January 1, 2025 • 53 mins
Welcome back to Unhinged Memoirs! In this episode, we’re diving into a lesson many of us had to learn the hard way: You don’t have to fix them.
If you’ve ever been the emotional handyman in someone else’s life—patching up their wounds, smoothing over their chaos, and pouring yourself into someone who can’t even meet you halfway—this one’s for you. We’re calling out that fixer mentality, breaking down where it comes from, and figuring out how to put it to rest once and for all.
Because here’s the truth: people aren’t projects, and you are not a renovation team. It’s not your job to fix, save, or carry someone who doesn’t want to grow. And honestly? It’s exhausting. So grab a drink, sit back, and let’s unpack the emotional baggage of trying to fix everyone but ourselves.
What to Expect:
• Where the Fixer Mentality Comes From:
We’re talking childhood dynamics, past relationships, and how life taught us to equate love with “fixing.”
• Why Fixing People is a Trap:
Spoiler alert: you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to save themselves.
• Our Personal Fixer Stories:
• Liz: “I thought if I just loved them hard enough, they’d finally see their worth. Instead, I lost sight of my own.”
• Jess: “I was the unpaid therapist in every relationship I’ve ever been in—until I realized no one was doing the same for me.”
• Val: “I didn’t just try to fix people; I built entire scaffolding around their chaos. Guess who it collapsed on?”
• Setting Boundaries and Letting Go:
How to stop trying to “fix” others and focus on healing yourself instead.
• Redefining Love:
What it really means to support someone without carrying their emotional baggage for them.
Takeaways:
• You can love and support someone without trying to fix them. Their healing is their responsibility.
• Fixing others often comes at the cost of your own well-being—protect your peace.
• Setting boundaries isn’t selfish; it’s necessary for healthy relationships.
Call to Action:
• Have you ever tried to fix someone? Share your story with us! DM us or email [Your Podcast Email]. We might feature your experience in a future episode.
• Follow us for more real talk and unfiltered moments: [Your Social Media Handles].
• Don’t forget to subscribe, rate, and review! Your feedback helps us continue unpacking the unhinged moments of life.
Outro:
Thanks for listening to Unhinged Memoirs! Remember, you are not a fixer-upper crew, and it’s okay to let people figure out their own mess. Protect your peace, focus on your own growth, and let others take responsibility for theirs. Until next time, stay unhinged, stay strong, and remember: You don’t have to fix them.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I just want you to know that I'm sorry.
(00:02):
What's up everyone!
Welcome back to Unhinged Memoirs Episode 2!
(00:23):
Dose.
You don't have to fix them.
This one's about the exhausting, soul draining habit of taking someone else's mess like it's
your own personal project.
Guess what, News Flash.
IT'S NOT!
I'm Liz.
I'm Val.
And I'm Jess.
And today with this episode of not having to fix anybody, I take this one just a little
(00:44):
too personal because that is how it's always been.
So raise your hand if you've ever dated or just even related to a walking, talking,
fixed ripper.
Absolutely.
As all three of us raise our hands, we are not Bob the motherfucking builder.
Muffin facts.
Boy oh boy.
Let me, you know what, I'm gonna take this one guys.
I'm gonna start off because we all three know exactly who I'm about to speak on and
(01:09):
the names don't even have to be said.
So about four years ago, I, well hold on.
If we're gonna really start this about 11 years ago, I met that.
I didn't know that it was that long.
Yeah, seriously.
11 years.
I've had this fucker in my life.
Hold on.
(01:29):
Can we back story?
Can we talk about how you met him first?
Yes.
So back when plenty of fish was a huge thing.
I went fishing and I caught a minnow instead of a fucking bass.
Let's talk about that.
Or even like a Marlin.
Like I went into the pond instead of into the deep ocean.
It was a fucking shit show.
(01:51):
But I met him and he came over to Orlando, we, you know, did all the things together.
We hung out, had great times.
And then it was just like the emotional maturity was not there.
And I was like, yeah, I don't think this is going to work out.
And we kind of just dip from each other.
(02:12):
Fast forward about five or six years.
Nothing changes.
Not at all.
News slash nothing changed, but we thought it would.
And he hit me up.
I was actually with my ex at this time when all this happened.
And I was a douchebag calling myself out.
And I started talking to him thinking because I was bored in my relationship.
(02:34):
Remember, if you watched or listened to the last episode, we get bored and then we self-sabotaged.
I totally did that 1000% self-sabotaged.
And I started talking to my ex and then I made him my current, my future.
And it turned into a literal walking dumpster fire from there.
(02:59):
He had no emotional availability.
He never was held accountable for his own actions.
He pushed off on everybody.
He was a narcissist to the umpteenth degree.
And I thought, you know what?
What if I just changed this?
Or what if I did this for him?
Or what if I changed my habits on this?
I could fix his attitude and I could make him love me the way that I thought he could,
(03:24):
the way that I deserved.
We actually ended up getting pregnant and having a kid together and turned into my kid
very quickly because he was really never there for the first year and a half of my son's
life because he did not want to take that responsibility.
I kept catching him in lies, catching him in things that he would tell actually Jess
(03:48):
because Jess was best friends with him for a very long time.
They were very close and I would go to her for advice and be like, well, how the fuck
do I do this?
Because I didn't know her from Adam, but we very quickly had no choice but to get close
to each other and become best friends.
And super close.
I mean, we were white on rice with each other because I basically got dumped on her doorstep
(04:09):
and I still, even after all that was going, but what if I just did this different?
What if I was there for him emotionally?
What if I supported him because he wasn't getting paid, he wasn't working, he was doing
odd jobs to just get by.
I just thought, what if I supported him?
What if I was the woman and I actually stepped up?
(04:29):
That is just fucked up.
It's what we do.
It is.
It's 100% fucked up because I thought no matter what I did wrong, I could fix it.
And I always put the blame on myself because that I thought in that moment, he needed somebody
to sit there and have the blame put on other than him taking his own self accountability
(04:51):
for something that he was doing.
Now four years later, I'm going, dude, fuck you.
You literally opposite sided the spectrum with that whole situation.
Oh yeah.
100%.
I love him because he gave me my son.
That's where the love ends though.
Anything else?
I wouldn't piss on fire to put him out.
No, I don't blame you.
(05:12):
At all.
And that's rough for me to say coming from somebody that's like, I want to help everybody
and I want to be there for everybody.
But fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, fool me three times, fuck you.
Get the fuck out.
What type of things do you think that he was doing that you were trying to overcompensate
yourself for to try to fix that relationship and why?
(05:35):
Um, well, I, well, I've always been a big girl.
Okay.
Never in my life have I been at one of the skinny ones and I've always, you know, gone
after guys who like the husky girls.
Okay.
He would sit there and tell me that I was beautiful and I was this and I was that and
I had all the things that he wanted and then would go behind my back and tell everybody
(05:59):
and God and whoever, oh, she's fat.
She's disgusting.
She's, you know, I can never believe I, she wasn't like this when we were together before.
This is not, but he would say all these hurtful, hateful things about me and I would go, okay,
well, if I would just not eat this much or if I would just go do this or if I had lost
some weight, he would be more attracted to me because come to find out not only was he
(06:22):
sleeping in me with my bed Monday through Friday, but he was fucking some other bitch
on the side on the weekends and telling her that he was working Monday through Friday
and that's why he couldn't be home with her.
Oh yeah.
Like there, there's like, there's a lot and this, this topic will come up more in our,
our other episodes that we have about narcissism and how we've persevered and survived through
that.
(06:42):
But like, I feel like narcissism and feeling like you need to fix others goes hand in hand
because 100% in trauma bonds, they go hand in hand because you were so bonded to that
person because you feel that you just need to be that person's somebody to save them
from themselves.
And in all actuality, you cannot save anybody from themselves.
(07:06):
They have to be that person's step and go, no, I'm going to change.
I'm going to do this for myself.
I'm going to make sure my life is better for everybody around me.
That's the key right there.
I need to do this for myself.
Absolutely.
And I don't think he, even to this day, he's married.
They have, you know, he, by the way, he has a million and one children.
He has at least half a football team plus two step children that he loves like, like
(07:30):
his own and he has a wife and you know what, I'm happy.
He moved on.
I'm grateful that he found somebody that does whatever he needs and whatever aspect that
is that I couldn't provide or I was not willing to provide.
I, however,
Do you think he's, he's true in that relationship in that, in that aspect?
(07:53):
If I'm answering honestly, no, because I know him, I think he's just going along with daily
routine because he feels stuck.
He feels stuck or he feels comfortable enough to know that he's not going to get that with
anybody else.
She makes good money.
So does he, you know what I mean?
And that in, in this day and age, that's a very important thing in the situation.
(08:16):
You know what I mean?
And it's terrible though.
It's sad that it has to be like that, but realistically, everybody needs to have their
foundation.
Absolutely.
And I can't blame him for that portion of it.
No, I can't.
Like I can't blame him.
He, if that's what he found happiness in, then please peace be with you, but also with
you.
(08:37):
No, but also with you, but also fuck you.
Like at the same time, it's not even peace be with you and also with you.
It's peace be with you and also fuck you.
Because you had space and opportunity to do with that with me and you chose to go find
it with somebody else who it was easier with because I was holding you accountable for your
actions.
Absolutely.
So if that's what it takes, then that's what it takes.
(08:58):
But also at the same time, I lost myself trying to fix him.
Yep.
And I think that's a common pattern in all of us who try to fix people is that you are
pouring so much into taking on their problems that you forget that you have your own.
Yep.
I remember vividly being, what was I, like seven months pregnant, big as a house.
(09:20):
Okay.
I had done everything that I could in those few months to sit there and go, because we
hit, we were on again, off again, on again, off again, on again.
I mean, it was so toxic.
Looking back at it now, like it was probably the most toxic relationship I've ever been
in.
It broke me to the point that I was sitting there going, well, what am I doing wrong?
(09:41):
And I had tried everything in my power to fix him.
I was, you know, making sure dinner was cooked for him.
I was making sure he had money so he could get drinks and stuff while he was quote unquote
working.
I was making sure that he had juice for his vapes.
I, you know, anything he needed, I was there helping him.
I think I vividly remember you giving him money and him spending that money and you're
going, where is all this money going to?
(10:01):
Because what he was saying just wasn't making sense.
Right.
So I was about seven months pregnant.
We had just gotten home.
Well, I don't know what we were doing and Jess had actually driven by because our apartment
was actually next to one of his other baby mama's apartments.
Like right next to her, right next to her.
Like I could spit in her window.
(10:23):
And she had gone to the store and she came home and she was like, Hey, where did, where
did he tell you he was?
And I was like, Oh, he said he was home sleeping.
And she was like, Hmm, what's he done?
That's a lie.
And she was like, he's actually at her house right now.
And I was like, what?
So we got in the car and we drove over there.
Oh no, excuse me.
(10:44):
You ended up moving into those apartments too.
I did actually a long, long time later, but she actually FaceTime me so I could see it.
And in that moment, I rage packed all of his stuff and threw it in a garbage bag.
Yeah.
We went over there with our asses on fire.
Yeah.
And I remember top of his van.
Through it on the top of his van, me and her ex at the time had knocked on his door because
(11:08):
we were ready to, we were ready to fucking murder people.
And what were you expecting in that moment?
I don't know.
Like I would, I honestly don't know what I was expecting other than the fact that I thought
that maybe he would come out and show some kind of remorse.
But in order for, I realized very, very, very quickly in order for somebody to show remorse,
(11:28):
they have to have a heart and they have to care.
Absolutely.
But he gives zero fucks about anybody, including his own children.
