July 22, 2025 • 22 mins
How to Stop Taking Everything Personally in Relationships is something many of us want to learn. In this episode, Fiona shares why we often take things to heart so quickly and how it can hurt our friendships, romantic relationships, and mental health.
You'll discover practical ways to pause, reflect, and re-frame your thoughts so you can respond calmly instead of reacting emotionally. Learn how to understand others’ behaviour better, set healthy boundaries, and build stronger, happier connections without feeling constantly hurt or offended.
Learn more about booking a nutrition consultation with Fiona: https://informedhealth.com.au/
Learn more about Fiona's speaking and media services: https://fionakane.com.au/
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Credit for the music used in this podcast:
The Beat of Nature
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Fiona Kane (00:01):
Hello and welcome to the Wellness Connection Podcast
.
I'm your host, Fiona Kane.
Today I wanted to expand alittle bit more on a topic I
talked about a few weeks ago.
So a few weeks ago I actuallydid a topic on friendship and I
wanted to just talk a little bitmore about that, or more in
regards to how to not takethings too personally or not
(00:24):
make assumptions aboutfriendships and things straight
away, because as human beings wetend to be, you know, we're
emotional beings and we oftenhave an emotional response to
something first and, while thatresponse may be valid and we're
allowed to have our feelings,sometimes we run with that and
we run with that sort of way tooearly and it sort of sabotages
(00:47):
our relationships and ourfriendships.
So I just wanted to talk alittle bit about that and when I
think it's worth payingattention to and when I think
that we need to rethink thingsor what's the word recalibrate?
I'm trying to think of the word, I'll come up with the word
anyway but essentially, reframeReframe is the word Reframe our
(01:11):
response towards something.
So what often happens is we'rein a situation where someone
says something that we get sortof for want of a better word
that we feel a bit triggered by,or a bit upset or insulted by.
So someone doesn't believe usabout something, or someone
accuses us of something, ormaybe they just say some comment
(01:31):
or say something and you feel,you know, really hurt by this
comment.
Now look, sometimes the mostsensible thing in this situation
is to just call it straightaway and just ask, just inquire
about what's going on.
So that doesn't make sense,sorry, what's going on here?
So sometimes the best thing youcan do is just straight away
(01:53):
try and clarify things and ifyou're able to do that and if
that feels like the right thingto do at the time, it's probably
a really good idea, becausesometimes you'll, straight away
you'll realize there's been somemiscommunication and you know
you resolve things.
So just say sorry, I'm a bitconfused, what's this about, I'm
not understanding, and justhave a conversation so that you
(02:13):
can clear the air.
So sometimes that's thesimplest thing you can do.
Now, often that's not whathappens, because sometimes we're
busy, we're doing other thingsand then we kind of walk away
and we kind of go what happenedthere?
Or we're just feeling so upsetthat you know we just want to
get away and we don't want todeal with that person, which is
fair enough.
And what happens there is, youknow, look, obviously we have
(02:35):
all the feelings associated withit and, like I said before,
they are very valid.
But what I would always ask youto do is, you know, go through
the different stages of okay, Iknow I'm feeling hurt, and
that's valid, I'm allowed tofeel hurt.
However, what do I think theperson's intention was?
What do I think was behind this?
And you know, it's a reallygood.
(02:56):
This is a really good strategytoo, for, especially when you're
young or even when you're older, but just figuring out how to
manage your parents.
Because a lot of us, you know,we're kind of taught to sort of
be angry at our parents foreverything they did or didn't do
, and we often will do that.
But we don't stop and look atour parents as human beings that
(03:17):
have their complex beings andtheir flawed beings, and they've
also had lots of hurts andtraumas and things in their past
.
And, you know, sometimesthere's a reason for the way
someone behaves.
Even if it's not okay and notan acceptable way to behave,
there's a reason behind it.
So it's always good to try andthink well, what was someone's?
(03:37):
What was behind it?
Were they acting out in someold situation that had nothing
to do with you, or was it aboutyou?
So what I'm trying to say isit's not always about you.
I am not saying, therefore,that means you have to hang
around and be abused by someone.
So, no matter what the reasonis that someone has, no matter
how many traumas they've had, nomatter what's going on, does
(03:58):
not mean they have the right totraumatize you over and over.
So I'm not saying this as, ohwell, that person's been through
a trauma, therefore they'reexcused, therefore it's okay for
them to treat you badly.
I am not saying that.
All I'm saying is it's a usefultool when you're assessing a
situation to actually kind ofjust stop and think all right,
(04:19):
so what do I think is behindthis?
Are they playing out some oldtrauma, or is it about me?
This is just a way of what I'mencouraging you to do is assess
whether or not something is evenabout you, because so often
things aren't even about you,and when you realize it's not
about you, you can at least takethat kind of personal hurt
(04:40):
thing out of the equation andkind of go oh, it's not about me
, all right, and just relaxabout it a bit more and realize
that someone playing out oldthings or all things that don't
have anything to do with you.
