In this episode of The Sober Butterfly podcast, Nadine sits down with Danay Jones, the founder of Sober Girls Houston, for an insightful conversation on the journey to sobriety and the creation of a supportive community for sober women.
We also get into:
- Life Before Sobriety:
- Danay opens up about her life before getting sober, sharing personal experiences and challenges she faced while navigating addiction.
- When the Party is Over:
- Delving into the realities of addiction, Danay and Nadine discuss the moment when the party lifestyle loses its allure and the journey towards sobriety begins.
- Founding Sober Girls Houston:
- Learn about the inspiration behind Sober Girls Houston and how Danay founded this empowering community for women seeking sobriety.
- The Importance of Representation:
- Danay and Nadine highlight the significance of Black representation in the sobriety community, discussing the unique challenges and perspectives faced by Black women on their journey to recovery.
- Supportive Networks:
- The conversation explores the role of supportive networks in the recovery process, emphasizing the importance of community and connection in maintaining sobriety.
- Empowering Women:
- Discover how Sober Girls Houston empowers women to embrace sobriety, fostering a safe and inclusive space for growth, healing, and self-discovery.
- Looking Ahead:
- Danay shares her vision for the future of Sober Girls Houston and her ongoing commitment to supporting women on their journey to sobriety.
- Closing Thoughts:
- As the conversation comes to a close, Danay and Nadine reflect on the power of vulnerability, resilience, and hope in overcoming addiction and building a brighter future.
Connect with Danay and Sober Girls Houston:
- Website: https://www.sobergirlshouston.com/
- Instagram: @sobergirlshtx @randomly_rude
Connect with Nadine:
- Follow on IG: @the.soberbutterfly @soberbutterflypodcast
- Follow on TikTok @the.soberbutterfly
- Subscribe to YouTube channel
- Subscribe to our monthly newsletter, https://thesoberbutterfly.com/
Tune in to The Sober Butterfly podcast for more inspiring conversations and stories of transformation on the journey to sobriety. Don't forget to subscribe and leave a five-star review!
Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services refereed to in this episode.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (00:02):
Hello, and welcome to the show.
This is the sober Butterflypodcast and I am your host,
Nadine Mulvina.
And today we have a very specialguest.
We have Miss Denae Jones in thebuilding, or in the studio,
virtually.
In the house.
In the house.
I was going to say in the house,actually, but Denae, I feel like
(00:24):
this is a long time coming.
We've been friends on Instagramfor a while.
I've been admiring all of theamazing work that you're doing
with Sober Girls Houston.
And I just really am excited tohave you talk a little bit today
about So I'm really excited tohave you on the show today
because we're going to talkabout a parts of your story and
be what building community lookslike in sobriety, because we
(00:45):
know that connection is soimportant.
So I'm really right.
Thank you for being here.
And we were kind of talkingabout backstage how you're not
in Houston anymore.
We'll get into all of that.
But you're 90s in Tulsa.
So I want to hear your on thatas well.
Danay @soberinhouston (01:03):
Yes, absolutely.
We can definitely get into allof that.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (01:06):
So, okay, Denae, let's just jump right
into it.
I would love to kind of framethis episode, just learning a
little bit more about what lifewas like for you before
sobriety.
So I know that you've been soberfor quite some time, but what
does life look like for Denae interms of some early associations
with drinking?
Or I keep it open drug ofchoice.
(01:26):
Like for me, it wasn't justalcohol, but like alcohol was
the main thing.
But yeah, what was life like foryou before getting sober?
Danay @soberinhouston (01:33):
Yeah.
So like I moved to Houston whenI was like, basically 21, I was
20 going on 21.
And before that I had lived inAlabama, a very college town.
We have the university ofAlabama there.
So like I've parallel my lifewith drinking as like the
college atmosphere.
Right.
But just started earlier,because I was going to high
(01:54):
school in Alabama, and it wasjust automatically just a party
lifestyle, a small town, but youcould just try everything.
So when I moved to Houston,which was this big city, I just
wanted to be a part ofeverything.
There were, different type ofparties on different sides of
town, and it was just like, wow,there's just, so much to try to
(02:14):
learn, to find out.
And so I think once I turned 21,it really got out of control.
It was more not just on theweekends.
It was as soon as I got homefrom work, I used any excuse I
needed to drink, it's raining.
All right, let me get some wine.
It's been a busy day, right?
Let's go ahead and go to happyhour.
But happy hour just really neverended.
(02:36):
And it just became like a totalroutine.
That's usually how it starts.
You just start with every oncein a while till it becomes every
day.
And I was working with a lot ofmedical doctors.
So there were like drug reps,right, that were offering to pay
for happy hours and paying for,those few moments that they
could learn about the physician.
(02:57):
I had never experienced thattype of Experience going to
these really bougie, fancyrestaurants, as a 21 year old.
So it was just like the culture,the fast pace that kind of
lifestyle.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (03:12):
I can relate to parts of your story
just in the sense of going tocollege in a smaller town and
then relocating to a biggercity.
And.
Right.
Like a shift, it seems where itgoes from this is fun.
This is normalized because I'myoung to, oh, this is like a
daily occurrence that May beunhealthy, but maybe you're also
not in a place where you'reready to confront yourself.
(03:35):
Yeah.
With yeah.
Nobody else is right.
Especially, like a young, beingin your young twenties or being
in your twenties and it soundslike your profession lended
itself to also drinking.
And then when you said happyhour, I'm just like, I don't
know why I've never had thisrealization before you said
happy hour, but like the coupleof times you said it, I was
like, it's never really happy.
(03:55):
Like it's happy when you getthere, it's never really an
hour.
So it's just it's thiscontinuation usually for people
like me, at least where it's itnever ends happy.
It's never just an hour, is whatI realized.
So was there a moment we often,say rock bottoms, did you have
anything similar to that?
Or a situation that led you tosobriety?
Danay @soberinhouston (04:17):
Yeah.
I was in Houston for over 15years.
So, especially like I said, whenI turned 21, it was just like,
you're 21.
So of course you can drink andgo out and party.
But of course these were biggerclubs and, bigger atmosphere
than I was used to.
And that's a lifestyle all initself.
The scene of being out at clubsand things like that.
(04:37):
So for me, I kind of stayed inthat, for almost like 10 years
or so, at least over a decade.
Because like you mentioned, likehappy hour, nothing about it was
happy, but all your friends arestill doing it every day.
The circle that I kept, theywere still getting up and going
out.
So it just felt like that's whatwe're supposed to be doing for a
while, but there were many timeswhere I would get I went and did
(05:01):
some site care because I had tobe hospitalized because my
mental health was also just allover the place.
I was arrested a few times.
And even with all of thesemoments, you would think I would
say, okay this might be a littlebit.
This is a lot.
This is extreme.
I'm an only child, so it's justme and my mom.
My dad passed away from anoverdose when I was like 14.
(05:23):
And my mom also was an addict,and she's been sober now since I
was six.
So even knowing it's hereditary,it's in your family.
These were still not enoughwarning signs for me.
It finally took for me duringCovid it to have no other choice
but to sit and look at myselfand try to figure out what goals
(05:44):
do I have in life?
Who are you?
Who do you want to be?
There's nothing but comparisonand things like that during that
time.
And I realized if you want to dosomething with your life, you're
gonna have to make a change.
And the only thing that'sholding you back is alcohol.
The only thing that's keepingyou from reaching any of your
potential is drinking.
The thing that causes the mostproblems between you and your
(06:05):
family and friends is alcohol,and I had tried a few times
before this, but this time I wasdone.
I was done.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (06:14):
That's really powerful.
I'm really sorry to hear aboutyour dad passing away.
I'm also an only child.
My dad also passed away.
So I have a very closerelationship with my mom and the
hereditary aspect of addictionruns deep in my family as well.
It's interesting though, becauseI'm curious to learn, like when
you've had these run ins withthe law or the confrontations,
but you know, we've all haddrunk fights with people or
(06:37):
arguments.
Right.
That are disrupting our life.
You were making excuses foralcohol because like, how do you
overlook that?
Because I too have been insituations, very compromising
situations where it's alcoholwas obviously the common, but
yet I didn't, I wasn't ready ordidn't want to confront my
(06:59):
addiction or my relationshipwith alcohol.
So how did you kind of.
I guess move forward from thosesituations with knowing that
alcohol was a part of that.
Or did you make that connection?
Danay @soberinhouston (07:12):
Right.
I mean, I feel like early onI've always had friends that
were older than me, like atleast five or 10 years.
And so when I would go out withthem, they would always say you
need to calm down.
You're doing too much.
They always kind of referred tome as the baby.
And so In my head, it kind ofbabied me as well.
I kind of felt Oh, I'm young.
(07:33):
I'm cute.
I'm the baby.
This is normal.
And even when, like you said,those aspects of getting
arrested or having thosemoments, I would kind of put it
off as I just got too messed upthat night.
I can control it.
And I also really believe thatto be a real alcoholic and also
from my experience with mymother, from what I remember,
(07:53):
she drank every single day.
I very vividly remember herhaving a cooler in the back of
her truck all the time.
Always full.
It always had her beer in there.
You know what I mean?
She never went moments, hourswithout the chance of having
alcohol.
So for me, I'm thinking if Ionly drink, I get like really
cute.
And I go take myself out todinner or on dates.
(08:16):
And then I come back home andjust keep drinking until I black
out, or blacking out was alwaysthe goal.
And I kind of feel like thatwas, very trivialized in media.
It's all we've known growing up.
So it was hard to see it was aproblem because you're taught so
much that it isn't, yeah,
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (08:36):
like You dismissing your relationship
with alcohol because it didn'tlook the way that your mother's
relationship presented itself.
And so it's easy to sort ofmask.
I did the same thing where itwas like I'm not sitting at home
by myself drinking, even thoughI didn't at certain points, but
like also like I use age youthas an excuse to ping you on this
(08:59):
trajectory of it's, different.
I'm different.
I like reality is we know.
That by nature, alcoholism is aprogressive disease, right?
So it's not going to just hityou in the face day one, but if
you get it, it's over time thatyou may be in a similar
situation as someone that youlove or care about who's also
(09:22):
afflicted by this.
So it's an environment.
Danay @soberinhouston (09:26):
Yeah.
Is your, let me ask you this is,does your mom or like your
grandfather or grandmother alsosuffer from addiction?
Like on your mom's side, anybodyin her family?
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (09:35):
Yeah.
It's yeah.
It's all in there.
It's my my mom actually came onthe podcast.
This season.
I love that.
She's not she doesn't embracethe same terminology, but she
admitted that she had a problemwith alcohol.
I am, I'm fully okay with sayingthat I'm an alcoholic because I
feel like it keeps me humble.
It keeps me grounded in doingthe work.
(09:58):
I don't really care about thelabel of it.
I just need that, like notdelude myself into thinking that
I don't have a problem, but justat the very least like I have a
problem.
So that and then her mother alsodefinitely my famous Caribbean,
not to blame it on the Jamaicanside things, but definitely I
think culturally it was moreaccepting to drink, rum, for
(10:21):
example, straight.
So yeah, it's definitelysomething that very much is
prevalent on my mom's side.
Danay @soberinhouston (10:30):
Yeah, I think that's cultural too,
because it's cultural alsobecause like my grandfather also
had a problem with addictionwith drinking and it was part of
their culture.
Like they were from Alabama.
So, I remember being reallylittle me and my cousins, my
grandfather would take us to thepark and we would pick
dandelions for him.
And I remember Oh my God, thisreally sweet moment, my
(10:50):
grandfather picking dandelionsand we'd bring them to him.
He's going upstairs makingdandelion wine.
And selling it to his churchcongregation.
You know what I mean?
And this was new to mygeneration, but my mom lived
this, you know what I mean?
