February 17, 2025 • 23 mins
Hi beautiful! ♥️
Have you ever felt like your self-worth is tied to making others happy? Like no matter how much you try to set boundaries, you end up saying “yes” when you really mean “no”? If you’ve ever struggled with people-pleasing, this episode is going to be a wake-up call.
Today, we’re talking about why people-pleasing keeps your self-worth at risk and what you can do to break free. I’m sharing the hard truth (from a recovering people-pleaser 🙋🏻♀️) that this habit isn’t just exhausting—it’s actually holding you back from stepping fully into who God created you to be.
Sis, if you’re tired of overthinking what people think of you, feeling drained by constantly putting others first, and ready to reclaim your confidence—this is for YOU.
Grab your journal, let’s do this!
Xo, Dani
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
.999Do I have permission to hit you with a hard truth this early? And it coming from a recovering people pleaser, this isn't easy to say, but one of the biggest reasons you have low self worth is because you are being a people pleaser. 2 00:00:16,829.999 --> 00:00:28,939.999 And I'm not saying you are one because I don't want to label you as that, but you struggle with people pleasing and it's keeping you from living your life as fully you. 3 00:00:29,354.832211233 --> 00:00:40,94.832211233 So if you know I'm talking to you, keep listening, because I'm gonna explain why you gotta get out of the people pleasing tendencies if you want to have strong self worth. 4 00:00:40,552.490209955 --> 00:00:43,952.491209955 If you're not ready, it's too late! Here we go. 5 00:00:44,323.25957346 --> 00:00:49,363.25957346 Hey beautiful! Welcome to the Heal from Toxic Relationships podcast. 6 00:00:49,483.25957346 --> 00:01:12,183.25957346 Are you ready to break free from toxic relationship patterns and fully embrace a life filled with confidence, joy, and purpose? Do you find yourself questioning your self worth and wondering what God's plan for your life is? Or maybe you deeply fear being alone and struggle with the lack of boundaries due to your people pleasing tendencies. 7 00:01:12,233.25857346 --> 00:01:13,773.25857346 Well, sis, you're not alone. 8 00:01:13,843.259573461 --> 00:01:14,973.25957346 I've been there, too. 9 00:01:15,83.25957346 --> 00:01:22,253.25957346 Hey, I'm Dani, a Christian life coach, wife, recovering people pleaser, And a total girl's girl. 10 00:01:22,373.259573461 --> 00:01:33,513.25957346 For 10 years, I was stuck in a cycle of toxic, non committed relationships, and searching for my worth in men, my accomplishments, and the praise of other people. 11 00:01:33,553.25957346 --> 00:01:39,83.25957346 Until I found out how to heal my past emotional wounds with Christ at the center. 12 00:01:39,248.25957346 --> 00:01:54,428.25957346 In this podcast, you will find faith based healing tools, confidence building tips, and healthy relationship skills so that you become a God fearing, confident woman who attracts your husband while walking in your purpose with God. 13 00:01:54,568.25857346 --> 00:01:57,538.25957346 Grab your favorite mocktail and pop in the AirPods. 14 00:01:57,668.25957346 --> 00:02:03,688.25957346 It's time to overshare and overcome these obstacles together, one step at a time. 15 00:02:04,227.07407889 --> 00:02:10,217.07407889 Sister, listen, healing from emotional wounds does not have to be overwhelming. 16 00:02:10,527.07407889 --> 00:02:13,617.07407889 You don't have to carry around your trauma. 17 00:02:13,817.07407889 --> 00:02:23,997.07407889 You don't have to figure it out all on your own, spend years and years and years in therapy, or keep pushing down the pain, ignoring it, hoping that it'll just go away. 18 00:02:24,427.07407889 --> 00:02:29,807.07407889 Or even kind of worse than all that, just relying on time to be your healer. 19 00:02:29,990.63771525 --> 00:02:47,562.76398798 In my free live training, how to heal emotional wounds and break free from your past God's way I'm going to show you a simple and biblically based framework that makes healing practical and accessible to you no matter where you currently find yourself. 20 00:02:48,72.76398798 --> 00:03:02,202.76398798 You're going to learn how to identify and release the lies holding you back, rebuild your confidence in the rock, in Christ, and step into God's purpose for your life because I hear that's what a lot of you ladies are really needing. 21 00:03:02,394.15519542 --> 00:03:06,164.15519542 And this is all without the complicated and overwhelming steps. 22 00:03:06,474.15519542 --> 00:03:19,324.00837199 This is what actually gives you freedom from, if we're honest, those demons, right? That the things that the enemy is using as strongholds over your life that have come from your trauma. 23 00:03:19,556.23846049 --> 00:03:24,746.23846049 You don't need all the fancy therapists or wait to feel better when you are back in church. 24 00:03:25,16.23846049 --> 00:03:31,226.23846049 Like this is something that you can bring right into your home, right where you are, right now. 25 00:03:31,316.23846049 --> 00:03:33,626.23846049 Go ahead and head to lovedanny. 26 00:03:33,656.23846049 --> 00:03:36,76.23846049 org forward slash V Day workshop. 27 00:03:36,276.23846049 --> 00:03:37,796.23846049 That's love Danny. 28 00:03:37,816.23846049 --> 00:03:39,676.23746049 Danny spelled D A N I. 29 00:03:40,126.23746049 --> 00:03:45,327.22032477 org forward slash V Day workshop let's make this easy for once. 30 00:03:45,534.19475659 --> 00:03:49,24.19375659 I got you, I'm actually holding my hand and I'm bringing you along with me. 31 00:03:49,190.04128594 --> 00:03:52,510.04128594 I promise you, you got this, and I got you. 32 00:03:53,48.35246726 --> 00:03:58,328.35246726 I mean, if we're just going to be real, I've been a people pleaser for most of my life. 33 00:03:58,368.35246726 --> 00:04:01,18.35246726 At least the part of my life that I can remember. 34 00:04:01,488.35246726 --> 00:04:14,228.35246726 But I really want to share with you the moment that I realized that my people pleasing weakness was the thing that was not only impacting my self worth, but disturbing my peace. 35 00:04:14,508.35246726 --> 00:04:16,48.35246726 so badly. 36 00:04:16,418.35246726 --> 00:04:27,438.35146726 I mean, I literally remember having to go to therapy when I was, I think like 11 or 12 because my stomach hurt so bad because I was so worried about other people. 37 00:04:27,987.50224067 --> 00:04:32,497.50224067 And it looks, you know, a little different moving into my adult life. 38 00:04:32,587.50324067 --> 00:04:36,867.50324067 But I have this one moment where things just kind of clicked for me. 39 00:04:37,91.20655467 --> 00:04:46,401.20655467 I remember when a good friend of mine was actually upset with me, and she was kind of like a good friend slash mentor life coach type of friend. 40 00:04:46,751.20655467 --> 00:04:48,891.20655467 Very, I very much value her friendship. 41 00:04:49,501.20655467 --> 00:04:59,361.20655467 And she expressed her thoughts of me, something that I said made her upset, and it sent me into a absolute frantic state. 42 00:04:59,891.20655467 --> 00:05:01,891.20655467 Like, abnormal frantic state. 43 00:05:02,251.83661755 --> 00:05:11,861.83661755 and it made me start to question my value, and I was so hyper obsessed with fixing it because I didn't want her upset with me. 44 00:05:12,208.05243359 --> 00:05:17,478.05243359 Long story short, everything ended up fine and she's still one of my really best friends. 45 00:05:17,848.05243359 --> 00:05:27,228.05243359 But after that experience was when I realized that I gave people far too much control over my peace and over my thoughts about myself. 46 00:05:28,38.05243359 --> 00:05:36,148.05243359 And if you've clicked on this episode, my guess is that you feel similar, or you might be like, girl, you were talking right to me, like I feel the exact same way. 47 00:05:36,558.05143359 --> 00:05:44,238.05143359 So I'm gonna share why people pleasing affects your self worth, so you're motivated to put an end to it. 48 00:05:44,588.05243359 --> 00:05:47,68.05243359 Because, good news? You can. 49 00:05:47,687.02838281 --> 00:06:20,497.02838281 So, The reason so one of the reasons why your self worth is always at risk as a people pleaser is Because as a people pleaser your top motivator is to please other people no matter the cost So what this means is is if doing something to please somebody to make them happy You're all for it You know, you want to avoid the confrontation, conflict, and even having a difference of opinions. 