March 6, 2024 • 45 mins
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Struggling with sibling rivalry? Learn effective ways to foster harmony and connection among your children.
Episode Number:
Description: In this episode of the Whole Parent Podcast, Jon tackles the topic of sibling relationships and how to navigate common challenges. Whether it's dealing with sibling rivalry, sharing space and toys, or finding activities that all your kids can enjoy together, Jon offers practical advice and answers listener questions to help create a more peaceful and connected family dynamic.
Timestamps:
00:00 - Introduction & The Challenge of Sibling Rivalry
00:43 - Overview: Parenting Siblings Better
02:23 - Ashley’s Question: Newborn and Older Sibling Dynamics
13:35 - Steven’s Question: Shared Space and Toy Conflicts
23:49 - Kimberly’s Question: Activities for Kids of Different Ages
Key Takeaways:
- Understanding Sibling Rivalry:
- Sibling rivalry is natural and often stems from a need for attention and connection.
- Individual, targeted attention for each child can significantly reduce rivalry.
- Effective Strategies:
- Provide special attention to each child during key times of the day.
- Schedule one-on-one time with each child to strengthen individual bonds.
- Encourage open-ended play to foster creativity and cooperation.
- Managing Shared Spaces and Belongings:
- Allow children to have personal items that are off-limits to siblings.
- Use communal rules for shared toys and spaces to prevent conflicts.
- Balancing Activities for Different Ages:
- Choose activities that are open-ended and allow each child to participate at their level.
- Avoid competitive activities that can lead to resentment and frustration.
Links to Resources Mentioned:
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- Share: Share this episode with friends and family, especially those who struggle with sibling rivalry.
Episode Transcript: The full transcript of this episode is available here.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jon @wholeparent (00:00):
They're lobbying for connection in the
same way that you would lobbyfor connection If your partner
all of a sudden started hangingout with another person too much
.
You'd probably lobby thatconnection.
I mean, if your partner camehome and said, hey, you know,
I'm going to, I'm going to gospend a bunch of time with this
other woman and she's from workand there's nothing going on.
You know I don't love you anyless, I promise, but.
But I'm going to spend 90% ofthe time that I was spending
with you I'm going to spend withher now.
(00:20):
You would do whatever you couldto get that attention back and
so understand that that'ssomewhat similar to what your
child's experiencing and so givethat target attention or go a
really, really long way.
(00:43):
Hello and welcome to the wholeparent podcast.
I am your host, my name is Johnat whole parent on all the
social media and this is yourpodcast.
All about how you can parentmore effectively kids of all
ages, but especially young kids,and in this case, today's
episode we're going to betalking about how we can parent
siblings better.
You know this is one of thequestions that is most often
(01:07):
asked, and I'm probably going todo an upcoming workshop about
this sometime in the summer.
So if you're not yet on theemail list so that you can get
more information about upcomingworkshops and things like that,
please go ahead and do that.
It's in the show notes.
It's the first link.
It's my stand store, whichwhich you can look at other
things that I have on there, but, most importantly, is a link
right there to the email list.
(01:27):
You can just put your firstname and your email in.
It's totally free.
On Thursdays I send out awesomeemails, which sometimes
includes some information aboutupcoming events, like a live
workshop or a live training, andI'm definitely going to be
doing one about siblings.
But before that, I wanted toanswer on the podcast three
questions from parents, as we doalmost every single week three
(01:48):
questions from parents aboutsiblings and sibling rivalry,
sibling conflict, and so,without further ado, I am just
going to dive right into ourquestions for this morning or
whatever you're listening to it.
You might be listening in theafternoon or evening, I suppose,
but I'm going to dive rightinto our questions and we're
going to.
The three questions this weekcome from Ashley, steven and
(02:10):
Kimberly.
So if you are Ashley, Steven orKimberly, please make sure that
you tune in and listen.
I did have somebody let me knowthe other day.
Hey, I almost didn't listen tothe episode about my question
because I didn't realize that myquestion was going to be asked.
So, yeah, make sure that you areactually listening, especially
if you've submitted questionsand if you're looking to submit
questions.
All you got to do is emailthose questions.
You know the format, you knowtell me your name and how old
(02:33):
your kid is, and it can be aquestion about anything related
to parenting.
You just submit it to podcastsat podcast, not podcasts podcast
singular atwholeparentacademycom.
So podcast atwholeparentacademycom it's the
easiest way that you can submita question.
You can, of course, dm me onInstagram or other places like
that as well, but I'm lesslikely to see it.
(02:54):
If you send it to podcast atwholeparentacademycom, I am
guaranteed to see it, and then Ican make sure that your
question goes into the righttheme and category and then I
answer it live on the podcast.
So this first question comesfrom Ashley.
She says she has two childrenElla, who's nine weeks old, and
Maya, who's six.
So five year roughly, or Iguess more like a six year age
(03:14):
gap.
And since then, she says sincethe birth of our new baby, maya
has been feeling neglected andconstantly competes for my
attention.
It's causing tension in ourfamily.
How can I address the issue ofsibling rivalry and help Maya
feel less neglected whileensuring I'm meeting the needs
of all of my children, includingthe newborn?
(03:35):
This is a question that Ialmost put I would have put, had
I had it back then into the newbaby episode, which, if you
didn't know this, I have anentire episode devoted to
sibling issues related to newbabies, and that is one that I
did several weeks ago, so youcan go in and listen to that and
get more information.
But the real thing I reallywant to focus in here, ashley,
(03:58):
on how Maya feels, and you'realready identifying for us that
Maya feels neglected, right, andI think that that's an
important piece of this.
A lot of parents don't get thisright away.
When you bring home a new baby,there is a level of competition
and rivalry that's going toexist, and this is true at five
year age gaps, six year age gaps.
(04:18):
It's even more true, typically,of smaller age gaps two years,
three years which tend to be atleast in my experience, a little
bit more common.
So what happens is you know youhaven't competing force come
into the family and the olderchild may be really into the
baby initially, may have nointerest in the baby initially.
It can vary, it depends, butwhat ultimately winds up
(04:41):
happening is that the attentionpaid to that older child is
lessened, and this is normal andnatural and it's not a bad
thing for the older child.
It's a good thing, in fact,it's good to learn to find new
ways to connect with yourparents.
At six years old, I'm guessingthat Maya is already in school
and so there's there are a lotof things here that we can
(05:03):
really hone in on.
But the first thing and themost important thing and I think
I said this in the new babyepisode, but I really, really
want to stress it here becausethis is true for all sibling
relationships is that one of thegreat cures to sibling rivalry
very, very simple cures tosibling rivalry is to pay
special attention to bothchildren individually.
(05:25):
In this case, paying specialattention to the older child,
the six-year-old, is going to bemassively important, especially
because they're going to befeeling with the nine-week-old
like man everything.
As soon as the nine-week-oldneeds something, mom drops
everything and goes to them, andthere is a truth to that.
To be honest, like new, babiesdo require more immediate
(05:48):
attention typically thansix-year-olds.
Six-year-olds have a degree ofpatience, the things that they
need from us, they aren't asimmediate and so because of that
, unless they're, you know, insome sort of imminent safety
risk which is a threat which, bythe way, kids will actually go
out and seek those ways.
They'll seek endangeringactivity or risky behaviors to
(06:08):
try and get your attention.
If you don't provide thatattention without them going
about those means, kids willalso start to whine.
They'll also do this thingwhere they kind of revert to a
younger stage although that thatcan happen with six-year-olds
anyway where they start doinglike a baby talk thing or they,
you know, it can look a lot ofdifferent ways, but that's the
most common one that I found isthat the baby talk thing was
(06:29):
like I need help.
You know things that they'dnever needed help with.
They've known how to put theirshoes on since they were four,
but now all of a sudden theyneed help because this new baby
comes around and really theseare all attention-seeking
behaviors and that does not.
Don't hear that as a negative.
Attention-seeking is justconnection-seeking at its core.
Kids need that connection.
(06:50):
We need that attention.
When adults feel neglected by aspouse or a partner, we we
demand their attention and wecan engage in some problematic
behaviors as well.
So this is a normal human drivefor attention and for
connection, and soattention-seeking behaviors
don't hear that negative orconnotated, but kids who are six
(07:10):
years old will do that Well.
One of the main ways that we cankind of I don't want to say
eliminate, but we can curb thattype of behavior is by actually
providing intentional attentionat the pivotal moments, and some
of these pivotal moments are,you know, like first thing in
the morning when you'resix-year-old gets up, when Maya
is awake.
I understand you might beexhausted.
You have a nine-week old.
(07:30):
Probably sleep is is a thing ofthe past for you in some ways,
although I hope that you'regetting as much sleep as you can
.
But just try.
And when Maya gets up in themorning, spend five intentional
minutes if it's possible.
Can you leave the baby with apartner?
Can you, you know, be sodistant from the baby at least a
(07:51):
little bit distant from thebaby that you're able to get up
without waking them and go toMaya when she wakes up and
provide this really targetedattention.
The same thing is true ofbedtime how can we provide
targeted attention at bedtime?
And the same thing is true whenshe gets home from school.
How can we provide targetedattention when she gets home
from school?
By doing these three reallyseemingly simple things, you can
(08:13):
go all long way In kind ofeliminating some of this sibling
attention seeking behavior,because now your child is
feeling like, hey, I'm gettingthe connection that I need and
I've said this so many times, Isaid it on the podcast with Eli,
if you didn't catch that one onsecure attachment, which would
be a great one for you to listento as well but but I've said
(08:35):
this so many different ways andso many different times, but
I'll just say it one more timehere, if you've never heard the
podcast before.
Your kids want all of yourattention some of the time.
It's much better to give themall of your attention some of
the time than some of yourattention all of the time.
So if you're constantly engagedwith the screen, if you're
constantly engaged with thesibling, I understand that this
is the stage of life.