So, when you see it, like wewere talking about our
grandparents, like they see it,it just keeps on doing the same
cycle.
(11:11):
And I think the same for us, wesaw it.
And so we do the same cycle, butwe're also always judging
ourselves and comparing how deepof a addiction we have oh I'm
not upstairs making wine, so I'mgood.
Yeah,
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (11:27):
I definitely think that that plays
a role, but tell us a little bitabout what life was like getting
sober in COVID when you were,when it sounds like you were
forced to Confront yourself andreckon sit with yourself around
what's been going on behind thescenes.
Danay @soberinhouston (11:40):
Yeah I mean, I spent a lot of time
trying and failing, because oneof the big things for me and
also a reason why I reallycreated Sober Girls Houston, I
felt like I was having a lot ofFOMO.
Watching all my friends, you gotsocial media watching them go
out.
And I was just like, damn, Ican't do that anymore.
Like jealousy of it.
And, kind of trying to brainwashmyself and make myself think
(12:01):
that you can still go, you justneed one or two, which would
never happen.
Right.
So there were plenty of timeswhere I tried and I would start
to lie to myself.
I would say, Oh I don't needthis or I don't need that, but
still continue to do it.
So finally, when I was duringCOVID, it was, I had lost my
job.
Both of them.
(12:22):
I had to move back in with mymom.
And I'm like living in thishouse with my mom feeling what
is happening with time?
Am I 15 again, 16?
And I was definitely drinkingmore because my job was doing
like zoom happy hours cause wecouldn't get together.
Right.
Yeah.
Right.
So as soon as the zoom was over,I've got this whole bottle of
(12:42):
freaking vodka.
Of course it's not going to goto waste.
And there was one particular daywhere I came downstairs and my
mom was just, she couldn't lookat me.
She couldn't really talk to me.
Something was off, and I hadseen that look before, so I knew
it was something I had done.
And She just said, I don't knowwhat you were on or what you
(13:02):
were doing last night, but Iwould wish that you wouldn't do
it anymore while you're aroundme.
And that was it for me, becauseI was completely done with
hurting the people I love,having people look at me with
despair and sadness and just, Igot so used to understanding
when people's shoulders woulddrop just with disappointment,
(13:24):
the body language.
And I was sick of that shithappening to me.
They didn't deserve it.
I deserved more.
And so that was the time when Isaid no more.
And this is my longest period ofsobriety ever.
And I'm 37, I think it's like,everybody's rock bottom is
different.
Everybody's.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (13:44):
That's beautiful.
I actually love your rock bottommoment because, I think so often
we assume it's, oh, you loseyour house, you lose your job,
whatever, but like When you losethe respect or the patience of
someone that you care about,that can be just, if not,
sometimes more impactful.
And you're actually bringing meback, I never even thought about
it like that the disappointment,because you can't even remember,
(14:07):
that's like the worst part,right, where you black out and
you have no recognition, but youjust know, like you said, you
just look at someone and look atsomeone and see how you've let
them down or hurt them, andthat, I don't know.
Actually, like I'm getting alittle emotional.
Like I hated that now.
And it's you don't know what todo, how to fix it until you fix
(14:28):
yourself.
And then that's the part I wasalways missing.
Right.
Cause I would never take.
Inventory of the real impact Idid to then say, okay, alcohol
is the culprit that meansdrinking that was never on the
table, right?
It was just like, I'm not goingto get so drunk next time.
And then of course that neverhappened.
Yes.
It was just like, right.
(14:49):
That took me back to a placethat like, is not a fond place,
but it's necessary to recognizethose moments.
Danay @soberinhouston (14:57):
The shame monster is
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (14:58):
what it is, but the thing about it is
shame keeps people stuck, right?
Because then it's you feel sobad and when you have an
unhealthy relationship withalcohol, then it makes you want
to drink more to alleviate thatshame when you need to sit with,
you need to sit, you need to sityour butt down and feel the
feelings.
(15:19):
So that you can get to the otherside, but that's the really hard
part, and that's what I thinkthe perpetual cycle that keeps
so many of us sick.
So yeah, something in your mom'seyes that day, it sounds like
really got you to a place ofrealizing, okay, I don't want
this for myself or for thepeople around me that I care
about.
So then what steps, what wereyour necessary next steps?
(15:41):
Walk us through those.
Danay @soberinhouston (15:43):
Yeah.
Like I said, this wasn't myfirst time.
It wasn't my first rodeo.
Before when I had tried, like Ihad to get hospitalized many
years back before this.
And when I got out, they gave meanti abuse, which was, the drug
that you can take that if you dodrink, you will get sick.
Right.
So, right.
I had experience with thatbefore.
And I thought about getting backon that again.
(16:05):
But it was again during COVIDand that was just, Too much of a
hassle.
I couldn't get seen all that.
So I was literally stuck withnobody but myself.
There was nothing but will anddetermination.
I couldn't get medication.
I couldn't get a doctor.
It's COVID.
People are trying to survive atthe bare minimum.
So I just changed my habits.
I understood that it's just likea mechanism of the same thing
(16:27):
over and over again, just likesmoking, just like anything
else.
And you replace that time whenyou would usually drink with
something else, like a hobby or,move your body or something like
that.
So I really worked on that.
Working out, eating well.
I became obsessed with making myown meals.
I did whole 30 where, youcompletely change the way you
(16:47):
eat your relationship with food.
And did a lot of self checkingin, I would write on a mirror
Every day, my goal for that day,I just focused on me and myself
only.
I didn't give a fuck about whatanybody else was doing, what
they thought about what I wasdoing.
I didn't even ask their opinion.
It was a total only me moment.
(17:08):
So I was just very much In myown until I felt comfortable
enough to speak about what I wasdoing.
I think you have to get to aplace where you feel comfortable
letting someone else knowbecause you don't even know who
your circle is yet who you cantrust in this fragile state.
So just that was a completelydifferent way of handling
sobriety than I did before forme.
(17:31):
And I think that helped a lot.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (17:33):
I feel like the beauty for you was that
you were given a little bit offreedom.
the space to invest in yourselfand pour into yourself in a way
that would be meaningful.
And I believe that, I have anaddict brain and the beauty of
the addict brain for me is thatI tend to obsess about things.
And it could be good things orbad things.
(17:53):
So when I was drinking, I wasobsessed about drinking and
parties.
When I was going to get my nexthigh, basically, I wanted to
feel something.
Versus when I got sober, Ipoured into myself in other
ways.
And so it sounds like you pouredinto yourself and you got really
fixated on addiction, but in ahealthy way, like finding
(18:15):
alternatives as opposed tocaring about what the world
thinks or caring about likeanything that was related to
alcohol.
Do you believe the idea ofremoving triggers that come in
the form of the mantra people,places, things like, did you
have to like, did you have tochange some of your routines and
like the people that youwouldn't maybe associate with
COVID and stuff?
(18:36):
Yeah.
Danay @soberinhouston (18:38):
People, places and things is super
important.
I was lucky enough to get a joblike towards the end of when,
like 2021 maybe like after theyear after COVID started.
So I was able to get a job.
I was able to save up and get anew place.
So everything was new for me.
It worked out perfectly.
That wasn't part of the plan,but it was God's plan because I
had a new environment.
(18:59):
I had new space, new people, andI could introduce myself as a
sober person.
These people hadn't seen me passout in my bushes outside, so I
could be the person I alwayswanted to be starting That day.
So yeah, people, places, andthings was super important to
me.
I couldn't take certain routesthat I used to take to get
(19:19):
places because I would pass thatliquor store that I always go
to.
And it took my body reacting forme to realize I couldn't do it.
Like I would turn on the streetand I would, My palms would get
sweaty.
My stomach would get reallytight, like when, you're about
to pick up, you know what Imean?
Like you get that adrenalinerush and you're excited and all
that.
And it would start to happen assoon as I would hit this street.
(19:43):
So I had to start taking longerways to get places.
And I had never done thatbefore.
ever tried that, never evenknew, that would help.
And so, yeah, I had to changeeverything and people.
That was a big thing.
If you're not here to support mysobriety, you're not here in my
life.
Yeah.
And that was, it was a loteasier said than done.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (20:05):
So what does that look like for you with
relationships that you hadbefore that you let go?
Danay @soberinhouston (20:10):
Yeah, for me, it was more like they would
say, I would say I'm being soI'm sober.
I'm trying to be sober.
I'm working on it, blah, blah,blah.
But like hanging out with them,they would offer, I know you say
that you're doing this, but Ithink you'll be fine with one
drink or How long have you beensober?
You've been doing pretty good.
Why don't you go ahead?
And so weeding out those people,because a lot of them were the
(20:33):
ones I least expected, right?
Like they were the ones who Ithought were my ride or die.
And then, it's late at night andyou just want somebody to be
fucked up with you.
Or people that I realized didn'tvalue my company if I wasn't
intoxicated,
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (20:49):
I feel like shifting dynamics sometimes
plays a role.
People don't like that becauseit makes them uncomfortable or
it's less fun for them somehow,but then it forces them to look
at themselves.
Exactly.
It forces them to look atthemselves.
And if I have to be the butt ofthe joke, if I have to be like,
at the expense of theentertainment then you're not
(21:11):
really there for me.
You're not really like theperson I thought you were.
Or maybe I valued thatrelationship greater than I
should because shiftingrelationships is hard especially
you pointed out some people thatyou didn't anticipate would
respond that way.
I think that's the hurtful part,too, when you, because we, I
think we all know our partyfriends are, quote, unquote,
(21:32):
just party friends.
This is some time, but when youthink it's a real friend or a
real person that's there foryou, and then they don't show up
the way that you need them to,that can be, I think, really
difficult.
Danay @soberinhouston (21:43):
Right.
And especially when you'retrying to get sober because,
we're so raw and vulnerableduring that time like you feel
everything for the first time ina long time.
So when somebody really hurtsyour feeling that you hurt your
feelings that you thought was avery true and dear friend.
I feel like you feel it in adifferent way.
It's more of just like thisultimate betrayal because you're
(22:04):
feeling like I need you now morethan ever.
Because I don't even know who Iam, but I feel like you're my
person.
You're my friend that you mightknow me.
So please support me.
And instead to get, just treatedlike, Actually if you're not
intoxicated, your opiniondoesn't matter.
Or if you're not going to getdrunk with me, then your
position in this friend groupdoesn't, it's not there.
(22:27):
That shit is hurtful.
It can make you feel like, yourcharacter is wrong or the way
you handle drinking or socialexperiences is wrong.
Because you're getting treatedthat way.
So you have to change yourmentality, your thought process,
what you believe in friends,your value.
Sometimes sobriety is across theboard change everything about
(22:50):
your life.
But if you really focus on youand what you're about, it can be
beautiful.
And it usually is.
It's so beautiful.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (22:58):
I've never heard anyone say they regret
getting sober.
I can say that if it doesn'texist, come on the show.
Cause I want to talk to you.
I want to touch on FOMO becauseyou cited that before as a
trigger point for you.
And I feel like that's like yousaid, we're so vulnerable and
raw in the early wee hours orwee stages of sobriety.
(23:19):
So what did that look like foryou?
And then how did that lead youto finding community.
Also, I'm curious to know, I'madding layers here, also curious
to know, did you know any soberpeople before you got sober?
Because I didn't know anyone,like sober friends that you
would actually want to hang outwith.
Danay @soberinhouston (23:40):
Right.
That's a good thing.
I remember why you just said it.
And it's on my mind.
I do remember when I first gotsober, I made a vision board of
all the things I wanted.
And one of the big things onthere was sober friends, right?
I didn't have any I didn't haveany sober friends and I didn't
even know what a sober person myage really looked like,
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (23:58):
I don't know why I just always imagined
the worst.
