June 6, 2024 • 31 mins
Do you want to know how you can successfully navigate sibling conflict? This is the episode for you.
Episode Number: #24
Description: In this episode of the Whole Parent Podcast, Jon delves into the challenging topic of sibling conflict. He shares practical strategies for parents to navigate and resolve conflicts between siblings effectively. Jon also talks about the importance of fostering a team-centric environment and being a safe person for your children to express their frustrations.
Timestamps:
- 00:00 - Introduction and Jon's return to podcasting
- 01:30 - Review of Raising Siblings Part One
- 03:53 - Principle 1: Foster a team-centric environment
- 09:49 - Principle 2: Be the safe person
- 17:13 - Quick call to action: Subscribe and review
- 20:24 - Principle 3: Be a mediator, not an arbitrator
Key Takeaways: Jon's Three Principles for Handling Sibling Conflict:
- Foster a Team-Centric Environment: Emphasize that the family works as a team and avoid creating winners and losers among siblings.
- Be the Safe Person: Ensure that children can express their feelings without fear of punishment or judgment.
- Act as a Mediator, Not an Arbitrator: Facilitate communication between siblings to help them resolve conflicts themselves.
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- Share: Share this episode with friends and family, especially those who would benefit from learning about handling sibling conflicts.
Links to Resources Mentioned:
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jon @wholeparent (00:00):
Hello and welcome to this episode of the
whole parent podcast.
My name is John.
I am the host of the wholeparent podcast and the creator
of whole parent on all of thesocial medias that you may be on
.
If you have not heard anepisode from me in a while,
that's because I haven't beenposting very much recently, but
I'm going to try and get back onthe horse and post again as
(00:21):
much as I possibly, because Ireally enjoy making this podcast
and now that I'm bringing WholeParent back after a couple
month break, I am excited to betalking about all of the things
that we are talking about.
And speaking about somethingthat I'm really excited to be
talking about.
We're talking today aboutraising siblings, and so I'm
calling this episode RaisingSiblings Part Two.
I don't know how many partsthere are going to be that this
(00:43):
whole raising sibling series butway back in March, the first
week of March, we posted, or Iposted, the first episode that I
had on raising siblings, and Iwant to start this episode with
a little bit of review, becausethis episode is going to be all
about sibling conflict, and somaybe I'll call it sibling
conflict, but this is siblingspart two, if you're listening to
(01:03):
it.
If you're waiting for siblingspart two, this is it.
But this episode is all aboutconflict how do we handle,
navigate sibling conflict?
Because it is inevitable and Iwant to start again with a
little bit of review from thatepisode where I talked about how
inevitable the sibling conflictis, and I want to just
(01:24):
highlight here again and saysomething that I said then and I
encourage you to listen to thewhole episode.
The whole episode is good.
I've gotten a lot of positivefeedback about that episode in
particular, especially fromparents who are siblings or who
themselves are siblings, butalso parents of siblings,
parents who are raising morethan one child, and one of the
positive things that people havecome back and said raising more
(01:44):
than one child and one of thepositive things that people have
come back and said is thatsibling conflict is unavoidable,
that you have two distinctpersonalities living in the same
house.
These two individuals have notagreed to live in this house
together.
You have conflict with yourpartner.
Every good relationship hassome level of conflict.
If you can imagine, you pickedliving with your partner and you
still kind of fight with thisperson.
(02:05):
Sometimes you argue.
Most likely you have conflict,things happen.
You do things differently, andthis is a person who you've
chosen to spend the rest of yourlife with, that you've chosen
to live with that, you've chosento have children with and move
in with in most cases.
And so, like the fact that yourkids, who have made none of
those choices for themselves,are going to not always get
(02:27):
along with their siblings, comeon, that's just par for the
course, that's just what it is,and so understanding that
reality that your kids are goingto fight is really, really
important to begin there.
And in that episode I talkabout the importance of positive
experiences outweighing thosenegative experiences, and that
the research tells us that themore positive experiences
(02:49):
siblings have together and themore of those positive
experiences can outweigh thenegative experiences, the better
off they are.
But how do we navigate thosenegative experiences right?
How do we navigate thoseconflicts?
Because it goes beyond justsaying, well, outweigh them.
Yes, some of them are avoidableand we are going to outweigh
those with positive experiencesfamily fun factor, all that
other stuff.
But beyond that, how are wegoing to actually navigate those
(03:16):
moments?
And the first I'm going to giveis that we, as parents, need to
(03:41):
foster a team-centricenvironment around our kids as
siblings, a team-centricenvironment.
Write it down, get a tattoowe're all on a team.
If I ever write a sequel to thebook I'm writing now, I think
most likely it will be a bookabout raising siblings.
(04:02):
Why Number one?
Because I think it's somethingthat we need to talk about more.
As a parenting community, weare so focused on how parents
parent their individual children.
What we often fail to realizeis that there's an
intersectionality when you'reraising more than one human at
once, and that without talkingabout siblings, that we're never
(04:26):
going to understand parentingas a holistic thing.
And I don't know if you knewthis, but my name is whole
parent and this is like a bigholistic, wholehearted living is
a big reason why we use thatterm whole parent, as the name,
and so, understanding that thisis a holistic part of parenting
raising siblings we have tobegin with this idea of team
(04:47):
building, and why the reason Isaid the siblings thing or that
I would write a follow-up bookabout siblings, is because I'd
probably call it something liketeam parenting or parenting a
team or leading a team orsomething, because I think this
is the place to begin.
Everybody's on a team and I'mprobably mentioned this to some
extent in the last episode aboutsiblings.
But if you don't begin there thefirst principle we are all
(05:11):
seeking each other's flourishingand good then the conflict is
never going to manifest inpositive ways.
You have to begin with thiskind of win-win mindset where
your child realizes and yourmultiple, your children, realize
that when you're interactingwith them, that you're never
going to do something so thatthey win and their sibling loses
(05:35):
.
You're never going to beparenting from a perspective of
trying to create winners andlosers within your own household
.
Now I think sometimes whenyou're playing a board game with
your kids and this is anotherhot tip don't don't do that.
You play board games with yourkids, but don't play board games
where they have to be againsteach other.
There's just no reason to tofeed into the rivalry any more
(05:58):
than it already is right.
If there's, if there's, onekind of takeaway tip that I'm
not going to talk aboutextensively in this episode
about sibling conflicts, it'sdon't fuel the fire.
The fire is already there.
Kids naturally have a sense ofrivalry.
They're competing with eachother in their own minds for
your attention and for resourcesand all that other stuff.
