August 26, 2025 • 20 mins
How to be a better partner in a long-term relationship isn’t about perfection, it’s about growth, awareness, and real connection.
In this episode of The Wellness Connection, Fiona Kane shares honest lessons from over 35 years of marriage, including how to manage emotions, avoid emotional landmines, and communicate with love instead of defensiveness.
Whether you're in a committed relationship or preparing for one, this conversation offers practical tips and deep reflections on what truly helps love last.
Learn more about booking a nutrition consultation with Fiona: https://informedhealth.com.au/
Learn more about Fiona's speaking and media services: https://fionakane.com.au/
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The Beat of Nature
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Fiona Kane (00:00):
Hello and welcome to the Wellness Connection Podcast
.
I'm your host, Fiona Kane.
Today I'm going to talk alittle bit about relationships.
Now, I'm not a relationshipexpert by any means, and so this
is really just general thingsI've learned along the way for
myself and, in general, justworking with my clients.
So it's just sort of some tipsand some ideas and things that I
(00:22):
have learned that help withyour, with romantic
relationships, with them, withbasically making a marriage work
, uh so, but also anything to dowith relationships obviously
expands out to otherrelationships, because just
learning how to have a healthyrelationship, uh yeah, obviously
that works in lots of differentways.
So one of the things I'velearned, that one of the most
(00:43):
important things I've learned,is that we can't change what
other people do.
We can't force people to bedifferent.
We can't force people to dodifferent things.
We can't force or changeanother person.
What we can do is we can makechanges ourselves.
So my starting point is alwayswell, what can you do that's
different within you?
Because sometimes I find thatyou know I was guilty of this
(01:08):
myself kind of saying, oh, whydoesn't he do this, or why does
he do that, or I wish he woulddo this other thing.
And then I kind of I turned itaround and thought, well, what
would elicit that behavior inhim?
And it's not going to benagging or saying you should do
this or you should do that.
I said, well, what behavior inhim.
And it's not going to benagging or saying you should do
this or you should do that.
I said, well, what, whatbehavior in me?
(01:28):
What's something I could dodifferent that would change the
way that he responds and Inoticed that that did make quite
a difference.
So just taking ownership forhow I was being now, what that
looks like in your relationshipit might be lots of different
things.
So it might mean making aneffort to to you know it's like
depends on that person's lovelanguage, right.
(01:49):
So it might mean making theeffort to do something that
helps them out, or organizing aromantic dinner or a romantic
time, or cooking a dinner, theirfavorite dinner, or just being
kinder, even if you're feelingangry and even if you're feeling
hurt, just trying to approachthe situation and trying to
(02:12):
approach the person with love,because often when we're feeling
hurt and resentful, what we dois we punish our partner.
So we either punish them withwe're kind of mean, or we get
cold and distant or all thedifferent kinds of ways that we
respond when we're feeling hurtand we're feeling angry or we're
(02:33):
feeling like we're missing out.
But of course, when we startbehaving that way, we get the
opposite of what we're lookingfor, because usually they kind
of start to withdraw or they getangry or they get frustrated,
and then you've got two peopleeither withdrawn from each other
or frustrated with each otheror whatever, and you know,
obviously it kind of just keepssnowballing and gets worse and
worse.
So really a big part of this inmy experience is owning your
(02:57):
own behavior, owning your ownfeelings and learning how to
process your own feelings andchange your own behaviors.
Now there will be situationswhere, look, in some situations
you're with a narcissisticpartner who you know.
If you're in a situation whereyou can't do anything right, no
matter what you do, it's alwayswrong, there's never going to be
enough.
It's a whole differentsituation.
(03:19):
Go and get help for that,because no matter how much
you're changing yourself, that'snot going to help anything.
But I'm just talking for, youknow, the average couple where
you know we're justmiscommunicating or things a bit
flat, things not going so well.
These strategies definitelywork in those situations.
So it's really.
(03:39):
And the other thing too is thatif you work on yourself so
whether it be working on howwell you manage your emotions
and rather than acting outstraight away, that you, you
know, be calmer, if you work onthings like your health and your
mental health and all of thosethings, that will bode well for
(04:00):
you anyway, will bode well foryou in life, will bode well for
you in life, it will bode wellfor you in your career or all
aspects of your life, and ifthis relationship doesn't work
out, it will also bode well foryou in your relationship.
So there's kind of no, youcan't lose by working on
yourself.
You know, still a benefit, nomatter what.
But the other thing, too is justgoing back to what I was just
(04:22):
talking about there before yourowning your behaviors, your
responses and things.