You look so lame.
Anyway,
Danay @soberinhouston (24:02):
I'm so lame.
Seriously.
And when I did go to AA becauseI was court ordered for a while
before I decided to get sober, Iwould get drunk before I would
go to my AA meeting.
I would go to happy hour, getsome margaritas, walk in buzzed,
and I would sit there and judgethem.
Everybody's so lame or they'vehad such a hard life.
Of course they were alcoholics.
(24:24):
You don't, if you don't see yourrepresentation, you think.
It's not there, and that's why Ithink women like us, black
women, younger women, us makinga platform, speaking our truth
is super important becausesomeone else is seeing this and
not even knowing that it waspossible, changing their
thought, their mind, But okay,that was a layer.
What was the question?
(24:45):
I missed it.
Yeah,
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Nadine Mulvina - TSB (26:13):
I asked you three questions in one.
I wanted to know, you answeredthe one about okay, did you
really have, know anyone thatwas sober that you would have
wanted to know?
That was one question.
Then I was just to know likeFOMO, how you reframed how you
saw FOMO because I know that wasa trigger for you before.
So yeah, I think those were thetwo main things I was looking
at.
Danay @soberinhouston (26:34):
I'm a Gemini.
I've always been a very socialperson.
It's just who I am.
So, like the thought of beingsober to me meant that I
couldn't go out at all.
I thought sobriety meant thatyou just sit at home all day,
you watch TV, you don't doanything, you don't go anywhere
because, I was also thinkingfrom a mentality that I can't be
around alcohol and not drink it.
(26:55):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like I was like, that's not evenpossible.
So I've only left with theselittle options that don't
include alcohol.
Not knowing that at some pointyou can, and there are other
options.
So I would, be on my phonelooking at my friends, out
having the time of their lives.
Or they would text me and inviteme places and, some of them
(27:17):
were, with the best.
intentions, right?
But they can't control theircousin that they haven't seen
forever that comes up to themand is trying to buy everybody
shots.
That's an awkward fucking momentfor everyone involved.
And so trying to navigate thatand feel comfortable was hard.
I get really bad social anxiety.
(27:38):
So That was like my biggesttrigger, too, because preparing
to go out was triggering.
I had to change the way I didfor when I got ready.
I had to have my meditation.
I had to, practice my breathing,make sure I have enough time to
get ready so I don't get anxiousor stressed out or feel like I
need a drink to take the edgeoff.
You just have to find new toolsto handle stressful situations.
(28:02):
Yeah.
So, but yeah, the FOMO wasdefinitely the worst.
It was definitely the worst.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (28:07):
How did you start Sober Girls Houston?
What, how did that come to be?
Danay @soberinhouston (28:13):
Yeah.
So there's the app meetup.
I don't know if you ever heardof it where you can just go in
and type in your interest.
Of to me.
Right.
So, it was like maybe a fewyears before I decided to get
sober, I went on there because Iwas diagnosed as bipolar.
And so I was looking for bipolarmeetups for black women, other
women that had the same issue,the same medical condition.
And so I finally one day waslike that really worked out for
(28:36):
me.
I was able to find other people.
Maybe I should do something forsober women, because again, I
was looking for community.
I was looking for sober friendsbecause I didn't have any.
All my friends were going outand getting drunk, so I needed
to find something different tosee what that would look like.
And I remember when, like thefirst woman signed up, I freaked
(28:57):
out.
I was like Oh my God, like evenknowing there was just one other
person in this huge city ofHouston that had the same
thought and was interested in anon alcohol centered event.
That shit was crazy.
It was crazy.
It was absolutely insane.
But finding that community wassomething that I didn't expect
to change my life the way itdid.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (29:19):
That's amazing.
So it started literally with oneperson also being like, Hey, I
want to connect to I'm sober.
Were you looking specificallyfor black sober women or was it
just sober women or like whatwas the importance for you to
find as we talked touched onbefore representation in
(29:40):
sobriety that kind of aligned tomaybe some of the values and the
experiences that you had.
It really feels like you'rehaving a moment, pun intended,
when you're sipping on thelovely and refreshing moment.
Now what I love about moment isthat not only does it taste
delicious, I have my favoriteflavors.
(30:02):
I love the blood orange, I lovethe spicy mango, but it's also
good for you, which is exactlywhat I need in my life right now
as I'm in my early 20s.
30s.
It's infused with L theanine,which is great for mental
clarity.
It also is packed withashwagandha, which is great for
helping to fight stress.
It's made with all of thesenatural botanicals, which really
(30:23):
enhances your vitality.
It does not contain any addedsugar.
It's caffeine and of coursealcohol free and you can
purchase it in still orsparkling.
I love a good sparkle moment sothat's typically the route I
take.
In the morning it's great for aboost to start the day versus in
the afternoon if you want tobeat that afternoon slump and
(30:44):
enhance your mental clarity orif you just need like a simple
pick me up like for me I love tohave a moment after the gym
versus going into the gymbecause it just really helps.
Reenergize me.
And then in the evening, if youwant to wind down after a long
busy day and enjoy a deliciousmocktail without the hangover,
then Moment is great for thattoo.
(31:04):
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Head over to drinkmoment.
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(31:25):
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Let's be moment bunnies.
We can both have momentstogether.
Danay @soberinhouston (31:29):
When I made the group also during this
time, I was going back toschool, so I was in school
learning about chemicaldependency, learning about
addiction, all of this stuff.
So when I decided to make thegroup, I was also thinking of
more like a support group orbecause I had been, leading
these groups at my, myfacilities that I was doing for
school.
So I really thought about just Iwanted to reach the masses,
(31:52):
right?
So I wanted it to just make sureit was women centered, which was
my only goal.
And that was from my experiencebecause in AA, the men prey on
you in there.
I don't know if you've everexperienced that or if you
haven't.
Girl,
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (32:08):
girl, listen, okay, and that meetings
are to coerce you into datingsomebody that you have no
business like, sorry, I just gothere.
Okay, wait, time one.
Oh, you might say a meeting inperson was a coed meeting.
And I sat down and It was like abig enough space to where there
(32:31):
were empty chairs, basically.
Decided to move from where hewas sitting, come sit directly
next to me, and then startedpassing me little papers asking
me to go out with him as I'mtrying to listen to people
share.
I'm just like, what ishappening?
That was my first impression ofAA and it almost ran me out the
door because I was just like, Idon't like that.
(32:53):
And then at the end of themeeting, he came up to me and
was like, all in my face, askingme out and another woman had to
come save me.
She was like, he does that.
Just, go basically go away.
It was crazy.
Anyway, sorry.
Time in,
Danay @soberinhouston (33:06):
but no, seriously, it happens.
And this is where you leastexpect it.
Right.
Because again, you're sovulnerable.
You're so raw.
Everybody there is also supposedto be the way or at least
understand that.
You know what I mean?
And the same thing happened tome.
Like you go outside and try tosmoke or you go stand up there.
Here they come like pariahs,it's ridiculous.
And so I was like, my main goalwas like, I need to make sure
(33:29):
there's a safe space for women.
I don't give a fuck what type ofwoman you are.
I just want it to be alcohol,not alcohol centered space.
For women across the board.
So that was like what I wasthinking when I created it.
That's where my mind was aboutsafe space for women.
So yeah, I created a meetupwhere we could all meet up and
talk about our sobriety.
(33:50):
I had no agenda, no idea reallywhat we were going to do.
But yeah, I made sure we wentsomewhere that had mocktails and
I did a mocktail flight and Ialways ask them when we start A
event.
What brought you here?
Why did you decide to cometoday?
And that question alone willopen up the floor because you
learn so much about someone likemaybe they're sober, curious,
(34:12):
maybe they're this is day two ofthem trying to be sober or, you
just never know.
And that really built thecommunity and it really opened
up more ideas for different typeof events to host, and it just
it started.
It got the ball rolling.
That first event did.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (34:28):
I love that.
And so what was the evolution ofSober Girls Houston from that
first inception of you justwanting a space for women to
what it is today?
Danay @soberinhouston (34:40):
Yeah.
I think when it first startedout again, I just was so excited
that even one person wanted tohang out and talk about being
sober.
And then once I really startedit taught me a lot about women
in recovery because I had neverbeen to rehab.
That was not my story, myexperience.
And working at these differentrecovery facilities, meeting
women who were fighting to gettheir kids back.
(35:03):
Meeting women who were leavingabusive relationships that kind
of changed more of, just hostingevents was cool, making a sober
space at the club or like a popup picnic or like a mocktail pop
up or dance classes.
That was great.
But I also started to veer moreinto like outreach, going out to
(35:23):
different women's homes andmaking sure they have free yoga
or Attorneys to come out andtalk about their options for
what they were going throughwith their children and, things
like that.
So I feel like now I'm reallyopening sober girls up more,
especially since this moved toTulsa.
More to have sober girlseverywhere.
We want sober girls, Tulsa.
(35:44):
We want sober girls, New York.
Because when you learn that youcan create a safe space for
women, you just want iteverywhere.
You know what I mean?
So I'm just trying to expand,build on it, make sure it's all
about outreach and more thanjust.
Parties and mocktails, but alsogoing to these facilities and
(36:05):
going out and reaching the womenwho are still in the thick of
this shit.
You know what I mean?
I love that,
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (36:10):
which goes back to access.
I really appreciate like thisinitiative or this vision that
you have, because.
I think I mentioned addictionaffects everyone, right?
Like we're all afflicted,doesn't matter age, gender,
race, whatever, or creed.
You'll find alcoholism and otherforms of addiction, but the
access is lacking.
(36:32):
There's a huge disparity there.
And so women, black women,especially, I just feel like
maybe we're less, I don't know.
I don't want to say maybe.
I feel like there's lessaccounts that I see.
I'm speaking very surface levelhere.
Just in terms of representation,going back to that there's less
people who are forthcoming maybeabout their story who are black.
(36:53):
And I think that's connected tosystemic racism, right?
We don't want another thing.
That's like another back, right?
Or another letter to whatever.
So, I just feel like that couldbe a big part of why less of us
are talking about.
How we have overcome or justlike even when you're going
through the process of becomingsober it's difficult to like
(37:16):
necessarily be Open about that,which is why once again, you're
talking about this so thank youfor that work.
And as you're expanding, itdoesn't necessarily live in the
city.
It lives in you and like whereyou decide to bring those
communities.
so that it can even spreadfurther and have a wider reach.
so much.
So that's amazing.
(37:36):
Yeah.
Danay @soberinhouston (37:38):
It's thank you.
It's also like you were saying,like the FOMO.
Cause like when I would go tothese like the recovery centers,
a lot of the women are like,we're bored.
We're so fucking bored, causeeven once they get out of there,
a lot of them make roommates,cause of the women that they met
in there.
So it's easier.
They help them with housing, buteven they've got this sober
buddy, what they're like, wedon't know what to do.
(37:58):
They've never tried a soberlife.
You know what I mean?
So I think it's really importantfor us, especially as black
women to show other sober blackwomen, you can still do all
these things.
You can still like you travelout of the country and have
amazing time.
You can still go differentcities and find sober
alternatives, and you can linkup with other sober women in
(38:21):
your community.
But like you said, sober blackwomen is super hard, and I think
I found you.
Literally searching underneaththe hashtag sober black woman,
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (38:32):
I'm happy with just like sharing stories
right now through my podcast,right?
Like my blog and Instagram.
But yes, to go back to what youwere saying, we, if we can
collaborate, if we can dosomething I would happily join
forces or help to bring thisinitiative to New York, because
there's a lot of us out heretoo.
Danay @soberinhouston (38:51):
Yeah.
And I think, I've been talkingto a few different girls that
are in California and talkingabout doing like a sober
Coachella, you know what I mean?