So it's just really useful todo this, not, like I said, as a
way of excusing someone so thatthey can abuse you over and over
, and not that at all, but justso that you can sort of say, all
right, so this person, theyforgot me or they said something
(05:04):
that I felt was hurtful butwasn't really about me and more
often than not, it is not aboutyou.
It's about people playing outtheir own stuff.
So, if you are able to do that,I'll give you an example of
what that might look like.
So you may be in a situationwhere you're dealing with
someone who's not well, or itcould be like an aging parent or
(05:26):
someone like that.
Now, in this situation, thatperson often when we have to
rely on other people and when wehave to let other people help
us, if we're like a very proudperson that's always been
independent, always looked afteryourself and you've always kind
(05:48):
of been in charge and suddenlyyou are vulnerable to people
around you, whether it be yourchildren or your neighbours or
whoever it is, a partner butsuddenly you are vulnerable,
suddenly you rely on them.
So you feel, instead of feelingkind of strong and in control,
you feel out of control, youfeel vulnerable.
Suddenly you rely on them.
So you feel, instead of feelingkind of strong and in control,
you feel out of control, youfeel vulnerable.
(06:09):
You might feel weak.
Okay, a person in thatsituation might actually sort of
hit out at I'm not talkingabout physically, although
physically might be the case.
That's a whole different story.
Obviously, don't hang aroundand put up with being physically
hurt.
But someone might lash out alittle bit or get a bit cranky
(06:32):
or just a little bit short orjust kind of little things like
that, and often in thosesituations it's a person playing
out their fears.
So, as human beings, many of usare not comfortable with
feeling vulnerable, and if wefeel vulnerable, so if we feel
afraid or anxious or sad or anykind of feeling that we might
(06:55):
deem as being a vulnerablefeeling, there are some of us
who haven't learned how to havethose feelings and haven't
learned how to manage thosefeelings, and so what those
people will do is they will gostraight into some sort of a
feeling like something thatmakes them feel stronger, and
anger makes them feel stronger,right?
So they might go into sort ofan angry state and lash out and
(07:19):
just think of, like you know,like an injured dog or a dog
that's maybe been previouslyhurt, right?
So you'll go to help the dogand they might try and bite you,
but they're doing it becausethey're fearful of what you
might do, or they've had somehistory in the past but
something's gone wrong, orthey're really feeling
vulnerable and they're injuredand now something else is going
(07:41):
to happen to them so they justcan't lash out, right?
So sometimes that's what canhappen with our loved ones or
with people around us thatthey're lashing out, and their
lashing out has nothing to dowith you.
So I would encourage you,before you kind of just take
things personally straight up,before you get all upset about
things, to kind of just assess.
(08:03):
You know, put yourself in thatperson's shoes and get a bit of
a feel for what you think mightbe going on.
And then it might be a wholelot of situations.
It might be something where youtalk to the person about it but
say you're dealing with, say,like some people are dealing
with, say, parents who havedementia or something you can't
talk that over with them.
Obviously, that's you know, youcan't sort of fix that.
(08:24):
And when you're dealing withsomeone in that situation as
anyone will tell you who's dealtwith that, you've got to deal
with a lot of uncomfortablestuff because unfortunately
people in that situation can'treally they can't control their
feelings and emotions and things.
So you just have to stay calm,no matter how awful it is or how
personal it feels, you know.
(08:44):
So it it saves you a lot ofdrama and a lot of heartache if
you just don't take thingsimmediately personally, because
not everything is meantimmediately personally.
So always try and assess whatwas what was going on for that
person, and it's actually reallyuseful, especially if it's a
(09:05):
relationship that you're in andthat's the sort of thing that
you could go and figure out in.
You know, have some therapy orwhatever, but it's a really
useful idea to think, well, whatwas relationship that you're in
and that's the sort of thingthat you could go and figure out
in.
You know, have some therapy orwhatever, but it's a really
useful idea to think well, whatwas in your partner's head,
because again, that will giveyou a clue, especially with the
whole, and I know some peopleget a bit over the whole men are
from Mars, women are from Venusthing.
But there certainly is with menand women very different ways
(09:27):
of thinking, and I know thereare things where my husband
doesn't even realize it's athing, it doesn't even realize
there's something, or why wouldyou do that?
What?
Why do I need to do that?
And I and I'm thinking, ofcourse you would do that and of
course you would ring me, ofcourse you would let me know
whatever it is.
And so I'm thinking you don'tcare, you're so selfish.
(09:48):
You know I blah, blah, blah andI've got all this whole story
about.
Of course you would do that,it's natural that you would do
that.
Everybody knows blah, blah,blah, that everyone knows that's
what you should do, and hehasn't even thought about it
because it never occurred to himthat that mattered.
And that sort of thing hashappened with my husband and I
many times where we've had totalk, talk about it, and I've
(10:10):
said this is a thing, and he'slike no, it's really not.
And I'm like no, no, it reallyis.