This is a really big one for me, because when I was younger I
was a bit of a hothead.
Look, I still do.
I get angry sometimes.
We all know the differentemotions that we experience and
how well we manage them, thatsort of stuff.
(04:43):
I mean.
Now, it's human.
Of course I get angry sometimes, but when I was younger, I
really didn't cope with it verywell, or I didn't know how to
manage my emotions or comfortmyself or regulate my emotions.
And what I used to do when I wasmuch younger I've been with my
(05:03):
husband for 35 years now what Iused to do is I used to do when
I was much younger I've beenwith my husband for 35 years now
.
What I used to do is I used tokind of what I would call throw
landmines into the room, and alandmine would be a cutting
remark, a snarky remark, a joke,but the joke wasn't a funny
joke, the joke was on, it wascruel, right.
(05:24):
So essentially, what I did is Iused my wit or my words or my
intellect or whatever I usedthose things to basically to to
harm my partner, to harm myhusband and I.
So I'll just throw theselandmines in, and you know I
would feel better because, well,I got that off my system, right
(05:44):
.
But it didn't help anythingbecause what I literally had
done is thrown, you know, anemotional landmine into the room
, and when you do that it harmseverybody in the room, right?
So it harms you, harms yourpartner, and you know if you've
got children or other people.
You know, obviously it justharms everyone, and it took me a
while to realize that that'swhat I was doing.
(06:06):
And then it wasn't.
You know, there was no win-win,there was no win at all.
And of course you'd sort offeel like, oh, like, oh good, I
got that off my system.
But then straight away you'dfeel like, yeah, and then what?
Did I win anything?
And the answer was no, I didn'twin anything and I just damaged
my relationship.
And you keep doing that forlong enough.
(06:34):
And then you wonder why youdon't have a healthy
relationship.
There's a clue, and it's funnybecause I didn't see that I was
doing it.
One day my husband pointed itout to me.
I won't go into details becauseI don't want to.
He's not on this podcast, hedoesn't want to.
But yeah, one day he justpretty much held up a mirror to
me and said look, I'm not, don'ttalk to me like that, that's
not okay, whatever.
And it's the first time Iactually saw what I was doing
(07:00):
and I really I was quite shockedthat I saw what I was doing.
I saw this behavior because Ididn't think I was that kind of
person.
I thought I was a kind, nice,lovely person, all these things,
all these ideas I had about whoI was, and he basically held up
a mirror.
And what that allowed me to do,though, is because I could have
(07:21):
just been angry at him forholding up the mirror and said
no, no, I'm fine, it's just allyou.
But I must have just had, youknow, had that aha moment, had
that insight, and what I did isI started to notice, I started
to.
It's almost like I just startedto observe.
I started to observe mybehavior, and I started to
notice that I used to sort ofuse my words as weapons, and
(07:42):
when I started to notice that,at first I was just observing it
, but then, over time, when youstart to observe it at first I
was just observing it, but then,over time, when you start to
observe it, you start to be ableto stop it, because what
happens is you see yourselfformulating the words and
getting ready to you know, throwthis landmine.
And then I was able to get to apoint where I'd say to myself
(08:06):
is that worth it?
Is it worth throwing that?
Do you really think it's a goodidea?
And so I was able to kind ofstart to change that behavior,
but so that was actually reallyhelpful, that I was able to
listen that time and reflect andobserve and see what I was
doing and, at a certain point,pull back and start to recognize
(08:29):
that that's what I was doing.
And so now I'm much more likelyto notice it and I've probably
diffused at least 90%, if notmore, of that kind of behavior
Probably more, actually, I'mdoing pretty well, but I've
diffused so much of it because Iwas willing to look at it, I
was willing to take ownership ofit and I was willing to change
it right.
(08:50):
And that has made a hugedifference, because we need to
feel safe in relationships.
And so if you're not feelingsafe or your partner's not
feeling safe, have a think aboutwhat that might be and, like I
said, we can only change our bit.
We can certainly communicate toour partner if they're willing
to listen, like my husbandcommunicated to me.
So we can communicate and sayno, I'm not feeling safe because
(09:13):
, like, whatever the thing is.
However, like I said, a lot ofwhat you can do is something
that you can do yourself.
That's about making changes foryou, learning how to regulate
your own emotions and learninghow to.
So you know, know what happensis because we get, like I was
talking about before, we'refeeling so hurt and hard, done
(09:35):
by and all the rest of it.
You know, we go to ourrespective corners and we don't
want to.
No one wants to be the firstone to, you know, to give in or
to give up or whatever it is.
But you know, the truth is thatit doesn't get better until
someone is actually willing toto um, you know, basically put
the hand out.