50 00:06:20,817.02838281 --> 00:06:33,987.02838281 So, you might be finding yourself not having any strong opinions or you just never voice them because you're afraid of what other people are going to think of you for having XYZ opinions. 51 00:06:34,740.67602279 --> 00:06:49,478.23023045 And so when you have this as your motivator, You are actually less authentic because you're worried about what other people think of you, how they perceive you, and if your actions align with the person that they believe that you are. 52 00:06:49,973.23023045 --> 00:06:58,693.23023045 This is taking up the majority of space in your mind and it's leading you to make inauthentic decisions. 53 00:06:58,943.23023045 --> 00:07:05,833.23023045 It's making you, day after day, if this is your top priority, you're losing sight of who you are and what makes you you. 54 00:07:06,730.00017257 --> 00:07:10,800.00117257 And I'm probably hitting home for you right now, and trust me, I've been there. 55 00:07:11,300.00117257 --> 00:07:15,840.00117257 So in reality, it's like other people control who you are and what you do. 56 00:07:16,184.97986673 --> 00:07:17,434.97986673 And essentially, your entire life. 57 00:07:18,209.57705133 --> 00:07:26,829.57705133 And when that's the case, it diminishes your confidence, distorts your value, and keeps picking at your self worth. 58 00:07:27,181.85905343 --> 00:07:34,356.85905343 And you're probably wondering why you people please use even though it annoys you that you do it. 59 00:07:34,611.37071192 --> 00:07:42,211.37071192 Well, a few reasons you're a people pleaser can be because one, it's your way of being seen and valued. 60 00:07:42,630.3630271 --> 00:07:44,30.3630271 It's where you get your value from. 61 00:07:44,630.3630271 --> 00:07:50,100.3630271 Two, you have a need to be externally accepted and validated. 62 00:07:50,310.3630271 --> 00:07:54,460.45915618 Your validation comes from other people, not from God. 63 00:07:55,120.45915618 --> 00:07:55,490.45915618 Okay. 64 00:07:56,65.59914446 --> 00:07:56,575.59914446 Three. 65 00:07:56,955.59914446 --> 00:07:59,85.59914446 You have just deep insecurity. 66 00:07:59,735.59914446 --> 00:08:07,225.59914446 You worry that people won't like you if you don't go above and beyond or always say yes, or if you're not agreeable. 67 00:08:07,531.90290159 --> 00:08:26,569.36669178 You have this insecurity that links with this Over obsession with wanting people to like you and that right there just goes against the word of god alone I had to come to a realization to say not everybody is gonna like me and that is okay Whenever I see a bad review does it hurt my feelings a little bit. 68 00:08:27,349.36669178 --> 00:08:31,49.36669178 I mean It does do something inside of me It does. 69 00:08:31,49.36669178 --> 00:08:32,949.36669178 And it's not something positive. 70 00:08:32,959.36669178 --> 00:08:41,138.92256866 Like I can feel it affect me, but I choose to not allow it to become truth within me because I know the truth. 71 00:08:41,623.27173799 --> 00:08:43,243.27073799 You're not going to be everybody's cup of tea. 72 00:08:43,627.97601384 --> 00:08:44,397.97601384 And that's okay. 73 00:08:44,447.97601384 --> 00:08:45,447.97601384 Jesus wasn't either. 74 00:08:45,667.97601384 --> 00:09:02,488.74086876 So how can you expect to be? And another thing here is I kind of, what, what helps me here in shifting this, I had to realize is that if I am everybody's cup of tea, that's probably not the greatest place to be. 75 00:09:02,843.11870629 --> 00:09:03,823.11870629 because think about it. 76 00:09:04,82.94095126 --> 00:09:05,621.1303001 mean, if you don't stand for anything. 77 00:09:05,849.43106427 --> 00:09:13,829.43106427 Like, if your, if your foundation is sandy, it's not, it's not solid on something that is deeply rooted within you. 78 00:09:14,106.60481561 --> 00:09:16,276.60481561 You're gonna just, you're gonna fall for anything. 79 00:09:16,276.60481561 --> 00:09:21,742.54910198 You're gonna fall for things that are not aligned with the, the woman that God has created you to be. 80 00:09:21,843.32980789 --> 00:09:30,803.32980789 the fourth reason could be because this is a learned behavior due to a toxic relationship or a traumatic experience. 81 00:09:31,113.32980789 --> 00:09:44,675.54533895 So you lean into people pleasing to avoid Discomfort, to avoid a toxic environment or conversation, to avoid triggering a negative response in someone else. 82 00:09:45,17.82845357 --> 00:09:47,27.82845357 So this is super huge. 83 00:09:47,440.41385341 --> 00:09:57,440.41385341 And in this case, you're probably also hesitant on bringing up things that bother you because of the fear of what the other person's response is going to be. 84 00:09:57,720.41385341 --> 00:10:03,70.31385341 And this is so detrimental in relationships because I know firsthand, right? Okay. 85 00:10:03,360.41385341 --> 00:10:13,160.41385341 My thing is that I'm working on is I've been afraid to ask for help and it's just with my husband, which is so weird because I'm afraid of bothering him. 86 00:10:13,160.41385341 --> 00:10:14,550.41285341 I'm afraid of disturbing him. 87 00:10:14,560.41385341 --> 00:10:15,880.41385341 I'm afraid of his response. 88 00:10:16,400.41385341 --> 00:10:18,800.41385341 He hasn't given me a reason to feel that way. 89 00:10:19,70.41385341 --> 00:10:24,210.41285341 So it's, it's, we all have things that we're kind of working through and it shows up in certain situations. 90 00:10:24,493.48695334 --> 00:10:31,618.19091573 So you may be falling into this in certain relationships or in certain arenas of life and not all of them. 91 00:10:31,885.20392804 --> 00:10:43,955.20392804 if this is something, a habit of yours that you are doing, if you are hesitant on bringing up things that bother you and being expressive and, and communicating, do yourself a favor and come join the free workshop. 92 00:10:44,175.20392804 --> 00:10:52,755.20392804 It's going to help you put an end to that because we're focusing on healing emotional wounds, building Christ rooted confidence, and moving forward in purpose. 93 00:10:52,938.15576639 --> 00:10:55,538.15576639 Yes, we're covering all three, so you've got to be there. 94 00:10:56,82.71168841 --> 00:11:02,42.71168841 And the fifth reason may be you just low key have some perfectionism within you. 95 00:11:02,326.91721129 --> 00:11:13,884.15616338 and so if you do, you have this belief that everything in your life must be perfect because if it's not perfect, then it's a failure, or it makes you feel like a failure or bad about yourself. 96 00:11:14,334.15716338 --> 00:11:19,244.15716338 And this also includes what other people think of you or how they feel about you. 97 00:11:19,454.15716338 --> 00:11:23,374.15716338 If things aren't going perfect in your world, it creates angst. 98 00:11:23,574.15716338 --> 00:11:29,46.30102954 So if you tend to be a perfectionist, this people pleasing can be related to that. 99 00:11:29,340.83559634 --> 00:11:49,175.20843406 Now the big question is, how do you stop this? I mean, this is, this is going to take layers of just coaching and reflection to get past this, because if you're at this point, you have really strong people pleasing tendencies, that are stemming from a past situation. 100 00:11:49,606.15668542 --> 00:12:14,690.06470779 Maybe words that were spoken to you by parents, something in your childhood, an experience, Something that was an identifier to you, criticism, and so it's going to take, like, how you break out of this is honestly coaching or therapy or, being able to sit and dig deep into why why you care so much about what other people think about you. 101 00:12:15,290.03456541 --> 00:12:26,110.03406541 Right, you just have to answer that question And things that helped me and this is still something like i've come a long way But it's still something that I can fall into. 102 00:12:26,110.03406541 --> 00:12:33,960.03456541 I just know the tools now to overcome it in those moments So a couple of them is like literally speaking to myself. 