the doors.
I only really got in as a clientin COVID because she was remote
She's a huge part of why I'msober.
So gotta give that to her.
Anyway, seek professional help.
For me, therapy helps me staysober.
(21:24):
It very much helps me in allfacets of my mental health.
My therapist specializes inAddiction and recovery, so she's
really been able to help me, asmentioned, get sober, but also
just work through feelings ofinadequacy or comparison,
because, as mentioned, it's easyto compare yourself across all
(21:45):
walks of life.
Even if I'm not comparing mysobriety to other people, I
certainly compare my station inlife to other people.
I compare myself to my friends.
Oh, this person just bought ahouse or this person just got
engaged.
I compare myself to my family.
They have kids.
I'm 33 and I can't even, youknow, find a date on a Friday
(22:07):
night sometimes.
not somebody I actually want todate.
So yeah, it's easy to compareyourself as a point I'm making
to others in various aspects oflife.
And it's nice to have a trainedprofessional because our
girlfriends are great.
I got to give it to my girls,but they are not licensed
professionals.
Okay.
(22:28):
So let's just be clear.
They are not licensedprofessionals to give you advice
when it comes to, Certaintopics, we'll say, so keep That
in mind, it's nice to have atrained professional that you
pay that can act as a soundingboard.
Or you can find support groupsso you can join a support group
(22:49):
in Relation to sobriety a a is agreat free resource that you can
participate in Where you canshare your experiences and
receive feedback and feedbackNot always feedback in the way
because you're not reallysupposed to crosstalk, but you
can get a sponsor and Thatperson is helping you Supporting
(23:10):
you in a non judgmentalenvironment So yeah There are
different ways that you can seekprofessional help highly
recommend that to help you stopcomparing your sobriety To other
people or just stop comparingyourself to other people in
general Okay, two more tips foryou coming in hot limit your
(23:32):
comparison triggers.
What do I mean by that?
I I mean in order to limit yourcomparison triggers, you first
must be able to identify yourtriggers.
So just being aware ofsituations or people that are
triggering you to make thosecomparisons will help you to
minimize your exposure to them.
(23:54):
And once again, social media,that could look like muting
certain accounts if you don'twant to, you know, take the
plunge and completely unfollowpeople.
That could be the same thingwith friends, you know.
People, places, things, we knowthis mantra.
It's also from AA by the way, ifyou didn't know that.
So people, places, things, thoseare in connection to triggers,
just making sure that you'reaware of what things are
(24:17):
triggering you to drink ortriggering you to make
comparisons.
I'm just doing some selfreflection and I feel like
boundaries really fit nicelyhere when it comes to limiting
comparison triggers, especiallyin regards to people, because
sometimes you don't want to cutpeople off.
I've made the mistake of being abit too brash.
(24:38):
I think in my history ofrelationships and very black and
white thinking in terms of like,Snip snip bye you're gone, and I
have some regret.
I mean like not actual regret,but like in retrospect I'm like,
maybe I shouldn't have donethat.
I don't really believe inregret.
I think everything happens for areason.
I truly do so not quite regret,but definitely learning
(25:01):
opportunities and growth spotsfor me.
I think boundaries fit wellbecause instead of just cutting
people out, just set boundaries.
Simply create boundaries withpeople who may unintentionally
or intentionally make you feelless accomplished than them.
It's not always personal, likeit's not always like an attack
(25:25):
against you but sometimes wecan't help But feel a way about
someone else, what they said,how they act, whatever it may
be, just them simply existingcan be a trigger.
So knowing that, maybe you'rejust not in the right place at
this time or the season of lifein this era to where you can be
(25:47):
around that person.
But that doesn't mean it'sforever.
That doesn't mean that you cannever get closer to them again.
It just means right now you needto distance yourself a bit and
create that boundary.
Okay.
My very last tip for us is allabout focusing on personal
growth.
And this is really all aboutbeing a lifelong learner.
(26:11):
I am such a nerd when it comesto personal development and
reading and trying new things.
And I can be super competitive.
Talking about comparison, I'mcomparing myself to myself.