You know, so when, if youreally love that person and or
(09:58):
if you did once really love thatperson and you feel like you
know you really want this towork, you want to make this
happen, then you really need tofind that spot in your heart of
that love that you have for thatperson, or at least that
affection, or even if you haverespect or whatever level of
whatever it is that you feel forthat person.
We need to be willing toactually kind of come from that
(10:18):
place and just tap into that andgo no, actually I really do
love this person.
Right now I'm feeling very hurtand angry, but I really do love
this person.
So what I'm going to do is I'mgoing to approach the situation
love.
I'm going to approach theperson with love, because when
you approach a person with love,you're more likely to have that
person respond back in kind, asopposed to if you approach them
(10:40):
with anger and bitterness, andyou should do this, obviously.
If you approach someone in thatway, you're not going to get
the response you like, no matterhow justified you are.
You could be the most justifiedand you could be right and all
the rest of it, but good luckwith that right.
And it's that old adage.
I think it was Dr Phil, yeah,dr Phil used to say this all the
time do you want to be right ordo you want to be happy?
(11:02):
And that's actually a really,really good question to ask
yourself, because this is a bigthing in relationships Do you
want to be right or do you wantto be happy?
And so many people choose beingright because they want to be
right about whatever it is.
And even now you know peopleare breaking up over politics
and things like that.
Do you want to be right or doyou want to be happy?
(11:23):
Now, you know I'm not sayingthat that means you never, ever.
I'm not saying that means youcan't have any boundaries or you
can't have any standards andyou can't demand a certain type
of relationship or behavior.
Of course this isn't me sayinglet someone walk all over you
and treat you like crap and it'sonly ever your fault and you
(11:44):
should just put up with it andyou should put up with anything.
I'm not saying that at all.
All right.
So obviously, withinrelationships we still have, you
know, healthy boundaries ofwhatever that, whatever that
looks like for you and, and youknow we, we have a, you know we
get treated in a way that weexpect to be treated right.
So you know respect and all ofthose things.
(12:05):
So obviously you that kind offor me that's a given, that
that's there.
So I'm not sort of saying, oh,don't have any expectations.
Of course you have expectations, so you have those things there
.
But just remember, you know, doyou want to be right, do you
want to be happy?
Some people they like me in mycutting remarks or whatever they
(12:27):
want to win in the moment andthe win in the moment might feel
good, but that win in themoment is that, is it really a
win?
And so I would ask you if youfeel like being right is really
important to you when you reallystop and reflect on it.
Is that really a win?
And maybe sometimes insituations it is, but I just you
(12:49):
know and reassess that foryourself.
Is that really a win, the factthat I'm right about this and
I'm taking the moral high groundand I'm proving that I'm smart
and they're stupid, or whateverthe situation is Is that working
for you?
Is that helping therelationship?
Is that just another version ofa landmine or, you know, is
that just healthy negotiationabout a relationship?
(13:11):
I don't know, but it's worthasking yourself that question,
because do you want to be rightor do you want to be happy?
Well, I want to be happy mostof the time, but I do have a
need to be right as well.
I'm a bit of a smarty pants.
I think I know it all sometimesand so I balance that because I
just know that's my personalityand sometimes I just have to
ask so, fiona, do you reallywant to be right about this?
(13:34):
Is it that important to beright?
Because sometimes it's just notthat important.
There are situations where beingright and getting your own way
is really important, and thereare situations where it just
doesn't matter, and it's knowingthe difference.
It's knowing that reallydoesn't matter and that's the
other thing in relationships aswell.
Like, what we do sometimes iswe, we go on about every little
(13:55):
thing, about, you know, thedishwasher and this and that and
whatever.
And look again, I'm not sayingthis from some moral high ground
where I've never been thisperson Honestly, I'm saying it
because I am this personsometimes, you know.
So don't, it's not a judgment,but we go on about so many of
the little things that reallydon't matter and and and really
(14:16):
save kind of these bigconversations for the things
that really do matter, for thebig things.
Because if you just barb atyour partner over and over again
oh you didn't do this in adishwasher, if that's all I hear
from you, obviously thatdoesn't bode well for a
relationship because you're justgoing to feel attacked and
judged and they're going to feellike it's never enough and
(14:37):
never good enough, and I knowI'm absolutely guilty of that at
times.
So, like I said, no judgment,but ultimately, if you want a
healthy relationship, less ofthat would be really, really
useful.
So the other thing that I justwanted to bring up as well look,
obviously, relationships.
There's a lot in it and there'sa lot you could talk about and
(14:59):
I'm not going to cover it allhere today.
