August 5, 2025 • 21 mins
Online community platforms can connect you with like-minded people, support groups, and new friends – but they also come with risks.
In this episode, we explore the good, the bad, and how to stay safe when joining online communities.
Learn how to find supportive groups that lift you up, recognise red flags to avoid, and protect your mental health while building meaningful online connections.
Learn more about booking a nutrition consultation with Fiona: https://informedhealth.com.au/
Learn more about Fiona's speaking and media services: https://fionakane.com.au/
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The Beat of Nature
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Fiona Kane (00:00):
Hello and welcome to the Wellness Connection Podcast
.
I'm your host, Fiona Kane.
Today I'm going to be talkingto you about online groups.
So it's like interest groups orfriendship groups, that sort of
thing online, because I seethat there's value in them, but
I also think that there'schallenges and problems with
them as well.
So I just want to talk a littlebit about that and, yeah, like
(00:22):
I said, some of the things Ithink that are good about them,
but some of the things that Ithink are problematic about them
.
So, of course, one of the goodthings about online groups is
that you can find, potentially,your tribe, so the people that
understand you, the people thatyou can relate to and I really
relate to this from a point ofview of being a big fan of music
(00:43):
and certain films and books andthings like that.
So I am a part of onlinecommunities for bands that I
really like and musicians.
I really like, the Outlanderseries, although I've had to
leave some of those because someof them are a bit over the top.
But anyway, just differentgroups that I've joined online
Facebook groups and differenttypes of groups where it's an
(01:06):
online group where, yes, you cancelebrate the thing that you
all love or talk about yourfavorite passages from a book or
your favorite music and thelyrics and all of those things.
So I've benefited from the factthat we have you can have those
online groups now and you canfind people with something in
common.
There are also health groupsthat can be good and bad, so
(01:29):
they can be good in that mightbe relating to someone else who
has.
You know, like I know, thatpeople who have stoma fitted
some of them, you know do online.
You know Zoom meetings andonline groups and you know, and
it's information.
It's like is it safe to wear my, you know, to do this with my
stoma or do I, can I use a beltfor my stoma?
(01:52):
All the different strategiesthat someone with that issue has
, and so so it can be reallyagain, it can be really useful,
it can be really great.
I'll go into some of why itcannot be as well.
So online friendship groups andinterest groups and things like
that can be amazing andcertainly can be a great way to
sort of share that kind ofpassion you have for something.
(02:15):
Now, obviously, one of thenegative sides is you don't know
for sure that the people on theother end are legit, are real.
You don't know if you'redealing with a scammer somewhere
or because, even though theymight show a photo or whatever,
it's not hard to scan theinternet and just grab photos of
whoever you like.
So, of course, there's a lot of, uh, people in Nigeria who
(02:35):
happen to look like, um, usservice personnel they're kind
of majors and generals andthings like that, you know.
So it's not hard to just tofind a photo online of whoever
you could, even these days, makean AI one, and that's actually
what Andrew Doyle, who is awriter and I think he might be
(02:56):
classed as a comedian, whatever.
Anyway, he had a charactercalled Titania McGrath and he is
a sort of a woke character thathe had on what when it used to
be Twitter, and the photographof Titania was actually
apparently like an AI kind ofimage that used his face but
(03:17):
then turned it into a woman, soanyway.
So yeah, obviously you can dothings like that.
So, first of all, you don'talways know who you're dealing
with and that's what you know.
When I first started doing this,I was in a like I still am in a
group of people who are fans ofKate Miller Heike, she's a
great Australian singer.
If you don't know her, checkher out.
But when I first I was in a, itwas a forum.
(03:41):
It was even before Facebook I'mthat old.
It was a forum.
It was even before Facebook I'mthat old and it was a forum
that we were on where we chattedto each other and I wanted to
go to some gigs with thesepeople, and some that were maybe
outside of Sydney.
My husband's not as into someof the music.
I'm into that kind of thing.
But what I did is I actuallyarranged to meet some of the
people in person and I arrangedto meet them when I was with
(04:04):
other people so that if I metthem and they were pretty dodgy,
that I could get away, right.
So I arranged basically to meetsome of these online people in
person and in a safe way where Iwas with other people and I was
in public places, all of that.
And I did that enough till Igot to a point where I knew the
community.
I knew who the people were, Iknew that I could could trust
(04:25):
them, and then I felt safe.
They're going to shows withthem or traveling with them or
that sort of thing, right.
So I just used common sense andsaid well, okay, I don't know,
these people sound like they'renice and they sound like they're
good people and they might tellme that they're.
You know a married coupleliving in the suburbs, but I
don't know who they are, right.
So it's just.