There's no reason that you needto make them be on opposite
(06:21):
baseball teams, that you need toplay Monopoly on Friday night
with them and watch one of thembeat up on the other one.
There's no reason to pourgasoline on that fire.
Just don't add more conflictand competition than there
already is.
That's going to exist no matterwhat.
So that's principle number oneof raising siblings.
It's really, really simple.
You have to instill in yourkids it's us against the world
(06:44):
and I don't want to.
That's.
That's kind of a weird thingfor me to say.
That's the thing that we say inmy family, and my wife used to,
and I used to say to oneanother before we even had kids
hey, it's Jess and John againstthe world.
But this is something that isreally important for you to
instill in your kids that hey,if we are going to go forward as
a family unit, we're doing soas a team and we have to
(07:07):
understand your children assiblings, have to understand
that you are not going to doanything that is specifically
against their flourishing.
And so when I talk to my kidsabout why I'm taking certain
discipline steps with theirsiblings, why we're going to do
this now or why we're going tothat now or why nobody can have
ice cream until everybodyfinishes whatever they're going
(07:29):
to eat for dinner.
Not like you have to clean yourplate, but you see what I'm
saying, right?
Like we're not going to move onto the next thing until
everybody crosses the finishline over here.
Like I will make that veryclear to them and because of
that they understand we're on ateam and so helping my sibling
to achieve their goals is goingto help me achieve my goals.
(07:50):
Not that a kid has to beresponsible all the time for
their siblings, especially theiryounger siblings, but that
helping is going to lead to, youknow, shared enjoyment.
And so we're all going to cleanup right now or dad's going to
clean.
This is what we've been doing.
At six 30 every night, when mymiddle child goes to bed, my
youngest is still taking a nap,so he stays up.
Later.
My middle one goes to bed, mywife puts him down and then I
(08:12):
got the other two for the lasthour of the day and what we've
been doing is hey, my, my oldestreally doesn't like cleaning,
it's really hard for him, hejust really with it and that's
not to say that we never work onthat and pick up our toys and
stuff like that we do.
We work on that.
Frustration, tolerance.
But sometimes I'm like, hey,your little brother, two years
old, is just going to be tearingup everything in the other room
(08:32):
while we're trying to cleanthis room.
How about you take him outsideand entertain him in the
backyard?
You play games with him, you dowhatever.
You're going to babysit, forlack of a better term, and I'm
not giving him anything to dothat but he doesn't have to
clean, so, so he doesn't have toclean.
I'll clean the house on theinside, I'll do the dishes, do
whatever, whatever we need to do, he'll go watch his brother.
Team mindset we're all movingtowards the same thing.
(08:54):
Hey, he knows, every night,once his little brother gets his
teeth brushed, whatever there'sgoing to be some time between
when I have now gone into myyoungest room to put him down
and my wife comes out from themiddle's room which she, which
he, shares with my oldest.
And he knows, hey, if I can getmy little brother through his
bedtime routine, if I can helphim do that, then that means,
(09:17):
you know, I'm going to have alittle bit more free time for
myself to do what I want to doon my own, whether that's.
You know, whatever, playMinecraft is usually what he
does during that time.
So all of this stuff like lead,this team mindset, that's how
we get away from the conflict.
So many of the conflicts comefrom this, these, these places
where kids are in conflictbecause they don't see that
they're a part of a teamtogether, that they're all
(09:39):
working towards the same goals.
When you have people moving inthe same direction, a lot of
that little titchy, touchy, youknow, spat stuff can go away,
all right.
Principle number two you have tobe the safe person.
So now we're into the conflicthere.
It is when you're in the middleof a conflict with your child,
or when your children, I shouldsay, are in the middle of a
(10:01):
conflict between one another.
You have to become the safeperson.
What do we mean by the safeperson?
Basically, three things.
Safe in three ways.
Safe person number one If achild brings something to you
hey, my older brother is beingmean because of X, y, z you need
to be a safe person, to be anempathetic listener To not.
(10:23):
Well, yeah, but you were doingthis thing, and when you do that
, that's what's going to happen.
I'm a, I'm a perpetrator ofthat.
I do that all the time.
I will turn my my kids'conflicts into lectures about
why they shouldn't have been.
You know you shouldn't havebeen shooting your brother with
Nerf darts If.
If you didn't want him to shootyour, you would Nerf guards.
You know I say that stuff allthe time but really, if it's a
(10:45):
true conflict you don't want togo there.
You want to be a safe personthat they can bring anything to.
Who just says, yeah, I knowthat's really hard and remember,
you're still team mindset.
That was principle one, so youdon't get to blame their sibling
, but you still become the safeperson.
To just hear it.
You're going to be a safe personin the second way too.
Whatever they say you got to,it's got to stay with you.
(11:08):
I'm not saying you can't tellyour partner.
You should be able to,especially if they're
trustworthy and they're notgoing to share it with the kids.
But if they say I hate mysister and I wish she were dead
and I never want to see heragain and I wish that you would
have just never had her andshe's the worst, you're not
going to punish, discipline,react negatively to that at all.
(11:30):
You have to be a safe vesselfor their word vomit about their
sibling.
That's the second way in whichyou have to be a safe person and
, by the way, this applies toboth siblings.
So maybe when you in in myprinciple three, when we talk
about that, we're talking aboutactually navigating this
conflict, having theconversation, being the person
between your kids.
(11:51):
You still have to be able toabsorb, retain and hold those
words, those experiences, thosefeelings from both parties.
And oftentimes in a conflictbetween siblings there's no one
who is in the total right and noone in the total wrong.
But but oftentimes other timesthere's going to be one kid who
(12:12):
is the total antagonist of thissituation.
They just woke up on the wrongside of the bed or something
happened at school, whatever,and they just totally took it
out on their sibling and it's.
You can't see how validatingtheir perspective could possibly
be healthy.
But you have to be the safeperson because here's the thing
(12:32):
If your kids can say it to you,they won't act on it more often
than not.
So if your kids can say to you,I just want to punch him in the
head, I just want to throw himoff the roof of the house,
they're far less likely to takematters into their own hands and
actually get violent.
Now, sure, in a moment ofconflict, kids do sometimes take
(12:53):
swings, they push.
You know we can talk about whythat's not appropriate and how,
how we can redirect that type ofbehavior and learn to
communicate and all this stuffis doing that.
But if you're worried about,true, like I'm going to go out
and retribution, take revenge onmy, my sibling, if they can say
it to you, they're far lesslikely to do it.
Now, if they say it to you andthey're immediately met with,
(13:16):
how could you say that aboutyour little brother?
How dare you say that aboutyour older sister?
She has been nothing but niceto you.