103 00:12:34,150.03456541 --> 00:12:44,229.04967544 I have to remind myself what is true because the word of god says The truth sets you free And what is the truth? The truth is literally Jesus. 104 00:12:44,440.90711916 --> 00:12:47,90.90711916 Jesus is the word come to life. 105 00:12:47,858.37727006 --> 00:12:56,65.22587857 And so, if we look at what the word of God says about you, and you remind yourself of that, this is going to help so much. 106 00:12:56,105.22587857 --> 00:12:59,605.22587857 When you're in that moment and you're like, Okay, I really want to say no. 107 00:13:00,49.15478361 --> 00:13:02,449.15478361 I really don't have the bandwidth to do this, to say yes to this. 108 00:13:02,995.6247196 --> 00:13:08,75.6247196 but I am afraid to say no because of, label the fear. 109 00:13:08,542.49729134 --> 00:13:10,522.49729134 I'm afraid they're not gonna like, like me anymore. 110 00:13:10,742.49729134 --> 00:13:12,172.49729134 I'm afraid that they're gonna judge me. 111 00:13:12,629.50475372 --> 00:13:16,329.50475372 Okay, combating that, I mean, who can judge? God is my judge. 112 00:13:16,559.50575372 --> 00:13:27,532.87665067 And so what if you, if you get judged or condemned? I think it's honestly comes to a point least what has helped me, is knowing my purpose. 113 00:13:28,212.87665067 --> 00:13:33,82.98402503 Knowing that I am here to honor my God. 114 00:13:33,586.0559302 --> 00:13:39,543.06439258 And whatever He, like, I submit my tongue to Him, my life to Him. 115 00:13:39,883.06339258 --> 00:13:44,103.06439258 And whatever He wants me to say, I am going to do my best to say. 116 00:13:44,153.06439258 --> 00:13:52,618.06439258 Whatever He wants me not to say or leans to not walk in, I I'm going to do my best to walk in obedience to what he has for me or doesn't have for me. 117 00:13:53,38.06439258 --> 00:14:02,86.54095739 So I know that's a kind of a layered and I've shared different ideas here, but I really think it just comes down to an identity issue at the end of the day. 118 00:14:02,417.81164181 --> 00:14:07,559.3386334 Because what, when you have a people pleasing tendency, it's just a fear of something. 119 00:14:07,821.60449746 --> 00:14:09,91.60349746 And fear is demonic. 120 00:14:09,461.91738241 --> 00:14:10,821.91738241 Fear is not of God. 121 00:14:11,217.10284649 --> 00:14:17,777.10284649 Fear is there to steal your, your sense of purpose, your confidence, and your identity. 122 00:14:18,207.10284649 --> 00:14:23,427.1028465 The enemy does not want you to walk in what God has already ordained and planned and anointed you for. 123 00:14:23,849.15276841 --> 00:14:26,369.15276841 What's he gonna use? He's gonna use fear. 124 00:14:26,838.47554168 --> 00:14:35,503.47554168 So, So, I would say where to start is going to the Word of God and start writing down scriptures that speak into who you are. 125 00:14:36,383.47554168 --> 00:14:43,764.53889984 So this way, when you have this desire to people please come up, it with what is true. 126 00:14:44,39.01240434 --> 00:14:53,153.83254791 And I mean, the oldest trick in the book is just like, okay, what's the worst that can happen? What's the worst that can happen, and what's the best that can happen? I do this to myself all the time. 127 00:14:53,163.83254791 --> 00:14:58,613.83254791 Well, what's really the worst that can happen? Why why am I really what am I really scared of? Okay, cool. 128 00:14:58,743.83254791 --> 00:15:09,363.73633294 It might be bad, but it's not it's not worse than the best thing that can come from it also want to give you a more practical way to stop the people pleasing. 129 00:15:09,763.73633294 --> 00:15:12,563.73633294 And that is through assertive communication. 130 00:15:12,686.43854499 --> 00:15:25,346.43854499 And what assertive communication is, is the ability to express your needs, your desires, your rights, your boundaries in a respectful and effective way. 131 00:15:25,809.51814949 --> 00:15:29,609.51814949 It's just a very neutral way of speaking, very neutral and direct. 132 00:15:29,719.51814949 --> 00:15:36,559.51714949 So that way you get your, what you need to say across the other person in a very healthy and respectful way. 133 00:15:36,893.33338785 --> 00:15:45,906.16312958 And the reason this helps people pleasing is because when you do think about the moments where you're people pleasing, you're afraid to speak your mind. 134 00:15:45,946.16312958 --> 00:15:49,746.16312958 You're afraid to speak up for yourself and to share what you're actually thinking. 135 00:15:50,6.16312958 --> 00:15:56,271.89086944 And so this comes down to communicating what's going on within you so you don't fall into people pleasing. 136 00:15:56,301.89086944 --> 00:16:10,594.51641689 Okay? You don't fall into the action because you're taking note of what's going on internally Then proceeding with a response that's aligned with who you are and your purpose and what God has you doing in this particular season. 137 00:16:10,952.26281272 --> 00:16:12,782.26281272 So how you do this, some tips. 138 00:16:12,958.95751792 --> 00:16:17,128.95751792 You just have to first know that you're not obligated to answer anyone. 139 00:16:17,388.95751792 --> 00:16:24,788.95751792 I think the first time someone, I heard this from somebody and it took repetition, man, because I just felt like I needed to answer every single text message. 140 00:16:24,788.95751792 --> 00:16:26,568.95751792 I needed to answer every single question. 141 00:16:26,818.95651792 --> 00:16:32,882.73101655 I need to answer everybody because I felt like it was rude not to answer, but know that you're not awful. 142 00:16:32,892.73101655 --> 00:16:35,922.73101655 You don't owe anybody anything. 143 00:16:36,323.85156574 --> 00:16:43,703.8515657 I mean, unless you actually do owe somebody something, right? Like if you guys made an exchange or a promise to somebody, then that's something different. 144 00:16:44,3.8515657 --> 00:16:53,577.2977014 But on a regular degular basis, you're not obligated to answer to anyone nor to answer a question until it's time. 145 00:16:53,577.2977014 --> 00:17:00,415.7350236 When we face Jesus face to face on judgment day, you're gonna answer, okay, but other than that, you're not. 146 00:17:01,181.7453814 --> 00:17:11,331.7453814 Another tip and thing that you got to know is you have to be okay with telling people you need time to think about it and that you'll get back to them. 147 00:17:12,501.7821736 --> 00:17:13,571.7821736 It's okay to say that. 148 00:17:13,591.7811736 --> 00:17:16,591.7811736 It's okay to say, you know what? I don't really know the answer to this right now. 149 00:17:16,631.7821736 --> 00:17:22,911.7821736 I'll get back to you before you just go right into saying yes immediately or no immediately. 150 00:17:23,281.6386286 --> 00:17:35,845.170785 and then get in a habit of asking yourself, okay, is this something that you're able to do? Do you have the bandwidth for this? Is it something that you want to do now? That is not always an indicator. 151 00:17:35,865.169785 --> 00:17:38,365.169785 Sometimes we have to do things that we don't want to do. 152 00:17:38,365.269785 --> 00:17:40,175.170785 I mean, a lot of times, yeah. 153 00:17:40,615.170785 --> 00:17:48,785.170785 If it's not something that you want to do, ask yourself, does this action align with your mission, purpose, and call that God has for you right now. 154 00:17:49,337.5629651 --> 00:17:53,297.5629651 And then you are going to reply with a straightforward answer. 155 00:17:53,477.5629651 --> 00:17:54,987.5629651 You don't want to do any white lies. 156 00:17:54,987.5629651 --> 00:17:56,457.5629651 You don't want to cover it up. 157 00:17:56,677.5629651 --> 00:17:58,637.5629651 You just be very real and straightforward. 158 00:17:58,989.3883703 --> 00:18:02,49.3883703 And guess what? People are actually going to respect that. 159 00:18:02,299.3873703 --> 00:18:13,265.0073953 And if they don't, and they give you like some pushback and become negative about it, that's a blessing in disguise because that person probably isn't the healthiest person to be around anyway. 