September 23, 2025 • 28 mins
Labels and identity can either hold you back or help you grow - it all depends on how you use them. In this episode of The Wellness Connection Podcast, Fiona Kane explores how labels, diagnoses, and personal stories can become excuses that limit our potential, or tools that guide us toward resilience and growth.
Through real-life examples and reflections, you’ll learn why it’s important not to let labels define who you are, and how shifting your perspective can move you from feeling powerless to empowered. This conversation is all about reclaiming your agency, breaking free from victim mentality, and embracing possibilities beyond your limitations.
Jackson's Instagram (the toddler who has inspired me): https://www.instagram.com/jacksonsnm_journey/
Outro: Music by Musinova from Pixabay
Learn more about booking a nutrition consultation with Fiona: https://informedhealth.com.au/
Learn more about Fiona's speaking and media services: https://fionakane.com.au/
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Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Fiona Kane (00:01):
Hello and welcome to the Wellness Connection Podcast
.
I'm your host, Fiona Cain.
Today I wanted to talk a littlebit more in regards to what I
see a lot, and I've seen this inmyself and I see this in others
.
So, by the way, when I talkabout this today, this is not a
judgment.
It's actually just anobservation and a discussion
(00:21):
about what I see a lot, and whatI see a lot is people giving
away their agency.
They're giving away their power, and I'll explain to you a
little bit more about what Imean.
So what I'm talking about hereis when we turn our labels into
our identity.
So, and we use our labels asexcuses.
(00:43):
Instead of just knowing thatthere's an explanation, we use
labels as an excuse.
So I'll give you an idea ofwhat I mean.
So it could be, for example,that someone has been diagnosed
with something right.
So something that's reallypopular at the moment is ADHD
diagnosis, and I'm not sayinganything negative about that's
(01:04):
real or anything like that, notsaying that at all.
It is real.
However, there's a differencebetween getting a diagnosis that
you have ADHD and then learningwhat that might mean and
whether or not that might meanthat there's different ways for
you to structure your day orstructure your life or whatever
(01:24):
strategies you need to use thatsupport you to do things you
know do to do.
Well, right?
So you know, for example, evenjust something like I'm an audio
learner, I like to learn sortof with audios as opposed to the
written word, as opposed toreading, and you know so that
that's a useful thing for me toknow that if I want to learn,
(01:46):
audio versions are better for me, right?
So it's kind of like okay, Iknow that I find it harder to
read than I do to listen, and soI know that that's a strategy
for me, right, is listen tothings where I can, and which is
which you can do these days,which is great.
So it's kind of like justknowing okay, well, I know that
I've got these specific issues.
(02:06):
I struggle to learn this way,or I struggle to stay on time
when I do this, so what are thestrategies I can use to do that
better?
So that's one way of managingany kind of diagnosis, right?
Another way is saying, oh, I'vegot ADHD or insert other thing,
I'm not just picking on thatissue, but I've got this thing
and that means that forevermore,I'll always be late and I'll
(02:30):
never be able to organize myself, and it's not my fault, right?
So there's a difference betweensort of saying that yes,
there's an explanation here.
The explanation is my brain'swired a little bit differently,
or I've got this health issue ordisability, or whatever.
The issue is that you might bestruggling with, or it could be
(02:51):
something to do with yourchildhood.
You've had a terrible childhood, something's happened to you,
maybe you've had a terribleexperience All of the things
that could mean that we havechallenges in our life.
Right, there's millions ofreasons why and they're valid,
right, it's valid when you'vegot issues and when you struggle
with certain things.
So I'm not saying none of it'svalid, because we have a whole
(03:14):
bunch of reasons that are veryvalid that we could use to sort
of say, well, this is why Ican't do this or why I struggle
with that, whatever, and so notsaying at all it's not valid.
What I am saying, though, iswhen we turn it into our
identity, our whole identity, itdoes actually take away our
power, and it also can stop usfrom achieving things, because
(03:37):
we've kind of decided weabsolutely decide what our
limitations are.
So we say I've got X, y, z.
That means I've got theselimitations full stop, end of
story and we don't go anyfurther.
And again, this is why this iskind of discussion rather than a
I get understanding limitationsand I get understanding reality
(03:59):
.
I think that a lot of peopledon't understand reality and
that's not helpful either.
So, understanding that there'sa certain level of limitation,
you know, like for me,understanding I think I've said
it before right, I'm five foottall, got lots of issues with my
muscles.
I'm 54, whatever, I'm nevergoing to be a basketballer, not
that I ever was going to be,even when I was young.
But you know, it's good tounderstand certain limitations
(04:19):
Sure, fair enough.
At the same time, when weabsolutely reside in our issue
and our belief about ourlimitations, we can really
really limit what we can achieve.
So, yeah, I'm not going to be abasketballer, but it doesn't
mean that I can't function.
So I'll give you some examplesof what I mean here as well.
(04:41):
So I talked about this on thelast episode.
There's a child that I've beenfollowing his account.
His name is Jackson, and littletwo-year-old boy, and he's got
some sort of muscular diseasethat essentially meant that when
he was born he was havingtrouble even swallowing his own
saliva.
Right, he's choking on his ownsaliva.
(05:03):
So his muscles are so badly Idon't know just not functioning
that he struggles with theday-to-day things.
So apparently his parents weretold when he was born that he
would never eat.
So he is fed through a tubethrough his stomach and they
were told he would never eat atall.
And he is eating.
He's still being fed throughthe tube in his stomach, but
(05:24):
he's eating actual food now,right, and they were told he
would never walk and he's notwalking yet, but he's certainly
walking with the help of awalker and starting to be able
to stand up with assistance,that sort of thing.
So I mean a lot better thanwhat they thought would happen.
And I think they were also toldhe would never talk.
You know he's talking and nowhe's.
(05:44):
He's two years old, he's not atthe level of maybe another
two-year-old, but the fact thathe can do any of those things is
amazing, right, and and it'sreally really hard work,
obviously by the family andtherapists and whoever around
them and the child himself, butit's also just proof that you
know, if they had have acceptedthe limitations and said, all
right, well, he's never going todo any of those things.
