August 12, 2025 • 21 mins
Parent-Child Relationships: Coping When Your Parents Can’t Change is something many of us struggle with. In this episode, we explore how to deal with the pain of having parents who can’t give you what you need.
Learn why accepting their limitations can bring you peace, how to adjust your expectations to avoid constant disappointment, and ways to build your own emotional resilience and capacity so you can move forward with strength and freedom.
Learn more about booking a nutrition consultation with Fiona: https://informedhealth.com.au/
Learn more about Fiona's speaking and media services: https://fionakane.com.au/
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Credit for the music used in this podcast:
The Beat of Nature
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Fiona Kane (00:00):
Hello and welcome to the Wellness Connection Podcast
.
I'm your host, Fiona Kane.
Today I'm furthering mydiscussion about relationships.
I've talked about them in a fewdifferent episodes and today,
probably one of therelationships specifically I'm
going to be talking about wouldbe a relationship with a parent.
But this could actuallytranslate to other kind of
relationships as well.
(00:23):
One thing I often see and I'veseen it in my own life and seen
it when I talk to clients is Isee people who have strained
relationships with people,particularly with their parents,
and one thing I see quitecommonly is that sometimes we
have unrealistic expectations ofthat person in our life, and so
(00:46):
what happens is they keepdisappointing us over and over
and over again.
And the truth is that all of ushuman beings, we're flawed.
We're all a bit of a sum ofwhat's come before, what's led
up to now, and sometimes that'sbeen good and sometimes not so
good.
Some people have hadchallenging lives and have had
(01:10):
no role models for how to parent, no role models for how to have
a healthy relationship.
They haven't learned how tomanage their emotions, they
haven't learned how to managetheir mental health.
They haven't learned how to be,you know, functional, like
emotionally functional humanbeing right, and so some people
just haven't got many of thoseskills, or we haven't got all of
(01:33):
them, or most of us haven't gotall of those skills right.
So we're all in a differentplace there, where we've got a
certain level of capacity right,and some people have way less
capacity not saying that theycouldn't build that capacity,
but they haven't built it.
So we've all ordered Englishspeak, fiona speak.
We're all at a different levelof capacity and we've all built
(01:56):
a different level of capacity inour lives, and so some of us at
this moment in time have morecapacity than others, and
essentially that is the truth ofit.
So when you are dealing with,say, for example, a relationship
with a parent, sometimes whathappens is the truth is, as a
child, you deserve to be lovedunconditionally by your parents
(02:22):
and you deserve to have a greatlife where your parents give you
love and support and all of thethings that you need to grow up
and be a functional,well-adjusted adult.
Right, we all deserve that.
We should get that.
It's only right that we getthat.
But the truth is, in the realworld, many people don't get
(02:43):
that or they get differentvariations of that, and so it is
normal to feel hurt, to feelsad, to feel angry, to feel
whatever the emotion is, to feellike you've missed out when you
didn't get that and you'restruggling with life and trying
to figure it out and you feellike you didn't even get the
(03:05):
basic building blocks for how tomanage life right.
So it is okay to feel that way,and it could be normal if you
haven't had that support thatyou needed as a child.
So that is fair enough, that isokay.
I would suggest, though, that ifyou're really struggling with
(03:25):
that, to see a counsellor ortherapist or someone and get
support around that, becausesometimes we do need support
around that, and we do need totalk about how disappointed we
are or how devastated we are orhow sad we are or whatever.
The emotion is that we didn'tget what we needed, because many
children just don't get whatthey need, and that is a
(03:47):
terrible thing for them and thatcan be really challenging.
So that is a truth, but thething is that we think about it
for ourselves, but we forgetabout it for our parents.
So you didn't get what youneeded from your parents, but
maybe they didn't get what theyneeded either, so they just
didn't have it to give becausethey didn't get it right.
And ultimately, what we need todo to build an adult
(04:11):
relationship with our parents iswe need to meet them where they
are, and that is just thereality of it.
So what I mean by that is youknow, sometimes you've got to
work out all of your anger andall those things.
You do that with your therapistor your best friend or whoever
you do that with, and sometimesyou can talk about that with
(04:37):
your parents.
Sometimes people have healingwhen they can talk to their
parents about different issues.
But sometimes you can't.
Sometimes that's just they'renot.
They don't have the capacityfor it.
They can't do it.
They can't be the person thathelps you through your mental
health issue that you havearound them not being a good
enough parent, right?
