April 20, 2024 • 37 mins
Welcome to this gripping episode of Vicious Whispers with Mark Tullius, where he navigates you through his personal journey in battling brain health issues and his tenacious commitment to jujitsu. This episode emanates raw emotion, where Mark candidly discusses his visits to the Amen Clinic, his struggle with emotional regulation, his fight against depression and his passion for martial arts training. Discover how Mark uses cognitive-stimulating practices such as language learning and music to navigate his mind's labyrinth, his churning dedication to writing even amidst recovery sessions, and his pursuit to stay productive no matter the odds.
Listen to him eagerly discuss his latest books, Try Not to Die: In Arcranium and TNTD: In a Dark Fairy Tale and his collaborative ventures with professional editors like PW Feutz and Lindsay Smith. Get updates on AuthorCon 4, learn about other interesting upcoming events, and delve into his unique philanthropic initiative 'Barter for a Book'. Get inspired by how Mark leverages his own experiences with anxiety to make a positive impact on others in their mental health battles.
The episode ends on an unforgettable note with a gory horror story. The tale triggers an atmospheric chill as the notorious character Larry, the south side slasher, materializes from the pages of renowned author Robert's latest thriller. Explore a horrific reality where a writer's lethal fantasy resurfaces from the oblivion of deletion, marking the beginning of a renewed nightmare. This episode is sure to leave you contemplating the repercussions of the strokes of a writer's pen and the mind's endless mysteries.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to Vicious Whispers with Mark Tullius, your source for horror,
sci-fi, suspense, and all things violent.
(00:30):
Is actually, I shouldn't say fucked, let's say screwed.
No, let's not say that either because I'm going to repair it.
So my brain isn't in the ideal place.
I went to the Amen Clinic. I wrote about them in TBI or CTE.
Dr. Amen is one of the leading brain health specialists in the world.
Loved his books. I talked about his book. I talked about the studies he did on cannabis.
(00:53):
And I also said I wasn't going to listen to him because I felt like I needed cannabis.
I thought It probably wasn't that bad. Yes, it ages the brain more than alcohol.
But I was like, fuck it because I need it.
That's just been my attitude. But I had been having a couple of depressive episodes.
Those could be kind of scary. Depression, rage. It's just a lot of anxiety,
(01:16):
a lot of hard time controlling emotions.
So it's like, no, I don't want that to happen anymore. I need to take a look at my brain.
I've already spent so much money and time looking at it. So I was a little hesitant to do that.
But yeah i i realized i owed it
to my family that's something that really stuck with me in
my book tbi or cte spent a lot of time talking about
(01:36):
my friend michael poorman who i played football with at brown university spent
time with his family before he died he was dying of i believe leukemia and it's
because he couldn't fight it because of his brain health issue but one of the
conversations i had in his kitchen with michael wasn't there but three of my
other friends from brown were
there we were talking about problems i was informing them letting them
know kind of like what the deal is and you know some of
(01:57):
the concerns and they were kind of scared like someone
was saying like i think i'd rather not know blah blah blah and michael's
wife sarah said hey you guys owe it to your families or to yourself but also
owe it to your families to you know take care of this to get it looked at and
so that was one of the things i was thinking about when i signed up for the
amen clinic my wife my niece they've had great results there so i was I was
(02:20):
like, okay, I'll go and do it.
Absolutely loved everyone there. All the testing was awesome.
Everyone I talked to was awesome.
Went in and did the spec scans, which is looking at the blood volume in different
areas of the brain and also brain activity.
Now, it's time to meet the psychiatrist. It's a Zoom call, and he seems pretty concerned.
(02:41):
He doesn't want to give me the news. And so it's pretty much me.
I was like, dude, I'm already expecting it's not going to look good.
I've seen the scans of people with four years of cannabis use,
and I've had 36 with maybe at most six months off in that whole time period.
Not a lot of time off. and my use is heavy
(03:04):
it could be you know i don't know fuck it's a
pretty heavy usage anyhow because my
tolerance is crazy it's not like i'm walking around feeling high it's just cannabis
is what i had been using to lower you know the anxiety and then caffeine is
what i was using to increase my brain activity so you know kind of vicious cycle
(03:24):
both of those are negatives when taken in excess And especially if you have brain injuries,
which I've had a lot of.
And I probably still am getting one of his concerns was me doing jujitsu.
He's like, yeah, it's wonderful for your anger, anxiety, all that overall health.
But you're also taking some blows to the head. Sometimes you take an elbow.
(03:44):
I've blocked out a couple of times just real quick, but still don't really need
that today. I took a stomach hit the back of my head.
Thank God it was soft. But if they had come back hard, that would have been
awful. And I would have been upset about that.
But what are you going to do? So not ready to give up jujitsu.
But after talking with them, I decided, yeah.
(04:05):
And I had already had this thought going in. I was like, okay,
if it's not good news, then I will go ahead and start lowering my cannabis use. Not a big deal.
I've been the poster child for cannabis and love it and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
But I'm okay changing my stance. You know, I was like, okay,
I'm, I'm looking at this information, seeing the brain scans, not fun, but yeah.
(04:27):
So when he, he tells me, he's like, he's like, dude, he's like,
I've been looking at brain scans for 20 years and this is not good.
He's like, we're the same age and this is not good.
So yeah, that's what I was dealing with. And, but he's very surprised at just
how well my cognition is all my ability to think.
Awesome. It's emotional regulation. That is a big problem.
(04:48):
Problem and as far as the cognition goes and the
front of my brain being in such great shape he was
surprised by that i was like oh i'm not surprised because i did all that neurofeedback i
did a ton of neurofeedback that's the area that we worked on we
worked on my sleep all that has been so beneficial and he said yeah because
the neurofeedback is one of the things that he recommended that i continue to
do so i will be picking that up also hyperbaric oxygen chamber i've already
(05:12):
started that so i told him i was like whatever you guys recommend i'm doing
so cutting out cannabis the The last couple of days,
I had barely any, he didn't want me to stop cold turkey, but I just don't need it.
So yeah, just small amounts at night, just to chill a little bit.
We'll see. I'm pretty sure that's going to continue. They got me on this medication.
Gabba's supposed to help lower anxiety, not feeling the best with it.
(05:35):
I just sent them a message saying, hey, this is what's going on.
Having a little bit of trouble concentrating.
That alone is enough for me. Like I need to write.
I need to be able to think. I need to be able to sit at my computer and do my
stuff. And my anxiety isn't that bad. I'm able to deal with it about so much.
You know, I was telling him, I was like, I'm very reflective.
I have an incredible support system. I have my wife. I have my family. I have my friends.
(05:58):
I have so many readers that reach out to me that, you know, I have messages back and forth with.
So that's awesome. I have jujitsu. I have my jujitsu team.
Today, I think there were probably over 10 people with the Try Not To Die rash
guards for Try Not To Die Fridays.
So that's pretty amazing.
So all that is wonderful. yeah we'll see whether or
(06:19):
not i continue this medication whether or not it's going to help that much
it's a really low dose but i also don't like now it's
causing a little bit of trembling in my hands i was like i don't want
motherfuckers thinking i'm scared and what else is there but
oh and the sleep has been terrible but again that
might be because of the the decrease in the
cannabis so today i was up at three pretty much
(06:39):
from three o'clock on i was up this morning i was answering emails by
3 30 but i got a lot of stuff done getting my
german books in order just brought on another trying
not to die third co-author that's going to
be awesome i don't know if i talked about last time but
we also have man i i have way too
many trying to have to dies but i fucking love
(07:00):
it i love how excited these people are getting about it
they love the idea and that's the
kind of motivation i was like there's no there's no
shortage of motivation for me to stay positive
to keep moving to keep creating to do all that and that's one of the things
i make sure to tell my co-authors you know before we sign a contract like hey
you're gonna see that you know if you see my post or whatever else you might
(07:24):
be a little bit worried like oh this motherfucker's got cte he's gonna go out
in a bad way and blah blah blah blah no i'm not so i've already made.