(06:06):
We're just going to leave himlying in a cot and just feed him
through the tube and justaccept that and just leave it
alone and not try, right?
That's the situation that theywould be in.
But they've said, all right, weunderstand there's a reality
here and the reality is this youknow, there's a whole bunch of
things that might not happen forthis child.
But okay, now we understandthat reality, let's just do our
(06:27):
best and try and do the best wecan and use whatever strategies
that we need, like I was talkingabout before with me with my
own strategies.
Use whatever strategies we needto support our success, right?
So it's not about saying thatpeople don't have excuses or
reasons or they're not valid,absolutely.
There's a whole bunch ofreasons why life is hard for a
(06:48):
whole bunch of people and theycan be really valid and really,
really hard, and you know, I'mnot denying that in any way.
However, if it's how youidentify, if it's kind of you
know you walk around the worldfrom the point of view of kind
of going life is hard for mebecause and I can't achieve,
(07:11):
because and it's you know, andeveryone's out to get me,
because that's just going totake away your agency and it's
really going to limit your life.
So sometimes you know, thingscan be true and sometimes two
things can be true at the sametime.
So the truth might mean that Ihave got this issue or that
issue which makes life reallyhard for me and it's not fair,
(07:35):
and it was something that wasdone to me or that happened to
me and I'm completely innocentand it happened to me and it's
really terrible, really hard andreally awful.
That can be true.
But it can also be true that ifI walk around just living in
that space, I can really reallylimit myself.
So it could be true that I canaccept that but still say, okay,
(07:57):
but I'm going to get on with itand these are the strategies
I'm going to use to try and helpmyself.
Or it can also be true that yousay these things happened to me
and therefore I am going to useto try and help myself.
Or it can also be true that yousay these things happen to me
and therefore I am going to notdo anything, because I can't
right and completely understand,when really horrible things,
big things, happen to people,why they might respond to that
(08:18):
way.
All I'm saying is it's notparticularly helpful and it
really limits you, right.
But no judgment for people, theway that they do these things.
But you only have to read booksof people Like.
The other day I was listeningto a podcast and I heard of
someone who was a quadrupleamputee and this guy has started
(08:38):
up a business where he'sactually helping people rehab
who've had those kinds ofinjuries and illnesses and
soldiers, whoever it is, peoplewho've experienced those issues
where they've lost their limbs.
He's actually created asuccessful, thriving business to
help people with those issues.
Right Now most people would saythat if you were a quadruple
(09:00):
amputee, even if you had oneamputated limb, that that would
be a really, really good excuseto kind of just drop out and say
it's all too hard.
And I imagine I'd be one ofthose people that would say, oh,
it's all too hard because Ifind things challenging.
Like I said, I'm owning it thatI'm guilty of sometimes
identifying things and kind oftalking myself out of the
(09:22):
ability to do things because Ifeel bad or feel like life's
hard.
But when you look around andyou look at people who have it a
lot harder than maybe what youdo, they find a way just to get
on with things.
And it's like I said before,it's not about not being in
reality, because they're verymuch in reality.
If you're a quadruple amputee,you're very much in the reality
(09:44):
of that every moment of everyday.
But the ability to say, allright, I know that this is my
situation, hey, but what can Ido?
Right.
And it always comes back tothat what can I do?
Thing right.
So sometimes what we do is wetell you what we can't do, or
(10:05):
what we think we can't do, andwe don't look at what we can do.
And while you can have areality about where you are
right now, about what you can'tdo, it's also important to sort
of say, all right, right, thismoment that's not possible, but
hey, let's just have a go, orlet's just do the things we can,
or let's just work on that,like this child I was talking
(10:30):
about, let's go and do the workthat will enable me to maybe
strengthen my muscles to thepoint where I can actually eat
Right.
So it's just just a mindsetwhen you kind of say, all right,
well, what can I do?
I know I'm being realistic, I'mnot being, you know, I'm not
pretending that, it's not whatit is, but if I can sit here
forever in this place of feelinglike a victim, or feeling like
(10:51):
life's unfair, or just countingall the things I can't do or all
of the bad things, or I can say, all right, I'm really really
well aware of that.
Now, what can I do?
What strategies are there?
What can I do to change things?
And it might be I've talkedabout before on this podcast
lots of different things likeglimmers versus triggers, even
(11:14):
just having an awareness of goodthings around you, because
sometimes we only look at thenegative things and we don't
look at the good things.
So labels are there to help usunderstand our situation.
So that might be the label of adiagnosis, or the label it
could even be.
You know, the other place I seethis happening is even in just
(11:34):
labels, in regards to whether itbe things like sexual identity
or those things, right.
So again, that's another areawhere you know there might be a
certain label that you might say, okay, well, I know, I
understand, that's why I'mattracted to this way or that's
why I feel that way, fine, okay,that's great.
But what we're doing is we'redividing people up into groups
(11:55):
now and we have to labeleverybody as some name, and it's
quite funny because it's it'slike.
This whole idea is that, uh,what I hear is like we're we're
we're defining things too muchand we need to be more fluid and
we need to use more fluidlanguage, and blah, blah, blah.
Then there is a label for everysingle thing.
Within that it's like, okay,all right, there's labels for
(12:18):
everything, but not only that,but what we do and this is
probably getting the morepolitical thing but what we do
is we label different groups,victim groups, right, and that's
not helpful either.
So it is useful to know.
It's useful information to knowthat historically, this group
or that group or whoever it is,have been treated badly or
(12:39):
whatever the situation is.
And that's okay, it's useful toknow, and we need to be in
reality and we need tounderstand history Absolutely.
But at the same time, it's alsouseful to know that in Western
worlds, a lot of these samegroups are not.
That's not true.
It's not true anymore, right,but what I see is I see people
(13:00):
who make money and do well outof being activists.