Sometimes you're not going toget the apology that you want,
you're not going to get theacknowledgement that you want.
(04:59):
Sometimes you're not going toget any of that.
So we do have to go looking forthat, maybe in other places
where we will get it, which willbe support through a therapist
or something like that.
To have an ongoing relationshipwith a parent.
We need to, or anyone.
We need to meet them where theyare.
So if you know that your parentisn't up for going over the past
(05:22):
and talking about what happenedand they're not going to
apologize to you and they're notgoing to do any of that sort of
stuff with you, you have tojust decide that you're okay
with that and you don't needthat from them, because you
don't necessarily need that fromthem.
You can go and do that in otherplaces.
You don't need your parent tofor you to grow and heal.
You don't need your parent todo that.
(05:43):
You can do that separately fromthem, right?
They don't have to do it.
So you can, all right.
But they just might not want toor feel like they're able to or
be able to, and there's acertain level of you know we
have to kind of accept that withour parents that we can't make
them do or other people, whoeverthey are, make them do what we
(06:10):
feel that they should be doing.
So you have to learn to meetpeople where they're at, and
that means dropping yourexpectations of what you feel
like that they should do for you.
So if you feel like they shouldalways show up for you and they
should always do this, theyshould always do that and they
need to provide this sort ofsupport and this sort of love
for you.
Like you might be valid in yourassumption that that's what
parents should do, but that doesnot mean your parent is going
(06:31):
to do that.
They just might not do that.
It might be because they'reselfish, might be because
they're horrible people, mightbe just because they don't know
how to do it.
They don't have the capacityfor it.
But whatever the reason is,they're going to do what they're
going to do, like people whoare who they are.
And yes, sometimes people havegrowth and they grow spiritually
(06:53):
, emotionally and all thosethings, and that's great when
that happens and that can happenand it does happen.
But sometimes people don't haveany of that.
They just they are who they areand they're always going to be
that and at some level we haveto learn how to accept that
that's just who they are.
You can then decide what levelof relationship you want to have
(07:13):
with them.
But it's like don't setyourself up over and over again
to be disappointed.
So if you know that person'snot going to show up, don't
constantly arrange to meet themand then be sitting there kind
of going oh, I knew it, I knewit, I knew it, and then be
devastated every time they don'tshow up right.
Or don't expect them to do yourtherapy, speak with you and
(07:35):
help you with your therapy stuffand your mental health.
If they're not going to do that, they're not going to do that
right.
Or don't expect them to be theperson for you that gives you
that unconditional love.
Maybe they can't do that, butyou might get that from someone
else, but you're not going toget that from your father or
your mother or whoever it is.
But what we do often is we kindof have in our mind who we think
(07:56):
our parents should be and whatthat role they should play, and
then we constantly get woundedbecause they don't do that thing
and that's just damagingyourself over and over again.
It's like going up and smackingyour head against a wall over
and over again.
Right, simply put, they will dowhatever their capacity is or
(08:16):
whatever they want to, and youhave no control over that.
And if your happiness, yourmental health, your physical
health, your happiness isreliant on them doing something
or being something, that is avery precarious place because
you can only be okay if they door say or be whatever.
(08:38):
That's not healthy for anyonein your life, right?
So if you need someone in yourlife to do or say or be
something so you can be okay,you've got to have a look at
your capacity and maybe buildyour mental health capacity
around being okay, regardless ofif those people do say or be
(08:58):
what you want them to be.
So you might want them to be acertain way and you might
deserve them to be a certain way, and it might be really really
unfair and really really wrongthat they're not that way.
However, the reality is thereality.
So sometimes you just have tobe accepting of the reality, and
(09:23):
when you accept that, you willfind it a lot easier.
Because if you go into thatrelationship, you choose how
much you give, and you oftenchoose that based on how much
you get back or how safe youfeel.
You choose how much you give,you choose how much you expect,
you remove or reduce yourexpectations to be realistic,
and then if that person meetsany expectations at all, that
(09:46):
can be a great thing, right?
Whereas if you've got thesehigh expectations and they never
, ever meet them, all you'redoing is you're doing this
constant loop where you'regetting proof that they're no
good, or proof that not justthey're no good, but maybe it's
proof that you're no good, thatyou're not worthy, right?
So it's really, when we do thissort of stuff, sometimes we're
actually, sometimes we're reallyharming ourselves by doing this
(10:09):
stuff right, because we putourselves in this constant
feedback loop where we havethese high expectations this is
how they should be, they'renever going to make that.