If we are worried about how westack up or measure against
someone else That's Intel that'sInformation that you can use to
(26:35):
improve yourself It's not alwaysa negative thing.
I know i've been talking a lotabout the negative aspects of
comparing yourself to othersComparing your sobriety to
others.
That's because I do thinkoverarchingly it is negative
However, there are opportunitiesfor you to recognize that maybe
you just don't like somethingabout yourself that you can fix
because You are capable ofchange Um, and that's the beauty
(26:59):
of sobriety.
I never thought i'd be capableof You Giving up or quitting
alcohol and here I am thrivingin sobriety So, really lean into
this idea of personal growth anddevelopment.
That can be reading newliterature around subject matter
that you're passionate about,finding a new hobby, learning a
new skill.
(27:20):
And then, similar to when youwere journaling or you're doing
your journal practice, you canreflect on that growth.
You should regularly check inwith your growth and how your
sobriety has overall positivelyimpacted your life.
I know I shared quite a fewtips, so I'll quickly run
through them again in case youwant to jot this down.
It's also in the show notes, asusual.
(27:42):
But here are some ways that youcan stop comparing your sobriety
to others.
One, I need you to focus on yourown journey to, I need you to
practice self compassion.
Three, limit your social mediaexposure.
Four is all about mindfulness,meditation, five, gratitude,
(28:02):
journaling, six connect withsupportive people, seven,
embrace your uniqueness, eight,seek professional help nine,
Limit comparison triggers.
And finally, 10 is focused onpersonal growth.
the-sober-butterfly_17_07-11- (28:23):
I hope you found today's episode
helpful.
I think a big takeaway that I'mhoping from this episode is that
you walk away knowing that youwere worthy, knowing that you
are that girl, knowing that youhave done the right thing.
The hard work already which isdeciding that you don't want to
continue drinking for whateverreason Just because drinking is
trash like that's simply putdrinking is terrible for you So
(28:46):
the fact that you made thatdecision to give sobriety a go
no matter where you are on yoursober journey is just super
impressive.
So many people Can't do whatyou're doing and that's not to
compare yourself to what otherpeople are doing No, it's just
to show you how wonderful andhow strong and exceptional you
are I want to end today'sepisode by for being a part of
(29:12):
this journey with me Also, thankyou.
I want to be clear.
I'm not taking for granted mysoberversary.
Thank you for the well wishesThank you for sharing your
soberversary dates with me.
I Cherish them like they are myown.
I mean that because this is acollective.
We are a part of a communityHowever, Celebrate every single
day like it really is one day ata time like there's a reason why
(29:34):
this is recited over and overagain It's so powerful to
remember that you're making thatchoice every day to show up for
yourself and be the best versionof yourself So be proud of that
and lastly make sure you'resigned up for my newsletter
shifting gears Make sure you aresigned up.
I'm bringing the newsletterback.
I know I've fallen up look at meFriday.
(29:56):
This episode is available.
Like I said, it would be andnext Friday expect another hot
episode dropping live and Thenewsletter is great because I go
a little bit more in depth andlet you know what else is going
on in my life as well as giveyou a A little bit more of a
rundown about the episode andalso make sure you are following
(30:16):
the show thank you for tuninginto the show.
If you're listening at home,also please think about leaving
me a five star review if youhaven't already done so.
Alright, I love you guys.
I'll see you next week.
Happy summer.
Hello, hello.
Welcome to The Sober Butterfly.
I'm Nadine, and today I'mtalking about something that's
been on my mind all week.
if you're following me onsocial, you probably have seen
already that I celebrated threeyears of sobriety recently.
July 5th, 2021 was mysoberversary date.
So yay.
Yay, me! However, I cite thatbecause, you know, when I
(00:25):
shared, oh, this is my threeyear sobriversary online, I was
met with an outpouring of love.
Lots of comments and DMs andcongratulations all around.
Something I did notice though,that wasn't what I was intending
to do or like, it wasn't aconversation I necessarily
wanted to start.