Like he loves them and he cares for them in his own way, but it's not in the way that
they all necessarily need.
And I'm sure that that comment is going to come back and bite me in the ass, but I really,
(11:48):
I don't fucking care.
The truth fucking hurts, buddy.
And if you don't like it, change it.
Do you think that you, okay.
So in losing yourself, what was your turning point?
What was the point that you were like, you know what?
I just need to take care of myself.
And what did you do to achieve that?
My getting closer to having my son,
(12:09):
that was the turning point for me.
Cause I realized me going down the path that I was still going,
trying to fix him was bringing me down to the point
where I wasn't able to take care of myself for my son.
And then it was like he was born
and my depression had gotten so bad.
So bad.
I mean, days and weeks on end where I was just moping around,
(12:31):
no nothing, like it was, it was awful.
And I apologize to you guys for it because that wasn't fair to you guys.
No, and there's no need.
But I got to that point where I was like, fuck him.
I don't need him.
I don't, I don't need him.
And like, was that hard?
Because I know that like at one point you did love him.
Was that hard for you to kind of accept that reality?
(12:52):
I love that man with my entire heart.
Okay.
And paraphrasing the last episode where we were like,
our walking red flags and how we have to, you know,
my emotional vulnerability is like zero.
He's part of the reason it is that way.
Because I was 1000% transparent with him.
(13:14):
There were no gray areas.
It was black and white.
And I gave him everything that I could.
And he did not like when I started biting back.
And I think showing myself that I had that power to sit there
and tell him, no, you're going to do it yourself.
You're going to, you're going to fix whatever needs to be fixed on your own.
I am no longer that person for you.
Go find somebody else that pushed him to be in the relationship that he's in now.
(13:38):
And that's fine.
Everybody else needs it.
I think that's the one it's the toxic kind of fixing.
It is 100%.
Like there's a difference between trying to encourage your partner to be the best
versions of themselves that you've seen.
But they have to want that first.
Absolutely.
You know what I mean?
They have to want that best version of themselves.
(13:58):
So I think that's the point where it's toxic that when we try to sit there
and fix others when they're not willing to do their own healing that you are
taking all of it on, there is no accountability of him just going,
you know what, she's going to do it for me.
Right.
And that's where it becomes the problem.
Right.
He's got mommy issues.
Like if I'm, if I'm honest, now, did he come from a broken?
(14:19):
Same.
Yeah.
Don't we all?
He didn't come from a broken home to in a sense that his mom was never there
for him.
His mom is always there for him.
His mom loves him infinitely as a mother.
But it's too a fault because she will back him up even if he is dead wrong on
anything.
Oh, see?
(14:40):
She will not tell, she will not hold him accountable.
She may tell him, oh, you fucked up or hey, you did this wrong, but she won't,
she won't tell him you need to fix it.
She's just like, oh, and it's what it is.
All right, that's who you are as a person.
Let's move on.
Yeah.
And I feel like there comes no growth with that.
There it does.
There's none, zero.
And it, and it doesn't help that his mom and I were, we used to be very close,
(15:04):
like extremely fucking close.
And then all of this stuff started happening between him and I and me and
his current wife and now.
I don't even know if she thinks I exist anymore, to be honest.
I don't think she even cares.
And that's nothing against her because she's a God fearing Christian woman.
(15:26):
But she's not.
You know?
She's a God fearing Christian woman in her world.
Yeah, okay.
But when she doesn't like you, that Christian, it goes out the fucking door.
I just don't understand that.
Like, I just, I think it's all so hard though, because you have to back up your
child, that your child is shitty.
(15:47):
But, but here's the thing though.
But you also have to understand that in a relationship, when relationship, and
I mean, I can look back at all the people I was super close with, like all the
parents I was super close with in my past relationship.
And yes, you guys will stay close for a while, even with kids.
I mean, I'm, I have one relationship and that's with my ex-husband who I actually
(16:07):
am still close to his parents.
You know what I mean?
Like outside of that, my other child's dad, like I'm not close to their parents
and his parents anymore at all.
You know what I mean?
Like I used to be, but not anymore.
But I also think that that fades, especially when they get into a serious
relationship.
But not only that, I think it fades, but it also depends on how the relationship
(16:28):
ended.
Because if it didn't end on a toxic note to the point where there was no coming
back from it, you guys are still fine.
Oh, well, yeah, no, absolutely.
But there's, there's no coming back for me and him, like at all.
He could walk up to me right now and tell me that he left his wife and that he
wants something more than to be a family with me.
And I would tell him to pick two, there's two ways to this street, pick one end
(16:49):
and walk out it.
That's it.
Like that meme, wish you were here right in front of the car.
Pretty much.
Yeah, like legit.
Um, no, I know that there's been areas in your life, Jess, that you have had a lot
of time fixing people as well.
Yeah.
Well, I meant fixing.
This is our PhD in therapy.
(17:10):
So she's, she's gotten a little hard.
Yeah.
A little too hard at times.
So basically I would say, uh, fixing should be my middle name at this point.
Um, I've had to learn, and this is the first relationship where I'm like purposefully
not trying to fix someone.
Um, I mean, in my past, I met with, with my youngest daughter's father.
Um, he was definitely broken from the day that I met him, just from his past trauma
(17:32):
from going through a bad childhood and not only just a bad childhood, but bad relationships
that he went through that were toxic, whether it was his fault or their fault, whatever
the situation may be, and he brought that into our relationship.
And I think my biggest problem for the longest time was, you know, if I didn't like an action
or I didn't like how they were treating me, or I didn't like any of the things that were
negative about that person, I was like, don't worry.
(17:55):
Again, as just like I said last episode, I can be captain, save a hoe.
I'm going to go ahead and fix this whole situation.
I'm going to show you how to be loved.
I'm going to show you how to feel wanted.
I'm going to show you it's okay.
You don't have to be so broken and it's okay.
And I will to the point that to a fault, I will allow so much and go past my boundaries
that were non existent at that point in time, just to fix someone else, no matter how, how
(18:19):
much it fucked me up, you know what I mean?
And that was the biggest thing for me.
And I spent seven years in that relationship.
Damn near I was just under seven, but I spent so much time trying to fix him.
And to the point that for the first, I want to say four or five years, I allowed so much
control so much, so much, you know, I mean, down to the point that, you know, I couldn't
(18:40):
even walk out of the house without having to be like, I'm going here, I'll be back in
five minutes.
And if I was gone for six minutes, I was like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, and apologizing
for should I shouldn't be fucking apologizing to an ingredded and there was certain narcissistic
traits in that relationship, of course, but what it came down to is me constantly trying
to fix him and to end result for it to really, truly honestly just be that I spent so much
(19:06):
time trying to fix him that when it ended, I was so exhausted and for what he never changed,
I was just burnt out and I lost myself in the process.
And that's really what you can do.
You can come in time again, just proving over and over.
I'm not the other things that you were right, giving the constant reassurance.
Always.
It's draining.
It is.
It's extremely draining.
I think that, you know, in that relationship, I mean, we're not going to go into huge details,
(19:31):
but like the things that he would see and come home on, I see this on here and you did
this and making his assumptions that were literally, I mean, it to the point that I
enabled him so much of needing to fix him and giving him everything he needed, his
concentration, salt stuff that I'm going to go to the point that he could walk in the
(19:52):
house and if I had a towel sitting on the edge of the bed or if I moved a towel from
a chair, he automatically thought I was doing something wrong because there was again, that
was a lot of his trauma from past, right?
So he just automatically assumed that because someone else cheated on her or someone else
did something bad to him that I automatically was the, was the fall guy because I wasn't
(20:13):
going to do the same shit when I never was.
I was loyal to a fault with that man.
You know what I mean?
The problem is we sit there and we start to internalize their things that they have issues
with and that they need to fix and we, we not only make them our own, but we start doing
those things.
Absolutely.
Like he can sit there and he'll tell me, oh, you're, you're out having sex with this
(20:37):
guy or you're fucking this guy or you're, you're doing whatever and we were just going
to Walmart.
Yeah.
When in turn, in all actuality, he was the one, oh, I'm going to go to Walmart real
quick.
And it was projection baby.
He was fucking whoever the fuck you could, right?
You know, anything with a twat.
He was fucking absolutely.
I will never forget and I don't know if you remember this because I remember you being
(20:57):
there.
I'll never forget because he would go through my phone every single day and I was like here,
free phone, go for it.
You know, my password, you know how to log into everything.
You can go through my shit as much as you want.
Okay.
I don't care.
All I asked for was all you have to do is ask.
You don't have to do it behind my back.
You know what I mean?
You say, Hey, let me see your phone.
(21:18):
I will gladly, I'll let you unlock it yourself.
Here's my phone with no hesitation in my Google photos.
Remember, we're standing outside that house.
That's the story I'm about to tell.
That is the story I'm about to tell because this is how it went down, right?
I never in the five years leading up to this point.
Okay.
This happening.
I never once touched his phone.
Never once did I go through it because I, I believe that a relationship should be built
(21:40):
off a trust.
Now, if you need to see it because you're needing reassurance at that point, that's what I believed,
like, Oh yeah, sure.
I'll do whatever you gotta do.
Okay.
And he never found anything in my phone because there was never anything for him to find.
Right.
I've been guilty of doing that.
And that's wrong.
Okay.
It was very wrong because that's their, it's your own problem, you know, your own insecurities.
But when you feed those insecurities by trying to fix that, you're actually just enabling
(22:05):
it and keeping it going.
And that's the problem.
But I will never forget the one time we were all sitting out back and she was there.
I was there and we had some other friends that were hanging out there and we're all
sitting on the back patio and he was sitting there and he was acting weird on his phone
and he was like doing this and we're all like sitting there talking and he is like just
completely distracted, right?
Not even a part of it.
And so I go, you know what?
(22:26):
Because he always said, you know, all you got to say is just let me see your phone.
Let me see my phone and I'll let you have it.
Right.
So on time, let me see your phone.
First time I ever did it to him because he would wait till I went to bed to go through
my phone.
I'd wake up to him going through my phone.
Right.
Never did he ask me for it.
Even though I said, Hey, just ask simple as that.
Just fucking ask me.
Ever once was it was that it was ever that it was always he would have to go through
(22:48):
it.
I take a shower.
He was in my phone.
I'd step out of the room.
He was in my phone.
I'd go to bed.
He would get up in the middle of the night to go through my phones.
How he did it every time.
Right.
So one time I asked him, right?
There was hesitation.
That was the first thing I noticed.
Right.
So I grabbed his phone and I stood up.
Dude, he was chasing me around.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Like freaking the fuck out.
(23:08):
Literally over her shoulder.
She's literally leaning over whatever that, that tall cabinet was.
It was where we had our Savannah monitor.
That's right.
And she was leaning over it and I had to fucking picture somewhere in here by Google
photos and she's sitting here going through his phone and he is over her shoulder watching
her.
And I'm like that.
Panic to the whole time.
(23:29):
But you know why?
It's critical because he was doing to her projecting.
But he was accusing her of an like.
And you're sitting there going the whole time.
I'm literally showing you how fucking loyal I'm being to you.
I'm doing everything you're asking.
And yet here you are just painting me out to be the fucking villain.
Absolutely.
And I'm doing the bad and I'm doing this and I'm doing that.
(23:50):
Like you're putting all the faults on me and you're a fucking God.
Right.
Right.
I don't know.
And it's, you know, I haven't, I don't think that I've had that like to that extent.
I haven't had like a fixing situation where I had to prove myself and you know, you're
more of like the, you grab the type.
You're like, let me fix your wounds.
(24:10):
Yeah.