We've been trying to plan thisfor a few months.
Doesn't that sound fun?
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (39:01):
I would a hundred percent be game for
that.
Yes.
Danay @soberinhouston (39:05):
Okay.
We're planning some influencerstuff to grow.
I already have you written down.
I was like, I already know whowe're going to get.
Okay.
Because really it's likedifferent cities.
Like California is alreadypretty much living this like
sober lifestyle.
People talk about Californiasober, but also they're very
much about their body andkeeping, their bodies healthy.
And they know alcohol is poison.
(39:25):
So they don't, I mean, for them,it's like that simple.
It's pretty simple, actually, ifyou think about
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (39:30):
it.
I want to be healthy.
Let me not put this poison in mybody, injustice poison.
Yeah.
Danay @soberinhouston (39:37):
Like that part, but you know, and It's
just like finding other womenwho are saying that I feel like
I followed all six of the soberblack women I followed
underneath that hashtag, but Ican still tell you to this day
that each one of them are stillin my comments telling me to
keep going and lifting me up andsending me messages like some of
(39:58):
the most supportive people I'veever experienced in my life that
I've never met.
You know what I mean?
And that part to me shows youhow important community is and
how powerful it is when you findthe right people to help you
grow to lift you as you climb,to, help you aspire to reach the
goals that you want and that youdeserve.
Cause our addiction kept us downfor so long, and we just have to
(40:20):
be the example for the women whoare still fighting.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (40:23):
I love that.
Yeah.
The best way to be the exampleis to lead through your own.
Daily choices.
I'm still like, that's just whatit comes down to because one who
has tried even when I had noplace or business trying to
change someone else's course.
When I've been doing the workfor myself, because ironically,
(40:45):
I did the work, other peoplekind of followed suit, but
sometimes you want to seesomeone else do it, right?
Danay @soberinhouston (40:52):
Yes.
Have you experienced that a lot?
To me, it kind of blew my mind.
Like I'll have friends come upto me and start telling me about
their struggles, which I neverknew they had.
Or Start talking about someonein their family that, they're
kind of worried about.
Once you're able to be thatvulnerable, people see that.
That's why vulnerability is sucha strength, because they're
like, holy shit, if Denae canhandle this, if Nadine, if they
(41:14):
can do this, anything'spossible.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (41:17):
And honestly, this is where I had to
learn to give people gracebecause I'm quick to cut people
off.
I'm a very black and whitethinker.
And when I was so sensitive inthe early parts of my sobriety,
and I do think I cut some peopleoff who had no business being in
my life.
But there were people who I knewwere there for me, but were not
(41:39):
receptive or as receptive as Iwould have hoped them to be when
I got sober.
And I realized, to your pointearlier, that it had less to do
with me, it was more to do withtheir relationship with alcohol.
Not that they didn't want me tosucceed, but it was a threat, it
was a threat to theirrelationship with alcohol oh, to
use oh shit, Nadine's sober whatdoes that mean for me?
(41:59):
Cause I was right there withher, doing the same thing.
So, long story short, thosepeople now have not all of them,
but a lot of them have eitherquit drinking or severely,
significantly reduced theirintake.
Reduced.
And then, right now, it'svirtually zero.
They're never drinking.
Me, because I'm leading byexample, it's I'm still having
(42:20):
to show you that I'm here.
Present having a good timebecause guess what I'm quick to
leave if I'm not when I used todrink and party I wasn't having
a good time.
So I was drinking more just tomake myself have a good time
Like where's the logic there isno logic If I'm not enjoying it,
you will know because I'm goingto be like, good night.
So,
Danay @soberinhouston (42:39):
bye.
You know what, actually, there'san episode of Project Runway
waiting for me at home.
So I'm actually going to leave.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (42:45):
Exactly.
Like I have better things to do.
I'm not going to try and makethe best out of the situation
when there, there's nothing goodhappening here.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like a lot of the people that Iwas either hanging around
drinking that I still have in mylife, right?
Like true friends.
Maybe it's maturity in terms ofage, but I think a lot of people
(43:06):
have really reduced theirintake.
Which is beautiful and I hopeit's a cultural movement going
back to what we see inCalifornia.
I feel like the shift in societyis happening.
I don't know if it's justbecause I'm so like deep in the
sober life and I'm like off thestick about the rest of the
world.
But I do think there is a changefrom me getting sober two and a
(43:29):
half years ago to now.
I think more people are likeopen to.
When I say I'm super like peopleare like, what?
You don't like no one's likereally responding anymore.
But yeah.
Danay @soberinhouston (43:39):
Yeah, no, I agree.
It definitely is changing.
Especially even I noticed movingto Tulsa.
Like even having thatconversation, like people are
like, Oh, okay.
And then they start telling melike, Oh, I tried this mocktail
one time and it was really good.
You know what I mean?
And I feel like especiallywomen, because there's, All the
things that happen when you goout and get too intoxicated and
seeing a mocktail as an optionto keep you from getting in
(44:01):
those situations has come intoplay a lot more than I think it
used to.
Like when we were out partying,I never even heard of a
mocktail.
I couldn't tell you what amocktail was.
If someone offered me one.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (44:15):
But I feel like everybody knew what it was,
but I literally thought it waslike a pregnant woman's drink.
I was like, Oh, like that's whatpregnant women drink.
But I didn't think that it wasever an option for me.
I'm not interested in yourmocktail.
I'm not pregnant.
What are you even offering me?
Danay @soberinhouston (44:31):
And also my friends when they go out now,
like I can tell they're notdrinking as much'cause I'm
there.
Do you notice that they'reholding back like a little bit
or a they're holding back.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (44:41):
I'm not mad at it like, yeah, if I
either, I'm gonna be the reasonwhy you don't have a hangover
tomorrow.
You can thank me later.
Okay.
Danay @soberinhouston (44:47):
You don't have to ask me.
If it's okay, if you drinkaround me, but don't come over
here, like pouring shots downyour throat and chugging beers
in my presence and expect me tobe cool with that,
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (44:58):
oh, smell the tannins on this red girl,
like that, that, that will getyou when they see me mad.
That will get me
Danay @soberinhouston (45:04):
mad.
You hear me?
Like the audacity.
Do you still have friends thatrandomly be like, do you want to
try?
Oh, never mind.
I forgot.
Yeah, I do.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (45:12):
I had here's a true story.
I went to like a friend'sgraduation spring of last year
and one of a mutual friend fromcollege.
It's always the friends fromcollege, right?
Always.
He was like, I know you don'tdrink, but do you want some of
this coke?
I
was
like
(45:32):
Make it make sense.
I was like, oh, no thank you.
I just had to laugh.
In that moment, I just had tolaugh because I'm like, he was
dead ass serious, first of all.
He was.
I'm just like, yeah, like it, Iwas like, thank God for growth.
Like I, I wasn't even mad.
I was just like, this is funnyto me.
Like the, you were over hereasking me if I want to do drugs
(45:54):
with you and I don't drink.
So
Danay @soberinhouston (45:56):
why would you think?
And that's the part they don'tthink at all.
They're not thinking.
He
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (46:02):
was offering it to me.
So let's just start with that.
I don't think he was really, Ithink he was being inclusive.
But yeah, I told you havefriends who do the nevermind
thing.
Answer your question.
But not so much, people that Idon't really hang out with very
often, college friends, andit'll be like a situation where
it's Maybe it's legit'cause theydon't see me.
(46:23):
I know who I can actually go tothe bar with, who's going to be
respectful versus who I shouldjust maybe say hey let's go to
the movies.
Let's go to a mutual place.
And even back in one of mydrinking days, no place was
really neutral because at anypoint I could make it a drinking
activity.
So yeah, that's just me justbeing conscientious of who my
(46:44):
friends are and knowing thecircles.
Do you get that?
Do you find that people are overthere asking, so Oh they forget
in the moment.
Right.
Danay @soberinhouston (46:52):
Like I have and I feel I have to like,
At the same time, respect thembecause I did a lot of times say
I'm being sober and not besober.
You know what I mean?
And I feel like in those momentswhen I would be lying to other
people like my parents or likecertain friends, there were
those friends that I didn't liein front of.
(47:12):
You know what I mean?
Like they would hear me or seeme lying, but they would also be
Bring me that shot.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
They were in on it.
So it took a while for thosefriends to realize, no I'm
really serious.
Like for real.
No.
This is no joke.
Like I'm for real this time.
So I feel like those friendstelling the truth today.
(47:34):
Right.
So those small group of friends.
Took a long time or they justleft, which I have to respect
because who wants that up anddown?
Is she sober for real or is shenot?
You know what I mean?
Like I completely understand,but I'm dead ass serious this
time, and kind of like you saidcollege friends or like cousins
(47:56):
of friends that I haven't seen,since I got sober.
But I do love that my friends,that protect me, like I never
even knew they had so much basein their voice all of a sudden,
if we go out and, a waiter comeslike, what can I get y'all to
drink?
She doesn't drink,
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (48:10):
that's amazing.
That's really cute.
I love that.
Danay @soberinhouston (48:14):
Yeah.
So it's a mix, but like yousaid, as your journey goes on,
the ones that aren't there, Imean, they really, Don't even
exist anymore.
I mean,
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (48:23):
to be honest, I feel like it's mutual.
Like they, they know what thedeal is.
It's like the trash takesitself, right?
I shouldn't even call it trash.
It's some people the deal theshe's friends.
Yeah.
Like the people that be in mylife are in my life.
And the people who are not, andthe seasons come and go, like
relationships.
I feel like e ebb and flow and,I'm not saying no to some people
(48:46):
who are not in my life no, youcan never come back again, but
not under the same pretenses orcontext that you knew me as
before.
Cause I think some people dohave a hard time accepting this
version of you, like DNA.
Yeah.
Like it's just, some peoplecan't handle it.
Right.
Danay @soberinhouston (49:04):
Yeah, not meant for them.
They are allowed to move thefuck around.
But I do feel like that too.
I do feel like that, like beingable to see those friends, like
to be able to be aware of thatbecause I feel like, like you
said I'll let them back in,because, nobody's cut off
forever until you, actuallyprove that you need to be cut
off forever.
But I feel like sometimes inthose situations, like as soon
(49:25):
as I start hanging out with themagain, I'm like, Oh, I know why
I'm not here anymore.
Like your whole body feels it.
You feel forced in theconversation.
Cause you can't feel like youcan truly be yourself, so it
kind of definitely weeds itselfout because you're like, I don't
even feel right trying to hangout with you.
Like my spirit is completelydifferent.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (49:47):
The spirit thing is real sorry to cut you
off the spirit like I'm learninga lot because I realized not
everything is articulated withwords, feelings, emotions, like
the physical sensations that Ifeel around people intuitively I
listen to a lot more and I feellike my sobriety.
(50:08):
Has unlocked my intuition moreto where I'm able to get in
touch with wait, this is reallyin my body right now.
I don't feel good.
And it's, oh, yes, this person'saround, or when I feel like I
can't hear my successes or talkabout my sobriety, because I
don't know why, because you're ahater, basically, or you don't
really want to see how it feelslike, right?
(50:30):
Like in those instances, I don'tneed that.
I need to be like that.
Danay @soberinhouston (50:35):
That's truly one of the best gifts
about sobriety, right?
Is that intuition, because Ifelt the same way.
And I remember even testingmyself okay, let me just see I
know what I feel, but let mejust see what happens.
And then every time it happens,I should have cut that person
off.
Like I shouldn't even, Gave themchance after chance.
Like your spirit is telling youwhat you need to do.
But yeah, those moments arecrazy.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (50:57):
You can't numb out.
You can't distort the truthanymore.
It is what it is, right?
Danay @soberinhouston (51:02):
It is okay.
