Episode Transcript
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.3373160001Hey, beautiful man.
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We are talking about the big three today.
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You know, if we're honest, most of us, if not all of us have pushed through life with all of these things within us at some point.
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Unforgiveness, shame and rejection.
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Maybe it's been unknowingly or you were well aware that you had shame, rejection and unforgiveness within you.
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Um, but you just didn't know how to address it and how to heal from it.
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maybe you experienced all three at the same time or in three different periods of your life.
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And man, I don't even, honestly don't even think I have to tell you.
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I think you already know, but these three things have such a larger impact than what you could even imagine.
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And this is exactly what we're going to cover today because when I say that the enemy uses these three things, these are footholds for the enemy to have a hold over you and to be invited in and to create so much chaos in your life.
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That's exactly what these three things do.
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So we're going to cover what unforgiveness, what shame and rejection are, how you know you are living with it in your life today, and then how to break free from each one individually.
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You definitely want to grab your journal for this one, okay? Let's go ahead and get to it.
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Hey beautiful! Welcome to the Heal from Toxic Relationships podcast.
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Are you ready to break free from toxic relationship patterns and fully embrace a life filled with confidence, joy, and purpose? Do you find yourself questioning your self worth and wondering what God's plan for your life is? Or maybe you deeply fear being alone and struggle with the lack of boundaries due to your people pleasing tendencies.
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Well, sis, you're not alone.
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I've been there, too.
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Hey, I'm Dani, a Christian life coach, wife, recovering people pleaser, And a total girl's girl.
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For 10 years, I was stuck in a cycle of toxic, non committed relationships, and searching for my worth in men, my accomplishments, and the praise of other people.
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Until I found out how to heal my past emotional wounds with Christ at the center.
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In this podcast, you will find faith based healing tools, confidence building tips, and healthy relationship skills so that you become a God fearing, confident woman who attracts your husband while walking in your purpose with God.
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Grab your favorite mocktail and pop in the AirPods.
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It's time to overshare and overcome these obstacles together, one step at a time.
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I can't even contain my excitement! There is something so exciting that's going to be coming soon, very, very soon, in February, but not quite ready to announce it yet.
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We are finalizing a few things, but if you want to make sure that you are, here when I announce it, when we launch it, go ahead and come join the free community.
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And the free community is so much more than just staying up to date with new things that happen This is where you can get resources to help you in your healing journey Where you can have a community and get support and then ask your follow up questions after you listen to the training So if you have questions or a personal Experience and situation that you want to workshop.
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This is the perfect place to get some support from me for free It's just a way of giving back to say, I appreciate you for being a listener and I just really want to help you through the topics that we discuss all throughout the podcast.
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I know how tough it can be going through the healing journey on your own, figuring out life on your own, your next steps.
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And I just want to be able to provide as much support as possible to you with where you are in this whole process.
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So you can join the community over at wop.
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com forward slash the healing circle.
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That's wop w h o p.
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com slash the healing circle.
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on your toes because I have a feeling this is gonna be something that Is gonna be so beneficial for you, and I can't wait until we're ready to announce it Okay, you know, when thinking about a time in my life when I was experiencing any of these, unforgiveness, shame, rejection, and I have many moments when I've felt so much shame from a sin that I committed or not giving to someone that was asking for money on the side of the road.
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And at this point, you know, you guys probably already know about the abortion that I had and how I carried a ton of shame from that.
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And if you don't, if this is your first time hearing about that, I share all about it in one of the very first episodes of the show.
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I believe it's episode 2 or 3, so you can scroll down to listen to it if that's something that interests you.
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But I want to talk about more of like a recent like happening this year, when I had like this moment of shame.
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The shame that I experienced, it led to me having unforgiveness towards myself.
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It was really hard to forgive myself for the thing that I did.
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And the reason that I did the thing, it was because I was fearful of being rejected.
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So, it was kind of an interesting way of including all three of these aspects.
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Um, and so, I want to share with you, this was, I was out traveling with a family member and I felt pressure to dress a certain way.
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And I knew that I shouldn't have.
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Um, I knew that what I was putting on my body was not glorifying the lord.
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It was this swimsuit and I knew I was going to be around like not just women and I I chose to put it on it wasn't one that I I brought a family member to She loaned it to me.
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It was one of hers.
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And you know, I felt, I felt sexy in it.
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I was like, wow, this looks really good.
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But I knew that it was not covering all enough.
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It was not covering all the things that I needed to cover.
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And I knew that, okay, this is not what God would want me to wear, but I walked out of that room and wore it anyway.
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And that was something that I dwelled on for So long after, like a week or two after, it kept coming up, and I felt so ashamed, because it was like, Danielle, you knew better.
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Like, these voices in my head, like, you knew better.