There is a certain level ofnewborn hood where you're just
(08:58):
kind of embracing the suck oflife.
It's not perfect.
There's a lot of you knowthings that go undone.
You're not going to do yourtaxes in the nine weeks that
you're after your baby is born.
You're not going to probablyhave a very clean house.
You're not going to be able totalk a lot of nutritious food,
that's okay.
We're just embracing this.
This period, I like to say thefirst three months are a
(09:18):
crapshoot.
You just survive them and thenyou get through, but that's not
fair to your six year old tojust let her survive.
And so how do we do this?
We provide that targetedattention, really really
specific attention, threedifferent times throughout the
day.
Like I said, those three timesare going to pay much higher
dividends.
These are kind of the bonustimes where your attention that
you give them is perceived at amuch higher rate.
(09:40):
This is based on a study byJacques Panc staff where he said
that these are the kind of thethree main areas of connection,
or the three main times ofconnection for kids with their
parents, again, when they wakeup, when they wake up when they
go to bed and when theyreconnect with you after being
gone at school or daycare orwhatever.
And so that targeted attentionis going to be huge.
The second thing that's going tobe huge is I know at nine weeks
(10:03):
we're starting to get into theplace where maybe mom's getting
out, mom's going and doingthings.
Can we find a way to have a momand Maya date?
Can we do that?
Can we find a way to say 30minutes it doesn't have to be a
big thing, but I'm going outwith my six-year-old just us two
(10:25):
we're going out in the town andbe willing to go a little bit
extra.
Maybe you get ice cream, maybeyou go to a place that you don't
maybe reserve for specialoccasions, whatever.
Try and make this a reallypositive experience.
Don't put a lot of expectationsin stock in it.
That might be the moment whenMaya blows up because she
(10:46):
finally feels like she has yourfull attention and connection
and now she's going to melt downbecause she finally feels like
I have mom's attention.
So don't put a lot of stock andexpectation into how that's
going to go, but just show upand be conscious and be present
for Maya and that mom anddaughter date and really lavish
some connection on her.
We don't have to lavish a lotof things.
(11:08):
Really, what our kids want mostfrom us is our attention.
A lot of parents, when a newbaby comes around, they try and
buy the affection of their olderchild by giving them this or
that or letting them do theseextra things.
There's zero judgment for that.
But the reason why it doesn'ttypically work is because what
they're looking for is not yourstuff.
They're looking for yourattention.
(11:29):
You've highlighted that andyou've said I know that she's
looking for attention.
How do I provide that attention?
Because, for lack of betterterms, it's kind of easy.
You provide that attention, butdon't get in your head that you
have to give 100% of yourattention to Maya all the time
and you need to neglect the baby.
That's obviously not the truth.
That's not what you need to do.
You're probably still going togive 90% of your time 95% of
(11:50):
your time to your baby, but howcan we give that additional 5%
to Maya in a really targeted way?
Another really great thing to doduring those periods of
connection, or if maybe dad andbaby can go off or another
caregiver and baby can go offfor a period of time, is to sit
down and do some interactivecreative play.
6 years old, they're stillgenerally into creative play.
(12:13):
If they're not, let's try andget them back into creative play
.
It's really really good fordevelopment, brain development,
all this other stuff, emotionalregulation.
Sit down and actually do thatcreative play.
It might be so painful for you,but can you do it for 5 minutes
I think you can.
So sit down, actually do thattargeted creative play and I
think the attention thing isgoing to be really really, on
(12:34):
the back end, much, much easierto handle.
So I've kind of answered thatquestion before in the past, but
I wanted to hit that firstbecause a lot of people this is
one of the most common questionsI get in different forms on DMs
and stuff New baby, my olderchild and again I have a whole
episode on this but my olderchild is acting aggressively or
demanding my attention, etc.
All of that stuff is attentionseeking and it's a natural
(12:57):
attention seeking and it's notbad that they're doing it, it's
good.
They're lobbying for connectionin the same way that you would
lobby for connection If yourpartner all of a sudden started
hanging out with another persontoo much.
You'd probably lobby thatconnection.
I mean, if your partner camehome and said, hey, I'm going to
go spend a bunch of time withthis other woman and she's from
work and there's nothing goingon.
(13:18):
I don't love you any less, Ipromise, but I'm going to spend
90% of the time that I wasspending with you I'm going to
spend with her now.
You would do whatever you couldto get that attention back, and
so understand that that'ssomewhat similar to what your
child's experiencing.
So give that targeted attentionand it'll go a really really
long way.
Number two Steven says and thisis funny because my dad was
(13:38):
named Steven and spelled thesame way I have two sons named
Matt, age eight, and Kevin, agesix.
Well, my Matt is age seven, soI really like this question.
They share a bedroom and latelyit's become a battleground.
They constantly argue overspace and toys.
It's causing a lot of tensionbetween them.
We don't have space for them tohave their own rooms.
How can I help my sons learn toshare their space and
(13:59):
belongings peacefully, withoutconstant conflicts?
This is a really great question.
I'm going to call you Stevejust because that's how's my dad
and I can't get it out.
I can't call somebody Stevenanymore.
I know that that's probably bad, it's just locked in my brain
forever.
So, steve, this is a reallyreally good question and it's
really common of kids this ageto go through this.
(14:21):
What's mine, what's yours?
It happens in toddlerhood forsure.
My do, I do, mine, mine, mine,no, no, no, all of that.
But the actual time where thistends to really manifest and
rear up is in that early gradeschool age six years old to
eight years old and so you havea six year old and you have an
(14:43):
eight year old, and so they'reboth going through this
experience, but they're goingthrough it on opposite ends of
the spectrum.
And this is the thing with twoyear age gaps.
We can talk about the benefitsof different age gaps.
There is no perfect age gapbetween kids.
The five year age gap can be somuch easier in so many ways,
(15:05):
but then you're also there'sother complications with that.
And how do you build deepconnection between people who
are, you know, really quitedifferent in age and different
in stage of development?
With the two year age gap, alot of parents come in thinking
I'm going to have a playmate formy kid and that there's a truth
to that.
Two to three years you canreally play well.
(15:25):
Even under two years you canplay well with your sibling.
However, also, developmentalstages get really complicated
because one kid will be.
They can find themselves inkind of the same developmental
stage but on different ends ofthat.
So, just remembering that bothof them are in a developmental
stage where sharing andunderstanding who's is who's and
what belongs to whom, that isgoing to be a big thing for them
(15:47):
, and a lot of parents do thispoorly.
In fact, this is one of thethings that I don't know that my
parents necessarily didparticularly well, but a lot of
parents do this really poorly,and the way that they do that is
by saying everybody has toshare everything.
Right, everybody has to shareeverything, and that is a really
(16:07):
good way to make kids feelsuper insecure about what
belongs to them and what, whatthey have agency and autonomy
over.
And you don't share everythingwith your kid, right?
You don't share everything withyour partner.
You might say, well, no, yeah,we do.
We live in the same house, welive in the same bedroom, we,
you know, have shared bankaccount.
We share everything.
(16:27):
They're going to have to learnto do that.
Two things Number one you chosethat person right.
And if you guys could not getalong?
And if you guys could not sharea bedroom?
And if you guys could not sharethings and if you guys could
not agree on anything, you couldjust have chosen to not be with
that person.
Your childhood did not make thatchoice.
You had two kids, adopted twokids.
(16:48):
However, however, your familywas formed blended families that
come together and there's twokids of different ages or even
the same age.
You, as the adult, made thechoice.
These are going to be the agegap.
Here's going to be our kids.
Beyond that, your kid has nosay in whether they had siblings
or not.
Your oldest had no say inwhether you had younger siblings
.
Even if you say that you askedthem, they were like what?
Two, maybe five, maybe even 10.
(17:10):
They had no say.
You were going to make thatchoice on your own.
They had no say.
And because they had no say,you have to understand that it's
going to be a slightlydifferent thing.
And beyond that, you stilldon't share everything with your
spouse.
I can guarantee you that youdon't share a phone with your
spouse.
Me and my wife share a laptopcomputer.
We have two computers in ourhome.
We have a desktop and a laptop.
She tends to never use thedesktop.
(17:31):
I tend to use it a lot more forthings like video editing and
recording podcasts and stufflike that.
But she also has a laptop andsometimes I have to use laptop,
especially when I'm trying tohalf work downstairs but also
keep an eye on the older kids.
I can tell you right now we getinto conflicts about where
stuff is stored on the laptopand how that I like to store my
files this way and she storesthem this way.
It's hard.
(17:51):
It's hard to share things withpeople.
You probably don't, like I said,share a cell phone with your
partner.
You wouldn't want them goingthrough your phone and change
everything around, move anythingaround, and so, understanding
that it is a natural humandesire to have some kind of
personal property that belongsto you, it's that is natural and
(18:14):
okay to have unique,sentimental things that belong
to you.
And if parents don't respectthat normal, natural desire for
kids to have those types ofpersonal things, then the kids
will then go out seeking thatstuff everywhere all the time.
So if you don't allow your kidto have a certain number of
(18:38):
things that are just theirs,that belong to just them, then
they will look out in the worldand try and claim anything that
they can.
On the contrary, if you do whatI'm going to recommend here,
with kids who are 6 and 8sharing a room, if you do this
effectively, you're not going tohave this happen.
(18:58):
So here's what I would recommenddoing, and this can look a
couple different ways, itdepends on how you do it, but I
would say, at 6 and 8, you canhave a sit down and have a
conversation with both of them.
You can have a sit down andhave a conversation.
You can have a sit down andhave a conversation and you can
give both of them a box or ashelf.
Those are the two options A boxor a shelf, and in their room,
(19:19):
and this box is going to gosomewhere.
It's going to have their nameon it.
Whatever, you can even put alock on it if you want to put a
key on it, but you don't have to.
