October 21, 2025 • 21 mins
In this episode of The Wellness Connection Podcast, Fiona Kane talks about the powerful difference between telling people what they want to hear and telling the truth that helps them grow.
Inspired by a quote from Thomas Sowell, Fiona shares why honesty, even when uncomfortable, is essential for real growth, emotional health, and authentic relationships. She explains how kind truth-telling can transform connections, improve self-awareness, and lead to lasting change.
You’ll learn:
- Why facing reality is the first step to personal growth
- How honesty builds stronger relationships
- The difference between supporting and enabling someone
- Why truth is one of the greatest acts of kindness
If you’re working on being more authentic, improving your relationships, or learning to accept yourself with compassion, this episode will inspire you to choose truth over comfort.
Outro: Music by Musinova from Pixabay
Learn more about booking a nutrition consultation with Fiona: https://informedhealth.com.au/
Learn more about Fiona's speaking and media services: https://fionakane.com.au/
Sign up to receive our newsletter by clicking here.
Instagram
Facebook
LinkedIn
Credit for the music used in this podcast:
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Fiona Kane (00:00):
Hello and welcome to the Wellness Connection
podcast.
I'm your host, Fiona Kane.
Today I'm going to revisit atopic I have talked about
before, and it's in regards tothe difference between uh
telling people what they want tohear and actually being helpful
to someone.
So I'm going to quote ThomasSowell here, and he says, When
you want to help people, youtell them the truth.
(00:23):
When you want to help yourself,you tell them what they want to
hear.
And that is so true.
And I see more and more in thisworld we like to indulge in
people's fantasy or tell people,like I said, what they want to
hear.
And that's not always helpful.
And I think that reality isreally, really important and
(00:45):
we're losing touch with it inthis world.
Now, like all things, there'sthere's lines and there's grey
areas.
For example, if someone's goingfor a job that's really hard to
get and it's going to take themyears to do and figure it out
and whatever, but they're reallykeen, they're working hard,
well then that's great, right?
(01:06):
Why would you you wouldn't tellthe person they're delusional,
you'd just say, yeah, it's goingto be hard, but well done.
And you'd you know, you'd pushthem on, right?
Uh if someone wanted to dosomething, you know, like I've I
think I've used the examplebefore, a couple of examples
with me.
I'll use me as the example.
Okay, if I said that I wantedto be a fighter pilot when I was
younger, or well, now there'sno chance, but even when I was
(01:27):
younger, I never had the righthealth for it.
I never had the right capacityfor maths and physics and things
like that.
That's just not realistic forme.
It might be realistic for otherwomen, but not me, right?
If someone said, you know, if Isaid that I wanted to be a
basketballer just over five foottall and no sports skills,
(01:48):
that's not going to happen,right?
So there are situations wheresomeone's being completely
delusional and that's not goingto happen.
And, you know, you can kindlyhelp them sway to something
else.
But there are situations where,you know, I know examples of
when I was in high school, in myhigh school, they were really
uh they've had very lowexpectations of you, you know.
(02:10):
So I know someone who said theywanted to be a doctor and they
said, Oh, maybe you shouldbecome a nurse.
And that person did become adoctor, by the way.
Uh, so you know, I think thatit's worth know, you know,
supporting people and theirdreams and goals.
And if people are reallywilling to work hard for
something, understand it's hard,but willing to go for it.
That you don't have to pull theball out fr from under those
(02:31):
people or be rude or horrible tothose people.
I'm talking more about peoplewho are really delusional, where
that just that thing they'retalking about is something
that's not possible.
And you know, that's and thatcovers lots of things.
And it's uh going back to sortof some of what I talked about
in in previous episodes, but itcould be something like, you
(02:53):
know, someone who thinks thatthey were born in the wrong body
and they think that they're manthat thinks he should be a
woman or the other way around.
Now they can choose to dresshow they like and be how they
want to be.
That's absolutely fine.
But they can't actually be theother sex, no matter how many
surgeries, how many hormones,whatever, you cannot actually
change your sex.
(03:14):
So it's it's it doesn't helpsomeone to support that
delusion.
But if they're comfortabledressing in a different way and
calling themselves somethingdifferent, or whatever it is,
look, that's fine.
You you know, you be you be youand you do what is feels right
for you.
But if I actually said that,you know, you could have or do
all these changes and then you'dsuddenly be the other sex and
(03:34):
everything will be fine and youwould be okay.
All of the pre-existing mentalhealth issues that got you where
you were would go away andyou'd be happy and you actually
would be the other sex.
That's lying to you.
That's absolutely lying to you.
Because there's usually a wholebunch of uh other issues going
on for those people, and alsoyou cannot actually be the other
sex no matter what you do.
(03:56):
So I could say, yeah, okay, ifyou're more comfortable dressing
this way or being this way,whatever, you do what's do what
works for you, but beingcompletely in the delusion and
saying, oh yes, you are theother sex, or yes, you can be,
all that's actually doing ishelping the person disown and
hate on their own body.
So I think that um beingaccepting is actually, you know,
(04:16):
and affirming is actuallyhelping someone live comfortably
in the body that they were bornin.
Uh that is affirming, right?