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Like, you've been walking with the Lord for three years, like, you, you talk about this, like, you know God has called you to be more modest, and, you knew better.
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Why would you fall into that? Like, that is such a, that is such a dumb thing to fall into.
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Right and it made me question my relationship with god and my integrity and like my faith And I remember, you know, I I was like, I need to tell my friend about this because I This is really like this is harming me.
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This is eating me up I cried about it and that might sound silly to some but I just really felt just a lot of shame from it And so I remember I called my friend I told her and she was so She was so kind.
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her words are so gentle and with truth.
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And I remember her telling me, she said, Don't let this break you.
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You know who you are.
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God loves you.
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Maybe it wasn't what you needed to wear, but don't let that break you.
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This doesn't define your relationship with God.
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It doesn't define you.
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And she actually switched the perspective to tell me how beautiful it is that you're feeling this conviction from the Lord, even about this.
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Like you're, you're feeling, pain by this and as you're reflecting on it, and that just speaks levels to your relationship with God.
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And that was what I needed to hear.
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I needed my friend in that moment.
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I needed those words to drown out what the enemy was telling me.
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And so I understand shame.
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I understand the weight of rejection and being wounded by rejection.
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So that way you're afraid to be rejected, in the future.
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And I understand what it's like to hold unforgiveness towards yourself and towards other people.
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And so now I want to hopefully bring some awareness to you if you are walking around with this secret pain inside and you are afraid to tell anybody about it or you know, no one is there to speak that life into you.
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And that maybe you're at a place where you're not really sure if you are walking around with these things and you want to know so that way you can flush these things out of you and get them out of your heart.
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This is exactly what we're going to talk about today.
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first up, going big, talking about unforgiveness.
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Now I'm sure you've heard unforgiveness talked about as having unforgiveness is like drinking poison yourself and expecting the other person to die.
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It is literally poison to your soul.
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And unforgiveness comes after an offense has taken place.
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And so what the offense does to us it slashes through our, our defenses, and hurts us in that moment.
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But the aftermath, what happens after the offense is unforgiveness.
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That, that creeps in and that takes over your heart.
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It gets stuck there.
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You get stuck in unforgiveness.
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And so when unforgiveness gets stuck in you, it totally taints your thoughts and clouds your vision.
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I want to read you Proverbs 18, 19, because when I heard this, it was crazy to me.
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It says, A brother offended is harder to win than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a castle.
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So think, think about this.
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Think about a city surrounded by walls.
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The wall's purpose, of course, is to protect the city, and we use the same thinking to try to protect ourselves by placing walls around our hearts.
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And, you know, it's because, okay, well this person may have hurt me once, but we're not gonna allow them to do that again.
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And so you putting up these walls, thinking that it's going to help you, but it actually, it hurts you.
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Because the truth is, God never meant for, for you to protect yourself.
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That is His responsibility.
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Because when we have these walls around our hearts, We're not only like protecting or trying to protecting ourselves from pain and rejection But we keep ourselves from experiencing love and life giving relationships And so unforgiveness honestly is like you are you are putting over your your control and your power into the hands of somebody else Who doesn't even know that they have the power over you? Because your peace of mind, your ability to love, your ability to receive love is all in the hands of this other person that you are choosing to not forgive.
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And I know this is going to be hard for a lot of people, very hard step, but it's probably one of the most freeing steps you can take in your walk with Christ.
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Forgiveness is not a suggestion from God.
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It's a command from him.
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And it's a command from him because he knows that on the other side of forgiveness is freedom.
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It's for our benefit.
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Ephesians 4 31 through 32 tells us to forgive.
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it tells us to get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger and harsh words and slander.
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And tells us to be kind and tender hearted to one another, forgiving each other just as we have been forgiven.
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And we can have a talk about forgiveness often.
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We can have a whole episode on this, but I want to give you some, some action steps on how to forgive.
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So this is stuff you can do daily, right? And forgiveness is a daily decision.
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If you have to forgive the same person over and over and over again, every time like the offense comes up and unforgiveness or like hurt tries to come up, you just have to choose forgiveness.
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And something freeing is that You don't have to even feel like you've forgiven them.
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You just continue to make the decision to forgive, and your feelings will follow.
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Your choices lead, you choose to forgive, and your feelings will eventually follow.
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And so, here's what forgiveness looks like in action.
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Step number one, you want to pray for people who have offended you.
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Matthew 5, 43 through 44 tells us, To pray for those who persecute us.
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Pray for our enemies.
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So, what do we do? We believe that what he's telling us is for our own benefit, because it is.
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And then we follow.
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So pray for people who have offended you.
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Number two, bless people who have offended you.
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Because Luke 6, 27 through 28 tells us to go that extra mile.
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And two, do good to those that we hate.
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And you may not hate this person, but you're hurt by them.
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So they can be considered an enemy to you.