(00:46):
I noticed that people weredropping their soberversary
dates in the comments, which iscool.
I mean, can I have my moment?
I'm joking.
I'm so joking.
Like, it's great.
I'm so glad that people feltcompelled to share their day
counts or maybe they wereexcited about their upcoming
milestones and like, I'm all forcelebrating those things.
(01:07):
But it got me thinking, Are wecomparing our sobriety our sober
time to other people and if soWhat is the inherent danger of
doing so?
the-sober-butterfly_9_07-11- (01:17):
so for the first part of this
episode, I want us to try tounderstand a little bit more
about the comparison trap, whatthat really entails and why it
has negative implications to ouroverall health, especially in
regards to our sobriety.
the-sober-butterfly_7_07-1 (01:31):
I've done some research in
preparation for today's episodethat has broken down the science
behind why our brains default tocomparison mode.
our brain uses comparison tofigure out how we're going to
measure up to other people.
There's a professor oforganizational behavior, his
name is Thomas Musweiler.
I'm sorry if I said your namewrong, sir.
(01:53):
But he describes comparison thisway.
He says, it's one of the mostbasic ways we develop an
understanding of who we are,what we're good at, and what
we're not so good at.
So when I was first gettingsober or in the early stages of
my sobriety, I was looking tounderstand what sobriety really
meant.
looking to others to see howthey were doing it, how they
(02:16):
were living their best soberlives.
And I, you know, followedaccounts that were sober that
were mainly presenting, positiveaspects of sobriety.
Immediately I started to measuremy Success and sobriety by how I
saw other people how otherpeople were sharing their
journeys on social media, right?
I like Intrinsically was gradingmyself without even really truly
(02:39):
realizing it one of theinteresting parts about like
categorizing what we're good atversus what we're not so good at
in the context of understandingwho we are or how our sobriety
is being defined is most of thetime this calculation is made in
a split second.
In the background of our mindslike we don't even realize it
But then we start dwelling onthe highlights of other people's
(03:01):
lives aka, you know Mecelebrating my soberversary in a
very public way And this is whenthings can become quickly toxic
You know, we are wired forconnection and belonging, but if
we constantly are in a state ofcomparing ourselves to others,
we're actually putting ourhappiness, our confidence,
(03:22):
mental health, sobriety, even atrisk.
All right, let's get into it.
the-sober-butterfly_11_07 (03:30):
Let's break down ways in which you can
stop comparing your sobriety toother people.
the-sober-butterfly_12_07 (03:35):
Okay, so my very first tip for you is
focus on yourself, babe.
Focus on your own journey, yourown sobriety.
And a way in which you canactually do this is by
celebrating your achievements.
No matter how small, recognizeyour progress and remind
yourself of where you started.
Always go back to that day one.
(03:56):
Oh my god, for me, that day onewas hell.
I was hungover, I was tired, Iwas tired of being tired, and I
didn't think I could do it.
Look at me now.
Ex A number of years later, onceagain, don't compare my
sobriety.
Don't compare the number ofyears I have or the sober time I
have.
Just think about your day one.
(04:17):
And if today happens to be yourday one, congratulations, you've
just started an incrediblejourney and you should be so
proud that you're willing toeven take this first step.
So just keep that in mind.
You really want to focus onpersonalizing any milestones for
yourself.
One of my favorite episodes thisseason, I shouldn't have
favorites, but I do, was withPrakruthi.
(04:40):
And she talked about in herepisode, which was all about
reframing your mindset.
It was just incredible how shewas talking about celebrating
every month of sobriety.
So she had like over five or haslike over five years of
sobriety.
And by the way, another thingthat I love, which I love.
I have kind of alluded to, whichis this idea of like, you
(05:01):
personalize how you define yourown sobriety.
So Prakruti, for example, she'ssober from alcohol, from her
drug of choice, which wascocaine, from caffeine, from
marijuana.
