A Deeply Traumatic Experience - May 22nd 2024

May 22nd 2024

Yuriy explains why it's so hard to continue making this podcast.

Yuriy is considering ending the podcast and starting a new model. He wants to know what you think! Email him at [e-mail] to let him know what you think.

You can help Yuriy and his family by donating to his GoFundMe: https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-yuriys-family  

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Buy Yuriy a coffee here: https://bmc.link/yuriymat 

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TRANSCRIPT: (Apple Podcasts & Podbean app users can enjoy accurate closed captions)

  It's 22nd of May. 

I have to admit to you that every episode of this podcast is a deeply traumatic experience. Every time I write an episode, every time I record it, and every time I edit it, I relive all the horrible things I have to talk about. Every single damn time. It really hurts because I have to constantly remember things I wish had never happened. Remembering the deaths of friends, the captivity of those who served with me, with destruction, with pain, with tears, with countless people who can never be brought back, the time and the happiness stolen from us by the occupiers. 

It's very hard. And very painful. And also I do this in my free time. I don't get this time to distract myself from the pain and the war, but instead I dive back into them to make another episode. And each time it gets harder. A few months ago I gave up trying to make the podcast daily. I think I would have gone crazy if I had tried to keep it up that often. For a while it helped me a bit doing it once, maybe twice a week was easier than four or five times a week. 

But it turned out that it was not a solution. It's painful and hard and each time. I force myself to record the podcast. I don't really understand why should I continue to force myself to do it.  I used to feel that I was making at least some impact on the general opinion abroad, but now I realize that this impact is very small, barely noticeable, really. I used to be able to tell myself, yes, it's hard, but it's not in vain- thanks to the podcast, you can pay for your daughter's education and help your parents, but that has long ceased to be true. I am very, very grateful to those who still support me, but I have to admit that this money has not been enough for a long time. So I'm torturing myself almost for free. 

I'm very grateful to those who have sent me suggestions for improving the podcast. They are wonderful and interesting, but I just don't see a way to make them work in a way that fulfills any of the goals for which the podcast was started. I'm afraid I won't be able to make them generate income, maintain my skills as a journalist and be interested for foreign listeners. I'm sure that in any other situation, I would grab unto these suggestions and at least try to do something with them.

But now I'm very emotionally exhausted and simply unable to radically change the project. I am truly trying to save it. It is very dear to me, but it seems that I just don't have best strength for it. I'm so sorry. I really think only a miracle can save this project.  

Episode Transcript

(00:02):
It's 22nd of May.
I have to admit to you thatevery episode of this podcast is
a deeply traumatic experience.
Every time I write an episode,every time I record it, and every
time I edit it, I relive all thehorrible things I have to talk about.
Every single damn time.

(00:24):
It really hurts because I haveto constantly remember things
I wish had never happened.
Remembering the deaths of friends,the captivity of those who served with
me, with destruction, with pain, withtears, with countless people who can
never be brought back, the time and thehappiness stolen from us by the occupiers.

(00:45):
It's very hard.
And very painful.
And also I do this in my free time.
I don't get this time to distractmyself from the pain and the
war, but instead I dive back intothem to make another episode.
And each time it gets harder.
A few months ago I gave uptrying to make the podcast daily.

(01:09):
I think I would have gone crazy if Ihad tried to keep it up that often.
For a while it helped me a bit doingit once, maybe twice a week was
easier than four or five times a week.
But it turned out thatit was not a solution.
It's painful and hard and each time.

(01:30):
I force myself to record the podcast.
I don't really understand why shouldI continue to force myself to do it.
I used to feel that I was making at leastsome impact on the general opinion abroad,
but now I realize that this impact isvery small, barely noticeable, really.

(01:52):
I used to be able to tell myself,yes, it's hard, but it's not
in vain- thanks to the podcast,you can pay for your daughter's
education and help your parents,but that has long ceased to be true.
I am very, very grateful to thosewho still support me, but I have
to admit that this money hasnot been enough for a long time.

(02:14):
So I'm torturing myself almost for free.
I'm very grateful to those who have sentme suggestions for improving the podcast.
They are wonderful and interesting,but I just don't see a way to make them
work in a way that fulfills any of thegoals for which the podcast was started.
I'm afraid I won't be able to makethem generate income, maintain

(02:37):
my skills as a journalist and beinterested for foreign listeners.
I'm sure that in any other situation,I would grab unto these suggestions and
at least try to do something with them.
But now I'm very emotionallyexhausted and simply unable to
radically change the project.
I am truly trying to save it.

(02:58):
It is very dear to me, but it seems thatI just don't have best strength for it.
I'm so sorry.
I really think only a miraclecan save this project.