You're going to give each ofthem a box or a shelf and
anything that they put that theyget that goes on.
That box or shelf is theirs.
Now we're not going to do likea draft or a free for all.
(19:40):
This is going to relate togenerally sentimental things.
You have a stuffed rhino thatyou really like.
You have a blanket from whenyou were born.
These are the types of thingsthat you can put on the box or
the shelf.
Well, john, what do you do aboutnew toys?
When you bring a new toy intothe home, we tend to get out
most of our toys secondhand.
What do you do with that?
(20:00):
We set the expectations upfront.
If my kids are getting a $1 car, a hot wheels car, from the
grocery store, they can claim.
If they're both getting one,they can claim hey, do we want
these to be something that weshare or something that goes in
our box?
What happens when you fill thebox?
You've got to take stuff out ofthe box.
(20:21):
That's right.
We're not going to have anunlimited.
You're not going to accumulate,you're not going to be smough
in the dungeon or in the cave.
Who accumulates all yourtreasure and then you don't let
anybody else touch it.
There's going to be a setnumber of things.
I bet you, when they go intothat box, now that they feel
really secure that anything inthat box will not be touched by
(20:42):
the other sibling, now that theyfeel really secure in that,
it'll be amazing to you how muchmore willingly they take stuff
out of that box and allow it togo back into the general store.
So then, anything that isn't inthose boxes is what I call
communally owned toys, whichmeans that we've got to work out
a way to share, whether that'swith timers, that's a really
(21:05):
good tool to use.
I have a parent who I'm friendswith who just says you know, as
long as you're playing with it,there's no time limit you can
play with it.
But when you're done, the otherperson gets their turn and you
can't just immediately go oh,now I see what you're doing with
it and I want it back.
I like what you're doing and Isee that.
And that tends to happen withyounger siblings, with older
(21:27):
siblings, is that the youngerone will be playing with
something and then they getbored of it, because they tend
to get bored a little bit morequickly.
I mean, personality comes intofactor here too, but you know,
six-year-olds are more likely toget bored or something than an
eight-year-old.
Generally they get bored ofsomething and then they go off
and play with something else.
The eight-year-old goes andpicks it up and finds out
something new to do with it or anew fun way to play with it,
(21:49):
because they're a little bit,maybe a little bit more advanced
.
And then the six-year-old goesoh, I see that.
Now I want that back.
Well, in this parent's way ofdoing things, that was a
non-factor because you couldtake a 20-minute turn.
But as soon as you put it down,as soon as you're kind of done
with it, then the older sibling,or the other sibling I should
say, gets to play with it forthat period of time and you
(22:09):
can't play with all the thingsat once.
There's some dividing up of thatand this does not tend to work
well with screens, by the way,because of the nature of screens
of being so constantlystimulating.
If you have like, okay, yourturn with the iPad, your turn
with the iPad.
They can take such long.
I mean you should have limitson that and timing around that
anyway, probably beyond that,and that's a whole different
(22:31):
separate screen type of thing.
But with toys and physicalobjects this tends to work well.
So timers can be the way, butthe communally shared objects
are going to be much more easilyand welcomed much more easily
and much more effectivelycommunally shared.
So just remember this.
If your kids, who are siblings,are really, really struggling
(22:52):
with a conflict, a lot of thatcomes from where do I end?
Where is my stuff?
How do I have agency?
Where is my attention comingfrom?
And the other one's feeling thesame way.
And so if you don't give themthat agency, if you don't give
(23:13):
them that personalresponsibility of these or your
things, if you don't give themthat individual, targeted
attention, then what's going tohappen is they're going to
continue to struggle.
But as soon as you fulfillthose basic needs, you'll notice
how, on the backside mucheasier that is.
Until you meet the basic needsof your kids, they will continue
(23:37):
to seek having those basicneeds met with problematic
behavior, which includes siblinginfighting.
So just remember that and Ithink that you're going to be a
lot, lot better off, steve, withyour two little ones.
The last question I have hereand I'm already realizing that
we're going to have a bunch moreepisodes on siblings, so I'm
just going to call this episodesibling part one.
The last question I have herecomes from Kimberly.
(23:59):
But before we do that, I wantto give you a quick PSA, which
is you guys know this is comingif you're a long time listener
of the podcast, so I'm going todo it really, really fast.
Please, please, please.
If you have not gone in andrated and reviewed the podcast.
Yet what are you doing?
You got to go do it.
If this is your first episode,no worries.
But if you've been listening totwo episodes, five episodes, if
(24:21):
you've been a subscriber fromthe beginning, please, I'm going
to keep asking.
And the reason I keep asking isbecause this is the way the
podcast grows.
The way the podcast grows is byyou doing two things.
Number one rating and reviewingthe podcast.
Number two sharing it with yourfriends, either on social media
or interpersonally.
And so if you can do that,please, please, please, please,
pause the episode right now.
(24:41):
It's going to hold your place.
Whatever podcast app you'relistening on, it's going to hold
your place.
Go into Apple Podcasts, go intoSpotify, rate and review the
episode.
I know they make it moredifficult than it needs to be,
but find the place to do it.
It's a couple of buttons.
Write me a little review.
I read every single review thatcomes into the podcast.
Personally, I'm an assistantdoing it.
(25:02):
It's just me out here.
I make all these, I produce allthese on my own.
I will read your review andyour insights and you know, hey,
I really like the episode onsiblings.
Let's do more of those.
You write that in a review.
I'll know this is the type ofstuff I should be talking about
and I should, and I'm going tocontinue to talk about it.
So last question again comesfrom Kimberly, and she has three
(25:23):
kids, and so now we're gettinginto the more complex family
dynamics.
She says I have three kids,amanda, who's 10, carson, who's
seven, and Allie, who is three.
It's becoming increasinglychallenging to find activities
that they all enjoy togetherbecause of the age, of their
developmental differences.
Amanda feels like she'soutgrown certain games.
Carson and Allie feel like theycan't keep up with her
interests.
How can I offer a moreinclusive environment to help my
(25:45):
children of varying ages findcommon ground in activities that
they all enjoy together?
Really, really, really goodquestion, kimberly.
You know I really really harpon and on about this, so I'm
going to get up on my soapboxhere for a moment.
But what you're trying to do isso massively important.
There is no.
(26:06):
We'll have an entire episode inthe future, I'm sure, about
sibling, conflict, fighting, howwe can prevent some fighting.
We already had one questionthat kind of gets into that with
the how do we share spacewithout tearing each other apart
?
We're going to have an entireepisode about this in the future
and what I'm going to say overand over in that episode.
What I'm going to say to youright now is that there is no
(26:28):
way to prevent all fightingbetween siblings.
There is no way you have twounique persons living under the
same roof.
These people again did notagree to live with each other.
They're being forced into thissituation with people who they
probably share some similaritiesand many Great personality
(26:50):
differences.
Also, this is the safe place Ihope for for your kids is in the
home with you, which means thevulnerabilities are gonna come
out.
This is where Maybe I don't actout at school because I'm not
super comfortable.
I don't know how that's gonnabe received by my friends and my
teachers.
We've got no problem being myworst self at home.
(27:12):
Adults we do this to.
Fighting is gonna happen,hopefully not physical violence,
unless it's, you know, rough,rough housing and that's all
good.
I'll have a talk about thatmore later but fighting is going
to happen and Because fightinghappens, our only way to
navigate that is number one wecan prevent some of it, like
I'll talk about in futureepisodes.
Number two we can learn how tofight fair, which again is
(27:34):
another episode in and of itself.
How do we navigate siblingconflicts?
Well, and I'm sure I'll talkabout that a ton in the workshop
when I do that sometime thissummer.
But number three, we also haveto balance out the other side of
the equation.
What do I mean by balance outthe other side of the equation
when the?
What Dan Siegel, one of myfavorite parenting experts,
(27:55):
talks about, is that there arethese studies that have been
done on siblings, and?
And what if he identifies thesame thing that I've just
identified, which is there is noway to completely Eliminate all
fighting from a family?
It just doesn't happen.
Siblings are gonna have rivalry.
They're gonna have in fighting.
Yes, there's a lot we can do toprevent that, to tame it, to
make it better to, you know,take the claws off at some of
(28:15):
that fighting, but in generalthey're going to go at it.
Sometimes they're not gonnaalways agree.
What's really predictive offuture lifelong friendship
between siblings has nothing todo with how much they fight.
It's whether the positiveexperiences of childhood
Associated with that otherperson outweigh the negative
ones.
So how many times did you findyourself experiencing true joy,
(28:38):
happiness, enjoyment in thepresence of your sibling?
If the answer is, more timesthan I found myself Hating that
person and hating my life whileI was around them, then you're
gonna wind up having a long-termfriendship and relationship.
If the majority of yourrelationship is Is negative,
then later in life it's gonna bemuch, much harder to foster
(28:58):
healthy, long-term, lifelongfriendship between siblings.
And so what you're asking,kimberly, is a great question on
so many different levels,because what you're really
fundamentally asking here is howcan I have my kids Enjoy each
other's presence right?
And so I'm gonna give you threereally, really quick tips for
this.
Number one is that we have toget the play to be more
open-ended and less closed endedplay.
(29:21):
So play that has a naturalProgression, like a board game,
like this, is how we play thegame.
Here are the rules.
That stuff tends to be veryage-dependent.
Probably the easiest example ofthis is a puzzle.
If you give a puzzle designedfor it your three-year-old To
(29:41):
your I'm sorry, I'm forgettingthe ages of your kids.
Now, if you give it a puzzledesigned for your three-year-old
to your seven-year-old, theyare going to struggle Deeply to.
I'm sorry, if you give athree-year-old the puzzle
designed for a seven-year-old,they're gonna struggle too much
to do it for it to be fun, butthey're probably not gonna be
able to do it unless they'revery gifted in some way.