That commitment that's not happening i'm doing great the amen
clinic scans would just to make sure you know it's like 90 95
of the time i'm fucking cool yeah maybe my anxiety is a little bit high but
i deal with it or i avoid areas that are going to make it worse you know it's
(07:47):
just that five percent that i do not want to risk i don't want to fall back
into any depressive type episodes rage episodes these are my shit type episodes
so there is that but yeah so feeling good.
What else? I already started the hyperbaric oxygen chamber, doing a soft chamber
instead of a hard chamber.
It's a little easier on you. It's not as intense.
(08:10):
You have to go more times, but that's okay. So I have to drive all the way to
Costa Mesa for that, which is like an hour in traffic.
But what's super cool is it is like
five minutes away from 10th planet costa mesa
where coach was who i train train with
in the mornings he also teaches over there at 11 so now
instead of waking up at 6 a.m i just go to costa mesa this week i did it twice
(08:34):
and then friday at whittier next week i have three sessions in costa mesa so
i will hit those three classes and then i'll do one or two days in whittier
depending on how my body feels but definitely on fridays because that's fun.
Yeah, today was just a brutal workout, the hardest workout we've done this whole
year, at least with Coach Wes, but I loved it.
And now, in about an hour, he'll be over, maybe less than an hour,
(08:57):
and we will be working on our tournament of, I don't know what it's called, maybe death.
I don't know. We're going to come up with a perfect name for it.
We're also designing a cool-ass rash guard.
Today, I just put out something asking for an artist that can create all,
I don't know, 8 to 16 characters. We're going to make some cool cards with them, all that kind of stuff.
So a lot of fun stuff ahead of me. I really look forward to Fridays,
(09:21):
being able to create like that, being able to hang out.
And it's also an extra huge bonus that Jake loves Coach Wes,
and that makes him excited to come home from school.
So what else do we got going on? So we got my brain damage. Oh,
Emily Haynes was asking about what do we do for our brain, you know, to help him.
And this is, you know, this has always been kind of hard for me.
(09:41):
And he's like, man, I'm incredibly fortunate that I'm able to do these things.
Sometimes I don't even like talking about it. I was like, fuck,
man, I know there's so many people that can't. They can't afford to do it.
And maybe they don't even know about these options. But it could get pricey.
But the things that have been helping my cognition, in addition to the neurofeedback,
of course, that helped probably the most. But it's because I play guitar.
(10:04):
I don't play guitar every day, but I started picking that up again.
That works the brain. Do Duolingo every single day. I've been doing that for
the last almost 700 days.
And before that, it was like a short break and another 300 days.
So that's something that I'm doing constantly.
Every day, I'm also listening to German heavy metal. So I can process that and
(10:24):
try to work on it a little bit. So trying to work the brain in different ways.
And I think that has been definitely a huge help for me. Something I encourage.
Yeah, learning music, learning languages.
Those are things that are great for you.
So what else is there? And jiu-jitsu. Jiu-jitsu is also wonderful because you
have to really think about these moves.
You're always thinking. You're always trying to figure something out.
(10:47):
That's one of the reasons why I like it so much.
Jiu-jitsu at Costa Mesa is a little bit different than jiu-jitsu at Whittier
because the guys at Costa Mesa are more advanced.
They've been doing it longer. There are higher belts there, and there are some
very good higher belts. I was getting smashed by Andre.
And again, it's awesome. I love that. I love the challenge.
(11:09):
I don't have to win every round. I don't want to win every round.
I want to go against guys that are going to beat me so I can train really hard
to try to get them or so they don't get me as often. And there's also a brown
belt there, Mike, that was incredible.
So being able to train with those guys, plus I know there's so many more over
there that I'll get to meet and work with.
That's very cool. You know, in Whittier, I'm the brown belt.
(11:32):
I'm with a bigger fish in a small pond over in Costa Mesa.
Yeah, I, I'm going to work my way up there.
So again, and I'm older, so I don't have to be that great.
That's what, that's, what's kind of nice too. He was like, yeah,
I'm a brown belt, but I'm also kind of fucking broken.
And I took off so long. So I'm getting
(11:52):
back into it. And I'm a newer brown belt. So I got tons of excuses.
And I use them like crazy because, yeah, it's not fun getting tapped. But or it could be.
It's all on your attitude. So I'm excited about that. I'm excited about training
with Coach Wes over there and then over here on Whittier.
So having the two different gyms, that's pretty cool. Not going to worry about
(12:14):
traffic. I'm not going to worry about the drive.
I will use that time to talk to friends or listen to podcasts in different languages
or whatever it is. So I'll be productive in that time.
One of the cool things about doing the hyperbaric is you can bring your right.
I brought my writing in. So I'm editing, trying to study in our cranium while getting this oxygen.
(12:36):
You know, I have to be in there for an hour. So I was like, shit, a very productive hour.
That's awesome. I love it. I could have brought my phone in too, but I was like,
no, i'm gonna leave my phone outside she was surprised by this because i believe
most people probably take their phone in i was like no i wanna i wanna write
i wanna concentrate and then just meditate and relax so that was super good
i'm 80 pages into trying to die in our cranium just the first read through and
(13:00):
light edit then i'll have to go in for the heavy edit and that will take a while.
But that one's cool. That one would be nice to get done. Also just finished
trying to die in a dark fairy tale, went over PW foits.
He was the editor on that one and went over all his changes.
He did an amazing job, but I fucking love what he did with it.
He addressed all my concerns, found out, found other stuff to fix up.
(13:22):
Evan's going through those changes. Now he's going to add to it. He'll give it back to me.
I'll make my changes. Then I will give it to Lindsay Smith for the final edit.
And then we'll have that out. That should be out by June 4th.
Slash tag, trying not to die on slash tag. Paperback is out now.
I do not have the real copy.
This one still has a bullshit streak, not for resale, but those copies will be in on Wednesday.
(13:45):
If you've ordered it on Amazon, you probably got your real copy before I got mine.
I think that's bullshit, but whatever.
I'll let it slide this time, but I'm excited about getting those copies.
Also excited about taking John all of the cool things we got. We got, we got coasters.
We have trying not to die. I dyed on slash tag pins.
We have some I dyed on slash tag stickers. We have all kinds of cool shit.
(14:08):
Made a bunch of new bookmarks and stuff.
And this is all through Sticker Mule, who I love. And they also put a huge Try
Not To Die sign up on my wall.
So every time I walk in here, that's what I see. Gets me pumped up. That's all I need.
Yeah, looks just like this guy on my chest. I have to go back in two weeks to
probably about two weeks or so to get him finished up.
I have to do more color on my chest on the tattoo. to. And then I'm also going
(14:31):
to fix up the same artist who did Death Fest.
And so he's going to fix that one up to just put, you know, saturate the color and all that.
So all kinds of exciting shit.
Two of the things I want to do real quick before Wes gets here,
all my books, just about all my books are wide and I'm going to be selling them direct as well.
And the direct ones will be probably about half the price of what you're going
(14:54):
to spend on Amazon or Barnes and Noble,
apple liberal if you do buy
books on apple and all those other platforms that
would be amazing if you could pick it up or and leave a
review if you read it before that'd be amazing to
leave reviews because i have zero reviews on all my books on every platform
except for amazon just about because i've been on amazon forever because it's
(15:17):
easy and i'm all about easy but over the last month or two months or however
long i've slowly been making changes in the books slowly been
transferring them over this next step is getting them up
for direct so everyone could get them really cheap i think
the first five try not to dies plus number eight
are now wide or in the process of going
(15:37):
wide and yeah all that will be up on
my website hopefully in a week yeah that's that should
be what happens releasing trying to die at death fest and death fest confessions
next week in german so have the covers have everything done that's awesome got
the cover for trying to not to die in Brownsville with Jay Bauer that's going
(15:57):
on and yeah just crazy how big try not to die is getting.
Oh, also yesterday, I just happened to see Jay Bauer saw a post of his about
going to AuthorCon 4 in St. Louis.
There are only so many more tables left. So I said, you know what?