What you feel is true.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (51:05):
I loved this conversation.
I feel like I learned so muchabout you, about Sober Girls
Houston, about just like the,even like we just talked about
the sensations and FOMO andeverything in between.
It was such a fun conversation,but also like I've learned so
much from you, Danae.
I'm very excited.
I'm going to open up the spacejust in case you want to plug
(51:26):
anything or share anything.
This is a good opportunity to doso.
Danay @soberinhouston (51:30):
Okay.
Yeah.
I just want to let everybodyknow to follow me on Instagram
at sober girls, HTX, and you canalso follow my personal journey
at randomly rude as well onInstagram.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (51:40):
I love it.
I will plug all of that in theshow notes below.
Thank you so much, Janaye.
Good luck in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
I know it's just been a weekwritten change, but I know
you're gonna do amazing.
Yes.
And we'll have to do a
Danay @soberinhouston (51:54):
check in after six months or something.
Yeah, so I
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (51:57):
want to hear about your sober community
journey in Tulsa as well.
I appreciate you coming.
Yes.
Thank you, Denae.
Danay @soberinhouston (52:04):
Thank you for having me.
It's been a beautifulexperience.
Thank you.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (52:10):
Thank you for being here, and thank you
for allowing me to hold space inyour day as you listen to this
podcast.
If you enjoyed today's episode,please, please do me a favor and
one, make sure you're followingthe show so that you can stay up
to date with everything elsethat's happening.
And two.
Please, please leave a review asit helps more people find the
(52:33):
show.
I would appreciate even more ifit's a five star review, but do
what's right for you.
Do what you think I deserve,thank you so much, and I'll see
you next week.
Bye bye.
Hello, and welcome to the show.
This is the sober Butterflypodcast and I am your host,
Nadine Mulvina.
And today we have a very specialguest.
We have Miss Denae Jones in thebuilding, or in the studio,
virtually.
In the house.
In the house.
I was going to say in the house,actually, but Denae, I feel like
(00:24):
this is a long time coming.
We've been friends on Instagramfor a while.
I've been admiring all of theamazing work that you're doing
with Sober Girls Houston.
And I just really am excited tohave you talk a little bit today
about So I'm really excited tohave you on the show today
because we're going to talkabout a parts of your story and
be what building community lookslike in sobriety, because we
(00:45):
know that connection is soimportant.
So I'm really right.
Thank you for being here.
And we were kind of talkingabout backstage how you're not
in Houston anymore.
We'll get into all of that.
But you're 90s in Tulsa.
So I want to hear your on thatas well.
Danay @soberinhouston (01:03):
Yes, absolutely.
We can definitely get into allof that.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (01:06):
So, okay, Denae, let's just jump right
into it.
I would love to kind of framethis episode, just learning a
little bit more about what lifewas like for you before
sobriety.
So I know that you've been soberfor quite some time, but what
does life look like for Denae interms of some early associations
with drinking?
Or I keep it open drug ofchoice.
(01:26):
Like for me, it wasn't justalcohol, but like alcohol was
the main thing.
But yeah, what was life like foryou before getting sober?
Danay @soberinhouston (01:33):
Yeah.
So like I moved to Houston whenI was like, basically 21, I was
20 going on 21.
And before that I had lived inAlabama, a very college town.
We have the university ofAlabama there.
So like I've parallel my lifewith drinking as like the
college atmosphere.
Right.
But just started earlier,because I was going to high
(01:54):
school in Alabama, and it wasjust automatically just a party
lifestyle, a small town, but youcould just try everything.
So when I moved to Houston,which was this big city, I just
wanted to be a part ofeverything.
There were, different type ofparties on different sides of
town, and it was just like, wow,there's just, so much to try to
(02:14):
learn, to find out.
And so I think once I turned 21,it really got out of control.
It was more not just on theweekends.
It was as soon as I got homefrom work, I used any excuse I
needed to drink, it's raining.
All right, let me get some wine.
It's been a busy day, right?
Let's go ahead and go to happyhour.
But happy hour just really neverended.
(02:36):
And it just became like a totalroutine.
That's usually how it starts.
You just start with every oncein a while till it becomes every
day.
And I was working with a lot ofmedical doctors.
So there were like drug reps,right, that were offering to pay
for happy hours and paying for,those few moments that they
could learn about the physician.
(02:57):
I had never experienced thattype of Experience going to
these really bougie, fancyrestaurants, as a 21 year old.
So it was just like the culture,the fast pace that kind of
lifestyle.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (03:12):
I can relate to parts of your story
just in the sense of going tocollege in a smaller town and
then relocating to a biggercity.
And.
Right.
Like a shift, it seems where itgoes from this is fun.
This is normalized because I'myoung to, oh, this is like a
daily occurrence that May beunhealthy, but maybe you're also
not in a place where you'reready to confront yourself.
(03:35):
Yeah.
With yeah.
Nobody else is right.
Especially, like a young, beingin your young twenties or being
in your twenties and it soundslike your profession lended
itself to also drinking.
And then when you said happyhour, I'm just like, I don't
know why I've never had thisrealization before you said
happy hour, but like the coupleof times you said it, I was
like, it's never really happy.
(03:55):
Like it's happy when you getthere, it's never really an
hour.
So it's just it's thiscontinuation usually for people
like me, at least where it's itnever ends happy.
It's never just an hour, is whatI realized.
So was there a moment we often,say rock bottoms, did you have
anything similar to that?
Or a situation that led you tosobriety?
Danay @soberinhouston (04:17):
Yeah.
I was in Houston for over 15years.
So, especially like I said, whenI turned 21, it was just like,
you're 21.
So of course you can drink andgo out and party.
But of course these were biggerclubs and, bigger atmosphere
than I was used to.
And that's a lifestyle all initself.
The scene of being out at clubsand things like that.
(04:37):
So for me, I kind of stayed inthat, for almost like 10 years
or so, at least over a decade.
Because like you mentioned, likehappy hour, nothing about it was
happy, but all your friends arestill doing it every day.
The circle that I kept, theywere still getting up and going
out.
So it just felt like that's whatwe're supposed to be doing for a
while, but there were many timeswhere I would get I went and did
(05:01):
some site care because I had tobe hospitalized because my
mental health was also just allover the place.
I was arrested a few times.
And even with all of thesemoments, you would think I would
say, okay this might be a littlebit.
This is a lot.
This is extreme.
I'm an only child, so it's justme and my mom.
My dad passed away from anoverdose when I was like 14.
(05:23):
And my mom also was an addict,and she's been sober now since I
was six.
So even knowing it's hereditary,it's in your family.
These were still not enoughwarning signs for me.
It finally took for me duringCovid it to have no other choice
but to sit and look at myselfand try to figure out what goals
(05:44):
do I have in life?
Who are you?
Who do you want to be?
There's nothing but comparisonand things like that during that
time.
And I realized if you want to dosomething with your life, you're
gonna have to make a change.
And the only thing that'sholding you back is alcohol.
The only thing that's keepingyou from reaching any of your
potential is drinking.
The thing that causes the mostproblems between you and your
(06:05):
family and friends is alcohol,and I had tried a few times
before this, but this time I wasdone.
I was done.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (06:14):
That's really powerful.
I'm really sorry to hear aboutyour dad passing away.
I'm also an only child.
My dad also passed away.
So I have a very closerelationship with my mom and the
hereditary aspect of addictionruns deep in my family as well.
It's interesting though, becauseI'm curious to learn, like when
you've had these run ins withthe law or the confrontations,
but you know, we've all haddrunk fights with people or
(06:37):
arguments.
Right.
That are disrupting our life.
You were making excuses foralcohol because like, how do you
overlook that?
Because I too have been insituations, very compromising
situations where it's alcoholwas obviously the common, but
yet I didn't, I wasn't ready ordidn't want to confront my
(06:59):
addiction or my relationshipwith alcohol.
So how did you kind of.
I guess move forward from thosesituations with knowing that
alcohol was a part of that.
Or did you make that connection?
Danay @soberinhouston (07:12):
Right.
I mean, I feel like early onI've always had friends that
were older than me, like atleast five or 10 years.
And so when I would go out withthem, they would always say you
need to calm down.
You're doing too much.
They always kind of referred tome as the baby.
And so In my head, it kind ofbabied me as well.
I kind of felt Oh, I'm young.
(07:33):
I'm cute.
I'm the baby.
This is normal.
And even when, like you said,those aspects of getting
arrested or having thosemoments, I would kind of put it
off as I just got too messed upthat night.
I can control it.
And I also really believe thatto be a real alcoholic and also
from my experience with mymother, from what I remember,
(07:53):
she drank every single day.
I very vividly remember herhaving a cooler in the back of
her truck all the time.
Always full.
It always had her beer in there.
You know what I mean?
She never went moments, hourswithout the chance of having
alcohol.
So for me, I'm thinking if Ionly drink, I get like really
cute.
And I go take myself out todinner or on dates.
(08:16):
And then I come back home andjust keep drinking until I black
out, or blacking out was alwaysthe goal.
And I kind of feel like thatwas, very trivialized in media.
It's all we've known growing up.
So it was hard to see it was aproblem because you're taught so
much that it isn't, yeah,
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (08:36):
like You dismissing your relationship
with alcohol because it didn'tlook the way that your mother's
relationship presented itself.
And so it's easy to sort ofmask.
I did the same thing where itwas like I'm not sitting at home
by myself drinking, even thoughI didn't at certain points, but
like also like I use age youthas an excuse to ping you on this
(08:59):
trajectory of it's, different.
I'm different.
I like reality is we know.
That by nature, alcoholism is aprogressive disease, right?
So it's not going to just hityou in the face day one, but if
you get it, it's over time thatyou may be in a similar
situation as someone that youlove or care about who's also
(09:22):
afflicted by this.
So it's an environment.
Danay @soberinhouston (09:26):
Yeah.
Is your, let me ask you this is,does your mom or like your
grandfather or grandmother alsosuffer from addiction?
Like on your mom's side, anybodyin her family?
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (09:35):
Yeah.
It's yeah.
It's all in there.
It's my my mom actually came onthe podcast.
This season.
I love that.
She's not she doesn't embracethe same terminology, but she
admitted that she had a problemwith alcohol.
I am, I'm fully okay with sayingthat I'm an alcoholic because I
feel like it keeps me humble.
It keeps me grounded in doingthe work.
(09:58):
I don't really care about thelabel of it.
I just need that, like notdelude myself into thinking that
I don't have a problem, but justat the very least like I have a
problem.
So that and then her mother alsodefinitely my famous Caribbean,
not to blame it on the Jamaicanside things, but definitely I
think culturally it was moreaccepting to drink, rum, for
(10:21):
example, straight.
So yeah, it's definitelysomething that very much is
prevalent on my mom's side.
Danay @soberinhouston (10:30):
Yeah, I think that's cultural too,
because it's cultural alsobecause like my grandfather also
had a problem with addictionwith drinking and it was part of
their culture.
Like they were from Alabama.
So, I remember being reallylittle me and my cousins, my
grandfather would take us to thepark and we would pick
dandelions for him.
And I remember Oh my God, thisreally sweet moment, my
(10:50):
grandfather picking dandelionsand we'd bring them to him.
He's going upstairs makingdandelion wine.
And selling it to his churchcongregation.
You know what I mean?
And this was new to mygeneration, but my mom lived
this, you know what I mean?
So, when you see it, like wewere talking about our
grandparents, like they see it,it just keeps on doing the same
cycle.
(11:11):
And I think the same for us, wesaw it.
And so we do the same cycle, butwe're also always judging
ourselves and comparing how deepof a addiction we have oh I'm
not upstairs making wine, so I'mgood.
