July 5, 2022 • 38 mins
In this episode, I speak to relationship coach, Naomi Stonier, about why home selling can be a tricky time for relationships, and how we can make changes to ensure that our relationships thrive.
Naomi explains how different people have different reactions to stressful situations, why we shouldn’t make decisions from a place of fear, and the power of changing your own attitude.
Find more from Naomi at her website www.plumocoaching.com
If you're selling your home and using any of the hints and tips from today, don’t forget to share using the hashtag #HappyHomeSale
Find out more about Natalie Evans
Follow me on social media @natalieevansuk
Or visit my websites www.natalieevansuk.com or www.littlebarndoor.uk
This podcast was produced by our friends at Emily Crosby Media
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Natalie Evans (00:03):
Welcome to the Happy Home Sale podcast with me,
Natalie Evans. In this weeklypodcast, I speak to homeowners
and experts from differentindustries, to share real life
stories, and inspiring advice toshow you how you can make your
home selling journey one ofbliss, happiness, joy, and
(00:23):
staggering success.
Today's podcast is all aboutrelationships, and how to
maintain a positive relationshipwith those around you, and those
who are central to your homeselling story to create a
harmonious home sale. We hear sooften about the stresses,
(00:46):
pressure and anxieties thatarise from the process and
structure required when buyingor selling a home. But most of
the time, the problem doesn'tsit with the tasks, but with the
relationships and communicationbehind the journey. Who better
to join me today, then expertRelationship Coach Naomi
Stornier. Naomi is a firmbeliever that when your
(01:09):
relationships are thriving, youhold the keys to success,
happiness and fulfilment. I knowthat she has some amazing advice
to share with you today on howyou can use the tools that she
shares with her clients, toenhance your relationships,
transform your conversations andbring greater joy to your home
(01:30):
sale.
Hi, Naomi, how are you doing?
Naomi Stonier (01:41):
Hello, I'm doing well. Thank you for having me
on.
Natalie Evans (01:46):
Thank you so much for being on the podcast, it's
been a little while.
Naomi Stonier (01:49):
Yes, you've been my favourite person for a long
time since our journey together.Oh, I love that. I love that so
much. Because we met atnetworking, yes. And then
immediately connected, becauseat that time you were selling
your property. But also, I'vejust been obsessed with all of
your content since
Natalie Evans (02:09):
lovely to hear,
Oh, you just offer so much valueto people wanting to improve
their relationships. And it'sreally kind of opened my eyes,
to the number of things that areimpacted by the relationships
around us whether it'srelationship with time
relationship and connections,relationships and communication.
It's so so valuable. And I justknew that I had to get you on
(02:30):
the podcast. Because on top ofbeing an expert of
relationships, you have sold aproperty recently, and you are
in the motions of buying
Naomi Stonier (02:40):
thanks to you.
Natalie Evans (02:41):
Oh, well, I am so proud to have been part of your
journey for those who don'tknow. So when I first met Naomi
through networking, she came tome and said, I am selling my
house and I need your help froma home staging perspective. And
I was so proud to come and workwith you get your property
staged and get it sold.
Naomi Stonier (03:00):
It's funny, isn't it because, you know,
relationship coaching and homestaging, you don't think
there's, there's kind of itdoesn't it's not an obvious
connection. But I have learnedso much about my relationship
through buying and sellinghouses. Because we know it's one
of the most stressful things wecan do. So of course, all the
(03:23):
murky stuff, in ourselves andour relationships comes up in
these moments of stress. So youlearn through coaching,
everything becomes anopportunity to practice. And so
every home sale we've had hasbeen a beautiful opportunity to
practice coming together in verystressful times instead of
(03:44):
turning on each other. So we'veyou know, this is a path I've
walked myself, we've had verydifficult house sales, you know,
selling in London is not easy.Selling anywhere isn't easy, but
London's a little special case,of when things go wrong turning
on each other. And this erodestrust, and going on the
(04:05):
beautiful journey to switchinginto support and compassion for
each other in really difficultmoments. When it feels like it's
all gonna fall apart. And that'show you create trust. And that's
how you create strong, longlasting relationships - do you
turn on each other in moments ofstress? Or do you turn towards
(04:27):
each other and love and supporteach other in all moments?
Natalie Evans (04:32):
Yeah, you are so right. Because I think when we
go into these big life events,whether it's selling your house,
getting a new job, whatever itis, we become quite insular. And
we try and protect ourselves,understand our vision,
understand what we're doing, andforget that actually, this
journey is impacting so manypeople around us and not
everybody has the same opinionor is in the same place. As you
(04:55):
may be. You might have you know,meditated on it and be in a
beautiful state. states and Iknow where you want to go, that
actually, if your husband oryour children or your brothers
and sisters who could beinvolved in yourself, if they're
not in that same place, it's adifficult starting place to be.
Naomi Stonier (05:14):
Well, we all go to certain places, in difficult
moments, this, these momentsbring up a huge amount of fear.
So we'll go to we'll all have adefault place that our brain
takes us to to create safety.And so this is a path I've
walked myself. So I'll just usemy own example. For me, when the
(05:38):
uncertainty comes up of whereare we going to live all the
money? What what how is thisgoing to play out, it's very
uncertain, it's veryuncomfortable for our brains.
And I'll go, my default placewas to go to control, you start
over functioning, for theillusion of control, this
happens to a lot of women, we,we start to over function, we
(06:02):
started to do do do do do, it'sa form of emotional management.
So the really unpleasantemotions here, this is a roller
coaster ride. And for me, I'd goto over functioning to get which
gives me the illusion ofcontrol. If I do everything, I
will be able to control this. Itis not true. And for many men,
(06:27):
and you know, we have to becareful about our social
conditioning around this. Butfor my husband, certainly, it
would go to avoidance, sofeminine energy fills and sees
everything. So we often go intoover functioning, and masculine
energy is very good atcompartmentalising, putting it
in a box, and shutting it off.So that goes to retreat, and
(06:49):
avoiding and masculine energy isvery good at just when it gets
too much to switching off fromit. And we are 'what the hell?'
you know, we think they don'tcare, we think that they're not
bothered. And so
Natalie Evans (07:02):
I've been there so many times with my husband,
especially, in not just sellingand buying a house, but in kind
of other areas of life wherewe've kind of been, yeah, I've
gone like, Are you notinterested? Do you not want this
as much as me? are, you know,why aren't you
Naomi Stonier (07:19):
we make it mean, there's something wrong with our
relationships, we make, feminineenergy, and this can apply to
same sex couples, because weneed we have must have masculine
feminine energy in ourrelationships two masculinity
are going to have probably quitea lot of conflict two feminines,
you're gonna have a greatfriendship, but you might not
have much passion. And so it's agood thing that we have this
(07:42):
battle. But when we learn tounderstand it, then that's how
we flourish. So we make it meanthat there's something wrong
with the relationship when theyshut off and they switch off.
Yeah, we make it mean, there'ssomething wrong. And we, and
they make and when we go intoover functioning, they make that
mean, something's wrong. Andthey're like, 'What? what's this
(08:04):
crazy behaviour?'
Natalie Evans (08:05):
So to us, kind of, if we're in that situation,
where you've got two people whoare reacting very different to
being in this kind of lifechange, we see it as not being
aligned, not wanting the samething. But actually, we could
want exactly the same thing.We're just reacting to it
differently. So with that inmind, how can we identify that
everybody is even happy with theidea of selling their house to
(08:29):
start with? So if you're in ahome where you've got kind of
mom, dad, two children, youcould have four people who are
in very different mindsets ofeven what they want to achieve.