So like in those situations youreally need to understand that
the other person might beactually working from a whole, a
completely different reality aswell, whereas they don't even
know it's a thing, it's notsomething they've ever known
about, and especially if you'vegrown up in different cultures
or different families, becausethere are things that my family
(10:32):
has always done certain ways,and I kind of expect that my
husband understands that this iswhat we do, and he's never done
that.
He's never heard of that and Icould have never heard of that.
That's what we always do, butof course, that's what I've
always done doesn't mean that'swhat other cultures do.
So it is really useful to tryand put yourself in that
person's head, talk to them andask them if that's something
(10:54):
that's available to you to do,what's going on?
I'm a fan of naming elephantsin rooms, so if you do feel
uncomfortable and you feel likethere's something in between you
and another person, sometimesit is worthwhile saying hey look
, feeling a bit uncomfortable atthe moment.
What's going on?
Is there something we need toresolve?
So you know, there's alldifferent strategies, but the
(11:17):
main thing is I'm trying.
What I'm trying to say is don'timmediately take things
personally, because it's notalways personal.
Sometimes human beings are justacting out their stuff or we've
, if someone's, experienced anytype of trauma or any type of
being let down or hurt, harmedor whatever before.
Sometimes they act out in anemotional way that's
(11:39):
inappropriate to the situation,where they'll feel vulnerable,
so they'll show anger, that kindof thing.
So have an awareness aroundthat and that will help you not
take things so personally.
Now, what you can do, of course, because you're still having
the emotions.
So it's quite all right to gooff where you need to, quietly
somewhere, and either have ascream, have a cry, you know,
(12:02):
scream along to a Nirvana song,whatever it is that you need to
do.
So go and get that emotion out.
Maybe there's a trusted personyou can talk to.
Go and get that emotion out.
Maybe there's a trusted personyou can talk to.
And when I say trusted person,not someone who's going to, yeah
, yeah, yeah, let's get stuckinto that person and let's hate
on that person and let's helpyou build the story of why
everyone's out to get you andkind of not someone who's going
(12:23):
to help you.
Hold on to the anger, I supposeis what I'm trying to say, but
someone who's going to you knowyou can safely say, oh, this
situation is driving me nuts,this person is driving me nuts,
you know.
So over this blah, blah, blahand you're just getting off your
chest but you're not actuallywanting them to change your
opinion about the person ornothing like that.
You just need to get it offyour chest.
So it's the person who is safeto do that with, without them
(12:45):
going on and telling otherpeople, or without them
encouraging you to continue onwith the drama, or without them
going on and telling otherpeople, or without them
encouraging you to continue onwith the drama, or without them
changing their opinion of theperson.
So you might have that safeperson or you go to a counselor
or someone and use someone likethat, but the safe person.
So sometimes we do need to getstuff off our chest and there
(13:06):
might be the safe person for youwhere you can go blah, just
like word vomit.
You know where you just want toget something off your chest
and sometimes that's becauseyou've been in a situation where
the emotions are building upand you need to get stuff off
your chest.
And you know, and it might be asituation like I said before,
it might be like where you're acarer whether it's a carer for
your child or whether it's for aparent or something and maybe
(13:28):
you're just just like, you'reover it and you just want to go
on whinge and whatever, and ofcourse you don't, you know, wish
any will towards a person andyou don't.
You know, you just need to getstuff off your chest.
So, you know, find a safeperson that will help you do
that, allow you do that, butthey don't then build and turn
you know, your little tinylittle grain of sand into a big
(13:48):
snowball thing.
You don't, that person's not ahelpful person to have around,
the person who does that, butthe person who just helps you
get the emotion out, get it offyour chest, get that word vomit
happening, and then essentiallyhelp you kind of understand or
reflect that it's probably notpersonal, probably not about you
, and able to kind of go allright, shake it off, move on.
(14:11):
This isn't something I need tocarry on, carry around with me
forever Now, when I say this, tojust clarifying there are some
situations.
Don't use this as an excuse tostay in an abusive relationship
or stay or put up with abuseconstantly either.
So sometimes what we find is wedo too much of this excusing.
(14:38):
So if it's like someone isconstantly being emotionally
abusive to you and on thephysical.
That's a whole other level.
That's like if someone's beingphysically abusive, that is
wrong and that is bad.
You know no matter what that'slike.
If someone's being physicallyabusive, that is wrong and that
is bad.
You know no matter what.
But you know if someone's beingemotionally abusive to you or
constantly doing and sayingthings that you find that feel
(15:00):
very hurtful or harmful to you,well that's a situation where
and of you know that person's ofsound mind.
You know that is a situationwhere you do have to assess.
You know you either have tohave a conversation with them
about what's going on so thatyou could maybe get a bit more
of an agreement about how rulesof play, rules of engagement,
(15:21):
how to actually communicate witheach other in a way that isn't
so hurtful, or you might need togo and have counselling because
you're just not seeing eye toeye and you're just pushing each
other's buttons and sort ofupsetting each other.
