February 20, 2024 • 46 mins
For all things Whole Parent: https://stan.store/wholeparent
Email questions to podcast@wholeparentacademy.com
Join Whole Parent as we redefine the very essence of discipline in parenting, not as a tool for punishment, but as an opportunity for teaching and growth. Our latest episode unveils a profound connection between 'discipline' and 'disciple,' urging us to embrace our role as educators in our children's lives, guiding them with wisdom rather than ruling with fear. We tackle the challenges and victories faced at family mealtimes, sharing insights into how rituals like meal preparations and shared stories can strengthen bonds and foster positive behaviors.
Let's admit it, parenting can feel like navigating an intricate dance, especially when your five-year-old prefers somersaults over sitting still at the dinner table. We empathize with parents and offer actionable solutions that balance a child's need for autonomy with the harmony of family routines. Moreover, our conversation illuminates the power of collaborative parenting, inviting our children into the heart of discipline to cultivate respect and a sense of responsibility. Through understanding, not dictation, we can transform chores from battlegrounds into collaborative opportunities, supporting our children's unique needs and contributions to the family dynamic.
In this episode, the art of patience and the value of waiting for a calm moment to discuss consequences are championed as keys to effective teaching moments. We make a case for discipline that fosters connection rather than fear, and we encourage you to submit your burning questions for future discussions. As we peel back the layers of traditional parenting myths, we invite you to join us in cultivating a nurturing space where discipline means growth, communication is paramount, and every challenge is a stepping stone to deeper family connections.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Discipline actually comes from the same root as
disciple.
This is a word that oftenpeople use in religious contexts
, but basically the relationshipbetween a teacher and a
disciple is the disciple is thestudent.
It's the same.
It's a Greek word that justmeans student.
So when we think aboutdiscipline, what we really need
to be thinking about is the factthat we are the teachers and
(00:22):
our children are the students.
So when we're disciplining, ourprimary goal at all times is to
teach, not to correct, not tocondition, but to teach.
It's a brand new day.
Wake up every morning and sayit's a brand new day.
(00:44):
Hello and welcome to anotherepisode of the Poll-Hair Podcast
.
My name is John.
I am the host of this podcast,which is all about helping you
to raise resilient kids withconfidence.
We cover everything fromneuroscience to development.
Today, we're talking aboutdiscipline and, yeah, it's just
designed this podcast designedto help you to parent in the
(01:06):
most effective and best waypossible, and so I don't want to
waste any of your time.
I know that you are a very busyparent, most likely just like
me, and so let's just jump rightin.
The way this podcast isstructured is that we get real
questions from parents just likeyou, who are in the trenches of
parenting, figuring out how toraise kids, trying to do it
(01:27):
better than was done for them,although many of us had great
parents.
Not to say that, it's just tosay that, hey, we are in a
different time, we're in adifferent era.
We know more now than we knewback in the 80s and 90s and so,
because of that, we're alltrying to do better, and so the
format is we get real questionsfrom real parents, like you, and
we organize those questionsaround a given topic.
(01:49):
Today, we're talking aboutdiscipline and boundaries, which
is a massive topic.
We're probably going to havemultiple episodes on the topic
of discipline and boundaries.
These are just the three thatwe got this time around, and we
delve into these questions.
We give each one about 10minutes and then, yeah, that's
the podcast.
So that's what you have toexpect if you're first brand new
(02:10):
to the podcast.
If you are brand new, I reallyencourage you just to sit back
and listen, to absorb, tocontemplate the things that
we're talking about and if youreally, really love it
afterwards, make sure that yousubscribe and read a review and
do all those positive things tohelp this message get to all the
parents that have not heard ityet.
All right, so our first questiontoday comes from Mark.
(02:32):
He is a dad to a five year oldnamed Tyler.
He says recently we've beenthrough a tough time during meal
times.
Tyler absolutely refuses to sitat the table and if we try to
insist he throws tantrums thatcan last for what feels like
forever.
We're feeling overwhelmed andunsure of how to handle this
situation without meal timesbecoming a daily battle.
(02:54):
This is such such a goodquestion, mark.
I totally get where you'recoming from.
Many of us were raised inenvironments where family meals
may have been prioritized, butfamily meals may not have been
specifically for kids.
Right?
We know that there's reallygood data out there that says
(03:14):
eating with your kids at leastfive times a week and I'm not
saying that that has to be, youknow, five dinner times.
That's not what the datasuggests.
Just five meals a week that youeat with your kids can have
really really amazing attachmentand discipline and connection
related outcomes that kids whoeat with their families five
times a week whether that'sbreakfast or lunch or dinner or
(03:37):
whatever really feel moreconnected to those families.
So, with all the positiveoutcomes related to meal times.
It can often feel like we haveto do this in this way,
especially when many of us wereraised that meal times were a
specific way.
They looked like this Everybodyhad their seat.
This is the type of thing thatwe talked about, that type of
thing.
But I think that we can actuallydo things that are that can
(04:01):
really really contribute,especially for a five year old
who probably is going throughsome autonomy, discerning
behaviors, right.
So when they're five, this issomething that I talk about all
the time.
But when kids are five and theystart school, a lot of times
they will really start to pushback on our boundaries, and this
is they're basically asking thequestion through their
(04:22):
behaviors.
They're asking the question hey, now that I am not as close to
you as I once was, now that I amout on my own going to school,
these things, are you stillgoing to be there for me?
And so that can look a lot ofdifferent ways for different
kids.
It can be baby talk, it can berejecting, you know, kind of
fundamental parts of, of of orroutines that we do, things like
(04:43):
meal times.
It can look a lot of differentways.
And so the number one tip thatI have in the midst of this is
to maintain a level ofconsistent connection with your
kid.
And so, kind of paradoxically,in this case, one of the ways,
as I just kind of highlightedthat the research says that we
connect with our kids is througheating, with meals with them.
But in this case, the mealseems to be one of the places of
(05:07):
autonomy seeking behaviors anddisconnection, and it could be
because we're placing importanceon it, right.
So, mark, if you're a personwho, who was raised were meals
were this kind of I'm not goingto say formal, that's maybe the
wrong word but but this reallyimportant aspect of your family
life and and and for good reason, as we've kind of highlighted,
it can often feel like we haveto make our kids participate in
(05:30):
that way.
And then our kids feel that andthey go wow, this seems to be
really important for mom and dad.
This is a place where I cankind of double down and and the
autonomy seeking behaviors cancome out.
So, the more emphasis and and weput on something, the more
exaggerated our reaction to anygiven thing, the more likely our
kid is going to press on thatwound of ours to try and see
(05:55):
what will happen when they doright.
They're just learning anddeveloping as well.
And so here here are my kind ofthree aspects to this.
The first is at five years old,we can have a conversation
where we set some pretty clearexpectations right Now.
I want to be very open here andsay that the expectation that a
five year old sit at a tableespecially a five year old who's
(06:17):
likely in school, who's sittingall day already for, for, for
or for much of the day this istrue for seven year olds too the
the expectation that we justare going to force them to sit
in a table quietly for 40minutes to an hour is a pretty
unrealistic expectation, I think, for many kids.
Not for some kids maybe it'sokay, but for many kids that can
(06:37):
be really really challenging.
And so we can set clearexpectations.
Let's just make sure that thoseexpectations are in line with
their developmental capacity,and many people try and
determine developmental capacitybased on, like, what they were
able to do at that age right.
So, like when I was five, I hadto sit at the table for an hour
.
So therefore you have to sit atthe table for an hour.
That's not a good way to setexpectations.
(06:59):
The better way to set clear andconsistent expectations is to
basically sit down with your kidat a meal and determine okay,
what's the attention span tostay here, and maybe it's only
15 minutes and that's okay.
Right, like that's that is.
We're going to talk about someways that we can extend that in
a moment, but whatever thebaseline is, let's start from
(07:22):
there and let's build somepositive rapport with our kids
of hey, how can we, how can weessentially grow together by
building confidence around mealtimes.
So how can we grow by doing itfor 15 minutes and then saying,
okay, yeah, you're free to go,and maybe me and mom are going
to still sit here, and itdoesn't mean that your meal has
to be over.
It just might mean that theirtime is.
(07:43):
And this is a clear expectationof boundary for my seven year
old, his attention span is at atable.
He's probably ADHD, but his hisattention span to set at a
table is pretty low.
His attention span to sit ingeneral is pretty low.
We love this about him.
This is an amazing trait.
It also provides somechallenges with things like meal
times, and so he oftentimesmaybe 20 minutes once he's kind
(08:07):
of done talking and done,enjoying the conversation.
And I'm not saying that you haveto only have kid conversations
during that time.
You can also have adultconversations.
Just make sure that you're nottalking over your kid, right?
You're not talking over theirhead or over their developmental
level or specifically like justlouder than them so that you
can have this conversation.
In fact, it can be okay to letyour kid go once they've kind of
(08:28):
exhausted their attention andthen have those conversations.
But you know, whatever that is20 minutes for us, he will go
off and play, but there is anexpectation that we're not
necessarily going to go off andplay with him at that point.
We're we're still eating andwe're still going to have our
time to sit, and so there can bekind of varying degrees.
You don't have to sit, but weare going to sit right.
(08:48):
So setting clear and consistentexpectations of what that looks
like and then also understandingthat when he does a good job of
sitting and engaging in theconversation, you don't have to
lavish praise, but you can use alittle bit of positive
reinforcement of just sayinglike, hey, it's so fun to sit
here together, isn't it?
You know, I think sometimes wereally demonize praise because
(09:10):
we want kids to be internallymotivated and I think that
there's a lot of wisdom to that.
But it's also a pendulum swingof if our kid is not seeing that
we are feeling good aboutwhat's happening and they're
only getting our disappointmentwhen our disappointment.
Please don't try to tell yourkid you're disappointed with
them, but they're only seeingour kind of negative reactions
when things don't go well.
(09:30):
That can create unnecessaryhostility as well.
So so that's what I would sayas far as the clear expectations
piece.