160 00:18:13,265.0073953 --> 00:18:13,305.0068953 Okay. 161 00:18:13,615.0092659 --> 00:18:17,125.0092659 They just, or that they, that's exposing their selfish tendencies. 162 00:18:17,135.0092659 --> 00:18:20,57.2874971 They're not actually thinking about your wellbeing. 163 00:18:20,446.9849643 --> 00:18:31,350.1065928 So I want to give you some examples of what this can sound like just because I know this is going to help hearing, okay, how do I put this into practice? I'll give you three just general examples. 164 00:18:31,593.3500765 --> 00:18:33,663.3500765 So assertive communication can sound like. 165 00:18:34,17.0054122 --> 00:18:38,217.0054122 Hey, I've been feeling frustrated about doing most of the chores around the house. 166 00:18:38,547.0054122 --> 00:18:41,147.0054122 I understand that you're busy, but I need help. 167 00:18:41,647.0054122 --> 00:18:49,196.4270982 How can we make this work? Direct, no blame, clearly describes what you're needing and feeling. 168 00:18:49,804.2732417 --> 00:18:53,493.4833881 Another example, I won't be able to take you to the airport on Friday. 169 00:18:53,703.4843881 --> 00:18:56,653.4843881 I've had a very long week and I just want to rest. 170 00:18:57,243.2987169 --> 00:18:58,983.2987169 You're saying no to a favor. 171 00:18:59,53.2987169 --> 00:19:08,886.9235448 Oh my gosh! Ah! You're not a Christian! That's like the biggest thing that kind of will hinder me is, Okay, well I should want to do this because I should say yes. 172 00:19:08,916.9235448 --> 00:19:13,886.9235448 Like I should serve here because I'm a follower of Jesus and this is what Jesus would do. 173 00:19:14,243.6879036 --> 00:19:19,689.774255 Do we know for sure it's what Jesus would do? He drew away to rest many times. 174 00:19:19,699.774255 --> 00:19:22,679.774255 He said no to the crowd many times. 175 00:19:23,374.774255 --> 00:19:38,315.961755 So just have discernment here and be okay With don't condemn yourself or do something out of guilt because what does the bible also say about that? Scripture says give according to your own conscience God if we think about it, god doesn't want you. 176 00:19:38,335.961755 --> 00:19:53,664.936755 He loves a cheerful giver So if you are doing the duty without being cheerful without joy and you're hating it or wishing that you were doing something else, okay, then, like, that's gonna, that tells you something. 177 00:19:53,674.936755 --> 00:19:59,456.3503077 You're already not, giving in a way that Jesus is outlining for us. 178 00:19:59,826.3503077 --> 00:20:02,45.1690577 So don't be so hard on yourself here. 179 00:20:02,355.1690577 --> 00:20:06,745.1700577 Or feel like you have to say yes to absolutely everything because you're a follower of Jesus. 180 00:20:07,65.770188 --> 00:20:08,15.770188 Third example. 181 00:20:08,184.6764835 --> 00:20:09,544.6764835 And this is a real life example. 182 00:20:09,904.6764835 --> 00:20:14,154.6764835 I don't like to listen to loud or certain music in the car. 183 00:20:14,154.6764835 --> 00:20:16,974.6764835 And so I've directly asked Jamar. 184 00:20:17,654.6764835 --> 00:20:20,494.6764835 Hey, this music is giving me anxiety. 185 00:20:20,681.3431502 --> 00:20:26,160.9289241 Can you put your headphones in or just listen to this when I'm not in the car? Direct assertive. 186 00:20:26,360.9279241 --> 00:20:26,690.9279241 Okay. 187 00:20:26,690.9279241 --> 00:20:27,220.9284241 No blame. 188 00:20:27,220.9284241 --> 00:20:30,860.9289241 It's just asking a question, expressing yourself and asking a question. 189 00:20:31,400.9284187 --> 00:20:42,559.4255578 So for a quick recap, your self worth is always at risk as a people pleaser because as a people pleaser, your top motivator is to please other people no matter the cost. 190 00:20:43,136.4702292 --> 00:20:55,416.4697292 And why you do these things is because it's your way of being seen, valued, because your need for external validation and acceptance is at a very big high. 191 00:20:55,416.4697292 --> 00:20:57,286.4702292 It's not being put in God. 192 00:20:57,646.4702292 --> 00:21:02,417.119162 You have a deep insecurity, which leads to this worry that people won't like you. 193 00:21:02,803.6316857 --> 00:21:06,613.6316857 It could be a learned behavior because of a toxic relationship or a traumatic experience. 194 00:21:06,783.6316857 --> 00:21:14,267.7004929 So you're people pleasing to avoid discomfort Or it could be because you have a tendency to want everything to be perfect. 195 00:21:15,87.7004929 --> 00:21:23,337.7004929 And how you stop this is through practicing assertive communication and knowing who God says that you are, knowing your greater mission here. 196 00:21:23,627.7004929 --> 00:21:54,425.4051438 Because when you are very clear on your mission, you have less room and time To be a people pleaser because you are on mission Every single day you have a clear direction, you know Where you're going who you're supposed to be like and you can clearly identify Okay, is this something that aligns? Or is it something that doesn't align? Is this something that I have time to do or is it not? And so I hope this really really landed for you. 197 00:21:54,425.4051438 --> 00:22:10,122.4582387 I pray that this episode blessed you You again, come join the workshop if you're struggling with this, because we first have to heal and identify those emotional wounds, understand why people pleasing is affecting you so bad right now. 198 00:22:10,342.1904468 --> 00:22:18,968.9615502 And then we work on rooting our identity in Christ and building our confidence up in Christ because when our confidence is in Christ, we don't need confidence from the world. 199 00:22:19,454.9322255 --> 00:22:22,712.7109944 And then three, we have to understand what our purpose is. 200 00:22:22,923.4572465 --> 00:22:26,953.4572465 If we don't understand what our purpose is, we are going to just be going where the wind blows us. 201 00:22:27,404.4674537 --> 00:22:29,964.4674537 And this is not the life that God has for you. 202 00:22:29,994.4674537 --> 00:22:31,624.4674537 You are his anointed one. 203 00:22:32,34.4674537 --> 00:22:33,504.4674537 He has a plan for you. 204 00:22:33,544.4674537 --> 00:22:36,124.4674537 He has a clear direction for you. 205 00:22:36,545.271787 --> 00:22:41,909.0302578 So don't go any longer with a question mark of what you were created to do and who you were created to be. 206 00:22:42,324.1898815 --> 00:22:45,169.0198724 Come join the workshop at, lovedanny. 207 00:22:45,199.0198724 --> 00:22:47,619.0198724 org forward slash V Day workshop. 208 00:22:47,819.0198724 --> 00:22:49,339.0198724 That's love Danny. 209 00:22:49,639.0198724 --> 00:22:54,621.6483329 Org forward slash V Day workshop it's gonna be so fun. 210 00:22:54,621.6483329 --> 00:22:55,861.6483329 I cannot wait. 211 00:22:56,38.3606311 --> 00:22:59,198.3616311 But I pray that you go out and have the best week because you can. 212 00:22:59,510.8140994 --> 00:23:00,110.8140994 Love ya. 213 00:23:00,170.8140994 --> 00:23:00,490.8140994 Bye. 214 00:23:00,799.57408 --> 00:23:01,689.57408 Hey, beautiful. 215 00:23:01,729.57408 --> 00:23:05,299.57408 I hope you loved hanging with me today and enjoyed the episode. 216 00:23:05,599.57408 --> 00:23:19,729.57408 If so, would you take just 30 seconds and share it with someone you love who may also want to heal from past relationships and love themselves again? Also, please scroll down and leave a quick written review for the show on Apple podcasts. 217 00:23:19,729.57408 --> 00:23:25,129.57408 This is the main way we can get this message out to our girlfriends all around the world. 218 00:23:25,404.57408 --> 00:23:30,784.57408 And it also just really blesses me to know and hear how this podcast is helping you. 219 00:23:30,854.57408 --> 00:23:31,274.57408 Okay. 220 00:23:31,374.57408 --> 00:23:33,944.57408 I need to get out of my sleds and get ready for date night. 221 00:23:34,104.57408 --> 00:23:40,74.57408 I'll meet you back here on Monday for another episode, sending you all the love until next time.