Or you might be in a situationwhere you are in a relationship
with someone who is just areally horrible person that
doesn't deserve to be in arelationship with you and
(15:42):
they're just really cruel andmean, and if you find yourself
constantly saying, oh, you knowhe means well, or she's really a
nice person, or that, if that'skind of your constant, you know
if when anyone else meets thatperson you have to say, oh,
she's normally really lovely.
Oh, when you get to know her,you really like her.
That if you, if you're tryingto convince yourself really hard
(16:03):
about what a good personsomeone is really when you get
to know them, I know that youseem like they're really awful
but they're're really reallynice.
Those situations be aware of howmuch you might be trying to
convince yourself that someoneis something that they're not,
because people do show you whothey are and it's useful to
believe them the first time whenthey show you who they are.
(16:24):
And so you know there's this.
It's like all things.
It's not a hard and fast ruleof oh, you know, never take
things personally, it's notabout you, and you know, just
figure out how to put up with itand let off a bit of steam.
It's also don't use justifyingsomeone's behavior.
(16:48):
You know that person's beenthrough a hard time and you know
that's why they're so abusiveall of the time.
That might be true and thatmight explain it.
It doesn't excuse it.
Explaining and excusing are twodifferent things so you can
explain that that's what'shappened, but there's no excuse
to keep doing it.
At some point that person'sgoing to have to learn a
(17:08):
different way of being with youif they want to be with you.
Because, uh, they have thatpast thing is not an excuse to
constantly, uh, terrorize thepeople around them, you know.
So, uh, this isn't like a hardand fast one or the other, it's
just uh.
And there's also uh, this isnot saying don't listen to your
(17:31):
intuition.
Your intuition is a bit of adifferent thing.
So sometimes people will besaying all the right words, but
you're going to feel reallyuncomfortable and you just feel
this level of discomfort and youmight even be able to like on
paper you can tick box,everything's great, just feel
uncomfortable.
Or you keep every boundary youhave has been crossed by that
(17:54):
person.
So you sort of say, well, I'mnot available tonight, and then
they talk you into doingsomething anyway.
Or I'm not prepared to do that,or go that far in the
relationship or whatever thething is, but they talk you into
doing that as well.
Or you know you want to makesure that you have, you know,
plenty of time for your friendsand suddenly you don't have any
(18:15):
time and you're not allowed tosee your friends, so that's a
whole different story.
So if you have an intuition ora discomfort or something, a
message that you're getting thatsomething's not right, listen
to that, pay attention to that.
But what I'm talking about isjust those kind of, I suppose,
(18:39):
those situations where somethinghappens and we feel really hurt
and, as we do as human beings,we kind of go off away from a
situation and we make up a storyaround it.
Right, and we do that.
That's natural.
That's normal, that's okay.
But it's what you choose to dowith those stories that can make
a big difference to your lifeand your mental health and your
health.
So it's a good idea to let goof any stories that just aren't
serving you.
And sometimes we make a lot ofsmall stories that really aren't
(19:04):
true.
There's an element of truth init, but then we create a whole
new everyone's out to get me andthis person's out to get me,
and this is really horrible.
We make up a lot of drama forourselves that isn't there.
There's enough drama in life,like terrible things happen in
life, and there's enough drama,but without kind of turning
things that aren't really true,into sort of insults and offence
(19:25):
and things to feel sad andupset about.
So I hope that makes sense.
It's just getting that balanceright.
But it's being able to reflecton a situation, reflect on why
you might be feeling angry orsad.
Maybe you're feeling angrybecause you feel vulnerable as
well.
So you know, did you ever thinkabout that?
Sometimes our vulnerability isus feeling vulnerable and
feeling angry because maybe wewere vulnerable with someone and
(19:50):
we're feeling now unsafebecause we've been vulnerable
right.
So it's just useful to learnhow to recognize what your
emotions are and sometimes likewhat the emotion under that is,
because that might be theemotion, that one that you're
actively in, but underneath thatanger might be a certain level
of fear or sadness or somethingelse going on too.
So it's just rather than kindof telling ourselves bigger than
(20:14):
Ben-Hur stories and youngpeople won't know what that is
big long film, but turning smallthings into big things that
don't need to be and carrying onto hurts and some people tend
to carry on to hurts andtransgressions against them like
trophies and you know there'senough real ones in life without
(20:38):
creating big things out ofsmall things.
I suppose is what I'm trying tosay so there's a balance in all
of this, but essentially it'skind of you know, I suppose if
we learn to recognize and ownour own response to situations,
recognize what might be going onfor us, think about also what
might be going on for the otherperson and why they might be
behaving that way, and then kindof make your decisions
(20:59):
accordingly, rather than kind ofturn it into a big long thing
that you have to get allemotionally upset about and,
yeah, a story that's not helpfulto you.
We often make up stories thatultimately aren't helpful or,
like I said, can sabotage ourphysical and mental health.
So I hope that made sense toyou.
(21:20):
Please get in contact.
Wherever you're watching orlistening to this, you might be
able to reply and let me knowwhat you think, let me know your
thoughts, let me know yourexperiences.
