January 1, 2025 • 56 mins
Buckle up, because this week’s episode of Unhinged Memoirs is exactly what it sounds like: complete chaos. No plan, no agenda—just us falling down every conversational rabbit hole imaginable. If you love our side rants and random stories, this one’s for you.
What (might) happen in this episode:
• Storytime Madness:
• That one time we tried to stay on topic and failed spectacularly.
• Unexpected childhood flashbacks, embarrassing moments, and hilarious missteps that somehow feel like therapy.
• Life Updates You Didn’t Ask For:
• Parenting fails, relationship wins, and the latest drama from our blended family circus.
• Why everything seems to go wrong when you’re already late (because of course it does).
• Unhinged Questions We Attempt to Answer:
• Who decided adulthood was a good idea, and can we file a complaint?
• Why do the most ridiculous things happen at the worst possible times?
• Is there such a thing as too much coffee, or are we all just under-caffeinated?
• Tangents You Didn’t See Coming:
• From the horrors of middle school fashion to oddly specific pet peeves.
• Random debates about things no one else cares about—but we definitely do.
Why You Should Listen:
If you need a break from heavy topics and just want to laugh, this episode is for you. Think of it as a chaotic group chat brought to life—complete with sarcasm, oversharing, and a sprinkle of wisdom (maybe).
P.S.: Got a random tangent or story that perfectly matches our vibe? Share it with us! We’d love to feature your wildest, funniest, or most relatable moments in a future episode. Email us at [your podcast email] or DM us on [social media handles].
Stay unhinged,
Val, Liz, Jessica
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I just want you to know that I'm sorry.
(00:02):
Music
What's up everyone!
Welcome to the fifth episode of Unhinged Memoirs.
(00:23):
Today's episode is titled,
Oops! All Tangents.
So let's see how quick we can go from one topic that we all choose
to a whole other situation where the fuck we end up.
I feel like we do that in the regular.
We do that absolutely on the mother fuck you mother.
We don't even need a subject for that.
It literally happens in our everyday lives.
(00:44):
We can start with one thing and it's going to just lead to this, to the next, to the next.
And that's how we normally keep going.
So let's talk about...
It's kind of how our conversation goes, period.
We're talking about periods.
Yes.
We'll be picked a topic.
Why?
Do what?
So we'll be picked a topic. Periods.
Periods.
Ooh.
Hey, do we know about tampons like the kind of tampons that we're using?
(01:08):
Are we really having this conversation?
Yes, because we're talking about periods.
Do we know what...
What?
Why?
No, because I bought the L brand because they're organic.
The what type?
The L brand.
The L brand?
L.Love.
L.Brand.
Shove love up your cooter.
I love it.
Shove love.
I mean, isn't that the whole aspect of like why you want things in your cooters?
(01:32):
Because you want the love.
To be the shoving love.
Up the cooter.
Shove and love.
That's what I'm going to start referring to it as.
I'm just going to go on the...
Shove and love.
Shove and love right now.
Shove and love.
I'll feel like love when you're pulling it out though.
Bald kitty or hairy kitty?
Bald.
Bald when I can shave.
Yeah, bald 100%.
(01:53):
Like waxed or shanked?
No.
I don't know.
You are not ripping shit out of there like that.
Absolutely not.
I have so much respect for people who can do that shit, but I cannot.
I'm growing out my peeps to get a wax.
Are you really?
Yep.
I feel like I would break out and like just bumps because I think like I've waxed my legs
before it and the times that I've waxed my legs, I had like the bumps and like a rash
(02:16):
from it afterwards on my legs.
So mm-mm.
I did my armpits one time too, that shit fucking hurt.
I would wax my asshole before I'd wax my armpits again.
Yeah, I would like to wax my asshole.
And then I'm trying to...
What?
You don't want to wax your asshole?
Sure.
Would you wax your asshole?
Yeah, I guess.
I mean, I don't know.
(02:37):
This is just weird for me to talk about.
You know, God and everybody listening.
You know, it's like a weird thing though.
I would have to wax my own asshole somehow.
I would have to figure out how to get in the mirror.
I don't want anybody seeing my chocolate starfish.
I can tell you this, like, you know, like when you've ever had a pimple on your ass and
you're like literally squatted over a mirror trying to pop that bitch because you're like,
I don't let anybody see this bitch.
I can't turn that way.
(02:58):
You put a mirror on the floor and squat over it.
It's not a pretty sight.
I'm just...
Never have I ever.
You see your fucking stink wrinkle just sitting there?
I never stink wrinkle!
I literally cannot.
It took us all three seconds to get away from the topic of periods.
Episode over.
(03:20):
Have a great day guys.
Listen, if there's one thing we talk good about, it's sex.
We always differ.
Everything is sexual with us.
Like not with us, but like...
I know.
I feel like we're teenage boys half the time.
We are.
We are.
We are fucking 100% teenage boys.
No, we are not fucking teenage boys.
No, we're not.
No, no, no.
We are 100% fucking teenage boys.
(03:42):
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
Speak for yourself.
I am not.
Maybe the boys that we have fucked have the mentality of a teenage boy.
That's fucking facts.
We'll go with that.
Ooh, I remember being a teenager and those...
Not teenager, I was like 18.
That's a teenager still.
Yeah.
Because you know, when it says 18, that's usually...
(04:03):
No, I know, but like I meant...
Like I don't want to say that like whatever the fuck I'm saying.
18?
But I remember sex back then was fucking crazy.
What'd you say?
What'd you say?
I was trying to figure out a way to say it like 20.
18?
18?
18?
18?
You said it by saying 80.
80?
(04:24):
80?
80?
80?
80?
There's a binge of his butt never here.
No, could you imagine?
No, absolutely not.
I don't want to.
So anyway, sex when you were 18.
Sex when I was 18.
I remember having so much fucking fun.
First of all...
Not worth that she was going with that.
Me either.
I had so much fun.
No, I did have so much fun.
So this is what happened.
So I only had sex once.
(04:47):
She's actually lying.
No, no, no.
I lost my virginity at 16.
And then...
What?
Why?
No.
You know, when like you find out life stories from people and you're like, you find out there's
sexual conquests and everything like that and you're going, damn, I guess I'm a whore.
How old are you in Alastor?
(05:08):
I'm 15.
So was I.
Okay.
Okay.
She was only 16.
I mean, she was literally just like right on that cusp.
You know what I mean?
No, no, she was on something.
It was my 16th birthday.
Okay.
So she was technically 15 and a three quarters.
Right.
I was 15 and a three quarters.
At the strike of midnight.
Literally the cusp.
So I lost my virginity in a hotel room.
(05:31):
During a hurricane.
During a hurricane.
Wait, wait, wait.
A hotel what?
During a hurricane.
A hotel what?
During a hurricane.
Like the rum.
Rum.
Like the rum you drink?
A hotel room.
Where's the rum?
Fuck you.
Holiday.
It was the Hampton in dog.
But anyway, so I remember.
I was in the hotel on the budget.
So my, okay.
(05:52):
So we went there during the hurricanes.
It was Francis and Jean 2004.
And I met a guy there.
I would hope so.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You met him at the hotel?
I absolutely met.
Wait, wait, wait.
You lost your virginity to some random dude?
Like a rando?
That's bossy.
Or.
I'll say it.
(06:13):
I did.
I fucking did.
She was just afraid her cherry was going to fall off.
You know what I mean?
So she's like, I just got your rid of it.
She's afraid their her cheerios were going to fall off.
Her cherry was going to fall off.
That's so sad.
So hindsight, it's crazy because like, you know, being, being the older self, I'm like,
(06:34):
you know, you're a little bit older than me, not crazy, but he was definitely not in his
teens and I was just turning 16.
So I met him there and we were hanging out.
And then my mom just thought it was like innocent, whatever.
And she's like, Hey.
I'm sorry.
(06:56):
Listen.
I'm not gonna say that.
I'm just thinking about like,
I'm thinking about like, it's my daughter
and I went to a hotel and she met some random 20 year old
and they're like, we're gonna go hang out in the room.
Oh, that's innocent.
No, no, no, no.
That's not where I was going.
Oh, okay.
No, no, no, no, no.
We were all hanging out like, we used to hang out like,
down in the, cause there was no power
(07:16):
in the fucking hotel during the hurricane, right?
And we would hang out in the hotel.
And we would hang out in the hotel.
And we would hang out in the hotel.
And we would hang out in the hotel.
And we would hang out in the hotel.
And we would hang out, we'd play cards,
we'd do all this shit.
My mom would be down there hanging out with his parents
as she sipped a...
Sorry, I was taking a sip of my deep eddies.
Oh, he was deep all right.
(07:37):
Oh, go ahead.
So we were, my mom saw us just hanging out,
like having fun, like playing cards,
we were downstairs in like the common area, all that shit.
You're playing strip poker?
No.
No.
They're playing rum.
They're playing rum.
In the time.
In the rum.
In the rum.
In the rum.
And it was my birthday.
(08:00):
And my mom wanted me to get out of the hotel
because she was, she and the hotel staff
was decorating the downstairs lobby for my birthday.
So she asked Elby to bring me out.
The blonde James?
Oh, no.
Wow.
The blonde.
Two syllables.
(08:21):
Got it.
The blonde.
The blonde James.
So she asked Elby to take me around the outlets
to go shopping to kind of like distract me,
which hindsight, why were the outlets open
and we had to bar in the fucking hotel?
It doesn't make any sense.
Anyway, so we walked around the outlets.
(08:43):
I get back there, we had to party, whatever.
My mom's like, oh, happy birthday.
And I still have those pictures somewhere to this day
with him in the background.
On my birthday, it's actually super cute.
For real.
And pop that cherry.
That's my shoe.
I could just see him in the back.
I know that motherfucker.
(09:04):
That could have been very well him.
But anyway, so then my mom, the very next day,
had to earn, no, no.
What was it the day after?
It was right after.
It was the day after.
Why are you laughing?
But anyway, my mom wanted to go to her friend's house
and my mom and my dad left.
And then I told LB that they're leaving.
Well, he knocks on the hotel door
(09:26):
and I knew it was about to go down.
Space and opportunity, bitch.
Stay less.
Space and opportunity.
So I had my favorite pair of jeans on.
I had my little green top that had the little buttons.
My cleavage, it was like fucking down to your bitch.
Okay.
I had.
Down to here, bitch.
(09:49):
I had usher.
If I go there with you.
Have you heard that song?
No.
Maybe if I heard the actual.
Can you handle it?
Can you handle it?
I can go there with you.
Nope.
No.
Anyway, she was handling it.
So I was like, I answered the door.
I was like, oh, hey.
(10:11):
And he was like, hey, so we get in there
and he fucking waste no motherfucking time.
We start making out.
He fucking takes it from there.
Whatever.
What?
He fucking takes it from there.
Like that was so, that was so calm.
Like you literally were like all in it.
Like he was just fucking takes it from there.
(10:33):
And then I like how you PG that I'm proud of you.
I'm really proud of you.
Thank you.
He just takes it from there.
So that happened.
And that's the last time that I saw him for a long time.
I shit you not.
It was probably when did I work at Starbucks?
2007, three years later.
(10:56):
I'm working at Starbucks.
I get a little ding ding in my earphone through the drive through.
And you throw a camera.
And it had cameras.
Like when they come through the drive through and I noticed that it's him and a woman in
the front seat and the woman has what looks like a three year old child.
(11:19):
Okay.
So he comes sitting in her lap in the back seat.
You can see that and all that little family.
Yeah.
Oh shit.
The cameras are really big for Starbucks.
So I was like, oh, he recognized my voice.
Then he got to the window and he fucking, I mean, like, why does a fucking ghost?
And I was like, Hey.
And I tried to get a hold of him like a fucking crazy person here goes drama.
(11:44):
Okay.
I tried to get a hold of him like through his parents, like in between that three years.
And so when he pulls up to the window, he's like, Hey, and I was like, Hey, how you been?
Like, like just normal, whatever cash conversation.
He's with his wife and his kid.
(12:07):
Oh, yeah.
Wait, so he was married.
He was married.
Married man, fucking a teenager.
Yes.
Okay.
Love that.
So anyway, so I didn't see him.
Hold on.
Hold on.
It gets better.
So then fast forward.
He goes into the army and he's not with her anymore, splits up with her, leaves his kid
(12:36):
here, gets into the army, him and I are talking.
So this is now fast forward 2000 and 1011 1212 1320 13.
Okay.