Then you're not being a safeperson and all of that rage will
not be directed at you.
It will be confirmed on theirsibling.
Here is one of the pivotalthings we have to remember in
the midst of sibling conflict.
I didn't know when I was goingto put this into this episode,
but I knew it was going to findits way somewhere.
It's one of the pivotal thingsyou need to understand.
(13:38):
Your child has an evolutionarysurvival instinct to maintain
closeness to you.
They have an evolutionarysurvival and survival instinct
to give you the benefit of thedoubt.
You can hurt your child, youcan torment your child, you can
bully your child, and they willkeep coming back.
Why?
Because you are intrinsicallyimportant for their survival,
(13:58):
both in their evolutionary mindand even in their base
understanding of nurture.
In the world today, you are somassively important that they
will not sacrifice thatrelationship unless they
absolutely have to.
And their sibling is not sorry,they're not.
They don't hold the same place.
And so when it seems likeyou're teaming up with their
(14:20):
sibling or you're punishing themfor the actions of their
sibling, or you're being they'rebeing punished because of
something they did to theirsibling, do you think that
they're ever going to blame you?
No, they will always blametheir sibling.
And so if they come to you andthey say I just pushed him down
the stairs and I know he's goingto come get me, and you turn on
(14:41):
them and say how dare you dothat?
You're grounded for a month, orgo to your room and I don't
want to speak to you or see youagain, paradoxically, they're
not going to be upset with you,they're going to be upset with
their sibling, and this has beenverified by so many family and
marriage therapists and familycounselors and psychologists.
They see this all the time.
(15:02):
Even adult siblings have notprocessed through the ways in
which their parent reactedinappropriately and they took
that inappropriate reaction,that inappropriate response from
their parent and pushed it backon their sibling.
They hit their sibling.
The parent spanked the child.
Who was the culprit?
Who hit their sibling?
(15:24):
The parent spanked the child.
Who was the culprit?
Who hit that child?
Who hit now takes thatanimosity back onto their
sibling.
Happens all the time.
You have to be a safe person.
You have to be a vessel who canhold and not break and not
crack and not go to your ownstuff.
And if you can't be, then yougot to go to somebody and get
help.
So when their child comes toyou and they say this is a
situation, you're just going tolisten and say I'm sorry, that's
so hard, that's it, that's allyou're going to do.
(15:45):
And the last thing part ofsafety is that your child has to
know that, no matter what, atthe end you're seeking their
flourishing and their and theirsiblings flourishing.
So it goes back to the teammindset thing.
So that's what I mean by safety.
You have to be a safe personand you have to protect them,
right, if you're.
If a lot of people don't likethis.
(16:06):
They think that this feelsunjust.
But you know, one sibling hurtsanother sibling.
We can process that later in aconversation about why we don't
do that, but in the moment, ifyou invite their sibling to take
revenge on them in whatever way, you are only perpetuating the
harm long-term.
So that's principle two youhave to be a safe person for
(16:28):
them to bring their frustrations, whether they're in the midst
of a conflict.
They might just come to you onenight and just say you know, I
hate my sibling for X, y and Z.
We're not going to respond tothat negatively.
You know how could you say that?
What do you mean?
Look at all these positive waysthat you see them.
We're just going to come backto them like a therapist hey,
I'm so sorry, that's so hard.
That's a really big feeling tohave about somebody who's so
(16:48):
close to you.
And, by the way, it's not allthat bad when you do that.
Usually they respond with yeah,well, they're not so bad
actually.
Right, sometimes they just haveto say it to get off their
chest.
And once they hear it in theirown ears from coming out of
their own mouth they go oh,that's a little far.
But if you say it's a littlefar, then they'll double down.
So you just accept it.
You hear it, you're the safevessel.
(17:09):
Vessel, keep everybody safe.
Principle three we're going toget to in one second, but I do
want to make one quick call out.
I got to do this.
I've been told all the timethat I have to do this.
If you want a place to know, ifyou want to know where to go,
go to the show notes right now.
Click on the first link andthat's how you can get onto the
list of people who receives anemail every single time an
episode is published.
I try and publish two episodesa week.
(17:30):
It doesn't always happen.
Sometimes it's only one.
You know, for the last severalweeks it was zero, but but when
an episode is released you willbe the first one to know.
You'll get an email in yourinbox with a link to that.
It'll have the show notes inthe description there.
It's a super simple way to makesure that you don't miss any
episodes and make sure thatyou've rated and reviewed this
podcast.
I said that I was going to goin in the last episode and tell
(17:51):
you who was winning and who waslosing in the whole parent
review games between the Spotifyand Apple podcast listeners.
And so I have done that, and Ican tell you that the numbers
have flipped.
There was a time when the Applepodcast listeners were greatly
outperforming the Spotifylisteners, but, as it stands
(18:14):
today, there are 122 of you onApple Podcasts who have rated
and reviewed this show.
On Spotify, there are let memake sure I get this number
right, I'm pulling it up rightnow 169.
So for those of you ApplePodcast listeners which, by the
way, I also have the metrics on,this is 70 plus percent of you,
(18:37):
so the overwhelming majority ofyou listen on Apple podcasts,
and yet you guys are reallylagging behind.
Now, I'm not saying this in ashame based way.
I am fostering a healthy spiritof competition, though, because
you guys are not siblings.
The Spotify whole parent nationand the Apple podcast you guys
are not siblings, and so I'mgoing to foster a little bit of
(18:58):
healthy competition and tell youif you are a Spotify user and
you keep this up, I don't thinkthat the Apple users can catch
you and then I'll say to you asan Apple user, you guys have the
numbers.
If you guys are underperformingon the review games here, that's
on you.
You guys have the numbers theSpotify people make up.
Like do you guys outnumber theSpotify people?
(19:19):
I think two to one or somethingclose to that, and yet the
Spotify people have what?
40 plus reviews on you guys,almost 50 more reviews than you.
They got you by 30 plus percent, 40%, I can't do the numbers in
my head right now.
That's a lot.
So Apple people get on it, rateand review.
(19:39):
I do read all the reviews too,but at least rate it five stars
If you're an Apple listener, sothat you guys can catch up.
And I will keep updating you ona weekly basis, potentially on
the Thursday episodes on who iswinning, because this, this is a
big this.
I I keep track of this, I do.
I do maintain my listenershiphere.
I do check the reviews, I checkthe ratings, and so I don't
(20:01):
care about the number ofdownloads I get.
I care about the number ofpeople who take time to review.
So if you like this episode orany episode, make sure that you
go into your favorite podcastinghosting place and review it.
And to the YouTube people whoare like what do I listen on
YouTube.