Please also like, subscribe,share, rate and review the
podcast.
It really helps me for otherpeople to hear about this
podcast as well.
I really appreciate yoursupport.
(21:42):
This is where I like to havereal conversations about things
that matter, and I hope thatthat's given you something to
think about in regards to howyou respond to different
situations within your groups offriends and family.
Okay, thank you, I'll talk toyou again next time.
Thanks, bye.
Hello and welcome to the Wellness Connection Podcast
.
I'm your host, Fiona Kane.
Today I wanted to expand alittle bit more on a topic I
talked about a few weeks ago.
So a few weeks ago I actuallydid a topic on friendship and I
wanted to just talk a little bitmore about that, or more in
regards to how to not takethings too personally or not
(00:24):
make assumptions aboutfriendships and things straight
away, because as human beings wetend to be, you know, we're
emotional beings and we oftenhave an emotional response to
something first and, while thatresponse may be valid and we're
allowed to have our feelings,sometimes we run with that and
we run with that sort of way tooearly and it sort of sabotages
(00:47):
our relationships and ourfriendships.
So I just wanted to talk alittle bit about that and when I
think it's worth payingattention to and when I think
that we need to rethink thingsor what's the word recalibrate?
I'm trying to think of the word, I'll come up with the word
anyway but essentially, reframeReframe is the word Reframe our
(01:11):
response towards something.
So what often happens is we'rein a situation where someone
says something that we get sortof for want of a better word
that we feel a bit triggered by,or a bit upset or insulted by.
So someone doesn't believe usabout something, or someone
accuses us of something, ormaybe they just say some comment
(01:31):
or say something and you feel,you know, really hurt by this
comment.
Now look, sometimes the mostsensible thing in this situation
is to just call it straightaway and just ask, just inquire
about what's going on.
So that doesn't make sense,sorry, what's going on here?
So sometimes the best thing youcan do is just straight away
(01:53):
try and clarify things and ifyou're able to do that and if
that feels like the right thingto do at the time, it's probably
a really good idea, becausesometimes you'll, straight away
you'll realize there's been somemiscommunication and you know
you resolve things.
So just say sorry, I'm a bitconfused, what's this about, I'm
not understanding, and justhave a conversation so that you
(02:13):
can clear the air.
So sometimes that's thesimplest thing you can do.
Now, often that's not whathappens, because sometimes we're
busy, we're doing other thingsand then we kind of walk away
and we kind of go what happenedthere?
Or we're just feeling so upsetthat you know we just want to
get away and we don't want todeal with that person, which is
fair enough.
And what happens there is, youknow, look, obviously we have
(02:35):
all the feelings associated withit and, like I said before,
they are very valid.
But what I would always ask youto do is, you know, go through
the different stages of okay, Iknow I'm feeling hurt, and
that's valid, I'm allowed tofeel hurt.
However, what do I think theperson's intention was?
What do I think was behind this?
And you know, it's a reallygood.
(02:56):
This is a really good strategytoo, for, especially when you're
young or even when you're older, but just figuring out how to
manage your parents.
Because a lot of us, you know,we're kind of taught to sort of
be angry at our parents foreverything they did or didn't do
, and we often will do that.
But we don't stop and look atour parents as human beings that
(03:17):
have their complex beings andtheir flawed beings, and they've
also had lots of hurts andtraumas and things in their past
.
And, you know, sometimesthere's a reason for the way
someone behaves.
Even if it's not okay and notan acceptable way to behave,
there's a reason behind it.
So it's always good to try andthink well, what was someone's?
(03:37):
What was behind it?
Were they acting out in someold situation that had nothing
to do with you, or was it aboutyou?
So what I'm trying to say isit's not always about you.
I am not saying, therefore,that means you have to hang
around and be abused by someone.
So, no matter what the reasonis that someone has, no matter
how many traumas they've had, nomatter what's going on, does
(03:58):
not mean they have the right totraumatize you over and over.
So I'm not saying this as, ohwell, that person's been through
a trauma, therefore they'reexcused, therefore it's okay for
them to treat you badly.
I am not saying that.
All I'm saying is it's a usefultool when you're assessing a
situation to actually kind ofjust stop and think all right,
(04:19):
so what do I think is behindthis?
Are they playing out some oldtrauma, or is it about me?
This is just a way of what I'mencouraging you to do is assess
whether or not something is evenabout you, because so often
things aren't even about you,and when you realize it's not
about you, you can at least takethat kind of personal hurt
(04:40):
thing out of the equation andkind of go oh, it's not about me
, all right, and just relaxabout it a bit more and realize
that someone playing out oldthings or all things that don't
have anything to do with you.
So it's just really useful todo this, not, like I said, as a
way of excusing someone so thatthey can abuse you over and over
, and not that at all, but justso that you can sort of say, all
right, so this person, theyforgot me or they said something
(05:04):
that I felt was hurtful butwasn't really about me and more
often than not, it is not aboutyou.
It's about people playing outtheir own stuff.
So, if you are able to do that,I'll give you an example of
what that might look like.