And we're still talking.
He then comes down on one of his breaks from the army comes hangs out with me.
(12:57):
We do our thing.
Now I'm in my twenties and he's in his late twenties and we do our thing again and then
I don't hear from him again.
Is this one of the Victoria's secrets?
Yeah, that's 2011.
Was it 2011?
Okay.
So 2011.
So now four years after that, now we were talking for a little bit and then we stopped talking.
(13:19):
And then when I got my apartment in 2015, some like that.
Yeah.
2015 now again, four years later, he's getting out of the army.
Now in the midst of his span, we're talking that whole time.
And he ends up getting married to like an Asian woman has a baby with her, leaves them,
(13:40):
gets out of the military.
He's Vietnamese.
And her baby.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I remember talking to her name was Jen.
That's right.
It was.
Yes.
What does it say with you and exes that have people in their lives named Jen?
Yeah, I don't know.
You notice that?
There's one other.
He had like 14 gents in his life.
(14:04):
Yeah.
Stop.
I don't mean that.
I just respect for him just know there was a lot of gents in his life.
Yeah.
I knew a lot of gents.
It's true.
It's true.
So then he comes from his break from the military and stays with me.
Why are you laughing?
I just happened to look up and I almost spit my water out my back.
(14:27):
There's that.
And then he stays with me 2014 2015, whatever it was.
And then now he's my roommate.
Right now.
No.
10 years later.
No.
You didn't know.
I'll be literally like, I've never seen it before.
Yeah.
No.
10 years later, he came and lived with me in my apartment and then stole a whole bunch
of shit and left.
And then literally fucking I got him on a phone plan.
(14:48):
Me and these men in phone plans got him on a phone plan and then he fucking took shit
didn't pay rent.
He took shit took the phone.
He took a shit and then took my phone fucking and went about his merry motherfucking way.
You know, it's funny is how much you and I done shit.
Oh, like now I can't say the same story per se.
(15:11):
But I lost my virginity to an LB.
I didn't realize his last name was a B.
Yeah, Borkovich.
And it was the same first name.
Yeah, it sure was.
Yeah, I was 15.
He would freshly turning 18 and neither of us had even kissed beforehand.
(15:37):
Okay, like when I tell you we were like fresh, fresh outside of like, you know, like stupid
shit.
But like, you know, I mean, like that was like the first person that I like willingly did
shit with and fucking I remember because I met him because he lived up in Illinois and
I was down here and it's I was like the first version of catfish through a well, it's the
messenger.
(15:58):
You were I was with him.
Yes.
So I was all my game all the time.
Right.
And so I met him in some chat group.
See, right.
And he was like ASL and I was like 17, Florida or 17 female from Illinois.
So I said he was like, no shit.
He's like, I'm 17 in male in Illinois, what part of Illinois you and I'm like, fuck,
(16:21):
because I was I literally was living in fucking boards or Vero at the time.
Right.
And so I'm like, oh, I live in Anyak and he's like, holy shit.
He's like, I live in Kerry.
He's like, you're only like an hour away.
Right.
And he's like, send me a picture.
Right.
And I was like, I can't send him a real picture of me right now.
Right.
So I literally, oh God.
I don't even remember what the fucking website was, but I went to some porn website.
(16:46):
I went into this porn website and I like grabbed a picture of a girl.
Okay.
Who was still fully dressed, but you don't like how back in the day, like before porn
was porn, where before they did the videos, they did a lot of like the pictures where
you got like 400 pictures of the scene, like it acted it out from like the beginning.
(17:07):
It was like, you know, if you take them and put them in an album and just out, so I take
a picture and she was like, and that's like really tight top.
And she was like wearing these really cute shorts.
Right.
She looked like a prettier version of Britney Spears not drugged the fuck out.
Okay.
Back in the day.
Right.
Like pre 2007.
Pre 2007.
Right.
(17:28):
Okay.
And so I saw a picture and he's like, oh my God, you're so fucking beautiful.
And his best friend was like literally obsessed with Britney Spears.
Like had a huge picture of her in his room of like, yeah.
Like, and he was like, you're so beautiful.
You were like my dream girl.
And I was like, yeah.
And he's like, what do you do for fun?
And at that time I was really into like aggressive inline skating.
(17:48):
Right.
But down here.
So I was like, ah, just like I have aggressive skate.
Like I have a skate park in my house.
And like, I did.
I started creating all these fucked up stories.
Right.
And he was like, we ended up talking for, I think it was like three months, right?
And he goes, I have a surprise for you.
(18:09):
And I go, yeah.
And he's like, yeah, he's like, but you're just going to have to wait.
And I go, okay, no problem.
Like cause I'm like now like talking to him.
Wait, did he send you a picture?
Did you know what he looked like?
Yes.
Yes.
I knew what he looked like.
He sent me a real picture of him.
Right.
So this whole time in, in my dumb ass, like I started talking to him and like I didn't
send him any more pictures after that, but I was just talking to him so much that I
actually started catching feelings for him.
(18:31):
Right.
And I was like, oh no.
And the whole time I was like, I really need to tell him.
I really need to tell him like, because like I'm going to get myself hurt because I really
like him and this isn't a thing.
Right.
So one of the days he ends up messaging me.
I didn't hear from him like a good portion of the morning and I'm like, why haven't I
heard from him?
(18:51):
Cause normally he'd message me first thing in the morning.
Right.
And I didn't hear from him.
So it wasn't until like late afternoon he messaged me.
He's like, you have some explaining to do.
Oh God.
And I'm like, what?
And he's like, I drove to Antioch because I gave him a fucking address like a dumb ass.
Not thinking he was in a get in a car and drive to me.
Okay.
So I give the address of like an old house, like just somewhere in Antioch because I used
(19:13):
to live up there.
Right.
So here I go fucking just give him a dress in the beginning.
I was like, yeah, I live off of this trade and on the corner and da, da, da, da.
And you know, I'd pulled it up on like fucking map quest or some shit to find the fucking
address just to do it that way.
Right.
And then this morning I drove to your house with flowers.
He's like, and knocked on the door.
No.
He's like to be greeted by someone saying that there is no person named Jessica living
(19:35):
here.
And then I started asking other questions.
He's like, so who the fuck are you really?
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
And I was like, oh fuck.
And so like I literally was like, can I call you?
Because we had taught you to talk on the phone too.
Right.
And I told him that I had just moved back from Florida.
So that's why my home phone number was a four.
Like, I mean, but he fell for it.
(19:57):
You know what I mean?
So whatever.
So I call him like, I am so sorry.
I just, I really love you.
And I'm doing like this whole thing.
And I was like, and by the time.
How long were you talking to him at this point?
About three, four months.
Oh yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
And the whole thing that it came down to was is like, I didn't expect it like when I
first messaged her to be like that.
You know what I mean?
Like how many people have you talked to on a one semester and you're like, oh yeah, this
(20:17):
conversation is gonna last for a whole five minutes.
Like legit.
Right.
So I'm not just going to send a random picture of myself like, hey, here I'm putting myself
out in the world.
I mean, but I'm going to give you an address.
Right.
I'm just going to give a fake address.
It's not in my mind.
So I'm to worry about it because you can show up in my house.
I mean, so fucking I do all that.
Right.
And he's like, well, send me a real picture of yourself then.
So I said, I'm, he's like, you're pretty.
Why wouldn't you've done it?
(20:37):
Why wouldn't you've just sent me a real picture of yourself?
And I was like, um, because I don't think, um, as pretty as she is, he's like, you are
pretty.
And then after that, just like kind of fast forward and we stayed talking.
Valentine's Day.
He sent me gifts.
Um, and then my grandfather passed away up in Illinois.
And it was end of March and it was right by my grandfather's birthday.
(21:01):
And so I went up and we were staying in Lake Villa to go to my grandfather's, uh, funeral.
And, um, he ended up driving from Kerry to come see me.
And then after that, like shortly later, like we were so inseparable while I was there for
the couple of days that he was like, I want to move down to be with your mom was like,
whatever.
So my mom allowed him to move down in with me.
(21:21):
And we didn't have sex for like the first four or five months because I was so scared
to have sex with him.
Right.
Cause I was like, I've never done this before.
He's never done this before.
And he was like really cool about it, like waiting for me to be ready to have sex.
Right.
Well, one of the times I think my mom was in her room.
They were like working on something.
And so I was like, you know, right now I'd be like a really good time.
(21:42):
Right.
And he'd already, we'd already bought condoms like the week beforehand because we knew
like when that time comes, we wanted to be prepared.
Right.
That's responsible.
Absolutely.
But the problem.
So neither of us know what the fuck we're doing.
All right.
And so I'm so paranoid because like, I feel like I lived in fear growing up of like, I'm
going to get in trouble.
(22:03):
I'm going to get in trouble.
I'm going to have my ass beat.
Right.
So I'm like, we should go in the closet cause I see you walking in the closet.
I was like, we should go in the closet cause I feel like we need to hide.
Like we can at least, we have the bedroom door closed and we can close the closet door
and we'll be fine.
Right.
So here we go into the closet.
Okay.
And he doesn't do anything.
Okay.
And just right in.
(22:23):
Right.
And I'm like, it lasted for a whole 30 seconds cause it was like an American pie situation
right where he was like, and he pulls on and he's like, did it?
Was it good for you?
And I was like, I don't know.
Like I'm not, I think so.
And then I remember like literally like panicking and I literally made him get in his fucking
(22:44):
little Honda prelude and we drove to the seven 11 across the street there in St.
Lucie, US and fucking throw away the condom in the seven 11 garbage can cause I was so
afraid my mom would go through the trash can and find the condom.
And I was like crying the whole way.
I was like, it hurts.
My stomach hurts.
All my hurts.
It was like the worst experience, the worst fucking experience to ever have.
(23:06):
Like I was like, that is.
Meanwhile, he's like one of those directs, tiny condoms.
Like, no, he wasn't.
It was just a look on her face.
No, no, no, he wasn't.
It was way too big for his own good.
Yeah.
No, that was, it was very unpleasurable.
Actually, I did not enjoy any time we did anything because he was, he was quite thick
(23:28):
and long.
It was not, it was actually like, especially as like someone who didn't do that kind of
stuff growing up.
You know what I mean?
Like I, I've fucked meant for a first time, I was like, okay, this is too much.
And then, you know, you wanted to, we should try anal.
Absolutely.
You know, you can fuck all the way off.
He was like super into it.
He was like, I just, you know, we just got to try it.
And I'm like, all right, I guess.
(23:48):
So here I am on all fours on my bed, right?
No.
And he doesn't spit on it.
Nothing.
Like just goes to jam it in.
And that's if you've heard me say the expression, like I felt like a cat climbing the walls
because I literally screamed and was like clawing at the bed to get away.
Like I was like, no.
It was fucked up.
Yeah.
No, that's scarred me for life.
(24:10):
I'm like, people are going to do it all.
I'm like, yeah, not in your wildest fucking dreams, buddy.
Am I doing that anymore?
Nope.
Oh shit, what about you, Liz?
Tell us your first story.
Oh no, don't.
Uh-uh.
You're part of this fucking chaotic, unhinged bullshit.
Come on.
Spill it.
Listen.
Oh, you know, it's going to be good when she says listen.
(24:36):
So my actual first time, I don't like to talk about it because it was like, yeah, it was
not something I want to relive.
However, I will tell you my first time willingly.
That's what I'm talking about.
Okay.
We're not talking about others.
It was, I was, I was like 17 years old because I was working at Wendy's.
(24:58):
Oh, what?
Oh, hold up.
I'm not, because I'm not telling you about any of the other stuff.
No.
We will not go there.
Um, but I will tell you about when I used to work at Wendy's, which any of my Wendy's
people who are listening, please like the secrets are safe with us.
Hashtag no judgment.
Hashtag no judgment.
(25:18):
We listen and we don't judge.
Um, so we used to, the Wendy's that I worked at, we had a lot of young, uh-uh-uh.
Fuck all the way off.
Shut up.
She literally went, ah-ah-ah.
We used to have a lot of, um, young people that worked on our crew and, uh, we would
(25:41):
do a lot of things that- sorry, good.
I get the, I, I understand.
I get it.
I was breaking bread.
She was breaking rocks.
Guys.
We used to have a lot of people that did a lot of bad things, like, you know, like,
we listened and, you know, did shit, we would hot box the freezer and all that kind of stuff.
(26:06):
It's the judgment eyes.
It is the judgment eyes.