So I think uh the idea ofaffirming someone in a delusion
in that way is not helpful, butaffirming them in that they were
born in the right body and intime they could learn to live
with it and be okay with it isum is actually a really positive
thing.
But then we see it in adifferent way around when we're
(04:38):
talking about things like uhpeople who uh people who are
killing themselves with theirweight issues.
Now, I look I've talked aboutthis before.
Many times I've had and stillhave weight issues and have had
my whole life.
So I'm not claiming to be, oh,I'm so perfect, and anyone who
(04:58):
puts on weight is bad.
None of that, not at all.
And there is health at manydifferent sizes, not at every
size, but at many differentsizes.
However, if you are someone oryou know someone who is really,
really their their weight iskilling them and their and their
choices that they make are notsupporting them, they're making
it worse, then it would bedelusional to say, oh, that
(05:22):
you're absolutely fine as youare.
You can say you're you're adecent human being because your
worth worth your worthiness as ahuman being is not related to
your weight.
So all the things you couldsay, the person might be
beautiful, or there might be abeautiful person inside, and
then you know, they might bepretty or good looking or or
talented or all sorts of things,right?
(05:44):
But they also might be killingthemselves uh with food.
And uh so pretending thatthat's not happening, or telling
them that that's okay and andthat they're still healthy and
they're not killing themselves.
That's not that's delusional,that's not helping them.
It would be the same as sayingto someone who was starving
themselves to death that that'sa good thing and they're
(06:05):
beautiful as they are, you know,uh perfect as they are, they
might be beautiful, but perfectas they are, they don't need to
change anything, and um, theyshould just continue to stop
eating, right?
So it's the same goes at bothends.
If people are doing somethingthat's harming their body and
and damaging themselves, sowhether it be taking hormones
(06:26):
that weren't made for theirbody, or whether it be eating
way too much or eating notenough, or taking drugs or or
being addicted to alcohol orwhatever it is, all of those
things are harmful.
And so I'm not saying that wego around and be cruel to people
or go around and accost peoplethat we don't know, or go out of
our way to be nasty or any ofthat, not at all.
(06:47):
I think that we always shouldbe kind and compassionate, and
also mind our own business whereit's not our business because
you know, sometimes it's justnot your business.
However, if you're inrelationships with people,
loving or caring relationshipsand friendships, then that is
where it's just, you know,supporting someone in their
delusion is not helpful.
So, like I said, you know,there's a difference between
(07:09):
just being actively cruel andjudgmental and um and
undermining someone when they'rereally trying to go for
something and trying to dosomething that might be really
hard and might be unlikely, butgood on them.
There's a difference betweendifference between that and
actually supporting someonecompletely in their delusion,
because the truth is that lifeisn't fair and we don't all get
exactly what we want.
(07:30):
It doesn't mean we can't havesomething else, but we don't
necessarily get the thing thatwe wanted, and we do have a
level of reality that we need tobe in and and understand.
And I've talked about thisbefore as well, but the if you
want to get well, if you want toget better from whatever it is
that's going on for you, whetherit be a health issue or a
mental health issue or a weightissue or a you know, up or down,
(07:54):
whatever it is, or relationshipissue, whatever issues you've
got going on, uh, it doesn't getbetter if you don't understand
where your starting point is orwhat reality is.
So understanding your startingpoint isn't necessarily
accepting.
So accepting where you areright now doesn't mean accepting
that that's how it will alwaysbe.
(08:14):
Uh, but sometimes people thinkthat if they if they don't
acknowledge and don't accept thereality right now, then it's
not true and they won't have to,and it's just not true.
We actually do need to, you youcan't make it better if you
don't know what you're makingbetter, right?
So if if you don't know whereyou're what your starting point
is, then you can't measure whatbetter looks like.
(08:36):
And if you're not acknowledgingwhat choices you're making to
keep you where you are, thenyou're not in reality.
And if you're not in reality,then you can't make it better,
right?
You can't make something betterwhen you don't have an
awareness of what it is, whereyou're not honest about what it
is, you're not willing to reallytake a good look at the
situation and make some make achange.
(08:58):
So accepting where you are nowisn't accepting that forevermore
you'll be in this situation,but it is accepting the reality
of right now.
Then from there, that's whenyou can start looking at, okay,
now I understand the realitythat I'm in, now I can move
forward.
And you know, another exampleof this that I've talked about
(09:19):
before is finances.
And sometimes we need to lookat our finances, and we kind of
don't want to, and we don't wantto accept it, and it's
uncomfortable, and it's hardhaving those conversations with
our partner, all those things.
Absolutely true.
However, if you don't, it justcontinues to get worse.
So it that doesn't justsuddenly resolve itself.
So to get better, you actuallyhave to accept where you are,
(09:41):
and you might need to get with alot of along with a lot of
other things I've talked about,you might need to get
professional help.
Uh, I certainly did a few yearsago.
My husband and I realized thatour financial situation wasn't
great for the retirement that wewere hoping to have.
So, what did we do?
We told the truth, we've wetold each other that things
weren't going well and that youknow we were drowning.
(10:01):
And we got uh a financialplanner to support us and give
us a plan, and we werecompletely honest with that
person so that person could helpus because that person cannot
help us if we're not telling thetruth.
So a lot of life that a lot ofwhat a lot of starting points in
life start from just beingreally honest and telling the
truth.