Fuck it. Let's do it. I didn't talk to my wife because I also saw there was
(16:19):
a cancellation policy if I need to.
I was like, fuck it. I'm just going to get a table and go for it.
So that makes four different events I will be going to this year.
That also says a lot about where I am as far as anxiety.
I don't know. know i used to get anxiety about those kinds of things but man
after especially after going to germany and doing the book
mesa that's the biggest one in the world fucking loved
(16:40):
it non-stop not like i didn't stop talking to people the entire day one day
i didn't even leave my booth and it was incredible so and that's speaking german
half the time so i'm cool with doing these things i'm excited to be meeting
all these different readers and all these different authors this would be my
first time meeting some of these co-authors of mine in person.
(17:01):
So I know Duncan Ralston will be at Books and Brew in Chicago.
We're hitting that one. I think that's August 3rd. Doing one in Knoxville,
Tennessee sometime in September.
Also doing, I think, I forget the dates, but I'm also doing one in Connecticut.
The week before Chicago and then AuthorCon, I think, is October 4th.
So very busy. I don't know who will be with me. The whole family will be going to the Chicago one.
(17:25):
My son will be going with me to the Connecticut one.
Him and my buddy's friend, Luca, are actually going to be doing a little jiu-jitsu demonstration.
So that will be a lot of fun talking about TBI, talking about jiu-jitsu for
domestic abuse victims.
Last thing I want to talk about, I recently just put up something about barter
for a book. Like send me your art.
(17:46):
If you want to send me a piece of art, personal art in exchange for a signed
book, if you live in the U S that is amazing.
I do have one going out to someone special in Australia.
That's a special thing because it costs a lot of money, but she's also sending
me something too. So that's pretty cool.
It's just, I never have anything to look forward to, right? I'm the one always
sending books and I get nothing in return.
(18:07):
All I get here are bills, which I don't even really look at.
My wife handles all that, but it'd be nice to get stuff. I did receive a package
from Emily Haynes. She was the first person to do this. She's been so supportive.
Always the nicest messages, always sharing, always reviewing. Just super cool.
And yeah, her family sent us some really cool stuff, some really cool 3D printed pieces.
(18:32):
Her son sent me a piece of art that's up on my wall.
That's what I'll be doing with all of them. Because again, man,
this is what it's all about.
It's all about the connections. I just want to be a positive person,
making a positive impact on other people, letting them know how much they affect me as well.
A lot of people think that they're not shit, you know.
Some people put authors on a pedestal, too. So, like, you know,
(18:54):
they're surprised if I even write back to them. I'm like, this is a regular fucking person.
So, it's always really cool to be like, yeah, you know what,
maybe I did brighten your day with a message or whatever else.
I was like, but your message did that same exact thing to me,
you know. We're all people.
We all have those types of emotions. And so, yeah, whoever you are,
you can turn someone's day around just by doing something positive for them,
(19:15):
saying something nice, smiling at them. Fuck, who knows what it is.
But enough with all this happy shit, right? I got to go. I'm going to leave
you guys with a horror story. I don't know which one. It's going to be a surprise.
I think we do something off of Untold Mayhem, but we shall see.
We'll see how I feel when I edit this later tonight and share it in the newsletter tomorrow.
(19:37):
All right, guys. Thank you so much for listening. I really appreciate it.
Hope you have an amazing week, and I will talk to you later. Peace.
Music.
Left Unfinished A soft scraping sound pulled Robert from his nightmare a little after 3 a.m.
(20:01):
If he was lucky, he would catch a few more hours of sleep before the long day ahead.
The novel had to be in Marty's hands by 8 that night, and Robert wanted to proofread it one last time.
Robert closed his eyes and pulled the comforter to his chin.
The metallic scraping returned, louder and longer this time.
(20:23):
It sounded as if it were coming from inside the house, from inside his room.
The silhouette of a man appeared at the foot of his bed, a very large man.
And the man was drawing something across the metal crossbar,
just inches from his feet.
This was still a nightmare. Everything seemed so real, but Robert must have
(20:46):
fallen back to sleep without realizing it.
Either that, or he never woke the first time.
It was just a realistic dream.
Robert's eyes adjusted to the darkness, and he realized it was the same guy from his nightmare.
And he was dragging a straight-edge razor against the bed frame.
No one used those kinds of razors anymore.
(21:08):
Further evidence that this had to be a dream.
The scraping stopped, and the man grasped the bottom of the comforter and tossed it onto the floor.
The breeze from the open window blew across Robert's feet. If this were one
of his novels, the hero would whip out a gun.
Robert was too petrified to even move.
The man grabbed Robert's foot and held it against his side, brought the razor beside it.
(21:32):
Robert clapped his hands, and the bedroom lights flashed on. This couldn't be.
The man The man didn't have a face, at least not a real one.
Besides the black goatee and
flattened nose, the rest of the bald man's features were not fully formed.
The man's ears were large lumps with no real shape. His eyes were round and
(21:54):
black, but dull and void of life.
Instead of lips between the mustache and chin, there was only skin.
Wake, damn it, Robert screamed. Wake!
The man squeezed his ankle harder, murder, set the razor against the top of Robert's foot.
Robert tried to yank his foot back, but the mouthless man had it in a vice grip.
(22:15):
The razor bit into the top of his foot, slicing through the skin and veins, riding across the bone.
The pain was so clear and brilliant, Robert rifled his free foot on the man's
hand, knocking it away, but not freeing the razor.
The bald giant held up a fist. A mass of flesh fused around the razor's handle.
(22:35):
No thumb, no fingers, no knuckles.
It was the right size and color of a fist, but it lacked all detail,
unlike the shiny razor, which was identical to the weapon wielded by the villain from Robert's novel.
Robert continued to fight, but even with the blood lubricating his ankle, he couldn't pull free.
Red hot pain ripped through his foot as the bastard tore open another gash.
(23:00):
The creature's face couldn't show emotion, but Robert knew the son of a bitch loved every second.
The man finally let Robert's leg fall.
Robert had never experienced such pain. Part of him wanted to die, to surrender.
But then he noticed the attacker's left hand. It had only one finger, the ring finger.
(23:22):
And it had an intricately designed titanium wedding ring wrapped around it.
He had a very bad feeling he knew what was inscribed inside it.
Looking the killer in his blank eyes, Robert said, Larry, with this ring, I give you my soul.
Forever yours, Veronica.
(23:46):
The man nodded, and if he'd had lips, Robert was sure they would have spread in a grin.
Jesus Christ, it couldn't be Larry. Larry didn't exist, but neither did people
who were missing mouths.
The man pulled the black turtleneck over his shaved head.
(24:06):
The south side slasher always killed with his shirt off.
He loved the feel of warm blood spraying onto his skin. and there they were, his tattoos.
The snake wrapped around his left arm and the demonic skull on his right.
Robert had drawn those tattoos himself and here they were in the flesh.
(24:27):
The sleeve of the turtleneck got caught on the fist with the razor in it.
Robert slid off the bed, nearly passing out from the pain when his injured foot hit the floor.
Hopping on his good foot, Robert reached the bathroom as a muffled scream came
from behind. He glanced over his shoulder and saw Larry tear the turtleneck
in half as he howled, the skin covering his mouth muting the sound.
(24:50):
Robert slammed the door closed behind him and threw the lock a second before Larry crashed into it.
Robert slid down against the door and grabbed the towels lying on the floor.
He had already lost a lot of blood and couldn't last much longer if he kept gushing.
With the handle rattling back and forth above his head, Robert made a quick
tourniquet with one towel and wrapped two others around his wounds.
(25:12):
He needed to get to a hospital.
The handle stopped turning, and heavy footsteps left the room.
There was only one door in the bathroom, and Robert couldn't fit through the
sliver of a window, even if he had been a hundred pounds lighter.
He was stuck in here, and his cell phone was beside the bed.
The closest neighbor was over a block away.
(25:35):
He was screwed. Rude. With his ear to the door, Robert could hear noise coming from one of the rooms.
He had hoped against hope that Larry was leaving, but he knew better than that.