What would be yourrecommendation as a kind of
relationship coach and expert,to be able to really draw out of
them, whether they even want tosell and what they want to do?
Naomi Stonier (08:52):
Yeah. Well, one of the keys to a flourishing,
thriving relationship is aligneddreams. You don't have to be the
same people. But you do have towant the same things. And so
back to the masculine andfeminine energy, when we're not
making each other wrong. Yeah,when we're not making this mean,
(09:15):
there's something wrong with usand our relationship and maybe
are we even in the rightrelationship in the first place.
This is the fearful place ourbrains take us to, because our
relationships create so muchfear, they're the place we need
the most certainty, and they'rethe most fearful place. So being
able to hear what someone elsewants and needs without making
(09:39):
them wrong for it, is how youcan align your dreams. So when
masculine energy is not makingfeminine energy wrong for over
planning, over functioning,beautiful about the future or
the thing feminine energy does,and it hears and it's able to
not make you wrong for that.We're not blaming and shaming,
(10:02):
it's a superpower of feminineenergy being able to feel and
see everything. And then on thesame way, you know, masculine
energy will want to plan, itwill want to be very practical.
And it's like, oh, God, this isso boring, you know, feminine
energies usually feels a lotmore sort of adventurous and
risk taking, and masculineenergy will want to take its
(10:25):
time, be very practical, becertain. And again, it's a
superpower, it's reallyimportant to be able to put
emotion aside and be logical,but feminine energy can be like,
you know, come on, you know. Andso when you can meet in the
middle of these two superpowers,not making each other wrong, you
(10:49):
can hear what someone is saying.And you can negotiate, you can
compromise, we stop making eachother wrong for what we want, or
need, we hear each other, andthen we can align. And then one
person isn't going along withthe other, and then getting
annoyed down the line.
Natalie Evans (11:11):
Yeah, which you see happen in so many areas of
life. And I feel like actually,just listening to you, it feels
like there should be a reallysimple solution, which is just
sit down and have kind of theconversation so that you can
feel confident that actuallyyes, somebody else is reacting
in a different way. Butultimately, they want the same
(11:31):
thing, their vision is toachieve the home sell so that
they can move to their new home,and appreciate that not
everybody works in the same way.But by actually drawing on each
other's strengths, you're allgoing to get there in a
harmonious way,
Naomi Stonier (11:45):
One really crucial thing I do is I teach my
clients to stop problem solvingand shift into solution
creation. And we're familiarwith that in some sort of
business, you know, focus on thesolution. It's some sort of
business term. But what I helppeople understand is why we
problem solve, it's a survivaltactic. Its kept us alive as a
(12:11):
human race, to focus on theproblem and survive, because we
got a brain in our headsdesigned to keep us alive in the
wild. It's not designed for thismodern time. So you're
programmed to focus on theproblem. But also, like I
touched on before, it's a formof emotional management. If I
leap into action, and I'm doingdoing doing, problem solving,
(12:33):
it's the illusion of control.It's a survival tactic. And so
when you're able to not make itmean something about you, or
them, or the relationship,because one thing gets said,
boom, we're in this trigger,woof, we react, it just happens,
we don't even realise it. And sosolution creation, is about
(12:57):
being able to experience strongemotions allow that to happen.
Not make it mean anything. Knowit's very normal for your brain
that's designed to keep youalive to survive, and not react
to it not leap into doingbecause then you end up solving
the wrong thing, doing the wrongthing, wasting your time wasting
(13:18):
your energy, and solutions thencome to you you're able to hear
what someone else is saying. Andyou're able to navigate through
what can be a highly emotionalexperience.
Natalie Evans (13:33):
Oh, absolutely. If people are kind of day one of
starting out the journey ofbuying or selling their home,
and they're already their brainsare filled with these terrifying
stories of like, Well, Mrs.Smith's home fell through and
Mr. Jones's property couldn'tsell and the chain is going to
be long and all these nightmarehorror stories that they they've
(13:54):
already got in their mind.They're starting from that place
of fear. And I am so passionateabout saying to people, do you
know what selling your home doesnot need to be the most
stressful time of your life,don't listen to those stories.
But if you are kind of steppinginto those stories, you've
already got that fear there. Andthen confronting your
relationships from a position ofthere are problems. It's going
(14:18):
to cause all sorts of emotionand difficulty throughout the
journey.
Naomi Stonier (14:24):
Yeah, well, your brain, the way we have survived
is we, we have, we want theguarantees before the before we
take action. We want the resultbefore we take action. So your
brain is always trying to putyou off doing anything
challenging. So it's going togive you lots of fear thoughts
(14:45):
about selling a home and willyou get what you want for the
money? Is it possible? and thebrain gets very fearful about
this is programmed just toconserve energy and it's a no
no, don't do this. So you haveall these fears. You know,
there's no control here, whichis real danger for our brain,
(15:05):
this is very risky stuff. So wego to very fearful places, and
we go to needing lots ofcontrol. It's so interesting. I
mean, my, my journey with, I'vejust completed on a house sale,
you know, haven't I? And so ittook eight months, it was a
really tricky sale. But first ofall, I had a house that wasn't
(15:28):
selling, and I had already real,it was empty, you use all the
state of it, and we rented fortwo years. And it wasn't
selling. And I had alreadystarted thinking, Okay, what
I'll do is I'll go to Argos, andI'll buy some inflatable, and I
was starting to, you know, thisband aid solution as a couple of
(15:52):
hundred pounds on trying todress the house. And it's like,
can you imagine so, you know,the time it would have taken me
to travel up to London and buythis stuff, and then this band
aid, dressing the house, andthen the serendipitous moment
where I came across you in anetworking event. And we spoke,
(16:15):
and it felt like a really bigdecision to take you on, it felt
like a lot of money. And thatmoment when you said to me
compare it to, compare my fee orhouse to a price drop, and it
was the penny dropped. But notonly the fact that I handed this
over to you, and I did nothing,you took care of everything. So
(16:38):
I want you to think about timeis my most precious asset. So
when I handed everything over toyou, not only did you take it
off my hands, can you imaginethe time saving of that. So and
then we went on, didn't we, youknow, I spent out what felt like
quite a bit of money to you. ButI ended up making 50,000 pounds.
Natalie Evans (17:00):
Well, it was wild, it was absolutely wild.
And to be part of that with youwas just amazing. And I know
when we met and we were talkingabout your house, I could see
that it was, you were in aposition where you didn't know
where to turn and you needed tosell your house and it, you
know, you needed it to in orderto move on to your next chapter.
(17:20):
And then being able to say toyou, Naomi, I can do this for
you. Getting the property stageand getting the result with the
extra £50,000 is staggering.
Naomi Stonier (17:32):
In one week! But the point, the reason I bring it
up, the point I'm making is it'sabout decision making. So this
is another thing we do, which iscatastrophic. We make decisions
based on time and financialscarcity, which ended up costing
us a lot more time and a lotmore money in the long run. And
(17:53):
we we we put off making bigdecisions. So part of my
journey, what I teach my clientsis to make big decisions quickly
and easily. And in that momentwith you, it was like it was a
great exercise and making a bigdecision quickly. And the, you
know, the benefit I got backfrom it felt very risky, very
(18:15):
scary, it felt like a lot ofmoney. I'd never done anything
like this before. And I got thattime and money back 100 fold. So
this is the other thing we needto do when we're doing big
things like house sales is makethese big decisions with an
abundant mindset. And you end upgetting this your time and your
(18:41):
money back 100. But we muststart thinking about time as our
most precious asset. And when wepenny pinch with money, you it
ends up costing you 100 timesmore in the long run.