I'm just giving you some of thetips that have worked for me.
And ultimately, it's aboutlearning how to regulate your
own emotions, learning how toknow when you're throwing you
know, basically landmines into asituation.
Are you helping it?
Are you all about being rightand not being happy?
Is that working for you?
Are you coming at it with love?
You know those sorts of things.
(15:20):
Then there's one last thing Iwould mention to you is you know
, it's not healthy to have bigelephants in the room that we
don't talk about.
Sometimes it's just sometimesyou're actually going to do the
hard stuff and talk about thingsthat are hard, and we think
that avoiding them, you know, ishelpful.
But avoiding stuff is usuallynot helpful.
It just gets bigger and harderand all the rest of it, and one
(15:42):
of those is actually finances.
Now, finances, I think, is oneof the biggest issues in
relationships, where people havethe you know, the biggest
stress and breakups and all ofthe rest of it.
I would encourage you, no matterhow hard it is and I know that
my hubby and I we've had sometough financial times is you've
got to talk about it and you'vegot to get help and sometimes
(16:04):
that means you've got to get afinancial advisor.
Maybe you need to get acounselor as well, whatever you
need, but we've certainly workedwith financial advisors over
our time and had advice and hadhelp and just been really honest
.
Because, no matter how hard itis to be honest about finances
and to come clean and to try,you know it's really hard.
It's a real point ofvulnerability and sometimes it's
(16:29):
hard if there's an imbalance,if one person's earning more
than the other and one person'sspending too much or whatever.
All those things are reallyreally tricky and we do try and
avoid them because it's hard.
But avoiding them only makes itworse and you're more likely to
end up with your relationshipfalling apart.
So my advice to you is comeclean about those things,
because if you work with someonelike a financial advisor or
(16:51):
something like that, you canwork together.
If you're working as a team toresolve a problem, that works a
whole lot better than if you'rekind of like, not elephant in
the room, we're not going totalk about it, we're not going
to say anything, we're going topretend it's not happening, that
things just get worse when wedo that.
So that's in general in life,right Things don't get better if
we avoid them, if we pretendthey're not there.
Generally speaking, a lot ofproblems get worse when we don't
(17:14):
address them.
So my encouragement is ifthere's big elephants in the
room, that they've you know,you've got to talk about them,
you've got to have thiscommunication and um, and one of
those things is finances.
It's a really, really big onethat we avoid talking about and
we do that to our detriment.
So, anyway, it's a bit of ashorter episode today, but I
just wanted to give you just afew tips, a few things that I
(17:36):
have learned about healthyrelationships and things that we
can do to maintain healthyrelationships.
Ultimately, we need to feelsafe, we need to feel heard, but
we also need to be aware of,well, what are we doing to help
our partner feel safe and heard?
Sometimes it's all about thelist of the things we want, but
we don't think about well andeven just like, if you're not
(17:57):
with a partner yet and you'relooking for someone again, it's
not just like, because a lot ofwomen these days have this big
list, have this big list of whatthey want their partner to be.
You know, six foot tall, sixpack, you know, six figures, all
the rest of it.
He must do this and he musthave this and he must have that.
Great.
But how about?
What do you offer?
What do you bring to the party,right?
(18:18):
So I think we have to rememberwe've got to think about what we
bring to a relationship.
Are we looking after ourselves?
Are we eating well?
Are we managing our emotions?
Are we looking after our mentalhealth?
Are we looking after ourfinancial health?
Are we sensible with money, allthe things?
But what are we doing to makeus a better person all around?
(18:39):
What are you doing to makeyourself a better person all
around, whether it be spiritual,whatever it is?
Are you working on you?
Are you making sure that you'redoing well?
And if we are, then that'sattracting that other person.
But sometimes we've got thisbig long list and you know, if
you're sitting on the loungeeating your Doritos and your
trackies and you've got this biglong list for the other person,
(19:00):
maybe think about, think about.
Well, you know what's in it forthem as well, because a
relationship is a relationship.
It's going to be something init for both people.
So, yeah, anyway, just, youknow, what we can do is we can
control our own behavior, andwhat we can do is we can reflect
on whether or not we arebehaving in a way that is
(19:23):
helping or hindering thesituation.
So that's what I wouldencourage you to think about for
yourself.
So please like, subscribe, share, rate and review the podcast.
I'd really appreciate that.
Share this episode with afriend if you think that they
would benefit from it, and I'malways happy for people to
comment or reply or whicheverway, whether you're getting it
on YouTube or whether you'regetting it through your audio.