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They're an enemy to your soul.
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So bless them and bless just means speak well of, use your words to uplift them even when they're not in the room.
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And then number three, do good to people who have offended you.
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And so instead of repaying evil for evil, you make the decision to only do good to others.
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And this, my friends, is what sets you apart.
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This is the life of a Christian woman.
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So I'm not gonna lie, this step definitely requires a different, it requires a change of thinking on your part.
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And so I want you to, like your actions up here, I want you to journal, And ask yourself, are there any people in your life that you have not released the Lord and that you're trying to get revenge for their offense? And then allow the Lord to allow names to come up for you.
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Write those names down and then pray, pray for that person and ask God to help you forgive them, confess that you have held on to this unforgiveness, confess that to the Lord and ask Him to set you free from it.
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And if you are someone who is struggling to forgive yourself, episode 69 goes deeper into how to start forgiving yourself.
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Now let's move into talking about shame.
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Shame, makes us afraid to turn to God and allow Him to search us.
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It makes us feel like we, we have to hide.
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We have to hide what we've done because we have this intense feeling that we're unworthy now.
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We're unworthy of love and acceptance.
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Which makes, which causes us to live in this shame, and this may help you because sharing the difference between shame and guilt because these two go hand in hand and we kind of get them mixed up.
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Guilt is about what we have done.
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Guilt says, okay, I made a mistake, right? You have this guilt feeling that which leads you to identify, okay, I've made a mistake.
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So guilt's not bad.
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What's bad is when that guilt turns to shame and now because of that guilt and because we have made a mistake, we now label ourselves as guilty.
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Based off of that mistake and now instead of saying, I made a mistake, we say, I am a mistake.
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We make that thing part of our identity or affect our identity.
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and this is really a perspective shift that I want you to have.
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And you must know that shame has to do with God, not us, because, If you can see that God is actually a loving God, it will make you run to Him.
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So when you're feeling shame, the answer does not lie within you, it lies within the Lord.
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When we know how loving our God is, it will allow us to run into His arms.
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Not how good we are, how good our God is.
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So I want you to really meditate on that truth and this is going to help you move away from shame.
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If you are questioning if you're living with shame, I want to share some ways you know.
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If you feel like you have to be the one to fix things, If you feel like you're not good enough, that you'll never be good enough.
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If you struggle with the same sin.
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That shame is what pulls us back into committing the same sin over and over again.
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It's the shame.
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If you find yourself saying sorry over and over and over again, this is an indication you are living with some shame.
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If you state things like, Ugh, I always fill in the blank.
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Oh, I never fill in the blank.
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If you have this inkling, this desire and belief that you must fix things with works, you possibly are living with shame.
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If you have this inability to be honest, you have this deep insecurity, if your identity is in your sin or mental illness, This is indications that you may be living with shame.
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And then, a big one, if you play videos in your mind over and over and over again, you possibly are carrying shame from the thing that you did back then, in that moment.
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Okay? If you identify with any of those, then this would be a good time to say a prayer to release that shame.
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And I want to give you some hope, right? And some, and some truth here.
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Because the truth is what's going to set you free.
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I want you to know that being a Christ follower is about what has already been done.
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Okay? It's about what's been done already.
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It's not about what you can do for God.
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It's not what a Christ follower, it's not what it's about.
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And what shame does, it robs our ability to change because when we live in this shame, we commit a sin, we feel guilty, it turns into shame, we live in that shame, we dwell in that shame, it pulls us back to do the same sin over and over again because now guess what? It's part of your identity.
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And when you identify with something, with something that you've done, with an action, you go back to do that same action.
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Take a smoker for example.
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Say you're trying to quit smoking and you've identified with smoking forever and then you quit, right, you're trying really hard in your own strength to get out of that, out of the smoking and you fall back into it and instead of going to God, asking Him for forgiveness and like really moving into His hope that He gives you freely you tell yourself, Oh my gosh, I fell again.
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I can't believe I did that.
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I'm, I'm, I'm a smoker.
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I'm a failure.
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It's going to pull you back to smoking.
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I want to share with you second Corinthians 3 16 to 18, but whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away.
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Now the Lord is the spirit and where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom and we all who With unveiled faces contemplate the Lord's glory are being transformed into his image with ever increasing glory Which comes from the Lord who is the Spirit? We live with the Spirit of God and where the Spirit of God is there is freedom That freedom is already yours.
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You just have to claim it.
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You just have to take it Now I want to share with you how to get freedom from shame You first have to let go of what you are hiding.
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Bring what you are hiding into the light.
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I was just reading in, in, um, in 2 Samuel today about David's biggest sin with Bathsheba and then murdering her husband.
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he talked about in, in his Psalms that he was concealing his transgression.
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He was concealing his sin and he was rotting from the inside out.