(10:21):
So it might be honest andtelling the truth, like me
telling myself that I'm notparticularly gifted at maths or
I'm not particularly gifted froma height point of view or an
athletic point of view orwhatever the other things that
my limitations are.
Okay, I've got a whole bunch oflimitations.
I know what they are, but Ialso have gifts and things that
I'm really good at and I knowwhat they are as well.
So it's it's not about mewinching and complaining about
(10:44):
what I can't do, it's about meharnessing the things I can.
There needs to be a certainlevel of reality for me to be
able to do that, right?
If I'm not in reality, if Ithink that I'm gonna be the next
Michael Jordan, that's a bit ofout of bit of an out-of-date
reference, but whatever,basketball player, or I'm gonna
be a fighter pilot, or whateverelse it is, it's just not, you
know, I'm gonna be a catwalkmodel, not gonna happen, right?
(11:07):
And so it is okay to be, youknow, based in reality, but
reality doesn't mean you can'tchange something.
Reality doesn't mean talkingyourself down or or being
negative, it just means start inreality and then build from
there.
So the reality is if you wantto have a career in X, Y, Z,
well, the starting point iswherever the starting point is.
(11:28):
What does that look like?
Does that look like yourstarting point is going to be,
you know, uh an apprentice?
Is your starting point going tocollege or TAFE or university
or whatever?
Is your starting point justgoing out and getting the first
job you can get within thatindustry?
I don't I don't know what itis, but there's always a
starting point with everything.
So the reality is you don'tstart as the managing director,
(11:49):
you don't start as the big shot,you start as something lesser
lesser down the totem pole, sortof thing.
And it's the same witheverything in life where you
know occasionally you read aboutsituations where people just
get their break and suddenlythey go from I don't know there
are stories of people going frombeing seen on the street to
being a catwalk model andearning millions of dollars,
those things happen, but theydon't happen to most people, and
(12:10):
the reality is we have to dealwith what's in front of us,
right?
So uh I would just say that itis it is not kind to lie to
people or to support them intheir delusion, it does not mean
we must be cruel or judgmentalor put our two cents in where
it's actually not welcome or notasked for.
(12:32):
So it's just it's about knowingthe right time and the right
place to have theseconversations.
But if someone is talking toyou about these things and
asking for your advice andasking for your support, then
supporting them in a delusion isnot helping them.
And it is kinder and moreloving to tell someone the
truth.
Kindly tell them the truth,gently tell them the truth if
(12:55):
you need to, sometimes morefirmly.
But it is kinder to be truthfulwith someone because they can't
get do better in their life.
You know, it's the same as itmight be a situation where
you've got a friend who has lotsof relationship issues, and of
course, all relationship issues,there's two sides of it,
there's two parts of it, all ofthat.
But this friend might be havingthe same thing happen over and
over again, and you might haveidentified that the problem is
(13:17):
more with the friend than theother people because they're
just having the same situationhappen over and over again
because that friend hasn'tlearned about personal
boundaries or about thinkingabout how the other person
feels, or just how to havebetter conversations, or you
know, how to negotiate things,or they haven't examined you
know who what sort of personthey are and what their needs
(13:39):
and wants are and what they'reprepared to give in a
relationship.
They might be, you know,there's a lot of delusional
people these days who put outtheir lists online of all of the
things they want in a partnerwithout once thinking about what
they're gonna give.
It's like, oh yeah, I I justwant this and I want that and I
want this, and I expect it tobe, you know, guys gonna be, you
know, what is it, six packs,six foot, six figures, this,
(14:00):
that, and the other, all thesethings that they demand of a
partner.
But then when you when theywhen these people get asked,
well, okay, so what are yougonna give to the relationship?
They're like, oh, I didn't theydidn't think about that, right?
So, you know, um, it's not ifif you if that person's your
friend, it's helpful to tellthem the truth.
And again, that doesn't meanbeing cruel or judgmental or
(14:21):
saying that you're better thanthem, none of that, just saying,
hey, hey, you I noticed thatyou're having the same problem
over and over again.
Maybe we need to look at adifferent way of looking at
things and like you can't changeother people, but you can
improve yourself and look atwhat you're getting wrong and
what you're getting right andyou know, do better.
So that is a kind thing to sayto your friend, rather than you
(14:42):
are perfect exactly as you are,and they're missing out from
with you know from having you,if it's not true.
So uh it's and it comes back tothat um definition of insanity,
which is uh the Einstein quote,the definition of insanity is
doing the same thing over andover and expecting a different
result.
Well, that's what we do topeople, I think, when we don't
(15:02):
tell them the truth.
Because when we don't tell themthe truth, they often get stuck
in this round and roundsituation.
And when we don't tell peoplethe truth, if we stay in our
echo chambers, we don't learn,we don't have the opportunity to
grow, we don't have theopportunity.
You know, I've talked aboutbefore capacity building and our
capacity building for ourmental health, for our for our
(15:23):
physical health, for ourcareers, for our life, for
relationships, all of that.
The capacity building actuallycomes from being in the world,
doing the things, having a go,missing out on things, learning
how to lose, learning how towin, learning how to negotiate,
all those things in life, andthose things all require a
certain level of truth tellingand a certain level of having a
(15:46):
mirror held up for us or holdinga mirror up occasionally and
looking in at ourselves andexploring where we're going
wrong, where we're going right,and how we could improve things.