Natalie Evans (18:53):
Absolutely. And I think that's one thing when I
speak to clients about stagingespecially, it's within the
relationships and the peopleinvolved in selling the
properties. Everybody has adifferent perspective on where
to pull money back from where tosave money from and making those
big decisions is tough in itselfwithout trying to make a
decision across a few people. Sorecently, we worked with three
(19:17):
siblings who were all joined ina probate and they all had very
different opinions on how tosell the home what to spend the
money on what type agent to workwith whether to stage and them
navigating that kind of threeway conversation and making
difficult decisions wasextremely traumatic. What advice
(19:37):
would you give in thatsituation?
Naomi Stonier (19:39):
The simple truth and this is really I think so
useful for you Natalie as theperson in the middle of that.
It's not about the house sale.It is never, I repeat this for
everybody listening, it is notabout the presenting problem. It
is not about where you live,what type of house you get?
(20:03):
It's, you know, to take it awayfrom house sales, it's not about
the house work. It's not aboutwho does the childcare is never
about the presenting problem.It's the meaning we're giving.
So you've got three siblings,you've got decades of emotional
patterns running, you've gotprogramming that we've all
received from those that, youknow, our parents, our
(20:25):
grandparents, this stuff getscarried down the generation. So
all the fear that comes up allthe very strong emotions that
come up. It's never about, it'snot about the house sale, it's
about the dynamics that havebeen going on for years. And
when we can in the moment, soI'll use my home sale that I've
just been through, as anexample, eight months of
(20:49):
multiple times, we thought itwas going to fall through. And
there were moments where I wasexperiencing so much pain, like
very strong emotion over it andevery time, just being able to
be with that experience andunderstand its got nothing to do
with this house sale. It's aboutme and my roles and my beliefs.
(21:13):
So for me, the pain that wasbeing created for me, was
because of my attachment totimelines. So I had decided in
my head, nobody else knew this,that we would complete around
March.
Natalie Evans (21:28):
I love the fact that no one knew no one knew,
but you were really crossed.They didn't know. But no one
knew.
Naomi Stonier (21:33):
I didn't think I was even that conscious, I had
estimated it would completearound March. And when it
didn't, I tipped into a world ofpain. And my husband said, you
know why? Because there you go,that's not his role. He didn't
have a timeline. So if this, sowhen this is not on, and we
(21:54):
should, they should be doingthis, this should be happening
did it is their fault, theirfault. And the only thing I
needed to do was sit with thatand go, Oh, if I just let go of
this arbitrary date I'd set, allof this pain goes away. When we
are taking responsibility forour experience, the house sale
(22:16):
is not creating your experience.You you it's your thoughts, your
beliefs, your rules, that iscreating all this drama for you.
So you've got three siblingsthere, all with three sets of
rules and beliefs, they probablydon't even know they've got
these roles in these beliefs,most of this, what's
unconscious, we don't evenrealise we have it. And it's
(22:37):
running the show. So they areall believing that the other two
are creating their experience.And if they just did what I want
you to do, everything will beokay,
Natalie Evans (22:47):
That is, that is it, you've hit the nail on the
head! And I hear that so often,especially, not even just in the
relationship of the kind offamily friends partners that are
involved in a sale. But oh, if Iwas that estate agent, I would
do it this way. If theyunderstood that I needed to do
this, this would happen. And itall boils down to that
(23:07):
communication.
Naomi Stonier (23:08):
And also, you know, you needing someone to
behave in a certain way for youto be okay, you know, when my
sale was struggling, I watchedmy brain have lots of thoughts
about my solicitor. And it waslike, you know, they're mocking
me around, they're not doingwhat I need to do you know, and
I'm a trained relationshipcoach. And whatever you do,
(23:30):
you're always going to havethese thoughts and feelings.
It's about recognising them andunderstanding. It's, it's, you
know, it's not true. It's yourbrain creating safety in a
highly stressful moment.
Natalie Evans (23:43):
Yeah, amazing advice. Oh, my goodness, because
we always reach outside ofourselves to come up with a
solution. We always think it'ssomeone else's problem, or we're
not communicating properlytogether, there's an issue here.
Whereas you are so right, takingthat time to sit down and think,
you know, why is this actuallyimpacting me? Why do I feel like
(24:04):
this? Why am I interpreting whatI'm being told by my husband, by
my children in a certain way,and finding an answer that may
be kind of deeper seated withinyou, that then helps you to have
that onward communication.
Naomi Stonier (24:19):
It's just really important to understand that our
emotions are dangerous to ourbrains, your brains only job is
to protect you keep you safe,and avoid pain. And strong
emotions are very risky to ourbrains. It doesn't know the
difference between real andimaginary danger. So when you're
experiencing a really unpleasantemotion, your brains seeking to
(24:42):
outsource that, get it out ofyou. And that's why we go to
blame. And that's why we believethings outside of us are
creating our experience. And sowhat we do is we start changing
things outside of us. We changewhere we live, we change our
jobs. We change partners. Yeah?We blame each other for what
we're feeling. And we believeour brain, we're programmed to
(25:05):
do this, our brain believes youneed to change for me to feel
better. So just understandingthat it's very normal to do
this, to blame each other to getfearful, to get suspicious. It's
very normal to do it. It's justyour brain trying to keep you
safe. There's nothing wrong withyou that you do this. We're all
doing it. The key is just torecognise it's happening. And to
(25:26):
get, the antidote to it all isget curious. So when I'm full of
anger, and I'm all my thoughtsare about blaming the person in
front of me, I think, Okay,what's going on here?
Natalie Evans (25:37):
Yeah. And that's so interesting. And I think
that's, it's such a powerfultechnique to kind of take action
on. What you do if you're on theother side, though? So say
you're in the middle of a homesale. And actually, you know,
you can see your partner gettingreally frustrated, and you
having kind of listened to thispodcast, the listener might be
(26:00):
thinking, well, actually, I, Iam sad that and I'm taking the
steps myself to understand myemotions, and I'm not blaming
other people, and I'm trying toopen the communication. But
actually, I can see that myteenage son is really
struggling, or my dad is reallystruggling, what can you do to
encourage others to think in asimilar way? Because it's a
(26:20):
difficult conversation to have.
Naomi Stonier (26:22):
That's what we all want. Well, I teach people
how to make the changes withoutanyone else doing the work. And
the way we do it, is we work onourselves, and that just ripples
out. So first of all, we just,we take the focus off every what
everybody else is doing, becauseour brain always wants to focus
(26:44):
on the other person. And it'svery disempowering. When we take
the focus off them. And weconcentrate on ourselves, as
we've just been speaking, we'remuch more creative and
resourceful. And when we're notin disempowering energy, so Oh,
God, why do you always lose yourtemper? Oh, god, they're gonna
kick off again. So when we'vegot a partner who, when we've
(27:07):
got a loved one who's strugglingto manage themselves, we start
going, Oh, God, they're gonna doit again. It's a very
disempowering place to be. Andwe get into all the
disempowering emotions, and ofcourse, then it's a self
fulfilling prophecy. But whenyou're just in awareness of
yourself, and you're choosingwhat you want to think and feel,
(27:29):
regardless of someone else'sbehaviour, you're in a much more
empowered place. And that willripple out of you. And people
will respond to it, it'smirrored back to you. So that's
one little thing. But the nextthing to do is to create
compassion, and understanding ofeach other because it can be so
(27:53):
difficult to understand thatwhen we are fearful, we go to
anger. So whenever someone isbeing, whenever I or anyone else
has been irritable, sarcastic,impatient, frustrated, which can
just feel so hurtful. It's fear.So I have learned to just read,
(28:19):
I have learned to just see thefear. Whenever I'm getting a
response that Oh, isn't verypleasant. I just am so much
better at recognising the fear.So when my husband is
withdrawing, retreating, he'snot communicating with me, or
he's complaining aboutsomething, you know, masculine
(28:40):
energy is not going to say, I'mfeeling really overwhelmed and
anxious. It's not going to dothat. It's going to say it's
tired. It's a key, it's going towork over exercise, they're
going to spend more time ontheir phone on the telly, you
know, thought it's reallyirritating for us, but that is a
person who's struggling. So whensomeone's coming at you, and
(29:03):
being, you know,confrontational, be able to just
understand, there is fearunderneath that it's always fear
will really help reduce thepressure.