The other two things that youcan do that I think are really
really important.
Number one you can makemealtime just more positive in
general for kids.
So this is where I've kind ofalready mentioned this.
But you can really try and tellstories that are descriptive.
(09:54):
If you're going to be talkingabout something about your day,
you know, just tell the story ina way that a five year old can
understand, even if you'rereally talking to your partner.
Tell that story in a way thatyour five year old can
participate in some way.
Discuss fun topics that includethe interests of your five year
old.
Oftentimes parents don't takeinterest.
I'm not saying you don't mark,but just in general Parents
(10:17):
struggle to take interest in thethings that their kids are
interested in, whether that'sMinecraft or whatever Pokemon or
whatever.
Your kid is into Hot Wheels,whatever.
And when we fail to takeinterest in what they're
interested in, mealtimes canfeel like a real chore because
now we're just kind of talkingabout grown-up things and we're
not really interested in whatyou have to contribute.
(10:37):
And this is also an awesometime to do something like an
affirmation or a gratitudecircle where you kind of go
around the table and say what'ssomething you're grateful for,
or you can say your highs andlows for the days.
Any of these things thatreflect on the narrative of your
child's day, that allows themto reflect on the narrative of
their day, has the secondarybeneficial outcome of having
(11:01):
your child practice thenarrativizing of their day and
of their life, of their memories.
And what we know now is thatnarrativizing, creating a
narrative out of yourexperiences, is one of the great
resiliency tools that wedevelop into adulthood.
So that can have that secondarything.
(11:21):
And then my other side of thisnot only making the mealtime fun
, but make meal prep fun.
Kids are way more likely to sitat a table and be interested in
the conversation in the food ifthey are in some way
contributing to the process ofgetting there and this is not
just hey, go set the table right.
This is how can they beinvolved?
(11:42):
Can they pick between we'remaking stir fry?
Can they pick between thevegetables that we're going to
put in?
Hey, we're going to put thisone in, this one in.
But we want to know, do we,should we put a yellow pepper in
, or red pepper, or are we goingto put asparagus in this or are
we going to leave it out?
You know a lot of that, thosesmall choices that a kid can
make, and they can really feelgood about those choices.
And they can also help withthings.
(12:02):
That, five years old especially, they can start to do some of
the meal prep stuff.
I have taught five year old howto use knives kitchen knives, I
mean safely.
Obviously we're going to, we'regoing to make sure that it's
that they are responsible andthat they can be trusted,
because those could be prettydamaging.
My wife cut herself pretty badwith a knife a little while back
while cooking.
But stirring something, whatever, at five years old you can
(12:25):
really do.
They can really help out with alot of prep.
At two you're just kind ofgiving them random odd jobs.
They're not really necessarilycontributing to the meal, but
but a five year old can, and soif you can get them involved in
meal prep and create a positiveenvironment and have some
expectations but also some frompraise around sitting at the
meal, I think and contributingnot just sitting but being
(12:47):
engaged and interactive I thinkthat that can go a really,
really long way and it's a lotbetter than the alternative that
most of us were taught, whichis either demonizing food and
meal time, making it this thingthat kids dread but you have to
sit here until you finish yourfood, or whatever, which is not
a good thing.
You can look at the episode oneating where I talk about why
that's a.
The clean plate club club is areally, really bad idea for kids
(13:09):
long term.
But you know, and if you don'tgo with that, then you're going
to be punished, right.
That sets up a really negativestereotype and a really negative
environment for eating.
If we create a positive mealtime environment with all these
things, I think you're going tohave a lot easier time to
prioritize this with your kidand be willing to have that
conversation and explain.
The reason that we're doingthis is because this is an
(13:30):
important family thing for momand dad.
It might not feel important toyou right now, but it's
important to us and we hope thatsomeday it will feel important
to you as well.
But it doesn't have to.
You don't have to be happyabout it, but let's find ways to
make it fun.
So that's what I would give you, mark, and as we continue on
the other things that I'm goingto talk about, feel free to pick
(13:52):
and choose through the adviceand see what other places you
might be able to benefit from aswell.
Alright, so our second questionkind of this episode is a little
bit different than pastepisodes, because these three
things are somewhat different.
They're just all arounddiscipline and boundaries, but
it's totally separate type ofsituation.
Unlike, you know, the otherepisodes that are more highly
(14:12):
specific.
This is kind of another out ofleft field one.
So this one's from Sarah, whohas a three year old named Emma
and she says Lately Emma hasbeen testing boundaries more
than ever, especially when she'supset or doesn't get away.
One particular behavior thathas been challenging is her
habit of throwing toys whenshe's angry.
How can I discipline her in away that helps her to understand
boundaries and consequenceswithout yelling or spanking.
(14:35):
Thank you so much, sarah, foroffering this to us as kind of a
case study and how we can helpto discipline, to teach, in
other words, three year olds.
The first thing that I want tosay, as we engage the concept,
the construct of discipline, isto kind of throw out a fallacy
(14:57):
that most of us, when we thinkof the word discipline, what we
are actually thinking of ispunishment.
So when we think about, like Iwas disciplined for this or you
know any of those things anyways that we use that word
outside of personal discipline,right, I have the discipline to
get up and work out everymorning, right?
So neither of those things isactually getting to the core of
(15:20):
what discipline is.
As far as the root of whatdiscipline is and actually how
we should be using disciplineand parenting, discipline
actually comes from the sameroot as disciple.
This is a word that oftenpeople use in religious contexts
, but basically the relationshipbetween a teacher and a
disciple is the disciple is thestudent.
(15:40):
Right, it's the same.
It's a Greek word that justmeans student.
And so when we think aboutdiscipline, what we really need
to be thinking about is the factthat we are the teachers and
our children are the students.
So when we're disciplining, ourprimary goal at all times is to
teach, not to correct, not tocondition, but to teach.
(16:04):
And so many of the disciplinepractices that we experienced as
children are actually born outof a fundamental
misunderstanding of teaching,where we think that what we
should do is just condition kidsto be afraid of doing a given
thing, like throwing a toy.
And if they're afraid ofthrowing a toy, if they receive
(16:24):
a punishment as the result ofthrowing a toy, whether that's a
punishment of physical painlike spanking, or a punishment
of emotional pain right, I'mbeing yelled at.
A punishment of relational painI'm being ignored, I'm being
dismissed.
Punishment of social pain I'mbeing grounded.
Obviously, you don't ground athree-year-old but 13-year-old,
right?
Granted, you can't go see yourfriends.
You can't go to your friend'sbirthday party.
(16:45):
That's social pain, right?
So what we do is we can.
Essentially, what we're tryingto do with punishment is we're
trying to condition kids, andwhat we really want to do with
discipline is we want to teachthem.
So the goal with teaching athree-year-old is to redirect
and then express theconsequences surrounding
throwing toys.
So the consequences aroundthrowing toys are not anything
(17:06):
that we impose.
They are things that naturallycome from throwing toys.
So if those who are watchingonline right now are watching
the video version of thispodcast, know that I have a cut
on my forehead that is actuallyprobably a fingernail, but let's
just take for the example ofthis that if I had been hit in
the head with a toy, that wouldhave been the consequence of
(17:27):
throwing the toy.
Somebody gets hurt, right.
Often the consequence ofthrowing toys is toys get broken
.
That's another consequence ofthrowing toys.
Sometimes the consequence ofthrowing toys can be something
that we impose in order toprevent one of those other worse
consequences.
So if we're throwing toys in away that hurts people and we
(17:48):
want to prevent somebody frombeing hurt, maybe that toy will
be taken away.
Now people say, well, that'sjust a punishment, you're just
removing positive reinforcement.
That's, by its very nature, apunishment.
No, not when what we'recommunicating is if this
continues, somebody will gethurt, and to prevent somebody
from being hurt, I have toremove this thing.
It's fundamentally differentthan doing that makes me mad,
(18:11):
and when I'm mad, I take out myaggression by making you upset,
right?
So this is the differencebetween consequences and
punishment.
Consequences are the naturalreaction of something that
happens and versus punishment isthe kind of arbitrary social
pain or physical or relationalpain that we press upon often
(18:33):
children, but adults as well, inorder to make them feel bad or
feel upset and, because theyfeel upset, be conditioned to
not do the thing anymore.
So, understanding that our goalis actually to stop her from
throwing the toys because sheunderstands to some extent that
toys being thrown isinappropriate for whatever
(18:54):
reason actually is a much betterway to do it than just we don't
throw toys.
Why don't we throw toys?
Because it makes mom mad.
Who cares, right, mom, I guess.
But then Emma doesn't learnthat we don't throw toys all the
time.
We just don't throw toys around, mom, right?
So this is my fundamentalopposition to punishment and
(19:18):
it's one of the main things thatI talk about in general, and
I'm not related to discipline.
Is punishment, free discipline.
But as far as we're concerned,for this, what would we do in
said right, because it's onething for me to say hey, don't
do that stuff.
And you know, you evenidentified.
I don't want to yell and Idon't want to spank.
Very, very good, awesome.
In all likelihood, most of uswere yelled at and spanked.
(19:40):
In fact, the statistics on thisare pretty astronomical 70% of
parents in 2012,.
So this is way after everyperson who's a parent today was
already.
I guess I don't technicallyknow that, but you know, most of
us were, in 2012, no longerchildren.
I would say the overwhelmingmajority of parents today were
(20:01):
no longer children in 2012.
They're either out of the housein some way or they were in
their teenage years or whatever.
In the late 2012, 70% ofparents thought that certain
behaviors warranted hitting yourchildren, spanking 70%.
Think about that.
7 out of 10 people that youknow were hit not just because
their parents were upset, butbecause their parents thought it
was necessary to do so.
(20:22):
So let's just dispel that rumor.
It's never necessary to yell atyour kids.
It's never necessary to hityour kids.
You may yell at your kidsbecause you've been conditioned
to it.
You may even spank your kids attimes because you've been
conditioned to it.
Spanking is worse than yelling.
No doubt the data backs that up.