.999Do I have permission to hit you with a hard truth this early? And it coming from a recovering people pleaser, this isn't easy to say, but one of the biggest reasons you have low self worth is because you are being a people pleaser. 2 00:00:16,829.999 --> 00:00:28,939.999 And I'm not saying you are one because I don't want to label you as that, but you struggle with people pleasing and it's keeping you from living your life as fully you. 3 00:00:29,354.832211233 --> 00:00:40,94.832211233 So if you know I'm talking to you, keep listening, because I'm gonna explain why you gotta get out of the people pleasing tendencies if you want to have strong self worth. 4 00:00:40,552.490209955 --> 00:00:43,952.491209955 If you're not ready, it's too late! Here we go. 5 00:00:44,323.25957346 --> 00:00:49,363.25957346 Hey beautiful! Welcome to the Heal from Toxic Relationships podcast. 6 00:00:49,483.25957346 --> 00:01:12,183.25957346 Are you ready to break free from toxic relationship patterns and fully embrace a life filled with confidence, joy, and purpose? Do you find yourself questioning your self worth and wondering what God's plan for your life is? Or maybe you deeply fear being alone and struggle with the lack of boundaries due to your people pleasing tendencies. 7 00:01:12,233.25857346 --> 00:01:13,773.25857346 Well, sis, you're not alone. 8 00:01:13,843.259573461 --> 00:01:14,973.25957346 I've been there, too. 9 00:01:15,83.25957346 --> 00:01:22,253.25957346 Hey, I'm Dani, a Christian life coach, wife, recovering people pleaser, And a total girl's girl. 10 00:01:22,373.259573461 --> 00:01:33,513.25957346 For 10 years, I was stuck in a cycle of toxic, non committed relationships, and searching for my worth in men, my accomplishments, and the praise of other people. 11 00:01:33,553.25957346 --> 00:01:39,83.25957346 Until I found out how to heal my past emotional wounds with Christ at the center. 12 00:01:39,248.25957346 --> 00:01:54,428.25957346 In this podcast, you will find faith based healing tools, confidence building tips, and healthy relationship skills so that you become a God fearing, confident woman who attracts your husband while walking in your purpose with God. 13 00:01:54,568.25857346 --> 00:01:57,538.25957346 Grab your favorite mocktail and pop in the AirPods. 14 00:01:57,668.25957346 --> 00:02:03,688.25957346 It's time to overshare and overcome these obstacles together, one step at a time. 15 00:02:04,227.07407889 --> 00:02:10,217.07407889 Sister, listen, healing from emotional wounds does not have to be overwhelming. 16 00:02:10,527.07407889 --> 00:02:13,617.07407889 You don't have to carry around your trauma. 17 00:02:13,817.07407889 --> 00:02:23,997.07407889 You don't have to figure it out all on your own, spend years and years and years in therapy, or keep pushing down the pain, ignoring it, hoping that it'll just go away. 18 00:02:24,427.07407889 --> 00:02:29,807.07407889 Or even kind of worse than all that, just relying on time to be your healer. 19 00:02:29,990.63771525 --> 00:02:47,562.76398798 In my free live training, how to heal emotional wounds and break free from your past God's way I'm going to show you a simple and biblically based framework that makes healing practical and accessible to you no matter where you currently find yourself. 20 00:02:48,72.76398798 --> 00:03:02,202.76398798 You're going to learn how to identify and release the lies holding you back, rebuild your confidence in the rock, in Christ, and step into God's purpose for your life because I hear that's what a lot of you ladies are really needing. 21 00:03:02,394.15519542 --> 00:03:06,164.15519542 And this is all without the complicated and overwhelming steps. 22 00:03:06,474.15519542 --> 00:03:19,324.00837199 This is what actually gives you freedom from, if we're honest, those demons, right? That the things that the enemy is using as strongholds over your life that have come from your trauma. 23 00:03:19,556.23846049 --> 00:03:24,746.23846049 You don't need all the fancy therapists or wait to feel better when you are back in church. 24 00:03:25,16.23846049 --> 00:03:31,226.23846049 Like this is something that you can bring right into your home, right where you are, right now. 25 00:03:31,316.23846049 --> 00:03:33,626.23846049 Go ahead and head to lovedanny. 26 00:03:33,656.23846049 --> 00:03:36,76.23846049 org forward slash V Day workshop. 27 00:03:36,276.23846049 --> 00:03:37,796.23846049 That's love Danny. 28 00:03:37,816.23846049 --> 00:03:39,676.23746049 Danny spelled D A N I. 29 00:03:40,126.23746049 --> 00:03:45,327.22032477 org forward slash V Day workshop let's make this easy for once. 30 00:03:45,534.19475659 --> 00:03:49,24.19375659 I got you, I'm actually holding my hand and I'm bringing you along with me. 31 00:03:49,190.04128594 --> 00:03:52,510.04128594 I promise you, you got this, and I got you. 32 00:03:53,48.35246726 --> 00:03:58,328.35246726 I mean, if we're just going to be real, I've been a people pleaser for most of my life. 33 00:03:58,368.35246726 --> 00:04:01,18.35246726 At least the part of my life that I can remember. 34 00:04:01,488.35246726 --> 00:04:14,228.35246726 But I really want to share with you the moment that I realized that my people pleasing weakness was the thing that was not only impacting my self worth, but disturbing my peace. 35 00:04:14,508.35246726 --> 00:04:16,48.35246726 so badly. 36 00:04:16,418.35246726 --> 00:04:27,438.35146726 I mean, I literally remember having to go to therapy when I was, I think like 11 or 12 because my stomach hurt so bad because I was so worried about other people. 37 00:04:27,987.50224067 --> 00:04:32,497.50224067 And it looks, you know, a little different moving into my adult life. 38 00:04:32,587.50324067 --> 00:04:36,867.50324067 But I have this one moment where things just kind of clicked for me. 39 00:04:37,91.20655467 --> 00:04:46,401.20655467 I remember when a good friend of mine was actually upset with me, and she was kind of like a good friend slash mentor life coach type of friend. 40 00:04:46,751.20655467 --> 00:04:48,891.20655467 Very, I very much value her friendship. 41 00:04:49,501.20655467 --> 00:04:59,361.20655467 And she expressed her thoughts of me, something that I said made her upset, and it sent me into a absolute frantic state. 42 00:04:59,891.20655467 --> 00:05:01,891.20655467 Like, abnormal frantic state. 43 00:05:02,251.83661755 --> 00:05:11,861.83661755 and it made me start to question my value, and I was so hyper obsessed with fixing it because I didn't want her upset with me. 44 00:05:12,208.05243359 --> 00:05:17,478.05243359 Long story short, everything ended up fine and she's still one of my really best friends. 45 00:05:17,848.05243359 --> 00:05:27,228.05243359 But after that experience was when I realized that I gave people far too much control over my peace and over my thoughts about myself. 46 00:05:28,38.05243359 --> 00:05:36,148.05243359 And if you've clicked on this episode, my guess is that you feel similar, or you might be like, girl, you were talking right to me, like I feel the exact same way. 47 00:05:36,558.05143359 --> 00:05:44,238.05143359 So I'm gonna share why people pleasing affects your self worth, so you're motivated to put an end to it. 48 00:05:44,588.05243359 --> 00:05:47,68.05243359 Because, good news? You can. 49 00:05:47,687.02838281 --> 00:06:20,497.02838281 So, The reason so one of the reasons why your self worth is always at risk as a people pleaser is Because as a people pleaser your top motivator is to please other people no matter the cost So what this means is is if doing something to please somebody to make them happy You're all for it You know, you want to avoid the confrontation, conflict, and even having a difference of opinions. 50 00:06:20,817.02838281 --> 00:06:33,987.02838281 So, you might be finding yourself not having any strong opinions or you just never voice them because you're afraid of what other people are going to think of you for having XYZ opinions. 