I I am not sober from caffeine,like, I don't know if I'll ever
be sober from caffeine, but it'sjust the way that she's able to
acknowledge every aspect of herjourney, every milestone along
(05:26):
that pathway has been beautiful,and so, like, she has different
sober roastery dates is thepoint I'm trying to make, from
Her drug of choice from alcoholfrom marijuana from caffeine
it's beautiful that she apersonalizes what sobriety means
to her and then also She hasways in which she does all of
these cool things every singlemonth connected to her sobriety.
(05:47):
She involves her twin girls Andshe's done everything from
walking on coals of fire togoing out to dinner with her
girls, it's just really a niceway for you to commemorate your
progress and set personal goalsfor yourself, when you create
and work towards your goals.
Independent of other people'sachievements, they will just be
(06:09):
all the more fulfilling for youbecause it's how you've set your
own parameter of success.
That's my very first tip foryou.
Focus on your own journey.
the-sober-butterfly_13_07-11 (06:19):
my second tip is all around
practicing self compassion.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know what you're thinking.
I mean it.
You have to be kind to yourself.
You have to treat yourself withthe same kindness and
understanding that you wouldoffer your very best friend when
it comes to your sobriety.
And a good way that you can dothis is through positive
(06:39):
affirmations.
I'm all about journaling andpositive affirmations and
mantras really help get me tothat DeLulu stage that sometimes
you just need to be in.
You know that you're not alwaysgoing to feel your best or maybe
even show up as your bestversion of self, but that
doesn't mean that you can'tpractice positive self talk and
(07:00):
tell yourself that you are thatgirl.
I have post its litteredthroughout my apartment That I
take down if people come overbecause I don't want them to
think I'm crazy Which I actuallygot this idea from that show
Being Mary Jane with, um,Gabrielle Union?
And I think it was on BET, butshe was that girl.
She was crazy, but she was also,like, very successful.
(07:23):
Anyway, she was really into selfdevelopment, and she would
basically write all of thesenice things about herself.
Or the version of self sheaspired to be, and would post
them throughout her house.
That's what first put me ontothis idea of how powerful
visualization is.
If anyone wants some examples ofhow you can personalize your
(07:45):
affirmations to reflect yoursobriety, I do have a blog post
on my website, The SoberButterfly.
I will link that in the shownotes.
They're actually affirmationsfor spring, but I feel like
spring, summer, whatever I feellike spring or summer, it really
doesn't matter.
They're applicable even in thisseason.
So I will link those below foryou guys in the show notes in
(08:06):
case you want to see someexamples.
the-sober-butterfly_14_07-11- (08:11):
I need you to limit your social
media exposure I need you tounfollow or mute accounts that
make you feel inadequate.
I was actually texting with asober friend about this and she
was asking me if I had noticedan uptick of sober influencers
or former sober influencers whoactually went back to drinking.
(08:32):
I'm not going to name any names,but she shared some accounts
with me and I was like, damn,wow, I didn't realize this
person is drinking.
And like they deleted all oftheir sober, content that they
had before on their page.
And it might sound like I'mjudging them.
I'm not like, I don't care.
but she was saying that sheunfollowed those accounts.
And I'm like, good for youbecause yeah, like if you follow
(08:54):
someone.
under the pretense of sobriety.
And I shouldn't say pretense.
People are allowed to changetheir mind.
But if, you know, you changeyour mind or your sober
lifestyle status, then peopleare allowed to unfollow slash
unsubscribe to that.
And so I was proud of her fordoing so because she found it
triggering.
I'm still following a couple ofthe accounts because I'm kind of
(09:15):
curious.
I'm messy like that.
I'm like, I just want to see howthis, how this goes for this
person.
Like, I really wish them thebest, but like, personally, I
can't imagine ever going back todrinking, so I'm always like,
interesting.
Interesting that you made yourwhole, like, everything, like
your handle, all of your contentabout this, and now all of a
sudden you're having wine on thebeach, but cool.
(09:37):
Anyway, Limit your social mediaexposure, curate your feed to
match the energy that you arelooking to receive and take
breaks when needed.
the-sober-butterfly_8_07-1 (09:47):
more recently, I've been taking a
step back from being online.
you know, those weekly reportswhere they give you a rundown of
how much time you've beenspending.
on your phone and thenspecifically will give you a
breakdown of how much timeyou're spending on various apps.