But you should be trying tostop all of those methods of
discipline and instead we shouldbe doing some things instead.
(20:45):
So, with an older child, let'sjust get this out of the way.
First, it's a conversation, soit's hey, this is why we can't
do this.
If we were talking about ourfive-year-old Tyler in the last
question, this is how we wouldgo about it.
We'd have a conversation aboutit With a three-year-old.
You may not be able to, you maybe, depending on developmental,
speech and communication skills, impossible to communicate to
(21:07):
them that they can't or theyshouldn't do this.
They could, right, still throwtoys, but that they shouldn't do
this for X, y and Z reasons,because someone will get hurt,
et cetera.
And that I think, Beyond theconversation, in other words,
and beyond the collaborativeDiscipline that you can do with
older kids, which will be awhole another episode someday
(21:27):
the next thing that we can do iswe can redirect, and there's
two primary ways that we wouldwant to redirect this, and then
we can Implement a consequence.
So I've already mentioned theconsequence, so I'll get that
one out of the way.
I would say the consequencearound throwing toys is that the
toy has to be removed, and it'sagain.
We would explain this in theway of hey, I'm removing this
toy or hey, I'm gonna put thistoy away for a little while,
(21:49):
because it seems like you reallywant to throw this toy and this
toy is not a toy that we canthrow.
It could hurt somebody, itcould break, it could break
something in the house, etc.
Right, so that's that's numberone, right?
Balls, no, no, rubber, one ofthose like rubber playground
balls in the house.
My son brought one in the otherday.
I said playground balls, you'renot belong in the house.
(22:10):
He was no, no, no, I justwanted to show you.
Boom hit the table.
Glass went flying everywhere.
Okay, so that rubber playgroundball now is no longer allowed
in the house for any reason.
It has to be kept outside atall times.
It does not have a place in ourhouse anymore.
It can't even be brought in toshow me to clean it off.
You have to clean it offoutside.
We can create a consequencesurrounding that which is just
(22:32):
hey, this consequence is toprevent future harm.
Any consequence that isLeveraged in the effort to
prevent future harm is a goodconsequence.
I shouldn't say that.
That's probably not true, butin the way in which I'm thinking
of it right now.
Number two the second thing wecan do is redirect, and there's
two ways that we can redirect.
Like I said, the first way thatwe can redirect is we can say,
(22:53):
hey, throw this instead.
That works really, really wellbecause the neural pathway
that's firing in their brain towant make them want to throw
this thing.
Then that itch is scratched,but it's it's tied to a new item
.
So you have like one of thosesoft little cushy balls or you
know a stuffed animal orsomething that you are
comfortable with them Throwingin a given environment.
(23:16):
They go to throw their toy.
You say, oh, wait, wait, wait,let me take that from you here.
Throw this instead, thenthey'll actually build a neural
pathway.
These are the things that I canthrow and these are the things
that I should avoid throwing.
So that's so.
That's a really, really greatway to kind of handle that
situation on the front end.
On the on the back end, theother way to redirect is that we
(23:36):
just it kind of expressly tellthem and this is where parents
get really really frustrated.
But it does work.
It just works slower than youwant it to which is they go to
throw it.
And then you say, nope, toysare not, toys are not for
throwing.
And you, you hold the item andyou put it back down.
Toys are not for throwing, toysare not for throwing.
So I had to do this redirectionwith a two-year-old today
(23:56):
earlier, my two-year-old who wastrying to eat like cheesy
breadsticks Dipped in marinarasauce on the couch.
So we don't eat in the livingroom.
I mean, we probably don'tfollow this boundary closely
enough because obviously hethinks that he should be able to
eat this in the living room,but he keeps dipping it and then
trying to leave for the livingroom.
So I had to keep taking it awayfrom him, putting it back on
the table, and I used to go no,we, we breadsticks on the table,
(24:18):
we eat breadsticks on the table, we, breadsticks on the table.
And people are like my gosh, Iwould just go nuts and it's like
well, I would rather repeatmyself ten times right now in
that process than have to repeatmyself 50 times over the next
six months because I yell atthem and they don't interpret
what I'm actually saying andthey don't actually learn
anything.
So eventually he really got themessage I'm I, I can eat this.
(24:41):
At first, you know, he did cry,he was upset at me, he was mad
because he's a two-year-old andhe's autonomy seeking, which is
probably a lot of what's goingon right here.
Right, she's testing herboundaries and when she gets
upset, then she boom, explodes,right.
So kind of mine, my.
I'll give you one more tip aswe get into the next one with
Jacob.
But but you know, as it relatesto this, just constantly
(25:04):
redirecting that behavior, evenif it feels like it's not
working, it does work becauseyou're literally building a
neural pathway in their brain.
Well, every time you say that,every time you redirect them no,
this is where we eat.
No, this is where we do this,or this is no choice, or not for
throwing, this is how we putdentoise, this is how we do toys
gently, and and not just sayingdon't do it, but also saying no
, gentle with toys, put the toydown.
(25:26):
That's the stuff that reallyreally seems to work.
Well, because you can't justtell a kid not to do something.
It's like telling a person notto think about.
I forget what the animal peoplesay oh, don't think about the
elephant, right, don't thinkabout an elephant.
What are you gonna do?
You're gonna think about anelephant.
Kids in their brains, that'show they work.
They don't have the prefrontalcortex development to come up
with an alternative to whatthey're doing.
So instead you give themsomething to throw.
(25:48):
Or you say, nope, toys are notfor throwing, we put doys on
gently Right.
That's the second half of that.
The same thing, as you know hey, nope, you can't eat this in
the living room becomes this iswhere we eat it.
Instead, you know, nope, wedon't put this on the couch, we
eat it at the table.
We eat this at the table.
We eat breadsticks at the table.
So I hope that that kind ofgives you some ideas and, like I
(26:09):
said, I'll touch on one moretip as we go forward.
I'll let you know.
All right, before we get to ourthird question.
I wanted to take a really quickmoment here to step aside and
remind you of a couple of things.
The first is that if you arenot on the whole parent email
list yet, this is where all ofthe best content for whole
parent is.
So all you got to do is go tolink in the description of this
(26:31):
video in the show notes and signup for the whole parent email
list.
Every single week on Thursday,I send in an email.
It is full of amazing parentingcontent.
Sometimes it has to do withsomething that we've talked
about in the podcast, othertimes it's just other things,
and also when I do amazingworkshops.
I'm doing a workshop this week,but whenever you're listening
(26:51):
to this, if I have an upcomingworkshop, I'm primarily going to
talk about that on my emaillist.
So make sure that you're onthat email list so that you can
get access to all of that.
I have an upcoming book.
When pre-orders becomeavailable, the email list will
be the first people to know.
So if you are not on the wholeparent email list yet, you have
to get on it.
And the second thing is kind ofa request from me, and that's if
(27:13):
you are finding this podcasthelpful which really quickly
just jump out of the podcast appright now, not if it's your
first episode, but if you'velistened to a couple episodes
jump out of your podcast appright.
Jump out of this episode rightnow into the podcast app that
you're listening to and rate andreview the show.
I know it takes a couple ofsteps.
It's not automatic.
They make it harder than itneeds to be, but when you do
(27:34):
that, it shows that you reallyare passionate about the show
that you're listening to, if youwent through that effort to
submit a rating and a review,and so this is one of the number
one ways that the podcast appsdecide to put content out, and
so when you do that, youactually help whole parent to
grow, you help it to push tomore people so that more people
will download it, more peoplewill subscribe, more people will
(27:57):
get updates, more people canjoin the email list, and when
all of those things happen, itallows me to keep putting out
amazing content like this.
So, without further ado, let'sget back to the episode with
question number three.
All right, our third questioncomes from Alex.
He says I'm a father to aseven-year-old boy named Jacob.
Recently, jacob has beenstruggling to follow
instructions and complete hischores.
(28:18):
No matter what approach we try,he doesn't seem to grasp the
importance of responsibility infollowing rules.
It's becoming increasinglyfrustrating and I'm frustrating
and I'm worried about how togive consequences that will
resonate well with him.
Great question, alex.
I'm super excited to answer it.
Really, at the core here is theconstruct of collaborative
(28:43):
consequences, and that's what Iwant.
That's what I want to highlighthere.
I understand that many kidsdon't want to do chores.
Many kids don't like followinginstructions or abiding by
boundaries.
That is a normal kid thing tonot like to follow rules.
It's a normal kid thing to notwant to do the boring chores.
What we also know is that doingchores, having responsibilities
(29:06):
around the house, is incrediblybeneficial to kids Long-term
physical, mental, emotional andrelational health.
We know that this is a positivething.
I'm not saying that you have towork your child like they're
Cinderella.
I'm saying that having a fewthings that your child can do
can be really, really helpful inpreparing them for long-term
(29:29):
living.
I know so many parents who justdon't prioritize chores.
They just say, hey, my kid'sjob is to go to school and get
good grades or whatever.
This actually leads to kids notfeeling as committed and
connected to a family.
When you're contributing tosomething, you feel more
connected to it, and so,similarly, sitting around the
(29:49):
table at dinner time, that canbe really, really a beneficial
and helpful thing.
And so I have a couple ofpieces of advice.
The main one is we're going totalk a little bit about
collaborative consequences,which I'm sure we'll have an
entire episode about later on,but the first thing that I want
to do, before even getting intothe collaborative consequences,
is to offer that sometimes, formany kids, it is not the
(30:15):
difficulty in actually doing thechore, it is the difficulty in
remembering to do the chore, andI know that that may sound very
like an excuse for many kids.
It's not an excuse.
This is the truth.
There are many people who, forwhatever reason, the way in
which their brain functions itmakes it very, very difficult to
remember and follow throughwith menial tasks.
(30:38):
I think specifically of kidswho are ADHD, which obviously
I'm not prescribing or trying todiagnose your son or anything
of that nature.
Don't hear me doing that at all.