Like that's.
And that was me too.
But ours were more severe.
I feel.
Yes.
Yours were more like emotional damage of just not so much of them having control issues.
No.
As much as it was they were broken and you were just trying to go, let me show you I'm
worthy.
Yeah.
That my fixing comes from a sense of it's, it's a savior complex.
(24:37):
And that hurts to admit out loud.
I mean, I have the same thing, but at least you're admitting it.
Yeah.
I have the same thing because you know what it truly comes down to.
I want to feel needed.
Right.
And I thought that if I could fix them, it gave me value to be worthy of that.
Absolutely.
1000%.
And you know, it's crazy because I see both sides of the spectrum because once they are
(24:59):
healed and once they are okay, I'm like, I am so proud of you.
I don't want the praise of going, you helped me get here and you did this, but it's me
going, I saw that in you.
But the question is after you've quote unquote fixed them and everything and they have, they're
at the level that you're at.
I don't know who I am anymore.
Or do you not want them anymore?
(25:23):
Sometimes like, do they, do they become non like, Oh, you're not bright and shiny anymore.
I don't need to do anything with you.
I'm bored.
Let's move on.
Next.
I'll, okay.
I'll call my ass out on this one.
I will a hundred percent say that that has happened in the past.
Yeah.
Hence why I've always joked and said that my name is good luck, Chuck, because I will fix
someone and then I will get them perfect just for the next person, I guess, and then I get
(25:46):
fucking bored and I'll start self-sabotaging or, or they fucking sabotage it and we end
the relationship and they go off to get married and find the person they're supposed to be
with, which I'm happy for them, you know, because they weren't meant for me.
Okay.
But that is, that is, I think that's a true statement is that that does happen.
But I feel, I feel that comes from having to have control.
Absolutely.
(26:07):
And maybe it's from, you know, childhood chaos or whatever that if I fix them, I felt stable.
You know what I mean?
I think there's a couple of different have stability in our childhood.
There's many different reasons.
I mean, like, fuck man, we've, we have our fixer trap.
Right.
We have all have our reasons for the reason we, I'm fucking near this.
(26:27):
Stunning Stanley over here.
We all have our reasons for why we are the way we are.
It comes from our origin of like where we started.
Honestly, like, how are you raised as a child?
How are your parents today?
Like, I love my parents to death, but they are like, I, every time I go to their house,
I can't, I have to be like uniform in certain things.
(26:50):
I can't talk a certain way.
I have to dress a certain way.
My son can't go around touching anything.
And it's nothing that they've set out in the rules.
It's just, I know that that's their expectation in their mind.
So I think that that comes along with that fixing because I'm going, okay, well, if this
is how you expect things, then we're going to fix it.
We're going to fucking Bob the builder over here.
Tim the tool man, Taylor, if you will, I mean, like, what else is there?
(27:15):
Shit.
I just think that as we get older and we start to have different life experiences, we'll
learn.
No, you can fix that on your own.
No, you can do that.
I know you can't have seen you do it with other people.
You're just coming to me because you're comfortable with me and you expect me to do it for you.
And we allow people to get comfortable in the fact that they need us, which is draining
(27:38):
to us in the end.
And that's not fair to any party involved because not only are you draining yourself,
but you're not allowing them to build their own self up and become self reliant and do
things the way that they want to on their own.
Like I'm not here to be anybody's fucking savior.
Yeah, but that's what it comes down to.
(28:00):
And I know me and me and Val had talked the other day about it and she said, because we
were under a disagreement actually, because she was like, what you call fixing, I call
loving and being supportive.
Yeah, this is a good thing that we wanted to bring up.
Yeah, because for her, I don't know if you want to explain your side of, you know, I
said that, that fixing someone, we sometimes we take it too far and we get into a point
(28:23):
there's a difference between supporting someone and fixing someone.
Absolutely.
And again, it's the enabling portion.
Right.
And that's truly what it comes down to because the promise is you can fix someone all you
want, but that doesn't mean they're going to take the fixing.
You know what I mean?
You can try.
You can lead a horse to water.
Right.
But what you can do a healthier version of fixing is just be supportive.
(28:46):
Right.
That's all it really comes down to because, you know, we, we sit and we take on someone
else's emotional issue, right?
As our own.
And then we end up losing ourselves in that process because we're so busy trying to fix
them.
And instead of really is that we can just support someone, right?
And go, you know what?
I'm sorry you're doing that.
I'm sorry you're feeling that I'm sorry you're having a bad day.
(29:08):
I'm sorry that this happened in your childhood.
You know, instead we should be reaching out going, Hey, if you feel like this is something
you can't handle, I think that you really should maybe look into therapy or try to find
some coping mechanisms and try to see what can help you.
I'll be there to support you.
I'll love you through it, but we shouldn't be always trying to give someone the answer
(29:29):
because the problem is, is when we're doing that is we are taking away their own accountability
and we're taking away their own self growth by them having to realize how to fix their
own issues.
And then we're draining ourselves in the process.
Absolutely.
And I think for me, I know we probably all had our like, aha light bulb moment here
for a second.
But for me, backtracking to, you know, as we said in the last episode, Lord Voldemort
(29:52):
over here, when we ended and the first time, yeah, I made the second choice to get back
with them the second time for a very short span of time.
Does everybody deserve the second?
No, they really don't learn from me.
They don't.
Okay.
And in most situations, I know, and I say that lately because I think there's a difference
in your situation versus what I went through when someone's treating you like shit constantly
(30:13):
and you go back, that's a completely different story.
Right.
But trauma bond.
Absolutely.
Mine was a trauma bond, right?
In a different, in an unhealthy toxic style trauma bond, right?
But what it comes down to for me, I had this aha moment because when we broke up and me
and him were talking the first time I had said, why did you even get with me?
Because he did a lot of, I felt used, I felt this, I felt that.
(30:34):
And I was like, how, you know, explain to me how I made you feel used because I was
really used when he was the one who moved into our apartment.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
And I get that.
But, but realistically, okay, his feelings are his feelings.
I'm only here to talk about mine.
But what it came down to is I remember him making the comment saying it was my aha moment
for me that really changed me to never want to try to fix someone again.
(30:58):
I can give you therapy.
I can do all that stuff.
I ain't trying to fix you.
I'm trying to give you coping mechanisms.
I'm trying to maybe let you see it in a different light, but that's it from now on.
Right.
And for me, it was, he made the comment to me, I go, why did you even get with me?
He goes, cause I seem good potential in you for our dreams or goals and at life aspirations
or whatever to match up.
And he goes, and I go, so you got with me for potential.
(31:21):
And he goes, yep.
And I go, but you're not supposed to try to change someone.
And then I, it was like, I felt like I was like being a hypocrite in that moment.
Cause I was going, holy fuck, I've spent my whole life trying to fix and take care of
everybody.
And, and that was, that was for me where it was at, honestly, it was for me to go, I'm
done doing that.
(31:42):
I need to take accountability for my own actions and go, you know what, from now on, I'm not
going to fix anybody.
And I can't look at someone else's potential.
And you know, speaking fast forwarding here for a second into my current relationship,
I went in it going, you know what, no relationships perfect.
Everybody's going to have things that we don't like about each other.
(32:03):
Everybody's going to have their own flaws, their own things, but I can sit and be your
support system.
I can watch you grow.
I can support you to grow, but I can't, I can't fix you.
Right.
You have to do that for yourself.
Right.
I think taking someone else's problems into your own, creating your own, spitting it back
out is not the way that you're supposed to be doing it.
(32:24):
You can aid them in trying to become a better person.
But when you're starting to lose yourself, hello, I've been there 17,000 times.
Okay.
There's got to be a point where you say, okay, enough and enough is enough.
Absolutely.
You have to hit that wall.
Sometimes it's hard.
Sometimes it's, you know, it's a, it's a epiphany, but you know, I think once you finally reach
(32:49):
that point and you go, this isn't worth it anymore for myself.
I'm not gaining anything from this relationship by healing you.
It's draining me.
Right.
And you have to go, okay, well, have the life you will, peace be with you.
You know what I mean?
Like, I, I, I also, I mean, like honestly though, I think on it, I say honestly a lot.
(33:18):
I apologize.
We can, we can do a shot game.
Yeah.
We're going to take a shot every time she says honestly, anytime that Val says, okay.
And anytime I say, you know what I mean?
Start counter.
And if it's a double shot, I mean, hey, do what you do.
But I think this friendship with you guys has actually saved me to the point where I, I
(33:39):
have become to, I've been able to be more self aware on the fact of what are you doing?
Why are you, why are you doing this to fix them?
You're fine on your own.
They need to do it.
They need to figure it out because we're all in our fucking thirties.
I know.
(33:59):
If you haven't figured it out by now, you're not going to figure it out.
I know.
And if, if you haven't figured it out by now, I don't want you in my life.
I think honestly to a point and honestly.
Okay.
You know what I mean?
I have come to the conclusion that fixing other people serves me no good because I'm
(34:23):
doing exactly what I want done for me.
Absolutely.
I want someone to come in and say, you know what?
I'm going to, I'm going to take my wings.
I'm going to scoop you up and I'm going to hold you and go, listen, you deserve that
same love back, but I don't want anyone to fix me.
I want someone to help be my supporter and my cheerleader as I do it myself.
(34:45):
Correct.
Without asking.
But realistically, if we look back at it, has anyone ever asked us to fix them?
No.
Or did we just do it ourselves?
We just did it ourselves.
We got that burden and then got angry when they didn't become diversion that we wanted
them in our head.
Correct.
But I'm toxic.
I shouldn't have to ask you to fucking treat me right either.
(35:07):
Like, I mean, yeah, but that's also called bad choices and people were choosing.
Yeah.
I like what I like.
Yeah.
Well, you're, you're different now and that's, oh no, I'm different now 100%.
But I liked what I liked back then.
Hot in.
She's hot.
She's having a hot flash.
I never say I'm a fan her for a second because Val is totally a hot flashing right now.
(35:29):
My ears are hot.
I'm like, yeah, why don't you take off the or take off the take it off, baby?
I want you to take the blanket off.
How about that?
I'll probably make you feel a little better.
It's a little hot.
Yeah.
It's hot in here.
You go get a little bit more comfy.
Get your tutsies free.
All right.
So how do we stop being the fixer?
Realizing that we cannot be captain save a hook because we need to do the work on ourselves
(35:52):
and stop being a savior to everyone else when we need to pour back in to our motherfucking
selves.
I focus on fixing.
But I think you have to, I think in order to stop being a fixer, you have to be hurt
so bad by somebody that you've been trying to fix in order to be like, all right, I'm
done.
But I think, I think you're going to continue.
(36:14):
What if you're not done or, but hold on though, because I think you're just going to disagree
continue to fix people.
But you have to stop at some point.
Right.
But people who don't have that, that mentality, they're going to keep going no matter what.
Or just maybe learning to take responsibility for your own actions and realize that it is
(36:34):
not your job to fix people.
Right.
But not everybody has the brain that you do.
No, but it's not about having a brain, but it's about just being self aware.
So maybe if people worked on more of being self aware, but even, even then, in order to
be self aware, you have to have self confidence.
And if you don't have self confidence because you're with somebody who's narcissistic and
(36:55):
but you down all the time, how are you going to stop helping them?
It's a repeated disgusting cycle.
Yeah, but not all people that are narcissistic relationships are fixers.
I'm going to be a hundred percent.
No, absolutely not.
That's not what I'm saying.
But they're in that moment when you have that trauma bond with them, you feel that no matter
what you do, you're going to fix them.
(37:15):
You're going to make everything fucking perfect for the life that you imagined with them.