For me, Instagram was throughthe roof.
(10:10):
I'm embarrassed to share howmany hours a day I was spending
on Instagram all in the name ofconnection Connection and
creation.
I thought as a content creator.
I needed to be on Instagram.
This is like my platform This ishow I'm sharing all of the
wonderful joys of sobriety Thisis how I'm connecting with other
people who are sober becausewhile I do actually have sober
(10:33):
friends in real life now I stillthink I default to a time in my
life three years ago when Ididn't know anyone sober in real
life.
So all of my connections werebasically based online.
So, you know, I was using thatas an excuse.
And then, I need inspirationand, you know, I need to know
what other people are creating.
I need to like connect andcomment.
And basically I was justdeluding myself into believing
(10:56):
that I needed to spend X numberof hours per day on Instagram.
And when I did the math, it justblew my mind.
How many hours a week that wasLet's try a month.
Let's try a quarter.
Let's try a year How many hoursper year was I spending on
(11:16):
Instagram?
So I share that to say I took astep back.
the-sober-butterfly_14_07- (11:20):
i've set clearer parameters around
when i'm getting online and whati'm sharing online And you know,
who knows maybe i'll take anextended break at some point in
my life.
Take breaks, reconnect withyourself and your journey.
It doesn't always have to be forthe gram.
Okay.
So my fourth tip for you guys isconnected to mindfulness and
(11:42):
meditation two things I Strugglewith i'm gonna keep it so honest
here I really really have a hardtime just being present.
I've taken meditation classesactually and The whole time this
is how bad I can be with this ori'm going to reframe This is how
(12:06):
much of an opportunity I have togrow in this area of my life As
i'm taking the meditationclasses i'm sitting there
thinking about what other peopleare thinking and if they're
actually Meditating because Ican't meditate and like I'm
listening to the instructor andI'm trying to be the perfect
student but I'm Critiquingmyself because I'm like, this is
not working so i'm not good atthis But i'm gonna try to use
(12:28):
meditation to quiet my mindbecause my mind is od Never
ending.
It's just like Blah, blah, blah,blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,blah, blah, blah.
Like I just sometimes wish Icould turn me off.
I've been told by people that Irespect and I think are very
(12:49):
successful and very smart that.
Meditation is the key.
So i'm gonna keep trying.
I just downloaded the calm appnot sponsored And I have not
started it.
Like when I say I justdownloaded it.
I literally mean today as I waspreparing for This episode i'm
(13:12):
like, yeah, I need to likeactually Do what I say I'm gonna
do so I downloaded the app.
I will get back to you as to howthat goes from what I can see It
has different goals you can setfor yourself So i'm just gonna
keep it simple and say fiveminutes a day five minute a day
girly here just get me in get meout and then of course with time
(13:34):
I can increase my meditationgoals, but for now Five minutes
even seems a bit ambitious ifi'm keeping it real with you
guys i'm like five minutes ofmeditating But I've been told
it's a good one because they'veguided practices.
So yeah, if you use the Calm appor if you have a better app that
you would recommend formeditating, let me know because
(13:54):
I need support at this point intime.
I have tried to meditate so manytimes on my own and assisted
with classes and they just donot work for me.
So I'm like, maybe I need to bein a quiet space that I feel
comfortable and maybe feel likeI have a little bit more control
over the environment to where Ican really lean in to this idea
of letting go.
(14:14):
Lean into letting go.
Hmm.
That's really hard for me.
Anyway, so yes, practicemindfulness and I'm right with
you.
We're going to practicemindfulness together.
And now a quick word from ourpartners.
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(14:36):
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I love the blood orange.
I love the spicy mango, but it'salso good for you, which is
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(14:57):
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It does not contain any addedsugar.
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I love a good sparkle moment sothat's typically the route I
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In the morning it's great for aboost to start the day versus in
(15:18):
the afternoon if you want tobeat that afternoon slump and
enhance your mental clarity.