But for kids who are ADHD,things like chores can become
incredibly difficult, and thereason is they just have a
different way of processingdopamine in their brain and it
(30:58):
means that they don't have thesame satisfaction for doing
menial or not novel tasks, notengaging tasks, and so something
like doing the dishes orwhatever the chore may be
applicable for a seven-year-old,that becomes incredibly
difficult for them.
So just two things that I wouldsay on that note.
It's really really easy to getinto the habit of assuming that
(31:21):
your kid just doesn't want to dochores because they don't want
to.
Don't make that assumption.
Try and give your kid thebenefit of the doubt.
This is a common age-old adagethat has been co-opted by a
modern parenting creator.
But the age-old adage is thatyou want to be as generous as
possible in the way in which youview your kid.
You want to assume that theyare doing the best that they can
(31:43):
with the development and thebrain and the personality that
they have.
And so if you're going to dothat, you wouldn't just assume
that Jacob is just blowing youoff.
You would assume that, hey,this is a real struggle for
Jacob and we have to figure outa way to go about making this a
little bit less challenging.
And so the first thing would behey, how can we identify chores
(32:07):
that feel for Jacob like theseare things that can be done.
Maybe it means that you have tohave it can't be the same chore
.
Maybe it has to be the samechore, right?
Different kids are differentways.
Some kids what's more importantto them?
That they go around and they doeach chore every month or
whatever, rather than doing thesame thing all the time.
(32:28):
Other kids, for example me as achild, if I had one chore that
I was responsible for, I wasmuch more likely to be able to
actually achieve and do thatchore.
Then if I was trying to cyclethrough and I couldn't remember,
am I on dishes this week?
Am I on this this week?
Am I on this this week?
So just finding applicablechores that actually work and
(32:49):
finding chores that are notoutside of the developmental
capacity of your child.
Seven years old is pretty oldand they can do a lot of things.
They can help with so manythings.
They can get themselves snacks,they can help take out the
trash, they can even help withthings like the laundry.
But there are things likecleaning the gutters that you
should not have a seven-year-olddo, and that's a really obvious
(33:09):
example.
But there are others that arejust a little bit that they may
involve too many steps.
They may be a little bit toocomplex.
They may involve a little bittoo much critical thinking
skills.
Obviously, a little bit ofstress on that critical thinking
is gonna help them developcritical thinking.
But going beyond the little bitlike it's actually Overwhelming
to do this chore, that willhave a serious impediment and it
(33:31):
might not feel that way to you,but it can feel that way to
them.
The other thing that you can dois you can create a visual
choice chore chart, and Visualchore charts are not just lists
of chores.
There are things with likelittle animated pictures or
something like that, and anybodycan do this.
You just go online at Canva oreven just like whatever Software
is available on your computeror on your phone and you can
(33:54):
make little icons and print themout or trace them out or
whatever, and these icons canhelp you to identify what the
chores are and when it's visual,it can really really help kids
to see it and then rememberbetter, right, and so visual
chore charts are really reallyhelpful, especially things where
you can create like a picture,like, for example, this is
(34:17):
something especially again forpeople on the spectrum or ADHD
people but you can have apicture of what it looks like
when it's done.
That can be a really help,helpful visualization, but for
seven year olds, visual aids canbe super, super helpful.
The next thing that I would say, beyond finding applicable
chores and having a visual chorechart, that can be very, very
(34:37):
helpful and setting remindersyou can also have reminders and
things like that, like there areall sorts of little pieces that
you can build into the system.
The second thing and this iswhere we get into collaborative
problem-solving or collaborativediscipline or even
collaborative consequences isthat you want to involve Jacob
in the setting of the boundariesand the consequences around not
(34:57):
getting his chores done.
You want him to have agency inthat process, because any
process that he has agency in hewill be infinitely more
invested in.
This is the same thing that wewere talking about Way back in
the first question with why it'shelpful to have kids Prepare
the meal, because then they'reinvested in the process of
(35:20):
sitting down for dinner.
The same thing is true withkids setting the consequences or
the chores that they have right, so you can make the
distribution of chores reallyfun.
You can have them pick choresout of a hat or something like
that.
That's like a fun thing.
Some kids, that's reallyoverwhelming.
They don't want to do that.
But in whatever way is possible, try and find ways to have him
(35:40):
contribute to the, the settingof the, the chores and the whole
process around them, up to andincluding the consequences for
not following them.
And so what this can look likeis just simply sitting down to
your seven-year-old and saying,hey, if you don't do this, what
do you think I should do?
Or what do you think theconsequence should be?
I should have to do extra thenext week, and they may come up
(36:02):
with really ridiculous thingsthey may come up with.
Really, you know goodconsequences.
Yeah, I will lose thisprivilege or something like that
.
Whatever it is, you're gonnatry and if it's, if it's
agreeable to you, right, youhave veto power.
You don't just have to say like, well, if I don't do it, just
do nothing, right, you have vetopower.
Whatever it is, now you havehad their buy-in in the setting
(36:26):
of that consequence and they'regonna be way more susceptible to
the implementation of thatconsequence when it becomes
necessary, because they were theone who decided on it in the
first place.
They decided what theconsequence was going to be.
Whatever it is, I can't use myiPad until I get the chore done
every day, whatever, and itdoesn't have to be a consequence
(36:47):
.
That can also be the framing ofthe thing up to the point,
right, what do you want me to doto remind you to do this chore?
Well, I want you to come up tome and I want you to tell me
that the bananas are gettingrotten in the garbage can or
something like that.
Like the kids think up sillythings, tell them that.
Work within their framework,this type of collaborative
Parenting approach where you'reactually allowing them to have
(37:10):
agency and autonomy into thediscipline process, into the
teaching process, actually leadsto kids having way more
susceptibility to that teaching.
This is this is why childlearning is so important and so
and so powerful.
When a kid wants to learnsomething, they're way more
likely to learn it when a kidwants to actually get their
(37:31):
chores done because they've beenin the process of setting what
those chores are, of determiningthe, the boundaries around
those chores, of Determining theconsequences.
When we don't do those chores,whatever it is, your kid is
gonna be infinitely morebought-in, and so it.
It goes from being a thing thatmom and dad are telling me to
do.
This Right to know this issomething that I'm doing to
(37:53):
contribute to the family,because I had agency and I had
buy-in and and I had autonomy inthis process, and so that is so
, so important and effective asa parenting tool to just use
that Discipline process to givethem a sense of buy-in and
agency.
And and then one thing that Isaid that I was gonna give Sarah
(38:14):
One more thing to say with Emma, and I wanted to also say this
to you when kids get upset, thetime to discipline is not in
that moment, and so, whetherit's with Emma the
three-year-old or with Jacob theseven-year-old, when kids get
upset and they kind of panic,freak out, do whatever.
(38:34):
That is not the moment to try,and you know, enact some form of
discipline.
Wait till cooler heads prevailBefore you try and go forward
with any sort of consequence, oryou know you may have to hold a
boundary.
Obviously you don't want tojust let your kid get hurt or
hurt someone else or destroyproperty etc.
But as far as the actualteaching moments or the
(38:56):
consequence Delivery or any ofthat, you can always wait until
your child is calm.
And so if Jacob is reallyreally struggling with his
chores, even after you've doneeverything that we're talking
about and it is going to have tobe a hard conversation about,
you know, we just have to dothese responsible things.
Wait until there's there's amoment where that actually is
not going to be a heavilycharged Moment, right, whether
(39:19):
it's you who needs to a coolerhead to prevail or whether it's
your child, don't try anddiscipline in the moment to the
extent of, of you know,lecturing, teaching, whatever
above and beyond what isnecessary to keep your child
safe.
And it's always better to havethose conversations later, when
cooler heads are available andwhen the discipline is going to
(39:39):
take far better route becausethey have, more literally, more
blood flow going to the learningcenters of their brain, they're
gonna literally be able tointerpret that and embody that
in a much more healthy andeffective way.
So I hope that these ways ofthinking about discipline and
consequences and boundaries havekind of been a taste test or a
starter to this conversation,because we are gonna have so
(40:02):
many more episodes aboutdiscipline and consequences and
boundaries.
These are kind of thefundamentals of parenting.
This is where a lot of ourparenting is put to the test.
This is where a lot of us goback into our childhood wounds.
This is where a lot of us youdon't wanna default to
punishment or whatever else as ameans of gaining control.
This is also the place where wecan do the most amazing and
(40:24):
transformative work that is,cycle breaking, not only for our
children but for generations tocome, and so we're gonna have
so many more episodes on this.
But I hope that these threequestions started that
conversation and encourage allof you out there in Podcast
World to ask more questions and,on that note, as we end this
episode, I wanted to offer you anew place that you can submit
(40:45):
questions.
So far we've been gettingquestions inside the membership.
Some of these have come fromthe membership and also just on
social media.
But the new place that you cansubmit questions to if you want
your question to be answered onthe Whole Parent Podcast, is you
can just send them directly topodcast at wholeparentacademycom
.
So that's podcast atwholeparentacademycom and that
(41:06):
is where you can send a questionlaid out like this just make
sure that you say your name, theage of your child and, if you
would prefer, your child's name.
Some people don't give theirchild's name.
You can give a fake name if youwant.
Sometimes it's just easier forme to talk about it in the way,
and I have on occasion changednames when a parent has said hey
, I don't wanna give my realname especially parents in the
(41:27):
membership I don't wanna give myreal name or my child's real
name.
If it's gonna be on the podcast, we don't have to give your
real name.
We can give you a fake name forthe purpose of this, but you'll
know, because the rest of yourquestion will be the same.
So if you have questions, pleasepodcast at
wholeparentacademycom.
That will now be in thedescription as a place that you
can go in the show notes, Ishould say, or the description,
depending on where you'rewatching this where you can
(41:49):
email those questions to.
And you'll go in the log of thequestions that we get and we
try and answer as many questionsas possible, doing this twice a
week.
So I'm so glad that each andevery one of you has been asking
all these questions that we'vebeen able to answer in these
amazing ways.
So thank you all for doing thatso much.
It's been just a joy to do thispodcast so far.