You've got to remember that youdon't always know who it is that
(04:47):
you are talking to, so you'vegot to treat it like you don't
know, because you really don'tknow.
At the very least, have videocalls with people to see who
they are.
And if people refuse to have avideo call with you or see you
in person, or let you see themin person, besides sending
photos that could be photos ofanyone, I'd be suspicious of
(05:09):
that, right, so one you don'tknow who you're dealing with.
Secondly, sometimes groups arereally positive and sometimes
groups are really negative.
So if the group you're in sosay you're in a group where it's
for a special interest group inregards to a health condition,
(05:29):
so say you're in a group full ofpeople with a certain health
issue, now if they help youovercome and help you learn how
to strategize about how livingwith this situation, or things
that you can do that can relieveyour symptoms, or maybe doctors
that they found that are reallygreat with managing the
situation.
So if they do any things thatkind of help you get better or
(05:53):
help you, basically help youhave a more positive life and a
better life.
So if they help you to eitherjust like they just understand
you and they care and they justmake you feel heard, or they
give you strategies or ways tosupport you, to kind of stay
positive and to look afteryourself, then of course they
(06:16):
can be really beneficial groupsand it's often a really handy
way to find out who's a gooddoctor that does this or has
anyone you know which medicationhas worked for you.
Obviously you still talk toyour doctor, but you know you
might just get some informationabout that.
Does anyone have this reactionto this medication before?
Okay, does anyone know?
Can you swim with this deviceor like whatever?
(06:36):
It is right?
So that can be really reallyhandy.
But think about that, becausesome health groups they are
quite negative and what they dois they encourage you to almost
become your health condition.
So instead of being someonethat lives with a certain health
issue, you become that person.
You become the stoma person orthe cancer person or the Crohn's
(07:00):
person, whatever it is, but itsort of becomes your identity
and some of those groups can bequite negative and some people
can be your identity and some ofthose groups can be quite
negative and some people can bequite negative and what they do
is all they do is they outlinewhat a victim you are and how
tough it is and how hard it isand kind of really just bring
you down and make it harder.
(07:20):
So if a group you're in, if youfind that your mental health is
being affected by it in anegative way, maybe think about
whether or not even if it's saidto be a support group or said
to be whatever, it doesn'tmatter what they call themselves
if your experience of it isthat it affects your physical or
mental health in a negative way, have a bit of a think about
(07:41):
whether or not that is the rightgroup for you.
If it's a group where you getuseful information, you get
support, you get seen and heard,but also you know you feel good
about it and you feel you knowyou feel like it's great for
your, you know it's doing goodfor you, then obviously it can
be a really good thing Like.
The other issue that happenswith some of these support
(08:02):
groups is.
It's unfortunately, it's a wayfor some people.
Some of these support groupsare there to separate you from
your family and friends, sosometimes these people are
essentially grooming indifferent ways, but they might
(08:22):
be saying to you oh, Iunderstand you, I get you, not
like your parents.
You know, you should justdisown your parents, Don't talk
to them, just talk to me.
Right, there should be big redflags there, right?
Or all of your friends don'tunderstand you.
I understand you, me.
Right, there should be big redflags there, right?
Or all of your friends don'tunderstand you.
I understand you.
I'm the only one whounderstands you.
So anyone who it's one thing tohave, maybe someone who points
(08:44):
out that you have a relationshipthat might be a bit strained or
might be a bit problematic inyour life.
Even then, be aware of this,because someone, random person
online telling you that yourin-person relationships are
something wrong with them, theymight be right, but they might
have other agendas.
So just have a bit of awarenessaround that.
But if they are pretty muchtrying to isolate you and say,
(09:07):
oh, don't forget about all thosefriends, you can't be friends
with them because they don'taffirm you like I do or they
don't get you like I do orwhatever, have strong suspicions
around that If you becomefriends with someone online and
your intent is to isolate themfrom all of their family and
friends, that doesn't bode wellfor your intentions for that
person.
(09:27):
So be aware, if you're in agroup where they're really
trying to emphasize thedifference between you and your
family and friends and how theydon't understand you and how
they don't deserve you and allof that, get a bit suspicious
about that right.
So again, sometimes there mightbe situations where someone in
an online group might recognizesomething about a relationship
(09:50):
you have, or they mightrecognize that you're in a
domestic violence relationshipor things like that.
So I'm not saying it's neverwarranted or there's never a
reason or a time when someonemight identify that they feel
like you're in a bad situation,but just be very wary that if
they are trying to isolate youand destroy your relationship so
(10:11):
if you just notice that subtlythey're just sort of saying
something every time about yourpartner or about your parents or
your best friend or whoever itis sometimes they're not
well-intentioned, sometimesthey're trying to isolate you.