Or if you just need like asimple pick me up, like for me,
I love to have a moment afterthe gym versus going into the
gym because it just really helpsre energize me.
And then in the evening, if youwant to wind down after a long,
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(15:40):
then Moment is great for thattoo.
One of the best parts for mewith Moment is I feel like it's
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They donate 1 percent of alltheir sales to mental health non
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Head over to drinkmoment.
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(16:03):
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Let's be moment buddies.
We can both have momentstogether.
the-sober-butterfly_15_07-11 (16:07):
So an area of success that I am
experiencing in my life is allaround gratitude journaling or
journaling in general.
I have a five minute journalroutine that I do which I've
shared before but I'll shareagain The first thing I do when
I wake up is write three thingsthat I am grateful for it's
always, I'm grateful to wake upbecause I really don't take it
(16:27):
for granted.
I usually say I'm very gratefulfor my sobriety, but I think by
writing down what you'regrateful for each day, it's
forcing you to focus on thegratitude so that you can shift
your perspective from what youdon't have.
or what you think you're lackingto what you actually do have.
And once again going off of thisidea of comparing yourself to
(16:50):
others, a lot of that can bematerial.
A lot of that can be assumingthat other people have more than
us and therefore we are arelacking in some kind of way, and
if you believe you're lacking insome kind of way, then that will
be the reality for you.
You will always feel inadequate.
You will always feel lesser men.
(17:11):
You will always feel like yoursobriety isn't good enough
compared to maybe someoneelse's.
Have you guys ever looked backat an old journal?
It is one of the most,cathartic, cringe things you
could do for yourself, my god.
The earliest journal I have todate, that I'm in possession of,
is from 7th grade, and to thisday, I'm 33 years old, by the
(17:33):
way, I was 13 when I wrote thejournal, 12 13, I still read it
sometimes.
When I tell you, you want tohave a laugh?
You want to have a laugh?
The things that I cared about,it's just like crazy.
But I also do that in my notesapp one day, I want to like,
publish a book.
Just with some of the crazythings I've written in my notes
app.
But anyway, I kept a notes app.
(17:55):
I wasn't journaling so much inmy early sobriety as I currently
do now, but I would keep notesin my phone like a running
stream of conscious style, andit's crazy the things I used to
put down in writing.
It was really good in the momentbecause I was releasing a lot of
negative emotions that I wasprocessing or trying to process.
(18:16):
It's also like so dramatic.
I am dramatic.
I'm a dramatic person in caseyou can't tell but There's
levels.
There's levels to the drama, andI was on one.
I was just on a hundred backthen.
So, yeah.
Even, a few years later, I canreally appreciate the progress
(18:38):
from reviewing those pastjournals.
So keep a journal, if not, butjust to go back and look and
laugh one day at where you wereand be proud of how far you've
come.
the-sober-butterfly_10_07-1 (18:48):
One of the beautiful parts about
being a podcast host and havingthis platform is I've had the
opportunity to connect with somany different sober souls, and
just hearing people's uniquenessand their stories has been
really transformative in the waythat I perceive my own
uniqueness and my own journey.
Story around sobriety.
(19:10):
So I think the common threadthat connects so much of us in
this community is the fact thatyes, we don't drink or we don't
do drugs and we celebrate thator we try to embrace and
celebrate those things.
But I think it's also integralto understand that how I define
sobriety may not be how someoneelse defines sobriety and that's
(19:32):
okay.
That is totally fine.
the-sober-butterfly_16 (19:35):
Speaking of everyone's path being
different, my next tip for youis embracing your uniqueness.
Acknowledge your individuality.
Recognizing that there is no onesize fits all approach or
prescription to sobriety isimportant as well as identifying
your own personal strengths andreally honing in and focusing on
(19:56):
your strengths and your uniquequalities that have helped you
in sobriety.
By being true to yourself andworking on yourself, you can
help other people in variousways.
Okay.
My next tip for you is seekprofessional help.
Um, because you're crazy.
We're all crazy.
Seek professional help.
(20:17):
I have a therapist.