Like, I feel so judged.
Oh, I'm not judging you.
I feel judged because I'm being a cookie.
Can you stop shaking my daddy?
Okay, go.
So anyway, one time we were all working and we were like, you know what, we feel like
getting drunk.
We feel like getting high.
We feel like doing all this business.
At Wendy's?
(26:27):
Just go with me and just-
Wait, no.
Yes.
Yes, we were at Wendy's when we decided this because I said we were at work.
Okay.
I got it.
And we decided that we were going to have a party after work.
Gotcha.
Gotcha.
And so we went to my best friend at the time, Carrie's house, because she had her own apartment.
(26:49):
She was living her best life at 18 years old.
And it was literally, I think the apartment was the size of this bedroom.
No.
No, yes, 100%.
It was like one of those little holes in the walls.
Yeah, like an efficiency.
Yeah, but it had a bedroom.
It was just weird.
Fair.
But anyway, so we go and she's like, we're going to have a party.
(27:12):
And I'm like, okay, so who's buying the alcohol?
Like none of us are old enough.
She had somebody on fucking retainer.
Okay.
That was me at 18.
And she had gotten like cases delivered to the house and then everybody was kind of like
a B, B Y O B.
Bitch beer, bottle, bong, everything.
(27:34):
They're sad.
So we had a bring your own free for all basically.
And so then everybody starts getting there and I had the biggest lady boner.
Yeah, my fucking does that mean that you have a very extra large clitoris means you got
a hard on.
That's all.
(27:54):
What a lady boner does not mean you have a big clip.
No, it just means you have a big dick.
Like you you're like, fuck, I want to fuck that.
Like you have a lady boner for Brian.
Okay.
So I had the biggest lady boner for one of the guys that worked there.
His name began with a and which is last name like the initial.
(28:18):
I don't remember.
This was I have slept since then.
Okay.
So if we call him AK 47.
Wait, did you just say you slept since then?
Yep, sure have.
And he was coming.
He was like, I'll come if you come.
And I was like, oh, you will.
You will.
Anyway, so he is there and he brought the weed and he was known as the plug because
(28:42):
he always had the best weed.
I think I've ever smoked in my entire life for that time period.
I love our childhood decisions.
Yeah.
Well, you know what?
Now I have asthma.
So who's really winning?
So he was like, yeah, I'm going to come blah, blah, we'll hang out.
We'll do this.
Well, me and my best friend, Carrie shot for shot did a whole bottle of Jose Cuervo.
(29:05):
Oh, no.
So I was fucking obliterated by the time he got there.
And I mean, I thought I was just fucking cute.
You know how we were in the 2000s.
Yeah.
Only want to talk about cute and being drunk.
Leopard print.
Too much self-tanner.
Our hair was, our hair was fucking something.
It was wet, dry, straightened with the bangs.
(29:26):
100% fucking had that.
It was awful.
Okay.
No.
And do you remember the matmos like the dream matmos?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
17 shades darker than your fucking skin.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I thought I was like the shit.
You were back then.
I was.
That was the thing.
He comes and he's like, you know, doing the whole, hey, you look good, this, no, let's
(29:50):
get a drink.
Yeah, let's go.
Cause I was much more of a girly girl back then.
I know it's really hard to believe everybody who knows me, but I was Valerie back then.
I was, I was the Valley girl back then.
I was like, oh my God, like, yeah, let's go.
It's crazy.
Do I really talk like that?
Do I?
So then we decided to, so he gets a drink and then he was like, Hey, let's like, let's
(30:20):
get this bong.
We decide like fucking idiots because it's a waterbong.
We're going to put McCarty 151 in it instead of water.
Dude, it is.
I've never done that, but is that a good idea?
No, because it burns like fucking fiberglass.
It hurts so bad.
Oh no.
But I was fucking, I was obliterated.
Okay.
(30:41):
Wait.
So we go into her bedroom.
Wait, I have questions about that.
What?
What?
I was, I sat here quiet during both of your stories.
Oh, do we have to sound spired?
I don't know.
You gotta give him that hook.
This is not a thing.
I mean, that's a little off kilter, but sure.
(31:01):
What's your question?
Come on.
I have a question.
Did you get drunk and high off of it?
Because it's only vapor of it because you have to drink it to get drunk.
Right?
That's not how it works.
It's like, you know, like when you, when you cook with liquor, it kind of burns off
the alcohol.
Yes.
That's basically what it did.
And then it created more smoke and then it like burned as it was.
(31:24):
Gotcha.
Okay.
Which is probably why I have more lung issues now than I did back then.
And also because I was smoking black in my house, like they were fucking cigarettes.
Same wine tip.
Thank you wood tip.
I mean wine flavor wood tips.
That me too.
That was my shit.
I used to love those.
I love, I like the smell of them now.
(31:44):
I'm like, I want one so bad, but I know my lungs will say fuck you.
Yeah, for real.
For real.
So anyway, we go in my best friend's bedroom because I was like, listen, bitch, I need your
bed.
There's no two ways around it.
There's no two ways around it.
And we go in and like we're hardcore, hardcore going at it.
Well, the party was outside the room and then the music stopped outside and I was like,
(32:07):
I'm not having everybody fucking listen to us.
So my obliterated self, oh God, decides to put on music.
You want to know what our soundtrack was for our fucking?
I do.
I do.
Baby shark.
You ever heard the song buttons by the pussycat dolls?
Yes.
Listen up my buttons baby.
Oh yeah.
That was playing.
(32:28):
I was.
Uh huh.
Yep.
And he loosened up some buttons and some other things because like boy.
I listen and I don't judge and I'm just sitting here quiet because I'm not the one asking
questions.
Okay.
Oh, we listen and we don't judge.
Fired.
Fuck.
Go.
And we end up like like full on.
(32:53):
I mean, we were all nighters.
Okay, to the point that I was fucking sore the next day and I had to go to work the next
day.
I ended up calling out because my parents had no clue where I fuck I was.
I lied to my parents all day about where I was when I was with Carrie and I had to go
home and I was walking weird because it hurt because you know, when you get that good or
(33:18):
when I thought was good dick back then.
You walk like you bow like it.
Yeah, you walk like you bow like it.
My mom was like, are you okay?
You're walking funny.
I was like, yeah, we were riding horses with Carrie at her dad's house.
No, you did not.
Sure did.
No, you didn't.
Sure fucking did.
So now that's a like you wrote horses.
Yeah, you wrote a horse.
(33:38):
All right.
You want to make her like family ever caught onto the lies that we were actually telling
like, oh, my mom did.
I bet you were my mom did because when I got pregnant, she asked me, she was like, yeah,
how many horses were you riding?
Oh, that was like my mom.
And I was like smoking all the time and I was getting high and shit.
And my mom would be like, are you high?
And I'd be like, no.
And I would literally every time I'd come in because she asked me the one time I was
(34:00):
so fucking paranoid by it that I would literally open my eyes.
Like I just like bug I know bug I'm like, hey, I'm really tired.
I gotta go to bed.
I'm like, run to the room.
My eyes wide open six lines.
Like, yeah, looking like I just did like a whole fucking line.
You know what I mean?
Like bad.
It wasn't.
It was my mom that necessarily did it, but it was my friend, Tanya.
(34:25):
Banya phone.
Yeah.
So she was she was Russian and her mom was very Russian.
They came from Russia.
They're like, oh, wait.
So she had a really big accent.
She was really Russian.
She came from Russia.
No.
Really?
You know, like I'm Greek and Portuguese, but I didn't come from there.
(34:52):
You know what I mean?
But they, but you're not really Greek and Portuguese because you think come from Portugal
or Greece.
Yeah, I'm an American with some Greek and Puerto Rican.
Yeah, I have not.
Well, good for you.
It's a ride that you have missed, my friend.
Yeah.
(35:13):
I got myself a cowboy.
You do.
Um, so every time I call up Tanya's house, her mom and answer.
I know.
Yeah.
Hi.
Is Tanya there?
Oh, well done.
Why does it sound like we have COPD?
(35:36):
We also be on the ventilator at this point.
Oh, yeah.
I swear to God, every time it was that.
Okay.
There it is.
The letters that are going to be coming in here instead of self help, it's going to be
(35:58):
like, do you need help?
I'm just going to call you 911.
You know what I'm honestly thinking about is when it translates for us like it does
with dictation.
It's just going to have a, it's not going to know what the fuck that was.
It's going to go literally double semi-colon.
(36:23):
Shit.
Here comes the cattle.
Anyway, so I used to stay at Tanya's house a lot.
Her mom is my second mom, so she had a neighbor.
(36:45):
His name was AJ.
He was super fucking cute.
He was like literally like a couple of years older than us.
I mean, nice.
Oh, don't have a fucking head.
Don't do that.
I did.
I did.
I did.
I did.
I did.
I did.
I did.
I did.
(37:05):
I did.
I did.
I did.
I did.
Thank you for the update.
Well, don't be so nosy next time.
Point proven.
So anyway, so we're at Tanya's house.
AJ's there.
We're hanging out.
And then her dad had a, her stepdad had a business.
I don't remember what it was now.
(37:27):
Something like construction.
No, but he had two workers with him.
One of the workers is really fucking hot.
R.A.P.
What?
What?
Why are you laughing when somebody died?
God.
Okay.
I think she's done.
All right.
All right.
Yeah.
(37:48):
No, it's terrible.
I'm sorry.
So we're on the side of the house.
We're all smoking weed.
Oh, is this one?
You got grass underneath.
She had something on her knees.
And then he, uh, him and I exchanged.
I'm not gonna lie.
I'm not gonna lie.
I'm not gonna lie.
I'm not gonna lie.
I'm not gonna lie.
Him and I exchanged bodily fluids.
Yeah.
(38:09):
It was like, drop them out.
I'm gonna see if it's.
I dropped to my knees.
I'm giving the whole.
Okay.
What?
It was.
I'm gonna give him that hot.
And I did.
And I fucking did.
I walked inside the house to go clean up.
Right.
Tanya's mom.
Lada is staying there at the fucking door.
(38:32):
And she's like, what are you doing?
And I was like, I need to go.
I need to go in there and need to like just use the bathroom.
And she goes, why are your knees dirty?
That's like, uh, I was playing baseball and I split the home base.
No, I swear to God.
I was like, I slipped.
I slipped and I fell and she looks at me.
(38:54):
I swear to God.
We listen and we don't judge.
Okay.
She's looking at me.
I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,
I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,
I'm like, my mom never has a girlfriend or cook.
She's looking at me swear to God up and fucking down.
And she's like naj LA story and she keeps walking away never once.
Like, and I never done that.
My mom never questioned me.
(39:15):
But dammit boy.
Do the lot of 100 fucking percent, absolutely.
I'm a best mom.
Caught me.
How you talk to your best friend.
As adults, we got older.
We just separated.
But she was like, her and Jessica were Darckie.
Mm-hmm.
They were my two best friends in the school.
She's like what?
(39:35):
Dirty shit with that one too.
Oh, different Jessica.
Yeah, different Jessica.
Okay, what?
Nothing.
What?
I heard another word.
Turkey.
Turkey?
That's okay, we're gonna move on.
Okay.
Flirky.
What word was your name?
We're gonna move on because it's NSFW.
Not.
(39:56):
Oh.
NSFW?
It's not fucking suitable for the world.
Okay.
Not fucking suitable for the world.
Did you just?
Yeah, you did.
I did.
So okay, hold on, hold on, hold on.
(40:17):
I gave my first, yep, fucking stroked it out over here.
I'll get my first.
Mm-hmm.
What was the first thing you guys ever got drunk off of?
Well, that's a hard one.
Like shit-faced drunk.
Okay, cause I was like my dad growing up like.
(40:39):
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You got shit-faced drunk on your own.
Your parents had no clue about it.
You didn't own your own.
Oh, no, never.
What?
Never, my mom, my mom, okay.
My mom was the type that she said I would rather
you drink at home and get drunk at home
if you're going to drink than to not.
I'm just asking without your parents.
(41:00):
When I was an adult.
Yeah, right, what was it?
I honestly-
Never heard of that one.
No, it's not that I never heard of it.
I just, it was, I don't know.
Like I really, like I can't really recall the first time.
Cause I can tell you the first time I got fucked up
and my mom was there, but.
(41:21):
Okay, so what did you drink?
I drank, my mom made a,
we used to, okay.
So back in the day, we owned,
what is it, an Italian ice machine company, right?
And so it was called It's a My Ice, right?