All of that requires the truth.
It all comes back down to thetruth, right?
The other thing I've noticedhow often I say right to it's
(16:07):
funny when you see yourself onvideo, you realize these um
patterns that you have.
I apologize for that.
I'm attempting to not say thatall of the time, but yeah, it
can be really challenging.
You don't realize how much youuse certain language until you
see yourself or hear yourself onvideo.
The other thing though I wantedto talk about in regards to
(16:30):
this is the reality of whatwe're doing, and I've just been
sort of touching on it justthere.
The reality of what we aredoing to the outcomes we're
having in our life, whatever'sgoing on for us right now,
whatever the outcomes we'rehaving or the situation we're
in, taking a responsibility forbeing in it.
(16:51):
So so often we're kind of like,oh, this happened to me and
that happened to me, and thisperson's fault, and that
person's fault, and it's notfair, and whatever.
And while I'm not saying that alot of those things, maybe all
of those things are actuallytrue.
However, doesn't help you moveforward, does not help you move
(17:11):
forward.
So really, we need to acceptreality in situations and go,
okay, definition of insanity,doing the same thing over and
over, expecting a differentresult.
So what could I do that'sdifferent?
Again, it's telling ourselvesthe truth.
The truth makes a difference,the truth matters.
(17:33):
So being really honest withourselves, okay.
Well, the reason I don't thinkI've achieved this thing is X,
Y, or Z.
Or maybe you don't know, butyou just know that you need to
do something different.
Sometimes we don't know theanswer to something, but we know
we need to do somethingdifferent, and so we do
something different, andsometimes just doing one thing
(17:54):
different, there's a shift thathappens, and that shift is
enough to clear the way, andthen we know what to do next,
and then we're kind of clearerabout what our next step is.
However, to do that, we have tobe in reality.
So if you're one of thosepeople that says, Oh, I don't
know why I'm putting on weightor this or that, and because I
(18:15):
don't eat any of those things.
And I've seen those peoplewhere, you know, like I'm at
least honest about it.
If I'm putting on weight oroverweight, I can tell you the
things that I'm doing thataren't helpful.
I can also tell you the thingsI'm doing that I'm doing that
that I'm doing well.
I can tell you both, but I canbe honest about it.
But sometimes people say, ohno, I don't do that, and then
(18:35):
but they're eating their thingtwo or three times a day, and
you think, well, you are doingthat.
So to be honest with yourself,and you know, and I keep harping
back to the weight thing, andI'm very aware that having
weight issues can be lots ofdifferent reasons.
I've explored it in differentways throughout this podcast.
So I'm not saying it's simplyabout it's only about what you
eat, there's no other issues,all that sort of stuff.
(18:56):
I've talked about that stuffbefore, but just saying that if
we're if we're complaining aboutbeing in a situation, it's
useful for us to own the part ofit that we might be
contributing to.
If there is a part of it we'recontributing to, which more
often than not there is, even ifit's only part of it.
It could be that you're eatingreally well but you're not
managing your stress very well,or it could be that you're
(19:16):
eating really well but you'renot sleeping very well.
So there's this other aspectsto this, right?
But we need to understand we weneed to look at it and be
honest about it.
Um, honesty is really the bestpolicy in most situations.
So um, you know, for just forhealth, well-being, for mental
health, it really, really isimportant that you know, we
(19:40):
appropriately and in the rightsituations tell people the
truth.
Uh, not like I said, not peoplethat don't want to talk to you
at all or haven't asked for youropinion.
But uh, you know, I I reallytruly believe getting back to
Thomas Sowell's quote that youknow, when you want to help
people, you tell them the truth.
When you want to help yourself,you tell them what they want to
(20:02):
hear, you know, like whatpoliticians do.
Okay.
So if you want to be well, ifyou want to think things in your
life to change or improve, tellyourself the truth.
Tell other people the truth.
But just honesty is a greatpolicy.
Uh that I'm not talking aboutwithout compassion or kindness,
but honesty is a really, reallyimportant part of achieving what
(20:24):
we want to in our lives.
If we're not honest about whowe are, what part we have in a
situation, what we bring to thetable, what we don't bring to
the table, what our strengthsare, what our weaknesses are,
and you know, whether or notwe're actually being delusional,
uh, you know, denial's not justa reverent Egypt, that old
saying.
Many of us, you know, we allhave times in our life where
(20:46):
we're in denial or people aroundus are in denial, and
supporting people in thosedelusions just does not help
them.
So, anyway, I would like tohear your perspective on this.
I'm happy for you torespectfully give your feedback
and uh please like, subscribe,share, and all of those things
and rate and review the podcastand um tell your friends about
(21:07):
it.
Uh, you know, click right now,share and send this episode with
someone uh if you think thatthat they might get value from
it.
And I hope you have a greatweek.
Uh, this is a podcast where Ilike to have real conversations
about things that matter.
See ya.
Hello and welcome to the Wellness Connection
podcast.
I'm your host, Fiona Kane.
Today I'm going to revisit atopic I have talked about
before, and it's in regards tothe difference between uh
telling people what they want tohear and actually being helpful
to someone.