(42:11):
And one last note, just areminder as we conclude, that if
you have not yet, you know, ifyou didn't take my advice at the
mid-roll portion of the showwith the little interlude, to go
and rate and review thispodcast and share it with a
friend.
I didn't say that in thisepisode, but you can share this
with someone who's strugglingwith these things.
Perhaps you have somebody inyour life who's really having a
(42:31):
difficulty with a toddlerthrowing, hitting, biting, that
type of thing or a person who'sstruggling to get their grade
school, grade school, or to dochores or sit at the dinner
table.
If you have those people inyour life, even if it's you
share this with someone, shareit with your partner, share it
with your friends, because themore that parents can have this
information, the more that wecan know better.
We can do better, and that isour goal, right, so do all of
(42:55):
those things.
Thank you, beautiful people.
We'll see you on the next one.
Discipline actually comes from the same root as
disciple.
This is a word that oftenpeople use in religious contexts
, but basically the relationshipbetween a teacher and a
disciple is the disciple is thestudent.
It's the same.
It's a Greek word that justmeans student.
So when we think aboutdiscipline, what we really need
to be thinking about is the factthat we are the teachers and
(00:22):
our children are the students.
So when we're disciplining, ourprimary goal at all times is to
teach, not to correct, not tocondition, but to teach.
It's a brand new day.
Wake up every morning and sayit's a brand new day.
(00:44):
Hello and welcome to anotherepisode of the Poll-Hair Podcast
.
My name is John.
I am the host of this podcast,which is all about helping you
to raise resilient kids withconfidence.
We cover everything fromneuroscience to development.
Today, we're talking aboutdiscipline and, yeah, it's just
designed this podcast designedto help you to parent in the
(01:06):
most effective and best waypossible, and so I don't want to
waste any of your time.
I know that you are a very busyparent, most likely just like
me, and so let's just jump rightin.
The way this podcast isstructured is that we get real
questions from parents just likeyou, who are in the trenches of
parenting, figuring out how toraise kids, trying to do it
(01:27):
better than was done for them,although many of us had great
parents.
Not to say that, it's just tosay that, hey, we are in a
different time, we're in adifferent era.
We know more now than we knewback in the 80s and 90s and so,
because of that, we're alltrying to do better, and so the
format is we get real questionsfrom real parents, like you, and
we organize those questionsaround a given topic.
(01:49):
Today, we're talking aboutdiscipline and boundaries, which
is a massive topic.
We're probably going to havemultiple episodes on the topic
of discipline and boundaries.
These are just the three thatwe got this time around, and we
delve into these questions.
We give each one about 10minutes and then, yeah, that's
the podcast.
So that's what you have toexpect if you're first brand new
(02:10):
to the podcast.
If you are brand new, I reallyencourage you just to sit back
and listen, to absorb, tocontemplate the things that
we're talking about and if youreally, really love it
afterwards, make sure that yousubscribe and read a review and
do all those positive things tohelp this message get to all the
parents that have not heard ityet.
All right, so our first questiontoday comes from Mark.
(02:32):
He is a dad to a five year oldnamed Tyler.
He says recently we've beenthrough a tough time during meal
times.
Tyler absolutely refuses to sitat the table and if we try to
insist he throws tantrums thatcan last for what feels like
forever.
We're feeling overwhelmed andunsure of how to handle this
situation without meal timesbecoming a daily battle.
(02:54):
This is such such a goodquestion, mark.
I totally get where you'recoming from.
Many of us were raised inenvironments where family meals
may have been prioritized, butfamily meals may not have been
specifically for kids.
Right?
We know that there's reallygood data out there that says
(03:14):
eating with your kids at leastfive times a week and I'm not
saying that that has to be, youknow, five dinner times.
That's not what the datasuggests.
Just five meals a week that youeat with your kids can have
really really amazing attachmentand discipline and connection
related outcomes that kids whoeat with their families five
times a week whether that'sbreakfast or lunch or dinner or
(03:37):
whatever really feel moreconnected to those families.
So, with all the positiveoutcomes related to meal times.
It can often feel like we haveto do this in this way,
especially when many of us wereraised that meal times were a
specific way.
They looked like this Everybodyhad their seat.
This is the type of thing thatwe talked about, that type of
thing.
But I think that we can actuallydo things that are that can
(04:01):
really really contribute,especially for a five year old
who probably is going throughsome autonomy, discerning
behaviors, right.
So when they're five, this issomething that I talk about all
the time.
But when kids are five and theystart school, a lot of times
they will really start to pushback on our boundaries, and this
is they're basically asking thequestion through their
(04:22):
behaviors.
They're asking the question hey, now that I am not as close to
you as I once was, now that I amout on my own going to school,
these things, are you stillgoing to be there for me?
And so that can look a lot ofdifferent ways for different
kids.
It can be baby talk, it can berejecting, you know, kind of
fundamental parts of, of of orroutines that we do, things like
(04:43):
meal times.
It can look a lot of differentways.
And so the number one tip thatI have in the midst of this is
to maintain a level ofconsistent connection with your
kid.
And so, kind of paradoxically,in this case, one of the ways,
as I just kind of highlightedthat the research says that we
connect with our kids is througheating, with meals with them.
But in this case, the mealseems to be one of the places of
(05:07):
autonomy seeking behaviors anddisconnection, and it could be
because we're placing importanceon it, right.
So, mark, if you're a personwho, who was raised were meals
were this kind of I'm not goingto say formal, that's maybe the
wrong word but but this reallyimportant aspect of your family
life and and and for good reason, as we've kind of highlighted,
it can often feel like we haveto make our kids participate in
(05:30):
that way.
And then our kids feel that andthey go wow, this seems to be
really important for mom and dad.
This is a place where I cankind of double down and and the
autonomy seeking behaviors cancome out.
So, the more emphasis and and weput on something, the more
exaggerated our reaction to anygiven thing, the more likely our
kid is going to press on thatwound of ours to try and see
(05:55):
what will happen when they doright.
They're just learning anddeveloping as well.
And so here here are my kind ofthree aspects to this.
The first is at five years old,we can have a conversation
where we set some pretty clearexpectations right Now.
I want to be very open here andsay that the expectation that a
five year old sit at a tableespecially a five year old who's
(06:17):
likely in school, who's sittingall day already for, for, for
or for much of the day this istrue for seven year olds too the
the expectation that we justare going to force them to sit
in a table quietly for 40minutes to an hour is a pretty
unrealistic expectation, I think, for many kids.
Not for some kids maybe it'sokay, but for many kids that can
(06:37):
be really really challenging.
And so we can set clearexpectations.
Let's just make sure that thoseexpectations are in line with
their developmental capacity,and many people try and
determine developmental capacitybased on, like, what they were
able to do at that age right.
So, like when I was five, I hadto sit at the table for an hour
.
So therefore you have to sit atthe table for an hour.
That's not a good way to setexpectations.
(06:59):
The better way to set clear andconsistent expectations is to
basically sit down with your kidat a meal and determine okay,
what's the attention span tostay here, and maybe it's only
15 minutes and that's okay.
Right, like that's that is.
We're going to talk about someways that we can extend that in
a moment, but whatever thebaseline is, let's start from
(07:22):
there and let's build somepositive rapport with our kids
of hey, how can we, how can weessentially grow together by
building confidence around mealtimes.
So how can we grow by doing itfor 15 minutes and then saying,
okay, yeah, you're free to go,and maybe me and mom are going
to still sit here, and itdoesn't mean that your meal has
to be over.
It just might mean that theirtime is.
(07:43):
And this is a clear expectationof boundary for my seven year
old, his attention span is at atable.
He's probably ADHD, but his hisattention span to set at a
table is pretty low.
His attention span to sit ingeneral is pretty low.
We love this about him.
This is an amazing trait.
It also provides somechallenges with things like meal
times, and so he oftentimesmaybe 20 minutes once he's kind
(08:07):
of done talking and done,enjoying the conversation.
And I'm not saying that you haveto only have kid conversations
during that time.
You can also have adultconversations.
Just make sure that you're nottalking over your kid, right?
You're not talking over theirhead or over their developmental
level or specifically like justlouder than them so that you
can have this conversation.
In fact, it can be okay to letyour kid go once they've kind of
(08:28):
exhausted their attention andthen have those conversations.
But you know, whatever that is20 minutes for us, he will go
off and play, but there is anexpectation that we're not
necessarily going to go off andplay with him at that point.
We're we're still eating andwe're still going to have our
time to sit, and so there can bekind of varying degrees.
You don't have to sit, but weare going to sit right.
(08:48):
So setting clear and consistentexpectations of what that looks
like and then also understandingthat when he does a good job of
sitting and engaging in theconversation, you don't have to
lavish praise, but you can use alittle bit of positive
reinforcement of just sayinglike, hey, it's so fun to sit
here together, isn't it?
You know, I think sometimes wereally demonize praise because
(09:10):
we want kids to be internallymotivated and I think that
there's a lot of wisdom to that.
But it's also a pendulum swingof if our kid is not seeing that
we are feeling good aboutwhat's happening and they're
only getting our disappointmentwhen our disappointment.
Please don't try to tell yourkid you're disappointed with
them, but they're only seeingour kind of negative reactions
when things don't go well.
(09:30):
That can create unnecessaryhostility as well.
So so that's what I would sayas far as the clear expectations
piece.
The other two things that youcan do that I think are really
really important.
Number one you can makemealtime just more positive in
general for kids.
So this is where I've kind ofalready mentioned this.
But you can really try and tellstories that are descriptive.
(09:54):
If you're going to be talkingabout something about your day,
you know, just tell the story ina way that a five year old can
understand, even if you'rereally talking to your partner.
Tell that story in a way thatyour five year old can
participate in some way.
Discuss fun topics that includethe interests of your five year
old.
Oftentimes parents don't takeinterest.
I'm not saying you don't mark,but just in general Parents
(10:17):
struggle to take interest in thethings that their kids are
interested in, whether that'sMinecraft or whatever Pokemon or
whatever.
Your kid is into Hot Wheels,whatever.