So just be aware of that,because there are some groups
that they're trying to isolateyou so they can control you, and
some of them they have verycult-like strategies and a
(10:32):
cult-like strategy.
One of those is to divide andconquer.
Basically, they divide you andseparate you from all of your
support and then they convinceyou to be or do or whatever they
think that you should do.
So have an awareness aroundthat in online groups.
If your online groups demandthat you separate from people
in-person people, that's not agood like.
(10:54):
If you really value someone andyou really care about someone,
you actually want them to havehealthy relationships in the
real world and you want them tohave healthy relationships with
their parents and their familyand things like that.
So if they're deliberatelytrying to sabotage those
relationships, there's a big redflag there that that's a
problematic group, right?
(11:15):
So you know, essentially, ifthe group's trying to separate
you from your loved ones,friends, family.
If the group's trying to talkyou out of going to work or
going and studying or doingsomething that's beneficial for
you.
If the group are trying to talkyou out of doing something,
whether it be exercise or eating, well, whatever you're doing
that's healthy for you, it's.
(11:36):
A difference is, if they'retrying to, you know if you're
basically not eating and notlooking after yourself and
they're trying to encourage youto look after yourself, but if
they're trying to discourage youfrom doing really healthy
things, there's a problem.
Or if they're trying to get youto really really sit in the
pain of being whatever victimclass that you're in.
(11:57):
And in a previous episode I wastalking about sort of not
overreacting to maybe the smalldisagreements or issues or
whatever in relationships.
If they're trying to like if yougo to that group and you say,
oh, I've just had this argumentwith my mom or my best friend or
whoever it is.
If you go to those groups andthey say, hey, look, yeah, look,
(12:20):
that happens and look it's allright, and you know it's just a
misunderstanding.
Or look, we get it.
And your mom I'm sure your momloves you.
She means well, maybe she justdoesn't understand or she's just
trying to do the best for you.
If they say that, that's onething.
But if you go to a group andyou say you just had a fight
with someone and they get stuckin trying to say, oh well,
(12:41):
that's because she hates you,that's because she doesn't
understand you, that's a wholedifferent level and again, there
are times where that might betrue, but in these situations
and these kinds of groups thatI'm talking about, more often
than not it's not true.
And so you know, if you go tothem with a challenge that you
have with someone else and theirfirst response is to try and
(13:01):
sabotage that relationship again, you know the first response
should be trying to help youheal that relationship and keep
that relationship.
And if people you're dealingwith, whether in person or
online, actually are activelytrying to sabotage your other
relationships, you want to havea bit of a look at that and see
what's going on there, becausemy intention is never to
(13:23):
sabotage someone's healthyrelationships with other friends
and family.
So if I feel the need to go inand sabotage your relationship
with your friends and familywhat's going on there?
What's my agenda?
And sabotage your relationshipwith your friends and family,
what's going on there?
What's my agenda?
So just have that awarenessthat sometimes people they don't
(13:44):
have a good agenda for you andthat they might want you to stay
being a victim and be a victimclass and be very needy and very
needy on them and especially ifthey're separating you from
your friends and family, you'llbe very dependent on them and
especially if they're separatingyou from your friends and
family, you'll be very dependenton them.
And that's the other thing too.
Is say, sometimes people it'san agenda where people are
trying to isolate you for somereason or another.
(14:05):
Sometimes it's just so that Idon't have to challenge myself.
So I'll give you an example ofwhat I mean.
I can't be bothered doingexercise, so I'm going to
encourage you to not exercise.
Then I don't have to feel badIf we both don't do it.
I don't feel bad If you do itand I don't.
I might feel bad and thinkmaybe I should do it right.
So that's another thing thathappens.
And again, it can be online orit can be in person.
(14:27):
But a friend doesn't want topush themselves, and so they
don't want to hang around.
Someone who pushes, who does,who does that, who pushes
themselves, who does thosethings right.
So the easier thing to do is topull someone backwards than it
is to push yourself forward.
Okay, so you only really wantto be hanging around with people
who push you forward in apositive way and encourage you
(14:49):
to to be the best you can, notpeople who try and pull you back
into comfort zone with them sothey don't have to challenge
themselves, and that is a realthing too.
Like where I am.
This is sort of going off thetopic, but same topic but
different topic is that I grewup in an area of Sydney that was
very kind of working class andan area that a lot of people
(15:10):
laughed at and picked on andsaid that you know, you're,
you're going to not make it ifyou're from that area.
And there was good things andbad things about growing up in
that area.
But one of the bad things isthat some of the people that
lived there had accepted theirfate and accepted what people
thought about them.