No matter what it costs.
And that's your thing.
That's your vision.
Absolutely.
Whereas you have something different and you have something different.
I think everybody has their own moment where they're going, nope, same for me anymore.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I had to learn in this relationship to just not be a fixer from the start instead of going
(37:39):
into it going, I need you to hurt me first before I stop fixing you.
You know what I mean?
And I think that's what it comes down to is I've been hurt enough in my past by people
that I realized, I meant from young on, I've been hurt.
You know what I mean?
So for me, I'm looking at it like I can either spend all this time and keep trying to do
the same thing.
I mean, it's really, truly, oops, someone's phone just went off.
(38:01):
It's the true version of insanity in that moment of, of really the definition of that
is doing the same thing and expecting different results every single time you do it.
And when you, if you look back at it, every person you tried to fix, did you really, truly
fix them or did you get the same result each time?
Correct.
I think we thought we were fixing them in that moment.
(38:22):
Right.
But in reality, we weren't doing anything but enabling them.
Right.
We were, we were feeding their desire there, whatever it was at that moment.
Right.
And thinking that we were actually doing better and we're actually doing more harm to not
only ourselves, but them as well.
Right.
Because what happens a lot of times I've noticed is it creates resentment.
Absolutely.
Oh, boy, buddy.
(38:43):
Let me tell you.
Yes.
Yes, it does.
Been there, done that.
And that was a part of the reason why, why it didn't work out the last time is because
I tried my hardest to make sure that this man was taken care of in every way possible.
And I tried to make sure that he was okay.
I was emotionally mirroring when he was down.
I was down when he was happy.
(39:03):
I was happy.
Like, you know, and that creates anxiety.
Hello.
Like I'm still honestly working through that.
Absolutely.
And I started to resent when I'm like, I am doing so fucking much and he still left.
That's, but that also falls back to what we were talking about of the whole in my worthy
(39:29):
of love thing.
It's where you're basing all the fixing you did and he's still left.
Like if you weren't worthy of it.
When sometimes the fixings what pushes people away, right?
You have some to say, I see it on your face.
You are over there like she's fringing.
(39:50):
Cause I can sit there and talk about past relationships all day, right?
And how we try to fix them.
But I also had another relationship, non-relationship.
Okay.
With somebody who from the very beginning sat there and told me, you don't want me.
I'm not worthy of love.
We can just be friends.
I, you know, I love you as a person.
I love you with my whole heart.
(40:11):
I mean, we did all the things that a relationship consists of.
Right.
And we played house.
We played house.
Like he would cook dinner.
I would cook dinner.
I got close with his children.
He got close with my son.
We would go out to arcade monsters and have beer and drink and do whatever we, I mean,
fuck, when we were at Voldemort's house, he would come over there all the fucking time
(40:37):
and everything was great until it wasn't.
Because I'm sitting there telling him, you are worthy of love.
You deserve your whole world to be lit up.
You deserve everything.
Your children deserve everything.
You know what I mean?
Like, let me be that person for you.
And the more that I pushed the further he pulled away and to the, until the point where
(40:58):
he up and just fucking ghosted me left me with my head spinning and my heart broken.
I mean, cause I thought we were just, I thought we were great.
I mean, I know this is kind of off topic on being a fixer, but that also comes back to
a full circle here of chasing people.
And sometimes we have a habit of chasing people that don't want to be chased.
(41:21):
Absolutely.
You know what I mean?
And we get a, and maybe it's a thrill or whatever it is, but we're chasing people that are emotionally
unavailable and that are not ready to be in a relationship.
And we are like, Oh no, we're going to show you it's different through that fixing.
In my defense, well, not even my defense, looking back now, if I knew now what I knew,
if I knew then what I know now, excuse me.
(41:47):
He had just gotten out of a marriage.
He was like months post divorce, whatever you want to say.
And he was not healed at all.
At any point was he healed.
And he was, you know, still trying to come out and hang out and he was very honest from
the very beginning.
(42:08):
And then I was pretty much like, Oh, that doesn't matter.
We're still going to do it my way.
And I honestly like looking back at it now, I pushed him away a hundred percent.
I will take the blame for that and that alone because I love that man without limit.
And I lost myself trying to love him.
(42:29):
I've lost myself two times now trying to love two different people and they were both completely
different people, you know, and I tried to fix both of them.
And in the end, who got hurt?
You did me.
I know my heart was fucking shattered on both occasions.
I've been there and I come off as this cold and callous person, but I don't think nobody
(42:53):
knows.
Nobody knows what anybody has gone through in life to sit there and judge that.
I am actually a very like, I love with my heart when I love you.
I want to fix you.
I want to make sure that you have everything in your life that you need to succeed because
I love you that much.
Whether you're in a relationship, whether you're in a friendship, whether whatever the fucking
case is.
(43:14):
And I know that that is a bad quality in me because I don't know, like I would rather
sit there and make sure that you're doing well with your life than to sit there and
have something happen in the end.
You know, I don't know.
I'm rambling at this point.
No, I meant you make good points.
So you really do.
(43:36):
You do.
What about you though?
I feel like you've been quiet.
You haven't been wanting to really talk too much on this episode, like outside of getting
other people's input.
Yeah.
Why?
What's going on in your head?
This is a tough subject for me because I feel like I'm still in this cycle.
I get that.
And that's okay.
(43:57):
It's not wrong for you to be in that cycle.
I know it's not wrong, but it's really tough spot for me to be in because it's not like
I'm trying to fix this situation anymore.
It's not like I'm trying to do what I did before of really taking everything on and
going, I got that.
I'm going to fix that.
And I'm really trying my best to...
I'm really sorry that you're having...
You're going through that.
(44:18):
I'm here when you need me.
Absolutely.
But growing is messy.
Growing is very messy.
And I just think that I have more growing to do in that aspect.
Absolutely.
Because I need to take that into effect.
I need to make sure that I am emotionally sound and I am okay to take on, okay, let's
(44:44):
tackle this together instead of me doing it all by myself.
How do we fix this?
How do we fix this?
So I think it's just very tough for me to be in that situation that I'm like, okay,
well, I want to fix this and I want to do that.
And I just don't...
I want to make sure...
I don't want to fix who he is as a person because he's a wonderful person.
(45:08):
I just want to fix certain things that need to be tweaked, but they're not my responsibility.
Absolutely.
It's 100% not my responsibility.
So I think that it's just tough thing for me to speak on because I feel like even in
my last one, it's not that he needed fix so much.
(45:29):
It's that when we went through a certain tragic situation back in 2019, rightfully so he had
every reason to lose himself and I was trying to fix that whole situation as well, knowing
that I couldn't take on that burden and that trauma.
So it's just very stuff.
It's a very tough spot for me to be in and I don't like to be in this position because
(45:53):
I know that I'm better than that.
And I'm also worthy of healthy love.
And I just feel that sometimes that I have tendencies to self-sabotage and fix and I don't
want to do that anymore.
It's just a matter of getting in your own head sometimes.
You are your own worst enemy when it comes to certain things like overanalyzing.
Am I though?
(46:13):
They're showing me things?
Yes, because you're over-reading into it.
You're over-analyzing, overthinking those situations sometimes and not taking into consideration
the full story or the full history of what's going on in that moment, if that makes sense.
And also adding in there that it's a long distance.
You guys aren't, it's not like he can just come home to you and tell you about his day.
(46:34):
You know what I mean?
You have to wait and let him decompress absolutely.
Going from living together to now being a long distance relationship.
You have nothing to fix because he hasn't shown you anything in that aspect to fix at
this point.
You are just over-analyzing it because you're scared of getting hurt and you're going, before
(46:55):
you can hurt me, fuck you, I'm out.
Or I'm going to figure out something.
Yeah, and I don't want to do that because he doesn't deserve that either.
Correct.
Neither of you deserve that.
I think you just need to learn to take a step, take a step back, take a breath and go, what
is he actually doing that is actually wrong in this relationship?
Can you answer that honestly?
(47:17):
It's a trauma.
But just go with me for what I'm saying.
Has he done anything currently that has sat there and made you go, nope, I don't like
that.
I don't like the way he's doing because he's actually doing something wrong.
Has he actually proven to you that he's been cheating on you?
Or that he's out going off with Sally, Jesse, Raphael?
(47:39):
I don't know.
He hasn't done any of that.
I know what it comes down to.
I'm going to say the same thing you always say.
You need to give yourself some grace in this situation.
And him.
You're not.
I think you expect eternal damnation on everything.
(48:01):
Helen, rain fire.
I mean, like you expect everything to be bad all the time because that's all you've ever
known or it's falling down to as our last episode.
We're waiting for the shoe to drop at all times.
Yeah, that's living in a state of anxiety, my dude.
It absolutely is.
And I don't like that.
(48:21):
I another thing that I want to point out is I don't like that this relationship tends
to activate my anxiety.
That's a red flag for me.
I'm being honest.
On you or in the relationship?
On me.
Yeah.
But that's also something that you can work through.
I'm trying.
(48:42):
Baby steps.
Nobody said you had to make the change today.
Yeah.
It's a learning, excuse me, a learning process.
Yeah.
And you're doing good.
Honestly, you are.
Anyway, this is this has been therapy.
So that's why I've been quiet.
So anyway, moving on.
All right, so let's go.
Way is to stop being a fixer for me.
(49:04):
Okay.
My three big ones is one, learning to set boundaries for yourself.
Okay.
That is number one priority because I think that is something for at least for myself
that I've lacked throughout this whole time is learning to set boundaries and go instead
of taking on someone else's problem as my own and going, I love you enough that I need
to set the boundaries and I love myself enough that I need to set those boundaries for myself
(49:27):
and not take your problems on to be my problems.
Absolutely.
And then again, would be knowing your own worth.
Okay.
And in learning to take the time to fix yourself and be self aware of what you're doing in
those situations.
I think another one to be to realize that not everybody has the same heart as you.
(49:47):
So not everybody's going to love or do things the same way that you do.
And that's okay.
There's nothing wrong with that.
But you have to find that, that happy medium to sit there and go, all right, I can actually
deal with this.
This is fine.
It's not that big of a deal on things that actually matter, not the way he eats or the
way he choose, you know what I mean?
(50:09):
The way he communicates or the way it's the way that we all sit there and over analyze
things.
We need, you have to learn to take a step back.
Yeah, for sure.
And what did Jess give us advice on a long time ago?
Whenever he has a moment where he's aggravating you or something's going wrong.
(50:29):
Oh, say three things that you love about him.
Say three things that you love about him.
And if you can't name three things, you don't need to be with him.
I can name like 17.
Well, then in those moments, then that's what you have to focus on.
But I use, I'm going to just take a step back and that's, you know, when we're wanting to
self sabotage a lot of times is what that comes down to is we go ahead and we make, we
(50:51):
make the statement of, of saying that to ourselves, you know what I mean?
Of having to do that, of going, you know what, I'm angry.
I want to self sabotage.
I want to create toxicity.
I want to create chaos.
I want to create all these different things.
I want to run.
Right.
And I want to be an asshole because I may be triggered even and that comes to another
episode that I would like to, we'll talk about triggers and, and different things as
(51:12):
such.
But that's something that you have to realize is when you get in that moment of when you
want to say something that's hurtful or you want to say something to that extent, you
need to stop and go, okay, if I'm with this person, I need to name three things that I
love about this person or that, you know, have they given me a reason to be hurtful?
Right.
Have they given me, and even then sometimes we have to be the bigger person, the better
(51:33):
person and not just attack to attack, you know,
I get it.
You have to fix yourself before you can even try and fix anybody else.
That's it.