(19:46):
But I'm happy to hear what youthink as well, what your
thoughts are.
So what I like to do here ishave real conversations about
things that matter, andrelationships matter.
So I just thought I'd give youa little bit of the wisdom that
I have, a little bit of whatI've learned, and hopefully that
helps you.
I hope you have a great weekand I'll see you all again next
week.
Thank you, bye.
Hello and welcome to the Wellness Connection Podcast
.
I'm your host, Fiona Kane.
Today I'm going to talk alittle bit about relationships.
Now, I'm not a relationshipexpert by any means, and so this
is really just general thingsI've learned along the way for
myself and, in general, justworking with my clients.
So it's just sort of some tipsand some ideas and things that I
(00:22):
have learned that help withyour, with romantic
relationships, with them, withbasically making a marriage work
, uh so, but also anything to dowith relationships obviously
expands out to otherrelationships, because just
learning how to have a healthyrelationship, uh yeah, obviously
that works in lots of differentways.
So one of the things I'velearned, that one of the most
(00:43):
important things I've learned,is that we can't change what
other people do.
We can't force people to bedifferent.
We can't force people to dodifferent things.
We can't force or changeanother person.
What we can do is we can makechanges ourselves.
So my starting point is alwayswell, what can you do that's
different within you?
Because sometimes I find thatyou know I was guilty of this
(01:08):
myself kind of saying, oh, whydoesn't he do this, or why does
he do that, or I wish he woulddo this other thing.
And then I kind of I turned itaround and thought, well, what
would elicit that behavior inhim?
And it's not going to benagging or saying you should do
this or you should do that.
I said, well, what behavior inhim.
And it's not going to benagging or saying you should do
this or you should do that.
I said, well, what, whatbehavior in me?
(01:28):
What's something I could dodifferent that would change the
way that he responds and Inoticed that that did make quite
a difference.
So just taking ownership forhow I was being now, what that
looks like in your relationshipit might be lots of different
things.
So it might mean making aneffort to to you know it's like
depends on that person's lovelanguage, right.
(01:49):
So it might mean making theeffort to do something that
helps them out, or organizing aromantic dinner or a romantic
time, or cooking a dinner, theirfavorite dinner, or just being
kinder, even if you're feelingangry and even if you're feeling
hurt, just trying to approachthe situation and trying to
(02:12):
approach the person with love,because often when we're feeling
hurt and resentful, what we dois we punish our partner.
So we either punish them withwe're kind of mean, or we get
cold and distant or all thedifferent kinds of ways that we
respond when we're feeling hurtand we're feeling angry or we're
(02:33):
feeling like we're missing out.
But of course, when we startbehaving that way, we get the
opposite of what we're lookingfor, because usually they kind
of start to withdraw or they getangry or they get frustrated,
and then you've got two peopleeither withdrawn from each other
or frustrated with each otheror whatever, and you know,
obviously it kind of just keepssnowballing and gets worse and
worse.
So really a big part of this inmy experience is owning your
(02:57):
own behavior, owning your ownfeelings and learning how to
process your own feelings andchange your own behaviors.
Now there will be situationswhere, look, in some situations
you're with a narcissisticpartner who you know.
If you're in a situation whereyou can't do anything right, no
matter what you do, it's alwayswrong, there's never going to be
enough.
It's a whole differentsituation.
(03:19):
Go and get help for that,because no matter how much
you're changing yourself, that'snot going to help anything.
But I'm just talking for, youknow, the average couple where
you know we're justmiscommunicating or things a bit
flat, things not going so well.
These strategies definitelywork in those situations.
So it's really.
(03:39):
And the other thing too is thatif you work on yourself so
whether it be working on howwell you manage your emotions
and rather than acting outstraight away, that you, you
know, be calmer, if you work onthings like your health and your
mental health and all of thosethings, that will bode well for
(04:00):
you anyway, will bode well foryou in life, will bode well for
you in life, it will bode wellfor you in your career or all
aspects of your life, and ifthis relationship doesn't work
out, it will also bode well foryou in your relationship.
So there's kind of no, youcan't lose by working on
yourself.
You know, still a benefit, nomatter what.
But the other thing, too is justgoing back to what I was just
(04:22):
talking about there before yourowning your behaviors, your
responses and things.
This is a really big one for me, because when I was younger I
was a bit of a hothead.
Look, I still do.
I get angry sometimes.
We all know the differentemotions that we experience and
how well we manage them, thatsort of stuff.
(04:43):
I mean.
Now, it's human.
Of course I get angry sometimes, but when I was younger, I
really didn't cope with it verywell, or I didn't know how to
manage my emotions or comfortmyself or regulate my emotions.