So I'm going to quote ThomasSowell here, and he says, When
you want to help people, youtell them the truth.
(00:23):
When you want to help yourself,you tell them what they want to
hear.
And that is so true.
And I see more and more in thisworld we like to indulge in
people's fantasy or tell people,like I said, what they want to
hear.
And that's not always helpful.
And I think that reality isreally, really important and
(00:45):
we're losing touch with it inthis world.
Now, like all things, there'sthere's lines and there's grey
areas.
For example, if someone's goingfor a job that's really hard to
get and it's going to take themyears to do and figure it out
and whatever, but they're reallykeen, they're working hard,
well then that's great, right?
(01:06):
Why would you you wouldn't tellthe person they're delusional,
you'd just say, yeah, it's goingto be hard, but well done.
And you'd you know, you'd pushthem on, right?
Uh if someone wanted to dosomething, you know, like I've I
think I've used the examplebefore, a couple of examples
with me.
I'll use me as the example.
Okay, if I said that I wantedto be a fighter pilot when I was
younger, or well, now there'sno chance, but even when I was
(01:27):
younger, I never had the righthealth for it.
I never had the right capacityfor maths and physics and things
like that.
That's just not realistic forme.
It might be realistic for otherwomen, but not me, right?
If someone said, you know, if Isaid that I wanted to be a
basketballer just over five foottall and no sports skills,
(01:48):
that's not going to happen,right?
So there are situations wheresomeone's being completely
delusional and that's not goingto happen.
And, you know, you can kindlyhelp them sway to something
else.
But there are situations where,you know, I know examples of
when I was in high school, in myhigh school, they were really
uh they've had very lowexpectations of you, you know.
(02:10):
So I know someone who said theywanted to be a doctor and they
said, Oh, maybe you shouldbecome a nurse.
And that person did become adoctor, by the way.
Uh, so you know, I think thatit's worth know, you know,
supporting people and theirdreams and goals.
And if people are reallywilling to work hard for
something, understand it's hard,but willing to go for it.
That you don't have to pull theball out fr from under those
(02:31):
people or be rude or horrible tothose people.
I'm talking more about peoplewho are really delusional, where
that just that thing they'retalking about is something
that's not possible.
And you know, that's and thatcovers lots of things.
And it's uh going back to sortof some of what I talked about
in in previous episodes, but itcould be something like, you
(02:53):
know, someone who thinks thatthey were born in the wrong body
and they think that they're manthat thinks he should be a
woman or the other way around.
Now they can choose to dresshow they like and be how they
want to be.
That's absolutely fine.
But they can't actually be theother sex, no matter how many
surgeries, how many hormones,whatever, you cannot actually
change your sex.
(03:14):
So it's it's it doesn't helpsomeone to support that
delusion.
But if they're comfortabledressing in a different way and
calling themselves somethingdifferent, or whatever it is,
look, that's fine.
You you know, you be you be youand you do what is feels right
for you.
But if I actually said that,you know, you could have or do
all these changes and then you'dsuddenly be the other sex and
(03:34):
everything will be fine and youwould be okay.
All of the pre-existing mentalhealth issues that got you where
you were would go away andyou'd be happy and you actually
would be the other sex.
That's lying to you.
That's absolutely lying to you.
Because there's usually a wholebunch of uh other issues going
on for those people, and alsoyou cannot actually be the other
sex no matter what you do.
(03:56):
So I could say, yeah, okay, ifyou're more comfortable dressing
this way or being this way,whatever, you do what's do what
works for you, but beingcompletely in the delusion and
saying, oh yes, you are theother sex, or yes, you can be,
all that's actually doing ishelping the person disown and
hate on their own body.
So I think that um beingaccepting is actually, you know,
(04:16):
and affirming is actuallyhelping someone live comfortably
in the body that they were bornin.
Uh that is affirming, right?
So I think uh the idea ofaffirming someone in a delusion
in that way is not helpful, butaffirming them in that they were
born in the right body and intime they could learn to live
with it and be okay with it isum is actually a really positive
thing.
But then we see it in adifferent way around when we're
(04:38):
talking about things like uhpeople who uh people who are
killing themselves with theirweight issues.
Now, I look I've talked aboutthis before.
Many times I've had and stillhave weight issues and have had
my whole life.
So I'm not claiming to be, oh,I'm so perfect, and anyone who
(04:58):
puts on weight is bad.
None of that, not at all.
And there is health at manydifferent sizes, not at every
size, but at many differentsizes.
However, if you are someone oryou know someone who is really,
really their their weight iskilling them and their and their
choices that they make are notsupporting them, they're making
it worse, then it would bedelusional to say, oh, that
(05:22):
you're absolutely fine as youare.
You can say you're you're adecent human being because your
worth worth your worthiness as ahuman being is not related to
your weight.
So all the things you couldsay, the person might be
beautiful, or there might be abeautiful person inside, and
then you know, they might bepretty or good looking or or
talented or all sorts of things,right?
(05:44):
But they also might be killingthemselves uh with food.
And uh so pretending thatthat's not happening, or telling
them that that's okay and andthat they're still healthy and
they're not killing themselves.
That's not that's delusional,that's not helping them.