So they accepted that theyweren't going to make it and it
(15:31):
wasn't worth trying.
And you know, oh, I come fromthis place.
Therefore, I, you know, I mayas well give up now, right, and
so I actually did move out ofthat area as earlier as I could
for that exact reason.
So it wasn't the area itself,it wasn't the place itself, but
it was the frame of mind.
So for those of you who knowSydney, that area was Mount
(15:54):
Druin and Mount, and some peoplehad the Mount Rook frame of
mind, and by that I mean they'vebeen told that they're bad and
they're hopeless and they'reuseless.
And they've bought that ideaand they believe it.
And when I moved away, I wasmoving away from that.
So it wasn't so much the placeitself it's not necessarily a
bad place but I was moving awayfrom the people who had that
(16:18):
idea.
And there's a whole lot ofpeople there who didn't have
that idea as well, but I knewfor myself I had to move away.
So it's that kind of wholething.
You are the sum of the fivepeople you spend most of your
time with.
I can't remember who said thatsome famous book.
I can't remember now, but it'svery true.
So, whether it's in person oronline, the groups of people you
(16:38):
want to be with are people whoencourage you and challenge you
in a positive way to be betterand do better, not people who
try and pull you back becausethey want to feel better about
themselves.
So they have to have you be thesame as them.
They can't have you achievinganything, because then they're
going to feel bad becausethey're not achieving anything.
(16:58):
So I just wanted just a reminderabout, sort of when you're
going into groups, whether theybe in person, because the other
type of thing is I talk tomothers about.
You know mother's groups andthings, and sometimes mother's
groups are really toxic andpeople you know they come home
feeling ashamed and feeling badabout themselves because all the
mothers have, oh well, mychild's doing this and my
(17:19):
child's advanced and oh, what'swrong with you.
That kind of thing.
If you're in a group that makesyou feel like that you're in
the wrong group.
Okay.
So whether these groups are inperson, whether they're online,
whether they're sharing healthstuff or whether they're about
your favorite music or yourfavorite movies or whatever they
are, just be aware of being ingroups that are supportive of
(17:43):
you and good for you, not onesthat are negatively affecting
you.
And you know, no matter whatthe group purports to be, or
even if the group was beneficialfor you at one time and now you
find that it's not, it is okayto leave a group.
Or, you know, sometimes in somegroups I will mute them because
I don't want to see all theeveryday but I might just need,
(18:04):
I might sort of go in there justfor handy things that I need,
but I otherwise mute them andthat helps me because I don't
see all the carry on that goeson.
That's really negative, but ifI need a certain resource or
whatever, I can access it.
Right, so, you know,essentially, when we think about
this it's you know, it's thesame as, in general talking,
when we talk about, you know,when you curate your life and
(18:28):
the people who were in it andthe people who you spend your
time with, well, the onlinecommunities are part of that,
right, so you have to curate.
Who knew that?
I didn't know how to say curate, curate?
Who knew that?
I didn't know how to say curate?
You have to curate your lifeand choose who you want to be in
your life and and who, um, andhow you will interact with those
(18:49):
people.
And part of that is thoseonline communities and online
groups and um, and just have asmuch awareness around those, and
actually even more, because youmake sure you, even the people
you're dealing with, areactually real people, and not
just real people, but realpeople that you want to be
associated with and they're notjust stringing you along because
(19:09):
, uh, you know there's eventhese days some of them are just
bots and stuff.
So I mean, half of the peoplethat you argue with on line
aren't even real people, right?
So, um, so, just have anawareness around that.
So, just, I think, sometimes wethink, oh, it's a group where I
get to share my mental healthchallenges with and, look,
that's great.
Look, if you're in a grouptalking about mental health
(19:30):
challenges and that group issupportive of you, fabulous.
But if you're in a grouptalking about mental health
challenges and you're feelingreally bad about yourself or
feeling like you're failingsomehow or they're really
affecting your mental health ina bad way, maybe it's not a
supportive group for you, right?
So just consider online thesame as in person, and really
(19:51):
consider about the individualsand all the groups that you're
with.
Do they support you to be thebest you can be, or do they have
a negative effect on you?
So that's just my sort of inputabout talking about groups and
the people that we spend ourtime with.
Now, just another reminderplease like, subscribe, share,
(20:12):
please rate and review thispodcast, either on YouTube or on
Spotify or wherever you happento be watching or listening to
it.
And please, if I could just askyou just right now, just so you
don't forget can you pleaseclick on share and share this
episode with someone that youknow who may enjoy it as well?
It really will make adifference for me.
(20:32):
The more people who subscribeand watch and like and comment
and interact with my podcast,the more people will see it and
then, you know, it becomessomething that I can afford to
continue to do.