I see those kinds of people whoget a lot of energy out of their
activism really deliberatelytrying to put people into victim
classes and really trying topush the well you are, you know
you've got this identity, or youlook this way, or you've got
(13:23):
this racial identity, whatever.
That means you are a victim andeveryone hates you and there's
this whole systemic thing out toget you and therefore you're
not going to do very well.
And again it's like you seepeople who just ignore that and
get on with it and they do fine,but it's the people who really
buy into it that have thetrouble right.
So if you say, because ofwhatever racial identity I have
(13:46):
or whatever sexual identity Ihave, I can't do well, I can't
get on with life, I'm going tobe treated badly, blah, blah,
blah, that will be yourexperience.
You'll really close yourselfinto that experience, whereas if
you say, yep, there is thesethings and that there is such
thing as you know, I'm notsaying that.
Also, I'm not saying thatracism doesn't exist or people
(14:08):
aren't in any way bigots or anyof that kind of stuff.
People can be cruel andsometimes people get all people
actually, but sometimes peopleget picked on or there's certain
groups that get worse treatmentand all of that.
And I'm not talking abouthistorically, that's a whole
other conversation, but I'm justtalking about now, in the
Western world now.
So I'm not saying that stuffdoesn't happen or people don't
(14:29):
get picked on or things aren'thard.
I'm just saying that again, ifyou use some identity that you
have as an excuse to opt out andmiss out, opt out of things in
life or miss out on things inlife, all you're doing is
actually letting the bullies win.
So you're letting the peoplewho are bigots or bullies win.
(14:49):
If you say this means I'm somesort of, you know, victim
category and that's my excusefor not doing anything in my
life, you know, all you're doingis taking away your own agency,
right?
So I'm not talking about whatis true or not true for you,
just more how you respond to orhow you talk to yourself about
it, how that can.
Sometimes what we do is wedon't get where we want to go in
(15:13):
life because we kind of justhave this oh well, I'm a victim,
therefore I can't life, becausewe kind of just have this oh
well, I'm a victim, therefore Ican't.
And that is a real, that's areal challenge as human beings
on this earth for us to kind ofhave these challenges and have
these.
You know that, like I said,that are your identity or your
diagnosis or whatever it is isinformation, and it could be
information about a certainchallenge that you're going to
(15:35):
have.
That's more than somebody else.
Somebody else is going to have adifferent challenge by the way,
everyone has differentchallenges but it's whether or
not you completely identify tothe point that you use it as
your way of opting out of life,as justifying your behavior, as
justifying your reason to notchange or not grow or not learn,
(15:57):
because that's another thingthat's happening now, too, in
this sort of basically, like themental health industry is,
we've had this situation andI've been watching some videos
by Raquel the capacity coach.
She's actually really good andshe talks about this like how
okay, isn't it great that we aretalking about mental health
more, as far as, like you know,once upon a time we didn't talk
(16:17):
about it.
We just shut people awaywithout you know really good
strategies for helping them andwe didn't understand the reasons
that, why people might you knowthey've been traumatized or
they've had this problem or thatproblem, and so, like it is
great that we can identify thatthere are mental health issues
with being a human being andlook at what they are, and
strategies and all of thosethings.
(16:39):
So that's a really, really goodthing.
But the problem is, like allgood things, they sort of go,
sometimes go to the nth degreewhere it's like, okay now,
rather than just having anawareness and doing something
useful and productive around it.
Now what we're going to do iswe're going to pathologize
normal struggles.
Now what we're going to do iswe're going to turn everything
(16:59):
into a pathology.
That means that we have anexcuse not to do life right.
So essentially, what we'redoing is we're basically
justifying our reason why wehave to stay the same and
justifying why, you know, Idon't need to grow, I don't need
to build my capacity, I don'tneed to learn how to manage
(17:20):
myself in the world.
I'm just going to sit here andsay, no, I can't do that because
I'm some category that is notable to.
And again, I suppose it's achoice, but you're not going to
get very far in your life andyou're going to really limit
yourself and you are puttingthose limitations on you.
So it's not the world puttingthose limitations on you, it's
(17:40):
you putting those limitations onyourself.
So sort of be aware of that, youknow, and the other part of
this too is you know I supposegetting back to the different
identities and things is, youknow when we need to have
external validation.
So once upon a time weunderstood it was an inside job.
It really is an inside job tobuild up your capacity and build
(18:06):
up your strength and build upyour ability to manage in the
world and not have safe spacescreated for you, but know that
you'll manage in whatever spaceyou find yourself in, that
you'll have the capacity andyou'll be able to do it.
So once upon a time we had thatunderstanding, we knew that.
But now what we're doing iswe're just sort of saying oh
(18:27):
okay, yeah, you've had thisthing happen to you.
You're fragile, you can't buildyour capacity, you don't have
capacity.
We have to protect you.
So here you are, we'll put youin this victim class.
We'll tell you that everyone'sout to get you.
We'll tell you that you're.
You know that you're beingharmed by words or by someone
not affirming you or by someonenot accepting you, and that's
(18:51):
damaging to you, that'sphysically and emotionally
damaging to you and poor you,and we're going to protect you
instead of just saying, hey, youknow, the truth is that we
can't rely on the world tovalidate us.
We can't rely on other people,you know, like someone not
validating me, not liking me ornot accepting me shouldn't be
(19:13):
threatening my emotional orphysical well-being, right?
Because the truth is that'sgoing to happen in life.
No matter what, no matter whoyou are, no matter what your
identity is or where you're from, whatever the truth is, you're
going to have people in yourlife who don't like you.
You're going to have people inyour life who are mean or who
(19:33):
treat you badly or pick on youor they don't acknowledge you.
Whatever it is, that's just thereality of it.
That's just life.
So if I say to you that, well,you know, if people don't
acknowledge you and if peopledon't validate you, and if
people don't love you andcelebrate you, that they're
(19:53):
harming you, how is that helpingyou?
How is that helping you, right?
So, as human beings,essentially what I'm trying to
say is we need to build capacityto be in this world, to survive
in this world and to manage inthis world.