He knew Larry better than anyone did.
The sky was the definition of evil.
When Robert had created the serial killer, he had worried the character wouldn't be believable.
(25:58):
Sure, there were psychos and sociopaths that did some really outrageous shit,
But Larry lived to take lives.
He loved inflicting pain. Robert had been afraid he had made the guy too sadistic, too over the top.
But his agent convinced him it would sell.
Larry would make a figurative killing.
(26:18):
There was a loud grunt and the thump of footsteps heading toward the bedroom.
He must have found something to open the door. What could Robert do?
He had no weapons in here. He couldn't get away. He was helpless.
Why was Larry after him in the first place?
Robert had created the maniac. He had given him life.
(26:40):
Larry survived at the end of the novel. There was the possibility of a sequel.
Why would he come after his creator? and why was he deformed?
The footsteps stopped outside the door. Robert held his breath and waited.
A thundering kick slammed into the door, knocking Robert toward the toilet.
(27:00):
The door bounced off the bathroom wall and back into the frame.
The door thrust open. Larry stepped into the bathroom and set Robert's laptop at his feet.
On his way out of the bathroom, Larry ripped the bathroom door off its hinges
and threw it onto the bed.
He grabbed the chair at the desk and plopped down on it outside the bathroom.
The only reason Larry wouldn't kill someone would be because he wanted something.
(27:24):
He wanted something from Robert and it had something to do with the book.
Robert turned on the computer and opened the document, trying to block out the
mind-numbing pain and concentrate on the story.
What was there not to be happy with? Larry didn't die.
He satisfied every vile urge he felt, four times alone in one chapter.
(27:46):
The ladies found him attractive and charming.
Attractive? This guy wasn't attractive.
Robert looked up and studied Larry. He could be attractive, if he weren't missing
parts, if he weren't deformed.
That was it. It wasn't that Larry was deformed. He wasn't described.
(28:10):
Robert had thought he had described him to a T, but looking back,
he realized he may have rushed over some difficult spots and cut a few corners.
Description had never been a strong point. Unless, of course,
he was describing a maggot-infested wound or the slow-motion bludgeoning of an old woman.
(28:31):
Flowery descriptions were for the literary novelists. They could spend pages
describing someone's eyes.
He would mention the blonde's eyes were blue and rush to the good part where
she was being ravaged by the madman. You want to be whole?
Larry grunted with a nod. Robert searched for the first mention of the maniac.
(28:52):
I guess step one should be give you a mouth.
There was a weak paragraph where Robert added a short sentence describing Larry's
razor-thin lips that complimented his sharp tongue.
God damn it, Bobby. It's about fucking time, he said in a girlish whisper.
Robert stared at the hulking beast. Facts, Dad, Larry shrieked.
(29:15):
Robert rushed to Larry's first kill and began typing.
He'd always pictured the man with a rough, gravelly voice.
Let's see, Larry growled. Much better, much better, Bobby boy.
It's Robert. Robert? Larry pointed the bloody razor at him. It's whatever the
fuck I decided is, Bobby boy.
(29:37):
Sorry. Should be. You know this is the first goddamn time I've talked.
No way, he said, still in disbelief. Could be having this conversation.
You're the main character. And I talk to myself the whole time.
Find me a place where I'm in quotes. Larry teased his nipple with the tip of the razor.
(30:00):
What's that, smart guy? Can't find one? Didn't think so. Now how about some goddamn fingers?
Robert found the perfect spot to add the details. When he looked up from the
computer, Larry flexed his fingers around the razor, the muscles rippling through his forearm.
And my name. What the fuck is up with that? Lawrence. Larry.
(30:24):
That's some gay shit. I need something tougher than that.
Robert sighed. I gave you a good name. You're a regular guy.
Your co-workers, your wife, your friends. They don't know you're a sadistic prick.
You need a regular guy's name.
Larry tossed the razor into the air and caught it in his other hand.
(30:46):
I've never taken a life with my left. Don't make yours be the first.
What name do you want? You're the writer.
Robert didn't need to look up to know Larry was smirking.
The asshole loved this. He didn't care that Robert hurt so much he could barely think.
How about Jack or Derek?
(31:08):
How about no?
Damien, that's cool. Something like that. Robert shrugged and did a quick find and replace.
Real original, he mumbled, as he changed the name more than 300 times with the push of one button.
Now hurry up and fix the rest of me. Some decent ears will be nice.
(31:29):
Robert always hated critics. And Larry.
Damien was getting on his last nerve. He tried not to smile as he described
the necrotic ears barely attached to the man's skull. all. Hey, dickhead.
Robert ignored him and continued to type, giving Damien slanted eyes.
(31:49):
There's a fucking mirror right behind you. Fix this shit or I'm gonna fuck you up real bad.
What I did to Mary will seem like a Sunday school lesson compared to what I do to you.
And you know I can make you last as long as I want.
A shiver ripped through Robert's body. he had created a master of disaster, a doctor of pain.
(32:13):
Damien thrived on torture, keeping his victims alive and conscious for every single ounce of fun.
Robert deleted his last sentence and watched Damien's eyes and ears return to their former state.
He thought back to Mary's scene where Damien's actions had made her think he
would let her live if she satisfied him.
(32:34):
That possibility never entered Damien's mind.
He never let anyone live. He gave them false hope to make their anguish just
that much more beautiful. He wasn't gonna let Robert live.
As soon as he was finished, so was Robert.
Good job, Bobby boy. Now I'll be a real lady killer.
(32:55):
Robert set the laptop on the counter and pushed himself onto the toilet.
Gotta shit? I think you can hold it.
Mm, I'm trying to get comfortable. Robert put the computer back onto his lap.
He had a plan, and he hoped to hell it would work.
If it did, he'd escape with his life and his story.
(33:17):
Just hurry up. I got places to go and people to kill.
I'm sure you do, Robert said, as he positioned the cursor.
He erased the hand description and heard the razor clatter to the floor.
What the hell? Damien growled, unable to pick up the weapon with either hand.
As calm as possible, Robert said, wait a second, I'm trying to fix you up.
(33:41):
I've got to turn this in tomorrow and we need you in tip-top shape.
Hurry up, he said with a hint of nervousness in his voice. Not a problem.
Robert added a word to Damien's description.
Damien yelled, put the lights back on. What the fuck?
What the fuck'd you do? Robert exploded off the toilet and squeezed out the
(34:03):
doorway, putting as little weight as possible on his ruined foot.
He felt Damien reach for him, but the maniac's one finger wasn't strong enough to grab hold.
You asshole! I'm blind! He screamed as he shot out of the chair and lumbered after Robert.
Robert was opening the bedroom door when Damien got hold of him and slammed him into the wall.
(34:24):
Robert fell to the floor and wrapped his arms around Damien's legs trying to knock the man down.
Damien, who hadn't lost his skills as a collegiate wrestler,
sprawled and crushed Robert beneath him.
Keeping his weight pressed firmly against Robert's back, Damien said,
fix it, fix it now or I swear to God, I'll club you to death.
(34:45):
Don't think I can't. I could choke you out right now if I wanted to,
he said, as he slipped an arm around Robert's neck.
Give me back my fucking eyes.
The laptop's under me.
Damien used his free hand to feel for the computer. He slid to Robert's side,
keeping his arm around the man's throat.
(35:06):
Do it. Robert had one shot left, but it meant destroying an entire year's work.
He'd be throwing away more than just a huge paycheck and a lifetime worth of royalties.
He'd be destroying his baby, be a piece of himself.
But it had to be. It was the only way.
(35:26):
Damien tightened his grip. What the hell's taking so long?
I'm finding my spot. White spots danced in front of Robert's eyes.
He right-clicked the file and hit delete.
By the way, Damien, what were you going to carve on my stomach?
He gasped while the computer asked if he was really sure he wanted to delete
(35:47):
the file. Well, fix me, and maybe I won't.
Robert knew that the man would. The madman carved epithets on every victim.
He thought human flesh made a wonderful canvas, no better medium than a body.