51 00:06:34,740.67602279 --> 00:06:49,478.23023045 And so when you have this as your motivator, You are actually less authentic because you're worried about what other people think of you, how they perceive you, and if your actions align with the person that they believe that you are. 52 00:06:49,973.23023045 --> 00:06:58,693.23023045 This is taking up the majority of space in your mind and it's leading you to make inauthentic decisions. 53 00:06:58,943.23023045 --> 00:07:05,833.23023045 It's making you, day after day, if this is your top priority, you're losing sight of who you are and what makes you you. 54 00:07:06,730.00017257 --> 00:07:10,800.00117257 And I'm probably hitting home for you right now, and trust me, I've been there. 55 00:07:11,300.00117257 --> 00:07:15,840.00117257 So in reality, it's like other people control who you are and what you do. 56 00:07:16,184.97986673 --> 00:07:17,434.97986673 And essentially, your entire life. 57 00:07:18,209.57705133 --> 00:07:26,829.57705133 And when that's the case, it diminishes your confidence, distorts your value, and keeps picking at your self worth. 58 00:07:27,181.85905343 --> 00:07:34,356.85905343 And you're probably wondering why you people please use even though it annoys you that you do it. 59 00:07:34,611.37071192 --> 00:07:42,211.37071192 Well, a few reasons you're a people pleaser can be because one, it's your way of being seen and valued. 60 00:07:42,630.3630271 --> 00:07:44,30.3630271 It's where you get your value from. 61 00:07:44,630.3630271 --> 00:07:50,100.3630271 Two, you have a need to be externally accepted and validated. 62 00:07:50,310.3630271 --> 00:07:54,460.45915618 Your validation comes from other people, not from God. 63 00:07:55,120.45915618 --> 00:07:55,490.45915618 Okay. 64 00:07:56,65.59914446 --> 00:07:56,575.59914446 Three. 65 00:07:56,955.59914446 --> 00:07:59,85.59914446 You have just deep insecurity. 66 00:07:59,735.59914446 --> 00:08:07,225.59914446 You worry that people won't like you if you don't go above and beyond or always say yes, or if you're not agreeable. 67 00:08:07,531.90290159 --> 00:08:26,569.36669178 You have this insecurity that links with this Over obsession with wanting people to like you and that right there just goes against the word of god alone I had to come to a realization to say not everybody is gonna like me and that is okay Whenever I see a bad review does it hurt my feelings a little bit. 68 00:08:27,349.36669178 --> 00:08:31,49.36669178 I mean It does do something inside of me It does. 69 00:08:31,49.36669178 --> 00:08:32,949.36669178 And it's not something positive. 70 00:08:32,959.36669178 --> 00:08:41,138.92256866 Like I can feel it affect me, but I choose to not allow it to become truth within me because I know the truth. 71 00:08:41,623.27173799 --> 00:08:43,243.27073799 You're not going to be everybody's cup of tea. 72 00:08:43,627.97601384 --> 00:08:44,397.97601384 And that's okay. 73 00:08:44,447.97601384 --> 00:08:45,447.97601384 Jesus wasn't either. 74 00:08:45,667.97601384 --> 00:09:02,488.74086876 So how can you expect to be? And another thing here is I kind of, what, what helps me here in shifting this, I had to realize is that if I am everybody's cup of tea, that's probably not the greatest place to be. 75 00:09:02,843.11870629 --> 00:09:03,823.11870629 because think about it. 76 00:09:04,82.94095126 --> 00:09:05,621.1303001 mean, if you don't stand for anything. 77 00:09:05,849.43106427 --> 00:09:13,829.43106427 Like, if your, if your foundation is sandy, it's not, it's not solid on something that is deeply rooted within you. 78 00:09:14,106.60481561 --> 00:09:16,276.60481561 You're gonna just, you're gonna fall for anything. 79 00:09:16,276.60481561 --> 00:09:21,742.54910198 You're gonna fall for things that are not aligned with the, the woman that God has created you to be. 80 00:09:21,843.32980789 --> 00:09:30,803.32980789 the fourth reason could be because this is a learned behavior due to a toxic relationship or a traumatic experience. 81 00:09:31,113.32980789 --> 00:09:44,675.54533895 So you lean into people pleasing to avoid Discomfort, to avoid a toxic environment or conversation, to avoid triggering a negative response in someone else. 82 00:09:45,17.82845357 --> 00:09:47,27.82845357 So this is super huge. 83 00:09:47,440.41385341 --> 00:09:57,440.41385341 And in this case, you're probably also hesitant on bringing up things that bother you because of the fear of what the other person's response is going to be. 84 00:09:57,720.41385341 --> 00:10:03,70.31385341 And this is so detrimental in relationships because I know firsthand, right? Okay. 85 00:10:03,360.41385341 --> 00:10:13,160.41385341 My thing is that I'm working on is I've been afraid to ask for help and it's just with my husband, which is so weird because I'm afraid of bothering him. 86 00:10:13,160.41385341 --> 00:10:14,550.41285341 I'm afraid of disturbing him. 87 00:10:14,560.41385341 --> 00:10:15,880.41385341 I'm afraid of his response. 88 00:10:16,400.41385341 --> 00:10:18,800.41385341 He hasn't given me a reason to feel that way. 89 00:10:19,70.41385341 --> 00:10:24,210.41285341 So it's, it's, we all have things that we're kind of working through and it shows up in certain situations. 90 00:10:24,493.48695334 --> 00:10:31,618.19091573 So you may be falling into this in certain relationships or in certain arenas of life and not all of them. 91 00:10:31,885.20392804 --> 00:10:43,955.20392804 if this is something, a habit of yours that you are doing, if you are hesitant on bringing up things that bother you and being expressive and, and communicating, do yourself a favor and come join the free workshop. 92 00:10:44,175.20392804 --> 00:10:52,755.20392804 It's going to help you put an end to that because we're focusing on healing emotional wounds, building Christ rooted confidence, and moving forward in purpose. 93 00:10:52,938.15576639 --> 00:10:55,538.15576639 Yes, we're covering all three, so you've got to be there. 94 00:10:56,82.71168841 --> 00:11:02,42.71168841 And the fifth reason may be you just low key have some perfectionism within you. 95 00:11:02,326.91721129 --> 00:11:13,884.15616338 and so if you do, you have this belief that everything in your life must be perfect because if it's not perfect, then it's a failure, or it makes you feel like a failure or bad about yourself. 96 00:11:14,334.15716338 --> 00:11:19,244.15716338 And this also includes what other people think of you or how they feel about you. 97 00:11:19,454.15716338 --> 00:11:23,374.15716338 If things aren't going perfect in your world, it creates angst. 98 00:11:23,574.15716338 --> 00:11:29,46.30102954 So if you tend to be a perfectionist, this people pleasing can be related to that. 99 00:11:29,340.83559634 --> 00:11:49,175.20843406 Now the big question is, how do you stop this? I mean, this is, this is going to take layers of just coaching and reflection to get past this, because if you're at this point, you have really strong people pleasing tendencies, that are stemming from a past situation. 100 00:11:49,606.15668542 --> 00:12:14,690.06470779 Maybe words that were spoken to you by parents, something in your childhood, an experience, Something that was an identifier to you, criticism, and so it's going to take, like, how you break out of this is honestly coaching or therapy or, being able to sit and dig deep into why why you care so much about what other people think about you. 101 00:12:15,290.03456541 --> 00:12:26,110.03406541 Right, you just have to answer that question And things that helped me and this is still something like i've come a long way But it's still something that I can fall into. 102 00:12:26,110.03406541 --> 00:12:33,960.03456541 I just know the tools now to overcome it in those moments So a couple of them is like literally speaking to myself. 103 00:12:34,150.03456541 --> 00:12:44,229.04967544 I have to remind myself what is true because the word of god says The truth sets you free And what is the truth? The truth is literally Jesus. 