Natalie Evans (29:16):
Yeah, amazing that it's so helpful to see how
important that kind ofcompassion, that awareness, that
self awareness, the way that Iam projecting myself and how
it's impacting others around me.I know myself that if I get up
in the morning, and I'm having arubbish day, I'm stressed at
(29:39):
getting the children ready forschool, I get in the car. It
seems like everybody around meis stressed and everybody else
is driving terribly,
Naomi Stonier (29:46):
and it's all their fault.
Natalie Evans (29:48):
It's all their fault. Absolutely. And it's the
same with your house. I thinkpeople set out on the journey,
and they're full of fear.Everything's going wrong.
They've heard the horrorstories, and as a result, it
feels like If I draw in all ofthe negative things that can
happen, like my children won'thelp get things ready, and my
husband is not interested, sothe sale fell through. And I
(30:09):
didn't get the viewings bookedin time. And it's everybody
else's fault. And I think whatyou're saying Naomi, which is
super powerful is that actuallytaking a moment to be aware of
your own vision, your own, yourown way of dealing with this big
life situation. And having thatself awareness and being able to
(30:30):
be more compassion,compassionate for the people
around you, and compassionate toyourself, is going to ripple
Naomi Stonier (30:38):
Yes, oh, my God, that's the first place. And I'm
out.
so glad you pointed that out.Because it is okay not to cope.
It is okay, not. And so whenyour brain goes to blaming
everybody else, so you have veryintense emotions, you want to be
(31:00):
when we're over when we're overfunctioning. And when we're, you
know, certain types of people,you know, myself as a coach, you
know, giving myself a reallyhard time when I'm not coping.
I'm a coach, I do mindset work,I should be able to handle this.
And it was such a profoundtransformation for me to give
(31:20):
myself permission not to cope.To have all these really
horrible thoughts and feelingsabout everybody, and just go,
it's okay. And that way, youdon't act on them. You know,
when you're in blame ofeverybody else, it's a warning
signal. That's the time to dropinto being kind to yourself,
(31:41):
allowing yourself to find thisreally, really difficult. And
that way, you don't react fromthis place, then you regret it,
then you have shame, and youlayer it up. And then you
justify yourself, you know, andit's just a complete waste of
time. And it takes up all yourtime and energy.
Natalie Evans (32:00):
Yeah, no, absolutely. Oh, my goodness,
you've given so much value, justrelationships and self awareness
and kindness and self loveduring selling your home.
Because it can come with allsorts of challenges. And I think
a lot of the time, there's areal fear of the unknown, with
selling your home, you don'tknow what's gonna happen. And
(32:21):
the more it means to you, themore these difficult situations
can feel so painful. And attimes of pain, when you're
surrounded by other people whoare also experiencing the home
sale from their perspective, itcan all just kind of blow up. So
to kind of put you on the spot,then kind of quick fire tips. If
you are a family, and you'reabout to start selling your
(32:44):
home, and you want to kind ofbring up and have the
conversation with children,husband, make sure everybody's
aligned. What would be the bestway, in your opinion to have
those kind of earlyconversations?
Naomi Stonier (32:54):
Well, what's the outcome you're seeking? It's so
simple. What is the long termgoal? When coaching is future
focused, we work on what youwant, and why you want it. So
we're programmed to focus on theproblem. It's very normal. But
(33:16):
what when, when you're asked,What do you want? most of us are
completely stumped. So startthere, start with the end goal.
What do you want? And crucially,why do you want it? you want to
make sure you want it for theright reasons? What do you want?
Why do you want it? and startthe conversation there. What's
the long term goal? And thenalong the journey, you realign
(33:40):
with that long term goal again,and again and again, so that you
don't get stuck in that shortterm difficulties.
Natalie Evans (33:46):
Yeah, no amazing tips. Another one. So if you're
in the middle of your homeselling journey, and you have
got to make some really toughdecisions. What would be your
top tip of kind of bringingthose conversations up with
family, friends, wider family,whoever is involved?
Naomi Stonier (34:07):
Don't make any decisions in a suffering state.
Natalie Evans (34:10):
Oh, great advice.
Naomi Stonier (34:11):
I teach people to make decisions in an executive
state. Do not make decisionswhen you're tired, when you're
ill, when you're too busy. Sohave the cut. You know, when
you're dealing with somethinglike a probate, and you know
that it's when you've done thiswork ahead of time, these
(34:33):
conversations won't bedifficult. So many of us avoid
all this stuff, and then we endup in a situation like a
probate, boom, it all kicks off.So having the courage to have
difficult conversations, havingthe courage to experience short
term discomfort, for long termgain. Our brains are programmed
(34:53):
to avoid discomfort at alltimes. And that's how we avoid,
avoid, avoid and end up withhuge, much more discomfort, long
term discomfort later on. Sohave the courage to have that
awkward conversation. And you'llfind out, it really wasn't that
bad after all.
Natalie Evans (35:11):
Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. So if anybody's
listening today, and they'rethinking that they are getting
swept away in kind of their intheir home sale, they're
struggling with theirrelationship, or they've maybe
picked up some points that arerelevant within kind of a work
relationship or a differentelement. How can they find out
more about you, Naomi, what youdo, and the services that you
(35:32):
offer within your relationshipcoaching?
Naomi Stonier (35:36):
So I work with people one to one. And if you're
interested in working with me,you can book a phone consult
with me. It's a really usefulsession, we'll take a look at
where you're at now, where youwant to get to, and how coaching
with me can bridge the gapbetween the two. So go to my
(35:56):
website, www.plumocoaching.com.That's plumo coaching.com. I
give away a lot of free content.I've got free downloads on
there, how to make the changeswithout the other person doing
anything, and how to shift fromproblem solving to solution
creation. So my website's gotall about me. You can book a
(36:19):
call with me on there, you canget on my mailing list. Yeah, I
would just check me out onplumocoaching.com
Natalie Evans (36:26):
Oh, they absolutely should check you out.
Because like I said, I amobsessed with your content its
helped me in so many ways andshakes. And Naomi, thank you so
so much for being part of theHappy Home Sale podcasts today.
And thank you so much forshowing us that actually, the
power of unity and alignment andself love and compassion really
(36:47):
does have such a huge impact onhelping you to achieve the happy
home sale and new chapter, a newjourney that we all deserve. So
thank you so much.
Naomi Stonier (36:59):
It was an absolute pleasure, Natalie.
Natalie Evans (37:04):
Thank you for listening to the Happy Home Sell
podcast. I really hope thatyou've enjoyed today's episode
and that you've got some amazingtips and advice to take away.
Don't forget to subscribewherever you listen, so that you
can be sure not to miss our nextepisode because trust me is
going to be equally filled withstories and jam packed with
advice.