They're never going to makethat, so they don't, they can't,
whatever.
They inevitably disappoint you.
And then you've got proof thatyou're not good enough or
they're not good enough, orwhatever.
The story is that you're tellingyourself and then we just go
round and round in circles andalways feeling wounded and
(10:32):
always feeling like you're in adrama, and always feeling sad
and torn and upset and it's notfair and hard done by and all of
those things.
So at a certain time in life,we need to learn to understand
the people in our lives, and ifthe people in your life are not
supplying you what you feel likeyou need, then you do need to
examine well, what does thatlook like?
(10:53):
Am I in with the wrong person,in the wrong marriage with?
You know the wrong situation?
Should I be with someone else,or am I expecting something of
that person that they can't do?
Can I get that thing somewhereelse?
Or can I do that for myself?
Right, but what we do is wejust get caught in these
situations where we just playout the same stuff over and over
(11:13):
and over and over again and allit does is damage your
relationship and damageourselves and damage our
relationship with ourselves.
So there's a certain levelwhere you have to accept what
things are, and the same thinghappens in marriages.
Sometimes in marriages, we getto a point where we realize that
our marriage, that there'scertain things that you won't
(11:37):
get from that relationship, andyou either have to decide that
that's okay and fulfill that,whatever that is in a different
way for yourself, or that's notokay, and that's your choice as
well.
It's all a choice, but it'sjust being realistic about what
is so.
(11:57):
I'm not saying that you run fromevery situation that doesn't
provide everything you need.
All I'm saying is, if you feellike you're being disappointed
all around, maybe look at whatstandards you're holding
everyone to.
Are those standards realistic?
What standards are you holdingyourself to as well?
Maybe they're unrealistic.
So you know, what are youexpecting the world to do for
you?
And are you expecting the worldto prop you up and make you
(12:17):
okay?
Because I know there are somepeople that you know, if someone
doesn't ring me by a certaintime, they don't love me, they
don't care.
Oh man, don't set yourself upfor that.
You're going to be havingdramas all the time because
someone gets busy and they don'tlove me, they don't care.
Oh man, don't set yourself upfor that.
You're going to be havingdramas all the time because
someone gets busy and they don'tring you.
So if your whole ability to beokay is dependent on only if
that person says this thing ordoes this thing or whatever,
(12:43):
your capacity, your physical andmental health has to come from
you, and it's great to have thesupport and it's great to have
from you, and it's great to havethe support and it's great to
have people's love and it'sgreat to have people's care and
all of those things.
But if you need them to surviveand you cannot do it without
any of them and if one of thosepeople doesn't show up one day
(13:03):
or isn't well, or doesn't giveyou the right answer, or doesn't
well or doesn't give you theright answer, or doesn't phone
you back or whatever.
If that happens and you fallapart, you haven't built your
capacity and it's your job, it'sour job as individuals to
develop and grow our owncapacity, and sometimes that
means getting therapy or findinga good friend that you can talk
(13:24):
to or whatever it looks like.
And sometimes it looks likehaving realistic looks at the
relationships that we're in,looking at the expectations we
have for ourselves becausesometimes we have very
unrealistic expectations forourselves as well, the
expectations we have on othersand what we think they should
bring to our life and reallyexamining that and kind of going
, am I being for real?
(13:45):
Really, am I being for real?
Is this legitimately true thatthis person should fulfill this
and I won't be okay if theydon't?
Am I asking something of themthat they just can't give?
And if I need that person to doX before I can feel okay, am I
(14:08):
putting too much pressure onthat person?
And again, it's when we placeour ability to be happy and
functional outside of ourselves.
We're always going to be at thewhims of everyone outside of
ourselves.
If we can't make it be okayourselves and we need other
(14:30):
people to constantly affirm us,then it's a problem and that's
actually an issue that comes upwith them.
I've mentioned it before but,like, when there's like people
talk about safe spaces andthings like that, it's actually
an issue with that as well.
That it's like okay if I canonly be okay if people affirm me
, if people use my right pronoun, or if people say the right
(14:53):
things, or if I'm in a groupthat everyone agrees with me or
whatever, or if I'm in a safespace where I'm not challenged.
That's not capacity building.
As people in this planet, asadults, we need to learn.
As children, as, over time, weneed to learn how to capacity
build, and capacity buildingmeans being okay with being
uncomfortable, being okay withhaving people have different
(15:15):
opinions to you, being okay thatyou can be okay whether or not
people affirm you or not.