If you give the same puzzle fordesign for your three-year-old
(30:01):
To your seven-year-old, instead,reverse that.
It's gonna be too easy and it'snot gonna be fun.
Now add your ten-year-old intothe mix.
If you give your three-year-oldPuzzle to your ten-year-old,
it's it's like mom, what are yougiving me this for?
I don't get it, I don't needthis.
And so that's a close-ended toy.
It has a developmental capacity.
Here is the window ofdevelopment where it makes sense
(30:23):
and Ten-year-olds can start toget into that adult
developmental stage where theycan actually play games with us
that are designed for adults.
It might be additionallychallenging for them, but they
can do things that are that aredevelopmentally kind of leveling
up and so that type ofclose-ended play.
Here's the start, here's thefinish, here's how you do the
puzzle or here's how you playthe game or or anything like
(30:45):
that.
Video games, whatever.
That stuff is really reallyhard to Do kind of inter I'm
gonna call it intergenerational,but it's not.
But interactive age barrier,you know development crossing.
Now take that and say you let'sgo build a fort in the woods,
something so open-endedSomething, so this can look
(31:07):
totally different for aseven-year-old than a
three-year-old, than aten-year-old, and that type of
open-ended, imaginative stuffwhich, by the way, your
ten-year-old can stillabsolutely do.
It's just that oftentimesten-year-olds, because they
cross into the developmental agewhere, all of a sudden, you
know the world has so many moreofferings for them, we forget
(31:27):
that they have a capacity to dothis open-ended play and then we
just kind of focus.
Really, every time we play withthem it's Monopoly or Zari or
whatever.
You don't have to do that.
You can actually go into theirspace and go hey, I want you to
come along here, we're gonna do,you know, we're gonna act out a
story together, doing plays,doing whatever.
That type of stuff can bereally, really impactful and
(31:49):
positive.
And that can be this open-endedtype of play or building with
Legos.
A three-year-old might need touse Duplos, but we can all build
with Legos together.
Seven-year-olds and theten-year-old are using, you know
, actual Lego size Legos.
The three-year-old may be usingDuplos, but everybody's
building together and, by theway, the adults can too.
(32:10):
Now we're practicing sharedenjoyment, which is
developmentally appropriate foreach kid, without forcing them
into these close-ended things.
And this is where I really don'twant you, what I really don't
want you to do.
And this is tip number twoResist the urge to say you pick
this time, you'll pick next time.
This actually does the exactopposite of what we want with
(32:32):
our kids.
That means that theseven-year-old, who really
doesn't like what we're doingbecause the ten-year-old picked
or the three-year-old picked nowresents that activity.
And the opposite is true.
Maybe the three-year-old'shaving the time of their life,
but the ten-year-old and theseven-year-old are not having
fun right now.
And because they're not havingfun, this has created the
opposite experience.
(32:53):
Now it's man, if my littlesibling was not around, my life
would be better.
Resist all types of activitiesthat make one kid feel Now,
sometimes this is going to beimpossible to resist altogether.
You're going to have to allowfor that.
Sometimes kids need to learnpatience too.
They're going to have to learntaking turns and sharing and all
(33:13):
that other stuff.
But when you're really tryingto do these family engagement
activities, resist the urge todo the.
You pick the movie this night,you'll pick the movie next week.
You'll pick the movie that.
That creates a lot ofcompetition and hostility.
That's unnecessary.
So instead, look for things thatare super open-ended.
The other thing you can do isgo to a place like a trampoline
(33:34):
park, right, and you can say heylook, each of you are going to
engage in this activity at adifferent level.
The 10-year-old might be offhere trying to do the like Ninja
Warrior course, while theseven-year-old is much more
content to do like the, you know, jumping into the foam pit.
And the three-year-old mightjust be content to just bounce
up and down and scream theirhead off Like that can.
But you're all having fun inthe same place at the same time
(33:57):
and you get in the car and yougo wow, that was fun.
That's a great example ofopen-ended play that's
developmentally appropriate forall kids.
And so you know, just start towrite down a list.
You don't have to be supercreative.
Adults require novelty, kidsrequire predictability.
You don't have to be supercreative.
You can do.
You know.
You get a membership to someplace and you can do that thing
(34:18):
every single week.
That's fine.
Your kids are not going to fall, true, for that you know.
But find those places, and I'mthe evidence of this.
There were places.
I was the three-year-old withmy seven-year-old and
10-year-old older brothers.
I was that.
I actually was zero years old,when my brother was 10 and my
other brother was seven.
And yet my parents stilloccasionally found places where
(34:41):
all of us could be having fun atthe same time, and when they
did that, those were the momentsof family fun that really,
really positively impacted mylife in a really unique way.
And now, even to this day, Ican find really positive
experiences with my olderbrothers Not that they didn't
always, you know, they foughtwith each other.
They were closer in age.
Nobody really fought with mebecause I was so much younger,
(35:01):
but my brothers definitelyfought with each other.
But those positive experiencesreally outbalanced and
outweighed those things.
And my third tip here, with thethree-age gap thing right, the
first one is find open-endedactivities.
The second one is resist theurge to do the you, your turn,
your turn, your turn thing.
The third thing is really tryand reduce as much as you can
(35:22):
competition.
I am a big advocate forcompetition in general.
I think competition can be areally enjoyable thing.
It's very.
I'm an extremely competitiveperson.
I love competition myself.
Maybe that's just like the.
You know the guy in me, the kidraised in the 90s.
I like to do fun stuff likethat, but competition between
siblings almost never winds upworking out well.
(35:47):
There's just an episode of Blueythat I was watching with my
kids I don't know was it thismorning, I think it was this
morning.
We were watching an episode ofBluey where Bandit, who's their
dad, plays racquetball with hislittle brother and he says big
brothers always win.
And you know, in this episodeBingo like convinces, or Bluey
convinces Bandit, her dad, thathe should have let his little
(36:10):
brother win because it'll makeit more fun for everybody, and
Bandit like vehemently rejectsthis because he's just like no,
what's fun is playing as hard asyou can.
And as adults, maybe thatcompetition can exist, maybe
when your kids are 25 and youknow I'm trying to do the math
here, but 25 and 22 and 19,would that be right?
Or 18.
(36:31):
Then you can play board games,whatever, and they can have it
out and really go after eachother.
But when the developmental stageis so different in childhood,
when there's so many leaps andbounds physically right, you see
this in youth athletics Parentswho have a kid born in
September versus a kid born inJuly, and that September baby is
(36:56):
like the oldest kid in theclass and the July baby is like
one of the youngest kids in theclass, that just that 10 months
of development can be massively,massively different.
Now compare this to your kids.
They're guaranteed more than 10months apart, right, like
that's?
Biology means that every kid isat least nine months apart.
So when you're trying tonavigate, who competes at what
(37:21):
level?
Whether it's competition withcognitive ability, like a board
game, whether it's competitionphysical ability, like playing
tag or basketball, whatever,there can be some fun in it.
But oftentimes the older kid isjust going to dominate and
that's not fun for the they mayfeel fun in the moment for the
older kid, ultimately it's notfun for the older kid long term
(37:42):
because it creates hostility.
It's not going to be fun foryour younger kids either.
So reduce the competition.
And so many of us are raisedinto a system, an economic
system in the West, that sayscompetition is good, right.
Competition is good forbusiness, competition is good
for pushing people to theirathletic potential, competition
is good for creating jobs andcompetition is good for this and
(38:04):
that.
Yeah, competition not good forsiblings.
By and large, competition isgoing to lead to a lot more
hostility between your childrenwho are siblings than the
alternative.
And so, as you're seeking outthese activities where they can
all play together.
Resist the urge to take turns,resist the urge to allow
competition to be one of thosethings, and then just look for
(38:25):
those open-ended places.
Now, I didn't give you anyspecific examples other than
playing in the woods ortrampoline park, but once you
understand the concept ofopen-ended and imaginative, I
think you're going to come upwith so many other things.
Art is another one.
Everybody can do art at thesame.
The product may be different,but if we're not passing
judgment and value and creatinga competition about whose
(38:47):
picture is better, art can be aplace Building again Legos,
blocks, things like that.
That can be a place.
Going to a place where you justhave, you know, parallel play,
going to children's museum orsomething, and this person might
be, this kid might be playingwith something that's a little
older and this kid might beplaying something younger, but
they're parallel playing.
That can be a positive thing.
Anywhere where you'reopen-ended, where the goal is
(39:09):
everybody is having fun, thereare no winners and losers, there
is no waiting to take your turn.
That are, those are going to bethe places where you're going
to really balance out that rightside of the scale against that
left side of your kids are goingto fight.
So your kids are going to fight.
You're never going to be ableto prevent 100% of that.
That's just life.
How do we then balance out theother side of the equation?
(39:30):
And it's with this positive,open-ended experiences.
So I hope that these questionshave you know, as we wrap this
episode, we've had kids ofcompletely different ages and
stages.
We had two kids that were twoyears apart.
We've had kids that were up toseven years apart.
We started out with the newbornquestion and as we go through
this, I just want you toremember the main takeaway,
(39:52):
which is any experience thatyour kids have positively with
their siblings is going to, it'sgoing to really benefit them
long-term.
And if your kids are not gettingtheir fundamental needs met by
you as a parent, they are nevergoing to get along with their
sibling.
And they're not going to lookand I should have said this
earlier in the episode butthey're not going to look and
(40:14):
complain about you when they'rean adult.
Well, they're going to look andcomplain about their sibling,
and so remember that you are thestand-in for their sibling, so
be willing to give them thatconscious, proactive attention
because ultimately, they'regoing to blame their sibling if
they didn't get it.
If you be willing to give themthat opportunity to have some
(40:35):
agency and autonomy and owncertain things and have some
personal effects that otherpeople aren't allowed to touch
because they're going to blametheir sibling if they don't have
those things, and you can do so, so much for creating that
positive environment.