And if we perceive ourselves tobe perpetual victims of
everything, perpetually fragileand unable to manage, we've got
(20:17):
all the excuses to not grow andnot build capacity and not
function in our life.
It's just like the get out ofjail free card that we're not.
It's not none of it's my fault.
Everything just happens to me.
Nothing in life is myresponsibility or my fault.
Okay, it might be an excuse andyou might get out of stuff, but
(20:39):
is that going to be helping you?
Is that really helpful?
And that's sort of.
I suppose that's my question.
And, look, I asked myself thesame question in regards to some
of these issues as well.
I'm not having this conversationto point the finger at people
or pick on individual people orindividual groups.
Just to say what we're doing inthis world is we are creating a
(21:01):
whole bunch of perpetualvictims and we're encouraging
people to stay in a victimmindset.
And people might be doing itfor other reasons that reasons
that benefit them, because theylike being, they like protesting
and they like being they, theylike making money off some of
these things as well, becauseyou can make money off some of
(21:21):
these things, and they likebeing angry and they you know
they enjoy some of this stuff,right?
Be aware that sometimes certainpeople are being told that
they're victims because itbenefits other people around
them, right, so you can chooseto identify in some sort of
(21:44):
victim class, or you can chooseto label normal emotions as some
sort of pathology.
You can choose to stay in thevictimhood of whatever has
happened to you and whatever'sgone on for you, or you can can
choose to say what can I do?
Right, and I'm not saying that.
Go from being in a really badsituation to, oh, I'm fine the
(22:06):
next day.
You might need a whole lot oftherapy, you might need a whole
lot of physical therapy.
There's a whole lot of thingsthat you might need.
So I'm not sort of saying that,oh, we can wave a magic wand
and everything's okay.
Not saying that at all.
All I'm saying is, if ourmindset is closed off to any
ability for us to build our owncapacity and any agency, any
(22:30):
ability for us to have anyagency in our own lives, if
we're completely closed off tothat and absolutely believe that
we're perpetual victims andlife is always going to be hard
and we can never achieveanything, well, it kind of comes
true, doesn't it?
So, essentially, what we do,you know, and all you have to do
(22:50):
is read any book from anyonewho's overcome, and that
particularly, you'll see.
I mean, go and watch, go to theParalympics.
I went to the Paralympics inSydney and saw, watched some of
those things and again, you know, I watched people who were
completely blind run and do thelong jump and you might think,
oh, that's not a big deal.
Well, I've got some issues withmyself where I'm partially
(23:14):
blind and I, when I first had mystroke I was, I lost all of my
peripheral vision for the firstfew hours.
Just living for a few hourswith no peripheral vision was
kind of terrifying.
And you know, it really is hardwhen you can't see, to have the
confidence to move forward.
When you see someone relying ona cane or a dog or something
(23:35):
like that to walk forward and tohave the courage to do that and
not know what's in front ofthem, that takes a hell of a lot
of courage.
If you're doing the long jump,if you're not only just willing
to walk forward but willing torun and jump forward, wow,
that's a lot of courage in thatright.
And there's people doing thatsort of stuff everywhere all of
(23:55):
the time and just overcoming andfiguring out ways to do things.
I had a friend at school whowas born with no arms and he
used to write with his feetright.
So he overcame.
He said, oh, you know.
He could have just said, ohwell, you know, I've got no arms
, I'm just going to spend mywhole life complaining about
that, and he'd have very goodjustification for it.
It's not his fault.
(24:15):
However, he just got on with itand sort of said, well, what
can I do?
All right.
So if you're feeling sorry foryourself or you're feeling like
you can't come out of some ofthese things, look for some of
these inspirational stories.
Read some, you know.
Look at some Paralympians.
Read some inspiring books aboutthose kinds of people.
Just to kind of, sometimes weneed just a bit of a reality
(24:36):
check, right?
So, anyway, it's totally up toyou, but what I'm encouraging
people to do is to find theirown agency, and the way we do
that is we, you know we mightaccept that there's certain
labels or certain things thataffect us and we use that as
information, as data, and that'sinformation to help us to
navigate our way or to help usfigure out the best way to
(24:57):
navigate for ourselves, and weall have different needs and we
need different support to dothat.
Absolutely fine, that is allgreat.
So do that, but don't move intoyour label as a place to live
forever in perpetuality, as away to remove your agency and
(25:18):
make life hard for yourself.
So it's one thing to use it asinformation and a bit of a
guidepost of, maybe, whatsupport you might need.
It's another thing to use it asa well that just means I can't
do life right.
There's a difference.
So that's what I'm trying tosay.
I hope I made sense.
Look, I know I'd like yourfeedback Again, all feedback as
(25:40):
long as it's respectful I don'tsee the need to be nasty to each
other, but just respectfulfeedback.
What your thoughts on this are,and I hope I explained myself
well in that, yeah, not havingto go at anyone for how they
feel and feeling like a victimor even being victimized it's
not about that.
This is just about okay, sortof moving forward.
(26:00):
What's the best way to do this?
And I think that we can.
There's a great way to uselabels that we have as
information and they're useful,but not as a whole identity that
might actually cause harm to usor cause harm to our lives or
reduce our capacity or abilityto have a great life.
(26:23):
Anyway, I would love yourfeedback.
Please also like, subscribe,share.
I hear I like to have realconversations about things that
matter and that's why I'm havingthis conversation.
Sometimes I think that becausewe're afraid to step on
landmines, we're afraid to havethese difficultmines, we're
afraid to have these difficultconversations, and I might have
not explained things as well asI could have.
(26:45):
I hope I've explained things asthings well.
But we need to be willing tohave these conversations and
maybe accidentally say the wrongthing or say it the wrong way
or whatever.
That that's the whole point offree speech.
The point of free speech is thatwe get better at stuff and we
learn, and when we haveconversations we can do things
better.
But we can't do it if we can'tthink, and speaking is part of
(27:07):
how we think.