So please do that.
I really appreciate it.
I hope you have a great week.
You know, at the WellnessConnection all about real
(20:54):
conversations about things thatmatter.
So I hope this was useful toyou and I'd love to hear your
feedback.
I will talk to you all againnext week.
Thank you, bye.
Hello and welcome to the Wellness Connection Podcast
.
I'm your host, Fiona Kane.
Today I'm going to be talkingto you about online groups.
So it's like interest groups orfriendship groups, that sort of
thing online, because I seethat there's value in them, but
I also think that there'schallenges and problems with
them as well.
So I just want to talk a littlebit about that and, yeah, like
(00:22):
I said, some of the things Ithink that are good about them,
but some of the things that Ithink are problematic about them
.
So, of course, one of the goodthings about online groups is
that you can find, potentially,your tribe, so the people that
understand you, the people thatyou can relate to and I really
relate to this from a point ofview of being a big fan of music
(00:43):
and certain films and books andthings like that.
So I am a part of onlinecommunities for bands that I
really like and musicians.
I really like, the Outlanderseries, although I've had to
leave some of those because someof them are a bit over the top.
But anyway, just differentgroups that I've joined online
Facebook groups and differenttypes of groups where it's an
(01:06):
online group where, yes, you cancelebrate the thing that you
all love or talk about yourfavorite passages from a book or
your favorite music and thelyrics and all of those things.
So I've benefited from the factthat we have you can have those
online groups now and you canfind people with something in
common.
There are also health groupsthat can be good and bad, so
(01:29):
they can be good in that mightbe relating to someone else who
has.
You know, like I know, thatpeople who have stoma fitted
some of them, you know do online.
You know Zoom meetings andonline groups and you know, and
it's information.
It's like is it safe to wear my, you know, to do this with my
stoma or do I, can I use a beltfor my stoma?
(01:52):
All the different strategiesthat someone with that issue has
, and so so it can be reallyagain, it can be really useful,
it can be really great.
I'll go into some of why itcannot be as well.
So online friendship groups andinterest groups and things like
that can be amazing andcertainly can be a great way to
sort of share that kind ofpassion you have for something.
(02:15):
Now, obviously, one of thenegative sides is you don't know
for sure that the people on theother end are legit, are real.
You don't know if you'redealing with a scammer somewhere
or because, even though theymight show a photo or whatever,
it's not hard to scan theinternet and just grab photos of
whoever you like.
So, of course, there's a lot of, uh, people in Nigeria who
(02:35):
happen to look like, um, usservice personnel they're kind
of majors and generals andthings like that, you know.
So it's not hard to just tofind a photo online of whoever
you could, even these days, makean AI one, and that's actually
what Andrew Doyle, who is awriter and I think he might be
(02:56):
classed as a comedian, whatever.
Anyway, he had a charactercalled Titania McGrath and he is
a sort of a woke character thathe had on what when it used to
be Twitter, and the photographof Titania was actually
apparently like an AI kind ofimage that used his face but
(03:17):
then turned it into a woman, soanyway.
So yeah, obviously you can dothings like that.
So, first of all, you don'talways know who you're dealing
with and that's what you know.
When I first started doing this,I was in a like I still am in a
group of people who are fans ofKate Miller Heike, she's a
great Australian singer.
If you don't know her, checkher out.
But when I first I was in a, itwas a forum.
(03:41):
It was even before Facebook I'mthat old.
It was a forum.
It was even before Facebook I'mthat old and it was a forum
that we were on where we chattedto each other and I wanted to
go to some gigs with thesepeople, and some that were maybe
outside of Sydney.
My husband's not as into someof the music.
I'm into that kind of thing.
But what I did is I actuallyarranged to meet some of the
people in person and I arrangedto meet them when I was with
(04:04):
other people so that if I metthem and they were pretty dodgy,
that I could get away, right.
So I arranged basically to meetsome of these online people in
person and in a safe way where Iwas with other people and I was
in public places, all of that.
And I did that enough till Igot to a point where I knew the
community.
I knew who the people were, Iknew that I could could trust
(04:25):
them, and then I felt safe.
They're going to shows withthem or traveling with them or
that sort of thing, right.
So I just used common sense andsaid well, okay, I don't know,
these people sound like they'renice and they sound like they're
good people and they might tellme that they're.
You know a married coupleliving in the suburbs, but I
don't know who they are, right.
So it's just.
You've got to remember that youdon't always know who it is that
(04:47):
you are talking to, so you'vegot to treat it like you don't
know, because you really don'tknow.
At the very least, have videocalls with people to see who
they are.