You don't have to get a wholebunch of people tell you that
you're wonderful online or agreewith you online to be okay.
So you can, as a human being,just be okay within yourself and
build that capacity.
(15:36):
Focus on that and if you'refinding that you need to run
from places because you'refeeling hurty feelings because
someone has a different opinionor they don't say the right
words to you, consider how muchexpectation you're putting on
people and situations outside ofyourself to make you okay and
(16:00):
how much you should reallyactually be doing from the
inside to make you okay and howmuch you should really actually
be doing from the inside to makeyourself okay.
It's actually an inside job, itreally is.
So being okay is about capacitybuilding.
Capacity building means learninghow to be uncomfortable,
learning how to have difficultconversations, pushing yourself
outside of your comfort zone,making yourself go for job
interviews and go and have youknow.
(16:21):
Go and talk to that girl orthat boy or that person name it
with a friend if something'suncomfortable or something's not
working out.
Talk to your partner, yourhusband, whoever it is about,
whatever's going on.
Go and talk to your boss aboutan issue you're having.
Be okay if you feel you know ifyou don't like someone or if
someone doesn't like you, sothat's okay.
(16:42):
You don't like everyone either,so maybe someone doesn't like
you, that's okay.
That's fine.
Just be okay with the fact thatnot everyone's going to like
you, because not everyone likeseveryone, right?
But this is what capacitybuilding is about, and having
good mental health isn't aboutwhether or not you can run and
hide from all of those things orwhether or not you can get
enough people to affirm you thatyou can feel okay about
(17:03):
yourself as actually being justokay with yourself.
Right, when you're okay withyourself, you don't need all of
that.
So, getting back to therelationship with parents or
whoever it is, unfortunately youmight deserve better.
It might be really unfair.
Better you might you know, andit might be really unfair really
(17:25):
really unfair that you didn'tget what you needed.
However, if you just play outover and over and over again
this person owes me this and ifthey don't behave this way or
act this way or do this thing,that I'm going to be constantly
devastated, you're going to setyourself up for a lifetime of
just devastation and drama andjust being miserable.
So, at some level, we have toaccept people for who they are.
(17:47):
We have to acknowledge whopeople are and who they are in
our lives and what roles theyplay, and sometimes we have to
adjust that.
So the role might be what wemight want is the parent that
we're really close to, that'sreally supportive, that gives us
unconditional love and doeseverything we need.
But we might want is the parentthat we're really close to,
that's really supportive, thatgives us unconditional love and
does everything we need.
But we might have a parent thatwe check in with once a month
who is more caught up in theirown life.
(18:10):
That just might be the realityof the parent you have.
So you need to find a goodfriend or a close a partner or
someone else who is the personwho you know gives you more of
maybe what you might have hadfrom a parent, because you're
just not going to get it fromthat parent.
Obviously Now it might be wrong, it might be sad, it might be
hard, it might make you angry,all the things.
(18:31):
That's fine, but it is what itis, and a big part of life is
learning how to be with andaccept what is and then readjust
your expectations.
So you might deserve that froma partner, you might deserve
that from a parent, you mightdeserve certain things, but
you're just not getting themfrom those places.
So maybe you have to find otherways to fulfill your needs and
(18:55):
get the things that you need inyour life and not constantly
expect to get things and notsaying, of course, that you
can't ask for what you need.
So sometimes we don't get whatwe need because we don't ask for
it.
So, of course, ask for what youneed and all of that sort of
stuff, but ultimately it's alsoaccepting.
(19:16):
There's a certain point whenyou accept that you just you
know who people are, you knowtheir limitations, and when you
understand their limitations,then you adjust your
expectations accordingly.
That makes a lot less drama inyour life, a lot less drama in
their life, and it helps youjust go off and go and do other
(19:37):
things and find what you needelsewhere and not waste your
time there as well.
So a lot less drama in yourlife if you can learn how to
accept people as they are andaccept yourself as you are as
well Doesn't mean that you orother people can't grow, but
it's also just having a generalacceptance that people are who
they are, and the best thing Ican do is adjust my expectations
(19:57):
around that rather than havehigh drama constantly because
people are all around me are notmeeting my needs.
So anyway, I hope you found ituseful.
That's something I found reallyuseful in my life and I hope
that's helpful for you.
Please don't forget to like,subscribe, share, comment, all
of that sort of stuff.
And right now, right now, ifyou found this really, really
(20:17):
useful, please, right now hitshare and share it with someone
you love or care about orsomeone that you think that will
benefit from this episode.