We used to go to like fairs with it.
Well, when we moved from Chicago,
we had kept one of the machines.
Okay.
And for a party, my mom decided to take one of them
(41:43):
and we poured two full bottles of Josec Guervaux
inside of it.
And then a whole bunch of margarita mix.
And it froze it to make slushies.
And we threw a house party when we lived down
in Port St. Lucie.
And I wasn't supposed to drink that night.
And I kind of went, is it okay if I just have a drink?
(42:05):
Because all the guys were there from the car dealership
they were working at.
And they were all younger guys.
And they were all like, became like my good friends.
So they were all playing because we had a pool table
and they were all playing pool.
And I was like, can I, is it all right?
If I just like have a drink and she was like,
you can have one drink.
Yeah, go ahead.
So I ended up,
we had like the solo cups out and I made myself my first one
(42:26):
filled it up to the brim, drink it as I was like playing pool
with the guys.
And I just kept filling it up over and over and over
and over again.
And the party was going.
So my mom wasn't paying attention to whether I was drinking
or not.
She just knew that I had a drink, right?
Well, after like 11 or 12 of them,
back to back to back to back, I was just like,
(42:47):
What?
Yeah, I was just trying to get them down as quick
as possible.
Cause I'm like, I want to get booked up, right?
Like, I want to experience it.
I want to die.
11 or 12 solo cups of fucking Jose Cuervo,
Margarita, frozen Margaritas.
I would have died.
Yep.
Yeah.
Well, we were playing pool and it was every time you would
lose a shot, you had to like take a couple of gulps of it.
So I kept losing and the more I drank,
(43:08):
the more I was losing.
So I just kept going, right?
To all of a sudden I'm like,
we're getting ready to finish like playing.
And I'm like, I don't feel very good.
And I don't really remember much of that outside of standing
in the kitchen and then falling.
Like just a blacking out and falling on the ground
because I was so fucked up.
And my mom came rushing in inside and I just remember
(43:29):
like, I don't feel very good.
And then I'm rushing in the bathroom and my boyfriend
was there at the time.
Jeff and I fucking was sitting there just bawling my eyes out
in the bathroom.
I was like, I'm so sorry.
And I'm like, for some reason thinking something's wrong
between us the whole time, like panicking.
So the whole time I'm sitting here.
Between you and Jeff?
Yeah.
Was acting like a complete fucking fool.
(43:50):
We never fought at that point.
You know what I mean?
Like straight up I'm sitting over the toilet.
I ended up smacking my head on the bathtub.
Like, yeah, I was fucked up.
But I never really like, my mom was always cool about shit
like in a lot of times if we drank, we drank there.
And then you got to think I had my son when I was 20.
So going out and partying at 21 was not really a thing for me.
(44:12):
And I really like, that's why I can't really like recall
a certain time outside of, well, I guess the first time
would be when I did the 21 fucking shots.
Well, it was actually 11, no, 22 shots technically.
It was the 11 double shots of the fucking, what's the shit?
The Yeagermeister with Kevin.
(44:32):
Oh, God.
Oh, no.
I have not been able to touch it ever again ever since.
Because I just remember literally having alcohol poisoning
and thinking I was throwing up blood covered in it.
Because I puked for like 12 hours.
Dude.
Yeah.
So I guess that would be something.
I know that shit burned.
(44:53):
Dude, that shit fucking sucked.
That shit burned.
Mine was vodka.
Vodka.
Vodka.
Makes sense when your best friend was Russian.
It was Svetka Vodka.
Vont Vodka.
Svetka.
Svetka Vodka.
That's the worst one.
I know.
It's like a hero's drink.
It was the one that we used to drink.
Or Sailor Jerry.
(45:14):
I know.
And my first one?
Everclear.
Everclear?
Yeah.
It was 80 proof.
What the fuck?
I remember drinking it in my friend Nicole's closet
because we hid it from her mom.
Yeah, that was like.
Oh.
Oh.
Yeah.
No, that will do that to you.
(45:35):
And then when I got into college,
the one I can't drink anymore is Fireball.
I can even smell.
Well, that probably because the fucking cinnamon.
Fuckin' cinnamon.
Shit, too, though.
Yeah.
That's probably what that comes from.
Yeah, that's gotta be because they do smell awfully familiar
and same.
You know what I mean?
But it doesn't make you poop gold.
It just makes it look fiery red.
Can you have Tennessee fire?
(45:56):
I don't like anything.
Cinnamon-y.
Anything.
Cinnamon-y.
I get it.
Nope.
That's a negative.
I don't even like the smell of cinnamon.
Like the apple.
The cinnamon rooms.
I love this.
Me too.
It reminds me of fucking Fireball.
I'm sorry.
It might put those up in the house.
That's OK.
Whatever.
My roommates in college, they used to keep handles of it
(46:16):
in the fucking freezer.
Oh my God.
And they would get drunk off of it every night.
The only way that you will see me drink Fireball
is in a cinnamon toast crunch shot.
I don't think I've ever had that fucking fiery.
What's in that?
Imagine like the milk after like, you know,
the cereal, the milk that's left over.
Oh.
Yeah.
Let's let it.
Wait, so they don't put cream in there, do they?
(46:38):
No, it's like, I think it's like Kahlua.
Bailey's?
Kahlua.
Hold on.
I love Kahlua.
I just think of the pudding shots.
Those are delicious.
Whoops.
To make this, you put some shit there.
Tarama Opa.
(46:59):
We had so much fun.
It's two ounces of rum chada and an ounce of Fireball.
Rum chada.
To rim the glass.
Rum chada and Fireball?
That's amazing.
So that's all it is for a cinnamon toast crunch.
It's fucking phenomenal.
That sounds phenomenal.
So I would all down those all fucking day.
Or B-52s.
(47:20):
Those are good too.
That's a Benadryl.
That's, what?
50 milligrams.
A B-52 is what we give psych patients in the hospital.
It's a 50 milligram of Benadryl and two milligrams
adavine.
That's a B-52.
Night night.
Night.
Yes.
(47:42):
Shit.
Oh, shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Wait.
Listen, we at least censored.
So that's all that matters.
Yeah, we did censor.
Ish.
Ish.
We did still say bitch.
Whatever.
I remember the one time when I was 16 years old and I did shrooms.
Oh, I remember.
I did my first shrooms when I was 17.
(48:04):
Never again.
It was awful.
I feel like I'm so straight edge compared to you guys.
Well, yeah, we were fucking whores and we did.
But not just that.
She had like a smaller, smaller stitch life.
You know what I mean?
We had like a more like we were able to do more life.
You were in a lot of social life.
I mean, you were allowed to, but like she's not on this.
(48:26):
I have no power.
Why did they have an accident?
You ever heard them talk?
They had that Pennsylvania like Dutch style accent.
Yeah.
I have no power.
I don't know what it actually sounds like.
I mean, I've heard them talk, but not enough for us to, for me to be able to mimic it.
It's true.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Like, yeah, I lived a, I lived a more weird.
(48:48):
It wasn't sheltered.
I wouldn't say sheltered because it wasn't sheltered.
No, I wouldn't say it was sheltered.
I just moving from up north.
I went from being in public school stuff, being homeschooled.
And then when I moved down here, I didn't, I didn't really have any like friends down
here from like 97 until like 2001, 2002 when I met Jeff.
(49:09):
And then when I met Jeff, I met Mike and Boba and all we did, we didn't, none of them really
like drink, drink.
Like of course, like Jeff and Mike would drink a little bit.
It was more beer.
We did a lot of like street racing.
That was our thing going to Morose on stuff.
So it was a lot of like illegal street racing, running from the cops, that kind of stuff.
Like, I mean, no, it wasn't like fully sheltered.
(49:31):
I ran from the cops a few times.
We ran from the cops in where I grew up.
We just did it out in the woods.
So it was easier for them to like not catch us.
That's true.
I don't think I ran from the cops.
I know the only cop run in that I had was after the hurricanes.
What was that?
(49:53):
After the hurricanes, I lived over on the island and all the restaurants were.
Uped up and me and a couple of my friends, it was.
Oh, it was me and my two guy friends that lived on the beach and we went to all the restaurants
(50:17):
that were fucked up during the hurricane and we were drinking their liquor supply.
Oh, that's really smart.
That's really fucking smart.
Actually.
So some of them had like sand in it.
Like I remember like pouring a shot.
But why is the rum gone?
Where is the rum gone?
But I remember like sand being in the vodka, but we're just still fucking pouring it like
(50:40):
from bar.
So we're.
Beach water.
Yeah, we're fucking getting drunk off of these.
These fucking bars.
Yes, literally just being fucking hoodlums.
Anyway, so we go down to Hummestown Beach.
Hummestown Beach, the time was close and they had like caution table around it and me, Michael
and Logan were were behind the caution table and walking around were drunk.
(51:03):
Well, Vera Beach police came up and they were like, Hey, what are you doing?
And I was like, Oh, nothing.
You know what I mean?
Clearly I'm fucking drunk and he's like, where do you live?
And I was like, Oh, we're there.
Like literally at that time, I literally lived on the street right across from that beach.
And he's like, well, we're gonna, we're gonna bring you to your parents.
(51:25):
I was like, no, I got it.
I got it.
I promise.
And then I was like, Oh, my mom ended up having to come and she was, you know, at first she
was living.
She's like, get your ass back the fuck up.
And I did.
And that was the end of that.
But then I came and drunk plenty more times because we still didn't stop us from drinking.
That's one thing I can say I never did.
(51:45):
I never came drunk.
You never came drunk.
I never came drunk.
I never came home.
I came drunk.
I same.
But like, you know, whatever, I never came home drunk or high to my parents.
My sister on the other hand, I'm gonna out you.
I know you're listening.
You know, you know what you did.
Let's not fucking make it a fucking secret.
(52:07):
My sister took, you know, those big water bottles, the Zephyr Hill ones, like the extra
tall ones, the ones that we decided on.
Like the leader ones.
Yeah.
She took one of those and brought it and emptied it in the sink of all the water and put vodka
in it and then took it to school.
Oh my God.
And then decided to start passing it around.
(52:30):
No.
And because she did not share with this one fucking dusty ass, crusty ass bitch, she
went and told on her.
Oh no.
Oh yeah.
And she got whole ass.
Beat.
Beat.
Not really beat, but like, you know, like beat.
Yeah.
But my dad, my dad, I mean, my dad was like military style in her face.
What the fuck are you doing?
(52:51):
Why would you do that?
You know what that makes us look like?
Never in my life will I ever forget that.
And or the other times that she got yelled at because my sister was a fucking hoodlum,
which I think was the reason I got away with a lot because everything that she did look
10 times worse than I did.
See.
And I knew I was smart enough to do it outside of the house and not bring it home.
Yeah, girl.
(53:12):
Smart.
That is a smart decision.
Yeah.
Well, somebody had to be.
Well, I think I've only done it a handful of times coming back home like that.
I used to.
What is that?
My dad, when my dad was.
(53:34):
I was young and dumb.
Okay.
We listen and we don't judge.
Yeah, absolutely.
When my dad was going through his cancer treatments and my mom used to bring him over to Moffat.
I used to have little parties, like a little ratchet fucking hoodlum and drink in my house,
but my parents weren't there.
(53:54):
But that was the only time that I would do like, you know, get drunk in my house.
This one, they weren't there.
Just when they weren't there.
Just when they weren't there.
Just out of respect for them.
I mean, yeah, even though that's fucking shitty.
Ew.
Ew.
Gross.
Well, I think this was a successful rant.
(54:19):
It was just a whole bunch of bullshit.
I don't know if it was actually successful or not.
I just know that we just spent the past hour.
I hope you guys laughed during that entire thing because like, I know we laughed and
I know that our laugh is sometimes either it's either going to be contagious for you
or annoying as fuck.
Or annoying as fuck.
And I'm just hoping that it was not annoying for you.
I mean, it's pretty annoying.
Whoa.
(54:39):
Fuck all the way off.
Cackle.
Cackle.
What?
We have a baby.
We have a baby.
Sending your shit, man.
Yeah.
Send us your fucking stories.
Don't be a little stories.
Don't be a little.
We want all the conversations.
We want all the conversations.
We want all the conversations.
We want we want topics to talk about.
If there's something that you think that we should discuss or that we should go over
(55:02):
or if you have a story of your own that you want to sit there and you want to hear us wheeze
over, please send it in.
You can do it on Instagram, TikTok.