So you may be in a situationwhere you're dealing with
someone who's not well, or itcould be like an aging parent or
(05:26):
someone like that.
Now, in this situation, thatperson often when we have to
rely on other people and when wehave to let other people help
us, if we're like a very proudperson that's always been
independent, always looked afteryourself and you've always kind
(05:48):
of been in charge and suddenlyyou are vulnerable to people
around you, whether it be yourchildren or your neighbours or
whoever it is, a partner butsuddenly you are vulnerable,
suddenly you rely on them.
So you feel, instead of feelingkind of strong and in control,
you feel out of control, youfeel vulnerable.
Suddenly you rely on them.
So you feel, instead of feelingkind of strong and in control,
you feel out of control, youfeel vulnerable.
(06:09):
You might feel weak.
Okay, a person in thatsituation might actually sort of
hit out at I'm not talkingabout physically, although
physically might be the case.
That's a whole different story.
Obviously, don't hang aroundand put up with being physically
hurt.
But someone might lash out alittle bit or get a bit cranky
(06:32):
or just a little bit short orjust kind of little things like
that, and often in thosesituations it's a person playing
out their fears.
So, as human beings, many of usare not comfortable with
feeling vulnerable, and if wefeel vulnerable, so if we feel
afraid or anxious or sad or anykind of feeling that we might
(06:55):
deem as being a vulnerablefeeling, there are some of us
who haven't learned how to havethose feelings and haven't
learned how to manage thosefeelings, and so what those
people will do is they will gostraight into some sort of a
feeling like something thatmakes them feel stronger, and
anger makes them feel stronger,right?
So they might go into sort ofan angry state and lash out and
(07:19):
just think of, like you know,like an injured dog or a dog
that's maybe been previouslyhurt, right?
So you'll go to help the dogand they might try and bite you,
but they're doing it becausethey're fearful of what you
might do, or they've had somehistory in the past but
something's gone wrong, orthey're really feeling
vulnerable and they're injuredand now something else is going
(07:41):
to happen to them so they justcan't lash out, right?
So sometimes that's what canhappen with our loved ones or
with people around us thatthey're lashing out, and their
lashing out has nothing to dowith you.
So I would encourage you,before you kind of just take
things personally straight up,before you get all upset about
things, to kind of just assess.
(08:03):
You know, put yourself in thatperson's shoes and get a bit of
a feel for what you think mightbe going on.
And then it might be a wholelot of situations.
It might be something where youtalk to the person about it but
say you're dealing with, say,like some people are dealing
with, say, parents who havedementia or something you can't
talk that over with them.
Obviously, that's you know, youcan't sort of fix that.
(08:24):
And when you're dealing withsomeone in that situation as
anyone will tell you who's dealtwith that, you've got to deal
with a lot of uncomfortablestuff because unfortunately
people in that situation can'treally they can't control their
feelings and emotions and things.
So you just have to stay calm,no matter how awful it is or how
personal it feels, you know.
(08:44):
So it it saves you a lot ofdrama and a lot of heartache if
you just don't take thingsimmediately personally, because
not everything is meantimmediately personally.
So always try and assess whatwas what was going on for that
person, and it's actually reallyuseful, especially if it's a
(09:05):
relationship that you're in andthat's the sort of thing that
you could go and figure out in.
You know, have some therapy orwhatever, but it's a really
useful idea to think, well, whatwas relationship that you're in
and that's the sort of thingthat you could go and figure out
in.
You know, have some therapy orwhatever, but it's a really
useful idea to think well, whatwas in your partner's head,
because again, that will giveyou a clue, especially with the
whole, and I know some peopleget a bit over the whole men are
from Mars, women are from Venusthing.
But there certainly is with menand women very different ways
(09:27):
of thinking, and I know thereare things where my husband
doesn't even realize it's athing, it doesn't even realize
there's something, or why wouldyou do that?
What?
Why do I need to do that?
And I and I'm thinking, ofcourse you would do that and of
course you would ring me, ofcourse you would let me know
whatever it is.
And so I'm thinking you don'tcare, you're so selfish.
(09:48):
You know I blah, blah, blah andI've got all this whole story
about.
Of course you would do that,it's natural that you would do
that.
Everybody knows blah, blah,blah, that everyone knows that's
what you should do, and hehasn't even thought about it
because it never occurred to himthat that mattered.
And that sort of thing hashappened with my husband and I
many times where we've had totalk, talk about it, and I've
(10:10):
said this is a thing, and he'slike no, it's really not.
And I'm like no, no, it reallyis.
So like in those situations youreally need to understand that
the other person might beactually working from a whole, a
completely different reality aswell, whereas they don't even
know it's a thing, it's notsomething they've ever known
about, and especially if you'vegrown up in different cultures
or different families, becausethere are things that my family
(10:32):
has always done certain ways,and I kind of expect that my
husband understands that this iswhat we do, and he's never done
that.
He's never heard of that and Icould have never heard of that.
That's what we always do, butof course, that's what I've
always done doesn't mean that'swhat other cultures do.