(37:30):
If you're selling your home andusing any of the hints and tips
from today, please use thehashtag #happyhomesale. I love
to see how you are all gettingon an all of your success
stories. So please do share.I've been your host Natalie
Evans. You can follow me onsocial media @natalieevansuk or
(37:54):
find out more about my workwww.natalieevansuk.com or
www.littlebarndoor.uk Thispodcast was produced by our
friends at Emily Crosby Media.
Welcome to the Happy Home Sale podcast with me,
Natalie Evans. In this weeklypodcast, I speak to homeowners
and experts from differentindustries, to share real life
stories, and inspiring advice toshow you how you can make your
home selling journey one ofbliss, happiness, joy, and
(00:23):
staggering success.
Today's podcast is all aboutrelationships, and how to
maintain a positive relationshipwith those around you, and those
who are central to your homeselling story to create a
harmonious home sale. We hear sooften about the stresses,
(00:46):
pressure and anxieties thatarise from the process and
structure required when buyingor selling a home. But most of
the time, the problem doesn'tsit with the tasks, but with the
relationships and communicationbehind the journey. Who better
to join me today, then expertRelationship Coach Naomi
Stornier. Naomi is a firmbeliever that when your
(01:09):
relationships are thriving, youhold the keys to success,
happiness and fulfilment. I knowthat she has some amazing advice
to share with you today on howyou can use the tools that she
shares with her clients, toenhance your relationships,
transform your conversations andbring greater joy to your home
(01:30):
sale.
Hi, Naomi, how are you doing?
Naomi Stonier (01:41):
Hello, I'm doing well. Thank you for having me
on.
Natalie Evans (01:46):
Thank you so much for being on the podcast, it's
been a little while.
Naomi Stonier (01:49):
Yes, you've been my favourite person for a long
time since our journey together.Oh, I love that. I love that so
much. Because we met atnetworking, yes. And then
immediately connected, becauseat that time you were selling
your property. But also, I'vejust been obsessed with all of
your content since
Natalie Evans (02:09):
lovely to hear,
Oh, you just offer so much valueto people wanting to improve
their relationships. And it'sreally kind of opened my eyes,
to the number of things that areimpacted by the relationships
around us whether it'srelationship with time
relationship and connections,relationships and communication.
It's so so valuable. And I justknew that I had to get you on
(02:30):
the podcast. Because on top ofbeing an expert of
relationships, you have sold aproperty recently, and you are
in the motions of buying
Naomi Stonier (02:40):
thanks to you.
Natalie Evans (02:41):
Oh, well, I am so proud to have been part of your
journey for those who don'tknow. So when I first met Naomi
through networking, she came tome and said, I am selling my
house and I need your help froma home staging perspective. And
I was so proud to come and workwith you get your property
staged and get it sold.
Naomi Stonier (03:00):
It's funny, isn't it because, you know,
relationship coaching and homestaging, you don't think
there's, there's kind of itdoesn't it's not an obvious
connection. But I have learnedso much about my relationship
through buying and sellinghouses. Because we know it's one
of the most stressful things wecan do. So of course, all the
(03:23):
murky stuff, in ourselves andour relationships comes up in
these moments of stress. So youlearn through coaching,
everything becomes anopportunity to practice. And so
every home sale we've had hasbeen a beautiful opportunity to
practice coming together in verystressful times instead of
(03:44):
turning on each other. So we'veyou know, this is a path I've
walked myself, we've had verydifficult house sales, you know,
selling in London is not easy.Selling anywhere isn't easy, but
London's a little special case,of when things go wrong turning
on each other. And this erodestrust, and going on the
(04:05):
beautiful journey to switchinginto support and compassion for
each other in really difficultmoments. When it feels like it's
all gonna fall apart. And that'show you create trust. And that's
how you create strong, longlasting relationships - do you
turn on each other in moments ofstress? Or do you turn towards
(04:27):
each other and love and supporteach other in all moments?
Natalie Evans (04:32):
Yeah, you are so right. Because I think when we
go into these big life events,whether it's selling your house,
getting a new job, whatever itis, we become quite insular. And
we try and protect ourselves,understand our vision,
understand what we're doing, andforget that actually, this
journey is impacting so manypeople around us and not
everybody has the same opinionor is in the same place. As you
(04:55):
may be. You might have you know,meditated on it and be in a
beautiful state. states and Iknow where you want to go, that
actually, if your husband oryour children or your brothers
and sisters who could beinvolved in yourself, if they're
not in that same place, it's adifficult starting place to be.
Naomi Stonier (05:14):
Well, we all go to certain places, in difficult
moments, this, these momentsbring up a huge amount of fear.
So we'll go to we'll all have adefault place that our brain
takes us to to create safety.And so this is a path I've
walked myself. So I'll just usemy own example. For me, when the
(05:38):
uncertainty comes up of whereare we going to live all the
money? What what how is thisgoing to play out, it's very
uncertain, it's veryuncomfortable for our brains.
And I'll go, my default placewas to go to control, you start
over functioning, for theillusion of control, this
happens to a lot of women, we,we start to over function, we
(06:02):
started to do do do do do, it'sa form of emotional management.
So the really unpleasantemotions here, this is a roller
coaster ride. And for me, I'd goto over functioning to get which
gives me the illusion ofcontrol. If I do everything, I
will be able to control this. Itis not true. And for many men,
(06:27):
and you know, we have to becareful about our social
conditioning around this. Butfor my husband, certainly, it
would go to avoidance, sofeminine energy fills and sees
everything. So we often go intoover functioning, and masculine
energy is very good atcompartmentalising, putting it
in a box, and shutting it off.So that goes to retreat, and
(06:49):
avoiding and masculine energy isvery good at just when it gets
too much to switching off fromit. And we are 'what the hell?'
you know, we think they don'tcare, we think that they're not
bothered. And so
Natalie Evans (07:02):
I've been there so many times with my husband,
especially, in not just sellingand buying a house, but in kind
of other areas of life wherewe've kind of been, yeah, I've
gone like, Are you notinterested? Do you not want this
as much as me? are, you know,why aren't you
Naomi Stonier (07:19):
we make it mean, there's something wrong with our
relationships, we make, feminineenergy, and this can apply to
same sex couples, because weneed we have must have masculine
feminine energy in ourrelationships two masculinity
are going to have probably quitea lot of conflict two feminines,
you're gonna have a greatfriendship, but you might not
have much passion. And so it's agood thing that we have this
(07:42):
battle. But when we learn tounderstand it, then that's how
we flourish. So we make it meanthat there's something wrong
with the relationship when theyshut off and they switch off.
Yeah, we make it mean, there'ssomething wrong. And we, and
they make and when we go intoover functioning, they make that
mean, something's wrong. Andthey're like, 'What? what's this
(08:04):
crazy behaviour?'
Natalie Evans (08:05):
So to us, kind of, if we're in that situation,
where you've got two people whoare reacting very different to
being in this kind of lifechange, we see it as not being
aligned, not wanting the samething. But actually, we could
want exactly the same thing.We're just reacting to it
differently. So with that inmind, how can we identify that
everybody is even happy with theidea of selling their house to
(08:29):
start with? So if you're in ahome where you've got kind of
mom, dad, two children, youcould have four people who are
in very different mindsets ofeven what they want to achieve.
What would be yourrecommendation as a kind of
relationship coach and expert,to be able to really draw out of
them, whether they even want tosell and what they want to do?
Naomi Stonier (08:52):
Yeah. Well, one of the keys to a flourishing,
thriving relationship is aligneddreams. You don't have to be the
same people. But you do have towant the same things. And so
back to the masculine andfeminine energy, when we're not
making each other wrong. Yeah,when we're not making this mean,
(09:15):
there's something wrong with usand our relationship and maybe
are we even in the rightrelationship in the first place.