And when we fail to takeinterest in what they're
interested in, mealtimes canfeel like a real chore because
now we're just kind of talkingabout grown-up things and we're
not really interested in whatyou have to contribute.
(10:37):
And this is also an awesometime to do something like an
affirmation or a gratitudecircle where you kind of go
around the table and say what'ssomething you're grateful for,
or you can say your highs andlows for the days.
Any of these things thatreflect on the narrative of your
child's day, that allows themto reflect on the narrative of
their day, has the secondarybeneficial outcome of having
(11:01):
your child practice thenarrativizing of their day and
of their life, of their memories.
And what we know now is thatnarrativizing, creating a
narrative out of yourexperiences, is one of the great
resiliency tools that wedevelop into adulthood.
So that can have that secondarything.
(11:21):
And then my other side of thisnot only making the mealtime fun
, but make meal prep fun.
Kids are way more likely to sitat a table and be interested in
the conversation in the food ifthey are in some way
contributing to the process ofgetting there and this is not
just hey, go set the table right.
This is how can they beinvolved?
(11:42):
Can they pick between we'remaking stir fry?
Can they pick between thevegetables that we're going to
put in?
Hey, we're going to put thisone in, this one in.
But we want to know, do we,should we put a yellow pepper in
, or red pepper, or are we goingto put asparagus in this or are
we going to leave it out?
You know a lot of that, thosesmall choices that a kid can
make, and they can really feelgood about those choices.
And they can also help withthings.
(12:02):
That, five years old especially, they can start to do some of
the meal prep stuff.
I have taught five year old howto use knives kitchen knives, I
mean safely.
Obviously we're going to, we'regoing to make sure that it's
that they are responsible andthat they can be trusted,
because those could be prettydamaging.
My wife cut herself pretty badwith a knife a little while back
while cooking.
But stirring something, whatever, at five years old you can
(12:25):
really do.
They can really help out with alot of prep.
At two you're just kind ofgiving them random odd jobs.
They're not really necessarilycontributing to the meal, but
but a five year old can, and soif you can get them involved in
meal prep and create a positiveenvironment and have some
expectations but also some frompraise around sitting at the
meal, I think and contributingnot just sitting but being
(12:47):
engaged and interactive I thinkthat that can go a really,
really long way and it's a lotbetter than the alternative that
most of us were taught, whichis either demonizing food and
meal time, making it this thingthat kids dread but you have to
sit here until you finish yourfood, or whatever, which is not
a good thing.
You can look at the episode oneating where I talk about why
that's a.
The clean plate club club is areally, really bad idea for kids
(13:09):
long term.
But you know, and if you don'tgo with that, then you're going
to be punished, right.
That sets up a really negativestereotype and a really negative
environment for eating.
If we create a positive mealtime environment with all these
things, I think you're going tohave a lot easier time to
prioritize this with your kidand be willing to have that
conversation and explain.
The reason that we're doingthis is because this is an
(13:30):
important family thing for momand dad.
It might not feel important toyou right now, but it's
important to us and we hope thatsomeday it will feel important
to you as well.
But it doesn't have to.
You don't have to be happyabout it, but let's find ways to
make it fun.
So that's what I would give you, mark, and as we continue on
the other things that I'm goingto talk about, feel free to pick
(13:52):
and choose through the adviceand see what other places you
might be able to benefit from aswell.
Alright, so our second questionkind of this episode is a little
bit different than pastepisodes, because these three
things are somewhat different.
They're just all arounddiscipline and boundaries, but
it's totally separate type ofsituation.
Unlike, you know, the otherepisodes that are more highly
(14:12):
specific.
This is kind of another out ofleft field one.
So this one's from Sarah, whohas a three year old named Emma
and she says Lately Emma hasbeen testing boundaries more
than ever, especially when she'supset or doesn't get away.
One particular behavior thathas been challenging is her
habit of throwing toys whenshe's angry.
How can I discipline her in away that helps her to understand
boundaries and consequenceswithout yelling or spanking.
(14:35):
Thank you so much, sarah, foroffering this to us as kind of a
case study and how we can helpto discipline, to teach, in
other words, three year olds.
The first thing that I want tosay, as we engage the concept,
the construct of discipline, isto kind of throw out a fallacy
(14:57):
that most of us, when we thinkof the word discipline, what we
are actually thinking of ispunishment.
So when we think about, like Iwas disciplined for this or you
know any of those things anyways that we use that word
outside of personal discipline,right, I have the discipline to
get up and work out everymorning, right?
So neither of those things isactually getting to the core of
(15:20):
what discipline is.
As far as the root of whatdiscipline is and actually how
we should be using disciplineand parenting, discipline
actually comes from the sameroot as disciple.
This is a word that oftenpeople use in religious contexts
, but basically the relationshipbetween a teacher and a
disciple is the disciple is thestudent.
(15:40):
Right, it's the same.
It's a Greek word that justmeans student.
And so when we think aboutdiscipline, what we really need
to be thinking about is the factthat we are the teachers and
our children are the students.
So when we're disciplining, ourprimary goal at all times is to
teach, not to correct, not tocondition, but to teach.
(16:04):
And so many of the disciplinepractices that we experienced as
children are actually born outof a fundamental
misunderstanding of teaching,where we think that what we
should do is just condition kidsto be afraid of doing a given
thing, like throwing a toy.
And if they're afraid ofthrowing a toy, if they receive
(16:24):
a punishment as the result ofthrowing a toy, whether that's a
punishment of physical painlike spanking, or a punishment
of emotional pain right, I'mbeing yelled at.
A punishment of relational painI'm being ignored, I'm being
dismissed.
Punishment of social pain I'mbeing grounded.
Obviously, you don't ground athree-year-old but 13-year-old,
right?
Granted, you can't go see yourfriends.
You can't go to your friend'sbirthday party.
(16:45):
That's social pain, right?
So what we do is we can.
Essentially, what we're tryingto do with punishment is we're
trying to condition kids, andwhat we really want to do with
discipline is we want to teachthem.
So the goal with teaching athree-year-old is to redirect
and then express theconsequences surrounding
throwing toys.
So the consequences aroundthrowing toys are not anything
(17:06):
that we impose.
They are things that naturallycome from throwing toys.
So if those who are watchingonline right now are watching
the video version of thispodcast, know that I have a cut
on my forehead that is actuallyprobably a fingernail, but let's
just take for the example ofthis that if I had been hit in
the head with a toy, that wouldhave been the consequence of
(17:27):
throwing the toy.
Somebody gets hurt, right.
Often the consequence ofthrowing toys is toys get broken
.
That's another consequence ofthrowing toys.
Sometimes the consequence ofthrowing toys can be something
that we impose in order toprevent one of those other worse
consequences.
So if we're throwing toys in away that hurts people and we
(17:48):
want to prevent somebody frombeing hurt, maybe that toy will
be taken away.
Now people say, well, that'sjust a punishment, you're just
removing positive reinforcement.
That's, by its very nature, apunishment.
No, not when what we'recommunicating is if this
continues, somebody will gethurt, and to prevent somebody
from being hurt, I have toremove this thing.
It's fundamentally differentthan doing that makes me mad,
(18:11):
and when I'm mad, I take out myaggression by making you upset,
right?
So this is the differencebetween consequences and
punishment.
Consequences are the naturalreaction of something that
happens and versus punishment isthe kind of arbitrary social
pain or physical or relationalpain that we press upon often
(18:33):
children, but adults as well, inorder to make them feel bad or
feel upset and, because theyfeel upset, be conditioned to
not do the thing anymore.
So, understanding that our goalis actually to stop her from
throwing the toys because sheunderstands to some extent that
toys being thrown isinappropriate for whatever
(18:54):
reason actually is a much betterway to do it than just we don't
throw toys.
Why don't we throw toys?
Because it makes mom mad.
Who cares, right, mom, I guess.
But then Emma doesn't learnthat we don't throw toys all the
time.
We just don't throw toys around, mom, right?
So this is my fundamentalopposition to punishment and
(19:18):
it's one of the main things thatI talk about in general, and
I'm not related to discipline.
Is punishment, free discipline.
But as far as we're concerned,for this, what would we do in
said right, because it's onething for me to say hey, don't
do that stuff.
And you know, you evenidentified.
I don't want to yell and Idon't want to spank.
Very, very good, awesome.
In all likelihood, most of uswere yelled at and spanked.
(19:40):
In fact, the statistics on thisare pretty astronomical 70% of
parents in 2012,.
So this is way after everyperson who's a parent today was
already.
I guess I don't technicallyknow that, but you know, most of
us were, in 2012, no longerchildren.
I would say the overwhelmingmajority of parents today were
(20:01):
no longer children in 2012.
They're either out of the housein some way or they were in
their teenage years or whatever.
In the late 2012, 70% ofparents thought that certain
behaviors warranted hitting yourchildren, spanking 70%.
Think about that.
7 out of 10 people that youknow were hit not just because
their parents were upset, butbecause their parents thought it
was necessary to do so.
(20:22):
So let's just dispel that rumor.
It's never necessary to yell atyour kids.
It's never necessary to hityour kids.
You may yell at your kidsbecause you've been conditioned
to it.
You may even spank your kids attimes because you've been
conditioned to it.
Spanking is worse than yelling.
No doubt the data backs that up.
But you should be trying tostop all of those methods of
discipline and instead we shouldbe doing some things instead.
(20:45):
So, with an older child, let'sjust get this out of the way.
First, it's a conversation, soit's hey, this is why we can't
do this.
If we were talking about ourfive-year-old Tyler in the last
question, this is how we wouldgo about it.
We'd have a conversation aboutit With a three-year-old.
You may not be able to, you maybe, depending on developmental,
speech and communication skills, impossible to communicate to
(21:07):
them that they can't or theyshouldn't do this.
They could, right, still throwtoys, but that they shouldn't do
this for X, y and Z reasons,because someone will get hurt,
et cetera.
And that I think, Beyond theconversation, in other words,
and beyond the collaborativeDiscipline that you can do with
older kids, which will be awhole another episode someday
(21:27):
the next thing that we can do iswe can redirect, and there's
two primary ways that we wouldwant to redirect this, and then
we can Implement a consequence.