104 00:12:44,440.90711916 --> 00:12:47,90.90711916 Jesus is the word come to life. 105 00:12:47,858.37727006 --> 00:12:56,65.22587857 And so, if we look at what the word of God says about you, and you remind yourself of that, this is going to help so much. 106 00:12:56,105.22587857 --> 00:12:59,605.22587857 When you're in that moment and you're like, Okay, I really want to say no. 107 00:13:00,49.15478361 --> 00:13:02,449.15478361 I really don't have the bandwidth to do this, to say yes to this. 108 00:13:02,995.6247196 --> 00:13:08,75.6247196 but I am afraid to say no because of, label the fear. 109 00:13:08,542.49729134 --> 00:13:10,522.49729134 I'm afraid they're not gonna like, like me anymore. 110 00:13:10,742.49729134 --> 00:13:12,172.49729134 I'm afraid that they're gonna judge me. 111 00:13:12,629.50475372 --> 00:13:16,329.50475372 Okay, combating that, I mean, who can judge? God is my judge. 112 00:13:16,559.50575372 --> 00:13:27,532.87665067 And so what if you, if you get judged or condemned? I think it's honestly comes to a point least what has helped me, is knowing my purpose. 113 00:13:28,212.87665067 --> 00:13:33,82.98402503 Knowing that I am here to honor my God. 114 00:13:33,586.0559302 --> 00:13:39,543.06439258 And whatever He, like, I submit my tongue to Him, my life to Him. 115 00:13:39,883.06339258 --> 00:13:44,103.06439258 And whatever He wants me to say, I am going to do my best to say. 116 00:13:44,153.06439258 --> 00:13:52,618.06439258 Whatever He wants me not to say or leans to not walk in, I I'm going to do my best to walk in obedience to what he has for me or doesn't have for me. 117 00:13:53,38.06439258 --> 00:14:02,86.54095739 So I know that's a kind of a layered and I've shared different ideas here, but I really think it just comes down to an identity issue at the end of the day. 118 00:14:02,417.81164181 --> 00:14:07,559.3386334 Because what, when you have a people pleasing tendency, it's just a fear of something. 119 00:14:07,821.60449746 --> 00:14:09,91.60349746 And fear is demonic. 120 00:14:09,461.91738241 --> 00:14:10,821.91738241 Fear is not of God. 121 00:14:11,217.10284649 --> 00:14:17,777.10284649 Fear is there to steal your, your sense of purpose, your confidence, and your identity. 122 00:14:18,207.10284649 --> 00:14:23,427.1028465 The enemy does not want you to walk in what God has already ordained and planned and anointed you for. 123 00:14:23,849.15276841 --> 00:14:26,369.15276841 What's he gonna use? He's gonna use fear. 124 00:14:26,838.47554168 --> 00:14:35,503.47554168 So, So, I would say where to start is going to the Word of God and start writing down scriptures that speak into who you are. 125 00:14:36,383.47554168 --> 00:14:43,764.53889984 So this way, when you have this desire to people please come up, it with what is true. 126 00:14:44,39.01240434 --> 00:14:53,153.83254791 And I mean, the oldest trick in the book is just like, okay, what's the worst that can happen? What's the worst that can happen, and what's the best that can happen? I do this to myself all the time. 127 00:14:53,163.83254791 --> 00:14:58,613.83254791 Well, what's really the worst that can happen? Why why am I really what am I really scared of? Okay, cool. 128 00:14:58,743.83254791 --> 00:15:09,363.73633294 It might be bad, but it's not it's not worse than the best thing that can come from it also want to give you a more practical way to stop the people pleasing. 129 00:15:09,763.73633294 --> 00:15:12,563.73633294 And that is through assertive communication. 130 00:15:12,686.43854499 --> 00:15:25,346.43854499 And what assertive communication is, is the ability to express your needs, your desires, your rights, your boundaries in a respectful and effective way. 131 00:15:25,809.51814949 --> 00:15:29,609.51814949 It's just a very neutral way of speaking, very neutral and direct. 132 00:15:29,719.51814949 --> 00:15:36,559.51714949 So that way you get your, what you need to say across the other person in a very healthy and respectful way. 133 00:15:36,893.33338785 --> 00:15:45,906.16312958 And the reason this helps people pleasing is because when you do think about the moments where you're people pleasing, you're afraid to speak your mind. 134 00:15:45,946.16312958 --> 00:15:49,746.16312958 You're afraid to speak up for yourself and to share what you're actually thinking. 135 00:15:50,6.16312958 --> 00:15:56,271.89086944 And so this comes down to communicating what's going on within you so you don't fall into people pleasing. 136 00:15:56,301.89086944 --> 00:16:10,594.51641689 Okay? You don't fall into the action because you're taking note of what's going on internally Then proceeding with a response that's aligned with who you are and your purpose and what God has you doing in this particular season. 137 00:16:10,952.26281272 --> 00:16:12,782.26281272 So how you do this, some tips. 138 00:16:12,958.95751792 --> 00:16:17,128.95751792 You just have to first know that you're not obligated to answer anyone. 139 00:16:17,388.95751792 --> 00:16:24,788.95751792 I think the first time someone, I heard this from somebody and it took repetition, man, because I just felt like I needed to answer every single text message. 140 00:16:24,788.95751792 --> 00:16:26,568.95751792 I needed to answer every single question. 141 00:16:26,818.95651792 --> 00:16:32,882.73101655 I need to answer everybody because I felt like it was rude not to answer, but know that you're not awful. 142 00:16:32,892.73101655 --> 00:16:35,922.73101655 You don't owe anybody anything. 143 00:16:36,323.85156574 --> 00:16:43,703.8515657 I mean, unless you actually do owe somebody something, right? Like if you guys made an exchange or a promise to somebody, then that's something different. 144 00:16:44,3.8515657 --> 00:16:53,577.2977014 But on a regular degular basis, you're not obligated to answer to anyone nor to answer a question until it's time. 145 00:16:53,577.2977014 --> 00:17:00,415.7350236 When we face Jesus face to face on judgment day, you're gonna answer, okay, but other than that, you're not. 146 00:17:01,181.7453814 --> 00:17:11,331.7453814 Another tip and thing that you got to know is you have to be okay with telling people you need time to think about it and that you'll get back to them. 147 00:17:12,501.7821736 --> 00:17:13,571.7821736 It's okay to say that. 148 00:17:13,591.7811736 --> 00:17:16,591.7811736 It's okay to say, you know what? I don't really know the answer to this right now. 149 00:17:16,631.7821736 --> 00:17:22,911.7821736 I'll get back to you before you just go right into saying yes immediately or no immediately. 150 00:17:23,281.6386286 --> 00:17:35,845.170785 and then get in a habit of asking yourself, okay, is this something that you're able to do? Do you have the bandwidth for this? Is it something that you want to do now? That is not always an indicator. 151 00:17:35,865.169785 --> 00:17:38,365.169785 Sometimes we have to do things that we don't want to do. 152 00:17:38,365.269785 --> 00:17:40,175.170785 I mean, a lot of times, yeah. 153 00:17:40,615.170785 --> 00:17:48,785.170785 If it's not something that you want to do, ask yourself, does this action align with your mission, purpose, and call that God has for you right now. 154 00:17:49,337.5629651 --> 00:17:53,297.5629651 And then you are going to reply with a straightforward answer. 155 00:17:53,477.5629651 --> 00:17:54,987.5629651 You don't want to do any white lies. 156 00:17:54,987.5629651 --> 00:17:56,457.5629651 You don't want to cover it up. 157 00:17:56,677.5629651 --> 00:17:58,637.5629651 You just be very real and straightforward. 158 00:17:58,989.3883703 --> 00:18:02,49.3883703 And guess what? People are actually going to respect that. 159 00:18:02,299.3873703 --> 00:18:13,265.0073953 And if they don't, and they give you like some pushback and become negative about it, that's a blessing in disguise because that person probably isn't the healthiest person to be around anyway. 160 00:18:13,265.0073953 --> 00:18:13,305.0068953 Okay. 161 00:18:13,615.0092659 --> 00:18:17,125.0092659 They just, or that they, that's exposing their selfish tendencies. 