This is the fearful place ourbrains take us to, because our
relationships create so muchfear, they're the place we need
the most certainty, and they'rethe most fearful place. So being
able to hear what someone elsewants and needs without making
(09:39):
them wrong for it, is how youcan align your dreams. So when
masculine energy is not makingfeminine energy wrong for over
planning, over functioning,beautiful about the future or
the thing feminine energy does,and it hears and it's able to
not make you wrong for that.We're not blaming and shaming,
(10:02):
it's a superpower of feminineenergy being able to feel and
see everything. And then on thesame way, you know, masculine
energy will want to plan, itwill want to be very practical.
And it's like, oh, God, this isso boring, you know, feminine
energies usually feels a lotmore sort of adventurous and
risk taking, and masculineenergy will want to take its
(10:25):
time, be very practical, becertain. And again, it's a
superpower, it's reallyimportant to be able to put
emotion aside and be logical,but feminine energy can be like,
you know, come on, you know. Andso when you can meet in the
middle of these two superpowers,not making each other wrong, you
(10:49):
can hear what someone is saying.And you can negotiate, you can
compromise, we stop making eachother wrong for what we want, or
need, we hear each other, andthen we can align. And then one
person isn't going along withthe other, and then getting
annoyed down the line.
Natalie Evans (11:11):
Yeah, which you see happen in so many areas of
life. And I feel like actually,just listening to you, it feels
like there should be a reallysimple solution, which is just
sit down and have kind of theconversation so that you can
feel confident that actuallyyes, somebody else is reacting
in a different way. Butultimately, they want the same
(11:31):
thing, their vision is toachieve the home sell so that
they can move to their new home,and appreciate that not
everybody works in the same way.But by actually drawing on each
other's strengths, you're allgoing to get there in a
harmonious way,
Naomi Stonier (11:45):
One really crucial thing I do is I teach my
clients to stop problem solvingand shift into solution
creation. And we're familiarwith that in some sort of
business, you know, focus on thesolution. It's some sort of
business term. But what I helppeople understand is why we
problem solve, it's a survivaltactic. Its kept us alive as a
(12:11):
human race, to focus on theproblem and survive, because we
got a brain in our headsdesigned to keep us alive in the
wild. It's not designed for thismodern time. So you're
programmed to focus on theproblem. But also, like I
touched on before, it's a formof emotional management. If I
leap into action, and I'm doingdoing doing, problem solving,
(12:33):
it's the illusion of control.It's a survival tactic. And so
when you're able to not make itmean something about you, or
them, or the relationship,because one thing gets said,
boom, we're in this trigger,woof, we react, it just happens,
we don't even realise it. And sosolution creation, is about
(12:57):
being able to experience strongemotions allow that to happen.
Not make it mean anything. Knowit's very normal for your brain
that's designed to keep youalive to survive, and not react
to it not leap into doingbecause then you end up solving
the wrong thing, doing the wrongthing, wasting your time wasting
(13:18):
your energy, and solutions thencome to you you're able to hear
what someone else is saying. Andyou're able to navigate through
what can be a highly emotionalexperience.
Natalie Evans (13:33):
Oh, absolutely. If people are kind of day one of
starting out the journey ofbuying or selling their home,
and they're already their brainsare filled with these terrifying
stories of like, Well, Mrs.Smith's home fell through and
Mr. Jones's property couldn'tsell and the chain is going to
be long and all these nightmarehorror stories that they they've
(13:54):
already got in their mind.They're starting from that place
of fear. And I am so passionateabout saying to people, do you
know what selling your home doesnot need to be the most
stressful time of your life,don't listen to those stories.
But if you are kind of steppinginto those stories, you've
already got that fear there. Andthen confronting your
relationships from a position ofthere are problems. It's going
(14:18):
to cause all sorts of emotionand difficulty throughout the
journey.
Naomi Stonier (14:24):
Yeah, well, your brain, the way we have survived
is we, we have, we want theguarantees before the before we
take action. We want the resultbefore we take action. So your
brain is always trying to putyou off doing anything
challenging. So it's going togive you lots of fear thoughts
(14:45):
about selling a home and willyou get what you want for the
money? Is it possible? and thebrain gets very fearful about
this is programmed just toconserve energy and it's a no
no, don't do this. So you haveall these fears. You know,
there's no control here, whichis real danger for our brain,
(15:05):
this is very risky stuff. So wego to very fearful places, and
we go to needing lots ofcontrol. It's so interesting. I
mean, my, my journey with, I'vejust completed on a house sale,
you know, haven't I? And so ittook eight months, it was a
really tricky sale. But first ofall, I had a house that wasn't
(15:28):
selling, and I had already real,it was empty, you use all the
state of it, and we rented fortwo years. And it wasn't
selling. And I had alreadystarted thinking, Okay, what
I'll do is I'll go to Argos, andI'll buy some inflatable, and I
was starting to, you know, thisband aid solution as a couple of
(15:52):
hundred pounds on trying todress the house. And it's like,
can you imagine so, you know,the time it would have taken me
to travel up to London and buythis stuff, and then this band
aid, dressing the house, andthen the serendipitous moment
where I came across you in anetworking event. And we spoke,
(16:15):
and it felt like a really bigdecision to take you on, it felt
like a lot of money. And thatmoment when you said to me
compare it to, compare my fee orhouse to a price drop, and it
was the penny dropped. But notonly the fact that I handed this
over to you, and I did nothing,you took care of everything. So
(16:38):
I want you to think about timeis my most precious asset. So
when I handed everything over toyou, not only did you take it
off my hands, can you imaginethe time saving of that. So and
then we went on, didn't we, youknow, I spent out what felt like
quite a bit of money to you. ButI ended up making 50,000 pounds.
Natalie Evans (17:00):
Well, it was wild, it was absolutely wild.
And to be part of that with youwas just amazing. And I know
when we met and we were talkingabout your house, I could see
that it was, you were in aposition where you didn't know
where to turn and you needed tosell your house and it, you
know, you needed it to in orderto move on to your next chapter.
(17:20):
And then being able to say toyou, Naomi, I can do this for
you. Getting the property stageand getting the result with the
extra £50,000 is staggering.
Naomi Stonier (17:32):
In one week! But the point, the reason I bring it
up, the point I'm making is it'sabout decision making. So this
is another thing we do, which iscatastrophic. We make decisions
based on time and financialscarcity, which ended up costing
us a lot more time and a lotmore money in the long run. And
(17:53):
we we we put off making bigdecisions. So part of my
journey, what I teach my clientsis to make big decisions quickly
and easily. And in that momentwith you, it was like it was a
great exercise and making a bigdecision quickly. And the, you
know, the benefit I got backfrom it felt very risky, very
(18:15):
scary, it felt like a lot ofmoney. I'd never done anything
like this before. And I got thattime and money back 100 fold. So
this is the other thing we needto do when we're doing big
things like house sales is makethese big decisions with an
abundant mindset. And you end upgetting this your time and your
(18:41):
money back 100. But we muststart thinking about time as our
most precious asset. And when wepenny pinch with money, you it
ends up costing you 100 timesmore in the long run.
Natalie Evans (18:53):
Absolutely. And I think that's one thing when I
speak to clients about stagingespecially, it's within the
relationships and the peopleinvolved in selling the
properties. Everybody has adifferent perspective on where
to pull money back from where tosave money from and making those
big decisions is tough in itselfwithout trying to make a
decision across a few people. Sorecently, we worked with three
(19:17):
siblings who were all joined ina probate and they all had very
different opinions on how tosell the home what to spend the
money on what type agent to workwith whether to stage and them
navigating that kind of threeway conversation and making
difficult decisions wasextremely traumatic. What advice
(19:37):
would you give in thatsituation?