So I've already mentioned theconsequence, so I'll get that
one out of the way.
I would say the consequencearound throwing toys is that the
toy has to be removed, and it'sagain.
We would explain this in theway of hey, I'm removing this
toy or hey, I'm gonna put thistoy away for a little while,
(21:49):
because it seems like you reallywant to throw this toy and this
toy is not a toy that we canthrow.
It could hurt somebody, itcould break, it could break
something in the house, etc.
Right, so that's that's numberone, right?
Balls, no, no, rubber, one ofthose like rubber playground
balls in the house.
My son brought one in the otherday.
I said playground balls, you'renot belong in the house.
(22:10):
He was no, no, no, I justwanted to show you.
Boom hit the table.
Glass went flying everywhere.
Okay, so that rubber playgroundball now is no longer allowed
in the house for any reason.
It has to be kept outside atall times.
It does not have a place in ourhouse anymore.
It can't even be brought in toshow me to clean it off.
You have to clean it offoutside.
We can create a consequencesurrounding that which is just
(22:32):
hey, this consequence is toprevent future harm.
Any consequence that isLeveraged in the effort to
prevent future harm is a goodconsequence.
I shouldn't say that.
That's probably not true, butin the way in which I'm thinking
of it right now.
Number two the second thing wecan do is redirect, and there's
two ways that we can redirect.
Like I said, the first way thatwe can redirect is we can say,
(22:53):
hey, throw this instead.
That works really, really wellbecause the neural pathway
that's firing in their brain towant make them want to throw
this thing.
Then that itch is scratched,but it's it's tied to a new item
.
So you have like one of thosesoft little cushy balls or you
know a stuffed animal orsomething that you are
comfortable with them Throwingin a given environment.
(23:16):
They go to throw their toy.
You say, oh, wait, wait, wait,let me take that from you here.
Throw this instead, thenthey'll actually build a neural
pathway.
These are the things that I canthrow and these are the things
that I should avoid throwing.
So that's so.
That's a really, really greatway to kind of handle that
situation on the front end.
On the on the back end, theother way to redirect is that we
(23:36):
just it kind of expressly tellthem and this is where parents
get really really frustrated.
But it does work.
It just works slower than youwant it to which is they go to
throw it.
And then you say, nope, toysare not, toys are not for
throwing.
And you, you hold the item andyou put it back down.
Toys are not for throwing, toysare not for throwing.
So I had to do this redirectionwith a two-year-old today
(23:56):
earlier, my two-year-old who wastrying to eat like cheesy
breadsticks Dipped in marinarasauce on the couch.
So we don't eat in the livingroom.
I mean, we probably don'tfollow this boundary closely
enough because obviously hethinks that he should be able to
eat this in the living room,but he keeps dipping it and then
trying to leave for the livingroom.
So I had to keep taking it awayfrom him, putting it back on
the table, and I used to go no,we, we breadsticks on the table,
(24:18):
we eat breadsticks on the table, we, breadsticks on the table.
And people are like my gosh, Iwould just go nuts and it's like
well, I would rather repeatmyself ten times right now in
that process than have to repeatmyself 50 times over the next
six months because I yell atthem and they don't interpret
what I'm actually saying andthey don't actually learn
anything.
So eventually he really got themessage I'm I, I can eat this.
(24:41):
At first, you know, he did cry,he was upset at me, he was mad
because he's a two-year-old andhe's autonomy seeking, which is
probably a lot of what's goingon right here.
Right, she's testing herboundaries and when she gets
upset, then she boom, explodes,right.
So kind of mine, my.
I'll give you one more tip aswe get into the next one with
Jacob.
But but you know, as it relatesto this, just constantly
(25:04):
redirecting that behavior, evenif it feels like it's not
working, it does work becauseyou're literally building a
neural pathway in their brain.
Well, every time you say that,every time you redirect them no,
this is where we eat.
No, this is where we do this,or this is no choice, or not for
throwing, this is how we putdentoise, this is how we do toys
gently, and and not just sayingdon't do it, but also saying no
, gentle with toys, put the toydown.
(25:26):
That's the stuff that reallyreally seems to work.
Well, because you can't justtell a kid not to do something.
It's like telling a person notto think about.
I forget what the animal peoplesay oh, don't think about the
elephant, right, don't thinkabout an elephant.
What are you gonna do?
You're gonna think about anelephant.
Kids in their brains, that'show they work.
They don't have the prefrontalcortex development to come up
with an alternative to whatthey're doing.
So instead you give themsomething to throw.
(25:48):
Or you say, nope, toys are notfor throwing, we put doys on
gently Right.
That's the second half of that.
The same thing, as you know hey, nope, you can't eat this in
the living room becomes this iswhere we eat it.
Instead, you know, nope, wedon't put this on the couch, we
eat it at the table.
We eat this at the table.
We eat breadsticks at the table.
So I hope that that kind ofgives you some ideas and, like I
(26:09):
said, I'll touch on one moretip as we go forward.
I'll let you know.
All right, before we get to ourthird question.
I wanted to take a really quickmoment here to step aside and
remind you of a couple of things.
The first is that if you arenot on the whole parent email
list yet, this is where all ofthe best content for whole
parent is.
So all you got to do is go tolink in the description of this
(26:31):
video in the show notes and signup for the whole parent email
list.
Every single week on Thursday,I send in an email.
It is full of amazing parentingcontent.
Sometimes it has to do withsomething that we've talked
about in the podcast, othertimes it's just other things,
and also when I do amazingworkshops.
I'm doing a workshop this week,but whenever you're listening
(26:51):
to this, if I have an upcomingworkshop, I'm primarily going to
talk about that on my emaillist.
So make sure that you're onthat email list so that you can
get access to all of that.
I have an upcoming book.
When pre-orders becomeavailable, the email list will
be the first people to know.
So if you are not on the wholeparent email list yet, you have
to get on it.
And the second thing is kind ofa request from me, and that's if
(27:13):
you are finding this podcasthelpful which really quickly
just jump out of the podcast appright now, not if it's your
first episode, but if you'velistened to a couple episodes
jump out of your podcast appright.
Jump out of this episode rightnow into the podcast app that
you're listening to and rate andreview the show.
I know it takes a couple ofsteps.
It's not automatic.
They make it harder than itneeds to be, but when you do
(27:34):
that, it shows that you reallyare passionate about the show
that you're listening to, if youwent through that effort to
submit a rating and a review,and so this is one of the number
one ways that the podcast appsdecide to put content out, and
so when you do that, youactually help whole parent to
grow, you help it to push tomore people so that more people
will download it, more peoplewill subscribe, more people will
(27:57):
get updates, more people canjoin the email list, and when
all of those things happen, itallows me to keep putting out
amazing content like this.
So, without further ado, let'sget back to the episode with
question number three.
All right, our third questioncomes from Alex.
He says I'm a father to aseven-year-old boy named Jacob.
Recently, jacob has beenstruggling to follow
instructions and complete hischores.
(28:18):
No matter what approach we try,he doesn't seem to grasp the
importance of responsibility infollowing rules.
It's becoming increasinglyfrustrating and I'm frustrating
and I'm worried about how togive consequences that will
resonate well with him.
Great question, alex.
I'm super excited to answer it.
Really, at the core here is theconstruct of collaborative
(28:43):
consequences, and that's what Iwant.
That's what I want to highlighthere.
I understand that many kidsdon't want to do chores.
Many kids don't like followinginstructions or abiding by
boundaries.
That is a normal kid thing tonot like to follow rules.
It's a normal kid thing to notwant to do the boring chores.
What we also know is that doingchores, having responsibilities
(29:06):
around the house, is incrediblybeneficial to kids Long-term
physical, mental, emotional andrelational health.
We know that this is a positivething.
I'm not saying that you have towork your child like they're
Cinderella.
I'm saying that having a fewthings that your child can do
can be really, really helpful inpreparing them for long-term
(29:29):
living.
I know so many parents who justdon't prioritize chores.
They just say, hey, my kid'sjob is to go to school and get
good grades or whatever.
This actually leads to kids notfeeling as committed and
connected to a family.
When you're contributing tosomething, you feel more
connected to it, and so,similarly, sitting around the
(29:49):
table at dinner time, that canbe really, really a beneficial
and helpful thing.
And so I have a couple ofpieces of advice.
The main one is we're going totalk a little bit about
collaborative consequences,which I'm sure we'll have an
entire episode about later on,but the first thing that I want
to do, before even getting intothe collaborative consequences,
is to offer that sometimes, formany kids, it is not the
(30:15):
difficulty in actually doing thechore, it is the difficulty in
remembering to do the chore, andI know that that may sound very
like an excuse for many kids.
It's not an excuse.
This is the truth.
There are many people who, forwhatever reason, the way in
which their brain functions itmakes it very, very difficult to
remember and follow throughwith menial tasks.
(30:38):
I think specifically of kidswho are ADHD, which obviously
I'm not prescribing or trying todiagnose your son or anything
of that nature.
Don't hear me doing that at all.
But for kids who are ADHD,things like chores can become
incredibly difficult, and thereason is they just have a
different way of processingdopamine in their brain and it
(30:58):
means that they don't have thesame satisfaction for doing
menial or not novel tasks, notengaging tasks, and so something
like doing the dishes orwhatever the chore may be
applicable for a seven-year-old,that becomes incredibly
difficult for them.
So just two things that I wouldsay on that note.
It's really really easy to getinto the habit of assuming that
(31:21):
your kid just doesn't want to dochores because they don't want
to.
Don't make that assumption.
Try and give your kid thebenefit of the doubt.
This is a common age-old adagethat has been co-opted by a
modern parenting creator.
But the age-old adage is thatyou want to be as generous as
possible in the way in which youview your kid.
You want to assume that theyare doing the best that they can
(31:43):
with the development and thebrain and the personality that
they have.
And so if you're going to dothat, you wouldn't just assume
that Jacob is just blowing youoff.