That's it.
Full circle moment.
100%.
If you are not emotionally healed or emotionally available or ready for anything, you cannot
expect anybody else to be ready for you.
That's right.
Amen.
So you have to look within yourself and make sure that you are ready for everything.
(51:57):
That's right.
So, absolutely.
Well, I think this has been an awesome second episode to be honest with you.
I think that we covered a lot, but, you know, great.
So if you want to be a part of the conversation again, like we talked about last episode,
if you got a story question situation, you, we'd love to hear everything that you want
to say.
(52:17):
So, to our email, whether it's about relationships, family, personal growth, just some wild unhinged
experience that you have, we are here for it.
So drop us an email at unhingedmemoirs at gmail.com or DMS on Facebook, Instagram or
TikTok, all unhinged memoirs.
And who knows your story could inspire our next episode.
(52:38):
And don't forget to like this episode, leave a review and give us a follow.
Then don't forget to share this episode to someone who may need to hear this.
Amen.
No, amen, baby.
Life is messy and chaotic, but it's fun.
That's right.
Stop fixing people.
Fix your fucking self.
Don't break yourself.
Know yourself fucking worth it.
That's right.
Be at it.
Till then.
(52:58):
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
I just want you to know that I'm sorry.
(00:02):
What's up everyone!
Welcome back to Unhinged Memoirs Episode 2!
(00:23):
Dose.
You don't have to fix them.
This one's about the exhausting, soul draining habit of taking someone else's mess like it's
your own personal project.
Guess what, News Flash.
IT'S NOT!
I'm Liz.
I'm Val.
And I'm Jess.
And today with this episode of not having to fix anybody, I take this one just a little
(00:44):
too personal because that is how it's always been.
So raise your hand if you've ever dated or just even related to a walking, talking,
fixed ripper.
Absolutely.
As all three of us raise our hands, we are not Bob the motherfucking builder.
Muffin facts.
Boy oh boy.
Let me, you know what, I'm gonna take this one guys.
I'm gonna start off because we all three know exactly who I'm about to speak on and
(01:09):
the names don't even have to be said.
So about four years ago, I, well hold on.
If we're gonna really start this about 11 years ago, I met that.
I didn't know that it was that long.
Yeah, seriously.
11 years.
I've had this fucker in my life.
Hold on.
(01:29):
Can we back story?
Can we talk about how you met him first?
Yes.
So back when plenty of fish was a huge thing.
I went fishing and I caught a minnow instead of a fucking bass.
Let's talk about that.
Or even like a Marlin.
Like I went into the pond instead of into the deep ocean.
It was a fucking shit show.
(01:51):
But I met him and he came over to Orlando, we, you know, did all the things together.
We hung out, had great times.
And then it was just like the emotional maturity was not there.
And I was like, yeah, I don't think this is going to work out.
And we kind of just dip from each other.
(02:12):
Fast forward about five or six years.
Nothing changes.
Not at all.
News slash nothing changed, but we thought it would.
And he hit me up.
I was actually with my ex at this time when all this happened.
And I was a douchebag calling myself out.
And I started talking to him thinking because I was bored in my relationship.
(02:34):
Remember, if you watched or listened to the last episode, we get bored and then we self-sabotaged.
I totally did that 1000% self-sabotaged.
And I started talking to my ex and then I made him my current, my future.
And it turned into a literal walking dumpster fire from there.
(02:59):
He had no emotional availability.
He never was held accountable for his own actions.
He pushed off on everybody.
He was a narcissist to the umpteenth degree.
And I thought, you know what?
What if I just changed this?
Or what if I did this for him?
Or what if I changed my habits on this?
I could fix his attitude and I could make him love me the way that I thought he could,
(03:24):
the way that I deserved.
We actually ended up getting pregnant and having a kid together and turned into my kid
very quickly because he was really never there for the first year and a half of my son's
life because he did not want to take that responsibility.
I kept catching him in lies, catching him in things that he would tell actually Jess
(03:48):
because Jess was best friends with him for a very long time.
They were very close and I would go to her for advice and be like, well, how the fuck
do I do this?
Because I didn't know her from Adam, but we very quickly had no choice but to get close
to each other and become best friends.
And super close.
I mean, we were white on rice with each other because I basically got dumped on her doorstep
(04:09):
and I still, even after all that was going, but what if I just did this different?
What if I was there for him emotionally?
What if I supported him because he wasn't getting paid, he wasn't working, he was doing
odd jobs to just get by.
I just thought, what if I supported him?
What if I was the woman and I actually stepped up?
(04:29):
That is just fucked up.
It's what we do.
It is.
It's 100% fucked up because I thought no matter what I did wrong, I could fix it.
And I always put the blame on myself because that I thought in that moment, he needed somebody
to sit there and have the blame put on other than him taking his own self accountability
(04:51):
for something that he was doing.
Now four years later, I'm going, dude, fuck you.
You literally opposite sided the spectrum with that whole situation.
Oh yeah.
100%.
I love him because he gave me my son.
That's where the love ends though.
Anything else?
I wouldn't piss on fire to put him out.
No, I don't blame you.
(05:12):
At all.
And that's rough for me to say coming from somebody that's like, I want to help everybody
and I want to be there for everybody.
But fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, fool me three times, fuck you.
Get the fuck out.
What type of things do you think that he was doing that you were trying to overcompensate
yourself for to try to fix that relationship and why?
(05:35):
Um, well, I, well, I've always been a big girl.
Okay.
Never in my life have I been at one of the skinny ones and I've always, you know, gone
after guys who like the husky girls.
Okay.
He would sit there and tell me that I was beautiful and I was this and I was that and
I had all the things that he wanted and then would go behind my back and tell everybody
(05:59):
and God and whoever, oh, she's fat.
She's disgusting.
She's, you know, I can never believe I, she wasn't like this when we were together before.
This is not, but he would say all these hurtful, hateful things about me and I would go, okay,
well, if I would just not eat this much or if I would just go do this or if I had lost
some weight, he would be more attracted to me because come to find out not only was he
(06:22):
sleeping in me with my bed Monday through Friday, but he was fucking some other bitch
on the side on the weekends and telling her that he was working Monday through Friday
and that's why he couldn't be home with her.
Oh yeah.
Like there, there's like, there's a lot and this, this topic will come up more in our,
our other episodes that we have about narcissism and how we've persevered and survived through
that.
(06:42):
But like, I feel like narcissism and feeling like you need to fix others goes hand in hand
because 100% in trauma bonds, they go hand in hand because you were so bonded to that
person because you feel that you just need to be that person's somebody to save them
from themselves.
And in all actuality, you cannot save anybody from themselves.
(07:06):
They have to be that person's step and go, no, I'm going to change.
I'm going to do this for myself.
I'm going to make sure my life is better for everybody around me.
That's the key right there.
I need to do this for myself.
Absolutely.
And I don't think he, even to this day, he's married.
They have, you know, he, by the way, he has a million and one children.
He has at least half a football team plus two step children that he loves like, like
(07:30):
his own and he has a wife and you know what, I'm happy.
He moved on.
I'm grateful that he found somebody that does whatever he needs and whatever aspect that
is that I couldn't provide or I was not willing to provide.
I, however,
Do you think he's, he's true in that relationship in that, in that aspect?
(07:53):
If I'm answering honestly, no, because I know him, I think he's just going along with daily
routine because he feels stuck.
He feels stuck or he feels comfortable enough to know that he's not going to get that with
anybody else.
She makes good money.
So does he, you know what I mean?
And that in, in this day and age, that's a very important thing in the situation.
(08:16):
You know what I mean?
And it's terrible though.
It's sad that it has to be like that, but realistically, everybody needs to have their
foundation.
Absolutely.
And I can't blame him for that portion of it.
No, I can't.
Like I can't blame him.
He, if that's what he found happiness in, then please peace be with you, but also with
you.
(08:37):
No, but also with you, but also fuck you.
Like at the same time, it's not even peace be with you and also with you.
It's peace be with you and also fuck you.
Because you had space and opportunity to do with that with me and you chose to go find
it with somebody else who it was easier with because I was holding you accountable for your
actions.
Absolutely.
So if that's what it takes, then that's what it takes.
(08:58):
But also at the same time, I lost myself trying to fix him.
Yep.
And I think that's a common pattern in all of us who try to fix people is that you are
pouring so much into taking on their problems that you forget that you have your own.
Yep.
I remember vividly being, what was I, like seven months pregnant, big as a house.
(09:20):
Okay.
I had done everything that I could in those few months to sit there and go, because we
hit, we were on again, off again, on again, off again, on again.
I mean, it was so toxic.
Looking back at it now, like it was probably the most toxic relationship I've ever been
in.
It broke me to the point that I was sitting there going, well, what am I doing wrong?
(09:41):
And I had tried everything in my power to fix him.
I was, you know, making sure dinner was cooked for him.
I was making sure he had money so he could get drinks and stuff while he was quote unquote
working.
I was making sure that he had juice for his vapes.
I, you know, anything he needed, I was there helping him.
I think I vividly remember you giving him money and him spending that money and you're
going, where is all this money going to?
(10:01):
Because what he was saying just wasn't making sense.
Right.
So I was about seven months pregnant.
We had just gotten home.
Well, I don't know what we were doing and Jess had actually driven by because our apartment
was actually next to one of his other baby mama's apartments.
Like right next to her, right next to her.
Like I could spit in her window.
(10:23):
And she had gone to the store and she came home and she was like, Hey, where did, where
did he tell you he was?
And I was like, Oh, he said he was home sleeping.
And she was like, Hmm, what's he done?
That's a lie.
And she was like, he's actually at her house right now.
And I was like, what?
So we got in the car and we drove over there.
Oh no, excuse me.
(10:44):
You ended up moving into those apartments too.
I did actually a long, long time later, but she actually FaceTime me so I could see it.
And in that moment, I rage packed all of his stuff and threw it in a garbage bag.
Yeah.
We went over there with our asses on fire.
Yeah.
And I remember top of his van.
Through it on the top of his van, me and her ex at the time had knocked on his door because
(11:08):
we were ready to, we were ready to fucking murder people.
And what were you expecting in that moment?
I don't know.
Like I would, I honestly don't know what I was expecting other than the fact that I thought
that maybe he would come out and show some kind of remorse.
But in order for, I realized very, very, very quickly in order for somebody to show remorse,
(11:28):
they have to have a heart and they have to care.
Absolutely.
But he gives zero fucks about anybody, including his own children.
Like he loves them and he cares for them in his own way, but it's not in the way that
they all necessarily need.
And I'm sure that that comment is going to come back and bite me in the ass, but I really,
(11:48):
I don't fucking care.
The truth fucking hurts, buddy.
And if you don't like it, change it.
Do you think that you, okay.
So in losing yourself, what was your turning point?
What was the point that you were like, you know what?
I just need to take care of myself.
And what did you do to achieve that?
My getting closer to having my son,
(12:09):
that was the turning point for me.
Cause I realized me going down the path that I was still going,
trying to fix him was bringing me down to the point
where I wasn't able to take care of myself for my son.
And then it was like he was born
and my depression had gotten so bad.
So bad.
I mean, days and weeks on end where I was just moping around,
(12:31):
no nothing, like it was, it was awful.
And I apologize to you guys for it because that wasn't fair to you guys.
No, and there's no need.
But I got to that point where I was like, fuck him.
I don't need him.
I don't, I don't need him.
And like, was that hard?
Because I know that like at one point you did love him.
Was that hard for you to kind of accept that reality?
(12:52):
I love that man with my entire heart.
Okay.
And paraphrasing the last episode where we were like,
our walking red flags and how we have to, you know,
my emotional vulnerability is like zero.