I'm sorry, guys, I don't knowanything about yours, but I know
that a lot of the YouTubepeople get to watch the video,
so that's like really cool, youguys.
You guys are winning in yourown way, which is which is great
(20:23):
.
Okay, back to what we're talkingabout with raising siblings and
, specifically, handling siblingconflict.
I'm going to present you with,kind of, my piece de l'essence.
I don't know how to speakFrench, but I think that's how
it's said.
If somebody can correct myFrench, I'd appreciate it.
My pinnacle, my contribution tothe conversation about raising
(20:44):
siblings, and that is the littleturn of phrase parents need to
be mediators, not arbitrators.
Mediators, not arbitrators.
If anyone who has ever read theterms and conditions on any of
the things that you sign inorder to you know, listen to
anything or go on any of yourdevices, has ever read, like I
(21:05):
said, the terms and conditions,you will see that a lot of them
have what's called a mandatoryarbitration clause.
Arbitration is a legalproceeding whereby two parties
who have a grievance go in frontof a judge and the judge gets
to decide what the most fairoutcome of that grievance would
(21:27):
be, and the idea of arbitrationis that they are the party with
all the power, so both sides getto share their piece, but
ultimately, the person orpersons party with all the power
, so both sides get to sharetheir piece, but ultimately the
side, the person or persons whohave all the power is the
arbitrator.
This is how most parents thinkthat they are supposed to handle
sibling conflict.
They come in as this force,this arbitrator, who says I make
(21:47):
the rules and I will decidewhat's fair, and you get one
cookie.
And you get one cookie.
And that's how this is going togo.
And we think of this because ourkids tend to be illogical, they
tend to be irrational.
They're just kids, right?
That's what happens.
And because of that we thinkarbitration is the way in which
parents should cope with siblingconflict.
Not so, actually, if you wantyour siblings to learn to get
(22:11):
along without you and actuallyavoid a lot of the pitfalls that
we talked about in principleone, being a team, especially in
principle two, with with beinga safe person, not taking sides,
you can't be an arbitratorbecause in arbitration, almost
always someone feels like theylost.
That's kind of like a hallmarkof arbitration.
That's why a lot of peopledon't like arbitration is
(22:33):
because almost always thearbitrator will.
Even if they give someconsolation to both parties,
they'll almost always give moreto one party than the other.
They, they side, they pick aside.
If you're a parent and you'reacting as an arbitrator, you're
going to inevitably in the eyesof your child, even if it's not
in your own perspective picksides.
You don't want to do that.
(22:54):
Instead, you're going to act asa mediator.
So mediator mediation is adifferent type of legal
proceeding and a mediator isinstead a person who just acts
as a communication bridgebetween two grieved parties.
So when I worked in HR, I oftenparticipated in mediation
(23:14):
between as on the on the part ofmy company, with people who had
been at that company before andwho had fired or terminated or
who had left, and we weren't inan arbitration setting where the
person got to decide okay, this, this company has to pay X
amount and you know, or thisperson just gets nothing or
whatever.
We were in a mediation, whichis the mediator is only there to
(23:37):
make sure that the parties areable to communicate effectively.
So basically, what a mediatordoes, what an arbitrator does,
is an arbitrator literally saysyou're right, you're wrong, or
you're mostly right, you'remostly wrong.
And here's how I'm going to fixthe solution.
What a mediator does instead issays okay, what I'm hearing you
say is this Is that right?
Okay, are you understandingwhat they're saying now?
Okay, can I get your side ofthe story now?
(23:58):
Okay, so what you're sayinghappened is this and what you're
saying happened is this.
So how can we reconcile thesetwo things?
So the mediator has essentiallyno power.
I mean, they do have power inthat they are the person who's
bridging the gap, but they don'tget to make a final decision.
The parties have to agree inmediation on that final outcome.
(24:19):
And if you can approach everyparental conflict with your
sibling children with yourchildren who are siblings as a
mediator, you're going to haveso much more success in the
longterm.
Trust me when I say it is wayharder in the short term to not
just come in and just be thelong arm of the law and just say
this is what we're doing andyou guys can deal with it Right.
And a lot of parents try and dothe arbitration thing by making
(24:41):
everyone lose.
Well, that's not good either.
You don't want anybody to lose,because what's your kid going
to do?
They're going to place theblame on their sibling.
They're not going to place theblame on you, and if two kids
lose, that's just two kids whoplace the blame on each other,
instead of either of themactually coming to any sort of
reconciliation.
Mediator, on the other hand, isa person who just acts as the
communication bridge, so theyjust listen and they say what
(25:03):
I'm hearing is this, what I'mhearing is this.
That's really hard.
Validate the experience.
What do you think we should doabout that?
Okay, what do you think weshould do about that?
Okay, what do you think weshould do about that?
Okay, is that agreeable to you?
No, okay, why not?
All you're doing is acting asthe bridge to communicate.
Eventually, your kids are goingto learn how to communicate and
they're not going to need youanymore.
(25:23):
You shouldn't be mediating everyconflict between an
eight-year-old and asix-year-old, or a
seven-year-old and anine-year-old and a
nine-year-old or a 10-year-old.
You should not be mediatingevery conversation, for sure,
between 16-year-olds and13-year-olds.
You should be very muchhands-off at that point, at
least to an extent, where yourchildren are learning to
(25:46):
navigate those conflicts ontheir own.
Now, that being said, you'regoing to have to mediate a whole
heck of a lot more conflictsearly on in order to get to that
point.
So if you arbitrate early on,they're going to expect you to
arbitrate forever.
But if you mediate, they'regoing to actually learn how to
have those conversations andflourish in that relationship
(26:06):
beyond your intervention in it.
And so mediator, not arbitrator.
So the principles again.
I'm just listing them becausewe're out of time.
I got to let you guys go.
I know I'm making theseepisodes, especially these
topical ones, a little bit toolong, but three principles again
to navigating sibling conflicts.
(26:28):
Nothing you can do about it.
So this is what we do.
Number one we're arguing withthe we in mind.
We are on a team.
First and foremost, we'relooking for win-win solutions,
in other words.
Number two we're always thesafe person, always To bring
your grievances to all thatstuff.
(26:48):
And number three we're notgoing to take that role as a
safe person and become thisjudge and jury.
We're not arbitrators.
There may be occasional timeswhen you may have to act a
little bit like an arbitrator,but ultimately our goal, 99
times out of a hundred, at leastnine out of 10 times, is to
mediate the conflict, where wejust act as the communication
partner.
It takes much longer.
(27:09):
It may require sending peopleto their corners for an hour
before you actually mediate theconflict.