So I'm kind of part of thiswhole thing is I'm just thinking
out loud, so I might haveworded things in a slightly
wrong way, but it's not intendedas having a go at anyone, as
just opening up a conversation,an important conversation,
because our society is movingmore and more towards labels and
, like I said, if we use themthe right way, they can be fine,
(27:31):
but if we don't, they can bereally detrimental.
So that's the conversation I'mtrying to have here and, yeah, I
hope that that's the spirit inwhich you receive it and hope
you have a good week and I willsee you all again next week.
Thank you, bye-bye.
Hello and welcome to the Wellness Connection Podcast
.
I'm your host, Fiona Cain.
Today I wanted to talk a littlebit more in regards to what I
see a lot, and I've seen this inmyself and I see this in others
.
So, by the way, when I talkabout this today, this is not a
judgment.
It's actually just anobservation and a discussion
(00:21):
about what I see a lot, and whatI see a lot is people giving
away their agency.
They're giving away their power, and I'll explain to you a
little bit more about what Imean.
So what I'm talking about hereis when we turn our labels into
our identity.
So, and we use our labels asexcuses.
(00:43):
Instead of just knowing thatthere's an explanation, we use
labels as an excuse.
So I'll give you an idea ofwhat I mean.
So it could be, for example,that someone has been diagnosed
with something right.
So something that's reallypopular at the moment is ADHD
diagnosis, and I'm not sayinganything negative about that's
(01:04):
real or anything like that, notsaying that at all.
It is real.
However, there's a differencebetween getting a diagnosis that
you have ADHD and then learningwhat that might mean and
whether or not that might meanthat there's different ways for
you to structure your day orstructure your life or whatever
(01:24):
strategies you need to use thatsupport you to do things you
know do to do.
Well, right?
So you know, for example, evenjust something like I'm an audio
learner, I like to learn sortof with audios as opposed to the
written word, as opposed toreading, and you know so that
that's a useful thing for me toknow that if I want to learn,
(01:46):
audio versions are better for me, right?
So it's kind of like okay, Iknow that I find it harder to
read than I do to listen, and soI know that that's a strategy
for me, right, is listen tothings where I can, and which is
which you can do these days,which is great.
So it's kind of like justknowing okay, well, I know that
I've got these specific issues.
(02:06):
I struggle to learn this way,or I struggle to stay on time
when I do this, so what are thestrategies I can use to do that
better?
So that's one way of managingany kind of diagnosis, right?
Another way is saying, oh, I'vegot ADHD or insert other thing,
I'm not just picking on thatissue, but I've got this thing
and that means that forevermore,I'll always be late and I'll
(02:30):
never be able to organize myself, and it's not my fault, right?
So there's a difference betweensort of saying that yes,
there's an explanation here.
The explanation is my brain'swired a little bit differently,
or I've got this health issue ordisability, or whatever.
The issue is that you might bestruggling with, or it could be
(02:51):
something to do with yourchildhood.
You've had a terrible childhood, something's happened to you,
maybe you've had a terribleexperience All of the things
that could mean that we havechallenges in our life.
Right, there's millions ofreasons why and they're valid,
right, it's valid when you'vegot issues and when you struggle
with certain things.
So I'm not saying none of it'svalid, because we have a whole
(03:14):
bunch of reasons that are veryvalid that we could use to sort
of say, well, this is why Ican't do this or why I struggle
with that, whatever, and so notsaying at all it's not valid.
What I am saying, though, iswhen we turn it into our
identity, our whole identity, itdoes actually take away our
power, and it also can stop usfrom achieving things, because
(03:37):
we've kind of decided weabsolutely decide what our
limitations are.
So we say I've got X, y, z.
That means I've got theselimitations full stop, end of
story and we don't go anyfurther.
And again, this is why this iskind of discussion rather than a
I get understanding limitationsand I get understanding reality
(03:59):
.
I think that a lot of peopledon't understand reality and
that's not helpful either.
So, understanding that there'sa certain level of limitation,
you know, like for me,understanding I think I've said
it before right, I'm five foottall, got lots of issues with my
muscles.
I'm 54, whatever, I'm nevergoing to be a basketballer, not
that I ever was going to be,even when I was young.
But you know, it's good tounderstand certain limitations
(04:19):
Sure, fair enough.
At the same time, when weabsolutely reside in our issue
and our belief about ourlimitations, we can really
really limit what we can achieve.
So, yeah, I'm not going to be abasketballer, but it doesn't
mean that I can't function.
So I'll give you some examplesof what I mean here as well.
(04:41):
So I talked about this on thelast episode.
There's a child that I've beenfollowing his account.
His name is Jackson, and littletwo-year-old boy, and he's got
some sort of muscular diseasethat essentially meant that when
he was born he was havingtrouble even swallowing his own
saliva.
Right, he's choking on his ownsaliva.
(05:03):
So his muscles are so badly Idon't know just not functioning
that he struggles with theday-to-day things.
So apparently his parents weretold when he was born that he
would never eat.
So he is fed through a tubethrough his stomach and they
were told he would never eat atall.
And he is eating.
He's still being fed throughthe tube in his stomach, but
(05:24):
he's eating actual food now,right, and they were told he
would never walk and he's notwalking yet, but he's certainly
walking with the help of awalker and starting to be able
to stand up with assistance,that sort of thing.
So I mean a lot better thanwhat they thought would happen.
And I think they were also toldhe would never talk.
You know he's talking and nowhe's.
(05:44):
He's two years old, he's not atthe level of maybe another
two-year-old, but the fact thathe can do any of those things is
amazing, right, and and it'sreally really hard work,
obviously by the family andtherapists and whoever around
them and the child himself, butit's also just proof that you
know, if they had have acceptedthe limitations and said, all
right, well, he's never going todo any of those things.
(06:06):
We're just going to leave himlying in a cot and just feed him
through the tube and justaccept that and just leave it
alone and not try, right?
That's the situation that theywould be in.
But they've said, all right, weunderstand there's a reality
here and the reality is this youknow, there's a whole bunch of
things that might not happen forthis child.