Parallel play, though, so soimportant.
All right, that's the episodethat I have for you today about
siblings.
I hope that you really, reallyenjoyed this episode.
(40:56):
I hope that you have learnedsomething.
If you're a parent withsiblings, make sure that you're
on that email list so that whenthe workshop eventually does
come out about siblings andabout navigating sibling
conflicts, you're going to beable to be on that live workshop
or watch the replay after itcomes out, because I'm going to
have so, so much more than whatwe just talked about here.
Parenting siblings is one of mymost favorite things to talk
(41:18):
about.
I was a sibling, my wife was asibling.
I'm raising three kids, so youknow, we got we got siblings in
our home.
This is so, so, so importantand eventually I'm going to
write a book about it.
So stay on the email list forthe next couple of years, and
you might see that too.
Take care, this has been theWhole Parent Podcast.
They're lobbying for connection in the
same way that you would lobbyfor connection If your partner
all of a sudden started hangingout with another person too much
.
You'd probably lobby thatconnection.
I mean, if your partner camehome and said, hey, you know,
I'm going to, I'm going to gospend a bunch of time with this
other woman and she's from workand there's nothing going on.
You know I don't love you anyless, I promise, but.
But I'm going to spend 90% ofthe time that I was spending
with you I'm going to spend withher now.
(00:20):
You would do whatever you couldto get that attention back and
so understand that that'ssomewhat similar to what your
child's experiencing and so givethat target attention or go a
really, really long way.
(00:43):
Hello and welcome to the wholeparent podcast.
I am your host, my name is Johnat whole parent on all the
social media and this is yourpodcast.
All about how you can parentmore effectively kids of all
ages, but especially young kids,and in this case, today's
episode we're going to betalking about how we can parent
siblings better.
You know this is one of thequestions that is most often
(01:07):
asked, and I'm probably going todo an upcoming workshop about
this sometime in the summer.
So if you're not yet on theemail list so that you can get
more information about upcomingworkshops and things like that,
please go ahead and do that.
It's in the show notes.
It's the first link.
It's my stand store, whichwhich you can look at other
things that I have on there, but, most importantly, is a link
right there to the email list.
(01:27):
You can just put your firstname and your email in.
It's totally free.
On Thursdays I send out awesomeemails, which sometimes
includes some information aboutupcoming events, like a live
workshop or a live training, andI'm definitely going to be
doing one about siblings.
But before that, I wanted toanswer on the podcast three
questions from parents, as we doalmost every single week three
(01:48):
questions from parents aboutsiblings and sibling rivalry,
sibling conflict, and so,without further ado, I am just
going to dive right into ourquestions for this morning or
whatever you're listening to it.
You might be listening in theafternoon or evening, I suppose,
but I'm going to dive rightinto our questions and we're
going to.
The three questions this weekcome from Ashley, steven and
(02:10):
Kimberly.
So if you are Ashley, Steven orKimberly, please make sure that
you tune in and listen.
I did have somebody let me knowthe other day.
Hey, I almost didn't listen tothe episode about my question
because I didn't realize that myquestion was going to be asked.
So, yeah, make sure that you areactually listening, especially
if you've submitted questionsand if you're looking to submit
questions.
All you got to do is emailthose questions.
You know the format, you knowtell me your name and how old
(02:33):
your kid is, and it can be aquestion about anything related
to parenting.
You just submit it to podcastsat podcast, not podcasts podcast
singular atwholeparentacademycom.
So podcast atwholeparentacademycom it's the
easiest way that you can submita question.
You can, of course, dm me onInstagram or other places like
that as well, but I'm lesslikely to see it.
(02:54):
If you send it to podcast atwholeparentacademycom, I am
guaranteed to see it, and then Ican make sure that your
question goes into the righttheme and category and then I
answer it live on the podcast.
So this first question comesfrom Ashley.
She says she has two childrenElla, who's nine weeks old, and
Maya, who's six.
So five year roughly, or Iguess more like a six year age
(03:14):
gap.
And since then, she says sincethe birth of our new baby, maya
has been feeling neglected andconstantly competes for my
attention.
It's causing tension in ourfamily.
How can I address the issue ofsibling rivalry and help Maya
feel less neglected whileensuring I'm meeting the needs
of all of my children, includingthe newborn?
(03:35):
This is a question that Ialmost put I would have put, had
I had it back then into the newbaby episode, which, if you
didn't know this, I have anentire episode devoted to
sibling issues related to newbabies, and that is one that I
did several weeks ago, so youcan go in and listen to that and
get more information.
But the real thing I reallywant to focus in here, ashley,
(03:58):
on how Maya feels, and you'realready identifying for us that
Maya feels neglected, right, andI think that that's an
important piece of this.
A lot of parents don't get thisright away.
When you bring home a new baby,there is a level of competition
and rivalry that's going toexist, and this is true at five
year age gaps, six year age gaps.
(04:18):
It's even more true, typically,of smaller age gaps two years,
three years which tend to be atleast in my experience, a little
bit more common.
So what happens is you know youhaven't competing force come
into the family and the olderchild may be really into the
baby initially, may have nointerest in the baby initially.
It can vary, it depends, butwhat ultimately winds up
(04:41):
happening is that the attentionpaid to that older child is
lessened, and this is normal andnatural and it's not a bad
thing for the older child.
It's a good thing, in fact,it's good to learn to find new
ways to connect with yourparents.
At six years old, I'm guessingthat Maya is already in school
and so there's there are a lotof things here that we can
(05:03):
really hone in on.
But the first thing and themost important thing and I think
I said this in the new babyepisode, but I really, really
want to stress it here becausethis is true for all sibling
relationships is that one of thegreat cures to sibling rivalry
very, very simple cures tosibling rivalry is to pay
special attention to bothchildren individually.
(05:25):
In this case, paying specialattention to the older child,
the six-year-old, is going to bemassively important, especially
because they're going to befeeling with the nine-week-old
like man everything.
As soon as the nine-week-oldneeds something, mom drops
everything and goes to them, andthere is a truth to that.
To be honest, like new, babiesdo require more immediate
(05:48):
attention typically thansix-year-olds.
Six-year-olds have a degree ofpatience, the things that they
need from us, they aren't asimmediate and so because of that
, unless they're, you know, insome sort of imminent safety
risk which is a threat which, bythe way, kids will actually go
out and seek those ways.
They'll seek endangeringactivity or risky behaviors to
(06:08):
try and get your attention.
If you don't provide thatattention without them going
about those means, kids willalso start to whine.
They'll also do this thingwhere they kind of revert to a
younger stage although that thatcan happen with six-year-olds
anyway where they start doinglike a baby talk thing or they,
you know, it can look a lot ofdifferent ways, but that's the
most common one that I found isthat the baby talk thing was
(06:29):
like I need help.
You know things that they'dnever needed help with.
They've known how to put theirshoes on since they were four,
but now all of a sudden theyneed help because this new baby
comes around and really theseare all attention-seeking
behaviors and that does not.
Don't hear that as a negative.
Attention-seeking is justconnection-seeking at its core.
Kids need that connection.
(06:50):
We need that attention.
When adults feel neglected by aspouse or a partner, we we
demand their attention and wecan engage in some problematic
behaviors as well.
So this is a normal human drivefor attention and for
connection, and soattention-seeking behaviors
don't hear that negative orconnotated, but kids who are six
(07:10):
years old will do that Well.
One of the main ways that we cankind of I don't want to say
eliminate, but we can curb thattype of behavior is by actually
providing intentional attentionat the pivotal moments, and some
of these pivotal moments are,you know, like first thing in
the morning when you'resix-year-old gets up, when Maya
is awake.
I understand you might beexhausted.
You have a nine-week old.
(07:30):
Probably sleep is is a thing ofthe past for you in some ways,
although I hope that you'regetting as much sleep as you can
.
But just try.
And when Maya gets up in themorning, spend five intentional
minutes if it's possible.
Can you leave the baby with apartner?
Can you, you know, be sodistant from the baby at least a
(07:51):
little bit distant from thebaby that you're able to get up
without waking them and go toMaya when she wakes up and
provide this really targetedattention.
The same thing is true ofbedtime how can we provide
targeted attention at bedtime?
And the same thing is true whenshe gets home from school.
How can we provide targetedattention when she gets home
from school?
By doing these three reallyseemingly simple things, you can
(08:13):
go all long way In kind ofeliminating some of this sibling
attention seeking behavior,because now your child is
feeling like, hey, I'm gettingthe connection that I need and
I've said this so many times, Isaid it on the podcast with Eli,
if you didn't catch that one onsecure attachment, which would
be a great one for you to listento as well but but I've said
(08:35):
this so many different ways andso many different times, but
I'll just say it one more timehere, if you've never heard the
podcast before.
Your kids want all of yourattention some of the time.
It's much better to give themall of your attention some of
the time than some of yourattention all of the time.
So if you're constantly engagedwith the screen, if you're
constantly engaged with thesibling, I understand that this
is the stage of life.
There is a certain level ofnewborn hood where you're just
(08:58):
kind of embracing the suck oflife.
It's not perfect.
There's a lot of you knowthings that go undone.
You're not going to do yourtaxes in the nine weeks that
you're after your baby is born.
You're not going to probablyhave a very clean house.
You're not going to be able totalk a lot of nutritious food,
that's okay.
We're just embracing this.
This period, I like to say thefirst three months are a
(09:18):
crapshoot.
You just survive them and thenyou get through, but that's not
fair to your six year old tojust let her survive.
And so how do we do this?
We provide that targetedattention, really really
specific attention, threedifferent times throughout the
day.
Like I said, those three timesare going to pay much higher
dividends.
These are kind of the bonustimes where your attention that
you give them is perceived at amuch higher rate.