I actually haven't met with her.
All month and it's starting toreally take a toll my mental
health.
Listen.
My therapist is booked and busyI feel like she thinks i've made
so much progress and I have butsometimes i'm like I feel like
she's not Prioritizing me as aclient like we went from meeting
weekly to Bi weekly tell me whybi weekly can mean every other
(20:43):
week or twice a week.
It just makes no sense to me Imean it in the context of we
meet every other Week, so shewas she basically downgraded me
as a as a client.
She was like you're doing sowell We're gonna have you go
every other week, but I low keythink she just like found other
clients Because she's a hotcommodity.
(21:03):
Let me tell you, it was hard forme to even get in the doors.
I only really got in as a clientin COVID because she was remote
She's a huge part of why I'msober.
So gotta give that to her.
Anyway, seek professional help.
For me, therapy helps me staysober.
(21:24):
It very much helps me in allfacets of my mental health.
My therapist specializes inAddiction and recovery, so she's
really been able to help me, asmentioned, get sober, but also
just work through feelings ofinadequacy or comparison,
because, as mentioned, it's easyto compare yourself across all
(21:45):
walks of life.
Even if I'm not comparing mysobriety to other people, I
certainly compare my station inlife to other people.
I compare myself to my friends.
Oh, this person just bought ahouse or this person just got
engaged.
I compare myself to my family.
They have kids.
I'm 33 and I can't even, youknow, find a date on a Friday
(22:07):
night sometimes.
not somebody I actually want todate.
So yeah, it's easy to compareyourself as a point I'm making
to others in various aspects oflife.
And it's nice to have a trainedprofessional because our
girlfriends are great.
I got to give it to my girls,but they are not licensed
professionals.
Okay.
(22:28):
So let's just be clear.
They are not licensedprofessionals to give you advice
when it comes to, Certaintopics, we'll say, so keep That
in mind, it's nice to have atrained professional that you
pay that can act as a soundingboard.
Or you can find support groupsso you can join a support group
(22:49):
in Relation to sobriety a a is agreat free resource that you can
participate in Where you canshare your experiences and
receive feedback and feedbackNot always feedback in the way
because you're not reallysupposed to crosstalk, but you
can get a sponsor and Thatperson is helping you Supporting
(23:10):
you in a non judgmentalenvironment So yeah There are
different ways that you can seekprofessional help highly
recommend that to help you stopcomparing your sobriety To other
people or just stop comparingyourself to other people in
general Okay, two more tips foryou coming in hot limit your
(23:32):
comparison triggers.
What do I mean by that?
I I mean in order to limit yourcomparison triggers, you first
must be able to identify yourtriggers.
So just being aware ofsituations or people that are
triggering you to make thosecomparisons will help you to
minimize your exposure to them.
(23:54):
And once again, social media,that could look like muting
certain accounts if you don'twant to, you know, take the
plunge and completely unfollowpeople.
That could be the same thingwith friends, you know.
People, places, things, we knowthis mantra.
It's also from AA by the way, ifyou didn't know that.
So people, places, things, thoseare in connection to triggers,
just making sure that you'reaware of what things are
(24:17):
triggering you to drink ortriggering you to make
comparisons.
I'm just doing some selfreflection and I feel like
boundaries really fit nicelyhere when it comes to limiting
comparison triggers, especiallyin regards to people, because
sometimes you don't want to cutpeople off.
I've made the mistake of being abit too brash.
(24:38):
I think in my history ofrelationships and very black and
white thinking in terms of like,Snip snip bye you're gone, and I
have some regret.
I mean like not actual regret,but like in retrospect I'm like,
maybe I shouldn't have donethat.
I don't really believe inregret.
I think everything happens for areason.
I truly do so not quite regret,but definitely learning
(25:01):
opportunities and growth spotsfor me.
I think boundaries fit wellbecause instead of just cutting
people out, just set boundaries.
Simply create boundaries withpeople who may unintentionally
or intentionally make you feelless accomplished than them.