But okay, now we understandthat reality, let's just do our
(06:27):
best and try and do the best wecan and use whatever strategies
that we need, like I was talkingabout before with me with my
own strategies.
Use whatever strategies we needto support our success, right?
So it's not about saying thatpeople don't have excuses or
reasons or they're not valid,absolutely.
There's a whole bunch ofreasons why life is hard for a
(06:48):
whole bunch of people and theycan be really valid and really,
really hard, and you know, I'mnot denying that in any way.
However, if it's how youidentify, if it's kind of you
know you walk around the worldfrom the point of view of kind
of going life is hard for mebecause and I can't achieve,
(07:11):
because and it's you know, andeveryone's out to get me,
because that's just going totake away your agency and it's
really going to limit your life.
So sometimes you know, thingscan be true and sometimes two
things can be true at the sametime.
So the truth might mean that Ihave got this issue or that
issue which makes life reallyhard for me and it's not fair,
(07:35):
and it was something that wasdone to me or that happened to
me and I'm completely innocentand it happened to me and it's
really terrible, really hard andreally awful.
That can be true.
But it can also be true that ifI walk around just living in
that space, I can really reallylimit myself.
So it could be true that I canaccept that but still say, okay,
(07:57):
but I'm going to get on with itand these are the strategies
I'm going to use to try and helpmyself.
Or it can also be true that yousay these things happened to me
and therefore I am going to useto try and help myself.
Or it can also be true that yousay these things happen to me
and therefore I am going to notdo anything, because I can't
right and completely understand,when really horrible things,
big things, happen to people,why they might respond to that
(08:18):
way.
All I'm saying is it's notparticularly helpful and it
really limits you, right.
But no judgment for people, theway that they do these things.
But you only have to read booksof people Like.
The other day I was listeningto a podcast and I heard of
someone who was a quadrupleamputee and this guy has started
(08:38):
up a business where he'sactually helping people rehab
who've had those kinds ofinjuries and illnesses and
soldiers, whoever it is, peoplewho've experienced those issues
where they've lost their limbs.
He's actually created asuccessful, thriving business to
help people with those issues.
Right Now most people would saythat if you were a quadruple
(09:00):
amputee, even if you had oneamputated limb, that that would
be a really, really good excuseto kind of just drop out and say
it's all too hard.
And I imagine I'd be one ofthose people that would say, oh,
it's all too hard because Ifind things challenging.
Like I said, I'm owning it thatI'm guilty of sometimes
identifying things and kind oftalking myself out of the
(09:22):
ability to do things because Ifeel bad or feel like life's
hard.
But when you look around andyou look at people who have it a
lot harder than maybe what youdo, they find a way just to get
on with things.
And it's like I said before,it's not about not being in
reality, because they're verymuch in reality.
If you're a quadruple amputee,you're very much in the reality
(09:44):
of that every moment of everyday.
But the ability to say, allright, I know that this is my
situation, hey, but what can Ido?
Right.
And it always comes back tothat what can I do?
Thing right.
So sometimes what we do is wetell you what we can't do, or
(10:05):
what we think we can't do, andwe don't look at what we can do.
And while you can have areality about where you are
right now, about what you can'tdo, it's also important to sort
of say, all right, right, thismoment that's not possible, but
hey, let's just have a go, orlet's just do the things we can,
or let's just work on that,like this child I was talking
(10:30):
about, let's go and do the workthat will enable me to maybe
strengthen my muscles to thepoint where I can actually eat
Right.
So it's just just a mindsetwhen you kind of say, all right,
well, what can I do?
I know I'm being realistic, I'mnot being, you know, I'm not
pretending that, it's not whatit is, but if I can sit here
forever in this place of feelinglike a victim, or feeling like
(10:51):
life's unfair, or just countingall the things I can't do or all
of the bad things, or I can say, all right, I'm really really
well aware of that.
Now, what can I do?
What strategies are there?
What can I do to change things?
And it might be I've talkedabout before on this podcast
lots of different things likeglimmers versus triggers, even
(11:14):
just having an awareness of goodthings around you, because
sometimes we only look at thenegative things and we don't
look at the good things.
So labels are there to help usunderstand our situation.
So that might be the label of adiagnosis, or the label it
could even be.
You know, the other place I seethis happening is even in just
(11:34):
labels, in regards to whether itbe things like sexual identity
or those things, right.
So again, that's another areawhere you know there might be a
certain label that you might say, okay, well, I know, I
understand, that's why I'mattracted to this way or that's
why I feel that way, fine, okay,that's great.
But what we're doing is we'redividing people up into groups
(11:55):
now and we have to labeleverybody as some name, and it's
quite funny because it's it'slike.
This whole idea is that, uh,what I hear is like we're we're
we're defining things too muchand we need to be more fluid and
we need to use more fluidlanguage, and blah, blah, blah.
Then there is a label for everysingle thing.
Within that it's like, okay,all right, there's labels for
(12:18):
everything, but not only that,but what we do and this is
probably getting the morepolitical thing but what we do
is we label different groups,victim groups, right, and that's
not helpful either.
So it is useful to know.
It's useful information to knowthat historically, this group
or that group or whoever it is,have been treated badly or
(12:39):
whatever the situation is.
And that's okay, it's useful toknow, and we need to be in
reality and we need tounderstand history Absolutely.
But at the same time, it's alsouseful to know that in Western
worlds, a lot of these samegroups are not.
That's not true.
It's not true anymore, right,but what I see is I see people
(13:00):
who make money and do well outof being activists.
I see those kinds of people whoget a lot of energy out of their
activism really deliberatelytrying to put people into victim
classes and really trying topush the well you are, you know
you've got this identity, or youlook this way, or you've got
(13:23):
this racial identity, whatever.
That means you are a victim andeveryone hates you and there's
this whole systemic thing out toget you and therefore you're
not going to do very well.
And again it's like you seepeople who just ignore that and
get on with it and they do fine,but it's the people who really
buy into it that have thetrouble right.