Hot heads cannot usually have amediated conflict.
Sometimes you have to break offthe mediation and then come
back together when cooler headshave prevailed.
But those are your threeprinciples for navigating
sibling conflicts and I think ifyou take these three principles
(27:29):
and you run with them, alongwith everything else we're
talking about in this podcast, Ithink you're going to foster
kids who have lifelongfriendships, who genuinely like
each other, even when they'regrown and out of your house.
So yeah, that's what I got foryou today and no call to action
at the end.
I've already given you all thatbecause we've already out of
time.
Just know that this has beenSiblings Part Two and or
(27:52):
Navigating Sibling Conflicts onthe Whole Parent Podcast.
See you guys next.
Hello and welcome to this episode of the
whole parent podcast.
My name is John.
I am the host of the wholeparent podcast and the creator
of whole parent on all of thesocial medias that you may be on
.
If you have not heard anepisode from me in a while,
that's because I haven't beenposting very much recently, but
I'm going to try and get back onthe horse and post again as
(00:21):
much as I possibly, because Ireally enjoy making this podcast
and now that I'm bringing WholeParent back after a couple
month break, I am excited to betalking about all of the things
that we are talking about.
And speaking about somethingthat I'm really excited to be
talking about.
We're talking today aboutraising siblings, and so I'm
calling this episode RaisingSiblings Part Two.
I don't know how many partsthere are going to be that this
(00:43):
whole raising sibling series butway back in March, the first
week of March, we posted, or Iposted, the first episode that I
had on raising siblings, and Iwant to start this episode with
a little bit of review, becausethis episode is going to be all
about sibling conflict, and somaybe I'll call it sibling
conflict, but this is siblingspart two, if you're listening to
(01:03):
it.
If you're waiting for siblingspart two, this is it.
But this episode is all aboutconflict how do we handle,
navigate sibling conflict?
Because it is inevitable and Iwant to start again with a
little bit of review from thatepisode where I talked about how
inevitable the sibling conflictis, and I want to just
(01:24):
highlight here again and saysomething that I said then and I
encourage you to listen to thewhole episode.
The whole episode is good.
I've gotten a lot of positivefeedback about that episode in
particular, especially fromparents who are siblings or who
themselves are siblings, butalso parents of siblings,
parents who are raising morethan one child, and one of the
positive things that people havecome back and said raising more
(01:44):
than one child and one of thepositive things that people have
come back and said is thatsibling conflict is unavoidable,
that you have two distinctpersonalities living in the same
house.
These two individuals have notagreed to live in this house
together.
You have conflict with yourpartner.
Every good relationship hassome level of conflict.
If you can imagine, you pickedliving with your partner and you
still kind of fight with thisperson.
(02:05):
Sometimes you argue.
Most likely you have conflict,things happen.
You do things differently, andthis is a person who you've
chosen to spend the rest of yourlife with, that you've chosen
to live with that, you've chosento have children with and move
in with in most cases.
And so, like the fact that yourkids, who have made none of
those choices for themselves,are going to not always get
(02:27):
along with their siblings, comeon, that's just par for the
course, that's just what it is,and so understanding that
reality that your kids are goingto fight is really, really
important to begin there.
And in that episode I talkabout the importance of positive
experiences outweighing thosenegative experiences, and that
the research tells us that themore positive experiences
(02:49):
siblings have together and themore of those positive
experiences can outweigh thenegative experiences, the better
off they are.
But how do we navigate thosenegative experiences right?
How do we navigate thoseconflicts?
Because it goes beyond justsaying, well, outweigh them.
Yes, some of them are avoidableand we are going to outweigh
those with positive experiencesfamily fun factor, all that
other stuff.
But beyond that, how are wegoing to actually navigate those
(03:16):
moments?
And the first I'm going to giveis that we, as parents, need to
(03:41):
foster a team-centricenvironment around our kids as
siblings, a team-centricenvironment.
Write it down, get a tattoowe're all on a team.
If I ever write a sequel to thebook I'm writing now, I think
most likely it will be a bookabout raising siblings.
(04:02):
Why Number one?
Because I think it's somethingthat we need to talk about more.
As a parenting community, weare so focused on how parents
parent their individual children.
What we often fail to realizeis that there's an
intersectionality when you'reraising more than one human at
once, and that without talkingabout siblings, that we're never
(04:26):
going to understand parentingas a holistic thing.
And I don't know if you knewthis, but my name is whole
parent and this is like a bigholistic, wholehearted living is
a big reason why we use thatterm whole parent, as the name,
and so, understanding that thisis a holistic part of parenting
raising siblings we have tobegin with this idea of team
(04:47):
building, and why the reason Isaid the siblings thing or that
I would write a follow-up bookabout siblings, is because I'd
probably call it something liketeam parenting or parenting a
team or leading a team orsomething, because I think this
is the place to begin.
Everybody's on a team and I'mprobably mentioned this to some
extent in the last episode aboutsiblings.
But if you don't begin there thefirst principle we are all
(05:11):
seeking each other's flourishingand good then the conflict is
never going to manifest inpositive ways.
You have to begin with thiskind of win-win mindset where
your child realizes and yourmultiple, your children, realize
that when you're interactingwith them, that you're never
going to do something so thatthey win and their sibling loses
(05:35):
.
You're never going to beparenting from a perspective of
trying to create winners andlosers within your own household
.
Now I think sometimes whenyou're playing a board game with
your kids and this is anotherhot tip don't don't do that.
You play board games with yourkids, but don't play board games
where they have to be againsteach other.
There's just no reason to tofeed into the rivalry any more
(05:58):
than it already is right.
If there's, if there's, onekind of takeaway tip that I'm
not going to talk aboutextensively in this episode
about sibling conflicts, it'sdon't fuel the fire.
The fire is already there.
Kids naturally have a sense ofrivalry.
They're competing with eachother in their own minds for
your attention and for resourcesand all that other stuff.
There's no reason that you needto make them be on opposite
(06:21):
baseball teams, that you need toplay Monopoly on Friday night
with them and watch one of thembeat up on the other one.
There's no reason to pourgasoline on that fire.
Just don't add more conflictand competition than there
already is.
That's going to exist no matterwhat.
So that's principle number oneof raising siblings.
It's really, really simple.
You have to instill in yourkids it's us against the world
(06:44):
and I don't want to.
That's.
That's kind of a weird thingfor me to say.
That's the thing that we say inmy family, and my wife used to,
and I used to say to oneanother before we even had kids
hey, it's Jess and John againstthe world.
But this is something that isreally important for you to
instill in your kids that hey,if we are going to go forward as
a family unit, we're doing soas a team and we have to
(07:07):
understand your children assiblings, have to understand
that you are not going to doanything that is specifically
against their flourishing.