Yeah,
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (11:27):
I definitely think that that plays
a role, but tell us a little bitabout what life was like getting
sober in COVID when you were,when it sounds like you were
forced to Confront yourself andreckon sit with yourself around
what's been going on behind thescenes.
Danay @soberinhouston (11:40):
Yeah I mean, I spent a lot of time
trying and failing, because oneof the big things for me and
also a reason why I reallycreated Sober Girls Houston, I
felt like I was having a lot ofFOMO.
Watching all my friends, you gotsocial media watching them go
out.
And I was just like, damn, Ican't do that anymore.
Like jealousy of it.
And, kind of trying to brainwashmyself and make myself think
(12:01):
that you can still go, you justneed one or two, which would
never happen.
Right.
So there were plenty of timeswhere I tried and I would start
to lie to myself.
I would say, Oh I don't needthis or I don't need that, but
still continue to do it.
So finally, when I was duringCOVID, it was, I had lost my
job.
Both of them.
(12:22):
I had to move back in with mymom.
And I'm like living in thishouse with my mom feeling what
is happening with time?
Am I 15 again, 16?
And I was definitely drinkingmore because my job was doing
like zoom happy hours cause wecouldn't get together.
Right.
Yeah.
Right.
So as soon as the zoom was over,I've got this whole bottle of
(12:42):
freaking vodka.
Of course it's not going to goto waste.
And there was one particular daywhere I came downstairs and my
mom was just, she couldn't lookat me.
She couldn't really talk to me.
Something was off, and I hadseen that look before, so I knew
it was something I had done.
And She just said, I don't knowwhat you were on or what you
(13:02):
were doing last night, but Iwould wish that you wouldn't do
it anymore while you're aroundme.
And that was it for me, becauseI was completely done with
hurting the people I love,having people look at me with
despair and sadness and just, Igot so used to understanding
when people's shoulders woulddrop just with disappointment,
(13:24):
the body language.
And I was sick of that shithappening to me.
They didn't deserve it.
I deserved more.
And so that was the time when Isaid no more.
And this is my longest period ofsobriety ever.
And I'm 37, I think it's like,everybody's rock bottom is
different.
Everybody's.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (13:44):
That's beautiful.
I actually love your rock bottommoment because, I think so often
we assume it's, oh, you loseyour house, you lose your job,
whatever, but like When you losethe respect or the patience of
someone that you care about,that can be just, if not,
sometimes more impactful.
And you're actually bringing meback, I never even thought about
it like that the disappointment,because you can't even remember,
(14:07):
that's like the worst part,right, where you black out and
you have no recognition, but youjust know, like you said, you
just look at someone and look atsomeone and see how you've let
them down or hurt them, andthat, I don't know.
Actually, like I'm getting alittle emotional.
Like I hated that now.
And it's you don't know what todo, how to fix it until you fix
(14:28):
yourself.
And then that's the part I wasalways missing.
Right.
Cause I would never take.
Inventory of the real impact Idid to then say, okay, alcohol
is the culprit that meansdrinking that was never on the
table, right?
It was just like, I'm not goingto get so drunk next time.
And then of course that neverhappened.
Yes.
It was just like, right.
(14:49):
That took me back to a placethat like, is not a fond place,
but it's necessary to recognizethose moments.
Danay @soberinhouston (14:57):
The shame monster is
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (14:58):
what it is, but the thing about it is
shame keeps people stuck, right?
Because then it's you feel sobad and when you have an
unhealthy relationship withalcohol, then it makes you want
to drink more to alleviate thatshame when you need to sit with,
you need to sit, you need to sityour butt down and feel the
feelings.
(15:19):
So that you can get to the otherside, but that's the really hard
part, and that's what I thinkthe perpetual cycle that keeps
so many of us sick.
So yeah, something in your mom'seyes that day, it sounds like
really got you to a place ofrealizing, okay, I don't want
this for myself or for thepeople around me that I care
about.
So then what steps, what wereyour necessary next steps?
(15:41):
Walk us through those.
Danay @soberinhouston (15:43):
Yeah.
Like I said, this wasn't myfirst time.
It wasn't my first rodeo.
Before when I had tried, like Ihad to get hospitalized many
years back before this.
And when I got out, they gave meanti abuse, which was, the drug
that you can take that if you dodrink, you will get sick.
Right.
So, right.
I had experience with thatbefore.
And I thought about getting backon that again.
(16:05):
But it was again during COVIDand that was just, Too much of a
hassle.
I couldn't get seen all that.
So I was literally stuck withnobody but myself.
There was nothing but will anddetermination.
I couldn't get medication.
I couldn't get a doctor.
It's COVID.
People are trying to survive atthe bare minimum.
So I just changed my habits.
I understood that it's just likea mechanism of the same thing
(16:27):
over and over again, just likesmoking, just like anything
else.
And you replace that time whenyou would usually drink with
something else, like a hobby or,move your body or something like
that.
So I really worked on that.
Working out, eating well.
I became obsessed with making myown meals.
I did whole 30 where, youcompletely change the way you
(16:47):
eat your relationship with food.
And did a lot of self checkingin, I would write on a mirror
Every day, my goal for that day,I just focused on me and myself
only.
I didn't give a fuck about whatanybody else was doing, what
they thought about what I wasdoing.
I didn't even ask their opinion.
It was a total only me moment.
(17:08):
So I was just very much In myown until I felt comfortable
enough to speak about what I wasdoing.
I think you have to get to aplace where you feel comfortable
letting someone else knowbecause you don't even know who
your circle is yet who you cantrust in this fragile state.
So just that was a completelydifferent way of handling
sobriety than I did before forme.
(17:31):
And I think that helped a lot.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (17:33):
I feel like the beauty for you was that
you were given a little bit offreedom.
the space to invest in yourselfand pour into yourself in a way
that would be meaningful.
And I believe that, I have anaddict brain and the beauty of
the addict brain for me is thatI tend to obsess about things.
And it could be good things orbad things.
(17:53):
So when I was drinking, I wasobsessed about drinking and
parties.
When I was going to get my nexthigh, basically, I wanted to
feel something.
Versus when I got sober, Ipoured into myself in other
ways.
And so it sounds like you pouredinto yourself and you got really
fixated on addiction, but in ahealthy way, like finding
(18:15):
alternatives as opposed tocaring about what the world
thinks or caring about likeanything that was related to
alcohol.
Do you believe the idea ofremoving triggers that come in
the form of the mantra people,places, things like, did you
have to like, did you have tochange some of your routines and
like the people that youwouldn't maybe associate with
COVID and stuff?
(18:36):
Yeah.
Danay @soberinhouston (18:38):
People, places and things is super
important.
I was lucky enough to get a joblike towards the end of when,
like 2021 maybe like after theyear after COVID started.
So I was able to get a job.
I was able to save up and get anew place.
So everything was new for me.
It worked out perfectly.
That wasn't part of the plan,but it was God's plan because I
had a new environment.
(18:59):
I had new space, new people, andI could introduce myself as a
sober person.
These people hadn't seen me passout in my bushes outside, so I
could be the person I alwayswanted to be starting That day.
So yeah, people, places, andthings was super important to
me.
I couldn't take certain routesthat I used to take to get
(19:19):
places because I would pass thatliquor store that I always go
to.
And it took my body reacting forme to realize I couldn't do it.
Like I would turn on the streetand I would, My palms would get
sweaty.
My stomach would get reallytight, like when, you're about
to pick up, you know what Imean?
Like you get that adrenalinerush and you're excited and all
that.
And it would start to happen assoon as I would hit this street.
(19:43):
So I had to start taking longerways to get places.
And I had never done thatbefore.
ever tried that, never evenknew, that would help.
And so, yeah, I had to changeeverything and people.
That was a big thing.
If you're not here to support mysobriety, you're not here in my
life.
Yeah.
And that was, it was a loteasier said than done.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (20:05):
So what does that look like for you with
relationships that you hadbefore that you let go?
Danay @soberinhouston (20:10):
Yeah, for me, it was more like they would
say, I would say I'm being soI'm sober.
I'm trying to be sober.
I'm working on it, blah, blah,blah.
But like hanging out with them,they would offer, I know you say
that you're doing this, but Ithink you'll be fine with one
drink or How long have you beensober?
You've been doing pretty good.
Why don't you go ahead?
And so weeding out those people,because a lot of them were the
(20:33):
ones I least expected, right?
Like they were the ones who Ithought were my ride or die.
And then, it's late at night andyou just want somebody to be
fucked up with you.
Or people that I realized didn'tvalue my company if I wasn't
intoxicated,
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (20:49):
I feel like shifting dynamics sometimes
plays a role.
People don't like that becauseit makes them uncomfortable or
it's less fun for them somehow,but then it forces them to look
at themselves.
Exactly.
It forces them to look atthemselves.
And if I have to be the butt ofthe joke, if I have to be like,
at the expense of theentertainment then you're not
(21:11):
really there for me.
You're not really like theperson I thought you were.
Or maybe I valued thatrelationship greater than I
should because shiftingrelationships is hard especially
you pointed out some people thatyou didn't anticipate would
respond that way.
I think that's the hurtful part,too, when you, because we, I
think we all know our partyfriends are, quote, unquote,
(21:32):
just party friends.
This is some time, but when youthink it's a real friend or a
real person that's there foryou, and then they don't show up
the way that you need them to,that can be, I think, really
difficult.
Danay @soberinhouston (21:43):
Right.
And especially when you'retrying to get sober because,
we're so raw and vulnerableduring that time like you feel
everything for the first time ina long time.
So when somebody really hurtsyour feeling that you hurt your
feelings that you thought was avery true and dear friend.
I feel like you feel it in adifferent way.
It's more of just like thisultimate betrayal because you're
(22:04):
feeling like I need you now morethan ever.
Because I don't even know who Iam, but I feel like you're my
person.
You're my friend that you mightknow me.
So please support me.
And instead to get, just treatedlike, Actually if you're not
intoxicated, your opiniondoesn't matter.
Or if you're not going to getdrunk with me, then your
position in this friend groupdoesn't, it's not there.
(22:27):
That shit is hurtful.
It can make you feel like, yourcharacter is wrong or the way
you handle drinking or socialexperiences is wrong.
Because you're getting treatedthat way.
So you have to change yourmentality, your thought process,
what you believe in friends,your value.
Sometimes sobriety is across theboard change everything about
(22:50):
your life.
But if you really focus on youand what you're about, it can be
beautiful.
And it usually is.
It's so beautiful.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (22:58):
I've never heard anyone say they regret
getting sober.
I can say that if it doesn'texist, come on the show.
Cause I want to talk to you.
I want to touch on FOMO becauseyou cited that before as a
trigger point for you.
And I feel like that's like yousaid, we're so vulnerable and
raw in the early wee hours orwee stages of sobriety.
(23:19):
So what did that look like foryou?
And then how did that lead youto finding community.
Also, I'm curious to know, I'madding layers here, also curious
to know, did you know any soberpeople before you got sober?
Because I didn't know anyone,like sober friends that you
would actually want to hang outwith.
Danay @soberinhouston (23:40):
Right.
That's a good thing.
I remember why you just said it.
And it's on my mind.
I do remember when I first gotsober, I made a vision board of
all the things I wanted.
And one of the big things onthere was sober friends, right?
I didn't have any I didn't haveany sober friends and I didn't
even know what a sober person myage really looked like,
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (23:58):
I don't know why I just always imagined
the worst.
You look so lame.
Anyway,
Danay @soberinhouston (24:02):
I'm so lame.
Seriously.
And when I did go to AA becauseI was court ordered for a while
before I decided to get sober, Iwould get drunk before I would
go to my AA meeting.
I would go to happy hour, getsome margaritas, walk in buzzed,
and I would sit there and judgethem.
Everybody's so lame or they'vehad such a hard life.