So if you say, because ofwhatever racial identity I have
(13:46):
or whatever sexual identity Ihave, I can't do well, I can't
get on with life, I'm going tobe treated badly, blah, blah,
blah, that will be yourexperience.
You'll really close yourselfinto that experience, whereas if
you say, yep, there is thesethings and that there is such
thing as you know, I'm notsaying that.
Also, I'm not saying thatracism doesn't exist or people
(14:08):
aren't in any way bigots or anyof that kind of stuff.
People can be cruel andsometimes people get all people
actually, but sometimes peopleget picked on or there's certain
groups that get worse treatmentand all of that.
And I'm not talking abouthistorically, that's a whole
other conversation, but I'm justtalking about now, in the
Western world now.
So I'm not saying that stuffdoesn't happen or people don't
(14:29):
get picked on or things aren'thard.
I'm just saying that again, ifyou use some identity that you
have as an excuse to opt out andmiss out, opt out of things in
life or miss out on things inlife, all you're doing is
actually letting the bullies win.
So you're letting the peoplewho are bigots or bullies win.
(14:49):
If you say this means I'm somesort of, you know, victim
category and that's my excusefor not doing anything in my
life, you know, all you're doingis taking away your own agency,
right?
So I'm not talking about whatis true or not true for you,
just more how you respond to orhow you talk to yourself about
it, how that can.
Sometimes what we do is wedon't get where we want to go in
(15:13):
life because we kind of justhave this oh well, I'm a victim,
therefore I can't life, becausewe kind of just have this oh
well, I'm a victim, therefore Ican't.
And that is a real, that's areal challenge as human beings
on this earth for us to kind ofhave these challenges and have
these.
You know that, like I said,that are your identity or your
diagnosis or whatever it is isinformation, and it could be
information about a certainchallenge that you're going to
(15:35):
have.
That's more than somebody else.
Somebody else is going to have adifferent challenge by the way,
everyone has differentchallenges but it's whether or
not you completely identify tothe point that you use it as
your way of opting out of life,as justifying your behavior, as
justifying your reason to notchange or not grow or not learn,
(15:57):
because that's another thingthat's happening now, too, in
this sort of basically, like themental health industry is,
we've had this situation andI've been watching some videos
by Raquel the capacity coach.
She's actually really good andshe talks about this like how
okay, isn't it great that we aretalking about mental health
more, as far as, like you know,once upon a time we didn't talk
(16:17):
about it.
We just shut people awaywithout you know really good
strategies for helping them andwe didn't understand the reasons
that, why people might you knowthey've been traumatized or
they've had this problem or thatproblem, and so, like it is
great that we can identify thatthere are mental health issues
with being a human being andlook at what they are, and
strategies and all of thosethings.
(16:39):
So that's a really, really goodthing.
But the problem is, like allgood things, they sort of go,
sometimes go to the nth degreewhere it's like, okay now,
rather than just having anawareness and doing something
useful and productive around it.
Now what we're going to do iswe're going to pathologize
normal struggles.
Now what we're going to do iswe're going to turn everything
(16:59):
into a pathology.
That means that we have anexcuse not to do life right.
So essentially, what we'redoing is we're basically
justifying our reason why wehave to stay the same and
justifying why, you know, Idon't need to grow, I don't need
to build my capacity, I don'tneed to learn how to manage
(17:20):
myself in the world.
I'm just going to sit here andsay, no, I can't do that because
I'm some category that is notable to.
And again, I suppose it's achoice, but you're not going to
get very far in your life andyou're going to really limit
yourself and you are puttingthose limitations on you.
So it's not the world puttingthose limitations on you, it's
(17:40):
you putting those limitations onyourself.
So sort of be aware of that, youknow, and the other part of
this too is you know I supposegetting back to the different
identities and things is, youknow when we need to have
external validation.
So once upon a time weunderstood it was an inside job.
It really is an inside job tobuild up your capacity and build
(18:06):
up your strength and build upyour ability to manage in the
world and not have safe spacescreated for you, but know that
you'll manage in whatever spaceyou find yourself in, that
you'll have the capacity andyou'll be able to do it.
So once upon a time we had thatunderstanding, we knew that.
But now what we're doing iswe're just sort of saying oh
(18:27):
okay, yeah, you've had thisthing happen to you.
You're fragile, you can't buildyour capacity, you don't have
capacity.
We have to protect you.
So here you are, we'll put youin this victim class.
We'll tell you that everyone'sout to get you.
We'll tell you that you're.
You know that you're beingharmed by words or by someone
not affirming you or by someonenot accepting you, and that's
(18:51):
damaging to you, that'sphysically and emotionally
damaging to you and poor you,and we're going to protect you
instead of just saying, hey, youknow, the truth is that we
can't rely on the world tovalidate us.
We can't rely on other people,you know, like someone not
validating me, not liking me ornot accepting me shouldn't be
(19:13):
threatening my emotional orphysical well-being, right?
Because the truth is that'sgoing to happen in life.
No matter what, no matter whoyou are, no matter what your
identity is or where you're from, whatever the truth is, you're
going to have people in yourlife who don't like you.
You're going to have people inyour life who are mean or who
(19:33):
treat you badly or pick on youor they don't acknowledge you.
Whatever it is, that's just thereality of it.
That's just life.
So if I say to you that, well,you know, if people don't
acknowledge you and if peopledon't validate you, and if
people don't love you andcelebrate you, that they're
(19:53):
harming you, how is that helpingyou?
How is that helping you, right?
So, as human beings,essentially what I'm trying to
say is we need to build capacityto be in this world, to survive
in this world and to manage inthis world.
And if we perceive ourselves tobe perpetual victims of
everything, perpetually fragileand unable to manage, we've got
(20:17):
all the excuses to not grow andnot build capacity and not
function in our life.
It's just like the get out ofjail free card that we're not.
It's not none of it's my fault.
Everything just happens to me.
Nothing in life is myresponsibility or my fault.
Okay, it might be an excuse andyou might get out of stuff, but
(20:39):
is that going to be helping you?
Is that really helpful?