And what I used to do when I wasmuch younger I've been with my
(05:03):
husband for 35 years now what Iused to do is I used to do when
I was much younger I've beenwith my husband for 35 years now
.
What I used to do is I used tokind of what I would call throw
landmines into the room, and alandmine would be a cutting
remark, a snarky remark, a joke,but the joke wasn't a funny
joke, the joke was on, it wascruel, right.
(05:24):
So essentially, what I did is Iused my wit or my words or my
intellect or whatever I usedthose things to basically to to
harm my partner, to harm myhusband and I.
So I'll just throw theselandmines in, and you know I
would feel better because, well,I got that off my system, right
(05:44):
.
But it didn't help anythingbecause what I literally had
done is thrown, you know, anemotional landmine into the room
, and when you do that it harmseverybody in the room, right?
So it harms you, harms yourpartner, and you know if you've
got children or other people.
You know, obviously it justharms everyone, and it took me a
while to realize that that'swhat I was doing.
(06:06):
And then it wasn't.
You know, there was no win-win,there was no win at all.
And of course you'd sort offeel like, oh, like, oh good, I
got that off my system.
But then straight away you'dfeel like, yeah, and then what?
Did I win anything?
And the answer was no, I didn'twin anything and I just damaged
my relationship.
And you keep doing that forlong enough.
(06:34):
And then you wonder why youdon't have a healthy
relationship.
There's a clue, and it's funnybecause I didn't see that I was
doing it.
One day my husband pointed itout to me.
I won't go into details becauseI don't want to.
He's not on this podcast, hedoesn't want to.
But yeah, one day he justpretty much held up a mirror to
me and said look, I'm not, don'ttalk to me like that, that's
not okay, whatever.
And it's the first time Iactually saw what I was doing
(07:00):
and I really I was quite shockedthat I saw what I was doing.
I saw this behavior because Ididn't think I was that kind of
person.
I thought I was a kind, nice,lovely person, all these things,
all these ideas I had about whoI was, and he basically held up
a mirror.
And what that allowed me to do,though, is because I could have
(07:21):
just been angry at him forholding up the mirror and said
no, no, I'm fine, it's just allyou.
But I must have just had, youknow, had that aha moment, had
that insight, and what I did isI started to notice, I started
to.
It's almost like I just startedto observe.
I started to observe mybehavior, and I started to
notice that I used to sort ofuse my words as weapons, and
(07:42):
when I started to notice that,at first I was just observing it
, but then, over time, when youstart to observe it at first I
was just observing it, but then,over time, when you start to
observe it, you start to be ableto stop it, because what
happens is you see yourselfformulating the words and
getting ready to you know, throwthis landmine.
And then I was able to get to apoint where I'd say to myself
(08:06):
is that worth it?
Is it worth throwing that?
Do you really think it's a goodidea?
And so I was able to kind ofstart to change that behavior,
but so that was actually reallyhelpful, that I was able to
listen that time and reflect andobserve and see what I was
doing and, at a certain point,pull back and start to recognize
(08:29):
that that's what I was doing.
And so now I'm much more likelyto notice it and I've probably
diffused at least 90%, if notmore, of that kind of behavior
Probably more, actually, I'mdoing pretty well, but I've
diffused so much of it because Iwas willing to look at it, I
was willing to take ownership ofit and I was willing to change
it right.
(08:50):
And that has made a hugedifference, because we need to
feel safe in relationships.
And so if you're not feelingsafe or your partner's not
feeling safe, have a think aboutwhat that might be and, like I
said, we can only change our bit.
We can certainly communicate toour partner if they're willing
to listen, like my husbandcommunicated to me.
So we can communicate and sayno, I'm not feeling safe because
(09:13):
, like, whatever the thing is.
However, like I said, a lot ofwhat you can do is something
that you can do yourself.
That's about making changes foryou, learning how to regulate
your own emotions and learninghow to.
So you know, know what happensis because we get, like I was
talking about before, we'refeeling so hurt and hard, done
(09:35):
by and all the rest of it.
You know, we go to ourrespective corners and we don't
want to.
No one wants to be the firstone to, you know, to give in or
to give up or whatever it is.
But you know, the truth is thatit doesn't get better until
someone is actually willing toto um, you know, basically put
the hand out.
You know, so when, if youreally love that person and or
(09:58):
if you did once really love thatperson and you feel like you
know you really want this towork, you want to make this
happen, then you really need tofind that spot in your heart of
that love that you have for thatperson, or at least that
affection, or even if you haverespect or whatever level of
whatever it is that you feel forthat person.