So it is really useful to tryand put yourself in that
person's head, talk to them andask them if that's something
(10:54):
that's available to you to do,what's going on?
I'm a fan of naming elephantsin rooms, so if you do feel
uncomfortable and you feel likethere's something in between you
and another person, sometimesit is worthwhile saying hey look
, feeling a bit uncomfortable atthe moment.
What's going on?
Is there something we need toresolve?
So you know, there's alldifferent strategies, but the
(11:17):
main thing is I'm trying.
What I'm trying to say is don'timmediately take things
personally, because it's notalways personal.
Sometimes human beings are justacting out their stuff or we've
, if someone's, experienced anytype of trauma or any type of
being let down or hurt, harmedor whatever before.
Sometimes they act out in anemotional way that's
(11:39):
inappropriate to the situation,where they'll feel vulnerable,
so they'll show anger, that kindof thing.
So have an awareness aroundthat and that will help you not
take things so personally.
Now, what you can do, of course, because you're still having
the emotions.
So it's quite all right to gooff where you need to, quietly
somewhere, and either have ascream, have a cry, you know,
(12:02):
scream along to a Nirvana song,whatever it is that you need to
do.
So go and get that emotion out.
Maybe there's a trusted personyou can talk to.
Go and get that emotion out.
Maybe there's a trusted personyou can talk to.
And when I say trusted person,not someone who's going to, yeah
, yeah, yeah, let's get stuckinto that person and let's hate
on that person and let's helpyou build the story of why
everyone's out to get you andkind of not someone who's going
(12:23):
to help you.
Hold on to the anger, I supposeis what I'm trying to say, but
someone who's going to you knowyou can safely say, oh, this
situation is driving me nuts,this person is driving me nuts,
you know.
So over this blah, blah, blahand you're just getting off your
chest but you're not actuallywanting them to change your
opinion about the person ornothing like that.
You just need to get it offyour chest.
So it's the person who is safeto do that with, without them
(12:45):
going on and telling otherpeople, or without them
encouraging you to continue onwith the drama, or without them
going on and telling otherpeople, or without them
encouraging you to continue onwith the drama, or without them
changing their opinion of theperson.
So you might have that safeperson or you go to a counselor
or someone and use someone likethat, but the safe person.
So sometimes we do need to getstuff off our chest and there
(13:06):
might be the safe person for youwhere you can go blah, just
like word vomit.
You know where you just want toget something off your chest
and sometimes that's becauseyou've been in a situation where
the emotions are building upand you need to get stuff off
your chest.
And you know, and it might be asituation like I said before,
it might be like where you're acarer whether it's a carer for
your child or whether it's for aparent or something and maybe
(13:28):
you're just just like, you'reover it and you just want to go
on whinge and whatever, and ofcourse you don't, you know, wish
any will towards a person andyou don't.
You know, you just need to getstuff off your chest.
So, you know, find a safeperson that will help you do
that, allow you do that, butthey don't then build and turn
you know, your little tinylittle grain of sand into a big
(13:48):
snowball thing.
You don't, that person's not ahelpful person to have around,
the person who does that, butthe person who just helps you
get the emotion out, get it offyour chest, get that word vomit
happening, and then essentiallyhelp you kind of understand or
reflect that it's probably notpersonal, probably not about you
, and able to kind of go allright, shake it off, move on.
(14:11):
This isn't something I need tocarry on, carry around with me
forever Now, when I say this, tojust clarifying there are some
situations.
Don't use this as an excuse tostay in an abusive relationship
or stay or put up with abuseconstantly either.
So sometimes what we find is wedo too much of this excusing.
(14:38):
So if it's like someone isconstantly being emotionally
abusive to you and on thephysical.
That's a whole other level.
That's like if someone's beingphysically abusive, that is
wrong and that is bad.
You know no matter what that'slike.
If someone's being physicallyabusive, that is wrong and that
is bad.
You know no matter what.
But you know if someone's beingemotionally abusive to you or
constantly doing and sayingthings that you find that feel
(15:00):
very hurtful or harmful to you,well that's a situation where
and of you know that person's ofsound mind.
You know that is a situationwhere you do have to assess.
You know you either have tohave a conversation with them
about what's going on so thatyou could maybe get a bit more
of an agreement about how rulesof play, rules of engagement,
(15:21):
how to actually communicate witheach other in a way that isn't
so hurtful, or you might need togo and have counselling because
you're just not seeing eye toeye and you're just pushing each
other's buttons and sort ofupsetting each other.
Or you might be in a situationwhere you are in a relationship
with someone who is just areally horrible person that
doesn't deserve to be in arelationship with you and
(15:42):
they're just really cruel andmean, and if you find yourself
constantly saying, oh, you knowhe means well, or she's really a
nice person, or that, if that'skind of your constant, you know
if when anyone else meets thatperson you have to say, oh,
she's normally really lovely.
Oh, when you get to know her,you really like her.