And so when I talk to my kidsabout why I'm taking certain
discipline steps with theirsiblings, why we're going to do
this now or why we're going tothat now or why nobody can have
ice cream until everybodyfinishes whatever they're going
(07:29):
to eat for dinner.
Not like you have to clean yourplate, but you see what I'm
saying, right?
Like we're not going to move onto the next thing until
everybody crosses the finishline over here.
Like I will make that veryclear to them and because of
that they understand we're on ateam and so helping my sibling
to achieve their goals is goingto help me achieve my goals.
(07:50):
Not that a kid has to beresponsible all the time for
their siblings, especially theiryounger siblings, but that
helping is going to lead to, youknow, shared enjoyment.
And so we're all going to cleanup right now or dad's going to
clean.
This is what we've been doing.
At six 30 every night, when mymiddle child goes to bed, my
youngest is still taking a nap,so he stays up.
Later.
My middle one goes to bed, mywife puts him down and then I
(08:12):
got the other two for the lasthour of the day and what we've
been doing is hey, my, my oldestreally doesn't like cleaning,
it's really hard for him, hejust really with it and that's
not to say that we never work onthat and pick up our toys and
stuff like that we do.
We work on that.
Frustration, tolerance.
But sometimes I'm like, hey,your little brother, two years
old, is just going to be tearingup everything in the other room
(08:32):
while we're trying to cleanthis room.
How about you take him outsideand entertain him in the
backyard?
You play games with him, you dowhatever.
You're going to babysit, forlack of a better term, and I'm
not giving him anything to dothat but he doesn't have to
clean, so, so he doesn't have toclean.
I'll clean the house on theinside, I'll do the dishes, do
whatever, whatever we need to do, he'll go watch his brother.
Team mindset we're all movingtowards the same thing.
(08:54):
Hey, he knows, every night,once his little brother gets his
teeth brushed, whatever there'sgoing to be some time between
when I have now gone into myyoungest room to put him down
and my wife comes out from themiddle's room which she, which
he, shares with my oldest.
And he knows, hey, if I can getmy little brother through his
bedtime routine, if I can helphim do that, then that means,
(09:17):
you know, I'm going to have alittle bit more free time for
myself to do what I want to doon my own, whether that's.
You know, whatever, playMinecraft is usually what he
does during that time.
So all of this stuff like lead,this team mindset, that's how
we get away from the conflict.
So many of the conflicts comefrom this, these, these places
where kids are in conflictbecause they don't see that
they're a part of a teamtogether, that they're all
(09:39):
working towards the same goals.
When you have people moving inthe same direction, a lot of
that little titchy, touchy, youknow, spat stuff can go away,
all right.
Principle number two you have tobe the safe person.
So now we're into the conflicthere.
It is when you're in the middleof a conflict with your child,
or when your children, I shouldsay, are in the middle of a
(10:01):
conflict between one another.
You have to become the safeperson.
What do we mean by the safeperson?
Basically, three things.
Safe in three ways.
Safe person number one If achild brings something to you
hey, my older brother is beingmean because of X, y, z you need
to be a safe person, to be anempathetic listener To not.
(10:23):
Well, yeah, but you were doingthis thing, and when you do that
, that's what's going to happen.
I'm a, I'm a perpetrator ofthat.
I do that all the time.
I will turn my my kids'conflicts into lectures about
why they shouldn't have been.
You know you shouldn't havebeen shooting your brother with
Nerf darts If.
If you didn't want him to shootyour, you would Nerf guards.
You know I say that stuff allthe time but really, if it's a
(10:45):
true conflict you don't want togo there.
You want to be a safe personthat they can bring anything to.
Who just says, yeah, I knowthat's really hard and remember,
you're still team mindset.
That was principle one, so youdon't get to blame their sibling
, but you still become the safeperson.
To just hear it.
You're going to be a safe personin the second way too.
Whatever they say you got to,it's got to stay with you.
(11:08):
I'm not saying you can't tellyour partner.
You should be able to,especially if they're
trustworthy and they're notgoing to share it with the kids.
But if they say I hate mysister and I wish she were dead
and I never want to see heragain and I wish that you would
have just never had her andshe's the worst, you're not
going to punish, discipline,react negatively to that at all.
(11:30):
You have to be a safe vesselfor their word vomit about their
sibling.
That's the second way in whichyou have to be a safe person and
, by the way, this applies toboth siblings.
So maybe when you in in myprinciple three, when we talk
about that, we're talking aboutactually navigating this
conflict, having theconversation, being the person
between your kids.
(11:51):
You still have to be able toabsorb, retain and hold those
words, those experiences, thosefeelings from both parties.
And oftentimes in a conflictbetween siblings there's no one
who is in the total right and noone in the total wrong.
But but oftentimes other timesthere's going to be one kid who
(12:12):
is the total antagonist of thissituation.
They just woke up on the wrongside of the bed or something
happened at school, whatever,and they just totally took it
out on their sibling and it's.
You can't see how validatingtheir perspective could possibly
be healthy.
But you have to be the safeperson because here's the thing
(12:32):
If your kids can say it to you,they won't act on it more often
than not.
So if your kids can say to you,I just want to punch him in the
head, I just want to throw himoff the roof of the house,
they're far less likely to takematters into their own hands and
actually get violent.
Now, sure, in a moment ofconflict, kids do sometimes take
(12:53):
swings, they push.
You know we can talk about whythat's not appropriate and how,
how we can redirect that type ofbehavior and learn to
communicate and all this stuffis doing that.
But if you're worried about,true, like I'm going to go out
and retribution, take revenge onmy, my sibling, if they can say
it to you, they're far lesslikely to do it.
Now, if they say it to you andthey're immediately met with,
(13:16):
how could you say that aboutyour little brother?
How dare you say that aboutyour older sister?
She has been nothing but niceto you.
Then you're not being a safeperson and all of that rage will
not be directed at you.
It will be confirmed on theirsibling.
Here is one of the pivotalthings we have to remember in
the midst of sibling conflict.
I didn't know when I was goingto put this into this episode,
but I knew it was going to findits way somewhere.
It's one of the pivotal thingsyou need to understand.
(13:38):
Your child has an evolutionarysurvival instinct to maintain
closeness to you.
They have an evolutionarysurvival and survival instinct
to give you the benefit of thedoubt.
You can hurt your child, youcan torment your child, you can
bully your child, and they willkeep coming back.
Why?
Because you are intrinsicallyimportant for their survival,
(13:58):
both in their evolutionary mindand even in their base
understanding of nurture.