But it wouldn't be Robert's body, not today.
Robert hit okay, and Larry's arm pulled away from his neck.
(36:12):
Robert took a breath and sat up. Larry was standing, looking down at him.
His mouth was missing, and and the razor had magically found its way into the lump of his right hand.
The file was still sitting in the recycle bin. Robert lifted the laptop into
the air and brought it crashing down onto the floor. The computer was in pieces.
(36:35):
The file was gone. Larry destroyed.
But he wasn't. Larry didn't have a mouth.
And his eyes didn't show any emotion. motion, but Robert knew the bastard was smiling.
In the lump of his right hand was the razor.
In his other hand, pinched between his one finger and palm, was Robert's yellow backup flash drive.
(37:03):
Music.
Welcome to Vicious Whispers with Mark Tullius, your source for horror,
sci-fi, suspense, and all things violent.
(00:30):
Is actually, I shouldn't say fucked, let's say screwed.
No, let's not say that either because I'm going to repair it.
So my brain isn't in the ideal place.
I went to the Amen Clinic. I wrote about them in TBI or CTE.
Dr. Amen is one of the leading brain health specialists in the world.
Loved his books. I talked about his book. I talked about the studies he did on cannabis.
(00:53):
And I also said I wasn't going to listen to him because I felt like I needed cannabis.
I thought It probably wasn't that bad. Yes, it ages the brain more than alcohol.
But I was like, fuck it because I need it.
That's just been my attitude. But I had been having a couple of depressive episodes.
Those could be kind of scary. Depression, rage. It's just a lot of anxiety,
(01:16):
a lot of hard time controlling emotions.
So it's like, no, I don't want that to happen anymore. I need to take a look at my brain.
I've already spent so much money and time looking at it. So I was a little hesitant to do that.
But yeah i i realized i owed it
to my family that's something that really stuck with me in
my book tbi or cte spent a lot of time talking about
(01:36):
my friend michael poorman who i played football with at brown university spent
time with his family before he died he was dying of i believe leukemia and it's
because he couldn't fight it because of his brain health issue but one of the
conversations i had in his kitchen with michael wasn't there but three of my
other friends from brown were
there we were talking about problems i was informing them letting them
know kind of like what the deal is and you know some of
(01:57):
the concerns and they were kind of scared like someone
was saying like i think i'd rather not know blah blah blah and michael's
wife sarah said hey you guys owe it to your families or to yourself but also
owe it to your families to you know take care of this to get it looked at and
so that was one of the things i was thinking about when i signed up for the
amen clinic my wife my niece they've had great results there so i was I was
(02:20):
like, okay, I'll go and do it.
Absolutely loved everyone there. All the testing was awesome.
Everyone I talked to was awesome.
Went in and did the spec scans, which is looking at the blood volume in different
areas of the brain and also brain activity.
Now, it's time to meet the psychiatrist. It's a Zoom call, and he seems pretty concerned.
(02:41):
He doesn't want to give me the news. And so it's pretty much me.
I was like, dude, I'm already expecting it's not going to look good.
I've seen the scans of people with four years of cannabis use,
and I've had 36 with maybe at most six months off in that whole time period.
Not a lot of time off. and my use is heavy
(03:04):
it could be you know i don't know fuck it's a
pretty heavy usage anyhow because my
tolerance is crazy it's not like i'm walking around feeling high it's just cannabis
is what i had been using to lower you know the anxiety and then caffeine is
what i was using to increase my brain activity so you know kind of vicious cycle
(03:24):
both of those are negatives when taken in excess And especially if you have brain injuries,
which I've had a lot of.
And I probably still am getting one of his concerns was me doing jujitsu.
He's like, yeah, it's wonderful for your anger, anxiety, all that overall health.
But you're also taking some blows to the head. Sometimes you take an elbow.
(03:44):
I've blocked out a couple of times just real quick, but still don't really need
that today. I took a stomach hit the back of my head.
Thank God it was soft. But if they had come back hard, that would have been
awful. And I would have been upset about that.
But what are you going to do? So not ready to give up jujitsu.
But after talking with them, I decided, yeah.
(04:05):
And I had already had this thought going in. I was like, okay,
if it's not good news, then I will go ahead and start lowering my cannabis use. Not a big deal.
I've been the poster child for cannabis and love it and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
But I'm okay changing my stance. You know, I was like, okay,
I'm, I'm looking at this information, seeing the brain scans, not fun, but yeah.
(04:27):
So when he, he tells me, he's like, he's like, dude, he's like,
I've been looking at brain scans for 20 years and this is not good.
He's like, we're the same age and this is not good.
So yeah, that's what I was dealing with. And, but he's very surprised at just
how well my cognition is all my ability to think.
Awesome. It's emotional regulation. That is a big problem.
(04:48):
Problem and as far as the cognition goes and the
front of my brain being in such great shape he was
surprised by that i was like oh i'm not surprised because i did all that neurofeedback i
did a ton of neurofeedback that's the area that we worked on we
worked on my sleep all that has been so beneficial and he said yeah because
the neurofeedback is one of the things that he recommended that i continue to
do so i will be picking that up also hyperbaric oxygen chamber i've already
(05:12):
started that so i told him i was like whatever you guys recommend i'm doing
so cutting out cannabis the The last couple of days,
I had barely any, he didn't want me to stop cold turkey, but I just don't need it.
So yeah, just small amounts at night, just to chill a little bit.
We'll see. I'm pretty sure that's going to continue. They got me on this medication.
Gabba's supposed to help lower anxiety, not feeling the best with it.
(05:35):
I just sent them a message saying, hey, this is what's going on.
Having a little bit of trouble concentrating.
That alone is enough for me. Like I need to write.
I need to be able to think. I need to be able to sit at my computer and do my
stuff. And my anxiety isn't that bad. I'm able to deal with it about so much.
You know, I was telling him, I was like, I'm very reflective.
I have an incredible support system. I have my wife. I have my family. I have my friends.
(05:58):
I have so many readers that reach out to me that, you know, I have messages back and forth with.
So that's awesome. I have jujitsu. I have my jujitsu team.
Today, I think there were probably over 10 people with the Try Not To Die rash
guards for Try Not To Die Fridays.
So that's pretty amazing.
So all that is wonderful. yeah we'll see whether or
(06:19):
not i continue this medication whether or not it's going to help that much
it's a really low dose but i also don't like now it's
causing a little bit of trembling in my hands i was like i don't want
motherfuckers thinking i'm scared and what else is there but
oh and the sleep has been terrible but again that
might be because of the the decrease in the
cannabis so today i was up at three pretty much
(06:39):
from three o'clock on i was up this morning i was answering emails by
3 30 but i got a lot of stuff done getting my
german books in order just brought on another trying
not to die third co-author that's going to
be awesome i don't know if i talked about last time but
we also have man i i have way too
many trying to have to dies but i fucking love
(07:00):
it i love how excited these people are getting about it
they love the idea and that's the
kind of motivation i was like there's no there's no
shortage of motivation for me to stay positive
to keep moving to keep creating to do all that and that's one of the things
i make sure to tell my co-authors you know before we sign a contract like hey
you're gonna see that you know if you see my post or whatever else you might
(07:24):
be a little bit worried like oh this motherfucker's got cte he's gonna go out
in a bad way and blah blah blah blah no i'm not so i've already made.
That commitment that's not happening i'm doing great the amen
clinic scans would just to make sure you know it's like 90 95
of the time i'm fucking cool yeah maybe my anxiety is a little bit high but
i deal with it or i avoid areas that are going to make it worse you know it's
(07:47):
just that five percent that i do not want to risk i don't want to fall back
into any depressive type episodes rage episodes these are my shit type episodes
so there is that but yeah so feeling good.
What else? I already started the hyperbaric oxygen chamber, doing a soft chamber
instead of a hard chamber.
It's a little easier on you. It's not as intense.
(08:10):
You have to go more times, but that's okay. So I have to drive all the way to
Costa Mesa for that, which is like an hour in traffic.