(09:40):
This is based on a study byJacques Panc staff where he said
that these are the kind of thethree main areas of connection,
or the three main times ofconnection for kids with their
parents, again, when they wakeup, when they wake up when they
go to bed and when theyreconnect with you after being
gone at school or daycare orwhatever.
And so that targeted attentionis going to be huge.
The second thing that's going tobe huge is I know at nine weeks
(10:03):
we're starting to get into theplace where maybe mom's getting
out, mom's going and doingthings.
Can we find a way to have a momand Maya date?
Can we do that?
Can we find a way to say 30minutes it doesn't have to be a
big thing, but I'm going outwith my six-year-old just us two
(10:25):
we're going out in the town andbe willing to go a little bit
extra.
Maybe you get ice cream, maybeyou go to a place that you don't
maybe reserve for specialoccasions, whatever.
Try and make this a reallypositive experience.
Don't put a lot of expectationsin stock in it.
That might be the moment whenMaya blows up because she
(10:46):
finally feels like she has yourfull attention and connection
and now she's going to melt downbecause she finally feels like
I have mom's attention.
So don't put a lot of stock andexpectation into how that's
going to go, but just show upand be conscious and be present
for Maya and that mom anddaughter date and really lavish
some connection on her.
We don't have to lavish a lotof things.
(11:08):
Really, what our kids want mostfrom us is our attention.
A lot of parents, when a newbaby comes around, they try and
buy the affection of their olderchild by giving them this or
that or letting them do theseextra things.
There's zero judgment for that.
But the reason why it doesn'ttypically work is because what
they're looking for is not yourstuff.
They're looking for yourattention.
(11:29):
You've highlighted that andyou've said I know that she's
looking for attention.
How do I provide that attention?
Because, for lack of betterterms, it's kind of easy.
You provide that attention, butdon't get in your head that you
have to give 100% of yourattention to Maya all the time
and you need to neglect the baby.
That's obviously not the truth.
That's not what you need to do.
You're probably still going togive 90% of your time 95% of
(11:50):
your time to your baby, but howcan we give that additional 5%
to Maya in a really targeted way?
Another really great thing to doduring those periods of
connection, or if maybe dad andbaby can go off or another
caregiver and baby can go offfor a period of time, is to sit
down and do some interactivecreative play.
6 years old, they're stillgenerally into creative play.
(12:13):
If they're not, let's try andget them back into creative play
.
It's really really good fordevelopment, brain development,
all this other stuff, emotionalregulation.
Sit down and actually do thatcreative play.
It might be so painful for you,but can you do it for 5 minutes
I think you can.
So sit down, actually do thattargeted creative play and I
think the attention thing isgoing to be really really, on
(12:34):
the back end, much, much easierto handle.
So I've kind of answered thatquestion before in the past, but
I wanted to hit that firstbecause a lot of people this is
one of the most common questionsI get in different forms on DMs
and stuff New baby, my olderchild and again I have a whole
episode on this but my olderchild is acting aggressively or
demanding my attention, etc.
All of that stuff is attentionseeking and it's a natural
(12:57):
attention seeking and it's notbad that they're doing it, it's
good.
They're lobbying for connectionin the same way that you would
lobby for connection If yourpartner all of a sudden started
hanging out with another persontoo much.
You'd probably lobby thatconnection.
I mean, if your partner camehome and said, hey, I'm going to
go spend a bunch of time withthis other woman and she's from
work and there's nothing goingon.
(13:18):
I don't love you any less, Ipromise, but I'm going to spend
90% of the time that I wasspending with you I'm going to
spend with her now.
You would do whatever you couldto get that attention back, and
so understand that that'ssomewhat similar to what your
child's experiencing.
So give that targeted attentionand it'll go a really really
long way.
Number two Steven says and thisis funny because my dad was
(13:38):
named Steven and spelled thesame way I have two sons named
Matt, age eight, and Kevin, agesix.
Well, my Matt is age seven, soI really like this question.
They share a bedroom and latelyit's become a battleground.
They constantly argue overspace and toys.
It's causing a lot of tensionbetween them.
We don't have space for them tohave their own rooms.
How can I help my sons learn toshare their space and
(13:59):
belongings peacefully, withoutconstant conflicts?
This is a really great question.
I'm going to call you Stevejust because that's how's my dad
and I can't get it out.
I can't call somebody Stevenanymore.
I know that that's probably bad, it's just locked in my brain
forever.
So, steve, this is a reallyreally good question and it's
really common of kids this ageto go through this.
(14:21):
What's mine, what's yours?
It happens in toddlerhood forsure.
My do, I do, mine, mine, mine,no, no, no, all of that.
But the actual time where thistends to really manifest and
rear up is in that early gradeschool age six years old to
eight years old and so you havea six year old and you have an
(14:43):
eight year old, and so they'reboth going through this
experience, but they're goingthrough it on opposite ends of
the spectrum.
And this is the thing with twoyear age gaps.
We can talk about the benefitsof different age gaps.
There is no perfect age gapbetween kids.
The five year age gap can be somuch easier in so many ways,
(15:05):
but then you're also there'sother complications with that.
And how do you build deepconnection between people who
are, you know, really quitedifferent in age and different
in stage of development?
With the two year age gap, alot of parents come in thinking
I'm going to have a playmate formy kid and that there's a truth
to that.
Two to three years you canreally play well.
(15:25):
Even under two years you canplay well with your sibling.
However, also, developmentalstages get really complicated
because one kid will be.
They can find themselves inkind of the same developmental
stage but on different ends ofthat.
So, just remembering that bothof them are in a developmental
stage where sharing andunderstanding who's is who's and
what belongs to whom, that isgoing to be a big thing for them
(15:47):
, and a lot of parents do thispoorly.
In fact, this is one of thethings that I don't know that my
parents necessarily didparticularly well, but a lot of
parents do this really poorly,and the way that they do that is
by saying everybody has toshare everything.
Right, everybody has to shareeverything, and that is a really
(16:07):
good way to make kids feelsuper insecure about what
belongs to them and what, whatthey have agency and autonomy
over.
And you don't share everythingwith your kid, right?
You don't share everything withyour partner.
You might say, well, no, yeah,we do.
We live in the same house, welive in the same bedroom, we,
you know, have shared bankaccount.
We share everything.
(16:27):
They're going to have to learnto do that.
Two things Number one you chosethat person right.
And if you guys could not getalong?
And if you guys could not sharea bedroom?
And if you guys could not sharethings and if you guys could
not agree on anything, you couldjust have chosen to not be with
that person.
Your childhood did not make thatchoice.
You had two kids, adopted twokids.
(16:48):
However, however, your familywas formed blended families that
come together and there's twokids of different ages or even
the same age.
You, as the adult, made thechoice.
These are going to be the agegap.
Here's going to be our kids.
Beyond that, your kid has nosay in whether they had siblings
or not.
Your oldest had no say inwhether you had younger siblings
.
Even if you say that you askedthem, they were like what?
Two, maybe five, maybe even 10.
(17:10):
They had no say.
You were going to make thatchoice on your own.
They had no say.
And because they had no say,you have to understand that it's
going to be a slightlydifferent thing.
And beyond that, you stilldon't share everything with your
spouse.
I can guarantee you that youdon't share a phone with your
spouse.
Me and my wife share a laptopcomputer.
We have two computers in ourhome.
We have a desktop and a laptop.
She tends to never use thedesktop.
(17:31):
I tend to use it a lot more forthings like video editing and
recording podcasts and stufflike that.
But she also has a laptop andsometimes I have to use laptop,
especially when I'm trying tohalf work downstairs but also
keep an eye on the older kids.
I can tell you right now we getinto conflicts about where
stuff is stored on the laptopand how that I like to store my
files this way and she storesthem this way.
It's hard.
(17:51):
It's hard to share things withpeople.
You probably don't, like I said,share a cell phone with your
partner.
You wouldn't want them goingthrough your phone and change
everything around, move anythingaround, and so, understanding
that it is a natural humandesire to have some kind of
personal property that belongsto you, it's that is natural and
(18:14):
okay to have unique,sentimental things that belong
to you.
And if parents don't respectthat normal, natural desire for
kids to have those types ofpersonal things, then the kids
will then go out seeking thatstuff everywhere all the time.
So if you don't allow your kidto have a certain number of
(18:38):
things that are just theirs,that belong to just them, then
they will look out in the worldand try and claim anything that
they can.
On the contrary, if you do whatI'm going to recommend here,
with kids who are 6 and 8sharing a room, if you do this
effectively, you're not going tohave this happen.
(18:58):
So here's what I would recommenddoing, and this can look a
couple different ways, itdepends on how you do it, but I
would say, at 6 and 8, you canhave a sit down and have a
conversation with both of them.
You can have a sit down andhave a conversation.
You can have a sit down andhave a conversation and you can
give both of them a box or ashelf.
Those are the two options A boxor a shelf, and in their room,
(19:19):
and this box is going to gosomewhere.
It's going to have their nameon it.
Whatever, you can even put alock on it if you want to put a
key on it, but you don't have to.
You're going to give each ofthem a box or a shelf and
anything that they put that theyget that goes on.
That box or shelf is theirs.
Now we're not going to do likea draft or a free for all.
(19:40):
This is going to relate togenerally sentimental things.
You have a stuffed rhino thatyou really like.
You have a blanket from whenyou were born.
These are the types of thingsthat you can put on the box or
the shelf.
Well, john, what do you do aboutnew toys?
When you bring a new toy intothe home, we tend to get out
most of our toys secondhand.
What do you do with that?
(20:00):
We set the expectations upfront.
If my kids are getting a $1 car, a hot wheels car, from the
grocery store, they can claim.
If they're both getting one,they can claim hey, do we want
these to be something that weshare or something that goes in
our box?
What happens when you fill thebox?
You've got to take stuff out ofthe box.
(20:21):
That's right.
We're not going to have anunlimited.