You can send it to us on Facebook.
Or if you're old school, like we are because we're fucking ancient, you can send it to
us on.
She because we're anxious or ancient.
(55:22):
We're both.
Okay.
We're anxious agent.
Yep.
The hair when you just did that.
Look at it though.
She's fucking tweaking out.
I feel just tired.
That's true.
Anyway, send your shit into us at unhingedmemoriesatgmail.com.
(55:46):
Until next time, stay safe.
Know we love you.
You are heard.
You are seen.
You are validated.
You may have done something young and dumb and stupid, but so we all.
And don't forget to go ahead and like this episode, leave a review and follow us.
Subscribe and also please send it out to everybody you know, because we want to hear
everything.
(56:07):
I want all the fucking stories.
We want the tea.
Until next time.
Bye.
Bye.
I just want you to know that I'm sorry.
(00:02):
Music
What's up everyone!
Welcome to the fifth episode of Unhinged Memoirs.
(00:23):
Today's episode is titled,
Oops! All Tangents.
So let's see how quick we can go from one topic that we all choose
to a whole other situation where the fuck we end up.
I feel like we do that in the regular.
We do that absolutely on the mother fuck you mother.
We don't even need a subject for that.
It literally happens in our everyday lives.
(00:44):
We can start with one thing and it's going to just lead to this, to the next, to the next.
And that's how we normally keep going.
So let's talk about...
It's kind of how our conversation goes, period.
We're talking about periods.
Yes.
We'll be picked a topic.
Why?
Do what?
So we'll be picked a topic. Periods.
Periods.
Ooh.
Hey, do we know about tampons like the kind of tampons that we're using?
(01:08):
Are we really having this conversation?
Yes, because we're talking about periods.
Do we know what...
What?
Why?
No, because I bought the L brand because they're organic.
The what type?
The L brand.
The L brand?
L.Love.
L.Brand.
Shove love up your cooter.
I love it.
Shove love.
I mean, isn't that the whole aspect of like why you want things in your cooters?
(01:32):
Because you want the love.
To be the shoving love.
Up the cooter.
Shove and love.
That's what I'm going to start referring to it as.
I'm just going to go on the...
Shove and love.
Shove and love right now.
Shove and love.
I'll feel like love when you're pulling it out though.
Bald kitty or hairy kitty?
Bald.
Bald when I can shave.
Yeah, bald 100%.
(01:53):
Like waxed or shanked?
No.
I don't know.
You are not ripping shit out of there like that.
Absolutely not.
I have so much respect for people who can do that shit, but I cannot.
I'm growing out my peeps to get a wax.
Are you really?
Yep.
I feel like I would break out and like just bumps because I think like I've waxed my legs
before it and the times that I've waxed my legs, I had like the bumps and like a rash
(02:16):
from it afterwards on my legs.
So mm-mm.
I did my armpits one time too, that shit fucking hurt.
I would wax my asshole before I'd wax my armpits again.
Yeah, I would like to wax my asshole.
And then I'm trying to...
What?
You don't want to wax your asshole?
Sure.
Would you wax your asshole?
Yeah, I guess.
I mean, I don't know.
(02:37):
This is just weird for me to talk about.
You know, God and everybody listening.
You know, it's like a weird thing though.
I would have to wax my own asshole somehow.
I would have to figure out how to get in the mirror.
I don't want anybody seeing my chocolate starfish.
I can tell you this, like, you know, like when you've ever had a pimple on your ass and
you're like literally squatted over a mirror trying to pop that bitch because you're like,
I don't let anybody see this bitch.
I can't turn that way.
(02:58):
You put a mirror on the floor and squat over it.
It's not a pretty sight.
I'm just...
Never have I ever.
You see your fucking stink wrinkle just sitting there?
I never stink wrinkle!
I literally cannot.
It took us all three seconds to get away from the topic of periods.
Episode over.
(03:20):
Have a great day guys.
Listen, if there's one thing we talk good about, it's sex.
We always differ.
Everything is sexual with us.
Like not with us, but like...
I know.
I feel like we're teenage boys half the time.
We are.
We are.
We are fucking 100% teenage boys.
No, we are not fucking teenage boys.
No, we're not.
No, no, no.
We are 100% fucking teenage boys.
(03:42):
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
Speak for yourself.
I am not.
Maybe the boys that we have fucked have the mentality of a teenage boy.
That's fucking facts.
We'll go with that.
Ooh, I remember being a teenager and those...
Not teenager, I was like 18.
That's a teenager still.
Yeah.
Because you know, when it says 18, that's usually...
(04:03):
No, I know, but like I meant...
Like I don't want to say that like whatever the fuck I'm saying.
18?
But I remember sex back then was fucking crazy.
What'd you say?
What'd you say?
I was trying to figure out a way to say it like 20.
18?
18?
18?
18?
You said it by saying 80.
80?
(04:24):
80?
80?
80?
80?
There's a binge of his butt never here.
No, could you imagine?
No, absolutely not.
I don't want to.
So anyway, sex when you were 18.
Sex when I was 18.
I remember having so much fucking fun.
First of all...
Not worth that she was going with that.
Me either.
I had so much fun.
No, I did have so much fun.
So this is what happened.
So I only had sex once.
(04:47):
She's actually lying.
No, no, no.
I lost my virginity at 16.
And then...
What?
Why?
No.
You know, when like you find out life stories from people and you're like, you find out there's
sexual conquests and everything like that and you're going, damn, I guess I'm a whore.
How old are you in Alastor?
(05:08):
I'm 15.
So was I.
Okay.
Okay.
She was only 16.
I mean, she was literally just like right on that cusp.
You know what I mean?
No, no, she was on something.
It was my 16th birthday.
Okay.
So she was technically 15 and a three quarters.
Right.
I was 15 and a three quarters.
At the strike of midnight.
Literally the cusp.
So I lost my virginity in a hotel room.
(05:31):
During a hurricane.
During a hurricane.
Wait, wait, wait.
A hotel what?
During a hurricane.
A hotel what?
During a hurricane.
Like the rum.
Rum.
Like the rum you drink?
A hotel room.
Where's the rum?
Fuck you.
Holiday.
It was the Hampton in dog.
But anyway, so I remember.
I was in the hotel on the budget.
So my, okay.
(05:52):
So we went there during the hurricanes.
It was Francis and Jean 2004.
And I met a guy there.
I would hope so.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You met him at the hotel?
I absolutely met.
Wait, wait, wait.
You lost your virginity to some random dude?
Like a rando?
That's bossy.
Or.
I'll say it.
(06:13):
I did.
I fucking did.
She was just afraid her cherry was going to fall off.
You know what I mean?
So she's like, I just got your rid of it.
She's afraid their her cheerios were going to fall off.
Her cherry was going to fall off.
That's so sad.
So hindsight, it's crazy because like, you know, being, being the older self, I'm like,
(06:34):
you know, you're a little bit older than me, not crazy, but he was definitely not in his
teens and I was just turning 16.
So I met him there and we were hanging out.
And then my mom just thought it was like innocent, whatever.
And she's like, Hey.
I'm sorry.
(06:56):
Listen.
I'm not gonna say that.
I'm just thinking about like,
I'm thinking about like, it's my daughter
and I went to a hotel and she met some random 20 year old
and they're like, we're gonna go hang out in the room.
Oh, that's innocent.
No, no, no, no.
That's not where I was going.
Oh, okay.
No, no, no, no, no.
We were all hanging out like, we used to hang out like,
down in the, cause there was no power
(07:16):
in the fucking hotel during the hurricane, right?
And we would hang out in the hotel.
And we would hang out in the hotel.
And we would hang out in the hotel.
And we would hang out in the hotel.
And we would hang out in the hotel.
And we would hang out, we'd play cards,
we'd do all this shit.
My mom would be down there hanging out with his parents
as she sipped a...
Sorry, I was taking a sip of my deep eddies.
Oh, he was deep all right.
(07:37):
Oh, go ahead.
So we were, my mom saw us just hanging out,
like having fun, like playing cards,
we were downstairs in like the common area, all that shit.
You're playing strip poker?
No.
No.
They're playing rum.
They're playing rum.
In the time.
In the rum.
In the rum.
In the rum.
And it was my birthday.
(08:00):
And my mom wanted me to get out of the hotel
because she was, she and the hotel staff
was decorating the downstairs lobby for my birthday.
So she asked Elby to bring me out.
The blonde James?
Oh, no.
Wow.
The blonde.
Two syllables.
(08:21):
Got it.
The blonde.
The blonde James.
So she asked Elby to take me around the outlets
to go shopping to kind of like distract me,
which hindsight, why were the outlets open
and we had to bar in the fucking hotel?
It doesn't make any sense.
Anyway, so we walked around the outlets.
(08:43):
I get back there, we had to party, whatever.
My mom's like, oh, happy birthday.
And I still have those pictures somewhere to this day
with him in the background.
On my birthday, it's actually super cute.
For real.
And pop that cherry.
That's my shoe.
I could just see him in the back.
I know that motherfucker.
(09:04):
That could have been very well him.
But anyway, so then my mom, the very next day,
had to earn, no, no.
What was it the day after?
It was right after.
It was the day after.
Why are you laughing?
But anyway, my mom wanted to go to her friend's house
and my mom and my dad left.
And then I told LB that they're leaving.
Well, he knocks on the hotel door
(09:26):
and I knew it was about to go down.
Space and opportunity, bitch.
Stay less.
Space and opportunity.
So I had my favorite pair of jeans on.
I had my little green top that had the little buttons.
My cleavage, it was like fucking down to your bitch.
Okay.
I had.
Down to here, bitch.
(09:49):
I had usher.
If I go there with you.
Have you heard that song?
No.
Maybe if I heard the actual.
Can you handle it?
Can you handle it?
I can go there with you.
Nope.
No.
Anyway, she was handling it.
So I was like, I answered the door.
I was like, oh, hey.
(10:11):
And he was like, hey, so we get in there
and he fucking waste no motherfucking time.
We start making out.
He fucking takes it from there.
Whatever.
What?
He fucking takes it from there.
Like that was so, that was so calm.
Like you literally were like all in it.
Like he was just fucking takes it from there.
(10:33):
And then I like how you PG that I'm proud of you.
I'm really proud of you.
Thank you.
He just takes it from there.
So that happened.
And that's the last time that I saw him for a long time.
I shit you not.
It was probably when did I work at Starbucks?
2007, three years later.
(10:56):
I'm working at Starbucks.
I get a little ding ding in my earphone through the drive through.
And you throw a camera.
And it had cameras.
Like when they come through the drive through and I noticed that it's him and a woman in
the front seat and the woman has what looks like a three year old child.
(11:19):
Okay.
So he comes sitting in her lap in the back seat.
You can see that and all that little family.
Yeah.
Oh shit.
The cameras are really big for Starbucks.
So I was like, oh, he recognized my voice.
Then he got to the window and he fucking, I mean, like, why does a fucking ghost?
And I was like, Hey.
And I tried to get a hold of him like a fucking crazy person here goes drama.
(11:44):
Okay.
I tried to get a hold of him like through his parents, like in between that three years.
And so when he pulls up to the window, he's like, Hey, and I was like, Hey, how you been?
Like, like just normal, whatever cash conversation.
He's with his wife and his kid.
(12:07):
Oh, yeah.
Wait, so he was married.
He was married.
Married man, fucking a teenager.
Yes.
Okay.
Love that.
So anyway, so I didn't see him.
Hold on.
Hold on.
It gets better.
So then fast forward.
He goes into the army and he's not with her anymore, splits up with her, leaves his kid
(12:36):
here, gets into the army, him and I are talking.
So this is now fast forward 2000 and 1011 1212 1320 13.
Okay.
And we're still talking.
He then comes down on one of his breaks from the army comes hangs out with me.
(12:57):
We do our thing.
Now I'm in my twenties and he's in his late twenties and we do our thing again and then
I don't hear from him again.
Is this one of the Victoria's secrets?
Yeah, that's 2011.
Was it 2011?
Okay.
So 2011.
So now four years after that, now we were talking for a little bit and then we stopped talking.
(13:19):
And then when I got my apartment in 2015, some like that.
Yeah.
2015 now again, four years later, he's getting out of the army.
Now in the midst of his span, we're talking that whole time.
And he ends up getting married to like an Asian woman has a baby with her, leaves them,
(13:40):
gets out of the military.
He's Vietnamese.
And her baby.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I remember talking to her name was Jen.
That's right.
It was.