It would be the same as sayingto someone who was starving
themselves to death that that'sa good thing and they're
(06:05):
beautiful as they are, you know,uh perfect as they are, they
might be beautiful, but perfectas they are, they don't need to
change anything, and um, theyshould just continue to stop
eating, right?
So it's the same goes at bothends.
If people are doing somethingthat's harming their body and
and damaging themselves, sowhether it be taking hormones
(06:26):
that weren't made for theirbody, or whether it be eating
way too much or eating notenough, or taking drugs or or
being addicted to alcohol orwhatever it is, all of those
things are harmful.
And so I'm not saying that wego around and be cruel to people
or go around and accost peoplethat we don't know, or go out of
our way to be nasty or any ofthat, not at all.
(06:47):
I think that we always shouldbe kind and compassionate, and
also mind our own business whereit's not our business because
you know, sometimes it's justnot your business.
However, if you're inrelationships with people,
loving or caring relationshipsand friendships, then that is
where it's just, you know,supporting someone in their
delusion is not helpful.
So, like I said, you know,there's a difference between
(07:09):
just being actively cruel andjudgmental and um and
undermining someone when they'rereally trying to go for
something and trying to dosomething that might be really
hard and might be unlikely, butgood on them.
There's a difference betweendifference between that and
actually supporting someonecompletely in their delusion,
because the truth is that lifeisn't fair and we don't all get
exactly what we want.
(07:30):
It doesn't mean we can't havesomething else, but we don't
necessarily get the thing thatwe wanted, and we do have a
level of reality that we need tobe in and and understand.
And I've talked about thisbefore as well, but the if you
want to get well, if you want toget better from whatever it is
that's going on for you, whetherit be a health issue or a
mental health issue or a weightissue or a you know, up or down,
(07:54):
whatever it is, or relationshipissue, whatever issues you've
got going on, uh, it doesn't getbetter if you don't understand
where your starting point is orwhat reality is.
So understanding your startingpoint isn't necessarily
accepting.
So accepting where you areright now doesn't mean accepting
that that's how it will alwaysbe.
(08:14):
Uh, but sometimes people thinkthat if they if they don't
acknowledge and don't accept thereality right now, then it's
not true and they won't have to,and it's just not true.
We actually do need to, you youcan't make it better if you
don't know what you're makingbetter, right?
So if if you don't know whereyou're what your starting point
is, then you can't measure whatbetter looks like.
(08:36):
And if you're not acknowledgingwhat choices you're making to
keep you where you are, thenyou're not in reality.
And if you're not in reality,then you can't make it better,
right?
You can't make something betterwhen you don't have an
awareness of what it is, whereyou're not honest about what it
is, you're not willing to reallytake a good look at the
situation and make some make achange.
(08:58):
So accepting where you are nowisn't accepting that forevermore
you'll be in this situation,but it is accepting the reality
of right now.
Then from there, that's whenyou can start looking at, okay,
now I understand the realitythat I'm in, now I can move
forward.
And you know, another exampleof this that I've talked about
(09:19):
before is finances.
And sometimes we need to lookat our finances, and we kind of
don't want to, and we don't wantto accept it, and it's
uncomfortable, and it's hardhaving those conversations with
our partner, all those things.
Absolutely true.
However, if you don't, it justcontinues to get worse.
So it that doesn't justsuddenly resolve itself.
So to get better, you actuallyhave to accept where you are,
(09:41):
and you might need to get with alot of along with a lot of
other things I've talked about,you might need to get
professional help.
Uh, I certainly did a few yearsago.
My husband and I realized thatour financial situation wasn't
great for the retirement that wewere hoping to have.
So, what did we do?
We told the truth, we've wetold each other that things
weren't going well and that youknow we were drowning.
(10:01):
And we got uh a financialplanner to support us and give
us a plan, and we werecompletely honest with that
person so that person could helpus because that person cannot
help us if we're not telling thetruth.
So a lot of life that a lot ofwhat a lot of starting points in
life start from just beingreally honest and telling the
truth.
(10:21):
So it might be honest andtelling the truth, like me
telling myself that I'm notparticularly gifted at maths or
I'm not particularly gifted froma height point of view or an
athletic point of view orwhatever the other things that
my limitations are.
Okay, I've got a whole bunch oflimitations.
I know what they are, but Ialso have gifts and things that
I'm really good at and I knowwhat they are as well.
So it's it's not about mewinching and complaining about
(10:44):
what I can't do, it's about meharnessing the things I can.
There needs to be a certainlevel of reality for me to be
able to do that, right?
If I'm not in reality, if Ithink that I'm gonna be the next
Michael Jordan, that's a bit ofout of bit of an out-of-date
reference, but whatever,basketball player, or I'm gonna
be a fighter pilot, or whateverelse it is, it's just not, you
know, I'm gonna be a catwalkmodel, not gonna happen, right?
(11:07):
And so it is okay to be, youknow, based in reality, but
reality doesn't mean you can'tchange something.
Reality doesn't mean talkingyourself down or or being
negative, it just means start inreality and then build from
there.
So the reality is if you wantto have a career in X, Y, Z,
well, the starting point iswherever the starting point is.
(11:28):
What does that look like?
Does that look like yourstarting point is going to be,
you know, uh an apprentice?