But what's super cool is it is like
five minutes away from 10th planet costa mesa
where coach was who i train train with
in the mornings he also teaches over there at 11 so now
instead of waking up at 6 a.m i just go to costa mesa this week i did it twice
(08:34):
and then friday at whittier next week i have three sessions in costa mesa so
i will hit those three classes and then i'll do one or two days in whittier
depending on how my body feels but definitely on fridays because that's fun.
Yeah, today was just a brutal workout, the hardest workout we've done this whole
year, at least with Coach Wes, but I loved it.
And now, in about an hour, he'll be over, maybe less than an hour,
(08:57):
and we will be working on our tournament of, I don't know what it's called, maybe death.
I don't know. We're going to come up with a perfect name for it.
We're also designing a cool-ass rash guard.
Today, I just put out something asking for an artist that can create all,
I don't know, 8 to 16 characters. We're going to make some cool cards with them, all that kind of stuff.
So a lot of fun stuff ahead of me. I really look forward to Fridays,
(09:21):
being able to create like that, being able to hang out.
And it's also an extra huge bonus that Jake loves Coach Wes,
and that makes him excited to come home from school.
So what else do we got going on? So we got my brain damage. Oh,
Emily Haynes was asking about what do we do for our brain, you know, to help him.
And this is, you know, this has always been kind of hard for me.
(09:41):
And he's like, man, I'm incredibly fortunate that I'm able to do these things.
Sometimes I don't even like talking about it. I was like, fuck,
man, I know there's so many people that can't. They can't afford to do it.
And maybe they don't even know about these options. But it could get pricey.
But the things that have been helping my cognition, in addition to the neurofeedback,
of course, that helped probably the most. But it's because I play guitar.
(10:04):
I don't play guitar every day, but I started picking that up again.
That works the brain. Do Duolingo every single day. I've been doing that for
the last almost 700 days.
And before that, it was like a short break and another 300 days.
So that's something that I'm doing constantly.
Every day, I'm also listening to German heavy metal. So I can process that and
(10:24):
try to work on it a little bit. So trying to work the brain in different ways.
And I think that has been definitely a huge help for me. Something I encourage.
Yeah, learning music, learning languages.
Those are things that are great for you.
So what else is there? And jiu-jitsu. Jiu-jitsu is also wonderful because you
have to really think about these moves.
You're always thinking. You're always trying to figure something out.
(10:47):
That's one of the reasons why I like it so much.
Jiu-jitsu at Costa Mesa is a little bit different than jiu-jitsu at Whittier
because the guys at Costa Mesa are more advanced.
They've been doing it longer. There are higher belts there, and there are some
very good higher belts. I was getting smashed by Andre.
And again, it's awesome. I love that. I love the challenge.
(11:09):
I don't have to win every round. I don't want to win every round.
I want to go against guys that are going to beat me so I can train really hard
to try to get them or so they don't get me as often. And there's also a brown
belt there, Mike, that was incredible.
So being able to train with those guys, plus I know there's so many more over
there that I'll get to meet and work with.
That's very cool. You know, in Whittier, I'm the brown belt.
(11:32):
I'm with a bigger fish in a small pond over in Costa Mesa.
Yeah, I, I'm going to work my way up there.
So again, and I'm older, so I don't have to be that great.
That's what, that's, what's kind of nice too. He was like, yeah,
I'm a brown belt, but I'm also kind of fucking broken.
And I took off so long. So I'm getting
(11:52):
back into it. And I'm a newer brown belt. So I got tons of excuses.
And I use them like crazy because, yeah, it's not fun getting tapped. But or it could be.
It's all on your attitude. So I'm excited about that. I'm excited about training
with Coach Wes over there and then over here on Whittier.
So having the two different gyms, that's pretty cool. Not going to worry about
(12:14):
traffic. I'm not going to worry about the drive.
I will use that time to talk to friends or listen to podcasts in different languages
or whatever it is. So I'll be productive in that time.
One of the cool things about doing the hyperbaric is you can bring your right.
I brought my writing in. So I'm editing, trying to study in our cranium while getting this oxygen.
(12:36):
You know, I have to be in there for an hour. So I was like, shit, a very productive hour.
That's awesome. I love it. I could have brought my phone in too, but I was like,
no, i'm gonna leave my phone outside she was surprised by this because i believe
most people probably take their phone in i was like no i wanna i wanna write
i wanna concentrate and then just meditate and relax so that was super good
i'm 80 pages into trying to die in our cranium just the first read through and
(13:00):
light edit then i'll have to go in for the heavy edit and that will take a while.
But that one's cool. That one would be nice to get done. Also just finished
trying to die in a dark fairy tale, went over PW foits.
He was the editor on that one and went over all his changes.
He did an amazing job, but I fucking love what he did with it.
He addressed all my concerns, found out, found other stuff to fix up.
(13:22):
Evan's going through those changes. Now he's going to add to it. He'll give it back to me.
I'll make my changes. Then I will give it to Lindsay Smith for the final edit.
And then we'll have that out. That should be out by June 4th.
Slash tag, trying not to die on slash tag. Paperback is out now.
I do not have the real copy.
This one still has a bullshit streak, not for resale, but those copies will be in on Wednesday.
(13:45):
If you've ordered it on Amazon, you probably got your real copy before I got mine.
I think that's bullshit, but whatever.
I'll let it slide this time, but I'm excited about getting those copies.
Also excited about taking John all of the cool things we got. We got, we got coasters.
We have trying not to die. I dyed on slash tag pins.
We have some I dyed on slash tag stickers. We have all kinds of cool shit.
(14:08):
Made a bunch of new bookmarks and stuff.
And this is all through Sticker Mule, who I love. And they also put a huge Try
Not To Die sign up on my wall.
So every time I walk in here, that's what I see. Gets me pumped up. That's all I need.
Yeah, looks just like this guy on my chest. I have to go back in two weeks to
probably about two weeks or so to get him finished up.
I have to do more color on my chest on the tattoo. to. And then I'm also going
(14:31):
to fix up the same artist who did Death Fest.
And so he's going to fix that one up to just put, you know, saturate the color and all that.
So all kinds of exciting shit.
Two of the things I want to do real quick before Wes gets here,
all my books, just about all my books are wide and I'm going to be selling them direct as well.
And the direct ones will be probably about half the price of what you're going
(14:54):
to spend on Amazon or Barnes and Noble,
apple liberal if you do buy
books on apple and all those other platforms that
would be amazing if you could pick it up or and leave a
review if you read it before that'd be amazing to
leave reviews because i have zero reviews on all my books on every platform
except for amazon just about because i've been on amazon forever because it's
(15:17):
easy and i'm all about easy but over the last month or two months or however
long i've slowly been making changes in the books slowly been
transferring them over this next step is getting them up
for direct so everyone could get them really cheap i think
the first five try not to dies plus number eight
are now wide or in the process of going
(15:37):
wide and yeah all that will be up on
my website hopefully in a week yeah that's that should
be what happens releasing trying to die at death fest and death fest confessions
next week in german so have the covers have everything done that's awesome got
the cover for trying to not to die in Brownsville with Jay Bauer that's going
(15:57):
on and yeah just crazy how big try not to die is getting.
Oh, also yesterday, I just happened to see Jay Bauer saw a post of his about
going to AuthorCon 4 in St. Louis.
There are only so many more tables left. So I said, you know what?
Fuck it. Let's do it. I didn't talk to my wife because I also saw there was
(16:19):
a cancellation policy if I need to.
I was like, fuck it. I'm just going to get a table and go for it.
So that makes four different events I will be going to this year.
That also says a lot about where I am as far as anxiety.
I don't know. know i used to get anxiety about those kinds of things but man
after especially after going to germany and doing the book
mesa that's the biggest one in the world fucking loved
(16:40):
it non-stop not like i didn't stop talking to people the entire day one day
i didn't even leave my booth and it was incredible so and that's speaking german
half the time so i'm cool with doing these things i'm excited to be meeting
all these different readers and all these different authors this would be my
first time meeting some of these co-authors of mine in person.