It's not always personal, likeit's not always like an attack
(25:25):
against you but sometimes wecan't help But feel a way about
someone else, what they said,how they act, whatever it may
be, just them simply existingcan be a trigger.
So knowing that, maybe you'rejust not in the right place at
this time or the season of lifein this era to where you can be
(25:47):
around that person.
But that doesn't mean it'sforever.
That doesn't mean that you cannever get closer to them again.
It just means right now you needto distance yourself a bit and
create that boundary.
Okay.
My very last tip for us is allabout focusing on personal
growth.
And this is really all aboutbeing a lifelong learner.
(26:11):
I am such a nerd when it comesto personal development and
reading and trying new things.
And I can be super competitive.
Talking about comparison, I'mcomparing myself to myself.
If we are worried about how westack up or measure against
someone else That's Intel that'sInformation that you can use to
(26:35):
improve yourself It's not alwaysa negative thing.
I know i've been talking a lotabout the negative aspects of
comparing yourself to othersComparing your sobriety to
others.
That's because I do thinkoverarchingly it is negative
However, there are opportunitiesfor you to recognize that maybe
you just don't like somethingabout yourself that you can fix
because You are capable ofchange Um, and that's the beauty
(26:59):
of sobriety.
I never thought i'd be capableof You Giving up or quitting
alcohol and here I am thrivingin sobriety So, really lean into
this idea of personal growth anddevelopment.
That can be reading newliterature around subject matter
that you're passionate about,finding a new hobby, learning a
new skill.
(27:20):
And then, similar to when youwere journaling or you're doing
your journal practice, you canreflect on that growth.
You should regularly check inwith your growth and how your
sobriety has overall positivelyimpacted your life.
I know I shared quite a fewtips, so I'll quickly run
through them again in case youwant to jot this down.
It's also in the show notes, asusual.
(27:42):
But here are some ways that youcan stop comparing your sobriety
to others.
One, I need you to focus on yourown journey to, I need you to
practice self compassion.
Three, limit your social mediaexposure.
Four is all about mindfulness,meditation, five, gratitude,
(28:02):
journaling, six connect withsupportive people, seven,
embrace your uniqueness, eight,seek professional help nine,
Limit comparison triggers.
And finally, 10 is focused onpersonal growth.
the-sober-butterfly_17_07-11- (28:23):
I hope you found today's episode
helpful.
I think a big takeaway that I'mhoping from this episode is that
you walk away knowing that youwere worthy, knowing that you
are that girl, knowing that youhave done the right thing.
The hard work already which isdeciding that you don't want to
continue drinking for whateverreason Just because drinking is
trash like that's simply putdrinking is terrible for you So
(28:46):
the fact that you made thatdecision to give sobriety a go
no matter where you are on yoursober journey is just super
impressive.
So many people Can't do whatyou're doing and that's not to
compare yourself to what otherpeople are doing No, it's just
to show you how wonderful andhow strong and exceptional you
are I want to end today'sepisode by for being a part of
(29:12):
this journey with me Also, thankyou.
I want to be clear.
I'm not taking for granted mysoberversary.
Thank you for the well wishesThank you for sharing your
soberversary dates with me.
I Cherish them like they are myown.
I mean that because this is acollective.
We are a part of a communityHowever, Celebrate every single
day like it really is one day ata time like there's a reason why
(29:34):
this is recited over and overagain It's so powerful to
remember that you're making thatchoice every day to show up for
yourself and be the best versionof yourself So be proud of that
and lastly make sure you'resigned up for my newsletter
shifting gears Make sure you aresigned up.
I'm bringing the newsletterback.
I know I've fallen up look at meFriday.
(29:56):
This episode is available.
Like I said, it would be andnext Friday expect another hot
episode dropping live and Thenewsletter is great because I go
a little bit more in depth andlet you know what else is going
on in my life as well as giveyou a A little bit more of a
rundown about the episode andalso make sure you are following
(30:16):
the show thank you for tuninginto the show.
If you're listening at home,also please think about leaving
me a five star review if youhaven't already done so.
Alright, I love you guys.
I'll see you next week.
Happy summer.
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