And if people refuse to have avideo call with you or see you
in person, or let you see themin person, besides sending
photos that could be photos ofanyone, I'd be suspicious of
(05:09):
that, right, so one you don'tknow who you're dealing with.
Secondly, sometimes groups arereally positive and sometimes
groups are really negative.
So if the group you're in sosay you're in a group where it's
for a special interest group inregards to a health condition,
(05:29):
so say you're in a group full ofpeople with a certain health
issue, now if they help youovercome and help you learn how
to strategize about how livingwith this situation, or things
that you can do that can relieveyour symptoms, or maybe doctors
that they found that are reallygreat with managing the
situation.
So if they do any things thatkind of help you get better or
(05:53):
help you, basically help youhave a more positive life and a
better life.
So if they help you to eitherjust like they just understand
you and they care and they justmake you feel heard, or they
give you strategies or ways tosupport you, to kind of stay
positive and to look afteryourself, then of course they
(06:16):
can be really beneficial groupsand it's often a really handy
way to find out who's a gooddoctor that does this or has
anyone you know which medicationhas worked for you.
Obviously you still talk toyour doctor, but you know you
might just get some informationabout that.
Does anyone have this reactionto this medication before?
Okay, does anyone know?
Can you swim with this deviceor like whatever?
(06:36):
It is right?
So that can be really reallyhandy.
But think about that, becausesome health groups they are
quite negative and what they dois they encourage you to almost
become your health condition.
So instead of being someonethat lives with a certain health
issue, you become that person.
You become the stoma person orthe cancer person or the Crohn's
(07:00):
person, whatever it is, but itsort of becomes your identity
and some of those groups can bequite negative and some people
can be your identity and some ofthose groups can be quite
negative and some people can bequite negative and what they do
is all they do is they outlinewhat a victim you are and how
tough it is and how hard it isand kind of really just bring
you down and make it harder.
(07:20):
So if a group you're in, if youfind that your mental health is
being affected by it in anegative way, maybe think about
whether or not even if it's saidto be a support group or said
to be whatever, it doesn'tmatter what they call themselves
if your experience of it isthat it affects your physical or
mental health in a negative way, have a bit of a think about
(07:41):
whether or not that is the rightgroup for you.
If it's a group where you getuseful information, you get
support, you get seen and heard,but also you know you feel good
about it and you feel you knowyou feel like it's great for
your, you know it's doing goodfor you, then obviously it can
be a really good thing Like.
The other issue that happenswith some of these support
(08:02):
groups is.
It's unfortunately, it's a wayfor some people.
Some of these support groupsare there to separate you from
your family and friends, sosometimes these people are
essentially grooming indifferent ways, but they might
(08:22):
be saying to you oh, Iunderstand you, I get you, not
like your parents.
You know, you should justdisown your parents, Don't talk
to them, just talk to me.
Right, there should be big redflags there, right?
Or all of your friends don'tunderstand you.
I understand you, me.
Right, there should be big redflags there, right?
Or all of your friends don'tunderstand you.
I understand you.
I'm the only one whounderstands you.
So anyone who it's one thing tohave, maybe someone who points
(08:44):
out that you have a relationshipthat might be a bit strained or
might be a bit problematic inyour life.
Even then, be aware of this,because someone, random person
online telling you that yourin-person relationships are
something wrong with them, theymight be right, but they might
have other agendas.
So just have a bit of awarenessaround that.
But if they are pretty muchtrying to isolate you and say,
(09:07):
oh, don't forget about all thosefriends, you can't be friends
with them because they don'taffirm you like I do or they
don't get you like I do orwhatever, have strong suspicions
around that If you becomefriends with someone online and
your intent is to isolate themfrom all of their family and
friends, that doesn't bode wellfor your intentions for that
person.
(09:27):
So be aware, if you're in agroup where they're really
trying to emphasize thedifference between you and your
family and friends and how theydon't understand you and how
they don't deserve you and allof that, get a bit suspicious
about that right.
So again, sometimes there mightbe situations where someone in
an online group might recognizesomething about a relationship
(09:50):
you have, or they mightrecognize that you're in a
domestic violence relationshipor things like that.
So I'm not saying it's neverwarranted or there's never a
reason or a time when someonemight identify that they feel
like you're in a bad situation,but just be very wary that if
they are trying to isolate youand destroy your relationship so
(10:11):
if you just notice that subtlythey're just sort of saying
something every time about yourpartner or about your parents or
your best friend or whoever itis sometimes they're not
well-intentioned, sometimesthey're trying to isolate you.
So just be aware of that,because there are some groups
that they're trying to isolateyou so they can control you, and
some of them they have verycult-like strategies and a
(10:32):
cult-like strategy.
One of those is to divide andconquer.