He's part of the reason it is that way.
Because I was 1000% transparent with him.
(13:14):
There were no gray areas.
It was black and white.
And I gave him everything that I could.
And he did not like when I started biting back.
And I think showing myself that I had that power to sit there
and tell him, no, you're going to do it yourself.
You're going to, you're going to fix whatever needs to be fixed on your own.
I am no longer that person for you.
Go find somebody else that pushed him to be in the relationship that he's in now.
(13:38):
And that's fine.
Everybody else needs it.
I think that's the one it's the toxic kind of fixing.
It is 100%.
Like there's a difference between trying to encourage your partner to be the best
versions of themselves that you've seen.
But they have to want that first.
Absolutely.
You know what I mean?
They have to want that best version of themselves.
(13:58):
So I think that's the point where it's toxic that when we try to sit there
and fix others when they're not willing to do their own healing that you are
taking all of it on, there is no accountability of him just going,
you know what, she's going to do it for me.
Right.
And that's where it becomes the problem.
Right.
He's got mommy issues.
Like if I'm, if I'm honest, now, did he come from a broken?
(14:19):
Same.
Yeah.
Don't we all?
He didn't come from a broken home to in a sense that his mom was never there
for him.
His mom is always there for him.
His mom loves him infinitely as a mother.
But it's too a fault because she will back him up even if he is dead wrong on
anything.
Oh, see?
(14:40):
She will not tell, she will not hold him accountable.
She may tell him, oh, you fucked up or hey, you did this wrong, but she won't,
she won't tell him you need to fix it.
She's just like, oh, and it's what it is.
All right, that's who you are as a person.
Let's move on.
Yeah.
And I feel like there comes no growth with that.
There it does.
There's none, zero.
And it, and it doesn't help that his mom and I were, we used to be very close,
(15:04):
like extremely fucking close.
And then all of this stuff started happening between him and I and me and
his current wife and now.
I don't even know if she thinks I exist anymore, to be honest.
I don't think she even cares.
And that's nothing against her because she's a God fearing Christian woman.
(15:26):
But she's not.
You know?
She's a God fearing Christian woman in her world.
Yeah, okay.
But when she doesn't like you, that Christian, it goes out the fucking door.
I just don't understand that.
Like, I just, I think it's all so hard though, because you have to back up your
child, that your child is shitty.
(15:47):
But, but here's the thing though.
But you also have to understand that in a relationship, when relationship, and
I mean, I can look back at all the people I was super close with, like all the
parents I was super close with in my past relationship.
And yes, you guys will stay close for a while, even with kids.
I mean, I'm, I have one relationship and that's with my ex-husband who I actually
(16:07):
am still close to his parents.
You know what I mean?
Like outside of that, my other child's dad, like I'm not close to their parents
and his parents anymore at all.
You know what I mean?
Like I used to be, but not anymore.
But I also think that that fades, especially when they get into a serious
relationship.
But not only that, I think it fades, but it also depends on how the relationship
(16:28):
ended.
Because if it didn't end on a toxic note to the point where there was no coming
back from it, you guys are still fine.
Oh, well, yeah, no, absolutely.
But there's, there's no coming back for me and him, like at all.
He could walk up to me right now and tell me that he left his wife and that he
wants something more than to be a family with me.
And I would tell him to pick two, there's two ways to this street, pick one end
(16:49):
and walk out it.
That's it.
Like that meme, wish you were here right in front of the car.
Pretty much.
Yeah, like legit.
Um, no, I know that there's been areas in your life, Jess, that you have had a lot
of time fixing people as well.
Yeah.
Well, I meant fixing.
This is our PhD in therapy.
(17:10):
So she's, she's gotten a little hard.
Yeah.
A little too hard at times.
So basically I would say, uh, fixing should be my middle name at this point.
Um, I've had to learn, and this is the first relationship where I'm like purposefully
not trying to fix someone.
Um, I mean, in my past, I met with, with my youngest daughter's father.
Um, he was definitely broken from the day that I met him, just from his past trauma
(17:32):
from going through a bad childhood and not only just a bad childhood, but bad relationships
that he went through that were toxic, whether it was his fault or their fault, whatever
the situation may be, and he brought that into our relationship.
And I think my biggest problem for the longest time was, you know, if I didn't like an action
or I didn't like how they were treating me, or I didn't like any of the things that were
negative about that person, I was like, don't worry.
(17:55):
Again, as just like I said last episode, I can be captain, save a hoe.
I'm going to go ahead and fix this whole situation.
I'm going to show you how to be loved.
I'm going to show you how to feel wanted.
I'm going to show you it's okay.
You don't have to be so broken and it's okay.
And I will to the point that to a fault, I will allow so much and go past my boundaries
that were non existent at that point in time, just to fix someone else, no matter how, how
(18:19):
much it fucked me up, you know what I mean?
And that was the biggest thing for me.
And I spent seven years in that relationship.
Damn near I was just under seven, but I spent so much time trying to fix him.
And to the point that for the first, I want to say four or five years, I allowed so much
control so much, so much, you know, I mean, down to the point that, you know, I couldn't
(18:40):
even walk out of the house without having to be like, I'm going here, I'll be back in
five minutes.
And if I was gone for six minutes, I was like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, and apologizing
for should I shouldn't be fucking apologizing to an ingredded and there was certain narcissistic
traits in that relationship, of course, but what it came down to is me constantly trying
to fix him and to end result for it to really, truly honestly just be that I spent so much
(19:06):
time trying to fix him that when it ended, I was so exhausted and for what he never changed,
I was just burnt out and I lost myself in the process.
And that's really what you can do.
You can come in time again, just proving over and over.
I'm not the other things that you were right, giving the constant reassurance.
Always.
It's draining.
It is.
It's extremely draining.
I think that, you know, in that relationship, I mean, we're not going to go into huge details,
(19:31):
but like the things that he would see and come home on, I see this on here and you did
this and making his assumptions that were literally, I mean, it to the point that I
enabled him so much of needing to fix him and giving him everything he needed, his
concentration, salt stuff that I'm going to go to the point that he could walk in the
(19:52):
house and if I had a towel sitting on the edge of the bed or if I moved a towel from
a chair, he automatically thought I was doing something wrong because there was again, that
was a lot of his trauma from past, right?
So he just automatically assumed that because someone else cheated on her or someone else
did something bad to him that I automatically was the, was the fall guy because I wasn't
(20:13):
going to do the same shit when I never was.
I was loyal to a fault with that man.
You know what I mean?
The problem is we sit there and we start to internalize their things that they have issues
with and that they need to fix and we, we not only make them our own, but we start doing
those things.
Absolutely.
Like he can sit there and he'll tell me, oh, you're, you're out having sex with this
(20:37):
guy or you're fucking this guy or you're, you're doing whatever and we were just going
to Walmart.
Yeah.
When in turn, in all actuality, he was the one, oh, I'm going to go to Walmart real
quick.
And it was projection baby.
He was fucking whoever the fuck you could, right?
You know, anything with a twat.
He was fucking absolutely.
I will never forget and I don't know if you remember this because I remember you being
(20:57):
there.
I'll never forget because he would go through my phone every single day and I was like here,
free phone, go for it.
You know, my password, you know how to log into everything.
You can go through my shit as much as you want.
Okay.
I don't care.
All I asked for was all you have to do is ask.
You don't have to do it behind my back.
You know what I mean?
You say, Hey, let me see your phone.
(21:18):
I will gladly, I'll let you unlock it yourself.
Here's my phone with no hesitation in my Google photos.
Remember, we're standing outside that house.
That's the story I'm about to tell.
That is the story I'm about to tell because this is how it went down, right?
I never in the five years leading up to this point.
Okay.
This happening.
I never once touched his phone.
Never once did I go through it because I, I believe that a relationship should be built
(21:40):
off a trust.
Now, if you need to see it because you're needing reassurance at that point, that's what I believed,
like, Oh yeah, sure.
I'll do whatever you gotta do.
Okay.
And he never found anything in my phone because there was never anything for him to find.
Right.
I've been guilty of doing that.
And that's wrong.
Okay.
It was very wrong because that's their, it's your own problem, you know, your own insecurities.
But when you feed those insecurities by trying to fix that, you're actually just enabling
(22:05):
it and keeping it going.
And that's the problem.
But I will never forget the one time we were all sitting out back and she was there.
I was there and we had some other friends that were hanging out there and we're all
sitting on the back patio and he was sitting there and he was acting weird on his phone
and he was like doing this and we're all like sitting there talking and he is like just
completely distracted, right?
Not even a part of it.
And so I go, you know what?
(22:26):
Because he always said, you know, all you got to say is just let me see your phone.
Let me see my phone and I'll let you have it.
Right.
So on time, let me see your phone.
First time I ever did it to him because he would wait till I went to bed to go through
my phone.
I'd wake up to him going through my phone.
Right.
Never did he ask me for it.
Even though I said, Hey, just ask simple as that.
Just fucking ask me.
Ever once was it was that it was ever that it was always he would have to go through
(22:48):
it.
I take a shower.
He was in my phone.
I'd step out of the room.
He was in my phone.
I'd go to bed.
He would get up in the middle of the night to go through my phones.
How he did it every time.
Right.
So one time I asked him, right?
There was hesitation.
That was the first thing I noticed.
Right.
So I grabbed his phone and I stood up.
Dude, he was chasing me around.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Like freaking the fuck out.
(23:08):
Literally over her shoulder.
She's literally leaning over whatever that, that tall cabinet was.
It was where we had our Savannah monitor.
That's right.
And she was leaning over it and I had to fucking picture somewhere in here by Google
photos and she's sitting here going through his phone and he is over her shoulder watching
her.
And I'm like that.
Panic to the whole time.
(23:29):
But you know why?
It's critical because he was doing to her projecting.
But he was accusing her of an like.
And you're sitting there going the whole time.
I'm literally showing you how fucking loyal I'm being to you.
I'm doing everything you're asking.
And yet here you are just painting me out to be the fucking villain.
Absolutely.
And I'm doing the bad and I'm doing this and I'm doing that.
(23:50):
Like you're putting all the faults on me and you're a fucking God.
Right.
Right.
I don't know.
And it's, you know, I haven't, I don't think that I've had that like to that extent.
I haven't had like a fixing situation where I had to prove myself and you know, you're
more of like the, you grab the type.
You're like, let me fix your wounds.
(24:10):
Yeah.
Like that's.
And that was me too.
But ours were more severe.
I feel.
Yes.
Yours were more like emotional damage of just not so much of them having control issues.
No.
As much as it was they were broken and you were just trying to go, let me show you I'm
worthy.
Yeah.
That my fixing comes from a sense of it's, it's a savior complex.
(24:37):
And that hurts to admit out loud.
I mean, I have the same thing, but at least you're admitting it.
Yeah.
I have the same thing because you know what it truly comes down to.
I want to feel needed.
Right.
And I thought that if I could fix them, it gave me value to be worthy of that.
Absolutely.
1000%.
And you know, it's crazy because I see both sides of the spectrum because once they are
(24:59):
healed and once they are okay, I'm like, I am so proud of you.
I don't want the praise of going, you helped me get here and you did this, but it's me
going, I saw that in you.
But the question is after you've quote unquote fixed them and everything and they have, they're
at the level that you're at.
I don't know who I am anymore.
Or do you not want them anymore?
(25:23):
Sometimes like, do they, do they become non like, Oh, you're not bright and shiny anymore.
I don't need to do anything with you.
I'm bored.
Let's move on.
Next.
I'll, okay.
I'll call my ass out on this one.