We need to be willing toactually kind of come from that
(10:18):
place and just tap into that andgo no, actually I really do
love this person.
Right now I'm feeling very hurtand angry, but I really do love
this person.
So what I'm going to do is I'mgoing to approach the situation
love.
I'm going to approach theperson with love, because when
you approach a person with love,you're more likely to have that
person respond back in kind, asopposed to if you approach them
(10:40):
with anger and bitterness, andyou should do this, obviously.
If you approach someone in thatway, you're not going to get
the response you like, no matterhow justified you are.
You could be the most justifiedand you could be right and all
the rest of it, but good luckwith that right.
And it's that old adage.
I think it was Dr Phil, yeah,dr Phil used to say this all the
time do you want to be right ordo you want to be happy?
(11:02):
And that's actually a really,really good question to ask
yourself, because this is a bigthing in relationships Do you
want to be right or do you wantto be happy?
And so many people choose beingright because they want to be
right about whatever it is.
And even now you know peopleare breaking up over politics
and things like that.
Do you want to be right or doyou want to be happy?
(11:23):
Now, you know I'm not sayingthat that means you never, ever.
I'm not saying that means youcan't have any boundaries or you
can't have any standards andyou can't demand a certain type
of relationship or behavior.
Of course this isn't me sayinglet someone walk all over you
and treat you like crap and it'sonly ever your fault and you
(11:44):
should just put up with it andyou should put up with anything.
I'm not saying that at all.
All right.
So obviously, withinrelationships we still have, you
know, healthy boundaries ofwhatever that, whatever that
looks like for you and, and youknow we, we have a, you know we
get treated in a way that weexpect to be treated right.
So you know respect and all ofthose things.
(12:05):
So obviously you that kind offor me that's a given, that
that's there.
So I'm not sort of saying, oh,don't have any expectations.
Of course you have expectations, so you have those things there
.
But just remember, you know, doyou want to be right, do you
want to be happy?
Some people they like me in mycutting remarks or whatever they
(12:27):
want to win in the moment andthe win in the moment might feel
good, but that win in themoment is that, is it really a
win?
And so I would ask you if youfeel like being right is really
important to you when you reallystop and reflect on it.
Is that really a win?
And maybe sometimes insituations it is, but I just you
(12:49):
know and reassess that foryourself.
Is that really a win, the factthat I'm right about this and
I'm taking the moral high groundand I'm proving that I'm smart
and they're stupid, or whateverthe situation is Is that working
for you?
Is that helping therelationship?
Is that just another version ofa landmine or, you know, is
that just healthy negotiationabout a relationship?
(13:11):
I don't know, but it's worthasking yourself that question,
because do you want to be rightor do you want to be happy?
Well, I want to be happy mostof the time, but I do have a
need to be right as well.
I'm a bit of a smarty pants.
I think I know it all sometimesand so I balance that because I
just know that's my personalityand sometimes I just have to
ask so, fiona, do you reallywant to be right about this?
(13:34):
Is it that important to beright?
Because sometimes it's just notthat important.
There are situations where beingright and getting your own way
is really important, and thereare situations where it just
doesn't matter, and it's knowingthe difference.
It's knowing that reallydoesn't matter and that's the
other thing in relationships aswell.
Like, what we do sometimes iswe, we go on about every little
(13:55):
thing, about, you know, thedishwasher and this and that and
whatever.
And look again, I'm not sayingthis from some moral high ground
where I've never been thisperson Honestly, I'm saying it
because I am this personsometimes, you know.
So don't, it's not a judgment,but we go on about so many of
the little things that reallydon't matter and and and really
(14:16):
save kind of these bigconversations for the things
that really do matter, for thebig things.
Because if you just barb atyour partner over and over again
oh you didn't do this in adishwasher, if that's all I hear
from you, obviously thatdoesn't bode well for a
relationship because you're justgoing to feel attacked and
judged and they're going to feellike it's never enough and
(14:37):
never good enough, and I knowI'm absolutely guilty of that at
times.
So, like I said, no judgment,but ultimately, if you want a
healthy relationship, less ofthat would be really, really
useful.
So the other thing that I justwanted to bring up as well look,
obviously, relationships.
There's a lot in it and there'sa lot you could talk about and
(14:59):
I'm not going to cover it allhere today.
I'm just giving you some of thetips that have worked for me.
And ultimately, it's aboutlearning how to regulate your
own emotions, learning how toknow when you're throwing you
know, basically landmines into asituation.
Are you helping it?
Are you all about being rightand not being happy?
Is that working for you?
Are you coming at it with love?