You would assume that, hey,this is a real struggle for
Jacob and we have to figure outa way to go about making this a
little bit less challenging.
And so the first thing would behey, how can we identify chores
(32:07):
that feel for Jacob like theseare things that can be done.
Maybe it means that you have tohave it can't be the same chore
.
Maybe it has to be the samechore, right?
Different kids are differentways.
Some kids what's more importantto them?
That they go around and they doeach chore every month or
whatever, rather than doing thesame thing all the time.
(32:28):
Other kids, for example me as achild, if I had one chore that
I was responsible for, I wasmuch more likely to be able to
actually achieve and do thatchore.
Then if I was trying to cyclethrough and I couldn't remember,
am I on dishes this week?
Am I on this this week?
Am I on this this week?
So just finding applicablechores that actually work and
(32:49):
finding chores that are notoutside of the developmental
capacity of your child.
Seven years old is pretty oldand they can do a lot of things.
They can help with so manythings.
They can get themselves snacks,they can help take out the
trash, they can even help withthings like the laundry.
But there are things likecleaning the gutters that you
should not have a seven-year-olddo, and that's a really obvious
(33:09):
example.
But there are others that arejust a little bit that they may
involve too many steps.
They may be a little bit toocomplex.
They may involve a little bittoo much critical thinking
skills.
Obviously, a little bit ofstress on that critical thinking
is gonna help them developcritical thinking.
But going beyond the little bitlike it's actually Overwhelming
to do this chore, that willhave a serious impediment and it
(33:31):
might not feel that way to you,but it can feel that way to
them.
The other thing that you can dois you can create a visual
choice chore chart, and Visualchore charts are not just lists
of chores.
There are things with likelittle animated pictures or
something like that, and anybodycan do this.
You just go online at Canva oreven just like whatever Software
is available on your computeror on your phone and you can
(33:54):
make little icons and print themout or trace them out or
whatever, and these icons canhelp you to identify what the
chores are and when it's visual,it can really really help kids
to see it and then rememberbetter, right, and so visual
chore charts are really reallyhelpful, especially things where
you can create like a picture,like, for example, this is
(34:17):
something especially again forpeople on the spectrum or ADHD
people but you can have apicture of what it looks like
when it's done.
That can be a really help,helpful visualization, but for
seven year olds, visual aids canbe super, super helpful.
The next thing that I would say, beyond finding applicable
chores and having a visual chorechart, that can be very, very
(34:37):
helpful and setting remindersyou can also have reminders and
things like that, like there areall sorts of little pieces that
you can build into the system.
The second thing and this iswhere we get into collaborative
problem-solving or collaborativediscipline or even
collaborative consequences isthat you want to involve Jacob
in the setting of the boundariesand the consequences around not
(34:57):
getting his chores done.
You want him to have agency inthat process, because any
process that he has agency in hewill be infinitely more
invested in.
This is the same thing that wewere talking about Way back in
the first question with why it'shelpful to have kids Prepare
the meal, because then they'reinvested in the process of
(35:20):
sitting down for dinner.
The same thing is true withkids setting the consequences or
the chores that they have right, so you can make the
distribution of chores reallyfun.
You can have them pick choresout of a hat or something like
that.
That's like a fun thing.
Some kids, that's reallyoverwhelming.
They don't want to do that.
But in whatever way is possible, try and find ways to have him
(35:40):
contribute to the, the settingof the, the chores and the whole
process around them, up to andincluding the consequences for
not following them.
And so what this can look likeis just simply sitting down to
your seven-year-old and saying,hey, if you don't do this, what
do you think I should do?
Or what do you think theconsequence should be?
I should have to do extra thenext week, and they may come up
(36:02):
with really ridiculous thingsthey may come up with.
Really, you know goodconsequences.
Yeah, I will lose thisprivilege or something like that
.
Whatever it is, you're gonnatry and if it's, if it's
agreeable to you, right, youhave veto power.
You don't just have to say like, well, if I don't do it, just
do nothing, right, you have vetopower.
Whatever it is, now you havehad their buy-in in the setting
(36:26):
of that consequence and they'regonna be way more susceptible to
the implementation of thatconsequence when it becomes
necessary, because they were theone who decided on it in the
first place.
They decided what theconsequence was going to be.
Whatever it is, I can't use myiPad until I get the chore done
every day, whatever, and itdoesn't have to be a consequence
(36:47):
.
That can also be the framing ofthe thing up to the point,
right, what do you want me to doto remind you to do this chore?
Well, I want you to come up tome and I want you to tell me
that the bananas are gettingrotten in the garbage can or
something like that.
Like the kids think up sillythings, tell them that.
Work within their framework,this type of collaborative
Parenting approach where you'reactually allowing them to have
(37:10):
agency and autonomy into thediscipline process, into the
teaching process, actually leadsto kids having way more
susceptibility to that teaching.
This is this is why childlearning is so important and so
and so powerful.
When a kid wants to learnsomething, they're way more
likely to learn it when a kidwants to actually get their
(37:31):
chores done because they've beenin the process of setting what
those chores are, of determiningthe, the boundaries around
those chores, of Determining theconsequences.
When we don't do those chores,whatever it is, your kid is
gonna be infinitely morebought-in, and so it.
It goes from being a thing thatmom and dad are telling me to
do.
This Right to know this issomething that I'm doing to
(37:53):
contribute to the family,because I had agency and I had
buy-in and and I had autonomy inthis process, and so that is so
, so important and effective asa parenting tool to just use
that Discipline process to givethem a sense of buy-in and
agency.
And and then one thing that Isaid that I was gonna give Sarah
(38:14):
One more thing to say with Emma, and I wanted to also say this
to you when kids get upset, thetime to discipline is not in
that moment, and so, whetherit's with Emma the
three-year-old or with Jacob theseven-year-old, when kids get
upset and they kind of panic,freak out, do whatever.
(38:34):
That is not the moment to try,and you know, enact some form of
discipline.
Wait till cooler heads prevailBefore you try and go forward
with any sort of consequence, oryou know you may have to hold a
boundary.
Obviously you don't want tojust let your kid get hurt or
hurt someone else or destroyproperty etc.
But as far as the actualteaching moments or the
(38:56):
consequence Delivery or any ofthat, you can always wait until
your child is calm.
And so if Jacob is reallyreally struggling with his
chores, even after you've doneeverything that we're talking
about and it is going to have tobe a hard conversation about,
you know, we just have to dothese responsible things.
Wait until there's there's amoment where that actually is
not going to be a heavilycharged Moment, right, whether
(39:19):
it's you who needs to a coolerhead to prevail or whether it's
your child, don't try anddiscipline in the moment to the
extent of, of you know,lecturing, teaching, whatever
above and beyond what isnecessary to keep your child
safe.
And it's always better to havethose conversations later, when
cooler heads are available andwhen the discipline is going to
(39:39):
take far better route becausethey have, more literally, more
blood flow going to the learningcenters of their brain, they're
gonna literally be able tointerpret that and embody that
in a much more healthy andeffective way.
So I hope that these ways ofthinking about discipline and
consequences and boundaries havekind of been a taste test or a
starter to this conversation,because we are gonna have so
(40:02):
many more episodes aboutdiscipline and consequences and
boundaries.
These are kind of thefundamentals of parenting.
This is where a lot of ourparenting is put to the test.
This is where a lot of us goback into our childhood wounds.
This is where a lot of us youdon't wanna default to
punishment or whatever else as ameans of gaining control.
This is also the place where wecan do the most amazing and
(40:24):
transformative work that is,cycle breaking, not only for our
children but for generations tocome, and so we're gonna have
so many more episodes on this.
But I hope that these threequestions started that
conversation and encourage allof you out there in Podcast
World to ask more questions and,on that note, as we end this
episode, I wanted to offer you anew place that you can submit
(40:45):
questions.
So far we've been gettingquestions inside the membership.
Some of these have come fromthe membership and also just on
social media.
But the new place that you cansubmit questions to if you want
your question to be answered onthe Whole Parent Podcast, is you
can just send them directly topodcast at wholeparentacademycom
.
So that's podcast atwholeparentacademycom and that
(41:06):
is where you can send a questionlaid out like this just make
sure that you say your name, theage of your child and, if you
would prefer, your child's name.
Some people don't give theirchild's name.
You can give a fake name if youwant.
Sometimes it's just easier forme to talk about it in the way,
and I have on occasion changednames when a parent has said hey
, I don't wanna give my realname especially parents in the
(41:27):
membership I don't wanna give myreal name or my child's real
name.
If it's gonna be on the podcast, we don't have to give your
real name.
We can give you a fake name forthe purpose of this, but you'll
know, because the rest of yourquestion will be the same.
So if you have questions, pleasepodcast at
wholeparentacademycom.
That will now be in thedescription as a place that you
can go in the show notes, Ishould say, or the description,
depending on where you'rewatching this where you can
(41:49):
email those questions to.
And you'll go in the log of thequestions that we get and we
try and answer as many questionsas possible, doing this twice a
week.
So I'm so glad that each andevery one of you has been asking
all these questions that we'vebeen able to answer in these
amazing ways.
So thank you all for doing thatso much.
It's been just a joy to do thispodcast so far.
(42:11):
And one last note, just areminder as we conclude, that if
you have not yet, you know, ifyou didn't take my advice at the
mid-roll portion of the showwith the little interlude, to go
and rate and review thispodcast and share it with a
friend.
I didn't say that in thisepisode, but you can share this
with someone who's strugglingwith these things.
Perhaps you have somebody inyour life who's really having a
(42:31):
difficulty with a toddlerthrowing, hitting, biting, that
type of thing or a person who'sstruggling to get their grade
school, grade school, or to dochores or sit at the dinner
table.
If you have those people inyour life, even if it's you
share this with someone, shareit with your partner, share it
with your friends, because themore that parents can have this
information, the more that wecan know better.
We can do better, and that isour goal, right, so do all of
(42:55):
those things.
Thank you, beautiful people.
We'll see you on the next one.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.