I really want more people tolearn about this podcast so I
can afford to keep doing it.
And anyway, thank you again.
This is where the wellnessconnection, where I have real
conversations about things thatmatter, and I will talk to you
(20:38):
all again next week.
Thank you, bye-bye.
Hello and welcome to the Wellness Connection Podcast
.
I'm your host, Fiona Kane.
Today I'm furthering mydiscussion about relationships.
I've talked about them in a fewdifferent episodes and today,
probably one of therelationships specifically I'm
going to be talking about wouldbe a relationship with a parent.
But this could actuallytranslate to other kind of
relationships as well.
(00:23):
One thing I often see and I'veseen it in my own life and seen
it when I talk to clients is Isee people who have strained
relationships with people,particularly with their parents,
and one thing I see quitecommonly is that sometimes we
have unrealistic expectations ofthat person in our life, and so
(00:46):
what happens is they keepdisappointing us over and over
and over again.
And the truth is that all of ushuman beings, we're flawed.
We're all a bit of a sum ofwhat's come before, what's led
up to now, and sometimes that'sbeen good and sometimes not so
good.
Some people have hadchallenging lives and have had
(01:10):
no role models for how to parent, no role models for how to have
a healthy relationship.
They haven't learned how tomanage their emotions, they
haven't learned how to managetheir mental health.
They haven't learned how to be,you know, functional, like
emotionally functional humanbeing right, and so some people
just haven't got many of thoseskills, or we haven't got all of
(01:33):
them, or most of us haven't gotall of those skills right.
So we're all in a differentplace there, where we've got a
certain level of capacity right,and some people have way less
capacity not saying that theycouldn't build that capacity,
but they haven't built it.
So we've all ordered Englishspeak, fiona speak.
We're all at a different levelof capacity and we've all built
(01:56):
a different level of capacity inour lives, and so some of us at
this moment in time have morecapacity than others, and
essentially that is the truth ofit.
So when you are dealing with,say, for example, a relationship
with a parent, sometimes whathappens is the truth is, as a
child, you deserve to be lovedunconditionally by your parents
(02:22):
and you deserve to have a greatlife where your parents give you
love and support and all of thethings that you need to grow up
and be a functional,well-adjusted adult.
Right, we all deserve that.
We should get that.
It's only right that we getthat.
But the truth is, in the realworld, many people don't get
(02:43):
that or they get differentvariations of that, and so it is
normal to feel hurt, to feelsad, to feel angry, to feel
whatever the emotion is, to feellike you've missed out when you
didn't get that and you'restruggling with life and trying
to figure it out and you feellike you didn't even get the
(03:05):
basic building blocks for how tomanage life right.
So it is okay to feel that way,and it could be normal if you
haven't had that support thatyou needed as a child.
So that is fair enough, that isokay.
I would suggest, though, that ifyou're really struggling with
(03:25):
that, to see a counsellor ortherapist or someone and get
support around that, becausesometimes we do need support
around that, and we do need totalk about how disappointed we
are or how devastated we are orhow sad we are or whatever.
The emotion is that we didn'tget what we needed, because many
children just don't get whatthey need, and that is a
(03:47):
terrible thing for them and thatcan be really challenging.
So that is a truth, but thething is that we think about it
for ourselves, but we forgetabout it for our parents.
So you didn't get what youneeded from your parents, but
maybe they didn't get what theyneeded either, so they just
didn't have it to give becausethey didn't get it right.
And ultimately, what we need todo to build an adult
(04:11):
relationship with our parents iswe need to meet them where they
are, and that is just thereality of it.
So what I mean by that is youknow, sometimes you've got to
work out all of your anger andall those things.
You do that with your therapistor your best friend or whoever
you do that with, and sometimesyou can talk about that with
(04:37):
your parents.
Sometimes people have healingwhen they can talk to their
parents about different issues.
But sometimes you can't.
Sometimes that's just they'renot.
They don't have the capacityfor it.
They can't do it.
They can't be the person thathelps you through your mental
health issue that you havearound them not being a good
enough parent, right?
Sometimes you're not going toget the apology that you want,
you're not going to get theacknowledgement that you want.
(04:59):
Sometimes you're not going toget any of that.
So we do have to go looking forthat, maybe in other places
where we will get it, which willbe support through a therapist
or something like that.
To have an ongoing relationshipwith a parent.
We need to, or anyone.
We need to meet them where theyare.