You know those sorts of things.
(15:20):
Then there's one last thing Iwould mention to you is you know
, it's not healthy to have bigelephants in the room that we
don't talk about.
Sometimes it's just sometimesyou're actually going to do the
hard stuff and talk about thingsthat are hard, and we think
that avoiding them, you know, ishelpful.
But avoiding stuff is usuallynot helpful.
It just gets bigger and harderand all the rest of it, and one
(15:42):
of those is actually finances.
Now, finances, I think, is oneof the biggest issues in
relationships, where people havethe you know, the biggest
stress and breakups and all ofthe rest of it.
I would encourage you, no matterhow hard it is and I know that
my hubby and I we've had sometough financial times is you've
got to talk about it and you'vegot to get help and sometimes
(16:04):
that means you've got to get afinancial advisor.
Maybe you need to get acounselor as well, whatever you
need, but we've certainly workedwith financial advisors over
our time and had advice and hadhelp and just been really honest
.
Because, no matter how hard itis to be honest about finances
and to come clean and to try,you know it's really hard.
It's a real point ofvulnerability and sometimes it's
(16:29):
hard if there's an imbalance,if one person's earning more
than the other and one person'sspending too much or whatever.
All those things are reallyreally tricky and we do try and
avoid them because it's hard.
But avoiding them only makes itworse and you're more likely to
end up with your relationshipfalling apart.
So my advice to you is comeclean about those things,
because if you work with someonelike a financial advisor or
(16:51):
something like that, you canwork together.
If you're working as a team toresolve a problem, that works a
whole lot better than if you'rekind of like, not elephant in
the room, we're not going totalk about it, we're not going
to say anything, we're going topretend it's not happening, that
things just get worse when wedo that.
So that's in general in life,right Things don't get better if
we avoid them, if we pretendthey're not there.
Generally speaking, a lot ofproblems get worse when we don't
(17:14):
address them.
So my encouragement is ifthere's big elephants in the
room, that they've you know,you've got to talk about them,
you've got to have thiscommunication and um, and one of
those things is finances.
It's a really, really big onethat we avoid talking about and
we do that to our detriment.
So, anyway, it's a bit of ashorter episode today, but I
just wanted to give you just afew tips, a few things that I
(17:36):
have learned about healthyrelationships and things that we
can do to maintain healthyrelationships.
Ultimately, we need to feelsafe, we need to feel heard, but
we also need to be aware of,well, what are we doing to help
our partner feel safe and heard?
Sometimes it's all about thelist of the things we want, but
we don't think about well andeven just like, if you're not
(17:57):
with a partner yet and you'relooking for someone again, it's
not just like, because a lot ofwomen these days have this big
list, have this big list of whatthey want their partner to be.
You know, six foot tall, sixpack, you know, six figures, all
the rest of it.
He must do this and he musthave this and he must have that.
Great.
But how about?
What do you offer?
What do you bring to the party,right?
(18:18):
So I think we have to rememberwe've got to think about what we
bring to a relationship.
Are we looking after ourselves?
Are we eating well?
Are we managing our emotions?
Are we looking after our mentalhealth?
Are we looking after ourfinancial health?
Are we sensible with money, allthe things?
But what are we doing to makeus a better person all around?
(18:39):
What are you doing to makeyourself a better person all
around, whether it be spiritual,whatever it is?
Are you working on you?
Are you making sure that you'redoing well?
And if we are, then that'sattracting that other person.
But sometimes we've got thisbig long list and you know, if
you're sitting on the loungeeating your Doritos and your
trackies and you've got this biglong list for the other person,
(19:00):
maybe think about, think about.
Well, you know what's in it forthem as well, because a
relationship is a relationship.
It's going to be something init for both people.
So, yeah, anyway, just, youknow, what we can do is we can
control our own behavior, andwhat we can do is we can reflect
on whether or not we arebehaving in a way that is
(19:23):
helping or hindering thesituation.
So that's what I wouldencourage you to think about for
yourself.
So please like, subscribe, share, rate and review the podcast.
I'd really appreciate that.
Share this episode with afriend if you think that they
would benefit from it, and I'malways happy for people to
comment or reply or whicheverway, whether you're getting it
on YouTube or whether you'regetting it through your audio.
(19:46):
But I'm happy to hear what youthink as well, what your
thoughts are.
So what I like to do here ishave real conversations about
things that matter, andrelationships matter.
So I just thought I'd give youa little bit of the wisdom that
I have, a little bit of whatI've learned, and hopefully that
helps you.
I hope you have a great weekand I'll see you all again next
week.
Thank you, bye.
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