Of course they were alcoholics.
(24:24):
You don't, if you don't see yourrepresentation, you think.
It's not there, and that's why Ithink women like us, black
women, younger women, us makinga platform, speaking our truth
is super important becausesomeone else is seeing this and
not even knowing that it waspossible, changing their
thought, their mind, But okay,that was a layer.
What was the question?
(24:45):
I missed it.
Yeah,
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Nadine Mulvina - TSB (26:13):
I asked you three questions in one.
I wanted to know, you answeredthe one about okay, did you
really have, know anyone thatwas sober that you would have
wanted to know?
That was one question.
Then I was just to know likeFOMO, how you reframed how you
saw FOMO because I know that wasa trigger for you before.
So yeah, I think those were thetwo main things I was looking
at.
Danay @soberinhouston (26:34):
I'm a Gemini.
I've always been a very socialperson.
It's just who I am.
So, like the thought of beingsober to me meant that I
couldn't go out at all.
I thought sobriety meant thatyou just sit at home all day,
you watch TV, you don't doanything, you don't go anywhere
because, I was also thinkingfrom a mentality that I can't be
around alcohol and not drink it.
(26:55):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like I was like, that's not evenpossible.
So I've only left with theselittle options that don't
include alcohol.
Not knowing that at some pointyou can, and there are other
options.
So I would, be on my phonelooking at my friends, out
having the time of their lives.
Or they would text me and inviteme places and, some of them
(27:17):
were, with the best.
intentions, right?
But they can't control theircousin that they haven't seen
forever that comes up to themand is trying to buy everybody
shots.
That's an awkward fucking momentfor everyone involved.
And so trying to navigate thatand feel comfortable was hard.
I get really bad social anxiety.
(27:38):
So That was like my biggesttrigger, too, because preparing
to go out was triggering.
I had to change the way I didfor when I got ready.
I had to have my meditation.
I had to, practice my breathing,make sure I have enough time to
get ready so I don't get anxiousor stressed out or feel like I
need a drink to take the edgeoff.
You just have to find new toolsto handle stressful situations.
(28:02):
Yeah.
So, but yeah, the FOMO wasdefinitely the worst.
It was definitely the worst.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (28:07):
How did you start Sober Girls Houston?
What, how did that come to be?
Danay @soberinhouston (28:13):
Yeah.
So there's the app meetup.
I don't know if you ever heardof it where you can just go in
and type in your interest.
Of to me.
Right.
So, it was like maybe a fewyears before I decided to get
sober, I went on there because Iwas diagnosed as bipolar.
And so I was looking for bipolarmeetups for black women, other
women that had the same issue,the same medical condition.
And so I finally one day waslike that really worked out for
(28:36):
me.
I was able to find other people.
Maybe I should do something forsober women, because again, I
was looking for community.
I was looking for sober friendsbecause I didn't have any.
All my friends were going outand getting drunk, so I needed
to find something different tosee what that would look like.
And I remember when, like thefirst woman signed up, I freaked
(28:57):
out.
I was like Oh my God, like evenknowing there was just one other
person in this huge city ofHouston that had the same
thought and was interested in anon alcohol centered event.
That shit was crazy.
It was crazy.
It was absolutely insane.
But finding that community wassomething that I didn't expect
to change my life the way itdid.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (29:19):
That's amazing.
So it started literally with oneperson also being like, Hey, I
want to connect to I'm sober.
Were you looking specificallyfor black sober women or was it
just sober women or like whatwas the importance for you to
find as we talked touched onbefore representation in
(29:40):
sobriety that kind of aligned tomaybe some of the values and the
experiences that you had.
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(30:23):
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Danay @soberinhouston (31:29):
When I made the group also during this
time, I was going back toschool, so I was in school
learning about chemicaldependency, learning about
addiction, all of this stuff.
So when I decided to make thegroup, I was also thinking of
more like a support group orbecause I had been, leading
these groups at my, myfacilities that I was doing for
school.
So I really thought about just Iwanted to reach the masses,
(31:52):
right?
So I wanted it to just make sureit was women centered, which was
my only goal.
And that was from my experiencebecause in AA, the men prey on
you in there.
I don't know if you've everexperienced that or if you
haven't.
Girl,
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (32:08):
girl, listen, okay, and that meetings
are to coerce you into datingsomebody that you have no
business like, sorry, I just gothere.
Okay, wait, time one.
Oh, you might say a meeting inperson was a coed meeting.
And I sat down and It was like abig enough space to where there
(32:31):
were empty chairs, basically.
Decided to move from where hewas sitting, come sit directly
next to me, and then startedpassing me little papers asking
me to go out with him as I'mtrying to listen to people
share.
I'm just like, what ishappening?
That was my first impression ofAA and it almost ran me out the
door because I was just like, Idon't like that.
(32:53):
And then at the end of themeeting, he came up to me and
was like, all in my face, askingme out and another woman had to
come save me.
She was like, he does that.
Just, go basically go away.
It was crazy.
Anyway, sorry.
Time in,
Danay @soberinhouston (33:06):
but no, seriously, it happens.
And this is where you leastexpect it.
Right.
Because again, you're sovulnerable.
You're so raw.
Everybody there is also supposedto be the way or at least
understand that.
You know what I mean?
And the same thing happened tome.
Like you go outside and try tosmoke or you go stand up there.
Here they come like pariahs,it's ridiculous.
And so I was like, my main goalwas like, I need to make sure
(33:29):
there's a safe space for women.
I don't give a fuck what type ofwoman you are.
I just want it to be alcohol,not alcohol centered space.
For women across the board.
So that was like what I wasthinking when I created it.
That's where my mind was aboutsafe space for women.
So yeah, I created a meetupwhere we could all meet up and
talk about our sobriety.
(33:50):
I had no agenda, no idea reallywhat we were going to do.
But yeah, I made sure we wentsomewhere that had mocktails and
I did a mocktail flight and Ialways ask them when we start A
event.
What brought you here?
Why did you decide to cometoday?
And that question alone willopen up the floor because you
learn so much about someone likemaybe they're sober, curious,
(34:12):
maybe they're this is day two ofthem trying to be sober or, you
just never know.
And that really built thecommunity and it really opened
up more ideas for different typeof events to host, and it just
it started.
It got the ball rolling.
That first event did.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (34:28):
I love that.
And so what was the evolution ofSober Girls Houston from that
first inception of you justwanting a space for women to
what it is today?
Danay @soberinhouston (34:40):
Yeah.
I think when it first startedout again, I just was so excited
that even one person wanted tohang out and talk about being
sober.
And then once I really startedit taught me a lot about women
in recovery because I had neverbeen to rehab.
That was not my story, myexperience.
And working at these differentrecovery facilities, meeting
women who were fighting to gettheir kids back.
(35:03):
Meeting women who were leavingabusive relationships that kind
of changed more of, just hostingevents was cool, making a sober
space at the club or like a popup picnic or like a mocktail pop
up or dance classes.
That was great.
But I also started to veer moreinto like outreach, going out to
(35:23):
different women's homes andmaking sure they have free yoga
or Attorneys to come out andtalk about their options for
what they were going throughwith their children and, things
like that.
So I feel like now I'm reallyopening sober girls up more,
especially since this moved toTulsa.
More to have sober girlseverywhere.
We want sober girls, Tulsa.
(35:44):
We want sober girls, New York.
Because when you learn that youcan create a safe space for
women, you just want iteverywhere.
You know what I mean?
So I'm just trying to expand,build on it, make sure it's all
about outreach and more thanjust.
Parties and mocktails, but alsogoing to these facilities and
(36:05):
going out and reaching the womenwho are still in the thick of
this shit.
You know what I mean?
I love that,
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (36:10):
which goes back to access.
I really appreciate like thisinitiative or this vision that
you have, because.
I think I mentioned addictionaffects everyone, right?
Like we're all afflicted,doesn't matter age, gender,
race, whatever, or creed.
You'll find alcoholism and otherforms of addiction, but the
access is lacking.
(36:32):
There's a huge disparity there.
And so women, black women,especially, I just feel like
maybe we're less, I don't know.
I don't want to say maybe.
I feel like there's lessaccounts that I see.
I'm speaking very surface levelhere.
Just in terms of representation,going back to that there's less
people who are forthcoming maybeabout their story who are black.
(36:53):
And I think that's connected tosystemic racism, right?
We don't want another thing.
That's like another back, right?
Or another letter to whatever.
So, I just feel like that couldbe a big part of why less of us
are talking about.
How we have overcome or justlike even when you're going
through the process of becomingsober it's difficult to like
(37:16):
necessarily be Open about that,which is why once again, you're
talking about this so thank youfor that work.
And as you're expanding, itdoesn't necessarily live in the
city.
It lives in you and like whereyou decide to bring those
communities.
so that it can even spreadfurther and have a wider reach.
so much.
So that's amazing.
(37:36):
Yeah.
Danay @soberinhouston (37:38):
It's thank you.
It's also like you were saying,like the FOMO.
Cause like when I would go tothese like the recovery centers,
a lot of the women are like,we're bored.
We're so fucking bored, causeeven once they get out of there,
a lot of them make roommates,cause of the women that they met
in there.
So it's easier.
They help them with housing, buteven they've got this sober
buddy, what they're like, wedon't know what to do.
(37:58):
They've never tried a soberlife.
You know what I mean?
So I think it's really importantfor us, especially as black
women to show other sober blackwomen, you can still do all
these things.
You can still like you travelout of the country and have
amazing time.
You can still go differentcities and find sober
alternatives, and you can linkup with other sober women in
(38:21):
your community.
But like you said, sober blackwomen is super hard, and I think
I found you.
Literally searching underneaththe hashtag sober black woman,
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (38:32):
I'm happy with just like sharing stories
right now through my podcast,right?
Like my blog and Instagram.
But yes, to go back to what youwere saying, we, if we can
collaborate, if we can dosomething I would happily join
forces or help to bring thisinitiative to New York, because
there's a lot of us out heretoo.
Danay @soberinhouston (38:51):
Yeah.
And I think, I've been talkingto a few different girls that
are in California and talkingabout doing like a sober
Coachella, you know what I mean?
We've been trying to plan thisfor a few months.
Doesn't that sound fun?
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (39:01):
I would a hundred percent be game for
that.
Yes.
Danay @soberinhouston (39:05):
Okay.
We're planning some influencerstuff to grow.
I already have you written down.
I was like, I already know whowe're going to get.
Okay.
Because really it's likedifferent cities.
Like California is alreadypretty much living this like
sober lifestyle.
People talk about Californiasober, but also they're very
much about their body andkeeping, their bodies healthy.
And they know alcohol is poison.
(39:25):
So they don't, I mean, for them,it's like that simple.
It's pretty simple, actually, ifyou think about
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (39:30):
it.
I want to be healthy.
Let me not put this poison in mybody, injustice poison.
Yeah.
Danay @soberinhouston (39:37):
Like that part, but you know, and It's
just like finding other womenwho are saying that I feel like
I followed all six of the soberblack women I followed
underneath that hashtag, but Ican still tell you to this day
that each one of them are stillin my comments telling me to
keep going and lifting me up andsending me messages like some of
(39:58):
the most supportive people I'veever experienced in my life that
I've never met.
You know what I mean?
And that part to me shows youhow important community is and
how powerful it is when you findthe right people to help you
grow to lift you as you climb,to, help you aspire to reach the
goals that you want and that youdeserve.
Cause our addiction kept us downfor so long, and we just have to
(40:20):
be the example for the women whoare still fighting.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (40:23):
I love that.
Yeah.
The best way to be the exampleis to lead through your own.
Daily choices.
I'm still like, that's just whatit comes down to because one who
has tried even when I had noplace or business trying to
change someone else's course.