You're not going to accumulate,you're not going to be smough
in the dungeon or in the cave.
Who accumulates all yourtreasure and then you don't let
anybody else touch it.
There's going to be a setnumber of things.
I bet you, when they go intothat box, now that they feel
really secure that anything inthat box will not be touched by
(20:42):
the other sibling, now that theyfeel really secure in that,
it'll be amazing to you how muchmore willingly they take stuff
out of that box and allow it togo back into the general store.
So then, anything that isn't inthose boxes is what I call
communally owned toys, whichmeans that we've got to work out
a way to share, whether that'swith timers, that's a really
(21:05):
good tool to use.
I have a parent who I'm friendswith who just says you know, as
long as you're playing with it,there's no time limit you can
play with it.
But when you're done, the otherperson gets their turn and you
can't just immediately go oh,now I see what you're doing with
it and I want it back.
I like what you're doing and Isee that.
And that tends to happen withyounger siblings, with older
(21:27):
siblings, is that the youngerone will be playing with
something and then they getbored of it, because they tend
to get bored a little bit morequickly.
I mean, personality comes intofactor here too, but you know,
six-year-olds are more likely toget bored or something than an
eight-year-old.
Generally they get bored ofsomething and then they go off
and play with something else.
The eight-year-old goes andpicks it up and finds out
something new to do with it or anew fun way to play with it,
(21:49):
because they're a little bit,maybe a little bit more advanced
.
And then the six-year-old goesoh, I see that.
Now I want that back.
Well, in this parent's way ofdoing things, that was a
non-factor because you couldtake a 20-minute turn.
But as soon as you put it down,as soon as you're kind of done
with it, then the older sibling,or the other sibling I should
say, gets to play with it forthat period of time and you
(22:09):
can't play with all the thingsat once.
There's some dividing up of thatand this does not tend to work
well with screens, by the way,because of the nature of screens
of being so constantlystimulating.
If you have like, okay, yourturn with the iPad, your turn
with the iPad.
They can take such long.
I mean you should have limitson that and timing around that
anyway, probably beyond that,and that's a whole different
(22:31):
separate screen type of thing.
But with toys and physicalobjects this tends to work well.
So timers can be the way, butthe communally shared objects
are going to be much more easilyand welcomed much more easily
and much more effectivelycommunally shared.
So just remember this.
If your kids, who are siblings,are really, really struggling
(22:52):
with a conflict, a lot of thatcomes from where do I end?
Where is my stuff?
How do I have agency?
Where is my attention comingfrom?
And the other one's feeling thesame way.
And so if you don't give themthat agency, if you don't give
(23:13):
them that personalresponsibility of these or your
things, if you don't give themthat individual, targeted
attention, then what's going tohappen is they're going to
continue to struggle.
But as soon as you fulfillthose basic needs, you'll notice
how, on the backside mucheasier that is.
Until you meet the basic needsof your kids, they will continue
(23:37):
to seek having those basicneeds met with problematic
behavior, which includes siblinginfighting.
So just remember that and Ithink that you're going to be a
lot, lot better off, steve, withyour two little ones.
The last question I have hereand I'm already realizing that
we're going to have a bunch moreepisodes on siblings, so I'm
just going to call this episodesibling part one.
The last question I have herecomes from Kimberly.
(23:59):
But before we do that, I wantto give you a quick PSA, which
is you guys know this is comingif you're a long time listener
of the podcast, so I'm going todo it really, really fast.
Please, please, please.
If you have not gone in andrated and reviewed the podcast.
Yet what are you doing?
You got to go do it.
If this is your first episode,no worries.
But if you've been listening totwo episodes, five episodes, if
(24:21):
you've been a subscriber fromthe beginning, please, I'm going
to keep asking.
And the reason I keep asking isbecause this is the way the
podcast grows.
The way the podcast grows is byyou doing two things.
Number one rating and reviewingthe podcast.
Number two sharing it with yourfriends, either on social media
or interpersonally.
And so if you can do that,please, please, please, please,
pause the episode right now.
(24:41):
It's going to hold your place.
Whatever podcast app you'relistening on, it's going to hold
your place.
Go into Apple Podcasts, go intoSpotify, rate and review the
episode.
I know they make it moredifficult than it needs to be,
but find the place to do it.
It's a couple of buttons.
Write me a little review.
I read every single review thatcomes into the podcast.
Personally, I'm an assistantdoing it.
(25:02):
It's just me out here.
I make all these, I produce allthese on my own.
I will read your review andyour insights and you know, hey,
I really like the episode onsiblings.
Let's do more of those.
You write that in a review.
I'll know this is the type ofstuff I should be talking about
and I should, and I'm going tocontinue to talk about it.
So last question again comesfrom Kimberly, and she has three
(25:23):
kids, and so now we're gettinginto the more complex family
dynamics.
She says I have three kids,amanda, who's 10, carson, who's
seven, and Allie, who is three.
It's becoming increasinglychallenging to find activities
that they all enjoy togetherbecause of the age, of their
developmental differences.
Amanda feels like she'soutgrown certain games.
Carson and Allie feel like theycan't keep up with her
interests.
How can I offer a moreinclusive environment to help my
(25:45):
children of varying ages findcommon ground in activities that
they all enjoy together?
Really, really, really goodquestion, kimberly.
You know I really really harpon and on about this, so I'm
going to get up on my soapboxhere for a moment.
But what you're trying to do isso massively important.
There is no.
(26:06):
We'll have an entire episode inthe future, I'm sure, about
sibling, conflict, fighting, howwe can prevent some fighting.
We already had one questionthat kind of gets into that with
the how do we share spacewithout tearing each other apart
?
We're going to have an entireepisode about this in the future
and what I'm going to say overand over in that episode.
What I'm going to say to youright now is that there is no
(26:28):
way to prevent all fightingbetween siblings.
There is no way you have twounique persons living under the
same roof.
These people again did notagree to live with each other.
They're being forced into thissituation with people who they
probably share some similaritiesand many Great personality
(26:50):
differences.
Also, this is the safe place Ihope for for your kids is in the
home with you, which means thevulnerabilities are gonna come
out.
This is where Maybe I don't actout at school because I'm not
super comfortable.
I don't know how that's gonnabe received by my friends and my
teachers.
We've got no problem being myworst self at home.
(27:12):
Adults we do this to.
Fighting is gonna happen,hopefully not physical violence,
unless it's, you know, rough,rough housing and that's all
good.
I'll have a talk about thatmore later but fighting is going
to happen and Because fightinghappens, our only way to
navigate that is number one wecan prevent some of it, like
I'll talk about in futureepisodes.
Number two we can learn how tofight fair, which again is
(27:34):
another episode in and of itself.
How do we navigate siblingconflicts?
Well, and I'm sure I'll talkabout that a ton in the workshop
when I do that sometime thissummer.
But number three, we also haveto balance out the other side of
the equation.
What do I mean by balance outthe other side of the equation
when the?
What Dan Siegel, one of myfavorite parenting experts,
(27:55):
talks about, is that there arethese studies that have been
done on siblings, and?
And what if he identifies thesame thing that I've just
identified, which is there is noway to completely Eliminate all
fighting from a family?
It just doesn't happen.
Siblings are gonna have rivalry.
They're gonna have in fighting.
Yes, there's a lot we can do toprevent that, to tame it, to
make it better to, you know,take the claws off at some of
(28:15):
that fighting, but in generalthey're going to go at it.
Sometimes they're not gonnaalways agree.
What's really predictive offuture lifelong friendship
between siblings has nothing todo with how much they fight.
It's whether the positiveexperiences of childhood
Associated with that otherperson outweigh the negative
ones.
So how many times did you findyourself experiencing true joy,
(28:38):
happiness, enjoyment in thepresence of your sibling?
If the answer is, more timesthan I found myself Hating that
person and hating my life whileI was around them, then you're
gonna wind up having a long-termfriendship and relationship.
If the majority of yourrelationship is Is negative,
then later in life it's gonna bemuch, much harder to foster
(28:58):
healthy, long-term, lifelongfriendship between siblings.
And so what you're asking,kimberly, is a great question on
so many different levels,because what you're really
fundamentally asking here is howcan I have my kids Enjoy each
other's presence right?
And so I'm gonna give you threereally, really quick tips for
this.
Number one is that we have toget the play to be more
open-ended and less closed endedplay.
(29:21):
So play that has a naturalProgression, like a board game,
like this, is how we play thegame.
Here are the rules.
That stuff tends to be veryage-dependent.
Probably the easiest example ofthis is a puzzle.
If you give a puzzle designedfor it your three-year-old To
(29:41):
your I'm sorry, I'm forgettingthe ages of your kids.
Now, if you give it a puzzledesigned for your three-year-old
to your seven-year-old, theyare going to struggle Deeply to.
I'm sorry, if you give athree-year-old the puzzle
designed for a seven-year-old,they're gonna struggle too much
to do it for it to be fun, butthey're probably not gonna be
able to do it unless they'revery gifted in some way.
If you give the same puzzle fordesign for your three-year-old
(30:01):
To your seven-year-old, instead,reverse that.
It's gonna be too easy and it'snot gonna be fun.
Now add your ten-year-old intothe mix.
If you give your three-year-oldPuzzle to your ten-year-old,
it's it's like mom, what are yougiving me this for?
I don't get it, I don't needthis.
And so that's a close-ended toy.
It has a developmental capacity.
Here is the window ofdevelopment where it makes sense
(30:23):
and Ten-year-olds can start toget into that adult
developmental stage where theycan actually play games with us
that are designed for adults.
It might be additionallychallenging for them, but they
can do things that are that aredevelopmentally kind of leveling
up and so that type ofclose-ended play.
Here's the start, here's thefinish, here's how you do the
puzzle or here's how you playthe game or or anything like
(30:45):
that.
Video games, whatever.