Basically, they divide you andseparate you from all of your
support and then they convinceyou to be or do or whatever they
think that you should do.
So have an awareness aroundthat in online groups.
If your online groups demandthat you separate from people
in-person people, that's not agood like.
(10:54):
If you really value someone andyou really care about someone,
you actually want them to havehealthy relationships in the
real world and you want them tohave healthy relationships with
their parents and their familyand things like that.
So if they're deliberatelytrying to sabotage those
relationships, there's a big redflag there that that's a
problematic group, right?
(11:15):
So you know, essentially, ifthe group's trying to separate
you from your loved ones,friends, family.
If the group's trying to talkyou out of going to work or
going and studying or doingsomething that's beneficial for
you.
If the group are trying to talkyou out of doing something,
whether it be exercise or eating, well, whatever you're doing
that's healthy for you, it's.
(11:36):
A difference is, if they'retrying to, you know if you're
basically not eating and notlooking after yourself and
they're trying to encourage youto look after yourself, but if
they're trying to discourage youfrom doing really healthy
things, there's a problem.
Or if they're trying to get youto really really sit in the
pain of being whatever victimclass that you're in.
(11:57):
And in a previous episode I wastalking about sort of not
overreacting to maybe the smalldisagreements or issues or
whatever in relationships.
If they're trying to like if yougo to that group and you say,
oh, I've just had this argumentwith my mom or my best friend or
whoever it is.
If you go to those groups andthey say, hey, look, yeah, look,
(12:20):
that happens and look it's allright, and you know it's just a
misunderstanding.
Or look, we get it.
And your mom I'm sure your momloves you.
She means well, maybe she justdoesn't understand or she's just
trying to do the best for you.
If they say that, that's onething.
But if you go to a group andyou say you just had a fight
with someone and they get stuckin trying to say, oh well,
(12:41):
that's because she hates you,that's because she doesn't
understand you, that's a wholedifferent level and again, there
are times where that might betrue, but in these situations
and these kinds of groups thatI'm talking about, more often
than not it's not true.
And so you know, if you go tothem with a challenge that you
have with someone else and theirfirst response is to try and
(13:01):
sabotage that relationship again, you know the first response
should be trying to help youheal that relationship and keep
that relationship.
And if people you're dealingwith, whether in person or
online, actually are activelytrying to sabotage your other
relationships, you want to havea bit of a look at that and see
what's going on there, becausemy intention is never to
(13:23):
sabotage someone's healthyrelationships with other friends
and family.
So if I feel the need to go inand sabotage your relationship
with your friends and familywhat's going on there?
What's my agenda?
And sabotage your relationshipwith your friends and family,
what's going on there?
What's my agenda?
So just have that awarenessthat sometimes people they don't
(13:44):
have a good agenda for you andthat they might want you to stay
being a victim and be a victimclass and be very needy and very
needy on them and especially ifthey're separating you from
your friends and family, you'llbe very dependent on them and
especially if they're separatingyou from your friends and
family, you'll be very dependenton them.
And that's the other thing too.
Is say, sometimes people it'san agenda where people are
trying to isolate you for somereason or another.
(14:05):
Sometimes it's just so that Idon't have to challenge myself.
So I'll give you an example ofwhat I mean.
I can't be bothered doingexercise, so I'm going to
encourage you to not exercise.
Then I don't have to feel badIf we both don't do it.
I don't feel bad If you do itand I don't.
I might feel bad and thinkmaybe I should do it right.
So that's another thing thathappens.
And again, it can be online orit can be in person.
(14:27):
But a friend doesn't want topush themselves, and so they
don't want to hang around.
Someone who pushes, who does,who does that, who pushes
themselves, who does thosethings right.
So the easier thing to do is topull someone backwards than it
is to push yourself forward.
Okay, so you only really wantto be hanging around with people
who push you forward in apositive way and encourage you
(14:49):
to to be the best you can, notpeople who try and pull you back
into comfort zone with them sothey don't have to challenge
themselves, and that is a realthing too.
Like where I am.
This is sort of going off thetopic, but same topic but
different topic is that I grewup in an area of Sydney that was
very kind of working class andan area that a lot of people
(15:10):
laughed at and picked on andsaid that you know, you're,
you're going to not make it ifyou're from that area.
And there was good things andbad things about growing up in
that area.
But one of the bad things isthat some of the people that
lived there had accepted theirfate and accepted what people
thought about them.
So they accepted that theyweren't going to make it and it
(15:31):
wasn't worth trying.
And you know, oh, I come fromthis place.
Therefore, I, you know, I mayas well give up now, right, and
so I actually did move out ofthat area as earlier as I could
for that exact reason.
So it wasn't the area itself,it wasn't the place itself, but
it was the frame of mind.