I will a hundred percent say that that has happened in the past.
Yeah.
Hence why I've always joked and said that my name is good luck, Chuck, because I will fix
someone and then I will get them perfect just for the next person, I guess, and then I get
(25:46):
fucking bored and I'll start self-sabotaging or, or they fucking sabotage it and we end
the relationship and they go off to get married and find the person they're supposed to be
with, which I'm happy for them, you know, because they weren't meant for me.
Okay.
But that is, that is, I think that's a true statement is that that does happen.
But I feel, I feel that comes from having to have control.
Absolutely.
(26:07):
And maybe it's from, you know, childhood chaos or whatever that if I fix them, I felt stable.
You know what I mean?
I think there's a couple of different have stability in our childhood.
There's many different reasons.
I mean, like, fuck man, we've, we have our fixer trap.
Right.
We have all have our reasons for the reason we, I'm fucking near this.
(26:27):
Stunning Stanley over here.
We all have our reasons for why we are the way we are.
It comes from our origin of like where we started.
Honestly, like, how are you raised as a child?
How are your parents today?
Like, I love my parents to death, but they are like, I, every time I go to their house,
I can't, I have to be like uniform in certain things.
(26:50):
I can't talk a certain way.
I have to dress a certain way.
My son can't go around touching anything.
And it's nothing that they've set out in the rules.
It's just, I know that that's their expectation in their mind.
So I think that that comes along with that fixing because I'm going, okay, well, if this
is how you expect things, then we're going to fix it.
We're going to fucking Bob the builder over here.
Tim the tool man, Taylor, if you will, I mean, like, what else is there?
(27:15):
Shit.
I just think that as we get older and we start to have different life experiences, we'll
learn.
No, you can fix that on your own.
No, you can do that.
I know you can't have seen you do it with other people.
You're just coming to me because you're comfortable with me and you expect me to do it for you.
And we allow people to get comfortable in the fact that they need us, which is draining
(27:38):
to us in the end.
And that's not fair to any party involved because not only are you draining yourself,
but you're not allowing them to build their own self up and become self reliant and do
things the way that they want to on their own.
Like I'm not here to be anybody's fucking savior.
Yeah, but that's what it comes down to.
(28:00):
And I know me and me and Val had talked the other day about it and she said, because we
were under a disagreement actually, because she was like, what you call fixing, I call
loving and being supportive.
Yeah, this is a good thing that we wanted to bring up.
Yeah, because for her, I don't know if you want to explain your side of, you know, I
said that, that fixing someone, we sometimes we take it too far and we get into a point
(28:23):
there's a difference between supporting someone and fixing someone.
Absolutely.
And again, it's the enabling portion.
Right.
And that's truly what it comes down to because the promise is you can fix someone all you
want, but that doesn't mean they're going to take the fixing.
You know what I mean?
You can try.
You can lead a horse to water.
Right.
But what you can do a healthier version of fixing is just be supportive.
(28:46):
Right.
That's all it really comes down to because, you know, we, we sit and we take on someone
else's emotional issue, right?
As our own.
And then we end up losing ourselves in that process because we're so busy trying to fix
them.
And instead of really is that we can just support someone, right?
And go, you know what?
I'm sorry you're doing that.
I'm sorry you're feeling that I'm sorry you're having a bad day.
(29:08):
I'm sorry that this happened in your childhood.
You know, instead we should be reaching out going, Hey, if you feel like this is something
you can't handle, I think that you really should maybe look into therapy or try to find
some coping mechanisms and try to see what can help you.
I'll be there to support you.
I'll love you through it, but we shouldn't be always trying to give someone the answer
(29:29):
because the problem is, is when we're doing that is we are taking away their own accountability
and we're taking away their own self growth by them having to realize how to fix their
own issues.
And then we're draining ourselves in the process.
Absolutely.
And I think for me, I know we probably all had our like, aha light bulb moment here
for a second.
But for me, backtracking to, you know, as we said in the last episode, Lord Voldemort
(29:52):
over here, when we ended and the first time, yeah, I made the second choice to get back
with them the second time for a very short span of time.
Does everybody deserve the second?
No, they really don't learn from me.
They don't.
Okay.
And in most situations, I know, and I say that lately because I think there's a difference
in your situation versus what I went through when someone's treating you like shit constantly
(30:13):
and you go back, that's a completely different story.
Right.
But trauma bond.
Absolutely.
Mine was a trauma bond, right?
In a different, in an unhealthy toxic style trauma bond, right?
But what it comes down to for me, I had this aha moment because when we broke up and me
and him were talking the first time I had said, why did you even get with me?
Because he did a lot of, I felt used, I felt this, I felt that.
(30:34):
And I was like, how, you know, explain to me how I made you feel used because I was
really used when he was the one who moved into our apartment.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
And I get that.
But, but realistically, okay, his feelings are his feelings.
I'm only here to talk about mine.
But what it came down to is I remember him making the comment saying it was my aha moment
for me that really changed me to never want to try to fix someone again.
(30:58):
I can give you therapy.
I can do all that stuff.
I ain't trying to fix you.
I'm trying to give you coping mechanisms.
I'm trying to maybe let you see it in a different light, but that's it from now on.
Right.
And for me, it was, he made the comment to me, I go, why did you even get with me?
He goes, cause I seem good potential in you for our dreams or goals and at life aspirations
or whatever to match up.
And he goes, and I go, so you got with me for potential.
(31:21):
And he goes, yep.
And I go, but you're not supposed to try to change someone.
And then I, it was like, I felt like I was like being a hypocrite in that moment.
Cause I was going, holy fuck, I've spent my whole life trying to fix and take care of
everybody.
And, and that was, that was for me where it was at, honestly, it was for me to go, I'm
done doing that.
(31:42):
I need to take accountability for my own actions and go, you know what, from now on, I'm not
going to fix anybody.
And I can't look at someone else's potential.
And you know, speaking fast forwarding here for a second into my current relationship,
I went in it going, you know what, no relationships perfect.
Everybody's going to have things that we don't like about each other.
(32:03):
Everybody's going to have their own flaws, their own things, but I can sit and be your
support system.
I can watch you grow.
I can support you to grow, but I can't, I can't fix you.
Right.
You have to do that for yourself.
Right.
I think taking someone else's problems into your own, creating your own, spitting it back
out is not the way that you're supposed to be doing it.
(32:24):
You can aid them in trying to become a better person.
But when you're starting to lose yourself, hello, I've been there 17,000 times.
Okay.
There's got to be a point where you say, okay, enough and enough is enough.
Absolutely.
You have to hit that wall.
Sometimes it's hard.
Sometimes it's, you know, it's a, it's a epiphany, but you know, I think once you finally reach
(32:49):
that point and you go, this isn't worth it anymore for myself.
I'm not gaining anything from this relationship by healing you.
It's draining me.
Right.
And you have to go, okay, well, have the life you will, peace be with you.
You know what I mean?
Like, I, I, I also, I mean, like honestly though, I think on it, I say honestly a lot.
(33:18):
I apologize.
We can, we can do a shot game.
Yeah.
We're going to take a shot every time she says honestly, anytime that Val says, okay.
And anytime I say, you know what I mean?
Start counter.
And if it's a double shot, I mean, hey, do what you do.
But I think this friendship with you guys has actually saved me to the point where I, I
(33:39):
have become to, I've been able to be more self aware on the fact of what are you doing?
Why are you, why are you doing this to fix them?
You're fine on your own.
They need to do it.
They need to figure it out because we're all in our fucking thirties.
I know.
(33:59):
If you haven't figured it out by now, you're not going to figure it out.
I know.
And if, if you haven't figured it out by now, I don't want you in my life.
I think honestly to a point and honestly.
Okay.
You know what I mean?
I have come to the conclusion that fixing other people serves me no good because I'm
(34:23):
doing exactly what I want done for me.
Absolutely.
I want someone to come in and say, you know what?
I'm going to, I'm going to take my wings.
I'm going to scoop you up and I'm going to hold you and go, listen, you deserve that
same love back, but I don't want anyone to fix me.
I want someone to help be my supporter and my cheerleader as I do it myself.
(34:45):
Correct.
Without asking.
But realistically, if we look back at it, has anyone ever asked us to fix them?
No.
Or did we just do it ourselves?
We just did it ourselves.
We got that burden and then got angry when they didn't become diversion that we wanted
them in our head.
Correct.
But I'm toxic.
I shouldn't have to ask you to fucking treat me right either.
(35:07):
Like, I mean, yeah, but that's also called bad choices and people were choosing.
Yeah.
I like what I like.
Yeah.
Well, you're, you're different now and that's, oh no, I'm different now 100%.
But I liked what I liked back then.
Hot in.
She's hot.
She's having a hot flash.
I never say I'm a fan her for a second because Val is totally a hot flashing right now.
(35:29):
My ears are hot.
I'm like, yeah, why don't you take off the or take off the take it off, baby?
I want you to take the blanket off.
How about that?
I'll probably make you feel a little better.
It's a little hot.
Yeah.
It's hot in here.
You go get a little bit more comfy.
Get your tutsies free.
All right.
So how do we stop being the fixer?
Realizing that we cannot be captain save a hook because we need to do the work on ourselves
(35:52):
and stop being a savior to everyone else when we need to pour back in to our motherfucking
selves.
I focus on fixing.
But I think you have to, I think in order to stop being a fixer, you have to be hurt
so bad by somebody that you've been trying to fix in order to be like, all right, I'm
done.
But I think, I think you're going to continue.
(36:14):
What if you're not done or, but hold on though, because I think you're just going to disagree
continue to fix people.
But you have to stop at some point.
Right.
But people who don't have that, that mentality, they're going to keep going no matter what.
Or just maybe learning to take responsibility for your own actions and realize that it is
(36:34):
not your job to fix people.
Right.
But not everybody has the brain that you do.
No, but it's not about having a brain, but it's about just being self aware.
So maybe if people worked on more of being self aware, but even, even then, in order to
be self aware, you have to have self confidence.
And if you don't have self confidence because you're with somebody who's narcissistic and
(36:55):
but you down all the time, how are you going to stop helping them?
It's a repeated disgusting cycle.
Yeah, but not all people that are narcissistic relationships are fixers.
I'm going to be a hundred percent.
No, absolutely not.
That's not what I'm saying.
But they're in that moment when you have that trauma bond with them, you feel that no matter
what you do, you're going to fix them.
(37:15):
You're going to make everything fucking perfect for the life that you imagined with them.
No matter what it costs.
And that's your thing.
That's your vision.
Absolutely.
Whereas you have something different and you have something different.
I think everybody has their own moment where they're going, nope, same for me anymore.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I had to learn in this relationship to just not be a fixer from the start instead of going
(37:39):
into it going, I need you to hurt me first before I stop fixing you.
You know what I mean?
And I think that's what it comes down to is I've been hurt enough in my past by people
that I realized, I meant from young on, I've been hurt.
You know what I mean?
So for me, I'm looking at it like I can either spend all this time and keep trying to do
the same thing.
I mean, it's really, truly, oops, someone's phone just went off.
(38:01):
It's the true version of insanity in that moment of, of really the definition of that
is doing the same thing and expecting different results every single time you do it.
And when you, if you look back at it, every person you tried to fix, did you really, truly
fix them or did you get the same result each time?
Correct.
I think we thought we were fixing them in that moment.
(38:22):
Right.
But in reality, we weren't doing anything but enabling them.
Right.
We were, we were feeding their desire there, whatever it was at that moment.
Right.
And thinking that we were actually doing better and we're actually doing more harm to not
only ourselves, but them as well.
Right.