Yes.
What does it say with you and exes that have people in their lives named Jen?
Yeah, I don't know.
You notice that?
There's one other.
He had like 14 gents in his life.
(14:04):
Yeah.
Stop.
I don't mean that.
I just respect for him just know there was a lot of gents in his life.
Yeah.
I knew a lot of gents.
It's true.
It's true.
So then he comes from his break from the military and stays with me.
Why are you laughing?
I just happened to look up and I almost spit my water out my back.
(14:27):
There's that.
And then he stays with me 2014 2015, whatever it was.
And then now he's my roommate.
Right now.
No.
10 years later.
No.
You didn't know.
I'll be literally like, I've never seen it before.
Yeah.
No.
10 years later, he came and lived with me in my apartment and then stole a whole bunch
of shit and left.
And then literally fucking I got him on a phone plan.
(14:48):
Me and these men in phone plans got him on a phone plan and then he fucking took shit
didn't pay rent.
He took shit took the phone.
He took a shit and then took my phone fucking and went about his merry motherfucking way.
You know, it's funny is how much you and I done shit.
Oh, like now I can't say the same story per se.
(15:11):
But I lost my virginity to an LB.
I didn't realize his last name was a B.
Yeah, Borkovich.
And it was the same first name.
Yeah, it sure was.
Yeah, I was 15.
He would freshly turning 18 and neither of us had even kissed beforehand.
(15:37):
Okay, like when I tell you we were like fresh, fresh outside of like, you know, like stupid
shit.
But like, you know, I mean, like that was like the first person that I like willingly did
shit with and fucking I remember because I met him because he lived up in Illinois and
I was down here and it's I was like the first version of catfish through a well, it's the
messenger.
(15:58):
You were I was with him.
Yes.
So I was all my game all the time.
Right.
And so I met him in some chat group.
See, right.
And he was like ASL and I was like 17, Florida or 17 female from Illinois.
So I said he was like, no shit.
He's like, I'm 17 in male in Illinois, what part of Illinois you and I'm like, fuck,
(16:21):
because I was I literally was living in fucking boards or Vero at the time.
Right.
And so I'm like, oh, I live in Anyak and he's like, holy shit.
He's like, I live in Kerry.
He's like, you're only like an hour away.
Right.
And he's like, send me a picture.
Right.
And I was like, I can't send him a real picture of me right now.
Right.
So I literally, oh God.
I don't even remember what the fucking website was, but I went to some porn website.
(16:46):
I went into this porn website and I like grabbed a picture of a girl.
Okay.
Who was still fully dressed, but you don't like how back in the day, like before porn
was porn, where before they did the videos, they did a lot of like the pictures where
you got like 400 pictures of the scene, like it acted it out from like the beginning.
(17:07):
It was like, you know, if you take them and put them in an album and just out, so I take
a picture and she was like, and that's like really tight top.
And she was like wearing these really cute shorts.
Right.
She looked like a prettier version of Britney Spears not drugged the fuck out.
Okay.
Back in the day.
Right.
Like pre 2007.
Pre 2007.
Right.
(17:28):
Okay.
And so I saw a picture and he's like, oh my God, you're so fucking beautiful.
And his best friend was like literally obsessed with Britney Spears.
Like had a huge picture of her in his room of like, yeah.
Like, and he was like, you're so beautiful.
You were like my dream girl.
And I was like, yeah.
And he's like, what do you do for fun?
And at that time I was really into like aggressive inline skating.
(17:48):
Right.
But down here.
So I was like, ah, just like I have aggressive skate.
Like I have a skate park in my house.
And like, I did.
I started creating all these fucked up stories.
Right.
And he was like, we ended up talking for, I think it was like three months, right?
And he goes, I have a surprise for you.
(18:09):
And I go, yeah.
And he's like, yeah, he's like, but you're just going to have to wait.
And I go, okay, no problem.
Like cause I'm like now like talking to him.
Wait, did he send you a picture?
Did you know what he looked like?
Yes.
Yes.
I knew what he looked like.
He sent me a real picture of him.
Right.
So this whole time in, in my dumb ass, like I started talking to him and like I didn't
send him any more pictures after that, but I was just talking to him so much that I
actually started catching feelings for him.
(18:31):
Right.
And I was like, oh no.
And the whole time I was like, I really need to tell him.
I really need to tell him like, because like I'm going to get myself hurt because I really
like him and this isn't a thing.
Right.
So one of the days he ends up messaging me.
I didn't hear from him like a good portion of the morning and I'm like, why haven't I
heard from him?
(18:51):
Cause normally he'd message me first thing in the morning.
Right.
And I didn't hear from him.
So it wasn't until like late afternoon he messaged me.
He's like, you have some explaining to do.
Oh God.
And I'm like, what?
And he's like, I drove to Antioch because I gave him a fucking address like a dumb ass.
Not thinking he was in a get in a car and drive to me.
Okay.
So I give the address of like an old house, like just somewhere in Antioch because I used
(19:13):
to live up there.
Right.
So here I go fucking just give him a dress in the beginning.
I was like, yeah, I live off of this trade and on the corner and da, da, da, da.
And you know, I'd pulled it up on like fucking map quest or some shit to find the fucking
address just to do it that way.
Right.
And then this morning I drove to your house with flowers.
He's like, and knocked on the door.
No.
He's like to be greeted by someone saying that there is no person named Jessica living
(19:35):
here.
And then I started asking other questions.
He's like, so who the fuck are you really?
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
And I was like, oh fuck.
And so like I literally was like, can I call you?
Because we had taught you to talk on the phone too.
Right.
And I told him that I had just moved back from Florida.
So that's why my home phone number was a four.
Like, I mean, but he fell for it.
(19:57):
You know what I mean?
So whatever.
So I call him like, I am so sorry.
I just, I really love you.
And I'm doing like this whole thing.
And I was like, and by the time.
How long were you talking to him at this point?
About three, four months.
Oh yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
And the whole thing that it came down to was is like, I didn't expect it like when I
first messaged her to be like that.
You know what I mean?
Like how many people have you talked to on a one semester and you're like, oh yeah, this
(20:17):
conversation is gonna last for a whole five minutes.
Like legit.
Right.
So I'm not just going to send a random picture of myself like, hey, here I'm putting myself
out in the world.
I mean, but I'm going to give you an address.
Right.
I'm just going to give a fake address.
It's not in my mind.
So I'm to worry about it because you can show up in my house.
I mean, so fucking I do all that.
Right.
And he's like, well, send me a real picture of yourself then.
So I said, I'm, he's like, you're pretty.
Why wouldn't you've done it?
(20:37):
Why wouldn't you've just sent me a real picture of yourself?
And I was like, um, because I don't think, um, as pretty as she is, he's like, you are
pretty.
And then after that, just like kind of fast forward and we stayed talking.
Valentine's Day.
He sent me gifts.
Um, and then my grandfather passed away up in Illinois.
And it was end of March and it was right by my grandfather's birthday.
(21:01):
And so I went up and we were staying in Lake Villa to go to my grandfather's, uh, funeral.
And, um, he ended up driving from Kerry to come see me.
And then after that, like shortly later, like we were so inseparable while I was there for
the couple of days that he was like, I want to move down to be with your mom was like,
whatever.
So my mom allowed him to move down in with me.
(21:21):
And we didn't have sex for like the first four or five months because I was so scared
to have sex with him.
Right.
Cause I was like, I've never done this before.
He's never done this before.
And he was like really cool about it, like waiting for me to be ready to have sex.
Right.
Well, one of the times I think my mom was in her room.
They were like working on something.
And so I was like, you know, right now I'd be like a really good time.
(21:42):
Right.
And he'd already, we'd already bought condoms like the week beforehand because we knew
like when that time comes, we wanted to be prepared.
Right.
That's responsible.
Absolutely.
But the problem.
So neither of us know what the fuck we're doing.
All right.
And so I'm so paranoid because like, I feel like I lived in fear growing up of like, I'm
going to get in trouble.
(22:03):
I'm going to get in trouble.
I'm going to have my ass beat.
Right.
So I'm like, we should go in the closet cause I see you walking in the closet.
I was like, we should go in the closet cause I feel like we need to hide.
Like we can at least, we have the bedroom door closed and we can close the closet door
and we'll be fine.
Right.
So here we go into the closet.
Okay.
And he doesn't do anything.
Okay.
And just right in.
(22:23):
Right.
And I'm like, it lasted for a whole 30 seconds cause it was like an American pie situation
right where he was like, and he pulls on and he's like, did it?
Was it good for you?
And I was like, I don't know.
Like I'm not, I think so.
And then I remember like literally like panicking and I literally made him get in his fucking
(22:44):
little Honda prelude and we drove to the seven 11 across the street there in St.
Lucie, US and fucking throw away the condom in the seven 11 garbage can cause I was so
afraid my mom would go through the trash can and find the condom.
And I was like crying the whole way.
I was like, it hurts.
My stomach hurts.
All my hurts.
It was like the worst experience, the worst fucking experience to ever have.
(23:06):
Like I was like, that is.
Meanwhile, he's like one of those directs, tiny condoms.
Like, no, he wasn't.
It was just a look on her face.
No, no, no, he wasn't.
It was way too big for his own good.
Yeah.
No, that was, it was very unpleasurable.
Actually, I did not enjoy any time we did anything because he was, he was quite thick
(23:28):
and long.
It was not, it was actually like, especially as like someone who didn't do that kind of
stuff growing up.
You know what I mean?
Like I, I've fucked meant for a first time, I was like, okay, this is too much.
And then, you know, you wanted to, we should try anal.
Absolutely.
You know, you can fuck all the way off.
He was like super into it.
He was like, I just, you know, we just got to try it.
And I'm like, all right, I guess.
(23:48):
So here I am on all fours on my bed, right?
No.
And he doesn't spit on it.
Nothing.
Like just goes to jam it in.
And that's if you've heard me say the expression, like I felt like a cat climbing the walls
because I literally screamed and was like clawing at the bed to get away.
Like I was like, no.
It was fucked up.
Yeah.
No, that's scarred me for life.
(24:10):
I'm like, people are going to do it all.
I'm like, yeah, not in your wildest fucking dreams, buddy.
Am I doing that anymore?
Nope.
Oh shit, what about you, Liz?
Tell us your first story.
Oh no, don't.
Uh-uh.
You're part of this fucking chaotic, unhinged bullshit.
Come on.
Spill it.
Listen.
Oh, you know, it's going to be good when she says listen.
(24:36):
So my actual first time, I don't like to talk about it because it was like, yeah, it was
not something I want to relive.
However, I will tell you my first time willingly.
That's what I'm talking about.
Okay.
We're not talking about others.
It was, I was, I was like 17 years old because I was working at Wendy's.
(24:58):
Oh, what?
Oh, hold up.
I'm not, because I'm not telling you about any of the other stuff.
No.
We will not go there.
Um, but I will tell you about when I used to work at Wendy's, which any of my Wendy's
people who are listening, please like the secrets are safe with us.
Hashtag no judgment.
Hashtag no judgment.
(25:18):
We listen and we don't judge.
Um, so we used to, the Wendy's that I worked at, we had a lot of young, uh-uh-uh.
Fuck all the way off.
Shut up.
She literally went, ah-ah-ah.
We used to have a lot of, um, young people that worked on our crew and, uh, we would
(25:41):
do a lot of things that- sorry, good.
I get the, I, I understand.
I get it.
I was breaking bread.
She was breaking rocks.
Guys.
We used to have a lot of people that did a lot of bad things, like, you know, like,
we listened and, you know, did shit, we would hot box the freezer and all that kind of stuff.
(26:06):
It's the judgment eyes.
It is the judgment eyes.
Like, I feel so judged.
Oh, I'm not judging you.
I feel judged because I'm being a cookie.
Can you stop shaking my daddy?
Okay, go.
So anyway, one time we were all working and we were like, you know what, we feel like
getting drunk.
We feel like getting high.
We feel like doing all this business.
At Wendy's?
(26:27):
Just go with me and just-
Wait, no.
Yes.
Yes, we were at Wendy's when we decided this because I said we were at work.
Okay.
I got it.
And we decided that we were going to have a party after work.
Gotcha.
Gotcha.
And so we went to my best friend at the time, Carrie's house, because she had her own apartment.
(26:49):
She was living her best life at 18 years old.
And it was literally, I think the apartment was the size of this bedroom.
No.
No, yes, 100%.
It was like one of those little holes in the walls.