When I've been doing the workfor myself, because ironically,
(40:45):
I did the work, other peoplekind of followed suit, but
sometimes you want to seesomeone else do it, right?
Danay @soberinhouston (40:52):
Yes.
Have you experienced that a lot?
To me, it kind of blew my mind.
Like I'll have friends come upto me and start telling me about
their struggles, which I neverknew they had.
Or Start talking about someonein their family that, they're
kind of worried about.
Once you're able to be thatvulnerable, people see that.
That's why vulnerability is sucha strength, because they're
like, holy shit, if Denae canhandle this, if Nadine, if they
(41:14):
can do this, anything'spossible.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (41:17):
And honestly, this is where I had to
learn to give people gracebecause I'm quick to cut people
off.
I'm a very black and whitethinker.
And when I was so sensitive inthe early parts of my sobriety,
and I do think I cut some peopleoff who had no business being in
my life.
But there were people who I knewwere there for me, but were not
(41:39):
receptive or as receptive as Iwould have hoped them to be when
I got sober.
And I realized, to your pointearlier, that it had less to do
with me, it was more to do withtheir relationship with alcohol.
Not that they didn't want me tosucceed, but it was a threat, it
was a threat to theirrelationship with alcohol oh, to
use oh shit, Nadine's sober whatdoes that mean for me?
(41:59):
Cause I was right there withher, doing the same thing.
So, long story short, thosepeople now have not all of them,
but a lot of them have eitherquit drinking or severely,
significantly reduced theirintake.
Reduced.
And then, right now, it'svirtually zero.
They're never drinking.
Me, because I'm leading byexample, it's I'm still having
(42:20):
to show you that I'm here.
Present having a good timebecause guess what I'm quick to
leave if I'm not when I used todrink and party I wasn't having
a good time.
So I was drinking more just tomake myself have a good time
Like where's the logic there isno logic If I'm not enjoying it,
you will know because I'm goingto be like, good night.
So,
Danay @soberinhouston (42:39):
bye.
You know what, actually, there'san episode of Project Runway
waiting for me at home.
So I'm actually going to leave.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (42:45):
Exactly.
Like I have better things to do.
I'm not going to try and makethe best out of the situation
when there, there's nothing goodhappening here.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like a lot of the people that Iwas either hanging around
drinking that I still have in mylife, right?
Like true friends.
Maybe it's maturity in terms ofage, but I think a lot of people
(43:06):
have really reduced theirintake.
Which is beautiful and I hopeit's a cultural movement going
back to what we see inCalifornia.
I feel like the shift in societyis happening.
I don't know if it's justbecause I'm so like deep in the
sober life and I'm like off thestick about the rest of the
world.
But I do think there is a changefrom me getting sober two and a
(43:29):
half years ago to now.
I think more people are likeopen to.
When I say I'm super like peopleare like, what?
You don't like no one's likereally responding anymore.
But yeah.
Danay @soberinhouston (43:39):
Yeah, no, I agree.
It definitely is changing.
Especially even I noticed movingto Tulsa.
Like even having thatconversation, like people are
like, Oh, okay.
And then they start telling melike, Oh, I tried this mocktail
one time and it was really good.
You know what I mean?
And I feel like especiallywomen, because there's, All the
things that happen when you goout and get too intoxicated and
seeing a mocktail as an optionto keep you from getting in
(44:01):
those situations has come intoplay a lot more than I think it
used to.
Like when we were out partying,I never even heard of a
mocktail.
I couldn't tell you what amocktail was.
If someone offered me one.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (44:15):
But I feel like everybody knew what it was,
but I literally thought it waslike a pregnant woman's drink.
I was like, Oh, like that's whatpregnant women drink.
But I didn't think that it wasever an option for me.
I'm not interested in yourmocktail.
I'm not pregnant.
What are you even offering me?
Danay @soberinhouston (44:31):
And also my friends when they go out now,
like I can tell they're notdrinking as much'cause I'm
there.
Do you notice that they'reholding back like a little bit
or a they're holding back.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (44:41):
I'm not mad at it like, yeah, if I
either, I'm gonna be the reasonwhy you don't have a hangover
tomorrow.
You can thank me later.
Okay.
Danay @soberinhouston (44:47):
You don't have to ask me.
If it's okay, if you drinkaround me, but don't come over
here, like pouring shots downyour throat and chugging beers
in my presence and expect me tobe cool with that,
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (44:58):
oh, smell the tannins on this red girl,
like that, that, that will getyou when they see me mad.
That will get me
Danay @soberinhouston (45:04):
mad.
You hear me?
Like the audacity.
Do you still have friends thatrandomly be like, do you want to
try?
Oh, never mind.
I forgot.
Yeah, I do.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (45:12):
I had here's a true story.
I went to like a friend'sgraduation spring of last year
and one of a mutual friend fromcollege.
It's always the friends fromcollege, right?
Always.
He was like, I know you don'tdrink, but do you want some of
this coke?
I
was
like
(45:32):
Make it make sense.
I was like, oh, no thank you.
I just had to laugh.
In that moment, I just had tolaugh because I'm like, he was
dead ass serious, first of all.
He was.
I'm just like, yeah, like it, Iwas like, thank God for growth.
Like I, I wasn't even mad.
I was just like, this is funnyto me.
Like the, you were over hereasking me if I want to do drugs
(45:54):
with you and I don't drink.
So
Danay @soberinhouston (45:56):
why would you think?
And that's the part they don'tthink at all.
They're not thinking.
He
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (46:02):
was offering it to me.
So let's just start with that.
I don't think he was really, Ithink he was being inclusive.
But yeah, I told you havefriends who do the nevermind
thing.
Answer your question.
But not so much, people that Idon't really hang out with very
often, college friends, andit'll be like a situation where
it's Maybe it's legit'cause theydon't see me.
(46:23):
I know who I can actually go tothe bar with, who's going to be
respectful versus who I shouldjust maybe say hey let's go to
the movies.
Let's go to a mutual place.
And even back in one of mydrinking days, no place was
really neutral because at anypoint I could make it a drinking
activity.
So yeah, that's just me justbeing conscientious of who my
(46:44):
friends are and knowing thecircles.
Do you get that?
Do you find that people are overthere asking, so Oh they forget
in the moment.
Right.
Danay @soberinhouston (46:52):
Like I have and I feel I have to like,
At the same time, respect thembecause I did a lot of times say
I'm being sober and not besober.
You know what I mean?
And I feel like in those momentswhen I would be lying to other
people like my parents or likecertain friends, there were
those friends that I didn't liein front of.
(47:12):
You know what I mean?
Like they would hear me or seeme lying, but they would also be
Bring me that shot.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
They were in on it.
So it took a while for thosefriends to realize, no I'm
really serious.
Like for real.
No.
This is no joke.
Like I'm for real this time.
So I feel like those friendstelling the truth today.
(47:34):
Right.
So those small group of friends.
Took a long time or they justleft, which I have to respect
because who wants that up anddown?
Is she sober for real or is shenot?
You know what I mean?
Like I completely understand,but I'm dead ass serious this
time, and kind of like you saidcollege friends or like cousins
(47:56):
of friends that I haven't seen,since I got sober.
But I do love that my friends,that protect me, like I never
even knew they had so much basein their voice all of a sudden,
if we go out and, a waiter comeslike, what can I get y'all to
drink?
She doesn't drink,
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (48:10):
that's amazing.
That's really cute.
I love that.
Danay @soberinhouston (48:14):
Yeah.
So it's a mix, but like yousaid, as your journey goes on,
the ones that aren't there, Imean, they really, Don't even
exist anymore.
I mean,
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (48:23):
to be honest, I feel like it's mutual.
Like they, they know what thedeal is.
It's like the trash takesitself, right?
I shouldn't even call it trash.
It's some people the deal theshe's friends.
Yeah.
Like the people that be in mylife are in my life.
And the people who are not, andthe seasons come and go, like
relationships.
I feel like e ebb and flow and,I'm not saying no to some people
(48:46):
who are not in my life no, youcan never come back again, but
not under the same pretenses orcontext that you knew me as
before.
Cause I think some people dohave a hard time accepting this
version of you, like DNA.
Yeah.
Like it's just, some peoplecan't handle it.
Right.
Danay @soberinhouston (49:04):
Yeah, not meant for them.
They are allowed to move thefuck around.
But I do feel like that too.
I do feel like that, like beingable to see those friends, like
to be able to be aware of thatbecause I feel like, like you
said I'll let them back in,because, nobody's cut off
forever until you, actuallyprove that you need to be cut
off forever.
But I feel like sometimes inthose situations, like as soon
(49:25):
as I start hanging out with themagain, I'm like, Oh, I know why
I'm not here anymore.
Like your whole body feels it.
You feel forced in theconversation.
Cause you can't feel like youcan truly be yourself, so it
kind of definitely weeds itselfout because you're like, I don't
even feel right trying to hangout with you.
Like my spirit is completelydifferent.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (49:47):
The spirit thing is real sorry to cut you
off the spirit like I'm learninga lot because I realized not
everything is articulated withwords, feelings, emotions, like
the physical sensations that Ifeel around people intuitively I
listen to a lot more and I feellike my sobriety.
(50:08):
Has unlocked my intuition moreto where I'm able to get in
touch with wait, this is reallyin my body right now.
I don't feel good.
And it's, oh, yes, this person'saround, or when I feel like I
can't hear my successes or talkabout my sobriety, because I
don't know why, because you're ahater, basically, or you don't
really want to see how it feelslike, right?
(50:30):
Like in those instances, I don'tneed that.
I need to be like that.
Danay @soberinhouston (50:35):
That's truly one of the best gifts
about sobriety, right?
Is that intuition, because Ifelt the same way.
And I remember even testingmyself okay, let me just see I
know what I feel, but let mejust see what happens.
And then every time it happens,I should have cut that person
off.
Like I shouldn't even, Gave themchance after chance.
Like your spirit is telling youwhat you need to do.
But yeah, those moments arecrazy.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (50:57):
You can't numb out.
You can't distort the truthanymore.
It is what it is, right?
Danay @soberinhouston (51:02):
It is okay.
What you feel is true.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (51:05):
I loved this conversation.
I feel like I learned so muchabout you, about Sober Girls
Houston, about just like the,even like we just talked about
the sensations and FOMO andeverything in between.
It was such a fun conversation,but also like I've learned so
much from you, Danae.
I'm very excited.
I'm going to open up the spacejust in case you want to plug
(51:26):
anything or share anything.
This is a good opportunity to doso.
Danay @soberinhouston (51:30):
Okay.
Yeah.
I just want to let everybodyknow to follow me on Instagram
at sober girls, HTX, and you canalso follow my personal journey
at randomly rude as well onInstagram.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (51:40):
I love it.
I will plug all of that in theshow notes below.
Thank you so much, Janaye.
Good luck in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
I know it's just been a weekwritten change, but I know
you're gonna do amazing.
Yes.
And we'll have to do a
Danay @soberinhouston (51:54):
check in after six months or something.
Yeah, so I
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (51:57):
want to hear about your sober community
journey in Tulsa as well.
I appreciate you coming.
Yes.
Thank you, Denae.
Danay @soberinhouston (52:04):
Thank you for having me.
It's been a beautifulexperience.
Thank you.
Nadine Mulvina - TSB (52:10):
Thank you for being here, and thank you
for allowing me to hold space inyour day as you listen to this
podcast.
If you enjoyed today's episode,please, please do me a favor and
one, make sure you're followingthe show so that you can stay up
to date with everything elsethat's happening.
And two.
Please, please leave a review asit helps more people find the
(52:33):
show.
I would appreciate even more ifit's a five star review, but do
what's right for you.
Do what you think I deserve,thank you so much, and I'll see
you next week.
Bye bye.
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