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He was living with shame.
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Didn't turn to God.
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And when he did decide to turn to God, He confessed that sin to God.
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God then covered that sin.
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Because guess what? God's truth stays the same.
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His love covers a multitude of sins.
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So when we confess it, we bring it to the light.
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It'll actually be covered by the Lord who can truly cover it and give us a peace and a freedom from that thing.
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So you let go what you were hiding and then you believe the truth of God and you receive acceptance.
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So believe what 2 Corinthians 3 16 through 18 states.
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Believe that truth that you, that freedom is yours and receive that acceptance that God freely gives you.
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He loves you so much.
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No matter what you've done You can't make him love you less Now finally talking about rejection take some deep breaths, I know we've talked about a lot we've gotten deep today already Talking about rejection.
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I want you before we talk about this I want you to close your eyes if you're able to And I want you to imagine yourself walking in a room to meet jesus Just imagine that right now And take notice of what you feel.
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What do you feel when you are walking to meet with Jesus? Do you feel accepted? Do you feel loved? Or do you feel like He is disappointed in you? Like He's rejecting you? This will tell you, this will give you a gauge as to your view.
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of God.
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Okay? Is he a loving God or a condemning God? Does he accept you or does he reject you? This is showing and exposing what you believe about God.
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And I want you to know the truth because the truth is that God created you to be loved by Him you were God's work.
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You were His masterpiece.
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You were His handiwork.
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And he doesn't reject his work you were not created for rejection.
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You were not created, you were never meant to be rejected.
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When we were born, we were automatically separated from God because of sin.
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We start at this deficit because of the curse of sin.
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So we have to force ourselves and to meditate on the truth, not of what the enemy in the God of this world is trying to get us to believe his truth.
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Okay? So we're already having to battle and fight.
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Are we going to live in this tree of life or are we going to live in this tree of, of the knowledge of good and evil? Because now we know, right? When Adam and Eve, in the garden, they didn't know that they were naked at first.
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They didn't have all this, this knowledge, right? But then once they did, they saw their imperfections.
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They, they started feeling shame and needed to cover themselves.
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Right.
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and they started to believe that God would reject them.
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So we're automatically born into, born into this world at a deficit.
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and so we have to force ourselves to be in agreement with the truth, which is God does not reject us.
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And so I want you to know that you have a control and a choice of what to believe and what you choose to believe is going to determine your future.
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So how do you actually overcome rejection? You first want to expose the rejection.
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And rejection can come in through parents, it can be generationally passed down, it can come in through different life events, or even your demographics.
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Like, based off of race, religion, uh, your beliefs, your gender.
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rejection can be invited in through those aspects.
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And so you must expose the rejection What's the rejection wound and then too you must reject it reject it by not believing the lie you believe that you're not buying into that lie anymore.
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That's how you reject it And then three, you have to believe it.
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You have to believe the truth.
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So you join in with God because this is what he already wants for you.
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He wants you to be free from the wound of rejection.
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Isaiah 41 9 says, I took you from the ends of the earth from the farthest corners.
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I called you.
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I said, you are my servant.
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I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
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That is the truth.
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Anything that's combating that is a lie from the enemy.
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So expose it, reject it, and then believe it.
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Okay, so we covered so much in this episode.
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Um, so, quickly, we've talked about unforgiveness, how it is actually trapping you and not the other person.
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And to combat that, you want to pray, bless, and do good to your enemies.
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Secondly, we talked about shame.
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The difference between guilt and shame that shame is a label that we've given ourselves and that when we Can focus on who god is It will free us from shame and bring what we're hiding into the light Which then at that point the lord can cover what we bring to the light And then finally rejection That words are curses and we've been walking around with these curses over us.
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And we have the power to take control and decide what we want to believe for our future.
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Now, if any of these resonated with you, I would love to hear some feedback.
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I would love to hear which one really hit home for you.
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Was it all three? Is it one that you're really struggling with? Or maybe the Lord set you free in this episode.
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I'd love to hear.
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So please share whatever it is that's on your heart over in the free community.
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You can join at wop.
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com forward slash the healing circle.
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That's wop w h o p.
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com slash the healing circle.
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I can't wait until we hang out again.
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I hope you have the best week.
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I'll see you back here, same time, same place, next week.
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Bye.
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Hey, beautiful.
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I hope you loved hanging with me today and enjoyed the episode.
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If so, would you take just 30 seconds and share it with someone you love who may also want to heal from past relationships and love themselves again? Also, please scroll down and leave a quick written review for the show on Apple podcasts.
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This is the main way we can get this message out to our girlfriends all around the world.
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And it also just really blesses me to know and hear how this podcast is helping you.
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Okay.
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I need to get out of my sleds and get ready for date night.
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I'll meet you back here on Monday for another episode, sending you all the love until next time.