Yeah, like an efficiency.
Yeah, but it had a bedroom.
It was just weird.
Fair.
But anyway, so we go and she's like, we're going to have a party.
(27:12):
And I'm like, okay, so who's buying the alcohol?
Like none of us are old enough.
She had somebody on fucking retainer.
Okay.
That was me at 18.
And she had gotten like cases delivered to the house and then everybody was kind of like
a B, B Y O B.
Bitch beer, bottle, bong, everything.
(27:34):
They're sad.
So we had a bring your own free for all basically.
And so then everybody starts getting there and I had the biggest lady boner.
Yeah, my fucking does that mean that you have a very extra large clitoris means you got
a hard on.
That's all.
(27:54):
What a lady boner does not mean you have a big clip.
No, it just means you have a big dick.
Like you you're like, fuck, I want to fuck that.
Like you have a lady boner for Brian.
Okay.
So I had the biggest lady boner for one of the guys that worked there.
His name began with a and which is last name like the initial.
(28:18):
I don't remember.
This was I have slept since then.
Okay.
So if we call him AK 47.
Wait, did you just say you slept since then?
Yep, sure have.
And he was coming.
He was like, I'll come if you come.
And I was like, oh, you will.
You will.
Anyway, so he is there and he brought the weed and he was known as the plug because
(28:42):
he always had the best weed.
I think I've ever smoked in my entire life for that time period.
I love our childhood decisions.
Yeah.
Well, you know what?
Now I have asthma.
So who's really winning?
So he was like, yeah, I'm going to come blah, blah, we'll hang out.
We'll do this.
Well, me and my best friend, Carrie shot for shot did a whole bottle of Jose Cuervo.
(29:05):
Oh, no.
So I was fucking obliterated by the time he got there.
And I mean, I thought I was just fucking cute.
You know how we were in the 2000s.
Yeah.
Only want to talk about cute and being drunk.
Leopard print.
Too much self-tanner.
Our hair was, our hair was fucking something.
It was wet, dry, straightened with the bangs.
(29:26):
100% fucking had that.
It was awful.
Okay.
No.
And do you remember the matmos like the dream matmos?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
17 shades darker than your fucking skin.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I thought I was like the shit.
You were back then.
I was.
That was the thing.
He comes and he's like, you know, doing the whole, hey, you look good, this, no, let's
(29:50):
get a drink.
Yeah, let's go.
Cause I was much more of a girly girl back then.
I know it's really hard to believe everybody who knows me, but I was Valerie back then.
I was, I was the Valley girl back then.
I was like, oh my God, like, yeah, let's go.
It's crazy.
Do I really talk like that?
Do I?
So then we decided to, so he gets a drink and then he was like, Hey, let's like, let's
(30:20):
get this bong.
We decide like fucking idiots because it's a waterbong.
We're going to put McCarty 151 in it instead of water.
Dude, it is.
I've never done that, but is that a good idea?
No, because it burns like fucking fiberglass.
It hurts so bad.
Oh no.
But I was fucking, I was obliterated.
Okay.
(30:41):
Wait.
So we go into her bedroom.
Wait, I have questions about that.
What?
What?
I was, I sat here quiet during both of your stories.
Oh, do we have to sound spired?
I don't know.
You gotta give him that hook.
This is not a thing.
I mean, that's a little off kilter, but sure.
(31:01):
What's your question?
Come on.
I have a question.
Did you get drunk and high off of it?
Because it's only vapor of it because you have to drink it to get drunk.
Right?
That's not how it works.
It's like, you know, like when you, when you cook with liquor, it kind of burns off
the alcohol.
Yes.
That's basically what it did.
And then it created more smoke and then it like burned as it was.
(31:24):
Gotcha.
Okay.
Which is probably why I have more lung issues now than I did back then.
And also because I was smoking black in my house, like they were fucking cigarettes.
Same wine tip.
Thank you wood tip.
I mean wine flavor wood tips.
That me too.
That was my shit.
I used to love those.
I love, I like the smell of them now.
(31:44):
I'm like, I want one so bad, but I know my lungs will say fuck you.
Yeah, for real.
For real.
So anyway, we go in my best friend's bedroom because I was like, listen, bitch, I need your
bed.
There's no two ways around it.
There's no two ways around it.
And we go in and like we're hardcore, hardcore going at it.
Well, the party was outside the room and then the music stopped outside and I was like,
(32:07):
I'm not having everybody fucking listen to us.
So my obliterated self, oh God, decides to put on music.
You want to know what our soundtrack was for our fucking?
I do.
I do.
Baby shark.
You ever heard the song buttons by the pussycat dolls?
Yes.
Listen up my buttons baby.
Oh yeah.
That was playing.
(32:28):
I was.
Uh huh.
Yep.
And he loosened up some buttons and some other things because like boy.
I listen and I don't judge and I'm just sitting here quiet because I'm not the one asking
questions.
Okay.
Oh, we listen and we don't judge.
Fired.
Fuck.
Go.
And we end up like like full on.
(32:53):
I mean, we were all nighters.
Okay, to the point that I was fucking sore the next day and I had to go to work the next
day.
I ended up calling out because my parents had no clue where I fuck I was.
I lied to my parents all day about where I was when I was with Carrie and I had to go
home and I was walking weird because it hurt because you know, when you get that good or
(33:18):
when I thought was good dick back then.
You walk like you bow like it.
Yeah, you walk like you bow like it.
My mom was like, are you okay?
You're walking funny.
I was like, yeah, we were riding horses with Carrie at her dad's house.
No, you did not.
Sure did.
No, you didn't.
Sure fucking did.
So now that's a like you wrote horses.
Yeah, you wrote a horse.
(33:38):
All right.
You want to make her like family ever caught onto the lies that we were actually telling
like, oh, my mom did.
I bet you were my mom did because when I got pregnant, she asked me, she was like, yeah,
how many horses were you riding?
Oh, that was like my mom.
And I was like smoking all the time and I was getting high and shit.
And my mom would be like, are you high?
And I'd be like, no.
And I would literally every time I'd come in because she asked me the one time I was
(34:00):
so fucking paranoid by it that I would literally open my eyes.
Like I just like bug I know bug I'm like, hey, I'm really tired.
I gotta go to bed.
I'm like, run to the room.
My eyes wide open six lines.
Like, yeah, looking like I just did like a whole fucking line.
You know what I mean?
Like bad.
It wasn't.
It was my mom that necessarily did it, but it was my friend, Tanya.
(34:25):
Banya phone.
Yeah.
So she was she was Russian and her mom was very Russian.
They came from Russia.
They're like, oh, wait.
So she had a really big accent.
She was really Russian.
She came from Russia.
No.
Really?
You know, like I'm Greek and Portuguese, but I didn't come from there.
(34:52):
You know what I mean?
But they, but you're not really Greek and Portuguese because you think come from Portugal
or Greece.
Yeah, I'm an American with some Greek and Puerto Rican.
Yeah, I have not.
Well, good for you.
It's a ride that you have missed, my friend.
Yeah.
(35:13):
I got myself a cowboy.
You do.
Um, so every time I call up Tanya's house, her mom and answer.
I know.
Yeah.
Hi.
Is Tanya there?
Oh, well done.
Why does it sound like we have COPD?
(35:36):
We also be on the ventilator at this point.
Oh, yeah.
I swear to God, every time it was that.
Okay.
There it is.
The letters that are going to be coming in here instead of self help, it's going to be
(35:58):
like, do you need help?
I'm just going to call you 911.
You know what I'm honestly thinking about is when it translates for us like it does
with dictation.
It's just going to have a, it's not going to know what the fuck that was.
It's going to go literally double semi-colon.
(36:23):
Shit.
Here comes the cattle.
Anyway, so I used to stay at Tanya's house a lot.
Her mom is my second mom, so she had a neighbor.
(36:45):
His name was AJ.
He was super fucking cute.
He was like literally like a couple of years older than us.
I mean, nice.
Oh, don't have a fucking head.
Don't do that.
I did.
I did.
I did.
I did.
I did.
I did.
I did.
I did.
(37:05):
I did.
I did.
I did.
I did.
Thank you for the update.
Well, don't be so nosy next time.
Point proven.
So anyway, so we're at Tanya's house.
AJ's there.
We're hanging out.
And then her dad had a, her stepdad had a business.
I don't remember what it was now.
(37:27):
Something like construction.
No, but he had two workers with him.
One of the workers is really fucking hot.
R.A.P.
What?
What?
Why are you laughing when somebody died?
God.
Okay.
I think she's done.
All right.
All right.
Yeah.
(37:48):
No, it's terrible.
I'm sorry.
So we're on the side of the house.
We're all smoking weed.
Oh, is this one?
You got grass underneath.
She had something on her knees.
And then he, uh, him and I exchanged.
I'm not gonna lie.
I'm not gonna lie.
I'm not gonna lie.
I'm not gonna lie.
I'm not gonna lie.
Him and I exchanged bodily fluids.
Yeah.
(38:09):
It was like, drop them out.
I'm gonna see if it's.
I dropped to my knees.
I'm giving the whole.
Okay.
What?
It was.
I'm gonna give him that hot.
And I did.
And I fucking did.
I walked inside the house to go clean up.
Right.
Tanya's mom.
Lada is staying there at the fucking door.
(38:32):
And she's like, what are you doing?
And I was like, I need to go.
I need to go in there and need to like just use the bathroom.
And she goes, why are your knees dirty?
That's like, uh, I was playing baseball and I split the home base.
No, I swear to God.
I was like, I slipped.
I slipped and I fell and she looks at me.
(38:54):
I swear to God.
We listen and we don't judge.
Okay.
She's looking at me.
I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,
I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,
I'm like, my mom never has a girlfriend or cook.
She's looking at me swear to God up and fucking down.
And she's like naj LA story and she keeps walking away never once.
Like, and I never done that.
My mom never questioned me.
(39:15):
But dammit boy.
Do the lot of 100 fucking percent, absolutely.
I'm a best mom.
Caught me.
How you talk to your best friend.
As adults, we got older.
We just separated.
But she was like, her and Jessica were Darckie.
Mm-hmm.
They were my two best friends in the school.
She's like what?
(39:35):
Dirty shit with that one too.
Oh, different Jessica.
Yeah, different Jessica.
Okay, what?
Nothing.
What?
I heard another word.
Turkey.
Turkey?
That's okay, we're gonna move on.
Okay.
Flirky.
What word was your name?
We're gonna move on because it's NSFW.
Not.
(39:56):
Oh.
NSFW?
It's not fucking suitable for the world.
Okay.
Not fucking suitable for the world.
Did you just?
Yeah, you did.
I did.
So okay, hold on, hold on, hold on.
(40:17):
I gave my first, yep, fucking stroked it out over here.
I'll get my first.
Mm-hmm.
What was the first thing you guys ever got drunk off of?
Well, that's a hard one.
Like shit-faced drunk.
Okay, cause I was like my dad growing up like.
(40:39):
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You got shit-faced drunk on your own.
Your parents had no clue about it.
You didn't own your own.
Oh, no, never.
What?
Never, my mom, my mom, okay.
My mom was the type that she said I would rather
you drink at home and get drunk at home
if you're going to drink than to not.
I'm just asking without your parents.
(41:00):
When I was an adult.
Yeah, right, what was it?
I honestly-
Never heard of that one.
No, it's not that I never heard of it.
I just, it was, I don't know.
Like I really, like I can't really recall the first time.
Cause I can tell you the first time I got fucked up
and my mom was there, but.
(41:21):
Okay, so what did you drink?
I drank, my mom made a,
we used to, okay.
So back in the day, we owned,
what is it, an Italian ice machine company, right?
And so it was called It's a My Ice, right?
We used to go to like fairs with it.
Well, when we moved from Chicago,
we had kept one of the machines.
Okay.
And for a party, my mom decided to take one of them
(41:43):
and we poured two full bottles of Josec Guervaux
inside of it.
And then a whole bunch of margarita mix.
And it froze it to make slushies.
And we threw a house party when we lived down
in Port St. Lucie.
And I wasn't supposed to drink that night.
And I kind of went, is it okay if I just have a drink?
(42:05):
Because all the guys were there from the car dealership
they were working at.
And they were all younger guys.
And they were all like, became like my good friends.
So they were all playing because we had a pool table
and they were all playing pool.
And I was like, can I, is it all right?
If I just like have a drink and she was like,
you can have one drink.
Yeah, go ahead.