That stuff is really reallyhard to Do kind of inter I'm
gonna call it intergenerational,but it's not.
But interactive age barrier,you know development crossing.
Now take that and say you let'sgo build a fort in the woods,
something so open-endedSomething, so this can look
(31:07):
totally different for aseven-year-old than a
three-year-old, than aten-year-old, and that type of
open-ended, imaginative stuffwhich, by the way, your
ten-year-old can stillabsolutely do.
It's just that oftentimesten-year-olds, because they
cross into the developmental agewhere, all of a sudden, you
know the world has so many moreofferings for them, we forget
(31:27):
that they have a capacity to dothis open-ended play and then we
just kind of focus.
Really, every time we play withthem it's Monopoly or Zari or
whatever.
You don't have to do that.
You can actually go into theirspace and go hey, I want you to
come along here, we're gonna do,you know, we're gonna act out a
story together, doing plays,doing whatever.
That type of stuff can bereally, really impactful and
(31:49):
positive.
And that can be this open-endedtype of play or building with
Legos.
A three-year-old might need touse Duplos, but we can all build
with Legos together.
Seven-year-olds and theten-year-old are using, you know
, actual Lego size Legos.
The three-year-old may be usingDuplos, but everybody's
building together and, by theway, the adults can too.
(32:10):
Now we're practicing sharedenjoyment, which is
developmentally appropriate foreach kid, without forcing them
into these close-ended things.
And this is where I really don'twant you, what I really don't
want you to do.
And this is tip number twoResist the urge to say you pick
this time, you'll pick next time.
This actually does the exactopposite of what we want with
(32:32):
our kids.
That means that theseven-year-old, who really
doesn't like what we're doingbecause the ten-year-old picked
or the three-year-old picked nowresents that activity.
And the opposite is true.
Maybe the three-year-old'shaving the time of their life,
but the ten-year-old and theseven-year-old are not having
fun right now.
And because they're not havingfun, this has created the
opposite experience.
(32:53):
Now it's man, if my littlesibling was not around, my life
would be better.
Resist all types of activitiesthat make one kid feel Now,
sometimes this is going to beimpossible to resist altogether.
You're going to have to allowfor that.
Sometimes kids need to learnpatience too.
They're going to have to learntaking turns and sharing and all
(33:13):
that other stuff.
But when you're really tryingto do these family engagement
activities, resist the urge todo the.
You pick the movie this night,you'll pick the movie next week.
You'll pick the movie that.
That creates a lot ofcompetition and hostility.
That's unnecessary.
So instead, look for things thatare super open-ended.
The other thing you can do isgo to a place like a trampoline
(33:34):
park, right, and you can say heylook, each of you are going to
engage in this activity at adifferent level.
The 10-year-old might be offhere trying to do the like Ninja
Warrior course, while theseven-year-old is much more
content to do like the, you know, jumping into the foam pit.
And the three-year-old mightjust be content to just bounce
up and down and scream theirhead off Like that can.
But you're all having fun inthe same place at the same time
(33:57):
and you get in the car and yougo wow, that was fun.
That's a great example ofopen-ended play that's
developmentally appropriate forall kids.
And so you know, just start towrite down a list.
You don't have to be supercreative.
Adults require novelty, kidsrequire predictability.
You don't have to be supercreative.
You can do.
You know.
You get a membership to someplace and you can do that thing
(34:18):
every single week.
That's fine.
Your kids are not going to fall, true, for that you know.
But find those places, and I'mthe evidence of this.
There were places.
I was the three-year-old withmy seven-year-old and
10-year-old older brothers.
I was that.
I actually was zero years old,when my brother was 10 and my
other brother was seven.
And yet my parents stilloccasionally found places where
(34:41):
all of us could be having fun atthe same time, and when they
did that, those were the momentsof family fun that really,
really positively impacted mylife in a really unique way.
And now, even to this day, Ican find really positive
experiences with my olderbrothers Not that they didn't
always, you know, they foughtwith each other.
They were closer in age.
Nobody really fought with mebecause I was so much younger,
(35:01):
but my brothers definitelyfought with each other.
But those positive experiencesreally outbalanced and
outweighed those things.
And my third tip here, with thethree-age gap thing right, the
first one is find open-endedactivities.
The second one is resist theurge to do the you, your turn,
your turn, your turn thing.
The third thing is really tryand reduce as much as you can
(35:22):
competition.
I am a big advocate forcompetition in general.
I think competition can be areally enjoyable thing.
It's very.
I'm an extremely competitiveperson.
I love competition myself.
Maybe that's just like the.
You know the guy in me, the kidraised in the 90s.
I like to do fun stuff likethat, but competition between
siblings almost never winds upworking out well.
(35:47):
There's just an episode of Blueythat I was watching with my
kids I don't know was it thismorning, I think it was this
morning.
We were watching an episode ofBluey where Bandit, who's their
dad, plays racquetball with hislittle brother and he says big
brothers always win.
And you know, in this episodeBingo like convinces, or Bluey
convinces Bandit, her dad, thathe should have let his little
(36:10):
brother win because it'll makeit more fun for everybody, and
Bandit like vehemently rejectsthis because he's just like no,
what's fun is playing as hard asyou can.
And as adults, maybe thatcompetition can exist, maybe
when your kids are 25 and youknow I'm trying to do the math
here, but 25 and 22 and 19,would that be right?
Or 18.
(36:31):
Then you can play board games,whatever, and they can have it
out and really go after eachother.
But when the developmental stageis so different in childhood,
when there's so many leaps andbounds physically right, you see
this in youth athletics Parentswho have a kid born in
September versus a kid born inJuly, and that September baby is
(36:56):
like the oldest kid in theclass and the July baby is like
one of the youngest kids in theclass, that just that 10 months
of development can be massively,massively different.
Now compare this to your kids.
They're guaranteed more than 10months apart, right, like
that's?
Biology means that every kid isat least nine months apart.
So when you're trying tonavigate, who competes at what
(37:21):
level?
Whether it's competition withcognitive ability, like a board
game, whether it's competitionphysical ability, like playing
tag or basketball, whatever,there can be some fun in it.
But oftentimes the older kid isjust going to dominate and
that's not fun for the they mayfeel fun in the moment for the
older kid, ultimately it's notfun for the older kid long term
(37:42):
because it creates hostility.
It's not going to be fun foryour younger kids either.
So reduce the competition.
And so many of us are raisedinto a system, an economic
system in the West, that sayscompetition is good, right.
Competition is good forbusiness, competition is good
for pushing people to theirathletic potential, competition
is good for creating jobs andcompetition is good for this and
(38:04):
that.
Yeah, competition not good forsiblings.
By and large, competition isgoing to lead to a lot more
hostility between your childrenwho are siblings than the
alternative.
And so, as you're seeking outthese activities where they can
all play together.
Resist the urge to take turns,resist the urge to allow
competition to be one of thosethings, and then just look for
(38:25):
those open-ended places.
Now, I didn't give you anyspecific examples other than
playing in the woods ortrampoline park, but once you
understand the concept ofopen-ended and imaginative, I
think you're going to come upwith so many other things.
Art is another one.
Everybody can do art at thesame.
The product may be different,but if we're not passing
judgment and value and creatinga competition about whose
(38:47):
picture is better, art can be aplace Building again Legos,
blocks, things like that.
That can be a place.
Going to a place where you justhave, you know, parallel play,
going to children's museum orsomething, and this person might
be, this kid might be playingwith something that's a little
older and this kid might beplaying something younger, but
they're parallel playing.
That can be a positive thing.
Anywhere where you'reopen-ended, where the goal is
(39:09):
everybody is having fun, thereare no winners and losers, there
is no waiting to take your turn.
That are, those are going to bethe places where you're going
to really balance out that rightside of the scale against that
left side of your kids are goingto fight.
So your kids are going to fight.
You're never going to be ableto prevent 100% of that.
That's just life.
How do we then balance out theother side of the equation?
(39:30):
And it's with this positive,open-ended experiences.
So I hope that these questionshave you know, as we wrap this
episode, we've had kids ofcompletely different ages and
stages.
We had two kids that were twoyears apart.
We've had kids that were up toseven years apart.
We started out with the newbornquestion and as we go through
this, I just want you toremember the main takeaway,
(39:52):
which is any experience thatyour kids have positively with
their siblings is going to, it'sgoing to really benefit them
long-term.
And if your kids are not gettingtheir fundamental needs met by
you as a parent, they are nevergoing to get along with their
sibling.
And they're not going to lookand I should have said this
earlier in the episode butthey're not going to look and
(40:14):
complain about you when they'rean adult.
Well, they're going to look andcomplain about their sibling,
and so remember that you are thestand-in for their sibling, so
be willing to give them thatconscious, proactive attention
because ultimately, they'regoing to blame their sibling if
they didn't get it.
If you be willing to give themthat opportunity to have some
(40:35):
agency and autonomy and owncertain things and have some
personal effects that otherpeople aren't allowed to touch
because they're going to blametheir sibling if they don't have
those things, and you can do so, so much for creating that
positive environment.
Parallel play, though, so soimportant.
All right, that's the episodethat I have for you today about
siblings.
I hope that you really, reallyenjoyed this episode.
(40:56):
I hope that you have learnedsomething.
If you're a parent withsiblings, make sure that you're
on that email list so that whenthe workshop eventually does
come out about siblings andabout navigating sibling
conflicts, you're going to beable to be on that live workshop
or watch the replay after itcomes out, because I'm going to
have so, so much more than whatwe just talked about here.
Parenting siblings is one of mymost favorite things to talk
(41:18):
about.
I was a sibling, my wife was asibling.
I'm raising three kids, so youknow, we got we got siblings in
our home.
This is so, so, so importantand eventually I'm going to
write a book about it.
So stay on the email list forthe next couple of years, and
you might see that too.
Take care, this has been theWhole Parent Podcast.
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