Naomi Stonier (19:39):
The simple truth and this is really I think so
useful for you Natalie as theperson in the middle of that.
It's not about the house sale.It is never, I repeat this for
everybody listening, it is notabout the presenting problem. It
is not about where you live,what type of house you get?
(20:03):
It's, you know, to take it awayfrom house sales, it's not about
the house work. It's not aboutwho does the childcare is never
about the presenting problem.It's the meaning we're giving.
So you've got three siblings,you've got decades of emotional
patterns running, you've gotprogramming that we've all
received from those that, youknow, our parents, our
(20:25):
grandparents, this stuff getscarried down the generation. So
all the fear that comes up allthe very strong emotions that
come up. It's never about, it'snot about the house sale, it's
about the dynamics that havebeen going on for years. And
when we can in the moment, soI'll use my home sale that I've
just been through, as anexample, eight months of
(20:49):
multiple times, we thought itwas going to fall through. And
there were moments where I wasexperiencing so much pain, like
very strong emotion over it andevery time, just being able to
be with that experience andunderstand its got nothing to do
with this house sale. It's aboutme and my roles and my beliefs.
(21:13):
So for me, the pain that wasbeing created for me, was
because of my attachment totimelines. So I had decided in
my head, nobody else knew this,that we would complete around
March.
Natalie Evans (21:28):
I love the fact that no one knew no one knew,
but you were really crossed.They didn't know. But no one
knew.
Naomi Stonier (21:33):
I didn't think I was even that conscious, I had
estimated it would completearound March. And when it
didn't, I tipped into a world ofpain. And my husband said, you
know why? Because there you go,that's not his role. He didn't
have a timeline. So if this, sowhen this is not on, and we
(21:54):
should, they should be doingthis, this should be happening
did it is their fault, theirfault. And the only thing I
needed to do was sit with thatand go, Oh, if I just let go of
this arbitrary date I'd set, allof this pain goes away. When we
are taking responsibility forour experience, the house sale
(22:16):
is not creating your experience.You you it's your thoughts, your
beliefs, your rules, that iscreating all this drama for you.
So you've got three siblingsthere, all with three sets of
rules and beliefs, they probablydon't even know they've got
these roles in these beliefs,most of this, what's
unconscious, we don't evenrealise we have it. And it's
(22:37):
running the show. So they areall believing that the other two
are creating their experience.And if they just did what I want
you to do, everything will beokay,
Natalie Evans (22:47):
That is, that is it, you've hit the nail on the
head! And I hear that so often,especially, not even just in the
relationship of the kind offamily friends partners that are
involved in a sale. But oh, if Iwas that estate agent, I would
do it this way. If theyunderstood that I needed to do
this, this would happen. And itall boils down to that
(23:07):
communication.
Naomi Stonier (23:08):
And also, you know, you needing someone to
behave in a certain way for youto be okay, you know, when my
sale was struggling, I watchedmy brain have lots of thoughts
about my solicitor. And it waslike, you know, they're mocking
me around, they're not doingwhat I need to do you know, and
I'm a trained relationshipcoach. And whatever you do,
(23:30):
you're always going to havethese thoughts and feelings.
It's about recognising them andunderstanding. It's, it's, you
know, it's not true. It's yourbrain creating safety in a
highly stressful moment.
Natalie Evans (23:43):
Yeah, amazing advice. Oh, my goodness, because
we always reach outside ofourselves to come up with a
solution. We always think it'ssomeone else's problem, or we're
not communicating properlytogether, there's an issue here.
Whereas you are so right, takingthat time to sit down and think,
you know, why is this actuallyimpacting me? Why do I feel like
(24:04):
this? Why am I interpreting whatI'm being told by my husband, by
my children in a certain way,and finding an answer that may
be kind of deeper seated withinyou, that then helps you to have
that onward communication.
Naomi Stonier (24:19):
It's just really important to understand that our
emotions are dangerous to ourbrains, your brains only job is
to protect you keep you safe,and avoid pain. And strong
emotions are very risky to ourbrains. It doesn't know the
difference between real andimaginary danger. So when you're
experiencing a really unpleasantemotion, your brains seeking to
(24:42):
outsource that, get it out ofyou. And that's why we go to
blame. And that's why we believethings outside of us are
creating our experience. And sowhat we do is we start changing
things outside of us. We changewhere we live, we change our
jobs. We change partners. Yeah?We blame each other for what
we're feeling. And we believeour brain, we're programmed to
(25:05):
do this, our brain believes youneed to change for me to feel
better. So just understandingthat it's very normal to do
this, to blame each other to getfearful, to get suspicious. It's
very normal to do it. It's justyour brain trying to keep you
safe. There's nothing wrong withyou that you do this. We're all
doing it. The key is just torecognise it's happening. And to
(25:26):
get, the antidote to it all isget curious. So when I'm full of
anger, and I'm all my thoughtsare about blaming the person in
front of me, I think, Okay,what's going on here?
Natalie Evans (25:37):
Yeah. And that's so interesting. And I think
that's, it's such a powerfultechnique to kind of take action
on. What you do if you're on theother side, though? So say
you're in the middle of a homesale. And actually, you know,
you can see your partner gettingreally frustrated, and you
having kind of listened to thispodcast, the listener might be
(26:00):
thinking, well, actually, I, Iam sad that and I'm taking the
steps myself to understand myemotions, and I'm not blaming
other people, and I'm trying toopen the communication. But
actually, I can see that myteenage son is really
struggling, or my dad is reallystruggling, what can you do to
encourage others to think in asimilar way? Because it's a
(26:20):
difficult conversation to have.
Naomi Stonier (26:22):
That's what we all want. Well, I teach people
how to make the changes withoutanyone else doing the work. And
the way we do it, is we work onourselves, and that just ripples
out. So first of all, we just,we take the focus off every what
everybody else is doing, becauseour brain always wants to focus
(26:44):
on the other person. And it'svery disempowering. When we take
the focus off them. And weconcentrate on ourselves, as
we've just been speaking, we'remuch more creative and
resourceful. And when we're notin disempowering energy, so Oh,
God, why do you always lose yourtemper? Oh, god, they're gonna
kick off again. So when we'vegot a partner who, when we've
(27:07):
got a loved one who's strugglingto manage themselves, we start
going, Oh, God, they're gonna doit again. It's a very
disempowering place to be. Andwe get into all the
disempowering emotions, and ofcourse, then it's a self
fulfilling prophecy. But whenyou're just in awareness of
yourself, and you're choosingwhat you want to think and feel,
(27:29):
regardless of someone else'sbehaviour, you're in a much more
empowered place. And that willripple out of you. And people
will respond to it, it'smirrored back to you. So that's
one little thing. But the nextthing to do is to create
compassion, and understanding ofeach other because it can be so
(27:53):
difficult to understand thatwhen we are fearful, we go to
anger. So whenever someone isbeing, whenever I or anyone else
has been irritable, sarcastic,impatient, frustrated, which can
just feel so hurtful. It's fear.So I have learned to just read,
(28:19):
I have learned to just see thefear. Whenever I'm getting a
response that Oh, isn't verypleasant. I just am so much
better at recognising the fear.So when my husband is
withdrawing, retreating, he'snot communicating with me, or
he's complaining aboutsomething, you know, masculine
(28:40):
energy is not going to say, I'mfeeling really overwhelmed and
anxious. It's not going to dothat. It's going to say it's
tired. It's a key, it's going towork over exercise, they're
going to spend more time ontheir phone on the telly, you
know, thought it's reallyirritating for us, but that is a
person who's struggling. So whensomeone's coming at you, and
(29:03):
being, you know,confrontational, be able to just
understand, there is fearunderneath that it's always fear
will really help reduce thepressure.