So if you know that your parentisn't up for going over the past
(05:22):
and talking about what happenedand they're not going to
apologize to you and they're notgoing to do any of that sort of
stuff with you, you have tojust decide that you're okay
with that and you don't needthat from them, because you
don't necessarily need that fromthem.
You can go and do that in otherplaces.
You don't need your parent tofor you to grow and heal.
You don't need your parent todo that.
(05:43):
You can do that separately fromthem, right?
They don't have to do it.
So you can, all right.
But they just might not want toor feel like they're able to or
be able to, and there's acertain level of you know we
have to kind of accept that withour parents that we can't make
them do or other people, whoeverthey are, make them do what we
(06:10):
feel that they should be doing.
So you have to learn to meetpeople where they're at, and
that means dropping yourexpectations of what you feel
like that they should do for you.
So if you feel like they shouldalways show up for you and they
should always do this, theyshould always do that and they
need to provide this sort ofsupport and this sort of love
for you.
Like you might be valid in yourassumption that that's what
parents should do, but that doesnot mean your parent is going
(06:31):
to do that.
They just might not do that.
It might be because they'reselfish, might be because
they're horrible people, mightbe just because they don't know
how to do it.
They don't have the capacityfor it.
But whatever the reason is,they're going to do what they're
going to do, like people whoare who they are.
And yes, sometimes people havegrowth and they grow spiritually
(06:53):
, emotionally and all thosethings, and that's great when
that happens and that can happenand it does happen.
But sometimes people don't haveany of that.
They just they are who they areand they're always going to be
that and at some level we haveto learn how to accept that
that's just who they are.
You can then decide what levelof relationship you want to have
(07:13):
with them.
But it's like don't setyourself up over and over again
to be disappointed.
So if you know that person'snot going to show up, don't
constantly arrange to meet themand then be sitting there kind
of going oh, I knew it, I knewit, I knew it, and then be
devastated every time they don'tshow up right.
Or don't expect them to do yourtherapy, speak with you and
(07:35):
help you with your therapy stuffand your mental health.
If they're not going to do that, they're not going to do that
right.
Or don't expect them to be theperson for you that gives you
that unconditional love.
Maybe they can't do that, butyou might get that from someone
else, but you're not going toget that from your father or
your mother or whoever it is.
But what we do often is we kindof have in our mind who we think
(07:56):
our parents should be and whatthat role they should play, and
then we constantly get woundedbecause they don't do that thing
and that's just damagingyourself over and over again.
It's like going up and smackingyour head against a wall over
and over again.
Right, simply put, they will dowhatever their capacity is or
(08:16):
whatever they want to, and youhave no control over that.
And if your happiness, yourmental health, your physical
health, your happiness isreliant on them doing something
or being something, that is avery precarious place because
you can only be okay if they door say or be whatever.
(08:38):
That's not healthy for anyonein your life, right?
So if you need someone in yourlife to do or say or be
something so you can be okay,you've got to have a look at
your capacity and maybe buildyour mental health capacity
around being okay, regardless ofif those people do say or be
(08:58):
what you want them to be.
So you might want them to be acertain way and you might
deserve them to be a certain way, and it might be really really
unfair and really really wrongthat they're not that way.
However, the reality is thereality.
So sometimes you just have tobe accepting of the reality, and
(09:23):
when you accept that, you willfind it a lot easier.
Because if you go into thatrelationship, you choose how
much you give, and you oftenchoose that based on how much
you get back or how safe youfeel.
You choose how much you give,you choose how much you expect,
you remove or reduce yourexpectations to be realistic,
and then if that person meetsany expectations at all, that
(09:46):
can be a great thing, right?
Whereas if you've got thesehigh expectations and they never
, ever meet them, all you'redoing is you're doing this
constant loop where you'regetting proof that they're no
good, or proof that not justthey're no good, but maybe it's
proof that you're no good, thatyou're not worthy, right?
So it's really, when we do thissort of stuff, sometimes we're
actually, sometimes we're reallyharming ourselves by doing this
(10:09):
stuff right, because we putourselves in this constant
feedback loop where we havethese high expectations this is
how they should be, they'renever going to make that.
They're never going to makethat, so they don't, they can't,
whatever.
They inevitably disappoint you.
And then you've got proof thatyou're not good enough or
they're not good enough, orwhatever.
The story is that you're tellingyourself and then we just go
round and round in circles andalways feeling wounded and
(10:32):
always feeling like you're in adrama, and always feeling sad
and torn and upset and it's notfair and hard done by and all of
those things.