That if you, if you're tryingto convince yourself really hard
(16:03):
about what a good personsomeone is really when you get
to know them, I know that youseem like they're really awful
but they're're really reallynice.
Those situations be aware of howmuch you might be trying to
convince yourself that someoneis something that they're not,
because people do show you whothey are and it's useful to
believe them the first time whenthey show you who they are.
(16:24):
And so you know there's this.
It's like all things.
It's not a hard and fast ruleof oh, you know, never take
things personally, it's notabout you, and you know, just
figure out how to put up with itand let off a bit of steam.
It's also don't use justifyingsomeone's behavior.
(16:48):
You know that person's beenthrough a hard time and you know
that's why they're so abusiveall of the time.
That might be true and thatmight explain it.
It doesn't excuse it.
Explaining and excusing are twodifferent things so you can
explain that that's what'shappened, but there's no excuse
to keep doing it.
At some point that person'sgoing to have to learn a
(17:08):
different way of being with youif they want to be with you.
Because, uh, they have thatpast thing is not an excuse to
constantly, uh, terrorize thepeople around them, you know.
So, uh, this isn't like a hardand fast one or the other, it's
just uh.
And there's also uh, this isnot saying don't listen to your
(17:31):
intuition.
Your intuition is a bit of adifferent thing.
So sometimes people will besaying all the right words, but
you're going to feel reallyuncomfortable and you just feel
this level of discomfort and youmight even be able to like on
paper you can tick box,everything's great, just feel
uncomfortable.
Or you keep every boundary youhave has been crossed by that
(17:54):
person.
So you sort of say, well, I'mnot available tonight, and then
they talk you into doingsomething anyway.
Or I'm not prepared to do that,or go that far in the
relationship or whatever thething is, but they talk you into
doing that as well.
Or you know you want to makesure that you have, you know,
plenty of time for your friendsand suddenly you don't have any
(18:15):
time and you're not allowed tosee your friends, so that's a
whole different story.
So if you have an intuition ora discomfort or something, a
message that you're getting thatsomething's not right, listen
to that, pay attention to that.
But what I'm talking about isjust those kind of, I suppose,
(18:39):
those situations where somethinghappens and we feel really hurt
and, as we do as human beings,we kind of go off away from a
situation and we make up a storyaround it.
Right, and we do that.
That's natural.
That's normal, that's okay.
But it's what you choose to dowith those stories that can make
a big difference to your lifeand your mental health and your
health.
So it's a good idea to let goof any stories that just aren't
serving you.
And sometimes we make a lot ofsmall stories that really aren't
(19:04):
true.
There's an element of truth init, but then we create a whole
new everyone's out to get me andthis person's out to get me,
and this is really horrible.
We make up a lot of drama forourselves that isn't there.
There's enough drama in life,like terrible things happen in
life, and there's enough drama,but without kind of turning
things that aren't really true,into sort of insults and offence
(19:25):
and things to feel sad andupset about.
So I hope that makes sense.
It's just getting that balanceright.
But it's being able to reflecton a situation, reflect on why
you might be feeling angry orsad.
Maybe you're feeling angrybecause you feel vulnerable as
well.
So you know, did you ever thinkabout that?
Sometimes our vulnerability isus feeling vulnerable and
feeling angry because maybe wewere vulnerable with someone and
(19:50):
we're feeling now unsafebecause we've been vulnerable
right.
So it's just useful to learnhow to recognize what your
emotions are and sometimes likewhat the emotion under that is,
because that might be theemotion, that one that you're
actively in, but underneath thatanger might be a certain level
of fear or sadness or somethingelse going on too.
So it's just rather than kindof telling ourselves bigger than
(20:14):
Ben-Hur stories and youngpeople won't know what that is
big long film, but turning smallthings into big things that
don't need to be and carrying onto hurts and some people tend
to carry on to hurts andtransgressions against them like
trophies and you know there'senough real ones in life without
(20:38):
creating big things out ofsmall things.
I suppose is what I'm trying tosay so there's a balance in all
of this, but essentially it'skind of you know, I suppose if
we learn to recognize and ownour own response to situations,
recognize what might be going onfor us, think about also what
might be going on for the otherperson and why they might be
behaving that way, and then kindof make your decisions
(20:59):
accordingly, rather than kind ofturn it into a big long thing
that you have to get allemotionally upset about and,
yeah, a story that's not helpfulto you.
We often make up stories thatultimately aren't helpful or,
like I said, can sabotage ourphysical and mental health.
So I hope that made sense toyou.
(21:20):
Please get in contact.
Wherever you're watching orlistening to this, you might be
able to reply and let me knowwhat you think, let me know your
thoughts, let me know yourexperiences.
Please also like, subscribe,share, rate and review the
podcast.
It really helps me for otherpeople to hear about this
podcast as well.
I really appreciate yoursupport.
(21:42):
This is where I like to havereal conversations about things
that matter, and I hope thatthat's given you something to
think about in regards to howyou respond to different
situations within your groups offriends and family.
Okay, thank you, I'll talk toyou again next time.
Thanks, bye.
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