Natalie Evans (29:16):
Yeah, amazing that it's so helpful to see how
important that kind ofcompassion, that awareness, that
self awareness, the way that Iam projecting myself and how
it's impacting others around me.I know myself that if I get up
in the morning, and I'm having arubbish day, I'm stressed at
(29:39):
getting the children ready forschool, I get in the car. It
seems like everybody around meis stressed and everybody else
is driving terribly,
Naomi Stonier (29:46):
and it's all their fault.
Natalie Evans (29:48):
It's all their fault. Absolutely. And it's the
same with your house. I thinkpeople set out on the journey,
and they're full of fear.Everything's going wrong.
They've heard the horrorstories, and as a result, it
feels like If I draw in all ofthe negative things that can
happen, like my children won'thelp get things ready, and my
husband is not interested, sothe sale fell through. And I
(30:09):
didn't get the viewings bookedin time. And it's everybody
else's fault. And I think whatyou're saying Naomi, which is
super powerful is that actuallytaking a moment to be aware of
your own vision, your own, yourown way of dealing with this big
life situation. And having thatself awareness and being able to
(30:30):
be more compassion,compassionate for the people
around you, and compassionate toyourself, is going to ripple
Naomi Stonier (30:38):
Yes, oh, my God, that's the first place. And I'm
out.
so glad you pointed that out.Because it is okay not to cope.
It is okay, not. And so whenyour brain goes to blaming
everybody else, so you have veryintense emotions, you want to be
(31:00):
when we're over when we're overfunctioning. And when we're, you
know, certain types of people,you know, myself as a coach, you
know, giving myself a reallyhard time when I'm not coping.
I'm a coach, I do mindset work,I should be able to handle this.
And it was such a profoundtransformation for me to give
(31:20):
myself permission not to cope.To have all these really
horrible thoughts and feelingsabout everybody, and just go,
it's okay. And that way, youdon't act on them. You know,
when you're in blame ofeverybody else, it's a warning
signal. That's the time to dropinto being kind to yourself,
(31:41):
allowing yourself to find thisreally, really difficult. And
that way, you don't react fromthis place, then you regret it,
then you have shame, and youlayer it up. And then you
justify yourself, you know, andit's just a complete waste of
time. And it takes up all yourtime and energy.
Natalie Evans (32:00):
Yeah, no, absolutely. Oh, my goodness,
you've given so much value, justrelationships and self awareness
and kindness and self loveduring selling your home.
Because it can come with allsorts of challenges. And I think
a lot of the time, there's areal fear of the unknown, with
selling your home, you don'tknow what's gonna happen. And
(32:21):
the more it means to you, themore these difficult situations
can feel so painful. And attimes of pain, when you're
surrounded by other people whoare also experiencing the home
sale from their perspective, itcan all just kind of blow up. So
to kind of put you on the spot,then kind of quick fire tips. If
you are a family, and you'reabout to start selling your
(32:44):
home, and you want to kind ofbring up and have the
conversation with children,husband, make sure everybody's
aligned. What would be the bestway, in your opinion to have
those kind of earlyconversations?
Naomi Stonier (32:54):
Well, what's the outcome you're seeking? It's so
simple. What is the long termgoal? When coaching is future
focused, we work on what youwant, and why you want it. So
we're programmed to focus on theproblem. It's very normal. But
(33:16):
what when, when you're asked,What do you want? most of us are
completely stumped. So startthere, start with the end goal.
What do you want? And crucially,why do you want it? you want to
make sure you want it for theright reasons? What do you want?
Why do you want it? and startthe conversation there. What's
the long term goal? And thenalong the journey, you realign
(33:40):
with that long term goal again,and again and again, so that you
don't get stuck in that shortterm difficulties.
Natalie Evans (33:46):
Yeah, no amazing tips. Another one. So if you're
in the middle of your homeselling journey, and you have
got to make some really toughdecisions. What would be your
top tip of kind of bringingthose conversations up with
family, friends, wider family,whoever is involved?
Naomi Stonier (34:07):
Don't make any decisions in a suffering state.
Natalie Evans (34:10):
Oh, great advice.
Naomi Stonier (34:11):
I teach people to make decisions in an executive
state. Do not make decisionswhen you're tired, when you're
ill, when you're too busy. Sohave the cut. You know, when
you're dealing with somethinglike a probate, and you know
that it's when you've done thiswork ahead of time, these
(34:33):
conversations won't bedifficult. So many of us avoid
all this stuff, and then we endup in a situation like a
probate, boom, it all kicks off.So having the courage to have
difficult conversations, havingthe courage to experience short
term discomfort, for long termgain. Our brains are programmed
(34:53):
to avoid discomfort at alltimes. And that's how we avoid,
avoid, avoid and end up withhuge, much more discomfort, long
term discomfort later on. Sohave the courage to have that
awkward conversation. And you'llfind out, it really wasn't that
bad after all.
Natalie Evans (35:11):
Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. So if anybody's
listening today, and they'rethinking that they are getting
swept away in kind of their intheir home sale, they're
struggling with theirrelationship, or they've maybe
picked up some points that arerelevant within kind of a work
relationship or a differentelement. How can they find out
more about you, Naomi, what youdo, and the services that you
(35:32):
offer within your relationshipcoaching?
Naomi Stonier (35:36):
So I work with people one to one. And if you're
interested in working with me,you can book a phone consult
with me. It's a really usefulsession, we'll take a look at
where you're at now, where youwant to get to, and how coaching
with me can bridge the gapbetween the two. So go to my
(35:56):
website, www.plumocoaching.com.That's plumo coaching.com. I
give away a lot of free content.I've got free downloads on
there, how to make the changeswithout the other person doing
anything, and how to shift fromproblem solving to solution
creation. So my website's gotall about me. You can book a
(36:19):
call with me on there, you canget on my mailing list. Yeah, I
would just check me out onplumocoaching.com
Natalie Evans (36:26):
Oh, they absolutely should check you out.
Because like I said, I amobsessed with your content its
helped me in so many ways andshakes. And Naomi, thank you so
so much for being part of theHappy Home Sale podcasts today.
And thank you so much forshowing us that actually, the
power of unity and alignment andself love and compassion really
(36:47):
does have such a huge impact onhelping you to achieve the happy
home sale and new chapter, a newjourney that we all deserve. So
thank you so much.
Naomi Stonier (36:59):
It was an absolute pleasure, Natalie.
Natalie Evans (37:04):
Thank you for listening to the Happy Home Sell
podcast. I really hope thatyou've enjoyed today's episode
and that you've got some amazingtips and advice to take away.
Don't forget to subscribewherever you listen, so that you
can be sure not to miss our nextepisode because trust me is
going to be equally filled withstories and jam packed with
advice.
(37:30):
If you're selling your home andusing any of the hints and tips
from today, please use thehashtag #happyhomesale. I love
to see how you are all gettingon an all of your success
stories. So please do share.I've been your host Natalie
Evans. You can follow me onsocial media @natalieevansuk or
(37:54):
find out more about my workwww.natalieevansuk.com or
www.littlebarndoor.uk Thispodcast was produced by our
friends at Emily Crosby Media.
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