Because what happens a lot of times I've noticed is it creates resentment.
Absolutely.
Oh, boy, buddy.
(38:43):
Let me tell you.
Yes.
Yes, it does.
Been there, done that.
And that was a part of the reason why, why it didn't work out the last time is because
I tried my hardest to make sure that this man was taken care of in every way possible.
And I tried to make sure that he was okay.
I was emotionally mirroring when he was down.
I was down when he was happy.
(39:03):
I was happy.
Like, you know, and that creates anxiety.
Hello.
Like I'm still honestly working through that.
Absolutely.
And I started to resent when I'm like, I am doing so fucking much and he still left.
That's, but that also falls back to what we were talking about of the whole in my worthy
(39:29):
of love thing.
It's where you're basing all the fixing you did and he's still left.
Like if you weren't worthy of it.
When sometimes the fixings what pushes people away, right?
You have some to say, I see it on your face.
You are over there like she's fringing.
(39:50):
Cause I can sit there and talk about past relationships all day, right?
And how we try to fix them.
But I also had another relationship, non-relationship.
Okay.
With somebody who from the very beginning sat there and told me, you don't want me.
I'm not worthy of love.
We can just be friends.
I, you know, I love you as a person.
I love you with my whole heart.
(40:11):
I mean, we did all the things that a relationship consists of.
Right.
And we played house.
We played house.
Like he would cook dinner.
I would cook dinner.
I got close with his children.
He got close with my son.
We would go out to arcade monsters and have beer and drink and do whatever we, I mean,
fuck, when we were at Voldemort's house, he would come over there all the fucking time
(40:37):
and everything was great until it wasn't.
Because I'm sitting there telling him, you are worthy of love.
You deserve your whole world to be lit up.
You deserve everything.
Your children deserve everything.
You know what I mean?
Like, let me be that person for you.
And the more that I pushed the further he pulled away and to the, until the point where
(40:58):
he up and just fucking ghosted me left me with my head spinning and my heart broken.
I mean, cause I thought we were just, I thought we were great.
I mean, I know this is kind of off topic on being a fixer, but that also comes back to
a full circle here of chasing people.
And sometimes we have a habit of chasing people that don't want to be chased.
(41:21):
Absolutely.
You know what I mean?
And we get a, and maybe it's a thrill or whatever it is, but we're chasing people that are emotionally
unavailable and that are not ready to be in a relationship.
And we are like, Oh no, we're going to show you it's different through that fixing.
In my defense, well, not even my defense, looking back now, if I knew now what I knew,
if I knew then what I know now, excuse me.
(41:47):
He had just gotten out of a marriage.
He was like months post divorce, whatever you want to say.
And he was not healed at all.
At any point was he healed.
And he was, you know, still trying to come out and hang out and he was very honest from
the very beginning.
(42:08):
And then I was pretty much like, Oh, that doesn't matter.
We're still going to do it my way.
And I honestly like looking back at it now, I pushed him away a hundred percent.
I will take the blame for that and that alone because I love that man without limit.
And I lost myself trying to love him.
(42:29):
I've lost myself two times now trying to love two different people and they were both completely
different people, you know, and I tried to fix both of them.
And in the end, who got hurt?
You did me.
I know my heart was fucking shattered on both occasions.
I've been there and I come off as this cold and callous person, but I don't think nobody
(42:53):
knows.
Nobody knows what anybody has gone through in life to sit there and judge that.
I am actually a very like, I love with my heart when I love you.
I want to fix you.
I want to make sure that you have everything in your life that you need to succeed because
I love you that much.
Whether you're in a relationship, whether you're in a friendship, whether whatever the fucking
case is.
(43:14):
And I know that that is a bad quality in me because I don't know, like I would rather
sit there and make sure that you're doing well with your life than to sit there and
have something happen in the end.
You know, I don't know.
I'm rambling at this point.
No, I meant you make good points.
So you really do.
(43:36):
You do.
What about you though?
I feel like you've been quiet.
You haven't been wanting to really talk too much on this episode, like outside of getting
other people's input.
Yeah.
Why?
What's going on in your head?
This is a tough subject for me because I feel like I'm still in this cycle.
I get that.
And that's okay.
(43:57):
It's not wrong for you to be in that cycle.
I know it's not wrong, but it's really tough spot for me to be in because it's not like
I'm trying to fix this situation anymore.
It's not like I'm trying to do what I did before of really taking everything on and
going, I got that.
I'm going to fix that.
And I'm really trying my best to...
I'm really sorry that you're having...
You're going through that.
(44:18):
I'm here when you need me.
Absolutely.
But growing is messy.
Growing is very messy.
And I just think that I have more growing to do in that aspect.
Absolutely.
Because I need to take that into effect.
I need to make sure that I am emotionally sound and I am okay to take on, okay, let's
(44:44):
tackle this together instead of me doing it all by myself.
How do we fix this?
How do we fix this?
So I think it's just very tough for me to be in that situation that I'm like, okay,
well, I want to fix this and I want to do that.
And I just don't...
I want to make sure...
I don't want to fix who he is as a person because he's a wonderful person.
(45:08):
I just want to fix certain things that need to be tweaked, but they're not my responsibility.
Absolutely.
It's 100% not my responsibility.
So I think that it's just tough thing for me to speak on because I feel like even in
my last one, it's not that he needed fix so much.
(45:29):
It's that when we went through a certain tragic situation back in 2019, rightfully so he had
every reason to lose himself and I was trying to fix that whole situation as well, knowing
that I couldn't take on that burden and that trauma.
So it's just very stuff.
It's a very tough spot for me to be in and I don't like to be in this position because
(45:53):
I know that I'm better than that.
And I'm also worthy of healthy love.
And I just feel that sometimes that I have tendencies to self-sabotage and fix and I don't
want to do that anymore.
It's just a matter of getting in your own head sometimes.
You are your own worst enemy when it comes to certain things like overanalyzing.
Am I though?
(46:13):
They're showing me things?
Yes, because you're over-reading into it.
You're over-analyzing, overthinking those situations sometimes and not taking into consideration
the full story or the full history of what's going on in that moment, if that makes sense.
And also adding in there that it's a long distance.
You guys aren't, it's not like he can just come home to you and tell you about his day.
(46:34):
You know what I mean?
You have to wait and let him decompress absolutely.
Going from living together to now being a long distance relationship.
You have nothing to fix because he hasn't shown you anything in that aspect to fix at
this point.
You are just over-analyzing it because you're scared of getting hurt and you're going, before
(46:55):
you can hurt me, fuck you, I'm out.
Or I'm going to figure out something.
Yeah, and I don't want to do that because he doesn't deserve that either.
Correct.
Neither of you deserve that.
I think you just need to learn to take a step, take a step back, take a breath and go, what
is he actually doing that is actually wrong in this relationship?
Can you answer that honestly?
(47:17):
It's a trauma.
But just go with me for what I'm saying.
Has he done anything currently that has sat there and made you go, nope, I don't like
that.
I don't like the way he's doing because he's actually doing something wrong.
Has he actually proven to you that he's been cheating on you?
Or that he's out going off with Sally, Jesse, Raphael?
(47:39):
I don't know.
He hasn't done any of that.
I know what it comes down to.
I'm going to say the same thing you always say.
You need to give yourself some grace in this situation.
And him.
You're not.
I think you expect eternal damnation on everything.
(48:01):
Helen, rain fire.
I mean, like you expect everything to be bad all the time because that's all you've ever
known or it's falling down to as our last episode.
We're waiting for the shoe to drop at all times.
Yeah, that's living in a state of anxiety, my dude.
It absolutely is.
And I don't like that.
(48:21):
I another thing that I want to point out is I don't like that this relationship tends
to activate my anxiety.
That's a red flag for me.
I'm being honest.
On you or in the relationship?
On me.
Yeah.
But that's also something that you can work through.
I'm trying.
(48:42):
Baby steps.
Nobody said you had to make the change today.
Yeah.
It's a learning, excuse me, a learning process.
Yeah.
And you're doing good.
Honestly, you are.
Anyway, this is this has been therapy.
So that's why I've been quiet.
So anyway, moving on.
All right, so let's go.
Way is to stop being a fixer for me.
(49:04):
Okay.
My three big ones is one, learning to set boundaries for yourself.
Okay.
That is number one priority because I think that is something for at least for myself
that I've lacked throughout this whole time is learning to set boundaries and go instead
of taking on someone else's problem as my own and going, I love you enough that I need
to set the boundaries and I love myself enough that I need to set those boundaries for myself
(49:27):
and not take your problems on to be my problems.
Absolutely.
And then again, would be knowing your own worth.
Okay.
And in learning to take the time to fix yourself and be self aware of what you're doing in
those situations.
I think another one to be to realize that not everybody has the same heart as you.
(49:47):
So not everybody's going to love or do things the same way that you do.
And that's okay.
There's nothing wrong with that.
But you have to find that, that happy medium to sit there and go, all right, I can actually
deal with this.
This is fine.
It's not that big of a deal on things that actually matter, not the way he eats or the
way he choose, you know what I mean?
(50:09):
The way he communicates or the way it's the way that we all sit there and over analyze
things.
We need, you have to learn to take a step back.
Yeah, for sure.
And what did Jess give us advice on a long time ago?
Whenever he has a moment where he's aggravating you or something's going wrong.
(50:29):
Oh, say three things that you love about him.
Say three things that you love about him.
And if you can't name three things, you don't need to be with him.
I can name like 17.
Well, then in those moments, then that's what you have to focus on.
But I use, I'm going to just take a step back and that's, you know, when we're wanting to
self sabotage a lot of times is what that comes down to is we go ahead and we make, we
(50:51):
make the statement of, of saying that to ourselves, you know what I mean?
Of having to do that, of going, you know what, I'm angry.
I want to self sabotage.
I want to create toxicity.
I want to create chaos.
I want to create all these different things.
I want to run.
Right.
And I want to be an asshole because I may be triggered even and that comes to another
episode that I would like to, we'll talk about triggers and, and different things as
(51:12):
such.
But that's something that you have to realize is when you get in that moment of when you
want to say something that's hurtful or you want to say something to that extent, you
need to stop and go, okay, if I'm with this person, I need to name three things that I
love about this person or that, you know, have they given me a reason to be hurtful?
Right.
Have they given me, and even then sometimes we have to be the bigger person, the better
(51:33):
person and not just attack to attack, you know,
I get it.
You have to fix yourself before you can even try and fix anybody else.
That's it.
That's it.
Full circle moment.
100%.
If you are not emotionally healed or emotionally available or ready for anything, you cannot
expect anybody else to be ready for you.
That's right.
Amen.
So you have to look within yourself and make sure that you are ready for everything.
(51:57):
That's right.
So, absolutely.
Well, I think this has been an awesome second episode to be honest with you.
I think that we covered a lot, but, you know, great.
So if you want to be a part of the conversation again, like we talked about last episode,
if you got a story question situation, you, we'd love to hear everything that you want
to say.
(52:17):
So, to our email, whether it's about relationships, family, personal growth, just some wild unhinged
experience that you have, we are here for it.
So drop us an email at unhingedmemoirs at gmail.com or DMS on Facebook, Instagram or
TikTok, all unhinged memoirs.
And who knows your story could inspire our next episode.
(52:38):
And don't forget to like this episode, leave a review and give us a follow.
Then don't forget to share this episode to someone who may need to hear this.
Amen.
No, amen, baby.
Life is messy and chaotic, but it's fun.
That's right.
Stop fixing people.
Fix your fucking self.
Don't break yourself.
Know yourself fucking worth it.
That's right.
Be at it.
Till then.
(52:58):
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
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