(17:01):
So I know Duncan Ralston will be at Books and Brew in Chicago.
We're hitting that one. I think that's August 3rd. Doing one in Knoxville,
Tennessee sometime in September.
Also doing, I think, I forget the dates, but I'm also doing one in Connecticut.
The week before Chicago and then AuthorCon, I think, is October 4th.
So very busy. I don't know who will be with me. The whole family will be going to the Chicago one.
(17:25):
My son will be going with me to the Connecticut one.
Him and my buddy's friend, Luca, are actually going to be doing a little jiu-jitsu demonstration.
So that will be a lot of fun talking about TBI, talking about jiu-jitsu for
domestic abuse victims.
Last thing I want to talk about, I recently just put up something about barter
for a book. Like send me your art.
(17:46):
If you want to send me a piece of art, personal art in exchange for a signed
book, if you live in the U S that is amazing.
I do have one going out to someone special in Australia.
That's a special thing because it costs a lot of money, but she's also sending
me something too. So that's pretty cool.
It's just, I never have anything to look forward to, right? I'm the one always
sending books and I get nothing in return.
(18:07):
All I get here are bills, which I don't even really look at.
My wife handles all that, but it'd be nice to get stuff. I did receive a package
from Emily Haynes. She was the first person to do this. She's been so supportive.
Always the nicest messages, always sharing, always reviewing. Just super cool.
And yeah, her family sent us some really cool stuff, some really cool 3D printed pieces.
(18:32):
Her son sent me a piece of art that's up on my wall.
That's what I'll be doing with all of them. Because again, man,
this is what it's all about.
It's all about the connections. I just want to be a positive person,
making a positive impact on other people, letting them know how much they affect me as well.
A lot of people think that they're not shit, you know.
Some people put authors on a pedestal, too. So, like, you know,
(18:54):
they're surprised if I even write back to them. I'm like, this is a regular fucking person.
So, it's always really cool to be like, yeah, you know what,
maybe I did brighten your day with a message or whatever else.
I was like, but your message did that same exact thing to me,
you know. We're all people.
We all have those types of emotions. And so, yeah, whoever you are,
you can turn someone's day around just by doing something positive for them,
(19:15):
saying something nice, smiling at them. Fuck, who knows what it is.
But enough with all this happy shit, right? I got to go. I'm going to leave
you guys with a horror story. I don't know which one. It's going to be a surprise.
I think we do something off of Untold Mayhem, but we shall see.
We'll see how I feel when I edit this later tonight and share it in the newsletter tomorrow.
(19:37):
All right, guys. Thank you so much for listening. I really appreciate it.
Hope you have an amazing week, and I will talk to you later. Peace.
Music.
Left Unfinished A soft scraping sound pulled Robert from his nightmare a little after 3 a.m.
(20:01):
If he was lucky, he would catch a few more hours of sleep before the long day ahead.
The novel had to be in Marty's hands by 8 that night, and Robert wanted to proofread it one last time.
Robert closed his eyes and pulled the comforter to his chin.
The metallic scraping returned, louder and longer this time.
(20:23):
It sounded as if it were coming from inside the house, from inside his room.
The silhouette of a man appeared at the foot of his bed, a very large man.
And the man was drawing something across the metal crossbar,
just inches from his feet.
This was still a nightmare. Everything seemed so real, but Robert must have
(20:46):
fallen back to sleep without realizing it.
Either that, or he never woke the first time.
It was just a realistic dream.
Robert's eyes adjusted to the darkness, and he realized it was the same guy from his nightmare.
And he was dragging a straight-edge razor against the bed frame.
No one used those kinds of razors anymore.
(21:08):
Further evidence that this had to be a dream.
The scraping stopped, and the man grasped the bottom of the comforter and tossed it onto the floor.
The breeze from the open window blew across Robert's feet. If this were one
of his novels, the hero would whip out a gun.
Robert was too petrified to even move.
The man grabbed Robert's foot and held it against his side, brought the razor beside it.
(21:32):
Robert clapped his hands, and the bedroom lights flashed on. This couldn't be.
The man The man didn't have a face, at least not a real one.
Besides the black goatee and
flattened nose, the rest of the bald man's features were not fully formed.
The man's ears were large lumps with no real shape. His eyes were round and
(21:54):
black, but dull and void of life.
Instead of lips between the mustache and chin, there was only skin.
Wake, damn it, Robert screamed. Wake!
The man squeezed his ankle harder, murder, set the razor against the top of Robert's foot.
Robert tried to yank his foot back, but the mouthless man had it in a vice grip.
(22:15):
The razor bit into the top of his foot, slicing through the skin and veins, riding across the bone.
The pain was so clear and brilliant, Robert rifled his free foot on the man's
hand, knocking it away, but not freeing the razor.
The bald giant held up a fist. A mass of flesh fused around the razor's handle.
(22:35):
No thumb, no fingers, no knuckles.
It was the right size and color of a fist, but it lacked all detail,
unlike the shiny razor, which was identical to the weapon wielded by the villain from Robert's novel.
Robert continued to fight, but even with the blood lubricating his ankle, he couldn't pull free.
Red hot pain ripped through his foot as the bastard tore open another gash.
(23:00):
The creature's face couldn't show emotion, but Robert knew the son of a bitch loved every second.
The man finally let Robert's leg fall.
Robert had never experienced such pain. Part of him wanted to die, to surrender.
But then he noticed the attacker's left hand. It had only one finger, the ring finger.
(23:22):
And it had an intricately designed titanium wedding ring wrapped around it.
He had a very bad feeling he knew what was inscribed inside it.
Looking the killer in his blank eyes, Robert said, Larry, with this ring, I give you my soul.
Forever yours, Veronica.
(23:46):
The man nodded, and if he'd had lips, Robert was sure they would have spread in a grin.
Jesus Christ, it couldn't be Larry. Larry didn't exist, but neither did people
who were missing mouths.
The man pulled the black turtleneck over his shaved head.
(24:06):
The south side slasher always killed with his shirt off.
He loved the feel of warm blood spraying onto his skin. and there they were, his tattoos.
The snake wrapped around his left arm and the demonic skull on his right.
Robert had drawn those tattoos himself and here they were in the flesh.
(24:27):
The sleeve of the turtleneck got caught on the fist with the razor in it.
Robert slid off the bed, nearly passing out from the pain when his injured foot hit the floor.
Hopping on his good foot, Robert reached the bathroom as a muffled scream came
from behind. He glanced over his shoulder and saw Larry tear the turtleneck
in half as he howled, the skin covering his mouth muting the sound.
(24:50):
Robert slammed the door closed behind him and threw the lock a second before Larry crashed into it.
Robert slid down against the door and grabbed the towels lying on the floor.
He had already lost a lot of blood and couldn't last much longer if he kept gushing.
With the handle rattling back and forth above his head, Robert made a quick
tourniquet with one towel and wrapped two others around his wounds.
(25:12):
He needed to get to a hospital.
The handle stopped turning, and heavy footsteps left the room.
There was only one door in the bathroom, and Robert couldn't fit through the
sliver of a window, even if he had been a hundred pounds lighter.
He was stuck in here, and his cell phone was beside the bed.
The closest neighbor was over a block away.
(25:35):
He was screwed. Rude. With his ear to the door, Robert could hear noise coming from one of the rooms.
He had hoped against hope that Larry was leaving, but he knew better than that.
He knew Larry better than anyone did.
The sky was the definition of evil.
When Robert had created the serial killer, he had worried the character wouldn't be believable.
(25:58):
Sure, there were psychos and sociopaths that did some really outrageous shit,
But Larry lived to take lives.
He loved inflicting pain. Robert had been afraid he had made the guy too sadistic, too over the top.
But his agent convinced him it would sell.
Larry would make a figurative killing.
(26:18):
There was a loud grunt and the thump of footsteps heading toward the bedroom.
He must have found something to open the door. What could Robert do?
He had no weapons in here. He couldn't get away. He was helpless.
Why was Larry after him in the first place?
Robert had created the maniac. He had given him life.