In the world today, you are somassively important that they
will not sacrifice thatrelationship unless they
absolutely have to.
And their sibling is not sorry,they're not.
They don't hold the same place.
And so when it seems likeyou're teaming up with their
(14:20):
sibling or you're punishing themfor the actions of their
sibling, or you're being they'rebeing punished because of
something they did to theirsibling, do you think that
they're ever going to blame you?
No, they will always blametheir sibling.
And so if they come to you andthey say I just pushed him down
the stairs and I know he's goingto come get me, and you turn on
(14:41):
them and say how dare you dothat?
You're grounded for a month, orgo to your room and I don't
want to speak to you or see youagain, paradoxically, they're
not going to be upset with you,they're going to be upset with
their sibling, and this has beenverified by so many family and
marriage therapists and familycounselors and psychologists.
They see this all the time.
(15:02):
Even adult siblings have notprocessed through the ways in
which their parent reactedinappropriately and they took
that inappropriate reaction,that inappropriate response from
their parent and pushed it backon their sibling.
They hit their sibling.
The parent spanked the child.
Who was the culprit?
Who hit their sibling?
(15:24):
The parent spanked the child.
Who was the culprit?
Who hit that child?
Who hit now takes thatanimosity back onto their
sibling.
Happens all the time.
You have to be a safe person.
You have to be a vessel who canhold and not break and not
crack and not go to your ownstuff.
And if you can't be, then yougot to go to somebody and get
help.
So when their child comes toyou and they say this is a
situation, you're just going tolisten and say I'm sorry, that's
so hard, that's it, that's allyou're going to do.
(15:45):
And the last thing part ofsafety is that your child has to
know that, no matter what, atthe end you're seeking their
flourishing and their and theirsiblings flourishing.
So it goes back to the teammindset thing.
So that's what I mean by safety.
You have to be a safe personand you have to protect them,
right, if you're.
If a lot of people don't likethis.
(16:06):
They think that this feelsunjust.
But you know, one sibling hurtsanother sibling.
We can process that later in aconversation about why we don't
do that, but in the moment, ifyou invite their sibling to take
revenge on them in whatever way, you are only perpetuating the
harm long-term.
So that's principle two youhave to be a safe person for
(16:28):
them to bring their frustrations, whether they're in the midst
of a conflict.
They might just come to you onenight and just say you know, I
hate my sibling for X, y and Z.
We're not going to respond tothat negatively.
You know how could you say that?
What do you mean?
Look at all these positive waysthat you see them.
We're just going to come backto them like a therapist hey,
I'm so sorry, that's so hard.
That's a really big feeling tohave about somebody who's so
(16:48):
close to you.
And, by the way, it's not allthat bad when you do that.
Usually they respond with yeah,well, they're not so bad
actually.
Right, sometimes they just haveto say it to get off their
chest.
And once they hear it in theirown ears from coming out of
their own mouth they go oh,that's a little far.
But if you say it's a littlefar, then they'll double down.
So you just accept it.
You hear it, you're the safevessel.
(17:09):
Vessel, keep everybody safe.
Principle three we're going toget to in one second, but I do
want to make one quick call out.
I got to do this.
I've been told all the timethat I have to do this.
If you want a place to know, ifyou want to know where to go,
go to the show notes right now.
Click on the first link andthat's how you can get onto the
list of people who receives anemail every single time an
episode is published.
I try and publish two episodesa week.
(17:30):
It doesn't always happen.
Sometimes it's only one.
You know, for the last severalweeks it was zero, but but when
an episode is released you willbe the first one to know.
You'll get an email in yourinbox with a link to that.
It'll have the show notes inthe description there.
It's a super simple way to makesure that you don't miss any
episodes and make sure thatyou've rated and reviewed this
podcast.
I said that I was going to goin in the last episode and tell
(17:51):
you who was winning and who waslosing in the whole parent
review games between the Spotifyand Apple podcast listeners.
And so I have done that, and Ican tell you that the numbers
have flipped.
There was a time when the Applepodcast listeners were greatly
outperforming the Spotifylisteners, but, as it stands
(18:14):
today, there are 122 of you onApple Podcasts who have rated
and reviewed this show.
On Spotify, there are let memake sure I get this number
right, I'm pulling it up rightnow 169.
So for those of you ApplePodcast listeners which, by the
way, I also have the metrics on,this is 70 plus percent of you,
(18:37):
so the overwhelming majority ofyou listen on Apple podcasts,
and yet you guys are reallylagging behind.
Now, I'm not saying this in ashame based way.
I am fostering a healthy spiritof competition, though, because
you guys are not siblings.
The Spotify whole parent nationand the Apple podcast you guys
are not siblings, and so I'mgoing to foster a little bit of
(18:58):
healthy competition and tell youif you are a Spotify user and
you keep this up, I don't thinkthat the Apple users can catch
you and then I'll say to you asan Apple user, you guys have the
numbers.
If you guys are underperformingon the review games here, that's
on you.
You guys have the numbers theSpotify people make up.
Like do you guys outnumber theSpotify people?
(19:19):
I think two to one or somethingclose to that, and yet the
Spotify people have what?
40 plus reviews on you guys,almost 50 more reviews than you.
They got you by 30 plus percent, 40%, I can't do the numbers in
my head right now.
That's a lot.
So Apple people get on it, rateand review.
(19:39):
I do read all the reviews too,but at least rate it five stars
If you're an Apple listener, sothat you guys can catch up.
And I will keep updating you ona weekly basis, potentially on
the Thursday episodes on who iswinning, because this, this is a
big this.
I I keep track of this, I do.
I do maintain my listenershiphere.
I do check the reviews, I checkthe ratings, and so I don't
(20:01):
care about the number ofdownloads I get.
I care about the number ofpeople who take time to review.
So if you like this episode orany episode, make sure that you
go into your favorite podcastinghosting place and review it.
And to the YouTube people whoare like what do I listen on
YouTube.
I'm sorry, guys, I don't knowanything about yours, but I know
that a lot of the YouTubepeople get to watch the video,
so that's like really cool, youguys.
You guys are winning in yourown way, which is which is great
(20:23):
.
Okay, back to what we're talkingabout with raising siblings and
, specifically, handling siblingconflict.
I'm going to present you with,kind of, my piece de l'essence.
I don't know how to speakFrench, but I think that's how
it's said.
If somebody can correct myFrench, I'd appreciate it.
My pinnacle, my contribution tothe conversation about raising
(20:44):
siblings, and that is the littleturn of phrase parents need to
be mediators, not arbitrators.
Mediators, not arbitrators.