So at a certain time in life,we need to learn to understand
the people in our lives, and ifthe people in your life are not
supplying you what you feel likeyou need, then you do need to
examine well, what does thatlook like?
(10:53):
Am I in with the wrong person,in the wrong marriage with?
You know the wrong situation?
Should I be with someone else,or am I expecting something of
that person that they can't do?
Can I get that thing somewhereelse?
Or can I do that for myself?
Right, but what we do is wejust get caught in these
situations where we just playout the same stuff over and over
(11:13):
and over and over again and allit does is damage your
relationship and damageourselves and damage our
relationship with ourselves.
So there's a certain levelwhere you have to accept what
things are, and the same thinghappens in marriages.
Sometimes in marriages, we getto a point where we realize that
our marriage, that there'scertain things that you won't
(11:37):
get from that relationship, andyou either have to decide that
that's okay and fulfill that,whatever that is in a different
way for yourself, or that's notokay, and that's your choice as
well.
It's all a choice, but it'sjust being realistic about what
is so.
(11:57):
I'm not saying that you run fromevery situation that doesn't
provide everything you need.
All I'm saying is, if you feellike you're being disappointed
all around, maybe look at whatstandards you're holding
everyone to.
Are those standards realistic?
What standards are you holdingyourself to as well?
Maybe they're unrealistic.
So you know, what are youexpecting the world to do for
you?
And are you expecting the worldto prop you up and make you
(12:17):
okay?
Because I know there are somepeople that you know, if someone
doesn't ring me by a certaintime, they don't love me, they
don't care.
Oh man, don't set yourself upfor that.
You're going to be havingdramas all the time because
someone gets busy and they don'tlove me, they don't care.
Oh man, don't set yourself upfor that.
You're going to be havingdramas all the time because
someone gets busy and they don'tring you.
So if your whole ability to beokay is dependent on only if
that person says this thing ordoes this thing or whatever,
(12:43):
your capacity, your physical andmental health has to come from
you, and it's great to have thesupport and it's great to have
from you, and it's great to havethe support and it's great to
have people's love and it'sgreat to have people's care and
all of those things.
But if you need them to surviveand you cannot do it without
any of them and if one of thosepeople doesn't show up one day
(13:03):
or isn't well, or doesn't giveyou the right answer, or doesn't
well or doesn't give you theright answer, or doesn't phone
you back or whatever.
If that happens and you fallapart, you haven't built your
capacity and it's your job, it'sour job as individuals to
develop and grow our owncapacity, and sometimes that
means getting therapy or findinga good friend that you can talk
(13:24):
to or whatever it looks like.
And sometimes it looks likehaving realistic looks at the
relationships that we're in,looking at the expectations we
have for ourselves becausesometimes we have very
unrealistic expectations forourselves as well, the
expectations we have on othersand what we think they should
bring to our life and reallyexamining that and kind of going
, am I being for real?
(13:45):
Really, am I being for real?
Is this legitimately true thatthis person should fulfill this
and I won't be okay if theydon't?
Am I asking something of themthat they just can't give?
And if I need that person to doX before I can feel okay, am I
(14:08):
putting too much pressure onthat person?
And again, it's when we placeour ability to be happy and
functional outside of ourselves.
We're always going to be at thewhims of everyone outside of
ourselves.
If we can't make it be okayourselves and we need other
(14:30):
people to constantly affirm us,then it's a problem and that's
actually an issue that comes upwith them.
I've mentioned it before but,like, when there's like people
talk about safe spaces andthings like that, it's actually
an issue with that as well.
That it's like okay if I canonly be okay if people affirm me
, if people use my right pronoun, or if people say the right
(14:53):
things, or if I'm in a groupthat everyone agrees with me or
whatever, or if I'm in a safespace where I'm not challenged.
That's not capacity building.
As people in this planet, asadults, we need to learn.
As children, as, over time, weneed to learn how to capacity
build, and capacity buildingmeans being okay with being
uncomfortable, being okay withhaving people have different
(15:15):
opinions to you, being okay thatyou can be okay whether or not
people affirm you or not.
You don't have to get a wholebunch of people tell you that
you're wonderful online or agreewith you online to be okay.
So you can, as a human being,just be okay within yourself and
build that capacity.