Is your starting point going tocollege or TAFE or university
or whatever?
Is your starting point justgoing out and getting the first
job you can get within thatindustry?
I don't I don't know what itis, but there's always a
starting point with everything.
So the reality is you don'tstart as the managing director,
(11:49):
you don't start as the big shot,you start as something lesser
lesser down the totem pole, sortof thing.
And it's the same witheverything in life where you
know occasionally you read aboutsituations where people just
get their break and suddenlythey go from I don't know there
are stories of people going frombeing seen on the street to
being a catwalk model andearning millions of dollars,
those things happen, but theydon't happen to most people, and
(12:10):
the reality is we have to dealwith what's in front of us,
right?
So uh I would just say that itis it is not kind to lie to
people or to support them intheir delusion, it does not mean
we must be cruel or judgmentalor put our two cents in where
it's actually not welcome or notasked for.
(12:32):
So it's just it's about knowingthe right time and the right
place to have theseconversations.
But if someone is talking toyou about these things and
asking for your advice andasking for your support, then
supporting them in a delusion isnot helping them.
And it is kinder and moreloving to tell someone the
truth.
Kindly tell them the truth,gently tell them the truth if
(12:55):
you need to, sometimes morefirmly.
But it is kinder to be truthfulwith someone because they can't
get do better in their life.
You know, it's the same as itmight be a situation where
you've got a friend who has lotsof relationship issues, and of
course, all relationship issues,there's two sides of it,
there's two parts of it, all ofthat.
But this friend might be havingthe same thing happen over and
over again, and you might haveidentified that the problem is
(13:17):
more with the friend than theother people because they're
just having the same situationhappen over and over again
because that friend hasn'tlearned about personal
boundaries or about thinkingabout how the other person
feels, or just how to havebetter conversations, or you
know, how to negotiate things,or they haven't examined you
know who what sort of personthey are and what their needs
(13:39):
and wants are and what they'reprepared to give in a
relationship.
They might be, you know,there's a lot of delusional
people these days who put outtheir lists online of all of the
things they want in a partnerwithout once thinking about what
they're gonna give.
It's like, oh yeah, I I justwant this and I want that and I
want this, and I expect it tobe, you know, guys gonna be, you
know, what is it, six packs,six foot, six figures, this,
(14:00):
that, and the other, all thesethings that they demand of a
partner.
But then when you when theywhen these people get asked,
well, okay, so what are yougonna give to the relationship?
They're like, oh, I didn't theydidn't think about that, right?
So, you know, um, it's not ifif you if that person's your
friend, it's helpful to tellthem the truth.
And again, that doesn't meanbeing cruel or judgmental or
(14:21):
saying that you're better thanthem, none of that, just saying,
hey, hey, you I noticed thatyou're having the same problem
over and over again.
Maybe we need to look at adifferent way of looking at
things and like you can't changeother people, but you can
improve yourself and look atwhat you're getting wrong and
what you're getting right andyou know, do better.
So that is a kind thing to sayto your friend, rather than you
(14:42):
are perfect exactly as you are,and they're missing out from
with you know from having you,if it's not true.
So uh it's and it comes back tothat um definition of insanity,
which is uh the Einstein quote,the definition of insanity is
doing the same thing over andover and expecting a different
result.
Well, that's what we do topeople, I think, when we don't
(15:02):
tell them the truth.
Because when we don't tell themthe truth, they often get stuck
in this round and roundsituation.
And when we don't tell peoplethe truth, if we stay in our
echo chambers, we don't learn,we don't have the opportunity to
grow, we don't have theopportunity.
You know, I've talked aboutbefore capacity building and our
capacity building for ourmental health, for our for our
(15:23):
physical health, for ourcareers, for our life, for
relationships, all of that.
The capacity building actuallycomes from being in the world,
doing the things, having a go,missing out on things, learning
how to lose, learning how towin, learning how to negotiate,
all those things in life, andthose things all require a
certain level of truth tellingand a certain level of having a
(15:46):
mirror held up for us or holdinga mirror up occasionally and
looking in at ourselves andexploring where we're going
wrong, where we're going right,and how we could improve things.
All of that requires the truth.
It all comes back down to thetruth, right?
The other thing I've noticedhow often I say right to it's
(16:07):
funny when you see yourself onvideo, you realize these um
patterns that you have.
I apologize for that.
I'm attempting to not say thatall of the time, but yeah, it
can be really challenging.
You don't realize how much youuse certain language until you
see yourself or hear yourself onvideo.
The other thing though I wantedto talk about in regards to
(16:30):
this is the reality of whatwe're doing, and I've just been
sort of touching on it justthere.
The reality of what we aredoing to the outcomes we're
having in our life, whatever'sgoing on for us right now,
whatever the outcomes we'rehaving or the situation we're
in, taking a responsibility forbeing in it.
(16:51):
So so often we're kind of like,oh, this happened to me and
that happened to me, and thisperson's fault, and that
person's fault, and it's notfair, and whatever.
And while I'm not saying that alot of those things, maybe all
of those things are actuallytrue.
However, doesn't help you moveforward, does not help you move
(17:11):
forward.
So really, we need to acceptreality in situations and go,
okay, definition of insanity,doing the same thing over and
over, expecting a differentresult.