If anyone who has ever read theterms and conditions on any of
the things that you sign inorder to you know, listen to
anything or go on any of yourdevices, has ever read, like I
(21:05):
said, the terms and conditions,you will see that a lot of them
have what's called a mandatoryarbitration clause.
Arbitration is a legalproceeding whereby two parties
who have a grievance go in frontof a judge and the judge gets
to decide what the most fairoutcome of that grievance would
(21:27):
be, and the idea of arbitrationis that they are the party with
all the power, so both sides getto share their piece, but
ultimately, the person orpersons party with all the power
, so both sides get to sharetheir piece, but ultimately the
side, the person or persons whohave all the power is the
arbitrator.
This is how most parents thinkthat they are supposed to handle
sibling conflict.
They come in as this force,this arbitrator, who says I make
(21:47):
the rules and I will decidewhat's fair, and you get one
cookie.
And you get one cookie.
And that's how this is going togo.
And we think of this because ourkids tend to be illogical, they
tend to be irrational.
They're just kids, right?
That's what happens.
And because of that we thinkarbitration is the way in which
parents should cope with siblingconflict.
Not so, actually, if you wantyour siblings to learn to get
(22:11):
along without you and actuallyavoid a lot of the pitfalls that
we talked about in principleone, being a team, especially in
principle two, with with beinga safe person, not taking sides,
you can't be an arbitratorbecause in arbitration, almost
always someone feels like theylost.
That's kind of like a hallmarkof arbitration.
That's why a lot of peopledon't like arbitration is
(22:33):
because almost always thearbitrator will.
Even if they give someconsolation to both parties,
they'll almost always give moreto one party than the other.
They, they side, they pick aside.
If you're a parent and you'reacting as an arbitrator, you're
going to inevitably in the eyesof your child, even if it's not
in your own perspective picksides.
You don't want to do that.
(22:54):
Instead, you're going to act asa mediator.
So mediator mediation is adifferent type of legal
proceeding and a mediator isinstead a person who just acts
as a communication bridgebetween two grieved parties.
So when I worked in HR, I oftenparticipated in mediation
(23:14):
between as on the on the part ofmy company, with people who had
been at that company before andwho had fired or terminated or
who had left, and we weren't inan arbitration setting where the
person got to decide okay, this, this company has to pay X
amount and you know, or thisperson just gets nothing or
whatever.
We were in a mediation, whichis the mediator is only there to
(23:37):
make sure that the parties areable to communicate effectively.
So basically, what a mediatordoes, what an arbitrator does,
is an arbitrator literally saysyou're right, you're wrong, or
you're mostly right, you'remostly wrong.
And here's how I'm going to fixthe solution.
What a mediator does instead issays okay, what I'm hearing you
say is this Is that right?
Okay, are you understandingwhat they're saying now?
Okay, can I get your side ofthe story now?
(23:58):
Okay, so what you're sayinghappened is this and what you're
saying happened is this.
So how can we reconcile thesetwo things?
So the mediator has essentiallyno power.
I mean, they do have power inthat they are the person who's
bridging the gap, but they don'tget to make a final decision.
The parties have to agree inmediation on that final outcome.
(24:19):
And if you can approach everyparental conflict with your
sibling children with yourchildren who are siblings as a
mediator, you're going to haveso much more success in the
longterm.
Trust me when I say it is wayharder in the short term to not
just come in and just be thelong arm of the law and just say
this is what we're doing andyou guys can deal with it Right.
And a lot of parents try and dothe arbitration thing by making
(24:41):
everyone lose.
Well, that's not good either.
You don't want anybody to lose,because what's your kid going
to do?
They're going to place theblame on their sibling.
They're not going to place theblame on you, and if two kids
lose, that's just two kids whoplace the blame on each other,
instead of either of themactually coming to any sort of
reconciliation.
Mediator, on the other hand, isa person who just acts as the
communication bridge, so theyjust listen and they say what
(25:03):
I'm hearing is this, what I'mhearing is this.
That's really hard.
Validate the experience.
What do you think we should doabout that?
Okay, what do you think weshould do about that?
Okay, what do you think weshould do about that?
Okay, is that agreeable to you?
No, okay, why not?
All you're doing is acting asthe bridge to communicate.
Eventually, your kids are goingto learn how to communicate and
they're not going to need youanymore.
(25:23):
You shouldn't be mediating everyconflict between an
eight-year-old and asix-year-old, or a
seven-year-old and anine-year-old and a
nine-year-old or a 10-year-old.
You should not be mediatingevery conversation, for sure,
between 16-year-olds and13-year-olds.
You should be very muchhands-off at that point, at
least to an extent, where yourchildren are learning to
(25:46):
navigate those conflicts ontheir own.
Now, that being said, you'regoing to have to mediate a whole
heck of a lot more conflictsearly on in order to get to that
point.
So if you arbitrate early on,they're going to expect you to
arbitrate forever.
But if you mediate, they'regoing to actually learn how to
have those conversations andflourish in that relationship
(26:06):
beyond your intervention in it.
And so mediator, not arbitrator.
So the principles again.
I'm just listing them becausewe're out of time.
I got to let you guys go.
I know I'm making theseepisodes, especially these
topical ones, a little bit toolong, but three principles again
to navigating sibling conflicts.
(26:28):
Nothing you can do about it.
So this is what we do.
Number one we're arguing withthe we in mind.
We are on a team.
First and foremost, we'relooking for win-win solutions,
in other words.
Number two we're always thesafe person, always To bring
your grievances to all thatstuff.
(26:48):
And number three we're notgoing to take that role as a
safe person and become thisjudge and jury.
We're not arbitrators.
There may be occasional timeswhen you may have to act a
little bit like an arbitrator,but ultimately our goal, 99
times out of a hundred, at leastnine out of 10 times, is to
mediate the conflict, where wejust act as the communication
partner.
It takes much longer.
(27:09):
It may require sending peopleto their corners for an hour
before you actually mediate theconflict.
Hot heads cannot usually have amediated conflict.
Sometimes you have to break offthe mediation and then come
back together when cooler headshave prevailed.
But those are your threeprinciples for navigating
sibling conflicts and I think ifyou take these three principles
(27:29):
and you run with them, alongwith everything else we're
talking about in this podcast, Ithink you're going to foster
kids who have lifelongfriendships, who genuinely like
each other, even when they'regrown and out of your house.
So yeah, that's what I got foryou today and no call to action
at the end.
I've already given you all thatbecause we've already out of
time.
Just know that this has beenSiblings Part Two and or
(27:52):
Navigating Sibling Conflicts onthe Whole Parent Podcast.
See you guys next.
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