162 00:18:17,135.0092659 --> 00:18:20,57.2874971 They're not actually thinking about your wellbeing. 163 00:18:20,446.9849643 --> 00:18:31,350.1065928 So I want to give you some examples of what this can sound like just because I know this is going to help hearing, okay, how do I put this into practice? I'll give you three just general examples. 164 00:18:31,593.3500765 --> 00:18:33,663.3500765 So assertive communication can sound like. 165 00:18:34,17.0054122 --> 00:18:38,217.0054122 Hey, I've been feeling frustrated about doing most of the chores around the house. 166 00:18:38,547.0054122 --> 00:18:41,147.0054122 I understand that you're busy, but I need help. 167 00:18:41,647.0054122 --> 00:18:49,196.4270982 How can we make this work? Direct, no blame, clearly describes what you're needing and feeling. 168 00:18:49,804.2732417 --> 00:18:53,493.4833881 Another example, I won't be able to take you to the airport on Friday. 169 00:18:53,703.4843881 --> 00:18:56,653.4843881 I've had a very long week and I just want to rest. 170 00:18:57,243.2987169 --> 00:18:58,983.2987169 You're saying no to a favor. 171 00:18:59,53.2987169 --> 00:19:08,886.9235448 Oh my gosh! Ah! You're not a Christian! That's like the biggest thing that kind of will hinder me is, Okay, well I should want to do this because I should say yes. 172 00:19:08,916.9235448 --> 00:19:13,886.9235448 Like I should serve here because I'm a follower of Jesus and this is what Jesus would do. 173 00:19:14,243.6879036 --> 00:19:19,689.774255 Do we know for sure it's what Jesus would do? He drew away to rest many times. 174 00:19:19,699.774255 --> 00:19:22,679.774255 He said no to the crowd many times. 175 00:19:23,374.774255 --> 00:19:38,315.961755 So just have discernment here and be okay With don't condemn yourself or do something out of guilt because what does the bible also say about that? Scripture says give according to your own conscience God if we think about it, god doesn't want you. 176 00:19:38,335.961755 --> 00:19:53,664.936755 He loves a cheerful giver So if you are doing the duty without being cheerful without joy and you're hating it or wishing that you were doing something else, okay, then, like, that's gonna, that tells you something. 177 00:19:53,674.936755 --> 00:19:59,456.3503077 You're already not, giving in a way that Jesus is outlining for us. 178 00:19:59,826.3503077 --> 00:20:02,45.1690577 So don't be so hard on yourself here. 179 00:20:02,355.1690577 --> 00:20:06,745.1700577 Or feel like you have to say yes to absolutely everything because you're a follower of Jesus. 180 00:20:07,65.770188 --> 00:20:08,15.770188 Third example. 181 00:20:08,184.6764835 --> 00:20:09,544.6764835 And this is a real life example. 182 00:20:09,904.6764835 --> 00:20:14,154.6764835 I don't like to listen to loud or certain music in the car. 183 00:20:14,154.6764835 --> 00:20:16,974.6764835 And so I've directly asked Jamar. 184 00:20:17,654.6764835 --> 00:20:20,494.6764835 Hey, this music is giving me anxiety. 185 00:20:20,681.3431502 --> 00:20:26,160.9289241 Can you put your headphones in or just listen to this when I'm not in the car? Direct assertive. 186 00:20:26,360.9279241 --> 00:20:26,690.9279241 Okay. 187 00:20:26,690.9279241 --> 00:20:27,220.9284241 No blame. 188 00:20:27,220.9284241 --> 00:20:30,860.9289241 It's just asking a question, expressing yourself and asking a question. 189 00:20:31,400.9284187 --> 00:20:42,559.4255578 So for a quick recap, your self worth is always at risk as a people pleaser because as a people pleaser, your top motivator is to please other people no matter the cost. 190 00:20:43,136.4702292 --> 00:20:55,416.4697292 And why you do these things is because it's your way of being seen, valued, because your need for external validation and acceptance is at a very big high. 191 00:20:55,416.4697292 --> 00:20:57,286.4702292 It's not being put in God. 192 00:20:57,646.4702292 --> 00:21:02,417.119162 You have a deep insecurity, which leads to this worry that people won't like you. 193 00:21:02,803.6316857 --> 00:21:06,613.6316857 It could be a learned behavior because of a toxic relationship or a traumatic experience. 194 00:21:06,783.6316857 --> 00:21:14,267.7004929 So you're people pleasing to avoid discomfort Or it could be because you have a tendency to want everything to be perfect. 195 00:21:15,87.7004929 --> 00:21:23,337.7004929 And how you stop this is through practicing assertive communication and knowing who God says that you are, knowing your greater mission here. 196 00:21:23,627.7004929 --> 00:21:54,425.4051438 Because when you are very clear on your mission, you have less room and time To be a people pleaser because you are on mission Every single day you have a clear direction, you know Where you're going who you're supposed to be like and you can clearly identify Okay, is this something that aligns? Or is it something that doesn't align? Is this something that I have time to do or is it not? And so I hope this really really landed for you. 197 00:21:54,425.4051438 --> 00:22:10,122.4582387 I pray that this episode blessed you You again, come join the workshop if you're struggling with this, because we first have to heal and identify those emotional wounds, understand why people pleasing is affecting you so bad right now. 198 00:22:10,342.1904468 --> 00:22:18,968.9615502 And then we work on rooting our identity in Christ and building our confidence up in Christ because when our confidence is in Christ, we don't need confidence from the world. 199 00:22:19,454.9322255 --> 00:22:22,712.7109944 And then three, we have to understand what our purpose is. 200 00:22:22,923.4572465 --> 00:22:26,953.4572465 If we don't understand what our purpose is, we are going to just be going where the wind blows us. 201 00:22:27,404.4674537 --> 00:22:29,964.4674537 And this is not the life that God has for you. 202 00:22:29,994.4674537 --> 00:22:31,624.4674537 You are his anointed one. 203 00:22:32,34.4674537 --> 00:22:33,504.4674537 He has a plan for you. 204 00:22:33,544.4674537 --> 00:22:36,124.4674537 He has a clear direction for you. 205 00:22:36,545.271787 --> 00:22:41,909.0302578 So don't go any longer with a question mark of what you were created to do and who you were created to be. 206 00:22:42,324.1898815 --> 00:22:45,169.0198724 Come join the workshop at, lovedanny. 207 00:22:45,199.0198724 --> 00:22:47,619.0198724 org forward slash V Day workshop. 208 00:22:47,819.0198724 --> 00:22:49,339.0198724 That's love Danny. 209 00:22:49,639.0198724 --> 00:22:54,621.6483329 Org forward slash V Day workshop it's gonna be so fun. 210 00:22:54,621.6483329 --> 00:22:55,861.6483329 I cannot wait. 211 00:22:56,38.3606311 --> 00:22:59,198.3616311 But I pray that you go out and have the best week because you can. 212 00:22:59,510.8140994 --> 00:23:00,110.8140994 Love ya. 213 00:23:00,170.8140994 --> 00:23:00,490.8140994 Bye. 214 00:23:00,799.57408 --> 00:23:01,689.57408 Hey, beautiful. 215 00:23:01,729.57408 --> 00:23:05,299.57408 I hope you loved hanging with me today and enjoyed the episode. 216 00:23:05,599.57408 --> 00:23:19,729.57408 If so, would you take just 30 seconds and share it with someone you love who may also want to heal from past relationships and love themselves again? Also, please scroll down and leave a quick written review for the show on Apple podcasts. 217 00:23:19,729.57408 --> 00:23:25,129.57408 This is the main way we can get this message out to our girlfriends all around the world. 218 00:23:25,404.57408 --> 00:23:30,784.57408 And it also just really blesses me to know and hear how this podcast is helping you. 219 00:23:30,854.57408 --> 00:23:31,274.57408 Okay. 220 00:23:31,374.57408 --> 00:23:33,944.57408 I need to get out of my sleds and get ready for date night. 221 00:23:34,104.57408 --> 00:23:40,74.57408 I'll meet you back here on Monday for another episode, sending you all the love until next time.
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