(26:40):
Larry survived at the end of the novel. There was the possibility of a sequel.
Why would he come after his creator? and why was he deformed?
The footsteps stopped outside the door. Robert held his breath and waited.
A thundering kick slammed into the door, knocking Robert toward the toilet.
(27:00):
The door bounced off the bathroom wall and back into the frame.
The door thrust open. Larry stepped into the bathroom and set Robert's laptop at his feet.
On his way out of the bathroom, Larry ripped the bathroom door off its hinges
and threw it onto the bed.
He grabbed the chair at the desk and plopped down on it outside the bathroom.
The only reason Larry wouldn't kill someone would be because he wanted something.
(27:24):
He wanted something from Robert and it had something to do with the book.
Robert turned on the computer and opened the document, trying to block out the
mind-numbing pain and concentrate on the story.
What was there not to be happy with? Larry didn't die.
He satisfied every vile urge he felt, four times alone in one chapter.
(27:46):
The ladies found him attractive and charming.
Attractive? This guy wasn't attractive.
Robert looked up and studied Larry. He could be attractive, if he weren't missing
parts, if he weren't deformed.
That was it. It wasn't that Larry was deformed. He wasn't described.
(28:10):
Robert had thought he had described him to a T, but looking back,
he realized he may have rushed over some difficult spots and cut a few corners.
Description had never been a strong point. Unless, of course,
he was describing a maggot-infested wound or the slow-motion bludgeoning of an old woman.
(28:31):
Flowery descriptions were for the literary novelists. They could spend pages
describing someone's eyes.
He would mention the blonde's eyes were blue and rush to the good part where
she was being ravaged by the madman. You want to be whole?
Larry grunted with a nod. Robert searched for the first mention of the maniac.
(28:52):
I guess step one should be give you a mouth.
There was a weak paragraph where Robert added a short sentence describing Larry's
razor-thin lips that complimented his sharp tongue.
God damn it, Bobby. It's about fucking time, he said in a girlish whisper.
Robert stared at the hulking beast. Facts, Dad, Larry shrieked.
(29:15):
Robert rushed to Larry's first kill and began typing.
He'd always pictured the man with a rough, gravelly voice.
Let's see, Larry growled. Much better, much better, Bobby boy.
It's Robert. Robert? Larry pointed the bloody razor at him. It's whatever the
fuck I decided is, Bobby boy.
(29:37):
Sorry. Should be. You know this is the first goddamn time I've talked.
No way, he said, still in disbelief. Could be having this conversation.
You're the main character. And I talk to myself the whole time.
Find me a place where I'm in quotes. Larry teased his nipple with the tip of the razor.
(30:00):
What's that, smart guy? Can't find one? Didn't think so. Now how about some goddamn fingers?
Robert found the perfect spot to add the details. When he looked up from the
computer, Larry flexed his fingers around the razor, the muscles rippling through his forearm.
And my name. What the fuck is up with that? Lawrence. Larry.
(30:24):
That's some gay shit. I need something tougher than that.
Robert sighed. I gave you a good name. You're a regular guy.
Your co-workers, your wife, your friends. They don't know you're a sadistic prick.
You need a regular guy's name.
Larry tossed the razor into the air and caught it in his other hand.
(30:46):
I've never taken a life with my left. Don't make yours be the first.
What name do you want? You're the writer.
Robert didn't need to look up to know Larry was smirking.
The asshole loved this. He didn't care that Robert hurt so much he could barely think.
How about Jack or Derek?
(31:08):
How about no?
Damien, that's cool. Something like that. Robert shrugged and did a quick find and replace.
Real original, he mumbled, as he changed the name more than 300 times with the push of one button.
Now hurry up and fix the rest of me. Some decent ears will be nice.
(31:29):
Robert always hated critics. And Larry.
Damien was getting on his last nerve. He tried not to smile as he described
the necrotic ears barely attached to the man's skull. all. Hey, dickhead.
Robert ignored him and continued to type, giving Damien slanted eyes.
(31:49):
There's a fucking mirror right behind you. Fix this shit or I'm gonna fuck you up real bad.
What I did to Mary will seem like a Sunday school lesson compared to what I do to you.
And you know I can make you last as long as I want.
A shiver ripped through Robert's body. he had created a master of disaster, a doctor of pain.
(32:13):
Damien thrived on torture, keeping his victims alive and conscious for every single ounce of fun.
Robert deleted his last sentence and watched Damien's eyes and ears return to their former state.
He thought back to Mary's scene where Damien's actions had made her think he
would let her live if she satisfied him.
(32:34):
That possibility never entered Damien's mind.
He never let anyone live. He gave them false hope to make their anguish just
that much more beautiful. He wasn't gonna let Robert live.
As soon as he was finished, so was Robert.
Good job, Bobby boy. Now I'll be a real lady killer.
(32:55):
Robert set the laptop on the counter and pushed himself onto the toilet.
Gotta shit? I think you can hold it.
Mm, I'm trying to get comfortable. Robert put the computer back onto his lap.
He had a plan, and he hoped to hell it would work.
If it did, he'd escape with his life and his story.
(33:17):
Just hurry up. I got places to go and people to kill.
I'm sure you do, Robert said, as he positioned the cursor.
He erased the hand description and heard the razor clatter to the floor.
What the hell? Damien growled, unable to pick up the weapon with either hand.
As calm as possible, Robert said, wait a second, I'm trying to fix you up.
(33:41):
I've got to turn this in tomorrow and we need you in tip-top shape.
Hurry up, he said with a hint of nervousness in his voice. Not a problem.
Robert added a word to Damien's description.
Damien yelled, put the lights back on. What the fuck?
What the fuck'd you do? Robert exploded off the toilet and squeezed out the
(34:03):
doorway, putting as little weight as possible on his ruined foot.
He felt Damien reach for him, but the maniac's one finger wasn't strong enough to grab hold.
You asshole! I'm blind! He screamed as he shot out of the chair and lumbered after Robert.
Robert was opening the bedroom door when Damien got hold of him and slammed him into the wall.
(34:24):
Robert fell to the floor and wrapped his arms around Damien's legs trying to knock the man down.
Damien, who hadn't lost his skills as a collegiate wrestler,
sprawled and crushed Robert beneath him.
Keeping his weight pressed firmly against Robert's back, Damien said,
fix it, fix it now or I swear to God, I'll club you to death.
(34:45):
Don't think I can't. I could choke you out right now if I wanted to,
he said, as he slipped an arm around Robert's neck.
Give me back my fucking eyes.
The laptop's under me.
Damien used his free hand to feel for the computer. He slid to Robert's side,
keeping his arm around the man's throat.
(35:06):
Do it. Robert had one shot left, but it meant destroying an entire year's work.
He'd be throwing away more than just a huge paycheck and a lifetime worth of royalties.
He'd be destroying his baby, be a piece of himself.
But it had to be. It was the only way.
(35:26):
Damien tightened his grip. What the hell's taking so long?
I'm finding my spot. White spots danced in front of Robert's eyes.
He right-clicked the file and hit delete.
By the way, Damien, what were you going to carve on my stomach?
He gasped while the computer asked if he was really sure he wanted to delete
(35:47):
the file. Well, fix me, and maybe I won't.
Robert knew that the man would. The madman carved epithets on every victim.
He thought human flesh made a wonderful canvas, no better medium than a body.
But it wouldn't be Robert's body, not today.
Robert hit okay, and Larry's arm pulled away from his neck.
(36:12):
Robert took a breath and sat up. Larry was standing, looking down at him.
His mouth was missing, and and the razor had magically found its way into the lump of his right hand.
The file was still sitting in the recycle bin. Robert lifted the laptop into
the air and brought it crashing down onto the floor. The computer was in pieces.
(36:35):
The file was gone. Larry destroyed.
But he wasn't. Larry didn't have a mouth.
And his eyes didn't show any emotion. motion, but Robert knew the bastard was smiling.
In the lump of his right hand was the razor.
In his other hand, pinched between his one finger and palm, was Robert's yellow backup flash drive.
(37:03):
Music.
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