So I ended up,
we had like the solo cups out and I made myself my first one
(42:26):
filled it up to the brim, drink it as I was like playing pool
with the guys.
And I just kept filling it up over and over and over
and over again.
And the party was going.
So my mom wasn't paying attention to whether I was drinking
or not.
She just knew that I had a drink, right?
Well, after like 11 or 12 of them,
back to back to back to back, I was just like,
(42:47):
What?
Yeah, I was just trying to get them down as quick
as possible.
Cause I'm like, I want to get booked up, right?
Like, I want to experience it.
I want to die.
11 or 12 solo cups of fucking Jose Cuervo,
Margarita, frozen Margaritas.
I would have died.
Yep.
Yeah.
Well, we were playing pool and it was every time you would
lose a shot, you had to like take a couple of gulps of it.
So I kept losing and the more I drank,
(43:08):
the more I was losing.
So I just kept going, right?
To all of a sudden I'm like,
we're getting ready to finish like playing.
And I'm like, I don't feel very good.
And I don't really remember much of that outside of standing
in the kitchen and then falling.
Like just a blacking out and falling on the ground
because I was so fucked up.
And my mom came rushing in inside and I just remember
(43:29):
like, I don't feel very good.
And then I'm rushing in the bathroom and my boyfriend
was there at the time.
Jeff and I fucking was sitting there just bawling my eyes out
in the bathroom.
I was like, I'm so sorry.
And I'm like, for some reason thinking something's wrong
between us the whole time, like panicking.
So the whole time I'm sitting here.
Between you and Jeff?
Yeah.
Was acting like a complete fucking fool.
(43:50):
We never fought at that point.
You know what I mean?
Like straight up I'm sitting over the toilet.
I ended up smacking my head on the bathtub.
Like, yeah, I was fucked up.
But I never really like, my mom was always cool about shit
like in a lot of times if we drank, we drank there.
And then you got to think I had my son when I was 20.
So going out and partying at 21 was not really a thing for me.
(44:12):
And I really like, that's why I can't really like recall
a certain time outside of, well, I guess the first time
would be when I did the 21 fucking shots.
Well, it was actually 11, no, 22 shots technically.
It was the 11 double shots of the fucking, what's the shit?
The Yeagermeister with Kevin.
(44:32):
Oh, God.
Oh, no.
I have not been able to touch it ever again ever since.
Because I just remember literally having alcohol poisoning
and thinking I was throwing up blood covered in it.
Because I puked for like 12 hours.
Dude.
Yeah.
So I guess that would be something.
I know that shit burned.
(44:53):
Dude, that shit fucking sucked.
That shit burned.
Mine was vodka.
Vodka.
Vodka.
Makes sense when your best friend was Russian.
It was Svetka Vodka.
Vont Vodka.
Svetka.
Svetka Vodka.
That's the worst one.
I know.
It's like a hero's drink.
It was the one that we used to drink.
Or Sailor Jerry.
(45:14):
I know.
And my first one?
Everclear.
Everclear?
Yeah.
It was 80 proof.
What the fuck?
I remember drinking it in my friend Nicole's closet
because we hid it from her mom.
Yeah, that was like.
Oh.
Oh.
Yeah.
No, that will do that to you.
(45:35):
And then when I got into college,
the one I can't drink anymore is Fireball.
I can even smell.
Well, that probably because the fucking cinnamon.
Fuckin' cinnamon.
Shit, too, though.
Yeah.
That's probably what that comes from.
Yeah, that's gotta be because they do smell awfully familiar
and same.
You know what I mean?
But it doesn't make you poop gold.
It just makes it look fiery red.
Can you have Tennessee fire?
(45:56):
I don't like anything.
Cinnamon-y.
Anything.
Cinnamon-y.
I get it.
Nope.
That's a negative.
I don't even like the smell of cinnamon.
Like the apple.
The cinnamon rooms.
I love this.
Me too.
It reminds me of fucking Fireball.
I'm sorry.
It might put those up in the house.
That's OK.
Whatever.
My roommates in college, they used to keep handles of it
(46:16):
in the fucking freezer.
Oh my God.
And they would get drunk off of it every night.
The only way that you will see me drink Fireball
is in a cinnamon toast crunch shot.
I don't think I've ever had that fucking fiery.
What's in that?
Imagine like the milk after like, you know,
the cereal, the milk that's left over.
Oh.
Yeah.
Let's let it.
Wait, so they don't put cream in there, do they?
(46:38):
No, it's like, I think it's like Kahlua.
Bailey's?
Kahlua.
Hold on.
I love Kahlua.
I just think of the pudding shots.
Those are delicious.
Whoops.
To make this, you put some shit there.
Tarama Opa.
(46:59):
We had so much fun.
It's two ounces of rum chada and an ounce of Fireball.
Rum chada.
To rim the glass.
Rum chada and Fireball?
That's amazing.
So that's all it is for a cinnamon toast crunch.
It's fucking phenomenal.
That sounds phenomenal.
So I would all down those all fucking day.
Or B-52s.
(47:20):
Those are good too.
That's a Benadryl.
That's, what?
50 milligrams.
A B-52 is what we give psych patients in the hospital.
It's a 50 milligram of Benadryl and two milligrams
adavine.
That's a B-52.
Night night.
Night.
Yes.
(47:42):
Shit.
Oh, shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Wait.
Listen, we at least censored.
So that's all that matters.
Yeah, we did censor.
Ish.
Ish.
We did still say bitch.
Whatever.
I remember the one time when I was 16 years old and I did shrooms.
Oh, I remember.
I did my first shrooms when I was 17.
(48:04):
Never again.
It was awful.
I feel like I'm so straight edge compared to you guys.
Well, yeah, we were fucking whores and we did.
But not just that.
She had like a smaller, smaller stitch life.
You know what I mean?
We had like a more like we were able to do more life.
You were in a lot of social life.
I mean, you were allowed to, but like she's not on this.
(48:26):
I have no power.
Why did they have an accident?
You ever heard them talk?
They had that Pennsylvania like Dutch style accent.
Yeah.
I have no power.
I don't know what it actually sounds like.
I mean, I've heard them talk, but not enough for us to, for me to be able to mimic it.
It's true.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Like, yeah, I lived a, I lived a more weird.
(48:48):
It wasn't sheltered.
I wouldn't say sheltered because it wasn't sheltered.
No, I wouldn't say it was sheltered.
I just moving from up north.
I went from being in public school stuff, being homeschooled.
And then when I moved down here, I didn't, I didn't really have any like friends down
here from like 97 until like 2001, 2002 when I met Jeff.
(49:09):
And then when I met Jeff, I met Mike and Boba and all we did, we didn't, none of them really
like drink, drink.
Like of course, like Jeff and Mike would drink a little bit.
It was more beer.
We did a lot of like street racing.
That was our thing going to Morose on stuff.
So it was a lot of like illegal street racing, running from the cops, that kind of stuff.
Like, I mean, no, it wasn't like fully sheltered.
(49:31):
I ran from the cops a few times.
We ran from the cops in where I grew up.
We just did it out in the woods.
So it was easier for them to like not catch us.
That's true.
I don't think I ran from the cops.
I know the only cop run in that I had was after the hurricanes.
What was that?
(49:53):
After the hurricanes, I lived over on the island and all the restaurants were.
Uped up and me and a couple of my friends, it was.
Oh, it was me and my two guy friends that lived on the beach and we went to all the restaurants
(50:17):
that were fucked up during the hurricane and we were drinking their liquor supply.
Oh, that's really smart.
That's really fucking smart.
Actually.
So some of them had like sand in it.
Like I remember like pouring a shot.
But why is the rum gone?
Where is the rum gone?
But I remember like sand being in the vodka, but we're just still fucking pouring it like
(50:40):
from bar.
So we're.
Beach water.
Yeah, we're fucking getting drunk off of these.
These fucking bars.
Yes, literally just being fucking hoodlums.
Anyway, so we go down to Hummestown Beach.
Hummestown Beach, the time was close and they had like caution table around it and me, Michael
and Logan were were behind the caution table and walking around were drunk.
(51:03):
Well, Vera Beach police came up and they were like, Hey, what are you doing?
And I was like, Oh, nothing.
You know what I mean?
Clearly I'm fucking drunk and he's like, where do you live?
And I was like, Oh, we're there.
Like literally at that time, I literally lived on the street right across from that beach.
And he's like, well, we're gonna, we're gonna bring you to your parents.
(51:25):
I was like, no, I got it.
I got it.
I promise.
And then I was like, Oh, my mom ended up having to come and she was, you know, at first she
was living.
She's like, get your ass back the fuck up.
And I did.
And that was the end of that.
But then I came and drunk plenty more times because we still didn't stop us from drinking.
That's one thing I can say I never did.
(51:45):
I never came drunk.
You never came drunk.
I never came drunk.
I never came home.
I came drunk.
I same.
But like, you know, whatever, I never came home drunk or high to my parents.
My sister on the other hand, I'm gonna out you.
I know you're listening.
You know, you know what you did.
Let's not fucking make it a fucking secret.
(52:07):
My sister took, you know, those big water bottles, the Zephyr Hill ones, like the extra
tall ones, the ones that we decided on.
Like the leader ones.
Yeah.
She took one of those and brought it and emptied it in the sink of all the water and put vodka
in it and then took it to school.
Oh my God.
And then decided to start passing it around.
(52:30):
No.
And because she did not share with this one fucking dusty ass, crusty ass bitch, she
went and told on her.
Oh no.
Oh yeah.
And she got whole ass.
Beat.
Beat.
Not really beat, but like, you know, like beat.
Yeah.
But my dad, my dad, I mean, my dad was like military style in her face.
What the fuck are you doing?
(52:51):
Why would you do that?
You know what that makes us look like?
Never in my life will I ever forget that.
And or the other times that she got yelled at because my sister was a fucking hoodlum,
which I think was the reason I got away with a lot because everything that she did look
10 times worse than I did.
See.
And I knew I was smart enough to do it outside of the house and not bring it home.
Yeah, girl.
(53:12):
Smart.
That is a smart decision.
Yeah.
Well, somebody had to be.
Well, I think I've only done it a handful of times coming back home like that.
I used to.
What is that?
My dad, when my dad was.
(53:34):
I was young and dumb.
Okay.
We listen and we don't judge.
Yeah, absolutely.
When my dad was going through his cancer treatments and my mom used to bring him over to Moffat.
I used to have little parties, like a little ratchet fucking hoodlum and drink in my house,
but my parents weren't there.
(53:54):
But that was the only time that I would do like, you know, get drunk in my house.
This one, they weren't there.
Just when they weren't there.
Just when they weren't there.
Just out of respect for them.
I mean, yeah, even though that's fucking shitty.
Ew.
Ew.
Gross.
Well, I think this was a successful rant.
(54:19):
It was just a whole bunch of bullshit.
I don't know if it was actually successful or not.
I just know that we just spent the past hour.
I hope you guys laughed during that entire thing because like, I know we laughed and
I know that our laugh is sometimes either it's either going to be contagious for you
or annoying as fuck.
Or annoying as fuck.
And I'm just hoping that it was not annoying for you.
I mean, it's pretty annoying.
Whoa.
(54:39):
Fuck all the way off.
Cackle.
Cackle.
What?
We have a baby.
We have a baby.
Sending your shit, man.
Yeah.
Send us your fucking stories.
Don't be a little stories.
Don't be a little.
We want all the conversations.
We want all the conversations.
We want all the conversations.
We want we want topics to talk about.
If there's something that you think that we should discuss or that we should go over
(55:02):
or if you have a story of your own that you want to sit there and you want to hear us wheeze
over, please send it in.
You can do it on Instagram, TikTok.
You can send it to us on Facebook.
Or if you're old school, like we are because we're fucking ancient, you can send it to
us on.
She because we're anxious or ancient.
(55:22):
We're both.
Okay.
We're anxious agent.
Yep.
The hair when you just did that.
Look at it though.
She's fucking tweaking out.
I feel just tired.
That's true.
Anyway, send your shit into us at unhingedmemoriesatgmail.com.
(55:46):
Until next time, stay safe.
Know we love you.
You are heard.
You are seen.
You are validated.
You may have done something young and dumb and stupid, but so we all.
And don't forget to go ahead and like this episode, leave a review and follow us.
Subscribe and also please send it out to everybody you know, because we want to hear
everything.
(56:07):
I want all the fucking stories.
We want the tea.
Until next time.
Bye.
Bye.
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