So what could I do that'sdifferent?
Again, it's telling ourselvesthe truth.
The truth makes a difference,the truth matters.
(17:33):
So being really honest withourselves, okay.
Well, the reason I don't thinkI've achieved this thing is X,
Y, or Z.
Or maybe you don't know, butyou just know that you need to
do something different.
Sometimes we don't know theanswer to something, but we know
we need to do somethingdifferent, and so we do
something different, andsometimes just doing one thing
(17:54):
different, there's a shift thathappens, and that shift is
enough to clear the way, andthen we know what to do next,
and then we're kind of clearerabout what our next step is.
However, to do that, we have tobe in reality.
So if you're one of thosepeople that says, Oh, I don't
know why I'm putting on weightor this or that, and because I
(18:15):
don't eat any of those things.
And I've seen those peoplewhere, you know, like I'm at
least honest about it.
If I'm putting on weight oroverweight, I can tell you the
things that I'm doing thataren't helpful.
I can also tell you the thingsI'm doing that I'm doing that
that I'm doing well.
I can tell you both, but I canbe honest about it.
But sometimes people say, ohno, I don't do that, and then
(18:35):
but they're eating their thingtwo or three times a day, and
you think, well, you are doingthat.
So to be honest with yourself,and you know, and I keep harping
back to the weight thing, andI'm very aware that having
weight issues can be lots ofdifferent reasons.
I've explored it in differentways throughout this podcast.
So I'm not saying it's simplyabout it's only about what you
eat, there's no other issues,all that sort of stuff.
(18:56):
I've talked about that stuffbefore, but just saying that if
we're if we're complaining aboutbeing in a situation, it's
useful for us to own the part ofit that we might be
contributing to.
If there is a part of it we'recontributing to, which more
often than not there is, even ifit's only part of it.
It could be that you're eatingreally well but you're not
managing your stress very well,or it could be that you're
(19:16):
eating really well but you'renot sleeping very well.
So there's this other aspectsto this, right?
But we need to understand we weneed to look at it and be
honest about it.
Um, honesty is really the bestpolicy in most situations.
So um, you know, for just forhealth, well-being, for mental
health, it really, really isimportant that you know, we
(19:40):
appropriately and in the rightsituations tell people the
truth.
Uh, not like I said, not peoplethat don't want to talk to you
at all or haven't asked for youropinion.
But uh, you know, I I reallytruly believe getting back to
Thomas Sowell's quote that youknow, when you want to help
people, you tell them the truth.
When you want to help yourself,you tell them what they want to
(20:02):
hear, you know, like whatpoliticians do.
Okay.
So if you want to be well, ifyou want to think things in your
life to change or improve, tellyourself the truth.
Tell other people the truth.
But just honesty is a greatpolicy.
Uh that I'm not talking aboutwithout compassion or kindness,
but honesty is a really, reallyimportant part of achieving what
(20:24):
we want to in our lives.
If we're not honest about whowe are, what part we have in a
situation, what we bring to thetable, what we don't bring to
the table, what our strengthsare, what our weaknesses are,
and you know, whether or notwe're actually being delusional,
uh, you know, denial's not justa reverent Egypt, that old
saying.
Many of us, you know, we allhave times in our life where
(20:46):
we're in denial or people aroundus are in denial, and
supporting people in thosedelusions just does not help
them.
So, anyway, I would like tohear your perspective on this.
I'm happy for you torespectfully give your feedback
and uh please like, subscribe,share, and all of those things
and rate and review the podcastand um tell your friends about
(21:07):
it.
Uh, you know, click right now,share and send this episode with
someone uh if you think thatthat they might get value from
it.
And I hope you have a greatweek.
Uh, this is a podcast where Ilike to have real conversations
about things that matter.
See ya.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Ruthie's Table 4
For more than 30 years The River Cafe in London, has been the home-from-home of artists, architects, designers, actors, collectors, writers, activists, and politicians. Michael Caine, Glenn Close, JJ Abrams, Steve McQueen, Victoria and David Beckham, and Lily Allen, are just some of the people who love to call The River Cafe home. On River Cafe Table 4, Rogers sits down with her customers—who have become friends—to talk about food memories. Table 4 explores how food impacts every aspect of our lives. “Foods is politics, food is cultural, food is how you express love, food is about your heritage, it defines who you and who you want to be,” says Rogers. Each week, Rogers invites her guest to reminisce about family suppers and first dates, what they cook, how they eat when performing, the restaurants they choose, and what food they seek when they need comfort. And to punctuate each episode of Table 4, guests such as Ralph Fiennes, Emily Blunt, and Alfonso Cuarón, read their favourite recipe from one of the best-selling River Cafe cookbooks. Table 4 itself, is situated near The River Cafe’s open kitchen, close to the bright pink wood-fired oven and next to the glossy yellow pass, where Ruthie oversees the restaurant. You are invited to take a seat at this intimate table and join the conversation. For more information, recipes, and ingredients, go to https://shoptherivercafe.co.uk/ Web: https://rivercafe.co.uk/ Instagram: www.instagram.com/therivercafelondon/ Facebook: https://en-gb.facebook.com/therivercafelondon/ For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iheartradio app, apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.