So for those of you who knowSydney, that area was Mount
(15:54):
Druin and Mount, and some peoplehad the Mount Rook frame of
mind, and by that I mean they'vebeen told that they're bad and
they're hopeless and they'reuseless.
And they've bought that ideaand they believe it.
And when I moved away, I wasmoving away from that.
So it wasn't so much the placeitself it's not necessarily a
bad place but I was moving awayfrom the people who had that
(16:18):
idea.
And there's a whole lot ofpeople there who didn't have
that idea as well, but I knewfor myself I had to move away.
So it's that kind of wholething.
You are the sum of the fivepeople you spend most of your
time with.
I can't remember who said thatsome famous book.
I can't remember now, but it'svery true.
So, whether it's in person oronline, the groups of people you
(16:38):
want to be with are people whoencourage you and challenge you
in a positive way to be betterand do better, not people who
try and pull you back becausethey want to feel better about
themselves.
So they have to have you be thesame as them.
They can't have you achievinganything, because then they're
going to feel bad becausethey're not achieving anything.
(16:58):
So I just wanted just a reminderabout, sort of when you're
going into groups, whether theybe in person, because the other
type of thing is I talk tomothers about.
You know mother's groups andthings, and sometimes mother's
groups are really toxic andpeople you know they come home
feeling ashamed and feeling badabout themselves because all the
mothers have, oh well, mychild's doing this and my
(17:19):
child's advanced and oh, what'swrong with you.
That kind of thing.
If you're in a group that makesyou feel like that you're in
the wrong group.
Okay.
So whether these groups are inperson, whether they're online,
whether they're sharing healthstuff or whether they're about
your favorite music or yourfavorite movies or whatever they
are, just be aware of being ingroups that are supportive of
(17:43):
you and good for you, not onesthat are negatively affecting
you.
And you know, no matter whatthe group purports to be, or
even if the group was beneficialfor you at one time and now you
find that it's not, it is okayto leave a group.
Or, you know, sometimes in somegroups I will mute them because
I don't want to see all theeveryday but I might just need,
(18:04):
I might sort of go in there justfor handy things that I need,
but I otherwise mute them andthat helps me because I don't
see all the carry on that goeson.
That's really negative, but ifI need a certain resource or
whatever, I can access it.
Right, so, you know,essentially, when we think about
this it's you know, it's thesame as, in general talking,
when we talk about, you know,when you curate your life and
(18:28):
the people who were in it andthe people who you spend your
time with, well, the onlinecommunities are part of that,
right, so you have to curate.
Who knew that?
I didn't know how to say curate, curate?
Who knew that?
I didn't know how to say curate?
You have to curate your lifeand choose who you want to be in
your life and and who, um, andhow you will interact with those
(18:49):
people.
And part of that is thoseonline communities and online
groups and um, and just have asmuch awareness around those, and
actually even more, because youmake sure you, even the people
you're dealing with, areactually real people, and not
just real people, but realpeople that you want to be
associated with and they're notjust stringing you along because
(19:09):
, uh, you know there's eventhese days some of them are just
bots and stuff.
So I mean, half of the peoplethat you argue with on line
aren't even real people, right?
So, um, so, just have anawareness around that.
So, just, I think, sometimes wethink, oh, it's a group where I
get to share my mental healthchallenges with and, look,
that's great.
Look, if you're in a grouptalking about mental health
(19:30):
challenges and that group issupportive of you, fabulous.
But if you're in a grouptalking about mental health
challenges and you're feelingreally bad about yourself or
feeling like you're failingsomehow or they're really
affecting your mental health ina bad way, maybe it's not a
supportive group for you, right?
So just consider online thesame as in person, and really
(19:51):
consider about the individualsand all the groups that you're
with.
Do they support you to be thebest you can be, or do they have
a negative effect on you?
So that's just my sort of inputabout talking about groups and
the people that we spend ourtime with.
Now, just another reminderplease like, subscribe, share,
(20:12):
please rate and review thispodcast, either on YouTube or on
Spotify or wherever you happento be watching or listening to
it.
And please, if I could just askyou just right now, just so you
don't forget can you pleaseclick on share and share this
episode with someone that youknow who may enjoy it as well?
It really will make adifference for me.
(20:32):
The more people who subscribeand watch and like and comment
and interact with my podcast,the more people will see it and
then, you know, it becomessomething that I can afford to
continue to do.
So please do that.
I really appreciate it.
I hope you have a great week.
You know, at the WellnessConnection all about real
(20:54):
conversations about things thatmatter.
So I hope this was useful toyou and I'd love to hear your
feedback.
I will talk to you all againnext week.
Thank you, bye.
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