(15:36):
Focus on that and if you'refinding that you need to run
from places because you'refeeling hurty feelings because
someone has a different opinionor they don't say the right
words to you, consider how muchexpectation you're putting on
people and situations outside ofyourself to make you okay and
(16:00):
how much you should reallyactually be doing from the
inside to make you okay and howmuch you should really actually
be doing from the inside to makeyourself okay.
It's actually an inside job, itreally is.
So being okay is about capacitybuilding.
Capacity building means learninghow to be uncomfortable,
learning how to have difficultconversations, pushing yourself
outside of your comfort zone,making yourself go for job
interviews and go and have youknow.
(16:21):
Go and talk to that girl orthat boy or that person name it
with a friend if something'suncomfortable or something's not
working out.
Talk to your partner, yourhusband, whoever it is about,
whatever's going on.
Go and talk to your boss aboutan issue you're having.
Be okay if you feel you know ifyou don't like someone or if
someone doesn't like you, sothat's okay.
(16:42):
You don't like everyone either,so maybe someone doesn't like
you, that's okay.
That's fine.
Just be okay with the fact thatnot everyone's going to like
you, because not everyone likeseveryone, right?
But this is what capacitybuilding is about, and having
good mental health isn't aboutwhether or not you can run and
hide from all of those things orwhether or not you can get
enough people to affirm you thatyou can feel okay about
(17:03):
yourself as actually being justokay with yourself.
Right, when you're okay withyourself, you don't need all of
that.
So, getting back to therelationship with parents or
whoever it is, unfortunately youmight deserve better.
It might be really unfair.
Better you might you know, andit might be really unfair really
(17:25):
really unfair that you didn'tget what you needed.
However, if you just play outover and over and over again
this person owes me this and ifthey don't behave this way or
act this way or do this thing,that I'm going to be constantly
devastated, you're going to setyourself up for a lifetime of
just devastation and drama andjust being miserable.
So, at some level, we have toaccept people for who they are.
(17:47):
We have to acknowledge whopeople are and who they are in
our lives and what roles theyplay, and sometimes we have to
adjust that.
So the role might be what wemight want is the parent that
we're really close to, that'sreally supportive, that gives us
unconditional love and doeseverything we need.
But we might want is the parentthat we're really close to,
that's really supportive, thatgives us unconditional love and
does everything we need.
But we might have a parent thatwe check in with once a month
who is more caught up in theirown life.
(18:10):
That just might be the realityof the parent you have.
So you need to find a goodfriend or a close a partner or
someone else who is the personwho you know gives you more of
maybe what you might have hadfrom a parent, because you're
just not going to get it fromthat parent.
Obviously Now it might be wrong, it might be sad, it might be
hard, it might make you angry,all the things.
(18:31):
That's fine, but it is what itis, and a big part of life is
learning how to be with andaccept what is and then readjust
your expectations.
So you might deserve that froma partner, you might deserve
that from a parent, you mightdeserve certain things, but
you're just not getting themfrom those places.
So maybe you have to find otherways to fulfill your needs and
(18:55):
get the things that you need inyour life and not constantly
expect to get things and notsaying, of course, that you
can't ask for what you need.
So sometimes we don't get whatwe need because we don't ask for
it.
So, of course, ask for what youneed and all of that sort of
stuff, but ultimately it's alsoaccepting.
(19:16):
There's a certain point whenyou accept that you just you
know who people are, you knowtheir limitations, and when you
understand their limitations,then you adjust your
expectations accordingly.
That makes a lot less drama inyour life, a lot less drama in
their life, and it helps youjust go off and go and do other
(19:37):
things and find what you needelsewhere and not waste your
time there as well.
So a lot less drama in yourlife if you can learn how to
accept people as they are andaccept yourself as you are as
well Doesn't mean that you orother people can't grow, but
it's also just having a generalacceptance that people are who
they are, and the best thing Ican do is adjust my expectations
(19:57):
around that rather than havehigh drama constantly because
people are all around me are notmeeting my needs.
So anyway, I hope you found ituseful.
That's something I found reallyuseful in my life and I hope
that's helpful for you.
Please don't forget to like,subscribe, share, comment, all
of that sort of stuff.
And right now, right now, ifyou found this really, really
(20:17):
useful, please, right now hitshare and share it with someone
you love or care about orsomeone that you think that will
benefit from this episode.
I really want more people tolearn about this podcast so I
can afford to keep doing it.
And anyway, thank you again.
This is where the wellnessconnection, where I have real
conversations about things thatmatter, and I will talk to you
(20:38):
all again next week.
Thank you, bye-bye.
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