And that's sort of.
I suppose that's my question.
And, look, I asked myself thesame question in regards to some
of these issues as well.
I'm not having this conversationto point the finger at people
or pick on individual people orindividual groups.
Just to say what we're doing inthis world is we are creating a
(21:01):
whole bunch of perpetualvictims and we're encouraging
people to stay in a victimmindset.
And people might be doing itfor other reasons that reasons
that benefit them, because theylike being, they like protesting
and they like being they, theylike making money off some of
these things as well, becauseyou can make money off some of
(21:21):
these things, and they likebeing angry and they you know
they enjoy some of this stuff,right?
Be aware that sometimes certainpeople are being told that
they're victims because itbenefits other people around
them, right, so you can chooseto identify in some sort of
(21:44):
victim class, or you can chooseto label normal emotions as some
sort of pathology.
You can choose to stay in thevictimhood of whatever has
happened to you and whatever'sgone on for you, or you can can
choose to say what can I do?
Right, and I'm not saying that.
Go from being in a really badsituation to, oh, I'm fine the
(22:06):
next day.
You might need a whole lot oftherapy, you might need a whole
lot of physical therapy.
There's a whole lot of thingsthat you might need.
So I'm not sort of saying that,oh, we can wave a magic wand
and everything's okay.
Not saying that at all.
All I'm saying is, if ourmindset is closed off to any
ability for us to build our owncapacity and any agency, any
(22:30):
ability for us to have anyagency in our own lives, if
we're completely closed off tothat and absolutely believe that
we're perpetual victims andlife is always going to be hard
and we can never achieveanything, well, it kind of comes
true, doesn't it?
So, essentially, what we do,you know, and all you have to do
(22:50):
is read any book from anyonewho's overcome, and that
particularly, you'll see.
I mean, go and watch, go to theParalympics.
I went to the Paralympics inSydney and saw, watched some of
those things and again, you know, I watched people who were
completely blind run and do thelong jump and you might think,
oh, that's not a big deal.
Well, I've got some issues withmyself where I'm partially
(23:14):
blind and I, when I first had mystroke I was, I lost all of my
peripheral vision for the firstfew hours.
Just living for a few hourswith no peripheral vision was
kind of terrifying.
And you know, it really is hardwhen you can't see, to have the
confidence to move forward.
When you see someone relying ona cane or a dog or something
(23:35):
like that to walk forward and tohave the courage to do that and
not know what's in front ofthem, that takes a hell of a lot
of courage.
If you're doing the long jump,if you're not only just willing
to walk forward but willing torun and jump forward, wow,
that's a lot of courage in thatright.
And there's people doing thatsort of stuff everywhere all of
(23:55):
the time and just overcoming andfiguring out ways to do things.
I had a friend at school whowas born with no arms and he
used to write with his feetright.
So he overcame.
He said, oh, you know.
He could have just said, ohwell, you know, I've got no arms
, I'm just going to spend mywhole life complaining about
that, and he'd have very goodjustification for it.
It's not his fault.
(24:15):
However, he just got on with itand sort of said, well, what
can I do?
All right.
So if you're feeling sorry foryourself or you're feeling like
you can't come out of some ofthese things, look for some of
these inspirational stories.
Read some, you know.
Look at some Paralympians.
Read some inspiring books aboutthose kinds of people.
Just to kind of, sometimes weneed just a bit of a reality
(24:36):
check, right?
So, anyway, it's totally up toyou, but what I'm encouraging
people to do is to find theirown agency, and the way we do
that is we, you know we mightaccept that there's certain
labels or certain things thataffect us and we use that as
information, as data, and that'sinformation to help us to
navigate our way or to help usfigure out the best way to
(24:57):
navigate for ourselves, and weall have different needs and we
need different support to dothat.
Absolutely fine, that is allgreat.
So do that, but don't move intoyour label as a place to live
forever in perpetuality, as away to remove your agency and
(25:18):
make life hard for yourself.
So it's one thing to use it asinformation and a bit of a
guidepost of, maybe, whatsupport you might need.
It's another thing to use it asa well that just means I can't
do life right.
There's a difference.
So that's what I'm trying tosay.
I hope I made sense.
Look, I know I'd like yourfeedback Again, all feedback as
(25:40):
long as it's respectful I don'tsee the need to be nasty to each
other, but just respectfulfeedback.
What your thoughts on this are,and I hope I explained myself
well in that, yeah, not havingto go at anyone for how they
feel and feeling like a victimor even being victimized it's
not about that.
This is just about okay, sortof moving forward.
(26:00):
What's the best way to do this?
And I think that we can.
There's a great way to uselabels that we have as
information and they're useful,but not as a whole identity that
might actually cause harm to usor cause harm to our lives or
reduce our capacity or abilityto have a great life.
(26:23):
Anyway, I would love yourfeedback.
Please also like, subscribe,share.
I hear I like to have realconversations about things that
matter and that's why I'm havingthis conversation.
Sometimes I think that becausewe're afraid to step on
landmines, we're afraid to havethese difficultmines, we're
afraid to have these difficultconversations, and I might have
not explained things as well asI could have.
(26:45):
I hope I've explained things asthings well.
But we need to be willing tohave these conversations and
maybe accidentally say the wrongthing or say it the wrong way
or whatever.
That that's the whole point offree speech.
The point of free speech is thatwe get better at stuff and we
learn, and when we haveconversations we can do things
better.
But we can't do it if we can'tthink, and speaking is part of
(27:07):
how we think.
So I'm kind of part of thiswhole thing is I'm just thinking
out loud, so I might haveworded things in a slightly
wrong way, but it's not intendedas having a go at anyone, as
just opening up a conversation,an important conversation,
because our society is movingmore and more towards labels and
, like I said, if we use themthe right way, they can be fine,
(27:31):
but if we don't, they can bereally detrimental.
So that's the conversation I'mtrying to have here and, yeah, I
hope that that's the spirit inwhich you receive it and hope
you have a good week and I willsee you all again next week.
Thank you, bye-bye.
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